Two households different as dried plums
and pears in fair Manhattan, where we lay our scene.
Two homes adrift in hate for 20 years a score,
awash in sin for long deprived of dreams.
Once long ago they planted seeds of hate,
which bloomed to constant battles for revenge.
Soon, murder was the awful commonplace...
And everything once real seemed like pretend.
Deep within this storm, a love in two has sparked,
spawned in a box of glass one star-crossed night.
Now if faithful should hug to live within the dark
but see how many fall beneath love's light.
Oh, yes, the splice of their unholy vice
and the firmest grip of their parent's rage.
It'll only ever end by one father and his apt demise
which is now the two hours' traffic of our stage.
Star-crossed lovers both ignore your elders' trivial ploys.
They hold no trace of passion's truer joys.
Instead of justice, do now hold your castle wall.
Your deepest love will battle reasons gone.
All this if you with patient eyes attend,
we'll see what devils broke, our toil shall mend.
Act 1
Never mind the yearling fatted calf,
is the Ques and Capulets.
My sister!
Hey, there. Hey.
Hey. Hey. That's my sister.
Hey! Hey! Hey!
You stupid shit.
That was the best fuck in this bar.
Hey, hey, Georgie.
I have some crystal meth in my underwear.
Let's go down to the men's bathroom and snort it on up.
Fuck you, Sammy. You're such a moron.
Come on, Georgie.
Maybe you will get lucky, you know what I mean?
Oh!
I'm your sister. You're not supposed to do that.
Not to me.
But hey, you know the way the world is now
we've got gang bangers,
we've got perverts, we've got anorexia.
Everything's in style.
If we just throw a little incest into the mix,
pretty soon the world will be like one great big hug.
And I, Sammy Capulet, along with my sister Georgie
herald the dawning of the age of the aquarius,
just like in Hair.
Yeah, I'm sure, Sammy,
me and you and our mutant, inbred children.
At least they'd be better than those cursed Ques.
Did you hear what they did last night?
They threw a dead pigeon through Uncle Cappy's window.
It splattered all over the divan, intestines of...
I know! I know.
I hate the Ques!
Hey, hey, Georgie.
Look what I'm gonna do just in case they show up tonight.
- Don't be retarded. - Sorry.
You guys, after this I gotta cruise.
What's wrong with going to the Art Club with me and Ben?
I got to go check up on my old man, Murray.
Why? You got to bring him a teething ring?
You believe this guy?
I think it's sweet.
It's like, um, codependency, right?
It's like being a pussy is like what it's being like.
We done?
Hey, why don't you come on over after the Art Club?
Check out the new CD-ROM I got.
Sub-Humanoid Meltdown.
Yeah, yeah, we'll come over and check it out.
Especially if the Capulets are the Sub-Humanoids
you're melting down.
Every time I think about that poor little squirrel.
Poor little squirrel?
Murray, you threw a pigeon through the window.
It was already dead.
That's different.
Hey, shut up.
We're supposed to be normal people leading normal lives.
Working 9 to 5, going to church on Sunday.
Normal. Maiming, murdering, crippling park animals,
it's a little abnormal. You know what I mean?
Is it gonna hurt?
This will be over in a snap.
It's one of the reasons I like Rosy.
You know, when I'm with her I don't feel much hatred.
- Not even toward the Capulets. - Ah! Oh!
It sounds dumb but
I feel like I have a future now.
You know, a home in the suburbs,
a barbecue in the backyard, family picnics.
Look, look, I still get a piece of wood
every time I take one of those bastards out.
And you, Tromeo, this week it's Rosy,
next week some other double-D slice of poontang
is gonna have you whipped, clipped, and double dipped.
You, you don't learn.
Come on, Murray.
We've all had to put up with the Caps since we were kids.
You'd think you were sick of it by now.
Instead I sometimes think that that shit is the only reason
you even hang out with us.
That's not the only reason,
just a mark on the positive side.
On the negative side is the fact that
both you guys are so fucking disgusting looking
that I look at you and my stomach becomes upset
and I begin to vomit.
I really love it.
I love it so much. How do I look?
Like a freak.
Shut the fuck up.
I'll see you guys after the club.
Bye, Trom. Thank you.
One of these days,
somebody's going to teach you some fucking manners.
Bad monkey.
Peter, your breasts are more pear-shaped than my sister's.
But they'll do.
Asshole.
I wanna ask you something.
Why did you kill that little squirrel?
- Fuck you. - No, fuck you.
No, fuck you.
No, seriously, Sammy, fuck you.
I said it first.
Dad?
Tromeo!
Where-forth art thou, Tromeo?
Dad?
The front door was left open.
Anyone could have just come in and robbed us blind.
Do we have any site left to steal?
Tromeo, there you are.
I was having myself a dream about these cows.
We better get you into bed.
Come on. Turn around, Martini.
I got an itch to fuck you in the ass.
Come on, Tracy. Let's do it.
We got five minutes before the manager gets here.
I only need two.
Oh, fingers.
I love fingers. Give me fingers.
Excellent.
Hey, hey, hey.
I want to give you one more chance.
Apologize for giving me the finger.
I... I didn't give you the finger.
I still have all my fingers.
Not anymore.
God!
Clean that off, I'll get fired.
I'll get fired, man.
Ooh, yeah! Take those titties, Bluto.
