1
00:00:02,036 --> 00:00:03,835
- HELLO!
- HI, DICK.

2
00:00:03,837 --> 00:00:06,005
I BROUGHT HOME
A PIZZA.

3
00:00:06,007 --> 00:00:08,974
- HEY, DICK, HOW WAS YOUR DAY?
- SALLY, WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE?

4
00:00:08,976 --> 00:00:11,110
I THOUGHT YOU WERE
SUPPOSED TO BE OUT

5
00:00:11,112 --> 00:00:13,745
- INVESTIGATING YOUR CHEMICAL
ATTRACTION TO MR. RANDELL.
- WE HAD A DATE,

6
00:00:13,747 --> 00:00:16,748
- BUT HE HAD TO CANCEL.
HIS MOTHER CAME IN TOWN.
-<i> SO?</i>

7
00:00:16,750 --> 00:00:20,552
I DON'T KNOW,
HE SAID HE WANTED TO
BREAK ME TO HER GENTLY.

8
00:00:20,554 --> 00:00:23,122
DICK, AREN'T YOU
GOING TO ASK ME
HOW MY DAY WENT?

9
00:00:23,124 --> 00:00:25,124
GOOD WORK, HARRY.
WELL-DONE.

10
00:00:25,126 --> 00:00:26,958
SALLY,

11
00:00:26,960 --> 00:00:29,228
JUST BECAUSE
YOU HAVEN'T BEEN
INVITED SOMEWHERE

12
00:00:29,230 --> 00:00:31,230
IS NO REASON
NOT TO GO.

13
00:00:31,232 --> 00:00:33,399
YOUR NEXT ASSIGNMENT
IS TO MEET THIS MOTHER

14
00:00:33,401 --> 00:00:35,734
AND STUDY
HER MATERNAL POWER.

15
00:00:35,736 --> 00:00:38,503
I COULD SEDUCE HER
IF YOU LIKE.

16
00:00:38,505 --> 00:00:40,405
UH, NO, HARRY.

17
00:00:40,407 --> 00:00:42,474
TOMMY, HAVE YOU INFILTRATED
THE GLEE CLUB YET?

18
00:00:42,476 --> 00:00:44,243
YEAH,
THEY'RE VERY HAPPY.

19
00:00:45,546 --> 00:00:48,113
- END OF REPORT.
- GOOD WORK, TOMMY.

20
00:00:48,115 --> 00:00:50,716
- HEY, WHAT ABOUT ME?
- WELL, WHAT ABOUT YOU?

21
00:00:50,718 --> 00:00:53,218
THAT'S MY POINT.
YOU'RE THE HIGH
COMMANDER,

22
00:00:53,220 --> 00:00:56,388
AND SHE'S
IN CHARGE OF SECURITY.
HE'S THE INFORMATION OFFICER.

23
00:00:56,390 --> 00:00:59,090
- WHAT AM I?
- WELL, YOU'RE...

24
00:00:59,092 --> 00:01:01,092
YOU'RE HARRY.

25
00:01:01,094 --> 00:01:03,928
OH, SURE, I GOT
THE FANCY TITLE,

26
00:01:05,566 --> 00:01:08,933
- BUT WHAT DO I DO?
WHAT AM I GOOD AT?
- All: UH...

27
00:01:08,935 --> 00:01:12,070
- YOU-- YOU PAINT.
- OH, YEAH, I LIKE PAINTING.

28
00:01:12,072 --> 00:01:14,406
PAINTING, YES.
GREAT.  GO, PAINT.

29
00:01:14,408 --> 00:01:16,441
OH, OKAY.

30
00:01:16,443 --> 00:01:20,011
- OFF TO MY PAINTING.
JUST YELL IF YOU NEED ME.
- SURE, WHATEVER.

31
00:01:20,013 --> 00:01:23,081
OH, DICK, THEY
SCREWED IT UP AGAIN!

32
00:01:23,083 --> 00:01:25,184
- OH, MAN!
- OH, DAMN!

33
00:01:25,186 --> 00:01:27,152
<i> ( '50s rock music playing )</i>

34
00:01:56,350 --> 00:01:59,984
<i> ( laser gun blasts on TV )</i>

35
00:01:59,986 --> 00:02:02,721
- WHAT'S THIS, TOMMY?
- "STAR WARS."  IT'S A MOVIE.

36
00:02:02,723 --> 00:02:04,956
- WHAT'S ALL THAT
SUPPOSED TO BE?
- OUTER SPACE.

37
00:02:04,958 --> 00:02:06,891
CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?

38
00:02:08,395 --> 00:02:10,395
IF OUTER SPACE
WAS THAT HAPPENING,

39
00:02:10,397 --> 00:02:12,464
I NEVER WOULD
HAVE LEFT.

40
00:02:12,466 --> 00:02:16,335
- TOMMY, I'M ALMOST READY.
- WHOA!  WHERE ARE
YOU GOING?

41
00:02:16,337 --> 00:02:18,503
- I'M TAKING TOMMY
TO SCHOOL.
- OH.

42
00:02:18,505 --> 00:02:20,839
BE SURE TO TALK
TO THAT MR. RANDELL.

43
00:02:20,841 --> 00:02:22,841
OH, WILL HE BE THERE?

44
00:02:22,843 --> 00:02:25,176
GOSH, I HOPE
I DON'T DISTRACT HIM.

45
00:02:25,178 --> 00:02:27,178
OW!  OW, OW, OW.

46
00:02:27,180 --> 00:02:30,649
- YOU ARE IN BIG TROUBLE,
AND BIG, BIG TROUBLE.
- WHAT'S GOING ON?

47
00:02:30,651 --> 00:02:33,084
HE WAS PAINTING SOMETHING
AWFUL ON THE SIDE
OF THE HOUSE.

48
00:02:33,086 --> 00:02:35,086
A POST-IMPRESSIONIST
URBAN MURAL.

49
00:02:35,088 --> 00:02:38,022
I WAS GIVEN
FULL PERMISSION.
TELL HER, DICK.

50
00:02:38,024 --> 00:02:41,159
WELL, I PROMISE YOU,
MRS. DUBCEK, HARRY
WILL NOT GO UNPUNISHED.

