1 00:00:01,635 --> 00:00:04,738 ANNOUNCER: From New York City, the only city in America, 2 00:00:04,838 --> 00:00:07,574 it's the show that invented news. 3 00:00:07,674 --> 00:00:12,446 This is The Daily Show with your host, Chelsea Handler. 4 00:00:12,546 --> 00:00:19,553 [crowd cheering] 5 00:00:29,696 --> 00:00:31,098 Welcome to The Daily Show. 6 00:00:31,198 --> 00:00:32,933 I am Chelsea Handler. 7 00:00:33,033 --> 00:00:36,603 And tonight is night three of me hosting The Daily Show, 8 00:00:36,703 --> 00:00:42,176 and I wanted to try something different so I'm sober. 9 00:00:42,276 --> 00:00:45,846 I'm open-minded enough to try anything once. 10 00:00:45,946 --> 00:00:48,148 We have a lot of exciting developments tonight, 11 00:00:48,248 --> 00:00:50,250 so let's get right into the headlines. 12 00:00:50,350 --> 00:00:55,489 [music playing] 13 00:00:55,589 --> 00:00:58,091 Let's kick things off with the news out of Congress today 14 00:00:58,192 --> 00:01:01,562 where Republicans held a hearing about how social media 15 00:01:01,662 --> 00:01:04,932 silences conservatives, at least that's what 16 00:01:05,065 --> 00:01:06,266 they were trying to prove. 17 00:01:06,366 --> 00:01:10,137 The problem is once Twitter executives started testifying, 18 00:01:10,237 --> 00:01:12,072 we found out that lots of complaints 19 00:01:12,105 --> 00:01:14,975 came from the big, fat baby who used to be president. 20 00:01:15,075 --> 00:01:18,946 Earlier, you testified about a 2019 tweet that 21 00:01:19,079 --> 00:01:20,647 was about President Trump. 22 00:01:20,747 --> 00:01:22,783 And I think it was from Ms. Teigen. 23 00:01:22,883 --> 00:01:24,284 What was the tweet about? 24 00:01:24,384 --> 00:01:25,552 Please excuse my language. 25 00:01:25,652 --> 00:01:26,620 This is a direct quote. 26 00:01:26,720 --> 00:01:28,755 But Chrissy Teigen referred to Donald Trump 27 00:01:28,856 --> 00:01:30,324 as a pussy-ass bitch. 28 00:01:30,424 --> 00:01:31,658 OK. 29 00:01:31,758 --> 00:01:34,795 From my understanding, the White House reached out to ask 30 00:01:34,895 --> 00:01:36,396 that this tweet be removed. 31 00:01:36,496 --> 00:01:38,699 At that time up, to three insults were allowed, 32 00:01:38,799 --> 00:01:40,534 and so it was our job to determine 33 00:01:40,634 --> 00:01:43,270 how many insults were included within that phrase. 34 00:01:43,370 --> 00:01:48,775 [crowd cheering] 35 00:01:48,876 --> 00:01:52,546 I love that Twitter had to decide whether pussy-ass 36 00:01:52,646 --> 00:01:56,750 bitch was one insult or three. 37 00:01:56,850 --> 00:01:58,185 It does beg the question. 38 00:01:58,285 --> 00:02:03,223 Is Donald Trump a pussy and an ass and a bitch? 39 00:02:03,323 --> 00:02:05,893 Or is he just a bitch with pussy-ass qualities? 40 00:02:06,059 --> 00:02:12,065 [crowd cheering] 41 00:02:12,099 --> 00:02:14,935 I love when I have to get philosophical. 42 00:02:15,068 --> 00:02:16,370 Interesting that Trump doesn't like 43 00:02:16,470 --> 00:02:18,172 being called a pussy-ass bitch when those 44 00:02:18,272 --> 00:02:21,275 are his three favorite things. 45 00:02:21,375 --> 00:02:22,776 Either way, asking Twitter to take 46 00:02:22,876 --> 00:02:29,883 down a mean tweet about you is really a pussy-ass bitch move. 47 00:02:30,918 --> 00:02:32,486 But that's enough about the old president. 48 00:02:32,586 --> 00:02:33,854 Let's move on to the new president, 49 00:02:33,954 --> 00:02:36,089 who also is very old. 50 00:02:36,123 --> 00:02:39,760 Last night was the State of the Union, Washington DC's biggest 51 00:02:39,860 --> 00:02:42,896 non-orgy event of the year. 52 00:02:42,996 --> 00:02:44,097 And I'm going to be honest-- 53 00:02:44,164 --> 00:02:46,099 I have never watched the State of the Union 54 00:02:46,200 --> 00:02:49,102 before because I have a life. 55 00:02:49,169 --> 00:02:50,637 So I wasn't looking forward to it, 56 00:02:50,737 --> 00:02:53,273 but I'm glad I tuned in because it wasn't nearly as boring 57 00:02:53,373 --> 00:02:54,274 as I thought it would be. 58 00:02:54,374 --> 00:02:56,543 In fact, it's apparently got a bit 59 00:02:56,643 --> 00:03:00,881 of a UFC/junior-high-cafeteria vibe now. 60 00:03:01,048 --> 00:03:04,351 Even before the speech started, things started getting rowdy. 61 00:03:04,451 --> 00:03:06,253 There were some tense moments at last night's State 62 00:03:06,353 --> 00:03:07,254 of the Union address. 63 00:03:07,354 --> 00:03:08,422 Cameras captured a heated exchange 64 00:03:08,522 --> 00:03:10,190 between embattled Congressman George Santos 65 00:03:10,290 --> 00:03:11,458 and Senator Mitt Romney. 