[theme music]
ANNOUNCER: From New York City, the only city in America,
it's the show that invented news.
This is The Daily Show with your host, Leslie Jones.
[cheering]
Yes!
Hi!
What's going on, everybody?
Yes!
Welcome to The Daily Show.
I'm Leslie Jones.
That's right.
They let me come back for another night.
So let's go!
[cheering]
All right.
You guys on TikTok, right?
Well, I got bad news.
Because if you're on TikTok, you've
got to drop out of college.
Because universities across the country
are banning TikTok from school Wi-Fi
because they're worried that China might be spying on them.
Yeah.
And you know what?
Good.
Get these kids off TikTok.
I'm tired of seeing little Ashley's
amazing hack for how to flip grilled cheese in a pan.
[applause]
You don't think I know how to flip a pan, bitch,
or make grilled cheese?
I've been flipping pans and making grilled cheese
since before you were born!
So don't talk to me like I'm stupid.
You're stupid!
Stupid 24-year-old with your dewy [bleep] and skin.
[laughter]
[bleep] you and your youth.
OK.
Well, OK, I think I got off subject.
I'm sorry.
Next up, the TSA announced that they
seized record numbers of guns at airport checkpoints
last year.
And let me tell you something.
If I'm bringing a gun through checkpoint,
you ain't taking it from me.
Because I got a gun!
But, honestly, I think this makes
it more interesting for TSA people
because you know they get bored.
And they're probably happy when they actually find a gun.
You know?
Dildo, dildo, dildo, two dildos.
Oh.
Oh, a AK!
We got a AK!
It's happening, guys!
It's happening!
Confiscate that gun!
Yeah, and get the dildo too.
I think he had a dildo.
Ooh, you a nasty terrorist!
[laughter]
[cheering]
Woo.
Moving on, y'all know who George Santos is, right?
With his creepy ass.
If y'all don't know who he is, he's the new
Republican Congressman who we found out
lied about his entire life.
He made up a whole career as a businessman.
He made up that his family was Jewish
and his mom was a victim of 9/11.
Ew.
Do you know how much you have to lie to be known
as the lying Congressman?
[laughter]
[cheering]
I mean, all these [bleep] do is lie all day.
But when you ask them, who is the liar,
they're like, this guy.
Wait till you hear about this shit he did.
Representative George Santos has allegedly
stolen $3,000 in donations from a disabled homeless
veteran's dying service dog.
Santos allegedly used an alias to con the veteran
and set up a GoFundMe page that would be deleted
as soon as it hit its goal.
And then Santos disappeared altogether.
[groaning]
Exactly.
So you telling me this man didn't
steal $3,000 from a dog.
He didn't just steal from a service dog.
He didn't just steal from a dying service dog.
He stole from a disabled homeless
veteran's dying service dog!
Oh, my god!
You evil and stupid.
[laughter]
You gonna mess with somebody's dog.
Have you not heard of John Wick?
Your ass is in trouble, trouble!
[applause]
Mess with no veteran's dog.
You know what's so crazy?
This guy is so evil.
I wonder if they put him in there
on purpose so I can't pay attention
to the other evil people.
Anybody got any eyes on Marjorie Taylor Greene?
What's up with that bitch?
What is that bitch up to?
She probably got Garfield tied up in her office.
[laughter]
I'm serious.
Like, what does this man have to do
to get thrown out of Congress?
He's a [bleep] liar.
Black people don't get believed when
they actually tell the truth.
Barack Obama was like, hey, I was born in America.
And people were like, bullshit!
Where's your birth certificate?
And this guy was like, I was a millionaire Jewish
volleyball star.
And y'all like, hell yeah, put him in Congress!
Sick of your shit.
And, finally, I don't know if y'all been
eating breakfast lately.
But breakfast is in trouble, son.
The latest economic numbers show
inflation is slowing down, but not for people who buy eggs.
The average price for a dozen of eggs
has more than doubled over the past year.
Shortages around the country are
hurting producers and putting more stress
on consumers and businesses.
Why is there a shortage right now?
What's going on?
Well, I'm sure you heard there
is a bird flu in the Midwest.
REPORTER: At Egg Tuck, a breakfast spot in Los Angeles
that goes through up to 6,000 eggs a week,
costs have quadrupled.
And they're feeling it.
All of our courses are made with eggs
REPORTER: Meanwhile, the line of cars
is about 30 minutes long at Billy's Egg
Farm in Southern California.
And workers are scrambling to meet demand.
