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[theme music]
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ANNOUNCER: From New York City,
the only city in America,
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it's the show that
invented news.
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This is The Daily Show with
your host, Hasan Minhaj.
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[cheering]
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Hi.
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Hey, everybody.
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I'm Hasan Minhaj.
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And I'm on day two of
hosting The Daily Show.
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I'm back, baby.
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Listen-- no, no, no, no.
Settle in.
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Settle in.
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Settle in.
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Listen, listen.
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It's days like today that
I remember what my old boss
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Jon Stewart used to say to me.
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Hasan, please, stop
name dropping me
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when you tell stories.
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[laughter]
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Miss you, J-Stew.
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We got a lot to
talk about tonight.
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So let's get into headlines.
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[cheering]
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Let's kick things
off with TikTok.
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It's the app that taught
me how to make spaghetti
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in a washing machine.
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But it also gave me adult ADHD.
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Look at my pen.
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Isn't this cool?
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Fo-- focus, focus.
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But if you work
for the government,
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your TikTok days are numbered.
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Because the White
House just announced
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that federal agencies have
30 days to delete TikTok
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from all government phones.
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Yeah, that's right.
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President Joseph R.
Boner Killer thinks
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that China could spy on us.
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But that's stupid because
they use balloons now, Joseph.
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And you know what?
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China also thinks that
this ban is stupid.
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REPORTER: A Chinese official
is responding to this move
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this morning saying, quote,
"As the world's most powerful
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country, the US needs to
be more self-confident
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instead of being so afraid of
an app loved by young people."
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[laughter]
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OK, China.
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Oh, what, you
trying to press me?
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Oh, you think America
isn't self-confident?
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We call our national
champions world champions.
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You understand?
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Listen, we called
dibs on the moon.
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That's our moon.
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We invaded the wrong country
and stayed there for 20 years.
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You think I don't have the
self-confidence to just
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mindlessly stare at my phone?
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I'll do it right now, China.
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I'll give my soul to this
thing right now, Chi--
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[bleep] ADD, [bleep] ADD.
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But seriously, do you want
to know how I know that China
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is really playing us?
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China doesn't use
the same TikTok.
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Chinese TikTok has a
time limit for kids.
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It's capped at 40
minutes because China
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is smart enough to
follow the fourth rule
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of the 10 Crack Commandments--
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never get high on
your own supply.
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[laughter]
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But let's move on
because Biden isn't
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just moving against TikTok.
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He's also trying to
kill student debt.
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And today the
Supreme Court heard
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arguments about whether
canceling student
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debt was legal.
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Now, you know this issue.
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There's basically
two camps, right?
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There's one group that
says let's go clear history
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on everybody's student debt.
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Right?
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What do you think about that?
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[cheering]
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Don't do that.
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Just to be clear, I'm not
paying your student loan debt.
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I'm Hasan Minhaj.
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I'm not Oprah, OK?
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[laughter]
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But then there's another group
of Kirkland Signature dads
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going, hey, I had to
work 30 hours a day
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to pay off my student debts.
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I got [bleep] by life,
and so should you, kids.
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And, dads, I hear you.
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No one should be happy.
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But I promise you, even if
student debt gets canceled,
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life is going to curb
stomp your kids anyway.
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They're already [bleep].
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They don't have
health insurance.
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They're not going to
be able to buy a house.
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And at some point, they'll
run out of clean water.
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So don't worry, boomers.
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You'll get what
you always wanted--
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vengeance on your own children.
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[laughter]
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Now the big story that
I want to talk about
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is all the drama in news media.
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Apparently, everyone at GMA
is [bleep] the same guy.
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But these days, the most
scandalous place in TV news
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is Fox News.
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Now you're probably
thinking, Fox News, oh, shit.
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They're still out here,
smashing in these streets,
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calling women hags.
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Nope!
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Those days are over.
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They're dealing with this--
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cumbersome, ugly hardware.
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These are voting machines made
by Dominion, who no one had
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ever heard of until Fox
put them at the center
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of a mass conspiracy.
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Fox said Dominion
stole the election
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with these R2-D2-looking
janitor carts.
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And now Dominion is suing
Fox for $1.6 billion.
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And the lawsuit is
airing out Rupert
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Murdoch's dirty laundry.
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There was breaking news
tonight involving Fox News
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and owner Rupert Murdoch,
acknowledging under oath
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that Fox News hosts endorsed
false election fraud claims.
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REPORTER: It's a candid
admission from Fox News boss
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Rupert Murdoch about how his
network handled Donald Trump's
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lie about the 2020 election.
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Murdoch acknowledging quote,
"some of our commentators
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were endorsing false claims
that the election was somehow
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stolen from former
President Trump."
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Explosive, newly-revealed
testimony in the Dominion
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voting systems lawsuit.
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Shocking new revelations,
new bombshell admissions
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under oath.
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Oh, is it a bombshell?
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Is it?
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Is it shocking?
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Is it explosive?
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What?
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Fox knew the election
wasn't stolen,
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but they said it anyways?
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That's not shocking.
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If Brian Kilmeade ever
completed a Wordle,
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that would be shocking.
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Now I'm not shocked.
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But I will say I am
very entertained.
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Because of this lawsuit,
a bunch of Fox News hosts
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had to release
their text messages.
