1
00:00:04,004 --> 00:00:06,271
BYE, DICK!
I'LL SEE YOU
AT THE OFFICE.

2
00:00:06,273 --> 00:00:09,407
MARY, DON'T LEAVE.
I WAS BRINGING YOU
BREAKFAST IN BED.

3
00:00:09,409 --> 00:00:12,010
THAT'S VERY SWEET,
BUT I THINK
I'LL JUST GRAB

4
00:00:12,012 --> 00:00:14,112
SOME COFFEE
AND A MUFFIN.

5
00:00:14,114 --> 00:00:16,148
OH, THAT'S OK.
BELIEVE IT OR NOT,

6
00:00:16,150 --> 00:00:18,550
I JUST THREW
ALL THIS TOGETHER.

7
00:00:18,552 --> 00:00:20,352
I NEVER WOULD'VE
GUESSED.

8
00:00:23,457 --> 00:00:24,389
HEY, DICK.

9
00:00:24,391 --> 00:00:26,458
OH, YOU TWO ARE UP
BRIGHT AND EARLY.

10
00:00:26,460 --> 00:00:27,459
WE JUST GOT BACK.

11
00:00:27,461 --> 00:00:29,494
DON TOOK ME ON
AN ALL-NIGHT
STAKEOUT.

12
00:00:29,496 --> 00:00:30,762
YOU MUST BE
EXHAUSTED.

13
00:00:30,764 --> 00:00:32,898
NO. WE FELL ASLEEP
AROUND 11:00.

14
00:00:32,900 --> 00:00:35,367
YEAH.

15
00:00:35,369 --> 00:00:37,703
I'M REASONABLY SURE
NOTHING WENT DOWN,
THOUGH.

16
00:00:37,705 --> 00:00:38,937
I'M A PRETTY LIGHT
SLEEPER.

17
00:00:38,939 --> 00:00:41,873
I JUST LOVE
SPENDING THE NIGHT
IN YOUR ARMS.

18
00:00:41,875 --> 00:00:43,208
OH, ME, TOO.

19
00:00:48,916 --> 00:00:50,916
HEY, I GOTTA GO
HIT THE CAN.

20
00:00:52,820 --> 00:00:55,454
TOMMY, AM I A VIRGO
OR A CAPRICORN?

21
00:00:55,456 --> 00:00:57,088
I DON'T KNOW.
WHAT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY?

22
00:00:57,090 --> 00:00:58,289
DOES IT MATTER?

23
00:00:58,291 --> 00:01:00,792
BECAUSE THIS HOROSCOPE
RIGHT<i> HEEERRRRE--</i>

24
00:01:00,794 --> 00:01:03,395
INCOMING MESSAGE FROM
THE BIG GIANT HEAD!

25
00:01:03,397 --> 00:01:04,896
HEY, DICK,
GET IN HERE!

26
00:01:04,898 --> 00:01:06,832
TO ENSURE BETTER
CUSTOMER SERVICE,

27
00:01:06,834 --> 00:01:08,766
THIS TRANSMISSION
MAY BE MONITORED.

28
00:01:08,768 --> 00:01:11,170
WHAT IS IT?
THE BIG GIANT HEAD

29
00:01:11,172 --> 00:01:14,606
HAS RECEIVED
YOUR LIEUTENANT'S REQUEST
FOR GENDER REASSIGNMENT.

30
00:01:14,608 --> 00:01:17,308
SALLY SENT              WHAT?
THAT THING OFF,
LIKE, 3 YEARS AGO.

31
00:01:17,310 --> 00:01:20,679
THE BIG GIANT HEAD
HEREBY APPROVES
YOUR REQUEST.

32
00:01:20,681 --> 00:01:23,114
FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE,
YOUR LIEUTENANT'S BODY

33
00:01:23,116 --> 00:01:26,017
WILL BE SWITCHED
WITH THAT OF YOUR
HIGH COMMANDER.

34
00:01:26,019 --> 00:01:27,786
LIEUTENANT,
YOU GET IN HERE!

35
00:01:27,788 --> 00:01:31,056
PREPARE TO EXCHANGE FORMS
IN 3, 2, 1...

36
00:01:31,058 --> 00:01:32,691
ACHOO!
ACHOO!
ACHOO!

37
00:01:35,862 --> 00:01:38,163
OH, NO...

38
00:01:38,165 --> 00:01:39,831
WHERE ARE MY BOOBS?

39
00:01:41,602 --> 00:01:44,068
I'VE GOT THEM!

40
00:01:44,070 --> 00:01:45,203
YOU'RE ME!
YOU'RE ME!

41
00:01:45,205 --> 00:01:46,138
DICK?
WHAT?

42
00:01:46,140 --> 00:01:48,273
AAH!
OH, GREAT.
WHAT HAPPENED?

43
00:01:48,275 --> 00:01:50,208
THE BIG GIANT HEAD
JUST SWITCHED
THEIR BODIES.

44
00:01:50,210 --> 00:01:52,377
WOW.

45
00:01:52,379 --> 00:01:54,379
OH, MY GOD!

46
00:01:56,083 --> 00:01:59,017
I'M<i> GORGEOUS!</i>

47
00:01:59,019 --> 00:02:02,220
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
CARSEY-WERNER PRODUCTIONS AND
THE NATIONAL BROADCASTING
COMPANY

48
00:02:21,508 --> 00:02:25,343
CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY
THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING
INSTITUTE, INC.

49
00:02:29,449 --> 00:02:34,585
PUBLIC PERFORMANCE OF CAPTIONS
PROHIBITED WITHOUT PERMISSION OF
NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE

50
00:02:36,055 --> 00:02:38,757
YOUR REQUEST TO RETURN
TO YOUR ORIGINAL EARTH BODIES

51
00:02:38,759 --> 00:02:41,993
WILL BE ANSWERED IN
THE ORDER IN WHICH
IT WAS RECEIVED.

52
00:02:41,995 --> 00:02:45,931
TRANSMISSION ENDING
IN 3, 2, 1...

53
00:02:45,933 --> 00:02:47,699
ACHOO!

54
00:02:47,701 --> 00:02:49,101
WHAT'S THE WORD?

55
00:02:49,103 --> 00:02:50,635
HE PUT US ON
THE WAITING LIST.

