1
00:00:03,724 --> 00:00:06,511
( theme music playing )

2
00:00:30,861 --> 00:00:32,575
Raymond: No, no.

3
00:00:32,576 --> 00:00:36,281
No. No, Susan, I fear
that is not convenient.

4
00:00:37,201 --> 00:00:39,461
I know he's my son too,

5
00:00:39,463 --> 00:00:41,497
Even if he does appear
to be the love child

6
00:00:41,498 --> 00:00:43,798
Of a sloth and a warthog.

7
00:00:43,799 --> 00:00:46,600
Look, he is not coming to stay with me

8
00:00:46,601 --> 00:00:48,368
And that is absolutely final.

9
00:00:50,671 --> 00:00:53,404
Just for a fortnight then.

10
00:00:55,974 --> 00:00:58,642
The problem can be
summed up in one word-

11
00:00:58,643 --> 00:01:01,276
Organized crime.

12
00:01:02,679 --> 00:01:05,013
Motors stolen in Gasforth

13
00:01:05,014 --> 00:01:06,747
Are being driven across the channel.

14
00:01:06,748 --> 00:01:09,882
Blimey, you'd need a
decent underseal. ( laughs )

15
00:01:11,217 --> 00:01:13,584
Local delinquents nick the cars

16
00:01:13,585 --> 00:01:16,020
And flog 'em on to mr. Big.

17
00:01:16,021 --> 00:01:17,820
He's out there...

18
00:01:17,821 --> 00:01:19,622
Somewhere,

19
00:01:19,623 --> 00:01:22,357
A fat cat spinning his web,

20
00:01:22,358 --> 00:01:25,325
With his tentacles in every pie.

21
00:01:25,326 --> 00:01:28,128
Shouldn't be too difficult to spot then.

22
00:01:28,129 --> 00:01:31,496
Gentlemen, night duty-

23
00:01:31,497 --> 00:01:35,032
A time when the lamp of justice
must shine like a beacon.

24
00:01:35,033 --> 00:01:37,233
I trust that you are adequately prepared

25
00:01:37,234 --> 00:01:38,333
For the tasks ahead?

26
00:01:38,334 --> 00:01:40,835
I'm at the very peak of my form, sir.

27
00:01:43,504 --> 00:01:46,372
Well, I hope so. For who
knows what danger lurks

28
00:01:46,373 --> 00:01:48,607
In the fearsome watches of the night?

29
00:01:48,608 --> 00:01:51,209
It is our mission to seek it out.

30
00:01:51,210 --> 00:01:54,778
To boldly go where no
man has gone before.

31
00:01:54,779 --> 00:01:57,512
"to go boldly," laddie.
Don't split your infinitives.

32
00:01:57,513 --> 00:01:59,715
Captain Kirk does.

33
00:01:59,716 --> 00:02:03,283
Captain Kirk regularly
accepts figures painted blue

34
00:02:03,284 --> 00:02:05,652
With plastic forehead extensions...

35
00:02:06,953 --> 00:02:10,088
As beings from another planet.

36
00:02:10,089 --> 00:02:11,621
I think we may readily dismiss him

37
00:02:11,622 --> 00:02:13,557
As an authority on anything.

38
00:02:16,626 --> 00:02:18,259
Oh! Oh my god.

39
00:02:18,260 --> 00:02:20,260
Hi, Maggie. You look great.

40
00:02:20,261 --> 00:02:23,629
I'm really looking forward to
spending the night with you.

41
00:02:23,630 --> 00:02:25,298
No, no, I mean,

42
00:02:25,299 --> 00:02:27,066
We'll be on the job together all night.

43
00:02:28,901 --> 00:02:30,702
I know why you like night shifts, Kevin.

44
00:02:30,703 --> 00:02:34,104
- Oh my. - It's probably the only
time you get to stay out late.

45
00:02:38,874 --> 00:02:41,842
- ( slurring, shouting )
- Next!

46
00:02:47,646 --> 00:02:49,379
All right, Goody, what's all this?

47
00:02:49,380 --> 00:02:52,015
Another promising contender
for the regional heats

48
00:02:52,016 --> 00:02:54,416
Of young delinquent of the year?

49
00:02:54,417 --> 00:02:57,384
- What have you been up to, sonny?
- I ain't been up to nothing.

50
00:02:57,385 --> 00:03:00,386
In which case, you must've
been up to something.

51
00:03:00,387 --> 00:03:04,156
You'll find the english language serves
you far better if you use it properly.

52
00:03:05,158 --> 00:03:06,858
So what's he been up to?

53
00:03:06,859 --> 00:03:09,159
Taking without consent,
guv. Hit a lamppost.

54
00:03:09,160 --> 00:03:11,660
Don't call me "guv," laddie.

55
00:03:11,661 --> 00:03:13,395
It's a short step from saying "guv"

56
00:03:13,396 --> 00:03:15,731
To using cockney rhyming
slang, and I won't have it.

57
00:03:15,732 --> 00:03:16,764
Sorry, chief.

58
00:03:19,834 --> 00:03:22,001
If you're even thinking
about being sick on my desk,

59
00:03:22,002 --> 00:03:24,737
First think about removing this
truncheon from your earhole.

60
00:03:28,973 --> 00:03:30,573
Has the doctor been called?

61
00:03:30,574 --> 00:03:32,608
On his way, guv-
chief- boss- sir.

62
00:03:34,276 --> 00:03:35,676
I've called inspector Grim, sir.

63
00:03:35,677 --> 00:03:37,845
He asked to be informed if
we picked up any joyriders.

64
00:03:37,846 --> 00:03:41,114
"joyrider" is not a term I will
allow in my station, constable.

65
00:03:41,115 --> 00:03:44,382
This young lout was involved in
potentially murderous delinquency.

66
00:03:44,383 --> 00:03:48,051
- I'm sorry, I was only saying- - I know
what you were "only saying," constable.

67
00:03:48,052 --> 00:03:49,518
But it's not good enough.

68
00:03:49,519 --> 00:03:52,154
Crime is crime and
should not be trivialized.

69
00:03:52,155 --> 00:03:54,956
What next? Are we to refer
to grievous bodily harm

70
00:03:54,957 --> 00:03:56,257
As "fun punching"?

71
00:03:58,926 --> 00:04:02,794
Assault with a deadly weapon
as "a laugh and a stab"?

