1 00:00:03,937 --> 00:00:06,905 [BEEPING] 2 00:00:06,907 --> 00:00:08,139 WHAT'S WITH THE BEEPER? 3 00:00:08,141 --> 00:00:09,675 OH, I JUST GOT IT. 4 00:00:09,677 --> 00:00:11,142 MY PARENTS AREN'T GETTING ANY YOUNGER, 5 00:00:11,144 --> 00:00:13,978 AND I FEEL A LITTLE SAFER KNOWING THAT THEY CAN REACH ME. 6 00:00:13,980 --> 00:00:15,647 JUST BEING A GOOD DAUGHTER. 7 00:00:15,649 --> 00:00:18,216 IF ANYTHING, I AM A GOOD DAUGHTER. 8 00:00:18,218 --> 00:00:20,085 AREN'T YOU GONNA CALL BACK? 9 00:00:23,623 --> 00:00:25,924 YEAH, I GUESS SO. 10 00:00:26,927 --> 00:00:28,560 OH, NINA, GOOD. 11 00:00:28,562 --> 00:00:30,195 I NEED MY GRADE REPORTS BY TOMORROW MORNING, 12 00:00:30,197 --> 00:00:33,832 OR THE REGISTRAR IS GONNA USE MY ASS AS A TETHERBALL. 13 00:00:33,834 --> 00:00:37,135 I GOTTA RUN. I LEFT THE REPORTS ON YOUR COMPUTER. 14 00:00:37,137 --> 00:00:39,137 I DON'T SEE THEM. 15 00:00:40,408 --> 00:00:42,107 THEY'RE ON YOUR COMPUTER. 16 00:00:42,109 --> 00:00:45,744 NINA, DON'T JERK ME AROUND. 17 00:00:45,746 --> 00:00:48,246 I THINK WHAT SHE MEANS IS THAT THE GRADES 18 00:00:48,248 --> 00:00:50,682 MIGHT ACTUALLY BE IN THE COMPUTER. 19 00:00:50,684 --> 00:00:52,984 YES, MOM, I KNOW. 20 00:00:52,986 --> 00:00:57,155 3 FOR A DOLLAR IS A GREAT PRICE FOR CRENSHAW MELONS. 21 00:00:57,157 --> 00:01:00,292 YOU KNOW, I GOT THIS BEEPER FOR EMERGENCIES. 22 00:01:00,294 --> 00:01:03,162 YEAH, I KNOW THEY'RE GONNA GO FAST. 23 00:01:03,164 --> 00:01:05,063 I'LL JUST HAVE TO RISK IT. 24 00:01:05,065 --> 00:01:06,064 GOOD-BYE. 25 00:01:07,168 --> 00:01:09,401 HOW AM I GONNA GET MY GRADES OUT OF THIS? 26 00:01:09,403 --> 00:01:10,936 THEY'RE NOT ON THE DISK? 27 00:01:10,938 --> 00:01:12,771 THE DISK? 28 00:01:14,008 --> 00:01:16,842 OH, MY GOD. 29 00:01:16,844 --> 00:01:21,146 YOU KNOW, IN 3 YEARS, I HAVE NEVER SEEN YOU USE YOUR COMPUTER. 30 00:01:21,148 --> 00:01:23,381 IT'S YOUR DIRTY LITTLE SECRET, ISN'T IT? 31 00:01:23,383 --> 00:01:27,486 YOU'RE A PHYSICS PROFESSOR WHO'S COMPUTER ILLITERATE. 32 00:01:27,488 --> 00:01:29,388 I AM NOT. 33 00:01:29,390 --> 00:01:31,523 WELL, FINE, FINE. 34 00:01:31,525 --> 00:01:33,224 BUT IF YOU EVER NEED MY HELP, 35 00:01:33,226 --> 00:01:35,927 I...AN ANTHROPOLOGY PROFESSOR, 36 00:01:35,929 --> 00:01:37,462 WILL TEACH YOU... 37 00:01:37,464 --> 00:01:39,765 A PHYSICS PROFESSOR... 38 00:01:39,767 --> 00:01:42,734 HOW TO OPEN A FILE WITH YOUR MOUSE. 39 00:01:42,736 --> 00:01:43,735 HA HA HA! 40 00:01:49,409 --> 00:01:51,643 COMPUTER, ACTIVATE NOW. 41 00:01:55,582 --> 00:01:57,582 OH. 42 00:01:57,584 --> 00:02:00,152 OH HO, SILLY ME. 43 00:02:00,154 --> 00:02:01,052 IT'S JAPANESE. 44 00:02:01,054 --> 00:02:02,620 [CLEARS THROAT] 45 00:02:02,622 --> 00:02:05,523 IMA KUMPUTA HAJIMATE! 46 00:02:19,606 --> 00:02:22,607 CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY CARSEY-WERNER PRODUCTIONS 47 00:02:22,609 --> 00:02:42,293 AND THE NATIONAL BROADCASTING COMPANY 48 00:02:44,097 --> 00:02:46,364 INTERESTING HAIR. 49 00:02:46,366 --> 00:02:48,366 NO, I THINK THAT'S A HAT. 50 00:02:48,368 --> 00:02:50,836 NO, I DON'T THINK A COW WOULD WEAR A HAT. 51 00:02:52,505 --> 00:02:54,639 WHY DON'T YOU GUYS JUST GET A NEW TV? 52 00:02:58,145 --> 00:02:59,477 WHA... 53 00:02:59,479 --> 00:03:01,379 NEW TV? 54 00:03:01,381 --> 00:03:03,314 CAN WE-- CAN WE DO THAT? 55 00:03:04,518 --> 00:03:05,851 YEAH. 56 00:03:05,853 --> 00:03:07,652 MY GOD, THAT'S BRILLIANT! 57 00:03:07,654 --> 00:03:09,087 THAT'S MY GIRLFRIEND. 58 00:03:09,089 --> 00:03:10,088 HARRY. 59 00:03:10,090 --> 00:03:11,790 OHHH! 60 00:03:11,792 --> 00:03:13,758 OHHH! IT'S BLUE! 61 00:03:13,760 --> 00:03:15,927 IT'S BLUE! 62 00:03:15,929 --> 00:03:18,630 OH, MY GOD. WE'RE PREGNANT! 63 00:03:19,866 --> 00:03:22,067 I AM THE MAN! 64 00:03:22,069 --> 00:03:23,902 HARRY! 