56
00:02:50,637 --> 00:02:51,970
DAMN!

57
00:02:51,972 --> 00:02:55,574
MAN, IT TOOK HIM
3 YEARS TO ANSWER
THE FIRST ONE.

58
00:02:55,576 --> 00:02:58,009
THIS IS HORRIBLE,
JUST HORRIBLE!

59
00:02:58,011 --> 00:02:59,410
WHY, IN HEAVEN'S NAME,

60
00:02:59,412 --> 00:03:01,680
WOULD YOU PUT IN
A REQUEST TO
SWITCH BODIES?

61
00:03:01,682 --> 00:03:03,415
LIEUTENANT, WHAT
WERE YOU THINKING?

62
00:03:03,417 --> 00:03:06,385
WHEN WE FIRST GOT HERE,
I DIDN'T WANT TO BE
THE WOMAN,

63
00:03:06,387 --> 00:03:08,053
BUT THAT WAS
A LONG TIME AGO

64
00:03:08,055 --> 00:03:10,489
BEFORE I REALIZED
HOW MUCH I LIKE MEN.

65
00:03:10,491 --> 00:03:12,824
WELL, I CANNOT BE STUCK
IN A WOMAN'S BODY.

66
00:03:12,826 --> 00:03:14,793
DAMMIT! I'M
THE HIGH COMMANDER!

67
00:03:14,795 --> 00:03:18,029
[CRYING] WHAT ARE WE
GONNA DO, DICK?

68
00:03:18,031 --> 00:03:20,566
PULL YOURSELF
TOGETHER, MAN!

69
00:03:20,568 --> 00:03:22,301
I'LL TELL YOU
WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO.

70
00:03:22,303 --> 00:03:23,968
WE'RE GONNA LIVE
EACH OTHER'S LIVES

71
00:03:23,970 --> 00:03:25,204
AS NORMALLY
AS POSSIBLE

72
00:03:25,206 --> 00:03:27,772
UNTIL
THE BIG GIANT HEAD
GETS BACK TO US.

73
00:03:27,774 --> 00:03:29,107
OH, GREAT!

74
00:03:29,109 --> 00:03:31,710
OHH!

75
00:03:34,280 --> 00:03:36,781
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED
TO DO WITH YOUR...

76
00:03:36,783 --> 00:03:38,617
YOU KNOW, GOODS?

77
00:03:38,619 --> 00:03:40,618
JUST PICK A SIDE
AND COMMIT.

78
00:03:40,620 --> 00:03:42,954
YUP. TILL YOU LEARN
THE INS AND OUTS,

79
00:03:42,956 --> 00:03:45,289
YOU MIGHT WANNA CONSIDER
WEARING A CUP.

80
00:03:45,291 --> 00:03:46,658
THIS IS SO WEIRD.

81
00:03:46,660 --> 00:03:47,993
OH,
STOP COMPLAINING.

82
00:03:47,995 --> 00:03:49,527
LOOK AT THESE
WILLOWY LIMBS.

83
00:03:49,529 --> 00:03:51,229
I DON'T KNOW WHAT
TO DO WITH THEM.

84
00:03:51,231 --> 00:03:52,897
MY CENTER
OF GRAVITY'S
SO LOW,

85
00:03:52,899 --> 00:03:54,699
AND WOULD YOU LOOK
AT THESE BREASTS!

86
00:03:54,701 --> 00:03:56,934
HEY, DICK,
CAN WE TOUCH 'EM?

87
00:03:56,936 --> 00:03:59,104
BE MY GUEST.
THEY'RE NOT MINE.

88
00:03:59,106 --> 00:04:00,672
HEY!

89
00:04:04,111 --> 00:04:07,778
SO HELP ME GOD,
IF YOU TOUCH THOSE,
YOU WILL DIE.

90
00:04:12,853 --> 00:04:15,420
[STUDENTS CHATTERING]

91
00:04:15,422 --> 00:04:17,255
ALL RIGHT,
SETTLE DOWN, SETTLE DOWN.

92
00:04:17,257 --> 00:04:19,291
[CHATTER CONTINUES]

93
00:04:19,293 --> 00:04:21,092
ALL RIGHT,
EVERYBODY SHUT UP

94
00:04:21,094 --> 00:04:23,528
BEFORE I THROW YOU OUT
THE FREAKIN' WINDOW!

95
00:04:27,034 --> 00:04:28,867
SO, WHAT ARE
WE DOING HERE?

96
00:04:28,869 --> 00:04:30,869
SURFACE TENSION
AND LIQUIDITY.

97
00:04:30,871 --> 00:04:32,237
I HAVE A QUESTION
FOR YOU--

98
00:04:32,239 --> 00:04:34,172
WHERE'D YOU GET
THOSE SHOES?

99
00:04:34,174 --> 00:04:36,541
UH...PIC-AND-PAY.

100
00:04:36,543 --> 00:04:39,378
OH, I LOVE THAT PLACE.
IT'S SO COOL!

101
00:04:39,380 --> 00:04:42,180
HAS ANYBODY ELSE HERE
BEEN TO PIC-AND-PAY?
IT'S SO AWESOME.

102
00:04:42,182 --> 00:04:44,650
YEAH. I GOT
SOME WOOL PANTS
THERE, HALF OFF.

103
00:04:44,652 --> 00:04:47,352
YOU DID?
YEAH, BUT THEY
WEREN'T MY SIZE,

104
00:04:47,354 --> 00:04:50,389
AND THEY DIDN'T
HAVE A LINING, AND I'M
WEARING THEM RIGHT NOW.

105
00:04:50,391 --> 00:04:53,124
SEE WHAT I MEAN?

106
00:04:53,126 --> 00:04:56,193
OK...SO, UH...
WE GOT, UH...

107
00:04:56,195 --> 00:04:59,431
VALUE...AND...
SELECTION.

108
00:05:02,402 --> 00:05:05,304
THIS IS WHAT WE'RE
LOOKING FOR HERE.

109
00:05:08,475 --> 00:05:11,576
WELL, I'M OFF
TO CABO SAN LUCAS.

110
00:05:11,578 --> 00:05:13,345
YOU HAVE FUN, DOUG,

111
00:05:13,347 --> 00:05:14,879
AND DON'T YOU WORRY
ABOUT NOTHIN'

112
00:05:14,881 --> 00:05:17,616
BUT THE SEÑORITAS
AND THE MARGARITAS, OK?