That's it, baby.
Only you could do it, baby. Tromeo sucks at it.
Oh, God. Who's spoiling my fun?
Hold on a second, baby-cakes, I'll be right back.
- Hello? - Rosy?
Tromeo! Hi! How are you doing?
I just wanted to call and say that I had a great time
and everything last night.
Yeah, I'm thrilled.
Really, Tromeo, I'm like really thrilled.
I miss you. What are you doing?
I'm just making the costume for
for... Cap-Capulet's
you know, costume party, his bash.
You got invited to that?
Yes!
Yes. I was in... in... invited.
Yes. I got to go, got to go now.
♪ My name is Capulet, I got a corn nut for a dick ♪
♪ My name is Capulet, my asshole's full of worms ♪
♪ My name is Capulet I am a hopeless shit ♪
♪ My name is Capulet, I'm a big fat dick ♪
Sing along!
♪ My name is Capulet... ♪
♪ I like polka... ♪
Get away from my house, you little punks.
♪ I shall fucking die ♪
You asshole.
- You, my friend, are a piece of shit! - What is it, Cap baby?
Once more Monty Que's suck shits are trying to terrorize me.
See, that's Benny and that Martini freak, see.
I'll kill him. I'll kill them all.
Where is my bow? Where did you put my bow?
Not my violin bow, stupid! My crossbow!
There it is.
You puny piece of crap. You fuck.
How would you like me to use your guts
to Jackson Pollock the street, huh?
Jackson Pollock the street.
- Holy shit, run! - Go, go, go.
After so long, Monty's still making them hate us.
Oh, Cap, sometimes I think
we should have never did what we done.
We?
What do you mean by this "we" shit, Ingrid?
You know as well as I do that that was your fuck-up, not mine.
Oh, my arm.
No!
Juliet.
If you keep forgetting to turn this off,
you're gonna burn down the whole house.
Let it burn.
I can't stand the noises, Ness, every single night.
Then don't listen.
At least tonight it's not you.
Your mother sent me to pick up some clean dresses.
Why would I need dresses
since Dad never lets me leave the house?
Oh.
You smell like food.
What'd you make for dinner?
Well, if you keep missing dinner your parents are gonna fire me.
But for the record, roast beef.
Eww.
How many times I have told you that cows scream
on their way to the slaughter house?
You know, exactly what's going on.
Spare me the vegetarian lecture and spare yourself, too.
Soon you're going to be married to the king
of cold cuts. It will all make sense.
You know I don't love London.
You know Dad forced me to say yes.
He just wants to get his hands on the Arbuckle's fortune.
And I don't care.
At least if I marry London,
I won't have to go back in the time out room anymore.
So it doesn't matter if I don't love him.
I really never loved anybody.
Let me ease your pain.
Ness, sometimes when you touch me,
I dream about men.
It's okay to dream.
Not in this house.
It'll almost make you die.
To make your choice of our many
lovely girls please press one of the following keys.
If you like eating shit and drinking piss
there's only one choice there, it's "K."
But if you want a wild time with a very young girl...
You chose "true love."
Please hold on for one moment.
Hello, you are so handsome.
I really love you.
Mmm, saucy girl.
Would you like to get married?
Married, then you could see my bosom.
They love you too.
Go ahead, you could touch them.
I will suckle a many happy children.
Will you...
...be...
...my...
...lawfully weeded...
- I love you. - I love you too.
I love you.
I love you too.
- I love you. - I love you too.
I love you.
I love you too.
- I love you. - I love you too.
I love you.
Listen, Oslo, of course we hate old Cap.
Ever since we've been little cats,
I have noticed that you often know more than you show.
So...
How did it start and where?
And how's your uncle a part of it?
Once, man, they were friends.
My uncle had a business, films.
Called Silky films.
They catered to the Art Crowd.
French babes, soft focus, lots of sheer curtains,
classy stuff.
He and Capulet, they'd been friends for years.
Came up together from the suburbs of Jersey.
The profits were good, Que brought Cap aboard.
But right after that, the game got rough.
Cap took all Monty's rights to Silky films.
Between you and me, there was blackmail involved.
- Blackmail? - Yeah.
Monty signed over all records and checks
without so much as a protest or a plea.
The way it looks on paper and in books,
they say he gave his life's work away for free.
Cocksucker stole a good man's whole life.
And you should see the trash that silky puts out now.
The worst motherfucking films in the world.
Wait, wait, wait.
Wasn't there more to that story?
Wasn't there something going on between Cappy's wife and Monty?
They had a lot more than something going on.
They were married.
While Cap was stealing the business
he also made a play for Monty's wife Ingrid.
That bitch then stuck a knife in Tromeo's dad.
A divorce right when he was found.
In my book she is just as bad
as that ugly sadistic clown.
Shortly after that, Cap married Ingrid
and Monty married Tromeo's mom
and the lines have been drawn ever since.
And who was Tromeo's mom?
Shut up.
I told you way too fucking much already.
This is just between you and me.
Keep your mouth shut around Tromeo.
I had a bad dream.
How many times have I told you...
I'm sorry.
...not to wake me up with your goddamn screaming?
I'll be quite, I promise.
Pubescent copulators.
Leaving your sex toys all over your room.
You have one more screaming orgasm, young lady,
and it's the time-out room again.
Now, are you going to be good?