51
00:02:41,161 --> 00:02:43,829
HE WILL SIT IN HIS ROOM
AND THINK ABOUT
WHAT HE DID

52
00:02:43,831 --> 00:02:46,732
WHILE YOU REPAINT
YOUR HOUSE.

53
00:02:46,734 --> 00:02:49,768
IDLE HANDS DO
THE DEVIL'S WORK.
WHEN I WAS A YOUNG GIRL--

54
00:02:49,770 --> 00:02:52,170
THE GLACIER RECEDED,
CREATING THE GREAT LAKES.

55
00:02:52,172 --> 00:02:54,339
I'M SURE
IT WAS INCREDIBLE.
BYE-BYE, NOW.

56
00:02:54,341 --> 00:02:57,809
GOOD-BYE.
BYE-BYE, NOW.
GOOD-BYE.

57
00:02:57,811 --> 00:03:00,044
- ( clears throat )
- WELL, THANKS A LOT, DICK.

58
00:03:00,046 --> 00:03:02,013
YOU TELL ME TO PAINT,

59
00:03:02,015 --> 00:03:05,016
AND THEN YOU HANG ME OUT
TO DRY LIKE A SHIRT,

60
00:03:05,018 --> 00:03:08,052
A WET SHIRT.

61
00:03:08,054 --> 00:03:10,889
A WET SHIRT
THAT NEEDS DRYING.

62
00:03:13,159 --> 00:03:16,495
WHY IS HARRY SO UPSET
ALL OF A SUDDEN?
IS HE MAD AT ME?

63
00:03:16,497 --> 00:03:19,130
NO.  HE JUST
FEELS LEFT OUT.

64
00:03:19,132 --> 00:03:22,601
HE'S SEARCHING FOR HIS IDENTITY,
SO HE'S ACTING UP TO GET
YOUR ATTENTION.

65
00:03:22,603 --> 00:03:26,237
- HOW DO YOU KNOW ALL THIS?
- I SEE IT WITH SOPHOMORES
ALL THE TIME.

66
00:03:26,239 --> 00:03:28,740
WHAT HE NEEDS NOW
IS AN AUTHORITY FIGURE.

67
00:03:28,742 --> 00:03:31,175
HE'S GOT AN AUTHORITY FIGURE.
I'M THE HIGH COMMANDER.

68
00:03:31,177 --> 00:03:33,177
- NO, I MEAN A PARENT.
- YES.

69
00:03:33,179 --> 00:03:36,080
MR. RANDELL HAS A MOTHER,
AND HE TURNED OUT DREAMY.

70
00:03:37,484 --> 00:03:40,919
OF COURSE...
HARRY NEEDS A FATHER.

71
00:03:40,921 --> 00:03:42,921
I SHOULD HAVE SEEN IT.

72
00:03:42,923 --> 00:03:45,056
WELL, I CAN FILL
THOSE SHOES.

73
00:03:45,058 --> 00:03:47,058
I'M PRETENDING
TO BE YOUR FATHER.

74
00:03:47,060 --> 00:03:49,628
OF COURSE, I MAY HAVE
TO NEGLECT YOU FOR AWHILE.

75
00:03:49,630 --> 00:03:52,431
I KNOW.  I DON'T MIND.
YOU'RE A TERRIBLE
FATHER, ANYWAY.

76
00:03:52,433 --> 00:03:55,634
( gasps )
WELL, YOU'RE
A LOUSY SON.

77
00:03:55,636 --> 00:03:57,636
I'M OLD AND SET
IN MY WAYS.

78
00:03:57,638 --> 00:04:00,171
IT'S GOING TO BE DIFFERENT
WITH MY SECOND SON.

79
00:04:02,175 --> 00:04:05,410
- I'M GOING TO BE A TERRIFIC
FATHER TO HARRY.
- OH, SURE.

80
00:04:05,412 --> 00:04:08,413
AND I'M GOING TO START OFF
BY BEING COMPLETELY HONEST
WITH HIM.

81
00:04:08,415 --> 00:04:10,749
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN, HONEST?
- I'M GOING TO TELL HIM

82
00:04:10,751 --> 00:04:13,318
ABOUT THAT THING
THAT THEY PUT IN HIS HEAD.

83
00:04:13,320 --> 00:04:15,654
- OH, NO, NO.
- YOU CAN'T TELL HIM
ABOUT THE THING.

84
00:04:15,656 --> 00:04:18,590
TELLING HIM ABOUT THE THING
WOULD BE A BAD THING.

85
00:04:18,592 --> 00:04:22,226
SHH!  IX-NAY
ON THE THING-THAY.

86
00:04:22,228 --> 00:04:25,330
UH, HARRY, I'VE
MADE A DECISION.

87
00:04:25,332 --> 00:04:27,332
FROM NOW ON,

88
00:04:27,334 --> 00:04:29,901
I DON'T WANT YOU TO THINK
OF ME AS YOUR COMMANDER.

89
00:04:29,903 --> 00:04:32,471
I WANT YOU TO THINK
OF ME AS A FATHER,

90
00:04:32,473 --> 00:04:34,238
A FATHER
WHO OUTRANKS YOU.

91
00:04:35,742 --> 00:04:39,410
- WELL, A FATHER?  WHY?
- GUIDANCE, EMOTIONAL SUPPORT.

92
00:04:39,412 --> 00:04:41,412
I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU.

93
00:04:41,414 --> 00:04:43,915
I'LL BE THE WIND
BENEATH YOUR SHEETS.

94
00:04:45,218 --> 00:04:48,820
HARRY, YOU NEED
ANYTHING AT ALL,
YOU COME TO ME.

95
00:04:48,822 --> 00:04:51,656
WELL, OKAY.
CAN I BORROW THE CAR?

96
00:04:51,658 --> 00:04:53,658
- NO.
- CAN I HAVE
SOME CASH?

97
00:04:53,660 --> 00:04:56,728
- NO.
- CAN I BRING
A WOMAN TO MY ROOM?

98
00:04:56,730 --> 00:04:58,663
- NEVER HAPPEN.
- SURE.

