1
00:00:01,132 --> 00:00:04,301
( theme music playing )

2
00:00:36,300 --> 00:00:39,269
You promise you won't forget
to go to the bank at lunchtime?

3
00:00:39,270 --> 00:00:40,403
No, I won't, Patricia.

4
00:00:40,404 --> 00:00:42,672
Of course, it would be
more convenient to go now.

5
00:00:42,673 --> 00:00:45,042
And for that very reason,
the bank is closed,

6
00:00:45,043 --> 00:00:47,010
It being the principle
of British banking

7
00:00:47,011 --> 00:00:49,213
That the customer must
be avoided at all costs.

8
00:00:49,214 --> 00:00:52,783
( whooping, yelling )
Wah-hoo! Ah-hah!

9
00:00:52,784 --> 00:00:55,819
Great thundering trumpets!
Has the world run mad?

10
00:00:55,820 --> 00:00:59,123
Rag week, Raymond. Just
students having a laugh.

11
00:00:59,124 --> 00:01:01,691
When I was at college I suffered
from the curious delusion

12
00:01:01,692 --> 00:01:03,426
That I was there to study.

13
00:01:03,427 --> 00:01:05,362
Oh, well, I suppose
we were all young once.

14
00:01:05,363 --> 00:01:09,332
Not you, Raymond. You
were born middle-aged.

15
00:01:09,333 --> 00:01:11,468
It's kind of you to say so, Patricia.

16
00:01:11,469 --> 00:01:13,804
I've always attempted to
maintain a mature outlook,

17
00:01:13,805 --> 00:01:16,539
But I cannot deny that
there have been lapses.

18
00:01:17,708 --> 00:01:20,878
I once possessed... A whoopee cushion.

19
00:01:21,880 --> 00:01:24,047
I never deployed it, of course,

20
00:01:24,048 --> 00:01:26,283
The capacity was there.

21
00:01:30,822 --> 00:01:33,323
I really don't think
you're being fair, Patricia.

22
00:01:33,324 --> 00:01:36,093
We have lots of fun together.

23
00:01:36,094 --> 00:01:39,830
What about last night?
Flagellation on top of fornication.

24
00:01:39,831 --> 00:01:41,665
You don't often get that.

25
00:01:41,666 --> 00:01:43,566
It was boring!

26
00:01:43,567 --> 00:01:46,203
It was the best "scrabble"
score I've ever had.

27
00:01:46,204 --> 00:01:49,940
Just don't forget to go
to the bank at lunchtime.

28
00:01:49,941 --> 00:01:52,509
Morning, Pat.

29
00:01:52,510 --> 00:01:55,078
- You all right? - Oh, it's
Raymond. He's getting worse.

30
00:01:55,079 --> 00:01:58,215
Do you know, last week I
found him in bed with a model?

31
00:01:58,216 --> 00:02:02,452
- No. - We've still got bits of
balsa wood stuck to the duvet.

32
00:02:02,453 --> 00:02:06,256
"juvenile," "juvenile," "juvenile."

33
00:02:06,257 --> 00:02:08,258
More juvenile, sir.

34
00:02:08,259 --> 00:02:10,160
Just once in a while,

35
00:02:10,161 --> 00:02:13,063
I'd like to nick someone
whose balls have dropped!

36
00:02:14,799 --> 00:02:17,367
And where are the real crimes, eh?

37
00:02:17,368 --> 00:02:20,003
The terrorism, the bank jobs-

38
00:02:20,004 --> 00:02:23,907
I had such exciting dreams, Kray.

39
00:02:23,908 --> 00:02:26,243
Yeah, I get them, sir.

40
00:02:26,244 --> 00:02:29,313
Rubber waders and a boat hook.
You don't half wake up sweating.

41
00:02:31,049 --> 00:02:34,517
Yes - rag week, ladies and
gentlemen, is upon us again.

42
00:02:34,518 --> 00:02:37,554
Come on, come on, sit down.

43
00:02:37,555 --> 00:02:40,290
And the question that every policeman-

44
00:02:40,291 --> 00:02:44,627
Or indeed, police person-

45
00:02:44,628 --> 00:02:46,663
Must ask himself-

46
00:02:46,664 --> 00:02:49,499
Or indeed...

47
00:02:51,602 --> 00:02:54,437
Itself...

48
00:02:54,438 --> 00:02:56,173
Is "how are we to deal

49
00:02:56,174 --> 00:02:58,775
With the inevitable
juvenile excesses to come?"

50
00:02:58,776 --> 00:03:01,678
- Constable Goody?
- Um...

51
00:03:04,382 --> 00:03:07,317
Well, it depends, doesn't it, sir?

52
00:03:07,318 --> 00:03:09,920
I mean, not all excesses are the same.

53
00:03:09,921 --> 00:03:13,090
Are we talking plain excesses,

54
00:03:13,091 --> 00:03:16,059
Or excessive excesses?

55
00:03:16,060 --> 00:03:19,162
Well, I think by definition,
excesses are excessive,

56
00:03:19,163 --> 00:03:21,265
Or they wouldn't be
excesses, would they?

57
00:03:21,266 --> 00:03:24,434
Is this one of those brain teasers

58
00:03:24,435 --> 00:03:28,171
Where Cleopatra turns
out to be a goldfish?

59
00:03:28,172 --> 00:03:29,940
Concentrate, laddie, concentrate.

60
00:03:29,941 --> 00:03:32,542
Because believe or it not,
you did make a valid point.

61
00:03:34,045 --> 00:03:36,880
One must, of course, judge
each case on its merits.

62
00:03:36,881 --> 00:03:39,216
I do not wish to have
my officers accused

63
00:03:39,217 --> 00:03:41,684
Of being excessive in
their treatment of excesses,

64
00:03:41,685 --> 00:03:45,822
Especially if those excesses
are not particularly excessive.

65
00:03:45,823 --> 00:03:48,258
So on the whole, what I
think we are discussing here

66
00:03:48,259 --> 00:03:50,593
Are excessive excesses.

67
00:03:50,594 --> 00:03:52,595
Is that clear?

68
00:03:52,596 --> 00:03:54,731
No.

69
00:03:54,732 --> 00:03:57,234
But keep going, sir. I
expect we'll catch up.

70
00:03:57,235 --> 00:04:00,537
A decent crime, that's
all I'm asking for.

71
00:04:00,538 --> 00:04:03,240
We used to get them every day.