What?
Wait a minute.
[laughter]
Bitch, why you buying so many eggs?
But, yeah, there's an egg shortage
right now because a ton of chickens
got bird flu, which isn't surprising, you know?
Because chickens are freaky, little disgusting creatures.
And, god, how I love to eat what they shit out they
bird pussies early in the morning.
[cheering]
Oh!
Oh, I got to say bird pussies on air!
[cheering]
I love it.
[laughs] But this is serious now.
This is serious because people need eggs so badly.
I think the chickens are going to start getting real cocky.
What's up, bitch?
You want these eggs?
What you going to do for me?
I'm going to tell you what I want.
I want a new barn.
I want an assistant.
I want to fly business class and an extra large flat screen
and a PS5.
And one more thing--
sell Sally to Popeyes.
[laughter]
Bye, bitch.
[applause]
All right.
All right, for more on this egg story,
let's now go to a man who deserves to be
knee deep in chicken shit.
Y'all give it up for Michael Kosta.
OK, yeah.
[cheering]
Hi, Leslie.
It's great to see you again.
No, it ain't.
OK, I see.
Just so everybody knows, Leslie and I have a bit of history.
But don't worry.
We're going to be totally professional.
I ain't about to be shit.
I ain't gonna be professional or nothing!
You should have been professional when
you was dating my homegirl.
OK, Leslie--
Leslie, love is complicated.
And I'd rather not share the details
of such a private matter, OK?
But, ultimately, relationships do end.
So now the eggs--
Don't try to weasel yourself out of this.
Don't do that.
Leslie, I don't know what she told you,
but she cheated on me three times.
Oh, and that's the reason not to call her back?
[laughter]
Be a man, not chicken shit, Kosta!
OK. All right.
OK.
So now the egg shortage, it's actually the result
of the avian bird flu.
And that--
I don't give a [bleep] about that.
OK.
What you did was wrong, Kosta.
Leslie, you don't know this, but she gave me chlamydia.
Yeah, I do know that.
And people have done worse, Kosta.
It's cureable, OK?
Just get you some penicinna-- peli-- penic--
the shit that gets rid of that shit.
[laughter]
OK.
And move on with the romance.
Don't Be ghosting my girl.
That ain't cool.
OK, let's just talk about the eggs, OK?
Because as I was saying, the shortage is severe.
But if you look closely, you'll find that it's
not all it's cracked up to be.
[laughter]
You so [bleep] corny, Kosta.
You know she was going to break up with you because you
a corny mother-[bleep], right?
You know that, right?
Look, look, I'm trying to be a good sport here.
I came all the way out here to this farm that you sent me to.
I got feathers all over my suit.
It stinks. - You know what?
You know what?
I'll tell you what stinks.
My girl had to go to therapy after you.
Yeah, because she has multiple personality disorder.
Yeah, that's what we loved about her.
She's like 10 friends in one.
[laughter]
[applause]
Be a real [bleep] man and [bleep] 10 bitches, Kosta!
[stammers] OK.
[cheering]
I handled it the best I could.
I don't know why you care about this so much.
Why don't we talk about it off air if you're so upset?
Can we just focus on the news?
Yeah, I'm talking to his bitch ass
right now, looking at those lying eyes of him.
Mm-hmm, he ain't shit.
Mm-hmm.
You know what? That's right.
I'mma bring that up.
OK, hold on.
You know what, Kosta?
You know what?
You didn't even visit her in the lockup
after she stabbed your ass.
That's [bleep] up.
That's [bleep].
Leslie, for the last time, what do you want from me?
I want you to say you sorry.
I want you to apologize to my homegirl.
OK, all right, OK.
Leslie, from the bottom of my heart--
Man, [bleep].
You ain't got no damn heart.
[applause]
Want to hear that shit.
And I hope a chicken shits in your shoes.
Y'all give it up for Michael Kosta.
[cheering]
All right, when we come back, Roy Wood, Jr.
visits the White House.
So don't go away.
[cheering]
[applause]
Welcome back to The Daily Show.
Have you ever wondered what happens when a championship
team visits the White House?
Well, so did Roy Wood Jr. Let's go check it out.
ROY WOOD JR: In American pro sports, if your team wins
the championship, you get to go to the White House,
enjoy a five star meal, and hand the president
a jersey he'll never wear.
I got to attend this year's event with the Golden State
Warriors to celebrate their NBA championship,
something they didn't get to do the last two times they won.
Let me just say that the Golden
State Warriors are always welcome in this White House.