99
00:05:02,035 --> 00:05:04,402
OH, WELL, THANKS,
COMMANDER.

100
00:05:04,404 --> 00:05:07,105
I MEAN, DICK-- DAD.

101
00:05:07,107 --> 00:05:09,040
FATHER DICK.

102
00:05:11,512 --> 00:05:13,444
OH.

103
00:05:15,516 --> 00:05:18,282
HOSTILITIES DIDN'T
BEGIN TO ESCALATE

104
00:05:18,284 --> 00:05:21,452
UNTIL THE CONFEDERATE
TROOPS ATTACKED
FORT SUMTER.

105
00:05:23,624 --> 00:05:26,224
AND FOUR YEARS LATER,
THE WAR IS PRETTY
MUCH OVER.

106
00:05:28,695 --> 00:05:31,095
- MR. RANDELL.
- SALLY.

107
00:05:34,167 --> 00:05:36,167
- HEY, SOLOMON.
- WHAT?

108
00:05:36,169 --> 00:05:40,004
ARE RANDELL
AND YOUR AUNT
LIKE, UH, YOU KNOW?

109
00:05:40,006 --> 00:05:43,575
I DON'T KNOW,
WHY DON'T YOU RAISE YOUR
HAND AND ASK, YOU MOOK?

110
00:05:45,612 --> 00:05:48,713
SO, DID YOU WANT TO TALK
TO ME ABOUT TOMMY?

111
00:05:48,715 --> 00:05:51,917
- NO.  TOMMY'S
DOING FINE.
- OH.

112
00:05:51,919 --> 00:05:53,952
WELL, THEN,
SINCE I'M HERE,

113
00:05:53,954 --> 00:05:56,020
CAN I MEET YOUR MOTHER?

114
00:05:56,022 --> 00:05:59,891
- I DON'T KNOW THAT YOU'RE
READY TO MEET MY MOTHER.
- WE COULD HAVE DINNER.

115
00:05:59,893 --> 00:06:01,893
- YOU DON'T THINK
IT'S A LITTLE EARLY?
- NO.

116
00:06:01,895 --> 00:06:04,496
I THINK BREAKFAST
WOULD BE EARLY.
DINNER'S FINE.

117
00:06:05,732 --> 00:06:07,732
I DON'T KNOW, SALLY.

118
00:06:07,734 --> 00:06:10,068
SHE'S NOT AN EASY PERSON
TO GET TO KNOW.

119
00:06:10,070 --> 00:06:12,070
SHE'S EXTREMELY PROTECTIVE,
AND SHE NEVER THINKS

120
00:06:12,072 --> 00:06:14,305
ANYONE OR ANY THING
IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.

121
00:06:14,307 --> 00:06:17,709
I THINK SHE'S REALLY
GOING TO LIKE ME...

122
00:06:17,711 --> 00:06:20,044
A LOT.

123
00:06:20,046 --> 00:06:22,046
HEY, BYE, TOMMY.

124
00:06:22,048 --> 00:06:23,915
( mutters
in hoarse voice )

125
00:06:25,151 --> 00:06:27,018
<i> ( bell tolls )</i>

126
00:06:27,020 --> 00:06:29,988
...WHICH CAN BE
DIRECTLY APPLIED

127
00:06:29,990 --> 00:06:33,725
TO NEWTON'S
SECOND LAW OF MOTION

128
00:06:33,727 --> 00:06:37,362
WHICH, FOR
PERSONAL REASONS,
IS MY FAVORITE.

129
00:06:37,364 --> 00:06:40,399
ISAAC NEWTON, OF COURSE,
HAS BEEN CALLED

130
00:06:40,401 --> 00:06:43,468
THE FATHER OF MODERN
PHYSICS, WHICH BRINGS ME
TO ANOTHER QUESTION.

131
00:06:43,470 --> 00:06:46,938
HOW MANY OF YOU HAVE
FATHERS?  SHOW OF HANDS.
ANYONE?  FATHERS?

132
00:06:48,675 --> 00:06:50,909
EVERYONE HAS
FATHERS.  GOOD.

133
00:06:50,911 --> 00:06:54,479
SO, WHO WOULD
LIKE TO RELATE SOME
FATHERESQUE EXPERIENCES,

134
00:06:54,481 --> 00:06:56,815
SOMETHING VERY FATHERY?

135
00:06:56,817 --> 00:06:58,850
UH, OKAY, WELL,

136
00:06:58,852 --> 00:07:01,019
MY FATHER AND I HAVE
THIS VERY SPECIAL--

137
00:07:01,021 --> 00:07:03,555
NO, NO, NO,
CARYN.  PLEASE.

138
00:07:03,557 --> 00:07:07,392
I'M ONLY INTERESTED
IN FATHER-SON EXPERIENCES.

139
00:07:07,394 --> 00:07:10,061
- BUG?
- MY FATHER?
VERY STRICT.

140
00:07:10,063 --> 00:07:12,130
IT DIDN'T MATTER
THAT I WAS THE YOUNGEST.

141
00:07:12,132 --> 00:07:15,233
- WHEN I'D ACT UP,
HE'D GIVE ME HIS BELT.
- YOU WORE THE SAME SIZE?

142
00:07:17,037 --> 00:07:19,905
AS PUNISHMENT,
HE'D PUT ME OVER HIS KNEE
AND GIVE ME A WHOOPING.

143
00:07:19,907 --> 00:07:23,074
SO HE GAVE YOU
A WHOOPING AND A BELT?

144
00:07:23,076 --> 00:07:24,776
UH, WITH A BELT.

145
00:07:24,778 --> 00:07:26,678
AND THEN HE GAVE
YOU THE BELT?

146
00:07:26,680 --> 00:07:28,513
UM...

147
00:07:28,515 --> 00:07:30,114
YEAH.

148
00:07:33,053 --> 00:07:35,520
LEON, DID YOUR DAD
EVER GIVE YOU A BELT?

149
00:07:35,522 --> 00:07:37,522
NO.  NO,
MY DAD'S GREAT.

150
00:07:37,524 --> 00:07:40,191
EVERY AUGUST, WE RENT
A CABIN ON LAKE ERIE.