113
00:05:17,618 --> 00:05:20,017
BECAUSE HARRY'S
HOLDING DOWN THE FORT.

114
00:05:20,019 --> 00:05:21,887
WHAT THE HELL.

115
00:05:24,191 --> 00:05:25,757
YOU'RE IN CHARGE
OF THE BAR.
YUP.

116
00:05:25,759 --> 00:05:28,693
YOU GOT A LOT
OF RESPONSIBILITY.
THAT'S RIGHT.

117
00:05:28,695 --> 00:05:32,397
DOUG'S NOT
TOO BRIGHT, IS HE?
NOT PARTICULARLY, NO.

118
00:05:35,935 --> 00:05:39,804
MAN, THOSE GUYS
LOOK LIKE BADASSES.

119
00:05:39,806 --> 00:05:40,739
YOU THINK?

120
00:05:40,741 --> 00:05:42,473
YEAH. LOOK
AT 'EM, MAN.

121
00:05:42,475 --> 00:05:45,009
THEY ARE CLEARLY
<i> BAD ASSES.</i>

122
00:05:45,011 --> 00:05:47,512
WELL, JUST ONE WAY
TO FIND OUT.

123
00:05:50,117 --> 00:05:54,852
EXCUSE ME, ARE YOU
AND YOUR FRIENDS
HERE BADASSES?

124
00:05:54,854 --> 00:05:57,756
HEH HEH HEH...
WE'LL HAVE 3 BEERS.

125
00:05:57,758 --> 00:05:58,823
HA HA HA!

126
00:05:58,825 --> 00:06:02,860
OH, MAN,
THEY'RE BADASSES.

127
00:06:03,863 --> 00:06:05,697
[CAR HORN HONKING]

128
00:06:06,700 --> 00:06:07,866
[HONK HONK]

129
00:06:07,868 --> 00:06:12,037
OH, YES, THE HONKING
DRIVES ME MAD
WITH DESIRE!

130
00:06:14,241 --> 00:06:17,141
AH, YOU'VE NOTICED
I HAVE BREASTS.
GOOD FOR YOU.

131
00:06:20,948 --> 00:06:23,214
DON LEFT THIS
IN OUR BATHROOM.

132
00:06:23,216 --> 00:06:25,450
HEY, SALLY,
YOU LOOK NICE.

133
00:06:25,452 --> 00:06:28,520
WHY, THANK YOU.
YOU'VE GOT ME
ALL HOT NOW.

134
00:06:28,522 --> 00:06:30,521
I'D JUMP RIGHT INTO BED
WITH YOU,

135
00:06:30,523 --> 00:06:33,758
BUT YOU'LL
HAVE TO GET IN LINE BEHIND
2 CONSTRUCTION WORKERS,

136
00:06:33,760 --> 00:06:36,494
A MAILMAN,
AND A 12-YEAR-OLD BOY.

137
00:06:36,496 --> 00:06:37,762
SORRY.

138
00:06:37,764 --> 00:06:40,298
SALLY, HE WAS
JUST PAYING YOU AN
INNOCENT COMPLIMENT.

139
00:06:40,300 --> 00:06:42,800
I'M QUITE AWARE
OF HOW SEXUALLY
ATTRACTIVE I AM.

140
00:06:42,802 --> 00:06:44,569
I GET IT.
NOW LET'S MOVE ON.

141
00:06:44,571 --> 00:06:46,104
SALLY, PLEASE,
CALM DOWN.

142
00:06:46,106 --> 00:06:50,575
WHAT IS THAT,
SOME SORT OF
MENSTRUATION CRACK?

143
00:06:50,577 --> 00:06:54,045
WELL, I'VE GOT
A NEWS FLASH FOR
YOU, DON ORVILLE,

144
00:06:54,047 --> 00:06:56,381
AND FOR ALL THE MEN
OF RUTHERFORD.

145
00:06:56,383 --> 00:07:01,052
BENEATH THIS PRETTY PACKAGE
IS A MIND!

146
00:07:01,054 --> 00:07:04,522
DO YOU HEAR ME?
A MIND!

147
00:07:10,530 --> 00:07:11,696
OH, HEY, NINA.

148
00:07:12,632 --> 00:07:15,199
YOU WENT TO
PIC-AND-PAY?

149
00:07:15,201 --> 00:07:17,568
YEAH.

150
00:07:17,570 --> 00:07:20,738
I COULDN'T FIND
ANYTHING EXCEPT
THESE STUPID WINGTIPS.

151
00:07:20,740 --> 00:07:22,774
THEY'RE NOT EVEN
PATENT LEATHER.

152
00:07:22,776 --> 00:07:25,676
MEN'S SHOES SUCK!

153
00:07:25,678 --> 00:07:27,812
WELL, THAT'S TOO BAD.

154
00:07:27,814 --> 00:07:30,715
MY FEET ARE HUGE.
I'M DISGUSTING.

155
00:07:31,952 --> 00:07:33,018
OK.

156
00:07:35,555 --> 00:07:37,555
THERE YOU ARE.
WHERE WERE YOU?

157
00:07:37,557 --> 00:07:38,890
OH, HEY, ALBRIGHT.

158
00:07:38,892 --> 00:07:41,058
YOU WERE SUPPOSED
TO MEET ME FOR LUNCH!

159
00:07:41,060 --> 00:07:44,963
I'M HAVING A BAD DAY.
YOU WANNA LAY OFF?!

160
00:07:44,965 --> 00:07:48,900
I WAS WAITING
AT THE BAGUETTE
FOR OVER AN HOUR.

161
00:07:48,902 --> 00:07:51,436
YEAH? WELL,
I WAS TEACHING
THAT HORRIBLE CLASS,

162
00:07:51,438 --> 00:07:54,439
AND I COULDN'T TAKE IT,
SO I WENT TO GET SOME SHOES,

163
00:07:54,441 --> 00:07:56,374
AND I COULDN'T FIND
ANYTHING I LIKED,

164
00:07:56,376 --> 00:08:01,245
[CRYING] AND THEN I
CAME BACK HERE, AND YOU
STARTED YELLING AT ME!

165
00:08:01,247 --> 00:08:04,215
I'M SORRY, DICK,
BUT I WAS WAITING
AN HOUR.

