1
00:00:02,036 --> 00:00:04,103
<i> ( '50s rock music playing )</i>

2
00:00:33,233 --> 00:00:36,401
( sighs )
IT'S SUCH
A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT.

3
00:00:36,403 --> 00:00:39,704
HARRY, WHY DON'T YOU
COME OUT AND LOOK
AT THE STARS WITH US?

4
00:00:39,706 --> 00:00:42,006
OH, NO, YOU'RE
NOT PUTTING ME OUT

5
00:00:42,008 --> 00:00:44,142
FOR THE NIGHT AGAIN.

6
00:00:44,144 --> 00:00:47,412
FOOL ME ONCE,
SHAME ON YOU.

7
00:00:47,414 --> 00:00:51,249
FOOL ME SIX TIMES,
SHAME ON ME.

8
00:00:51,251 --> 00:00:53,217
WHAT ARE YOU
BABBLING ABOUT NOW?

9
00:00:53,219 --> 00:00:55,921
IT'S JUST SOMETHING I LEARNED
FROM THIS SELF-HELP TAPE

10
00:00:55,923 --> 00:00:58,089
I BOUGHT AT THE YARD SALE
DOWN THE BLOCK.

11
00:00:58,091 --> 00:01:01,993
"DR. MARTIN BLAINE'S PATH
TO PERSONAL TRANSFORMATION:
SAY YES TO YOU."

12
00:01:01,995 --> 00:01:04,262
THIS IS GOING TO HELP ME
SOLVE MY CONFIDENCE PROBLEM.

13
00:01:04,264 --> 00:01:07,131
WHY DO YOU HAVE
A CONFIDENCE PROBLEM?
WHAT, ARE YOU STUPID?

14
00:01:08,469 --> 00:01:10,469
TOMMY, WHY AREN'T YOU
LOOKING AT THE STARS?

15
00:01:10,471 --> 00:01:12,337
I HAVE TOO MUCH
STUDYING TO DO, DICK.

16
00:01:12,339 --> 00:01:14,673
YOUR HOMEWORK IS TAKING UP
WAY TOO MUCH OF YOUR TIME.

17
00:01:14,675 --> 00:01:17,676
TELL ME ABOUT IT.
THEY'VE CHANGED PHYS ED
TO HEALTH CLASS,

18
00:01:17,678 --> 00:01:20,846
AND I HAVE TO MEMORIZE
287 DIFFERENT BODY PARTS.

19
00:01:20,848 --> 00:01:22,581
YOU HAVE
AN OWNER'S MANUAL?

20
00:01:25,418 --> 00:01:29,253
WELL, HERE'S A PICTURE
OF ALL THE DIFFERENT ORGANS
IN OUR ABDOMINAL CAVITY.

21
00:01:29,255 --> 00:01:31,723
- OH, MY GOD!
- OH, MY GOD!

22
00:01:31,725 --> 00:01:33,725
YOU KNOW,
I READ SOMEPLACE

23
00:01:33,727 --> 00:01:36,027
THAT YOU CAN STRETCH
A MAN'S NERVE ENDINGS

24
00:01:36,029 --> 00:01:38,897
FROM NEW YORK
TO SAN FRANCISCO,

25
00:01:38,899 --> 00:01:41,466
BUT HE WOULD DIE.

26
00:01:41,468 --> 00:01:43,468
LOOK, HERE'S
A SECTION

27
00:01:43,470 --> 00:01:45,637
ON VIRGINITY
AND ABSTINENCE.

28
00:01:45,639 --> 00:01:48,573
I HAVEN'T EXPERIENCED
SEX YET, SO...

29
00:01:48,575 --> 00:01:51,610
- I GUESS THAT
MAKES ME A VIRGIN.
- CONGRATULATIONS.

30
00:01:51,612 --> 00:01:54,613
THANKS.  IT FEELS
KIND OF WEIRD, YOU KNOW.

31
00:01:54,615 --> 00:01:57,849
I MEAN, I'M PROUD
OF IT, BUT I'M ALSO
A LITTLE EMBARRASSED.

32
00:01:57,851 --> 00:01:59,851
IS THERE ANYTHING
THAT MEN HAVE

33
00:01:59,853 --> 00:02:02,888
THAT THEY'RE BOTH
PROUD AND ASHAMED OF
AT THE SAME TIME?

34
00:02:03,991 --> 00:02:05,991
- NO.
- DRAWING A BLANK.

35
00:02:13,834 --> 00:02:17,002
"EZEKIEL BEGAT JEDIDIAH.
JEDIDIAH BEGAT EPHRAIM.

36
00:02:17,004 --> 00:02:19,404
EPHRAIM BEGAT LEMUEL."

37
00:02:19,406 --> 00:02:22,306
MAN, THESE PEOPLE
BEGAT THEIR BRAINS OUT.

38
00:02:22,308 --> 00:02:24,910
- GOOD MORNING,
DR. SOLOMON.
- YEAH.

39
00:02:24,912 --> 00:02:26,912
- WHEN'S YOUR BIRTHDAY?
- MY WHAT?

40
00:02:26,914 --> 00:02:29,347
I'M UPDATING
THE OFFICE BIRTHDAY LIST.
WHEN'S YOUR BIRTHDAY?

41
00:02:29,349 --> 00:02:32,216
- DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU?
- WHAT, ARE YOU PLEADING
THE FIFTH?

42
00:02:32,218 --> 00:02:34,953
THE FIFTH SOUNDS FINE.
THIS MONTH.

43
00:02:34,955 --> 00:02:38,356
AH, THAT'S THIS MONDAY.
HOW OLD WILL YOU BE?

44
00:02:38,358 --> 00:02:41,793
WHY DO I HAVE TO TELL
YOU A SPECIFIC NUMBER?
ARE YOU KEEPING SCORE?