151
00:07:40,193 --> 00:07:42,827
WE PICK UP A CASE
OF TALL BOYS, GET FACED,

152
00:07:42,829 --> 00:07:45,697
AND HIT ON
THE GIRLS WHO RENT
THE PONTOON BOATS.

153
00:07:47,501 --> 00:07:50,735
-<i> ( class bell rings )</i>
- TOMORROW THERE
WILL BE A POP QUIZ

154
00:07:50,737 --> 00:07:52,838
ON THE EFFECTS
OF THERMAL DYNAMICS.

155
00:07:52,840 --> 00:07:54,840
REMEMBER, IT'S
A POP QUIZ.

156
00:07:54,842 --> 00:07:57,008
IF YOU STUDY,
I'LL KNOW.

157
00:08:00,113 --> 00:08:02,180
HARRY!

158
00:08:02,182 --> 00:08:05,884
SON, LOOK WHAT
I BROUGHT HOME FOR US.

159
00:08:07,454 --> 00:08:09,621
IT'S A SIX-PACK
OF TALL BOYS.

160
00:08:09,623 --> 00:08:12,791
LET'S SAY WE GET FACED
AND THEN I'LL GIVE YOU
MY BELT.

161
00:08:16,296 --> 00:08:18,997
- FORGET IT, MAN.
- WHAT'S THIS?

162
00:08:18,999 --> 00:08:22,366
I'M CUTTING OUT.
I'M BLOWING THIS JOINT.

163
00:08:22,368 --> 00:08:24,769
I'M TAKING
SOME POWDER.

164
00:08:24,771 --> 00:08:27,606
- YOU'RE LEAVING?
YOU CAN'T LEAVE.
- FACE IT, DICK.

165
00:08:27,608 --> 00:08:29,841
I HAVE
NO PURPOSE HERE.

166
00:08:29,843 --> 00:08:31,843
I'LL FIND YOU
A PURPOSE.

167
00:08:31,845 --> 00:08:35,213
I'LL SET UP A MEETING
FOR YOU WITH THE CAMPUS
JOB COUNSELOR.

168
00:08:35,215 --> 00:08:38,483
THAT'S YOUR WORLD,
MAN, NOT MINE.

169
00:08:38,485 --> 00:08:41,219
SEE, I'M REJECTING
ALL THAT "9-TO-5,

170
00:08:41,221 --> 00:08:43,221
MAKE A LIVING,
BECOME A SUCCESS,

171
00:08:43,223 --> 00:08:45,890
FEEL GOOD ABOUT
YOURSELF" CRAP.

172
00:08:45,892 --> 00:08:48,292
THAT'S A SUCKER'S
GAME, MAN.

173
00:08:48,294 --> 00:08:50,729
WELL, COLOR ME GONE.

174
00:08:50,731 --> 00:08:54,065
BUT, HARRY--  WAIT.
YOU'RE PART OF THE UNIT.

175
00:08:54,067 --> 00:08:56,635
- WE NEED YOU.
- WHAT DO YOU NEED ME FOR?

176
00:08:56,637 --> 00:08:59,671
WELL, UH... BECAUSE...
WE LOVE YOU,

177
00:08:59,673 --> 00:09:02,306
AND YOU'RE IMPORTANT
TO THE FAMILY,

178
00:09:02,308 --> 00:09:04,475
AND, UH...
YOU'RE SO PRETTY.

179
00:09:07,080 --> 00:09:10,581
WELL, I MAY BE PRETTY,
BUT I KNOW I'M
NOT IMPORTANT.

180
00:09:10,583 --> 00:09:12,751
- NO, HARRY--
-<i> ( cat yowls )</i>

181
00:09:12,753 --> 00:09:14,686
YOU<i> ARE</i> IMPORTANT.
YOU'RE--

182
00:09:16,089 --> 00:09:18,156
I WASN'T GOING
TO SAY THIS.

183
00:09:18,158 --> 00:09:20,825
HARRY,

184
00:09:20,827 --> 00:09:23,261
YOU'VE GOT A THING
IN YOUR HEAD.

185
00:09:25,732 --> 00:09:28,533
A THING?

186
00:09:28,535 --> 00:09:31,569
A CRANIAL
MICRORECEIVER CHIP.

187
00:09:31,571 --> 00:09:33,638
- IN MY HEAD?
- YES,

188
00:09:33,640 --> 00:09:37,441
BUT IT'S NOT IN
THE PART YOU USE.
IT'S IN YOUR BRAIN.

189
00:09:42,015 --> 00:09:44,015
THIS IS SO EXCITING.

190
00:09:44,017 --> 00:09:47,285
I THINK IT'S EVERY
LITTLE GIRL'S DREAM TO MEET
HER BOYFRIEND'S MOTHER.

191
00:09:48,454 --> 00:09:51,022
I ALWAYS THOUGHT
IT WAS TO GET MARRIED.

192
00:09:51,024 --> 00:09:54,358
MR. RANDELL, IT'S
ONLY BEEN TWO DATES.

193
00:09:56,196 --> 00:09:58,129
WHEN?

194
00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:02,000
- HI, HONEY.
- MOTHER.

195
00:10:02,002 --> 00:10:04,002
MMM!

196
00:10:04,004 --> 00:10:06,037
WELL, THIS
IS SALLY.

197
00:10:06,039 --> 00:10:08,707
MRS. RANDELL, IT IS SUCH
A PLEASURE TO MEET YOU.

198
00:10:08,709 --> 00:10:10,975
YOU SURE SQUEEZED OUT
A WINNER, LADY.

199
00:10:15,348 --> 00:10:19,117
- WHY, THANK YOU.
- WHY DON'T WE SIT DOWN?

200
00:10:21,487 --> 00:10:23,454
NOW, WHICH SALLY
ARE YOU?

201
00:10:26,226 --> 00:10:29,493
- THE ONLY SALLY.
- I HAVE TO APOLOGIZE.

202
00:10:29,495 --> 00:10:31,562
IT'S JUST THAT HE'S
SO DARN HANDSOME.