Hmm?
And who are you?
Daddy's little crenshaw melon.
Who?
Daddy's little crenshaw melon.
Oh, yeah, big man.
Just beat up the blind.
Just beat up the blind girl, that's what she's there for.
The bitch stole my damn Harley!
God damn it!
Law abiding citizens.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You and my ass are law abiding citizens.
Real law abiding.
The feud between you two is what started this.
I got a feeling when that stops,
I don't have to clean up another mess
started by Que or a Capulet
or a Capulet to a Que.
Now, stumpy, you ready to tell me who did this to you?
I dropped my popsicle down the garbage disposer.
I didn't think before brrr.
Stupid! That's another thing, okay.
No one, no one is speaking one word of truth.
I'm gonna tell you what.
The next time there's blood spilled and anyone of you,
anyone of you is there, I don't care what I have to do,
I'll bring in a fucking grand jury if I have to.
I will find who's at fault.
Suppose we're free to go now?
Get out.
See that, you foul bastard, see.
It's sick. That's your work.
My work? Why is it my work?
You sent the boy to put the squirrel in my place.
I sent shit.
Yes, you sent shit to do a man's work.
Hey.
The only shit I see is in the passenger seat.
An alcoholic, burnt-out, scumbag loser.
Why you cock sucking...
Don't hold me, let me go.
Let me go. Let me go, don't hold me.
- Meet my bow. - I'll kill the bastard.
I'll kill him. I tell you I'll kill him. Don't hold me.
Sammy, get out of the fucking way.
Sammy, get out of the way, let me just shoot this mother...
Come on, out of the way.
You villainous, abominable, kidnapper of youth!
Henry IV, act II, scene IV.
Hey...
Okay, Sissy, remember.
When crossing the street, sidewalk safe, street dangerous.
Sidewalk safe, street dangerous.
Very good.
Okay, okay, can I go now?
Yes, you can go.
Oh, my God.
Oh, God.
Act 2, the ball and Tromeo's agony of bliss.
His balls be blue, young men pray think on this.
This is Aaron Mason.
Tonight on the local scene,
Manhattan society eagerly awaits the annual.
Halloween in July ball at filmmaker Cap Capulet's.
Capulet is famous for such films...
I don't know why we're going to this stupid party, Murray.
You just want to cause shit.
You know why you're going, Trom.
Your precious rosy is on the guest list.
Mmm. How do I look?
If I lived on a farm, I'd fuck you.
With Juliet Capulet
about to marry Arbuckle,
could it be that Capulets planned merger of meat
and movies is finally in our midst?
No, no, no, no, Carl,
you're cutting too much fat off.
One word, more fat.
Fat is good for people.
That's what we like to hear here at Meat World.
Mr. Arbuckle.
Mr. Arbuckle, what in
what on God's earth is this?
I found it over by the goats.
Oh, gross.
Must have crawled through the cellar window and died.
Still looks like it could be kind of tasty though.
Bet we could make several dozen hot dogs out of it.
Why don't you throw it in with the pig snouts, tails, and hooves?
Yes, sir.
Juliet.
What do you think of my milkman costume, Juliet?
It's very nice, London.
It's so great that you came to pick me up for the party tonight.
Oh, jeez.
I almost forgot.
I got you a gift.
I finally figured out something to do with those pigs' ears.
It's new and oh so delicioso
and you're gonna be the first one to try it out.
It's raisin loaf.
It's like olive loaf but it's not.
It's raisin loaf.
Why? Because there are raisins in it.
Oh, wow!
It totally blows my mind.
Nobody's ever made a raisin loaf before, Juliet.
Nope.
Here, try a slice.
Uh, London!
I'm macrobiotic.
You're bionic?
No, I'm macrobiotic.
It's a strict vegetarian lifestyle.
You're... you're a vegetarian?
Yes. I have been for quite some...
A vegetarian!
London?
I think we better get going now.
Name?
Go right inside, man.
Hey, Vic.
Where did you get this big crying pussy costume?
I've never seen anything quite like it.
Shut up, Tyrone! You know what this is?
This is part of Sammy's motherfuckin' head.
Mister Capulet!
Mister Capulet, look what they've done!
Oh, shit.
They ruined the hors d'oeuvre again.
Stupid servants. Let me give it a try.
No, no...!
Vic, this stuff tastes like shit.
Let me have another one.
God dammit!
Why didn't anybody tell me about this?
Now I have to pick Samuel out of my goddamn teeth.
Poor Sammy didn't have a chance.
I'll get up the troops and I let them hear the news.
Georgie is gonna freak!
Listen up.
We are not telling anybody. Not tonight.
The Arbuckles are coming here.
I'm going to hit the old man with my idea.
Meat and the movies.
The ultimate, diversified corporate thing.
What do you think, Tyrone?
I like it a lot.
Good.
Listen up.
It's not only the Arbuckles.
That gung-ho cop, Scalus,
he's after my ass.
And we're gonna keep him the hell away from this house.
You all keep mum.
Hey, Giovani. That's beautiful.
Oh, can't anybody clean up nothing around?
I mean, we got rich people coming.
Friends, the Arbuckles coming tonight, put it under the gully.
They don't know I'm a pervert.
Fucking Capulets.
Look at all this food, Murray.
I wonder where Rosy is.
Rosy, it's me.
I made it.