65 00:03:23,904 --> 00:03:26,771 I JUST HAS A BLUE ICY POP. 66 00:03:26,773 --> 00:03:29,708 OHH. 67 00:03:29,710 --> 00:03:32,578 WELL, THAT DOESN'T MEAN THAT I'M NOT THE MAN. 68 00:03:32,580 --> 00:03:34,145 HONEY, YOU WILL BE THE MAN. 69 00:03:34,147 --> 00:03:35,079 WE'RE GOING TO A SPECIALIST 70 00:03:35,081 --> 00:03:37,949 TO MAKE SURE ALL SYSTEMS ARE GO. 71 00:03:37,951 --> 00:03:39,517 THAT'S RIGHT. 72 00:03:39,519 --> 00:03:40,551 THAT'S RIGHT. 73 00:03:40,553 --> 00:03:41,486 OK, THAT'S MY CUE. 74 00:03:41,488 --> 00:03:42,420 YEAH, ME, TOO. 75 00:03:42,422 --> 00:03:45,690 GET IT... AND GET IT. HA! 76 00:03:45,692 --> 00:03:47,659 TOMMY, AREN'T YOU GONNA GO WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND? 77 00:03:47,661 --> 00:03:50,295 NO, I WAS JUST GONNA STAY HERE AND WATCH. 78 00:03:50,297 --> 00:03:55,100 THIS IS GROWN-UP STUFF. GET OUT OF HERE! 79 00:03:55,102 --> 00:03:56,934 GET IT, HA! GET IT! 80 00:04:01,975 --> 00:04:04,809 DICK, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 81 00:04:04,811 --> 00:04:08,846 I-I'M JUST, UH, WORKING ON MY COMPUTER. 82 00:04:08,848 --> 00:04:09,781 IT'S NOT EVEN ON. 83 00:04:09,783 --> 00:04:10,848 YES, IT IS. 84 00:04:10,850 --> 00:04:11,850 NO, IT'S NOT. 85 00:04:11,852 --> 00:04:14,118 YEAH, I-IT'S JUST, UH, WARMING UP. 86 00:04:15,255 --> 00:04:18,290 YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO USE A COMPUTER! 87 00:04:18,292 --> 00:04:19,491 SHUT UP! 88 00:04:19,493 --> 00:04:23,328 OH, HE HAS NO IDEA! 89 00:04:23,330 --> 00:04:24,996 I AM A SUPERIOR BEING. 90 00:04:24,998 --> 00:04:27,032 I CAME TO EARTH ON A SPACESHIP 91 00:04:27,034 --> 00:04:29,367 THAT COULD FIT IN MY PANTS. 92 00:04:29,369 --> 00:04:31,837 WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH TECHNOLOGY SO BACKWARDS 93 00:04:31,839 --> 00:04:34,272 IT CAN'T EVEN READ YOUR THOUGHT WAVES? 94 00:04:37,343 --> 00:04:38,977 MISS... 95 00:04:38,979 --> 00:04:41,246 YOU HAVE A VERY RARE CONDITION 96 00:04:41,248 --> 00:04:43,415 WHICH CAN ONLY BE CURED 97 00:04:43,417 --> 00:04:45,350 BY GETTIN' NAKED. 98 00:04:46,954 --> 00:04:49,154 WE DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME. 99 00:04:49,156 --> 00:04:51,857 HARRY, THIS IS SERIOUS BUSINESS. 100 00:04:51,859 --> 00:04:54,426 I GOTTA BE SURE THAT EVERYTHING'S ALL RIGHT. 101 00:04:54,428 --> 00:04:57,328 HI, I'M DR. HOWARD. 102 00:04:57,330 --> 00:04:59,831 I UNDERSTAND YOU'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET PREGNANT. 103 00:04:59,833 --> 00:05:01,066 OH, BOY, WE SURE HAVE. 104 00:05:01,068 --> 00:05:02,500 FOR A WHOLE MONTH. 105 00:05:03,904 --> 00:05:06,604 IT'S BEEN THE GREATEST MONTH OF MY LIFE. 106 00:05:06,606 --> 00:05:09,574 WELL, A MONTH, THAT'S A LITTLE EARLY TO PANIC. 107 00:05:09,576 --> 00:05:10,709 BUT... 108 00:05:10,711 --> 00:05:13,578 IT'S NOT LIKE WE'RE DOING ANYTHING ELSE. 109 00:05:13,580 --> 00:05:14,646 WELL, 110 00:05:14,648 --> 00:05:16,648 IF IT'LL GIVE YOU SOME PEACE OF MIND, 111 00:05:16,650 --> 00:05:18,617 WE CAN HAVE A LITTLE LOOK-SEE. 112 00:05:18,619 --> 00:05:23,121 SEE, THE REPRODUCTIVE SYSTEM IS A VERY COMPLEX PIECE OF MACHINERY. 113 00:05:23,123 --> 00:05:24,155 OK. 114 00:05:24,157 --> 00:05:26,558 YOU SEE THIS, HARRY? THIS IS YOUR URETHRA. 115 00:05:26,560 --> 00:05:27,592 OH! 116 00:05:29,463 --> 00:05:31,729 WHERE DID YOU GET THAT PICTURE?! 117 00:05:33,166 --> 00:05:35,833 IT'S NOT REALLY YOURS. 118 00:05:35,835 --> 00:05:37,535 PROBABLY SOME... 119 00:05:37,537 --> 00:05:39,671 FANCY MALE MODEL, ISN'T IT? 120 00:05:39,673 --> 00:05:42,007 SURE. 121 00:05:47,080 --> 00:05:48,580 HELLO. MAY I HELP YOU? 122 00:05:48,582 --> 00:05:50,915 YES. I AM QUITE LIVID! 123 00:05:50,917 --> 00:05:53,384 I PURCHASED THIS COMPUTER HERE 2 WEEKS AGO, 124 00:05:53,386 --> 00:05:56,822 AND I CAN'T DO ANYTHING WITH IT. IT'S BROKEN. 125 00:05:56,824 --> 00:06:00,525 WE HAVEN'T SOLD THIS MACHINE HERE FOR 6 YEARS. 