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And y'all know this.
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Yeah.
No, no, no.
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You know this.
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There's LinkedIn you.
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And then there's iMessage you.
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That's the deep,
dark underbelly
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of who you really are.
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And, boy oh boy, were
these iMessages good.
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REPORTER: New court filings
show that in private Fox hosts
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Tucker Carlson, Laura
Ingraham, and Sean Hannity
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were brutally ridiculing
the claims of election fraud
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and the people who
were making them.
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REPORTER: Top Fox hosts
privately trashed the Trump
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legal team for lying.
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As Tucker Carlson
texted Laura Ingraham,
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"Sidney Powell is lying.
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It's insane."
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Ingraham responded,
"Sidney is a complete nut."
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REPORTER: Tucker Carlson
referred to Donald Trump
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as a demonic force.
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REPORTER: The private
mockery also targeted
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Trump lawyer Rudy Giuliani.
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Sean Hannity wrote,
Giuliani is "acting
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like an insane
person," while Ingraham
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remarked, "Such an idiot."
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[laughter]
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Oh, my god.
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Do you realize what this means?
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These people are
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secretly, sane.
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[laughter]
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They also don't respect anyone
they have on their show.
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These guys are texting
each other all day
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about how bullshit Fox News is.
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Their group chat
is basically MSNBC.
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[laughter]
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But out of everything we
learned about Fox News,
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there was one text that
came out in discovery
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that truly freaked me out.
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It's when Tucker
Carlson said Fox
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News had to be more
supportive of Donald
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Trump's election claims.
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REPORTER: Tucker Carlson wrote
his producer Alex Pfeiffer,
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"Do the executives understand
how much credibility and trust
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we've lost with our audience?
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We're playing with
fire for real.
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An alternative like Newsmax
could be devastating to us."
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Do you understand
what he's saying here?
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He's saying, if I don't
say this bullshit,
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my viewers will leave me.
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This whole time we
thought Fox News
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was manipulating its viewers.
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But it turns out the viewers
were manipulating Fox News.
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[laughter]
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So just think of
it like this, OK?
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Tucker Carlson is a
moral vacuum, a hole,
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if you will, who glorifies
election deniers,
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so a glory hole.
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And his viewers expect him to
please them with his mouth.
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And he's constantly terrified
that they'll find a new, more
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satisfying glory hole.
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And that's why Tucker Carlson
will never stop sucking.
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[laughter]
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For more on these
revealing texts,
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we turn to a man
I've known for years,
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my good friend Michael Kosta.
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My dude, Michael.
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[cheering]
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What's happening, man?
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So great to see
you, Michael Kosta.
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Now let's talk about this.
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These text messages, they're
devastating for Fox, right?
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Absolutely, they're
so embarrassing.
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I mean, being caught
texting with your coworkers,
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how humiliating, you know?
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What kind of losers
have friends at work?
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[laughter]
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I thought we were friends.
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And that's what's especially
embarrassing for these hosts
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is that they could have avoided
all this just by not giving
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their phones to the court.
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The court won't know about
your embarrassing texts
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if you don't give
them your texts.
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Duh.
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No, they didn't
give them their texts.
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They were forced to turn
them over with a subpoena.
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What?
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Yeah, yeah.
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Michael, a court can
force you to hand
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over your text messages.
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No.
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No, no, no, no.
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Texts are private.
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HASAN MINHAJ: No,
no, no, they're not.
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You can get them through
a legal process called--
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oh, my god.
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Let's focus.
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Listen, let me ask you this.
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Do you think this lawsuit
will finally end the election
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fraud claims once and for all?
- I guess.
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It depend-- so-- so wait.
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So wait.
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You're telling me
that-- that if--
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Oh, my god.
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If somebody hypothetically
was running a slip and fall
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insurance scam with my
grandma and her roommate
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00:10:14,181 --> 00:10:15,082
at the nursing home--
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What?
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--a court could get
those text messages?
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Yeah, easily, Michael.
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That would be very
incriminating too.
261
00:10:22,789 --> 00:10:25,392
OK, well, the blue bubbles,
but not the green, right?
262
00:10:25,492 --> 00:10:26,393
Because--
263
00:10:26,493 --> 00:10:27,394
What?
264
00:10:27,494 --> 00:10:29,630
Because Beatrice--
265
00:10:29,730 --> 00:10:31,865
Beatrice is on Android
and is just too set
266
00:10:31,965 --> 00:10:33,000
in her ways to switch, right?
267
00:10:33,100 --> 00:10:34,902
They can get every
kind of bubble, Michael.
268
00:10:35,002 --> 00:10:37,204
What are you-- are
you my [bleep] dad?
269
00:10:37,304 --> 00:10:38,205
Let's focus on Fox News.
270
00:10:38,305 --> 00:10:39,206
Listen.
271
00:10:39,306 --> 00:10:40,474
Jesus Christ.
272
00:10:40,574 --> 00:10:42,910
What's happening right now
is an existential crisis.
273
00:10:43,010 --> 00:10:44,945
Financial loss is one
thing, but the integrity
274
00:10:45,045 --> 00:10:46,313
of journalism in newsrooms--
- Jesus.
275
00:10:46,413 --> 00:10:47,447
What are you doing?