72
00:04:02,795 --> 00:04:03,828
Occupation?

73
00:04:03,829 --> 00:04:06,864
Ducking, diving, dodging, weaving.

74
00:04:06,865 --> 00:04:09,999
So I'll just put total prat, shall I?

75
00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:12,333
All right, Nigel Mansell,
empty out your pockets.

76
00:04:12,334 --> 00:04:14,068
You ain't got no right to search me.

77
00:04:14,069 --> 00:04:15,870
Now there you are wrong.

78
00:04:15,871 --> 00:04:17,603
I have every right to search you.

79
00:04:17,604 --> 00:04:19,805
Indeed, if I suspect
you of possessing drugs,

80
00:04:19,806 --> 00:04:23,540
I am entitled to conduct
an internal body search...

81
00:04:23,541 --> 00:04:27,709
Involving a rubber
glove and a large spoon.

82
00:04:27,710 --> 00:04:30,045
Would you like me to suspect
you of possessing drugs?

83
00:04:32,915 --> 00:04:35,548
So one ballpoint pen, blue.

84
00:04:35,549 --> 00:04:37,349
One contraceptive device-

85
00:04:37,350 --> 00:04:39,284
Aniseed flavored,

86
00:04:39,285 --> 00:04:43,687
Two tickets to a rave. Hardly a
professional's car pinching kit.

87
00:04:43,688 --> 00:04:46,689
I fear inspector Grim will
find slim pickings here.

88
00:04:46,690 --> 00:04:48,957
I can't take anymore!

89
00:04:48,958 --> 00:04:50,658
I'll do for someone, I swear!

90
00:04:50,659 --> 00:04:52,493
You're all dead!

91
00:04:52,494 --> 00:04:54,094
Yes, sir, can I help?

92
00:04:55,096 --> 00:04:57,997
Smack. Gotta have smack.

93
00:04:57,998 --> 00:05:01,564
Certainly. Goody, the
gentleman wants a smack.

94
00:05:02,767 --> 00:05:04,700
Two, four, six, eight,
bog in, don't wait!

95
00:05:07,369 --> 00:05:09,370
Habib, handcuffs please.

96
00:05:12,540 --> 00:05:14,107
Constable Goody, are you chewing?

97
00:05:15,708 --> 00:05:17,709
No.

98
00:05:17,710 --> 00:05:20,011
I'm going to ask you that
question again, Goody.

99
00:05:20,012 --> 00:05:22,545
Before I do so, I want you
to consider the consequences

100
00:05:22,546 --> 00:05:25,848
Of deliberately lying to a
superior officer whilst on duty.

101
00:05:25,849 --> 00:05:27,748
Those consequences include dismissal,

102
00:05:27,749 --> 00:05:30,717
Loss of pension, ostracism
within the community,

103
00:05:30,718 --> 00:05:32,985
And in all probability
a lifelong dependency

104
00:05:32,986 --> 00:05:35,254
On prescription antidepressants.

105
00:05:35,255 --> 00:05:37,355
Now let's try again.
Are you chewing, laddie?

106
00:05:37,356 --> 00:05:39,990
Yes, I am, sir. Helps me think.

107
00:05:39,991 --> 00:05:42,125
I can't say I'd noticed.

108
00:05:42,126 --> 00:05:44,193
He's cuffed, sir.

109
00:05:44,194 --> 00:05:46,494
All right, Habib, well done.

110
00:05:46,495 --> 00:05:47,661
Take the man down.

111
00:05:47,662 --> 00:05:50,964
Cold showers, exercise
and regular roughage

112
00:05:50,965 --> 00:05:52,564
Help a man think, Goody,

113
00:05:52,565 --> 00:05:55,599
Not Wrigley's juicy fruit.

114
00:05:55,600 --> 00:05:58,435
I'll not have my officers going
about the place like louts.

115
00:05:58,436 --> 00:06:00,704
What do you think we
have plainclothesmen for?

116
00:06:01,705 --> 00:06:02,738
Now swallow it.

117
00:06:04,506 --> 00:06:06,207
Oh, what a night.

118
00:06:06,208 --> 00:06:07,908
Let me tell you,

119
00:06:07,909 --> 00:06:10,409
I shall be glad when we're
tucked up in bed together.

120
00:06:10,410 --> 00:06:12,645
- Really, Raymond?
- Oh yes, certainly.

121
00:06:12,646 --> 00:06:15,179
For I shall be out like a light.

122
00:06:16,982 --> 00:06:18,949
I expect you will too.

123
00:06:18,950 --> 00:06:20,483
Mm-hmm.

124
00:06:20,484 --> 00:06:22,918
But sometimes before we go to sleep

125
00:06:22,919 --> 00:06:25,520
Wouldn't it be nice
to share a moment of...

126
00:06:25,521 --> 00:06:26,687
Excitement together?

127
00:06:26,688 --> 00:06:29,789
Hmm, by all means, darling.

128
00:06:29,790 --> 00:06:31,423
I tell you what I could do...

129
00:06:31,424 --> 00:06:34,992
I could read you another chapter
of "king Solomon's mines."

130
00:06:36,728 --> 00:06:38,695
( gagging )

131
00:06:40,430 --> 00:06:42,631
Constable Goody, have you run mad?

132
00:06:43,799 --> 00:06:45,266
What's the matter, boy?

133
00:06:45,267 --> 00:06:46,800
I think he's choking, inspector.

134
00:06:46,801 --> 00:06:48,802
It's that bubblegum
you made him swallow.

135
00:06:48,803 --> 00:06:51,737
- Bend over, Kevin. Head below your chest.
- Well done, Habib.

136
00:06:53,639 --> 00:06:56,073
- ( gagging ) - Great heavens,
what's the man swallowed,

137
00:06:56,074 --> 00:06:57,440
A bubblegum-flavored elephant?

138
00:06:58,441 --> 00:06:59,876
Get him up. Give him to me.

139
00:06:59,877 --> 00:07:02,577
Look, now fists clenched, thumb inward

140
00:07:02,578 --> 00:07:04,178
Between navel and breastbone,

141
00:07:04,179 --> 00:07:05,980
Other hand on fist, pull up sharply

142
00:07:05,981 --> 00:07:08,281
To force the upper abdomen
against the lower lungs,

143
00:07:08,282 --> 00:07:11,150
Thus driving out the remaining air.

