1 00:00:07,040 --> 00:00:08,874 [SNIGGERING] 2 00:00:08,876 --> 00:00:10,042 WHAT'S SO FUNNY? 3 00:00:10,044 --> 00:00:11,042 LOOK AT THE COVER 4 00:00:11,044 --> 00:00:13,511 OF THIS RIDICULOUS MAGAZINE. 5 00:00:13,513 --> 00:00:14,512 HARRISON FORD. 6 00:00:14,514 --> 00:00:15,814 OOH. LET ME SEE THAT. 7 00:00:15,816 --> 00:00:16,949 THEY'RE CALLING THIS UGLY NERD 8 00:00:16,951 --> 00:00:19,317 THE SEXIEST MAN ON EARTH. 9 00:00:19,319 --> 00:00:20,952 WELL, HE IS. 10 00:00:20,954 --> 00:00:22,020 OH, WAIT A MINUTE. 11 00:00:22,022 --> 00:00:23,188 YOU ACTUALLY THINK HE'S SEXY? 12 00:00:23,190 --> 00:00:25,790 I WOULDN'T KICK HIM OUT OF BED. 13 00:00:25,792 --> 00:00:26,791 I WOULD. 14 00:00:26,793 --> 00:00:27,892 HE'S GOT TO GO OUT AND WORK 15 00:00:27,894 --> 00:00:30,194 AND SUPPORT ME AND THE KIDS. 16 00:00:30,196 --> 00:00:32,631 OH, COME ON! I'M SEXIER THAN HE IS. 17 00:00:32,633 --> 00:00:35,567 ABSOLUTELY. HA HA HA! 18 00:00:35,569 --> 00:00:36,568 EXCUSE ME. 19 00:00:36,570 --> 00:00:38,136 HA HA HA! 20 00:00:39,606 --> 00:00:40,873 WELL, AT LEAST YOU THINK 21 00:00:40,875 --> 00:00:42,875 I'M SEXIER THAN HE IS, MARY. 22 00:00:42,877 --> 00:00:44,042 HUH? 23 00:00:44,044 --> 00:00:45,076 DON'T YOU? 24 00:00:45,078 --> 00:00:48,146 OH, COME ON, DICK. YOU'RE SEXY, BUT... 25 00:00:48,148 --> 00:00:50,849 YOU'RE NO HARRISON FORD. 26 00:00:50,851 --> 00:00:53,218 I AM TOO HARRISON FORD! 27 00:00:53,220 --> 00:00:54,486 OH, DICK... 28 00:00:54,488 --> 00:00:55,554 WELL, I AM! 29 00:00:55,556 --> 00:00:57,089 I HAVE TO GET TO CLASS. 30 00:00:57,091 --> 00:00:58,256 HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY SAY 31 00:00:58,258 --> 00:01:00,658 HARRISON FORD IS SEXIER THAN I AM? 32 00:01:00,660 --> 00:01:02,060 I MEAN, JUST BECAUSE HE'S GOT THOSE 33 00:01:02,062 --> 00:01:03,095 INCREDIBLE CHEEKBONES 34 00:01:03,097 --> 00:01:06,231 AND THAT PERFECTLY CHISELED JAW... 35 00:01:06,233 --> 00:01:09,367 AND THOSE PENETRATING BROWN EYES... 36 00:01:09,369 --> 00:01:11,236 THAT YOU COULD ALMOST... 37 00:01:11,238 --> 00:01:12,704 LOSE YOURSELF IN... 38 00:01:14,641 --> 00:01:16,174 IF YOU STARE AT THEM... 39 00:01:16,176 --> 00:01:18,743 LONG ENOUGH... 40 00:01:18,745 --> 00:01:20,078 WHOA! 41 00:01:21,548 --> 00:01:23,448 BUT I LOVE YOU. 42 00:01:23,450 --> 00:01:24,716 SEE YOU, DICK. 43 00:01:31,758 --> 00:01:34,092 OH, MY GOD! 44 00:01:35,396 --> 00:01:37,529 I'M HIDEOUS! 45 00:02:22,543 --> 00:02:24,142 OK, FINE. LIGHTS. 46 00:02:24,144 --> 00:02:26,511 ANY QUESTIONS, COMMENTS, ANYONE? 47 00:02:26,513 --> 00:02:28,112 ABOUT WHAT, DR. SOLOMON? 48 00:02:28,114 --> 00:02:29,447 WE'VE BEEN SITTING IN THE DARK FOR 10 MINUTES. 49 00:02:29,449 --> 00:02:30,449 YOU HAVEN'T SHOWED US A THING. 50 00:02:30,451 --> 00:02:32,050 I'VE BEEN SHOWING YOU MY FACE. 51 00:02:32,052 --> 00:02:34,653 WHAT DO YOU PEOPLE THINK OF MY FACE? 52 00:02:34,655 --> 00:02:37,422 ANYONE? UH, HOW ABOUT YOU, BUG? 53 00:02:37,424 --> 00:02:40,291 WHA...EXCUSE ME, SIR. YOUR, UH, YOUR WHAT? 54 00:02:40,293 --> 00:02:41,626 MY FACE! 55 00:02:41,628 --> 00:02:43,595 MY FACE. DO YOU FIND IT APPEALING 56 00:02:43,597 --> 00:02:45,263 IN AN INCREDIBLY HANDSOME, 57 00:02:45,265 --> 00:02:47,932 SEXIEST-MAN-ON-EARTH SORT OF WAY? 58 00:02:47,934 --> 00:02:50,135 YOU'RE SORT OF NOT MY TYPE. 59 00:02:51,972 --> 00:02:54,105 HOW ABOUT YOU, PITMAN? DO YOU FIND ME ATTRACTIVE? 60 00:02:54,107 --> 00:02:55,540 I'M SORRY, DR. SOLOMON. 61 00:02:55,542 --> 00:02:58,042 THE LAST TIME I ANSWERED THAT QUESTION IN SCHOOL, 62 00:02:58,044 --> 00:03:00,579 ONE THING LED TO ANOTHER, AND THEN MY BIOLOGY TEACHER 63 00:03:00,581 --> 00:03:03,815 WOUND UP ASKING ME TO KILL HER HUSBAND. 64 00:03:03,817 --> 00:03:05,384 EH, EH, LEON, 65 00:03:05,386 --> 00:03:06,918 YOU'LL GIVE ME A STRAIGHT ANSWER. 