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( theme music playing )

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Good afternoon. Carry on.

3
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Sit down, sit down.

4
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Now then, everybody,
I have exciting news,

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Exciting news indeed.

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Gasforth has been
selected to host the next

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Subdistrict regional police conference.

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Yes, I thought you'd be excited.

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When I read the letter this morning,

10
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I nearly had to have another cup of tea.

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We are to have an
opportunity to put our views

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To a deputy assistant undersecretary
of state to the cabinet,

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A man who has the ear of a
man who has the ear of the man

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Who has a foot in the home office.

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You've lost me completely now, sir.

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We are just two ears and a
foot from the home secretary.

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We must not waste this chance

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To place the issues that really count

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Right at the heart of government.

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You're absolutely right, sir.

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Let's ask the old git for a pay raise.

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There are some of us,
constable Habib, who believe

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There is more to policing
than the weekly stipend.

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Like being able to drive through
red lights when you feel like it.

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I beg your pardon?

26
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And really cool riot gear
like they have on robocop.

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And tear gas.

28
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I had to go with that
once, it was brilliant.

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Except you have to check
which way the wind is blowing

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'cause I forgot and it didn't
half sting, went right in my eye.

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Goody.

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Tell 'em we want those long truncheons
they have on "N.Y.P.D. Blue."

33
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Don't be absurd, constable.

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Those telegraph poles that
american officers carry

35
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Are just so much macho posturing.

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The traditional truncheon
is perfectly adequate.

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Personally I've always
felt more than satisfied

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With 14 inches hanging
down inside my trouser leg.

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- Have I said something amusing,
constable Habib? - No, sir.

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Then you will oblige me by wiping
that silly grin off your face.

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Anyway, the subject of the
conference is rather specific.

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We have been asked to
prepare an initiative

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On an aspect of juvenile crime.

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So what do you think it should be?

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Truancy? Taking without consent?

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- The scourge of graffiti?
- I don't see graffiti as a scourge, sir.

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I see it as a new urban art form.

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Have you run mad, constable Habib?

49
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No, I'm serious, sir.
Isn't it just a vibrant

50
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And contemporary form
of youth expression?

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No, it's a bunch of nasty
little yobs scribbling on walls.

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I blame these awful fridge magnets.

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Yes, and for those of
us who are conducting

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This briefing on earth...

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I've seen it at my niece's house.

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Every time her toddler
does a nasty little scribble

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It gets stuck up on the fridge.

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- Yes...
- And everyone has to say how nice it is.

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So young people grow up thinking that

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Their stupid scribblings
are somehow wonderful.

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So they carry on
scribbling, forever searching

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For that warm glow of
appreciation that they used to feel

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When standing round the fridge.

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Yes, and that completes
this week's training session

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For the Gasforth police
synchronized idiots team.

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Perhaps you can return to
the subject of juvenile crime.

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I think the first step is to stop seeing

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These kids as nothing
but criminal thugs, sir.

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And what other
description might one find

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For those who vandalize property,

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Steal cars, and instruct me

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Whenever I venture out in my helmet

73
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To remove the cold tit from my head?

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These kids are bored.
We've got to provide them

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With some meaning in their lives.

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Yes, constable Habib, in fact I
was thinking along similar lines.

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What do you suggest we do to bring
about this sense of moral renewal?

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Well, we need real jobs, decent housing,

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We need long-term investment in
the urban social infrastructure.

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Hmm. Yes, I was thinking
more along the lines

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Of a short camping trip.

82
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A camping trip?

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A bleeding camping trip?

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Blimey!

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Am I to take it that you do not approve

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Of my proposed initiative?

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Yes you may take it, Raymond,

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And you may shove it
up your truncheon pouch.

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Society is collapsing round our ears,

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And baden-powell here calls for
a chorus of ging gang goolies.

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- Ging gang gooly.
- What?

92
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The goolies are singular.

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The song you refer to goes,

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"ging gang gooly gooly
gooly gooly wotcher

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Ging gang goo
ging gang goo"--

96
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Fowler!

97
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We are discussing youth
crime, which will not be solved

98
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By shoving a sausage on a
stick and whistling "kumbaya."

99
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It's war out there, mate, war,
and the bleeding kids are winning.

100
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It's not war, Derek,
or anything of the sort.

101
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The vast majority of young
people are law-abiding citizens.

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I admit we don't like them,

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But if it were illegal to be sex-mad,

104
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Tone-deaf, and
impossible to understand,

105
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We should have to arrest the
entire population of France.

106
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Our problem is the tiny
minority of repeat offenders.

107
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Exactly, and what they need
is a short, sharp shock, mate,

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Not having their coddles mollied.

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I have no intention of mollying anyone.

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What I'm proposing is tough, demanding,

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But ultimately rewarding
physical endeavor.

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There is a course for
probationary young offenders

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Run by brigadier Blaster Sump.

114
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Blaster Sump? That looney?

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- I admit he's eccentric.
- Eccentric? The bloke tried to be the first man

116
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To reach the south
pole in short trousers.

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Look, I'm not having you
disgracing this station

118
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With a load of wishy-washy, diddums'

119
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Half cock, up your
social worker, folderol,

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Blame it on society,
psycho, sicko, socio,

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Claptrap crap.

