1 00:00:43,168 --> 00:00:46,672 ~ Suntan lotion is good for me 2 00:00:46,797 --> 00:00:48,549 ~ You protect me 3 00:00:48,674 --> 00:00:50,384 ~ Tee-hee-hee 4 00:00:51,760 --> 00:00:57,140 Oh, the sun tries to burn me, but you won't let it, will ya? 5 00:00:58,725 --> 00:01:03,146 Ultraviolet rays - bad. Lotion - good. 6 00:01:03,272 --> 00:01:05,315 (blows raspberries ) 7 00:01:07,484 --> 00:01:09,528 Smiley. 8 00:01:17,828 --> 00:01:21,915 There's something important I was supposed to do today. 9 00:01:22,040 --> 00:01:24,418 Have five daiquiris? 10 00:01:24,585 --> 00:01:27,462 No, you remembered to do that. 11 00:01:28,589 --> 00:01:32,259 Man, why did I have so many drinks? I can't remember. 12 00:01:33,427 --> 00:01:36,597 - What's today? - October? 13 00:01:37,556 --> 00:01:40,309 It's nudie-magazine day! 14 00:01:41,226 --> 00:01:43,270 Yeah! 15 00:01:53,280 --> 00:01:55,324 Watch out, butler! 16 00:01:55,449 --> 00:01:57,492 Ooh, you're a quick one. 17 00:02:08,128 --> 00:02:11,215 Nudie-magazine day! Nudie-magazine day! 18 00:02:11,757 --> 00:02:14,051 Nudie-magazine day! Nudie... 19 00:02:14,218 --> 00:02:16,261 Agh! Ooh! 20 00:02:38,700 --> 00:02:40,744 Ooh. 21 00:02:41,203 --> 00:02:42,371 Eee... 22 00:02:45,457 --> 00:02:47,501 Ah! 23 00:02:48,710 --> 00:02:50,754 Oh! 24 00:02:54,508 --> 00:02:56,552 (squawking ) 25 00:03:00,389 --> 00:03:02,432 Holy jeez! 26 00:03:02,599 --> 00:03:07,646 Lookee what we got here. That silly penguin is back again. 27 00:03:07,813 --> 00:03:11,400 No, Mr Madison, there no penguin. You got too much sun today. 28 00:03:11,567 --> 00:03:14,361 - There no penguin! - (squawks ) 29 00:03:14,486 --> 00:03:19,199 It's too damn hot for a penguin to be just walkin' around here. 30 00:03:20,868 --> 00:03:24,037 I gotta send him back to the South Pole. 31 00:03:25,789 --> 00:03:27,833 No! 32 00:03:36,884 --> 00:03:41,180 Penguin! Don't you dare run away! 33 00:03:42,347 --> 00:03:45,184 Come here, Mr Penguin! 34 00:03:46,602 --> 00:03:48,729 I'm one of the good guys, penguin. 35 00:03:48,854 --> 00:03:51,857 Don't run! Oh. Oh... 36 00:04:02,659 --> 00:04:05,204 Don't run! 37 00:04:05,329 --> 00:04:08,165 Don't run from me! 38 00:04:08,332 --> 00:04:10,375 Penguin! 39 00:04:14,963 --> 00:04:15,881 Penguin. 40 00:04:22,679 --> 00:04:25,599 You're a bad penguin. 41 00:04:26,183 --> 00:04:27,726 Whee-hee! 42 00:04:27,851 --> 00:04:29,728 Call the zoo! 43 00:04:33,315 --> 00:04:38,195 All the people at the zoo are very nice, penguin. 44 00:04:38,320 --> 00:04:41,823 They'll treat you real respectable, like. 45 00:04:43,242 --> 00:04:46,411 There's nothing to worry about, big fella. 46 00:04:48,330 --> 00:04:50,207 Here I come! 47 00:04:58,131 --> 00:05:02,261 Right this way, gentlemen. Mr Madison is expecting you. 48 00:05:06,014 --> 00:05:07,474 Leg. 49 00:05:09,935 --> 00:05:15,274 Billy! You shouldn't pull that crap in front of your father's business associates. 50 00:05:15,399 --> 00:05:19,152 Now you get yourself upstairs and get ready. Dinner's in 15 minutes. 51 00:05:19,319 --> 00:05:21,613 - Yeah, yeah. - Don't ''yeah, yeah'' me, boy. 52 00:05:21,738 --> 00:05:24,908 This is a very important dinner. You best be there. 53 00:05:25,075 --> 00:05:28,161 I will. Thank you, Juanita. 54 00:05:28,871 --> 00:05:32,374 You gotta dress yourself up and look nice, too. 55 00:05:32,499 --> 00:05:36,170 Oh, that boy's a fine piece of work all right. 56 00:05:37,629 --> 00:05:40,299 He's a fine piece of ass though, too. 57 00:05:47,764 --> 00:05:49,975 Where the hell is he? I'm starvin'. 58 00:05:50,100 --> 00:05:54,396 I ate some Triscuit crackers in the car. You should've had some. 59 00:05:54,563 --> 00:05:57,399 If you'd told me there were Triscuit crackers,... 60 00:05:57,524 --> 00:06:00,110 - ..I could've enjoyed them with you. - I'm sorry. 61 00:06:00,277 --> 00:06:03,906 Sorry doesn't put the Triscuit crackers in my stomach, does it, Carl? 62 00:06:04,072 --> 00:06:07,743 Gentlemen? I'm sorry to have kept you waiting. 63 00:06:07,910 --> 00:06:12,873 Have you all met? Eric Gordon, my executive vice president. 64 00:06:12,998 --> 00:06:17,711 And our operations manager Carl Alphonse. Sit down, gentlemen, sit down. 65 00:06:17,878 --> 00:06:19,838 Beautiful table. 66 00:06:19,963 --> 00:06:22,007 Good seeing you, sir. 67 00:06:25,469 --> 00:06:27,888 Where's Billy? 68 00:06:29,431 --> 00:06:32,100 Juanita said he'd be down in a few minutes. 69 00:06:32,226 --> 00:06:35,062 I'm sure you'll all be very impressed. 70 00:06:35,187 --> 00:06:39,900 Shampoo is better. I go on first and clean the hair. 71 00:06:40,067 --> 00:06:42,361 Conditioner is better. 72 00:06:42,528 --> 00:06:45,864 I leave the hair silky and smooth. 73 00:06:46,031 --> 00:06:48,450 Oh, really, fool? Really! 74 00:06:52,621 --> 00:06:54,665 Stop looking at me, swan. 75 00:07:06,051 --> 00:07:08,220 (slurps ) 76 00:07:20,107 --> 00:07:22,442 - Hey, Carl, what's up? - Nothing much, Billy. 77 00:07:22,609 --> 00:07:24,945 - I see you got a little sun today. - You think so? 78 00:07:25,112 --> 00:07:29,950 - I fell asleep by the pool for a few hours. - Did you fall asleep or did you pass out? 79 00:07:31,952 --> 00:07:34,204 Shut up! 80 00:07:34,371 --> 00:07:38,834 That's enough, Billy. Because you took your sweet-ass time coming down here,... 81 00:07:38,959 --> 00:07:41,170 ..these gentlemen will miss their flights. 82 00:07:41,336 --> 00:07:45,174 Well, this guy can stay in my room, I'll tell you that much. 83 00:07:51,972 --> 00:07:54,349 Billy? Eat your soup. 84 00:07:55,058 --> 00:07:56,768 It's good soup. 85 00:07:58,145 --> 00:08:01,315 Gentlemen, I can't thank you enough for coming this evening. 86 00:08:01,481 --> 00:08:03,901 (yells gibberish ) 87 00:08:04,067 --> 00:08:07,404 Please, Billy, please, no gibberish tonight, please. I beg you. 88 00:08:07,571 --> 00:08:09,573 Sorry, Daddy. 89 00:08:10,407 --> 00:08:14,536 This is a big night for me tonight, gents. I have an important announcement. 90 00:08:14,703 --> 00:08:16,955 (fast gibberish ) 91 00:08:17,122 --> 00:08:20,209 That's it, Billy! Get the hell outta here! 92 00:08:22,461 --> 00:08:24,755 (slow gibberish ) 93 00:08:33,013 --> 00:08:36,975 - Nice talkin' to you, Billy. - (singsong gibberish ) 94 00:08:38,101 --> 00:08:39,937 (yells ) 95 00:08:49,446 --> 00:08:51,448 Right. One, two, three! 96 00:08:54,076 --> 00:08:56,995 Hey, Billy, how come you ain't poundin' any tonight? 97 00:08:57,120 --> 00:09:01,416 I don't know. My dad was yellin' at me. I'm just not in the mood. 98 00:09:02,876 --> 00:09:08,549 Hey, Billy, who would you rather bone, Meg Ryan or Jack Nicholson? 99 00:09:08,715 --> 00:09:12,511 Jack Nicholson now, or 197 4? 100 00:09:12,678 --> 00:09:14,680 '7 4. 101 00:09:16,098 --> 00:09:18,308 - Meg Ryan. - Go. 102 00:09:18,475 --> 00:09:21,311 Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! 103 00:09:24,481 --> 00:09:26,733 Oh, my God! I am the winner! 104 00:09:26,900 --> 00:09:30,487 - Billy is not an idiot. - I'm not saying he's an idiot. 105 00:09:30,654 --> 00:09:35,242 I just think he might not be mature enough to run a Fortune 500 company. 106 00:09:36,326 --> 00:09:39,162 My late wife Emily and I started this company... 107 00:09:39,288 --> 00:09:42,416 ..with a 15-unit motel in Patchogue, Long Island. 108 00:09:42,583 --> 00:09:45,043 We built it into 650 hotels. 109 00:09:45,210 --> 00:09:50,048 Our dream was to one day turn it over to our only son Billy. 110 00:09:50,215 --> 00:09:53,677 - How many people work for Madison? - 61,000 and change. 111 00:09:53,844 --> 00:09:59,600 How long will they have jobs once Billy has the hotel operator speaking gibberish? 112 00:10:06,315 --> 00:10:08,192 Oh, Billy, Billy boy. 113 00:10:08,358 --> 00:10:12,070 When are you gonna find whatever it is you're lookin' for? 114 00:10:12,237 --> 00:10:14,656 Here's a nice piece of shit. 115 00:10:20,787 --> 00:10:24,666 My, oh, my. Wait till old man Clemens realises it's a bag of shit. 116 00:10:24,833 --> 00:10:27,878 He's gonna shit when he realises it's shit. 117 00:10:28,045 --> 00:10:30,589 Who got the lighter? 118 00:10:30,756 --> 00:10:32,758 Come on. 119 00:10:41,266 --> 00:10:43,268 Light it. 120 00:10:47,648 --> 00:10:49,650 (rings doorbell) 121 00:10:52,194 --> 00:10:54,696 Oh, my God! Old man Clemens hates shit! 122 00:10:54,863 --> 00:10:56,448 Shh. Here he comes! 123 00:10:56,615 --> 00:10:58,784 Who the hell is it? What do you want? 124 00:10:58,951 --> 00:11:01,745 Judas Priest, Barbara! One of those flaming bags again! 125 00:11:01,912 --> 00:11:04,581 (Barbara ) Don't put it out with your boots, Ted. 126 00:11:04,748 --> 00:11:07,042 Don't tell me my business, devil woman. 127 00:11:07,376 --> 00:11:10,921 Call the fire department. This one's outta control(!) 128 00:11:15,092 --> 00:11:17,094 (sniffs ) 129 00:11:19,888 --> 00:11:21,598 It's poop again! 130 00:11:21,723 --> 00:11:24,184 He called the shit ''poop''! 131 00:11:25,227 --> 00:11:28,021 This is the best night of my life! 132 00:11:28,146 --> 00:11:33,026 I'll get you damn kids for this! You're all gonna die! 133 00:11:35,946 --> 00:11:38,657 Billy, could you step in here for a moment? 134 00:11:38,824 --> 00:11:41,076 I have big news. 135 00:11:41,243 --> 00:11:45,164 Eric is pregnant! Congratulations, Dippy! 136 00:11:45,289 --> 00:11:48,917 Feel those kicks! He's gonna be a soccer player. He is. 137 00:11:49,042 --> 00:11:51,670 He is. 138 00:11:55,549 --> 00:11:57,801 All right, what's up? 139 00:11:57,968 --> 00:12:00,470 I've had to face some hard truths tonight, Billy. 140 00:12:00,596 --> 00:12:03,182 Do we have to do this with Captain Dipshit here? 141 00:12:03,307 --> 00:12:07,269 You were brought up with every advantage. I bought you everything. 142 00:12:07,394 --> 00:12:10,272 Toys, cars, vacations, clothes... 