66 00:03:11,558 --> 00:03:13,293 One lip reader posted this account 67 00:03:13,393 --> 00:03:20,400 of how the exchange went down. 68 00:03:26,940 --> 00:03:31,712 [crowd cheering] 69 00:03:31,812 --> 00:03:32,846 I would like to go on the record 70 00:03:32,946 --> 00:03:34,381 tonight and say that I am sexually 71 00:03:34,481 --> 00:03:38,318 attracted to Mitt Romney. 72 00:03:38,418 --> 00:03:41,722 It's not the first time and it won't be the last time. 73 00:03:41,822 --> 00:03:44,658 I don't even care that he's a Republican or a Mormon. 74 00:03:44,758 --> 00:03:47,961 In fact, since he's a Mormon, he'll be open to another wife. 75 00:03:48,095 --> 00:03:50,230 And if not, he's a Republican so he'll 76 00:03:50,330 --> 00:03:53,267 be open to having an affair. 77 00:03:53,367 --> 00:03:55,636 Problem solved. 78 00:03:55,736 --> 00:03:58,872 And, yeah, what Romney said doesn't sound too harsh, 79 00:03:58,972 --> 00:04:01,041 but remember it's Mitt Romney. 80 00:04:01,108 --> 00:04:02,776 You ought to be embarrassed, son, 81 00:04:02,876 --> 00:04:05,212 is the Mormon equivalent of suck my [bleep] 82 00:04:05,312 --> 00:04:07,314 [bleep] you pussy-ass bitch. 83 00:04:07,414 --> 00:04:12,052 [crowd cheering] 84 00:04:12,119 --> 00:04:14,488 And then, when Biden actually started talking, 85 00:04:14,588 --> 00:04:17,791 his Republican friends across the aisle were not having it. 86 00:04:17,891 --> 00:04:20,827 Entering a house chamber now run by Republicans, 87 00:04:20,928 --> 00:04:23,330 President Biden extending his hand to the new speaker, 88 00:04:23,430 --> 00:04:25,566 Kevin McCarthy, before confronting 89 00:04:25,666 --> 00:04:27,434 Republican heckling head on. 90 00:04:27,534 --> 00:04:31,171 Tangling over the fate of Social Security and Medicare, 91 00:04:31,271 --> 00:04:32,906 the president taking aim at an idea 92 00:04:33,073 --> 00:04:35,409 floated by just a few Republicans. 93 00:04:35,509 --> 00:04:37,477 Instead of making the wealthy pay their fair share, 94 00:04:37,578 --> 00:04:38,946 some Republicans-- 95 00:04:39,079 --> 00:04:42,449 some Republicans want Medicare and Social Security to sunset. 96 00:04:42,549 --> 00:04:44,885 I'm not saying it's a majority. 97 00:04:44,985 --> 00:04:47,554 The comment drawing outrage and boos 98 00:04:47,654 --> 00:04:52,893 including from GOP firebrand Marjorie Taylor Greene. 99 00:04:52,993 --> 00:04:58,332 Republicans were acting like wild animals and I liked it. 100 00:04:58,432 --> 00:04:59,533 Keep this up, you guys. 101 00:04:59,633 --> 00:05:03,070 You finally made a State of the Union watchable. 102 00:05:03,170 --> 00:05:05,105 Marjorie Taylor Greene stood up during the speech 103 00:05:05,205 --> 00:05:06,406 and screamed out, "liar." 104 00:05:06,507 --> 00:05:09,109 And then George Santos stood up and is like, over here. 105 00:05:09,209 --> 00:05:15,516 [crowd cheering] 106 00:05:15,616 --> 00:05:18,285 What are we going to do about Marjorie Taylor Greene? 107 00:05:18,385 --> 00:05:21,455 I mean, she's like one of those dogs that needs a big backyard 108 00:05:21,555 --> 00:05:24,124 to run outside and expend all of her energy, 109 00:05:24,224 --> 00:05:27,261 but instead she's stuck living inside a one bedroom apartment 110 00:05:27,361 --> 00:05:30,297 slamming her head against the wall. 111 00:05:30,397 --> 00:05:31,732 When are they going to put this woman 112 00:05:31,832 --> 00:05:35,102 on Real Housewives of Atlanta? 113 00:05:35,202 --> 00:05:38,238 And, to be fair, MTG wasn't the only one dressed 114 00:05:38,338 --> 00:05:40,140 like a lunatic last night. 115 00:05:40,240 --> 00:05:43,644 Look at the outfit Kyrsten Sinema chose to wear. 116 00:05:43,744 --> 00:05:49,283 She looks like she's going to a quinceañera as the pinata. 117 00:05:49,383 --> 00:05:53,887 [crowd cheering] 118 00:05:53,987 --> 00:05:56,657 For a comprehensive look at the State of the Union, 119 00:05:56,757 --> 00:05:58,859 we go to Roy Wood, Junior, who's in DC. 120 00:05:58,959 --> 00:06:02,729 [crowd cheering] 121 00:06:02,829 --> 00:06:05,265 Well, Chels, hello. 122 00:06:05,365 --> 00:06:06,266 Hi, Roy. 123 00:06:06,366 --> 00:06:07,501 You were at the State of the Union. 124 00:06:07,601 --> 00:06:09,503 What did you think of Biden's speech? 125 00:06:09,603 --> 00:06:11,405 Chelsea, it was amazing. 126 00:06:11,505 --> 00:06:13,740 I loved all the things the president said. 127 00:06:13,841 --> 00:06:16,043 Biden talked, and he said some stuff, 128 00:06:16,143 --> 00:06:18,612 and he talked a little bit. 129 00:06:18,712 --> 00:06:21,081 Back to you. 130 00:06:21,181 --> 00:06:22,349 Well, wait. Wait. 131 00:06:22,449 --> 00:06:23,584 Wait, Roy, we just started. 132 00:06:23,684 --> 00:06:25,319 Like, what specifically did you like 133 00:06:25,419 --> 00:06:27,421 about the State of the Union? 