126 00:06:00,527 --> 00:06:03,962 FINE, FINE. I'LL JUST TAKE STORE CREDIT, THEN. 127 00:06:03,964 --> 00:06:07,899 THIS IS STAMPED "PROPERTY OF PENDLETON UNIVERSITY." 128 00:06:07,901 --> 00:06:10,369 YOU HAVE SOLD ME STOLEN GOODS? 129 00:06:10,371 --> 00:06:12,137 HOW DARE YOU! 130 00:06:12,139 --> 00:06:15,307 YOU DID NOT BUY THIS COMPUTER HERE. 131 00:06:15,309 --> 00:06:16,774 YOU ARE LYING. 132 00:06:16,776 --> 00:06:18,877 YOU ARE A LIAR. 133 00:06:20,814 --> 00:06:23,715 I THOUGHT THE CUSTOMER WAS ALWAYS RIGHT. 134 00:06:23,717 --> 00:06:25,349 THAT'S SO CLEAR. 135 00:06:25,351 --> 00:06:28,720 YOU CAN ACTUALLY SEE WHERE THIS GUY ENDS AND THIS GUY STARTS. 136 00:06:28,722 --> 00:06:30,589 OH, WHOA, THIS ONE'S EVEN BETTER. 137 00:06:30,591 --> 00:06:31,590 OH, YEAH! 138 00:06:31,592 --> 00:06:33,825 BUT IT PALES IN COMPARISON TO THIS... 139 00:06:33,827 --> 00:06:35,794 MASTERPIECE! 140 00:06:35,796 --> 00:06:36,795 TOMMY. 141 00:06:36,797 --> 00:06:37,796 HUH? 142 00:06:40,067 --> 00:06:42,801 SWEET MOTHER! 143 00:06:42,803 --> 00:06:46,571 BOTH: THERE'S A PICTURE IN THAT PICTURE! 144 00:06:48,675 --> 00:06:50,542 OH, MY GOD, IT'S SO LITTLE. 145 00:06:50,544 --> 00:06:54,079 I COULD JUST SIT DOWN AND REST IT RIGHT HERE ON MY, UH... 146 00:06:54,081 --> 00:06:57,182 UH, THIGH SHELF. 147 00:06:57,184 --> 00:06:59,250 UH, NOW, ALL YOU DO TO CLEAR THE SCREEN-- 148 00:06:59,252 --> 00:07:00,751 THAT MUCH I KNOW. 149 00:07:00,753 --> 00:07:02,787 I HAVE SOMETHING SIMILAR TO THIS AT HOME. 150 00:07:11,331 --> 00:07:12,931 OK, YOU GUYS. 151 00:07:12,933 --> 00:07:14,632 CHECK IT OUT. 152 00:07:14,634 --> 00:07:18,870 4-HEAD VHS AUTO-TRACKING DELICIOUSNESS. 153 00:07:18,872 --> 00:07:21,773 525 LINES OF RESOLUTION. 154 00:07:21,775 --> 00:07:23,341 OOH, YEAH! 155 00:07:24,611 --> 00:07:26,044 HOWEVER, IT SAYS HERE 156 00:07:26,046 --> 00:07:30,382 THAT THIS VCR ONLY HAS 250 LINES. 157 00:07:30,384 --> 00:07:31,650 WHAT ARE YOU SAYING? 158 00:07:31,652 --> 00:07:34,018 NOTHING. 159 00:07:34,020 --> 00:07:36,020 A-ARE YOU SAYING THAT THESE COLORS 160 00:07:36,022 --> 00:07:37,556 COULD BE MORE VIBRANT? 161 00:07:37,558 --> 00:07:38,856 THIS LOOKS GOOD TO ME. 162 00:07:38,858 --> 00:07:41,359 I AM SAYING, TOMMY, THAT IF WE WENT DIGITAL, 163 00:07:41,361 --> 00:07:45,330 WE'D GET THE MOST OUT OF OUR BITCHIN' TV. 164 00:07:45,332 --> 00:07:48,567 SO IT WOULD REALLY BE A WASTE OF MONEY NOT TO. 165 00:07:48,569 --> 00:07:51,203 THIS REALLY LOOKS FINE. 166 00:07:51,205 --> 00:07:52,704 IT'S HORRIBLE! 167 00:07:52,706 --> 00:07:56,074 PACK IT UP. THIS PIECE OF CRAP'S GOING BACK. 168 00:08:08,956 --> 00:08:10,855 GRRRRRR! 169 00:08:10,857 --> 00:08:12,190 HARRY, CUT IT OUT. 170 00:08:12,192 --> 00:08:14,292 I GOTTA FIND OUT IF I'M OVULATING. 171 00:08:25,072 --> 00:08:27,739 OK. 172 00:08:27,741 --> 00:08:29,540 NOW WE CAN BEGIN. 173 00:08:29,542 --> 00:08:30,842 OH. OK. 174 00:08:32,245 --> 00:08:33,644 GRRRRR! 175 00:08:33,646 --> 00:08:34,745 YOU KNOW WHAT? 176 00:08:34,747 --> 00:08:37,248 GET AWAY FROM THAT TV. 177 00:08:37,250 --> 00:08:38,249 WHY? 178 00:08:38,251 --> 00:08:39,884 THE ELECTROMAGNETIC FIELD 179 00:08:39,886 --> 00:08:41,986 CAN WREAK HAVOC ON YOUR SWIM TEAM. 180 00:08:41,988 --> 00:08:43,121 OHH! 181 00:08:45,592 --> 00:08:47,125 ALL RIGHT, HARRY. 182 00:08:48,962 --> 00:08:50,461 TAKE OFF THE ROBE. 183 00:08:50,463 --> 00:08:52,530 TAKE IT OFF? 184 00:08:52,532 --> 00:08:54,666 TAKE OFF THE ROBE. 185 00:08:54,668 --> 00:08:55,667 ALL RIGHT. 186 00:08:58,738 --> 00:09:02,440 OH, NO. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. 187 00:09:02,442 --> 00:09:03,608 WHAT? 188 00:09:03,610 --> 00:09:05,676 WHY ARE YOU WEARING SUCH CONSTRICTIVE UNDERPANTS? 189 00:09:05,678 --> 00:09:07,745 WELL, DICK WAS DONE WITH THEM. 190 00:09:07,747 --> 00:09:10,882 HARRY, YOU KNOW, YOU ARE NOT HELPING THE CAUSE. 