203
00:10:31,564 --> 00:10:35,333
HE ATTRACTS SO MANY
WOMEN, I TEND TO GET
YOU ALL CONFUSED.

204
00:10:35,335 --> 00:10:37,335
ACTUALLY, MOTHER,
I WAS THE ONE

205
00:10:37,337 --> 00:10:40,438
WHO WAS ATTRACTED TO SALLY.
SHE HAS A BEAUTIFUL SMILE.

206
00:10:40,440 --> 00:10:42,841
OH, ABSOLUTELY.
ARE THOSE CAPS?

207
00:10:42,843 --> 00:10:45,176
OH, NO,
THEY'RE TEETH.

208
00:10:45,178 --> 00:10:47,511
THEY GO ALL THE WAY
BACK.  SEE?

209
00:10:50,583 --> 00:10:53,784
<i> SO I HAVE A RECEIVER</i>
<i> CHIP IN MY BRAIN.</i>

210
00:10:53,786 --> 00:10:56,154
AND I HAVE THIS, WHY?

211
00:10:56,156 --> 00:10:58,322
WELL, BECAUSE

212
00:10:58,324 --> 00:11:01,159
SOMETIMES OUR
SUPREME LEADER,

213
00:11:01,161 --> 00:11:03,261
THE BIG GIANT HEAD,

214
00:11:03,263 --> 00:11:05,396
WELL, HE NEEDS TO
COMMUNICATE WITH US,

215
00:11:05,398 --> 00:11:08,099
AND WE PICKED YOU--
YOU, HARRY.

216
00:11:08,101 --> 00:11:11,802
WITHOUT YOU,
WE CAN'T MAINTAIN CONTACT
WITH THE HOME OFFICE.

217
00:11:11,804 --> 00:11:15,073
- WELL... DOES TOMMY
KNOW ABOUT THIS?
- YES.

218
00:11:15,075 --> 00:11:17,408
- DOES SALLY
KNOW ABOUT THIS?
- YES.

219
00:11:18,711 --> 00:11:21,079
DO YOU KNOW
ABOUT THIS?

220
00:11:23,316 --> 00:11:26,117
LOOK, I'M SORRY,
I SHOULD HAVE TOLD YOU SOONER,

221
00:11:26,119 --> 00:11:29,854
BUT ISN'T IT NEAT
TO FIND OUT NEW THINGS
ABOUT YOURSELF?

222
00:11:31,691 --> 00:11:34,025
YOU HAVE DESTROYED

223
00:11:34,027 --> 00:11:36,027
MY LIFE!

224
00:11:36,029 --> 00:11:39,197
- HARRY, PLEASE.
- OH-HH, SO IT'S OKAY

225
00:11:39,199 --> 00:11:41,532
FOR ME TO HAVE
A THING IN MY HEAD,

226
00:11:41,534 --> 00:11:44,903
BUT IT'S NOT OKAY
FOR ME TO KNOW ABOUT IT?

227
00:11:44,905 --> 00:11:48,039
AND YOU CALL
YOURSELF A FATHER.

228
00:11:48,041 --> 00:11:50,041
I'M OUT OF HERE.

229
00:11:50,043 --> 00:11:52,377
HARRY, YOU ARE
NOT LEAVING!

230
00:11:52,379 --> 00:11:55,013
YOU'RE COMING
RIGHT BACK HERE!
THAT'S AN ORDER.

231
00:11:56,649 --> 00:11:58,883
YOU KNOW, DICK,
IF YOU WERE MY FATHER,

232
00:11:58,885 --> 00:12:01,585
I WOULD THINK THAT
YOU WOULD CARE ENOUGH
ABOUT MY FEELINGS

233
00:12:01,587 --> 00:12:03,921
TO JUST LET ME GO.

234
00:12:03,923 --> 00:12:07,158
YOU'RE RIGHT.
YOU NEED TO SORT THIS
OUT FOR YOURSELF.

235
00:12:07,160 --> 00:12:09,160
GO.

236
00:12:09,162 --> 00:12:12,096
BUT AS HIGH COMMANDER,
I MUST HAVE ACCESS
TO THAT TRANSMITTER.

237
00:12:12,098 --> 00:12:14,165
STAY!

238
00:12:14,167 --> 00:12:18,102
BUT I WANT YOU TO HAVE
YOUR OWN SPACE.  GO.

239
00:12:18,104 --> 00:12:20,338
BUT I CAN'T ALLOW
THIS BREACH OF PROTOCOL.

240
00:12:20,340 --> 00:12:22,507
I ORDER YOU TO STAY!

241
00:12:22,509 --> 00:12:24,842
LEAVE THE NEST.
FLY.

242
00:12:24,844 --> 00:12:27,545
I NEED YOUR HEAD.
YOU COME BACK HERE!

243
00:12:27,547 --> 00:12:30,548
I'M SORRY.  GO.
NO, STAY!

244
00:12:30,550 --> 00:12:32,783
NO, GO!
STAY!  GO!

245
00:12:32,785 --> 00:12:34,618
STOP!

246
00:12:34,620 --> 00:12:38,489
YOU'RE TEARING ME APART!

247
00:12:45,498 --> 00:12:47,465
Man:
<i> ♪ B-B-B-BAD ♪</i>

248
00:12:48,535 --> 00:12:50,535
<i> ♪ Bad to the bone ♪</i>

249
00:12:50,537 --> 00:12:52,537
- GIVE ME A BEER.
- WHAT KIND?

250
00:12:52,539 --> 00:12:54,472
THE KIND YOU DRINK.

251
00:13:14,094 --> 00:13:16,927
HI, I'M MARGUERITTE.
WHO ARE YOU?

252
00:13:18,064 --> 00:13:20,198
I DON'T KNOW
WHO I AM.

253
00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:22,200
ALL I KNOW IS

254
00:13:22,202 --> 00:13:24,235
I GOT SOMETHING
INSIDE MY HEAD,

255
00:13:24,237 --> 00:13:26,804
SOMETHING THAT COULD
GO OFF AT ANY MINUTE,

256
00:13:26,806 --> 00:13:29,440
SOME SORT OF
ANSWERING MACHINE

257
00:13:29,442 --> 00:13:31,442
WITH SOME
COSMIC MESSAGE

258
00:13:31,444 --> 00:13:33,811
SENT FROM SOMEWHERE
OUT THERE

259
00:13:33,813 --> 00:13:35,946
IN THE UNIVERSE.

