( theme music playing )
You promise you won't forget to go to the bank at lunchtime?
No, I won't, Patricia.
Of course, it would be more convenient to go now.
And for that very reason, the bank is closed,
It being the principle of British banking
That the customer must be avoided at all costs.
( whooping, yelling ) Wah-hoo! Ah-hah!
Great thundering trumpets! Has the world run mad?
Rag week, Raymond. Just students having a laugh.
When I was at college I suffered from the curious delusion
That I was there to study.
Oh, well, I suppose we were all young once.
Not you, Raymond. You were born middle-aged.
It's kind of you to say so, Patricia.
I've always attempted to maintain a mature outlook,
But I cannot deny that there have been lapses.
I once possessed... A whoopee cushion.
I never deployed it, of course,
The capacity was there.
I really don't think you're being fair, Patricia.
We have lots of fun together.
What about last night? Flagellation on top of fornication.
You don't often get that.
It was boring!
It was the best "scrabble" score I've ever had.
Just don't forget to go to the bank at lunchtime.
Morning, Pat.
- You all right? - Oh, it's Raymond. He's getting worse.
Do you know, last week I found him in bed with a model?
- No. - We've still got bits of balsa wood stuck to the duvet.
"juvenile," "juvenile," "juvenile."
More juvenile, sir.
Just once in a while,
I'd like to nick someone whose balls have dropped!
And where are the real crimes, eh?
The terrorism, the bank jobs-
I had such exciting dreams, Kray.
Yeah, I get them, sir.
Rubber waders and a boat hook. You don't half wake up sweating.
Yes - rag week, ladies and gentlemen, is upon us again.
Come on, come on, sit down.
And the question that every policeman-
Or indeed, police person-
Must ask himself-
Or indeed...
Itself...
Is "how are we to deal
With the inevitable juvenile excesses to come?"
- Constable Goody? - Um...
Well, it depends, doesn't it, sir?
I mean, not all excesses are the same.
Are we talking plain excesses,
Or excessive excesses?
Well, I think by definition, excesses are excessive,
Or they wouldn't be excesses, would they?
Is this one of those brain teasers
Where Cleopatra turns out to be a goldfish?
Concentrate, laddie, concentrate.
Because believe or it not, you did make a valid point.
One must, of course, judge each case on its merits.
I do not wish to have my officers accused
Of being excessive in their treatment of excesses,
Especially if those excesses are not particularly excessive.
So on the whole, what I think we are discussing here
Are excessive excesses.
Is that clear?
No.
But keep going, sir. I expect we'll catch up.
A decent crime, that's all I'm asking for.
We used to get them every day.
This neighborhood's really gone downhill.
This just came through, sir.
Looks very tasty, very naughty.
This is it!
Crockett, I need profiles
On all known terrorists in the southeast.
Kray, phone the home office, phone the armed response unit.
Get me a tea - milk, four sugars.
- In what order, sir? - Blimey, Kray,
Where were you dragged up?
Milk in first, tea next, sugar last.
So... What excesses may we expect to encounter
And how are we best to deal with them?
What about a student rugby club sing along and trouser-dropping?
- How do we deal with that? - Hmm.
Good question.
Well, if at all possible, exercise tolerance-
The police officer's secret weapon.
But never forget that if you arrest
A college rugby team for using obscene language,
At some point you'll find yourself in court
Having to recite the lyrics of "the good ship venus."
- Surely not, sir. - Oh, yes.
Defense briefs are ruthless.
They will say to you, "exactly what did my client suggest
That the figurehead was sucking?"
And if you do not answer in a loud, clear voice,
- They will claim you are unsure of your facts. - Answer what, sir?
( stammers )
An external organ of the male anatomy.
That doesn't rhyme with "venus."
May I have a word, Raymond?
A matter of extreme urgency has arisen.
I want to bring you up to speed,
Because you and your officers may possibly
Be able to assist in a minor capacity
At some hypothetical later stage,
Although I doubt it.
And only if I let you, which I probably won't.
Anything we can do to help, Derek.
Perhaps we could all club together and buy you a straitjacket.
Now this has just arrived. I think it's genuine.
"We, the st. Neduts,
Demand freedom and political autonomy
For our sovereign state of Egelloc."
