1
00:00:02,036 --> 00:00:04,203
<i> ( '50s rock music playing )</i>

2
00:00:32,133 --> 00:00:34,466
OH, I'VE BEEN THERE

3
00:00:34,468 --> 00:00:36,935
AND THERE,
AND I'VE BEEN THERE.

4
00:00:36,937 --> 00:00:40,339
WOW!  THE LONG, BORING
STORIES YOU MUST HAVE.

5
00:00:41,675 --> 00:00:44,676
I HAVE ANOTHER DESTINATION
FOR YOU, TOMMY-- HIGH SCHOOL.

6
00:00:44,678 --> 00:00:46,845
WHY?  I FINISHED
MY EDUCATION

7
00:00:46,847 --> 00:00:49,314
WHEN YOU WERE NOTHING
BUT A SNOT-NOSED GAS BALL.

8
00:00:49,316 --> 00:00:52,251
THAT SOUNDS LIKE A VERY
DANGEROUS ASSIGNMENT.

9
00:00:52,253 --> 00:00:55,020
- SHOULDN'T I TAKE THAT ON?
- NO.  WE HAVE TO TRY
TO ASSUME

10
00:00:55,022 --> 00:00:57,056
THE ROLES OF
A REGULAR HUMAN FAMILY.

11
00:00:57,058 --> 00:00:59,691
SINCE TOMMY'S THE ADOLESCENT,
HE'LL HAVE TO GO TO SCHOOL.

12
00:00:59,693 --> 00:01:02,594
AND YOU WILL
EXPLORE THE LIFESTYLE
OF A YOUNG ADULT WOMAN.

13
00:01:02,596 --> 00:01:05,330
AND I, AS THE BENEVOLENT
FATHER FIGURE,

14
00:01:05,332 --> 00:01:07,332
WILL PROVIDE THE MAJOR
SOURCE OF INCOME

15
00:01:07,334 --> 00:01:10,001
AND GIVE YOU
CUTE NICKNAMES.

16
00:01:10,003 --> 00:01:12,037
- DICK?
- WHAT IS IT, KITTEN?

17
00:01:15,576 --> 00:01:17,676
WHAT'S MY ROLE
IN THE FAMILY?

18
00:01:17,678 --> 00:01:20,345
YOU'RE THE BROTHER
WHO TRIES HARD

19
00:01:20,347 --> 00:01:23,082
BUT STILL DOESN'T HAVE
THE NERVE TO MOVE OUT
ON HIS OWN,

20
00:01:23,084 --> 00:01:25,250
BUT WE LOVE YOUR PLUCK
AND DETERMINATION.

21
00:01:25,252 --> 00:01:27,186
BUT I CAN DO MORE.

22
00:01:27,188 --> 00:01:30,189
YOU SEE?
THAT'S THE PLUCK
THAT WE LOVE.

23
00:01:30,191 --> 00:01:33,959
NOW, LET'S JUST BE
THE WARM HUMAN FAMILY
THAT WE ARE.

24
00:01:33,961 --> 00:01:36,195
- AFTER YOU.
- WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?

25
00:01:36,197 --> 00:01:38,363
I'VE SEEN MEN
DO IT ALL THE TIME.

26
00:01:38,365 --> 00:01:41,500
APPARENTLY, WOMEN DON'T KNOW
HOW TO OPERATE DOORS.

27
00:01:41,502 --> 00:01:43,502
WELL, I DO.

28
00:01:43,504 --> 00:01:46,938
OH, DICK, I'VE THOUGHT
OF A JOB FOR MYSELF.

29
00:01:46,940 --> 00:01:48,940
I CAN CATALOG
THE DANGERS

30
00:01:48,942 --> 00:01:51,310
THAT SURROUND US
ON THIS PLANET.

31
00:01:51,312 --> 00:01:53,912
FOR EXAMPLE, GETTING
YOUR FINGERS CRUSHED

32
00:01:53,914 --> 00:01:55,880
IN A CAR DOOR.

33
00:01:57,118 --> 00:01:59,151
OW.

34
00:01:59,153 --> 00:02:01,553
OW.  OW.

35
00:02:01,555 --> 00:02:04,123
<i> ♪ HEY, MISTER SPACE MAN. ♪</i>

36
00:02:05,659 --> 00:02:07,759
WHY ARE YOU LISTENING
TO THE SERPENT?

37
00:02:09,396 --> 00:02:11,330
DON'T EAT THE FRUIT.

38
00:02:11,332 --> 00:02:13,999
DON'T EAT THE FRUIT.

39
00:02:14,001 --> 00:02:16,067
( sighs )

40
00:02:16,069 --> 00:02:18,003
WOMEN.

41
00:02:19,673 --> 00:02:22,641
DEAN SUMNER'S OFFICE CALLED.
YOU PARKED IN HIS SPACE.

42
00:02:22,643 --> 00:02:25,076
I KNOW.  IT'S SO MUCH
CLOSER THAN MINE.

43
00:02:25,078 --> 00:02:27,546
- Sally:<i> MOVE IT, LADY!</i>
- AND YOUR SISTER'S HERE.

44
00:02:27,548 --> 00:02:30,616
- SALLY, I THOUGHT
I LEFT YOU AT HOME.
- YOU FORGOT YOUR SHOES.

45
00:02:30,618 --> 00:02:33,185
( mutters )

46
00:02:33,187 --> 00:02:35,187
WHAT'S WITH
THE GUY IN 114?

47
00:02:35,189 --> 00:02:37,856
EVERY TIME I WALK BY,
HE FOLLOWS ME
AND TALKS TO ME.

48
00:02:37,858 --> 00:02:41,260
I THINK SOMEBODY
HAS AN ADMIRER.