72
00:04:03,241 --> 00:04:06,143
This neighborhood's
really gone downhill.

73
00:04:06,144 --> 00:04:08,211
This just came through, sir.

74
00:04:08,212 --> 00:04:10,948
Looks very tasty, very naughty.

75
00:04:10,949 --> 00:04:13,050
This is it!

76
00:04:13,051 --> 00:04:14,918
Crockett, I need profiles

77
00:04:14,919 --> 00:04:17,154
On all known terrorists
in the southeast.

78
00:04:17,155 --> 00:04:21,091
Kray, phone the home office,
phone the armed response unit.

79
00:04:21,092 --> 00:04:23,427
Get me a tea
- milk, four sugars.

80
00:04:23,428 --> 00:04:25,262
- In what order, sir?
- Blimey, Kray,

81
00:04:25,263 --> 00:04:26,563
Where were you dragged up?

82
00:04:26,564 --> 00:04:29,032
Milk in first, tea next, sugar last.

83
00:04:30,401 --> 00:04:34,438
So... What excesses may
we expect to encounter

84
00:04:34,439 --> 00:04:36,139
And how are we best to deal with them?

85
00:04:36,140 --> 00:04:40,177
What about a student rugby club
sing along and trouser-dropping?

86
00:04:40,178 --> 00:04:42,579
- How do we deal with that?
- Hmm.

87
00:04:42,580 --> 00:04:44,381
Good question.

88
00:04:44,382 --> 00:04:46,783
Well, if at all possible,
exercise tolerance-

89
00:04:46,784 --> 00:04:49,486
The police officer's secret weapon.

90
00:04:49,487 --> 00:04:51,088
But never forget that if you arrest

91
00:04:51,089 --> 00:04:53,623
A college rugby team for
using obscene language,

92
00:04:53,624 --> 00:04:56,526
At some point you'll
find yourself in court

93
00:04:56,527 --> 00:04:59,529
Having to recite the lyrics
of "the good ship venus."

94
00:04:59,530 --> 00:05:02,232
- Surely not, sir.
- Oh, yes.

95
00:05:02,233 --> 00:05:04,234
Defense briefs are ruthless.

96
00:05:04,235 --> 00:05:08,538
They will say to you, "exactly
what did my client suggest

97
00:05:08,539 --> 00:05:11,908
That the figurehead was sucking?"

98
00:05:11,909 --> 00:05:14,044
And if you do not answer
in a loud, clear voice,

99
00:05:14,045 --> 00:05:17,314
- They will claim you are unsure
of your facts. - Answer what, sir?

100
00:05:18,549 --> 00:05:20,783
( stammers )

101
00:05:20,784 --> 00:05:23,620
An external organ of the male anatomy.

102
00:05:23,621 --> 00:05:26,156
That doesn't rhyme with "venus."

103
00:05:27,158 --> 00:05:29,492
May I have a word, Raymond?

104
00:05:29,493 --> 00:05:31,728
A matter of extreme urgency has arisen.

105
00:05:31,729 --> 00:05:33,329
I want to bring you up to speed,

106
00:05:33,330 --> 00:05:35,298
Because you and your
officers may possibly

107
00:05:35,299 --> 00:05:37,500
Be able to assist in a minor capacity

108
00:05:37,501 --> 00:05:39,770
At some hypothetical later stage,

109
00:05:39,771 --> 00:05:40,971
Although I doubt it.

110
00:05:40,972 --> 00:05:44,141
And only if I let you,
which I probably won't.

111
00:05:44,142 --> 00:05:45,675
Anything we can do to help, Derek.

112
00:05:45,676 --> 00:05:48,544
Perhaps we could all club together
and buy you a straitjacket.

113
00:05:49,947 --> 00:05:52,448
Now this has just arrived.
I think it's genuine.

114
00:05:55,452 --> 00:05:56,987
"We, the st. Neduts,

115
00:05:56,988 --> 00:05:59,355
Demand freedom and political autonomy

116
00:05:59,356 --> 00:06:01,925
For our sovereign state of Egelloc."

117
00:06:01,926 --> 00:06:06,096
My guess is some form of
gaelic or celtic separatism.

118
00:06:06,097 --> 00:06:09,666
And my guess is some form of
brain-from-body separatism.

119
00:06:09,667 --> 00:06:12,602
This is clearly the
work of a wild lunatic.

120
00:06:12,603 --> 00:06:15,105
Exactly. Have you ever been to Wales?

121
00:06:15,106 --> 00:06:18,441
As for the Scots, if your
national dish is a sheep's stomach,

122
00:06:18,442 --> 00:06:20,510
You're gonna be bitter, aren't you?

123
00:06:20,511 --> 00:06:23,746
Of course, it could be the
Cornish. They're bloody strange.

124
00:06:23,747 --> 00:06:26,683
- And the Geordies- - so at
present you suspect anyone

125
00:06:26,684 --> 00:06:30,553
Who doesn't live within 10
miles of the Thames estuary?

126
00:06:30,554 --> 00:06:32,889
Sir, I'm probably completely wrong,

127
00:06:32,890 --> 00:06:35,625
But "egelloc" sounds a bit anglo-saxon,

128
00:06:35,626 --> 00:06:38,028
Maybe something to do
with the arthurian legends.

129
00:06:38,029 --> 00:06:40,030
Well done, constable.

130
00:06:40,031 --> 00:06:42,432
You got a good little brain there.

131
00:06:42,433 --> 00:06:44,467
Bit of training, we might
make you a detective.

132
00:06:44,468 --> 00:06:46,569
Oh, I don't think so, sir.

133
00:06:46,570 --> 00:06:48,638
I haven't got the skills, you see?

134
00:06:48,639 --> 00:06:51,607
- For one thing, I can't talk out
of my- - yes, thank you, Habib.

135
00:06:53,110 --> 00:06:55,712
Surely you're not suggesting
we take this note seriously?

136
00:06:55,713 --> 00:06:58,748
I take all threats of
terrorist activity seriously

137
00:06:58,749 --> 00:07:00,283
Until proved otherwise.

138
00:07:00,284 --> 00:07:02,118
Have a look at the rest of the fax.

139
00:07:02,119 --> 00:07:04,020
"be warned that we intend to target

140
00:07:04,021 --> 00:07:05,956
The fascist borough of Gasforth

141
00:07:05,957 --> 00:07:08,024
With a series of terror attacks

142
00:07:08,025 --> 00:07:10,060
Using deadly 'dratsuc.'"