My guess is some form of gaelic or celtic separatism.
And my guess is some form of brain-from-body separatism.
This is clearly the work of a wild lunatic.
Exactly. Have you ever been to Wales?
As for the Scots, if your national dish is a sheep's stomach,
You're gonna be bitter, aren't you?
Of course, it could be the Cornish. They're bloody strange.
- And the Geordies- - so at present you suspect anyone
Who doesn't live within 10 miles of the Thames estuary?
Sir, I'm probably completely wrong,
But "egelloc" sounds a bit anglo-saxon,
Maybe something to do with the arthurian legends.
Well done, constable.
You got a good little brain there.
Bit of training, we might make you a detective.
Oh, I don't think so, sir.
I haven't got the skills, you see?
- For one thing, I can't talk out of my- - yes, thank you, Habib.
Surely you're not suggesting we take this note seriously?
I take all threats of terrorist activity seriously
Until proved otherwise.
Have a look at the rest of the fax.
"be warned that we intend to target
The fascist borough of Gasforth
With a series of terror attacks
Using deadly 'dratsuc.'"
I've got a very, very bad feeling in my stomach about this.
How about you, constable Kray?
I don't feel so good myself, sir.
But I did have a kebab for breakfast.
No, this may be a hoax, it may not be.
All I know is, if it is genuine,
My ass will be on the line, and I don't want a cock up.
Well, I imagine that you don't.
So this deadly "dratsuc," what do you think it might be?
My informed guess
Is some sort of semtex-style explosive.
Well, it could be. It is also, of course,
"custard" spelled backwards.
- "Custard"? - And if we apply the same backwards principle
To our other mystery words,
We discover that the "st. Neduts"
Who want autonomy for "egelloc"
Turn out to be "students" who want autonomy for their "college."
I fear, Derek, that you've been a victim of a rag week prank.
( forced laugh )
You worked it out quicker than I thought, Raymond.
Not as quickly as I did, but well done all the same.
( tense chuckle )
Sir, I got the home office on the phone.
And the armed response unit want to know what you want.
Tell them I'm gonna shoot some bleeding students!
So as I was saying,
Tolerance - the police officer's secret weapon.
What a "diputs loof" that man is.
You won't forget to go to the bank at lunchtime, will you?
I'm snowed under. I'll have to do admin over a take-away.
More haste, less speed, sergeant.
Rushed meals lead only to upset stomachs,
And onion rings on the duty log.
I shouldn't eat so much rubbish, anyway. It's making me flabby.
- What absolute nonsense, Patricia. - You think so?
Of course. It's got nothing to do with diet.
You're bound to start to sag a bit as you get older.
( sirens wail )
All right, we check the handwriting
Of every student in this college.
Assuming, that is, that they know how to write.
You hear that, Kray? Eh? Kray?
Hello, darling. What are you studying then, eh?
- Raymond! - Yes?
It's nearly half past. What about the bank?
Great heavens to Betsy, Patricia. There's plenty of time.
Can't a fellow be allowed a few moments of peace
To read a chapter of "Sherlock Holmes"
And enjoy his chocolate frog?
I'm not even having a lunch break. There's too much paperwork.
If you don't go to the bank and renew the standing orders
- They'll repossess the telly! - That'd be no bad thing.
It's all rubbish, anyway. Nothing but mindless escapism.
Oh, and "Sherlock Holmes" isn't mindless escapism, I suppose?
Sherlock Holmes is literature.
- Hah! - If it is also escapism,
Then it is good, solid escapism
With no game shows or swearing.
Rag week is a trying time, Patricia.
And I think I might be forgiven
For wanting to dream again my boyhood dreams
Of foiling the machinations of "the redheaded league."
Well, we none of us get what we want, do we?
I know I don't.
No, I suppose not.
It must be a dull business for you, sergeant,
Being attached to a creaky old plodder like me.
It weighs on me, you know? It does.
Sometimes, I imagine myself doing something
Splendidly heroic to make you proud of me.
Proud and happy.
You could make me proud and happy
By going to the bank when I asked you,
And occasionally giving me a damned good rogering!
Oh dear.
Ah-
Constable Gladstone...
Sergeant Dawkins and I were just discussing...
That fellow ring.
Roger ring.
And we were just saying...