134 00:06:27,521 --> 00:06:30,490 Oh, well, you know, all of it, you know. 135 00:06:30,591 --> 00:06:33,694 I liked the part where he talked about the Union 136 00:06:33,794 --> 00:06:36,496 and the state it's in. 137 00:06:36,597 --> 00:06:39,099 You know, Russia, health care, eggs, he was talking. 138 00:06:39,199 --> 00:06:40,434 He said some stuff. 139 00:06:40,534 --> 00:06:43,437 It sounds like you didn't actually watch the speech. 140 00:06:43,537 --> 00:06:44,805 All right. Fine. 141 00:06:44,905 --> 00:06:46,406 I didn't watch it, OK? 142 00:06:46,507 --> 00:06:47,841 I didn't watch the State of the Union. 143 00:06:47,941 --> 00:06:50,644 I went to a bar to watch LeBron James 144 00:06:50,744 --> 00:06:55,782 break the all-time scoring record in the NBA! 145 00:06:55,883 --> 00:06:56,984 That's where I was. 146 00:06:57,084 --> 00:06:58,118 I was at a bar. 147 00:06:58,218 --> 00:07:00,521 Pardon me for wanting to see history. 148 00:07:00,621 --> 00:07:02,422 How do you expect me to pay attention 149 00:07:02,523 --> 00:07:03,757 to a boring-ass speech? 150 00:07:03,857 --> 00:07:04,758 I don't care about Biden. 151 00:07:04,858 --> 00:07:08,629 That mother [bleep] can't even dunk. 152 00:07:08,729 --> 00:07:11,098 Well, first off, you don't know that he can't dunk. 153 00:07:11,198 --> 00:07:15,235 And second, I'm sorry the game interfered with your job, 154 00:07:15,335 --> 00:07:18,172 but they can't move the State of the Union. 155 00:07:18,272 --> 00:07:20,040 What you mean they can't move the State of the Union. 156 00:07:20,107 --> 00:07:22,075 It ain't Christmas. 157 00:07:22,176 --> 00:07:25,312 It's just an old dude talking to a bunch of other old dudes. 158 00:07:25,412 --> 00:07:27,114 That can happen at any time. 159 00:07:27,214 --> 00:07:30,584 Biden should either have moved the speech back a week 160 00:07:30,684 --> 00:07:34,488 or just done the speech at the game. 161 00:07:34,588 --> 00:07:36,690 He could have fit the whole thing in during the timeout. 162 00:07:36,790 --> 00:07:37,858 Infrastructure good. 163 00:07:37,958 --> 00:07:39,159 Gas prices low. 164 00:07:39,259 --> 00:07:41,061 Police bad, but also good. 165 00:07:41,128 --> 00:07:42,129 Build Back Better on 3! 166 00:07:42,229 --> 00:07:45,065 1, 2, 3, Build Back Better! 167 00:07:45,132 --> 00:07:49,069 That's all he had to do. 168 00:07:49,136 --> 00:07:51,839 Well, Roy, I'm glad that you got to watch the Lakers win. 169 00:07:51,939 --> 00:07:53,207 Oh, no, no, no, no. 170 00:07:53,307 --> 00:07:55,676 The Lakers lost. 171 00:07:55,776 --> 00:08:01,648 But in a way, isn't that a metaphor for America. 172 00:08:01,748 --> 00:08:03,851 In what way? 173 00:08:04,017 --> 00:08:04,852 Yeah, I don't know. 174 00:08:05,018 --> 00:08:06,887 I was hoping you had something. 175 00:08:07,020 --> 00:08:09,122 But aren't you excited about this? 176 00:08:09,223 --> 00:08:10,490 You live in LA. 177 00:08:10,591 --> 00:08:13,360 You must be hyped up LeBron broke the record. 178 00:08:13,460 --> 00:08:14,795 Yeah, definitely. 179 00:08:14,895 --> 00:08:17,264 Because now he has more points than the guy 180 00:08:17,364 --> 00:08:22,202 that had it before. 181 00:08:22,302 --> 00:08:24,705 And you know who that is right? 182 00:08:24,805 --> 00:08:25,706 Yep. 183 00:08:25,806 --> 00:08:26,673 Of course I do. 184 00:08:26,773 --> 00:08:30,043 He's the tall Black guy. 185 00:08:30,143 --> 00:08:31,178 OK. 186 00:08:31,278 --> 00:08:32,646 So you are a fan. 187 00:08:32,746 --> 00:08:33,614 That's right. 188 00:08:33,714 --> 00:08:36,083 Roy Wood, Junior, everybody! 189 00:08:36,183 --> 00:08:37,217 All right. 190 00:08:37,317 --> 00:08:39,286 When we come back, we'll find out why I'm ruining 191 00:08:39,386 --> 00:08:41,455 society so don't go away. 192 00:08:41,555 --> 00:08:44,892 [crowd cheering] 193 00:08:52,766 --> 00:08:59,773 [applause] 194 00:09:01,107 --> 00:09:02,809 Welcome back to the Daily show. 195 00:09:02,909 --> 00:09:04,678 One thing that I have made abundantly clear 196 00:09:04,778 --> 00:09:07,948 is that I do not want children. 197 00:09:08,048 --> 00:09:09,749 I say it on stage. 198 00:09:09,849 --> 00:09:11,117 I say it in interviews. 199 00:09:11,217 --> 00:09:13,219 It's the first thing I say to myself in the mirror 200 00:09:13,320 --> 00:09:16,456 when I wake up each morning right before I tell myself, 201 00:09:16,556 --> 00:09:23,396 God, you're a dynamic woman. 202 00:09:23,496 --> 00:09:25,665 Kids don't respect me, and quite frankly, 203 00:09:25,765 --> 00:09:27,901 the feeling is mutual. 