260
00:13:35,948 --> 00:13:37,848
I'M AN AQUARIUS.

261
00:13:39,885 --> 00:13:42,286
HEY, WHO ARE YOU
TALKING TO?

262
00:13:42,288 --> 00:13:45,123
- I DON'T KNOW, SOME GUY.
- WAS HE HITTING ON YOU?

263
00:13:45,125 --> 00:13:47,125
WHY?  YOU JEALOUS?

264
00:13:47,127 --> 00:13:49,160
HEY, YOU TALKIN'
TO MY GIRL?

265
00:13:49,162 --> 00:13:51,895
YOU DON'T LOOK OLD ENOUGH
TO BE HER FATHER.

266
00:13:51,897 --> 00:13:54,031
WHAT ARE YOU,

267
00:13:54,033 --> 00:13:56,134
A COMEDIAN?

268
00:13:56,136 --> 00:13:59,703
NO, THAT WOULD BE
BUDDY HACKETT.

269
00:13:59,705 --> 00:14:02,140
- YOU GOT WHEELS?
- ON MY CAR.

270
00:14:02,142 --> 00:14:04,375
( scoffs )
OKAY, YOU AND ME, PAL.

271
00:14:04,377 --> 00:14:06,844
DEAD MAN'S CURVE.
WE'RE GONNA PLAY
A GAME OF CHICKEN.

272
00:14:06,846 --> 00:14:10,047
I'LL STOP
AT THE COLONEL'S!

273
00:14:14,020 --> 00:14:17,788
I WONDER HOW HE'S
DOING OUT THERE
ALL BY HIMSELF.

274
00:14:17,790 --> 00:14:20,491
YOU KNOW, IF YOU'RE
A BAD FATHER, THEY LEAVE.

275
00:14:20,493 --> 00:14:22,993
IF YOU'RE A GOOD
FATHER, THEY LEAVE.

276
00:14:22,995 --> 00:14:25,596
A PARENT'S LOVE
IS LIKE A RIVER.

277
00:14:25,598 --> 00:14:27,831
NO MATTER HOW DEEP
OR STRONG ITS CURRENT,

278
00:14:27,833 --> 00:14:31,402
IT'S ALWAYS FLOWING
TOWARDS A SEA OF SEPARATION.

279
00:14:31,404 --> 00:14:34,738
LIGHTEN UP, DICK.
YOU'RE GOING TO GIVE
YOURSELF A HALLMARK HERNIA.

280
00:14:34,740 --> 00:14:36,607
<i> ( phone ringing )</i>

281
00:14:37,910 --> 00:14:40,244
HELLO.  YES?

282
00:14:40,246 --> 00:14:43,281
THE POLICE?
YOU'VE GOT HARRY?

283
00:14:43,283 --> 00:14:46,651
HE CRASHED THE CAR...
AT DEAD MAN'S CURVE?

284
00:14:46,653 --> 00:14:48,986
WE'LL BE RIGHT OVER.
TOMMY, SOMETHING
TERRIBLE HAS HAPPENED.

285
00:14:48,988 --> 00:14:51,722
HARRY CRASHED THE CAR
AT DEAD MAN'S CURVE.

286
00:14:51,724 --> 00:14:54,758
WHY IS THE FATHER
ALWAYS THE LAST TO KNOW?

287
00:14:57,763 --> 00:14:59,763
OKAY, SO WE'VE
LEFT THE DANCE,

288
00:14:59,765 --> 00:15:02,132
- AND WE'RE PARKED
IN YOUR SON'S CAR...
- SALLY--

289
00:15:02,134 --> 00:15:04,835
AND HE CAN'T SEEM
TO UNDO THE TOP HOOK.

290
00:15:04,837 --> 00:15:07,271
<i> SALLY, PLEASE DON'T.</i>

291
00:15:07,273 --> 00:15:09,373
OH, COME ON,
IT'S A CUTE STORY.

292
00:15:09,375 --> 00:15:12,543
- LET HER TALK.
- I ORDERED THE SALMON.
WHAT DID YOU ORDER?

293
00:15:12,545 --> 00:15:16,180
- MY, THAT'S AN INTERESTING
DRESS YOU'RE WEARING.
- YOU LIKE MY DRESS?

294
00:15:16,182 --> 00:15:18,782
GOOD, 'CAUSE
I DIDN'T KNOW IF
YOU'D BE IMPRESSED

295
00:15:18,784 --> 00:15:21,719
BY HOW CONFIDENT I AM
TO WEAR A DRESS LIKE THIS.

296
00:15:21,721 --> 00:15:25,055
OR MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE
GONE WITH SOMETHING
A LITTLE MORE CONSERVATIVE,

297
00:15:25,057 --> 00:15:27,124
AS IF TO SAY
"WHAT'S UNDERNEATH HERE

298
00:15:27,126 --> 00:15:29,227
IS NOT FOR ANYBODY
BUT YOUR SON."

299
00:15:31,397 --> 00:15:34,765
WELL, I THINK
THAT DRESS SAYS IT'S
NOT JUST FOR MY SON,

300
00:15:34,767 --> 00:15:37,368
- IT'S FOR
THE WHOLE ROOM.
- ( laughs )

301
00:15:37,370 --> 00:15:40,438
GOOD.  THAT'S A RELIEF.

302
00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:43,807
IF YOU WANT TO CONTROL
MY LIFE, YOU COULD BE
MORE SUBTLE ABOUT IT.

303
00:15:43,809 --> 00:15:46,244
I DON'T WANT
TO INTRUDE,

304
00:15:46,246 --> 00:15:48,246
SO IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,

305
00:15:48,248 --> 00:15:50,281
I'M GOING
TO THE LADIES' ROOM.

306
00:15:53,085 --> 00:15:55,819
I THINK SHE'S
UPSET WITH YOU.
I'M GOING TO TALK TO HER.