143 00:12:10,397 --> 00:12:12,858 Actually, I stole this shirt from Frank. 144 00:12:12,983 --> 00:12:17,070 Yeah, well, whatever. It's all my fault. I made a mistake. 145 00:12:17,196 --> 00:12:20,991 Jeez, what...? Are you some damned moron? 146 00:12:21,116 --> 00:12:23,577 Can't you just stop for two seconds? 147 00:12:23,702 --> 00:12:27,039 I'm trying to tell you that I'm retiring, and Eric, not you,... 148 00:12:27,164 --> 00:12:29,833 - ..is gonna take over Madison Hotels. - Eric?! 149 00:12:30,334 --> 00:12:34,254 You're gonna give the company to Eric? He is a bad, bad man! 150 00:12:34,379 --> 00:12:39,301 What do you care, Billy? What do you care who I appoint to run the company, huh? 151 00:12:39,426 --> 00:12:43,889 I mean, I'm doin' you a favour. You don't ever have to look for a job. 152 00:12:44,014 --> 00:12:49,102 You can sit around all day, goofing off, sipping drinks, chasing invisible penguins. 153 00:12:49,561 --> 00:12:52,898 Is that it, Dad? Did the penguin tell you to do this? 154 00:12:53,023 --> 00:12:55,150 - Penguin? - What an idiot. 155 00:12:55,275 --> 00:12:58,153 You know, I could help Billy until he gets the hang of it. 156 00:12:58,278 --> 00:13:02,950 I think crazy Carl is right. I mean, I can do this if I set my mind to it. 157 00:13:03,075 --> 00:13:05,536 High school was a pain in the ass, but I graduated. 158 00:13:05,661 --> 00:13:08,705 Because I paid your teachers to give you decent grades. 159 00:13:08,831 --> 00:13:11,875 I've regretted it every day since. I thought at the time... 160 00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:15,546 ..if you could get good grades, you might get into a good college... 161 00:13:15,671 --> 00:13:18,715 - ..and straighten yourself out. - I don't believe that. 162 00:13:18,841 --> 00:13:22,177 Well, what do you believe? That you were an honours student? 163 00:13:22,302 --> 00:13:27,683 How could I hand over my company to someone who couldn't even get through school on his own? 164 00:13:27,808 --> 00:13:31,311 I don't know. Don't think about it. Just hand it over. 165 00:13:33,355 --> 00:13:35,399 Forget it. 166 00:13:37,234 --> 00:13:40,988 Well, listen, don't you think you better go to bed? Big day tomorrow. 167 00:13:41,113 --> 00:13:45,868 A day filled with daiquiris and Nintendos and jack-off magazines... 168 00:13:48,495 --> 00:13:50,539 Dad! 169 00:13:51,373 --> 00:13:52,708 Yeah, what? 170 00:13:52,833 --> 00:13:55,669 Give me one more chance. I'll prove I can take over. 171 00:13:55,794 --> 00:14:00,382 I'll do anything it takes. I'll go back to high school and take the exams again. 172 00:14:00,507 --> 00:14:05,637 - I'll get my diploma all by myself. - Billy, Billy, it wasn't just high school. 173 00:14:05,762 --> 00:14:08,473 Remember that spelling bee you won in the first grade? 174 00:14:08,599 --> 00:14:11,518 - No, you didn't. - Rock. 175 00:14:11,643 --> 00:14:14,021 R-o-k. 176 00:14:14,146 --> 00:14:16,899 Yeah? So what's your point? 177 00:14:17,024 --> 00:14:20,444 - R-o-c-k! - The C is silent. 178 00:14:21,737 --> 00:14:23,906 OK, all right. 179 00:14:24,031 --> 00:14:28,619 All right, you got it. First grade through 12th grade all over again. 180 00:14:29,536 --> 00:14:34,124 I'll do each grade in two weeks, take the tests, regraduate,... 181 00:14:34,249 --> 00:14:40,047 ..prove to you I'm not an idiot, and then I get to take over Madison Hotels. 182 00:14:40,172 --> 00:14:42,216 That's some idea. 183 00:14:43,258 --> 00:14:46,803 - You just think of that? - Yeah, I did. It's pretty good, huh? 184 00:14:48,096 --> 00:14:51,183 Brian, don't you think the future of Madison Hotels... 185 00:14:51,308 --> 00:14:56,021 ..and its 61,000 employees is too important to gamble on a game like this? 186 00:14:56,146 --> 00:14:58,190 No. 187 00:14:59,525 --> 00:15:02,361 You're on. Carl, you make the arrangements. 188 00:15:03,487 --> 00:15:08,784 You pass every grade before June 15 and you take over instead of Eric. 189 00:15:10,244 --> 00:15:14,748 Have a nice weekend, son. You start school on Monday. 190 00:15:15,249 --> 00:15:16,458 Oh! 191 00:15:16,583 --> 00:15:18,627 Give 'em hell, Bill. 192 00:15:20,879 --> 00:15:25,217 Nice try, asswipe. But you're just delaying the inevitable. 193 00:15:29,096 --> 00:15:31,765 (~ 'I'll Tumble 4 Ya' by Culture Club ) 194 00:15:33,350 --> 00:15:37,437 ~ Downtown we'll drown, we're in our never splendour 195 00:15:37,563 --> 00:15:39,731 ~ Flowers, showers 196 00:15:39,857 --> 00:15:42,109 ~ Who's got the new boy gender? 197 00:15:42,234 --> 00:15:45,737 ~ I'll be your baby, I'll be your score 198 00:15:46,363 --> 00:15:49,366 ~ I'll run the gun for you and so much more 199 00:15:49,491 --> 00:15:51,118 ~ I'll tumble for ya 200 00:15:51,618 --> 00:15:53,245 ~ I'll tumble for ya 201 00:15:53,745 --> 00:15:57,875 ~ I'll tumble for ya, I'll tumble for you 202 00:15:58,000 --> 00:15:59,418 ~ I'll tumble for ya 203 00:16:00,127 --> 00:16:01,712 ~ I'll tumble for ya 204 00:16:02,254 --> 00:16:05,299 ~ I'll tumble for ya, I'll tumble 205 00:16:09,553 --> 00:16:13,473 ~ I get a crazy feeling that chases in my head 206 00:16:13,599 --> 00:16:17,311 ~ It's nothing that you do to me, it's nothing that you said 207 00:16:17,811 --> 00:16:19,605 Where's my Snack Pack? 208 00:16:19,730 --> 00:16:22,441 You've got a banana. You don't need no Snack Pack. 209 00:16:22,566 --> 00:16:26,069 You know I like Snack Pack. Why can't you give me a Snack Pack?! 210 00:16:26,195 --> 00:16:28,614 I thought I was your Snack Pack. 211 00:16:28,739 --> 00:16:30,991 - What are you talkin' about? - Nothin'. 212 00:16:31,658 --> 00:16:33,785 Bill, you're gonna miss the bus. 213 00:16:33,911 --> 00:16:36,872 Yeah, you better get your beautiful buns up that driveway. 214 00:16:36,997 --> 00:16:39,416 - What a weirdo! - (Juanita laughs ) 215 00:16:42,294 --> 00:16:44,963 ~ Oh, back to school 216 00:16:45,088 --> 00:16:46,673 ~ Back to school 217 00:16:46,798 --> 00:16:50,761 ~ To prove to Dad that I'm not a fool 218 00:16:50,886 --> 00:16:54,139 ~ I got my lunch packed up 219 00:16:54,264 --> 00:16:56,099 ~ My boots tied tight 220 00:16:56,225 --> 00:16:59,561 ~ I hope I don't get in a fight 221 00:17:00,145 --> 00:17:02,564 ~ Oh, back to school 222 00:17:02,689 --> 00:17:06,443 ~ Back to school, back to school... 223 00:17:09,988 --> 00:17:12,449 Well, here goes nothin'. 224 00:17:30,843 --> 00:17:32,886 Thank you, Daddy. 225 00:17:47,985 --> 00:17:49,945 - Hi. How you doin'? - Fine. 226 00:17:50,070 --> 00:17:52,155 Are you going to class today, too? 227 00:17:52,281 --> 00:17:54,992 I'll be going to class to teach. How about you? 228 00:17:55,284 --> 00:17:57,619 I'll be going to learn. 229 00:17:57,744 --> 00:18:00,706 Ah. You must be Billy Madison. 230 00:18:00,831 --> 00:18:02,082 Yes, I am. 231 00:18:02,207 --> 00:18:06,628 Don't you think it's pathetic that because of your father you get to do school again? 232 00:18:06,920 --> 00:18:09,673 - Yes, I do. - Well, as long as you know. 233 00:18:09,798 --> 00:18:11,842 Well, all right! 234 00:18:18,724 --> 00:18:20,767 (bell rings ) 235 00:18:26,732 --> 00:18:28,775 (children shrieking ) 236 00:18:32,863 --> 00:18:35,199 Hey, mister, guess what I had for breakfast. 237 00:18:35,324 --> 00:18:37,367 - What? - Beans. 238 00:18:42,623 --> 00:18:45,542 Scotty likes beans, don't you, Scotty? 239 00:18:46,919 --> 00:18:50,297 - Hey. How you doin'? - Let's involve the class. 240 00:18:50,422 --> 00:18:52,883 Quiet down, my special people. 241 00:18:55,511 --> 00:18:57,763 I want you all to meet... 242 00:18:57,888 --> 00:19:00,557 ..our new friend Billy. 243 00:19:00,682 --> 00:19:04,853 - Can everyone say hello to Billy? - Hello, Billy. 244 00:19:04,978 --> 00:19:06,605 Hi. 245 00:19:06,730 --> 00:19:11,026 Billy is going to be sharing our fun and learning for the next two weeks. 246 00:19:11,151 --> 00:19:15,364 Billy is special, just like each and every one of you. 247 00:19:15,948 --> 00:19:19,034 And what do we do to our special people? 248 00:19:26,208 --> 00:19:28,252 All right. All right. 249 00:19:31,880 --> 00:19:34,925 Billy, why don't you take a seat right up front here? 250 00:19:35,050 --> 00:19:38,762 And we can start story time. 251 00:19:40,013 --> 00:19:42,057 You got a misshaped head. 252 00:19:42,182 --> 00:19:44,226 Thank you. 253 00:19:48,438 --> 00:19:52,985 The Puppy Who Lost His Way by Chrissy Taylor. 254 00:19:54,611 --> 00:19:57,030 ''One fine morning... 255 00:19:57,155 --> 00:20:03,036 ..a puppy popped his puppy paws out of his puppy house.'' 256 00:20:03,162 --> 00:20:05,914 ''This was no ordinary puppy.'' 257 00:20:06,039 --> 00:20:11,211 ''This puppy was the happiest puppy in the whole world.'' 258 00:20:11,336 --> 00:20:17,718 ''In fact, his name was Happy. Happy looked through the bushes...'' 259 00:20:17,843 --> 00:20:22,014 '''I'll never let you get lost again', cried the little boy,... 260 00:20:22,139 --> 00:20:26,059 ..who was so happy that he gave Happy a kiss... 261 00:20:26,185 --> 00:20:29,062 ..on his wet little puppy nose.'' 262 00:20:30,063 --> 00:20:32,357 ''The end.'' 263 00:20:32,482 --> 00:20:37,029 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Miss Lippy. The part of the story I don't like... 264 00:20:37,154 --> 00:20:40,741 ..is that the little boy gave up looking for Happy after an hour. 265 00:20:40,866 --> 00:20:45,704 He didn't put posters up. He just sat on the porch like a goon and waited. 266 00:20:45,829 --> 00:20:50,292 That little boy's gotta think: you got a pet, you got a responsibility. 267 00:20:50,417 --> 00:20:54,129 If your dog gets lost, you don't look for an hour then call it quits. 268 00:20:54,254 --> 00:20:58,050 You get your ass out there and you find that fuckin' dog! 269 00:21:01,470 --> 00:21:05,599 I think it's time to play dodge ball. 270 00:21:21,657 --> 00:21:24,117 You're out! O'Doyle rules! 