1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:03,503 ♪ ♪ Announcer: FROM NEW YORK CITY, THE ONLY CITY IN AMERICA, IT'S THE SHOW THAT 2 00:00:03,503 --> 00:00:11,745 INVENTED NEWS. THIS IS "THE DAILY SHOW" WITH YOUR HOST, CHELSEA HANDLER! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 3 00:00:11,745 --> 00:00:35,702 ♪ ♪ Chelsea: HI, EVERYBODY! I'M CHELSEA HANDLER! AND I'M BACK FOR NIGHT TWO OF 4 00:00:35,702 --> 00:00:43,943 GUEST HOSTING "THE DAILY SHOW." IF YOU WATCHED THE SHOW LAST NIGHT, YOU'LL KNOW I WAS ON 5 00:00:43,943 --> 00:00:54,387 ECSTASY, AND I WAS WAY TOO HIGH TO FIND MY WAY OUT OF THE BUILDING, SO I'M BACK HERE AGAIN AYAHUASCA. 6 00:00:54,387 --> 00:01:02,529 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] AND LET ME TELL YOU, I CAN NOW SEE THAT ALL OF US ARE PART OF ONE INFINITE CONSCIOUSNESS, 7 00:01:02,529 --> 00:01:13,573 TOGETHER IN ONE SOUL, ALL OF US PART OF THE SAME HOLY UNION. EXCEPT FOR TUCKER CARLSON. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 8 00:01:13,573 --> 00:01:22,749 WHICH BRINGS US TO TONIGHT'S HEADLINES. ♪ ♪ [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 9 00:01:22,749 --> 00:01:27,687 HERE'S WHAT DIPSY DOODLE HAD TO SAY ABOUT JOE BIDEN'S COURT APPOINTMENTS. SO THE POINT OF DIVERSITY, 10 00:01:27,687 --> 00:01:33,927 EQUITY, AND INCLUSION, AS YOU'VE OFTEN HEARD, IS TO WIND UP AT THE LEADERSHIP CLASS THAT "LOOKS LIKE AMERICA." 11 00:01:33,927 --> 00:01:40,700 NOW WE THINK YOU SHOULD HIRE ON THE BASIS OF MERIT, BUT THAT'S KIND OF AN APPEALING IDEA. THE PEOPLE WHO RUN THE COUNTRY 12 00:01:40,700 --> 00:01:49,008 SHOULD LOOK LIKE THE COUNTRY. THAT'S NOT WHAT IT'S ABOUT AT ALL, BECAUSE NO ADMINISTRATION HAS EVER LOOKED LESS LIKE 13 00:01:49,008 --> 00:01:53,012 AMERICA JUST BY THE NUMBERS THAN THE BIDEN ADMINISTRATION. IT'S NOT ABOUT MAKING THE ADMINISTRATION LOOK LIKE 14 00:01:53,012 --> 00:01:56,583 AMERICA. IT'S ABOUT DISCRIMINATING AGAINST CERTAIN CLASSES OF PEOPLE WHO DON'T VOTE FOR THEM. 15 00:01:56,583 --> 00:02:03,122 PERIOD. AND NOW IT'S PROVABLE. 97 FEDERAL JUDGES CONFIRMED UNDER JOE BIDEN. 16 00:02:03,122 --> 00:02:12,532 TOTAL NUMBER OF WHITE MEN, FIVE! 22 ARE BLACK WOMEN. SO THIS IS RACE-BASED HIRING. IT'S ILLEGAL, BUT IT'S ALSO NOT 17 00:02:12,532 --> 00:02:24,077 ABOUT LOOKING LIKE AMERICA. Chelsea: I WISH TUCKER CARLSON WOULD GO BACK TO TALKING ABOUT 18 00:02:24,077 --> 00:02:32,619 WHICH M&MS HE LIKES TO [BLEEP]. WHAT ARE YOU EVEN COMPLAINING ABOUT? HAVING DIVERSITY IN POWER IS A 19 00:02:32,619 --> 00:02:44,998 DREAM COME TRUE FOR YOU. NOW YOU CAN BLAME ALL YOUR PROBLEMS ON WOMEN AND BLACK PEOPLE! 20 00:02:44,998 --> 00:02:49,502 MAYBE IF YOUR INBRED FINGERS COULD WORK A CALCULATOR, MAYBE YOU WOULD SEE THAT THE REASON BIDEN IS NOMINATING SO MANY 21 00:02:49,502 --> 00:02:56,476 BLACK WOMEN IS TO MAKE UP FOR MEN HAVING A 200-YEAR-HEAD START. EVEN AFTER JOE BIDEN'S 22 00:02:56,476 --> 00:03:04,083 APPOINTMENT, THERE ARE ONLY 44 BLACK WOMEN SERVING OUT OF FEDERAL JUDGES, OUT OF 784! I MEAN WHAT IS THIS, WAKANDA? 23 00:03:04,083 --> 00:03:12,825 44 OUT 784! THAT IS NOT A LOT. YOU NEED 20 BLACK WOMEN JUST TO MAKE UP FOR CLARENCE THOMAS. 24 00:03:12,825 --> 00:03:21,000 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] AND THIS RAISES A MORE IMPORTANT QUESTION, TUCKER, WHICH IS: WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS SUCH A WHINY 25 00:03:21,000 --> 00:03:29,876 LITTLE BITCH? ALL YOU DO IS COMPLAIN, COMPLAIN, COMPLAIN, AND NOW I HAVE TO SPEND MY TIME HERE 26 00:03:29,876 --> 00:03:36,516 COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU! I COULD'VE BEEN UP HERE TALKING ABOUT REAL ISSUES, LIKE HOW CELEBRITIES WERE FILLING UP 27 00:03:36,516 --> 00:03:42,422 THEIR ASSES AND FACES WITH FAT, BUT NOW SUDDENLY THEY'RE TAKING OUT THE FAT IN THEIR ASSES AND FACES. 