276
00:10:47,548 --> 00:10:50,250
I'm-- I'm just clearing
some space off my phone.
277
00:10:50,350 --> 00:10:52,319
I mean, Jesus Christ,
I have a lot of texts.
278
00:10:52,419 --> 00:10:53,820
Dude, deleting texts
is not going to work.
279
00:10:53,921 --> 00:10:55,155
It's not going
to help anything.
280
00:10:55,255 --> 00:10:56,723
A court can still find
them in the cloud.
281
00:10:56,823 --> 00:10:58,358
Well, yeah, but not if
it's password protected.
282
00:10:58,458 --> 00:10:59,359
It's password protected.
283
00:10:59,459 --> 00:11:00,961
Yeah, is your password 1111?
284
00:11:01,061 --> 00:11:03,430
Oh, my god.
285
00:11:03,530 --> 00:11:05,365
They're going to
know everything,
286
00:11:05,465 --> 00:11:07,334
and they're going to
flip Beatrice for sure.
287
00:11:07,434 --> 00:11:11,338
Nana, you-- you have
to smother Beatrice.
288
00:11:11,438 --> 00:11:14,441
Do it with the pillow that
says, bless this mess.
289
00:11:14,541 --> 00:11:16,410
Kosta, are you live
texting a murder plan?
290
00:11:16,510 --> 00:11:17,578
No, Hasan.
I'm not stupid.
291
00:11:17,678 --> 00:11:19,246
I'm emailing her.
It's a totally different app.
292
00:11:19,346 --> 00:11:20,447
They can still do that!
293
00:11:20,547 --> 00:11:21,915
It's the same thing!
Oh, my god!
294
00:11:22,082 --> 00:11:23,450
- OK, I got it.
- What are you doing?
295
00:11:23,550 --> 00:11:24,484
Watch this.
Watch this.
296
00:11:24,585 --> 00:11:25,485
Boom.
- Oh, my god.
297
00:11:25,586 --> 00:11:26,620
Boom, all right?
298
00:11:26,720 --> 00:11:30,557
There, good luck nabbing
me now, federales, OK?
299
00:11:30,657 --> 00:11:33,093
Talk to my lawyer,
Poland Spring.
300
00:11:33,126 --> 00:11:34,795
[laughter]
301
00:11:34,895 --> 00:11:36,330
Hey, would you mind
calling me an Uber?
302
00:11:36,430 --> 00:11:37,798
It's just--
303
00:11:37,898 --> 00:11:39,266
What's your address?
304
00:11:39,366 --> 00:11:40,267
Panama.
305
00:11:40,367 --> 00:11:41,568
Michael Kosta, everyone.
306
00:11:41,668 --> 00:11:43,470
Panama, just any--
307
00:11:43,570 --> 00:11:44,872
any address.
308
00:11:44,972 --> 00:11:47,908
All right, when we come back,
I'm going full hater on tech.
309
00:11:48,008 --> 00:11:48,909
Don't go away.
310
00:11:49,009 --> 00:11:52,379
[cheering]
311
00:12:00,958 --> 00:12:07,398
[cheering]
312
00:12:09,433 --> 00:12:11,168
Welcome back to
The Daily Show.
313
00:12:11,268 --> 00:12:13,371
If you're like me,
your life is both owned
314
00:12:13,471 --> 00:12:14,939
and ruined by technology.
315
00:12:15,039 --> 00:12:16,540
So I went to talk
to someone about how
316
00:12:16,640 --> 00:12:18,309
to break free from it all.
317
00:12:18,409 --> 00:12:20,344
Even though I've made a
career of standing in front
318
00:12:20,444 --> 00:12:22,179
of screens and
flailing my arms,
319
00:12:22,279 --> 00:12:24,081
I have a secret to
tell all of you.
320
00:12:24,181 --> 00:12:26,350
I hate technology.
321
00:12:26,450 --> 00:12:28,586
Every new gizmo and
gadget claims to be
322
00:12:28,686 --> 00:12:30,321
highly useful and easy to use.
323
00:12:30,421 --> 00:12:32,256
But if that were
true, then why are
324
00:12:32,356 --> 00:12:35,660
we so frustrated by technology
all the goddamn time?
325
00:12:35,760 --> 00:12:39,897
I decided to sit down with
Marques Brownlee, aka, MCBHD,
326
00:12:39,997 --> 00:12:41,966
who's been heralded
as the greatest tech
327
00:12:42,066 --> 00:12:43,934
reviewer on planet
Earth, bringing
328
00:12:44,035 --> 00:12:47,171
us endless videos of the
newest high tech piece of shit.
329
00:12:47,271 --> 00:12:51,042
But could he convince me to
join his techno mania cult?
330
00:12:51,142 --> 00:12:54,478
Marques, you are like the
Kim Kardashian of technology.
331
00:12:54,578 --> 00:12:57,281
What you say moves product,
and you do have a lot of junk
332
00:12:57,381 --> 00:12:59,650
in your trunk to review.
333
00:12:59,750 --> 00:13:02,253
Has that been said,
or are you just?
334
00:13:02,353 --> 00:13:04,188
That's a metaphor,
yeah, I'm proposing that.
335
00:13:04,288 --> 00:13:05,456
I like that.