204 00:09:28,001 --> 00:09:29,836 And the fact is there are millions of women 205 00:09:29,936 --> 00:09:31,438 just like me, but for some reason 206 00:09:31,538 --> 00:09:34,074 every single one of us at some point in our lives 207 00:09:34,174 --> 00:09:37,243 is shamed by society for not wanting a baby. 208 00:09:37,344 --> 00:09:39,946 And that's what I want to talk about in tonight's installment 209 00:09:40,046 --> 00:09:41,982 of Long Story Short,. 210 00:09:42,082 --> 00:09:47,787 [music playing] 211 00:09:47,887 --> 00:09:49,723 In America, and honestly everywhere, 212 00:09:49,823 --> 00:09:53,226 motherhood is treated as a woman's essential purpose 213 00:09:53,326 --> 00:09:57,664 in life, as if our destiny is to let a tiny stranger 214 00:09:57,764 --> 00:10:01,401 rip a hole through our Pikachu from the inside out. 215 00:10:01,501 --> 00:10:03,303 And then as soon as we turn 18, we're 216 00:10:03,403 --> 00:10:05,739 just supposed to sit back and wait for Nick Cannon 217 00:10:05,839 --> 00:10:10,010 to impregnate us. 218 00:10:10,110 --> 00:10:12,946 And look, I have infinite respect for moms, 219 00:10:13,046 --> 00:10:14,514 but motherhood is hard. 220 00:10:14,581 --> 00:10:19,319 It's so hard, it even broke Marie Kondo. 221 00:10:19,419 --> 00:10:21,521 Tidying up was her life's work. 222 00:10:21,621 --> 00:10:23,590 Then she has kids and was like, [bleep] it. 223 00:10:23,690 --> 00:10:28,261 Living in squalor is fine. 224 00:10:28,361 --> 00:10:30,664 So it really shouldn't be surprising that some women 225 00:10:30,764 --> 00:10:32,032 aren't signing up. 226 00:10:32,132 --> 00:10:35,368 But many people aren't just surprised, they're horrified. 227 00:10:35,535 --> 00:10:37,837 Childless women are seen as unfulfilled, 228 00:10:37,938 --> 00:10:41,141 unhappy, even the Pope has slammed us, saying that not 229 00:10:41,241 --> 00:10:43,743 having children is selfish. 230 00:10:43,843 --> 00:10:46,546 First of all, I am not going to take 231 00:10:46,579 --> 00:10:48,381 procreation advice from a guy who's 232 00:10:48,548 --> 00:10:55,188 never even penetrated anyone. 233 00:10:56,189 --> 00:10:58,692 Well, not that we know of anyway. 234 00:10:58,792 --> 00:11:00,694 And what's crazy is that for some reason, 235 00:11:00,794 --> 00:11:04,497 people feel entitled to tell you what a horrible person 236 00:11:04,564 --> 00:11:06,299 you are right to your face. 237 00:11:06,399 --> 00:11:09,069 When people ask me do you have children, 238 00:11:09,169 --> 00:11:12,005 and I say no, they always look at me then and say, 239 00:11:12,105 --> 00:11:15,408 oh, I'm sorry, as if like there's something 240 00:11:15,508 --> 00:11:16,977 like physically wrong with me. 241 00:11:17,077 --> 00:11:19,512 I've had people break down in tears to me about the fact 242 00:11:19,613 --> 00:11:22,582 that me not having children is robbing them of something. 243 00:11:22,682 --> 00:11:25,852 I've gotten everything from your selfish 244 00:11:25,952 --> 00:11:27,053 for not wanting children. 245 00:11:27,153 --> 00:11:29,589 Your childhood must have been terrible if you 246 00:11:29,689 --> 00:11:31,024 don't want to have children. 247 00:11:31,124 --> 00:11:33,560 Are you one of these career-thirsty women that 248 00:11:33,660 --> 00:11:38,031 doesn't want children, and how could you deny your man 249 00:11:38,131 --> 00:11:39,132 the chance to have children. 250 00:11:39,232 --> 00:11:41,534 I wouldn't want to be with you. 251 00:11:41,601 --> 00:11:44,237 Yes, because men are so upset every time 252 00:11:44,337 --> 00:11:47,807 they're denied a chance to have a child. 253 00:11:47,907 --> 00:11:49,576 Watch an episode of Maury Povich 254 00:11:49,676 --> 00:11:51,478 to see how excited men get to find 255 00:11:51,578 --> 00:11:57,984 out that they are the father. 256 00:11:58,084 --> 00:11:59,853 And it's bad enough when people judge your life 257 00:11:59,953 --> 00:12:02,255 choices, but apparently childless women aren't just 258 00:12:02,355 --> 00:12:03,256 harming themselves. 259 00:12:03,356 --> 00:12:05,892 We're actually destroying society. 260 00:12:05,992 --> 00:12:07,827 You look at Kamala Harris, AOC, 261 00:12:07,927 --> 00:12:09,930 the entire future of the Democrats 262 00:12:10,030 --> 00:12:11,998 is controlled by people without children. 263 00:12:12,098 --> 00:12:13,633 And how does it make any sense that we've 264 00:12:13,733 --> 00:12:16,202 turned our country over to people who don't really 265 00:12:16,303 --> 00:12:17,570 have a direct stake in it? 266 00:12:17,671 --> 00:12:20,640 We're effectively run in this country, via the Democrats, 267 00:12:20,740 --> 00:12:23,710 via our corporate oligarchs by a bunch of childless cat 268 00:12:23,810 --> 00:12:25,712 ladies who are miserable at their own lives 269 00:12:25,812 --> 00:12:27,080 and the choices that they've made, 270 00:12:27,180 --> 00:12:28,882 and so they want to make the rest of the country 271 00:12:28,982 --> 00:12:30,617 miserable, too. 272 00:12:30,717 --> 00:12:33,253 Maybe if you two weren't such boner killers 273 00:12:33,353 --> 00:12:40,226 women would want to have more children. 