191 00:09:10,884 --> 00:09:12,684 YOU'VE GOT TO GET WITH THE PROGRAM. 192 00:09:12,686 --> 00:09:13,818 TAKE 'EM OFF. 193 00:09:13,820 --> 00:09:14,952 WHAT? 194 00:09:14,954 --> 00:09:16,053 TAKE 'EM OFF NOW. TAKE 'EM OFF. 195 00:09:16,055 --> 00:09:18,289 IF IT'S ALL THE SAME TO YOU, 196 00:09:18,291 --> 00:09:20,358 I THINK I'LL JUST LEAVE THEM ON. 197 00:09:20,360 --> 00:09:21,359 [SOBBING] 198 00:09:21,361 --> 00:09:22,394 HARRY! 199 00:09:23,530 --> 00:09:26,097 OK, CONFIGURE MODEM FILE. 200 00:09:26,099 --> 00:09:27,832 WHERE'S THE MODEM FILE? 201 00:09:27,834 --> 00:09:29,300 GO TO YOUR CONTROL PANEL. 202 00:09:29,302 --> 00:09:30,301 MY WHAT? 203 00:09:30,303 --> 00:09:32,170 YOUR CONTROL PANEL ON YOUR DESKTOP. 204 00:09:32,172 --> 00:09:33,271 WHERE? 205 00:09:33,273 --> 00:09:35,140 ON YOUR COMPUTER'S DESKTOP. 206 00:09:35,142 --> 00:09:37,175 THAT'S NOT A DESKTOP. THIS IS A DESKTOP. 207 00:09:37,177 --> 00:09:39,044 THAT'S A SCREEN. 208 00:09:39,046 --> 00:09:40,912 NO, NO, NO. QUIT THIS. 209 00:09:40,914 --> 00:09:42,380 HIT "COMMAND Q." 210 00:09:42,382 --> 00:09:43,447 COMMAND... 211 00:09:43,449 --> 00:09:45,150 THAT'S CONTROL. HIT COMMAND. COMMAND! 212 00:09:45,152 --> 00:09:47,652 NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, DICK! 213 00:09:47,654 --> 00:09:49,788 AAAAHHHHH! 214 00:09:50,857 --> 00:09:51,856 THERE. 215 00:09:51,858 --> 00:09:52,857 [BEEPER BEEPS] 216 00:09:52,859 --> 00:09:54,492 OH, GREAT. 217 00:09:54,494 --> 00:09:58,997 DON'T TELL ME, MANGOS ARE 3 FOR A DOLLAR. 218 00:09:58,999 --> 00:10:01,499 I'M GONNA GO USE YOUR PHONE. 219 00:10:01,501 --> 00:10:03,367 [MUTTERING TO HERSELF] I'M SO SMART. GET HER A BEEPER. 220 00:10:03,369 --> 00:10:06,270 GOOD DAUGHTER. OH, THAT'S RIGHT. 221 00:10:06,272 --> 00:10:08,773 NOW, THIS IS HIGH QUALITY. 222 00:10:08,775 --> 00:10:09,774 OH, YEAH! 223 00:10:09,776 --> 00:10:11,776 DVDS, BABY! 224 00:10:11,778 --> 00:10:13,978 DIGITAL VIDEO... 225 00:10:13,980 --> 00:10:16,113 DYNAMITE. 226 00:10:16,115 --> 00:10:17,982 THIS RESOLUTION IS PERFECT. 227 00:10:17,984 --> 00:10:20,117 OH, THE COLORS ARE SO ALIVE. 228 00:10:20,119 --> 00:10:22,353 IT'S LEPRECHAUN 2. 229 00:10:22,355 --> 00:10:23,554 WHOA, WHOA, CHECK THIS OUT. 230 00:10:23,556 --> 00:10:24,689 THERE'S A BONUS AUDIO TRACK 231 00:10:24,691 --> 00:10:26,490 WHERE YOU CAN HEAR THE DIRECTOR'S COMMENTS. 232 00:10:26,492 --> 00:10:29,060 THE DIRECTOR OF LEPRECHAUN 2. 233 00:10:29,062 --> 00:10:30,428 OOH, AND LOOK, 234 00:10:30,430 --> 00:10:34,131 AT THE END YOU CAN SEE THE ORIGINAL TRAILERS FOR THE MOVIE. 235 00:10:34,133 --> 00:10:38,402 YOU'RE PAYING TO WATCH THE COMMERCIALS FOR LEPRECHAUN 2! 236 00:10:38,404 --> 00:10:41,072 DIGITALLY REMASTERED. 237 00:10:41,074 --> 00:10:42,740 YEAH. 238 00:10:42,742 --> 00:10:46,711 THE RESOLUTION OF THIS DVD IS SO GOOD... 239 00:10:46,713 --> 00:10:51,483 IT'S ALMOST A SHAME TO WATCH THEM ON A SMALLISH TV. 240 00:10:51,485 --> 00:10:53,618 IT'S LIKE LOOKIN' AT THE MONA LISA 241 00:10:53,620 --> 00:10:56,921 WHILE SOMEONE'S JABBING A STICK IN YOUR EYE. 242 00:10:56,923 --> 00:10:58,789 IS IT THAT BAD? 243 00:11:01,395 --> 00:11:02,994 WE NEED A NEW TV! 244 00:11:02,996 --> 00:11:05,696 PACK IT UP. THIS PIECE OF CRAP IS GOIN' BACK. 245 00:11:06,800 --> 00:11:08,566 NOTHING. 246 00:11:08,568 --> 00:11:09,600 I'VE DONE EVERYTHING YOU ASK, 247 00:11:09,602 --> 00:11:11,903 AND WHAT DO I GET? NOTHING! 248 00:11:11,905 --> 00:11:12,837 THAT'S IT! 249 00:11:12,839 --> 00:11:13,938 BON VOYAGE. 250 00:11:13,940 --> 00:11:15,806 IT'S OUT TO THE LANDFILL WITH YOU! 251 00:11:15,808 --> 00:11:17,108 COMPUTER: WELCOME. 252 00:11:18,611 --> 00:11:20,078 WHAT DID YOU SAY? 253 00:11:20,080 --> 00:11:21,646 YOU HAVE MAIL. 254 00:11:21,648 --> 00:11:24,449 I DO? 255 00:11:24,451 --> 00:11:29,053 NO, MOM, I DON'T HAVE GRANDMA'S RECIPE FOR APPLE PAN DOWDY. 