336
00:13:05,556 --> 00:13:09,627
You have dedicated your
life to reviewing technology.
337
00:13:09,727 --> 00:13:10,761
Why?
338
00:13:10,861 --> 00:13:12,897
There is a quote
you've probably heard.
339
00:13:12,997 --> 00:13:16,000
Any sufficiently
advanced technology is
340
00:13:16,100 --> 00:13:17,635
indistinguishable from magic.
341
00:13:17,735 --> 00:13:19,570
If you have a
certain expectation
342
00:13:19,637 --> 00:13:22,707
and the tech actually gives
you that output you expect,
343
00:13:22,807 --> 00:13:25,209
like that working, I love that.
344
00:13:25,309 --> 00:13:26,911
And when it doesn't work,
what does it feel like?
345
00:13:27,011 --> 00:13:28,179
Incredibly frustrating.
346
00:13:28,279 --> 00:13:29,780
Yeah, to me, it feels like
an abomination to society.
347
00:13:29,880 --> 00:13:30,815
- It's rough.
- Yeah.
348
00:13:30,915 --> 00:13:31,882
Here's my problem.
349
00:13:31,982 --> 00:13:33,584
My brain is melting
right now, because I
350
00:13:33,617 --> 00:13:37,088
have to juggle 100 apps just to
communicate with eight people.
351
00:13:37,188 --> 00:13:38,089
Mm-hmm.
352
00:13:38,189 --> 00:13:39,657
When I was in college,
there were three
353
00:13:39,757 --> 00:13:41,225
ways to get a hold of me.
354
00:13:41,325 --> 00:13:44,862
Call me if you're confident,
text me if you're shy,
355
00:13:44,962 --> 00:13:45,963
email me if you're smart.
356
00:13:46,063 --> 00:13:48,666
Now, it's 100 apps.
357
00:13:48,766 --> 00:13:52,603
iMessage, friends, Android,
annoying friends, Signal,
358
00:13:52,703 --> 00:13:55,473
pretentious college friends,
WhatsApp, annoying family
359
00:13:55,606 --> 00:13:58,843
members, Instagram DMs,
horny randos, Twitter DMs,
360
00:13:58,943 --> 00:14:02,646
angry political randos, Evite,
psychos, paperless post,
361
00:14:02,747 --> 00:14:03,714
liberal psychos.
362
00:14:03,814 --> 00:14:05,349
That's just messaging, Marques.
363
00:14:05,449 --> 00:14:06,417
Yeah.
364
00:14:06,550 --> 00:14:09,086
So you do have the
option to not try any
365
00:14:09,186 --> 00:14:10,454
of the things you don't want.
366
00:14:10,554 --> 00:14:12,156
Until I go to a restaurant,
you go, hey, can I get a menu?
367
00:14:12,256 --> 00:14:13,290
Yeah.
368
00:14:13,391 --> 00:14:15,092
And they go, oh yeah,
just scan the QR code.
369
00:14:15,192 --> 00:14:17,094
I go, no, no, no, I
went to this restaurant
370
00:14:17,194 --> 00:14:18,663
to avoid being on my phone.
371
00:14:18,763 --> 00:14:20,164
And then they're like,
oh, you have to also
372
00:14:20,264 --> 00:14:21,298
pay through your phone.
373
00:14:21,399 --> 00:14:22,600
In order to do that,
you have to create
374
00:14:22,700 --> 00:14:23,734
a username and password.
375
00:14:23,834 --> 00:14:25,369
- Oh, OK, so--
- Do you see what I'm saying?
376
00:14:25,469 --> 00:14:26,470
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
377
00:14:26,570 --> 00:14:30,007
You just made this,
I'll have the tuna melt,
378
00:14:30,107 --> 00:14:31,409
six steps harder.
379
00:14:31,575 --> 00:14:33,277
There's a Goldilocks
zone of like going
380
00:14:33,377 --> 00:14:36,580
a little bit into tech
and seeing real benefit
381
00:14:36,681 --> 00:14:37,682
before going too far.
382
00:14:37,782 --> 00:14:40,584
But we got to try a
whole bunch of bad ideas
383
00:14:40,685 --> 00:14:43,654
before we find one or two
cool things Hasan might like.
384
00:14:43,754 --> 00:14:46,657
Marques wanted to prove to
me that tech could be useful
385
00:14:46,757 --> 00:14:49,093
and user-friendly by
doing what he's known
386
00:14:49,193 --> 00:14:50,828
for, a product demo.
387
00:14:50,928 --> 00:14:53,864
Secretly, I suspected it
would turn into an episode of,
388
00:14:53,964 --> 00:14:56,600
"This Shit Doesn't Work."
389
00:14:56,667 --> 00:14:58,235
These new
tech-enhanced products
390
00:14:58,336 --> 00:15:00,705
were a smart
toothbrush, smart hover
391
00:15:00,805 --> 00:15:02,606
shoes, and a smart printer.
392
00:15:02,707 --> 00:15:04,975
And of course, all of
these were supposed to be
393
00:15:05,076 --> 00:15:07,044
as easy as one, two, three.
394
00:15:07,144 --> 00:15:09,013
All right, let's see.