Bet you didn't expect to see me here.
Tromeo?
Uh, hi.
What's up?
Sorry, need this chair.
I didn't think you were coming.
Tromeo, this is Bluto Fitzgibbon.
Bluto, that's Tromeo.
How are you doing there, little man?
Come on, this is not a big deal.
Oh, come on.
Look, look, hey, hey.
Let's go upstairs and steal from the rich people.
You always love it when we steal from the rich people.
Ah? Right?
Yeah.
So life returns to my pal's dead body.
Listen, I'm going to jerk off in my hand
and go swish around in the punch bowl.
I'll meet you upstairs in five.
Oh, she doth teach the torches to burn bright.
It seems she hangs upon the cheek of night
like a rich barbell in a thrasher's ear.
Beauty too rich for use, for earth too dear.
Did my heart love till now?
Forswear it, sight.
For I ne'er saw true beauty till this night.
Hey, Juliet!
My little hen cheese.
Can I have this dance?
Okay.
Oh, a dirty door stop.
Oh, Monty and Ingrid and a tiny infant.
A cow.
Who are you, cow?
My name is Tromeo.
Strange name.
Yes.
Excuse me, we're trying to dance here, my friend.
And you're doing a very good job of it, friend.
What is your name?
It might be Juliet.
Juliet.
Excuse me, this is my fiancee.
You're harassing.
Are you a friend of the Capulets?
Oh, yeah, the Capulet girl, she invited me.
We've been friends for many years.
Right.
Do you mind if I pick this next dance?
Well, actually Juliet and I
were just right now going to dance.
All right.
Your face?
May I see your face?
If I profane
with my unworthiest hand the holy shrine.
The gentle sin is this.
My lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand to smooth
that rough touch with a tender kiss.
Good pilgrim, you do wrong your hand too much,
well mannerly devotion shows in this,
for saints have hands that pilgrims' hands do touch,
and palm to palm is holy Palmers' kiss.
Have not saints lips, and holy Palmers too?
Ay, pilgrim, lips that they must use in prayer.
O, then, dear Saint, let lips do what hands do,
they pray.
Thus from my lips, by thine, my sin is purged.
What the fuck?
Que, take your goddamn tongue
out of my goddamn cousin's mouth.
- Cousin? - Que?
I'm gonna kick your fucking ass.
Juliet, Tromeo is Monty Que's son.
My only love sprung from my only hate.
Act 3, love in the glass box revealed.
You played a very funny joke
on that Juliet chick.
She bought every word you said.
You ought to be a thespian.
It totally reminds me of that time
in the sixth grade when you talked Mara Murphy
into taking her panties off
and then you pushed her out in the hall in front of
all the larger children
and they were laughing amongst themselves.
Oh, no. Oh, no, you cannot be serious.
I had never seen her, Murray, or even heard her name.
I can't.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Mister Aaron Mazes, one of mother nature's finest, like me.
Bold and strong and self-sufficient
and completely unattached.
Caring about nothing and... or anything.
A survivalist, a role model.
Yeah, you are so full of shit, Harry.
See this?
This is a mouse, and they're a lot more like us than you think.
They have feelings, they're warm,
they're compassionate, they need affection,
and they have families.
Oh, hey, here's lover boy now.
It's two o'clock, did you just wake up?
Can you believe this guy?
Ditches me last night for some broad.
Preferring some lady's company to mine.
Oh, so now that Rosy the Rack is history,
he's gotta go put himself on the leash of some other broad, right?
You got that right, babe.
And would you like to guess whose?
I'm pretty good at games.
- Gimme a clue. - A'ight.
Her name begins with a C and ends with a T.
Wait, wait, wait, it's not "cunt",
but that's close.
And it rhymes with...
Snapulet.
Go Aaron Mazes, go!
Tromeo, it ain't uh...
It ain't serious, is it?
- Serious? - Yes, serious.
Well, I'm not gonna be talked out of it.
Hey, Ben, listen.
You know, I just thought I was in love with Rosy,
but that was nothing compared to this.
Ben, this is the real thing, man.
Hey, tell me something, me and Machine.
You just met this girl last night. What makes her so special?
My Juliet.
Let me bathe in your breath and your skin.
Tromeo.
My lover. My first man.
Yes.
Together you and I will replenish the world.
Kill hunger and thirst and hate.
And we're the new era of grace!
Ugh.
You horny little cow.
Probably dreaming of getting fucked in the ass, hmm?
Butt plug.
You and your teenage punk rock friends
and all those juices coming out of every orifice in your body.
You fuck pods make me sick.
I've told you a thousand times!
You slut.
Sorry.
You fucking bitch.
You miserable cunt.
Move it!
Turn around!
Let there be light.
Daddy's little crenshaw melon.
How much sharper than a serpent's tooth
it is to have a thankless child?
Get in. Get in.
Put on the suit.
The suit, the band only little girls wear.
Open the door. Don't dirty the glass.
Juliet.
Juliet, children should behave themselves, my sweet.
All women should.
That's what they're here to do.
Remember the next time that you are going to scream
in your sleep
that this is where all dreams will lead.
♪ We'll gather at the river ♪
♪ The beautiful, beautiful river ♪
♪ We'll gather at the river ♪
♪ Beautiful river of shame ♪
It's the middle door upstairs.
I know how you feel about her.
