ANNOUNCER: From New York City, the only city in America,
it's the show that invented news.
This is The Daily Show with your host, Chelsea Handler.
[crowd cheering]
Welcome to The Daily Show.
I am Chelsea Handler.
And tonight is night three of me hosting The Daily Show,
and I wanted to try something different so I'm sober.
I'm open-minded enough to try anything once.
We have a lot of exciting developments tonight,
so let's get right into the headlines.
[music playing]
Let's kick things off with the news out of Congress today
where Republicans held a hearing about how social media
silences conservatives, at least that's what
they were trying to prove.
The problem is once Twitter executives started testifying,
we found out that lots of complaints
came from the big, fat baby who used to be president.
Earlier, you testified about a 2019 tweet that
was about President Trump.
And I think it was from Ms. Teigen.
What was the tweet about?
Please excuse my language.
This is a direct quote.
But Chrissy Teigen referred to Donald Trump
as a pussy-ass bitch.
OK.
From my understanding, the White House reached out to ask
that this tweet be removed.
At that time up, to three insults were allowed,
and so it was our job to determine
how many insults were included within that phrase.
[crowd cheering]
I love that Twitter had to decide whether pussy-ass
bitch was one insult or three.
It does beg the question.
Is Donald Trump a pussy and an ass and a bitch?
Or is he just a bitch with pussy-ass qualities?
[crowd cheering]
I love when I have to get philosophical.
Interesting that Trump doesn't like
being called a pussy-ass bitch when those
are his three favorite things.
Either way, asking Twitter to take
down a mean tweet about you is really a pussy-ass bitch move.
But that's enough about the old president.
Let's move on to the new president,
who also is very old.
Last night was the State of the Union, Washington DC's biggest
non-orgy event of the year.
And I'm going to be honest--
I have never watched the State of the Union
before because I have a life.
So I wasn't looking forward to it,
but I'm glad I tuned in because it wasn't nearly as boring
as I thought it would be.
In fact, it's apparently got a bit
of a UFC/junior-high-cafeteria vibe now.
Even before the speech started, things started getting rowdy.
There were some tense moments at last night's State
of the Union address.
Cameras captured a heated exchange
between embattled Congressman George Santos
and Senator Mitt Romney.
One lip reader posted this account
of how the exchange went down.
[crowd cheering]
I would like to go on the record
tonight and say that I am sexually
attracted to Mitt Romney.
It's not the first time and it won't be the last time.
I don't even care that he's a Republican or a Mormon.
In fact, since he's a Mormon, he'll be open to another wife.
And if not, he's a Republican so he'll
be open to having an affair.
Problem solved.
And, yeah, what Romney said doesn't sound too harsh,
but remember it's Mitt Romney.
You ought to be embarrassed, son,
is the Mormon equivalent of suck my [bleep]
[bleep] you pussy-ass bitch.
[crowd cheering]
And then, when Biden actually started talking,
his Republican friends across the aisle were not having it.
Entering a house chamber now run by Republicans,
President Biden extending his hand to the new speaker,
Kevin McCarthy, before confronting
Republican heckling head on.
Tangling over the fate of Social Security and Medicare,
the president taking aim at an idea
floated by just a few Republicans.
Instead of making the wealthy pay their fair share,
some Republicans--
some Republicans want Medicare and Social Security to sunset.
I'm not saying it's a majority.
The comment drawing outrage and boos
including from GOP firebrand Marjorie Taylor Greene.
Republicans were acting like wild animals and I liked it.
Keep this up, you guys.
You finally made a State of the Union watchable.
Marjorie Taylor Greene stood up during the speech
and screamed out, "liar."
And then George Santos stood up and is like, over here.
[crowd cheering]
What are we going to do about Marjorie Taylor Greene?
I mean, she's like one of those dogs that needs a big backyard
to run outside and expend all of her energy,
but instead she's stuck living inside a one bedroom apartment
slamming her head against the wall.
When are they going to put this woman
on Real Housewives of Atlanta?
And, to be fair, MTG wasn't the only one dressed
like a lunatic last night.
Look at the outfit Kyrsten Sinema chose to wear.
She looks like she's going to a quinceañera as the pinata.
[crowd cheering]
For a comprehensive look at the State of the Union,
we go to Roy Wood, Junior, who's in DC.
[crowd cheering]
Well, Chels, hello.