395
00:15:09,113 --> 00:15:10,781
Lean slightly forward
to move forward,
396
00:15:10,881 --> 00:15:12,616
slightly backward
to go backwards,
397
00:15:12,717 --> 00:15:14,185
and step off to get off.
398
00:15:14,285 --> 00:15:15,186
OK.
399
00:15:15,286 --> 00:15:16,187
Smart toothbrush.
400
00:15:16,287 --> 00:15:17,455
It's got a ton
of sensors and it
401
00:15:17,555 --> 00:15:18,989
might be able to shed
some light on something
402
00:15:19,090 --> 00:15:20,291
you can do better.
- All right.
403
00:15:20,391 --> 00:15:21,692
Let's see how easy it is.
- Sure.
404
00:15:21,792 --> 00:15:22,727
Look at that.
405
00:15:22,827 --> 00:15:24,228
Sticker reminding
you how easy it is.
406
00:15:24,328 --> 00:15:25,429
Can I plug it in right here?
407
00:15:25,563 --> 00:15:26,430
Yeah.
408
00:15:26,564 --> 00:15:27,565
All right?
409
00:15:27,665 --> 00:15:29,266
All right, this is it?
- Yeah.
410
00:15:29,367 --> 00:15:30,368
All right, back
to the future.
411
00:15:30,468 --> 00:15:32,003
I can't believe
there's no straps.
412
00:15:32,103 --> 00:15:33,037
Says, twist me.
413
00:15:33,137 --> 00:15:34,238
Yeah.
414
00:15:34,338 --> 00:15:35,239
Ah.
415
00:15:35,339 --> 00:15:36,574
What happens
when you open it?
416
00:15:36,607 --> 00:15:38,776
Somewhere around,
there we go.
417
00:15:38,876 --> 00:15:39,777
There's a tab.
418
00:15:39,877 --> 00:15:41,379
Because the sticker
says effortless.
419
00:15:41,479 --> 00:15:42,580
Well, wait, wait.
420
00:15:42,613 --> 00:15:43,647
Why is it going?
421
00:15:43,748 --> 00:15:45,483
Why is it possessed?
422
00:15:45,583 --> 00:15:46,717
Shoot, shoot.
423
00:15:46,817 --> 00:15:48,619
I connect this to app, right?
424
00:15:48,719 --> 00:15:49,854
App Store app.
425
00:15:49,954 --> 00:15:51,789
The problem is, I just don't
want my dentist to have
426
00:15:51,889 --> 00:15:53,591
even more info about me.
- Why not?
427
00:15:53,691 --> 00:15:54,759
Because I haven't
been brushing
428
00:15:54,859 --> 00:15:55,893
the fool happy birthday.
429
00:15:55,993 --> 00:15:57,395
Oh, sorry, it says
do not turn the power
430
00:15:57,495 --> 00:15:59,096
of until the
initialization is complete.
431
00:15:59,196 --> 00:16:02,566
This takes about six minutes.
432
00:16:02,667 --> 00:16:06,237
We're just going to sit
here for six minutes.
433
00:16:06,337 --> 00:16:07,238
Where do I apply?
434
00:16:07,338 --> 00:16:10,341
So if I apply, yeah.
435
00:16:10,441 --> 00:16:11,409
So we have to
make an account.
436
00:16:11,542 --> 00:16:13,077
[knocking]
437
00:16:13,177 --> 00:16:14,545
We do have to type
a Wi-Fi password.
438
00:16:14,578 --> 00:16:16,080
There's your keyboard.
439
00:16:16,180 --> 00:16:17,982
So you got to type, by
the way, there's capitals.
440
00:16:18,082 --> 00:16:19,116
Marques!
441
00:16:19,216 --> 00:16:21,385
I have to switch between
uppercase and lowercase?
442
00:16:21,552 --> 00:16:22,687
And then down.
443
00:16:22,787 --> 00:16:24,355
You know relationships end
because of stuff like that.
444
00:16:24,455 --> 00:16:25,556
I'll set up my own account.
445
00:16:25,623 --> 00:16:27,024
You're going to use
your fold government name?
446
00:16:27,124 --> 00:16:28,726
Yeah, I'm going to do
exactly what it asks me to.
447
00:16:28,826 --> 00:16:29,727
I cook by the book, man.
448
00:16:29,827 --> 00:16:30,728
Idiot.
449
00:16:30,828 --> 00:16:32,330
I give it a password.
450
00:16:32,430 --> 00:16:33,831
And then you just
straighten your feet?
451
00:16:33,931 --> 00:16:34,832
How do you feel?
452
00:16:34,932 --> 00:16:36,267
I feel like a baby giraffe.
453
00:16:36,367 --> 00:16:37,668
Oh, I have to [inaudible].
454
00:16:37,768 --> 00:16:39,236
Yeah, you want
a password again?
455
00:16:39,337 --> 00:16:40,338
Yeah, can you send it to me?
456
00:16:40,438 --> 00:16:41,439
Unable to register user.
457
00:16:41,572 --> 00:16:42,440
Please try.
458
00:16:42,573 --> 00:16:44,008
This is what I'm saying!
Try again.
459
00:16:44,108 --> 00:16:45,443
What does it say now?
- Doesn't work.
460
00:16:45,576 --> 00:16:46,811
You know what, man?
[bleep] this.