45
00:02:41,795 --> 00:02:44,495
IF YOU'RE GOING TO GET
SENSITIVE, NEVER MIND.

46
00:02:44,497 --> 00:02:47,032
I JUST DON'T SEE WHY
AGE IS SO IMPORTANT.

47
00:02:47,034 --> 00:02:49,500
I'VE GUESS YOU'VE
GOT A MILESTONE
CREEPING UP ON YOU.

48
00:02:49,502 --> 00:02:51,870
NO.  NO, THAT'S
MY UNDERWEAR.

49
00:02:53,073 --> 00:02:55,407
- GOOD MORNING.
- HELLO, DR. ALBRIGHT.

50
00:02:55,409 --> 00:02:58,176
LAURIE, DR. SOLOMON.
LAURIE IVERS.

51
00:02:58,178 --> 00:02:59,378
- HELLO.
- HELLO.

52
00:02:59,380 --> 00:03:01,145
MY, YOU HAVE
A FIRM HANDSHAKE.

53
00:03:01,147 --> 00:03:03,982
- THANKS.
- LAURIE'S VISITING
THE CAMPUS FOR A FEW DAYS.

54
00:03:03,984 --> 00:03:07,118
YOU ARE IN REALLY
EXCELLENT CONDITION.

55
00:03:07,120 --> 00:03:09,621
- THANK YOU.
I WORK OUT A LOT.
- I CAN TELL.

56
00:03:09,623 --> 00:03:12,123
IT'S VERY FIRM.

57
00:03:12,125 --> 00:03:14,693
LAURIE'S STUDYING
FOR HER DOCTORATE
IN ANTHROPOLOGY.

58
00:03:14,695 --> 00:03:16,695
SHE'S CONSIDERING
COMING HERE TO PENDLETON.

59
00:03:16,697 --> 00:03:18,963
WELL, YOU'VE CHOSEN
A VERY MEDIOCRE
INSTITUTION,

60
00:03:18,965 --> 00:03:20,965
- AND WE'D LOVE TO HAVE YOU.
- ( Albright laughs )

61
00:03:20,967 --> 00:03:22,967
THANKS.

62
00:03:22,969 --> 00:03:25,036
WOULD YOU SHAKE
MY HAND AGAIN?

63
00:03:25,038 --> 00:03:27,038
UM, I SUPPOSE.

64
00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:29,808
( whimpers )

65
00:03:29,810 --> 00:03:32,644
NINA, WHY DON'T
YOU TAKE LAURIE

66
00:03:32,646 --> 00:03:35,079
TO THE LIBRARY TO SHOW
HER THE INCA EXHIBIT?

67
00:03:35,081 --> 00:03:37,482
EXHIBIT?
IT'S THREE COINS
AND A SPOON.

68
00:03:37,484 --> 00:03:40,385
DON'T SPOIL IT FOR HER,
JUST TAKE HER.

69
00:03:40,387 --> 00:03:42,854
IT WAS NICE MEETING YOU.

70
00:03:42,856 --> 00:03:46,024
WHAT A COINCIDENCE.
IT WAS NICE MEETING YOU.

71
00:03:47,661 --> 00:03:51,530
- WILL YOU ACT YOUR AGE?
- WHAT HAS MY AGE
HAVE TO DO WITH IT?

72
00:03:51,532 --> 00:03:53,565
- LIKE YOU DIDN'T KNOW.
- I<i> DON'T</i> KNOW.

73
00:03:53,567 --> 00:03:55,801
- WELL, I DO.
- WHAT ARE WE TALKING ABOUT?

74
00:03:55,803 --> 00:03:58,437
ALL I KNOW IS THAT
WHEN I WAS LAURIE'S AGE,

75
00:03:58,439 --> 00:04:01,573
I DID NOT APPRECIATE
HAVING MIDDLE-AGED MEN
FAWN OVER ME.

76
00:04:01,575 --> 00:04:03,341
YOU WERE ONCE HER AGE?

77
00:04:06,413 --> 00:04:08,413
YES, BELIEVE IT OR NOT.

78
00:04:08,415 --> 00:04:10,849
VERY WELL.
NOT IT IS.

79
00:04:18,324 --> 00:04:20,725
NOW, YOU SAY MRS. DUBCEK
BROUGHT IT TO US?

80
00:04:20,727 --> 00:04:23,128
UH-HUH.

81
00:04:23,130 --> 00:04:25,063
WHAT DO YOU
THINK IT WANTS?

82
00:04:26,833 --> 00:04:29,067
WHAT IS IT TRYING
TO TELL US?

83
00:04:29,069 --> 00:04:31,670
THE THING THAT
SCARES ME THE MOST

84
00:04:31,672 --> 00:04:34,172
ARE THE LITTLE ORANGES
IN ITS STOMACH.

85
00:04:38,278 --> 00:04:40,411
Man:
<i> Hello, I'm</i>
<i> Dr. Martin Blaine.</i>

86
00:04:40,413 --> 00:04:43,314
<i> Come join me on a path</i>
<i> to personal transformation.</i>

87
00:04:43,316 --> 00:04:45,616
-<i> Say yes to you.</i>
- YES.

88
00:04:47,487 --> 00:04:50,689
<i> First of all, you should</i>
<i> learn to be comfortable</i>
<i> talking about yourself.</i>

89
00:04:50,691 --> 00:04:53,457
<i> When asked your name,</i>
<i> you should say it</i>
<i> loud and clear.</i>

90
00:04:53,459 --> 00:04:55,760
<i> Let's try this out.</i>
<i> What's your name?</i>

91
00:04:56,830 --> 00:04:59,397
<i> That's a great name.</i>

92
00:04:59,399 --> 00:05:01,566
<i> What is your</i>
<i> primary goal?</i>

93
00:05:01,568 --> 00:05:04,402
HARRY SOLOMON.