144
00:07:12,718 --> 00:07:14,785
Go on, sir, force it up!

145
00:07:14,786 --> 00:07:17,154
I'm trying to force it up!

146
00:07:21,157 --> 00:07:22,691
( coughs )

147
00:07:24,425 --> 00:07:26,125
What's this then, Fowler?

148
00:07:26,126 --> 00:07:29,161
Some bizarre uniform
branch initiation rite?

149
00:07:29,162 --> 00:07:31,662
Thank you, sir.

150
00:07:32,998 --> 00:07:35,364
Sorry to spoil your fun, Raymond.

151
00:07:35,365 --> 00:07:37,233
Carry on, constable.

152
00:07:39,468 --> 00:07:41,736
Police work
- remember it?

153
00:07:41,737 --> 00:07:43,036
Where's this car thief?

154
00:07:43,037 --> 00:07:45,072
Not necessarily a thief, Derek.

155
00:07:45,073 --> 00:07:47,039
In this country, a person is innocent

156
00:07:47,040 --> 00:07:49,207
Until a judge or jury
find them otherwise.

157
00:07:49,208 --> 00:07:52,275
And god, don't we hate
all that fannying about!

158
00:07:53,745 --> 00:07:55,244
Why don't they change it round?

159
00:07:55,245 --> 00:07:58,346
Presume everybody in the
country is guilty of something-

160
00:07:58,347 --> 00:07:59,748
Which most of them are-

161
00:07:59,749 --> 00:08:01,749
And lock 'em up.

162
00:08:01,750 --> 00:08:03,883
What, the entire population?

163
00:08:03,884 --> 00:08:06,518
Certainly the entire population.

164
00:08:06,519 --> 00:08:10,021
And anyone who can, to the
satisfaction of a senior judge,

165
00:08:10,022 --> 00:08:11,888
Prove themselves to be wholly

166
00:08:11,889 --> 00:08:14,590
And fundamentally
innocent would be released.

167
00:08:14,591 --> 00:08:17,225
There'd be a bit less fannying
about then, wouldn't there?

168
00:08:17,226 --> 00:08:20,160
Here we have proof of reincarnation-

169
00:08:20,161 --> 00:08:23,696
Stalin has come back
as an english detective.

170
00:08:23,697 --> 00:08:27,099
I do not advocate a
police state, Fowler.

171
00:08:27,100 --> 00:08:28,733
No, you just want to see everyone live

172
00:08:28,734 --> 00:08:30,067
In abject fear of authority.

173
00:08:30,068 --> 00:08:32,401
Well, it would be nice.

174
00:08:33,403 --> 00:08:35,270
Now then, where's this young lout?

175
00:08:35,271 --> 00:08:37,404
He's with the doctor. His head is cut.

176
00:08:37,405 --> 00:08:40,640
Diddums. Get him out here.
I haven't got all night.

177
00:08:40,641 --> 00:08:42,742
I've got a wife and kids to go home to.

178
00:08:42,743 --> 00:08:45,476
Until the doctor is satisfied,
nobody is seeing him.

179
00:08:45,477 --> 00:08:47,411
Obstructing C.I.D.

180
00:08:47,412 --> 00:08:49,646
In the course of an
investigation, Fowler?

181
00:08:49,647 --> 00:08:51,580
That's a very serious offense that.

182
00:08:51,581 --> 00:08:53,216
I've half a mind to charge you.

183
00:08:53,217 --> 00:08:56,384
You have half a mind full stop.

184
00:08:57,652 --> 00:08:59,220
Endangering the life of a suspect

185
00:08:59,221 --> 00:09:00,854
By denying him proper medical care

186
00:09:00,855 --> 00:09:03,055
- Is also a serious offense.
- Right.

187
00:09:03,056 --> 00:09:06,390
You can mollycoddle the scum
of the streets if you want,

188
00:09:06,391 --> 00:09:08,558
I need my kip.

189
00:09:08,559 --> 00:09:11,060
I've got a lot of
important meetings tomorrow.

190
00:09:11,061 --> 00:09:14,495
- Good night.
- Important meetings.

191
00:09:14,496 --> 00:09:17,798
Huh, where's he think
he's going, Scotland Yard?

192
00:09:17,799 --> 00:09:19,265
I doubt it.

193
00:09:19,266 --> 00:09:22,001
I shall certainly be glad
to get out of here tonight.

194
00:09:22,002 --> 00:09:23,568
( sighs ) Oh god, a bit of peace-

195
00:09:23,569 --> 00:09:25,702
No noise, no distractions,

196
00:09:25,703 --> 00:09:27,304
No revolting kids.

197
00:09:27,305 --> 00:09:29,973
Hmm, yes, absolutely.

198
00:09:29,974 --> 00:09:31,673
Lovely.

199
00:09:31,674 --> 00:09:33,507
No revolting kids at all...

200
00:09:33,508 --> 00:09:36,110
Except Bill.

201
00:09:36,111 --> 00:09:37,677
What?

202
00:09:37,678 --> 00:09:39,178
Oh, didn't I tell you?

203
00:09:39,179 --> 00:09:42,513
My son Bill's coming
to stay for a few weeks.

204
00:09:42,514 --> 00:09:44,348
His mother's sick of him.

205
00:09:46,651 --> 00:09:48,284
That's nice, isn't it?

206
00:09:55,724 --> 00:09:57,790
I bought a new nightie today, Raymond.

207
00:09:57,791 --> 00:10:00,191
Mm-hmm.

208
00:10:01,926 --> 00:10:03,060
I couldn't resist it.

209
00:10:03,061 --> 00:10:05,595
It's so... Silky.

210
00:10:05,596 --> 00:10:08,831
It's called "satin passion."

211
00:10:08,832 --> 00:10:10,465
Really?

212
00:10:11,600 --> 00:10:12,900
I know it's extravagant,

213
00:10:12,901 --> 00:10:15,535
But it was in the sale.

214
00:10:15,536 --> 00:10:18,136
- £60.
- What?!

215
00:10:19,538 --> 00:10:21,305
Take it off. Take it off right now!

216
00:10:21,306 --> 00:10:23,407
- Do you really want me to?
- I most certainly do.

217
00:10:23,408 --> 00:10:25,074
That's going straight back to the shop.

218
00:10:26,343 --> 00:10:29,478
£60? But there's hardly anything to it.