166
00:08:04,217 --> 00:08:05,816
I CAN'T BREATHE.

167
00:08:08,021 --> 00:08:09,520
ARE YOU OK?

168
00:08:09,522 --> 00:08:12,056
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
WHAT I'M GOING THROUGH.

169
00:08:12,058 --> 00:08:15,426
I MEAN,
JUST LOOK AT THESE!

170
00:08:15,428 --> 00:08:16,894
I'M HERE TO HELP.

171
00:08:16,896 --> 00:08:19,163
YOU CAN'T HELP.
NOBODY CAN HELP.

172
00:08:19,165 --> 00:08:21,499
I FEEL SO TRAPPED.

173
00:08:26,172 --> 00:08:30,107
[<i> LET'S HEAR IT FOR THE BOY</i>
<i> PLAYING]</i>

174
00:08:37,817 --> 00:08:40,418
WHOO, SALLY...
LOOKIN' HOT, MAN!

175
00:08:40,420 --> 00:08:43,955
YEAH! WALK
<i> THAT</i> AROUND!

176
00:08:43,957 --> 00:08:46,524
LAY OFF, BUTTHEADS!
I'M HAVING A CRAPPY DAY.

177
00:08:46,526 --> 00:08:50,128
I CAN TAKE THE UGLY SHOES,
I CAN TAKE THE STUPID JOB,

178
00:08:50,130 --> 00:08:53,631
BUT I'LL BE DAMNED IF
I'M GONNA WALK AROUND
WITH LOVE HANDLES!

179
00:08:53,633 --> 00:08:55,499
ARE YOU WEARING
LIP GLOSS?

180
00:08:55,501 --> 00:08:58,269
IT'S NOT A GLOSS.
IT'S A SHINY BALM.

181
00:08:59,973 --> 00:09:02,439
DICK IS REALLY NEGLECTING
HIS LIPS.

182
00:09:07,313 --> 00:09:10,381
HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING
TO MY BODY, YOU MORON?

183
00:09:10,383 --> 00:09:13,151
YOU'RE GONNA GET IT
FAT AND STRETCHED OUT!

184
00:09:13,153 --> 00:09:15,453
LIEUTENANT,
I ALWAYS EAT THIS WAY.

185
00:09:15,455 --> 00:09:16,788
WELL, YOU
CAN'T ANYMORE.

186
00:09:16,790 --> 00:09:18,389
YOU'LL NEVER KEEP
A BOYFRIEND.

187
00:09:18,391 --> 00:09:19,958
AHA! SPEAKING
OF BOYFRIENDS--

188
00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:21,960
I'VE DECIDED THAT DON
IS NO GENTLEMAN.

189
00:09:21,962 --> 00:09:23,728
I THINK IT'S TIME
YOU MOVED ON.

190
00:09:23,730 --> 00:09:25,397
YOU BETTER
NOT MESS UP

191
00:09:25,399 --> 00:09:27,164
MY RELATIONSHIP
WITH DON.

192
00:09:27,166 --> 00:09:28,165
OH, PLEASE.

193
00:09:28,167 --> 00:09:30,167
OH, YOU ARE
SUCH A BONEHEAD!

194
00:09:30,169 --> 00:09:34,172
AFTER I TRIED SO HARD
NOT TO BLOW THINGS
WITH ALBRIGHT.

195
00:09:37,477 --> 00:09:41,346
"TRIED"?
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
WHAT HAPPENED?

196
00:09:41,348 --> 00:09:43,481
NOTHING.

197
00:09:43,483 --> 00:09:46,117
TELL ME, DAMMIT!

198
00:09:46,119 --> 00:09:47,852
WELL,
I GOT BUMMED OUT

199
00:09:47,854 --> 00:09:51,856
WHEN I COULDN'T FIND
NICE SHOES FOR YOUR
BIG, FAT FEET!

200
00:09:51,858 --> 00:09:54,992
AND I MAY HAVE
GOTTEN A LITTLE...
WEEPY.

201
00:09:54,994 --> 00:09:56,561
THANK YOU SO MUCH.

202
00:09:56,563 --> 00:10:00,398
NOW SHE THINKS
I'M SOME HYSTERICAL,
SHOE-LOVING WUSSY!

203
00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:03,601
YOU'RE WORRIED
ABOUT GETTING FAT?
JUST WATCH THIS.

204
00:10:03,603 --> 00:10:06,671
GIVE ME THAT SANDWICH,
YOU HORRIBLE MAN!

205
00:10:06,673 --> 00:10:08,940
HEY, HEY, HEY!
LET'S CHILL!

206
00:10:08,942 --> 00:10:10,241
HOW CAN I CHILL?

207
00:10:10,243 --> 00:10:12,343
HE'S SCREWING UP
EVERYTHING WITH DON!

208
00:10:12,345 --> 00:10:14,645
[MUFFLED] SHE'S SCREWING UP
MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MARY!

209
00:10:14,647 --> 00:10:18,382
OH, PEOPLE,
PEOPLE, PEOPLE!

210
00:10:18,384 --> 00:10:22,320
LOOK...YOU GUYS
HAVE GOT TO GET
OVER THIS!

211
00:10:22,322 --> 00:10:23,654
WHEN WE LANDED
ON EARTH,

212
00:10:23,656 --> 00:10:26,157
WE HAD NO ATTACHMENT
TO THESE BODIES,
BUT WE ADAPTED.

213
00:10:26,159 --> 00:10:27,892
WE FIGURED OUT HOW
TO WORK WITH THEM.

214
00:10:27,894 --> 00:10:29,827
YOU DON'T
UNDERSTAND,
TOMMY.

215
00:10:29,829 --> 00:10:31,996
I LIKE BEING
THE WOMAN.

216
00:10:31,998 --> 00:10:34,899
WHO CARES IF YOU
ONLY EARN 60 CENTS
ON THE DOLLAR

217
00:10:34,901 --> 00:10:37,135
IF YOU CAN HAVE
SKIN LIKE THAT?

218
00:10:37,137 --> 00:10:39,237
MARY DOESN'T LIKE
YOUR SKIN.

219
00:10:39,239 --> 00:10:41,572
SHE LIKES MY SKIN!