122
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Well at least I'm doing something.

123
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What are you doing? Nothing.

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Where's your passion? Your commitment?

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You know what your
trouble is, don't you?

126
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You have no bottom, man.

127
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Did you just call me
a man with no bottom?

128
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Yes I did. Apart, of course,

129
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From the one you use
to communicate with.

130
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Right. I'll show you who's got

131
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The bigger bottom round this station.

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C.I.D. are gonna make a presentation.

133
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I'll show the conference what
you do with juvenile offenders.

134
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You nick 'em, you lock 'em up,

135
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And you throw away the door.

136
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I mean the key.

137
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You throw away the key.

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All right, sir, let's
see your driving license.

139
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Do you have any idea who my father is?

140
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I'm afraid I can't help
you on that one, sir.

141
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Have you tried asking your mother?

142
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What do you reckon, sir?
¶ doo-doo-doo, acid! ¶

143
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Very nice, very ravey.

144
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- You gotta make the effort, haven't you, sir?
- Yes you have, Kray.

145
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'cause this is a very
important operation.

146
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And it's my ass, and if you stuff it

147
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I'm going to end up
very red in the face.

148
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Now, the kids in this squat

149
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Are the nastiest little
gits in the neighborhood?

150
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- All repeat offenders, sir.
- Right, all we have to do is catch 'em at it.

151
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Undercover operation,
constables, very sensitive stuff.

152
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Now...

153
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I'm a van driver, as you can see.

154
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You two will have to play the
part of brain-dead juvenile morons.

155
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I'd probably be better off
using some of Fowler's lot.

156
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- Did you hear that, Kray?
- Yeah.

157
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I said a good one. I said,
"I'd probably be better off--"

158
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Yes, brilliant, sir.

159
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Try not to be too hilarious, I've
only got one pair of these trousers.

160
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Well anyway... Down to business.

161
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I'll show the subdistrict
regional police conference

162
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What sort of kids the
modern copper has to face.

163
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Nothing but villains and
hooligans the lot of 'em.

164
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Do you know what? There's
only one way to deal with it.

165
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You put the maternity hospitals

166
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Inside the juvenile detention centers.

167
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What?

168
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Out of the mom and into the cell?

169
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- Yeah.
- That's a very good idea, Kray.

170
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I may suggest that
to the home secretary.

171
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Come on.

172
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I'm really looking forward
to going on this camping trip,

173
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Really getting back to basics.

174
00:09:07,770 --> 00:09:10,171
I always think that food
tastes so much better

175
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If you have to open the tins yourself.

176
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Oh yes, it'll be good getting right back

177
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To nature and living life in the raw.

178
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You're not thinking of taking
your clothes off are you, Kevin?

179
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As if. My mother would
do her raving nana.

180
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Oh good, good.

181
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Because I always thought that
naturism is a very dangerous idea.

182
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I mean it would only take
one short-sighted squirrel.

183
00:09:32,632 --> 00:09:36,736
Well squirrels is all we're
likely to see on this camping trip.

184
00:09:36,737 --> 00:09:38,505
Do you know, I wish there were still

185
00:09:38,506 --> 00:09:40,407
Proper, dangerous wild animals.

186
00:09:40,408 --> 00:09:42,509
Then I could save
constable Habib from one

187
00:09:42,510 --> 00:09:44,012
And she'd fall in love with me.

188
00:09:44,013 --> 00:09:46,314
Lots of women are scared of spiders.

189
00:09:46,315 --> 00:09:47,984
Maybe Maggie is.

190
00:09:47,985 --> 00:09:51,053
If I put one in her tent, maybe
you could save her from it.

191
00:09:51,054 --> 00:09:52,922
Yes, yes, that's quite a good plan.

192
00:09:52,923 --> 00:09:54,624
But the only problem is...

193
00:09:54,625 --> 00:09:56,693
I wouldn't go within five million miles

194
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Of any tent that had a spider in it.

195
00:10:02,067 --> 00:10:05,170
More social reports on
juvenile repeat offenders, sir,

196
00:10:05,171 --> 00:10:07,540
Mostly connected with drugs and alcohol.

197
00:10:07,541 --> 00:10:10,076
Oh, great curried dumplings.

198
00:10:10,077 --> 00:10:12,712
It really is very depressing, isn't it?

199
00:10:12,713 --> 00:10:14,848
I just want to show a few youngsters

200
00:10:14,849 --> 00:10:17,419
That innocent pastimes can be fun too.

201
00:10:17,420 --> 00:10:20,655
- Yes, sir.
- I mean, I didn't need drink and drugs

202
00:10:20,656 --> 00:10:23,058
To have a good time
when I was their age.

203
00:10:23,059 --> 00:10:25,260
I had meccano.

204
00:10:27,064 --> 00:10:30,733
Ecstasy? Huh! I'll tell
you what ecstasy is-

205
00:10:30,734 --> 00:10:34,872
Completing a scale model of the
fourth bridge, that's what ecstasy is.

206
00:10:36,209 --> 00:10:38,944
It makes me sad to see
these children today

207
00:10:38,945 --> 00:10:42,215
With their drugs and sex and music.