271 00:21:31,792 --> 00:21:34,044 (sitar music ) 272 00:21:47,307 --> 00:21:49,726 Billy. What are you doing back? 273 00:21:49,852 --> 00:21:51,895 I'm out. 274 00:21:52,980 --> 00:21:57,734 Well, that just means you stay off to the side until a new game starts. 275 00:21:57,860 --> 00:22:01,947 That's OK. I'm kinda tired anyway. I'll just sit here and colour or something. 276 00:22:02,072 --> 00:22:06,451 Billy, dodge-ball time is a special time. 277 00:22:06,577 --> 00:22:11,832 Not just for you boys and girls, but for Miss Lippy, too. So stay outside. 278 00:22:23,427 --> 00:22:25,345 (children ) Whoa! 279 00:22:25,470 --> 00:22:28,557 Now you're all in big, big trouble. 280 00:22:29,266 --> 00:22:31,935 (~ 'Beat on the Brat' by the Ramones ) 281 00:22:40,152 --> 00:22:41,737 You're out! 282 00:22:41,862 --> 00:22:43,614 Oh, yeah! 283 00:22:48,243 --> 00:22:49,536 (bell rings ) 284 00:22:49,661 --> 00:22:51,330 Lunchtime! 285 00:22:58,587 --> 00:23:01,256 I bet that Snack Pack's pretty good. 286 00:23:03,717 --> 00:23:06,970 Wanna trade me the rest of it for this banana? 287 00:23:08,388 --> 00:23:11,308 You know how badly I can beat you, right? 288 00:23:14,436 --> 00:23:18,148 Mortal Kombat on Sega Genesis is the best video game ever. 289 00:23:18,273 --> 00:23:22,694 I disagree. It's a very good game, but I think Donkey Kong is the best game ever. 290 00:23:22,819 --> 00:23:26,532 - Donkey Kong sucks. - You know somethin'? You suck. 291 00:23:28,617 --> 00:23:31,537 ~ Number one, number one 292 00:23:31,662 --> 00:23:34,248 ~ Now my song has just begun 293 00:23:34,373 --> 00:23:37,709 ~ With a rum tum taddelum, Old John Braddelum 294 00:23:37,835 --> 00:23:40,796 ~ Hey, what country folk we be 295 00:23:44,216 --> 00:23:47,261 ~ Number two, number two 296 00:23:47,386 --> 00:23:50,013 ~ Roosters crow, cock-a-doodle-doodle-doo 297 00:23:50,138 --> 00:23:53,600 ~ With a rum tum taddelum, Old John Braddelum 298 00:23:53,725 --> 00:23:57,020 ~ Hey, what countryfolk we be 299 00:24:00,232 --> 00:24:03,068 ~ Number three, number three 300 00:24:03,193 --> 00:24:05,612 ~ I like you and you like me 301 00:24:18,000 --> 00:24:22,129 Hey! That's very nice of you to pick up your little brother here at school. 302 00:24:22,254 --> 00:24:24,882 He's not my brother. He's my son. 303 00:24:26,049 --> 00:24:30,179 - You gotta be kiddin' me. - Mom, that's Billy. He's in my class. 304 00:24:30,304 --> 00:24:32,723 I heard he's retarded or something. 305 00:24:33,724 --> 00:24:35,267 (laughs ) 306 00:24:35,976 --> 00:24:39,813 Creative mind. Maybe someday he'll make Mommy and Daddy a lot of money. 307 00:24:39,938 --> 00:24:44,026 Daddy's in prison, and he won't be home for a long time. 308 00:24:44,151 --> 00:24:46,195 My dear Lord. 309 00:24:46,320 --> 00:24:50,449 Yeah! Yeah, well, I gotta get goin' right now. I gotta get on the bus. 310 00:24:50,574 --> 00:24:53,785 I ride the bus for the city and watch the bus drivers. 311 00:24:53,911 --> 00:24:56,872 This programme to make sure they turn the wheels right... 312 00:24:56,997 --> 00:24:59,249 Billy, you forgot your stuff. 313 00:25:05,839 --> 00:25:06,965 Come on, honey. 314 00:25:07,090 --> 00:25:09,551 Thank you very much, Miss Lippy! 315 00:25:13,680 --> 00:25:15,557 - (phone rings ) - Yes. 316 00:25:15,682 --> 00:25:20,020 - (secretary ) Brian Madison for you. - Tell him I'm out to lunch. 317 00:25:20,145 --> 00:25:22,272 Billy Madison. 318 00:25:22,397 --> 00:25:28,237 A buffoon. And yet a threat to my eventual takeover of this company. 319 00:25:28,362 --> 00:25:31,740 A menace. And what do we do with a menace? 320 00:25:31,865 --> 00:25:36,286 We eliminate it. We eliminate Billy Madison. 321 00:25:36,411 --> 00:25:38,914 - Tricia Labonte? - Here. 322 00:25:40,624 --> 00:25:42,876 - Scotty Logan? - Here. 323 00:25:44,419 --> 00:25:46,964 - Billy Madison? - (blows raspberry ) 324 00:25:48,006 --> 00:25:50,050 (laughing ) 325 00:25:59,685 --> 00:26:00,936 Hm... 326 00:26:25,502 --> 00:26:28,505 Hey. Look at all this milk. 327 00:26:28,630 --> 00:26:32,885 - You want some of this milk? - That milk belongs to that classroom. 328 00:26:33,010 --> 00:26:36,722 Oh. They don't gots to know about it. It could be our milk. 329 00:26:36,847 --> 00:26:39,725 No milk will ever be our milk. 330 00:26:40,601 --> 00:26:42,644 Ooh. That wasn't very nice. 331 00:26:42,769 --> 00:26:46,190 How 'bout you, sideburns? You want some of this milk? 332 00:26:46,315 --> 00:26:47,941 Rather have a beer. 333 00:27:21,016 --> 00:27:24,394 I drew the duck blue because I've never seen a blue duck before... 334 00:27:24,520 --> 00:27:27,606 ..and, to be honest with ya, I wanted to see a blue duck. 335 00:27:27,898 --> 00:27:30,984 Well, it's an excellent blue duck. 336 00:27:31,109 --> 00:27:35,072 Congratulations. You just passed the first grade. 337 00:27:35,197 --> 00:27:37,950 Oh, Miss Lippy, that's so great. 338 00:27:38,075 --> 00:27:40,202 What do you think of that, Mr Blue Duck? 339 00:27:40,327 --> 00:27:42,788 That's quack-tastic! 340 00:27:46,166 --> 00:27:48,627 Wow! Look at all that candy! 341 00:27:49,586 --> 00:27:51,296 Rolex! 342 00:27:54,508 --> 00:27:58,428 - Thanks for the watch, Billy. - You're welcome, buddy. 343 00:27:58,554 --> 00:28:04,393 This is great. When I graduated first grade all my father did was tell me to get a job. 344 00:28:04,518 --> 00:28:05,519 (braying ) 345 00:28:05,644 --> 00:28:09,523 Hey, you wanna feed that donkey some beer, get it all messed up? 346 00:28:09,648 --> 00:28:13,443 - Maybe later. - I'll go put some beer in a bucket. 347 00:28:13,569 --> 00:28:17,072 - OK. - Hey there, Mr Graduate. How's it goin'? 348 00:28:17,197 --> 00:28:19,241 (Eric ) Go! 349 00:28:22,578 --> 00:28:25,247 Come on, kid! Get up! Get up! 350 00:28:25,372 --> 00:28:27,958 You're humiliating yourself! Get up! 351 00:28:30,544 --> 00:28:32,588 Whoa, whoa, whoa... 352 00:28:35,674 --> 00:28:37,384 Aaah! 353 00:28:53,192 --> 00:28:57,237 So he's passed first grade and he's moved on to second. Whoop-de-do. 354 00:28:57,362 --> 00:28:59,698 Any more information, Rollo? 355 00:29:04,036 --> 00:29:06,246 Billy likes to drink soda. 356 00:29:09,625 --> 00:29:12,669 Miss Lippy's car is green. 357 00:29:15,631 --> 00:29:18,717 And now we have just two students left. 358 00:29:20,719 --> 00:29:22,554 Bath. 359 00:29:22,930 --> 00:29:25,057 Bath. 360 00:29:25,182 --> 00:29:29,645 B-a-t-h. 361 00:29:29,770 --> 00:29:31,980 - Bath. - Correct! 362 00:29:32,105 --> 00:29:36,360 Bath - that's a little easy. Why don't you just give her the trophy? 363 00:29:37,528 --> 00:29:39,154 Cheese. 364 00:29:41,156 --> 00:29:42,199 Cheese. 365 00:29:42,449 --> 00:29:49,456 C-h-e-e-s-e. 366 00:29:49,581 --> 00:29:51,875 - Cheese. - Correct. 367 00:29:53,502 --> 00:29:56,630 - Couch. - Couch. 368 00:29:58,799 --> 00:30:00,175 C... 369 00:30:00,300 --> 00:30:03,554 C-o... 370 00:30:04,680 --> 00:30:06,974 - W? - No! 371 00:30:07,307 --> 00:30:10,185 No, I'm sorry, that's not right. 372 00:30:10,310 --> 00:30:11,979 (laughs ) 373 00:30:12,104 --> 00:30:16,066 Well, Billy, if you spell this correctly, you pass second grade. 374 00:30:18,443 --> 00:30:19,778 Couch. 375 00:30:19,903 --> 00:30:21,947 C... 376 00:30:22,698 --> 00:30:24,324 Cou... 377 00:30:24,741 --> 00:30:26,326 Cou... 378 00:30:27,411 --> 00:30:29,454 C-o... 379 00:30:30,539 --> 00:30:34,668 R... Are you going to the mall later? That's what I'm asking. 380 00:30:34,793 --> 00:30:38,380 No, I am not going to the mall. Keep spelling, mister. 381 00:30:39,381 --> 00:30:41,425 C-o-u... 382 00:30:43,218 --> 00:30:45,345 ..c-h? 383 00:30:46,555 --> 00:30:48,473 Correct! 384 00:30:48,599 --> 00:30:51,685 I am the smartest man alive! 385 00:30:53,103 --> 00:30:55,647 (squealing ) 386 00:30:57,858 --> 00:31:01,278 Is he gonna have a stupid party every time he passes a grade? 387 00:31:02,029 --> 00:31:04,364 (Carl) Everybody's having a good time but you. 388 00:31:04,490 --> 00:31:06,950 Spoilt snot. Get outta here. 389 00:31:07,951 --> 00:31:12,956 Let me ask you something, Carl. You started here, what, 25 years ago? 390 00:31:13,081 --> 00:31:15,667 Night bellboy at the Philadelphia Madison? 391 00:31:15,792 --> 00:31:21,381 After all your hard work, how would you feel working for some punk kid like Billy? 392 00:31:22,049 --> 00:31:23,884 Could be worse. 393 00:31:27,262 --> 00:31:28,555 That's nice. 394 00:31:31,391 --> 00:31:34,228 Man, I'm so nervous. First and second grade were easy,... 395 00:31:34,353 --> 00:31:38,398 ..but social studies, division? This is gonna be tough. 396 00:31:40,359 --> 00:31:43,195 Man, I'm so nervous. First and second grade were easy,... 397 00:31:43,320 --> 00:31:46,198 ..but social studies, division? This is gonna be tough. 398 00:31:46,323 --> 00:31:48,534 Relax, dude. 399 00:31:49,660 --> 00:31:51,119 Jackpot. 400 00:31:51,245 --> 00:31:55,624 - Good morning, class. - Good morning, Miss Vaughn. 401 00:31:55,749 --> 00:32:00,921 We're gonna start today by reading a short story entitled ''My Sister Fanny''. 402 00:32:01,046 --> 00:32:03,006 Quiet. 403 00:32:03,131 --> 00:32:07,386 OK, so let's all open up our Reading is Fun books to page 69. 404 00:32:07,511 --> 00:32:09,555 69! 405 00:32:12,266 --> 00:32:15,102 Class, say hello to Billy Madison. 406 00:32:15,227 --> 00:32:18,564 Hello, Billy Madison. 407 00:32:18,689 --> 00:32:21,608 Billy is a nuisance. He will be gone in two weeks. 408 00:32:21,733 --> 00:32:24,820 I apologise for this inconvenience. 409 00:32:25,612 --> 00:32:28,866 - Jeez! What's up her butt? - What was that, Billy? 410 00:32:28,991 --> 00:32:32,077 I said ''Reading is good.'' 411 00:32:32,202 --> 00:32:34,663 Can we start the story now? 412 00:32:37,040 --> 00:32:39,084 Dan, you may begin. 