220
00:10:41,574 --> 00:10:43,974
NOW YOU LISTEN
TO ME, DICK--

221
00:10:43,976 --> 00:10:44,975
I'M SALLY!

222
00:10:44,977 --> 00:10:47,578
I DON'T GIVE A DAMN
WHO YOU ARE!

223
00:10:47,580 --> 00:10:49,947
IF YOU DON'T START
WORKING TOGETHER,

224
00:10:49,949 --> 00:10:52,216
YOU'RE GONNA LOSE
DON<i> AND</i> MARY.

225
00:10:59,493 --> 00:11:00,758
YOU'RE RIGHT.

226
00:11:04,564 --> 00:11:05,563
TRUCE.

227
00:11:07,234 --> 00:11:08,666
ALL RIGHT,
TRUCE.

228
00:11:08,668 --> 00:11:10,235
THAT'S BETTER.

229
00:11:14,307 --> 00:11:20,111
NOT WITH
THAT SANDWICH,
YOU DON'T!

230
00:11:21,748 --> 00:11:23,281
WHERE ARE THEY?

231
00:11:23,283 --> 00:11:25,950
RIGHT THERE.
GO CUFF 'EM, DON.

232
00:11:25,952 --> 00:11:27,685
UH...WHAT FOR?

233
00:11:27,687 --> 00:11:30,922
THAT GUY OVER THERE,
HE KEEPS ORDERING DRINKS.

234
00:11:30,924 --> 00:11:32,423
AND TALKING.

235
00:11:32,425 --> 00:11:35,226
AND THAT OTHER GUY
KEEPS LAUGHING
AT SOMETHING.

236
00:11:35,228 --> 00:11:38,862
DRINKING, TALKING,
LAUGHING IN A BAR.

237
00:11:38,864 --> 00:11:40,264
NO LAW AGAINST THAT.

238
00:11:40,266 --> 00:11:42,833
HEY, WE PAY TAXES.
HOW LONG IS THIS
GONNA GO ON

239
00:11:42,835 --> 00:11:44,502
BEFORE THE POLICE
DO SOMETHING?

240
00:11:44,504 --> 00:11:45,903
THIS IS TYPICAL.

241
00:11:45,905 --> 00:11:50,675
WHY DON'T YOU JUST
GO EAT ANOTHER
DOUGHNUT, DON!

242
00:11:50,677 --> 00:11:53,611
I'D LIKE TO HELP
YOU OUT, GUYS, BUT...

243
00:11:53,613 --> 00:11:55,079
SALLY.

244
00:11:55,081 --> 00:11:56,146
DON.

245
00:11:56,148 --> 00:11:58,015
DICK!

246
00:12:00,120 --> 00:12:01,819
I'M GLAD YOU'RE
HERE, DON.

247
00:12:01,821 --> 00:12:03,687
I HAD TO TALK
TO YOU.

248
00:12:03,689 --> 00:12:05,723
IT'S ABOUT SALLY.

249
00:12:05,725 --> 00:12:06,958
THAT'S FINE, DICK,

250
00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:10,161
BUT COULD YOU BACK UP
ABOUT 4 INCHES?

251
00:12:10,163 --> 00:12:12,496
OH, YEAH, SORRY.
YOU WANNA SIT DOWN?

252
00:12:12,498 --> 00:12:13,497
YEAH, SURE.

253
00:12:20,239 --> 00:12:22,340
I'D LIKE TO
APOLOGIZE FOR SALLY
THE OTHER DAY.

254
00:12:22,342 --> 00:12:24,475
SHE JUST FEELS
TERRIBLE ABOUT
THE WAY SHE ACTED.

255
00:12:24,477 --> 00:12:25,843
YEAH, IT WAS STRANGE.

256
00:12:25,845 --> 00:12:28,746
SALLY REALLY WANTS
TO MAKE IT UP
TO YOU, DON.

257
00:12:28,748 --> 00:12:31,148
THAT'S WHY I'D
LIKE TO INVITE
YOU AND SALLY

258
00:12:31,150 --> 00:12:33,985
OUT TO DINNER WITH
ME AND MY GIRLFRIEND
ALBRIGHT.

259
00:12:33,987 --> 00:12:35,453
WOULD YOU COME, DON?

260
00:12:35,455 --> 00:12:37,221
WOULD YOU?

261
00:12:40,226 --> 00:12:41,425
SURE.

262
00:12:41,427 --> 00:12:43,861
OH, GOOD.
I WAS WORRIED YOU
WERE UPSET WITH ME.

263
00:12:43,863 --> 00:12:46,097
HEY, YOU WANNA
WATCH IT?!
EXCUSE ME.

264
00:12:46,099 --> 00:12:47,699
YEAH, YOU BETTER
EXCUSE YOU, BOZO!

265
00:12:47,701 --> 00:12:49,266
MY BOYFRIEND HERE'S
A COP.

266
00:12:49,268 --> 00:12:50,267
DICK!

267
00:12:55,242 --> 00:12:57,142
I SAID, MY<i> SISTER'S</i>
<i> BOYFRIEND.</i>

268
00:12:57,144 --> 00:13:00,011
I THINK
EVERYBODY HEARD THAT.

269
00:13:02,782 --> 00:13:04,882
SALLY, I THOUGHT
I HEARD YOU.

270
00:13:04,884 --> 00:13:06,617
MARY, YOU LOOK
PRETTY TODAY.

271
00:13:06,619 --> 00:13:08,286
OH, THANKS.
SO DO YOU.

272
00:13:08,288 --> 00:13:10,254
VERY PRETTY.
THANKS.

273
00:13:10,256 --> 00:13:13,057
LOOK, I TRIED
TO CALL DICK.
IS HE ALL RIGHT?

274
00:13:13,059 --> 00:13:16,394
THAT'S WHAT I CAME
HERE TO TALK TO YOU
ABOUT, MARY.

275
00:13:16,396 --> 00:13:18,529
UH, PLEASE,
SIT DOWN.

276
00:13:18,531 --> 00:13:20,965
DICK IS FINE.
I KNEW YOU THOUGHT

277
00:13:20,967 --> 00:13:23,868
HE WAS HAVING
A BREAKDOWN,
BUT HE WASN'T.

278
00:13:23,870 --> 00:13:25,703
HE JUST SEEMED
SO FRAGILE.