143
00:07:10,061 --> 00:07:14,097
I've got a very, very bad
feeling in my stomach about this.

144
00:07:14,098 --> 00:07:15,598
How about you, constable Kray?

145
00:07:15,599 --> 00:07:18,235
I don't feel so good myself, sir.

146
00:07:18,236 --> 00:07:20,904
But I did have a kebab for breakfast.

147
00:07:20,905 --> 00:07:24,074
No, this may be a hoax, it may not be.

148
00:07:24,075 --> 00:07:26,476
All I know is, if it is genuine,

149
00:07:26,477 --> 00:07:30,146
My ass will be on the line,
and I don't want a cock up.

150
00:07:32,750 --> 00:07:36,120
Well, I imagine that you don't.

151
00:07:36,121 --> 00:07:39,523
So this deadly "dratsuc,"
what do you think it might be?

152
00:07:39,524 --> 00:07:41,525
My informed guess

153
00:07:41,526 --> 00:07:43,827
Is some sort of semtex-style explosive.

154
00:07:43,828 --> 00:07:46,330
Well, it could be.
It is also, of course,

155
00:07:46,331 --> 00:07:48,266
"custard" spelled backwards.

156
00:07:49,935 --> 00:07:52,636
- "Custard"? - And if we apply
the same backwards principle

157
00:07:52,637 --> 00:07:55,106
To our other mystery words,

158
00:07:55,107 --> 00:07:57,608
We discover that the "st. Neduts"

159
00:07:57,609 --> 00:08:00,378
Who want autonomy for "egelloc"

160
00:08:00,379 --> 00:08:04,515
Turn out to be "students" who
want autonomy for their "college."

161
00:08:04,516 --> 00:08:07,218
I fear, Derek, that you've been
a victim of a rag week prank.

162
00:08:09,221 --> 00:08:11,155
( forced laugh )

163
00:08:12,424 --> 00:08:14,825
You worked it out quicker
than I thought, Raymond.

164
00:08:14,826 --> 00:08:17,628
Not as quickly as I did,
but well done all the same.

165
00:08:17,629 --> 00:08:20,398
( tense chuckle )

166
00:08:20,399 --> 00:08:22,266
Sir, I got the home office on the phone.

167
00:08:24,403 --> 00:08:26,938
And the armed response unit
want to know what you want.

168
00:08:26,939 --> 00:08:30,041
Tell them I'm gonna shoot
some bleeding students!

169
00:08:30,042 --> 00:08:31,342
So as I was saying,

170
00:08:31,343 --> 00:08:34,312
Tolerance - the police
officer's secret weapon.

171
00:08:35,414 --> 00:08:38,049
What a "diputs loof" that man is.

172
00:08:40,786 --> 00:08:43,354
You won't forget to go to the
bank at lunchtime, will you?

173
00:08:43,355 --> 00:08:46,123
I'm snowed under. I'll have
to do admin over a take-away.

174
00:08:46,124 --> 00:08:48,426
More haste, less speed, sergeant.

175
00:08:48,427 --> 00:08:50,961
Rushed meals lead
only to upset stomachs,

176
00:08:50,962 --> 00:08:53,230
And onion rings on the duty log.

177
00:08:53,231 --> 00:08:57,100
I shouldn't eat so much rubbish,
anyway. It's making me flabby.

178
00:08:57,101 --> 00:08:59,503
- What absolute nonsense, Patricia.
- You think so?

179
00:08:59,504 --> 00:09:02,340
Of course. It's got
nothing to do with diet.

180
00:09:02,341 --> 00:09:04,742
You're bound to start to
sag a bit as you get older.

181
00:09:07,212 --> 00:09:09,480
( sirens wail )

182
00:09:17,021 --> 00:09:19,523
All right, we check the handwriting

183
00:09:19,524 --> 00:09:21,692
Of every student in this college.

184
00:09:21,693 --> 00:09:24,061
Assuming, that is, that
they know how to write.

185
00:09:24,062 --> 00:09:25,896
You hear that, Kray? Eh? Kray?

186
00:09:25,897 --> 00:09:28,632
Hello, darling. What are
you studying then, eh?

187
00:09:41,179 --> 00:09:43,614
- Raymond!
- Yes?

188
00:09:43,615 --> 00:09:45,750
It's nearly half past.
What about the bank?

189
00:09:45,751 --> 00:09:49,219
Great heavens to Betsy,
Patricia. There's plenty of time.

190
00:09:49,220 --> 00:09:51,589
Can't a fellow be allowed
a few moments of peace

191
00:09:51,590 --> 00:09:53,791
To read a chapter of "Sherlock Holmes"

192
00:09:53,792 --> 00:09:55,760
And enjoy his chocolate frog?

193
00:09:55,761 --> 00:09:59,296
I'm not even having a lunch
break. There's too much paperwork.

194
00:09:59,297 --> 00:10:01,899
If you don't go to the bank
and renew the standing orders

195
00:10:01,900 --> 00:10:04,835
- They'll repossess the telly!
- That'd be no bad thing.

196
00:10:04,836 --> 00:10:07,671
It's all rubbish, anyway.
Nothing but mindless escapism.

197
00:10:07,672 --> 00:10:11,108
Oh, and "Sherlock Holmes" isn't
mindless escapism, I suppose?

198
00:10:11,109 --> 00:10:13,677
Sherlock Holmes is literature.

199
00:10:13,678 --> 00:10:16,113
- Hah!
- If it is also escapism,

200
00:10:16,114 --> 00:10:18,582
Then it is good, solid escapism

201
00:10:18,583 --> 00:10:21,452
With no game shows or swearing.

202
00:10:21,453 --> 00:10:23,587
Rag week is a trying time, Patricia.

203
00:10:23,588 --> 00:10:25,756
And I think I might be forgiven

204
00:10:25,757 --> 00:10:28,459
For wanting to dream
again my boyhood dreams

205
00:10:28,460 --> 00:10:31,829
Of foiling the machinations
of "the redheaded league."

206
00:10:31,830 --> 00:10:35,065
Well, we none of us
get what we want, do we?

207
00:10:35,066 --> 00:10:37,067
I know I don't.

208
00:10:37,068 --> 00:10:39,102
No, I suppose not.

