Tommy: INFORMATION OFFICER'S LOG:
LAST TIME ON 3rd ROCK FROM THE SUN...
AS ALISSA WAS HELPING ME
WRITE MY VALEDICTORIAN SPEECH,
SALLY MISUNDERSTOOD AND THOUGHT ALISSA WAS BREAKING UP WITH ME.
JUST LIKE SALLY TO DO SOMETHING TOTALLY STUPID.
LISTEN, TOMMY'S BREAKING UP WITH YOU.
THE BIG GIANT HEAD RETURNED TO EARTH WITH VICKI DUBCEK,
HIS NEW WIFE AND QUEEN.
BUT SHE WAS NOT HAPPY TO FIND OUT
ABOUT HARRY'S NEW RELATIONSHIP WITH JANICE.
THE QUEEN...
IS PISSED.
WHILE THAT WASN'T BAD ENOUGH,
THE BIG GIANT HEAD WON'T LEAVE DICK ALONE.
IT'S REALLY KINDA CREEPY.
WE STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT.
BECAUSE I AM...
YOUR FATHER.
SALLY, HAVE YOU BEEN TO MY SCHOOL LATELY?
NO!
OH--Y--
YES, I WAS.
I WAS THERE. UM...
I BROKE UP WITH ALISSA FOR YOU.
AH HA!
WHY...WOULD YOU DO THAT?
SHE WAS GONNA DUMP YOU FIRST.
I DIDN'T WANT TO SEE MY BABY GET HURT.
I AM NOT YOUR BABY!
I'M OLDER THAN ALL OF YOU,
AND IT'S TIME YOU START TREATING ME THAT WAY!
OK, WELL, NOW I KNOW WHY ALISSA WAS GONNA DUMP YOU.
YOU'RE VERY MOODY.
SALLY! HARRY!
TOMMY!
I HAVE SOME ASTOUNDING NEWS!
WHAT'S GOIN' ON, DICK?
YOU GUYS KNOW THE BIG GIANT HEAD, RIGHT?
YEAH. UH-HUH.
WELL, YOU'RE NOT GONNA BELIEVE THIS,
BUT HE'S MY-- HE'S MY FATHER!
WHAT?! NO WAY!
THAT'S JUST LIKE IN STAR WARS
WHEN LUKE SKYWALKER FINDS OUT THAT DARTH VADER'S HIS FATHER!
OH, GROW UP, TOMMY.
THAT WAS POPULAR ENTERTAINMENT.
THIS IS REAL LIFE!
I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT!
THAT'S WHY I WASN'T MADE HIGH COMMANDER.
DADDY WAS PLAYING FAVORITES!
OH, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO FEEL!
WHO AM I?!
WELL, LET ME SEE...
YOUR FIRST NAME'S DICK...
YOUR NEW LAST NAME IS HEAD...
SO I GUESS THAT WOULD MAKE--
OH, MY GOD.
ARE YOU SURE THIS IS WHAT FATHERS AND SONS DO?
YEAH.
TRUST ME.
I SAW IT ON A KODAK COMMERCIAL.
HOW LONG DO WE DRAG OUR STRINGS IN THE WATER?
I GUESS UNTIL SOMEBODY TAKES OUR PICTURE...
AND THEN PROCESSES IT ON KODAK PAPER.
CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING, SIR?
WELL, SURE, SON.
WHY DID YOU WAIT UNTIL NOW
TO TELL ME YOU'RE MY FATHER?
WELL, I'VE BEEN VERY BUSY!
BUT NOW...I WANT TO FIND NEW MEANING IN MY LIFE.
AND PLEASE... CALL ME DAD.
I COULDN'T DO THAT,
NOT AFTER EONS OF YOU BEING
MY UNPREDICTABLE AND DOMINEERING OVERLORD.
THAT'S A SHORT LEAP TO DAD.
THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH MY STRING.
IT'S A FISH!
SIR!
OH! AAH!
YOU GOT A FISH!
LOOK OUT! OH!
I'LL SAVE YOU, SIR!
JUST--THROW IT AWAY!