274 00:12:40,327 --> 00:12:42,529 I don't want to make the country miserable. 275 00:12:42,595 --> 00:12:44,064 I love this country. 276 00:12:44,164 --> 00:12:47,067 It's where all of my things are. 277 00:12:47,167 --> 00:12:48,735 And I've got news for everyone. 278 00:12:48,835 --> 00:12:50,637 Instead of shaming childless women 279 00:12:50,737 --> 00:12:52,339 for what we're doing to the country, 280 00:12:52,472 --> 00:12:53,607 you should be thanking us. 281 00:12:53,707 --> 00:12:55,542 We are saving society. 282 00:12:55,642 --> 00:12:58,111 We are more likely to give our money to charity. 283 00:12:58,211 --> 00:12:59,813 We have a lower carbon footprint. 284 00:12:59,913 --> 00:13:01,147 We're the reason there are fewer 285 00:13:01,247 --> 00:13:04,084 screaming children on airplanes, in movie theaters, 286 00:13:04,184 --> 00:13:08,888 and restaurants. 287 00:13:08,989 --> 00:13:11,358 And every baby we don't give birth to 288 00:13:11,491 --> 00:13:12,792 is one less baby that could grow 289 00:13:12,892 --> 00:13:18,498 up to be the next Elon Musk. 290 00:13:18,531 --> 00:13:19,833 And guess how many children he has? 291 00:13:19,933 --> 00:13:21,134 Nine. 292 00:13:21,234 --> 00:13:23,903 You better bring them all to Mars with you, buddy, OK? 293 00:13:24,004 --> 00:13:25,405 And when are you going to Mars? 294 00:13:25,505 --> 00:13:32,112 Go already! 295 00:13:33,380 --> 00:13:34,981 But these Fox News trolls are right about one thing. 296 00:13:35,081 --> 00:13:36,316 I am miserable. 297 00:13:36,416 --> 00:13:38,118 In fact, I was just scrolling through my Instagram feed 298 00:13:38,218 --> 00:13:40,587 the other day realizing how miserable I am. 299 00:13:40,687 --> 00:13:42,856 I'm miserable on the beach. 300 00:13:42,956 --> 00:13:46,326 And then here I am miserable on the top of a mountain. 301 00:13:46,426 --> 00:13:49,763 And then here I am miserable scuba diving. 302 00:13:49,863 --> 00:13:56,836 And then I'm miserable again smoking a joint in a hot tub. 303 00:13:57,971 --> 00:14:03,209 Every day is truly a new circle of hell for me. 304 00:14:03,310 --> 00:14:05,712 The simple truth is that I'm not having a kid because I'm 305 00:14:05,812 --> 00:14:08,715 happier without them, and that's really not of anyone's 306 00:14:08,815 --> 00:14:15,388 concern but my own. 307 00:14:15,488 --> 00:14:17,824 And no, I don't hate kids. 308 00:14:17,924 --> 00:14:19,192 I just don't want them. 309 00:14:19,292 --> 00:14:21,361 That's what's so great about nieces and nephews. 310 00:14:21,494 --> 00:14:22,996 I love being an aunt. 311 00:14:23,096 --> 00:14:24,497 I'm crushing that role. 312 00:14:24,531 --> 00:14:26,733 Guess who gave each one of them their first edible? 313 00:14:26,833 --> 00:14:27,734 This girl. 314 00:14:27,834 --> 00:14:31,237 Yeah! 315 00:14:31,338 --> 00:14:32,505 But hey, what do I know? 316 00:14:32,572 --> 00:14:34,941 I'm just an unfulfilled, lonely, miserable 317 00:14:35,041 --> 00:14:36,943 waste of two ovaries. 318 00:14:37,043 --> 00:14:39,579 So if you want to know the real issues with not having 319 00:14:39,679 --> 00:14:41,982 children, you need to talk to your OB GYN 320 00:14:42,082 --> 00:14:47,120 like I did take a look. 321 00:14:47,220 --> 00:14:48,421 Oh. 322 00:14:48,521 --> 00:14:52,058 I bet you have been around the world a couple of times. 323 00:14:52,158 --> 00:14:54,227 You're like a pussy GoPro. 324 00:14:54,327 --> 00:14:55,462 Oh. 325 00:14:55,562 --> 00:14:56,796 - Chelsea. - Hey. 326 00:14:56,896 --> 00:14:57,797 Hi. 327 00:14:57,897 --> 00:14:58,798 Great to meet you. 328 00:14:58,898 --> 00:14:59,866 You too. 329 00:14:59,966 --> 00:15:03,003 So I'm just going over your chart here. 330 00:15:03,103 --> 00:15:04,971 It says you don't plan on having any children. 331 00:15:05,071 --> 00:15:06,006 No. 332 00:15:06,106 --> 00:15:09,209 It actually says, quote, never, ever, 333 00:15:09,309 --> 00:15:11,478 not even if me and Chris Hemsworth 334 00:15:11,578 --> 00:15:13,647 were the last two humans on Earth. 335 00:15:13,747 --> 00:15:15,048 Yeah, I mean, if he and I hooked up, 336 00:15:15,148 --> 00:15:17,917 it would probably just be a bunch of butt play. 337 00:15:18,018 --> 00:15:18,985 OK. 338 00:15:19,085 --> 00:15:22,322 Well, not having kids is a big decision, 339 00:15:22,489 --> 00:15:24,591 and you should know it's going to affect your body 340 00:15:24,691 --> 00:15:27,661 and your life in a major way. 341 00:15:27,761 --> 00:15:29,496 What kind of ways, doctor? 