208
00:10:42,216 --> 00:10:44,750
They'll never know the
joy a young lad can have

209
00:10:44,751 --> 00:10:46,819
Sitting alone in his room...

210
00:10:49,991 --> 00:10:53,160
With his tool in his hand...

211
00:10:53,161 --> 00:10:55,330
Tightening his little nuts.

212
00:10:55,331 --> 00:10:57,131
( giggles )

213
00:10:57,132 --> 00:10:58,834
( faking cough )

214
00:10:58,835 --> 00:11:02,172
- Sounds like you've got a cough
coming on, constable. - Yeah.

215
00:11:04,475 --> 00:11:06,609
- ( loud music playing )
- Grim: Listen to 'em.

216
00:11:06,610 --> 00:11:08,846
Ruddy morons.

217
00:11:08,847 --> 00:11:11,315
High on ecstasy, no doubt.

218
00:11:11,316 --> 00:11:14,353
- ( sobbing )
- Kray: Yeah, well if that girl's on ecstasy,

219
00:11:14,354 --> 00:11:17,122
She should ask for her money back.

220
00:11:17,123 --> 00:11:19,091
Bas...

221
00:11:22,163 --> 00:11:24,164
- I've done it, Bas.
- Told you it'd be easy.

222
00:11:24,165 --> 00:11:27,234
It was the most terrible thing
I've ever had to do in my life.

223
00:11:27,235 --> 00:11:29,837
Yeah, yeah, it's horrible.
Did you get my fags?

224
00:11:32,608 --> 00:11:35,778
Right, you two, this is it,
let's hear your inane giggles.

225
00:11:38,082 --> 00:11:41,218
Not bad, not bad, we'll
make detectives of you yet.

226
00:11:41,219 --> 00:11:43,620
Go on, then. Go and do your stuff.

227
00:11:46,425 --> 00:11:48,295
What's happening, man? Nice one.

228
00:11:48,296 --> 00:11:51,032
Yeah, happening. Sounds
like a banging good rave.

229
00:11:52,069 --> 00:11:54,004
Got any E? I want to score.

230
00:11:54,005 --> 00:11:56,075
Bug off, copper.

231
00:12:02,520 --> 00:12:04,889
Some kids kicked over our bins, Pat.

232
00:12:04,890 --> 00:12:06,827
I was clearing it up
a bit and I found this.

233
00:12:06,828 --> 00:12:09,332
You shouldn't have picked
it up, it could be a bomb.

234
00:12:09,333 --> 00:12:11,937
If it is, it's a stink bomb.

235
00:12:11,938 --> 00:12:14,140
( baby crying )

236
00:12:19,986 --> 00:12:22,722
The social services are
coming to take it to hospital

237
00:12:22,723 --> 00:12:25,427
- In about half an hour.
- No hurry.

238
00:12:25,428 --> 00:12:28,700
How could somebody just
dump their baby like that?

239
00:12:28,701 --> 00:12:30,903
She's so beautiful.

240
00:12:30,904 --> 00:12:33,174
She's ugly, Pat.

241
00:12:33,175 --> 00:12:36,147
All newborn babies are.
They're like prunes.

242
00:12:36,148 --> 00:12:38,751
They get nice, but they start ugly.

243
00:12:38,752 --> 00:12:42,358
How would you look after you'd spent
nine months in somebody's stomach?

244
00:12:42,359 --> 00:12:44,961
That's true, that's
true. I've seen things

245
00:12:44,962 --> 00:12:48,869
That haven't spent more than
five minutes in my stomach.

246
00:12:48,870 --> 00:12:53,777
I wouldn't want to go wheeling
them around tesco's in a pram.

247
00:12:54,914 --> 00:12:56,816
Habib, it's all hands to the pumps.

248
00:12:56,817 --> 00:12:59,588
There's been a disturbance
at the britannia social club.

249
00:12:59,589 --> 00:13:02,627
Some kind of right-wing meeting
has developed into an affray.

250
00:13:02,628 --> 00:13:05,499
If it's fascists, sir, am
I the best person to go?

251
00:13:05,500 --> 00:13:08,804
- I might provoke things.
- What do you mean?

252
00:13:08,805 --> 00:13:11,976
Well, sir, I'm Asian.

253
00:13:11,977 --> 00:13:15,684
I don't care if you've just
beamed down from venus, constable.

254
00:13:15,685 --> 00:13:19,023
You are a police officer and
we recognize only one color-

255
00:13:19,024 --> 00:13:21,260
That of the thin blue line.

256
00:13:21,261 --> 00:13:24,266
For god's sake, Raymond,
don't be such a pompous git.

257
00:13:25,669 --> 00:13:27,738
As a matter of fact,
I did not hear that.

258
00:13:27,739 --> 00:13:29,942
( shouts ) I said don't
be such a pompous git.

259
00:13:29,943 --> 00:13:31,579
( baby crying )

260
00:13:31,580 --> 00:13:33,449
Now look, you've upset the baby.

261
00:13:35,287 --> 00:13:37,990
- ( skinheads chanting )
- get off me, you fascist!