66 00:03:06,920 --> 00:03:07,920 ME? 67 00:03:07,922 --> 00:03:09,922 WELL, UH...DR. SOLOMON, 68 00:03:09,924 --> 00:03:11,557 I'VE ALWAYS FOUND HIGH CHEEKBONES 69 00:03:11,559 --> 00:03:13,024 TO BE VERY ATTRACTIVE. 70 00:03:13,026 --> 00:03:14,693 LIKE MINE? 71 00:03:14,695 --> 00:03:16,695 ACTUALLY, MORE LIKE PITMAN'S. 72 00:03:16,697 --> 00:03:17,795 WHAT? 73 00:03:17,797 --> 00:03:20,031 YEAH, BUT WHAT ABOUT ME? 74 00:03:20,033 --> 00:03:22,200 UH, DR. SOLOMON... 75 00:03:22,202 --> 00:03:24,268 LOOKS ARE VERY SUBJECTIVE. 76 00:03:24,270 --> 00:03:25,503 WELL, IS THAT YOUR SUBTLE WAY 77 00:03:25,505 --> 00:03:26,504 OF TELLING ME 78 00:03:26,506 --> 00:03:27,672 THAT YOU THINK I'M HOT? 79 00:03:29,008 --> 00:03:31,443 NO. 80 00:03:31,445 --> 00:03:33,945 OH, YEAH? WELL, YOU'RE NOT SO PRETTY YOURSELF! 81 00:03:37,851 --> 00:03:39,283 ...HARRISON FORD. 82 00:03:39,285 --> 00:03:40,719 WHAT'S WITH THE LONG FACE? 83 00:03:40,721 --> 00:03:41,720 LOOK, THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S SHAPED. 84 00:03:41,722 --> 00:03:44,255 I CAN'T HELP IT, OK? 85 00:03:44,257 --> 00:03:46,357 WHOA. WHAT'S YANKING YOUR PONYTAIL? 86 00:03:46,359 --> 00:03:48,093 I JUST DON'T GET IT. 87 00:03:48,095 --> 00:03:50,228 HARRISON FORD AND I HAVE ALL THE SAME PARTS: 88 00:03:50,230 --> 00:03:52,097 2 EYES, 2 EARS, A NOSE, AND A MOUTH. 89 00:03:52,099 --> 00:03:54,232 HOW COME THEY LOOK SO MUCH BETTER ON HIM? 90 00:03:54,234 --> 00:03:55,233 WELL, YOU KNOW, YOU COULD ALWAYS DO 91 00:03:55,235 --> 00:03:57,502 A LITTLE SNIP-SNIP JOB. 92 00:03:57,504 --> 00:03:59,704 IF YOU'RE SUGGESTING THAT I KIDNAP SOMEONE, 93 00:03:59,706 --> 00:04:00,738 CUT OFF HIS FACE, 94 00:04:00,740 --> 00:04:01,940 AND GLUE IT ONTO MY OWN, DON'T. 95 00:04:03,343 --> 00:04:05,777 BECAUSE THAT NEVER LOOKS AS GOOD AS IT SHOULD. 96 00:04:05,779 --> 00:04:07,946 I WAS TALKING ABOUT PLASTIC SURGERY. 97 00:04:07,948 --> 00:04:09,815 YEAH. YOU KNOW, 10 YEARS AGO 98 00:04:09,817 --> 00:04:12,117 I HAD MY BOOBS DONE. 99 00:04:12,119 --> 00:04:13,251 YOU DID? 100 00:04:13,253 --> 00:04:15,187 REDUCED 3 SIZES. 101 00:04:17,891 --> 00:04:19,524 PLASTIC SURGERY. 102 00:04:19,526 --> 00:04:21,926 OF COURSE! 103 00:04:21,928 --> 00:04:23,195 WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO WALK AROUND 104 00:04:23,197 --> 00:04:24,796 LOOKING LIKE A DRAB LUMP OF CLAY 105 00:04:24,798 --> 00:04:27,099 WHEN I CAN PAY SOMEONE TO...CHISEL ME 106 00:04:27,101 --> 00:04:29,234 INTO A PERFECT HUMAN SCULPTURE? 107 00:04:30,704 --> 00:04:31,770 YOU'RE NOT GOING TO GET 108 00:04:31,772 --> 00:04:33,137 YOUR BOOBS DONE, ARE YOU? 109 00:04:35,075 --> 00:04:36,942 I JUST MIGHT! 110 00:04:38,212 --> 00:04:39,944 THIS IS SO UNFAIR. 111 00:04:39,946 --> 00:04:41,212 IF EVERYONE CAN JUST PAY 112 00:04:41,214 --> 00:04:42,614 TO BE GOOD-LOOKING, 113 00:04:42,616 --> 00:04:44,315 IT TOTALLY CHEAPENS THINGS 114 00:04:44,317 --> 00:04:45,316 FOR THOSE OF US 115 00:04:45,318 --> 00:04:47,519 WHO ARE NATURALLY EXQUISITE. 116 00:04:47,521 --> 00:04:50,355 NATURAL? THERE'S NOTHING NATURAL ABOUT YOU. 117 00:04:50,357 --> 00:04:53,458 YOU PICKED YOUR BODY OUT OF A CATALOG. 118 00:04:53,460 --> 00:04:56,093 MINE CAME WITH A FREE TOTE BAG. 119 00:04:59,900 --> 00:05:01,366 HEY...LOOK... 120 00:05:01,368 --> 00:05:03,902 THE LITTLE HAND IS PICKING DICK'S NOSE. 121 00:05:03,904 --> 00:05:05,804 NOW CUT IT OUT! 122 00:05:05,806 --> 00:05:07,572 OK, 123 00:05:11,178 --> 00:05:12,577 I'M SORRY I HAD TO STEP OUT. 124 00:05:12,579 --> 00:05:14,979 I WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF A TATTOO REMOVAL. 