49
00:02:41,262 --> 00:02:43,662
GREAT.  NOW CAN WE
TALK ABOUT ME?

50
00:02:43,664 --> 00:02:46,365
SALLY, ARE YOU
SEEING ANYONE NOW?

51
00:02:46,367 --> 00:02:48,634
I'M LOOKING AT YOU,
AREN'T I?

52
00:02:48,636 --> 00:02:52,304
FOR GOD'S SAKES,
HE'S TRYING TO ASK
YOU ON A DATE.

53
00:02:52,306 --> 00:02:54,273
A DATE.
IT'S A PERFECT OPPORTUNITY.

54
00:02:54,275 --> 00:02:56,241
- YOU'LL GO.
- NO, I WON'T.

55
00:02:56,243 --> 00:02:58,843
- TRUST ME, I KNOW WHAT'S BEST.
- WHY ARE YOU TREATING ME
LIKE THIS?

56
00:02:58,845 --> 00:03:01,246
- LIKE WHAT?
- LIKE THIS.

57
00:03:01,248 --> 00:03:04,249
- I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING.
- YOU'RE ACTING AS IF I CAN'T
MAKE DECISIONS FOR MYSELF.

58
00:03:04,251 --> 00:03:07,118
- I AM SECOND IN COMMAND.
- ONE OF US HAS TO
EXPERIENCE SEX,

59
00:03:07,120 --> 00:03:09,488
AND I'M GETTING
NOWHERE WITH HER.

60
00:03:11,292 --> 00:03:13,292
WELL, WHY DIDN'T
YOU SAY SO?

61
00:03:13,294 --> 00:03:15,727
IF SEX IS SO IMPORTANT,
YOU AND I COULD DO IT

62
00:03:15,729 --> 00:03:18,730
RIGHT HERE ON THE DESK,
GET IT OUT OF THE WAY.

63
00:03:18,732 --> 00:03:21,099
OKAY,

64
00:03:21,101 --> 00:03:24,969
I'LL LEAVE YOU CLAMPETTS
ALONE TO YOUR BANJO LESSON.

65
00:03:30,977 --> 00:03:33,478
"WHEN BEETLES FIGHT
THESE BATTLES IN A BOTTLE
WITH THEIR PADDLES,

66
00:03:33,480 --> 00:03:36,815
AND THE BOTTLE'S IN
A POODLE AND THE POODLE'S
EATING NOODLES,

67
00:03:36,817 --> 00:03:38,817
THEY CALL THIS A MUDDLE
PUDDLE TWEETLE POODLE

68
00:03:38,819 --> 00:03:40,785
BEETLE NOODLE
BOTTLE PADDLE BATTLE."

69
00:03:43,023 --> 00:03:45,023
THIS MAN IS A GENIUS.

70
00:03:45,025 --> 00:03:47,025
<i> ( footsteps )</i>

71
00:03:47,027 --> 00:03:50,429
WELL, IF IT ISN'T
OUR PROUD LITTLE STUDENT.

72
00:03:50,431 --> 00:03:52,431
WHAT DID YOU LEARN
ON YOUR FIRST DAY?

73
00:03:52,433 --> 00:03:54,433
I'M WEARING THE WRONG
KIND OF SNEAKERS,

74
00:03:54,435 --> 00:03:56,435
AND GIRLS
ONLY LIKE SENIORS,

75
00:03:56,437 --> 00:03:59,304
AND, MAN, YOU CAN'T
COMPLIMENT ANYBODY
IN THE SHOWER.

76
00:04:01,408 --> 00:04:04,343
YOU SEE,
AND YOU THOUGHT
YOU KNEW EVERYTHING.

77
00:04:04,345 --> 00:04:07,279
SALLY, YOU'RE GOING TO
BE LATE FOR YOUR DATE!

78
00:04:07,281 --> 00:04:09,248
Sally:
<i> I JUST DON'T KNOW</i>
<i> WHAT TO WEAR!</i>

79
00:04:14,388 --> 00:04:17,522
- IS THIS APPROPRIATE?
- I WOULD SAY YES.

80
00:04:17,524 --> 00:04:19,591
COME ON, MEN.
WHAT DO I DO ON A DATE?

81
00:04:19,593 --> 00:04:21,793
I'VE BEEN READING ABOUT IT.
I'LL WALK YOU THROUGH IT.

82
00:04:21,795 --> 00:04:23,795
- I'LL BE YOUR DATE.
- YOU'RE NOT DOING ANYTHING

83
00:04:23,797 --> 00:04:25,797
UNTIL YOU'VE DONE
YOUR HOMEWORK, OLD MAN.

84
00:04:25,799 --> 00:04:27,799
YOU GUYS GET
TO TALK ABOUT SEX

85
00:04:27,801 --> 00:04:31,303
WHILE I MAKE AN AZTEC
VILLAGE OUT OF MACARONI?

86
00:04:31,305 --> 00:04:33,338
THIS IS FAIR.

87
00:04:33,340 --> 00:04:36,007
OKAY, HARRY,
YOU'RE BRAD,

88
00:04:36,009 --> 00:04:39,010
AND THE TWO OF YOU ARE
AT A ROMANTIC RESTAURANT.

89
00:04:39,012 --> 00:04:41,913
HERE.

90
00:04:41,915 --> 00:04:44,048
OKAY, NOW GO AHEAD.

91
00:04:44,050 --> 00:04:46,418
I DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO DO.

92
00:04:46,420 --> 00:04:49,688
GAZE INTO HIS EYES
THE WAY DR. ALBRIGHT

93
00:04:49,690 --> 00:04:51,623
GAZES INTO MINE.
YOU KNOW...

94
00:04:55,996 --> 00:04:58,229
THAT'S PERFECT.
NOW, BREAK THE ICE

95
00:04:58,231 --> 00:05:00,465
BY TELLING HIM SOMETHING
PERSONAL ABOUT YOURSELF.

96
00:05:00,467 --> 00:05:03,635
WELL, UH, BRAD...
( clears throat )

97
00:05:03,637 --> 00:05:07,138
ONCE EVERY LUNAR CYCLE,
MY UTERINE LINING
SLOUGHS ITSELF, THEREBY--

98
00:05:07,140 --> 00:05:09,708
- WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!
- ( Dick humming )

99
00:05:09,710 --> 00:05:11,677
OH, OH!

100
00:05:16,517 --> 00:05:18,517
THAT MAY BE TOO PERSONAL.

101
00:05:18,519 --> 00:05:20,519
IT DOES.
ONE MINUTE, I'M FINE.

102
00:05:20,521 --> 00:05:23,355
- THE NEXT, MY UTERUS
STARTS THROBBING--
- HEY!

103
00:05:23,357 --> 00:05:25,957
( yells gibberish )

104
00:05:28,362 --> 00:05:30,362
THERE IS SOMETHING
TO BE SAID

105
00:05:30,364 --> 00:05:32,564
FOR KEEPING SOME MYSTERY
IN A RELATIONSHIP.

106
00:05:32,566 --> 00:05:35,066
WHEN DO I GET TO TOUCH
YOUR BREASTS?

107
00:05:36,737 --> 00:05:38,970
RIGHT BEFORE YOU DIE.

108
00:05:38,972 --> 00:05:41,139
FAIR ENOUGH.

109
00:05:42,376 --> 00:05:44,810
OW, OW, OW, OW, AYE, AYE.

110
00:05:44,812 --> 00:05:47,178
♪ RAINBOWS, DAISIES ♪

111
00:05:47,180 --> 00:05:50,415
♪ SNOWFLAKES,
THAT GIRL. ♪

112
00:05:51,719 --> 00:05:54,419
( gasps )
MY BOYS.

113
00:05:54,421 --> 00:05:56,221
( laughing )

114
00:05:59,059 --> 00:06:02,293
SHE'S SWALLOWED
A TINY MONKEY.

115
00:06:02,295 --> 00:06:05,564
SO, LIEUTENANT,
GIVE US A FULL REPORT
ON YOUR ASSIGNMENT.

116
00:06:05,566 --> 00:06:08,700
HE WAS WONDERFUL.
HE THINKS I'M WONDERFUL.

117
00:06:08,702 --> 00:06:11,035
HE ASKED ME WHERE
I'D BEEN ALL HIS LIFE.

118
00:06:11,037 --> 00:06:13,872
- YOU DIDN'T TELL HIM?
- ALL THE COORDINATES.

119
00:06:13,874 --> 00:06:17,342
THANK GOODNESS HE DIDN'T
BELIEVE ME, SO I DIDN'T
HAVE TO KILL HIM.

120
00:06:17,344 --> 00:06:20,979
- WHAT HAPPENED AFTER DINNER?
- WELL, HE WANTED
TO SLEEP WITH ME.

121
00:06:20,981 --> 00:06:24,416
- I WANTED SEX, BUT SINCE HE
WAS TIRED, I LET HIM GO HOME.
- DAMN.

122
00:06:24,418 --> 00:06:26,852
BUT...

123
00:06:26,854 --> 00:06:30,188
THE GOOD NEWS IS...
( sighs )

124
00:06:30,190 --> 00:06:32,123
HE'S GONNA CALL ME.

125
00:06:35,863 --> 00:06:38,730
I WISH I COULD MEET
A GUY LIKE THAT.

126
00:06:43,704 --> 00:06:46,671
COME ON, SPORT,
I'LL DRIVE YOU TO SCHOOL.

127
00:06:48,074 --> 00:06:50,409
- BITE ME.
- BITE ME, WHAT?

128
00:06:50,411 --> 00:06:52,343
BITE ME, DADDY.

129
00:06:53,514 --> 00:06:55,580
THAT'S BETTER.

130
00:06:55,582 --> 00:06:57,582
SEE YOU TONIGHT,
SLUGGER.

131
00:06:57,584 --> 00:07:01,085
NO, YOU WON'T 'CAUSE
I'LL BE OUT WITH BRAD,

132
00:07:01,087 --> 00:07:03,121
HAVING FUN.

133
00:07:05,592 --> 00:07:08,359
ALL RIGHT,
GOOD JOB.

134
00:07:08,361 --> 00:07:10,361
COME ON.
LET'S KEEP IT
MOVING, SOLOMON.

135
00:07:10,363 --> 00:07:13,732
- CLIMB THE ROPE.
- YEAH.  WHAT'S AT
THE TOP OF THE ROPE?

136
00:07:13,734 --> 00:07:16,468
YOUR SELF-RESPECT IS
AT THE TOP OF THE ROPE.

137
00:07:16,470 --> 00:07:19,170
RUN THIS BY ME AGAIN.
I CLIMB UP THERE,

138
00:07:19,172 --> 00:07:21,105
AND THEN I...?

139
00:07:22,175 --> 00:07:24,810
YOU CLIMB DOWN!

140
00:07:24,812 --> 00:07:27,546
AND THIS GIVES ME
SELF-RESPECT BECAUSE...?

141
00:07:27,548 --> 00:07:29,581
LOOK, YOU DON'T WANT
TO CLIMB THE ROPE,

142
00:07:29,583 --> 00:07:32,751
YOU CAN GO SIT OVER
THERE WITH THE GIRLS.

143
00:07:34,421 --> 00:07:36,521
SO, IF I DON'T
CLIMB THE ROPE,

144
00:07:36,523 --> 00:07:39,223
- THEN I SIT
WITH THE GIRLS.
- THAT'S RIGHT.

145
00:07:39,225 --> 00:07:42,327
HELP ME OUT HERE
'CAUSE I'M NOT SEEING
THE DOWNSIDE.

146
00:07:49,803 --> 00:07:52,704
- ( snaps )
- MUST YOU MAKE
SUCH A RACKET?!

147
00:07:56,743 --> 00:07:58,844
OKAY,

148
00:07:58,846 --> 00:08:01,913
YOU'VE BOSSED ME AROUND
FOR THE LAST TIME.

149
00:08:04,150 --> 00:08:07,218
OH, I'M SORRY
I BLEW UP LIKE THAT.

150
00:08:09,155 --> 00:08:10,856
<i> ( snaps )</i>

151
00:08:12,359 --> 00:08:14,292
( bottles clattering )

152
00:08:21,101 --> 00:08:23,267
THERE HE IS.

153
00:08:23,269 --> 00:08:25,303
THERE HE IS.

154
00:08:25,305 --> 00:08:27,606
THERE HE IS.

155
00:08:27,608 --> 00:08:30,241
YOU KNOW, WHAT GOES ON
OUTSIDE THIS OFFICE

156
00:08:30,243 --> 00:08:34,012
- IS REALLY NONE
OF MY BUSINESS.
- THERE HE IS.

157
00:08:34,014 --> 00:08:36,014
JUST BECAUSE I SET
SALLY UP WITH BRAD

158
00:08:36,016 --> 00:08:38,817
DOESN'T MEAN YOU'RE
UNDER ANY OBLIGATION
TO TELL ME HOW IT WENT.

159
00:08:38,819 --> 00:08:41,553
- THERE HE IS.
- I'M NOT EVEN CURIOUS.

160
00:08:41,555 --> 00:08:44,022
MM-HMM, RIGHT THERE.

161
00:08:44,024 --> 00:08:46,190
SALLY'S DATE?
START TALKING.

162
00:08:46,192 --> 00:08:49,628
WELL, WHAT CAN I SAY?
IN HER OWN WORDS,
IT WAS WONDERFUL.

163
00:08:49,630 --> 00:08:52,697
- Both: MM-HMM.
- SHE OVERATE, AND HE
FOUND HER CHARMING.

164
00:08:52,699 --> 00:08:55,834
- MM-HMM.
- IN FACT, HE'S
GOING TO CALL HER.

165
00:08:55,836 --> 00:08:58,336
Both: MMM.

166
00:08:58,338 --> 00:09:00,605
WHAT?

167
00:09:04,811 --> 00:09:06,845
ORANGE JUICE.

168
00:09:08,148 --> 00:09:10,214
AH!  NONTOXIC.

169
00:09:13,620 --> 00:09:16,621
TABASCO.

170
00:09:16,623 --> 00:09:19,925
AH!  ALSO NONTOXIC.

171
00:09:19,927 --> 00:09:22,160
- HE SAID HE'D CALL.
- YES, I KNOW.

172
00:09:22,162 --> 00:09:24,429
HE PROMISED.
HE SAID HE'D CALL.

173
00:09:24,431 --> 00:09:26,598
- THAT CHANGES EVERYTHING.
- I CAN TAKE MORE PAIN

174
00:09:26,600 --> 00:09:30,268
THAN THE REST OF YOU PUT
TOGETHER, BUT RIGHT NOW
I JUST FEEL SO...

175
00:09:30,270 --> 00:09:32,270
ICKY.

176
00:09:32,272 --> 00:09:34,372
DAMN IT, DICK, GIVE ME
SOME PAIN I CAN DEFINE.

177
00:09:34,374 --> 00:09:37,642
I AM NOT GOING
TO JAM YOUR HAND
IN THE TOASTER AGAIN.

178
00:09:37,644 --> 00:09:41,613
YOU JUST CAN'T IMAGINE
WHAT IT FEELS LIKE, DICK.

179
00:09:41,615 --> 00:09:43,147
IT'S LIKE HE REACHED IN,

180
00:09:43,149 --> 00:09:46,250
AND PULLED ALL THE BONES
OUT OF MY BODY.

181
00:09:48,521 --> 00:09:49,988
( crying )

182
00:09:51,391 --> 00:09:53,491
MY GOD!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

183
00:09:55,696 --> 00:09:57,629
APPARENTLY, I'M LEAKING.

184
00:10:00,801 --> 00:10:02,767
WELL, STOP IT!

185
00:10:05,772 --> 00:10:08,073
ALL RIGHT, COMMANDER.
( sobs )

186
00:10:12,278 --> 00:10:15,046
WINE COOLER.

187
00:10:15,048 --> 00:10:17,682
AH!  I COULD GO
EITHER WAY.

188
00:10:19,486 --> 00:10:21,486
LIEUTENANT,
WE NEED TO TALK.

189
00:10:21,488 --> 00:10:24,422
THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT.
I DIDN'T WANT TO BE THE WOMAN.
YOU MADE ME BE THE WOMAN.

190
00:10:24,424 --> 00:10:26,390
YOU'RE A DECORATED VETERAN.
I THOUGHT YOU COULD HANDLE IT.

191
00:10:26,392 --> 00:10:29,293
WELL, I CAN'T.
THIS IS HARD.

192
00:10:29,295 --> 00:10:33,064
PLEASE, DON'T.
NO.  PLEASE DON'T.

193
00:10:33,066 --> 00:10:35,967
IT WENT SO GREAT.
BRAD SAID HE LIKED ME.

194
00:10:35,969 --> 00:10:38,069
WHY WON'T HE CALL?
( sobbing )

195
00:10:39,439 --> 00:10:41,372
- THERE, THERE.
- ( groans )

196
00:10:42,943 --> 00:10:45,710
MAYBE HE CAN'T CALL.
MAYBE HIS PHONE IS OUT.

197
00:10:45,712 --> 00:10:47,946
MAYBE HE INJURED HIMSELF
RUNNING WITH SCISSORS

198
00:10:47,948 --> 00:10:50,448
OR USED A DRY CLEANING
BAG AS A TOY.

199
00:10:51,551 --> 00:10:53,918
DICK...

200
00:10:53,920 --> 00:10:57,221
I'VE LOST ALL FEELING
IN THE LEFT SIDE
OF MY BODY.

201
00:10:58,992 --> 00:11:02,127
COULD SOMEBODY
PLEASE CALL 1-1-6?

202
00:11:02,129 --> 00:11:04,195
DO NOT TOUCH
THAT PHONE!

203
00:11:04,197 --> 00:11:06,230
- OH, DAD!
- NOW WHAT IS IT?

204
00:11:06,232 --> 00:11:09,267
MY TEACHERS WANT TO TALK
TO YOU ABOUT MY ATTITUDE,

205
00:11:09,269 --> 00:11:11,269
AS IF I HAVE
AN ATTITUDE.

206
00:11:11,271 --> 00:11:13,371
( sighs )
THIS IS JUST PERFECT.

207
00:11:13,373 --> 00:11:16,107
I TRY TO MOLD US
INTO A FAMILY
THAT WILL BLEND IN,

208
00:11:16,109 --> 00:11:18,109
AND WHAT DO I GET?
A SURLY TEENAGER,

209
00:11:18,111 --> 00:11:21,179
A SISTER OBSESSED
WITH A MAN, AND A BROTHER
WHO DRINKS TOO MUCH.

210
00:11:21,181 --> 00:11:24,015
IS THERE ANOTHER
FAMILY IN THE WHOLE
WORLD LIKE THIS?

211
00:11:24,017 --> 00:11:25,950
I DON'T THINK SO.

212
00:11:27,754 --> 00:11:29,988
- FRANKLY, I CAN'T
TAKE IT ANYMORE.
- ME, NEITHER.

213
00:11:29,990 --> 00:11:32,691
- I'M OUTTA HERE.
- I HAVE GOT TO FIND OUT
WHAT HAPPENED TO BRAD.

214
00:11:32,693 --> 00:11:35,359
"INDUCE VOMITING."
THERE'S AN IDEA.

215
00:11:37,564 --> 00:11:41,132
IF ANYBODY NEEDS ME,
I'LL BE IN THE GARAGE...

216
00:11:41,134 --> 00:11:43,068
PUTTING UP PEG BOARD.

217
00:11:52,846 --> 00:11:54,779
- HELLO, BRAD.
- SALLY.

218
00:11:55,916 --> 00:11:57,916
I'VE COME TO CHECK
YOUR PHONE.

219
00:12:04,557 --> 00:12:06,858
SALLY, PLEASE,
CALM DOWN.

220
00:12:06,860 --> 00:12:10,095
NO, YOU MAY NOT
MAIM HARRY.

221
00:12:10,097 --> 00:12:12,964
I DON'T KNOW,
FIND SOMEONE
ON THE STREET.

222
00:12:14,835 --> 00:12:18,103
- TROUBLE AT HOME?
- NO.  WHY WOULD YOU
SAY THAT?

223
00:12:18,105 --> 00:12:20,338
- HE DIDN'T CALL, DID HE?
- NOT YET.

224
00:12:20,340 --> 00:12:23,341
Both: MMM.

225
00:12:23,343 --> 00:12:26,978
I JUST WISH SALLY HAD
SOME WOMAN FRIENDS
TO TURN TO.

226
00:12:26,980 --> 00:12:29,513
- ARE YOU ASKING FOR MY HELP?
- ARE YOU OFFERING IT?

227
00:12:29,515 --> 00:12:31,449
HOW CAN I BE OFFERING
IF I DON'T KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE ASKING?

228
00:12:31,451 --> 00:12:34,252
- WHY WOULD I ASK?
I DON'T NEED HELP.
- THEN I'M NOT OFFERING.

229
00:12:34,254 --> 00:12:36,254
FINE WITH ME.

230
00:12:36,256 --> 00:12:38,456
YOU CAN'T SAY IT,
CAN YOU?

231
00:12:39,860 --> 00:12:42,460
HELP ME!

232
00:12:42,462 --> 00:12:45,730
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
I CAN'T STAND TO SEE
HER LIKE THIS.

233
00:12:45,732 --> 00:12:47,565
THERE, THAT
WASN'T SO HARD.

234
00:12:47,567 --> 00:12:49,567
- THEN YOU'LL HELP?
- NO.

235
00:12:49,569 --> 00:12:51,636
CAN'T YOU JUST TAKE HER
OUT TONIGHT AND TALK TO HER?

236
00:12:51,638 --> 00:12:54,272
YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO ALONE.
NINA WOULD BE HAPPY
TO JOIN YOU.

237
00:12:54,274 --> 00:12:56,274
OOH, I'M SORRY,

238
00:12:56,276 --> 00:12:59,543
TONIGHT'S THE NIGHT I'M
HAVING MY EYES GOUGED OUT.

239
00:12:59,545 --> 00:13:01,646
CAN'T YOU RESCHEDULE IT?

240
00:13:01,648 --> 00:13:04,149
PUT YOURSELF IN HER POSITION--
YOU GO OUT ON A DATE,

241
00:13:04,151 --> 00:13:06,818
YOU HAVE A WONDERFUL TIME,
VARIOUS AROUSING STIMULI

242
00:13:06,820 --> 00:13:08,820
FLY BACK AND FORTH
ACROSS THE TABLE,

243
00:13:08,822 --> 00:13:11,956
AND THEN HE DOESN'T CALL.
HOW WOULD YOU REPAIR
YOURSELF?

244
00:13:11,958 --> 00:13:14,859
I'D GET GOOD AND TOASTED
AND CALL HIM FILTHY NAMES.

245
00:13:14,861 --> 00:13:17,962
YES, GREAT.
NOW GO AND DO THAT
WITH SALLY.

246
00:13:17,964 --> 00:13:19,964
YOU'RE BUYING.

247
00:13:19,966 --> 00:13:22,133
OF COURSE.

248
00:13:22,135 --> 00:13:24,735
OH, SHE'S WAY MORE
UPSET THAN THAT.

249
00:13:30,376 --> 00:13:32,743
DR. SOLOMON,
LET ME BE BLUNT.

250
00:13:32,745 --> 00:13:34,879
TOMMY SEEMS TO HAVE
A PROBLEM WITH AUTHORITY.

251
00:13:34,881 --> 00:13:36,647
AND JIMMY REFUSED
TO CLIMB THE ROPE.

252
00:13:36,649 --> 00:13:38,917
WHAT WAS AT THE TOP
OF THE ROPE?

253
00:13:44,191 --> 00:13:48,359
IF HE WERE MY BOY,
I'D WARM UP HIS LITTLE BOTTOM.

254
00:13:48,361 --> 00:13:51,595
YOU'RE THE ONE WHO
DIDN'T WANT HIM SITTING
WITH THE GIRLS, RIGHT?

255
00:13:55,768 --> 00:13:59,137
I THINK HE'S JUST JEALOUS
BECAUSE I'VE DONE SO MUCH
BETTER THAN HE HAS.

256
00:13:59,139 --> 00:14:02,373
DR. SOLOMON,
NOBODY EVER SAID
BEING A FATHER IS EASY.

257
00:14:02,375 --> 00:14:06,311
YOU'RE TELLING ME.
SOME OF YOU MUST
HAVE CHILDREN,

258
00:14:06,313 --> 00:14:09,347
AS FRIGHTENING
AS THAT THOUGHT IS.

259
00:14:09,349 --> 00:14:11,049
WHAT DO YOU DO?

260
00:14:11,051 --> 00:14:14,285
YOU NEED TO SET A GOOD
EXAMPLE FOR YOUR SON
TO LIVE UP TO.

261
00:14:14,287 --> 00:14:17,889
SINCE WHEN DID MY SON
BECOME MY RESPONSIBILITY?

262
00:14:17,891 --> 00:14:20,558
YOU'RE THE ONES WHO ARE
FALLING DOWN ON THE JOB.

263
00:14:20,560 --> 00:14:22,560
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO
BE EDUCATING HIM.

264
00:14:22,562 --> 00:14:25,563
KNOWLEDGE IS THE ONLY
CHANCE THIS PLANET HAS
FOR SURVIVAL.

265
00:14:25,565 --> 00:14:28,466
ONE DAY YOU'RE GOING TO
HAVE TO FIND SOMEONE TO PULL
YOUR COLLECTIVE BUTTS

266
00:14:28,468 --> 00:14:30,935
OUT OF THE COSMIC PLIERS,
AND ALL YOU'LL HAVE
TO PICK FROM

267
00:14:30,937 --> 00:14:32,703
IS A BUNCH
OF ROPE CLIMBERS!

268
00:14:32,705 --> 00:14:34,705
DR. SOLOMON,
I THINK YOU'RE AVOIDING

269
00:14:34,707 --> 00:14:37,108
THE REAL PROBLEM--
THE HOME ENVIRONMENT.

270
00:14:37,110 --> 00:14:39,110
WELL, OF COURSE
I'M AVOIDING IT.

271
00:14:39,112 --> 00:14:41,145
IT'S FULL
OF CRAZY PEOPLE.

272
00:14:46,887 --> 00:14:49,854
OH, COME ON, SALLY.
I KNOW YOU'RE IN
A LOT OF PAIN,

273
00:14:49,856 --> 00:14:52,790
BUT HOLDING IT IN ISN'T
GOING TO DO YOU ANY GOOD.

274
00:14:52,792 --> 00:14:56,394
YOU'VE GOT TO LET IT OUT.
COME ON, OPEN UP.

275
00:14:56,396 --> 00:14:58,529
( screaming )

276
00:15:02,769 --> 00:15:05,036
THAT REALLY HELPED.

277
00:15:05,038 --> 00:15:08,873
- THIS CAN'T BE THE FIRST
BAD DATE YOU'VE EVER HAD.
- WELL...

278
00:15:08,875 --> 00:15:11,376
A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO,
A FRIEND SET ME UP,

279
00:15:11,378 --> 00:15:14,845
AND MY DATE TURNED OUT
TO BE THIS GIANT,
SLIMY YOLK SAC.

280
00:15:14,847 --> 00:15:17,815
- YEAH, I'VE BEEN THERE.
- WHO HASN'T?

281
00:15:17,817 --> 00:15:21,185
I ONCE DATED THIS CHEMISTRY
PROFESSOR, DR. ABRAMS.

282
00:15:21,187 --> 00:15:23,854
OH, GOD, SHE'S STARTING
WITH THE A's.

283
00:15:23,856 --> 00:15:26,857
HE INVITED ME
TO PORTAGE LAKES
FOR A ROMANTIC WEEKEND,

284
00:15:26,859 --> 00:15:29,327
AND THEN JUST
NEVER SHOWED UP.

285
00:15:29,329 --> 00:15:31,562
- DID YOU KILL HIM?
- NO, NO.

286
00:15:31,564 --> 00:15:35,133
I DON'T BELIEVE IN VIOLENCE.
VIOLENCE DOESN'T
DO YOU ANY GOOD.

287
00:15:35,135 --> 00:15:37,135
HOWEVER, A GAS TANK
FULL OF SUGAR

288
00:15:37,137 --> 00:15:39,703
AND A FLAMING BAG
OF DOG POOP WILL.

289
00:15:41,074 --> 00:15:43,007
AND YOU TAKE THAT ORALLY?

290
00:15:46,313 --> 00:15:48,579
TOMMY, YOUR TEACHERS
SEEM TO THINK

291
00:15:48,581 --> 00:15:51,215
I'M NOT ACTING ENOUGH
LIKE A FATHER TO YOU.

292
00:15:51,217 --> 00:15:53,918
- YOU'RE NOT MY FATHER.
- WELL, THAT'S TRUE,

293
00:15:53,920 --> 00:15:56,321
BUT I WANT TO TRY
TO ACT LIKE ONE.

294
00:15:56,323 --> 00:15:59,023
FINE.  WHAT DO FATHERS
AND SONS DO TOGETHER?

295
00:15:59,025 --> 00:16:01,359
OH, THEY DO THIS.

296
00:16:05,298 --> 00:16:07,765
YES, I'VE SEEN THAT.

297
00:16:07,767 --> 00:16:09,767
AW.

298
00:16:13,406 --> 00:16:15,906
EXCELLENT.
WE'RE ROUGHHOUSING.

299
00:16:15,908 --> 00:16:17,842
SON.

300
00:16:22,182 --> 00:16:24,615
( both yelling )

301
00:16:40,733 --> 00:16:43,501
THIS HAS TAKEN
A WRONG TURN SOMEWHERE.

302
00:16:43,503 --> 00:16:45,536
I'VE GOT A BETTER IDEA.

303
00:16:45,538 --> 00:16:48,539
WE CAN DO WHAT
THE GUY DOWNSTAIRS
DOES WITH HIS SON.

304
00:16:48,541 --> 00:16:50,808
THEY WATCH TV FOR
18 HOURS STRAIGHT.

305
00:16:50,810 --> 00:16:53,811
YES, IT'S THE CLASSIC
MALE-BONDING RITUAL.

306
00:16:53,813 --> 00:16:55,946
<i> ( sports show theme music</i>
<i> playing on TV )</i>

307
00:16:55,948 --> 00:16:58,216
OH, LOOK,
MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL.

308
00:16:58,218 --> 00:17:00,251
All:
ALL RIGHT!

309
00:17:02,322 --> 00:17:04,555
WHAT IS IT?

310
00:17:04,557 --> 00:17:06,957
ISN'T THERE SOMEPLACE
WHERE PEOPLE CAN JUST HAVE

311
00:17:06,959 --> 00:17:09,360
MEANINGLESS SEX
WITH VARIOUS PARTNERS?

312
00:17:09,362 --> 00:17:11,695
YES, IT'S CALLED
THE '70s.

313
00:17:13,533 --> 00:17:16,434
WELL, HOW LATE
IS IT OPEN?

314
00:17:16,436 --> 00:17:19,404
HEY, CHECK OUT
THE BARTENDER.

315
00:17:19,406 --> 00:17:22,173
OOH, GOD'S GIFT
TO WOMEN.

316
00:17:22,175 --> 00:17:24,108
I HOPE HE KEPT
THE RECEIPT.

317
00:17:29,782 --> 00:17:32,550
OH, GET A LOAD OF

318
00:17:32,552 --> 00:17:35,619
- THE GUY IN THE VEST.
- I HOPE HE KEPT
THE RECEIPT.

319
00:17:39,325 --> 00:17:42,226
SEE, SALLY, YOU ARE
NOT THE PROBLEM.

320
00:17:42,228 --> 00:17:45,463
GUYS ARE JERKS.
YOU'RE JUST NEVER GONNA
FIND THE PERFECT MAN.

321
00:17:45,465 --> 00:17:48,032
YEAH, THE PERFECT MAN
WOULD HAVE

322
00:17:48,034 --> 00:17:50,801
BILL GATES' MONEY,
JIMMY SMITS' ASS,

323
00:17:50,803 --> 00:17:54,638
LIAM NEESON'S SHOULDERS,
MICHAEL JORDAN'S THIGHS--

324
00:17:54,640 --> 00:17:58,008
- AND WE NEED A BRAIN.
- ( scoffs )  NO, WE DON'T.

325
00:17:58,010 --> 00:18:01,612
YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT,
THEN HE'D THINK
LIKE A MAN.

326
00:18:01,614 --> 00:18:04,682
SEE, SALLY,
THERE'S JUST NO DEALING
WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX.

327
00:18:05,918 --> 00:18:08,553
YES, THE OPPOSITE SEX.

328
00:18:08,555 --> 00:18:10,555
I DIDN'T DO
ANYTHING WRONG.

329
00:18:10,557 --> 00:18:12,557
IT'S MEN.

330
00:18:12,559 --> 00:18:15,226
THEY'RE A COMPLETELY
OPPOSITE SEX.

331
00:18:15,228 --> 00:18:18,096
THEY HUNT.  WE GATHER.
THEY SWEAT.  WE GLOW.

332
00:18:18,098 --> 00:18:20,030
THEY SHAKE.
WE WIPE.

333
00:18:21,234 --> 00:18:23,601
YOU, YOUR SEXUAL ORGANS

334
00:18:23,603 --> 00:18:26,003
ARE IN TOTAL DIAMETRIC
OPPOSITION TO MINE.

335
00:18:26,005 --> 00:18:29,107
WELL, HEY, SO CAN I GIVE YOU
A CALL SOMETIME OR...?

336
00:18:29,109 --> 00:18:32,310
OH, YEAH, I'LL BE
WAITING BY THE PHONE.

337
00:18:32,312 --> 00:18:34,979
( laughing )

338
00:18:34,981 --> 00:18:37,482
- HAVE WE POISONED HER?
- NO...

339
00:18:37,484 --> 00:18:39,883
NOW SHE'S
A BUXOM, LEGGY,

340
00:18:39,885 --> 00:18:42,620
POUTY-LIPPED BITCH
WITH ATTITUDE.

341
00:18:42,622 --> 00:18:45,423
I THINK SHE'LL DO
JUST FINE.

342
00:18:45,425 --> 00:18:47,458
<i> ( doorbell rings )</i>

343
00:18:49,462 --> 00:18:51,496
- HELLO, BRAD.
- S-SALLY.

344
00:18:51,498 --> 00:18:53,464
( chuckles nervously )

345
00:18:55,602 --> 00:18:57,135
I CAME HERE TO TELL YOU

346
00:18:57,137 --> 00:19:00,338
THAT I UNDERSTAND
YOUR LIMITATIONS.

347
00:19:00,340 --> 00:19:03,274
( chuckles )
I EXPECTED TOO MUCH.

348
00:19:03,276 --> 00:19:06,444
I'M SO SORRY.
ALL THE BEST.

349
00:19:08,114 --> 00:19:10,148
OOPS.  GOT YOUR KNOB.

350
00:19:14,287 --> 00:19:16,287
HASN'T TONIGHT
BEEN GREAT?

351
00:19:16,289 --> 00:19:19,223
JUST US BOYS
DRINKING BEER,
YELLING LIKE IDIOTS,

352
00:19:19,225 --> 00:19:21,725
EMITTING VARIOUS GASSES.

353
00:19:21,727 --> 00:19:23,861
OH!  OH, LOOK.

354
00:19:23,863 --> 00:19:25,929
THEY'RE DOING
THAT THING AGAIN.

355
00:19:25,931 --> 00:19:28,699
- OHH!
- HERE IT COMES.
LOOK OUT.

356
00:19:28,701 --> 00:19:30,701
All:
OH, YEAH!

357
00:19:33,773 --> 00:19:35,573
- SALLY'S BACK.
- PARTY'S OVER.

358
00:19:35,575 --> 00:19:38,643
- Harry: THANK GOD.
- SALLY, YOU'RE SMILING.

359
00:19:38,645 --> 00:19:41,212
- YOU'RE FIXED.
- NO, DICK,

360
00:19:41,214 --> 00:19:44,248
I'M NOT FIXED BECAUSE
I WAS NEVER BROKEN.

361
00:19:44,250 --> 00:19:47,418
I'M SUPPOSED
TO BE THIS WAY.
I'M A WOMAN.

362
00:19:47,420 --> 00:19:51,021
- YES, AND...?
- TELL ME, DICK, WHAT KIND
OF SHAMPOO DO YOU USE?

363
00:19:51,023 --> 00:19:53,057
- I DON'T KNOW.
- EXACTLY.

364
00:19:53,059 --> 00:19:55,059
AND DO YOU FEEL
THE URGE TO HAVE

365
00:19:55,061 --> 00:19:57,061
AN EIGHT-POUND
SCREAMING LARVA

366
00:19:57,063 --> 00:19:59,163
RIP ITS WAY OUT
OF YOUR LOWER ABDOMEN?

367
00:20:02,001 --> 00:20:04,602
NO, I THINK I CAN
DO WITHOUT THAT.

368
00:20:04,604 --> 00:20:06,737
YOU SEE, HERE,
YOU AND I

369
00:20:06,739 --> 00:20:08,739
ARE COMPLETELY
DIFFERENT LIFE-FORMS,

370
00:20:08,741 --> 00:20:11,008
AND IT'S JUST
SOME SICK COSMIC JOKE

371
00:20:11,010 --> 00:20:13,244
THAT WE HAVE
TO SHARE A PLANET.

372
00:20:13,246 --> 00:20:15,246
I'VE BEEN THINKING
ABOUT YOUR ASSIGNMENT.

373
00:20:15,248 --> 00:20:17,881
MAYBE IT WASN'T FAIR OF ME,
MAKING YOU THE WOMAN.

374
00:20:17,883 --> 00:20:19,883
I'M ALL RIGHT.

375
00:20:19,885 --> 00:20:22,520
I CAN HANDLE
THE MOOD SWINGS,
THE EMOTIONAL ISSUES,

376
00:20:22,522 --> 00:20:25,956
THE CATCALLS,
THE PUNITIVE UNDERWEAR,

377
00:20:25,958 --> 00:20:28,792
BECAUSE, FRANKLY, WHEN I
THINK OF THE ALTERNATIVE...

378
00:20:30,863 --> 00:20:32,796
I JUST HAVE TO LAUGH.

379
00:20:44,009 --> 00:20:46,009
MOTHER EARTH.

380
00:20:46,011 --> 00:20:49,046
FATHER TIME.

381
00:20:49,048 --> 00:20:51,982
- LADY LUCK.
- "GENTLEMAN'S QUARTERLY."

382
00:20:54,019 --> 00:20:56,854
DAUGHTERS OF
THE AMERICAN REVOLUTION.

383
00:20:56,856 --> 00:20:58,822
"SON OF KONG."

384
00:20:59,992 --> 00:21:02,993
- FAIRY GODMOTHER.
- THE GODFATHER OF SOUL.

385
00:21:06,132 --> 00:21:08,165
MISSISSIPPI.

386
00:21:12,438 --> 00:21:14,405
MISTER SIPPI.

387
00:21:20,747 --> 00:21:24,582
<i> ( '50s rock music playing )</i>