94
00:05:04,404 --> 00:05:07,405
TOMMY!  SALLY!
HARRY, COME IN HERE.

95
00:05:07,407 --> 00:05:09,708
( gasps )
WHAT'S THAT?

96
00:05:09,710 --> 00:05:13,144
DON'T WORRY.
WE'VE KILLED IT.

97
00:05:13,146 --> 00:05:15,980
- SIT DOWN.
WE HAVE TO TALK.
- Sally: WHAT IS IT?

98
00:05:15,982 --> 00:05:18,449
THERE'S AN IMPORTANT
DETAIL THAT WE FORGOT
TO ATTEND TO.

99
00:05:18,451 --> 00:05:20,451
- WE NEED BIRTHDAYS.
- NO, THANK YOU.

100
00:05:20,453 --> 00:05:22,687
THIS GUY I SAW
AT A RESTAURANT
HAD A BIRTHDAY.

101
00:05:22,689 --> 00:05:25,990
THEY SET HIS FOOD ON FIRE
AND THEN BLEW ON IT.

102
00:05:25,992 --> 00:05:28,093
WELL, NEVERTHELESS,
WE HAVE TO HAVE THEM

103
00:05:28,095 --> 00:05:30,095
AND WE HAVE TO KNOW
HOW OLD WE ARE.

104
00:05:30,097 --> 00:05:31,830
FOR SOME REASON,
WE'RE EXPECTED TO ACT OUR AGE,

105
00:05:31,832 --> 00:05:33,732
AND WE DON'T
EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT IS.

106
00:05:33,734 --> 00:05:35,200
HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED
TO FIGURE IT OUT?

107
00:05:35,202 --> 00:05:36,400
WE'RE SMART.
WE'LL GUESS.

108
00:05:36,402 --> 00:05:38,403
HOW OLD WOULD
YOU SAY I AM?

109
00:05:38,405 --> 00:05:40,338
I'M GOING TO SAY 35.

110
00:05:42,543 --> 00:05:45,844
- WHAT'S SO FUNNY?
- IT JUST KIND OF
SOUNDS RIDICULOUS.

111
00:05:45,846 --> 00:05:48,079
- OKAY, 39.
- HELLO.

112
00:05:48,081 --> 00:05:50,549
- COME ON.
- 40?

113
00:05:50,551 --> 00:05:53,585
-<i> HONESTLY.</i>
- 41, 2, 3, 4?

114
00:05:53,587 --> 00:05:55,587
UH... 5.

115
00:05:55,589 --> 00:05:57,589
- YEAH!
- 45, OKAY.

116
00:05:57,591 --> 00:06:00,759
45'S FINE.
BODY'S BROKEN IN.
IT'S STILL SOLID.

117
00:06:00,761 --> 00:06:02,727
NOT TOO OLD
TO HAVE SEX.

118
00:06:04,097 --> 00:06:07,032
UH, COMMANDER,
PERMISSION TO SPEAK FREELY?

119
00:06:07,034 --> 00:06:09,034
PERMISSION GRANTED.

120
00:06:09,036 --> 00:06:11,603
- HUMANS OVER 35
CANNOT HAVE SEX.
- NO!

121
00:06:11,605 --> 00:06:13,838
GIVE IT UP.
IT'S OVER.

122
00:06:13,840 --> 00:06:16,074
WELL, WHY?  THEY HAVE
THE SAME EQUIPMENT.

123
00:06:16,076 --> 00:06:18,409
'CAUSE IT'S GROSS,
THAT'S WHY.

124
00:06:18,411 --> 00:06:20,411
- HOW OLD ARE YOU?
- 14.

125
00:06:20,413 --> 00:06:22,814
- CAN YOU HAVE SEX?
- WELL, I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO.

126
00:06:22,816 --> 00:06:26,217
- WHY NOT?
- APPARENTLY, I HAVE
MY "WHOLE LIFE AHEAD OF ME."

127
00:06:27,888 --> 00:06:30,655
DICK, CAN I BE 70?

128
00:06:30,657 --> 00:06:34,158
- WHY?
- WELL, THAT PAUL
NEWMAN GUY IS 70,

129
00:06:34,160 --> 00:06:36,561
AND PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS SAYING
THAT HE LOOKS GREAT.

130
00:06:36,563 --> 00:06:38,563
DONE.  YOU'RE 70.

131
00:06:38,565 --> 00:06:40,765
- AND?
- YOU LOOK GREAT.

132
00:06:43,336 --> 00:06:44,469
SALLY, HOW OLD
ARE YOU?

133
00:06:44,471 --> 00:06:45,804
WELL...

134
00:06:45,806 --> 00:06:48,940
WHATEVER THE PERFECT
AGE IS, I'M IT.

135
00:06:48,942 --> 00:06:52,577
MAYBE I GOT STUCK
WITH BEING A WOMAN, BUT
AT LEAST I'M IN MY PRIME.

136
00:06:52,579 --> 00:06:56,180
- CHECK OUT HOW FIRM
THIS IS, HUH?
- ( whistles )

137
00:06:56,182 --> 00:06:59,718
YOU KNOW, IF I WAS A GUY,
I'D BE ALL OVER ME
RIGHT NOW.

138
00:07:01,254 --> 00:07:04,288
IF I WAS A GUY,
I WOULD BE, TOO.

139
00:07:09,062 --> 00:07:12,631
NOW THAT YOU BOYS
ARE GOING THROUGH
THE ROAD TO MANHOOD,

140
00:07:12,633 --> 00:07:16,200
I'M SURE MANY OF YOU HAVE
NOTICED CERTAIN... FEELINGS.