125 00:05:14,981 --> 00:05:18,216 APPARENTLY, THIS GENTLEMAN HAS STOPPED LOVING HIS MOM. 126 00:05:18,218 --> 00:05:21,285 OK. NOW LET'S SEE WHAT WE CAN DO 127 00:05:21,287 --> 00:05:23,087 WITH...YOUR FACE. 128 00:05:23,089 --> 00:05:25,490 YEAH. CAN I SEE HOW I'D LOOK WITH A BIGGER CHIN? 129 00:05:25,492 --> 00:05:26,658 OF COURSE. 130 00:05:30,030 --> 00:05:31,429 BUT WITH A BIGGER CHIN, 131 00:05:31,431 --> 00:05:32,831 I'D NEED A BIGGER NOSE, RIGHT? 132 00:05:32,833 --> 00:05:34,398 WELL... 133 00:05:34,400 --> 00:05:35,366 OK. 134 00:05:38,972 --> 00:05:40,905 WHY STOP THERE? MAKE MY EARS BIGGER. 135 00:05:40,907 --> 00:05:42,674 YOUR EARS. 136 00:05:44,945 --> 00:05:47,479 NO, BIGGER. EVEN BIGGER. 137 00:05:47,481 --> 00:05:49,180 NO, LIKE AN ELEPHANT. BIGGER! EVEN BIGGER! 138 00:05:49,182 --> 00:05:50,815 DICK, DICK, DICK, DICK. 139 00:05:50,817 --> 00:05:52,617 SHH. CALM DOWN. SIT DOWN. 140 00:05:52,619 --> 00:05:54,753 I'M SORRY, DOCTOR. HE'S JUST A LITTLE OVEREXCITED 141 00:05:54,755 --> 00:05:56,354 ABOUT THE IDEA OF... LOOKING BETTER. 142 00:05:56,356 --> 00:05:58,623 HA! WELL, HE SHOULD BE, AND, UH... 143 00:05:58,625 --> 00:05:59,791 SO SHOULD YOU. 144 00:05:59,793 --> 00:06:01,927 OH, I'M NOT GETTING ANYTHING DONE. 145 00:06:01,929 --> 00:06:03,962 YOU'RE NOT? 146 00:06:03,964 --> 00:06:06,798 OH, I'M SORRY. I THOUGHT YOU WERE. 147 00:06:06,800 --> 00:06:09,234 THAT'S RIDICULOUS! 148 00:06:10,870 --> 00:06:12,737 HAVE YOU SEEN ME? 149 00:06:12,739 --> 00:06:14,706 I DON'T NEED ANYTHING DONE. 150 00:06:14,708 --> 00:06:15,740 I COULD MAKE YOU LOOK 151 00:06:15,742 --> 00:06:17,042 A LITTLE LESS TIRED, THAT'S ALL. 152 00:06:20,113 --> 00:06:21,279 LESS--LESS TIRED? 153 00:06:21,281 --> 00:06:22,313 IT WOULDN'T TAKE MUCH. 154 00:06:22,315 --> 00:06:23,648 I LOOK TIRED? 155 00:06:23,650 --> 00:06:24,749 HEY, DOC. 156 00:06:24,751 --> 00:06:26,084 WHAT CAN YOU DO FOR ME? 157 00:06:27,520 --> 00:06:29,187 OH, MY GOD! 158 00:06:31,124 --> 00:06:33,558 THE SYMMETRY OF THOSE CHEEKBONES! 159 00:06:33,560 --> 00:06:35,927 THAT CHIN... THAT AQUILINE NOSE... 160 00:06:35,929 --> 00:06:36,962 STOP! IT TICKLES! 161 00:06:36,964 --> 00:06:39,096 SURGICALLY SPEAKING, THIS MAN IS... 162 00:06:39,098 --> 00:06:40,097 PERFECT! 163 00:06:40,099 --> 00:06:41,098 WHAT? WHAT? 164 00:06:41,100 --> 00:06:42,133 BUT LOOK AT HIM! 165 00:06:42,135 --> 00:06:44,936 HIS EYES DON'T EVEN OPEN ALL THE WAY. 166 00:06:44,938 --> 00:06:48,539 YOU KNOW SOMETHING? YOU AND I... 167 00:06:48,541 --> 00:06:50,008 WE COULD BE BROTHERS. 168 00:06:54,681 --> 00:06:55,780 WOULD YOU LOOK AT THIS? 169 00:06:55,782 --> 00:06:57,482 I THINK I'VE FOUND THE PERFECT EARLOBE. 170 00:06:57,484 --> 00:06:58,749 IS THAT A BEAUT? 171 00:06:58,751 --> 00:06:59,985 HMM. 172 00:06:59,987 --> 00:07:01,486 IS THAT A DAVID DUCHOVNY? 173 00:07:01,488 --> 00:07:02,520 NO. IT... 174 00:07:02,522 --> 00:07:04,022 IT'S A REGIS PHILBIN. 175 00:07:04,024 --> 00:07:06,224 REALLY? 176 00:07:06,226 --> 00:07:07,926 NICE LOBES, REEGE. 177 00:07:07,928 --> 00:07:08,927 I DON'T KNOW ABOUT 178 00:07:08,929 --> 00:07:11,196 THIS PLASTIC SURGERY STUFF, DICK. 179 00:07:11,198 --> 00:07:14,399 I HEARD ABOUT A WOMAN WHO HAD A FACE-LIFT ONCE. 180 00:07:14,401 --> 00:07:16,801 THEY PULLED HER SKIN SO TIGHT 181 00:07:16,803 --> 00:07:18,436 THAT SHE COULDN'T BLINK. 182 00:07:18,438 --> 00:07:21,539 ONE MORNING, HER EYES DRIED UP 183 00:07:21,541 --> 00:07:23,575 AND FELL INTO HER RAISIN BRAN. 184 00:07:25,846 --> 00:07:29,180 SHE GOBBLED THEM RIGHT DOWN WITH THE FLAKES. 185 00:07:29,182 --> 00:07:31,182 WHOA. 186 00:07:31,184 --> 00:07:32,349 SO SHE COULD, LIKE, 187 00:07:32,351 --> 00:07:36,454 WATCH HERSELF EATING HER OWN EYEBALLS? 188 00:07:36,456 --> 00:07:38,590 WHAT A HORRIBLE TRUE STORY. 