Hi, Roy.
You were at the State of the Union.
What did you think of Biden's speech?
Chelsea, it was amazing.
I loved all the things the president said.
Biden talked, and he said some stuff,
and he talked a little bit.
Back to you.
Well, wait. Wait.
Wait, Roy, we just started.
Like, what specifically did you like
about the State of the Union?
Oh, well, you know, all of it, you know.
I liked the part where he talked about the Union
and the state it's in.
You know, Russia, health care, eggs, he was talking.
He said some stuff.
It sounds like you didn't actually watch the speech.
All right. Fine.
I didn't watch it, OK?
I didn't watch the State of the Union.
I went to a bar to watch LeBron James
break the all-time scoring record in the NBA!
That's where I was.
I was at a bar.
Pardon me for wanting to see history.
How do you expect me to pay attention
to a boring-ass speech?
I don't care about Biden.
That mother [bleep] can't even dunk.
Well, first off, you don't know that he can't dunk.
And second, I'm sorry the game interfered with your job,
but they can't move the State of the Union.
What you mean they can't move the State of the Union.
It ain't Christmas.
It's just an old dude talking to a bunch of other old dudes.
That can happen at any time.
Biden should either have moved the speech back a week
or just done the speech at the game.
He could have fit the whole thing in during the timeout.
Infrastructure good.
Gas prices low.
Police bad, but also good.
Build Back Better on 3!
1, 2, 3, Build Back Better!
That's all he had to do.
Well, Roy, I'm glad that you got to watch the Lakers win.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
The Lakers lost.
But in a way, isn't that a metaphor for America.
In what way?
Yeah, I don't know.
I was hoping you had something.
But aren't you excited about this?
You live in LA.
You must be hyped up LeBron broke the record.
Yeah, definitely.
Because now he has more points than the guy
that had it before.
And you know who that is right?
Yep.
Of course I do.
He's the tall Black guy.
OK.
So you are a fan.
That's right.
Roy Wood, Junior, everybody!
All right.
When we come back, we'll find out why I'm ruining
society so don't go away.
[crowd cheering]
[applause]
Welcome back to the Daily show.
One thing that I have made abundantly clear
is that I do not want children.
I say it on stage.
I say it in interviews.
It's the first thing I say to myself in the mirror
when I wake up each morning right before I tell myself,
God, you're a dynamic woman.
Kids don't respect me, and quite frankly,
the feeling is mutual.
And the fact is there are millions of women
just like me, but for some reason
every single one of us at some point in our lives
is shamed by society for not wanting a baby.
And that's what I want to talk about in tonight's installment
of Long Story Short,.
[music playing]
In America, and honestly everywhere,
motherhood is treated as a woman's essential purpose
in life, as if our destiny is to let a tiny stranger
rip a hole through our Pikachu from the inside out.
And then as soon as we turn 18, we're
just supposed to sit back and wait for Nick Cannon
to impregnate us.
And look, I have infinite respect for moms,
but motherhood is hard.
It's so hard, it even broke Marie Kondo.
Tidying up was her life's work.
Then she has kids and was like, [bleep] it.
Living in squalor is fine.
So it really shouldn't be surprising that some women
aren't signing up.
But many people aren't just surprised, they're horrified.
Childless women are seen as unfulfilled,
unhappy, even the Pope has slammed us, saying that not
having children is selfish.
First of all, I am not going to take
procreation advice from a guy who's
never even penetrated anyone.
Well, not that we know of anyway.
And what's crazy is that for some reason,
people feel entitled to tell you what a horrible person
you are right to your face.
When people ask me do you have children,
and I say no, they always look at me then and say,
oh, I'm sorry, as if like there's something
like physically wrong with me.
I've had people break down in tears to me about the fact
that me not having children is robbing them of something.
I've gotten everything from your selfish
for not wanting children.
Your childhood must have been terrible if you
don't want to have children.
Are you one of these career-thirsty women that
doesn't want children, and how could you deny your man
the chance to have children.
I wouldn't want to be with you.
Yes, because men are so upset every time
they're denied a chance to have a child.
Watch an episode of Maury Povich
to see how excited men get to find
out that they are the father.
And it's bad enough when people judge your life
choices, but apparently childless women aren't just
harming themselves.
We're actually destroying society.
You look at Kamala Harris, AOC,
the entire future of the Democrats
is controlled by people without children.