262
00:13:41,431 --> 00:13:44,369
Goody: Keep the noise down
or I will lose my temper.

263
00:13:44,370 --> 00:13:46,740
- Ohhh!
- We're not going to warn you again.

264
00:13:46,741 --> 00:13:49,412
- Into the cells.
- Now, not next christmas.

265
00:13:49,413 --> 00:13:51,949
Paki cow. Get back
to freakin' curryland.

266
00:13:51,950 --> 00:13:54,354
You ain't fit enough
to lick english boots.

267
00:13:54,355 --> 00:13:56,959
- What did you say?
- It's all right, Kevin.

268
00:13:56,960 --> 00:14:00,565
I said she's a black tart and
she should go back to the jungle.

269
00:14:02,068 --> 00:14:05,039
( crying ) I'm telling my mom.

270
00:14:05,040 --> 00:14:07,610
Oh no...

271
00:14:07,611 --> 00:14:09,881
You shouldn't have done that, Kevin.

272
00:14:09,882 --> 00:14:12,519
But thanks.

273
00:14:16,996 --> 00:14:19,899
Is she? Is she?

274
00:14:19,900 --> 00:14:22,136
Well I expect that'll just be wind.

275
00:14:22,137 --> 00:14:24,440
When I had her I found
that just rubbing her back

276
00:14:24,441 --> 00:14:28,414
And the tinniest drop of calpol
on her dummy and she'd go down.

277
00:14:28,415 --> 00:14:31,887
Well yes I know I only had her
for three quarters of an hour, but-

278
00:14:31,888 --> 00:14:35,527
Well anyway, just make sure she's
not sleeping on her tummy, and-

279
00:14:35,528 --> 00:14:38,465
Goodbye.

280
00:14:38,466 --> 00:14:40,536
- Do you want to know something?
- No.

281
00:14:40,537 --> 00:14:43,008
10 years from now there
won't be a woman on the force,

282
00:14:43,009 --> 00:14:45,045
And do you know why? Women's lib.

283
00:14:45,046 --> 00:14:47,416
Oh yeah? And how'd
you work that out then?

284
00:14:47,417 --> 00:14:49,819
Women have babies, right?
But you can't sack 'em,

285
00:14:49,820 --> 00:14:52,624
'cause if you do
- bosh, 200 grand compensation.

286
00:14:52,625 --> 00:14:54,528
I don't see why a woman
should lose her job

287
00:14:54,529 --> 00:14:56,999
For performing an essential
function of existence.

288
00:14:57,000 --> 00:15:00,505
That's fine. Except your average
villain objects to being interviewed

289
00:15:00,506 --> 00:15:02,442
By a copper with leaky nipples.

290
00:15:04,547 --> 00:15:07,885
Catch-22, isn't it? Can't
do the job, can't be sacked.

291
00:15:07,886 --> 00:15:10,390
Answer - don't take 'em
on in the first place.

292
00:15:10,391 --> 00:15:12,193
Not all women want babies, anyway.

293
00:15:12,194 --> 00:15:13,996
All women want babies.

294
00:15:13,997 --> 00:15:17,169
They say they don't, then bang,
they turn 30 and suddenly it's

295
00:15:17,170 --> 00:15:21,210
"quick, put a bun in my
oven before my gas runs out."

296
00:15:21,211 --> 00:15:23,481
You are such a neanderthal.

297
00:15:23,482 --> 00:15:25,950
- Eh?
- Pat, you're in your 30s,

298
00:15:25,951 --> 00:15:29,957
- You aren't desperate for a child, are you?
- No, not at all, not desperate.

299
00:15:29,958 --> 00:15:32,662
You have to remember the
restrictions babies bring.

300
00:15:32,663 --> 00:15:35,935
The sleepless nights, the
sick all over everything,

301
00:15:35,936 --> 00:15:38,740
The fat little cheeks you
just want to gobble up.

302
00:15:38,741 --> 00:15:40,878
The laughs, the smiles.

303
00:15:42,214 --> 00:15:44,618
I can take it or leave it.

304
00:15:44,619 --> 00:15:48,224
Habib, you and Goody in my office, now.

305
00:15:50,195 --> 00:15:54,536
Constable Goody, I've received
a very serious complaint.

306
00:15:54,537 --> 00:15:59,278
Did you punch a handcuffed
15-year-old boy last night

307
00:15:59,279 --> 00:16:01,382
While taking him to the cells?

308
00:16:01,383 --> 00:16:03,485
He was defending me, sir.

309
00:16:03,486 --> 00:16:06,089
He was defending you, constable Habib?

310
00:16:06,090 --> 00:16:07,759
Oh I see.

311
00:16:07,760 --> 00:16:09,596
And exactly what threat did this

312
00:16:09,597 --> 00:16:12,634
Securely handcuffed juvenile pose?

313
00:16:12,635 --> 00:16:15,039
What he threatening to
wither you with a glance?

314
00:16:15,040 --> 00:16:18,612
He was using racist abuse, sir.

315
00:16:18,613 --> 00:16:21,117
The boy has swastikas
tattooed on his arms.

316
00:16:21,118 --> 00:16:23,521
What did you expect him to do?