I feel it too.
She feels that way about you.
Watch the second step, it's loose.
What light from yonder plexiglass breaks?
It is a right angled cosmos.
And Juliet is its sun.
See how she leans her cheek upon her hand.
Oh, that I were a glove upon that hand,
that I might touch that cheek.
Wake up, fair sun.
Wake.
Tromeo!
Oh, I did not mean to frighten you.
I'm waking from a nightmare into a dream.
But I'm real.
See, the breath.
Are you angry?
Are you angry that I'm a Que?
Do you hate me for my name?
What's in a name?
That which we call a rose by any other name
would smell as sweet.
So Tromeo would, were he not Tromeo call'd,
retain the dear perfection that he owns without the title.
Let's go tonight.
Come with me.
You could come in.
But your father.
He never comes back until after the Regis & Kathie Lee show.
And this room was soundproofed when I was eight.
He didn't want the neighbors to hear me scream.
And so he puts me in here when things go wrong.
I think it's sick.
You're 18, aren't you?
So why haven't you left?
This is the only life I know.
What seems cruel to others is normal to me.
I guess my life is sort of unnatural, too.
Violent, you know?
Maybe both of us are warped.
It's like if you have been told a curved line is straight
your whole life, you start to believe it.
Maybe we're more afraid of the risk of something
new than at staying
with something we hate that's familiar.
Day...
Music...
The Regis & Kathy Lee theme.
Tromeo, wake up.
You must go. You must go now.
No. No, if my father finds you...
Wait. Where can we meet?
We'll meet tonight?
Oh, why?
You look like you've seen a sub-humanoid.
His name is London Arbuckle.
Tromeo, I'm supposed to be married.
From my heart it is so far, but my father would
rather see me dead than lose a billionaire son-in-law
grown rich on steak tartar.
When is it supposed to happen?
- Thursday. - Thursday?
Then marry me before then.
What?
Yes, marry me, you can't be forced
into a marriage if you're already in one.
You don't need to save me, Tromeo.
If I said I was doing it to save you,
it would only be making excuses for my real desire.
- Really? - Yes.
Then yes.
You are wonderful!
Okay.
Oh, wait.
Before you go.
Juliet, prince meatball is here.
Oh, boy!
Yeah.
Hi, dear.
I brought you some flowers and something else.
Yeah, yeah.
I bet you were gonna say
you wish we had honeymoon tickets
to Swanzey, Wales, to see
one of the largest cattle herds in the world.
'Cause look what I have here.
We're going to Swanzey!
No.
London, I don't know how to say this.
Oh, look, aisle seats,
so we can go to the bathroom anytime we want.
I think you are a very nice person.
Look at all the cows. Moo, moo, moo, moo.
But I can't marry you.
What?
I'm sorry but there's somebody else.
Oh, God!
Of course, this would happen.
You think I'm ugly, don't you?
No, I don't!
London! London, don't do that!
I'm so ugly and stupid!
I'm sorry, Mom and Dad, I know you hate me!
- I won't take no for an answer. - London!
And so Jesus said if you have faith
there will be bread and bread there is.
Bread, my children.
Yes, bread indeed.
Bread indeed.
Faith to you, faith to you all.
Yes, faith to you.
Father!
Young Que!
My good man, will you be so kind
as to hand the rest of these out?
Of course, Father.
Tromeo, I thought...
Tromeo, I thought you never woke before noon.
It's morning to you, Father, but a late, late night to me.
Scantily clad table dancers again, eh, my boy?
Tromeo, I miss you in the confessional.
You were the most entertaining
if not quite the most repentant of my parishioners.
Tell me, son, why do you have that stupid look on your face?
A woman, Father.
A woman?
She is... unreal!
And you know her I think. Juliet.
Juliet?
Capulet.
Juliet Capulet.
Capulet?
I know. I know I've had problems with them before,
but no longer, Father.
I pledge. I've got a new lease on life.
Or life has a new lease on you.
Tromeo, as you realize I've known your father
and Juliet's father for years.
Son, Cap just talked to me about her marrying another man.
Father, her dad doesn't know but she doesn't love Arbuckle.
Juliet and I, we want to be married.
Father, it can't be a coincidence
that I saw you here this morning.
- Father, tonight. - Tonight?
He said he would call.
Looks like Tromeo...
Yes, oh, yes, say my name again.
Okay, I'm fucking finished, hun.
I'm fucking finished, hun, real good.
Yes!
Shit.
That's right.
We're having major sex.
Tromeo.
Hmm, Tromeo.
Jiminy Christmas!
Yes, yes, I'm coming!
Yippie yahoo!
Sing it to the world!
Tromeo's coming, yippie yahoo!
Oh, Tromeo.
You done?
Hello.
Juliet.
Tromeo.
Hi, I have been trying to call but your phone's been busy.
Oh?
Have you changed your mind?
Oh, no, oh, no.
Juliet, please let rich music's tongue
unfold the imagined happiness
that both receive in either by this dear encounter.
Oh, my true love has grown to such excess.
When should we do it?
Tonight.
Tonight?
- Yes. - Yes.
What's that noise?
Now kiss the bride.
I just have to figure out
how to tell them without getting one of us killed.
I don't want to go.
Bye.
Parting is such sweet sorrow.
Totally sucks.
Act 4. Kill, Tromeo. Kill and be resolved.