256 00:11:29,055 --> 00:11:32,023 LOOK, EVERY TIME THIS BEEPER GOES OFF, I THINK YOU'RE DEAD, 257 00:11:32,025 --> 00:11:34,459 AND I'M STARTING TO GET DISAPPOINTED. 258 00:11:36,463 --> 00:11:39,797 NO, MOM, I'M KIDDING. I'M KIDDING. 259 00:11:39,799 --> 00:11:41,232 BYE. 260 00:11:42,602 --> 00:11:45,069 THE HELL I AM! 261 00:11:45,071 --> 00:11:46,804 OH, MY GOD. 262 00:11:46,806 --> 00:11:49,240 ART, SCIENCE, PHILOSOPHY. 263 00:11:49,242 --> 00:11:50,241 THIS IS BEAUTIFUL. 264 00:11:50,243 --> 00:11:52,010 WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, DICK? 265 00:11:52,012 --> 00:11:54,578 I-I'M ON-LINE! 266 00:11:54,580 --> 00:11:55,680 DO YOU KNOW WHAT THEY CALL THIS? 267 00:11:55,682 --> 00:11:57,348 THE WORLD WIDE WEB. 268 00:11:57,350 --> 00:11:59,384 THE ENTIRE PLANET IS AT MY FINGERTIPS. 269 00:11:59,386 --> 00:12:00,418 HMM, GOOD FOR YOU. 270 00:12:00,420 --> 00:12:02,086 GOOD FOR ALL OF US. 271 00:12:02,088 --> 00:12:03,154 WE'VE SPENT ALL THIS TIME 272 00:12:03,156 --> 00:12:04,722 TRYING TO GET CLOSER TO HUMANITY, 273 00:12:04,724 --> 00:12:06,957 AND NOW WE HAVE INSTANT ACCESS 274 00:12:06,959 --> 00:12:08,726 TO EVERY CULTURE ON EARTH! 275 00:12:08,728 --> 00:12:11,162 EXCEPT THE FRENCH. 276 00:12:11,164 --> 00:12:13,164 AH! THERE THEY ARE! 277 00:12:13,166 --> 00:12:15,633 LUCKY US. 278 00:12:15,635 --> 00:12:19,570 [SINGING FRENCH NATIONAL ANTHEM] 279 00:12:19,572 --> 00:12:22,907 YOU KNOW, DICK, IF WE'RE GONNA MAKE IT TO DINNER, WE BETTER GO NOW. 280 00:12:22,909 --> 00:12:24,875 EVERY PLACE IS GONNA BE CLOSED IN AN HOUR. 281 00:12:24,877 --> 00:12:26,778 I'M SORRY, MARY. I--I CAN'T LEAVE NOW. 282 00:12:26,780 --> 00:12:27,645 WHY? 283 00:12:27,647 --> 00:12:29,113 I HAVE A WHOLE WORLD TO EXPLORE. 284 00:12:29,115 --> 00:12:31,415 RICHES TO UNEARTH. 285 00:12:31,417 --> 00:12:33,518 AND IN 15 MINUTES, THERE'S AN ON-LINE CHAT 286 00:12:33,520 --> 00:12:34,586 WITH JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT, 287 00:12:34,588 --> 00:12:38,756 AND NO WAY AM I MISSING THAT! 288 00:12:40,360 --> 00:12:43,394 [1812 OVERTURE PLAYS] 289 00:12:48,935 --> 00:12:50,167 MMM! 290 00:12:50,169 --> 00:12:51,669 NOW, THIS IS A TELEVISION! 291 00:12:51,671 --> 00:12:52,837 OH, GOD. 292 00:12:52,839 --> 00:12:54,873 LOOK HOW BIG EVERYTHING IS. 293 00:12:54,875 --> 00:12:58,209 THAT VIOLIN LOOKS LIKE A CELLO. 294 00:12:58,211 --> 00:13:00,678 NO, THAT IS A CELLO. 295 00:13:00,680 --> 00:13:02,480 OH, I WAS WONDERING WHY THAT DUDE 296 00:13:02,482 --> 00:13:05,416 WAS PLAYING THE VIOLIN BETWEEN HIS LEGS. 297 00:13:05,418 --> 00:13:07,284 COME ON, HARRY. WE'RE GONNA BE LATE FOR THE CLINIC. 298 00:13:07,286 --> 00:13:09,554 I DON'T WANT TO GO TO THE STUPID CLINIC. 299 00:13:09,556 --> 00:13:10,721 HARRY, 300 00:13:10,723 --> 00:13:12,023 FACE IT, YOU HAVE A PROBLEM. 301 00:13:12,025 --> 00:13:14,291 I AM NOT IMPOTENT. 302 00:13:17,397 --> 00:13:18,896 HELLO, ALISSA. 303 00:13:18,898 --> 00:13:21,331 HOW'S SCHOOL? 304 00:13:21,333 --> 00:13:22,767 GOOD. 305 00:13:22,769 --> 00:13:23,935 THAT'S GREAT. 306 00:13:23,937 --> 00:13:25,102 YEAH. 307 00:13:28,174 --> 00:13:29,607 DICK: AND SO YOU SEE, 308 00:13:29,609 --> 00:13:32,710 THAT BY UTILIZING A VISCOUS BARRIER, 309 00:13:32,712 --> 00:13:35,946 WE MINIMIZE BONDING BETWEEN ANY 2 SUBSTANCES. 310 00:13:35,948 --> 00:13:38,516 NOW, YOU UNDERSTAND FRICTION, 311 00:13:38,518 --> 00:13:39,650 AND I... 312 00:13:39,652 --> 00:13:41,652 HAVE A NICE OMELET. 313 00:13:50,029 --> 00:13:51,496 ANY QUESTIONS? 314 00:13:51,498 --> 00:13:52,863 UM... 315 00:13:54,934 --> 00:13:56,901 WHY ARE YOU ON A COMPUTER? 316 00:13:56,903 --> 00:14:01,372 MY ACTUAL PRESENCE IS NO LONGER NECESSARY 317 00:14:01,374 --> 00:14:02,907 IN THE LEARNING PROCESS. 