342 00:15:29,596 --> 00:15:32,532 Well, for starters, your body will never 343 00:15:32,632 --> 00:15:34,501 go through the trauma of childbirth. 344 00:15:34,534 --> 00:15:37,804 You'll have what the medical community calls 345 00:15:37,904 --> 00:15:41,608 beautiful, boisterous breasts, and a very tight, 346 00:15:41,708 --> 00:15:43,777 tight, little, little vagina. 347 00:15:43,877 --> 00:15:46,046 That's funny because I've been hearing a lot about that 348 00:15:46,146 --> 00:15:48,682 from different people that I've been having casual sex with, 349 00:15:48,782 --> 00:15:50,450 giving me different kinds of compliments, 350 00:15:50,483 --> 00:15:51,651 and I thought it was just dirty talk. 351 00:15:51,751 --> 00:15:52,652 No, no, no. 352 00:15:52,752 --> 00:15:54,287 That's a medical term. 353 00:15:54,454 --> 00:15:56,589 How much sleep do you get? 354 00:15:56,690 --> 00:15:57,590 I mean, it varies. 355 00:15:57,691 --> 00:16:00,627 Anywhere from 8 to 16 hours a night, 356 00:16:00,727 --> 00:16:02,028 you know, depending on what I get up to. 357 00:16:02,128 --> 00:16:03,863 If I go to like one of Leo's sex parties, 358 00:16:03,964 --> 00:16:06,166 I'll be up really, really late, and then I'll come home 359 00:16:06,266 --> 00:16:07,367 and I'll be starving. 360 00:16:07,467 --> 00:16:09,336 And then I'll have an entire pizza in my bed, 361 00:16:09,469 --> 00:16:11,037 and then I just finish myself off one more 362 00:16:11,137 --> 00:16:13,473 time and sleep like a baby. 363 00:16:13,573 --> 00:16:14,774 Is that normal? 364 00:16:14,874 --> 00:16:17,043 Perfectly normal for someone with your condition. 365 00:16:17,143 --> 00:16:18,211 Great. 366 00:16:18,311 --> 00:16:24,985 It's probably-- 367 00:16:25,986 --> 00:16:27,387 You have great muscle tone. 368 00:16:27,487 --> 00:16:28,688 Thank you. 369 00:16:28,788 --> 00:16:30,523 It's probably because I have so much free time to work 370 00:16:30,624 --> 00:16:32,158 out after I'm sleeping. 371 00:16:32,258 --> 00:16:34,494 Amen to that sister. 372 00:16:34,561 --> 00:16:37,764 Are we doing anything that is going to require me to be 373 00:16:37,864 --> 00:16:40,634 in a hospital gown today? 374 00:16:40,734 --> 00:16:42,002 No. 375 00:16:42,102 --> 00:16:45,038 Now I know all this information can be really overwhelming, 376 00:16:45,138 --> 00:16:47,240 which is why I am going to prescribe 377 00:16:47,340 --> 00:16:48,708 some recreational drugs. 378 00:16:48,808 --> 00:16:50,844 Here's a sample for you to take home. 379 00:16:50,944 --> 00:16:52,345 Oh my God, I love pills. 380 00:16:52,445 --> 00:16:53,980 Thank you. 381 00:16:54,080 --> 00:16:56,483 Oh, and there's one more thing we should talk about-- 382 00:16:56,583 --> 00:16:57,951 ultrasound. 383 00:16:58,051 --> 00:17:02,155 Oh I didn't think I was getting an ultrasound today. 384 00:17:02,255 --> 00:17:04,457 Ultrasound, the music festival. 385 00:17:04,524 --> 00:17:05,458 Three days in the desert. 386 00:17:05,525 --> 00:17:07,027 Lizzo headlining. 387 00:17:07,127 --> 00:17:09,195 And I bet you can get there because why? 388 00:17:09,296 --> 00:17:11,298 You don't have any kids at home to worry about. 389 00:17:11,464 --> 00:17:12,299 Oh my God. 390 00:17:12,465 --> 00:17:13,667 Thank you. 391 00:17:13,767 --> 00:17:16,503 This is like the best doctor's appointment I've ever had. 392 00:17:16,603 --> 00:17:18,939 You're so welcome, and you know what? 393 00:17:19,039 --> 00:17:24,044 Literally nothing is going to go wrong for you. 394 00:17:24,144 --> 00:17:25,378 It was so nice to meet you. 395 00:17:25,478 --> 00:17:26,813 It was a pleasure to meet you, too. 396 00:17:26,913 --> 00:17:27,814 Thank you. 397 00:17:27,914 --> 00:17:28,815 You're welcome. 398 00:17:28,915 --> 00:17:34,754 Oh by the way, you do have gonorrhea. 399 00:17:34,854 --> 00:17:35,822 Thanks, doc. 400 00:17:35,922 --> 00:17:37,390 And stay tuned because when we come back, 401 00:17:37,490 --> 00:17:39,092 I'll be joined by the undisputed super feather 402 00:17:39,192 --> 00:17:40,093 weight champion of the world. 403 00:17:40,193 --> 00:17:42,329 So don't go away. 404 00:17:48,333 --> 00:17:54,439 [crowd cheering] 405 00:17:54,539 --> 00:17:56,374 Welcome back to The Daily Show. 406 00:17:56,474 --> 00:17:58,743 My guest tonight is a professional boxer 407 00:17:58,843 --> 00:18:02,814 who just became the undisputed super-featherweight champion. 408 00:18:02,914 --> 00:18:04,416 REPORTER: What did you think of your performance 409 00:18:04,516 --> 00:18:05,417 in this fight? 410 00:18:05,517 --> 00:18:06,418 It was great. 411 00:18:06,518 --> 00:18:07,652 You know, I dug deep. 412 00:18:07,752 --> 00:18:09,654 Listen, I started my period today, 413 00:18:09,754 --> 00:18:10,922 so that should tell you. Yeah. 414 00:18:11,022 --> 00:18:12,490 REPORTER: Geez. All right. 