( theme music playing )
Good afternoon. Carry on.
Sit down, sit down.
Now then, everybody, I have exciting news,
Exciting news indeed.
Gasforth has been selected to host the next
Subdistrict regional police conference.
Yes, I thought you'd be excited.
When I read the letter this morning,
I nearly had to have another cup of tea.
We are to have an opportunity to put our views
To a deputy assistant undersecretary of state to the cabinet,
A man who has the ear of a man who has the ear of the man
Who has a foot in the home office.
You've lost me completely now, sir.
We are just two ears and a foot from the home secretary.
We must not waste this chance
To place the issues that really count
Right at the heart of government.
You're absolutely right, sir.
Let's ask the old git for a pay raise.
There are some of us, constable Habib, who believe
There is more to policing than the weekly stipend.
Like being able to drive through red lights when you feel like it.
I beg your pardon?
And really cool riot gear like they have on robocop.
And tear gas.
I had to go with that once, it was brilliant.
Except you have to check which way the wind is blowing
'cause I forgot and it didn't half sting, went right in my eye.
Goody.
Tell 'em we want those long truncheons they have on "N.Y.P.D. Blue."
Don't be absurd, constable.
Those telegraph poles that american officers carry
Are just so much macho posturing.
The traditional truncheon is perfectly adequate.
Personally I've always felt more than satisfied
With 14 inches hanging down inside my trouser leg.
- Have I said something amusing, constable Habib? - No, sir.
Then you will oblige me by wiping that silly grin off your face.
Anyway, the subject of the conference is rather specific.
We have been asked to prepare an initiative
On an aspect of juvenile crime.
So what do you think it should be?
Truancy? Taking without consent?
- The scourge of graffiti? - I don't see graffiti as a scourge, sir.
I see it as a new urban art form.
Have you run mad, constable Habib?
No, I'm serious, sir. Isn't it just a vibrant
And contemporary form of youth expression?
No, it's a bunch of nasty little yobs scribbling on walls.
I blame these awful fridge magnets.
Yes, and for those of us who are conducting
This briefing on earth...
I've seen it at my niece's house.
Every time her toddler does a nasty little scribble
It gets stuck up on the fridge.
- Yes... - And everyone has to say how nice it is.
So young people grow up thinking that
Their stupid scribblings are somehow wonderful.
So they carry on scribbling, forever searching
For that warm glow of appreciation that they used to feel
When standing round the fridge.
Yes, and that completes this week's training session
For the Gasforth police synchronized idiots team.
Perhaps you can return to the subject of juvenile crime.
I think the first step is to stop seeing
These kids as nothing but criminal thugs, sir.
And what other description might one find
For those who vandalize property,
Steal cars, and instruct me
Whenever I venture out in my helmet
To remove the cold tit from my head?
These kids are bored. We've got to provide them
With some meaning in their lives.
Yes, constable Habib, in fact I was thinking along similar lines.
What do you suggest we do to bring about this sense of moral renewal?
Well, we need real jobs, decent housing,
We need long-term investment in the urban social infrastructure.
Hmm. Yes, I was thinking more along the lines
Of a short camping trip.
A camping trip?
A bleeding camping trip?
Blimey!
Am I to take it that you do not approve
Of my proposed initiative?
Yes you may take it, Raymond,
And you may shove it up your truncheon pouch.
Society is collapsing round our ears,
And baden-powell here calls for a chorus of ging gang goolies.
- Ging gang gooly. - What?
The goolies are singular.
The song you refer to goes,
"ging gang gooly gooly gooly gooly wotcher
Ging gang goo ging gang goo"--
Fowler!
We are discussing youth crime, which will not be solved
By shoving a sausage on a stick and whistling "kumbaya."
It's war out there, mate, war, and the bleeding kids are winning.
It's not war, Derek, or anything of the sort.
The vast majority of young people are law-abiding citizens.
I admit we don't like them,
But if it were illegal to be sex-mad,
Tone-deaf, and impossible to understand,
We should have to arrest the entire population of France.
Our problem is the tiny minority of repeat offenders.
Exactly, and what they need is a short, sharp shock, mate,
Not having their coddles mollied.
I have no intention of mollying anyone.