461
00:16:46,911 --> 00:16:48,245
How do I get off?
462
00:16:48,346 --> 00:16:49,313
Uh.
463
00:16:49,413 --> 00:16:50,614
It's not your thing,
it's my thing, bro.
464
00:16:50,715 --> 00:16:51,649
Oh, you don't.
465
00:16:51,749 --> 00:16:53,117
Please try one more
time, third time.
466
00:16:53,217 --> 00:16:54,485
It doesn't work.
Login failed.
467
00:16:54,585 --> 00:16:56,420
Login failed!
468
00:16:56,587 --> 00:16:58,589
And we're.
469
00:16:58,622 --> 00:16:59,890
What is it printing?
470
00:16:59,990 --> 00:17:02,226
Yeah, ladies and gentlemen,
let's have our final product,
471
00:17:02,326 --> 00:17:07,064
shall we?
472
00:17:07,164 --> 00:17:08,065
I mean.
473
00:17:08,165 --> 00:17:09,900
This shit doesn't work!
474
00:17:10,001 --> 00:17:11,369
It doesn't work!
475
00:17:11,535 --> 00:17:12,436
It didn't work.
476
00:17:12,536 --> 00:17:14,138
I felt like I had
just proved to Marques
477
00:17:14,238 --> 00:17:16,407
that his entire life was a lie.
478
00:17:16,540 --> 00:17:19,043
But he had a slightly
different perspective.
479
00:17:19,143 --> 00:17:22,980
The goal of tech is really
to just work every time
480
00:17:23,080 --> 00:17:24,281
and be as easy as possible.
481
00:17:24,382 --> 00:17:25,282
Yeah.
482
00:17:25,383 --> 00:17:27,818
So I would just
say to have patience
483
00:17:27,918 --> 00:17:30,354
with the things
that don't work yet,
484
00:17:30,454 --> 00:17:34,058
because maybe they will soon.
485
00:17:34,158 --> 00:17:35,359
But printers are
just [inaudible]..
486
00:17:35,459 --> 00:17:36,560
Printers are doomed.
487
00:17:36,594 --> 00:17:39,563
So maybe the way to fix
shitty modern technology
488
00:17:39,597 --> 00:17:44,568
is by becoming more patient
and understanding users.
489
00:17:44,602 --> 00:17:46,937
[screaming]
490
00:17:47,038 --> 00:17:49,807
Why can you work?
491
00:17:49,907 --> 00:17:53,744
Here's an app.
492
00:17:53,844 --> 00:17:55,713
[whirring]
493
00:17:55,813 --> 00:17:58,249
Open can.
494
00:17:58,349 --> 00:17:59,483
Close, you can!
495
00:17:59,583 --> 00:18:00,518
Close!
496
00:18:00,584 --> 00:18:02,286
The shit doesn't work!
497
00:18:02,386 --> 00:18:07,858
[growling]
498
00:18:07,958 --> 00:18:09,660
Thank you, Marques.
499
00:18:09,760 --> 00:18:12,430
All right, stay tuned,
because when we come back,
500
00:18:12,530 --> 00:18:13,964
Rebel Wilson will be
joining me on the show.
501
00:18:14,065 --> 00:18:14,965
Don't go away.
502
00:18:15,066 --> 00:18:18,135
[cheering]
503
00:18:27,024 --> 00:18:32,196
[cheering, applause]
504
00:18:32,296 --> 00:18:34,765
Welcome back to
The Daily Show!
505
00:18:34,865 --> 00:18:38,102
My guest tonight is an actor
you may know from Bridesmaids
506
00:18:38,202 --> 00:18:39,436
and Pitch Perfect.
507
00:18:39,536 --> 00:18:41,705
She's here to talk about the
new dating app she recently
508
00:18:41,805 --> 00:18:42,973
launched, called Fluid.
509
00:18:43,073 --> 00:18:44,708
Please welcome Rebel Wilson!
510
00:18:44,808 --> 00:18:51,815
[cheering, applause]
511
00:19:05,462 --> 00:19:08,065
Whoa!
512
00:19:08,165 --> 00:19:11,902
Yes, I'm spreading
Fluid across America.
513
00:19:12,002 --> 00:19:13,103
They love you, Rebel.
514
00:19:13,203 --> 00:19:14,638
Ah, hi, guys.
515
00:19:14,738 --> 00:19:18,509
[cheering, applause]
516
00:19:18,609 --> 00:19:21,845
You should do a
guest host week.
517
00:19:21,946 --> 00:19:23,814
Oh, I don't know whether
I could do what you do.
518
00:19:23,914 --> 00:19:27,184
Sometimes I've done hosting
gigs, and they terrify me.
519
00:19:27,284 --> 00:19:30,487
Like, because-- I hosted
the British Academy Awards,
520
00:19:30,588 --> 00:19:33,457
the BAFTAs, and
it was terrifying.
521
00:19:33,490 --> 00:19:35,025
HASAN MINHAJ: Is it because,
like, British actors
522
00:19:35,125 --> 00:19:36,160
take themselves very seriously?
523
00:19:36,260 --> 00:19:37,228
Yeah, yeah.
524
00:19:37,328 --> 00:19:39,096
Like, I made a joke
about a male actor,
525
00:19:39,196 --> 00:19:42,066
and then his wife came up
to me and was like, you
526
00:19:42,166 --> 00:19:43,267
know he's married, right?