219
00:10:29,479 --> 00:10:33,145
Really, if you're going to spend
that kind of money on a garment,

220
00:10:33,146 --> 00:10:36,582
You might at least purchase
something functional.

221
00:10:36,583 --> 00:10:38,783
Running round in that
you'll catch your death.

222
00:10:38,784 --> 00:10:42,853
I suggest you change it
for something knee-length...

223
00:10:42,854 --> 00:10:44,854
In flannelette.

224
00:10:47,256 --> 00:10:48,923
Thought you might like it.

225
00:10:48,924 --> 00:10:50,758
Thought it might turn you on.

226
00:10:52,693 --> 00:10:55,395
Patricia, I think you've
known me long enough to realize

227
00:10:55,396 --> 00:10:57,662
That a reckless disregard
for the value of money

228
00:10:57,663 --> 00:10:59,430
Is scarcely likely to excite me.

229
00:10:59,431 --> 00:11:03,800
I'm all for the occasional rash
and exuberant gesture of frivolity,

230
00:11:03,801 --> 00:11:07,568
But £60 for a whisp of
chiffon and a shoelace

231
00:11:07,569 --> 00:11:09,803
Is palpably absurd.

232
00:11:09,804 --> 00:11:12,205
Now if you'll excuse me,
I will return to my book.

233
00:11:12,206 --> 00:11:14,339
Oh, Raymond!

234
00:11:14,340 --> 00:11:16,974
I feel like a dried up old prune!

235
00:11:16,975 --> 00:11:18,842
Now there's a thought, Patricia.

236
00:11:18,843 --> 00:11:21,377
Delicious and very good for the bowel.

237
00:11:21,378 --> 00:11:24,713
I'll have one if
you're going downstairs.

238
00:11:24,714 --> 00:11:28,282
Raymond, you're not listening to me.

239
00:11:29,983 --> 00:11:32,518
We are not the first and
we won't be the last couple

240
00:11:32,519 --> 00:11:34,185
To have problems with our sex life.

241
00:11:34,186 --> 00:11:37,087
- We do not have problems.
- We do not have a sex life!

242
00:11:37,088 --> 00:11:40,590
In which case I really don't see
how there can be a problem with it.

243
00:11:40,591 --> 00:11:42,825
Really, Patricia,
you're not making sense.

244
00:11:42,826 --> 00:11:44,659
You can't just ignore it, Raymond.

245
00:11:44,660 --> 00:11:47,861
I want us to see a sex therapist.

246
00:11:47,862 --> 00:11:49,662
Oh please, not that again.

247
00:11:49,663 --> 00:11:52,631
- We need help.
- We do not.

248
00:11:52,632 --> 00:11:55,633
I'm quite capable of...

249
00:11:55,634 --> 00:11:57,334
Satisfying the woman I love

250
00:11:57,335 --> 00:11:59,569
Without instructions
from a total stranger

251
00:11:59,570 --> 00:12:01,770
Sitting on a beanbag.

252
00:12:01,771 --> 00:12:04,171
Then let's do it!

253
00:12:04,172 --> 00:12:07,874
I want seeing to! I want servicing!

254
00:12:09,643 --> 00:12:11,677
I want to be ravished right now,

255
00:12:11,678 --> 00:12:14,145
With the lights on and your socks off!

256
00:12:16,213 --> 00:12:18,347
If you love me, show me you love me.

257
00:12:18,348 --> 00:12:20,782
You used to. What's changed?

258
00:12:20,783 --> 00:12:23,751
Nothing's changed. Look, I-

259
00:12:27,588 --> 00:12:29,588
Look, I can't, Patricia.

260
00:12:29,589 --> 00:12:32,924
Not now, not with my boy in the house.

261
00:12:32,925 --> 00:12:35,325
I mean, if he were to hear us, you know?

262
00:12:35,326 --> 00:12:37,226
I just feels strange.

263
00:12:37,227 --> 00:12:39,127
That's a pathetic excuse.

264
00:12:39,128 --> 00:12:40,695
It's not!

265
00:12:40,696 --> 00:12:43,130
We can only hope to curb
the excesses of youth

266
00:12:43,131 --> 00:12:44,698
If we lead by example

267
00:12:44,699 --> 00:12:46,599
And show some self-restraint ourselves.

268
00:12:46,600 --> 00:12:49,501
There's nothing wrong with nooky!

269
00:12:49,502 --> 00:12:51,202
Shh! Please, please, please.

270
00:12:51,203 --> 00:12:53,904
He's still very young
and impressionable.

271
00:12:53,905 --> 00:12:56,739
Not much older than that
lad we've got at the station.

272
00:12:56,740 --> 00:12:58,841
He could end up going the same way.

273
00:12:58,842 --> 00:13:01,241
I wonder what Bill gets up to at night.

274
00:13:01,242 --> 00:13:04,711
Considerably more than
we do, I should imagine.

275
00:13:04,712 --> 00:13:06,612
I'll see you in the morning.

276
00:13:27,260 --> 00:13:28,859
Do you want an egg on that?

277
00:13:28,860 --> 00:13:31,328
Yes, thank you, Patricia,
that'd be very nice.

278
00:13:42,270 --> 00:13:44,804
Yes, well, I like a runny yolk.

279
00:13:47,607 --> 00:13:49,307
Ah, good morning, Bill.

280
00:13:49,308 --> 00:13:52,442
Patricia and I were just saying
how nice it is to have you home.

281
00:13:53,577 --> 00:13:54,943
Oh.

282
00:13:56,579 --> 00:13:58,579
You're having a friend to stay, are you?

283
00:13:58,580 --> 00:14:00,414
Yeah. Is there a problem?

284
00:14:00,415 --> 00:14:02,382
No, no, no, that's lovely.

285
00:14:02,383 --> 00:14:06,651
You made up the bed in
the spare room, did you?

286
00:14:06,652 --> 00:14:09,853
You found the sheets all right?
Top shelf, the airing cupboard.

287
00:14:09,854 --> 00:14:12,922
Yeah, sure dad. Spare bed, right. Yeah.

288
00:14:14,990 --> 00:14:17,425
Hmm, well. Well, come on, Bill.

289
00:14:17,426 --> 00:14:19,126
You're not being much of a host,

290
00:14:19,127 --> 00:14:21,894
Leaving your friend standing around
like that. Get her some toast.