415 00:18:12,590 --> 00:18:13,692 Yeah. 416 00:18:13,792 --> 00:18:15,393 That should tell you that us women can do it all. 417 00:18:15,493 --> 00:18:16,594 So-- - Keeping it real. 418 00:18:16,695 --> 00:18:18,263 Yes, sir. 419 00:18:18,363 --> 00:18:20,498 Please welcome Alycia Baumgardner. 420 00:18:20,598 --> 00:18:24,869 [crowd cheering] 421 00:18:24,970 --> 00:18:25,870 Hi! 422 00:18:25,971 --> 00:18:26,871 Welcome! 423 00:18:26,972 --> 00:18:29,274 Thank you. 424 00:18:29,374 --> 00:18:33,144 [music playing] 425 00:18:33,244 --> 00:18:34,145 Hi. 426 00:18:34,245 --> 00:18:35,146 Hi. 427 00:18:35,246 --> 00:18:36,247 Oh, my god. 428 00:18:36,348 --> 00:18:37,816 I'm so excited to meet you. 429 00:18:37,916 --> 00:18:39,050 You're such a bad ass. 430 00:18:39,150 --> 00:18:40,151 - Bad ass. - You are. 431 00:18:40,251 --> 00:18:41,486 Thank you. 432 00:18:41,586 --> 00:18:43,254 Even though I need you to break down a little bit for me 433 00:18:43,355 --> 00:18:44,889 because I'm not familiar with the term. 434 00:18:44,990 --> 00:18:46,391 So what does featherweight mean? 435 00:18:46,491 --> 00:18:47,726 So I'm super featherweight. 436 00:18:47,859 --> 00:18:48,727 So that's 130. 437 00:18:48,860 --> 00:18:49,728 OK. 438 00:18:49,861 --> 00:18:51,863 So that is my fighting division 439 00:18:51,930 --> 00:18:53,264 that I became undisputed. 440 00:18:53,365 --> 00:18:54,265 OK. 441 00:18:54,366 --> 00:18:56,968 I'm one-- OK. 442 00:18:57,068 --> 00:19:00,338 I'm also 130, so, I mean, we're in the same weight 443 00:19:00,438 --> 00:19:01,473 class, at least. 444 00:19:01,573 --> 00:19:03,241 But had you ever fought at that weight before? 445 00:19:03,341 --> 00:19:04,943 Yes, it's always been my weight 446 00:19:05,043 --> 00:19:09,114 class that I've dominated since I became world champion. 447 00:19:09,214 --> 00:19:12,550 And, yep. 448 00:19:12,651 --> 00:19:15,654 So talk to me little bit about like the gender 449 00:19:15,754 --> 00:19:17,055 disparity in boxing. 450 00:19:17,155 --> 00:19:19,324 Because, obviously, women, I mean, it is a new thing. 451 00:19:19,424 --> 00:19:21,393 You're hearing more and more about female boxers, 452 00:19:21,493 --> 00:19:23,895 but I would obviously guess that you've been around 453 00:19:23,995 --> 00:19:25,430 for a long time, female. boxers, 454 00:19:25,530 --> 00:19:27,132 and they're just now getting some of the attention 455 00:19:27,232 --> 00:19:28,133 that they deserve. 456 00:19:28,233 --> 00:19:29,301 Yes, very long time. 457 00:19:29,401 --> 00:19:30,969 I think it's important that women 458 00:19:31,069 --> 00:19:32,804 are just stepping on the platform 459 00:19:32,904 --> 00:19:34,906 and making a name for themselves. 460 00:19:35,006 --> 00:19:36,775 Yep. 461 00:19:36,908 --> 00:19:40,645 And, you know, we are-- boxing is a male-dominated sport, 462 00:19:40,745 --> 00:19:42,914 but I don't look at it as a male-dominated sport. 463 00:19:42,981 --> 00:19:44,582 I look at it as a sport where I'm 464 00:19:44,683 --> 00:19:49,020 able to capitalize in and make a difference as a woman. 465 00:19:49,120 --> 00:19:51,222 And I'm truly blessed to be able to do that. 466 00:19:51,323 --> 00:19:54,025 Yeah, you are. 467 00:19:54,125 --> 00:19:56,961 And so what's your, like, what is your training regimen like? 468 00:19:57,062 --> 00:19:59,164 I mean, what's your everyday situation? 469 00:19:59,264 --> 00:20:00,465 Break it down for me. 470 00:20:00,565 --> 00:20:01,466 Yeah. 471 00:20:01,566 --> 00:20:03,635 So, with a camp, it's very, very hard, 472 00:20:03,735 --> 00:20:05,003 but it's all rewarding. 473 00:20:05,103 --> 00:20:08,873 So we get up for a 5:30 run in the morning, a good 3 miles. 474 00:20:08,907 --> 00:20:10,175 And then we go to the gym. 475 00:20:10,275 --> 00:20:12,177 Depending on how many rounds we're sparring, 476 00:20:12,277 --> 00:20:13,878 we can do eight rounds. 477 00:20:13,945 --> 00:20:16,448 Women fight 2 minutes, 10 rounds 478 00:20:16,548 --> 00:20:17,949 four championship fights. 479 00:20:18,049 --> 00:20:20,785 And then for a third workout, we do a recovery. 480 00:20:20,885 --> 00:20:23,888 So that could be a swim, that could be stretching, yoga. 481 00:20:23,922 --> 00:20:26,891 But it's very-- it's very hard, but it's very rewarding. 482 00:20:26,958 --> 00:20:28,727 And I was well prepared for that fight. 483 00:20:28,893 --> 00:20:29,894 Yeah. 484 00:20:29,928 --> 00:20:30,895 It must take a lot of mental grit, right? 485 00:20:30,996 --> 00:20:31,896 Oh, yeah. Yeah. 486 00:20:31,997 --> 00:20:32,897 Yeah. 487 00:20:32,998 --> 00:20:34,265 Like, what are you thinking when 488 00:20:34,366 --> 00:20:36,401 you're beating the shit out of somebody in a boxing ring? 489 00:20:36,501 --> 00:20:37,769 I'm like, I hope they feel that. 490 00:20:37,902 --> 00:20:42,374 Yeah. 491 00:20:42,474 --> 00:20:43,708 So I have a question because I know 492 00:20:43,808 --> 00:20:46,011 there's a lot of these people who aren't really boxers, 493 00:20:46,111 --> 00:20:47,479 like, influencers. 494 00:20:47,579 --> 00:20:49,381 I hate that word so much-- influencers. 495 00:20:49,481 --> 00:20:50,749 It's so stupid. 496 00:20:50,849 --> 00:20:54,953 But, like, that are doing-- that are having boxing fights, 497 00:20:55,053 --> 00:20:56,554 like big, promotional boxing fights. 498 00:20:56,655 --> 00:20:58,490 Like Logan Paul, I know, is one of them. 499 00:20:58,590 --> 00:20:59,858 What are your thoughts on that? 500 00:20:59,958 --> 00:21:03,428 My thoughts are boxing is an entertainment sport, right? 501 00:21:03,528 --> 00:21:06,398 So when you're stepping into the sport, it's fun 502 00:21:06,498 --> 00:21:08,199 but it's also serious that you have 503 00:21:08,300 --> 00:21:10,568 to go in there with a mind that people 504 00:21:10,669 --> 00:21:11,970 are risking their lives. 505 00:21:12,070 --> 00:21:14,372 So it's all fun and games, but you have to be a professional 506 00:21:14,472 --> 00:21:15,373 when you step in there. 507 00:21:15,473 --> 00:21:16,574 So I get it. 508 00:21:16,675 --> 00:21:18,443 But at the same time, we have to respect the sport 509 00:21:18,543 --> 00:21:20,512 and respect who you are when you're 510 00:21:20,612 --> 00:21:22,614 stepping into that ring, and who you're fighting as well. 511 00:21:22,714 --> 00:21:23,715 Yeah. 512 00:21:23,882 --> 00:21:26,418 And what is-- can I ask you what you did? 513 00:21:26,518 --> 00:21:27,886 How do you celebrate after you win 514 00:21:27,919 --> 00:21:29,988 a boxing match like you did at Madison Square Garden 515 00:21:30,088 --> 00:21:31,356 this past weekend? 516 00:21:31,456 --> 00:21:33,958 You know, honestly, this time my whole family got to come. 517 00:21:34,059 --> 00:21:36,895 I fought in London the last three fights. 518 00:21:36,928 --> 00:21:37,896 So my whole family was there. 519 00:21:37,962 --> 00:21:39,698 We got to celebrate, and just really 520 00:21:39,798 --> 00:21:41,032 just mingle and just catch up. 521 00:21:41,132 --> 00:21:42,901 So that was my celebration. 522 00:21:43,001 --> 00:21:44,102 But do you have alcohol? 523 00:21:44,202 --> 00:21:45,570 Let's, I mean, get to details. 524 00:21:45,670 --> 00:21:47,739 Like, are you-- what are you into? 525 00:21:47,839 --> 00:21:48,840 How do you-- yeah. 526 00:21:48,873 --> 00:21:49,841 Do you drink? 527 00:21:49,874 --> 00:21:50,875 Yeah, I do, actually. 528 00:21:50,976 --> 00:21:51,876 I have a drink. 529 00:21:51,977 --> 00:21:52,978 A Moscow mule's my go-to. - Oh. 530 00:21:53,078 --> 00:21:53,979 OK? 531 00:21:54,079 --> 00:21:55,480 Yeah, I like a Moscow mule. 532 00:21:55,580 --> 00:21:57,649 Although we have to change that name now with the war. 533 00:21:57,749 --> 00:22:00,118 We need to call it something else, you know? 534 00:22:00,218 --> 00:22:01,419 I like that drink, too, but I don't 535 00:22:01,519 --> 00:22:03,188 like ordering a Moscow mule. 536 00:22:03,288 --> 00:22:04,990 But I would like to share a Moscow meal with you. 537 00:22:05,090 --> 00:22:05,991 All right. 538 00:22:06,091 --> 00:22:07,492 Yeah. 539 00:22:07,592 --> 00:22:08,526 Congratulations on everything. - Thank you. 540 00:22:08,626 --> 00:22:09,861 Thank you. 541 00:22:09,928 --> 00:22:10,962 Thank you so much for coming and sitting down with us, 542 00:22:11,062 --> 00:22:12,030 and I wish you the best of luck. 543 00:22:12,130 --> 00:22:13,031 Thank you so much. 544 00:22:13,131 --> 00:22:14,065 Not that you'll need it. 545 00:22:14,165 --> 00:22:17,569 Alicia Baumgardner everyone. 546 00:22:17,669 --> 00:22:18,570 OK. 547 00:22:18,670 --> 00:22:19,671 We're going to take a quick break 548 00:22:19,771 --> 00:22:20,939 and we'll be right back after this. 549 00:22:21,039 --> 00:22:24,109 [crowd cheering] 550 00:22:26,477 --> 00:22:28,546 That's our show for tonight. 551 00:22:28,646 --> 00:22:32,483 But before we go, here it is, your moment of zen. 552 00:22:32,584 --> 00:22:34,352 Here's the real state of the Union. 553 00:22:34,452 --> 00:22:37,288 I'm the most corrupt president in American history. 554 00:22:37,388 --> 00:22:38,790 And it's not even close. 555 00:22:38,890 --> 00:22:40,124 I'm a disaster. 556 00:22:40,225 --> 00:22:42,427 But the good news is that Joe Biden 557 00:22:42,527 --> 00:22:45,830 is running for president, and I'm going to jail. 558 00:22:45,930 --> 00:22:47,966 Thank you. 559 00:22:48,066 --> 00:22:49,601 MTV.