318 00:14:02,909 --> 00:14:04,875 THIS IS MY NEW LIVE WEBCAM 319 00:14:04,877 --> 00:14:08,079 AT WWW.PLANETSOLOMON.COM. 320 00:14:08,081 --> 00:14:09,981 IT'S ON ME 24 HOURS A DAY. 321 00:14:09,983 --> 00:14:12,883 NOW, ANYBODY CAN LOG ON. 322 00:14:12,885 --> 00:14:15,186 YOU CAN WATCH ME DO ALMOST EVERYTHING, 323 00:14:15,188 --> 00:14:17,956 AND, UH, FOR A SMALL FEE... 324 00:14:17,958 --> 00:14:19,123 EVERYTHING. 325 00:14:23,763 --> 00:14:25,596 NOW, WHAT I'D LIKE TO DO NOW 326 00:14:25,598 --> 00:14:27,464 IS TAKE AN AGGRESSIVE APPROACH 327 00:14:27,466 --> 00:14:31,803 BY RUNNING AN EXTENSIVE BATTERY OF TESTS ON YOU, HARRY. 328 00:14:31,805 --> 00:14:32,803 DOES THAT SOUND GOOD? 329 00:14:32,805 --> 00:14:34,539 IT DOESN'T SOUND GREAT. 330 00:14:35,575 --> 00:14:37,141 YOU JUST RELAX. 331 00:14:37,143 --> 00:14:40,511 DRINK THIS SOLUTION, AND I'LL BE BACK IN A MINUTE FOR THE X-RAY. 332 00:14:40,513 --> 00:14:43,081 LOOK AT THAT. IT'S JUST KOOL-AID. 333 00:14:43,083 --> 00:14:45,649 KOOL-AID WITH RADIOACTIVE TRACERS. 334 00:14:48,288 --> 00:14:51,222 HARRY, LISTEN TO ME. WE'RE GONNA GET THROUGH THIS. 335 00:14:51,224 --> 00:14:52,890 YOU KNOW THAT DR. HOWARD? 336 00:14:52,892 --> 00:14:54,525 HE'S GOT THIS LITTLE TINY CAMERA 337 00:14:54,527 --> 00:14:56,427 THAT HE CAN SEND STRAIGHT UP YOUR-- 338 00:14:58,064 --> 00:15:01,099 OK, THAT'S IT! 339 00:15:03,503 --> 00:15:05,903 NO MORE SPECIALISTS, 340 00:15:05,905 --> 00:15:07,371 NO MORE EQUIPMENT, 341 00:15:07,373 --> 00:15:10,040 AND NO MORE RADIOACTIVE KOOL-AID. 342 00:15:10,042 --> 00:15:12,009 WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 343 00:15:12,011 --> 00:15:14,178 NOW YOU LISTEN TO ME, BABY. 344 00:15:14,180 --> 00:15:16,013 THIS ISN'T ABOUT DOCTORS 345 00:15:16,015 --> 00:15:17,848 OR MEDICINE. 346 00:15:17,850 --> 00:15:19,616 IT'S ABOUT YOU AND ME, BABY-- 347 00:15:19,618 --> 00:15:20,817 2 PEOPLE IN LOVE. 348 00:15:20,819 --> 00:15:21,786 YOU'RE HURTING ME. 349 00:15:21,788 --> 00:15:22,787 YEAH! 350 00:15:25,058 --> 00:15:26,723 NOW, IF WE'RE GONNA MAKE A BABY, 351 00:15:26,725 --> 00:15:29,827 WE'RE GONNA DO IT THE NATURAL WAY. 352 00:15:29,829 --> 00:15:31,429 OH, HARRY. 353 00:15:31,431 --> 00:15:34,532 VICKI, I SUGGEST YOU JOIN ME 354 00:15:34,534 --> 00:15:37,502 UP HERE ON THIS BUTCHER PAPER RIGHT NOW. 355 00:15:41,140 --> 00:15:42,740 YEAH! 356 00:15:42,742 --> 00:15:45,843 AND GET IT, AND GET IT... 357 00:15:45,845 --> 00:15:48,646 YOU SEE, ALISSA, THE PROBLEM WASN'T THE TV. 358 00:15:48,648 --> 00:15:51,683 THE PROBLEM WAS WE DIDN'T HAVE DOLBY 6-SPEAKER 359 00:15:51,685 --> 00:15:53,318 DIGITAL SURROUND-SOUND. 360 00:15:54,687 --> 00:15:57,055 STUPID! 361 00:15:57,057 --> 00:15:58,622 BUT NOW... 362 00:15:58,624 --> 00:16:01,492 WE HAVE EVERYTHING. 363 00:16:01,494 --> 00:16:02,893 OK. 364 00:16:02,895 --> 00:16:04,128 HOLD ON. 365 00:16:04,130 --> 00:16:06,797 [ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT THEME PLAYS] 366 00:16:06,799 --> 00:16:07,898 OK. 367 00:16:07,900 --> 00:16:10,001 WE'RE AT 30% VOLUME. 368 00:16:10,003 --> 00:16:11,836 [MUSIC LOUDER] 369 00:16:11,838 --> 00:16:14,439 40%. 370 00:16:14,441 --> 00:16:16,407 50%. 371 00:16:16,409 --> 00:16:17,408 AHHH! 372 00:16:17,410 --> 00:16:18,476 STOP IT! 373 00:16:18,478 --> 00:16:20,377 WHOOOOOAAA! 374 00:16:20,379 --> 00:16:23,347 I FEEL LIKE I'M WATCHING ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT 375 00:16:23,349 --> 00:16:25,583 AT CARNEGIE FREAKIN' HALL. 376 00:16:25,585 --> 00:16:28,619 AWESOOOOMMME! 377 00:16:28,621 --> 00:16:30,187 TURN IT DOWN! 378 00:16:30,189 --> 00:16:32,924 HOW LOUD DO YOU NEED TO HEAR 379 00:16:32,926 --> 00:16:36,027 THAT IT'S MARY STEENBURGEN'S BIRTHDAY? 380 00:16:36,029 --> 00:16:37,095 LOUDER? 381 00:16:37,097 --> 00:16:38,162 WE DID IT. 382 00:16:38,164 --> 00:16:40,698 WE HAVE THE ULTIMATE HOME THEATER SYSTEM! 