291
00:14:21,895 --> 00:14:25,363
We can all sit down and
have a nice family breakfast.

292
00:14:25,364 --> 00:14:27,097
No, thanks.

293
00:14:30,134 --> 00:14:32,735
Well, I'm glad we abstained
from sex on his behalf.

294
00:14:32,736 --> 00:14:34,836
Oh, come on, now, Patricia,

295
00:14:34,837 --> 00:14:36,438
Don't jump to conclusions.

296
00:14:36,439 --> 00:14:38,171
She's just a pal.

297
00:14:38,172 --> 00:14:41,607
I don't suppose anything
more intimate than that.

298
00:14:41,608 --> 00:14:45,242
They've probably just gone
upstairs to revise for exams.

299
00:14:45,243 --> 00:14:47,511
( squeaking )

300
00:14:48,546 --> 00:14:50,347
Practical biology, do you think?

301
00:14:55,784 --> 00:14:57,283
Morning, everyone. Carry on.

302
00:14:57,284 --> 00:14:59,885
We've still got that young
lad in for "twocking."

303
00:14:59,886 --> 00:15:01,953
Two - "twocking,"
constable Habib?

304
00:15:01,954 --> 00:15:03,555
"twocking"? What do you mean?

305
00:15:03,556 --> 00:15:06,423
I mean taking without
consent, inspector. As in cars.

306
00:15:06,424 --> 00:15:08,157
Then say so, constable.

307
00:15:08,158 --> 00:15:11,259
A criminal charge leaves
no room for ambiguity.

308
00:15:11,260 --> 00:15:14,194
Start dropping bits willy-nilly
and where will it end?

309
00:15:14,195 --> 00:15:16,596
We might arrest a fellow for burglary,

310
00:15:16,597 --> 00:15:19,064
Drop a couple of letters to save time,

311
00:15:19,065 --> 00:15:21,266
And end up charging him for buggery.

312
00:15:22,868 --> 00:15:25,435
Sir, another petition
from Lavendar close

313
00:15:25,436 --> 00:15:27,337
About the loud sex noises.

314
00:15:27,338 --> 00:15:29,572
Ah, the noisy nympho at number nine.

315
00:15:29,573 --> 00:15:32,440
Great balls of steaming ooojah.

316
00:15:32,441 --> 00:15:34,207
Is that woman still at it?

317
00:15:34,208 --> 00:15:35,642
I suppose we better bring her in.

318
00:15:35,643 --> 00:15:38,578
No good asking her to
come quietly, I suppose.

319
00:15:41,481 --> 00:15:44,415
There is a place for smutty
innuendo, constable Kray.

320
00:15:44,416 --> 00:15:47,216
That place is on "birds of a feather."

321
00:15:48,651 --> 00:15:51,452
Gladstone, I suppose you
better bring the foul woman in.

322
00:15:51,453 --> 00:15:53,620
She'll be abusive, sir. She always is.

323
00:15:53,621 --> 00:15:56,989
Then arrest her. Put the handcuffs
on her, that might make her think.

324
00:15:56,990 --> 00:15:59,424
I'll tell you what, Frank,
stick 'em on her ankles.

325
00:15:59,425 --> 00:16:01,558
That'll solve the whole thing.

326
00:16:03,127 --> 00:16:05,227
What are we gonna do about
this lad in the cells?

327
00:16:05,228 --> 00:16:07,596
He's been charged, and
we can't hold him forever.

328
00:16:07,597 --> 00:16:09,963
Detective constable
Kray, does inspector Grim

329
00:16:09,964 --> 00:16:12,332
Still want to interview
this car thief we're holding?

330
00:16:12,333 --> 00:16:14,967
He's at Scotland Yard, sir.

331
00:16:14,968 --> 00:16:16,902
This is a nationwide operation.

332
00:16:16,903 --> 00:16:19,737
Everything's bigger in C.I.D., isn't it?

333
00:16:20,873 --> 00:16:22,205
Scotland Yard, eh?

334
00:16:22,206 --> 00:16:26,575
Huh, I've only ever been
to Scotland Yard once.

335
00:16:26,576 --> 00:16:30,110
One of the best school
trips we ever went on.

336
00:16:31,613 --> 00:16:33,579
Nationwide operation, eh?

337
00:16:33,580 --> 00:16:35,881
Blimey.

338
00:16:35,882 --> 00:16:38,649
Perhaps I'd better go and
have a chat with the lad.

339
00:16:44,721 --> 00:16:47,988
All right, Goody, you've spoken
with the boy, studied him,

340
00:16:47,989 --> 00:16:50,857
No doubt constructed a
detailed psychological profile.

341
00:16:50,858 --> 00:16:53,759
- Have you drawn any conclusions?
- Yes, I have, sir.

342
00:16:53,760 --> 00:16:55,627
Good, and what are they?

343
00:16:55,628 --> 00:16:57,361
He's a right little scumbag.

344
00:16:59,230 --> 00:17:02,398
The fact, Goody, that you possess
a G.C.S.E. in english language

345
00:17:02,399 --> 00:17:04,399
Casts a dark shadow of doubt

346
00:17:04,400 --> 00:17:07,234
Across the entire british
educational system.

347
00:17:07,235 --> 00:17:08,869
And who is he?

348
00:17:08,870 --> 00:17:10,570
He won't give us his name.

349
00:17:10,571 --> 00:17:12,304
He says he never sees his family,

350
00:17:12,305 --> 00:17:13,839
Says his father left home.

351
00:17:13,840 --> 00:17:16,340
Lives where he likes,
does what he chooses.

352
00:17:16,341 --> 00:17:18,007
Sad, isn't it,

353
00:17:18,008 --> 00:17:21,343
When fathers desert their
responsibilities and break families up?

354
00:17:22,712 --> 00:17:24,078
Yes.

355
00:17:24,079 --> 00:17:25,580
Yes, I suppose it is.

356
00:17:25,581 --> 00:17:27,548
Young blokes get
married without thinking,

357
00:17:27,549 --> 00:17:30,049
Get some poor bird up
the duff and naff off.

358
00:17:32,084 --> 00:17:34,052
It's really terrible.

359
00:17:35,520 --> 00:17:38,187
How is your ex-wife, sir...

360
00:17:40,290 --> 00:17:41,423
And your son?

361
00:17:41,424 --> 00:17:43,991
Well enough, thank you, Goody,

362
00:17:43,992 --> 00:17:47,694
Considering the overwhelming social
burdens that I place upon them.