413 00:32:39,960 --> 00:32:41,628 ''O... o... once... 414 00:32:41,753 --> 00:32:44,631 ..th... th... there w... was... 415 00:32:44,756 --> 00:32:47,301 ..a g... g... girl... 416 00:32:47,426 --> 00:32:49,511 ..who w...'' 417 00:32:49,636 --> 00:32:51,847 - He can't even read. - Cut it out, dude. 418 00:32:51,972 --> 00:32:54,433 You're gonna get us in trouble. 419 00:32:55,225 --> 00:32:57,853 ''..p... p... p... p...'' 420 00:32:57,978 --> 00:33:00,063 T... t... t... today, junior! 421 00:33:10,240 --> 00:33:13,285 Ow! You're tearing my ear off! 422 00:33:13,410 --> 00:33:18,248 Making fun of a kid for trying to read. Are you psycho? Do you not have a soul? 423 00:33:18,373 --> 00:33:21,919 I'm sorry. I can't hear you. I've been physically abused in the ear. 424 00:33:22,044 --> 00:33:27,007 Keep your mouth shut for the next two weeks or I'm gonna fail you. End of story. 425 00:33:27,132 --> 00:33:31,887 I see your lips movin', but I can't make out your words. I'm deaf. 426 00:33:33,514 --> 00:33:36,892 Oh, Veronica Vaughn. So hot. 427 00:33:37,017 --> 00:33:39,228 Want to touch the heinie. 428 00:33:39,353 --> 00:33:41,230 (howls ) 429 00:33:41,355 --> 00:33:45,150 So that girlie I've been chasin'? Turns out she's my third-grade teacher. 430 00:33:45,275 --> 00:33:47,820 First thing she does is kick me out of her class. 431 00:33:47,945 --> 00:33:50,864 Maybe she feels she has to make an example of you. 432 00:33:50,989 --> 00:33:54,076 - Or she's got somethin' up her ass. - That's what I said. 433 00:33:54,201 --> 00:33:56,703 - Poor Billy. - I'm so depressed. 434 00:33:57,579 --> 00:34:00,165 - Want me to take my shirt off for you? - No, thank you. 435 00:34:00,290 --> 00:34:03,961 OK, baby. But remember, the offer is on the table. 436 00:34:05,754 --> 00:34:09,633 Oh, yes. Oh, my. 437 00:34:09,758 --> 00:34:11,844 Oh, God, yes. 438 00:34:11,969 --> 00:34:14,221 - Lordy. - Billy Madison. 439 00:34:14,346 --> 00:34:15,472 Uh-huh? 440 00:34:15,597 --> 00:34:19,852 Would you like to try writing some words in cursive on the blackboard today? 441 00:34:19,977 --> 00:34:22,020 OK. Sure. 442 00:34:28,944 --> 00:34:30,988 OK, how about the word ''dugout''? 443 00:34:41,540 --> 00:34:43,876 OK, good. How about ''bunt''? 444 00:34:52,926 --> 00:34:56,305 Bunt. B-u-n-t. 445 00:34:56,430 --> 00:35:00,893 In perfect cursive. Any more brain-busters? 446 00:35:02,269 --> 00:35:04,313 Rizzuto. 447 00:35:11,069 --> 00:35:13,113 Z... Z... 448 00:35:22,122 --> 00:35:23,749 Rirruto? 449 00:35:24,833 --> 00:35:27,127 Those are Zs. 450 00:35:27,252 --> 00:35:29,171 They look like Rs to me. 451 00:35:29,296 --> 00:35:34,635 That's not fair! Rizzuto is not a word. He's a baseball player. You're cheating. 452 00:35:34,760 --> 00:35:37,137 Would you like to try the word ''buzz''? 453 00:35:37,262 --> 00:35:39,264 (children laugh ) 454 00:35:39,389 --> 00:35:42,226 I hate cursive and I hate all of you! 455 00:35:42,351 --> 00:35:44,853 I'm never comin' back to school! Never! 456 00:35:44,978 --> 00:35:47,272 (children laugh ) 457 00:35:51,401 --> 00:35:53,445 (Juanita ) Billy! 458 00:36:02,037 --> 00:36:04,206 I swear, I'm sick. I can't go to school. 459 00:36:04,331 --> 00:36:08,836 If you're gonna stay home today, you could help me shave my armpits. 460 00:36:08,961 --> 00:36:11,880 Oh, my God! I'll go to school. 461 00:36:15,634 --> 00:36:17,678 O'Doyle rules! 462 00:36:24,685 --> 00:36:29,439 - What's goin' on? - Miss Vaughn's sick. 463 00:36:31,024 --> 00:36:32,818 (teacher claps ) 464 00:36:32,943 --> 00:36:35,612 Please take your seats. 465 00:36:36,989 --> 00:36:40,450 - Who's that guy? - Principal Anderson. 466 00:36:43,704 --> 00:36:48,709 As you can tell, Miss Vaughn is not feeling well today, so I'll be taking her place. 467 00:36:48,834 --> 00:36:52,004 But don't get your hopes up, because I plan on teaching,... 468 00:36:52,129 --> 00:36:54,715 ..so I hope you plan on learning. 469 00:36:55,382 --> 00:37:00,304 Now, who can tell me where we are in our social-studies reader? 470 00:37:00,429 --> 00:37:02,431 Yes? 471 00:37:02,556 --> 00:37:04,141 Michael? 472 00:37:04,850 --> 00:37:07,311 Excuse me. What's that in your hand? 473 00:37:09,605 --> 00:37:11,940 Bring that note up to me. 474 00:37:12,065 --> 00:37:14,401 (class ) Ooh. 475 00:37:18,238 --> 00:37:21,950 Now let's see what couldn't wait till after class. 476 00:37:27,498 --> 00:37:31,752 ''We're so lucky to have Principal Anderson substituting.'' 477 00:37:33,003 --> 00:37:38,175 ''Now we have the privilege of staring at that tub of lard all day long''? 478 00:37:39,551 --> 00:37:44,431 ''If I were him, I would walk my fat ass right into oncoming traffic.'' 479 00:37:47,935 --> 00:37:51,480 Oh, man, Billy, I just thought of the funniest thing. 480 00:37:52,231 --> 00:37:54,274 Billy? 481 00:37:55,651 --> 00:37:59,613 - Where's Billy? - He's in school, man. 482 00:37:59,738 --> 00:38:00,989 Oh, yeah. 483 00:38:22,469 --> 00:38:25,305 (~ 'I'm Not the One' by the Cars ) 484 00:38:25,430 --> 00:38:27,516 ~ I'm not the one 485 00:38:28,392 --> 00:38:31,270 ~ That you'll be shootin' for 486 00:38:31,395 --> 00:38:33,438 ~ I'm not the one 487 00:38:34,481 --> 00:38:36,984 ~ Who's coming back for more 488 00:38:37,109 --> 00:38:40,529 ~ You know why 489 00:38:40,654 --> 00:38:42,990 ~ We've been through this too many times 490 00:38:43,115 --> 00:38:45,993 ~ You know why 491 00:38:46,118 --> 00:38:49,580 ~ It's never clear it's pantomime 492 00:38:52,166 --> 00:38:56,712 I don't wanna sound like a weirdo, but I kinda missed Miss Vaughn today. 493 00:38:56,837 --> 00:38:59,756 - Why? Do you like her or something? - No! 494 00:38:59,882 --> 00:39:02,926 - Why? Did she say she likes me? - Not to me. 495 00:39:03,051 --> 00:39:05,721 Well, let's find out. 496 00:39:17,691 --> 00:39:20,277 Uh, hello? 497 00:39:20,402 --> 00:39:22,529 Um, is this Miss Vaughn? 498 00:39:22,654 --> 00:39:24,573 Oh, hi. It's Ernie from class. 499 00:39:24,698 --> 00:39:27,618 (whispers ) Ask her if she has a boyfriend. 500 00:39:27,743 --> 00:39:31,246 Uh, Miss Vaughn, do you have a boyfriend? 501 00:39:33,332 --> 00:39:35,125 (whispers ) No. 502 00:39:35,751 --> 00:39:37,419 - Ask her... - Shh! 503 00:39:37,544 --> 00:39:41,757 Ask her if she likes anybody from class, like, more than a friend. 504 00:39:42,716 --> 00:39:47,262 Uh, Miss Vaughn, do you like anybody in class more than a friend? 505 00:39:52,017 --> 00:39:54,061 (whispers ) No. 506 00:39:55,062 --> 00:39:58,273 Ask her if she would ever go out with somebody from class. 507 00:39:58,398 --> 00:40:00,359 - No! - Just do it! 508 00:40:02,152 --> 00:40:06,490 Um, Miss Vaughn, would you ever go out with anybody from class? 509 00:40:07,407 --> 00:40:09,243 Uh-huh. 510 00:40:09,993 --> 00:40:12,162 Uh-huh. 511 00:40:12,287 --> 00:40:15,624 You see, Ernie, grown-ups like to go out with other grown-ups. 512 00:40:15,749 --> 00:40:19,044 - What about Billy? - You're more of a grown-up than Billy. 513 00:40:19,169 --> 00:40:21,713 - I'll give you a grown-up. - What was that, Ernie? 514 00:40:21,839 --> 00:40:26,093 (high-pitched) Nothing. See you tomorrow in class, Miss Vaughn. 515 00:40:26,218 --> 00:40:28,262 You blew it! 516 00:40:33,892 --> 00:40:38,564 Hey, I dare you to throw your sandwich at the bus driver. 517 00:40:39,022 --> 00:40:42,025 (children ) Do it. Come on. 518 00:40:44,361 --> 00:40:45,904 Hey! 519 00:40:46,029 --> 00:40:48,490 Hey, who threw that? 520 00:40:50,534 --> 00:40:52,995 I'll turn this damn bus around. 521 00:40:53,120 --> 00:40:57,916 That'll end your precious little field trip pretty damn quick, huh? 522 00:40:59,168 --> 00:41:01,211 Bullshit. 523 00:41:08,051 --> 00:41:12,181 Hey, I'm tryin' to score points with the teacher today. Don't screw it up! 524 00:41:12,306 --> 00:41:15,434 I dare you to touch her boobs. 525 00:41:15,559 --> 00:41:18,645 Touch her boobs? That's assault, brother. 526 00:41:22,900 --> 00:41:25,027 Ya double-dare me? 527 00:41:31,742 --> 00:41:34,495 Miss Vaughn, how long till we get there? 528 00:41:34,620 --> 00:41:38,373 - I have to go to the bathroom. - Probably about two minutes. 529 00:41:39,124 --> 00:41:42,669 Sorry about that. Damn guy drives like an animal. 530 00:41:43,670 --> 00:41:47,049 That's all right, Billy. Why don't you go back and sit down now? 531 00:41:47,174 --> 00:41:49,384 - OK. - I double-dare you. 532 00:41:49,510 --> 00:41:52,095 Da... I... Accident... 533 00:41:52,221 --> 00:41:54,348 Mistake... Tit... 534 00:41:54,473 --> 00:41:56,934 - Go sit down now. - Yes. 535 00:41:57,059 --> 00:41:59,102 (children giggle ) 536 00:42:04,066 --> 00:42:07,778 Yeah, here we go again. Another treat from the road. 537 00:42:07,903 --> 00:42:11,698 Grand, ripe banana. Trick of the day. Great... 538 00:42:15,994 --> 00:42:19,540 (woman ) What is a horseshoe? What does a horseshoe do? 539 00:42:19,665 --> 00:42:21,875 Are there any horse socks? 540 00:42:22,000 --> 00:42:24,044 Is anybody listening to me? 541 00:42:24,169 --> 00:42:27,047 Anyways, I am sorry about what happened back there,... 542 00:42:27,172 --> 00:42:30,467 ..but you have to admit, I've been tryin' to be good lately. 543 00:42:30,592 --> 00:42:33,929 Well, you're not the first person that's tried to grab my chest. 544 00:42:34,054 --> 00:42:37,766 I'm trying not to hold you to a higher standard than the rest of the students. 545 00:42:37,891 --> 00:42:40,644 Although maybe I should. You are, what, 50? 546 00:42:40,769 --> 00:42:45,774 No, but the other kids look up to me. I don't want them to think I'm a coward. 547 00:42:45,899 --> 00:42:50,737 Don't worry about it. Next week you're gonna have another teacher to annoy. 548 00:42:50,863 --> 00:42:55,534 I don't want to annoy another teacher, Miss Vaughn. I want to annoy you. 549 00:42:55,659 --> 00:42:59,621 - Miss Vaughn! - Somebody stole all our lunches. 550 00:43:00,664 --> 00:43:02,708 Who would steal 30 bagged lunches? 