What I'm proposing is tough, demanding,
But ultimately rewarding physical endeavor.
There is a course for probationary young offenders
Run by brigadier Blaster Sump.
Blaster Sump? That looney?
- I admit he's eccentric. - Eccentric? The bloke tried to be the first man
To reach the south pole in short trousers.
Look, I'm not having you disgracing this station
With a load of wishy-washy, diddums'
Half cock, up your social worker, folderol,
Blame it on society, psycho, sicko, socio,
Claptrap crap.
Well at least I'm doing something.
What are you doing? Nothing.
Where's your passion? Your commitment?
You know what your trouble is, don't you?
You have no bottom, man.
Did you just call me a man with no bottom?
Yes I did. Apart, of course,
From the one you use to communicate with.
Right. I'll show you who's got
The bigger bottom round this station.
C.I.D. are gonna make a presentation.
I'll show the conference what you do with juvenile offenders.
You nick 'em, you lock 'em up,
And you throw away the door.
I mean the key.
You throw away the key.
All right, sir, let's see your driving license.
Do you have any idea who my father is?
I'm afraid I can't help you on that one, sir.
Have you tried asking your mother?
What do you reckon, sir? ¶ doo-doo-doo, acid! ¶
Very nice, very ravey.
- You gotta make the effort, haven't you, sir? - Yes you have, Kray.
'cause this is a very important operation.
And it's my ass, and if you stuff it
I'm going to end up very red in the face.
Now, the kids in this squat
Are the nastiest little gits in the neighborhood?
- All repeat offenders, sir. - Right, all we have to do is catch 'em at it.
Undercover operation, constables, very sensitive stuff.
Now...
I'm a van driver, as you can see.
You two will have to play the part of brain-dead juvenile morons.
I'd probably be better off using some of Fowler's lot.
- Did you hear that, Kray? - Yeah.
I said a good one. I said, "I'd probably be better off--"
Yes, brilliant, sir.
Try not to be too hilarious, I've only got one pair of these trousers.
Well anyway... Down to business.
I'll show the subdistrict regional police conference
What sort of kids the modern copper has to face.
Nothing but villains and hooligans the lot of 'em.
Do you know what? There's only one way to deal with it.
You put the maternity hospitals
Inside the juvenile detention centers.
What?
Out of the mom and into the cell?
- Yeah. - That's a very good idea, Kray.
I may suggest that to the home secretary.
Come on.
I'm really looking forward to going on this camping trip,
Really getting back to basics.
I always think that food tastes so much better
If you have to open the tins yourself.
Oh yes, it'll be good getting right back
To nature and living life in the raw.
You're not thinking of taking your clothes off are you, Kevin?
As if. My mother would do her raving nana.
Oh good, good.
Because I always thought that naturism is a very dangerous idea.
I mean it would only take one short-sighted squirrel.
Well squirrels is all we're likely to see on this camping trip.
Do you know, I wish there were still
Proper, dangerous wild animals.
Then I could save constable Habib from one
And she'd fall in love with me.
Lots of women are scared of spiders.
Maybe Maggie is.
If I put one in her tent, maybe you could save her from it.
Yes, yes, that's quite a good plan.
But the only problem is...
I wouldn't go within five million miles
Of any tent that had a spider in it.
More social reports on juvenile repeat offenders, sir,
Mostly connected with drugs and alcohol.
Oh, great curried dumplings.
It really is very depressing, isn't it?
I just want to show a few youngsters
That innocent pastimes can be fun too.
- Yes, sir. - I mean, I didn't need drink and drugs
To have a good time when I was their age.
I had meccano.
Ecstasy? Huh! I'll tell you what ecstasy is-
Completing a scale model of the fourth bridge, that's what ecstasy is.
It makes me sad to see these children today
With their drugs and sex and music.
They'll never know the joy a young lad can have
Sitting alone in his room...
With his tool in his hand...
Tightening his little nuts.
( giggles )
( faking cough )
- Sounds like you've got a cough coming on, constable. - Yeah.
- ( loud music playing ) - Grim: Listen to 'em.
Ruddy morons.
High on ecstasy, no doubt.
- ( sobbing ) - Kray: Yeah, well if that girl's on ecstasy,
She should ask for her money back.
Bas...