Arbuckle, what the hell are you doing?
You're fucking yourself up.
Vic, fat boy.
Get out! Leave me alone!
Why?
Oh, God, it's Juliet!
Juliet!
What'd you do to my cousin?
Yes, hit me, hit me.
You see, no matter what it is,
it'll never match the pain inside.
She loves somebody else.
Someone else?
Tromeo!
I got to stand here and watch that King Friday guy
and that guy scares the shit out of me, very frankly.
I don't know. Sesame Street's good.
They got them cute little two guys
living in the same room.
But Mr. Rogers, that's more on the community level.
So I disagree, I think they're both good programs.
I don't know what you're talking about.
We'd like to have a word with you.
- A word with me? - Yes.
Or better yet, how about a word for you?
Let's see.
A word for Tyrone Capulet.
Are you gonna take this, Tyrone?
Boofball.
Dickbrain.
Peon.
Freak.
Cocksucker.
Low-so, rat-catcher, geek.
Dufus, anus, fruitcake, lunk,
fiddlefucker, dweeb, feeb.
Cunt.
Assfuck, that one's close to the mark.
How about Guinea, schmuck, or pussyfart?
You finish yet?
No, not quite.
Dildo, birdbrained, bugger me biddy.
Bozo, fruitcake, mother fucking sissy.
Wanker, yellowbelly, hoedaddy, weeny.
Penis, troll, chucklehead, meany.
Fruit, galoot, fake hermaphrodite.
But what I think fits you most, is bitch.
- As in "about to be my..." - Fucking get him.
We just wanted to track down Tromeo, okay?
Hey, like if we knew we'd tell you anyway, huh?
If I had to guess it wouldn't be so tough.
I'd say he was in your cousin's mouth.
Hey, hey, hey, Ty.
Hello, Vic.
Hello, Tyrone.
Well, well, well.
Hello, nothing.
What prank are you pulling on my cousin, jerk?
Just 'cause you got a problem with me,
don't take it out on her.
It won't work.
I ain't got no problems with you.
The Ques have spilled blood, your side has too.
Let's call it even now, Tyrone, let's stop.
Hey, hey. Ty.
Aah!
Watering the weeds, huh?
I love it!
Afraid his precious cousin has been pinned to the bed
by Tromeo's spike, Tyrone?
Another butterfly in his cockboard collection.
- Get your fucking hand... - Forget it, Tyrone!
Get the fuck... Harry! Move it!
Major pain, Murray, major!
Oh, dear, Harry, I'm sorry.
I'm very... I'm, uh, I'm sorry.
You're the one I want!
Fuck me. Get him!
Oh!
Oh, my God.
Oh, man.
Come on, Ty, we gotta book it.
Get out of here! Let's get the fuck out of here.
Ty, come on, we got to go.
Let's get the fuck out of here.
Come on, let's go, let's go.
Hey, Ben, I think...
Ow!
When I was a kid, right,
I stepped on a nail one time.
It went right through the top of my foot.
I thought nothing would ever hurt worse.
I was wrong.
Man, I got to go soon.
Do me a favor?
Would you kiss me goodbye?
What?
It's my final fucking request, man.
Fuck.
Murray was a fag.
Tyrone!
Fuck, Peter, get him!
Get ready to die, motherfucker!
Get ready to die!
It happens to everyone sooner or ladder!
It's another New York thing.
Look at that!
My God, stop!
Tromeo, you fucking bastard!
Brian, you got to work hard to get ahead in life.
My hammock!
♪ Found a peanut, found a peanut just now ♪
♪ Just now I found a peanut, found a peanut just now ♪
♪ I cracked it open, cracked it... ♪
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Tromeo, come on, little cousin.
Let's get the hell out of here.
I'm coming, Ben!
Oh, my God.
Put it down! Put it down! It's dirty.
Let's go.
Oh, my knee. Oh, it really hurts!
My knee really hurts.
Fucking assholes!
Now you fucks have gone too far!
Goddamn heads bouncing off of cars
while long island families are singing "found a peanut!"
Well, he's "found a peanut," all right, honey.
He's found a peanut of death!
Now tell me who did this, tell me now
or God help me, I'll break his fucking nose off.
Tromeo, Tromeo Que did it.
Tromeo?
But why did he kill Tyrone?
Why?
Because your precious cunt Juliet
is spreading her legs for Tromeo.
Stop it, just stop it!
Don't you know? She's in love with a Que.
She broke off her engagement to London.
Daddy, I'm not dressed.
Are there any boundaries at all anymore?
Are there any lines that can't be crossed
by your generation of freaks?
I don't know what...
Shut up! Shut up!
I will not be undermined in my own home.
You listen to me.
You'll never ever see Tromeo Que again.
You may escape the cops with him, kid,
but you can't escape me.
I'll hire as many men as it takes,
spend every dollar I have
to get you back here and on that altar with Arbuckle!
Who I'm calling right now.
Who you're going to tell you have reconsidered.
Which is not up for debate.
Hello, Dad. Dad, is it you?
Dad.
Police! Open the fucking door!
Where is he? Where is your son?
I don't know. I don't know. You take me.
Come on now, honey.
Tell London what you just told me.
I made a mistake.
I would like you to take me back.
If?
If you'll have me.
Of course, I will have you, Juliet.