551 00:43:10,507 --> 00:43:13,051 I'll tell you who took those lunches. 552 00:43:13,177 --> 00:43:15,429 That damn sasquatch. 553 00:43:16,597 --> 00:43:20,726 Well, I guess that's it. OK, everybody! Back on the bus! 554 00:43:20,851 --> 00:43:24,771 - Hey, what's with Ernie? - I don't know. I'll be right back. 555 00:43:27,274 --> 00:43:29,318 Hey, Ernie, what's up? 556 00:43:30,402 --> 00:43:32,446 Nothing. 557 00:43:33,363 --> 00:43:37,075 You fallen in love with the wall or somethin'? 558 00:43:37,201 --> 00:43:40,287 - I had an accident. - An accident. What does that mean? 559 00:43:40,412 --> 00:43:41,705 Ooh! 560 00:43:42,498 --> 00:43:44,333 Oh, I know. OK. Uh... 561 00:43:47,920 --> 00:43:51,590 Don't worry, buddy. You hang tight. I'll be right back. 562 00:43:59,264 --> 00:44:02,267 Hey, look, everybody! Billy peed his pants! 563 00:44:02,392 --> 00:44:07,231 Of course I peed my pants. Everybody my age pees their pants. It's the coolest. 564 00:44:07,356 --> 00:44:09,149 - Really? - Yes! 565 00:44:09,274 --> 00:44:13,111 You ain't cool unless you pee your pants. 566 00:44:13,237 --> 00:44:16,657 - Wow. - Hey, man, Ernie peed his pants too. 567 00:44:18,200 --> 00:44:19,785 All right! 568 00:44:23,330 --> 00:44:28,252 If peeing your pants is cool, consider me Miles Davis. 569 00:44:28,377 --> 00:44:29,628 Oh! 570 00:44:29,795 --> 00:44:34,508 That was the grossest thing I've ever heard in my life! Let's go! 571 00:44:34,633 --> 00:44:36,927 Get on the bus here. 572 00:44:37,052 --> 00:44:39,179 Move it. Get up there, Kyle. 573 00:44:39,304 --> 00:44:41,431 One, two, five, seven. 574 00:44:41,557 --> 00:44:45,143 Move it or lose it. Get on the b... 575 00:44:45,269 --> 00:44:47,729 Hi, Miss Vaughn. Nice to see ya. 576 00:44:55,529 --> 00:45:00,909 That Veronica Vaughn is one piece of ass. 577 00:45:02,035 --> 00:45:06,373 I know from experience, dude, if you know what I mean. 578 00:45:06,498 --> 00:45:08,458 No, you don't. 579 00:45:08,584 --> 00:45:13,297 Well, not me personally, but a guy I know. Him and her got it on. 580 00:45:13,422 --> 00:45:15,465 Whoo-ee! 581 00:45:16,091 --> 00:45:18,343 No, they didn't. 582 00:45:18,468 --> 00:45:20,929 No, no, no, they didn't. 583 00:45:21,054 --> 00:45:24,975 But you can imagine what it'd be like if they did, right? Huh? 584 00:45:31,857 --> 00:45:35,360 Everybody on? Good, great, grand, wonderful! 585 00:45:36,528 --> 00:45:39,448 No yelling on the bus! 586 00:45:39,573 --> 00:45:43,410 ~ Billy passed the third grade 587 00:45:43,535 --> 00:45:47,539 ~ Oh, what a glorious day 588 00:45:47,664 --> 00:45:51,335 ~ Oh, passin' third grade 589 00:45:51,502 --> 00:45:55,422 ~ The Billy Madison way 590 00:45:55,589 --> 00:45:57,341 Yeah! 591 00:45:57,466 --> 00:45:59,676 Rock on! Yes! 592 00:46:10,562 --> 00:46:12,481 (boy ) Stop it. 593 00:46:13,106 --> 00:46:18,153 Who are you? I don't even know you. Go away, mister. Stop it. 594 00:46:18,278 --> 00:46:20,322 - Are you OK? - Yeah. 595 00:46:24,409 --> 00:46:27,704 - Look! She came! - And she came too. 596 00:46:45,097 --> 00:46:47,558 The mucus queen is yours. 597 00:46:49,184 --> 00:46:50,185 Thanks. 598 00:46:50,310 --> 00:46:52,354 Hi! 599 00:46:53,564 --> 00:46:56,859 Oh, gosh. Oh, thank you. 600 00:47:01,238 --> 00:47:02,781 Oh, my God! 601 00:47:03,866 --> 00:47:06,326 Snack Pack! You're the coolest! 602 00:47:06,493 --> 00:47:10,330 - Those should last you the weekend. - Thank you very much. 603 00:47:10,497 --> 00:47:13,458 - Billy is on the right track. - He's on track all right. 604 00:47:13,584 --> 00:47:16,253 He's headed right down the toilet. 605 00:47:17,963 --> 00:47:20,007 Easy. 606 00:47:21,383 --> 00:47:23,594 You still don't think he's gonna make it? 607 00:47:23,760 --> 00:47:28,056 Trust me, Carl, baby. I know he's not gonna make it. 608 00:47:28,182 --> 00:47:30,642 Would you excuse me for a second? 609 00:47:33,145 --> 00:47:36,148 Who will help me destroy Billy Madison? 610 00:47:36,273 --> 00:47:38,317 Who? 611 00:47:56,126 --> 00:48:00,047 You know, that was really sweet, the way you helped Ernie out yesterday. 612 00:48:00,172 --> 00:48:03,300 He would have done the same for me. 613 00:48:03,425 --> 00:48:06,386 So what's it like being back in school? 614 00:48:06,512 --> 00:48:09,056 I don't know. I kinda feel like an idiot sometimes. 615 00:48:09,223 --> 00:48:12,309 Although I am an idiot, so it kinda works out. 616 00:48:13,352 --> 00:48:16,772 Is it just you and your dad in here? 617 00:48:16,897 --> 00:48:21,693 Well, actually, no. There's Juanita, and some maids and butlers and stuff. 618 00:48:21,819 --> 00:48:24,947 And people who work for my dad are always stoppin' by. 619 00:48:25,072 --> 00:48:29,493 And my friends are always sleepin' over, even when I didn't ask 'em to. 620 00:48:29,618 --> 00:48:32,704 - Sounds like a hotel. - It kinda is. It can be distracting. 621 00:48:32,871 --> 00:48:35,332 That's why I moved out here. 622 00:48:47,177 --> 00:48:49,137 Wow. 623 00:48:49,263 --> 00:48:52,266 This is where I've been spending most of my time lately. 624 00:48:52,432 --> 00:48:54,893 Not exactly roughing it, are you? 625 00:49:00,274 --> 00:49:03,777 Those are, uh... They come with the tent, so... 626 00:49:09,324 --> 00:49:13,495 Oh, wow. A Tale of Two Cities. I don't think we're up to that one yet. 627 00:49:13,620 --> 00:49:17,124 I can understand nine words in that book now. 628 00:49:20,335 --> 00:49:24,256 So, it's, um... the last day of third grade. 629 00:49:25,299 --> 00:49:29,219 And you have the teacher, alone, in your tent. 630 00:49:30,137 --> 00:49:32,598 What do you wanna do? 631 00:49:33,432 --> 00:49:37,811 Well, I can think of three things I'd like to do. 632 00:49:37,936 --> 00:49:42,232 One would involve some ice cubes and a nine-iron. 633 00:49:43,650 --> 00:49:46,820 - Two would include a buffalo. - Really? 634 00:49:46,987 --> 00:49:52,326 Live or stuffed. Preferably stuffed, for safety's sake. 635 00:49:52,451 --> 00:49:55,454 Three: we'd bring back some of those ice cubes,... 636 00:49:55,621 --> 00:49:58,707 ..but switch it over to a pitching wedge. 637 00:49:59,500 --> 00:50:01,960 How you guys doin'? 638 00:50:03,420 --> 00:50:07,090 Hey! Carl! Good to see you! 639 00:50:09,927 --> 00:50:12,471 This is Veronica, my teacher. That's Carl. 640 00:50:12,638 --> 00:50:16,391 Very pleased to meet you. Bill, I think Eric is up to something. 641 00:50:16,558 --> 00:50:19,311 - Who's Eric? - He works for my dad too. 642 00:50:19,436 --> 00:50:22,356 He gets the company if I screw up. He's a douchebag. 643 00:50:22,523 --> 00:50:26,985 He made some menacing comments to me, and then he did that little weasel laugh. 644 00:50:27,152 --> 00:50:31,281 - Yeah. How does that laugh go again? - You know. (laughs ) 645 00:50:32,032 --> 00:50:34,868 - Very good. It sounded just like him. - Thanks. 646 00:50:34,993 --> 00:50:37,996 Well, I'm sure he's got something up his sleeve. 647 00:50:38,121 --> 00:50:39,748 - Thanks, buddy. - No problem. 648 00:50:40,499 --> 00:50:42,376 (~ 'ABC' by the Jackson 5) 649 00:50:44,628 --> 00:50:46,755 ~ You went to school to learn, girl 650 00:50:46,880 --> 00:50:49,800 ~ Things you never, never knew before... 651 00:50:50,884 --> 00:50:54,847 (teacher ) The most densely populated part of the US is along the eastern seaboard. 652 00:50:55,013 --> 00:50:59,142 We're gonna talk about why that is over the next few minutes. 653 00:50:59,309 --> 00:51:03,522 We all know what a census is, don't we? That's like taking a census... 654 00:51:07,276 --> 00:51:09,987 You know, yeah. Pick it up and gimme... 655 00:51:10,112 --> 00:51:12,072 You want some of this? 656 00:51:12,239 --> 00:51:14,700 Oh, my dear Lord! 657 00:51:14,825 --> 00:51:18,412 You never leave me open, son, cos I'm gonna hit it every time. 658 00:51:18,537 --> 00:51:21,290 You want some more of that? I didn't think so! 659 00:51:22,332 --> 00:51:26,461 ~ Reading, writing, arithmetic are the branches of the learning tree 660 00:51:26,628 --> 00:51:29,882 ~ But without the roots of love every day, girl 661 00:51:30,007 --> 00:51:32,384 ~ Your education ain't complete 662 00:51:32,509 --> 00:51:34,887 ~ Teacher's gonna show you 663 00:51:35,053 --> 00:51:37,014 ~ How to get an A 664 00:51:37,139 --> 00:51:40,142 ~ How to spell 'me', 'you' and add the two 665 00:51:40,309 --> 00:51:42,603 ~ Listen to me, baby, that's all you gotta do 666 00:51:42,769 --> 00:51:44,229 ~ ABC 667 00:51:44,396 --> 00:51:46,773 ~ It's easy as 1-2-3 668 00:51:47,024 --> 00:51:50,444 ~ As simple as do-re-mi, ABC... 669 00:52:19,640 --> 00:52:22,392 (belches the alphabet ) 670 00:52:26,605 --> 00:52:28,982 All right, stop before I throw up. 671 00:52:29,149 --> 00:52:32,486 Hey, Billy, you wanna go play soccer with us after school? 672 00:52:32,611 --> 00:52:35,864 No, I got a test on Friday. I'll play with you guys next week. 673 00:52:35,989 --> 00:52:39,076 - Next week you'll be in ninth grade. - Yeah, high school. 674 00:52:39,201 --> 00:52:40,327 Oh, yeah. 675 00:52:40,494 --> 00:52:45,207 You aren't gonna wanna hang round with a bunch of dumb elementary-school kids. 676 00:52:45,457 --> 00:52:48,961 That's not true. I'll come and visit you guys all the time. 677 00:52:49,211 --> 00:52:51,255 Yeah, to see your girlfriend. 678 00:52:51,421 --> 00:52:53,298 (boys ) Whooo! 679 00:52:54,758 --> 00:52:56,552 (cackling ) 680 00:52:56,718 --> 00:53:00,389 Have some more Sloppy Joes. 681 00:53:01,765 --> 00:53:05,018 I made 'em extra sloppy for yous. 682 00:53:07,813 --> 00:53:11,483 I know how yous kids like 'em sloppy. 683 00:53:12,609 --> 00:53:15,028 Lady, you're scarin' us. 684 00:53:41,346 --> 00:53:46,059 - Do you know where the bathroom is? - Second door on the left. 685 00:53:49,688 --> 00:53:53,400 Hey, tubby, how about a little bathroom reading? 