383 00:16:40,700 --> 00:16:41,699 YEAH! YEAH! 384 00:16:41,701 --> 00:16:43,167 HA! 385 00:16:45,037 --> 00:16:47,137 EXCUSE ME, HOW MUCH DID ALL OF THIS COST? 386 00:16:47,139 --> 00:16:48,906 HOW MUCH DID IT COST? 387 00:16:48,908 --> 00:16:50,842 NO MONEY DOWN, BABY. 388 00:16:50,844 --> 00:16:52,242 THAT'S HOW MUCH IT COST. 389 00:16:52,244 --> 00:16:54,178 HOW MUCH WILL IT COST? 390 00:16:54,180 --> 00:16:57,214 NO PAYMENTS TILL THE FOURTH OF JULY. 391 00:16:57,216 --> 00:16:58,315 UH-HUH! 392 00:16:58,317 --> 00:17:00,151 THEN HOW MUCH WILL IT COST? 393 00:17:12,064 --> 00:17:14,197 $45,000. 394 00:17:15,467 --> 00:17:17,134 PACK IT UP. 395 00:17:17,136 --> 00:17:19,436 THIS PIECE OF CRAP'S GOING BACK. 396 00:17:21,207 --> 00:17:22,406 [KNOCK ON DOOR] 397 00:17:22,408 --> 00:17:24,141 SALLY: DICK. 398 00:17:24,143 --> 00:17:26,911 WE'RE GOING TO THE TASTE OF RUTHERFORD'S STREET FESTIVAL. 399 00:17:26,913 --> 00:17:27,845 YOU COMING? 400 00:17:27,847 --> 00:17:29,146 COMING? 401 00:17:29,148 --> 00:17:30,881 I'M ALREADY THERE. 402 00:17:30,883 --> 00:17:32,516 THERE'S A LIVE VIDEO STREAM 403 00:17:32,518 --> 00:17:33,818 FROM THE ROOF OF THE BANK. 404 00:17:33,820 --> 00:17:36,420 IT LOOKS LIKE THE CHILI BOOTH IS THE PLACE TO BE. 405 00:17:40,793 --> 00:17:41,959 [KNOCK ON DOOR] 406 00:17:41,961 --> 00:17:43,327 TOMMY: DICK, WE'RE GOING TO A MOVIE. 407 00:17:43,329 --> 00:17:46,797 DON'T BOTHER ME. I'M PERFORMING VIRTUAL SURGERY. 408 00:17:46,799 --> 00:17:47,798 FINE. 409 00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:50,334 OH! LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO. 410 00:17:50,336 --> 00:17:51,335 SUCTION! 411 00:17:53,940 --> 00:17:55,139 [POUNDING ON DOOR] 412 00:17:55,141 --> 00:17:56,506 MARY: DICK, ARE YOU IN THERE? 413 00:17:56,508 --> 00:18:00,144 JUST SLIDE THE PIZZA UNDER THE DOOR, PLEASE. 414 00:18:01,214 --> 00:18:04,582 OH, MY GOD, DICK! 415 00:18:04,584 --> 00:18:07,551 YOU HAVEN'T BEEN TO WORK IN 3 DAYS. 416 00:18:07,553 --> 00:18:10,220 YOUR FAMILY IS SO CONCERNED THEY CALLED ME. 417 00:18:10,222 --> 00:18:11,989 THEY NEVER DO THAT. 418 00:18:11,991 --> 00:18:14,358 AHH, MY FAMILY. 419 00:18:14,360 --> 00:18:19,163 YES. SALLY, HARRY, AND THE LITTLE ONE. 420 00:18:19,165 --> 00:18:20,731 HOW ARE THEY? 421 00:18:20,733 --> 00:18:24,068 AGAIN, THEY'RE CONCERNED. 422 00:18:24,070 --> 00:18:28,806 DICK...I THINK YOU NEED A LITTLE FRESH AIR. 423 00:18:28,808 --> 00:18:31,074 I'M GOING TO TAKE YOU OUTSIDE. 424 00:18:31,076 --> 00:18:33,677 I CAN'T ALLOW THAT TO HAPPEN, MARY. 425 00:18:33,679 --> 00:18:35,279 GET UP! 426 00:18:36,749 --> 00:18:38,615 OW! 427 00:18:38,617 --> 00:18:39,683 WHOO! 428 00:18:41,287 --> 00:18:45,256 YOU'VE MADE ME SO ANGRY, MARY. 429 00:18:45,258 --> 00:18:47,291 OH, GO TO HELL! 430 00:18:49,195 --> 00:18:50,127 OH... 431 00:18:50,129 --> 00:18:52,229 SO BRIGHT. 432 00:19:02,308 --> 00:19:03,607 WHAT THE-- 433 00:19:03,609 --> 00:19:05,709 HEY, MISTER, THAT'S MY FRISBEE. 434 00:19:05,711 --> 00:19:06,944 ARE YOU TALKING TO ME? 435 00:19:06,946 --> 00:19:08,579 ARE YOU TALKING TO ME? 436 00:19:08,581 --> 00:19:09,680 YEAH. 437 00:19:09,682 --> 00:19:11,415 I'D ALMOST FORGOTTEN. 438 00:19:11,417 --> 00:19:13,283 THERE ARE REAL PEOPLE ON THIS PLANET. 439 00:19:13,285 --> 00:19:15,186 CAN I HAVE MY FRISBEE? 440 00:19:15,188 --> 00:19:16,587 GO LONG, YOUNG MAN. 441 00:19:16,589 --> 00:19:17,889 GO LONG! 442 00:19:17,891 --> 00:19:19,056 [GLASS BREAKS] 443 00:19:19,058 --> 00:19:21,959 NICE THROW, YA FREAK! 444 00:19:21,961 --> 00:19:24,294 WHAT AN ENCHANTING BOY. 445 00:19:41,881 --> 00:19:43,714 THERE IT IS, HARRY. 446 00:19:43,716 --> 00:19:45,148 WE HAD THAT ONE. 447 00:19:48,187 --> 00:19:51,154 SWEET MOTHER! 448 00:19:51,156 --> 00:19:54,124 THERE'S A PICTURE IN THE PICTURE! 449 00:19:55,495 --> 00:19:57,295 LOOK, EVERYBODY! 