GET IT OUT OF HERE! OH! OH! OH!
IT'S ALL RIGHT. WE'RE SAFE NOW.
YOU WERE VERY BRAVE, SON.
SO WERE YOU, DAD.
YOU SEE!
THAT WASN'T HARD, WAS IT?
I GUESS NOT...
DAD.
POPS.
OLD MAN.
GEEZER! BAG OF BONES!
DAD!
DAD.
THE FISH WE GOT IN THE MARKET
HAVE A LOT LESS ATTITUDE THAN THE ONES IN THE LAKE.
NINA, COULD YOU BEHEAD AND FILET THESE FOR US?
WE'RE BOTH STARVING.
OH, I'D BE HAPPY TO!
WOULD YOU LIKE THEM GRILLED OR SAUTÉED?
YOU ARE SUCH A SWEETHEART.
[GIGGLING]
ISN'T SHE GREAT?
DICK...I WANNA KNOW WHO YOU ARE,
WHO YOU SURROUND YOURSELF WITH.
I THINK WE SHOULD HAVE A BIG PARTY TONIGHT,
AND I WANT YOU TO INVITE THAT SPECIAL YOUNG LADY OF YOURS.
TONIGHT? SHE CAN'T COME.
BUSY?
NO. SHE HATES YOU.
OH, GREAT.
NOW YOU TWO DRESS ALIKE.
WHY DON'T YOU JUST GET A ROOM ALREADY?
MARY, PLEASE DON'T BE MAD--
UH, DICK, I'LL TAKE CARE OF THIS.
MARY, IT SEEMS I'VE BEEN UNGENTLEMANLY
TOWARD YOU.
YOU? NO!
I LOVE IT WHEN YOU PINCH MY ASS!
IT'S GOOFY FUN!
I DESERVE THAT WITTY BARB,
BUT IT WOULD PLEASE ME NO END
IF YOU WOULD JOIN US FOR DINNER TONIGHT.
I COULD MAKE AMENDS. WE COULD START OVER.
I DON'T KNOW...
PLEASE, MARY.
HONOR US WITH YOUR PRESENCE.
I...
YOU...LOOK... LOVELY!
OK, I'LL COME!
ALISSA!
Girls: AAH!
TOMMY!
YOU'VE BEEN AVOIDING ME,
BUT I DESERVE A CHANCE TO-- MAN, THIS IS REALLY HOT!
HEY, SOLOMON,
WHY DON'T YOU SEND YOUR AUNT DOWN HERE
TO OGLE US, YOU HORNY GEEK!
OH, YEAH? WELL, WHY DON'T YOU
PUT SOME CLOTHES ON, YOU...[WEAKLY] SEXY MAMA!
TOMMY, WILL YOU PLEASE GET LOST?
NO. NO. JUST LISTEN TO ME FOR A SECOND.
I DID NOT TELL SALLY TO BREAK UP WITH YOU.
OH, REALLY? SO SHE JUST DECIDED TO COME DOWN HERE
AND DO IT ON HER OWN?
YES! I DON'T NEED SALLY.
BREAKING UP WITH YOU
IS SOMETHING I WILL DO MYSELF.
WHAT?!
WHEN THE TIME CO-- IF THE TIME COMES!
OK, YOU KNOW WHAT? IT IS SO OVER BETWEEN US.
AND I'M GIVING YOU BACK EVERYTHING YOU EVER GAVE ME!
YOU--I--
[WHIMPERS]
IF ONLY I'D GIVEN HER THAT TOWEL.
SO, MARY, TELL ME MORE ABOUT YOURSELF.
WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS DO?
OH, YOU KNOW. THEY'RE JUST AVERAGE RETIREES.
DAD PLAYS GOLF.
YEAH. AND HER MOM LIKES TO GET TANKED
AND SHOOT AT SQUIRRELS FROM THE GARDEN WINDOW
WITH A BB GUN.
YOU'RE JUST GONNA LOVE THESE PEOPLE.
SALLY...
WE'RE RUNNING LOW ON THE MINI-QUICHE.