28 00:03:42,422 --> 00:03:51,531 AND WHERE DOES ALL THAT FAT GO? AND HOW DO I GET IN ON THAT? I'M 47 AND NEED TO START FIGURING OUT WHAT DIRECTION I'M 29 00:03:51,531 --> 00:03:57,503 GOING IN, AND I WANTED TO USE THIS TIME TO GET SOME AUDIENCE FEEDBACK ON IT, BUT NO, NOW I HAVE TO SPEND MY TIME TALKING 30 00:03:57,503 --> 00:04:06,212 ABOUT HOW YOU'RE MAD THAT WHITE MEN ONLY CONTROL ALMOST ALL OF THE COUNTRY. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HARD IT 31 00:04:06,212 --> 00:04:11,317 IS TO BE A WOMAN? HOW LONG AM I SUPPOSED TO KEEP THIS CHARADE GOING AND PRETEND THAT MY FACE ISN'T MELTING IN 32 00:04:11,317 --> 00:04:20,026 FRONT OF EVERYONE'S EYES? ANY WHO, LET'S MOVE ON. BECAUSE SPEAKING OF DISSATISFIED MEN, A MAN IN SINGAPORE IS SUING 33 00:04:20,026 --> 00:04:28,668 A WOMAN FOR PUTTING HIM IN THE FRIEND ZONE. THAT'S RIGHT. HE WANTS $2.3 MILLION BECAUSE HE 34 00:04:28,668 --> 00:04:42,281 SAYS HER REJECTION CAUSED HIM "SUSTAINED TRAUMA." AND THIS IS WHY I DON'T DATE ANYONE FROM SINGAPORE. 35 00:04:42,281 --> 00:04:50,056 HE SAID GETTING FRIENDS OWNED BECAUSE TIM SUSTAINED TRAUMA. HOW HARD IS THIS DUDE MASTURBATING? 36 00:04:50,056 --> 00:04:56,062 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] THIS WOULD NEVER HAPPEN THE OTHER WAY AROUND. WOMEN WOULD NEVER FILE A LAWSUIT 37 00:04:56,062 --> 00:05:02,502 JUST BECAUSE A MAN GHOSTED US. NO, WE'D JUST SPREAD A RUMOR THAT HE'S GOT A SMALL PENIS THAT'S RIDDLED WITH STDs. 38 00:05:02,502 --> 00:05:15,181 BECAUSE WE'RE ADULTS. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] I JUST HOPE THIS GUY DOESN'T WIN, BECAUSE IF REJECTING LOSERS 39 00:05:15,181 --> 00:05:23,356 BECOMES A CRIME, I'M LOOKING AT A CLASS ACTION LAWSUIT AGAINST MYSELF. LET'S MOVE ONTO SOME 40 00:05:23,356 --> 00:05:26,659 FASHION NEWS. EVEN THOUGH IT'S ONLY FEBRUARY, A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE ALREADY STARTING TO WONDER IF THEY'RE 41 00:05:26,659 --> 00:05:32,899 GOING TO BE READY FOR BIKINI SEASON. AND IF THIS IS THE BIKINI EVERYONE IS WEARING. 42 00:05:32,899 --> 00:05:36,969 I'M STARTING TO WONDER THE SAME THING. A WOMAN IS GOING VIRAL FOR HER REACTION TO A MICRO BIKINI 43 00:05:36,969 --> 00:05:42,975 THAT SHE BOUGHT FROM KIM KARDASHIAN'S SKIMS LINE. THE $28 BIKINI CLAIMS TO FIT EVERY BODY, BUT IT IS BARELY 44 00:05:42,975 --> 00:05:50,249 COVERING A TRADER JOE'S TORTILLA CHIP. SO IF YOU'VE BEEN EYEING THE SKIMS MICRO BIKINI AND WONDERING 45 00:05:50,249 --> 00:05:58,624 ABOUT THE SIZE, THESE ARE TORTILLA CHIPS FOR SCALE. I CAN'T REALLY BRING THIS UP ANY HIGHER EVERYWHERE, LIKE, 46 00:05:58,624 --> 00:06:02,562 PROBABLY UP TO HERE. THIS IS THE MOST COMFORTABLE, AT, LIKE, THIS LEVEL, BECAUSE IF YOU LOOK, THIS IS ALL STRING. 47 00:06:02,562 --> 00:06:09,469 IT'S NOT GOING TO WORK FOR ANYONE. Chelsea: OKAY, FIRST OF ALL, THAT'S NOT A HELPFUL COMPARISON. 48 00:06:09,469 --> 00:06:20,980 NOBODY WHO CAN FIT INTO A BIKINI THAT SMALL HAS EVER EATEN A TORTILLA CHIP. AND THAT ASIDE, WHO IS THIS 49 00:06:20,980 --> 00:06:25,952 BIKINI FOR? IT DOESN'T EVEN COVER ALL YOUR GENITALS. IS SOMEONE SITTING AROUND GOING 50 00:06:25,952 --> 00:06:32,425 "MY VULVA'S EXTROVERTED BUT MY CLITORIS IS SHY." IN ORDER TO WEAR THAT BIKINI, YOU HAVE TO BORROW A BABY'S 51 00:06:32,425 --> 00:06:39,632 VAGINA. THIS THING IS GOING TO GO RIGHT UP YOUR PIKACHU. IT IS 52 00:06:39,632 --> 00:06:48,941 THE ONLY BIKINI THAT COMES WITH A BOX OF MONISTAT, BECAUSE YOU'RE GONNA NEED IT. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 53 00:06:48,941 --> 00:06:53,646 I'M SPEAKING FROM PERSONAL EXPERIENCE WHEN I SAY, THIS FEELS LIKE A BOTTOM THAT YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO THROW IN THE 54 00:06:53,646 --> 00:06:59,619 GARBAGE RIGHT AFTER YOU WHERE IT. I FEEL LIKE YOU ARE PRINTING US, KIM K. 55 00:06:59,619 --> 00:07:03,856 ONE DAY YOU'RE WEARING A TORTILLA CHIP BIKINI, THE NEXT YOU'RE SHOWING UP IN A BATMAN ONESIE. 56 00:07:03,856 --> 00:07:11,564 WHICH ONE IS IT, KIM? YOU NEED TO TELL US! JUST TELL US. YOU'RE OUR LEADER! 57 00:07:11,564 --> 00:07:21,541 [APPLAUSE] ANYWAY, I BOUGHT ONE. AND FINALLY, LET'S TALK ABOUT A GROUP THAT'S DEFINITELY NOT 58 00:07:21,541 --> 00:07:32,185 BUYING ANY TORTILLA-KINIS: THE TALIBAN. THESE ASSHOLES FOUGHT FOR 20 YEARS TO GET BACK IN 59 00:07:32,185 --> 00:07:35,254 CONTROL OF THE AFGHAN GOVERNMENT. BUT NOW THAT THEY HAVE IT, IT'S NOT NEARLY AS FULFILLING AS THEY 60 00:07:35,254 --> 00:07:40,126 THOUGHT. MEANWHILE, TO THE TALIBAN. IT'S BEEN ALMOST A YEAR AND A HALF SINCE THE U.S. LEFT 61 00:07:40,126 --> 00:07:44,864 AFGHANISTAN AND APPARENTLY THE RULING TALIBAN IS NOW THEY'RE BORED. INTERVIEWS WITH FORMER 62 00:07:44,864 --> 00:07:48,701 MUJAHIDIN REVEAL THAT THEY ARE NOT HAPPY HOLDING DOWN GOVERNMENT JOBS IN THE CITY. "WE HAD A GREAT DEGREE OF 63 00:07:48,701 --> 00:07:53,172 FREEDOM" DURING THE WAR, SAID ONE FIGHTER. "HOWEVER, THESE DAYS, YOU HAVE TO GO TO THE OFFICE BEFORE 64 00:07:53,172 --> 00:07:56,609 8:00 AM AND STAY THERE TILL 4:00 PM." OTHERS COMPLAINED ABOUT TRAFFIC AND CRIME RATES IN THE CITY, AND 65 00:07:56,609 --> 00:08:02,815 WORRIED THAT EASY INTERNET ACCESS HAS GOTTEN EVERYONE ADDICTED TO SOCIAL MEDIA. Chelsea: OKAY, BEFORE YOU 66 00:08:02,815 --> 00:08:11,290 LAUGH, I FOLLOW A BUNCH OF JIHADISTS ON TIKTOK AND THEY DO HAVE REALLY GOOD LIFE HACKS. A LOT OF IT INVOLVES ACTUAL 67 00:08:11,290 --> 00:08:16,629 HACKING, BUT STILL. IT IS SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT. I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS. THE TALIBAN IS ADDICTED TO 68 00:08:16,629 --> 00:08:21,534 SOCIAL MEDIA, HATES TRAFFIC, AND THEY'RE SCARED OF THE CRIME RATE IN THE CITY? ARE THEY A TERRORIST GROUP OR A 69 00:08:21,534 --> 00:08:32,645 WHITE GIRL FROM THE VALLEY? WHO KNEW THE TALIBAN ARE SUCH WHINY BITCHES? YOU SOUND LIKE TUCKER CARLSON! 70 00:08:32,645 --> 00:08:39,952 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] ACTUALLY, YOU GUYS HAVE A LOT IN COMMON. I'M NO MATCHMAKER, BUT IT SOUNDS 71 00:08:39,952 --> 00:08:49,695 LIKE A SWIPE TO THE RIGHT. THE FAR RIGHT. APPARENTLY, THE TALIBAN REALLY HATE LIVING IN THE CITY. 72 00:08:49,695 --> 00:08:56,302 WELL, GUESS WHAT: NONE OF THE AFGHAN PEOPLE IN THE CITY WANTED YOU THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE! 73 00:08:56,302 --> 00:09:00,640 ALL THE WOMEN WHO LIKED GOING TO SCHOOL AND DRIVING AND WORKING WON'T MISS YOU. IF YOU HATE THE CITY SO MUCH, GO 74 00:09:00,640 --> 00:09:06,078 BACK TO YOUR CAVE AND WORK BY ZOOM LIKE THE REST OF US. OKAY? I'M NOT EVEN IN THIS STUDIO 75 00:09:06,078 --> 00:09:14,654 RIGHT NOW. I'M USING A ZOOM BACKGROUND BECAUSE I AM REALLY AT BURNING MAN. 76 00:09:14,654 --> 00:09:18,591 THAT'S REALLY WHY I'M ON AYAHUASCA. FOR MORE ON THE TALIBAN, WE GO TO AFGHANISTAN WHERE DESI LYDIC 77 00:09:18,591 --> 00:09:29,335 IS REPORTING LIVE. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] THAT'S RIGHT, CHELSEA. I'M HERE ON THE FRONT LINES WITH 78 00:09:29,335 --> 00:09:38,577 THE TALIBAN. AND FOR THE RECORD, THESE GUYS ARE NOT LIKE THE MALL SANTA. THEIR BEARDS ARE 100% REAL. 79 00:09:38,577 --> 00:09:44,850 FOUND THAT OUT THE HARD WAY. Chelsea: THE FRONT LINES? OF WHAT? I THOUGHT THE WAR IS OVER. 80 00:09:44,850 --> 00:09:53,092 YES, THE WAR WITH THE UNITED STATES IS OVER. BUT AN OFFICE JOB IS ITS OWN TYPE OF WAR, THAT THE TALIBAN 81 00:09:53,092 --> 00:09:56,963 IS NOT PREPARED FOR IT AT ALL. GETTING HIT BY AMERICAN MISSILES IS BAD, BUT COMPARED TO EVERYONE FINDING OUT THAT YOU'RE THE 82 00:09:56,963 --> 00:10:04,603 OFFICE POOPER? I THINK WE'D ALL RATHER TAKE THE DRONES. Chelsea: BUT THIS IS WHAT THE 83 00:10:04,603 --> 00:10:11,043 TALIBAN WANTED! WHY WOULD YOU SPEND 20 YEARS TAKING OVER A COUNTRY IF YOU DIDN'T WANT TO RUN THE COUNTRY? 84 00:10:11,043 --> 00:10:16,716 OH, THEY WANT TO RUN THE COUNTRY BUT THEY DIDN'T KNOW WHAT WORKING IS LIKE THESE DAYS. I SAW ONE VETERAN FIGHTER 85 00:10:16,716 --> 00:10:21,587 ACCIDENTALLY LOG HIMSELF OUT OF SLACK. THEN, HE TRIED TO LOG IN, BUT IT SAID HE HAD TO VERIFY WITH HIS 86 00:10:21,587 --> 00:10:31,864 PHONE, BUT HIS PHONE SAID HE HAD TO VERIFY THE PHONE WITH SLACK. THEN HE TRIED TO CALL I.T. BUT THEY ONLY USE SLACK, AND LONG 87 00:10:31,864 --> 00:10:43,409 STORY SHORT, BY THE END OF THE DAY, HE BEHEADED HIMSELF. NOT TO MENTION, THIS IS A WHOLE NEW POWER STRUCTURE FOR THEM. 88 00:10:43,409 --> 00:10:46,545 THEY HAVE TO ANSWER TO AN H.R. PERSON NOW. Chelsea: THE TALIBAN HAS H.R.? 89 00:10:46,545 --> 00:10:52,752 OH, YEAH. SOMEONE'S GOT TO HANDLE ALL THE COMPLAINTS ABOUT THE WOMEN IN THE OFFICE. 90 00:10:52,752 --> 00:10:56,956 MAINLY THAT THERE'S WOMEN IN THE OFFICE. Chelsea: THAT MAKES SENSE. IT'S BAD, CHELSEA. 91 00:10:56,956 --> 00:11:06,365 THEY CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT. THEY TRIED TO THROW AN OFFICE PARTY, BUT THEY DON'T ALLOW ALCOHOL HERE. 92 00:11:06,365 --> 00:11:15,307 Chelsea: NO ALCOHOL? JUST BEER AND WINE? NO, NO. I MEAN, NO ALCOHOL. 93 00:11:15,307 --> 00:11:21,514 CAN YOU IMAGINE HAVING TO INTERACT WITH COWORKERS WITHOUT DRINKING? Chelsea: NO. 94 00:11:21,514 --> 00:11:37,563 THAT SOUNDS AWFUL. MISERABLE. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] Chelsea: WELL, NOW THAT THE 95 00:11:37,563 --> 00:11:44,570 TALIBAN IS DEMORALIZED, MAYBE THIS IS AMERICA'S CHANCE TO GO BACK IN AND DEFEAT THEM. THE BEAUTY IS THIS IS THAT WE 96 00:11:44,570 --> 00:11:53,546 DON'T NEED TO DO THAT, CHELSEA. WE CAN JUST SIT BACK AND LET THE MONOTONY OF THE 9 TO 5 OFFICE CULTURE TAKE ITS TOLL AS 97 00:11:53,546 --> 00:12:00,753 THEIR CUBICLE WALLS CLOSE IN AND THE FLUORESCENT LIGHTS DRAINED THEM OF THEIR WILL TO LIVE. Chelsea: SO, WHAT AMERICANS 98 00:12:00,753 --> 00:12:07,093 DID TO OURSELVES. NO, THAT'S TOTALLY DIFFERENT. BECAUSE IN AMERICA, WE LET WOMEN DO IT TOO. 99 00:12:07,093 --> 00:12:11,497 Chelsea: THANK YOU SO MUCH, DESI. ALL RIGHT, WHEN WE COME BACK, WE'LL BRING SOME OTHER PEOPLE TO 100 00:12:11,497 --> 00:12:16,502 TELL JOKES. SO DON'T GO AWAY. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 101 00:12:28,958 --> 00:12:43,940 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] Chelsea: WELCOME BACK TO "THE DAILY SHOW." THERE'S MORE STORIES OUT THERE 102 00:12:43,940 --> 00:12:53,850 TO TALK ABOUT, AND TO HELP ME TALK ABOUT THEM, I'VE BROUGHT IN SOME FRIENDS. PLEASE WELCOME SAM JAY, 103 00:12:53,850 --> 00:12:59,055 MATTEO LANE, AND SAM JAY! WELCOME TO THE SHOW, GUYS, THANKS FOR BEING HERE TONIGHT. THANKS. 104 00:12:59,055 --> 00:13:05,595 THINGS WERE HAVING US. Chelsea: THERE IS SOME STUFF THE NEWS I WANT TO GET YOUR TAKES ON. 105 00:13:05,595 --> 00:13:10,233 LEONARDO DiCAPRIO IS RUMORED TO BE DATING A 19-YEAR-OLD WOMAN BUT THEN HE SAID HE MAY NOT BE DATING A 19-YEAR-OLD WOMAN BUT I 106 00:13:10,233 --> 00:13:16,139 THINK THE TRUTH IS THAT HE PROBABLY IS DATING A 19-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. AND HE HAS THIS PATTERN, RIGHT? 