I love you.
- Benny! - What?
Do the funny voice!
- Do the funny voice, Benny! - I don't wanna do the funny voice.
Yes, do it!
Ugh. Alright.
Some glory in their birth, some in their skill,
some in their body's force.
Some in their garments, though new-fangled ill.
Some in their hawks and hounds, and some in their horse.
And every humour hath his adjunct pleasure,
wherein he finds a joy
above...
above the rest.
But these particulars are not my measure.
All these I better in one general best.
Thy love is better than huge birth to me,
Richer than garments' cost,
prouder than hawks and horses be.
And having thee, of all men's pride I boast:
Wretched in this alone,
that thou mayst take all this away
and me most wretched make.
Where is your cousin?
You know where he is.
- Eat me, Beretta. - Don't hit him!
Oh, Father, where can he be?
Come, child, I have something to show you.
If your faith is strong miracles can happen.
Juliet, you must have faith.
His cousin Benny called and told me what happened.
I was waiting for him.
When you're done, come into my office,
I have one last idea on how
to get you out of your fix with Arbuckle.
- Juliet. - Tromeo.
Tell me you don't hate me because I killed Ty.
No.
It's my fault, if it wasn't for me
he never would have gone after you like that.
No, it's not your fault, don't say that.
Juliet, I must leave here.
No.
The cops, the Caps, they're all after me.
They're gonna find me soon.
Please come with me.
Oh, yes!
But I have to get London
to change his mind about me first.
Or else he and my father will be after us forever.
I was hardly able to live being without you.
Your grace, I had no idea the dancers were topless.
They did raise a lot of money for the church, however.
Your grace, someone just came into my office,
I'll call you right back.
Dreadful man.
- You had an idea? - Yes.
I'm writing down the address of a man.
His name is Fu Chang. An herbalist.
He's run an opium den for 30 years
in the pit of Chinatown.
Here you go.
If anyone can conjure a way out of your fix,
it's that old sorcerer Fu Chang.
I don't know how to thank you for all your help.
It's its own reward, dear.
I too know what it's like to care for somebody.
Hurry along, girl. Hurry along.
Hey, Wendy, she wants to see Fu Chang.
You're Fu Chang?
I'm Fu Chang, get over it, girl.
What's that you need help with?
All right, well, it all started when my
father and Monty Que went to.
Tromaville High School together.
They started the Tromaville Film Society.
It wasn't long after that actually
that I came along and the first thing I remember
was probably my birthday.
And I got to the street and that's where I met
a woman outside and we came walking up the stairs
and she told the nice ladies with tattoos
to take me over to Fu Chang and then you said...
Enough, enough.
Whatever the case, old Fu Chang has got your answer.
You do?
This here is a mixture of herbs.
And that's sure to scare the shit right out of any meat freak
who admires too much your surface
and not enough the person beneath.
Act 5, Juliet made over.
I'm supposed to meet London here at noon.
He wants to see me before we marry.
Just relax, keep an eye out for my car outside your window.
We'll be there by 12:05.
Oh, my God.
Fu Chang ripped me off, $100 for colored water.
Juliet?
Are you okay in there?
Yes!
Yes, I'm fine!
She must be ringing up those 1-900 lines again.
Fu Chang didn't just rip me off,
he wanted to kill me.
Oh, true apothecary, thy drugs are quick.
Oh.
You didn't think a potion could do what he claimed.
Now did you, Juliet?
After all it wasn't F.D.A. approved.
You are correct, Prozac boy.
And in just a few minutes you'll be joining us.
Of course, you won't be as pretty as me.
It's only fair, don't you think, Juliet?
Because of you we are dead.
You find the greatest love the world has ever known.
And on the way we have to pay for it with our lives!
No.
As if miss Juliet Capulet is so all important,
and we're just little tiny ants to be squashed.
Oh, Sammy baby, you got that right.
- Squashed. - Squashed!
- Squashed. - Squashed.
- Decimated!
- Squashed. - Squashed!
No. No!
Take it fellows.
♪ Shall we gather at the river ♪
♪ Where bright angel feet have trod ♪
♪ With the crystal tide forever ♪
♪ That flows to the throne of God ♪
♪ Yes, we'll gather at the river ♪
♪ The beautiful, beautiful river ♪
♪ We gather with the saints at the river ♪
♪ That flows to the throne of God ♪
The potion is working.
Welcome back. Welcome back.
- Jerky? - Uh, later.
Ready for the big day, son?
Right this way, my boy.
You know, since we all had dinner together,
she's becoming a totally changed woman.
As a matter of fact...
You'll find that after you're married
she'll become a docile little bovine.
Now get on.
Padre, hurry!
Hail Mary, full of grace,
give this bitch the speed of the holy spirit!
Hello, Juliet.
I wanted to stop by before we got married to tell you that,
that I know that you don't love me now.
But I feel that in the future...
London.
But I do. I do love you.
No, no, no!
Oh, you're looking at my face, aren't you?
What... what happened?
It's just acne.
Acne, Juliet. That is not acne.
Did you see, this is why I was so hesitant?
My father only let me see you on good days.
Ugh!
Tell me you don't care, London.
Tell me your love for me goes beneath the hide, I mean, skin.
Oh, boy.
I have to think about this.
Wait.
I have a special little present just for you.
Surprise.
After all, you always said you loved the crying game.
Bye-bye.
You!
Makeup.
Bless you, my lamb.
You might as well have slipped your hand into my pocket
and taken out a billion dollars, girl.
God damn you.
You go ahead, Tromeo, I'll take care of these goons.
Fuck you!
Oh, God.
I'm going to kill you.
I'm going to kill you and fuck you at the same time.
No!
Juliet!
You leave your daughter alone.
Giovanni! Giovanni!
My love.
Giovanni!
I need my bow, my bow, my bow!
- Where is my bow? - Here you go, sir.
Where is my... Not my oboe, stupid, my crossbow!
Here, Mr. Capulet.
Crossbow, good, thank you.
Here comes William tell!
Shit.
I'm going to wipe you off the face of the earth
like a piece of shit from God's ass.
I hate you!
You sick bastard. Vicious mole of nature.
I can't see anything.
Come on, he's done.
You miserable fucking monkeys in heat.
Open that door. Open that door now!
Swing it wide.
Swing it open!
Move in, out.
Get up there in one piece.
I'm gonna be the one that's gonna break your bones.
Behold, old Capulet brings civilization to animals.
Look upon your glass coffin, kids.
Look upon my work, ye mighty, and despair!
Ozymandias, Percy Bysshe Shelley.
Now.
My little pumpkins.
My little joy.
I'm going to open this door
and you're going to follow me ever so quietly.
And go in ever so quietly and do just as I say.
Key.
Open, open, open.
No, honey, don't!
I'm not Daddy's little crenshaw melon any longer.
Don't! Don't, sweetie!
Well, looks like you are off the hook, kid,
thanks to your friend, the priest here.
He got a couple of very legitimate signed confessions
out of these two lumps.
It's not my fault. My father's an alcoholic.
And I'm a victim too.
Anyway, according to them you acted in self-defense
against this boofball Tyrone.
Thank you, Father.
What about what we did to Cap?
Open and shut, obviously just like you said, self-defense.
Matter of fact, I got a feeling with Cap out of the way
things are gonna be a lot more peaceful in Manhattan.
You guys are free to go.
You know, priest,
I like your style.
You ever consider coming to work for a guy like me?
Do you ever get the chance to work with kids?
Juliet!
Tromeo!
Come on, let's go, she just wants me to stay.
Tromeo!
Oh, thank the Lord you haven't left yet, son.
I've been as bad a father as I could be.
Dad, what are you talking about?
Your father and I, we need to tell you some things.
What's this?
It all started when I was married to your dad.
Now Monty as everybody knew was the triedest
and truest of the sentimental fools.
So Cap concocted a scheme to exploit
this trait to betray Mont's nature
by simply twisting fate.
First, I fooled him into thinking that the child
was his own and like an old mother hen
he got attached to the bone.
He thought never again would he ever be alone.
Second.
I broke him the news without remorse.
Hey, Monty jerk, I want a divorce
and if you want to know the truth,
this baby don't belong to you.
These days they can prove it in a lab.
Cap is, you are not the real dad.
So, hey, Monty, I'm taking him away
and you got no legal right to make him stay.
No, no! Don't! No!
Third. Cap told him how he could keep the kid.
- Sign right here... - He said.
...on the dotted line, this contract which makes
Silky Films all mine.
And so now Monty signed like Cappy asked.
Cap agreed we'd never take Tromeo back
and we would never breathe a word of the fact
that I was your mom, and Cap, he was your dad.
And I never have, that is to say until today.
So we got what we wanted.
Silky was won, but I never forgave myself
for losing a son.
So we're...
Son, perhaps you haven't noticed but I'm black.
I wondered about that.
But, Dad, why didn't you tell me about my... mother?
Because I didn't want that bitch whore
to have nothing, nothing to do with your life.
So you are my brother?
See, kids, that's why you can't be together.
Well?
Sweet are the uses of adversity
which, like the toad, ugly and venomous,
wears yet a precious jewel in his head.
Let every eye negotiate for itself and trust no agent.
What are you guys talking about?
Fuck it.
We've come this far.
Oh, no!
Epilogue, six years later,
"Tromaville, New Jersey, in the new world."
♪ Yes, we'll gather at the river, ♪
♪ the beautiful river. ♪
♪ Gather with the saints at the river ♪
♪ That flows to the throne of God. ♪
Without daddy's money,
it's nothing, isn't it?
Is that how you feel?
Yes.
Without the people he knows,
without him telling you what to do...
It's true.
Isn't it?
Yes.
And I've always been a nobody.
Always.
Haven't I?!
Yes.
Don't!
Oh, no!
Miss Que? Is everything alright in there? Miss Que?
There's noise so I'll be brief.
Oh, happy dagger,
here is thy sheath.
There rust and let me fucking die.
Hey, hey!
Monty!
How is my favorite daughter-in-law?
Kids! Grandpa's here!
Grandpa! Grandpa! Grandpa!
Oh, beautiful!
Little Murray's causing trouble again.
Hey, what's the matter, kid?
Need someone to play with? Daddy will play with you.
Hold on.
So this is the dawn of the 21st age
where love ever rules and all is insane.
And all of our hearts free to let all base things go.
As taught by Juliet and her Tromeo.
- Yeah. Oh, yeah. - Troma!
That is good.
Hey, now I don't have to read the play.
Yay!