209
00:10:39,103 --> 00:10:41,772
It must be a dull
business for you, sergeant,

210
00:10:41,773 --> 00:10:45,443
Being attached to a
creaky old plodder like me.

211
00:10:45,444 --> 00:10:48,245
It weighs on me, you know? It does.

212
00:10:48,246 --> 00:10:50,815
Sometimes, I imagine
myself doing something

213
00:10:50,816 --> 00:10:54,518
Splendidly heroic to
make you proud of me.

214
00:10:54,519 --> 00:10:56,520
Proud and happy.

215
00:10:56,521 --> 00:10:58,055
You could make me proud and happy

216
00:10:58,056 --> 00:10:59,790
By going to the bank when I asked you,

217
00:10:59,791 --> 00:11:03,160
And occasionally giving
me a damned good rogering!

218
00:11:08,567 --> 00:11:11,134
Oh dear.

219
00:11:11,135 --> 00:11:13,170
Ah-

220
00:11:14,639 --> 00:11:16,707
Constable Gladstone...

221
00:11:16,708 --> 00:11:19,877
Sergeant Dawkins and I
were just discussing...

222
00:11:19,878 --> 00:11:22,145
That fellow ring.

223
00:11:23,181 --> 00:11:25,683
Roger ring.

224
00:11:27,118 --> 00:11:29,653
And we were just saying...

225
00:11:30,822 --> 00:11:32,923
Well, how damned good he is, basically.

226
00:11:34,258 --> 00:11:37,761
Damned good roger ring.

227
00:11:37,762 --> 00:11:40,831
- Isn't that right, sergeant?
- Yes, that's right, dear.

228
00:11:40,832 --> 00:11:43,834
But we see so little of
him these days, don't we?

229
00:11:45,504 --> 00:11:48,372
Or indeed, his swedish
cousin - bonk.

230
00:11:54,479 --> 00:11:56,614
What do you want, Gladstone?

231
00:11:56,615 --> 00:11:58,782
What do I want?

232
00:11:58,783 --> 00:12:02,319
I don't know.

233
00:12:02,320 --> 00:12:05,789
I heard nothing, sir.
It's none of my business.

234
00:12:08,493 --> 00:12:10,961
I think we got away with that one.

235
00:12:12,263 --> 00:12:14,865
Just don't forget to go to the bank.

236
00:12:23,842 --> 00:12:26,944
Best morning we ever had
at the arcade, Maureen.

237
00:12:27,946 --> 00:12:30,447
Fivepence, tenpence...

238
00:12:32,984 --> 00:12:35,052
Hello, inspector Fowler.

239
00:12:40,358 --> 00:12:42,325
Visiting the bank?

240
00:12:42,326 --> 00:12:44,461
Thank you for pointing
that out, constable Goody.

241
00:12:44,462 --> 00:12:48,799
I was about to ask for two tickets
to see "Lawrence of Arabia."

242
00:12:48,800 --> 00:12:51,234
Do you think we're in
the right queue, sir?

243
00:12:51,235 --> 00:12:53,437
Some of the other queues
are moving much faster,

244
00:12:53,438 --> 00:12:55,472
And soon it'll be time
to be back at work.

245
00:12:56,575 --> 00:12:58,375
( whispers ) I think I'll swap.

246
00:12:58,376 --> 00:13:00,678
Do you think I should swap,
sir? I think I should swap.

247
00:13:00,679 --> 00:13:02,746
Some of the other queues
are moving much quicker.

248
00:13:02,747 --> 00:13:04,682
- You think I should
swap queues, sir? - Yes.

249
00:13:04,683 --> 00:13:07,517
I think you should swap queues.
I think you should swap banks.

250
00:13:07,518 --> 00:13:10,921
If I were given my choice, I'd have
you in a different country altogether.

251
00:13:12,857 --> 00:13:15,092
I've got an idea, sir.

252
00:13:15,093 --> 00:13:19,129
What if I swap queues,
but you stay here?

253
00:13:19,130 --> 00:13:21,131
Then we can keep an eye on each other.

254
00:13:21,132 --> 00:13:23,266
If you get to the window
first, I'll rush over

255
00:13:23,267 --> 00:13:25,402
And you can let me in. If
I get to the window first,

256
00:13:25,403 --> 00:13:27,304
You can come back and I'll let you in.

257
00:13:27,305 --> 00:13:31,341
No, no, what we do is we put
a bag here to save our place

258
00:13:31,342 --> 00:13:33,811
Then we go and join the other queues
- no, no, no, no!

259
00:13:33,812 --> 00:13:37,147
I've got a much better idea. We put a
coat and a bag at the end of each queue,

260
00:13:37,148 --> 00:13:39,349
And ask other people to
shuffle them down so we-

261
00:13:39,350 --> 00:13:42,152
( shouts ) constable Goody!

262
00:13:43,688 --> 00:13:45,789
Fivepence...

263
00:13:45,790 --> 00:13:48,726
Tenpence... 15...

264
00:13:48,727 --> 00:13:51,461
Excuse me? Police. Won't be a minute.

265
00:13:51,462 --> 00:13:53,463
- Ta, love.
- Yes, officer?

266
00:13:53,464 --> 00:13:56,266
I've filled it all in, and I'd
like it in 20s, please, darlin'.

267
00:13:56,267 --> 00:14:00,170
Just one moment,
detective constable Kray...

268
00:14:00,171 --> 00:14:02,305
Did you just push in?

269
00:14:02,306 --> 00:14:04,174
Well, yeah. I always do that.

270
00:14:04,175 --> 00:14:06,777
If you can't jump the odd queue,
what's the point of being a copper?

271
00:14:06,778 --> 00:14:09,079
Ta, love.

272
00:14:09,080 --> 00:14:11,615
The point, constable Kray,

273
00:14:11,616 --> 00:14:13,083
To quote the first paragraph

274
00:14:13,084 --> 00:14:15,686
Of "the police statement of
common purpose and value,"

275
00:14:15,687 --> 00:14:18,155
Is to "uphold the law firmly and fairly;

276
00:14:18,156 --> 00:14:20,824
To prevent crime; to
pursue and bring to justice

277
00:14:20,825 --> 00:14:23,426
Those who break the law;
to keep the queen's peace;

278
00:14:23,427 --> 00:14:25,929
To protect, help and reassure people;

279
00:14:25,930 --> 00:14:28,065
And to be seen to do
all this with integrity,

280
00:14:28,066 --> 00:14:29,900
Common sense, and sound judgment."