307
00:15:55,821 --> 00:15:59,156
- I DON'T THINK IT'S--
- SHH!  I'M DOING IT
FOR YOU.

308
00:16:05,231 --> 00:16:07,465
FRANCES, ARE YOU
ALL RIGHT?

309
00:16:07,467 --> 00:16:10,868
ME?  I'M FINE, HONEY.
IT'S YOU I'M
WORRIED ABOUT.

310
00:16:10,870 --> 00:16:12,536
ME?

311
00:16:12,538 --> 00:16:14,572
WELL,

312
00:16:14,574 --> 00:16:17,341
I'M AFRAID YOU'RE JUST
NOT MY SON'S TYPE.

313
00:16:17,343 --> 00:16:20,378
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
- NOW, DON'T GET
ME WRONG.

314
00:16:20,380 --> 00:16:24,181
YOU'RE REALLY NOT HALF
AS CHEAP AS YOU LOOK.

315
00:16:24,183 --> 00:16:27,351
I GET IT.
YOU'RE INSULTING ME,
AREN'T YOU?

316
00:16:28,854 --> 00:16:31,121
I HAVE MADE SUCH
A HUGE MISTAKE.

317
00:16:31,123 --> 00:16:33,824
I THOUGHT YOU WERE NICE,
BUT YOU'RE NOT NICE.

318
00:16:33,826 --> 00:16:35,493
YOU HATE ME.

319
00:16:35,495 --> 00:16:38,829
I AM SO GLAD WE FINALLY
UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER.

320
00:16:38,831 --> 00:16:42,065
ME, TOO, FRANCES, 'CAUSE
AS LONG AS I'M GOING
TO DATE YOUR SON,

321
00:16:42,067 --> 00:16:44,067
I DON'T WANT
ANY PROBLEMS.

322
00:16:44,069 --> 00:16:46,604
OVER MY DEAD BODY.

323
00:16:47,707 --> 00:16:49,640
DOABLE.

324
00:16:52,011 --> 00:16:54,412
IF YOU'RE GOING
TO THROW A PUNCH,

325
00:16:54,414 --> 00:16:57,615
TRY PUTTING YOUR WEIGHT
INTO IT, LIKE THIS.

326
00:16:59,285 --> 00:17:01,885
<i> ( Sally screams )</i>
<i> OW!</i>

327
00:17:01,887 --> 00:17:04,388
- WILL THE LADIES BE RETURNING?
-<i> ( glass shattering )</i>

328
00:17:04,390 --> 00:17:08,559
- ONE OF THEM WILL.
-<i> HAI-YAH!</i>

329
00:17:08,561 --> 00:17:10,494
<i> OW, OW, OW, OW!</i>

330
00:17:12,898 --> 00:17:16,200
I'M DR. SOLOMON.
WHERE'S MY SON,
MY SON HARRY?

331
00:17:16,202 --> 00:17:18,302
THE GOOD NEWS IS
HE'S ALIVE.

332
00:17:18,304 --> 00:17:20,571
OH, THANK GOD!
( sobs )

333
00:17:20,573 --> 00:17:23,741
BUT I HAVE TO WARN YOU,
HE DON'T LOOK SO GOOD.

334
00:17:23,743 --> 00:17:25,843
( gasps )

335
00:17:27,079 --> 00:17:29,347
THAT'S WHAT HE
ALWAYS LOOKS LIKE.

336
00:17:31,684 --> 00:17:34,051
- HARRY!
- OH, DICK.

337
00:17:34,053 --> 00:17:36,119
HARRY, I'VE FAILED YOU.

338
00:17:36,121 --> 00:17:38,522
IF I'D BEEN THERE FOR YOU
WHEN YOU NEEDED ME,

339
00:17:38,524 --> 00:17:41,859
THEN YOU WOULDN'T HAVE
RUN OUT OF THE HOUSE.
YOU COULD HAVE DIED.

340
00:17:41,861 --> 00:17:44,562
DICK, I ALMOST
DID DIE.

341
00:17:44,564 --> 00:17:46,564
WHAT HAPPENED?

342
00:17:46,566 --> 00:17:49,800
- IT WAS THE MOST
AMAZING JOURNEY.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

343
00:17:49,802 --> 00:17:53,270
- I WAS LEAVING THE COLONEL
AFTER PICKING UP CHICKEN--
- WAIT.  WHY A CHICKEN?

344
00:17:53,272 --> 00:17:56,574
LONG STORY SHORT,
I HAVE NO IDEA.

345
00:17:56,576 --> 00:17:59,276
SO, I WAS ON MY WAY
TO THE BIG RACE,

346
00:17:59,278 --> 00:18:01,779
AND A PAPER BAG
BLEW ACROSS THE ROAD.

347
00:18:01,781 --> 00:18:04,482
I WAS AFRAID IT WAS
FULL OF BUNNIES,
SO I SWERVED.

348
00:18:07,620 --> 00:18:10,755
AND RIGHT AS THE CAR WAS
FLYING INTO THE DITCH,

349
00:18:10,757 --> 00:18:14,592
MY WHOLE LIFE FLASHED
BEFORE MY EYES.

350
00:18:16,796 --> 00:18:20,297
HARRY, I DON'T MEAN
TO BE INSENSITIVE,
BUT WHAT'S YOUR POINT?

351
00:18:20,299 --> 00:18:23,401
WELL, ALL I
COULD THINK WAS,

352
00:18:23,403 --> 00:18:26,069
"I HAVE A RAGE
TO LIVE."

353
00:18:26,071 --> 00:18:28,472
AND THEN THE CAR
LANDED, AND I SAID,

354
00:18:28,474 --> 00:18:30,808
"HEY, WORLD,
I'M ALIVE!

355
00:18:30,810 --> 00:18:33,076
AND THESE PANTS
ARE WASHABLE."

356
00:18:37,249 --> 00:18:40,083
- THAT'S A BEAUTIFUL STORY.
- THANK YOU.

357
00:18:40,085 --> 00:18:42,586
OH, DICK,
IT DOESN'T MATTER

358
00:18:42,588 --> 00:18:45,423
THAT I'M AN UNDERLING
WITH A THING IN MY HEAD.