Well, how damned good he is, basically.
Damned good roger ring.
- Isn't that right, sergeant? - Yes, that's right, dear.
But we see so little of him these days, don't we?
Or indeed, his swedish cousin - bonk.
What do you want, Gladstone?
What do I want?
I don't know.
I heard nothing, sir. It's none of my business.
I think we got away with that one.
Just don't forget to go to the bank.
Best morning we ever had at the arcade, Maureen.
Fivepence, tenpence...
Hello, inspector Fowler.
Visiting the bank?
Thank you for pointing that out, constable Goody.
I was about to ask for two tickets to see "Lawrence of Arabia."
Do you think we're in the right queue, sir?
Some of the other queues are moving much faster,
And soon it'll be time to be back at work.
( whispers ) I think I'll swap.
Do you think I should swap, sir? I think I should swap.
Some of the other queues are moving much quicker.
- You think I should swap queues, sir? - Yes.
I think you should swap queues. I think you should swap banks.
If I were given my choice, I'd have you in a different country altogether.
I've got an idea, sir.
What if I swap queues, but you stay here?
Then we can keep an eye on each other.
If you get to the window first, I'll rush over
And you can let me in. If I get to the window first,
You can come back and I'll let you in.
No, no, what we do is we put a bag here to save our place
Then we go and join the other queues - no, no, no, no!
I've got a much better idea. We put a coat and a bag at the end of each queue,
And ask other people to shuffle them down so we-
( shouts ) constable Goody!
Fivepence...
Tenpence... 15...
Excuse me? Police. Won't be a minute.
- Ta, love. - Yes, officer?
I've filled it all in, and I'd like it in 20s, please, darlin'.
Just one moment, detective constable Kray...
Did you just push in?
Well, yeah. I always do that.
If you can't jump the odd queue, what's the point of being a copper?
Ta, love.
The point, constable Kray,
To quote the first paragraph
Of "the police statement of common purpose and value,"
Is to "uphold the law firmly and fairly;
To prevent crime; to pursue and bring to justice
Those who break the law; to keep the queen's peace;
To protect, help and reassure people;
And to be seen to do all this with integrity,
Common sense, and sound judgment."
I seek in vain to find couched within that glorious sentiment
Any mention of pushing in.
Come on, sir, perks of the job, isn't it?
- Finished, sir. - Here, sir, I think you've lost your place.
( chuckles )
Two seconds to spare.
Good afternoon, sergeant Dawkins.
Forgive me for not greeting you more affectionately,
But as you can see from the clock, I am back on duty.
- Did you go to the bank? - Of course I went to the bank.
( sighs ) Thank goodness that's out of the way.
I should perhaps add that although I went to the bank,
I didn't actually manage to transact any business while I was there.
Are you telling me you didn't organize the standing orders?
I fear not. You see, I neglected to allow for the fact
That because the banks now spend so much money
Advertising their tawdry services on the television,
They can no longer afford to actually employ any staff.
I'm going to write to somebody, I really am.
Their adverts suggest this utopian space-age world
Where money is handed out willy-nilly
By gorgeous pouting nymphettes with degrees in computing.
Well, we do not require nymphettes, pouting or otherwise.
All we ask is that they put some extra staff on at lunchtime
And pens on the ends of the little chains.
I don't believe you, Raymond. You can't do the simplest thing!
Now I shall have to go after all and make up the time.
You're a bloody idiot, you know that, don't you?
- A bloody idiot! - Please, sergeant Dawkins, we are on duty.
I am not an idiot, I am your commanding officer.
I'm only an idiot between 1:00 and 2:00
After 6:30 and at weekends.
Well, I'm not on duty, so you are an idiot,
A pompous twit and a pain in the backside.
Maggie, you're in charge of the desk.
Hi, inspector Fowler.
I'm collecting tea and biccie money. You owe £4.
I'm afraid I shall have to pay you tomorrow, constable Gladstone.
I was held up at the bank.
I must say, you're taking it very calmly.
( Grim yelling )
Right, excuse me, please. Can I get through, please?
Thank you very much.
Constable Habib, I want this lot processed and charged.
- What for, looking stupid? - Bloody students.
We pay for this, you know? We pay taxes so these imbeciles
Can send hoax threats to the police.