279
00:13:25,705 --> 00:13:27,906
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

280
00:13:32,679 --> 00:13:34,646
HE'S LETTING
YOU IN, MARY.

281
00:13:34,648 --> 00:13:36,613
THAT'S HIS WAY.

282
00:13:36,615 --> 00:13:39,517
OR PERHAPS IT WAS
PERFORMANCE ART.

283
00:13:39,519 --> 00:13:42,587
THAT'S ANOTHER
PERFECTLY REASONABLE
EXPLANATION.

284
00:13:44,591 --> 00:13:47,425
YEAH. UH, JUST--

285
00:13:47,427 --> 00:13:50,261
JUST TELL HIM THAT
HE CAN TALK TO ME.

286
00:13:50,263 --> 00:13:53,931
NO MATTER WHAT
IS BOTHERING HIM,
HE CAN TALK TO ME

287
00:13:53,933 --> 00:13:55,966
BECAUSE...
I LOVE HIM.

288
00:13:55,968 --> 00:13:56,968
OH!

289
00:13:59,939 --> 00:14:01,706
OH, MARY!

290
00:14:01,708 --> 00:14:03,040
SAY IT AGAIN.

291
00:14:04,710 --> 00:14:05,877
NO.

292
00:14:10,716 --> 00:14:13,518
HARRY, YOU BEEN
SHAKING THAT THING
FOR OVER AN HOUR.

293
00:14:13,520 --> 00:14:14,652
HAVE I?

294
00:14:14,654 --> 00:14:16,454
WHY DON'T YOU JUST
POUR IT ALREADY?

295
00:14:16,456 --> 00:14:20,324
'CAUSE IF I POUR IT,
I GOTS TO SERVE IT.

296
00:14:20,326 --> 00:14:22,727
WHAT ARE YOU
SO WORRIED ABOUT?

297
00:14:22,729 --> 00:14:25,730
THOSE GUYS?
DON'T LOOK
AT 'EM!

298
00:14:25,732 --> 00:14:29,600
YOU CAN'T
JUDGE PEOPLE BY
THE WAY THEY LOOK.

299
00:14:29,602 --> 00:14:33,604
THOSE GUYS
ARE JUST A BUNCH
OF PUSSYCATS.

300
00:14:33,606 --> 00:14:34,839
WATCH ME, BOYS.

301
00:14:34,841 --> 00:14:36,107
DON'T GO OVER THERE.

302
00:14:37,243 --> 00:14:40,477
HI, BOYS.
IS THIS SEAT TAKEN?

303
00:14:40,479 --> 00:14:41,879
IT IS NOW.

304
00:14:41,881 --> 00:14:45,983
OH...NOW, WHICH ONE
OF YOU BIG FELLAS IS
GONNA BUY ME A BEER?

305
00:14:45,985 --> 00:14:49,053
I WILL. HOW ABOUT A BEER
FOR THE PRETTY LADY?

306
00:14:49,055 --> 00:14:54,259
OH, YOU'RE WHAT
I LIKE TO CALL...
BURLY.

307
00:14:55,261 --> 00:14:57,161
LOOK AT HER.
SHE SURVIVED.

308
00:14:57,163 --> 00:14:59,563
THOSE GUYS
ARE NICE GUYS
AFTER ALL.

309
00:14:59,565 --> 00:15:01,165
MAN, WE'RE IDIOTS.

310
00:15:01,167 --> 00:15:03,801
OH, I FEEL TERRIBLE.
COME ON.

311
00:15:05,505 --> 00:15:08,739
GUYS, I THINK WE
OWE YOU AN APOLOGY.

312
00:15:08,741 --> 00:15:09,940
FOR WHAT?

313
00:15:09,942 --> 00:15:11,943
WELL, ALL THIS TIME,

314
00:15:11,945 --> 00:15:13,878
WE THOUGHT YOU WERE
UP TO NO GOOD.

315
00:15:13,880 --> 00:15:14,879
CRIMINAL TYPES.

316
00:15:14,881 --> 00:15:16,814
LOOKING FOR TROUBLE.
CASING THE JOINT...

317
00:15:16,816 --> 00:15:18,883
BUT NOW WE SEE
HOW WRONG WE WERE,

318
00:15:18,885 --> 00:15:21,118
SO HOW CAN WE MAKE
THIS UP TO YOU?

319
00:15:21,120 --> 00:15:23,721
WE NEED SOME
MORE PRETZELS.
OK.

320
00:15:23,723 --> 00:15:25,256
AND WHILE
YOU'RE AT IT,

321
00:15:25,258 --> 00:15:28,826
WHY DON'T YOU
EMPTY OUT THE
CASH REGISTER?

322
00:15:28,828 --> 00:15:30,360
NOW.

323
00:15:32,732 --> 00:15:36,167
YEAH!
YEAH!

324
00:15:36,169 --> 00:15:37,401
DID I NOT
TELL YOU?

325
00:15:37,403 --> 00:15:39,604
YOU DIDN'T NEED
TO TELL ME, MAN.
I KNEW!

326
00:15:39,606 --> 00:15:41,272
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
JUST A SECOND.

327
00:15:41,274 --> 00:15:42,440
WE SAW THIS COMING.

328
00:15:42,442 --> 00:15:43,608
MILES AWAY,
BROTHER!

329
00:15:43,610 --> 00:15:45,343
THE CASH
REGISTER.

330
00:15:45,345 --> 00:15:46,978
OH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

331
00:15:50,083 --> 00:15:52,149
SO, ALBRIGHT--

332
00:15:52,151 --> 00:15:54,986
MARY...WHAT'RE YOU
GONNA ORDER?

333
00:15:54,988 --> 00:15:57,288
WELL,
THE STEAK TARTARE
LOOKS GOOD.

334
00:15:57,290 --> 00:16:00,324
THINK I'LL ORDER IT
WELL DONE.

335
00:16:00,326 --> 00:16:01,658
HA HA HA HA!

336
00:16:01,660 --> 00:16:04,128
HA HA HA HA!

337
00:16:04,130 --> 00:16:06,063
OH, THAT'S FUNNY.
YOU'RE FUNNY.

338
00:16:06,065 --> 00:16:09,200
THAT'S REALLY
DESIRABLE IN A WOMAN.
CONGRATULATIONS.