And how does it make any sense that we've
turned our country over to people who don't really
have a direct stake in it?
We're effectively run in this country, via the Democrats,
via our corporate oligarchs by a bunch of childless cat
ladies who are miserable at their own lives
and the choices that they've made,
and so they want to make the rest of the country
miserable, too.
Maybe if you two weren't such boner killers
women would want to have more children.
I don't want to make the country miserable.
I love this country.
It's where all of my things are.
And I've got news for everyone.
Instead of shaming childless women
for what we're doing to the country,
you should be thanking us.
We are saving society.
We are more likely to give our money to charity.
We have a lower carbon footprint.
We're the reason there are fewer
screaming children on airplanes, in movie theaters,
and restaurants.
And every baby we don't give birth to
is one less baby that could grow
up to be the next Elon Musk.
And guess how many children he has?
Nine.
You better bring them all to Mars with you, buddy, OK?
And when are you going to Mars?
Go already!
But these Fox News trolls are right about one thing.
I am miserable.
In fact, I was just scrolling through my Instagram feed
the other day realizing how miserable I am.
I'm miserable on the beach.
And then here I am miserable on the top of a mountain.
And then here I am miserable scuba diving.
And then I'm miserable again smoking a joint in a hot tub.
Every day is truly a new circle of hell for me.
The simple truth is that I'm not having a kid because I'm
happier without them, and that's really not of anyone's
concern but my own.
And no, I don't hate kids.
I just don't want them.
That's what's so great about nieces and nephews.
I love being an aunt.
I'm crushing that role.
Guess who gave each one of them their first edible?
This girl.
Yeah!
But hey, what do I know?
I'm just an unfulfilled, lonely, miserable
waste of two ovaries.
So if you want to know the real issues with not having
children, you need to talk to your OB GYN
like I did take a look.
Oh.
I bet you have been around the world a couple of times.
You're like a pussy GoPro.
Oh.
- Chelsea. - Hey.
Hi.
Great to meet you.
You too.
So I'm just going over your chart here.
It says you don't plan on having any children.
No.
It actually says, quote, never, ever,
not even if me and Chris Hemsworth
were the last two humans on Earth.
Yeah, I mean, if he and I hooked up,
it would probably just be a bunch of butt play.
OK.
Well, not having kids is a big decision,
and you should know it's going to affect your body
and your life in a major way.
What kind of ways, doctor?
Well, for starters, your body will never
go through the trauma of childbirth.
You'll have what the medical community calls
beautiful, boisterous breasts, and a very tight,
tight, little, little vagina.
That's funny because I've been hearing a lot about that
from different people that I've been having casual sex with,
giving me different kinds of compliments,
and I thought it was just dirty talk.
No, no, no.
That's a medical term.
How much sleep do you get?
I mean, it varies.
Anywhere from 8 to 16 hours a night,
you know, depending on what I get up to.
If I go to like one of Leo's sex parties,
I'll be up really, really late, and then I'll come home
and I'll be starving.
And then I'll have an entire pizza in my bed,
and then I just finish myself off one more
time and sleep like a baby.
Is that normal?
Perfectly normal for someone with your condition.
Great.
It's probably--
You have great muscle tone.
Thank you.
It's probably because I have so much free time to work
out after I'm sleeping.
Amen to that sister.
Are we doing anything that is going to require me to be
in a hospital gown today?
No.
Now I know all this information can be really overwhelming,
which is why I am going to prescribe
some recreational drugs.
Here's a sample for you to take home.
Oh my God, I love pills.
Thank you.
Oh, and there's one more thing we should talk about--
ultrasound.
Oh I didn't think I was getting an ultrasound today.
Ultrasound, the music festival.
Three days in the desert.
Lizzo headlining.
And I bet you can get there because why?
You don't have any kids at home to worry about.
Oh my God.
Thank you.
This is like the best doctor's appointment I've ever had.
You're so welcome, and you know what?
Literally nothing is going to go wrong for you.
It was so nice to meet you.
It was a pleasure to meet you, too.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Oh by the way, you do have gonorrhea.
Thanks, doc.
And stay tuned because when we come back,
I'll be joined by the undisputed super feather
weight champion of the world.
So don't go away.
[crowd cheering]
Welcome back to The Daily Show.
My guest tonight is a professional boxer
who just became the undisputed super-featherweight champion.