281
00:14:29,901 --> 00:14:33,671
I seek in vain to find couched
within that glorious sentiment

282
00:14:33,672 --> 00:14:36,040
Any mention of pushing in.

283
00:14:36,041 --> 00:14:38,842
Come on, sir, perks
of the job, isn't it?

284
00:14:38,843 --> 00:14:42,379
- Finished, sir.
- Here, sir, I think you've lost your place.

285
00:14:42,380 --> 00:14:43,947
( chuckles )

286
00:14:48,687 --> 00:14:50,287
Two seconds to spare.

287
00:14:50,288 --> 00:14:51,922
Good afternoon, sergeant Dawkins.

288
00:14:51,923 --> 00:14:54,224
Forgive me for not greeting
you more affectionately,

289
00:14:54,225 --> 00:14:56,626
But as you can see from the
clock, I am back on duty.

290
00:14:56,627 --> 00:14:59,462
- Did you go to the bank?
- Of course I went to the bank.

291
00:14:59,463 --> 00:15:01,631
( sighs ) Thank goodness
that's out of the way.

292
00:15:01,632 --> 00:15:04,735
I should perhaps add that
although I went to the bank,

293
00:15:04,736 --> 00:15:09,539
I didn't actually manage to transact
any business while I was there.

294
00:15:09,540 --> 00:15:12,209
Are you telling me you didn't
organize the standing orders?

295
00:15:12,210 --> 00:15:15,846
I fear not. You see, I
neglected to allow for the fact

296
00:15:15,847 --> 00:15:17,981
That because the banks
now spend so much money

297
00:15:17,982 --> 00:15:20,718
Advertising their tawdry
services on the television,

298
00:15:20,719 --> 00:15:23,653
They can no longer afford
to actually employ any staff.

299
00:15:23,654 --> 00:15:26,190
I'm going to write to
somebody, I really am.

300
00:15:26,191 --> 00:15:30,293
Their adverts suggest this
utopian space-age world

301
00:15:30,294 --> 00:15:33,130
Where money is handed out willy-nilly

302
00:15:33,131 --> 00:15:37,634
By gorgeous pouting nymphettes
with degrees in computing.

303
00:15:37,635 --> 00:15:41,504
Well, we do not require
nymphettes, pouting or otherwise.

304
00:15:41,505 --> 00:15:44,842
All we ask is that they put
some extra staff on at lunchtime

305
00:15:44,843 --> 00:15:47,711
And pens on the ends
of the little chains.

306
00:15:47,712 --> 00:15:51,481
I don't believe you, Raymond.
You can't do the simplest thing!

307
00:15:51,482 --> 00:15:55,652
Now I shall have to go after
all and make up the time.

308
00:15:55,653 --> 00:15:57,888
You're a bloody idiot,
you know that, don't you?

309
00:15:57,889 --> 00:16:01,225
- A bloody idiot! - Please, sergeant
Dawkins, we are on duty.

310
00:16:01,226 --> 00:16:03,627
I am not an idiot, I am
your commanding officer.

311
00:16:03,628 --> 00:16:06,496
I'm only an idiot between 1:00 and 2:00

312
00:16:06,497 --> 00:16:08,732
After 6:30 and at weekends.

313
00:16:08,733 --> 00:16:12,302
Well, I'm not on duty,
so you are an idiot,

314
00:16:12,303 --> 00:16:15,139
A pompous twit and a
pain in the backside.

315
00:16:15,140 --> 00:16:17,141
Maggie, you're in charge of the desk.

316
00:16:17,142 --> 00:16:18,842
Hi, inspector Fowler.

317
00:16:18,843 --> 00:16:21,611
I'm collecting tea and
biccie money. You owe £4.

318
00:16:21,612 --> 00:16:24,782
I'm afraid I shall have to pay
you tomorrow, constable Gladstone.

319
00:16:24,783 --> 00:16:26,984
I was held up at the bank.

320
00:16:26,985 --> 00:16:29,787
I must say, you're
taking it very calmly.

321
00:16:29,788 --> 00:16:31,488
( Grim yelling )

322
00:16:31,489 --> 00:16:33,990
Right, excuse me, please.
Can I get through, please?

323
00:16:33,991 --> 00:16:35,325
Thank you very much.

324
00:16:35,326 --> 00:16:38,661
Constable Habib, I want this
lot processed and charged.

325
00:16:38,662 --> 00:16:42,032
- What for, looking stupid?
- Bloody students.

326
00:16:42,033 --> 00:16:46,436
We pay for this, you know? We
pay taxes so these imbeciles

327
00:16:46,437 --> 00:16:48,671
Can send hoax threats to the police.

328
00:16:48,672 --> 00:16:50,974
They think it's a joke?
Well, it isn't a joke.

329
00:16:50,975 --> 00:16:53,210
I know what a joke
is, and this isn't it.

330
00:16:53,211 --> 00:16:55,912
A joke is something like...

331
00:16:55,913 --> 00:16:59,716
A man walks into a bar. He says
"ouch" 'cause it's a public bar-

332
00:16:59,717 --> 00:17:01,885
I mean it's an iron bar.

333
00:17:01,886 --> 00:17:03,619
Now that's a joke!

334
00:17:03,620 --> 00:17:07,023
Hhm, yes. They say it's
the way you tell them.

335
00:17:08,292 --> 00:17:10,026
Now you get on, inspector Grim.

336
00:17:10,027 --> 00:17:11,661
We'll book this lot of desperados

337
00:17:11,662 --> 00:17:14,530
And ensure they're properly
dealt with, never fear.

338
00:17:14,531 --> 00:17:18,668
I'm glad you recognize the
seriousness of the situation.

339
00:17:18,669 --> 00:17:21,504
If I'm not at the nick,
you can get me on my mobile.

340
00:17:21,505 --> 00:17:24,040
I'll give you a banana. ( chuckles )

341
00:17:27,945 --> 00:17:29,512
Look at you.

342
00:17:29,513 --> 00:17:32,815
I can scarcely believe my eyes.

343
00:17:32,816 --> 00:17:35,018
The future of Britain,

344
00:17:35,019 --> 00:17:37,420
The cream of a proud nation.

345
00:17:37,421 --> 00:17:39,256
Oh, god help us.