686 00:53:53,567 --> 00:53:57,196 I have the August 1983 issue of Wrestling World here. 687 00:53:58,447 --> 00:54:02,659 There's a terrific article about a wrestler named the Revolting Blob. 688 00:54:04,411 --> 00:54:08,540 Gee, you know somethin'? He kinda looks like someone I know. 689 00:54:09,750 --> 00:54:12,669 - Where'd you get that? - I have a subscription. 690 00:54:12,836 --> 00:54:18,425 Bad guy. He threw one opponent out of the ring and hit a bunch of senior citizens. 691 00:54:20,052 --> 00:54:22,971 Boy, this wacko looks familiar. 692 00:54:23,096 --> 00:54:26,767 What do I care about some stupid phoney wrestling guy? 693 00:54:26,934 --> 00:54:28,894 My God. 694 00:54:29,019 --> 00:54:33,816 In June 1983 he sat on some guy's head and killed him. 695 00:54:33,982 --> 00:54:36,109 It was just a stunt! 696 00:54:36,276 --> 00:54:39,655 He was supposed to pinch my leg if he was running short of air. 697 00:54:39,822 --> 00:54:44,451 With this guy sitting on everyone's head, I wonder how he got his teaching degree? 698 00:54:44,618 --> 00:54:46,328 No! 699 00:54:46,453 --> 00:54:50,499 No, you can't do that to me. Those kids are my whole life! 700 00:54:50,666 --> 00:54:55,504 So you wouldn't want anything to happen that would make 'em think less of you? 701 00:54:55,671 --> 00:54:57,297 Max? 702 00:54:58,257 --> 00:55:00,092 Max? 703 00:55:00,259 --> 00:55:02,427 You ready to cooperate with me? 704 00:55:02,594 --> 00:55:04,471 Yes. 705 00:55:04,638 --> 00:55:07,307 Then Madison Hotels is as good as mine! 706 00:55:19,695 --> 00:55:21,697 (rock music from car ) 707 00:55:43,719 --> 00:55:46,138 (laughter ) 708 00:55:47,931 --> 00:55:50,100 - (student ) Nice shirt. - Yeah. Yep. 709 00:55:50,267 --> 00:55:52,269 (bell rings ) 710 00:55:57,858 --> 00:56:03,489 Now the cell's happy. But other molecules are saying ''We'd like some energy too.'' 711 00:56:03,655 --> 00:56:09,620 And it uses its own pigment molecule, chlorophyll, to carry out the action. 712 00:56:09,786 --> 00:56:13,081 This does not make the ribosomes happy. 713 00:56:14,374 --> 00:56:17,252 And poor chlorophyll is caught in the middle of this. 714 00:56:17,419 --> 00:56:21,006 Chlorophyll? More like ''bore-ophyll''! 715 00:56:22,466 --> 00:56:24,468 Right? 716 00:56:27,095 --> 00:56:31,517 - Jeez, a little bit stuffy in here, huh? - Don't talk to me. 717 00:56:31,683 --> 00:56:34,353 - And why is that? - Because you're a loser. 718 00:56:34,520 --> 00:56:38,649 (teacher ) ..from these ribosomes. And chlorophyll helps the chloroplast... 719 00:56:38,774 --> 00:56:41,068 No, I will not make out with you! 720 00:56:42,110 --> 00:56:45,781 Did you hear that? This girl wants to make out with me in the middle of class! 721 00:56:45,948 --> 00:56:49,034 You got ''chlorophyll man'' up there talkin' about God knows what. 722 00:56:49,201 --> 00:56:54,248 All she's talking about is makin' out with me. I'm here to learn, not to make out. 723 00:56:54,414 --> 00:56:56,625 Go on with the chlorophyll. 724 00:57:01,129 --> 00:57:03,131 O'Doyle rules. 725 00:57:03,882 --> 00:57:06,718 Thanks a lot, O'Doyle. Nice meetin' you. 726 00:57:07,761 --> 00:57:09,763 (giggling ) 727 00:57:11,265 --> 00:57:14,142 - Wait till they start with the wedgies. - Yeah. 728 00:57:14,309 --> 00:57:18,522 You oughta start cutting your underwear before you get to school. So it rips easier. 729 00:57:18,647 --> 00:57:20,691 I see. Who are you guys? 730 00:57:20,858 --> 00:57:23,777 The guys everybody used to pick on before you started here. 731 00:57:23,944 --> 00:57:28,782 No, they ain't pickin' on me. They're givin' me a hard time cos I'm the new guy. 732 00:57:28,949 --> 00:57:30,868 A little first-day hazing. 733 00:57:31,034 --> 00:57:35,664 - Are you in loser denial or something? - I had a bad case of loser denial myself. 734 00:57:35,831 --> 00:57:38,792 Till the lacrosse team stuck a parking cone up my ass. 735 00:57:39,293 --> 00:57:43,338 Loser? I ain't no loser. I was the king of this high school. 736 00:57:43,463 --> 00:57:46,758 A hundred friends, a million parties... 737 00:57:46,925 --> 00:57:49,219 You guys are losers, not me. 738 00:57:51,388 --> 00:57:54,266 And that is what a prime number is. 739 00:57:54,433 --> 00:57:56,602 (children ) Billy! 740 00:57:56,768 --> 00:58:00,063 I figured I got fourth period off, I'd shoot down and say hi. 741 00:58:00,189 --> 00:58:03,066 - How's high school, Billy? - Yeah, how's high school? 742 00:58:03,192 --> 00:58:07,196 High school is great. I mean, I'm learning a lot. 743 00:58:07,321 --> 00:58:11,867 And all the kids are treating me very nice. It's great. 744 00:58:12,034 --> 00:58:15,037 Gee, I can't wait till I go to high school. 745 00:58:16,497 --> 00:58:18,749 Don't you say that. 746 00:58:18,874 --> 00:58:21,627 Don't you ever say that. 747 00:58:21,752 --> 00:58:23,879 Stay here. 748 00:58:24,004 --> 00:58:26,965 Stay as long as you can. 749 00:58:27,090 --> 00:58:30,469 For the love of God, cherish it. 750 00:58:30,594 --> 00:58:33,096 (Veronica ) Jennifer, why don't you read out loud? 751 00:58:33,222 --> 00:58:35,974 You gotta cherish it. 752 00:58:36,099 --> 00:58:38,185 You do. 753 00:58:38,310 --> 00:58:39,937 Hm. 754 00:58:44,066 --> 00:58:45,984 I don't understand it. 755 00:58:46,109 --> 00:58:50,364 I mean, ten years ago high school was the greatest. I had so much fun. 756 00:58:50,489 --> 00:58:53,492 I guess a little too much fun, since you've gotta do it again. 757 00:58:53,617 --> 00:58:59,331 I know. It's just that classes are so hard, and all the kids treat me like I'm a goof. 758 00:59:00,123 --> 00:59:02,417 Well, you are a goof. 759 00:59:02,543 --> 00:59:06,004 Suck it up. Eight more weeks and you're all set. 760 00:59:06,129 --> 00:59:08,799 Yeah, you're right. You're so smart. 761 00:59:11,844 --> 00:59:13,887 - I gotta go, OK? - OK. 762 00:59:14,805 --> 00:59:16,431 Billy, wait. 763 00:59:17,182 --> 00:59:20,269 It doesn't feel so great to be called a loser, does it? 764 00:59:20,602 --> 00:59:21,478 No. 765 00:59:21,603 --> 00:59:24,148 Maybe the first time you went to high school,... 766 00:59:24,273 --> 00:59:28,902 ..you weren't as nice to the kids that you thought were losers. 767 00:59:29,027 --> 00:59:32,322 I know what you're sayin'. You're so smart. 768 00:59:42,332 --> 00:59:44,376 (phone rings ) 769 00:59:47,254 --> 00:59:48,255 Hello? 770 00:59:48,463 --> 00:59:51,633 - Hi. Is this Danny McGrath? - Yeah. 771 00:59:51,758 --> 00:59:55,262 The Danny McGrath that graduated from Knibb High School in 1984? 772 00:59:55,971 --> 01:00:00,267 - Uh, yeah. Who's this? - This is Billy Madison. 773 01:00:00,392 --> 01:00:04,605 You probably don't remember me, but I went to high school with you. 774 01:00:04,730 --> 01:00:07,232 I kinda gave you a hard time back then,... 775 01:00:07,357 --> 01:00:11,069 ..and I did some things that I thought were funny at the time,... 776 01:00:11,195 --> 01:00:14,573 ..but now I realise they were just mean and stupid. 777 01:00:14,698 --> 01:00:18,327 And I just wanted to apologise, and I hope you forgive me. 778 01:00:19,119 --> 01:00:21,288 Yeah, sure. Don't worry about it. 779 01:00:21,872 --> 01:00:24,583 Wow! That's great! 780 01:00:24,708 --> 01:00:27,794 Well, I am sorry, and maybe we can get together some time... 781 01:00:27,920 --> 01:00:29,963 ..and have coffee or somethin'. 782 01:00:30,547 --> 01:00:33,884 - Sure, I'd like that. - OK. Well, I'll see you around. 783 01:00:34,009 --> 01:00:36,053 OK. Bye. 784 01:00:36,178 --> 01:00:40,098 (~ 'Telephone Line' by Electric Light Orchestra ) 785 01:01:12,506 --> 01:01:14,508 Speak for yourself, moron. 786 01:01:16,093 --> 01:01:18,595 Oh, my God! That is funny! 787 01:01:18,720 --> 01:01:23,767 Next.: the shocking story of power and corruption involving a hotel tycoon. 788 01:01:23,892 --> 01:01:28,897 How his 27-year-old millionaire son cheated his way through school. 789 01:01:29,022 --> 01:01:32,734 - What the hell...? - Now, now. Maybe it's somebody else. 790 01:01:34,778 --> 01:01:36,822 My name is Max Anderson,... 791 01:01:36,947 --> 01:01:42,536 ..and I am the principal at the Polly Fector Elementary School. 792 01:01:42,661 --> 01:01:46,623 Recently a young man named Billy Madison was enrolled there. 793 01:01:46,748 --> 01:01:50,335 During that time Mr Madison was disruptive. 794 01:01:50,460 --> 01:01:55,382 The only reason he passed was that he offered me a bribe of $5,000,... 795 01:01:55,507 --> 01:01:58,051 .. which I regrettably accepted. 796 01:01:59,094 --> 01:02:00,554 I'm sorry, Billy. 797 01:02:00,679 --> 01:02:05,309 (reporter ) That was Principal Anderson of Polly Fector Elementary School. 798 01:02:05,434 --> 01:02:07,728 Dad! He's lyin'! 799 01:02:08,896 --> 01:02:12,524 You made a fool out of me. This was a mistake from the beginning. 800 01:02:12,649 --> 01:02:15,944 Brian, I got some interim forecasts for you to... 801 01:02:17,279 --> 01:02:20,365 - Why is everybody so glum? - You seriously don't believe me? 802 01:02:20,491 --> 01:02:24,328 That's right. I seriously don't believe you. 803 01:02:24,453 --> 01:02:27,331 The deal's off. Eric's got the company. 804 01:02:29,500 --> 01:02:32,169 Wow. Good news for me. 805 01:02:38,425 --> 01:02:41,512 I can't believe this is happening right now. 806 01:02:44,097 --> 01:02:46,683 Are you gonna come to class on Monday? 807 01:02:46,809 --> 01:02:49,603 Wouldn't make much sense now, would it? 808 01:02:50,896 --> 01:02:53,565 Stupid idea in the first place. 809 01:02:54,566 --> 01:02:57,027 (~ 'Renegade' by Styx ) 810 01:02:57,319 --> 01:02:59,488 ~ They finally found me 811 01:02:59,613 --> 01:03:01,573 ~ The renegade who had it made 812 01:03:01,698 --> 01:03:04,451 ~ Retrieved for a bounty 813 01:03:04,576 --> 01:03:06,745 ~ Never more to go astray 814 01:03:06,870 --> 01:03:10,833 ~ This'll be the end today of the wanted man 815 01:03:13,377 --> 01:03:15,462 Better get up outta this bed! 816 01:03:15,587 --> 01:03:20,843 ~ I've been years on the lam And had a high price on my head 817 01:03:22,970 --> 01:03:26,181 ~ Lawman said 'Get him dead or alive'... 