REPORTER: What did you think of your performance
in this fight?
It was great.
You know, I dug deep.
Listen, I started my period today,
so that should tell you. Yeah.
REPORTER: Geez. All right.
Yeah.
That should tell you that us women can do it all.
So-- - Keeping it real.
Yes, sir.
Please welcome Alycia Baumgardner.
[crowd cheering]
Hi!
Welcome!
Thank you.
[music playing]
Hi.
Oh, my god.
I'm so excited to meet you.
You're such a bad ass.
- Bad ass. - You are.
Thank you.
Even though I need you to break down a little bit for me
because I'm not familiar with the term.
So what does featherweight mean?
So I'm super featherweight.
So that's 130.
OK.
So that is my fighting division
that I became undisputed.
OK.
I'm one-- OK.
I'm also 130, so, I mean, we're in the same weight
class, at least.
But had you ever fought at that weight before?
Yes, it's always been my weight
class that I've dominated since I became world champion.
And, yep.
So talk to me little bit about like the gender
disparity in boxing.
Because, obviously, women, I mean, it is a new thing.
You're hearing more and more about female boxers,
but I would obviously guess that you've been around
for a long time, female. boxers,
and they're just now getting some of the attention
that they deserve.
Yes, very long time.
I think it's important that women
are just stepping on the platform
and making a name for themselves.
Yep.
And, you know, we are-- boxing is a male-dominated sport,
but I don't look at it as a male-dominated sport.
I look at it as a sport where I'm
able to capitalize in and make a difference as a woman.
And I'm truly blessed to be able to do that.
Yeah, you are.
And so what's your, like, what is your training regimen like?
I mean, what's your everyday situation?
Break it down for me.
Yeah.
So, with a camp, it's very, very hard,
but it's all rewarding.
So we get up for a 5:30 run in the morning, a good 3 miles.
And then we go to the gym.
Depending on how many rounds we're sparring,
we can do eight rounds.
Women fight 2 minutes, 10 rounds
four championship fights.
And then for a third workout, we do a recovery.
So that could be a swim, that could be stretching, yoga.
But it's very-- it's very hard, but it's very rewarding.
And I was well prepared for that fight.
Yeah.
It must take a lot of mental grit, right?
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Like, what are you thinking when
you're beating the shit out of somebody in a boxing ring?
I'm like, I hope they feel that.
Yeah.
So I have a question because I know
there's a lot of these people who aren't really boxers,
like, influencers.
I hate that word so much-- influencers.
It's so stupid.
But, like, that are doing-- that are having boxing fights,
like big, promotional boxing fights.
Like Logan Paul, I know, is one of them.
What are your thoughts on that?
My thoughts are boxing is an entertainment sport, right?
So when you're stepping into the sport, it's fun
but it's also serious that you have
to go in there with a mind that people
are risking their lives.
So it's all fun and games, but you have to be a professional
when you step in there.
So I get it.
But at the same time, we have to respect the sport
and respect who you are when you're
stepping into that ring, and who you're fighting as well.
Yeah.
And what is-- can I ask you what you did?
How do you celebrate after you win
a boxing match like you did at Madison Square Garden
this past weekend?
You know, honestly, this time my whole family got to come.
I fought in London the last three fights.
So my whole family was there.
We got to celebrate, and just really
just mingle and just catch up.
So that was my celebration.
But do you have alcohol?
Let's, I mean, get to details.
Like, are you-- what are you into?
How do you-- yeah.
Do you drink?
Yeah, I do, actually.
I have a drink.
A Moscow mule's my go-to. - Oh.
OK?
Yeah, I like a Moscow mule.
Although we have to change that name now with the war.
We need to call it something else, you know?
I like that drink, too, but I don't
like ordering a Moscow mule.
But I would like to share a Moscow meal with you.
All right.
Yeah.
Congratulations on everything. - Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you so much for coming and sitting down with us,
and I wish you the best of luck.
Thank you so much.
Not that you'll need it.
Alicia Baumgardner everyone.
OK.
We're going to take a quick break
and we'll be right back after this.
[crowd cheering]
That's our show for tonight.
But before we go, here it is, your moment of zen.
Here's the real state of the Union.
I'm the most corrupt president in American history.
And it's not even close.
I'm a disaster.
But the good news is that Joe Biden
is running for president, and I'm going to jail.
Thank you.
MTV.