346
00:17:41,058 --> 00:17:43,459
Do you honestly think

347
00:17:43,460 --> 00:17:46,296
Any halfway decent japanese company

348
00:17:46,297 --> 00:17:49,299
Is going to want to give
any of you lot a job?

349
00:17:49,300 --> 00:17:51,935
When Mr. Mitsubishi is asking himself,

350
00:17:51,936 --> 00:17:54,304
"where shall I construct
our new generation

351
00:17:54,305 --> 00:17:56,206
Of small family hatchbacks?"

352
00:17:56,207 --> 00:17:58,341
Do you think he's going
to say "Oh, I know,

353
00:17:58,342 --> 00:17:59,509
We'll go to Britain,

354
00:17:59,510 --> 00:18:00,877
Where the academic elite

355
00:18:00,878 --> 00:18:04,381
Are a bunch of idiots in
tutus and gorilla masks"?

356
00:18:04,382 --> 00:18:06,816
Or will he go to continental Europe...

357
00:18:06,817 --> 00:18:10,987
Where young people wear Benetton
tops and respect authority?

358
00:18:10,988 --> 00:18:13,623
Did you ever think of that? No!

359
00:18:13,624 --> 00:18:15,959
Well, it's time you
bucked up your ideas then!

360
00:18:15,960 --> 00:18:18,694
Or before long, Britain's
name will be mud.

361
00:18:18,695 --> 00:18:21,531
Or worse, it'll be Italy.

362
00:18:23,467 --> 00:18:25,802
You're not worth
charging. Just shove off!

363
00:18:27,638 --> 00:18:29,872
I weep for our country, I really do.

364
00:18:29,873 --> 00:18:33,009
Did you know that 12-year-olds
in Holland and Belgium

365
00:18:33,010 --> 00:18:35,178
Can already speak fluent english?

366
00:18:35,179 --> 00:18:38,014
They're no cleverer than
British children, sir.

367
00:18:38,015 --> 00:18:41,451
My niece is only 10 and she
can speak fluent english.

368
00:18:45,122 --> 00:18:48,558
Your head is just something you
keep your hat on, isn't it, laddie?

369
00:18:51,595 --> 00:18:53,463
( sighs )

370
00:18:55,032 --> 00:18:56,933
Rest assured, inspector Grim,

371
00:18:56,934 --> 00:18:58,868
I have dealt with those reprobates.

372
00:18:58,869 --> 00:19:00,203
For all the good it'll do.

373
00:19:00,204 --> 00:19:02,238
You might as well have
told them to shove off.

374
00:19:04,275 --> 00:19:07,710
I'm tired of police
work. Aren't you, Raymond?

375
00:19:07,711 --> 00:19:10,580
Nothing but idiots, delinquents,

376
00:19:10,581 --> 00:19:13,083
Yobbos and hooligans.

377
00:19:13,084 --> 00:19:15,685
Oh, I think you're being
a bit harsh there, Derek.

378
00:19:15,686 --> 00:19:18,921
Some of your officers aren't so bad.

379
00:19:18,922 --> 00:19:21,992
You know damn well what I mean!

380
00:19:21,993 --> 00:19:24,227
It's all gone...

381
00:19:24,228 --> 00:19:26,162
Posh, snob, brainy,

382
00:19:26,163 --> 00:19:28,598
Bloody, hoity-toity, up your bum

383
00:19:28,599 --> 00:19:30,867
And pardon me for living.

384
00:19:32,136 --> 00:19:33,803
I beg your pardon?

385
00:19:33,804 --> 00:19:37,273
There was a time when if a
bloke wanted to rob a bank,

386
00:19:37,274 --> 00:19:39,442
He went out and he bought a shotgun.

387
00:19:39,443 --> 00:19:42,678
Nowadays he buys a suit
from Marks & Spencers

388
00:19:42,679 --> 00:19:44,914
And gets a degree in accountancy.

389
00:19:44,915 --> 00:19:47,317
They think we're stupid,
you know that, don't you?

390
00:19:47,318 --> 00:19:50,387
I'm not stupid! I've got five o-levels.

391
00:19:51,588 --> 00:19:53,990
Two of them bloody good grades!

392
00:19:53,991 --> 00:19:58,161
Uh, excuse me. Yes? Fowler.

393
00:19:58,162 --> 00:20:01,464
Raymond, I'm in the
bank. There's a hold up.

394
00:20:01,465 --> 00:20:04,467
What? Still? I don't believe it!

395
00:20:04,468 --> 00:20:06,036
They'll have to get more staff!

396
00:20:06,037 --> 00:20:08,338
I'm going to write to the
head office, I really am!

397
00:20:08,339 --> 00:20:09,705
Shut up, you fool, and listen!

398
00:20:09,706 --> 00:20:11,574
It really is a hold up
- with guns.

399
00:20:11,575 --> 00:20:13,843
I'm lying face down
with the other customers.

400
00:20:13,844 --> 00:20:15,845
Stay where you are!

401
00:20:15,846 --> 00:20:17,313
Don't move!

402
00:20:17,314 --> 00:20:19,215
That's what they said!

403
00:20:19,216 --> 00:20:21,751
Whose side are you on? Got to go.

404
00:20:21,752 --> 00:20:24,954
A real, live,

405
00:20:24,955 --> 00:20:27,757
Armed bank robbery.

406
00:20:27,758 --> 00:20:31,261
God, I'm so happy I could cry.

407
00:20:33,964 --> 00:20:36,799
Fowler: White aspect secure. 1-2, out.

408
00:20:45,842 --> 00:20:48,478
Well, thanks to sergeant
Dawkins' prompt action,

409
00:20:48,479 --> 00:20:50,580
We've got them good and cornered.

410
00:20:50,581 --> 00:20:52,449
I hope they haven't shot her.

411
00:20:54,118 --> 00:20:56,886
- Have you established communications?
- Of course I have.

412
00:20:56,887 --> 00:20:58,354
You worry about your own job.

413
00:20:58,355 --> 00:21:00,356
Are the operational perimeters secure?

414
00:21:00,357 --> 00:21:02,792
My officers are in complete control.

415
00:21:02,793 --> 00:21:05,828
All right, everyone, step back a
bit, please. Come on, step back.

416
00:21:05,829 --> 00:21:09,566
There you go, son. I can't afford
much, but if it's for charity...

417
00:21:09,567 --> 00:21:13,236
- What?
- You're students, aren't you? This is a rag week stunt.