818 01:03:26,306 --> 01:03:28,350 (Billy howling ) 819 01:03:34,064 --> 01:03:36,108 Yoo-hoo! 820 01:03:37,276 --> 01:03:38,819 Hello! 821 01:03:38,944 --> 01:03:40,988 Billy's here! 822 01:03:42,489 --> 01:03:44,491 Hey, baby! 823 01:03:45,033 --> 01:03:47,202 You lookin' hot tonight! 824 01:03:47,327 --> 01:03:51,290 - Billy, what has happened to you? - We're gonna go on a date. 825 01:03:51,415 --> 01:03:54,710 You, me, Jack and Frank... 826 01:03:54,835 --> 01:03:59,423 ..are gonna go around puttin' shit on people's doorsteps... 827 01:03:59,548 --> 01:04:02,259 ..and we're gonna set it on fire. 828 01:04:02,968 --> 01:04:07,973 Billy, why are you acting like this? I know that you didn't pay off Max. 829 01:04:08,098 --> 01:04:10,809 Well, that makes two of us, then, baby,... 830 01:04:10,934 --> 01:04:16,565 ..but it takes more than two to tango. Or somethin' like that. 831 01:04:17,149 --> 01:04:19,651 - So let's go. - No, let's stay. 832 01:04:19,776 --> 01:04:22,863 And the three of you can light dog shit on my living-room floor. 833 01:04:22,988 --> 01:04:27,367 - Come on, Billy, you know that... - Talky, talky, talky. 834 01:04:27,493 --> 01:04:29,620 No more talky. 835 01:04:29,745 --> 01:04:32,206 You got a lighter in here? 836 01:04:35,209 --> 01:04:37,294 Oh. 837 01:04:37,419 --> 01:04:40,214 I see what's goin' on in here. 838 01:04:43,550 --> 01:04:47,137 So sorry to interrupt! 839 01:04:52,267 --> 01:04:54,311 Proceed. 840 01:04:55,604 --> 01:04:58,065 Billy, you're losing your mind. 841 01:05:01,693 --> 01:05:03,904 All right, boys' night out! 842 01:05:04,071 --> 01:05:05,572 Let's go! 843 01:05:11,578 --> 01:05:13,622 (snoring ) 844 01:05:30,347 --> 01:05:32,891 Ow! 845 01:05:33,433 --> 01:05:35,894 I need to talk to you. 846 01:05:46,363 --> 01:05:48,407 Jeez! 847 01:05:49,283 --> 01:05:51,743 What's goin' on, man? 848 01:05:54,079 --> 01:05:59,585 I think Billy and his girlfriend are playin' water polo or somethin'. 849 01:06:01,295 --> 01:06:04,089 Hey, maybe they're playin' Marco Polo. 850 01:06:04,882 --> 01:06:06,800 Marco. 851 01:06:08,135 --> 01:06:10,554 - Jeez, that was a great game. - Yeah. 852 01:06:15,934 --> 01:06:19,354 I got an idea for you. Instead of being an idiot every day,... 853 01:06:19,480 --> 01:06:22,816 ..why don't you go back to school, graduate and get the company? 854 01:06:22,941 --> 01:06:25,152 Cos I don't want it any more. 855 01:06:25,903 --> 01:06:30,199 - What do you mean, you don't want it? - I got somethin' comin' outta my nose? 856 01:06:30,324 --> 01:06:33,368 I can't believe I liked someone who could roll over and die. 857 01:06:33,494 --> 01:06:38,373 I ain't rollin' over and dyin'. I was set up. And, worst of all, nobody believes me. 858 01:06:38,499 --> 01:06:42,044 I believe you, Billy. And I believe in you. 859 01:06:42,169 --> 01:06:45,881 You know, some people have no willpower, no brains, no vision. 860 01:06:46,006 --> 01:06:48,675 They just drift through life like lumps of crap. 861 01:06:48,800 --> 01:06:51,178 What is she talkin' about? 862 01:06:51,303 --> 01:06:55,265 And you have all those things. You're just afraid to use 'em. 863 01:06:55,390 --> 01:07:00,312 Don't be. You say you're not a loser, Billy Madison. So win. 864 01:07:16,370 --> 01:07:19,206 ~ Yes, I will go back to school 865 01:07:19,331 --> 01:07:22,459 ~ And achieve victory 866 01:07:22,584 --> 01:07:25,587 ~ No man will take what my father has built 867 01:07:25,712 --> 01:07:30,217 ~ Unless that man is me 868 01:07:30,342 --> 01:07:33,554 ~ My Billy, sweet Billy boy 869 01:07:33,679 --> 01:07:36,140 ~ I knew you would go back 870 01:07:36,807 --> 01:07:39,935 ~ No one can stop you if you try 871 01:07:40,060 --> 01:07:42,271 ~ Don't I have a nice rack? 872 01:07:46,191 --> 01:07:49,069 ~ Veronica, I thank you 873 01:07:49,194 --> 01:07:52,573 ~ For beating the shit out of me 874 01:07:52,698 --> 01:07:55,576 ~ I see things so clearly now 875 01:07:55,701 --> 01:07:57,911 ~ I choose my destiny 876 01:07:58,036 --> 01:08:00,747 Oh, Billy, I knew you had it in ya. 877 01:08:01,832 --> 01:08:04,710 ~ We're here to help you, Billy 878 01:08:04,835 --> 01:08:07,880 ~ Get back in school to stay 879 01:08:08,005 --> 01:08:11,425 ~ You gotta work real hard and stick it out 880 01:08:11,550 --> 01:08:14,595 ~ Till graduation day 881 01:08:14,720 --> 01:08:17,264 ~ Hey, kids, it's me 882 01:08:17,389 --> 01:08:20,851 ~ I bet you thought that I was dead 883 01:08:20,976 --> 01:08:23,729 ~ But when I fell over I just broke my leg 884 01:08:23,854 --> 01:08:26,523 ~ And got a haemorrhage in my head 885 01:08:28,775 --> 01:08:31,570 ~ There are obstacles in the way 886 01:08:31,695 --> 01:08:34,990 - ~ But together we shall overcome - ~ Overcome 887 01:08:35,115 --> 01:08:39,828 ~ Cos you can't break our spirit and you can't kill our dream 888 01:08:39,953 --> 01:08:44,666 ~ Do you have any more gum, more gum, more gum, more gum? 889 01:08:44,791 --> 01:08:47,044 ~ Do you have any more gum? 890 01:08:55,719 --> 01:08:58,180 Oh. Hello, kids. 891 01:08:58,305 --> 01:09:00,516 Mr Anderson, is that you? 892 01:09:00,766 --> 01:09:01,642 Oh. 893 01:09:01,767 --> 01:09:04,269 Yes, actually, it is. 894 01:09:04,394 --> 01:09:07,189 This is just... Well, this is... 895 01:09:08,398 --> 01:09:12,986 Normally I don't allow children to be in my home without parental supervision. 896 01:09:13,111 --> 01:09:16,615 So why don't you just run on... Oh, boy. 897 01:09:16,740 --> 01:09:21,787 It sure is great to have all you kids come surprise me like this at my home, but I... 898 01:09:21,912 --> 01:09:25,582 Mr Anderson, Billy said the stuff that you said didn't happen. 899 01:09:25,707 --> 01:09:28,126 Is he lying or are you lying? 900 01:09:28,252 --> 01:09:33,674 Oh, well, listen, kids. It's not always as simple as all that. 901 01:09:36,093 --> 01:09:40,305 The statement I made about Billy Madison was and is completely untrue. 902 01:09:40,430 --> 01:09:41,265 No. 903 01:09:41,390 --> 01:09:43,851 I know now that I shall never escape my fate... 904 01:09:43,976 --> 01:09:48,480 - ..as the Revolting Blob. - No, no, no, no, no, no, no! 905 01:09:49,481 --> 01:09:52,901 (Anderson ) It's something I must learn to live with. 906 01:09:53,026 --> 01:09:54,611 Joyce? 907 01:09:55,404 --> 01:09:58,115 What a mess. 908 01:09:58,240 --> 01:10:02,619 First this psycho goes on TV, lies, then retracts it. 909 01:10:02,744 --> 01:10:05,956 And now Eric's secretary is in a coma. 910 01:10:06,081 --> 01:10:11,170 Carl, has anybody been able to find out anything about this Max guy? 911 01:10:11,295 --> 01:10:15,340 No, sir. He's vanished. Nobody has any idea where he is. 912 01:10:15,465 --> 01:10:18,510 - I believed in Billy all along, sir. - Cut the horseshit! 913 01:10:18,635 --> 01:10:21,263 - I know you blackmailed Max. - Take it easy, Billy. 914 01:10:21,388 --> 01:10:26,768 Things were going along great until this wrestling freak messed things up. 915 01:10:28,061 --> 01:10:30,397 Billy should get another shot at high school. 916 01:10:30,522 --> 01:10:35,903 Hey, rules are rules. Billy was supposed to finish each grade within the two weeks... 917 01:10:36,028 --> 01:10:38,822 ..or I get the company. He didn't finish ninth grade. 918 01:10:38,947 --> 01:10:41,950 Eric, certainly there are extenuating circumstances. 919 01:10:42,075 --> 01:10:46,246 Extenuating, exschmenuating. We had a deal. A signed, written deal. 920 01:10:46,371 --> 01:10:48,790 Each grade, two weeks, or I get the company. 921 01:10:48,916 --> 01:10:51,710 Well, technically you're right, but... 922 01:10:51,835 --> 01:10:55,172 Oh, shut up, Brian. I've had to listen to your jawing for too long. 923 01:10:55,297 --> 01:10:57,466 ''Well, technically...'' 924 01:10:57,591 --> 01:11:02,346 Just shut up! Are you ready to hand the company over to me now? 925 01:11:02,471 --> 01:11:05,849 - No. - Then I'll see your ass in court. 926 01:11:06,725 --> 01:11:08,477 Good. 927 01:11:08,602 --> 01:11:11,146 Nice talkin' to ya, shitheads. 928 01:11:11,772 --> 01:11:14,900 Hey, Eric, how would you like to settle this now, no lawyers? 929 01:11:15,025 --> 01:11:17,277 You and me, mano y mano. 930 01:11:17,402 --> 01:11:20,280 - What does that mean? - What does that mean? 931 01:11:20,405 --> 01:11:23,325 - Carl, what does that mean? - Uh... I don't know. 932 01:11:28,163 --> 01:11:30,207 It means an academic decathlon. 933 01:11:30,332 --> 01:11:34,253 One day, ten events, testing all the knowledge one would gain in high school. 934 01:11:34,378 --> 01:11:36,839 Me versus you. 935 01:11:36,964 --> 01:11:41,051 - You're joking, right? - Let's take it a little easy here, Billy. 936 01:11:41,176 --> 01:11:45,139 No, I'm serious. Let's do it. Let's do it on Friday. 937 01:11:45,264 --> 01:11:48,517 - Let's do it. - Is that all right with you, Daddy? 938 01:11:48,642 --> 01:11:50,894 Well, if you think you can beat him. 939 01:11:51,019 --> 01:11:54,815 Oh, I can. And I will. 940 01:11:55,524 --> 01:11:58,610 - It's a deal. - (whispers ) I know it was you. 941 01:12:01,071 --> 01:12:03,532 You broke my heart. 942 01:12:06,285 --> 01:12:08,620 Here are the trigonometry hand-outs. 943 01:12:08,745 --> 01:12:11,331 Last year's physics notes. Best I could do. 944 01:12:11,456 --> 01:12:14,793 Thanks a lot, fellas. You're saving my life. 945 01:12:19,214 --> 01:12:20,757 O'Doyle rules. 946 01:12:20,883 --> 01:12:24,761 O'Doyle, I got a feeling your whole family's goin' down. 947 01:12:25,220 --> 01:12:27,139 But for now I gotta study. 948 01:12:29,016 --> 01:12:32,728 (Veronica ) Norman invasion of England. 949 01:12:32,853 --> 01:12:35,063 1066. 950 01:12:36,648 --> 01:12:38,692 That is correct. 951 01:12:41,403 --> 01:12:43,572 The Magna Carta. 952 01:12:46,074 --> 01:12:49,411 1215? 953 01:12:51,288 --> 01:12:53,332 Yes. 954 01:12:55,459 --> 01:12:58,462 Spanish Armada. 955 01:13:01,089 --> 01:13:05,844 1466? 956 01:13:06,512 --> 01:13:09,223 '67? 1469? 957 01:13:09,765 --> 01:13:11,558 1514? 958 01:13:11,683 --> 01:13:14,937 1981? 1986? 959 01:13:15,437 --> 01:13:20,442 Please do not do that. Come on, I swear... Just hang in there one second. 960 01:13:20,567 --> 01:13:23,362 Please, God, give me the answer! 961 01:13:26,156 --> 01:13:28,492 Buenos dias. 962 01:13:28,617 --> 01:13:30,953 Buenas tardes. 963 01:13:31,078 --> 01:13:32,621 Buenas noches. 964 01:13:32,746 --> 01:13:35,499 (speaks French very quickly ) 965 01:13:39,795 --> 01:13:42,422 Slow down. 966 01:13:42,548 --> 01:13:45,217 (speaks French very quickly ) 967 01:13:49,304 --> 01:13:50,681 Oh(!) 968 01:13:55,477 --> 01:13:57,521 Spanish Armada... 969 01:13:58,397 --> 01:14:00,274 1588. 970 01:14:00,399 --> 01:14:02,442 That is correct. 971 01:14:13,745 --> 01:14:17,332 Ladies and gentlemen, thanks to a generous donation by Mr Madison... 972 01:14:17,457 --> 01:14:21,962 ..to the Knibb High School library, I have been able to arrange for ten teachers... 973 01:14:22,087 --> 01:14:26,258 ..to administer this academic decathlon in various courses of study. 974 01:14:26,383 --> 01:14:30,387 However, if there is any attempt by either contestant to cheat,... 975 01:14:30,512 --> 01:14:37,269 ..especially with my wife, who is a dirty, dirty tramp, I am just gonna snap. 976 01:14:37,394 --> 01:14:40,397 Do I make myself clear? 977 01:14:40,522 --> 01:14:41,732 - Yes, sir. - Yes, sir. 978 01:14:41,857 --> 01:14:45,569 All right, then. Let the academic decathlon begin. 979 01:15:13,639 --> 01:15:15,474 (Billy laughs ) 980 01:15:34,952 --> 01:15:37,913 Second team, all-American, Harvard track. 981 01:15:38,664 --> 01:15:41,124 Is that right? 982 01:15:43,001 --> 01:15:46,839 Oh, gross! Did you see that guy's balls? 983 01:15:46,964 --> 01:15:49,424 Yeah, they were weird-lookin'. 984 01:15:54,847 --> 01:15:56,557 Whoa! 985 01:16:10,737 --> 01:16:12,781 (tuneful melody ) 986 01:16:29,840 --> 01:16:31,884 (squeaking ) 987 01:16:34,428 --> 01:16:35,888 He's good. 988 01:16:36,346 --> 01:16:39,433 To be, or not to be: 989 01:16:40,934 --> 01:16:42,811 that is the question: 990 01:16:42,936 --> 01:16:46,356 Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer 991 01:16:46,482 --> 01:16:50,611 The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune... 992 01:16:50,736 --> 01:16:56,325 Or to take arms against a sea of troubles, 993 01:16:56,450 --> 01:17:00,370 And by opposing end them? 994 01:17:01,288 --> 01:17:05,209 To die: to sleep; 995 01:17:05,334 --> 01:17:07,377 No more. 996 01:17:08,170 --> 01:17:09,880 (boy ) Billy! 997 01:17:11,507 --> 01:17:13,342 Hey, hey, hey. Who rules? 998 01:17:13,467 --> 01:17:15,260 O'Doyle rules! 999 01:17:15,886 --> 01:17:16,887 O'Doyle rules! 1000 01:17:17,513 --> 01:17:18,514 O'Doyle rules! 1001 01:17:19,223 --> 01:17:20,224 O'Doyle rules! 1002 01:17:20,641 --> 01:17:22,059 O'Doyle rules! 1003 01:17:22,267 --> 01:17:23,268 O'Doyle rules! 1004 01:17:24,019 --> 01:17:25,020 O'Doyle rules! 1005 01:17:25,687 --> 01:17:27,314 O'Doyle rules! 1006 01:17:27,439 --> 01:17:29,483 (explosion ) 1007 01:17:42,246 --> 01:17:43,997 Good afternoon, students. 1008 01:17:44,122 --> 01:17:47,793 You've been invited here today to witness the tenth and final event... 1009 01:17:47,918 --> 01:17:53,340 ..in the competition between Mr Eric Gordon and Mr Billy Madison. 1010 01:17:59,513 --> 01:18:03,851 As of this moment, Mr Madison is ahead by one point. 1011 01:18:05,644 --> 01:18:09,648 Each competitor will select the final category for his opponent. 1012 01:18:09,773 --> 01:18:14,278 Mr Madison will go first. Mr Gordon, choose the topic. 1013 01:18:15,404 --> 01:18:17,698 English Literature. 1014 01:18:17,823 --> 01:18:20,159 US Presidents. 1015 01:18:20,284 --> 01:18:22,744 My Wife, the Tramp. 1016 01:18:23,495 --> 01:18:26,582 Burning Dog Poo and the Human Response. 1017 01:18:26,707 --> 01:18:29,334 Reflections of Society in Literature. 1018 01:18:29,918 --> 01:18:32,796 Reflections of Society in Literature. 1019 01:18:33,672 --> 01:18:35,757 Good luck, schmuck. 1020 01:18:37,551 --> 01:18:39,178 Mr Madison. 1021 01:18:39,303 --> 01:18:43,432 The Industrial Revolution changed the face of the modern novel for ever. 1022 01:18:43,557 --> 01:18:47,060 Discuss, citing specific examples. 1023 01:18:49,730 --> 01:18:51,815 (yelling ) 1024 01:18:51,940 --> 01:18:53,984 (clears throat ) 1025 01:18:56,069 --> 01:18:57,863 Uh... 1026 01:18:57,988 --> 01:18:58,989 Come on! 1027 01:19:05,037 --> 01:19:06,914 OK. 1028 01:19:07,039 --> 01:19:10,417 The Industrial Revolution, to me, is just like a story I know... 1029 01:19:10,542 --> 01:19:13,837 ..called The Puppy Who Lost His Way. 1030 01:19:15,756 --> 01:19:18,509 The world was changing... 1031 01:19:18,634 --> 01:19:22,971 ..and the puppy was getting... bigger. 1032 01:19:23,597 --> 01:19:28,477 So, you see, the puppy was like industry,... 1033 01:19:28,602 --> 01:19:32,940 ..in that they were both lost in the woods,... 1034 01:19:33,065 --> 01:19:40,531 ..and nobody, especially the little boy - society - knew where to find them. 1035 01:19:43,325 --> 01:19:47,454 Except that the puppy... was a dog. 1036 01:19:48,664 --> 01:19:51,834 But the industry, my friends,... 1037 01:19:51,959 --> 01:19:54,419 ..that was a revolution. 1038 01:19:57,840 --> 01:20:00,300 Knibb High football rules! 1039 01:20:13,480 --> 01:20:17,067 Mr Madison, what you've just said... 1040 01:20:17,192 --> 01:20:21,280 ..is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. 1041 01:20:21,405 --> 01:20:25,909 At no point in your rambling, incoherent response... 1042 01:20:26,034 --> 01:20:31,081 ..were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. 1043 01:20:31,206 --> 01:20:36,211 Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. 1044 01:20:36,336 --> 01:20:41,300 I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul. 1045 01:20:42,426 --> 01:20:45,554 OK. A simple ''wrong'' would have done just fine, but... 1046 01:20:45,679 --> 01:20:48,015 You remain one point ahead. 1047 01:20:48,140 --> 01:20:52,394 Mr Gordon, it is your turn. Mr Madison, choose the topic. 1048 01:20:58,775 --> 01:21:02,070 I choose Business Ethics. 1049 01:21:05,491 --> 01:21:10,329 Mr Gordon. The American business environment has fundamentally changed... 1050 01:21:10,454 --> 01:21:14,291 ..following the insider trading and savings and loan scandals. 1051 01:21:14,416 --> 01:21:18,545 Explain business ethics, and how they are applied today. 1052 01:21:28,680 --> 01:21:32,309 The, uh, ethics of, uh, business... 1053 01:21:32,434 --> 01:21:34,895 ..can be summarised in... 1054 01:21:38,440 --> 01:21:40,400 Yeah, um... 1055 01:21:40,526 --> 01:21:42,152 See... 1056 01:21:42,277 --> 01:21:44,112 Ethics are, uh... 1057 01:21:45,197 --> 01:21:48,367 You know, the... the thing about ethics... 1058 01:21:48,492 --> 01:21:50,536 Aagh! 1059 01:21:53,413 --> 01:21:56,792 That question was not fair! That was not in the reading. 1060 01:21:56,917 --> 01:22:00,420 - I demand a new question. - Take it easy, psycho. 1061 01:22:01,046 --> 01:22:03,340 You blew it. You lose. 1062 01:22:03,465 --> 01:22:05,843 I oughta blow you away, you miserable... 1063 01:22:05,968 --> 01:22:08,554 Well, go ahead and do it. 1064 01:22:08,679 --> 01:22:10,222 Yikes! 1065 01:22:14,184 --> 01:22:15,352 No! 1066 01:22:16,603 --> 01:22:18,647 (Eric ) Get off me! 1067 01:22:24,528 --> 01:22:25,654 No! 1068 01:22:32,494 --> 01:22:35,914 Man, I'm glad I called that guy. 1069 01:22:41,044 --> 01:22:44,298 - Max, are you OK? - Yeah. Yeah, I'm OK. 1070 01:22:44,423 --> 01:22:45,424 OK. 1071 01:22:45,549 --> 01:22:49,261 A little confused, kinda sweaty,... 1072 01:22:49,386 --> 01:22:51,263 ..a little hungry,... 1073 01:22:51,388 --> 01:22:54,141 ..but all in all I'm OK. 1074 01:23:05,027 --> 01:23:08,864 Thank you, thank you, thank you very much. Thank you. 1075 01:23:08,989 --> 01:23:14,369 Well, what can I say? I graduated. It's over. I did it. 1076 01:23:14,495 --> 01:23:19,124 I know most of you are sayin' ''Hey, any idiot could do that.'' 1077 01:23:19,249 --> 01:23:23,170 Well, it was tough for me, so back off! 1078 01:23:24,213 --> 01:23:29,885 - Sorry. Sorry about that. - Yahoo, Billy! Billy's number one! Yahoo! 1079 01:23:31,720 --> 01:23:33,555 (Billy ) That's nice, buddy. 1080 01:23:33,680 --> 01:23:35,265 Yahoo! 1081 01:23:35,390 --> 01:23:37,476 Yahoo for school! 1082 01:23:37,601 --> 01:23:39,645 Yahoo for me! 1083 01:23:41,772 --> 01:23:45,734 Anyways, this hotel stuff really isn't for me,... 1084 01:23:45,859 --> 01:23:50,948 ..so I decided to step down as chairman of Madison Hotels... 1085 01:23:51,073 --> 01:23:53,742 ..and give the company to Carl. 1086 01:23:58,622 --> 01:24:02,125 I'm gonna go to college. I'm gonna be a teacher. 1087 01:24:04,419 --> 01:24:08,215 - Peace! I'm outta here! - (cheering ) 1088 01:24:08,340 --> 01:24:09,842 Daddy. 1089 01:24:09,967 --> 01:24:13,178 What can I say? I saved the day, I guess. 1090 01:24:13,303 --> 01:24:16,181 I mean, Eric doesn't take over the company. 1091 01:24:16,306 --> 01:24:18,684 Are you sure this is what you wanna do? 1092 01:24:18,809 --> 01:24:21,687 I'm sure, Dad. Thanks for everything. 1093 01:24:24,773 --> 01:24:27,818 Max! What can I say, buddy? You saved my life. 1094 01:24:27,943 --> 01:24:31,446 You don't have to say anything. I'm so proud of you. 1095 01:24:32,114 --> 01:24:34,449 But I'm still horny. 1096 01:24:35,492 --> 01:24:38,162 All right, man. You're hurting me. 1097 01:24:42,499 --> 01:24:44,793 You think he's horny. 1098 01:24:44,918 --> 01:24:46,962 Come here.