363
00:17:49,195 --> 00:17:51,229
All right, laddie,
don't play games with us,

364
00:17:51,230 --> 00:17:54,666
Or we can make life pretty
difficult for you if you do.

365
00:17:54,667 --> 00:17:56,733
- Now give me your name.
- Ivor.

366
00:17:56,734 --> 00:17:58,534
You see, Goody,

367
00:17:58,535 --> 00:18:01,369
The firm authoritative
approach normally bears results.

368
00:18:01,370 --> 00:18:04,171
All right, Ivor, what's your surname?

369
00:18:04,172 --> 00:18:07,841
- Biggin.
- Biggin. Good.

370
00:18:07,842 --> 00:18:12,743
Constable, kindly note, "ivor biggin."

371
00:18:19,415 --> 00:18:21,048
Oh, I see...

372
00:18:21,049 --> 00:18:24,217
A comedian.

373
00:18:24,218 --> 00:18:27,386
Yes, sir, he's already named
his two scottish associates-

374
00:18:27,387 --> 00:18:30,054
"ben doon" and "phil mccavity."

375
00:18:32,190 --> 00:18:34,390
It's come to a funny state of affairs

376
00:18:34,391 --> 00:18:36,793
When a woman can't have a bit of rumpo

377
00:18:36,794 --> 00:18:39,294
In the privacy of her own bedroom.

378
00:18:41,563 --> 00:18:44,865
It's having it in your back garden
that people are objecting to.

379
00:18:44,866 --> 00:18:46,665
We done it in the shed.

380
00:18:46,666 --> 00:18:48,367
The shed collapsed.

381
00:18:49,835 --> 00:18:53,069
In fact, sheds collapsed like
dominoes all along divinity road.

382
00:18:53,070 --> 00:18:56,405
Mr. Jones from number 36 phoned us.

383
00:18:56,406 --> 00:18:59,608
He claimed his compost heap
was bouncing round the lawn.

384
00:18:59,609 --> 00:19:01,241
Look, sergeant,

385
00:19:01,242 --> 00:19:04,644
You're a woman, you know
about a woman's needs.

386
00:19:04,645 --> 00:19:08,613
When a woman needs love
she's got to have it.

387
00:19:08,614 --> 00:19:11,414
Otherwise she's just
a dried up old prune.

388
00:19:13,484 --> 00:19:15,918
It doesn't strike me that
banging away in the potting shed

389
00:19:15,919 --> 00:19:18,352
Screaming, "do it to me, big
boy," at the top of your voice

390
00:19:18,353 --> 00:19:19,453
Has much to do with love.

391
00:19:19,454 --> 00:19:21,822
I love it.

392
00:19:21,823 --> 00:19:24,189
I love sucking the middle
bits out of walnut whips

393
00:19:24,190 --> 00:19:27,458
But that doesn't mean I have the right
to make everybody listen to me do it!

394
00:19:27,459 --> 00:19:29,493
Take her away and charge her.

395
00:19:29,494 --> 00:19:30,728
( sighs )

396
00:19:32,530 --> 00:19:33,596
Cup of tea, Pat?

397
00:19:33,597 --> 00:19:34,796
You all right?

398
00:19:34,797 --> 00:19:36,231
You look a bit down.

399
00:19:36,232 --> 00:19:39,033
Don't be silly, Maggie.
I'm just a dowdy old drab

400
00:19:39,034 --> 00:19:40,734
With the sex appeal of a toilet brush.

401
00:19:40,735 --> 00:19:42,068
Why on earth would I feel down?

402
00:19:42,069 --> 00:19:43,669
Sergeant Dawkins,

403
00:19:43,670 --> 00:19:47,639
I'm back from Scotland Yard.
Were there any messages for me

404
00:19:47,640 --> 00:19:49,172
While I was at Scotland Yard?

405
00:19:49,173 --> 00:19:53,009
- No, inspector Grim.
- Good. Good, good.

406
00:19:54,944 --> 00:19:57,945
So no messages from Scotland Yard then?

407
00:19:57,946 --> 00:19:59,646
It's just I've been at Scotland Yard,

408
00:19:59,647 --> 00:20:01,648
I thought there might be a message.

409
00:20:01,649 --> 00:20:03,415
Good.

410
00:20:05,584 --> 00:20:07,752
Ah, inspector Grim.

411
00:20:07,753 --> 00:20:10,919
Yes, I've been to Scotland Yard.

412
00:20:10,920 --> 00:20:13,054
The yard
- it's not such a big deal.

413
00:20:13,055 --> 00:20:15,122
I wish people wouldn't
keep going on about it.

414
00:20:16,691 --> 00:20:20,760
This business of yobbos
nicking cars for major villains,

415
00:20:20,761 --> 00:20:24,161
Big worry for the boys at scotters.

416
00:20:26,330 --> 00:20:29,766
That's why they sent
for Grim of Gasforth.

417
00:20:29,767 --> 00:20:32,166
Yes, well, we're still
holding one of the hooligans.

418
00:20:32,167 --> 00:20:34,234
- Perhaps you'd like
to- - all in good time.

419
00:20:34,235 --> 00:20:36,036
After I've had my lunch, Fowler.

420
00:20:36,037 --> 00:20:38,805
Kray, did you book somewhere nice?

421
00:20:38,806 --> 00:20:42,072
Of course I did, sir. A pizza...

422
00:20:42,073 --> 00:20:43,841
Ah, thank you constable Habib.

423
00:20:43,842 --> 00:20:46,276
No chockie hobnobs?

424
00:20:46,277 --> 00:20:48,878
I'm afraid not, sir. Only rich tea.

425
00:20:48,879 --> 00:20:51,446
Well, perhaps that's as it should be.

426
00:20:51,447 --> 00:20:55,416
Perhaps a man who has
failed in his duty to society

427
00:20:55,417 --> 00:20:57,817
Doesn't deserve his choice of biccy.

428
00:20:57,818 --> 00:21:01,386
- How's that, sir? - That lad we're
holding in the interview room.

429
00:21:01,387 --> 00:21:05,087
Arrogant, rude, opinionated, unpleasant.

430
00:21:05,088 --> 00:21:07,623
( laughs ) He could be my own son.

431
00:21:07,624 --> 00:21:10,025
- You think so, sir?
- Yes, I do.