418
00:21:13,237 --> 00:21:16,806
I knew straight off
that he wasn't a copper.

419
00:21:16,807 --> 00:21:18,841
He's too young and weedy.

420
00:21:18,842 --> 00:21:21,211
I thought, "he's a student, he is."

421
00:21:21,212 --> 00:21:24,380
I ain't giving him nothing.
I've given enough already!

422
00:21:24,381 --> 00:21:27,817
I've paid for your
education, you layabout.

423
00:21:27,818 --> 00:21:31,489
And for your heroin, and
your free bloody condoms!

424
00:21:32,557 --> 00:21:35,826
Look, I am not a student!

425
00:21:35,827 --> 00:21:39,430
I am a real police officer and
there is a bank robbery in progress

426
00:21:39,431 --> 00:21:41,432
So will you kindly stand back please?!

427
00:21:41,433 --> 00:21:43,867
( giggles ) He's very good, isn't he?

428
00:21:43,868 --> 00:21:46,069
I mean, he's really quite convincing.

429
00:21:46,070 --> 00:21:49,573
- Perhaps he's a drama student.
- I don't care what he is.

430
00:21:49,574 --> 00:21:52,075
He should get a bloody job!

431
00:21:52,076 --> 00:21:54,512
Leave him alone, he
hasn't done any harm.

432
00:21:54,513 --> 00:21:57,781
Here, you haven't got
any pot, have you, luv?

433
00:21:57,782 --> 00:21:59,850
My rheumatism's killing me

434
00:21:59,851 --> 00:22:01,918
And paracetamol just
brings my dinner up.

435
00:22:02,920 --> 00:22:04,888
Yes, yes.

436
00:22:04,889 --> 00:22:07,458
We'll see what we can do.

437
00:22:07,459 --> 00:22:09,126
Fowler, job for you.

438
00:22:09,127 --> 00:22:10,561
Go!

439
00:22:12,130 --> 00:22:14,131
What can I do? How can I help?

440
00:22:14,132 --> 00:22:17,934
They want a pizza. Detail your
people to get them a pizza.

441
00:22:17,935 --> 00:22:21,272
Of course. And perhaps a
small selection of cupcakes.

442
00:22:21,273 --> 00:22:23,106
Standard procedure, Fowler.

443
00:22:23,107 --> 00:22:26,310
We acquiesce to the gunmen's
demands, that way we win their trust.

444
00:22:26,311 --> 00:22:27,911
Brilliant, Grim.

445
00:22:27,912 --> 00:22:30,514
We win their trust by
buying them a pizza.

446
00:22:30,515 --> 00:22:34,985
Why it seems so simple. I wonder if
the same tactics could work in Bosnia?

447
00:22:34,986 --> 00:22:36,320
Just do your job, Fowler.

448
00:22:36,321 --> 00:22:39,122
And if the shooting
starts, keep your head down.

449
00:22:40,758 --> 00:22:42,125
Go!

450
00:22:43,828 --> 00:22:46,463
But there mustn't be any
shooting, for heaven's sake.

451
00:22:46,464 --> 00:22:48,432
There are innocent people in there.

452
00:22:48,433 --> 00:22:51,001
Patricia's in there.
We must talk to them.

453
00:22:51,002 --> 00:22:53,003
I have talked to them. They won't budge.

454
00:22:53,004 --> 00:22:55,239
I've used all my negotiating skills.

455
00:22:55,240 --> 00:22:58,509
Look, Grim, you have all
the negotiating skills

456
00:22:58,510 --> 00:23:00,444
Of an embittered rottweiler.

457
00:23:00,445 --> 00:23:04,582
Your telephone manner is about as
appealing as a pub toilet at closing time.

458
00:23:04,583 --> 00:23:06,483
Let me talk to them.

459
00:23:07,586 --> 00:23:09,720
No can do!

460
00:23:09,721 --> 00:23:12,189
This is C.I.D. business,

461
00:23:12,190 --> 00:23:14,358
And that is my phone.

462
00:23:15,560 --> 00:23:18,395
The woman I love is in that bank.

463
00:23:18,396 --> 00:23:20,197
Let me talk to them.

464
00:23:20,198 --> 00:23:22,466
Just order the pizza.

465
00:23:22,467 --> 00:23:26,103
Sir, if I give him the money,
do you think he'll get me one?

466
00:23:27,105 --> 00:23:29,673
Goody, the criminals desire a pizza.

467
00:23:29,674 --> 00:23:31,475
- Kindly order one.
- Yes, sir.

468
00:23:31,476 --> 00:23:33,444
Oh, what sort of pizza, sir?

469
00:23:33,445 --> 00:23:35,446
I don't know, spicy gerbil flavored.

470
00:23:35,447 --> 00:23:37,681
- Just get the pizza.
- Do you mean the works?

471
00:23:37,682 --> 00:23:40,284
- What?
- The works, sir. It means all the toppings.

472
00:23:40,285 --> 00:23:42,419
Yes, yes, who cares?
Just order everything.

473
00:23:42,420 --> 00:23:44,355
No, I don't think
that's a good idea, sir.

474
00:23:44,356 --> 00:23:48,259
Everything includes anchovies. Lots
of people hate anchovies. I know I do.

475
00:23:48,260 --> 00:23:50,761
Anchovies could send these
villains over the edge.

476
00:23:50,762 --> 00:23:52,963
And pineapple. I only know one person

477
00:23:52,964 --> 00:23:54,898
Out of all my friends who has pineapple.

478
00:23:54,899 --> 00:23:59,270
"tangy tropical" he has, and
the rest of us go "ugghh!"

479
00:23:59,271 --> 00:24:01,972
Personally, I find the idea
of any seafood on a pizza

480
00:24:01,973 --> 00:24:04,875
- Quite repulsive.
- Yeah, I always pick the olives off.

481
00:24:04,876 --> 00:24:06,377
- Give them to
me- - look, Goody,

482
00:24:06,378 --> 00:24:09,413
Just get a plain cheese and
tomato pizza and get it now!

483
00:24:09,414 --> 00:24:11,915
Oh
- do you think they'll want garlic bread?

484
00:24:11,916 --> 00:24:13,950
Just get the-

485
00:24:17,622 --> 00:24:20,824
On second thoughts, I'll do it myself.

486
00:24:21,959 --> 00:24:23,927
Yes, it's coming.

487
00:24:23,928 --> 00:24:26,062
Where the hell is
Fowler with that pizza?