339
00:16:11,003 --> 00:16:14,205
WELL, PARDON ME.
I'LL BE IN THE
LITTLE BOYS' ROOM.

340
00:16:14,207 --> 00:16:17,375
OH, I'LL GO WITH YOU!
THIS'LL BE FUN!

341
00:16:21,981 --> 00:16:24,314
ARE YOU SURE
YOUR BROTHER'S
ALL RIGHT?

342
00:16:24,316 --> 00:16:26,951
ALL RIGHT?
OH, MARY, HE'S GREAT.

343
00:16:26,953 --> 00:16:29,454
AND SO GOOD-LOOKING,
DON'T YOU THINK?

344
00:16:29,456 --> 00:16:32,223
WELL, HE DOES
SEEM TO BE IN
BETTER SPIRITS,

345
00:16:32,225 --> 00:16:34,959
BUT HE STILL SEEMS
SO DISTANT.

346
00:16:34,961 --> 00:16:38,496
HE DOESN'T LOOK
AT ME THE WAY
HE USED...TO.

347
00:16:40,099 --> 00:16:43,768
AND HOW DID HE
USED TO LOOK
AT YOU, MARY?

348
00:16:46,906 --> 00:16:50,174
KINDA LIKE YOU'RE
LOOKING AT ME NOW.

349
00:16:51,911 --> 00:16:53,911
TIME TO PUT OUT
THE FIRE.

350
00:17:07,060 --> 00:17:09,794
KEEP YOUR EYE ON
THE ROAD, DICK.

351
00:17:12,198 --> 00:17:13,664
SO WHAT'S
BOTHERING SALLY?

352
00:17:13,666 --> 00:17:15,633
IS SHE STILL
IN A MOOD?

353
00:17:15,635 --> 00:17:17,468
SHE LOOKS PRETTY HOT
TO ME.

354
00:17:17,470 --> 00:17:18,936
SHE ALWAYS
LOOKS HOT,

355
00:17:18,938 --> 00:17:22,139
BUT YOU SAID SHE
WAS INTERESTED IN
SEEING ME TONIGHT.

356
00:17:22,141 --> 00:17:25,142
SHE SEEMS
TO BE PAYING MORE
ATTENTION TO MARY.

357
00:17:25,144 --> 00:17:28,012
BUT YOU STILL LOVE HER...
RIGHT, DON?

358
00:17:28,014 --> 00:17:30,615
OF COURSE I DO.
I'M CRAZY ABOUT HER.

359
00:17:30,617 --> 00:17:31,949
AH...

360
00:17:31,951 --> 00:17:33,283
OH, GOODY.

361
00:17:42,462 --> 00:17:45,496
SALLY, WE'RE IN TROUBLE.
YOU'VE GOT TO KISS MARY.

362
00:17:45,498 --> 00:17:47,898
SHE KNOWS               WHAT?
SOMETHING'S WRONG.
YOU'VE GOT TO KISS HER.

363
00:17:47,900 --> 00:17:49,199
NOT GONNA
HAPPEN, DICK.

364
00:17:49,201 --> 00:17:51,435
PUT ME DOWN FOR
A HUG AND A HANDSHAKE,
THAT'S IT.

365
00:17:51,437 --> 00:17:52,770
HEY, WE'RE IN
THIS TOGETHER.

366
00:17:52,772 --> 00:17:54,905
NOW, I WANT
YOUR LIPS ON
HER LIPS,

367
00:17:54,907 --> 00:17:56,473
AND THAT'S
AN ORDER,
LIEUTENANT!

368
00:17:56,475 --> 00:18:01,946
HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT
THAT DICK MIGHT BE
A LITTLE...CONFUSED?

369
00:18:01,948 --> 00:18:04,148
LET'S TALK ABOUT SALLY
FOR A MINUTE.

370
00:18:04,150 --> 00:18:06,083
SHE IS STALKING ME.

371
00:18:07,286 --> 00:18:09,219
SO, HOW'S
EVERYBODY DOING?

372
00:18:11,190 --> 00:18:13,991
GREAT. UH, NOW...

373
00:18:13,993 --> 00:18:16,994
YOU KNOW, MARY,
DICK WAS JUST SAYING

374
00:18:16,996 --> 00:18:20,998
HOW DIFFICULT IT
IS FOR HIM TO SIT
NEXT TO YOU

375
00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:23,734
WITHOUT SHOWERING YOU
WITH KISSES.

376
00:18:23,736 --> 00:18:25,169
NO, I WASN'T.

377
00:18:25,171 --> 00:18:28,372
YES, YOU WERE.
YOU WERE SAYING
HOW UNBEARABLE

378
00:18:28,374 --> 00:18:33,077
IT IS TO SIT NEXT TO HER
WITHOUT KISSING HER
THIS VERY MOMENT.

379
00:18:33,079 --> 00:18:35,212
REALLY?
YOU SAID THAT?

380
00:18:35,214 --> 00:18:37,181
WELL, YES,
AFTER SHE TOLD ME

381
00:18:37,183 --> 00:18:39,716
THAT IT'S TAKING
ALL HER STRENGTH

382
00:18:39,718 --> 00:18:42,953
TO KEEP HER LIPS...
OFF DON.

383
00:18:47,126 --> 00:18:51,795
ALL RIGHT...
I GUESS THAT'S FAIR.

384
00:19:11,684 --> 00:19:14,585
THAT'S MORE TONGUE
THAN I'M USED TO.

385
00:19:19,325 --> 00:19:21,325
WELL, DICK, WE
PULLED IT OFF.

386
00:19:21,327 --> 00:19:23,360
TO A JOB WELL DONE,
LIEUTENANT.

387
00:19:25,131 --> 00:19:28,499
AHH. SO, HOW'D YOU
GET OUT OF GOING
HOME WITH DON?

388
00:19:28,501 --> 00:19:30,334
I TOLD HIM I HAD
A HEADACHE.

389
00:19:30,336 --> 00:19:31,802
OH, THAT IS SO COOL.

390
00:19:31,804 --> 00:19:34,204
I TOLD ALBRIGHT
I HAD PSORIASIS.

391
00:19:36,609 --> 00:19:40,177
IF WE ARE DOOMED
TO STAY IN THESE BODIES
FOR A WHILE,

392
00:19:40,179 --> 00:19:42,012
I SUPPOSE
IT COULD BE WORSE.