107 00:13:16,139 --> 00:13:22,412 A LOT OF PEOPLE GET UPSET THAT HE ONLY DATES -- HE HAS NEVER WENT FROM 25 -- IF THIS IS TRUE -- TO 19. 108 00:13:22,412 --> 00:13:27,917 HE IS ALWAYS DATED WOMEN THAT ARE 25. I HAVE THE OPPOSITE PROBLEM. I'VE ONLY DATED MEN THAT ARE IN 109 00:13:27,917 --> 00:13:36,192 THE 50s, WHETHER I'M IN MY 20s, AND MY 30s, OR IN MY 40s, I ALWAYS LIKE OLDER MEN. SO I HAVE A GLASS CEILING AND HE 110 00:13:36,192 --> 00:13:42,999 HAS A GLASS BASEMENT. [LAUGHTER] DO YOU TAKE -- OBVIOUSLY, DO YOU TAKE OFFENSE -- WHAT -- I MEAN, 111 00:13:42,999 --> 00:13:49,639 I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT THE PROBLEM IS WHEN A MAN CAN ONLY DATE SOMEONE THAT IS, LIKE, THAT YOUNG. 112 00:13:49,639 --> 00:13:58,748 LIKE THEY DON'T MATURE WHAT WITH THEIR OWN AGE. AS A SPEEFOURTEEN PERSON, ON GRINDER, THEY SAY IT IS JUST A 113 00:13:58,748 --> 00:14:03,786 PREFERENCE. FOR REAL, I FEEL LIKE HE KEEPS IT RIGHT ABOVE -- YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, HE DOESN'T GO TOO 114 00:14:03,786 --> 00:14:10,727 LOW WHERE YOU ARE LIKE, "CRIMINAL." I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH HIM FOR HIS SPECIFICALLY BECAUSE 115 00:14:10,727 --> 00:14:16,833 I'M HIS AGE, I AM 47, I THINK HE IS 48. I WILL BE 48 AT SOME POINT HOPEFULLY. 116 00:14:16,833 --> 00:14:22,138 BUT I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH HIM DOING THAT BECAUSE I THINK HE JUST DOESN'T SO MUCH, YOU KNOW, GOOD STUFF TOO. 117 00:14:22,138 --> 00:14:27,176 HE IS SUCH A BIG ENVIRONMENTALIST. IT IS NOT LIKE HE IS A SCIENTOLOGIST OR SOMETHING. 118 00:14:27,176 --> 00:14:33,850 [LAUGHTER] HE IS DEALING WITH AGENTS, HE IS INTO MOVIE, THEN HE'S LIKE, HOW WAS YOUR DAY? 119 00:14:33,850 --> 00:14:38,221 SHE'S LIKE, MY LOCKER MATE IS THE WORST. [LAUGHTER] LIKE, SHE IS 19. 120 00:14:38,221 --> 00:14:44,527 TOM BRADY IS ALSO IN THE NEWS TODAY BECAUSE HE POSTED A PICTURE YESTERDAY, KIND OF A THIRST TRAP PICTURE. 121 00:14:44,527 --> 00:14:54,404 GAY. [LAUGHTER] TOM BRADY HAS NOT COME OUT AS GAY, OKAY? 122 00:14:54,404 --> 00:14:59,342 [LAUGHTER] WHEN HE DOES, TELL ME! [LAUGHTER] RICOH PICTURES SPEAK LOUDER THAN 123 00:14:59,342 --> 00:15:04,714 WORDS. [LAUGHTER] MY ISSUE WITH TOM BRADY IS LESS ABOUT HIS GAYNESS AND MORE 124 00:15:04,714 --> 00:15:09,419 ABOUT THE FACT THAT HE LET HIS WIFE LEAVE HIM WITH HIS CHILDREN. HE BROKE UP HIS ENTIRE FAMILY SO 125 00:15:09,419 --> 00:15:16,326 HE COULD PLAY AN EXTRA SEASON ON WHATEVER TEAM HE IS ON. THE TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS? IS THAT RIGHT? 126 00:15:16,326 --> 00:15:23,066 IS THAT THE TEAM HE IS ON? SHE IS FROM BOSTON. I AM SO OFFENDED BY WHATEVER THIS IS. 127 00:15:23,066 --> 00:15:28,504 HE LET HIS WIFE LEAVE HIM SO HE COULD GO PLAY WITH -- HE ACHIEVED GREATNESS. HE BECAME A FOOTBALL GOD. 128 00:15:28,504 --> 00:15:34,444 THAT TAKES TIME. YES, OKAY, GO AHEAD. [APPLAUSE] YEAH. 129 00:15:34,444 --> 00:15:38,247 BUT THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN THIS YEAR. HE DIDN'T ACHIEVE GREATNESS THIS YEAR. 130 00:15:38,247 --> 00:15:47,190 THAT IS WHY HE IS SHOWING HALF HIS PACKAGE. [LAUGHTER] AND IT IS THE HALF PACKAGE 131 00:15:47,190 --> 00:15:52,462 THAT BOTHERS ME. WHY ARE YOU COVERING UP THE GOODS? HE IS SITTING THERE LIKE A 132 00:15:52,462 --> 00:16:00,336 KID, LIKE A 7-YEAR-OLD IN CHURCH WHO HAS TO PEE. OR HE IS SITTING THERE LIKE A GREEK ADONIS WITH A LOT TO SHOW 133 00:16:00,336 --> 00:16:08,811 YOU. [LAUGHTER] THOSE UNDERWEAR, THOSE LOOK LIKE SKIMS. 134 00:16:08,811 --> 00:16:12,849 [LAUGHTER] EVERY GAY INSTAGRAM OUT IT JUST IN ONE PHOTO. [LAUGHTER] 135 00:16:12,849 --> 00:16:20,790 THERE IS A 9-YEAR-OLD NAMED DAVID BALOGUN, HE GRADUATED FROM REGENT CYBER CHARTER SCHOOL AFTER TAKING ONLINE CLASSES. 136 00:16:20,790 --> 00:16:28,164 SO HE IS 9. HE STARTED HIGH SCHOOL RIGHT BEFORE COVID HIT AND THEN HE GRADUATED IN THREE YEARS WITH A 137 00:16:28,164 --> 00:16:32,201 4.0 GPA. AND HE WANTS TO BE AN ASTROPHYSICIST. GOD. 138 00:16:32,201 --> 00:16:42,044 I MEAN, THIS KID IS ANNOYING THE SHIT OUT OF ME. [LAUGHTER] [APPLAUSE] 139 00:16:42,044 --> 00:16:48,117 I MEAN, HE COMPLETED A SEMESTER AT BUCKS COUNTY COMMUNITY COLLEGE, WHICH IS THE ONLY THING I HAVE IN COMMON WITH HIM. 140 00:16:48,117 --> 00:16:52,188 HE ALSO COMPLETED ONE SEMESTER AT COMMUNITY COLLEGE. [LAUGHTER] I DON'T LIKE WHEN KIDS GET LIKE 141 00:16:52,188 --> 00:16:57,660 THIS. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? I JUST WANT TO SAY, WHEN I WAS NINE YEARS OLD, I WAS 142 00:16:57,660 --> 00:17:05,067 WATCHING X-MEN PRETENDING I WAS STORM AND EATING TRIX FOR KIDS. HOW WAS THE ARCTIC GRADUATING COLLEGE? 143 00:17:05,067 --> 00:17:11,040 DURING COVID, WHEN EVERYONE IS MAKING EXCUSES ABOUT NOT GETTING ANYTHING DONE OR WHATEVER BECAUSE WE ARE SAD OR 144 00:17:11,040 --> 00:17:16,512 LONELY OR ALONE OR WE ARE NOT ALONE ENOUGH, AND THEN THIS KID IS JUST HAD TO GET OUT OF THE PARK. 145 00:17:16,512 --> 00:17:22,985 THIS IS ANOTHER REASON NOT TO HAVE KIDS. [LAUGHTER] [APPLAUSE] 146 00:17:22,985 --> 00:17:32,662 DO NOT SEND HIM TO COLLEGE! SENT HIM TO THE STREETS, OKAY! WE NEED MORE GENIUSES MAKING AI! WE NEED GANGSTERS. 147 00:17:32,662 --> 00:17:38,634 [LAUGHTER] THERE HAS BEEN ANOTHER NEW DISCOVERY. JUPITER, THE PLANET -- 148 00:17:38,634 --> 00:17:47,043 [LAUGHTER] HAS 92 MOONS, 12 OF WHICH THEY HAD MISSED PRIOR, AND THEY JUST FOUND 12 MORE MOONS SURROUNDING 149 00:17:47,043 --> 00:17:53,282 JUPITER. IF THIS IS A VERY CONFUSING TIME FOR ME BECAUSE IF YOU KNOW ME WELL, YOU KNOW THAT I AM VERY 150 00:17:53,282 --> 00:18:00,156 CONFUSED ABOUT THE GALAXY. I JUST WISH THAT WE WOULD ALL GET TO A POINT WHERE A SCIENTIST WOULD BE LIKE HEY, Y'ALL, WE 151 00:18:00,156 --> 00:18:07,330 DON'T KNOW SHIT, AND STOP THERE. Chelsea: YEAH. LIKE, IT'S JUST -- Y'ALL DON'T KNOW. 152 00:18:07,330 --> 00:18:13,169 Chelsea: I DON'T LIKE FINDING OUT ABOUT PLANETS OR THAT ALIENS ARE COMING. I KNOW THAT THERE ARE ALIENS OUT 153 00:18:13,169 --> 00:18:17,773 THERE BUT I DON'T WANT TO COMINGLE WITH THEM. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? I'M NOT LOOKING TO MEET THEM, I 154 00:18:17,773 --> 00:18:23,045 DON'T WANT TO FIND OUT MORE SURPRISING THINGS ABOUT THE GALAXY. IT JUST ALL KIND OF ANNOYS ME. 155 00:18:23,045 --> 00:18:31,287 IT IS JUST LIKE -- NASA IS LIKE A REALLY EXPENSIVE PROGRAM TO LOOK AT ROCKS. I AGREE. 156 00:18:31,287 --> 00:18:42,632 I AGREE. WHY ARE WE SENDING ALL THIS MONEY TO JUPLINO, BUT WE CAN'T GET IT OUT OF THE SUBWAY? 157 00:18:42,632 --> 00:18:46,035 PRIORITIES, PEOPLE! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] I KNOW. THEY ARE LIKE, LOOK AT ALL THIS 158 00:18:46,035 --> 00:18:51,040 WATER THAT IS ON THIS MOON OFF JUPITER! I'M LIKE, DOESN'T FLINCH NEED BETTER WATER? 159 00:18:51,040 --> 00:18:56,812 WHAT ARE WE DOING? Chelsea: THANK YOU. WHEN WE COME BACK, ASHLEY GRAHAM WILL BE JOINING US. 160 00:18:56,812 --> 00:18:58,381 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 161 00:19:09,158 --> 00:19:14,530 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] Chelsea: WELCOME BACK TO "THE DAILY SHOW." MY GUEST TONIGHT IS A SUPERMODEL 162 00:19:14,530 --> 00:19:20,703 AND DESIGNER WHO'S BECOME A FIXTURE ON EVERY MAJOR MAGAZINE COVER AND FASHION RUNWAY. PLEASE WELCOME MY FRIEND 163 00:19:20,703 --> 00:19:34,784 ASHLEY GRAHAM! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] ♪ ♪ HEY! 164 00:19:34,784 --> 00:19:41,824 HEY, MAMA! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] I LIKE THIS AUDIENCE. THEY ARE NICE AND LIVELY. 165 00:19:41,824 --> 00:19:46,228 Chelsea: I KNOW. ISN'T IT A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL AUDIENCE! HELLO, AUDIENCE! 166 00:19:46,228 --> 00:19:53,002 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] NOW AM I JUST SITTING REALLY TALL AND YOU ARE SITTING SHORT? I FEEL LIKE -- 167 00:19:53,002 --> 00:20:02,111 Chelsea: YEAH, YOU FEEL LIKE YOU ARE A LITTLE TALLER THAN ME. THAT'S OKAY. 168 00:20:02,111 --> 00:20:06,048 Chelsea: THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE TODAY. I AM SO EXCITED TO TALK TO YOU BECAUSE I ALWAYS LOVE TO TALK TO 169 00:20:06,048 --> 00:20:10,252 YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE REAL AND NOT FULL OF SHIT LIKE ALL OF THESE OTHER MODELS. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 170 00:20:10,252 --> 00:20:12,622 THANK YOU. I LIKE TO KEEP IT HONEST, KEEP IT REAL. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE OTHER 171 00:20:12,622 --> 00:20:17,760 MODELS ARE LYING ABOUT BUT I DO KNOW WHAT I'M TELLING THE TRUTH ABOUT, AND IT'S ME. I THINK EVERYBODY NEEDS TO HAVE 172 00:20:17,760 --> 00:20:23,633 A LITTLE HONEST -- HONEST TRUTH ON INSTAGRAM AND SOCIAL MEDIA. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] Chelsea: YEAH, AND I 173 00:20:23,633 --> 00:20:29,005 FEEL -- ABSOLUTELY. I FEEL THE SAME WAY BECAUSE I FIND IT VERY FRUSTRATING, ESPECIALLY WHEN WE THINK ABOUT 174 00:20:29,005 --> 00:20:35,778 YOUNG GIRLS COMING UP AND GROWING UP AND WATCHING EVERYBODY ON SOCIAL MEDIA, NOW THAT EVERYBODY'S DIRTY LAUNDRY 175 00:20:35,778 --> 00:20:42,385 IS THERE FOR EVERYBODY TO SEE, IT IS SUCH A CRAPPY EXAMPLE TO LET THEM BELIEVE THAT EVERYBODY LOOKS PERFECT ALL THE TIME, WHEN 176 00:20:42,385 --> 00:20:48,190 PEOPLE ARE WALKING AROUND IN THOSE TORTILLA CHIP BIKINIS. WITHOUT GETTING SOME MAJOR THINGS ONTO THEIR BODIES TO 177 00:20:48,190 --> 00:20:54,130 AFFORD THAT TO HAPPEN, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? 100%. Chelsea: AND YOU ARE ALL 178 00:20:54,130 --> 00:21:00,936 ABOUT BODY POSITIVITY. YEAH, I LIKE TO REPRESENT MYSELF AS SOMEONE WHO IS JUST HAPPY WITH WHO I AM. 179 00:21:00,936 --> 00:21:07,943 AND I HAVE HAD A JOURNEY. LIKE, IT IS A JOURNEY. BODY CONFIDENCE, BEING OKAY WITH WHO YOU ARE IS A JOURNEY, AND 180 00:21:07,943 --> 00:21:14,016 THERE HAS BEEN WAVES OF IT THAT I HAVE HAD MENTAL ISSUES WITH MY BODY OR JUST PHYSICAL ISSUES WITH MY BODY AND -- BUT YOU GO 181 00:21:14,016 --> 00:21:20,489 THROUGH IT. AND I THINK THAT IS THE WHOLE THING. I TALK ABOUT IT. 182 00:21:20,489 --> 00:21:25,227 I DON'T EVER WANT TO LIE. BECAUSE I THINK ABOUT MYSELF, WE THINK ABOUT WHEN WE WERE YOUNGER, WHAT WERE THE 183 00:21:25,227 --> 00:21:32,768 CELEBRITIES AND INFLUENCERS AND PEOPLE WE WERE LOOKING UP TO, AND THERE WASN'T ENOUGH BEING TALKED ABOUT THEN, BUT NOW WE 184 00:21:32,768 --> 00:21:38,040 HAVE THE PLATFORM, WE HAVE THE SPACE TO BE ABLE TO TALK ABOUT IT, SO WE DON'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT BUT IT IS JUST SUCH A 185 00:21:38,040 --> 00:21:43,979 PROBLEM. Chelsea: THERE WAS NO PHRASE -- FIRST OF ALL, THERE WEREN'T INFLUENCERS WHEN WE 186 00:21:43,979 --> 00:21:50,386 WERE GROWING UP. NOBODY WAS -- Chelsea: AND THAT WAS A MORE PLEASANT TIME, I WOULD 187 00:21:50,386 --> 00:21:54,857 ARGUE. LITTLE BIT. [APPLAUSE] BEFORE SOCIAL MEDIA, IT WAS A 188 00:21:54,857 --> 00:22:01,397 LOT EASIER, WASN'T IT? Chelsea: IT WAS A LOT EASIER AND THE TERM "BODY POSITIVITY" WASN'T EVEN AROUND 189 00:22:01,397 --> 00:22:07,703 WHEN WE WERE GROWING UP, SO NOW THERE'S BODY POSITIVITY, WHICH MEANS YOU ARE VERY HAPPY OR YOU EMBRACE ALL OF YOUR SHORTCOMINGS 190 00:22:07,703 --> 00:22:12,274 -- I FEEL POSITIVE ABOUT WHERE I AM IN LIFE AND IT HAS GONE UP AND DOWN. 191 00:22:12,274 --> 00:22:25,321 THEN THERE IS BODY NEUTRALITY. Chelsea: WHICH IS WHAT? BODY NEUTRALITY IS I'M HAPPY TO BE IN MY BODY. 192 00:22:25,321 --> 00:22:29,358 SO YOU ARE NOT GIVING THIS IDEA OF PERFECTION. BECAUSE I MEAN, THE WHOLE ALTERING YOUR BODY THROUGH JUST 193 00:22:29,358 --> 00:22:33,863 ONE CLICK OR ONE PINCH, THAT IS A LIE. A LIE TO EVERYONE THAT IS FOLLOWING YOU. 194 00:22:33,863 --> 00:22:37,533 IT'S NOT NICE. Chelsea: NO, IT'S NOT NICE. BUT BODY NEUTRALITY -- I DON'T THINK I'M EVEN THERE YET. 195 00:22:37,533 --> 00:22:43,472 I DON'T WAKE UP AND GO, OH, MY GOD, MY BODY IS A VESSEL. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? [LAUGHTER] 196 00:22:43,472 --> 00:22:47,409 THERE ARE LAYERS TO THIS. Chelsea: THERE ARE LAYERS TO IT, EVEN FOR A GROWN WOMAN LIKE MYSELF -- I CAN'T BELIEVE I 197 00:22:47,409 --> 00:22:53,115 JUST REFERRED TO MYSELF AS A GROWN WOMAN. BUT I GUESS THAT'S WHAT I AM. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 198 00:22:53,115 --> 00:23:01,590 YOU ARE A GROWN WOMAN. Chelsea: [LAUGHS] FASHION WEEK STARTS THIS WEEK, SO ARE YOU WALKING ANY SHOWS? 199 00:23:01,590 --> 00:23:05,394 I'M GOING O WALK, I'M GOING TO SIT, I'M TO JOIN THE PARTIES. I ALREADY DID A FEW THINGS. Chelsea: DO YOU LOVE 200 00:23:05,394 --> 00:23:10,866 FASHION WEEK? IT IS LIKE LOVE/HATE. BECAUSE FASHION IS SO MUCH FUN. I AM WEARING A BALMAIN DRESS 201 00:23:10,866 --> 00:23:20,142 TONIGHT, RIGHT NOW, THANK YOU, OLIVIER, FOR MAKING MY SIZE. AND YOU FIND A DESIGNER 202 00:23:20,142 --> 00:23:26,182 YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH AND THEY DON'T MAKE YOUR SIZE. SO THERE STILL IS THIS LONG JOURNEY I THINK AHEAD OF US WITH 203 00:23:26,182 --> 00:23:31,187 DESIGNERS, BECAUSE FOR WHATEVER REASON, THERE IS JUST THIS CYCLE OF ISSUES WHEN IT COMES TO MAKING SIZES THAT CAN FIT THE 204 00:23:31,187 --> 00:23:38,761 U.S. MAJORITY, WHICH IS A SIZE 14/16. THAT IS THE MAJORITY OF U.S. WOMEN, THAT IS THE SIZE WE ARE. 205 00:23:38,761 --> 00:23:44,533 SO WHY ARE YOU MISSING OUT ON THIS BILLION-DOLLAR BUSINESS? WHY DON'T YOU WANT DRESS US? I DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT. 206 00:23:44,533 --> 00:23:55,611 Chelsea: RIGHT. I'M HERE TO SUPPORT. I LOVE FASHION BUT THE BIGGEST PROBLEM IS, THERE JUST ISN'T 207 00:23:55,611 --> 00:23:59,548 ENOUGH DESIGNERS MAKING CLOTHES OUR SIZE. Chelsea: YOU FOR AMAZING THINGS FOR A LOT OF MODELS. 208 00:23:59,548 --> 00:24:03,819 I APPRECIATE EVERYTHING YOU ARE DOING, ON BEHALF OF ALL WOMEN. ABSOLUTELY. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 209 00:24:03,819 --> 00:24:08,624 WE ARE GOING TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK AND WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THIS. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 210 00:24:08,624 --> 00:24:09,391 ♪ ♪ 211 00:24:12,762 --> 00:24:21,271 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] Chelsea: THAT'S OUR SHOW FOR TONIGHT BUT BEFORE WE GO: PLEASE CONSIDER SUPPORTING THE KARAM 212 00:24:21,271 --> 00:24:27,844 FOUNDATION. THEY ARE AN ORGANIZATION PROVIDING DISASTER RELIEF IN SYRIA. 213 00:24:27,844 --> 00:24:31,047 IF YOU'D LIKE TO SUPPORT THEM IN THEIR WORK, PLEASE DONATE AT THE LINK BELOW. NOW, HERE IT IS. 214 00:24:31,047 --> 00:24:39,356 YOUR "MOMENT OF ZEN." IT'S HAPPENING! IT'S HAPPENING! IT'S OFFICIAL! 215 00:24:39,356 --> 00:24:46,629 OH, MY GOSH, IT'S HAPPENING! BEYONCE IS COMING! LOOK AT THIS. SHE IS ANNOUNCING HER WORLD 216 00:24:46,629 --> 00:24:50,700 TOUR! TAKE ALL OF MY MONEY. WHATEVER YOU NEED, GIRL.