488
00:24:26,063 --> 00:24:29,166
I want to make a complaint
about police harassment.

489
00:24:30,201 --> 00:24:31,935
Fowler.

490
00:24:31,936 --> 00:24:33,771
Where's Fowler?

491
00:24:40,278 --> 00:24:42,313
( sighs )

492
00:24:54,592 --> 00:24:56,293
Pizza delivery.

493
00:24:56,294 --> 00:24:58,895
If it isn't hot,
there's a 50 pence refund

494
00:24:58,896 --> 00:25:02,999
On your next purchase
of diet or regular pepsi.

495
00:25:03,000 --> 00:25:06,269
But it only applies between 6:30
and 7:00 mondays and tuesdays,

496
00:25:06,270 --> 00:25:09,072
Subject to availability.
Usual restrictions apply.

497
00:25:10,274 --> 00:25:11,809
( buzzes )

498
00:25:20,585 --> 00:25:23,787
Well, I might have known.

499
00:25:26,157 --> 00:25:28,659
Now this time, you
really have gone too far.

500
00:25:28,660 --> 00:25:31,027
All right, lob us the pizza.

501
00:25:31,028 --> 00:25:33,664
Then get lying on the
floor with them other lot.

502
00:25:33,665 --> 00:25:36,900
"lob us the pizza"? "them other lot"?

503
00:25:36,901 --> 00:25:39,102
Great jangling jelly babies,

504
00:25:39,103 --> 00:25:41,037
If you'd spend more time in lectures

505
00:25:41,038 --> 00:25:43,474
Instead of playing
ridiculous pranks like this

506
00:25:43,475 --> 00:25:45,442
You might sound slightly less moronic.

507
00:25:45,443 --> 00:25:47,711
This rag nonsense has
gone quite far enough.

508
00:25:47,712 --> 00:25:49,580
You're all in very serious trouble.

509
00:25:49,581 --> 00:25:51,515
Now hand over those ridiculous toys.

510
00:25:51,516 --> 00:25:53,484
I'll kill you, you bastard!

511
00:25:53,485 --> 00:25:56,720
Don't you dare take that
tone with me, laddie.

512
00:25:56,721 --> 00:25:59,456
There's nothing clever
about foul language.

513
00:25:59,457 --> 00:26:02,526
I... am a police officer.

514
00:26:03,795 --> 00:26:06,062
And you are all under arrest.

515
00:26:06,063 --> 00:26:08,799
Get away or you're dead.

516
00:26:08,800 --> 00:26:10,301
I'm going to count to 10.

517
00:26:10,302 --> 00:26:11,802
One...

518
00:26:11,803 --> 00:26:12,969
Two...

519
00:26:12,970 --> 00:26:14,505
Don't, Reg!

520
00:26:14,506 --> 00:26:17,073
I don't want anything to
do with murdering coppers.

521
00:26:17,074 --> 00:26:20,611
If you hurt him, I'll shove
that gun so far down your throat

522
00:26:20,612 --> 00:26:23,079
You'll be blowing bullets
out of your backside!

523
00:26:23,080 --> 00:26:25,882
Blimey, they're all coppers!

524
00:26:29,053 --> 00:26:30,621
Thank you.

525
00:26:30,622 --> 00:26:33,791
I've never heard of such
naughtiness, I really haven't.

526
00:26:40,565 --> 00:26:43,767
All right, Grim, the "siege" is over.

527
00:26:44,769 --> 00:26:46,236
Don't - tch!

528
00:26:49,073 --> 00:26:52,142
Oh, Raymond, you were wonderful.

529
00:26:52,143 --> 00:26:54,277
I was so proud of you.

530
00:26:54,278 --> 00:26:56,146
I was very proud of you too, Patricia.

531
00:26:56,147 --> 00:26:57,948
You were most intimidating.

532
00:26:57,949 --> 00:27:00,517
I certainly wouldn't want
to meet you on a dark night.

533
00:27:00,518 --> 00:27:03,119
Except to sleep with me.

534
00:27:05,457 --> 00:27:07,190
Well, quite.

535
00:27:08,493 --> 00:27:10,761
I'm the manager of this
bank, and I have to say

536
00:27:10,762 --> 00:27:12,830
You acted with tremendous courage.

537
00:27:12,831 --> 00:27:14,832
Thank god it's all over.

538
00:27:14,833 --> 00:27:16,500
Grim: Go, go, go!

539
00:27:23,007 --> 00:27:25,942
Well, you broke every
rule in the book, Fowler.

540
00:27:27,044 --> 00:27:28,746
Though I can't deny you...

541
00:27:28,747 --> 00:27:30,981
Ended the siege without bloodshed.

542
00:27:30,982 --> 00:27:35,419
It's pretty cool to talk
round armed robbers like that.

543
00:27:35,420 --> 00:27:38,321
Oh really, Grim? Hasn't
the penny dropped?

544
00:27:38,322 --> 00:27:41,692
Armed robbers? I hardly think so.

545
00:27:41,693 --> 00:27:46,062
Why, under these silly masks, you'll
find no craggy-faced criminals,

546
00:27:46,063 --> 00:27:48,465
But beardless spotty-faced students

547
00:27:48,466 --> 00:27:49,566
On a rag stunt.

548
00:27:52,670 --> 00:27:55,806
There are plenty of mature
students at college these days.

549
00:28:03,014 --> 00:28:04,681
So...

550
00:28:04,682 --> 00:28:06,950
Three desperate villains,
just as I thought.

551
00:28:06,951 --> 00:28:10,186
Both of you risked your lives for us.

552
00:28:10,187 --> 00:28:13,023
Now is there anything
- anything the bank can do for you?

553
00:28:13,024 --> 00:28:15,225
No, no, the only reward
a police officer needs

554
00:28:15,226 --> 00:28:16,993
Is to know that he's done his duty,

555
00:28:16,994 --> 00:28:19,797
Served his community and
ensured that, as ever,

556
00:28:19,798 --> 00:28:22,599
The thin blue line remains unbroken.

557
00:28:22,600 --> 00:28:25,469
Of course, you could
renew our standing orders.

558
00:28:25,470 --> 00:28:27,504
- Oh yes, actually.
- I'm awfully sorry, sir,

559
00:28:27,505 --> 00:28:29,851
The bank closed three minutes ago.

560
00:28:30,823 --> 00:28:32,731
( theme music playing )