527
00:19:43,367 --> 00:19:45,970
And I'm like, yeah, I
wasn't, like, trying
528
00:19:46,070 --> 00:19:46,971
to get with him or anything.
529
00:19:47,071 --> 00:19:48,505
I was just--
530
00:19:48,606 --> 00:19:49,773
HASAN MINHAJ: (LAUGHING) OK.
531
00:19:49,873 --> 00:19:50,874
So it's very hard to host.
532
00:19:50,975 --> 00:19:51,875
Well--
533
00:19:51,976 --> 00:19:52,910
I'm glad you're hosting.
534
00:19:53,010 --> 00:19:53,911
Speaking--
535
00:19:54,011 --> 00:19:57,815
[cheering, applause]
536
00:19:57,915 --> 00:19:59,316
All right.
537
00:19:59,483 --> 00:20:02,486
Speaking of getting
with people,
538
00:20:02,553 --> 00:20:03,821
you recently got engaged?
539
00:20:03,921 --> 00:20:05,589
Yes, I did.
540
00:20:05,689 --> 00:20:06,590
Congratulations.
541
00:20:06,690 --> 00:20:08,292
[cheering, applause]
542
00:20:08,392 --> 00:20:10,327
You got engaged at Disneyland!
543
00:20:10,494 --> 00:20:13,697
Yes, I got engaged
in Disneyland.
544
00:20:13,797 --> 00:20:17,101
The happiest proposal
place on Earth.
545
00:20:17,201 --> 00:20:18,903
Yeah, so basically,
it's not like I'm
546
00:20:19,003 --> 00:20:20,404
obsessed with Disneyland.
It's just--
547
00:20:20,504 --> 00:20:21,405
Are you--
548
00:20:21,505 --> 00:20:22,573
I go there every weekend.
549
00:20:22,673 --> 00:20:24,174
Oh, my god!
550
00:20:24,275 --> 00:20:26,076
Like, every important holiday
and every important
551
00:20:26,176 --> 00:20:27,244
life event.
552
00:20:27,344 --> 00:20:30,180
So I did actually get to
sleep inside Disneyland
553
00:20:30,281 --> 00:20:32,316
for my 40th birthday.
554
00:20:32,449 --> 00:20:33,951
So I got to sleep
overnight, and I
555
00:20:34,051 --> 00:20:36,620
got those little disability
scooters and went
556
00:20:36,720 --> 00:20:39,890
around just by myself.
557
00:20:39,990 --> 00:20:41,592
I was cruising around.
558
00:20:41,692 --> 00:20:43,227
Why sleep in an
empty theme park?
559
00:20:43,327 --> 00:20:44,628
That's like a horror movie.
560
00:20:44,728 --> 00:20:45,796
It was really fun.
561
00:20:45,896 --> 00:20:46,997
It was really fun.
562
00:20:47,097 --> 00:20:48,599
And then, I tried to break
into the churros thing,
563
00:20:48,699 --> 00:20:51,835
and then I couldn't get
that many, but it was fun.
564
00:20:51,936 --> 00:20:53,003
Yeah.
565
00:20:53,103 --> 00:20:54,905
You know-- but were
the rides open overnight?
566
00:20:55,005 --> 00:20:55,906
No.
567
00:20:56,006 --> 00:20:57,942
They shut 'em, eventually.
568
00:20:58,042 --> 00:21:00,144
There's this whole
thing with Disney adults.
569
00:21:00,244 --> 00:21:01,145
You know this, right?
570
00:21:01,245 --> 00:21:02,146
Maybe I'm one of them.
571
00:21:02,246 --> 00:21:04,114
No!
572
00:21:04,214 --> 00:21:07,484
Did you know, Hasan, there's
actually gangs at Disneyland.
573
00:21:07,585 --> 00:21:10,020
There are, like, these
gangs of adults that
574
00:21:10,120 --> 00:21:12,690
have cool names like
the White Rabbits
575
00:21:12,790 --> 00:21:18,729
or Children of
Thanos, Coco Locos.
576
00:21:18,829 --> 00:21:20,064
Like, yeah, they
have all these gangs,
577
00:21:20,164 --> 00:21:22,333
and sometimes they
wear matching vests.
578
00:21:22,499 --> 00:21:23,867
And they walk
around and, like, do
579
00:21:23,968 --> 00:21:26,503
gang stuff inside Disneyland.
580
00:21:26,604 --> 00:21:27,705
So there's,
like, an initiation
581
00:21:27,805 --> 00:21:30,441
where you have to, like,
stab Goofy or something?
582
00:21:30,541 --> 00:21:32,443
It was-- actually,
one of the initiations
583
00:21:32,543 --> 00:21:35,879
was you had to steal the apple
from the Snow White ride.
584
00:21:35,980 --> 00:21:38,515
And the apple kept getting
stolen so many times,
585
00:21:38,616 --> 00:21:41,118
that they had to
make it a hologram,
586
00:21:41,218 --> 00:21:42,820
not a physical apple anymore.
587
00:21:42,920 --> 00:21:45,656
But don't ask me how I know
about Disneyland gangs,
588
00:21:45,756 --> 00:21:47,324
because I will not say.