They think it's a joke? Well, it isn't a joke.
I know what a joke is, and this isn't it.
A joke is something like...
A man walks into a bar. He says "ouch" 'cause it's a public bar-
I mean it's an iron bar.
Now that's a joke!
Hhm, yes. They say it's the way you tell them.
Now you get on, inspector Grim.
We'll book this lot of desperados
And ensure they're properly dealt with, never fear.
I'm glad you recognize the seriousness of the situation.
If I'm not at the nick, you can get me on my mobile.
I'll give you a banana. ( chuckles )
Look at you.
I can scarcely believe my eyes.
The future of Britain,
The cream of a proud nation.
Oh, god help us.
Do you honestly think
Any halfway decent japanese company
Is going to want to give any of you lot a job?
When Mr. Mitsubishi is asking himself,
"where shall I construct our new generation
Of small family hatchbacks?"
Do you think he's going to say "Oh, I know,
We'll go to Britain,
Where the academic elite
Are a bunch of idiots in tutus and gorilla masks"?
Or will he go to continental Europe...
Where young people wear Benetton tops and respect authority?
Did you ever think of that? No!
Well, it's time you bucked up your ideas then!
Or before long, Britain's name will be mud.
Or worse, it'll be Italy.
You're not worth charging. Just shove off!
I weep for our country, I really do.
Did you know that 12-year-olds in Holland and Belgium
Can already speak fluent english?
They're no cleverer than British children, sir.
My niece is only 10 and she can speak fluent english.
Your head is just something you keep your hat on, isn't it, laddie?
( sighs )
Rest assured, inspector Grim,
I have dealt with those reprobates.
For all the good it'll do.
You might as well have told them to shove off.
I'm tired of police work. Aren't you, Raymond?
Nothing but idiots, delinquents,
Yobbos and hooligans.
Oh, I think you're being a bit harsh there, Derek.
Some of your officers aren't so bad.
You know damn well what I mean!
It's all gone...
Posh, snob, brainy,
Bloody, hoity-toity, up your bum
And pardon me for living.
I beg your pardon?
There was a time when if a bloke wanted to rob a bank,
He went out and he bought a shotgun.
Nowadays he buys a suit from Marks & Spencers
And gets a degree in accountancy.
They think we're stupid, you know that, don't you?
I'm not stupid! I've got five o-levels.
Two of them bloody good grades!
Uh, excuse me. Yes? Fowler.
Raymond, I'm in the bank. There's a hold up.
What? Still? I don't believe it!
They'll have to get more staff!
I'm going to write to the head office, I really am!
Shut up, you fool, and listen!
It really is a hold up - with guns.
I'm lying face down with the other customers.
Stay where you are!
Don't move!
That's what they said!
Whose side are you on? Got to go.
A real, live,
Armed bank robbery.
God, I'm so happy I could cry.
Fowler: White aspect secure. 1-2, out.
Well, thanks to sergeant Dawkins' prompt action,
We've got them good and cornered.
I hope they haven't shot her.
- Have you established communications? - Of course I have.
You worry about your own job.
Are the operational perimeters secure?
My officers are in complete control.
All right, everyone, step back a bit, please. Come on, step back.
There you go, son. I can't afford much, but if it's for charity...
- What? - You're students, aren't you? This is a rag week stunt.
I knew straight off that he wasn't a copper.
He's too young and weedy.
I thought, "he's a student, he is."
I ain't giving him nothing. I've given enough already!
I've paid for your education, you layabout.
And for your heroin, and your free bloody condoms!
Look, I am not a student!
I am a real police officer and there is a bank robbery in progress
So will you kindly stand back please?!
( giggles ) He's very good, isn't he?
I mean, he's really quite convincing.
- Perhaps he's a drama student. - I don't care what he is.
He should get a bloody job!
Leave him alone, he hasn't done any harm.
Here, you haven't got any pot, have you, luv?
My rheumatism's killing me
And paracetamol just brings my dinner up.
Yes, yes.
We'll see what we can do.
Fowler, job for you.
Go!
What can I do? How can I help?
They want a pizza. Detail your people to get them a pizza.
Of course. And perhaps a small selection of cupcakes.
Standard procedure, Fowler.
We acquiesce to the gunmen's demands, that way we win their trust.