141
00:07:17,604 --> 00:07:19,738
- WHAT IS IT, SOLOMON?
- WHAT KIND OF FEELINGS?

142
00:07:19,740 --> 00:07:23,074
- YOU KNOW WHAT KIND
OF FEELINGS.
- NO, I DON'T.

143
00:07:23,076 --> 00:07:25,243
YOU'LL KNOW 'EM
WHEN YOU GET 'EM, HMM?

144
00:07:25,245 --> 00:07:26,878
NOW,
THEY'RE PERFECTLY NORMAL.

145
00:07:26,880 --> 00:07:29,047
FOR GOD'S SAKE,
DON'T ACT ON 'EM.

146
00:07:29,049 --> 00:07:31,082
SORRY, YOU'RE LOSING ME.

147
00:07:31,084 --> 00:07:34,719
YOU PLAY SPORTS,
YOU FOCUS ON YOUR SCHOOLWORK,

148
00:07:34,721 --> 00:07:38,790
AND WHEN YOU TAKE A SHOWER,
YOU WASH YOUR HAIR AND GET
THE HELL OUT OF THERE.

149
00:07:38,792 --> 00:07:41,359
( gasps )
OH, YOU'RE TALKING
ABOUT SEX!

150
00:07:41,361 --> 00:07:43,862
- YES.
- GREAT!  GREAT.

151
00:07:43,864 --> 00:07:46,464
TELL ME EXACTLY
HOW IT'S DONE.

152
00:07:48,568 --> 00:07:50,568
WELL,

153
00:07:50,570 --> 00:07:52,737
YOU'RE... MEN.

154
00:07:52,739 --> 00:07:55,740
AND YOUR MALE
AND YOUR FEMALE,

155
00:07:55,742 --> 00:07:57,808
THEY HAVE THESE...
CERTAIN PARTS

156
00:07:57,810 --> 00:08:00,811
THAT ARE, UH...
HOW DO YOU CALL, UH...?

157
00:08:03,350 --> 00:08:05,416
COMPLEMENTARY
TO EACH OTHER.

158
00:08:07,187 --> 00:08:09,187
THESE PARTS
COME INTO PLAY...

159
00:08:11,358 --> 00:08:13,358
AND THAT'S HOW
WE ALL WERE BORN.

160
00:08:13,360 --> 00:08:16,027
I'M SORRY, BUT
CAN WE GET SOMEBODY

161
00:08:16,029 --> 00:08:18,162
WHO'S ACTUALLY HAD SEX
TO TEACH THIS CLASS?

162
00:08:18,164 --> 00:08:20,531
THERE.

163
00:08:22,903 --> 00:08:25,904
THANKS FOR SHOWING ME
AROUND THE CAMPUS TODAY.

164
00:08:25,906 --> 00:08:29,641
- YOU KNOW, YOU ARE
REALLY A LOT OF FUN.
- I KNOW.

165
00:08:29,643 --> 00:08:32,978
LAURIE, I WAS
HAVING A DISCUSSION
WITH A YOUNG MAN LAST NIGHT,

166
00:08:32,980 --> 00:08:36,648
AND HE SAID THAT SOMEONE
MY AGE WAS TOO OLD TO--

167
00:08:36,650 --> 00:08:39,017
WELL, JUST TOO OLD.

168
00:08:39,019 --> 00:08:41,620
THAT IS SO TYPICAL
OF OUR CULTURE.

169
00:08:41,622 --> 00:08:45,323
YOU KNOW, IN MANY
ANCIENT SOCIETIES,
LIKE THE INCAS,

170
00:08:45,325 --> 00:08:47,358
AGE WAS WORSHIPED
AND REVERED.

171
00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:49,628
THAT'S ALL
I'M ASKING FOR.

172
00:08:50,998 --> 00:08:53,665
EXACTLY WHEN DOES
PUBERTY END FOR A MAN?

173
00:08:53,667 --> 00:08:56,501
SIX MONTHS AFTER DEATH.

174
00:08:58,238 --> 00:09:01,106
GUYS MY AGE ARE ALWAYS
TRYING TO PROVE SOMETHING,

175
00:09:01,108 --> 00:09:03,674
NOT LIKE OLDER MEN.

176
00:09:03,676 --> 00:09:07,345
THEY'VE BEEN THERE.
THEY'VE DONE IT.
IT SHOWS.

177
00:09:09,082 --> 00:09:11,716
LIKE YOU.  YOU'VE REALLY
GOT YOUR HEAD TOGETHER.

178
00:09:11,718 --> 00:09:13,218
ACTUALLY,
IT CAME THAT WAY.

179
00:09:13,220 --> 00:09:15,419
( giggles )

180
00:09:15,421 --> 00:09:17,655
( both laughing )

181
00:09:17,657 --> 00:09:19,858
WELL, I'D BETTER
GET MOVING.

182
00:09:19,860 --> 00:09:22,894
YOU<i> ARE</i> MOVING.
EVERYTHING ON THIS
PLANET IS MOVING.

183
00:09:24,197 --> 00:09:26,364
- YOU ARE SO CLEVER.
- OH, NO.

184
00:09:27,901 --> 00:09:30,835
- WELL, BYE, DR. ALBRIGHT.
- BYE.

185
00:09:30,837 --> 00:09:33,004
- SEE YA.
- BECAUSE YOU'RE
STILL LOOKING.

186
00:09:41,714 --> 00:09:44,482
YOU CAN BREATHE NOW.

187
00:09:44,484 --> 00:09:47,952
HEY, IF YOU COULD CHANGE
ONE THING ABOUT ME,

188
00:09:47,954 --> 00:09:49,888
WHAT WOULD IT BE?

189
00:09:51,724 --> 00:09:53,892
- NOTHING.
- BINGO.