317
00:16:23,522 --> 00:16:26,025
Give you a chorus of "ebony and ivory"?

318
00:16:28,297 --> 00:16:31,402
You fool, Goody. You bloody fool.

319
00:16:31,403 --> 00:16:34,907
- Suppose the lad had sustained brain
damage? - Huh! How would we tell?

320
00:16:34,908 --> 00:16:38,147
Don't you dare be facetious
with me, young woman.

321
00:16:38,148 --> 00:16:43,155
- I'm sorry, sir. - I'm afraid we're a
long way past sorry, constable.

322
00:16:43,156 --> 00:16:47,632
You have created an
appallingly serious situation.

323
00:16:47,633 --> 00:16:50,669
- I'm going to have to charge
you with assault. - Sir, you can't!

324
00:16:50,670 --> 00:16:53,508
- Did Goody hit the boy,
constable Habib? - Yes, sir.

325
00:16:53,509 --> 00:16:56,413
Was Goody or anyone else in
any physical danger at the time?

326
00:16:56,414 --> 00:16:58,450
- No, sir.
- Under the circumstances then,

327
00:16:58,451 --> 00:17:00,453
What do you consider to be my duty?

328
00:17:00,454 --> 00:17:04,295
You - you could issue a
severe reprimand, sir.

329
00:17:04,296 --> 00:17:07,031
I'm afraid I do not have
that option, constable.

330
00:17:07,032 --> 00:17:09,671
The boy's mother is pressing charges.

331
00:17:11,642 --> 00:17:14,379
Constable Goody, you will
continue with your duties,

332
00:17:14,380 --> 00:17:17,885
- Pending an investigation for
unprovoked assault. - Yes, sir.

333
00:17:17,886 --> 00:17:19,588
That will be all.

334
00:17:20,890 --> 00:17:22,694
These boots are killing me.

335
00:17:22,695 --> 00:17:26,133
You should have stuffed them with
damp newspaper, and leave overnight.

336
00:17:26,134 --> 00:17:28,538
Ah, good, good. Carry on, carry on.

337
00:17:28,539 --> 00:17:30,541
Marvelous.

338
00:17:31,611 --> 00:17:34,280
Well sergeant, we're off.

339
00:17:34,281 --> 00:17:37,620
It is a far, far better thing
I do than I have ever done.

340
00:17:37,621 --> 00:17:42,062
We shall drive to the squat,
collect a minibus full of miscreants,

341
00:17:42,063 --> 00:17:46,269
And escort them along the rocky
path to the straight and narrow.

342
00:17:46,270 --> 00:17:48,633
Yes, Raymond, and perhaps next weekend

343
00:17:48,634 --> 00:17:50,765
You could take the
Arabs and the Israelis

344
00:17:50,766 --> 00:17:52,928
To Chessington zoo for the day?

345
00:17:54,295 --> 00:17:56,991
Dear, oh dear.

346
00:17:56,992 --> 00:17:59,289
Dib-dib-dib.

347
00:17:59,290 --> 00:18:01,420
Dob-dob-dob.

348
00:18:01,421 --> 00:18:03,619
Lovely legs, Raymond.

349
00:18:03,620 --> 00:18:06,150
You watch out for those sheep,

350
00:18:06,151 --> 00:18:08,280
They'll nibble your toggle, mate.

351
00:18:08,281 --> 00:18:09,879
( Grim laughing )

352
00:18:09,880 --> 00:18:12,410
Are you sure I can't
persuade you to come, Derek?

353
00:18:12,411 --> 00:18:15,574
I'm a policeman, not a
bleeding girl guide, Raymond.

354
00:18:15,575 --> 00:18:18,238
Besides, I'm rather busy tonight.

355
00:18:18,239 --> 00:18:21,735
While you fanny about
rewarding young offenders,

356
00:18:21,736 --> 00:18:24,232
I shall be nicking a few.

357
00:18:24,233 --> 00:18:26,829
Dear, oh dear, oh dear.

358
00:18:26,830 --> 00:18:28,094
( laughs )

359
00:18:29,094 --> 00:18:30,726
( tires screech )

360
00:18:30,727 --> 00:18:33,589
Grim: Go, go, go, go, go, go.

361
00:18:33,590 --> 00:18:35,887
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go.

362
00:18:36,886 --> 00:18:38,751
( doorbell rings )

363
00:18:38,752 --> 00:18:41,948
Right, they've had long enough.
Kray, give it some mallet.

364
00:18:41,949 --> 00:18:45,778
They're out now. Some of your
lot have taken 'em camping.

365
00:18:47,843 --> 00:18:49,174
( curses )

366
00:18:49,175 --> 00:18:51,772
Fowler has nicked my villains.

367
00:18:51,773 --> 00:18:54,503
( screaming )

368
00:18:58,533 --> 00:19:01,628
My name's blaster sump, damn you.

369
00:19:01,629 --> 00:19:04,959
Now-

370
00:19:04,960 --> 00:19:07,256
You play a straight bat with me

371
00:19:07,257 --> 00:19:10,021
And you'll find we'll rub
along pretty well together.

372
00:19:10,022 --> 00:19:12,584
Use a bent bat, however, a wobbly bat,

373
00:19:12,585 --> 00:19:15,448
A bat with a hole in it and
bits sticking out of the end,

374
00:19:15,449 --> 00:19:19,643
And by thunder I'll crush your young
testicles beneath the hard granite

375
00:19:19,644 --> 00:19:21,809
Of the mull of Ben Craggy.

376
00:19:21,810 --> 00:19:24,339
And those of the party not
equipped with testicles?

377
00:19:24,340 --> 00:19:27,937
- The victims of tragic accidents, you mean?
- No, I mean girls.

378
00:19:27,938 --> 00:19:31,532
Fortunately I've never been
called upon to discipline a girl.

379
00:19:31,533 --> 00:19:33,830
No, quite the other way
round as a matter of fact.

380
00:19:33,831 --> 00:19:37,027
- ( phone rings )
- oh, hell's tits!

381
00:19:37,028 --> 00:19:39,591
Yes? Brigadier Blaster Sump, damn you.

382
00:19:39,592 --> 00:19:41,589
What do you want?
Can't you see I'm busy?

383
00:19:42,922 --> 00:19:44,952
Damn technology.

384
00:19:44,953 --> 00:19:48,782
A present from Mrs. Blaster
Sump, God rot her vicious soul.

385
00:19:48,783 --> 00:19:52,046
"hey, guvnor," I said, "do you
want to buy me something useful?

386
00:19:52,047 --> 00:19:54,177
Then get me a big stick
with a nail in the end

387
00:19:54,178 --> 00:19:56,741
And somebody who deserves
a damn good thrashing."

388
00:19:56,742 --> 00:19:59,305
Huh? Huh? Huh?

389
00:19:59,306 --> 00:20:01,569
Ah... Mmm.

390
00:20:01,570 --> 00:20:05,132
Now here's your gear, you'll find
everything you could possibly need,

391
00:20:05,133 --> 00:20:07,331
From lavatory paper to sandpaper.

392
00:20:07,332 --> 00:20:09,295
Don't confuse the two.

393
00:20:09,296 --> 00:20:12,758
I did myself once. Not a
wholly unpleasant experience,

394
00:20:12,759 --> 00:20:15,688
But then I went to charterhouse.

395
00:20:15,689 --> 00:20:17,954
Right, well I think that's everything.

396
00:20:17,955 --> 00:20:21,483
Let's get up that mountain like
a ferret up a trouser leg, huh?

397
00:20:21,484 --> 00:20:24,048
Brigadier Blaster Sump-

398
00:20:24,049 --> 00:20:26,046
Yes, young lady?

399
00:20:26,047 --> 00:20:29,242
I'm a trained orienteer,
as are two of my officers.

400
00:20:29,243 --> 00:20:31,473
We wish only to use your equipment.

401
00:20:31,474 --> 00:20:33,205
Damn you, you bitch!

402
00:20:33,206 --> 00:20:35,236
Are you telling me I'm off the team?

403
00:20:35,237 --> 00:20:37,267
Reluctantly, sir, yes.

404
00:20:37,268 --> 00:20:39,066
Oh well, probably just as well.

405
00:20:39,067 --> 00:20:41,430
I like to sleep naked
when I'm out of doors.

406
00:20:41,431 --> 00:20:45,093
We don't want you young ladies getting
all flushed and dampened, do we?

407
00:20:45,094 --> 00:20:47,424
It's not that I cut quite
such a dash as I used to

408
00:20:47,425 --> 00:20:50,422
Since that savage encounter
with a short-sighted squirrel.

409
00:20:50,423 --> 00:20:54,818
All right then, off you go and last
one to the summit's a euro-federalist.

410
00:20:54,819 --> 00:20:57,547
- Go on, go away with you.
- ( shrieking )

411
00:21:02,477 --> 00:21:06,806
Now, when I was a boy
scout back in Trinidad,

412
00:21:06,807 --> 00:21:09,502
They taught us how to
light a fire with a stick

413
00:21:09,503 --> 00:21:11,434
And a piece of string.

414
00:21:13,200 --> 00:21:17,162
I could never understand why because
I found it a lot easier to use matches.

415
00:21:20,161 --> 00:21:23,023
Well, long walk tomorrow.

416
00:21:23,024 --> 00:21:24,888
Best turn in.

417
00:21:24,889 --> 00:21:26,919
Great heavenly chestnuts,

418
00:21:26,920 --> 00:21:29,649
My sleeping bag will be
a welcome sight tonight.

419
00:21:33,780 --> 00:21:35,743
Unless of course I can interest anyone

420
00:21:35,744 --> 00:21:37,941
In a chorus or two of
"ging gang gooly gooly."

421
00:21:39,474 --> 00:21:41,670
Sir, sir
- Natalie's disappeared.

422
00:21:43,870 --> 00:21:46,068
- Gladstone: Natalie!
- Habib: Natalie!

423
00:21:46,069 --> 00:21:48,066
- Natalie!
- Natalie!

424
00:21:51,728 --> 00:21:54,292
Nothing at all, sir. She's vanished.

425
00:21:54,293 --> 00:21:57,622
What on earth could have moved
the girl to abscond like that?

426
00:21:57,623 --> 00:22:00,386
On wrong step in the dark and
she could fall to her death.

427
00:22:00,387 --> 00:22:02,884
Habib: Inspector Fowler
- we found her.

428
00:22:02,885 --> 00:22:05,980
This is your fault,
Bas. You made me do it.

429
00:22:05,981 --> 00:22:08,845
Do what? Tell me what this
nonsense is all about, boy,

430
00:22:08,846 --> 00:22:11,242
Or by thunder you'll live to regret it.

431
00:22:11,243 --> 00:22:14,345
It's the baby. I told
her to get rid of it.

432
00:22:14,346 --> 00:22:17,714
So the silly cow dumped it by
some rubbish outside your nick.

433
00:22:17,715 --> 00:22:20,650
She reckons it got thrown
away, she reckons she killed it.

434
00:22:20,651 --> 00:22:24,419
I say so what? Who cares? It
probably weren't mine anyway.

435
00:22:24,420 --> 00:22:26,622
Why, you little-

436
00:22:29,992 --> 00:22:32,827
Habib: Natalie...

437
00:22:32,828 --> 00:22:35,428
- I found your baby.
- You found her?

438
00:22:35,429 --> 00:22:37,596
Yes, she's all right, she's in hospital.

439
00:22:37,597 --> 00:22:40,900
- You didn't kill her.
- I didn't mean it.

440
00:22:40,901 --> 00:22:43,035
I do love her.

441
00:22:43,036 --> 00:22:47,072
Well I think it's time
we all got some rest.

442
00:22:47,073 --> 00:22:50,742
As you go to sleep, I want you to think
hard about the lessons learned today.

443
00:22:50,743 --> 00:22:53,510
Think about...

444
00:22:53,511 --> 00:22:55,479
Turning over a new leaf.

445
00:22:57,547 --> 00:23:01,651
- Will you do that?
- Kids: Yes, inspector Fowler.

446
00:23:01,652 --> 00:23:04,052
Good night.

447
00:23:15,696 --> 00:23:18,631
Oh, bugger!

448
00:23:21,701 --> 00:23:23,569
Habib that is enough.

449
00:23:23,570 --> 00:23:26,505
I cannot drop the charges
against constable Goody.

450
00:23:26,506 --> 00:23:28,707
The boy's mother is here now.

451
00:23:28,708 --> 00:23:31,108
There is nothing I can do about it.

452
00:23:31,109 --> 00:23:33,543
I bet you could if you really wanted to.

453
00:23:33,544 --> 00:23:36,580
- Don't be insubordinate, constable.
- But you don't want to

454
00:23:36,581 --> 00:23:39,082
Because you think he
should be charged. And why?

455
00:23:39,083 --> 00:23:43,452
Because the precise letter of the law
is more important to you than justice.

456
00:23:43,453 --> 00:23:44,987
You understand what Kevin did.

457
00:23:44,988 --> 00:23:47,021
You nearly slapped that
thug on the mountain.

458
00:23:47,022 --> 00:23:49,990
And had I done so I would
expect to face the consequences.

459
00:23:49,991 --> 00:23:52,426
We do not have a choice in this matter.

460
00:23:52,427 --> 00:23:56,496
The police cannot choose when
and when not to enforce the law.

461
00:23:56,497 --> 00:24:00,833
If we do that, how can we expect
the public ever to trust us?

462
00:24:00,834 --> 00:24:04,235
If I could see a way out of
this, believe me I'd take it.

463
00:24:04,236 --> 00:24:06,305
But I can't.

464
00:24:11,643 --> 00:24:15,745
Ah, come in. Please sit down.

465
00:24:19,317 --> 00:24:22,518
Now then, Mrs. Bludger,

466
00:24:22,519 --> 00:24:25,621
You have brought charges of
assault against one of my officers.

467
00:24:25,622 --> 00:24:28,757
Where's the thug that
hit my defenseless boy?

468
00:24:28,758 --> 00:24:32,626
Little Geoffrey here could have
been permanently brain damaged.

469
00:24:32,627 --> 00:24:34,227
Possibly...

470
00:24:34,228 --> 00:24:37,464
But I cannot imagine how we would tell.

471
00:24:37,465 --> 00:24:41,166
I want to know from the lad
himself exactly what happened.

472
00:24:41,167 --> 00:24:43,902
I ain't talkin' to no
copper without my lawyer.

473
00:24:43,903 --> 00:24:47,672
You bleeding well talk to him or
I'll fetch your father from the pub.

474
00:24:49,107 --> 00:24:51,075
( whimpering )

475
00:24:53,878 --> 00:24:58,414
Mrs. Bludger, are you aware of the european
law regarding the treatment of minors?

476
00:24:58,415 --> 00:25:02,250
- Eh? - Oh well, it doesn't matter.
Ignorance is no defense.

477
00:25:02,251 --> 00:25:05,520
I'm arresting you for
assaulting your child.

478
00:25:05,521 --> 00:25:09,257
- Do what?
- On the other hand, of course,

479
00:25:09,258 --> 00:25:12,259
We could forget the whole thing.

480
00:25:13,728 --> 00:25:15,695
I hope you learned your lesson, laddie.