- I've done it, Bas. - Told you it'd be easy.
It was the most terrible thing I've ever had to do in my life.
Yeah, yeah, it's horrible. Did you get my fags?
Right, you two, this is it, let's hear your inane giggles.
Not bad, not bad, we'll make detectives of you yet.
Go on, then. Go and do your stuff.
What's happening, man? Nice one.
Yeah, happening. Sounds like a banging good rave.
Got any E? I want to score.
Bug off, copper.
Some kids kicked over our bins, Pat.
I was clearing it up a bit and I found this.
You shouldn't have picked it up, it could be a bomb.
If it is, it's a stink bomb.
( baby crying )
The social services are coming to take it to hospital
- In about half an hour. - No hurry.
How could somebody just dump their baby like that?
She's so beautiful.
She's ugly, Pat.
All newborn babies are. They're like prunes.
They get nice, but they start ugly.
How would you look after you'd spent nine months in somebody's stomach?
That's true, that's true. I've seen things
That haven't spent more than five minutes in my stomach.
I wouldn't want to go wheeling them around tesco's in a pram.
Habib, it's all hands to the pumps.
There's been a disturbance at the britannia social club.
Some kind of right-wing meeting has developed into an affray.
If it's fascists, sir, am I the best person to go?
- I might provoke things. - What do you mean?
Well, sir, I'm Asian.
I don't care if you've just beamed down from venus, constable.
You are a police officer and we recognize only one color-
That of the thin blue line.
For god's sake, Raymond, don't be such a pompous git.
As a matter of fact, I did not hear that.
( shouts ) I said don't be such a pompous git.
( baby crying )
Now look, you've upset the baby.
- ( skinheads chanting ) - get off me, you fascist!
Goody: Keep the noise down or I will lose my temper.
- Ohhh! - We're not going to warn you again.
- Into the cells. - Now, not next christmas.
Paki cow. Get back to freakin' curryland.
You ain't fit enough to lick english boots.
- What did you say? - It's all right, Kevin.
I said she's a black tart and she should go back to the jungle.
( crying ) I'm telling my mom.
Oh no...
You shouldn't have done that, Kevin.
But thanks.
Is she? Is she?
Well I expect that'll just be wind.
When I had her I found that just rubbing her back
And the tinniest drop of calpol on her dummy and she'd go down.
Well yes I know I only had her for three quarters of an hour, but-
Well anyway, just make sure she's not sleeping on her tummy, and-
Goodbye.
- Do you want to know something? - No.
10 years from now there won't be a woman on the force,
And do you know why? Women's lib.
Oh yeah? And how'd you work that out then?
Women have babies, right? But you can't sack 'em,
'cause if you do - bosh, 200 grand compensation.
I don't see why a woman should lose her job
For performing an essential function of existence.
That's fine. Except your average villain objects to being interviewed
By a copper with leaky nipples.
Catch-22, isn't it? Can't do the job, can't be sacked.
Answer - don't take 'em on in the first place.
Not all women want babies, anyway.
All women want babies.
They say they don't, then bang, they turn 30 and suddenly it's
"quick, put a bun in my oven before my gas runs out."
You are such a neanderthal.
- Eh? - Pat, you're in your 30s,
- You aren't desperate for a child, are you? - No, not at all, not desperate.
You have to remember the restrictions babies bring.
The sleepless nights, the sick all over everything,
The fat little cheeks you just want to gobble up.
The laughs, the smiles.
I can take it or leave it.
Habib, you and Goody in my office, now.
Constable Goody, I've received a very serious complaint.
Did you punch a handcuffed 15-year-old boy last night
While taking him to the cells?
He was defending me, sir.
He was defending you, constable Habib?
Oh I see.
And exactly what threat did this
Securely handcuffed juvenile pose?
What he threatening to wither you with a glance?
He was using racist abuse, sir.
The boy has swastikas tattooed on his arms.
What did you expect him to do?
Give you a chorus of "ebony and ivory"?
You fool, Goody. You bloody fool.
- Suppose the lad had sustained brain damage? - Huh! How would we tell?
Don't you dare be facetious with me, young woman.
- I'm sorry, sir. - I'm afraid we're a long way past sorry, constable.
You have created an appallingly serious situation.