190
00:09:55,962 --> 00:09:58,763
DOESN'T GET ANY BETTER
THAN THIS, HUH?

191
00:09:58,765 --> 00:10:02,466
CHECK THIS OUT.
SEE HOW THIS CURVES
IN RIGHT HERE, RIGHT?

192
00:10:02,468 --> 00:10:04,969
WATCH THIS.
UPSY-DAISY.

193
00:10:04,971 --> 00:10:07,471
SPRINGS BACK
JUST LIKE A CAT.

194
00:10:09,776 --> 00:10:11,776
LAURIE SAYS
THAT MEN MY AGE

195
00:10:11,778 --> 00:10:14,745
SHOULD BE WORSHIPED
AND REVERED, LIKE THE INCAS.

196
00:10:14,747 --> 00:10:17,248
- DON'T YOU THINK
THAT'S RIGHT?
- YES.

197
00:10:17,250 --> 00:10:20,484
THE INCAS WOULD TAKE
A PROMINENT MAN,

198
00:10:20,486 --> 00:10:22,486
LIKE YOU,

199
00:10:22,488 --> 00:10:25,756
AND THEY WOULD
ANOINT HIM WITH OILS,
ADORN HIM WITH ROBES,

200
00:10:25,758 --> 00:10:28,492
AND THEN THE HIGH PRIEST
WOULD CUT HIM UP

201
00:10:28,494 --> 00:10:30,795
AND THEN RAM A STICK
IN HIS HEAD

202
00:10:30,797 --> 00:10:33,965
AND PARADE THE HEAD
THROUGH THE VILLAGE,

203
00:10:33,967 --> 00:10:36,868
AND THE YOUNG VIRGINS
WOULD THROW FLOWERS AT HIM.

204
00:10:38,571 --> 00:10:40,638
WHAT KIND OF FLOWERS?

205
00:10:42,775 --> 00:10:44,943
IT SAYS HERE THAT
THIS IS GUARANTEED

206
00:10:44,945 --> 00:10:47,278
TO RESTORE
YOUR NATURAL LUSTER.

207
00:10:47,280 --> 00:10:49,881
OH, DICK, YOU'RE GETTING
YOUR LUSTER BACK.

208
00:10:49,883 --> 00:10:52,583
THAT'S WONDERFUL.
HOW MUCH LONGER?

209
00:10:52,585 --> 00:10:54,819
OH, TWO MINUTES.

210
00:10:54,821 --> 00:10:57,488
TV Announcer:
<i> Welcome back to</i>
<i> "The Miss Universe Pageant."</i>

211
00:10:57,490 --> 00:11:00,491
<i> And now we continue</i>
<i> with our Parade of Nations.</i>

212
00:11:00,493 --> 00:11:02,493
<i> Miss Finland.</i>

213
00:11:02,495 --> 00:11:05,763
WELL, THEY ONLY HAVE
CONTESTANTS FROM EARTH.

214
00:11:05,765 --> 00:11:07,899
I THINK THIS PAGEANT
IS FIXED.

215
00:11:07,901 --> 00:11:09,934
THESE WOMEN
SHOULD BE ENORMOUS.

216
00:11:09,936 --> 00:11:13,037
MISS UNIVERSE SHOULD HAVE
HER OWN GRAVITATIONAL PULL.

217
00:11:13,039 --> 00:11:15,339
I THINK I'M FEELING IT.

218
00:11:16,710 --> 00:11:20,045
MY PRIMARY GOAL IS
TO MEET MISS FINLAND.

219
00:11:20,047 --> 00:11:22,881
I<i> WILL</i> MEET
MISS FINLAND.

220
00:11:22,883 --> 00:11:25,950
I DESERVE TO MEET
MISS FINLAND.

221
00:11:25,952 --> 00:11:29,320
OOH!  CHECK OUT THE YABOS
ON MISS TUNISIA.

222
00:11:29,322 --> 00:11:31,689
I DESERVE THOSE YABOS.

223
00:11:32,926 --> 00:11:35,659
THESE WOMEN,
THEY'RE ALL VIBRANT,

224
00:11:35,661 --> 00:11:38,229
HEALTHY, STRONG, YOUNG.
THEY'RE JUST LIKE SALLY.

225
00:11:38,231 --> 00:11:41,032
YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN
THINKING ABOUT THIS.

226
00:11:41,034 --> 00:11:43,868
EVERY TIME I TURN ON THE TV
OR OPEN A MAGAZINE,

227
00:11:43,870 --> 00:11:45,870
I SEE PEOPLE LIKE ME.

228
00:11:45,872 --> 00:11:49,307
ALL THE ADS
ARE AIMED AT ME.
I AM WHAT COUNTS.

229
00:11:49,309 --> 00:11:52,410
I THINK YOU'RE FULL
OF SOMETHING, LIEUTENANT.

230
00:11:52,412 --> 00:11:55,914
NO, NO, NO, NO.
IF I DON'T WATCH
A TV SHOW, IT'S CANCELED.

231
00:11:55,916 --> 00:11:57,916
I DON'T LIKE
A SOFT DRINK, HISTORY.

232
00:11:57,918 --> 00:12:00,684
IF I DON'T LIKE A CERTAIN
FEMININE PRODUCT WITH WINGS,

233
00:12:00,686 --> 00:12:02,653
THEY'LL MAKE ONE
WITH A PROPELLER.

234
00:12:04,524 --> 00:12:07,191
I AM THE TARGET
DEMOGRAPHIC.

235
00:12:07,193 --> 00:12:09,493
FACE IT, DICK.
I'M YOUNG,

236
00:12:09,495 --> 00:12:12,163
HOT AND ALL-POWERFUL.