189 00:07:39,926 --> 00:07:40,925 HEY, GUYS! HEY. 190 00:07:40,927 --> 00:07:41,959 WHAT'S GOING ON? 191 00:07:41,961 --> 00:07:42,960 OH, WE'RE LOOKING FOR PERFECT 192 00:07:42,962 --> 00:07:44,028 FACIAL FEATURES SO DICK CAN SHOW 193 00:07:44,030 --> 00:07:45,797 THE DOCTOR WHAT HE WANTS TO LOOK LIKE. 194 00:07:45,799 --> 00:07:46,931 AND IT JUST SO HAPPENS 195 00:07:46,933 --> 00:07:49,467 THAT ALL THE MAGAZINES THAT CAME OUT THIS MONTH 196 00:07:49,469 --> 00:07:52,303 HAVE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE ON THEIR COVERS. 197 00:07:52,305 --> 00:07:53,872 TALK ABOUT A COINCIDENCE. 198 00:08:01,448 --> 00:08:02,680 HELLO, GENTLEMEN. 199 00:08:02,682 --> 00:08:05,783 OH, IT'S YOU AGAIN. 200 00:08:13,793 --> 00:08:15,059 HELLO THERE. 201 00:08:18,832 --> 00:08:21,166 I NEVER NOTICED HOW HANDSOME YOUR UNCLE IS. 202 00:08:21,168 --> 00:08:23,168 YEAH, WE KNOW. WE KNOW. 203 00:08:25,738 --> 00:08:26,804 HEY. 204 00:08:26,806 --> 00:08:28,073 OH, GOOD MORNING, SALLY. 205 00:08:28,075 --> 00:08:29,107 MORNING. 206 00:08:29,109 --> 00:08:30,908 HOW'D YOU SLEEP? 207 00:08:30,910 --> 00:08:33,577 WHY? DO I LOOK TIRED? 208 00:08:33,579 --> 00:08:34,879 NO. 209 00:08:34,881 --> 00:08:36,914 THEN WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME HOW I SLEPT? 210 00:08:36,916 --> 00:08:39,450 'CAUSE IT'S MORNING. 211 00:08:39,452 --> 00:08:41,385 'CAUSE I LOOK EXHAUSTED? 212 00:08:41,387 --> 00:08:43,288 'CAUSE... YOU JUST WOKE UP. 213 00:08:43,290 --> 00:08:45,423 MAYBE YOU SHOULD GO. 214 00:08:45,425 --> 00:08:46,725 BUT, SALLY, I-- 215 00:08:46,727 --> 00:08:48,126 PLEASE GO. 216 00:08:52,198 --> 00:08:53,197 SALLY, I'M SORRY 217 00:08:53,199 --> 00:08:55,233 ABOUT THAT WHOLE SLEEP THING. 218 00:08:56,503 --> 00:08:58,470 I WAS OUT OF LINE. 219 00:09:08,648 --> 00:09:10,148 OH... 220 00:09:10,150 --> 00:09:12,383 NINA... 221 00:09:12,385 --> 00:09:16,321 I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT AFTER MY SURGERY, 222 00:09:16,323 --> 00:09:19,990 I'M GOING TO BE DEVASTATINGLY HANDSOME. 223 00:09:19,992 --> 00:09:21,559 IT'S GOING TO BE VERY DIFFICULT FOR YOU 224 00:09:21,561 --> 00:09:23,461 TO KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF OF ME. 225 00:09:23,463 --> 00:09:24,628 OH, REALLY? 226 00:09:24,630 --> 00:09:27,165 BUT NO MATTER HOW GORGEOUS I LOOK, 227 00:09:27,167 --> 00:09:30,435 IT'LL STILL BE ME UNDERNEATH, AND, UH, 228 00:09:30,437 --> 00:09:33,004 I'M STILL NOT ATTRACTED TO YOU. 229 00:09:34,407 --> 00:09:36,407 AND I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW 230 00:09:36,409 --> 00:09:38,243 THAT IF YOU NEVER CAME OUT OF ANESTHESIA, 231 00:09:38,245 --> 00:09:39,977 THAT THAT WOULD BE OK WITH ME. 232 00:09:41,982 --> 00:09:44,816 THANK YOU. THAT IS SO SWEET. 233 00:09:44,818 --> 00:09:47,485 YOU'RE ACTUALLY GETTING PLASTIC SURGERY? 234 00:09:47,487 --> 00:09:48,987 YES, MARY. 235 00:09:48,989 --> 00:09:49,988 YEAH. I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THIS 236 00:09:49,990 --> 00:09:51,389 LONG AND HARD-- 237 00:09:51,391 --> 00:09:53,457 WELL, NOT LONG, BUT HARD... 238 00:09:55,195 --> 00:09:56,761 NOT EVEN HARD. 239 00:09:56,763 --> 00:09:58,329 BUT WHY? 240 00:09:58,331 --> 00:10:00,198 2 WORDS, MARY. 241 00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:01,465 YOU. 242 00:10:05,838 --> 00:10:06,838 ME? 243 00:10:06,840 --> 00:10:08,239 OH, COME ON. DON'T PLAY DUMB. 244 00:10:08,241 --> 00:10:09,506 YOU'RE THE ONE WHO SAID 245 00:10:09,508 --> 00:10:10,909 YOU WISHED I LOOKED LIKE HARRISON FORD. 246 00:10:10,911 --> 00:10:12,510 I NEVER SAID THAT! 247 00:10:12,512 --> 00:10:14,678 OH, PLEASE! IF HARRISON FORD AND I 248 00:10:14,680 --> 00:10:16,147 WERE BOTH STANDING IN THIS ROOM RIGHT NOW 249 00:10:16,149 --> 00:10:17,448 PROFESSING OUR UNDYING LOVE TO YOU, 250 00:10:17,450 --> 00:10:18,783 WHO WOULD YOU CHOOSE? 251 00:10:18,785 --> 00:10:20,585 DON'T BE SILLY-- WHO?! 252 00:10:20,587 --> 00:10:22,787 IS HE DIVORCED? 253 00:10:22,789 --> 00:10:24,021 YOU SEE? 254 00:10:24,023 --> 00:10:26,691 DICK... 255 00:10:26,693 --> 00:10:29,127 THIS IS THE FACE I FELL IN LOVE WITH, 256 00:10:29,129 --> 00:10:32,430 AND THIS IS THE FACE I'M STILL IN LOVE WITH. 257 00:10:34,801 --> 00:10:36,201 DO YOU MEAN IT? 258 00:10:36,203 --> 00:10:38,269 I DO. 259 00:10:38,271 --> 00:10:40,571 YEAH. NICE TRY, ALBRIGHT! 260 00:10:49,516 --> 00:10:51,649 ALL RIGHT, DICK, YOU READY? 261 00:10:55,421 --> 00:10:56,354 GOOD. 262 00:10:57,423 --> 00:10:58,857 HERE WE GO. 263 00:11:00,127 --> 00:11:03,060 [HEARTBEAT] 264 00:11:10,237 --> 00:11:11,602 UHH! UHH! 265 00:11:16,676 --> 00:11:17,675 GOOD WORK, TOMMY. 266 00:11:17,677 --> 00:11:19,110 THAT'S EXACTLY HOW I WANT YOU 267 00:11:19,112 --> 00:11:21,546 TO REMOVE THE GAUZE AFTER MY SURGERY. 268 00:11:24,183 --> 00:11:25,282 WAIT A MINUTE. 269 00:11:25,284 --> 00:11:27,018 YOU'RE REALLY GONNA STOP WITH THE FACE? 270 00:11:27,020 --> 00:11:28,019 WHAT DO YOU MEAN? 271 00:11:28,021 --> 00:11:29,020 TAKE OFF THE ROBE. 272 00:11:29,022 --> 00:11:30,021 WHAT? 273 00:11:30,023 --> 00:11:31,222 TAKE IT OFF! 274 00:11:35,061 --> 00:11:36,060 WHAT IS THAT? 275 00:11:36,062 --> 00:11:37,061 WHAT? 276 00:11:37,063 --> 00:11:39,130 WELL... FIRST OF ALL, 277 00:11:39,132 --> 00:11:40,931 THIS WHOLE AREA 278 00:11:40,933 --> 00:11:42,633 NEEDS TO BE SUCKED OUT. 279 00:11:42,635 --> 00:11:43,901 YOU THINK? 280 00:11:43,903 --> 00:11:45,069 WHO'S THE HANDSOMEST GUY HERE? 281 00:11:45,071 --> 00:11:46,070 YOU. 282 00:11:46,072 --> 00:11:47,071 ALL RIGHT. 283 00:11:47,073 --> 00:11:48,840 AND, UH... LET'S NOT FORGET ABOUT 284 00:11:48,842 --> 00:11:50,408 THE PECTORAL IMPLANTS. 285 00:11:50,410 --> 00:11:51,609 MMM. YEAH. 286 00:11:51,611 --> 00:11:54,645 NOW, SHOULD WE GO IN, UH... 287 00:11:54,647 --> 00:11:57,915 THROUGH THE ARMPITS OR THE NIPPLES? 288 00:11:59,586 --> 00:12:02,287 I'D REMOVE THE NIPPLES. 289 00:12:02,289 --> 00:12:03,288 REMOVE THEM COMPLETELY? 290 00:12:03,290 --> 00:12:04,288 IN A SECOND. 291 00:12:04,290 --> 00:12:06,091 YEAH, BUT THEN... 292 00:12:06,093 --> 00:12:07,625 I'D SEW 'EM BACK ON... 293 00:12:08,695 --> 00:12:10,395 UP HERE. 294 00:12:13,366 --> 00:12:14,932 WELL...THAT'S NOT A LITTLE HIGH? 295 00:12:14,934 --> 00:12:16,734 NO, NO. THEY'LL EXTEND THE TORSO 296 00:12:16,736 --> 00:12:18,302 AND MAKE THE WHOLE PACKAGE APPEAR LEANER. 297 00:12:19,372 --> 00:12:20,371 I SEE. 298 00:12:20,373 --> 00:12:21,372 WELL, IF YOU'RE GONNA DO THAT, 299 00:12:21,374 --> 00:12:23,274 YOU MIGHT AS WELL PUT 'EM UP HERE. 300 00:12:23,276 --> 00:12:24,275 ON THE SHOULDERS? 301 00:12:24,277 --> 00:12:25,276 WHY NOT? 302 00:12:25,278 --> 00:12:26,277 I LIKE IT. 303 00:12:26,279 --> 00:12:27,344 THAT'S GOOD. 304 00:12:27,346 --> 00:12:28,412 AND LET'S REMOVE A COUPLE RIBS, SHALL WE? 305 00:12:28,414 --> 00:12:29,413 I HATE MY RIBS. 306 00:12:29,415 --> 00:12:31,883 MMM, YEAH. OH, AND, UH... 307 00:12:31,885 --> 00:12:33,717 RIGHT ABOUT HERE. 308 00:12:35,521 --> 00:12:36,954 WHAT'S THAT FOR? 309 00:12:36,956 --> 00:12:38,222 THAT'S FOR LATER. 310 00:12:44,397 --> 00:12:47,031 UNBELIEVABLE. LOOK AT ALL THESE MAGAZINES. 311 00:12:47,033 --> 00:12:48,566 EVERYTHING REVOLVES AROUND 312 00:12:48,568 --> 00:12:50,201 THE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE. 313 00:12:50,203 --> 00:12:51,836 THEY HAVE IT ALL. I MEAN... 314 00:12:51,838 --> 00:12:53,704 HOW ARE THE REST OF US SUPPOSED TO COMPETE? 315 00:12:53,706 --> 00:12:56,140 WELL, YOU GOT A BIG HUNK OF CELERY IN YOUR TEETH, 316 00:12:56,142 --> 00:12:57,508 AND THAT WON'T HELP. 317 00:12:57,510 --> 00:12:58,509 THANKS. 318 00:12:58,511 --> 00:12:59,677 LOOK AT THIS. 319 00:12:59,679 --> 00:13:02,146 EVERY BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IS WITH A BEAUTIFUL GUY. 320 00:13:02,148 --> 00:13:03,314 YEAH, WE DO TEND TO GRAVITATE 321 00:13:03,316 --> 00:13:05,483 TO OUR OWN KIND. 322 00:13:06,886 --> 00:13:09,820 MAN, HOW DID A GORGEOUS GUY LIKE DON 323 00:13:09,822 --> 00:13:13,057 END UP WITH A DOUBLE-BAGGER LIKE ME? 324 00:13:13,059 --> 00:13:16,027 IT'S A BRAIN-TEASER. 325 00:13:17,263 --> 00:13:18,763 IT'S WRONG. 326 00:13:18,765 --> 00:13:21,198 IT IS WRONG, HARRY. 327 00:13:21,200 --> 00:13:22,199 I MEAN, THIS-- 328 00:13:22,201 --> 00:13:25,003 THIS IS THE LIFE DON SHOULD BE LIVING. 329 00:13:25,005 --> 00:13:26,070 HE SHOULD BE THE DUDE 330 00:13:26,072 --> 00:13:28,172 WITH THE HOT BABE ON HIS SHOULDERS, 331 00:13:28,174 --> 00:13:30,008 AND HE SHOULD BE ON THE JET-SKI 332 00:13:30,010 --> 00:13:32,710 WITH A MENTHOL CIGARETTE IN HIS MOUTH... 333 00:13:32,712 --> 00:13:34,812 BUT HE'S NOT. 334 00:13:34,814 --> 00:13:37,715 BECAUSE I'M DRAGGIN' HIM DOWN. 335 00:13:37,717 --> 00:13:40,518 I'M DRAGGIN' MY BEAUTIFUL DONNY DOWN. 336 00:13:40,520 --> 00:13:42,187 MMM. YOU KNOW, I DIDN'T WANT TO SAY ANYTHING, 337 00:13:42,189 --> 00:13:44,022 BUT YOU TOTALLY ARE. 338 00:13:45,157 --> 00:13:47,258 THANKS, HARRY. 339 00:13:47,260 --> 00:13:48,726 NOW I KNOW WHAT TO DO. 340 00:13:48,728 --> 00:13:51,895 MM-HMM. ALL RIGHT, WE'LL SEE YOU LATER. 341 00:13:51,897 --> 00:13:54,265 WELL, HELLO. 342 00:14:03,943 --> 00:14:07,311 DICK, BE READY FOR YOU IN A FEW MINUTES. 343 00:14:07,313 --> 00:14:08,379 ARE YOU NERVOUS? 344 00:14:08,381 --> 00:14:10,080 WELL, A LITTLE. 345 00:14:10,082 --> 00:14:11,182 DON'T BE. 346 00:14:11,184 --> 00:14:13,351 PLASTIC SURGERY IS GOING TO IMPROVE YOUR LIFE. 347 00:14:13,353 --> 00:14:14,351 IT DID MINE. 348 00:14:14,353 --> 00:14:15,752 YOU HAD PLASTIC SURGERY? 349 00:14:15,754 --> 00:14:17,821 OH, NO. 350 00:14:17,823 --> 00:14:20,391 BUT IT DID BUY ME A YACHT. 351 00:14:25,131 --> 00:14:26,263 WELL, OLD FACE, 352 00:14:26,265 --> 00:14:29,266 THIS IS THE LAST TIME I'LL BE SEEING YOU. 353 00:14:29,268 --> 00:14:30,368 I'D SAY GOOD-BYE, 354 00:14:30,370 --> 00:14:33,037 BUT GOOD RIDDANCE IS MORE LIKE IT. 355 00:14:33,039 --> 00:14:35,272 HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH. LOOK AT THIS FOREHEAD. 356 00:14:35,274 --> 00:14:37,041 ALL MOTTLED AND WRINKLED 357 00:14:37,043 --> 00:14:40,677 FROM YEARS OF TORTURED THOUGHTS AND... 358 00:14:40,679 --> 00:14:43,714 AND GENTLE RUMINATIONS. 359 00:14:43,716 --> 00:14:46,217 I'M CERTAINLY NOT GOING TO MISS THAT. 360 00:14:46,219 --> 00:14:48,920 OR THIS CHIN, FOR THAT MATTER, 361 00:14:48,922 --> 00:14:49,921 ALL SCRATCHED AND SCARRED 362 00:14:49,923 --> 00:14:52,290 FROM SHAVING IN A RUSH SO OFTEN, 363 00:14:52,292 --> 00:14:55,159 TRYING TO GET TO WORK ON TIME OR... 364 00:14:55,161 --> 00:14:57,828 OR TO MARY'S HOUSE... 365 00:14:57,830 --> 00:14:59,063 TO PICK HER UP FOR A DATE. 366 00:14:59,065 --> 00:15:00,764 I REMEMBER THIS ONE. 367 00:15:00,766 --> 00:15:04,001 I WAS RUSHING OFF TO TAKE HER ON A PICNIC. 368 00:15:04,003 --> 00:15:06,570 IT STARTED TO RAIN, 369 00:15:06,572 --> 00:15:08,005 SO WE HAD TO EAT WET TUNA SANDWICHES 370 00:15:08,007 --> 00:15:10,341 IN AN OUTHOUSE. 371 00:15:11,577 --> 00:15:14,412 THAT WAS SO NICE. 372 00:15:14,414 --> 00:15:16,480 SO, GOOD-BYE, OLD CHIN. 373 00:15:16,482 --> 00:15:18,749 YOU'LL BE FACING THE LASER SOON. 374 00:15:18,751 --> 00:15:22,320 AND GOOD-BYE TO YOU, OLD NOSE. 375 00:15:22,322 --> 00:15:24,822 AND TAKE CARE, OLD EARS. 376 00:15:24,824 --> 00:15:28,058 AND YOU, TOO, OLD LIPS. 377 00:15:29,863 --> 00:15:33,030 AND TAKE CARE OF YOURSELVES...EYES. 378 00:15:35,702 --> 00:15:38,035 OH, MY GOD. 379 00:15:38,037 --> 00:15:39,237 WHAT AM I DOING? 380 00:15:40,873 --> 00:15:42,874 ALL RIGHT, DICK, WE'RE READY FOR YOU NOW. 381 00:15:42,876 --> 00:15:44,475 WELL, WE'RE NOT READY FOR YOU! 382 00:15:44,477 --> 00:15:45,476 WHAT? 383 00:15:45,478 --> 00:15:47,311 I'M NOT GONNA CHANGE THIS FACE! 384 00:15:47,313 --> 00:15:48,512 THIS FACE IS A SCRAPBOOK 385 00:15:48,514 --> 00:15:51,882 DEDICATED TO WHO I AM, DAMN IT! 386 00:15:51,884 --> 00:15:54,819 AND, BY GOD, I'M GORGEOUS! 387 00:15:56,323 --> 00:15:58,356 NO! YOU'RE NOT! 388 00:15:58,358 --> 00:15:59,823 SCREW YOU! 389 00:16:05,231 --> 00:16:08,165 [IMITATING AIRPLANE] 390 00:16:10,870 --> 00:16:12,569 DON! 391 00:16:14,307 --> 00:16:16,374 HEY, SALLY. 392 00:16:16,376 --> 00:16:17,975 CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A SECOND? 393 00:16:19,879 --> 00:16:23,347 SURE. WHAT'S GOIN' ON? 394 00:16:23,349 --> 00:16:24,548 I THINK YOU KNOW. 395 00:16:24,550 --> 00:16:26,383 I THINK YOU'VE KNOWN FOR A LONG TIME. 396 00:16:29,055 --> 00:16:31,555 I REALLY DON'T. 397 00:16:31,557 --> 00:16:34,191 COME ON, DON. STOP PRETENDING. 398 00:16:34,193 --> 00:16:35,259 YOU AND I BOTH KNOW 399 00:16:35,261 --> 00:16:36,994 THAT A RELATIONSHIP CANNOT LAST 400 00:16:36,996 --> 00:16:39,397 WHEN ONE OF THE PEOPLE LOOKS LIKE ME... 401 00:16:39,399 --> 00:16:41,098 AND THE OTHER LOOKS LIKE YOU. 402 00:16:41,100 --> 00:16:44,769 DAMN IT! I KNEW ONE DAY YOU'D WAKE UP 403 00:16:44,771 --> 00:16:46,904 AND REALIZE WHAT WAS GOIN' ON. 404 00:16:46,906 --> 00:16:48,573 DON'T KICK YOURSELF, DONNY. 405 00:16:48,575 --> 00:16:49,907 WE GAVE IT OUR BEST SHOT. 406 00:16:49,909 --> 00:16:52,009 I THOUGHT WE WERE BEYOND LOOKS, SALLY. 407 00:16:52,011 --> 00:16:54,678 COME ON, DON. LOOK AT YOU. 408 00:16:54,680 --> 00:16:56,247 HOW COULD WE GET BEYOND THAT? 409 00:17:00,586 --> 00:17:02,854 YEAH, I GUESS SO. 410 00:17:02,856 --> 00:17:05,056 DON'T GET ME WRONG. 411 00:17:05,058 --> 00:17:08,592 I APPRECIATE YOUR KINDNESS. 412 00:17:08,594 --> 00:17:10,461 NOT MANY MEN WOULD HANG IN THERE 413 00:17:10,463 --> 00:17:13,598 WITH A GAL AS UNATTRACTIVE AS ME. 414 00:17:13,600 --> 00:17:14,865 WHAT? 415 00:17:16,603 --> 00:17:18,703 DON'T MAKE ME SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU, DON. 416 00:17:18,705 --> 00:17:20,104 I KNOW I'M AS UGLY AS THEY COME. 417 00:17:20,106 --> 00:17:22,373 I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW YOU CAN STAND TO LOOK AT ME. 418 00:17:32,619 --> 00:17:36,621 WELL, SALLY, I'M NOT GONNA LIE TO YA. 419 00:17:36,623 --> 00:17:38,789 IT'S BEEN HARD. 420 00:17:38,791 --> 00:17:41,259 IT'S BEEN A REAL STRUGGLE. 421 00:17:41,261 --> 00:17:42,726 AND GRANTED, WE'LL CONTINUE TO GET 422 00:17:42,728 --> 00:17:44,362 STARES OUT IN PUBLIC, 423 00:17:44,364 --> 00:17:48,432 BUT...THAT'S A PRICE I'M WILLING TO PAY... 424 00:17:48,434 --> 00:17:50,367 BECAUSE I LOVE YOU. 425 00:17:56,041 --> 00:17:57,107 OH, DONNY! 426 00:17:57,109 --> 00:17:58,108 OH, HO HO! 427 00:17:58,110 --> 00:18:00,711 THANK YOU! THANK YOU! 428 00:18:07,587 --> 00:18:10,054 WELL, MARY, WHAT DO YOU THINK? 429 00:18:10,056 --> 00:18:11,755 YOU DIDN'T GET ANYTHING DONE. 430 00:18:11,757 --> 00:18:14,458 NO. LOOK, MARY, I KNOW HOW MUCH 431 00:18:14,460 --> 00:18:16,560 YOU WANTED ME TO HAVE THAT SURGERY. 432 00:18:16,562 --> 00:18:17,828 I NEVER WANTED YOU-- 433 00:18:17,830 --> 00:18:18,962 NO, NO! 434 00:18:18,964 --> 00:18:21,965 BUT WHEN I GOT IN THERE, I REALIZED THIS FACE... 435 00:18:21,967 --> 00:18:23,467 IS MY FACE! 436 00:18:23,469 --> 00:18:25,803 IT'S LIKE A MUSEUM OF MY LIFE, 437 00:18:25,805 --> 00:18:27,738 ESPECIALLY MY LIFE WITH YOU. 438 00:18:27,740 --> 00:18:28,806 SO, IF YOU'VE GROWN TIRED 439 00:18:28,808 --> 00:18:32,209 OF THIS DUSTY, DRAFTY OLD MUSEUM, 440 00:18:32,211 --> 00:18:35,480 MAYBE YOU SHOULD JUST GO TO THE GUGGENHEIM. 441 00:18:35,482 --> 00:18:38,382 OH, DICK, DICK... 442 00:18:38,384 --> 00:18:39,950 I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GOING THROUGH. 443 00:18:39,952 --> 00:18:41,519 I'VE BEEN THERE MYSELF. 444 00:18:41,521 --> 00:18:42,986 YOU HAVE? 445 00:18:42,988 --> 00:18:45,222 YES, AS A MATTER OF FACT, 446 00:18:45,224 --> 00:18:47,124 A FEW YEARS AGO, I-- 447 00:18:47,126 --> 00:18:49,627 I WAS THINKING ABOUT HAVING SOME WORK DONE ON... 448 00:18:49,629 --> 00:18:51,395 MY NOSE. 449 00:18:51,397 --> 00:18:52,896 YOUR NOSE? 450 00:18:52,898 --> 00:18:54,765 YES, I THOUGHT IF IT WAS JUST A LITTLE LONGER-- 451 00:18:54,767 --> 00:18:57,368 NO, NO, BUT I LOVE YOUR NOSE. 452 00:18:57,370 --> 00:18:58,702 YOU DO? 453 00:18:58,704 --> 00:19:01,705 THE WAY IT SCRUNCHES UP WHEN YOU SMILE. 454 00:19:01,707 --> 00:19:03,941 IT REALLY DOES? 455 00:19:03,943 --> 00:19:05,876 AND THOSE EARS... 456 00:19:06,979 --> 00:19:10,414 I LOVE IT WHEN YOU LET ME NIBBLE ON THEM. 457 00:19:11,484 --> 00:19:12,984 I KINDA LIKE THAT, TOO. 458 00:19:12,986 --> 00:19:15,987 AND THOSE EYES... 459 00:19:15,989 --> 00:19:18,322 LIKE 2 CLEAR BLUE WINDOWS 460 00:19:18,324 --> 00:19:21,625 INTO THE DEEPEST SOUL I'VE EVER KNOWN. 461 00:19:21,627 --> 00:19:24,227 OH, DICK. 462 00:19:24,229 --> 00:19:28,198 OH, MARY. 463 00:19:28,200 --> 00:19:29,199 SORRY ABOUT THE LIGHTS. 464 00:19:29,201 --> 00:19:30,367 MY COFFEE MAKER BLEW A CIRCUIT. 465 00:19:30,369 --> 00:19:32,570 I'M GOING TO CHECK THE BREAKER. 466 00:19:38,544 --> 00:19:41,078 MY GOD, YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL. 467 00:19:41,080 --> 00:19:42,379 SO ARE YOU. 468 00:19:42,381 --> 00:19:44,315 YEAH, I KNOW. 469 00:19:51,424 --> 00:19:52,856 YOU KNOW, THEY SAY THAT BEAUTY IS IN 470 00:19:52,858 --> 00:19:54,625 THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDER, 471 00:19:54,627 --> 00:19:55,660 WHEN IN REALITY, 472 00:19:55,662 --> 00:19:59,196 IT'S IN THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDEE. 473 00:19:59,198 --> 00:20:00,331 WELL, WHAT ARE YOU SAYING? 474 00:20:00,333 --> 00:20:01,399 IF I THINK I'M ATTRACTIVE, 475 00:20:01,401 --> 00:20:02,399 I ACTUALLY AM? 476 00:20:02,401 --> 00:20:04,635 NO, TOMMY, NOT YOU. ME. 477 00:20:05,804 --> 00:20:08,305 NOT YOU. MM-MMM. 478 00:20:08,307 --> 00:20:10,440 YOU KNOW WHAT I REALIZED? 479 00:20:10,442 --> 00:20:12,943 IT'S NOT IMPORTANT WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE. 480 00:20:12,945 --> 00:20:16,447 WHAT'S IMPORTANT IS WHO YOU ARE ON THE INSIDE. 481 00:20:17,717 --> 00:20:19,950 [LAUGHING] 482 00:20:19,952 --> 00:20:21,919 THAT'S HILARIOUS! 483 00:20:21,921 --> 00:20:23,020 WHERE'D YOU HEAR THAT, LENO? 484 00:20:23,022 --> 00:20:25,155 NO, NO, I MADE IT UP MYSELF. I SWEAR! 485 00:20:25,157 --> 00:20:26,557 YOU SHOULD WRITE FOR LENO. 486 00:20:26,559 --> 00:20:28,459 I KNOW! 487 00:20:28,461 --> 00:20:30,928 [COLLECTIVE SIGH] 488 00:20:32,098 --> 00:20:35,666 WELL, I, FOR ONE, AM TIRED OF BEING HANDSOME. 489 00:20:35,668 --> 00:20:37,434 YOU KNOW, ALL PEOPLE SEE WHEN THEY LOOK AT ME 490 00:20:37,436 --> 00:20:38,736 IS A PRETTY FACE, 491 00:20:38,738 --> 00:20:39,737 AND THEN THEY END UP TREATING ME 492 00:20:39,739 --> 00:20:41,738 LIKE I'M AN IDIOT. 493 00:20:41,740 --> 00:20:44,141 YOU ARE AN IDIOT. 494 00:20:44,143 --> 00:20:46,577 SEE? THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT. FORGET IT. 495 00:20:46,579 --> 00:20:48,578 I'M NOT GONNA BE HANDSOME ANYMORE. 496 00:20:48,580 --> 00:20:50,747 YOU CAN'T JUST STOP BEING HANDSOME, HARRY. 497 00:20:50,749 --> 00:20:52,483 OH, NO?