- I'm going to have to charge you with assault. - Sir, you can't!
- Did Goody hit the boy, constable Habib? - Yes, sir.
Was Goody or anyone else in any physical danger at the time?
- No, sir. - Under the circumstances then,
What do you consider to be my duty?
You - you could issue a severe reprimand, sir.
I'm afraid I do not have that option, constable.
The boy's mother is pressing charges.
Constable Goody, you will continue with your duties,
- Pending an investigation for unprovoked assault. - Yes, sir.
That will be all.
These boots are killing me.
You should have stuffed them with damp newspaper, and leave overnight.
Ah, good, good. Carry on, carry on.
Marvelous.
Well sergeant, we're off.
It is a far, far better thing I do than I have ever done.
We shall drive to the squat, collect a minibus full of miscreants,
And escort them along the rocky path to the straight and narrow.
Yes, Raymond, and perhaps next weekend
You could take the Arabs and the Israelis
To Chessington zoo for the day?
Dear, oh dear.
Dib-dib-dib.
Dob-dob-dob.
Lovely legs, Raymond.
You watch out for those sheep,
They'll nibble your toggle, mate.
( Grim laughing )
Are you sure I can't persuade you to come, Derek?
I'm a policeman, not a bleeding girl guide, Raymond.
Besides, I'm rather busy tonight.
While you fanny about rewarding young offenders,
I shall be nicking a few.
Dear, oh dear, oh dear.
( laughs )
( tires screech )
Grim: Go, go, go, go, go, go.
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
( doorbell rings )
Right, they've had long enough. Kray, give it some mallet.
They're out now. Some of your lot have taken 'em camping.
( curses )
Fowler has nicked my villains.
( screaming )
My name's blaster sump, damn you.
Now-
You play a straight bat with me
And you'll find we'll rub along pretty well together.
Use a bent bat, however, a wobbly bat,
A bat with a hole in it and bits sticking out of the end,
And by thunder I'll crush your young testicles beneath the hard granite
Of the mull of Ben Craggy.
And those of the party not equipped with testicles?
- The victims of tragic accidents, you mean? - No, I mean girls.
Fortunately I've never been called upon to discipline a girl.
No, quite the other way round as a matter of fact.
- ( phone rings ) - oh, hell's tits!
Yes? Brigadier Blaster Sump, damn you.
What do you want? Can't you see I'm busy?
Damn technology.
A present from Mrs. Blaster Sump, God rot her vicious soul.
"hey, guvnor," I said, "do you want to buy me something useful?
Then get me a big stick with a nail in the end
And somebody who deserves a damn good thrashing."
Huh? Huh? Huh?
Ah... Mmm.
Now here's your gear, you'll find everything you could possibly need,
From lavatory paper to sandpaper.
Don't confuse the two.
I did myself once. Not a wholly unpleasant experience,
But then I went to charterhouse.
Right, well I think that's everything.
Let's get up that mountain like a ferret up a trouser leg, huh?
Brigadier Blaster Sump-
Yes, young lady?
I'm a trained orienteer, as are two of my officers.
We wish only to use your equipment.
Damn you, you bitch!
Are you telling me I'm off the team?
Reluctantly, sir, yes.
Oh well, probably just as well.
I like to sleep naked when I'm out of doors.
We don't want you young ladies getting all flushed and dampened, do we?
It's not that I cut quite such a dash as I used to
Since that savage encounter with a short-sighted squirrel.
All right then, off you go and last one to the summit's a euro-federalist.
- Go on, go away with you. - ( shrieking )
Now, when I was a boy scout back in Trinidad,
They taught us how to light a fire with a stick
And a piece of string.
I could never understand why because I found it a lot easier to use matches.
Well, long walk tomorrow.
Best turn in.
Great heavenly chestnuts,
My sleeping bag will be a welcome sight tonight.
Unless of course I can interest anyone
In a chorus or two of "ging gang gooly gooly."
Sir, sir - Natalie's disappeared.
- Gladstone: Natalie! - Habib: Natalie!
- Natalie! - Natalie!
Nothing at all, sir. She's vanished.
What on earth could have moved the girl to abscond like that?
On wrong step in the dark and she could fall to her death.
Habib: Inspector Fowler - we found her.