Always.
ROY WOOD JR: To find out why, I asked the man, 46, himself.
How you doing, Mr. President? - I'm doing well.
How you doing?
Now quick question, Mr. President.
The Warriors won in 2017 and 2018.
Why didn't they come to the White
House those other two times?
Well, you have to ask the other guy,
but he doesn't work here anymore.
New boss, new rules. All right.
Well, thank you.
Well, mystery solved.
Time to talk with some basketball players.
Why are athletes invited to the White House?
Sports in general brings, like, so many people together.
And I think basketball especially, like, we're
very visible and whatnot.
So when you win a championship and you get invited here,
we all can leverage our platform to, you know,
change the game in a way that will
be bigger than basketball.
And I think this is a great moment
to reflect on all of that.
Do you think it's fair that only the Warriors
were invited, and not the other 29 teams that y'all whooped?
Hell no.
What about inclusion?
It's about us.
No, everybody was included in the 82 games,
but that's where the inclusion stops.
Do you think events like this where teams are invited
to the White House create opportunities for conversation
about real issues?
They actually do.
I actually took part in a panel before our ceremony
with the president and the vice president on gun safety
and gun violence issues.
We get to go see the president, see the White House,
but also actually kind of take part in some real discussions.
What is one rule that you would have the president
change in the NBA?
One rule?
No techs.
That's an easy one for me.
No technical fouls.
You can't go no techs.
No, you can.
Three techs?
No.
Why three?
Three-- four techs.
It's a person deciding that you
deserve a tech because they didn't like something you did.
You right.
Better crib.
Your crib of the White House.
My crib--
I like my crib better.
I have-- my crib got a kitchen I got access to.
I don't even know where where they
keep the food at over here.
I know.
I've been looking for a sandwich all day.
You got all these people, but I can't--
I'm so hungry, dog.
- Where are they? - The chef's are--
I just want a snack machine.
That's all I'm saying.
Well, the Biden-Harris administration understands
the challenge that higher education has been for so many
people across the country.
So 40 million people are eligible, in our opinion,
for debt relief.
We're working on loan forgiveness.
We've forgiven over $48 billion, with a B,
to make sure that people have access to higher education.
And we're not stopping.
Secretary of Education, you know the people
that be forgiving the loans.
OK, OK, can you take care of my student loan?
[laughs]
ROY WOOD JR (VOICEOVER): I guess players showing up
to the White House does help draw attention
to the important issues, but how
are we going to elevate these cabinet
members to sports stardom?
Roy Wood Jr, Daily Show.
When championship teams visit the White House,
the president gets a jersey, but no one else.
Are you jealous?
No, I'm not jealous.
Of course the president gets a jersey.
You know what?
I made you a jersey.
That's for you.
KARINE JEAN-PIERRE: Oh, wow.
That's something.
Where'd you get it from?
Oh, my cousin stole it.
He works at a t-shirt shop.
Well, thank you I appreciate it, Roy.
ROY WOOD JR (VOICEOVER): They loved my jersey idea.
You know, I have an eight-year-old
who can do that, too.
ROY WOOD JR (VOICEOVER): So I gave out some more,
then started hooping with some Oakland rappers.
Man, I need to come back next year as a player.
- Good to meet you, Coach Kerr. - You, too.
Hey, I used to play rec league.
If you need another two guards, just let me know.
Yeah.
Do you have a card, or--
I'll just call you.
We're taking you down for a general meeting now.
He ain't gonna call.
[applause]
Thank you, Roy.
All right, stay tuned because when we come back,
I'll be talking to the president
of the Planned Parenthood.
So don't go away.
We coming back.
[applause]
[cheering]
Welcome back to The Daily Show!
Every year, more than 600 Planned Parenthood health
centers nationwide provide health care services
to millions of patients.
My guest tonight is the president and the CEO
of the Planned Parenthood.
Please, welcome Alexis McGill Johnson.
[cheering]
Girls!
Girls, go!
What's going on?
Good.
How You doing, baby?
Oh my god, you look so beautiful.
Thank you.
LESLIE JONES: Oh, yeah!
ALEXIS MCGILL JOHNSON: What?
Woo-wee!
I'm so glad they saw how good you look.
They think all of us look crazy to want to be fighting for,
you know?
Let me tell you how important Planned Parenthood is to me.
It's just one of the most important things in my life.
You know, I have my parents in 17--
I have my mom.
And Planned Parenthood taught me everything.
And that's real talk.