237
00:12:12,165 --> 00:12:14,598
YOU JUST SAID
YES TO YOU.

238
00:12:14,600 --> 00:12:16,801
-<i> ( timer dings )</i>
- I'M DONE.

239
00:12:18,171 --> 00:12:20,538
HOW DO I LOOK?

240
00:12:20,540 --> 00:12:22,540
UM... DICK,

241
00:12:22,542 --> 00:12:24,542
UM... OKAY,
IF SOMEBODY

242
00:12:24,544 --> 00:12:26,710
WERE HELPING YOU
WITH AN EXPERIMENT

243
00:12:26,712 --> 00:12:28,813
AND THINGS WENT AWRY

244
00:12:28,815 --> 00:12:30,881
AND YOU BECAME
HORRIBLY DISFIGURED,

245
00:12:30,883 --> 00:12:33,584
- YOU WOULDN'T HOLD IT
AGAINST THEM, NOW WOULD YOU?
- WHY?  WHAT HAPPENED?

246
00:12:33,586 --> 00:12:36,854
NOTHING.  DESTROY
ALL THE MIRRORS NOW!

247
00:12:36,856 --> 00:12:39,357
NO, NO!
I'VE GOT TO SEE!

248
00:12:40,593 --> 00:12:43,361
OH, MY GOD!

249
00:12:43,363 --> 00:12:45,296
I'M GORGEOUS!

250
00:12:55,808 --> 00:12:57,808
GOOD MORNING, NINA.

251
00:12:57,810 --> 00:13:00,478
WELL!
GOOD MORNING.

252
00:13:00,480 --> 00:13:02,981
I WAS GOING TO ASK
WHAT YOU DID THIS WEEKEND,

253
00:13:02,983 --> 00:13:05,816
BUT I THINK
IT'S PAINFULLY CLEAR.

254
00:13:05,818 --> 00:13:08,719
BY THE WAY,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

255
00:13:08,721 --> 00:13:10,721
OH...

256
00:13:14,560 --> 00:13:16,494
( groans )

257
00:13:19,299 --> 00:13:21,232
BRACE YOURSELF.

258
00:13:23,003 --> 00:13:25,436
HELLO--
OH, MY GOD!

259
00:13:25,438 --> 00:13:28,006
WHAT'S THE MATTER?

260
00:13:28,008 --> 00:13:30,608
NOTHING.

261
00:13:30,610 --> 00:13:33,777
- LAURIE CALLED ME
LAST NIGHT.
- REALLY?

262
00:13:33,779 --> 00:13:36,714
- WHAT DID SHE SAY?
-<i> ( squeaks )</i>

263
00:13:38,751 --> 00:13:41,085
- WHAT WAS THAT?
- WHAT?

264
00:13:41,087 --> 00:13:43,121
<i> ( squeaks )</i>

265
00:13:44,257 --> 00:13:46,290
THAT-- THAT SQUEAKING.

266
00:13:46,292 --> 00:13:49,294
- I HAVE NO IDEA.
-<i> ( squeaking )</i>

267
00:13:50,831 --> 00:13:52,797
( squeaking continues )

268
00:14:02,142 --> 00:14:04,475
WHAT DID LAURIE SAY
WHEN YOU TALKED TO HER?

269
00:14:23,196 --> 00:14:25,596
SHE'S DECIDED TO COME
HERE NEXT YEAR.

270
00:14:25,598 --> 00:14:28,399
OH, ISN'T THAT NICE?

271
00:14:28,401 --> 00:14:30,568
YES.

272
00:14:30,570 --> 00:14:33,071
UM...

273
00:14:33,073 --> 00:14:36,174
COULD YOU WALK OVER THERE
AND GET ME THAT PENCIL?

274
00:14:41,248 --> 00:14:43,647
BUT YOU HAVE ONE
RIGHT ON YOUR DESK.

275
00:14:43,649 --> 00:14:45,649
I KNOW, BUT...

276
00:14:45,651 --> 00:14:47,852
I NEED THAT ONE.

277
00:14:48,955 --> 00:14:51,022
- OKAY.
- ( squeaking )

278
00:15:01,368 --> 00:15:03,368
THANK YOU.

279
00:15:03,370 --> 00:15:06,637
OH, I GOT YOU
A BIRTHDAY CARD.

280
00:15:06,639 --> 00:15:08,940
HMM.  "HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

281
00:15:08,942 --> 00:15:10,942
YOU LOOK LIKE
A MILLION DOLLARS."

282
00:15:10,944 --> 00:15:12,944
OH!

283
00:15:12,946 --> 00:15:14,879
"OLD AND WRINKLED."

284
00:15:16,216 --> 00:15:18,249
WHAT KIND OF A CRUEL
HOAX IS THIS?

285
00:15:18,251 --> 00:15:20,118
IT'S A HALLMARK CARD.

286
00:15:20,120 --> 00:15:22,787
A HALLMARK
OF DEGRADATION!

287
00:15:22,789 --> 00:15:25,924
THE FIRST LINE
LULLED ME INTO A FALSE
SENSE OF SECURITY,

288
00:15:25,926 --> 00:15:28,059
THEN THE SECOND LINE
RIPPED OUT MY HEART

289
00:15:28,061 --> 00:15:30,061
AND SLAPPED ME
ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT,

290
00:15:30,063 --> 00:15:32,730
- AWAKENING ME
TO HARSH REALITY.
- IT'S AN OLD JOKE!

291
00:15:32,732 --> 00:15:34,732
FOR AN OLD FOOL!

292
00:15:34,734 --> 00:15:36,734
WELL, I WANT
NO PART OF IT.

293
00:15:36,736 --> 00:15:39,670
I'M LEAVING, WHILE I
STILL HAVE MY DIGNITY.