COULD YOU HEAT UP ANOTHER BATCH?
OH, THAT'S NICE.
ORDER ME AROUND IN FRONT OF YOUR FATHER.
BUT JUST YOU WAIT TILL DADDY'S GONE.
I'M GONNA GIVE YOU THE WEDGIE OF A LIFETIME!
I'M TELLING!
HEY, EVERYBODY.
HEY, CITIZENS.
OH, HI!
HI, BOYFRIEND.
HELLO, MY GENTLE GIANT.
HEY, HON.
HEY!
I BROUGHT YOU A LITTLE SOMETHIN'
FOR AFTER THE MEAL.
OH, THANKS.
"PEOPLE'S EXHIBIT B"?
IT CAME FROM A BAKERY WE RAIDED
THAT WAS A FRONT FOR A DRUG DEALER.
YOU MIGHT WANT TO SCRAPE OFF
THE POWDERED SUGAR BEFORE YOU SERVE IT.
HEY, JANICE!
HEY, VICKI! HOW ARE YOU?
GOOD!
YOU TWO KNOW EACH OTHER?
WELL, YEAH. I MET VICKI AT THE MALL TODAY.
WELL, WHAT A SMALL WORLD!
YOU KNOW, I WONDER WHO ELSE I KNOW
KNOWS SOMEONE I KNOW THAT I DON'T KNOW
KNOWS THAT PERSON I KNOW.
YOU KNOW?
UH-HUH...
HEY, VICKI, I HAVE AN EXTRA TICKET
TO TOMMY'S GRADUATION.
PLEASE TELL ME YOU'LL COME. PLEASE!
I DON'T KNOW.
HARRY, ISN'T GRADUATION SORT OF A FAMILY THING?
OH, COME ON. ARE YOU KIDDIN' ME?
HEARIN' THE NAMES OF 500 KIDS
READ IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER?
THAT'S NOT JUST FUN FOR FAMILY.
THAT'S FUN FOR EVERYONE!
YOU ARE SO CUTE.
MMM...
YES. AND AREN'T YOU JUST THE PERFECT COUPLE?
HA HA. HEY. YOU KNOW WHAT?
IF YOU COME TO THAT GRADUATION,
I'M GONNA TAKE CARE OF YOU.
I'M GONNA TAKE CARE OF YOU REAL GOOD!
[SLURRING] YOU'RE A LOT NICER THAN I THOUGHT YOU WERE,
OLD STONEY, OLD BOY.
YOU'RE TOO KIND.
YOUR FRIEND DICK...
IS THE KINDEST, MOST INTERESTING MAN
I HAVE EVER BEEN WITH...
AND LET ME TELL YOU,
I HAVE BEEN WITH A LOT OF MEN.
A LOT.
OH, REALLY? AHEM. HOW MANY?
[DRUNKENLY] A LADY NEVER TELLS.
MORE THAN 5?
EASILY.
MORE THAN 40?
NO!
WAIT.
YEAH!
AH. THANKS, DAD.
IT'S SO NICE TO SEE YOU AND MARY GETTING ALONG.
ISN'T SHE WONDERFUL?
SHE CERTAINLY TRIES
TO GIVE OFF THAT IMPRESSION.
YEP. SHE'S A KEEPER.
SON, I...WANT YOU TO BREAK UP WITH HER.
WHAT?
YOU HEARD ME.
BUT SHE'S MY GIRLFRIEND.
SHE'S A SLUT AND A BOOZER!
2 QUALITIES I USUALLY LIKE
IN A WOMAN.
BUT THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR MY SON!
I CAN'T BREAK UP WITH MARY. I LOVE HER!
SORRY, SON. MY HOUSE, MY RULES.
BUT THIS IS MY HOUSE!
RIGHT. BUT YOUR HOUSE IS IN MY GALAXY. I WIN.
THIS IS TOTALLY UNFAIR!
IT MAY SEEM THAT WAY NOW,
BUT IN TIME, YOU'LL THANK ME!
NO WAY! I'LL NEVER THANK YOU!