481
00:25:15,696 --> 00:25:17,530
Yes I have, sir, thank you for asking.

482
00:25:19,400 --> 00:25:23,597
Of all the juveniles in Gasforth
and you had to pinch mine.

483
00:25:25,580 --> 00:25:28,333
We worked damn hard on that pull.

484
00:25:28,334 --> 00:25:30,886
- Didn't we, Kray?
- What?

485
00:25:30,887 --> 00:25:34,345
Now I've got nothing to present to
the deputy assistant undersecretary

486
00:25:34,346 --> 00:25:36,798
At the subdistrict regional conference.

487
00:25:36,799 --> 00:25:39,384
Well, Derek, I've been thinking.

488
00:25:39,385 --> 00:25:42,441
Oh, god save us!

489
00:25:42,442 --> 00:25:44,893
The conference is about youth.

490
00:25:44,894 --> 00:25:47,884
Who better to discuss
it than youthful coppers?

491
00:25:47,885 --> 00:25:51,106
You have a story to
tell, constable Goody.

492
00:25:51,107 --> 00:25:54,030
Perhaps conference should hear it?

493
00:25:54,031 --> 00:25:57,557
Yes, I think it should.

494
00:26:03,066 --> 00:26:05,081
What story would that be then?

495
00:26:13,682 --> 00:26:15,998
I couldn't believe the
crush at the checkout.

496
00:26:15,999 --> 00:26:18,013
I was in the
six-items-or-less queue.

497
00:26:18,014 --> 00:26:20,802
The woman in front of me had
some special-offer toothpaste,

498
00:26:20,803 --> 00:26:23,353
A big tube with a little
one cellotaped on for free.

499
00:26:23,354 --> 00:26:25,134
That's two items, isn't it?

500
00:26:25,135 --> 00:26:27,184
Which brought her up to seven.

501
00:26:27,185 --> 00:26:29,232
Seven items in the six items queue.

502
00:26:29,233 --> 00:26:31,248
I cannot stand that sort of thing.

503
00:26:31,249 --> 00:26:33,430
Well you're right not to.

504
00:26:33,431 --> 00:26:36,723
That type of antisocial behavior
corrupts the entire system.

505
00:26:36,724 --> 00:26:39,511
- I hope you said something.
- I very nearly said something.

506
00:26:39,512 --> 00:26:42,467
- You should have said something.
- I was gonna say something.

507
00:26:42,468 --> 00:26:45,188
Then I saw these on a
promotional stand by the till.

508
00:26:45,189 --> 00:26:47,439
I just couldn't resist
them. What do you think?

509
00:26:47,440 --> 00:26:49,755
I don't think they'll fit you.

510
00:26:49,756 --> 00:26:51,838
I don't know why I got them really,

511
00:26:51,839 --> 00:26:54,393
Just they were on special
and it seemed silly not to.

512
00:26:54,394 --> 00:26:56,743
I suppose now we've got
the socks and everything,

513
00:26:56,744 --> 00:26:58,590
It'd be silly not to have a baby.

514
00:26:58,591 --> 00:27:01,177
Well I have to think about these things,

515
00:27:01,178 --> 00:27:04,570
- I'm not getting any younger.
- Nobody gets any younger, Patricia,

516
00:27:04,571 --> 00:27:07,425
With the possible
exception of Joan Collins.

517
00:27:07,426 --> 00:27:09,272
It's just a fact of life.

518
00:27:09,273 --> 00:27:11,288
It's all very well for you,

519
00:27:11,289 --> 00:27:13,572
You've been married, you've had a child.

520
00:27:13,573 --> 00:27:17,569
Yes, and he's the best argument I
can think of for not having another.

521
00:27:17,570 --> 00:27:21,129
Besides which, we haven't
got time to start a family.

522
00:27:21,130 --> 00:27:25,363
Ours is not an occupation one can
walk away from at the end of the day.

523
00:27:25,364 --> 00:27:28,553
I'm a police officer.
You're a police officer.

524
00:27:28,554 --> 00:27:32,046
- I am also a woman.
- I know that, Patricia.

525
00:27:32,047 --> 00:27:33,827
But you must get a grip.

526
00:27:33,828 --> 00:27:35,976
There is no place in the queen's uniform

527
00:27:35,977 --> 00:27:38,092
For ill-disciplined hormones.

528
00:27:42,157 --> 00:27:44,171
You do realize, Patricia,

529
00:27:44,172 --> 00:27:46,626
That if you hit me with that halibut,

530
00:27:46,627 --> 00:27:49,548
You lay yourself open
to charges of assault.

531
00:27:49,549 --> 00:27:52,401
Give me the fish, Patricia.

532
00:27:52,402 --> 00:27:54,350
Give me the fish.

533
00:28:00,903 --> 00:28:03,656
You may think yourself
lucky that we're not having

534
00:28:03,657 --> 00:28:05,671
A leg of lamb for supper tonight,

535
00:28:05,672 --> 00:28:08,021
Or this whole incident could have been

536
00:28:08,022 --> 00:28:10,743
Much more serio-

537
00:28:10,744 --> 00:28:13,396
( theme music playing )