432
00:21:10,026 --> 00:21:12,393
Tomorrow perhaps, it will be my boy.

433
00:21:12,394 --> 00:21:16,295
The lad we've collared comes from
a broken home just like my lad.

434
00:21:16,296 --> 00:21:18,597
Broken home? That's a
terrible thing to say, sir.

435
00:21:18,598 --> 00:21:20,364
Lots of couples split up.

436
00:21:20,365 --> 00:21:23,066
It doesn't mean their kids are
going to turn out to be louts.

437
00:21:23,067 --> 00:21:25,601
Oh, true, true.

438
00:21:25,602 --> 00:21:29,037
I suppose the first six
children in line to the throne

439
00:21:29,038 --> 00:21:30,471
Come from broken homes.

440
00:21:30,472 --> 00:21:32,573
That's right, sir. Can't
see much chance of us

441
00:21:32,574 --> 00:21:34,808
Pulling William and Harry for twock-

442
00:21:34,809 --> 00:21:36,975
Taking without consent.

443
00:21:36,976 --> 00:21:39,510
Thank you, constable Habib.

444
00:21:39,511 --> 00:21:42,278
You have a wise head on
those young shoulders.

445
00:21:42,279 --> 00:21:45,448
I'd like to say something else
if that's all right, inspector.

446
00:21:45,449 --> 00:21:47,014
Very well, constable, what is it?

447
00:21:47,015 --> 00:21:48,983
It's none of my business,

448
00:21:48,984 --> 00:21:52,085
But I think you might worry a bit
less about your old relationships

449
00:21:52,086 --> 00:21:53,686
And a bit more about your current one.

450
00:21:55,088 --> 00:21:56,688
Sergeant Dawkins, you mean.

451
00:21:56,689 --> 00:21:59,056
I know it's not my
place to interfere, sir,

452
00:21:59,057 --> 00:22:01,524
But she does seem very low.

453
00:22:01,525 --> 00:22:03,326
Hmm. Hmm.

454
00:22:03,327 --> 00:22:05,494
Yes, well, perhaps you're right.

455
00:22:05,495 --> 00:22:08,896
Thank you for bringing this
matter to my attention, constable.

456
00:22:08,897 --> 00:22:11,397
I will act on information received.

457
00:22:16,368 --> 00:22:18,936
Sorry about trying to kill
you last night, inspector.

458
00:22:18,937 --> 00:22:20,871
I didn't mean no harm by it.

459
00:22:20,872 --> 00:22:24,005
Contrition is the first
step to rehabilitation.

460
00:22:24,006 --> 00:22:26,541
What you have to do now
is smarten yourself up.

461
00:22:26,542 --> 00:22:28,876
Think positively, exercise,

462
00:22:28,877 --> 00:22:30,543
Fresh air, plenty of roughage.

463
00:22:30,544 --> 00:22:33,946
And stop taking heroin.

464
00:22:35,881 --> 00:22:39,382
I think that has to be very
much a factor in the new you.

465
00:22:39,383 --> 00:22:40,517
Good luck in court.

466
00:22:45,287 --> 00:22:47,053
- Patricia?
- Yes.

467
00:22:47,054 --> 00:22:50,723
I would rather drink from
the bladder of a baboon

468
00:22:50,724 --> 00:22:53,291
Than say what I am about to say.

469
00:22:53,292 --> 00:22:56,627
However, I have decided
that it is unfair of me

470
00:22:56,628 --> 00:22:58,561
To ignore your frustrations any longer.

471
00:22:58,562 --> 00:23:00,729
I have been selfish.

472
00:23:00,730 --> 00:23:02,731
People have to work at relationships.

473
00:23:02,732 --> 00:23:04,198
It's like anything in life-

474
00:23:04,199 --> 00:23:05,933
You get out what you put in.

475
00:23:05,934 --> 00:23:08,602
- Exactly so. - You haven't put
anything in for a long time.

476
00:23:08,603 --> 00:23:10,335
Yes, yes. I'm aware of that.

477
00:23:10,336 --> 00:23:11,837
I'm aware of that.

478
00:23:11,838 --> 00:23:14,838
I've therefore decided
that possibly one day,

479
00:23:14,839 --> 00:23:16,673
As a very last resort,

480
00:23:16,674 --> 00:23:19,475
Once we've tried acupuncture,

481
00:23:19,476 --> 00:23:23,011
Oyster diets and watching
late night channel 4,

482
00:23:23,012 --> 00:23:25,445
That I might possibly consent

483
00:23:25,446 --> 00:23:29,447
To us visiting some
form of a sex therapist.

484
00:23:30,550 --> 00:23:32,249
Thank you, Raymond.

485
00:23:32,250 --> 00:23:34,818
I'll phone and see if she
can see us this lunchtime.

486
00:23:37,287 --> 00:23:40,088
Please, please, please, believe me,

487
00:23:40,089 --> 00:23:43,390
Talking about sex is not embarrassing.

488
00:23:43,391 --> 00:23:45,258
Nipple, flap, bottom,

489
00:23:45,259 --> 00:23:47,159
Hide the sausage-

490
00:23:48,361 --> 00:23:50,896
I'm not remotely embarrassed.

491
00:23:50,897 --> 00:23:53,431
So very much on your own there then.

492
00:23:54,732 --> 00:23:56,766
Last night I did it bent backwards

493
00:23:56,767 --> 00:23:58,934
Over the sitting room pouffe.

494
00:24:01,303 --> 00:24:03,970
Doing something like that
is as normal and ordinary

495
00:24:03,971 --> 00:24:05,472
As saying "good morning."

496
00:24:05,473 --> 00:24:07,773
I don't want to hear about
you bending over backwards.

497
00:24:07,774 --> 00:24:09,407
That's because you're repressed.

498
00:24:09,408 --> 00:24:12,476
No, I just want to keep my dinner down.

499
00:24:12,477 --> 00:24:14,177
Don't be hostile, Raymond.

500
00:24:14,178 --> 00:24:15,711
We agreed to give it a try.

501
00:24:15,712 --> 00:24:18,413
The first principal of sex therapy

502
00:24:18,414 --> 00:24:20,013
Is sex deprivation.

503
00:24:21,015 --> 00:24:23,082
You must agree not to have sex,

504
00:24:23,083 --> 00:24:25,217
To deny each other all physical contact.