393
00:19:42,014 --> 00:19:43,948
DON IS KIND OF CUDDLY.

394
00:19:43,950 --> 00:19:46,116
MM. AND MARY'S
MUTUAL FUNDS

395
00:19:46,118 --> 00:19:50,121
HAVE OUTPERFORMED
THE S&P FOR THE
LAST 4 QUARTERS.

396
00:19:50,123 --> 00:19:52,857
WELL, LET'S HAVE
A TOAST, SHALL WE?

397
00:19:52,859 --> 00:19:57,661
TO<i> NEWWWWWW--</i>
<i> INCOMING MESSAGE FROM</i>
<i> THE BIG GIANT HEAD.</i>

398
00:19:57,663 --> 00:19:59,529
YOUR REQUEST
HAS BEEN APPROVED.

399
00:19:59,531 --> 00:20:02,666
YOUR LIEUTENANT
AND HIGH COMMANDER
WILL BE RESTORED

400
00:20:02,668 --> 00:20:05,202
TO THEIR PREVIOUS
EARTH BODIES IMMEDIATELY,

401
00:20:05,204 --> 00:20:09,340
AND A SMALL FEE WILL APPEAR
ON YOUR NEXT STATEMENT.

402
00:20:09,342 --> 00:20:12,510
TRANSMISSION ENDING
IN 3, 2, 1...

403
00:20:12,512 --> 00:20:13,977
ACHOO!
ACHOO!
ACHOO!

404
00:20:20,819 --> 00:20:22,119
DICK?

405
00:20:22,121 --> 00:20:23,854
SALLY?

406
00:20:23,856 --> 00:20:24,888
WE'RE BACK!
WE'RE BACK!

407
00:20:28,127 --> 00:20:30,127
ISN'T THAT GREAT,
TOMMY?

408
00:20:32,865 --> 00:20:35,466
OH, ISN'T THAT
COOL, TOMMY?

409
00:20:36,902 --> 00:20:39,270
TOMMY?
I'M NOT TOMMY.

410
00:20:39,272 --> 00:20:41,104
OH, MY GOD!

411
00:20:42,941 --> 00:20:44,708
AH, I'M JUST
SCREWIN' WITH YOU.

412
00:20:49,515 --> 00:20:51,915
I LEARNED ONE THING
FROM THOSE TOUGH GUYS
AT THE BAR.

413
00:20:51,917 --> 00:20:54,451
YOU KNOW HOW THEY SAY
YOU CAN'T JUDGE A BOOK
BY ITS COVER?

414
00:20:54,453 --> 00:20:55,652
IT'S A BIG LIE.

415
00:20:55,654 --> 00:20:57,688
MM, TRUE. THAT'S
WHAT THE COVER'S FOR--

416
00:20:57,690 --> 00:20:59,656
TELLS YOU EXACTLY
WHAT'S IN THE BOOK.

417
00:20:59,658 --> 00:21:01,759
YEAH. FROM NOW ON,
I LOOK AT PEOPLE,

418
00:21:01,761 --> 00:21:04,295
MAKE SNAP JUDGMENTS,
AND STICK WITH 'EM.

419
00:21:04,297 --> 00:21:05,796
BUT IT'S NOT TRUE.

420
00:21:05,798 --> 00:21:08,365
I JUST SPENT 2 DAYS
IN SALLY'S BODY,

421
00:21:08,367 --> 00:21:10,868
AND PEOPLE MADE
ALL SORTS OF
ASSUMPTIONS

422
00:21:10,870 --> 00:21:12,369
BASED ON
HOW I LOOKED.

423
00:21:12,371 --> 00:21:14,171
AND IT WAS STILL
ME INSIDE.

424
00:21:14,173 --> 00:21:17,507
YEAH. WELL, THIS BODY
TOOK SOME GETTING
USED TO AT FIRST,

425
00:21:17,509 --> 00:21:19,443
BUT NOW IT FEELS
LIKE HOME.

426
00:21:19,445 --> 00:21:21,979
WELL, I'M GLAD TO BE
BACK IN MY BODY.

427
00:21:21,981 --> 00:21:24,781
AND YOU KNOW, SALLY,
I WAS MAD AT FIRST,

428
00:21:24,783 --> 00:21:28,552
BUT NOW I
REALLY DON'T MIND
THE SHAVED LEGS.

429
00:21:28,554 --> 00:21:30,821
YOU KNOW, I DID
YOUR BUTT, TOO.

430
00:21:30,823 --> 00:21:32,823
OH, DON'T THINK
I DIDN'T NOTICE.

431
00:21:32,825 --> 00:21:36,894
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
CARSEY-WERNER PRODUCTIONS AND
THE NATIONAL BROADCASTING
COMPANY

432
00:21:38,731 --> 00:21:40,965
OH, DICK, HAVE YOU
SEEN MY SWEATER?

433
00:21:40,967 --> 00:21:42,366
AH, NO.

434
00:21:42,368 --> 00:21:44,802
YOU KNOW, IT'S THE PINK ONE
WITH THE LITTLE WHITE BOW.

435
00:21:44,804 --> 00:21:45,836
IT DOESN'T RING A BELL.

436
00:21:45,838 --> 00:21:46,937
WAIT A MINUTE.

437
00:21:46,939 --> 00:21:48,072
OPEN YOUR COAT.

438
00:21:48,074 --> 00:21:49,706
SALLY, I DON'T HAVE TIME
FOR THIS NONSENSE

439
00:21:49,708 --> 00:21:50,875
I GOT TO GET TO WORK.

440
00:21:50,877 --> 00:21:52,843
AH-HA!

441
00:21:52,845 --> 00:21:56,247
IT FEELS SO SOFT
AGAINST MY SKIN

442
00:21:56,249 --> 00:21:58,082
AND THEY DON'T MAKE
ANGORA FOR MEN.

443
00:21:58,084 --> 00:22:00,417
AND BESIDES I LOOK SO MUCH
CUTER IN IT THAN YOU DO.

444
00:22:00,419 --> 00:22:01,785
TAKE IT OFF.

445
00:22:01,787 --> 00:22:03,053
I'LL GIVE YOU
TEN BUCKS FOR IT.

446
00:22:03,055 --> 00:22:04,054
TWENTY.

447
00:22:04,056 --> 00:22:05,823
DEAL.