This is your fault, Bas. You made me do it.
Do what? Tell me what this nonsense is all about, boy,
Or by thunder you'll live to regret it.
It's the baby. I told her to get rid of it.
So the silly cow dumped it by some rubbish outside your nick.
She reckons it got thrown away, she reckons she killed it.
I say so what? Who cares? It probably weren't mine anyway.
Why, you little-
Habib: Natalie...
- I found your baby. - You found her?
Yes, she's all right, she's in hospital.
- You didn't kill her. - I didn't mean it.
I do love her.
Well I think it's time we all got some rest.
As you go to sleep, I want you to think hard about the lessons learned today.
Think about...
Turning over a new leaf.
- Will you do that? - Kids: Yes, inspector Fowler.
Good night.
Oh, bugger!
Habib that is enough.
I cannot drop the charges against constable Goody.
The boy's mother is here now.
There is nothing I can do about it.
I bet you could if you really wanted to.
- Don't be insubordinate, constable. - But you don't want to
Because you think he should be charged. And why?
Because the precise letter of the law is more important to you than justice.
You understand what Kevin did.
You nearly slapped that thug on the mountain.
And had I done so I would expect to face the consequences.
We do not have a choice in this matter.
The police cannot choose when and when not to enforce the law.
If we do that, how can we expect the public ever to trust us?
If I could see a way out of this, believe me I'd take it.
But I can't.
Ah, come in. Please sit down.
Now then, Mrs. Bludger,
You have brought charges of assault against one of my officers.
Where's the thug that hit my defenseless boy?
Little Geoffrey here could have been permanently brain damaged.
Possibly...
But I cannot imagine how we would tell.
I want to know from the lad himself exactly what happened.
I ain't talkin' to no copper without my lawyer.
You bleeding well talk to him or I'll fetch your father from the pub.
( whimpering )
Mrs. Bludger, are you aware of the european law regarding the treatment of minors?
- Eh? - Oh well, it doesn't matter. Ignorance is no defense.
I'm arresting you for assaulting your child.
- Do what? - On the other hand, of course,
We could forget the whole thing.
I hope you learned your lesson, laddie.
Yes I have, sir, thank you for asking.
Of all the juveniles in Gasforth and you had to pinch mine.
We worked damn hard on that pull.
- Didn't we, Kray? - What?
Now I've got nothing to present to the deputy assistant undersecretary
At the subdistrict regional conference.
Well, Derek, I've been thinking.
Oh, god save us!
The conference is about youth.
Who better to discuss it than youthful coppers?
You have a story to tell, constable Goody.
Perhaps conference should hear it?
Yes, I think it should.
What story would that be then?
I couldn't believe the crush at the checkout.
I was in the six-items-or-less queue.
The woman in front of me had some special-offer toothpaste,
A big tube with a little one cellotaped on for free.
That's two items, isn't it?
Which brought her up to seven.
Seven items in the six items queue.
I cannot stand that sort of thing.
Well you're right not to.
That type of antisocial behavior corrupts the entire system.
- I hope you said something. - I very nearly said something.
- You should have said something. - I was gonna say something.
Then I saw these on a promotional stand by the till.
I just couldn't resist them. What do you think?
I don't think they'll fit you.
I don't know why I got them really,
Just they were on special and it seemed silly not to.
I suppose now we've got the socks and everything,
It'd be silly not to have a baby.
Well I have to think about these things,
- I'm not getting any younger. - Nobody gets any younger, Patricia,
With the possible exception of Joan Collins.
It's just a fact of life.
It's all very well for you,
You've been married, you've had a child.
Yes, and he's the best argument I can think of for not having another.
Besides which, we haven't got time to start a family.
Ours is not an occupation one can walk away from at the end of the day.
I'm a police officer. You're a police officer.
- I am also a woman. - I know that, Patricia.
But you must get a grip.
There is no place in the queen's uniform
For ill-disciplined hormones.
You do realize, Patricia,
That if you hit me with that halibut,
You lay yourself open to charges of assault.
Give me the fish, Patricia.
Give me the fish.
You may think yourself lucky that we're not having
A leg of lamb for supper tonight,
Or this whole incident could have been
Much more serio-
( theme music playing )