294
00:15:39,672 --> 00:15:41,872
( squeaking )

295
00:15:58,224 --> 00:16:00,224
Dr. Blaine:
<i> Congratulations,</i>
<i> you have completed</i>

296
00:16:00,226 --> 00:16:02,226
<i> your path to personal</i>
<i> transformation.</i>

297
00:16:02,228 --> 00:16:04,829
-<i> Say yes to you.</i>
- YES.

298
00:16:04,831 --> 00:16:07,832
<i> And never forget,</i>
<i> when the world</i>
<i> gets you down,</i>

299
00:16:07,834 --> 00:16:09,834
<i> stay positive.</i>

300
00:16:09,836 --> 00:16:12,403
I'M ALMOST COMPLETELY
SURE THAT I WILL.

301
00:16:14,507 --> 00:16:16,907
DAMN!  A WRINKLE!

302
00:16:20,981 --> 00:16:22,981
I'VE PEAKED!

303
00:16:26,652 --> 00:16:29,153
THE TRUTH IS,
TIME MEASURED IN YEARS

304
00:16:29,155 --> 00:16:31,155
WOULD HAVE
NO SIGNIFICANCE AT ALL

305
00:16:31,157 --> 00:16:33,291
IF A SECOND-RATE SUN
HADN'T PULLED THIS PLANET

306
00:16:33,293 --> 00:16:36,294
INTO THE LITTLE SUCK PARTY
WE CALL GRAVITY,

307
00:16:36,296 --> 00:16:39,863
CAUSING EVERYTHING ON IT
TO WITHER... AND DIE.

308
00:16:39,865 --> 00:16:42,032
THOUGHTS ON THAT?  BUG?

309
00:16:42,034 --> 00:16:44,102
IT DOESN'T LOOK
DYED TO ME.

310
00:16:46,772 --> 00:16:48,772
LET ME SIMPLIFY.

311
00:16:48,774 --> 00:16:51,342
IF A YEAR IS NOT A YEAR
ANYWHERE BUT EARTH,

312
00:16:51,344 --> 00:16:54,112
WHAT DOES THAT MAKE TIME
IN THE UNIVERSE?

313
00:16:54,114 --> 00:16:56,214
LEON, TIME IS WHAT?

314
00:16:56,216 --> 00:16:58,849
DON'T THINK, LEON.
JUST ANSWER.
TIME IS WHAT?

315
00:16:58,851 --> 00:17:01,619
- TAKE A SHOT.  GO!
- TIME IS RELATIVE?

316
00:17:03,389 --> 00:17:06,190
MY GOD, LEON,
YOU'RE RIGHT!

317
00:17:06,192 --> 00:17:08,859
MY HEAD HURTS.

318
00:17:08,861 --> 00:17:11,295
LEON, I HAVE
A FOLLOW-UP QUESTION.

319
00:17:11,297 --> 00:17:13,964
- ( groans )
-<i> ( class bell rings )</i>

320
00:17:13,966 --> 00:17:16,300
SORRY, TIME IS UP.
OH, AND BY THE WAY,

321
00:17:16,302 --> 00:17:18,569
YOU'RE ALL
55 MINUTES OLDER.

322
00:17:19,839 --> 00:17:23,441
- DR. SOLOMON.
- LAURIE.

323
00:17:23,443 --> 00:17:25,543
I COULDN'T LEAVE
WITHOUT SAYING GOOD-BYE.

324
00:17:25,545 --> 00:17:29,113
AND I COULDN'T SAY GOOD-BYE
WITHOUT YOUR LEAVING.

325
00:17:29,115 --> 00:17:30,915
OH, YOU CHANGED YOUR HAIR.

326
00:17:30,917 --> 00:17:33,617
FINALLY,
SOMEONE NOTICED.

327
00:17:33,619 --> 00:17:35,553
LAURIE, CAR'S OUTSIDE.

328
00:17:35,555 --> 00:17:38,356
- I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.
- WHO'S THAT?

329
00:17:38,358 --> 00:17:40,525
THAT'S DOUG.
HE'S MY BOYFRIEND.

330
00:17:40,527 --> 00:17:42,527
I THOUGHT YOU
ONLY LIKED OLDER MEN.

331
00:17:42,529 --> 00:17:44,962
I DO.  HE'S 29.

332
00:17:46,266 --> 00:17:48,199
BYE.

333
00:17:56,909 --> 00:17:59,610
DR. SOLOMON,
THERE YOU ARE.

334
00:17:59,612 --> 00:18:02,113
REMEMBER WE WERE
SUPPOSED TO MEET
IN YOUR OFFICE?

335
00:18:02,115 --> 00:18:04,115
FORGIVE ME.
MY TIRED BRAIN FORGOT,

336
00:18:04,117 --> 00:18:07,285
WHILE YOUR YOUTHFUL SYNAPSES
STORED THE INFORMATION

337
00:18:07,287 --> 00:18:09,320
AND RETRIEVED THEM,
SSST, LIKE A FLASH.

338
00:18:09,322 --> 00:18:12,723
OKAY, I'LL COME BACK.

339
00:18:12,725 --> 00:18:14,959
LEON, LET ME ASK
YOU SOMETHING.

340
00:18:16,463 --> 00:18:19,197
LET'S SAY THAT TWO PEOPLE
OF DIFFERENT AGES MET

341
00:18:19,199 --> 00:18:21,299
AT A UNIVERSITY.

342
00:18:21,301 --> 00:18:24,635
ONE IS OLDER BUT DASHING,
THE OTHER, YOUTHFUL
AND STIMULATING.

343
00:18:24,637 --> 00:18:27,037
THEY OBVIOUSLY ENJOY
EACH OTHER'S COMPANY,

344
00:18:27,039 --> 00:18:30,941
BUT THE AGE DIFFERENCE
KEEPS ASSERTING ITSELF.

345
00:18:30,943 --> 00:18:34,712
DO YOU THINK THAT
THAT SHOULD MAKE
A RELATIONSHIP IMPOSSIBLE?

346
00:18:34,714 --> 00:18:38,149
DR. SOLOMON, ARE YOU
COMING ON TO ME?

347
00:18:38,151 --> 00:18:40,918
OH!  NEVER MIND!

348
00:18:43,990 --> 00:18:46,324
OH, DICK.

349
00:18:46,326 --> 00:18:48,926
YOUR POSTURE TELLS ME
YOU'VE GOT THE BLUES.

350
00:18:48,928 --> 00:18:50,995
LET MY POSITIVE ENERGY

351
00:18:50,997 --> 00:18:53,564
SPARK YOU OUT
OF YOUR DOLDRUMS
AND INTO A HAPPIER--

352
00:18:53,566 --> 00:18:56,300
- OH, GO AWAY.
- I WILL.  AND THANKS
FOR LISTENING.

353
00:19:01,007 --> 00:19:03,174
HELLO.

354
00:19:03,176 --> 00:19:06,877
- HOW'RE YOU FEELING?
- LIKE A MILLION DOLLARS.

355
00:19:06,879 --> 00:19:09,580
I THOUGHT I'D TRY THIS
AGAIN.  OH, HERE.

356
00:19:11,083 --> 00:19:13,584
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY...

357
00:19:13,586 --> 00:19:15,853
FROM DR. ALBRIGHT."

358
00:19:15,855 --> 00:19:17,888
YOU WROTE THIS YOURSELF.

359
00:19:17,890 --> 00:19:19,823
YES.

360
00:19:20,926 --> 00:19:22,926
THANK YOU.
IT'S JUST LOVELY.

361
00:19:22,928 --> 00:19:24,529
YOU'RE WELCOME.

362
00:19:24,531 --> 00:19:26,496
DR. ALBRIGHT,

363
00:19:26,498 --> 00:19:28,532
HAVE I BEEN
A PERFECT ASS?

364
00:19:28,534 --> 00:19:30,601
NOBODY'S PERFECT.

365
00:19:31,771 --> 00:19:34,038
WHY DO I HAVE
TO BE THIS AGE?

366
00:19:34,040 --> 00:19:37,441
YOU'RE FOCUSING TOO MUCH
ON THE CONTAINER.

367
00:19:37,443 --> 00:19:39,443
THIS BODY IS NOT YOU.

368
00:19:39,445 --> 00:19:41,445
- I KNOW THAT.
- NO, YOU DON'T.

369
00:19:41,447 --> 00:19:43,681
- TRUST ME, I DO.
- NO, I DON'T THINK YOU DO.

370
00:19:43,683 --> 00:19:45,683
- IF YOU THINK--
- NO-- SHUT UP.

371
00:19:45,685 --> 00:19:48,886
YOU'RE ONLY ON THIS EARTH
A SHORT AMOUNT OF TIME.

372
00:19:48,888 --> 00:19:51,955
WELL, THAT WAS THE PLAN.
( sighs )

373
00:19:51,957 --> 00:19:55,125
LISTEN, IF WE'RE
OVER THE HILL,

374
00:19:55,127 --> 00:19:58,696
WE MIGHT AS WELL
ENJOY THE RIDE DOWN.

375
00:19:59,799 --> 00:20:01,332
THANK YOU
FOR SAYING "WE."

376
00:20:01,334 --> 00:20:04,602
( chuckles )
IT JUST SLIPPED OUT.

377
00:20:18,318 --> 00:20:21,285
YOU KNOW, THE LIGHT
OF THE MOON IS
SO MAGICAL.

378
00:20:21,287 --> 00:20:23,721
IT SHOWS ME WHAT YOU
MUST HAVE LOOKED LIKE

379
00:20:23,723 --> 00:20:25,656
SO MANY YEARS AGO.

380
00:20:29,295 --> 00:20:32,162
THAT WAS...
ALMOST BEAUTIFUL.

381
00:20:34,867 --> 00:20:37,201
SO, THIS IS
YOUR FAVORITE SPOT.

382
00:20:38,504 --> 00:20:40,738
IT'S SO...

383
00:20:40,740 --> 00:20:42,707
CHEAP.

384
00:20:44,477 --> 00:20:47,278
I THINK GRAY HAIR MAKES
YOU LOOK DISTINGUISHED.

385
00:20:47,280 --> 00:20:50,814
THANK YOU.
I THINK YOU WOULD LOOK
DISTINGUISHED WITH GRAY HAIR.

386
00:20:50,816 --> 00:20:52,983
NO, I DON'T THINK SO.

387
00:20:52,985 --> 00:20:54,785
MEN LOOK DISTINGUISHED
WITH GRAY HAIR.

388
00:20:54,787 --> 00:20:56,454
WOMEN JUST LOOK OLD.

389
00:20:56,456 --> 00:20:58,456
WHEN WOMEN GET BREASTS,
THEY LOOK SEXY.

390
00:20:58,458 --> 00:21:01,058
WHEN MEN GET BREASTS,
THEY LOOK OLD.

391
00:21:03,529 --> 00:21:06,464
GOOD POINT.

392
00:21:06,466 --> 00:21:08,499
HOW OLD ARE YOU?

393
00:21:08,501 --> 00:21:10,534
- HOW OLD ARE YOU?
- YOU FIRST.

394
00:21:10,536 --> 00:21:12,470
- NO, YOU FIRST.
- YOU.

395
00:21:13,706 --> 00:21:15,740
- 42.
- ME, TOO!

396
00:21:21,147 --> 00:21:23,648
<i> ( theme music playing )</i>