505
00:24:25,218 --> 00:24:27,519
Do you think you can do that for me?

506
00:24:27,520 --> 00:24:30,721
Patricia, this woman's costing us £40.

507
00:24:31,956 --> 00:24:32,989
Right.

508
00:24:32,990 --> 00:24:34,924
Now tomorrow I want
you to come in wearing

509
00:24:34,925 --> 00:24:36,325
Only your underwear.

510
00:24:36,326 --> 00:24:38,159
You will sit facing each other

511
00:24:38,160 --> 00:24:40,393
But won't touch each other.

512
00:24:40,394 --> 00:24:43,228
This way the spark of
desire will be rekindled

513
00:24:43,229 --> 00:24:45,564
Through deprivation and denial.

514
00:24:45,565 --> 00:24:47,866
After which, of course,
the licking can start.

515
00:24:49,668 --> 00:24:52,034
Please, don't worry.

516
00:24:52,035 --> 00:24:54,470
In order that no one
should feel embarrassed,

517
00:24:54,471 --> 00:24:56,705
I too will be wearing only underwear.

518
00:24:58,774 --> 00:25:00,273
Of course, by the end of the week

519
00:25:00,274 --> 00:25:02,175
We shall all be completely naked.

520
00:25:02,176 --> 00:25:04,643
Come on, let's not wait.

521
00:25:04,644 --> 00:25:06,143
Let's do it now.

522
00:25:17,752 --> 00:25:20,854
Sir, detective inspector Grim said he
wanted to see you when you got back.

523
00:25:20,855 --> 00:25:22,855
Thank you, constable nipple.

524
00:25:26,925 --> 00:25:31,460
So this young twocker comes
from a broken home, eh?

525
00:25:31,461 --> 00:25:33,661
You're a divorce,

526
00:25:33,662 --> 00:25:35,463
Aren't you, inspector Fowler?

527
00:25:35,464 --> 00:25:37,798
Left your wife alone with a kid,

528
00:25:37,799 --> 00:25:39,032
Did you not?

529
00:25:40,100 --> 00:25:42,034
I'm sorry for you, of course.

530
00:25:42,035 --> 00:25:45,369
As a dedicated family man,
I know what you've missed.

531
00:25:46,404 --> 00:25:47,971
Right then,

532
00:25:47,972 --> 00:25:49,772
Let's have a look at this car thief.

533
00:25:49,773 --> 00:25:52,040
More a delinquent than a thief, I think.

534
00:25:52,041 --> 00:25:55,042
I doubt this lad has the
brains to fence a stolen car.

535
00:25:55,043 --> 00:25:57,043
Allow me to be the
judge of that, Fowler.

536
00:25:57,044 --> 00:26:01,547
As a highly-trained detective
and confidant of scotland yard,

537
00:26:01,548 --> 00:26:04,015
I shall know instantly

538
00:26:04,016 --> 00:26:08,551
Whether this lad is a
malevolent criminal genius

539
00:26:08,552 --> 00:26:11,887
Or the cretinous child
of a brainless swine.

540
00:26:15,624 --> 00:26:18,691
- Darren!
- Hello, dad.

541
00:26:20,493 --> 00:26:23,027
I am not a vindictive man, Patricia,

542
00:26:23,028 --> 00:26:25,562
Which is probably why
I've remained in uniform.

543
00:26:25,563 --> 00:26:29,331
We charged the lad with taking
without consent, of course,

544
00:26:29,332 --> 00:26:32,266
But I have agreed to keep the
matter as quiet as possible.

545
00:26:32,267 --> 00:26:33,567
I don't know why.

546
00:26:33,568 --> 00:26:34,968
Inspector Grim's such a pig.

547
00:26:34,969 --> 00:26:36,502
Why should you do him any favors?

548
00:26:36,503 --> 00:26:38,538
Virtue is its own reward.

549
00:26:38,539 --> 00:26:43,140
In this case, Grim gave me two
tickets to tonight's all-night rave,

550
00:26:43,141 --> 00:26:45,474
Which his son will not now be attending.

551
00:26:45,475 --> 00:26:48,410
I thought perhaps you and
Rhona might like them, Bill.

552
00:26:48,411 --> 00:26:50,978
- No, thanks, dad.
- Oh.

553
00:26:50,979 --> 00:26:52,713
So you're staying in tonight then?

554
00:26:52,714 --> 00:26:57,550
Are you sure you can't be persuaded
to wildly prance off with your pal?

555
00:26:57,551 --> 00:26:59,350
No, I'm going down to the library.

556
00:26:59,351 --> 00:27:02,152
You don't get to university
going to raves, do you?

557
00:27:04,055 --> 00:27:06,822
And it's to prance wildly, dad.
Don't split your infinitives.

558
00:27:08,658 --> 00:27:09,890
Come on, Rhona.

559
00:27:12,661 --> 00:27:14,260
Perhaps I misjudged the boy.

560
00:27:14,261 --> 00:27:17,596
The point is that we are alone.

561
00:27:17,597 --> 00:27:19,163
Yes, Raymond.

562
00:27:19,164 --> 00:27:21,264
And what I should like to propose

563
00:27:21,265 --> 00:27:23,266
Is that we clear away the things,

564
00:27:23,267 --> 00:27:24,600
Do the washing up,

565
00:27:24,601 --> 00:27:27,468
And then perhaps a bit of rumpy.

566
00:27:28,938 --> 00:27:30,904
I'll just have another cup of-

567
00:27:30,905 --> 00:27:32,105
I beg your pardon?

568
00:27:32,106 --> 00:27:35,107
I should like to make
love tonight, Patricia.

569
00:27:35,108 --> 00:27:38,241
And perhaps... Tomorrow morning.

570
00:27:38,242 --> 00:27:40,510
I might even be persuaded

571
00:27:40,511 --> 00:27:43,179
To have a bash at a different position.

572
00:27:43,180 --> 00:27:45,047
This is so sudden, so-

573
00:27:47,049 --> 00:27:48,616
So the sex therapist worked?

574
00:27:48,617 --> 00:27:50,450
Worked? She's a genius.

575
00:27:50,451 --> 00:27:53,786
Because I will do anything,
absolutely anything,

576
00:27:53,787 --> 00:27:57,555
As long as I don't have to
visit that foul woman ever again.

577
00:27:59,023 --> 00:28:01,624
( theme music playing )