Brilliant, Grim.
We win their trust by buying them a pizza.
Why it seems so simple. I wonder if the same tactics could work in Bosnia?
Just do your job, Fowler.
And if the shooting starts, keep your head down.
Go!
But there mustn't be any shooting, for heaven's sake.
There are innocent people in there.
Patricia's in there. We must talk to them.
I have talked to them. They won't budge.
I've used all my negotiating skills.
Look, Grim, you have all the negotiating skills
Of an embittered rottweiler.
Your telephone manner is about as appealing as a pub toilet at closing time.
Let me talk to them.
No can do!
This is C.I.D. business,
And that is my phone.
The woman I love is in that bank.
Let me talk to them.
Just order the pizza.
Sir, if I give him the money, do you think he'll get me one?
Goody, the criminals desire a pizza.
- Kindly order one. - Yes, sir.
Oh, what sort of pizza, sir?
I don't know, spicy gerbil flavored.
- Just get the pizza. - Do you mean the works?
- What? - The works, sir. It means all the toppings.
Yes, yes, who cares? Just order everything.
No, I don't think that's a good idea, sir.
Everything includes anchovies. Lots of people hate anchovies. I know I do.
Anchovies could send these villains over the edge.
And pineapple. I only know one person
Out of all my friends who has pineapple.
"tangy tropical" he has, and the rest of us go "ugghh!"
Personally, I find the idea of any seafood on a pizza
- Quite repulsive. - Yeah, I always pick the olives off.
- Give them to me- - look, Goody,
Just get a plain cheese and tomato pizza and get it now!
Oh - do you think they'll want garlic bread?
Just get the-
On second thoughts, I'll do it myself.
Yes, it's coming.
Where the hell is Fowler with that pizza?
I want to make a complaint about police harassment.
Fowler.
Where's Fowler?
( sighs )
Pizza delivery.
If it isn't hot, there's a 50 pence refund
On your next purchase of diet or regular pepsi.
But it only applies between 6:30 and 7:00 mondays and tuesdays,
Subject to availability. Usual restrictions apply.
( buzzes )
Well, I might have known.
Now this time, you really have gone too far.
All right, lob us the pizza.
Then get lying on the floor with them other lot.
"lob us the pizza"? "them other lot"?
Great jangling jelly babies,
If you'd spend more time in lectures
Instead of playing ridiculous pranks like this
You might sound slightly less moronic.
This rag nonsense has gone quite far enough.
You're all in very serious trouble.
Now hand over those ridiculous toys.
I'll kill you, you bastard!
Don't you dare take that tone with me, laddie.
There's nothing clever about foul language.
I... am a police officer.
And you are all under arrest.
Get away or you're dead.
I'm going to count to 10.
One...
Two...
Don't, Reg!
I don't want anything to do with murdering coppers.
If you hurt him, I'll shove that gun so far down your throat
You'll be blowing bullets out of your backside!
Blimey, they're all coppers!
Thank you.
I've never heard of such naughtiness, I really haven't.
All right, Grim, the "siege" is over.
Don't - tch!
Oh, Raymond, you were wonderful.
I was so proud of you.
I was very proud of you too, Patricia.
You were most intimidating.
I certainly wouldn't want to meet you on a dark night.
Except to sleep with me.
Well, quite.
I'm the manager of this bank, and I have to say
You acted with tremendous courage.
Thank god it's all over.
Grim: Go, go, go!
Well, you broke every rule in the book, Fowler.
Though I can't deny you...
Ended the siege without bloodshed.
It's pretty cool to talk round armed robbers like that.
Oh really, Grim? Hasn't the penny dropped?
Armed robbers? I hardly think so.
Why, under these silly masks, you'll find no craggy-faced criminals,
But beardless spotty-faced students
On a rag stunt.
There are plenty of mature students at college these days.
So...
Three desperate villains, just as I thought.
Both of you risked your lives for us.
Now is there anything - anything the bank can do for you?
No, no, the only reward a police officer needs
Is to know that he's done his duty,
Served his community and ensured that, as ever,
The thin blue line remains unbroken.
Of course, you could renew our standing orders.
- Oh yes, actually. - I'm awfully sorry, sir,
The bank closed three minutes ago.
( theme music playing )