NOT IN A MILLION YEARS!
YOU UNGRATEFUL BRAT!
YOU'RE ON A TIME-OUT!
OHHH!
"DEAR DAD, BY THE TIME YOU READ THIS,
"I'LL BE HALFWAY TO AN UNDISCLOSED LOCATION
THAT MAY OR MAY NOT RHYME WITH FENTUCKY."
I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU.
LOVE, DICK.
THIS OUGHTA DO IT.
TOMMY!
WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOIN'?
DAD SAID HE DIDN'T WANT ME SEEING MARY ANYMORE,
SO I'M RUNNING AWAY FROM HOME!
YOU'RE WHAT?
YEAH. AND I'M TAKING HER WITH ME!
DOES MARY KNOW ABOUT THIS?
NOT EXACTLY. THAT REMINDS ME--
I FORGOT THE BLINDFOLD AND THE CHLOROFORM!
COME ON, DICK!
YOU CAN'T RUN AWAY! JUST STAND UP TO THE GUY!
HE'S JUST YOUR FATHER!
YEAH, BUT FATHERS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE
LOOKED UP TO AND REVERED!
PLUS, I DON'T WANT HIM TO GIVE ME THE BELT.
WHAT PLANET HAVE YOU BEEN LIVING ON
FOR THE LAST 5 YEARS?
KIDS HERE DON'T REVERE THEIR PARENTS.
THEY DISRESPECT THE HELL OUT OF THEM!
ARE YOU SURE?
YES. TRUST ME. THIS IS MY AREA.
I KNOW ABOUT DISRESPECTING FATHERS.
THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU ALWAYS MAKE ME FEEL LIKE CRAP.
SEE THAT?
OH...
GEE, THANKS, TOMMY.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'D DO WITHOUT YOU.
I PROBABLY DON'T SAY THIS OFTEN ENOUGH,
BUT... I LOVE YOU, SON.
SHUT UP!
JEEZ, YOU ARE GOOD!
NO, YOU ARE IN 24-E, JANICE.
OK? YOU GO RIGHT ON DOWN THERE.
OK. AND I'M RIGHT HERE.
JANICE, YOU WANT TO SIT HERE?
NO! HER TICKET SAYS 24-E,
AND SHE WILL SIT IN 24-E!
I'M GONNA GET SOME PROGRAMS.
I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT DICK GOT TO BE HIGH COMMANDER.
WHY COULDN'T I HAVE BEEN THE BIG GIANT HEAD'S SON?
YEAH, WELL, I DON'T HAVE
A MOTHER OR A FATHER,
AND I GOT A GREAT JOB ON THIS MISSION.
HARRY, YOU'RE THE FREAKIN' RADIO!
SURE, PICK ON THE ORPHAN.
YEAH, YEAH.
LOOK, MAYBE HE MADE DICK THE HIGH COMMANDER
BECAUSE YOU'RE THE BEST SECURITY OFFICER
THERE IS.
DAMN RIGHT I AM.
I MEAN, WHO ELSE BUT ME WOULD BE ABLE TO FIGURE OUT
THAT VICKI IS UNDER THE BLEACHERS RIGHT NOW
PREPARING TO VAPORIZE JANICE?
MMM.
SEE? YEAH, YOU'RE A NATURAL.
I WISH I WAS SMART ENOUGH TO FIGURE OUT
THAT VICKI'S DOWN THERE
TRYIN' TO KILL JANICE.
WELL, YOU'RE NOT SMART ENOUGH, MY FRIEND.
YEP. I WISH I WAS.
I KNOW YOU DO, SWEETIE, BUT...
OH, MY GOD!
EXCUSE ME, PARDON ME, EXCUSE ME!
AH!
HI, JANICE.
[WHISPERING] Alissa!
HEY, UM, COULD YOU PASS THIS MESSAGE
DOWN TO ALISSA?
TELL HER THAT I'M SORRY SHE WAS HURT,
BUT I NEVER TOLD MY AUNT TO BREAK UP WITH HER
AND THAT SALLY WILL NEVER GO NEAR HER AGAIN.
OK? PASS THAT DOWN.
[WHISPERING]
HEY, ALISSA, TOMMY SAYS
IF YOU EVER COME NEAR HIM AGAIN,
HIS AUNT SALLY WILL HURT YOU.
TELL TOMMY "SCREW YOU."
ALISSA SAYS "SCREW YOU."
THERE YOU ARE!
NICE CALVES!
BYE-BYE, PRETTY GIRL!
DON'T EVEN TRY IT, SISTER.
OH, YEAH? AND WHO'S GONNA STOP ME?
ME.
AND THIS...
THIS BIG UNICORN
ICE CUBE!
YOU MELTED MY UNICORN, YOU BITCH!
YEAH. AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU'RE NEXT!
NOT SO FAST!
HUAH! HUAH! HUAH!
I AM YOUR QUEEN,
AND YOU WILL BOW TO ME!
LOWER.
SORRY, MASTER.
LOWER! I...CAN'T--
LOWER! YEAH, YOU CAN!
HELLO, STONE.
DICK.
YOU REMEMBER MARY...
MY LOVER.
OF COURSE.
I JUST DIDN'T EXPECT TO SEE HER HERE.
OH, I WOULDN'T MISS THIS FOR THE WORLD.
OF COURSE SHE WOULDN'T. SHE'S MY LOVER!
LIGHTEN UP.
I REALLY ENJOYED TALKING TO YOU LAST NIGHT, STONE.
I'M SURPRISED YOU EVEN REMEMBER
THE CONVERSATION.
YOU LEAVE HER ALONE, YOU BIG BULLY!
DICK! WELL, HE IS.
YOU KNOW, HE'S SO SWEET!
SWEET? HE WANTS ME TO BREAK UP WITH YOU.
DICK! WHAT?
YEAH. HE THINKS YOU'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.
OH, I DON'T THINK HE MEANT THAT.
DID YOU, STONE?
MARY, I THINK YOU'RE
A PERFECTLY GOOD GIRLFRIEND
FOR, SAY...
THE BEER DELIVERY GUY.
OH, STONE! HA HA HA!
OH, THAT REMINDS ME
OF SOMETHING THAT NIETZCHE ONCE SAID.
WHAT WAS IT? UM...
DU BIST EIN ESEL.
WHAT?
YOU'RE AN ASS!
NO, I'M SERIOUS. I LOVE YOUR NEW HAIR COLOR.
REALLY?
HELLO, VICKI.
HARRY.
I'M THE ONE YOU WANT, VICKI.
AND YOU CAN HAVE ME.
YOU MEAN IT?
THAT'S RIGHT!
IT'S LUNCHTIME IN THE HOT AND NASTY DINER.
TODAY'S SPECIAL...
HARRY LOAF!
THAT'S IT.
AAH!
HA!
HOW DARE YOU TRICK ME WITH YOUR FLESH!
WELL, THAT'S WHAT IT'S THERE FOR.
I'LL TAKE IT FROM HERE,
SECURITY OFFICER.
GOOD WORK...
RADIO.
OH, VICKI, LOOK AT YOU.
YOU'RE HURTING ME.
YOU'VE FORGOTTEN WHAT IT'S LIKE
TO BE HUMAN!
I DID IT BECAUSE I LOVE YOU, HARRY.
WELL, IF YOU REALLY LOVE ME,
YOU'LL JUST LET ME BE HAPPY WITH JANICE.
I'M SO SORRY.
OH...VICKI, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?!
WELL, YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE
LIVIN' UP THERE WITH HIM!
I MEAN, AT LEAST ON EARTH
I COULD FILL THE VOID IN MY SOUL
WITH MALT LIQUOR AND VELVEETA.
CAN'T WE BE FRIENDS, HARRY?
WELL...OK.
OK!
MMM...YEAH.
BY THE WAY, VICKI,
FRIENDS DON'T USUALLY...
CUP EACH OTHER'S BUTTS
DURING EMOTIONALLY VULNERABLE MOMENTS
LIKE THIS.
OH, RIGHT. JUST FOR THE FUTURE.
IT MAKES SENSE! YEAH, YEAH.
THANKS.
THANK YOU.
"PRINCIPAL GRESCHNER, FACULTY,
"HONORED GUESTS, LUNCH LADIES,
"WEIRD OLD GUY IN THE RAINCOAT...
"WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE VALEDICTORIAN?
"FOR MANY, BEING FIRST IN ONE'S CLASS
"IS A DISTINCTION THAT DEFINES THEIR FUTURES.
BUT FOR ME..."
IT MEANS SQUAT BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE A GIRLFRIEND.
OH, MY GOD.
THAT'S RIGHT, ALISSA.
BEING FIRST IN MY CLASS PALES IN COMPARISON
TO BEING FIRST IN YOUR HEART.
SO...WHAT I'LL REMEMBER MOST ABOUT MY HIGH SCHOOL EXPERIENCE
IS OUR TIME TOGETHER...
OUR LONG WALKS AFTER SCHOOL,
DOING HOMEWORK IN THE COFFEE HOUSE,
THAT DAY IN THE PARK WHEN IT RAINED.
OH, TOMMY.
AND, UM...I THINK I'LL REMEMBER MOST
THAT TIME THAT WE FOOLED AROUND ON YOUR PARENTS' BED
WHEN THEY WERE OUT OF TOWN.
ALISSA...PLEASE TAKE ME BACK.
GO TO HELL!
LONG LIVE ROCK!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
HEY, SPORT.
I GOT NOTHIN' TO SAY TO YOU.
WHAT HAPPENED TO US?
REMEMBER THE JAZZ CLUB?
♪ SCOOBY DOOBY DOOBY DOOBY DOOBY DOO ♪
WE WERE SUCH PALS!
THAT WAS BEFORE I FOUND OUT YOU WERE MY FATHER.
WELL, HOW DOES BEING FAMILY
CHANGE EVERYTHING?
IT JUST DOES! HOW?
WELL, IF YOU DON'T KNOW, I'M NOT GONNA TELL YOU!
YOU DON'T KNOW, DO YOU?
WHY DID YOU EVEN HAVE ME?
YOU WERE A MISTAKE.
BUT...BUT,
THE GREATEST MISTAKE I EVER MADE!
REALLY?
OH, LISTEN, SON, IF THAT LITTLE TRAMP
MARY ALBRIGHT MAKES YOU HAPPY,
SO BE IT! YOU HAVE MY BLESSING!
YOU MEAN IT?
YES. I REALLY THINK SHE'S A TRAMP.
NO. I MEAN ABOUT YOUR BLESSING!
OH!
RIGHT. YOU BET.
THANKS, DAD.
HEY!
YOU WANNA HAVE A CATCH?
SURE.
YOU KNOW, IT'S FUNNY.
WHENEVER THE BIG GIANT HEAD LEFT BEFORE,
I'D FEEL RELIEVED.
BUT NOW THAT I KNOW HE'S MY FATHER,
I FEEL ESPECIALLY RELIEVED.
WELL, IT MUST BE NICE TO KNOW
WHERE YOU COME FROM.
YEAH, TO FIND OUT WHO YOUR FAMILY IS.
I ALREADY KNOW WHO MY FAMILY IS.
IT'S NOT SOME GUY WHO WALTZES IN
AND CALLS HIMSELF "FATHER."
IT'S THE PEOPLE I LET INTO MY LIFE,
THE PEOPLE I TRUST AND LOVE.
WHOA...
I'D LIKE TO MEET THOSE PEOPLE!
THEY SURE SOUND NICE.
NO, HARRY, I MEAN ALL OF YOU.
NO, I DON'T THINK SO.
OH! HEY, BY THE WAY, DICK,
WHAT DID YOU EVER DO WITH THAT ELECTRIC CURLER
DEMOLECULARIZER THINGY?
OH, DON'T WORRY. IT'S SAFE.
YEAH, TRUST ME.
IT'S SOMEWHERE WHERE NO ONE
WILL EVER FIND IT.