359
00:18:45,425 --> 00:18:48,091
WHAT MATTERS MOST
IS LIFE ITSELF.

360
00:18:48,093 --> 00:18:50,093
AND THE GREATEST
THING ABOUT LIFE

361
00:18:50,095 --> 00:18:52,262
IS NOT HAVING
A PURPOSE.

362
00:18:52,264 --> 00:18:54,532
IT'S FINDING...
A PURPOSE.

363
00:18:54,534 --> 00:18:56,667
WHY, HARRY,

364
00:18:56,669 --> 00:18:59,570
YOU SOUND
EXACTLY LIKE ME.

365
00:18:59,572 --> 00:19:03,140
LIKE FAKE FATHER,
LIKE FAKE SON.

366
00:19:03,142 --> 00:19:05,776
DICK, COULD WE JUST
DROP THE FATHER THING

367
00:19:05,778 --> 00:19:08,879
AND GO BACK TO BEING
FAKE BROTHERS?

368
00:19:08,881 --> 00:19:12,716
- YOU DON'T WANT ME
TO BE YOUR DAD ANYMORE?
- NO.

369
00:19:12,718 --> 00:19:14,752
GOOD,

370
00:19:14,754 --> 00:19:17,888
BECAUSE I WAS THIS CLOSE
TO DROP-KICKING
YOUR SORRY BUTT

371
00:19:17,890 --> 00:19:20,090
FROM HERE
TO THE OUTLET MALL!

372
00:19:23,295 --> 00:19:27,130
Woman on radio:
<i> ♪ Mama, he's crazy ♪</i>

373
00:19:27,132 --> 00:19:29,132
<i> ♪ Crazy over me... ♪</i>

374
00:19:29,134 --> 00:19:31,802
I'M SORRY YOU HAD
TO PAY THE DAMAGES
AT THE RESTAURANT.

375
00:19:31,804 --> 00:19:33,838
NO, IT WAS WORTH
THE $1,700.

376
00:19:35,341 --> 00:19:37,641
WAIT TILL MY BROTHER'S
WIFE HEARS ABOUT THIS.

377
00:19:37,643 --> 00:19:39,777
ONCE AT CHRISTMAS,
SHE TOOK A CLUMSY SWING,

378
00:19:39,779 --> 00:19:43,046
BUT MOM GOT HER
IN A HEADLOCK
AND SHE BLACKED OUT.

379
00:19:43,048 --> 00:19:46,083
- YOU WERE GREAT.
- I REALLY LIKED HER.

380
00:19:46,085 --> 00:19:49,720
- I DON'T THINK SHE LIKED YOU.
- I DIDN'T LIKE HER, EITHER.

381
00:19:49,722 --> 00:19:51,822
I REALLY LIKE
YOU, THOUGH.

382
00:19:51,824 --> 00:19:53,791
SAME HERE.

383
00:19:55,828 --> 00:19:57,828
OW!

384
00:19:57,830 --> 00:20:00,197
YOUR MOTHER WEARS
A LOT OF RINGS.

385
00:20:01,834 --> 00:20:03,667
NO...

386
00:20:03,669 --> 00:20:06,236
PAIN CAN BE GOOD.

387
00:20:06,238 --> 00:20:10,273
<i> ♪ He's crazy over me. ♪</i>

388
00:20:11,744 --> 00:20:15,045
( sighs )
YOU KNOW, SOMEDAY I'D
LIKE TO BE A REAL FATHER

389
00:20:15,047 --> 00:20:16,780
WITH A REAL SON--

390
00:20:16,782 --> 00:20:19,683
A LITTLE GUY WHO'D BE
SWEET AND CUDDLY,

391
00:20:19,685 --> 00:20:21,719
PINK AND PUFFY,

392
00:20:21,721 --> 00:20:24,421
JUST LIKE HIS OLD MAN.

393
00:20:24,423 --> 00:20:27,658
YOU DO REALIZE THAT
YOUR SON COULD WIND UP
BEING A DAUGHTER?

394
00:20:27,660 --> 00:20:30,594
OH, NO, NO,
NOT MY SON.

395
00:20:32,097 --> 00:20:35,332
I BET MR. RANDELL
WOULD MAKE A GREAT FATHER.

396
00:20:35,334 --> 00:20:37,668
I CAN SEE HIM NOW,
SITTING WITH HIS KIDS,

397
00:20:37,670 --> 00:20:39,670
HELPING THEM
WITH THEIR HOMEWORK,

398
00:20:39,672 --> 00:20:43,007
TELLING THEM
WHAT A COW PIE
THEIR GRANDMOTHER IS.

399
00:20:43,009 --> 00:20:45,009
YEAH, ALL
THIS ROMANCE TALK

400
00:20:45,011 --> 00:20:47,077
MAKES ME WANT TO
CALL MY GIRLFRIEND.

401
00:20:47,079 --> 00:20:49,780
HEY, HARRY, CAN YOU
GIVE ME A DIAL TONE?

402
00:20:53,986 --> 00:20:55,986
WELL, AREN'T WE WITTY.

403
00:20:55,988 --> 00:20:59,256
LET ME ASK YOU THIS.
HAS THE BIG GIANT HEAD
EVER CALLED US?

404
00:20:59,258 --> 00:21:02,259
- NOT YET.
- HOW WILL WE KNOW
WHEN HE DOES?

405
00:21:02,261 --> 00:21:04,261
HARRY WILL
SUDDENLY GO BLANK

406
00:21:04,263 --> 00:21:06,229
AND STARE OFF
INTO SPACE.

407
00:21:08,901 --> 00:21:11,769
LIKE I SAID,
HOW WILL WE KNOW
WHEN HE DOES?

408
00:21:13,172 --> 00:21:17,107
<i> ♪ 6-3-4-5-7-8-9 ♪</i>

409
00:21:17,109 --> 00:21:20,578
-<i> ♪ WHAT'S MY NUMBER? ♪</i>
-<i> ♪ 6-3-4-5... ♪</i>

410
00:21:20,580 --> 00:21:23,180
<i> ( '50s rock music playing )</i>