And I'm pretty sure that you guys have
done that for a lot of girls.
So if you listen to the people on the right,
they think that Planned Parenthood
is an abortion factory.
Like, that's like back-to-back abortions
with a side of fries.
You know what I'm saying?
What I want to get clear here today is,
what are the actual services of Planned Parenthood?
Well, thank you, Leslie, for asking me that question.
And thank you for sharing how important Planned Parenthood
has been for you because that has been the story for so
many people in their lives.
Planned Parenthood really represents
reproductive freedom.
We sell freedom and agency.
It means that when you walk into a Planned Parenthood
health center, you may be coming for birth control, STI
testing, cervical cancer screenings,
breast cancer screenings, gender-affirming care.
And, yes, we proudly provide abortion because that
is also part of health care.
That is the work that we do.
[cheering]
That's what we do.
That's what I'm talking about.
Yes.
Yes!
Yes.
And I don't think people realize
that men can go to Planned Parenthood for services too.
And they should.
I think when men hear parenthood,
they just start running.
[laughs]
Tell me the services that you provide
for people with penises.
[laughter]
Yes, men are, like, one of the fastest
growing demographics at Planned Parenthood.
They come for the same set of services.
They come to get access to condoms.
They come to get access to STI screenings.
They come for vasectomies increasingly after the Dobbs
decision, right?
They are coming in.
[applause]
I don't know.
I mean, maybe we need to market it.
You know what I'm saying?
Maybe we need to have a better market.
Like, we treat the meat, you know?
[laughter]
You know what I'm saying?
Planned Parenthood-- Planned Parenthood
presents the dick fixers.
You know what I'm saying?
We do that too.
[laughter]
But, like, do you think men are embarrassed about what
they need to come in for?
Because let me tell you something, men.
It's important that men get checked out.
Their sexual health affects their wives,
partners, and girlfriends too.
Roe versus Wade was overturned seven months ago.
And it's important for men to come in also.
Tell them, please, how important it is.
Yeah, it is so critical.
I mean, first of all, stigma around sexual reproductive
health care affects everybody. So it does affect men.
They may not talk about it, but they
are certainly coming to Planned Parenthood
to get it checked out, right?
I mean, they see something.
They need to say something.
They need to come in and make sure--
Exactly, you see something-- say something.
But they are being affected.
[applause]
But they are really being affected
by this Dobbs decision, right?
Because, I mean, on the other side of every single abortion,
every choice that someone makes to not continue a pregnancy,
we are also seeing the impact on miscarriage management.
We're also seeing the impact on their wives,
on their daughters, on their sisters, on their workers,
on their coworkers.
And so men, I would say, actually are showing
up in a much stronger way.
There's a lot of them out there freestyling because they still
don't know how our bodies work, how our periods work,
how our pregnancies work.
But there are a lot of men who are showing up.
And I think it is really important
to give them the energy to continue to do that.
Yes.
[applause]
How do we combat that?
Like, this thing about our rights
and everything, how we keep these
mother-[bleep] out of pussy?
Well-- well, I mean, first of all,
we have to be clear that the Supreme Court made a decision,
but the Supreme Court doesn't get the last word.
We do. OK?
LESLIE JONES: Yes!
[cheering]
And we are going to need to fight
state by state because they are coming for birth control.
They are coming for IVF.
They are coming-- they're literally trying to bankrupt
bankrupt us in Texas, right?
Planned Parenthood in Texas.
They are trying everything they can to stop people
from getting access to care.
But what we have in people like you
are just passionate about freedom,
passion about justice.
It's an opportunity to really be a leader and a volunteer.
Oh!
Oh.
[cheering]
Oh.
Now you know you shouldn't give me no damn bullhorn.
I'm going to be out there on the streets going, hey, women!
Hey, women, are you leaking?
Come to Planned Parenthood so we can do some peeking.
You know what I'm saying?
[laughs] Hey, guys, come in quick so we can fix your dick.
You know?
[laughter]
Yes! Yes!
LESLIE JONES: Yes! ALEXIS MCGILL JOHNSON: Yes.
LESLIE JONES: All right.
We're going to take a quick break,
but we'll be right back after this!
[cheering]
Hey!
Yes!
Well, that's our show for tonight.
But before we go, Planned Parenthood
is an irreplaceable part of this country's
health care system.
For many people, it's their only source of health care.
If you can support them in their work, please,
donate at the link below.
Now here it is, your moment of zen.
Tell you what.
ANNOUNCER: MTV.