450 00:19:57,297 --> 00:19:59,463 I'M ALIVE! 451 00:19:59,465 --> 00:20:00,598 OHH! 452 00:20:00,600 --> 00:20:01,999 IT'S WONDERFUL. 453 00:20:02,001 --> 00:20:03,467 PEOPLE EVERYWHERE. 454 00:20:03,469 --> 00:20:04,802 OHH! 455 00:20:04,804 --> 00:20:07,538 I LOVE YOU ALL! 456 00:20:07,540 --> 00:20:08,772 THIS IS AMAZING. 457 00:20:08,774 --> 00:20:11,409 I CAN SMELL YOU. 458 00:20:11,411 --> 00:20:13,077 DICK! 459 00:20:13,079 --> 00:20:14,011 DICK, YOU'RE OUT. 460 00:20:14,013 --> 00:20:14,878 SALLY, HARRY, TOMMY. 461 00:20:14,880 --> 00:20:17,414 OHH! OHH! OHH! 462 00:20:17,416 --> 00:20:18,716 WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? 463 00:20:18,718 --> 00:20:19,850 CAN I HELP YOU? 464 00:20:19,852 --> 00:20:23,320 I'M RETURNING $60,000 WORTH OF MERCHANDISE 465 00:20:23,322 --> 00:20:24,321 TO YOU... 466 00:20:24,323 --> 00:20:26,357 MY BROTHER! 467 00:20:26,359 --> 00:20:28,725 I'M ON LUNCH. 468 00:20:28,727 --> 00:20:31,629 SALLY, I'VE MADE SUCH A MISTAKE. 469 00:20:31,631 --> 00:20:32,896 I THOUGHT ALL THIS TECHNOLOGY 470 00:20:32,898 --> 00:20:35,566 WOULD HELP ME WRAP MY ARMS AROUND HUMANKIND. 471 00:20:35,568 --> 00:20:36,734 BUT I WAS WRONG. 472 00:20:36,736 --> 00:20:39,102 ALL IT GAVE ME WAS A RAGING CASE 473 00:20:39,104 --> 00:20:41,171 OF CARPAL TUNNEL SYNDROME. 474 00:20:41,173 --> 00:20:44,341 SO WHAT ABOUT BEING CONNECTED TO THE WORLD WIDE WEB? 475 00:20:44,343 --> 00:20:45,909 I WASN'T CONNECTED TO ANYTHING. 476 00:20:45,911 --> 00:20:47,411 I WAS SEPARATED. 477 00:20:47,413 --> 00:20:50,313 AND THAT'S NOT WHAT WE CAME TO THIS PLANET FOR. 478 00:20:50,315 --> 00:20:52,082 THAT'S WHAT TECHNOLOGY DOES. 479 00:20:52,084 --> 00:20:53,417 TECHNOLOGY IS EVIL! 480 00:20:53,419 --> 00:20:55,218 DICK, JUST BECAUSE YOU WENT NUTS, 481 00:20:55,220 --> 00:20:57,455 THAT DOESN'T MEAN THAT ALL TECHNOLOGY IS EVIL. 482 00:20:57,457 --> 00:20:58,456 OF COURSE IT DOES. 483 00:20:58,458 --> 00:20:59,723 WHAT ABOUT, UH... 484 00:20:59,725 --> 00:21:01,492 MEDICAL TECHNOLOGY? 485 00:21:01,494 --> 00:21:03,527 MEDICAL TECHNOLOGY IS OK. 486 00:21:03,529 --> 00:21:05,529 OK, UH, WHAT ABOUT THE COMPUTERS 487 00:21:05,531 --> 00:21:07,498 THAT MAKE SURE AIRPLANES DON'T CRASH? 488 00:21:07,500 --> 00:21:09,600 THOSE I LIKE. BUT THAT'S IT. 489 00:21:09,602 --> 00:21:11,668 WELL, WHAT ABOUT THE MACHINE 490 00:21:11,670 --> 00:21:13,904 THAT PUTS THE CREAMY FILLING IN THE CUPCAKES? 491 00:21:13,906 --> 00:21:14,938 HARRY, NO! 492 00:21:14,940 --> 00:21:17,274 I'VE ALREADY DRAWN THE LINE. 493 00:21:18,710 --> 00:21:20,777 OH...WHO AM I KIDDING? 494 00:21:20,779 --> 00:21:23,747 I'M NOT GONNA MANUALLY INJECT CREAM INTO MY OWN CUPCAKES. 495 00:21:23,749 --> 00:21:27,551 THAT WOULD'VE BEEN CRAZY. 496 00:21:27,553 --> 00:21:28,619 CAN I HELP YOU, SIR? 497 00:21:28,621 --> 00:21:29,620 YES! 498 00:21:29,622 --> 00:21:31,788 I AM QUITE LIVID! 499 00:21:33,159 --> 00:21:34,791 CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY CARSEY-WERNER PRODUCTIONS 500 00:21:34,793 --> 00:21:36,259 AND THE NATIONAL BROADCASTING COMPANY 501 00:21:38,497 --> 00:21:40,231 IT'S BEAUTIFUL OUT HERE, ISN'T IT? 502 00:21:40,233 --> 00:21:41,631 YES, IT IS. 503 00:21:41,633 --> 00:21:43,033 THIS IS THE WAY IT SHOULD BE, MARY. 504 00:21:43,035 --> 00:21:46,737 JUST YOU AND ME AND THE STARS AND THE TREES 505 00:21:46,739 --> 00:21:48,739 AND NOTHING COMING BETWEEN US. 506 00:21:48,741 --> 00:21:49,806 [BEEPER BEEPS] 507 00:21:49,808 --> 00:21:53,077 OH, GREAT! HOW DO I TURN THIS THING OFF? 508 00:21:53,079 --> 00:21:54,811 HERE, LET ME SEE THAT. 509 00:21:54,813 --> 00:21:58,015 CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE, INC. 510 00:21:58,017 --> 00:22:02,019 PUBLIC PERFORMANCE OF CAPTIONS PROHIBITED WITHOUT PERMISSION OF NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE.