1
00:00:02,536 --> 00:00:05,270
( song on radio )
<i> ♪ Get up, get on up ♪</i>

2
00:00:05,272 --> 00:00:07,506
<i> ♪ Stay on the scene</i>
<i> Get on up ♪</i>

3
00:00:07,508 --> 00:00:09,941
<i> ♪ Like a sex machine</i>
<i> Get on up ♪</i>

4
00:00:09,943 --> 00:00:12,978
<i> ♪ Get up, get on up</i>
<i> Stay on the scene ♪</i>

5
00:00:12,980 --> 00:00:15,080
<i> ♪ Get on up</i>
<i> like a sex machine ♪</i>

6
00:00:15,082 --> 00:00:17,082
<i> ( radio clicks off )</i>

7
00:00:17,084 --> 00:00:19,851
DO YOU NOTICE
HOW THIS JAMES BROWN IS
ALWAYS GETTING SOMEWHERE?

8
00:00:19,853 --> 00:00:23,055
HE'S GETTING UP,
GETTING DOWN, GETTING BACK.

9
00:00:23,057 --> 00:00:26,591
WE SHOULD CONTACT HIM--
I MEAN, AS PART OF OUR MISSION
TO STUDY LIFE ON THIS PLANET.

10
00:00:26,593 --> 00:00:29,228
YES, BUT ACCORDING TO THIS,
HE'S MORE OF A MACHINE,

11
00:00:29,230 --> 00:00:31,463
A SEX MACHINE.

12
00:00:31,465 --> 00:00:35,000
OH, LOOK!
IT'S THE CAMPUS POLICE.

13
00:00:35,002 --> 00:00:38,237
- IS THERE
SOME KIND OF PROBLEM?
- OOH, ACTUALLY, YES.

14
00:00:38,239 --> 00:00:40,472
THERE'S A STAR MISSING
RIGHT THERE.

15
00:00:41,675 --> 00:00:44,876
AND WE THINK
WE KNOW WHO DID IT.

16
00:00:44,878 --> 00:00:47,246
- THIS IS YOUR FAMILY?
- WHY, YES.

17
00:00:47,248 --> 00:00:49,648
THAT'S EXACTLY
WHAT WE WERE GOING FOR.

18
00:00:49,650 --> 00:00:52,918
SALLY'S THE WOMAN.
I'M THE TALL, DASHING MAN.
TOMMY IS THE ADOLESCENT.

19
00:00:52,920 --> 00:00:55,587
AND HARRY IS...
THE FUNNY-LOOKING ONE.

20
00:00:55,589 --> 00:00:57,556
I'M GONNA HAVE TO SEE
YOUR DRIVER'S LICENSE, PLEASE.

21
00:00:57,558 --> 00:01:00,492
WHY?  WE'RE NOT DRIVING.
WE'RE PARKED.

22
00:01:00,494 --> 00:01:02,461
YEAH, BUT YOU'RE PARKED
ON UNIVERSITY PROPERTY.

23
00:01:02,463 --> 00:01:05,064
I<i> AM</i> UNIVERSITY PROPERTY.

24
00:01:05,066 --> 00:01:07,499
HERE'S MY PHOTO I.D.

25
00:01:07,501 --> 00:01:09,668
IT'S JUST MY HEAD,
BUT I ASSURE YOU

26
00:01:09,670 --> 00:01:12,071
THE REST OF ME IS
ANATOMICALLY CORRECT.

27
00:01:12,073 --> 00:01:14,306
WELL, DR. SOLOMON,
IT'S 2:00 A.M.

28
00:01:14,308 --> 00:01:16,975
- SO, LET'S PACK THIS UP
AND MOVE IT OUT.
- RIGHT AWAY.

29
00:01:16,977 --> 00:01:19,545
DICK, WHAT'S
A DRIVER'S LICENSE?

30
00:01:19,547 --> 00:01:21,947
IT MUST BE SOME KIND
OF HUMAN VALIDATION.

31
00:01:21,949 --> 00:01:25,117
- WE SHOULD GET ONE IF
WE'RE GOING TO BLEND IN.
- I'M ON IT.

32
00:01:25,119 --> 00:01:27,519
<i> ( man singing opera</i>
<i> on radio )</i>

33
00:01:27,521 --> 00:01:29,821
LISTEN.
IT'S THAT GUY AGAIN.

34
00:01:29,823 --> 00:01:32,958
-<i> ( opera continues )</i>
- GOD, IT'S AMAZING.

35
00:01:32,960 --> 00:01:34,526
HOW DOES HE
SING LIKE THAT?

36
00:01:34,528 --> 00:01:39,431
DICK, REMEMBER
HOW I SAID I WANTED
TO LEARN TO SING?

37
00:01:39,433 --> 00:01:42,468
I'VE CHANGED MY MIND.

38
00:01:46,273 --> 00:01:48,239
<i> ( '50s rock music playing )</i>

39
00:02:18,204 --> 00:02:20,138
( fly buzzing )

40
00:02:29,016 --> 00:02:31,583
( buzzing stops )

41
00:02:31,585 --> 00:02:34,218
WHERE ARE YOU?

42
00:02:34,220 --> 00:02:37,455
( sighs )
VERY WELL, I CAN WAIT.

43
00:02:37,457 --> 00:02:40,491
YOU'RE NOT WATCHING ME.
I'M NOT WATCHING YOU.

44
00:02:40,493 --> 00:02:43,094
YOU'RE SOMEWHERE
IN THE ROOM, I CAN FEEL IT.

45
00:02:43,096 --> 00:02:45,664
- GOOD MORNING,
DR. SOLOMON.
- YAH!

46
00:02:45,666 --> 00:02:48,833
( fly buzzes )

47
00:02:48,835 --> 00:02:51,269
- WHAT IS IT, NINA?
- HERE'S THE MAIL.

48
00:02:51,271 --> 00:02:54,439
OH, IT'S A LETTER
FOR DR. ALBRIGHT.

49
00:02:54,441 --> 00:02:56,608
SHE'LL HOLD THIS
IN HER DELICATE HAND,

50
00:02:56,610 --> 00:02:59,110
INSERT A FINGER AND RIP
THROUGH THE MUCILAGE.

51
00:02:59,112 --> 00:03:01,112
( sighs )
SHE'S JUST WONDERFUL.

52
00:03:01,114 --> 00:03:03,214
I KNEW YOU HAD
A THING FOR HER.

53
00:03:03,216 --> 00:03:05,283
YES, BUT I UNDERSTAND

54
00:03:05,285 --> 00:03:09,054
I'M NOT ALLOWED
TO SHOW IT TO HER
WITHOUT HER PERMISSION.

55
00:03:09,056 --> 00:03:11,489
( chuckles )
GOOD MORNING,
DR. ALBRIGHT.

56
00:03:11,491 --> 00:03:13,792
- GOOD MORNING,
DR. ALBRIGHT.
- GOOD MORNING.

57
00:03:13,794 --> 00:03:16,628
- DR. SOLOMON, I WAS
JUST THINKING OF YOU.
- YOU WERE?

58
00:03:16,630 --> 00:03:19,363
YES.  I HAVE A MEETING
WITH THE RULES COMMITTEE
ON FRIDAY NIGHT,

59
00:03:19,365 --> 00:03:21,365
AND I JUST CAN'T MAKE IT.

60
00:03:21,367 --> 00:03:23,802
IT'S TOO LATE
TO TRY AND GET OUT OF IT NOW,

61
00:03:23,804 --> 00:03:26,838
UNLESS YOU CAN TALK
SOME IDIOT INTO REPLAC--

62
00:03:26,840 --> 00:03:28,840
OH.

63
00:03:28,842 --> 00:03:31,342
YOU LOOK WONDERFUL.

64
00:03:31,344 --> 00:03:34,345
- IS THAT A NEW JACKET?
- I'M ENTIRELY NEW.

65
00:03:34,347 --> 00:03:36,748
EVERYONE ON THE RULES
COMMITTEE WANTS TO MEET YOU.

66
00:03:36,750 --> 00:03:40,351
- REALLY?
- WE ALL THINK OF YOU
AS THE RESIDENT GENIUS.

67
00:03:40,353 --> 00:03:42,921
PLEASE, I NEED YOU
TO SUBSTITUTE FOR ME.

68
00:03:42,923 --> 00:03:44,923
YOU NEED ME?
I NEVER DREAMED

69
00:03:44,925 --> 00:03:47,225
THAT I WOULD BE
THE MAN YOU NEEDED.

70
00:03:47,227 --> 00:03:49,227
I NEED YOU DESPERATELY.

71
00:03:49,229 --> 00:03:51,395
( clears throat )
LET ME KNOW

72
00:03:51,397 --> 00:03:53,397
IF IT'S GOING
TO GET ANY DEEPER.

73
00:03:53,399 --> 00:03:56,001
I'M WEARING
OPEN-TOED SHOES.

74
00:03:56,003 --> 00:03:59,838
- I'M NOT PREPARED.
- IT'S A DULL, MINDLESS GROUP.

75
00:03:59,840 --> 00:04:01,940
IT'S "THE NIGHT
OF THE TEACHING DEAD."

76
00:04:01,942 --> 00:04:04,542
MAYBE I CAN SHAKE THINGS UP
WITH SOME FRESH IDEAS.

77
00:04:04,544 --> 00:04:08,113
NO ONE THERE WOULD
RECOGNIZE A FRESH IDEA
IF IT BIT THEM ON THE ASS.

78
00:04:08,115 --> 00:04:10,815
JUST PASS THESE OUT
FOR ME, PLEASE.

79
00:04:10,817 --> 00:04:12,984
ALL RIGHT,
I'LL DO IT.

80
00:04:12,986 --> 00:04:14,986
THANKS.
YOU'VE SAVED ME.

81
00:04:14,988 --> 00:04:17,689
WELL, I AM A MANLY MAN.

82
00:04:20,460 --> 00:04:22,694
- WELL DONE.
- ANOTHER FIVE MINUTES,

83
00:04:22,696 --> 00:04:25,363
AND HE WOULD HAVE
GIVEN ME A KIDNEY.

84
00:04:31,137 --> 00:04:33,071
NEXT!

85
00:04:34,675 --> 00:04:37,408
I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW MUCH
WE HAVE TO GO THROUGH
TO GET A LICENSE.

86
00:04:37,410 --> 00:04:39,510
YEAH.  THEN WHY
ARE WE HERE?

87
00:04:39,512 --> 00:04:41,913
BECAUSE I WANT ONE.
IF I HAVE TO BE THE WOMAN,

88
00:04:41,915 --> 00:04:45,216
- I'M NOT ABOUT TO BE
STUCK AT HOME.
- MM-HMM.

89
00:04:45,218 --> 00:04:47,886
"STAY BEHIND ORANGE LINE."

90
00:04:47,888 --> 00:04:50,254
THAT'S WHY NOBODY
EVER GETS TO THE WINDOW.

91
00:04:50,256 --> 00:04:53,792
HEY, LET'S PULL UP
THE SLACK HERE.

92
00:04:53,794 --> 00:04:55,794
OH!  THERE MUST BE

93
00:04:55,796 --> 00:04:57,929
SOME SORT
OF FLESH-MELTING
FORCE FIELD

94
00:04:57,931 --> 00:04:59,965
AT THE ORANGE LINE.

95
00:04:59,967 --> 00:05:03,267
- NEXT!
- NO-OOO!

96
00:05:04,471 --> 00:05:06,605
( laughs )

97
00:05:06,607 --> 00:05:08,773
I'M SORRY.

98
00:05:08,775 --> 00:05:12,176
YOU KNOW, CARS MUST
HAVE SOME HUGE POWER
WE HAVEN'T DISCOVERED YET.

99
00:05:12,178 --> 00:05:14,579
LOOK AT THIS--
THE LINES, THE WAITING,
THE TESTING.

100
00:05:14,581 --> 00:05:18,249
CAN YOU IMAGINE WHAT YOU
MUST HAVE TO GO THROUGH
TO GET A GUN?

101
00:05:21,888 --> 00:05:24,055
NEXT!

102
00:05:24,057 --> 00:05:27,058
WHAT IS IT THEY DON'T GET?
THAT WOMAN SAYS "NEXT."

103
00:05:27,060 --> 00:05:29,060
THE FIRST PERSON
GOES TO THE WINDOW.

104
00:05:29,062 --> 00:05:31,730
THE SECOND PERSON MOVES
TO THE ORANGE LINE,
BECOMING FIRST.

105
00:05:31,732 --> 00:05:35,533
THE THIRD PERSON BECOMES
SECOND, AND THE REST OF US
PULL UP THE SLACK!

106
00:05:35,535 --> 00:05:38,503
( inhales )
THERE ARE JUST TOO MANY
GAPS IN THIS LINE.

107
00:05:38,505 --> 00:05:40,905
WE SHOULD EACH
ONLY BE A SINGLE
PERSON-THICKNESS APART.

108
00:05:40,907 --> 00:05:43,407
GOOD POINT.
( sniffles )

109
00:05:43,409 --> 00:05:45,443
I THINK EVERYONE
SHOULD HEAR IT.

110
00:05:45,445 --> 00:05:47,445
YOU THINK SO?

111
00:05:47,447 --> 00:05:49,848
OKAY, PEOPLE, LISTEN UP
AND NOBODY GETS HURT!

112
00:05:49,850 --> 00:05:51,783
( all screaming )

113
00:05:58,191 --> 00:06:02,027
TOMMY, HAVE YOU BEEN
SITTING IN THAT SAME
CHAIR ALL DAY?

114
00:06:02,029 --> 00:06:04,029
HMM, LET ME THINK
ABOUT THIS ONE.

115
00:06:04,031 --> 00:06:06,031
YEAH.

116
00:06:06,033 --> 00:06:09,333
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE
EXPERIENCING HUMAN
ADOLESCENT BEHAVIOR.

117
00:06:09,335 --> 00:06:13,237
WELL, AS AN ADOLESCENT,
EVERYTHING ANNOYS ME,

118
00:06:13,239 --> 00:06:15,573
ESPECIALLY THE SOUND
OF YOUR VOICE RIGHT NOW.

119
00:06:15,575 --> 00:06:17,375
- Harry:<i> NOTHING.</i>
- Sally:<i> YES, YOU DID.</i>

120
00:06:17,377 --> 00:06:19,644
- I DID NOT.
- DON'T TRY TO
BLAME IT ON ME.

121
00:06:19,646 --> 00:06:21,813
- DID YOU GET YOUR LICENSE?
- WE WERE THROWN OUT.

122
00:06:21,815 --> 00:06:25,784
- ON THE BRIGHT SIDE,
WE DID OUTRUN THE POLICE.
- WHAT WENT WRONG?

123
00:06:25,786 --> 00:06:29,287
EVERYTHING.  WHAT DO PEOPLE
HAVE TO DO ON THIS PLANET
TO GET WHAT THEY WANT?

124
00:06:29,289 --> 00:06:32,590
TODAY DR. ALBRIGHT
WANTED SOMETHING FROM ME.
ALL SHE DID WAS ASK.

125
00:06:32,592 --> 00:06:35,259
- WHAT DID SHE SAY?
- SHE SAID SHE NEEDED
MY HELP

126
00:06:35,261 --> 00:06:37,829
AND I LOOKED WONDERFUL
AND I'M A GENIUS.

127
00:06:37,831 --> 00:06:40,932
- SHE SAID THAT?
- ABOUT YOU?

128
00:06:40,934 --> 00:06:42,934
- YES.
- AND YOU BOUGHT IT?

129
00:06:42,936 --> 00:06:45,837
- WELL, I AM
THE HIGH COMMANDER.
- WAIT A MINUTE.

130
00:06:45,839 --> 00:06:48,006
SOMETHING ABOUT THIS
DOESN'T WASH.

131
00:06:48,008 --> 00:06:50,041
SHE'S DOING SOMETHING.
( gasps )

132
00:06:50,043 --> 00:06:52,577
NOW I REMEMBER,
I READ ABOUT THIS.

133
00:06:52,579 --> 00:06:55,013
SHE'S DISTORTING
THE TRUTH.

134
00:06:56,583 --> 00:06:58,616
DR. ALBRIGHT WOULD
NEVER LIE TO ME.

135
00:06:58,618 --> 00:07:02,420
WAKE UP AND SNORT
THE COFFEE.

136
00:07:02,422 --> 00:07:05,256
JUST BECAUSE YOU
DON'T LIE DOESN'T MEAN
PEOPLE HERE DON'T.

137
00:07:05,258 --> 00:07:07,525
WE'RE COLLEAGUES.
I TRUST HER.

138
00:07:07,527 --> 00:07:09,527
I COMMAND YOU
TO BE MORE LIKE HER.

139
00:07:09,529 --> 00:07:11,596
- LIKE WHAT?
- LIKE A WOMAN.

140
00:07:11,598 --> 00:07:15,166
- FINE.  I CAN WOMAN.
- GOOD.

141
00:07:15,168 --> 00:07:17,468
- COMMANDER, PERMISSION
TO SPEAK FREELY?
-<i> GRANTED.</i>

142
00:07:17,470 --> 00:07:20,138
AS THE OLDEST
MEMBER OF THIS CREW,
I FEEL IT'S MY DUTY

143
00:07:20,140 --> 00:07:22,707
TO INFORM YOU ALL THAT
THIS PLANET BOTH WIPES

144
00:07:22,709 --> 00:07:26,144
AND SUCKS,
IN THAT ORDER.

145
00:07:26,146 --> 00:07:28,546
WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?

146
00:07:28,548 --> 00:07:31,649
SOMETHING'S WRONG.
MY TRANSFER'S NOT HOLDING.

147
00:07:31,651 --> 00:07:34,219
I'M GROWING HAIR,
AND MY ARMPITS SMELL,

148
00:07:34,221 --> 00:07:36,921
AND THERE'S A CONSTANT
CIRCUS IN MY PANTS.

149
00:07:36,923 --> 00:07:38,923
AW,

150
00:07:38,925 --> 00:07:41,359
OUR OLD MAN
IS BECOMING A BOY.

151
00:07:41,361 --> 00:07:43,527
NO, I'M SERIOUS.
THE SEAL'S BROKEN,

152
00:07:43,529 --> 00:07:45,964
AND I'M LOSING OIL.
LOOK AT THIS.

153
00:07:45,966 --> 00:07:47,966
- Harry:
OOH!  WHAT IS IT?
- ( Sally gasps )

154
00:07:47,968 --> 00:07:50,401
IT'S A NIPPLE.

155
00:07:50,403 --> 00:07:52,837
- WHAT AM I GOING
TO DO ABOUT IT?
- I DON'T KNOW,

156
00:07:52,839 --> 00:07:55,706
BUT UNTIL WE FIGURE IT OUT,
YOU SHOULD SLEEP
IN THE SHOWER.

157
00:08:00,614 --> 00:08:02,614
( fly buzzing )

158
00:08:02,616 --> 00:08:04,616
Man:
<i> GENTLEMEN, WE HAVE</i>
<i> A GUEST MEMBER</i>

159
00:08:04,618 --> 00:08:06,885
<i> OF THE RULES COMMITTEE</i>
<i> WITH US TONIGHT.</i>

160
00:08:06,887 --> 00:08:09,688
DR. SOLOMON, WOULD YOU
CARE TO SHARE WITH US

161
00:08:09,690 --> 00:08:12,356
- SOME OF
DR. ALBRIGHT'S FEELINGS?
- OH, YES, OF COURSE.

162
00:08:12,358 --> 00:08:15,493
WELL, FIRST, ON BEHALF
OF DR. ALBRIGHT,

163
00:08:15,495 --> 00:08:18,797
I WOULD LIKE TO SAY
WELCOME TO THIS
BIG WASTE OF TIME.

164
00:08:18,799 --> 00:08:21,900
I'D SAY I'VE ALWAYS
WANTED TO PUT A FACE

165
00:08:21,902 --> 00:08:24,368
WITH THOSE MEN WHOM
SHE AFFECTIONATELY CALLS

166
00:08:24,370 --> 00:08:26,370
"THE NIGHT OF
THE TEACHING DEAD."

167
00:08:26,372 --> 00:08:28,873
AND MAY I SAY YOU
DO NOT DISAPPOINT.

168
00:08:28,875 --> 00:08:32,443
I CAN TELL AT A GLANCE
THAT YOU INDEED ARE
A MINDLESS AND DULL GROUP.

169
00:08:32,445 --> 00:08:35,046
SO, I WOULD LIKE TO START
WITH A FRESH IDEA

170
00:08:35,048 --> 00:08:37,949
THAT YOU WON'T RECOGNIZE
WHEN IT BITES YOU
ON THE ASS.

171
00:08:37,951 --> 00:08:41,385
EXCUSE ME,
DOES DR. ALBRIGHT KNOW
YOU'RE SPEAKING ON HER BEHALF?

172
00:08:41,387 --> 00:08:43,454
DON'T MOVE!
STAY WHERE YOU ARE!

173
00:08:45,826 --> 00:08:48,026
- DR. SOLOMON--
- FREEZE!  HE'S STILL THERE!

174
00:08:51,397 --> 00:08:54,065
OH!  YOU HAVE
A MOLE.

175
00:08:55,568 --> 00:08:57,568
A BIG, UGLY MOLE.

176
00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:02,273
WELL, YOU'RE IN EARLY.

177
00:09:02,275 --> 00:09:04,943
DR. BYRON TOLD ME ABOUT
YOUR LITTLE SPEECH.

178
00:09:04,945 --> 00:09:06,310
SORRY I MISSED IT.

179
00:09:06,312 --> 00:09:08,880
REST ASSURED,
I GAVE YOU FULL CREDIT.

180
00:09:11,284 --> 00:09:14,753
WHAT THE HELL ARE
YOU TRYING TO DO?
RUIN ME?

181
00:09:14,755 --> 00:09:17,589
( stammers,
clicks tongue )

182
00:09:17,591 --> 00:09:21,426
IT WILL TAKE ME WEEKS
TO REPAIR THE DAMAGE
LEFT IN YOUR WAKE.

183
00:09:21,428 --> 00:09:24,162
- ( stammers )
-<i> WEEKS.</i>

184
00:09:24,164 --> 00:09:27,331
ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS
SHOW UP AND FEIGN INTEREST.

185
00:09:27,333 --> 00:09:29,434
FEIGN?  I WILL NOT BE
A PARTY TO FEIGNING.

186
00:09:29,436 --> 00:09:31,002
I ALWAYS TELL
THE COMPLETE TRUTH.

187
00:09:31,004 --> 00:09:34,639
THE TRUTH?
THEN I WILL BE
BRUTALLY FRANK.

188
00:09:34,641 --> 00:09:36,641
GOOD, I'LL BE
GENUINE DICK.

189
00:09:40,747 --> 00:09:42,781
I THOUGHT,<i> FOOLISHLY,</i>

190
00:09:42,783 --> 00:09:46,384
THIS WOULD BE A GOOD
OPPORTUNITY FOR MY COLLEAGUES
TO GET TO KNOW YOU.

191
00:09:46,386 --> 00:09:49,054
NO ONE WANTED TO MEET YOU.
I MADE THAT UP.

192
00:09:49,056 --> 00:09:51,322
SO YOU LIED?

193
00:09:51,324 --> 00:09:55,393
I WAS BENDING
THE TRUTH TO FLATTER YOU.
THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.

194
00:09:55,395 --> 00:09:58,763
I SEE.  SO WHEN WE MET,
YOU SAID YOU WERE
PLEASED TO MEET ME.

195
00:09:58,765 --> 00:10:01,933
- WAS THAT A LIE
OR TRUTH-BENDING?
- FIGURE OF SPEECH.

196
00:10:01,935 --> 00:10:05,403
- WHEN YOU SAID YOU WERE
IMPRESSED WITH MY RÉSUMÉ?
- LIGHT CONVERSATION.

197
00:10:05,405 --> 00:10:07,706
WHEN I MOVED IN,
YOU SAID YOU DIDN'T MIND
SHARING YOUR OFFICE?

198
00:10:07,708 --> 00:10:09,841
DIPLOMACY.
ANYTHING ELSE?

199
00:10:09,843 --> 00:10:13,011
- YES, IS THAT REALLY
THE COLOR OF YOUR HAIR?
- ABSOLUTELY!

200
00:10:16,483 --> 00:10:19,017
YOU'RE UPSET,
AREN'T YOU?

201
00:10:19,019 --> 00:10:21,285
- TELL THE TRUTH.
- YES.

202
00:10:21,287 --> 00:10:23,421
I THOUGHT I COULD
TRUST YOU.  I CAN'T.

203
00:10:23,423 --> 00:10:26,257
TRUST ME?
YOU'RE THE ONE WHO
LIED AND TRICKED ME.

204
00:10:26,259 --> 00:10:29,560
NO.  IT'S NOT HOW YOU
LIE TO TRICK SOMEONE.

205
00:10:29,562 --> 00:10:32,497
FIRST, YOU START BY--
YOU HAVE SOMETHING
ON YOUR TIE.

206
00:10:35,702 --> 00:10:38,302
AH-HA, VERY CLEVER.

207
00:10:38,304 --> 00:10:41,706
YES, I SEE HOW THAT WORKS.
YOU HAVE SOMETHING
ON YOUR SHOULDER.

208
00:10:48,715 --> 00:10:52,450
THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS.
THIS IS HOW IT WORKS.

209
00:10:52,452 --> 00:10:54,853
YOUR SHIRTTAIL'S ON FIRE.
THAT'S HOW.

210
00:10:54,855 --> 00:10:56,855
YOUR BLOUSE
IS ON FIRE.

211
00:10:56,857 --> 00:10:59,257
STOP-- GET
YOUR HANDS OFF--

212
00:10:59,259 --> 00:11:01,425
- DON'T MOVE!
- ( fly buzzing )

213
00:11:11,071 --> 00:11:13,404
THAT WAS MY FLY.

214
00:11:13,406 --> 00:11:15,373
I KNOW.

215
00:11:21,181 --> 00:11:23,548
ON THE SUBJECT
OF UNIVERSAL TRUTH,

216
00:11:23,550 --> 00:11:25,650
ALBERT EINSTEIN
ONCE SAID--

217
00:11:25,652 --> 00:11:27,652
( speaking German )

218
00:11:31,725 --> 00:11:33,658
ANY THOUGHTS ON THAT?

219
00:11:34,828 --> 00:11:37,595
ANYONE?  YES, CARYN.

220
00:11:37,597 --> 00:11:40,565
DR. SOLOMON, I THINK
YOU WERE SPEAKING GERMAN.

221
00:11:40,567 --> 00:11:42,901
YES, GERMAN.
EINSTEIN SPOKE GERMAN.

222
00:11:45,305 --> 00:11:48,472
( sighs )
OKAY, I'LL SIMPLIFY.

223
00:11:49,976 --> 00:11:52,911
"SCIENTIFIC PROOF IS NOTHING
MORE THAN CONDITIONAL TRUTH."

224
00:11:52,913 --> 00:11:56,014
WE ALL UNDERSTAND
WHAT TRUTH IS, DON'T WE?

225
00:11:56,016 --> 00:11:59,851
NOW, I HAVE THREE
OF EINSTEIN'S EQUATIONS
ON THE BOARD.

226
00:11:59,853 --> 00:12:02,087
TWO OF THEM ARE FALSE,
AND ONE IS TRUE.

227
00:12:02,089 --> 00:12:05,523
WHO CAN SPOT
THE TRUE ONE?
ANYONE?

228
00:12:05,525 --> 00:12:08,259
HOW MANY OF YOU THINK
IT'S NUMBER ONE?

229
00:12:08,261 --> 00:12:11,562
I'LL GIVE YOU A HINT:
IT'S NOT NUMBER ONE.

230
00:12:11,564 --> 00:12:13,564
HERE'S ANOTHER HINT:
IT'S NOT NUMBER TWO.

231
00:12:13,566 --> 00:12:15,566
HOW MANY OF YOU THINK
IT'S NUMBER THREE?

232
00:12:15,568 --> 00:12:18,336
WELL, YOU'RE WRONG.
I LIED.  I MADE THEM ALL UP!

233
00:12:19,606 --> 00:12:22,207
YOU SEE, LYING
ACCOMPLISHES NOTHING.

234
00:12:22,209 --> 00:12:24,242
YOU CAN'T TRUST
SOMEONE WHO LIES.

235
00:12:24,244 --> 00:12:27,245
YOU WORK WITH THEM.
YOU THINK YOU KNOW THEM.
THEY ASK YOU TO SUBSTITUTE.

236
00:12:27,247 --> 00:12:29,547
YOU MAKE A FOOL
OF YOURSELF.
THEY GET MAD.

237
00:12:29,549 --> 00:12:33,051
AND YOUR SISTER CAN'T EVEN
GET A DRIVER'S LICENSE.

238
00:12:33,053 --> 00:12:36,520
DR. SOLOMON, IS THIS
GOING TO BE ON THE FINAL?

239
00:12:36,522 --> 00:12:38,790
THE POINT I'M MAKING IS,

240
00:12:38,792 --> 00:12:41,025
YOU HAVE TO TELL
THE ABSOLUTE TRUTH,

241
00:12:41,027 --> 00:12:43,261
OR ELSE YOU JUST END UP
CONFUSING PEOPLE.

242
00:12:43,263 --> 00:12:46,798
BUT, DR. SOLOMON,
SOMETIMES YOU JUST
CAN'T TELL THE TRUTH.

243
00:12:46,800 --> 00:12:49,433
BUT WHY NOT?
ANYONE?

244
00:12:49,435 --> 00:12:51,602
LEON, I'M GOING TO
ASK YOU A QUESTION,

245
00:12:51,604 --> 00:12:54,005
AND I WANT YOU TO TELL ME
THE COMPLETE TRUTH.

246
00:12:54,007 --> 00:12:56,274
THIS WON'T AFFECT
MY GRADE?

247
00:12:57,944 --> 00:13:00,111
ABSOLUTELY NOT.
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF ME?

248
00:13:00,113 --> 00:13:04,082
UH... YOU MAKE ME
REALLY NERVOUS.

249
00:13:04,084 --> 00:13:06,484
I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S
GOING ON HALF THE TIME,

250
00:13:06,486 --> 00:13:08,853
AND WHEN YOU WALK
AROUND THE ROOM,
I'M ALWAYS AFRAID

251
00:13:08,855 --> 00:13:11,823
YOU'RE GOING TO HIT ME
IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD.

252
00:13:14,661 --> 00:13:17,495
THANK YOU.
THERE, YOU SEE...

253
00:13:17,497 --> 00:13:20,165
THE TRUTH.

254
00:13:20,167 --> 00:13:23,168
BY THE WAY, LEON,
YOU'RE FAILING.

255
00:13:23,170 --> 00:13:26,370
- I THOUGHT YOU SAID IT
WOULDN'T AFFECT MY GRADE.
- IT DIDN'T.

256
00:13:32,245 --> 00:13:35,246
ANYBODY HOME?
ANYB-- OH, HI.

257
00:13:35,248 --> 00:13:37,248
I BROUGHT YOU FOLKS
YOUR EXTRA KEY.

258
00:13:37,250 --> 00:13:39,750
YEAH, RIGHT.
GOOD EXCUSE.

259
00:13:39,752 --> 00:13:43,187
YOU JUST WANTED
TO COME UP HERE
AND STARE AT PIMPLE BOY.

260
00:13:43,189 --> 00:13:46,957
YOU POOR KID.
I REMEMBER HOW IT
FEELS TO BE YOUR AGE.

261
00:13:46,959 --> 00:13:49,727
I REMEMBER HOW IT FEELS
TO BE YOUR AGE.

262
00:13:51,864 --> 00:13:55,132
I'M GOING TO GO OUT
AND GET SOME SMOKES.
YOU WANT TO TAKE A RIDE?

263
00:13:55,134 --> 00:13:57,167
YEAH, WHATEVER.

264
00:13:57,169 --> 00:14:00,571
IT'S REALLY NOT FAIR.
I CAN GROW A PIMPLE
BUT NOT A MUSTACHE.

265
00:14:00,573 --> 00:14:02,540
WHAT'S YOUR SECRET?

266
00:14:10,049 --> 00:14:12,049
- SOLOMON, SALLY.
- HERE.

267
00:14:13,486 --> 00:14:16,153
YOU FAILED THE WRITTEN EXAM.
COME BACK IN THREE WEEKS.

268
00:14:16,155 --> 00:14:18,623
I CAN'T COME BACK.
I CAN'T.

269
00:14:18,625 --> 00:14:21,559
- SORRY, THOSE ARE THE RULES.
- I NEED A LICENSE NOW.

270
00:14:21,561 --> 00:14:23,494
I'M THE WOMAN.

271
00:14:29,569 --> 00:14:31,669
I REALLY NEED YOUR HELP.

272
00:14:33,539 --> 00:14:35,806
YOU MUST BE A GENIUS.

273
00:14:38,110 --> 00:14:40,544
YOUR LINE IS SO BIG,

274
00:14:40,546 --> 00:14:43,547
BUT IT MOVES SO FAST.

275
00:14:45,184 --> 00:14:47,351
WELL, I DO MY BEST.

276
00:14:47,353 --> 00:14:50,087
THERE'S GOT TO BE
SOME WAY YOU CAN HELP ME.

277
00:14:50,089 --> 00:14:52,590
I MEAN, I KNOW
YOU HAVE A HEART

278
00:14:52,592 --> 00:14:55,993
IN THAT BIG, HAIRY,
WONDERFUL CHEST OF YOURS.

279
00:14:55,995 --> 00:14:59,129
I BET PRETTY GIRLS
BEG YOU ALL THE TIME, HUH?

280
00:14:59,131 --> 00:15:01,098
OKAY, YOU CAN TAKE
THE TEST AGAIN.

281
00:15:03,636 --> 00:15:05,836
THANK YOU.

282
00:15:05,838 --> 00:15:08,038
I COULD GET
VERY GOOD AT THIS.

283
00:15:13,646 --> 00:15:16,213
HEY, WHAT DID YOU PUT
UNDER "WEIGHT"?

284
00:15:23,690 --> 00:15:26,123
TOMMY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

285
00:15:26,125 --> 00:15:28,793
THE MALL, DICK.
I WAS AT THE MALL.

286
00:15:28,795 --> 00:15:31,261
IT MAY BE
THE MOST EMOTIONALLY
SATISFYING PLACE

287
00:15:31,263 --> 00:15:33,364
I'VE EVER BEEN.

288
00:15:33,366 --> 00:15:35,399
WERE YOU ABLE TO OBSERVE
OTHER LIFE-FORMS?

289
00:15:35,401 --> 00:15:37,401
DEFINITELY.
EVERYBODY THERE

290
00:15:37,403 --> 00:15:40,438
WAS AS OILY
AND DISGUSTING AS ME.

291
00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:42,540
IT WAS A FOOD COURT
OF MUTANTS,

292
00:15:42,542 --> 00:15:45,443
A CATALOG OF HORRORS,
A FREAK SHOW,

293
00:15:45,445 --> 00:15:48,679
AND I WAS
THEIR LIZARD KING.

294
00:15:48,681 --> 00:15:51,349
OH.  WHAT DO YOU DO
WHEN YOU'RE THERE?

295
00:15:52,652 --> 00:15:55,118
- HANG.
- WHAT DO YOU SEE?

296
00:15:55,120 --> 00:15:57,120
STUFF.

297
00:15:57,122 --> 00:15:59,157
I BELONG NOW.

298
00:15:59,159 --> 00:16:01,659
OH, YEAH, STAY OUT
OF MY ROOM!

299
00:16:01,661 --> 00:16:03,161
( laughing )

300
00:16:06,599 --> 00:16:08,766
DICK?  DICK, LOOK,

301
00:16:08,768 --> 00:16:10,935
I GOT MY DRIVER'S LICENSE.

302
00:16:10,937 --> 00:16:12,937
ACCORDING TO THIS,
YOU'RE A 55-YEAR-OLD,

303
00:16:12,939 --> 00:16:14,972
300-POUND ASIAN WOMAN.

304
00:16:17,110 --> 00:16:19,077
AND AN ORGAN DONOR.

305
00:16:20,580 --> 00:16:23,481
DICK, I GOT
MY DRIVER'S PERMIT, TOO.

306
00:16:23,483 --> 00:16:25,516
YES, I EXPECTED YOU WOULD.

307
00:16:27,620 --> 00:16:30,854
I JUST WANT TO SAY
THAT I NOT ONLY
ACCOMPLISHED MY GOAL,

308
00:16:30,856 --> 00:16:32,856
BUT... I'VE DISCOVERED

309
00:16:32,858 --> 00:16:35,293
A SOFTER PLACE
WITHIN MYSELF,

310
00:16:35,295 --> 00:16:38,696
AND IT IS ALL BECAUSE OF
YOU AND YOUR EXTRAORDINARY
ABILITY TO COMMAND.

311
00:16:38,698 --> 00:16:41,932
- THANK YOU, LIEUTENANT.
- YOU HAVE SO MANY FACETS
TO ADMIRE,

312
00:16:41,934 --> 00:16:44,268
TIME PROHIBITS
MY NAMING THEM ALL.

313
00:16:45,638 --> 00:16:48,139
SHALL I SPEAK
OF YOUR COURAGE,

314
00:16:48,141 --> 00:16:51,976
HOW YOU'VE LED
A RAGTAG CREW OF MISFITS
ACROSS THE GALAXIES,

315
00:16:51,978 --> 00:16:54,145
FUELED BY
YOUR BRAVE SPIRIT?

316
00:16:56,749 --> 00:16:59,850
OR SHALL I CONFESS
THAT YOUR BOYISH GOOD LOOKS

317
00:16:59,852 --> 00:17:02,686
ARE STUNTED ONLY
BY YOUR PERSONAL BIGNESS?

318
00:17:03,823 --> 00:17:06,124
OH, WHERE TO BEGIN

319
00:17:06,126 --> 00:17:08,959
SIMPLY EXHAUSTS
MY FEMININE MIND.

320
00:17:10,530 --> 00:17:12,563
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- LYING.

321
00:17:14,534 --> 00:17:17,235
- YOU LIKE IT?
- IT'S INCREDIBLE.

322
00:17:17,237 --> 00:17:19,237
- I LOVE IT!
- REALLY?

323
00:17:19,239 --> 00:17:21,739
- YES!  HOW DID YOU DO IT?
- ANYBODY CAN DO IT.

324
00:17:21,741 --> 00:17:24,775
LOOK AT ME, I'VE JUST
DONE IT ONCE, AND HERE I AM,
WHIPPING IT OUT THERE.

325
00:17:24,777 --> 00:17:26,777
WOW!

326
00:17:26,779 --> 00:17:28,779
I THOUGHT THE TRUTH
WAS POTENT,

327
00:17:28,781 --> 00:17:31,249
BUT IT'S NOTHING
COMPARED TO THIS.

328
00:17:31,251 --> 00:17:34,285
THIS MAKES ME FEEL
POWERLESS AND SUSCEPTIBLE,

329
00:17:35,921 --> 00:17:39,323
AND READY TO YIELD
TO YOUR EVERY--
( gasps )

330
00:17:39,325 --> 00:17:42,493
I'VE GOT TO FIND
DR. ALBRIGHT.

331
00:17:42,495 --> 00:17:45,263
THIS IS WEDNESDAY.
SHE CALLS IT
"OVER THE HUMP DAY."

332
00:17:45,265 --> 00:17:48,999
I DON'T KNOW WHAT
THAT MEANS, BUT I KNOW
WHERE SHE HUMPS.

333
00:17:49,001 --> 00:17:50,334
TOMMY, WE'RE GOING OUT.

334
00:17:50,336 --> 00:17:51,569
- I'LL DRIVE.
- NO, I'LL DRIVE.

335
00:17:51,571 --> 00:17:53,103
-<i> DICK...</i>
- Dick:<i> HARRY CALLED IT.</i>

336
00:17:53,105 --> 00:17:56,274
- SHOTGUN.
- I DON'T WANT TO
RIDE IN THE BACK.

337
00:17:59,779 --> 00:18:01,779
DR. ALBRIGHT, HELLO.

338
00:18:01,781 --> 00:18:04,381
HELLO.  SORRY WE DON'T
HAVE A CHAIR FOR YOU.

339
00:18:04,383 --> 00:18:06,316
NOT A PROBLEM.

340
00:18:07,753 --> 00:18:10,287
- YOU KNOW DR. BYRON.
- YES, OF COURSE.

341
00:18:10,289 --> 00:18:13,958
YOU REALLY SHOULD
HAVE THAT THING REMOVED.
IT'S ALL I CAN LOOK AT.

342
00:18:13,960 --> 00:18:16,193
- EXCUSE ME.
- I--

343
00:18:16,195 --> 00:18:18,596
LOOKS LIKE THERE'S
JUST THE TWO OF US.

344
00:18:18,598 --> 00:18:20,698
I'LL HAVE A PITCHER
OF THAT STUFF.

345
00:18:20,700 --> 00:18:24,134
- MAY I SEE YOUR
DRIVER'S LICENSE?
- YOU BET YOU CAN.

346
00:18:24,136 --> 00:18:27,437
OKAY, MRS. WU.

347
00:18:29,274 --> 00:18:32,610
I DISCOVERED SOMETHING
TODAY, AND I REALLY NEED
TO TRY IT OUT.

348
00:18:32,612 --> 00:18:34,812
THORAZINE.
I'LL GET YOU SOME WATER.

349
00:18:35,548 --> 00:18:37,848
( laughs )

350
00:18:37,850 --> 00:18:40,450
YOU SEE, YOU KNOW
THESE THINGS.

351
00:18:40,452 --> 00:18:43,220
YOU'RE SO SMART,
AND YOUR...

352
00:18:43,222 --> 00:18:46,390
YOUR LOOKS--
YOUR LOOKS ARE LIKE...

353
00:18:46,392 --> 00:18:48,392
A BEER TAP,

354
00:18:48,394 --> 00:18:51,461
A GOLDEN RUSH
OF DRUNKEN BEAUTY
WITH A NICE HEAD

355
00:18:51,463 --> 00:18:54,732
WHICH SPILLS
ALL DOWN YOUR BLOUSE,

356
00:18:54,734 --> 00:18:56,800
LEAVING YOU SWEET
AND PUNGENT.

357
00:19:00,806 --> 00:19:02,973
THAT WAS PATHETIC.

358
00:19:02,975 --> 00:19:05,509
WELL, I'M SORRY I'M NOT
AS GOOD A LIAR AS YOU ARE.

359
00:19:05,511 --> 00:19:07,411
WELL, I'M SORRY.
I'M LEAVING.

360
00:19:07,413 --> 00:19:10,681
WAIT!  YOU'RE NOT
FINISHED WITH ME YET!

361
00:19:10,683 --> 00:19:12,616
DO YOU MIND?
WE'RE TALKING.

362
00:19:15,521 --> 00:19:18,088
OKAY, YOU WIN.

363
00:19:18,090 --> 00:19:20,090
- WHAT IS IT?
- I'VE REALIZED SOMETHING.

364
00:19:20,092 --> 00:19:22,560
I CAN'T LIE TO YOU.
I WISH I COULD.

365
00:19:22,562 --> 00:19:25,996
IT'S JUST NOT SOMETHING
THAT I'M GOOD AT,
LIKE-- LIKE...

366
00:19:25,998 --> 00:19:28,031
ACTUALLY, I'M GOOD
AT EVERYTHING.

367
00:19:28,033 --> 00:19:30,868
- CAN I TELL YOU THE TRUTH?
- WHY NOT?

368
00:19:30,870 --> 00:19:32,936
THE REAL TRUTH IS,

369
00:19:32,938 --> 00:19:34,972
YOU'RE DELIGHTFUL.

370
00:19:34,974 --> 00:19:37,641
I LOVE LOOKING
INTO YOUR FACE.

371
00:19:37,643 --> 00:19:40,244
I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
ABOUT YOU THIS EVENING,

372
00:19:40,246 --> 00:19:44,014
MAYBE IT'S THE WAY
THE LIGHT HITS YOUR EYES,
MAYBE IT'S THE WINE,

373
00:19:44,016 --> 00:19:47,351
BUT YOU LOOK PUFFY--
YOU SHOULD GO HOME
AND SLEEP.

374
00:19:52,124 --> 00:19:54,458
THERE.
IS THAT BETTER?

375
00:19:54,460 --> 00:19:56,394
SADLY, YES.

376
00:19:57,730 --> 00:19:59,997
MAY I WALK YOU HOME?
AND BE HONEST.

377
00:20:01,734 --> 00:20:03,834
OKAY.

378
00:20:08,007 --> 00:20:10,708
<i> ( slow pop instrumental</i>
<i> playing on radio )</i>

379
00:20:10,710 --> 00:20:12,710
<i> ( radio clicks off )</i>

380
00:20:12,712 --> 00:20:15,379
YOU KNOW, IF SOMEONE
HAD TOLD ME A YEAR AGO

381
00:20:15,381 --> 00:20:17,481
THAT I'D BE
DRIVING A CAR

382
00:20:17,483 --> 00:20:20,885
AND SUCKING THE FLESH
OFF A DEAD BIRD,

383
00:20:20,887 --> 00:20:23,120
I'D HAVE
CALLED 'EM A LIAR.

384
00:20:23,122 --> 00:20:26,624
BEING HUMAN IS FAR MORE
COMPLEX THAN I THOUGHT.

385
00:20:26,626 --> 00:20:28,926
THERE IS NO ABSOLUTE
PERSONAL TRUTH HERE,

386
00:20:28,928 --> 00:20:32,262
AND THESE BODIES DON'T COME
WITH AN OWNER'S MANUAL.

387
00:20:32,264 --> 00:20:35,433
SO EVERY DAY THESE PEOPLE
HAVE TO MAKE UP LIFE,

388
00:20:35,435 --> 00:20:38,669
AND TRUTH BECOMES
HIGHLY INDIVIDUAL.

389
00:20:38,671 --> 00:20:40,771
OH, MY GOD, DICK,

390
00:20:40,773 --> 00:20:44,107
WHAT IF THIS LYING THING
FALLS INTO THE HANDS
OF THE POLITICIANS?

391
00:20:46,579 --> 00:20:50,113
OOH, THAT'S
A HORRIFYING THOUGHT.

392
00:20:50,115 --> 00:20:52,282
I THINK THESE HUMANS
BEND THE TRUTH

393
00:20:52,284 --> 00:20:55,118
BECAUSE THIS IS
A DIFFICULT PLACE TO LIVE.

394
00:20:55,120 --> 00:20:57,120
IT'S A LONELY BLUE DOT

395
00:20:57,122 --> 00:20:59,356
ON THE FAR END
OF THE GALAXY.

396
00:20:59,358 --> 00:21:02,793
AND ALL THE HALF-TRUTHS
AND FLATTERY AND DIPLOMACY

397
00:21:02,795 --> 00:21:05,362
ARE THE LUBRICANT
THAT PEOPLE SPREAD
ON EACH OTHER

398
00:21:05,364 --> 00:21:07,431
TO GET OVER
THE ROUGH SPOTS.

399
00:21:07,433 --> 00:21:11,168
IT'S A LOT EASIER
ON OUR PLANET.
NO ONE EVER LIES.

400
00:21:11,170 --> 00:21:15,105
EXCEPT, OF COURSE,
WHEN YOU DON'T WANT
TO HELP SOMEBODY MOVE.

401
00:21:15,107 --> 00:21:17,307
- I WAS SICK THAT DAY.
- I HELPED YOU MOVE.

402
00:21:17,309 --> 00:21:19,443
- Sally:<i> I HAD TWO BOXES.</i>
-<i> WHO PACKED THE BOXES?</i>

403
00:21:19,445 --> 00:21:20,945
Sally:
<i> OKAY, LISTEN,</i>
<i> IF WE'RE GONNA...</i>

404
00:21:22,682 --> 00:21:25,516
<i> ( '50s rock music playing )</i>