589
00:21:47,458 --> 00:21:48,692
Yeah.
590
00:21:48,792 --> 00:21:50,594
It's not like you're wearing
gang colors right now at all.
591
00:21:50,694 --> 00:21:53,464
No.
592
00:21:53,530 --> 00:21:54,765
Right.
593
00:21:54,865 --> 00:21:59,103
But I will say, I did get
banned from Disneyland for 30
594
00:21:59,203 --> 00:22:03,374
days, because I took a
photo in a secret bathroom
595
00:22:03,474 --> 00:22:05,743
inside Disneyland,
which is illegal--
596
00:22:05,843 --> 00:22:07,077
at Disneyland.
597
00:22:07,177 --> 00:22:09,813
And I got officially
banned for 30 days.
598
00:22:09,914 --> 00:22:11,582
But they called me
up and said, Rebel,
599
00:22:11,682 --> 00:22:13,984
what 30 days do you not
want to come to Disneyland,
600
00:22:14,084 --> 00:22:15,853
because you're away filming
a movie or something?
601
00:22:15,953 --> 00:22:18,856
And I said, oh,
June would be fine.
602
00:22:18,956 --> 00:22:20,558
HASAN MINHAJ: That's how
I know you're a celebrity.
603
00:22:20,658 --> 00:22:22,026
(LAUGHING) Yeah.
604
00:22:22,126 --> 00:22:24,995
Like, Disneyland has
Met Gala rules, where
605
00:22:25,095 --> 00:22:26,530
they're like, no photos here.
606
00:22:26,630 --> 00:22:28,265
And then, you break it, and
then they're like, look,
607
00:22:28,432 --> 00:22:29,867
we have to punish
you, but looking
608
00:22:29,967 --> 00:22:33,837
at your Google Calendar,
what month works for you?
609
00:22:33,938 --> 00:22:34,872
Yeah.
610
00:22:34,972 --> 00:22:37,041
Do you-- as a Disney
adult, do you have
611
00:22:37,141 --> 00:22:38,342
beef with quidditch adults?
612
00:22:38,442 --> 00:22:40,544
Because there's adults that
play in quidditch leagues.
613
00:22:40,644 --> 00:22:42,179
Oh. (LAUGHING) Do they?
614
00:22:42,279 --> 00:22:43,581
Yeah, yeah.
615
00:22:43,681 --> 00:22:44,615
You're laughing at them?
616
00:22:44,715 --> 00:22:47,051
I mean, I like
Harry Potter as well.
617
00:22:47,151 --> 00:22:48,052
You're like, yeah.
618
00:22:48,152 --> 00:22:49,453
Yeah, oh, my god.
619
00:22:49,553 --> 00:22:52,222
Dorks.
620
00:22:52,323 --> 00:22:53,891
No, I don't have
beef with everyone.
621
00:22:53,991 --> 00:22:56,093
I'm just, like, spreading
love, and you know.
622
00:22:56,193 --> 00:22:57,094
Yeah.
623
00:22:57,194 --> 00:22:59,129
[laughter]
624
00:22:59,230 --> 00:23:00,564
- Can I ask you a question?
- OK.
625
00:23:00,664 --> 00:23:02,066
I always wanted to--
626
00:23:02,166 --> 00:23:03,467
I haven't done it yet.
627
00:23:03,567 --> 00:23:09,173
But I heard there is this,
like, Disney Illuminati.
628
00:23:09,273 --> 00:23:12,576
It's called Club 33.
629
00:23:12,676 --> 00:23:14,478
Uh-- yeah, I know about this.
630
00:23:14,578 --> 00:23:15,746
HASAN MINHAJ: So--
631
00:23:15,846 --> 00:23:16,747
Because I'm in it.
632
00:23:16,847 --> 00:23:18,482
I'm in it.
633
00:23:18,549 --> 00:23:19,750
HASAN MINHAJ: So what--
634
00:23:19,850 --> 00:23:20,884
this is a private conversation.
635
00:23:20,985 --> 00:23:22,386
Yeah.
636
00:23:22,486 --> 00:23:23,621
I mean, it is-- yeah.
637
00:23:23,721 --> 00:23:25,155
You're not supposed
to say you're in it.
638
00:23:25,256 --> 00:23:27,091
You're not supposed to
reveal other celebrities who
639
00:23:27,191 --> 00:23:29,226
are in it, or other members.
640
00:23:29,326 --> 00:23:30,494
But yeah, I am in it.
641
00:23:30,594 --> 00:23:34,899
And we do secret
cool shit together.
642
00:23:34,999 --> 00:23:37,434
Like, sometimes we go
into Disneyland at 5:00
643
00:23:37,501 --> 00:23:40,771
AM in the morning,
just run around.
644
00:23:40,871 --> 00:23:42,206
- Oh, my god.
- Yeah, we do--
645
00:23:42,306 --> 00:23:43,173
Really?
646
00:23:43,274 --> 00:23:44,508
Yeah.
647
00:23:44,608 --> 00:23:49,179
I have a secret gathering
this weekend in Palm Springs.
648
00:23:49,280 --> 00:23:52,082
Because Walt Disney used to
go there to find inspiration.
649
00:23:52,182 --> 00:23:53,817
HASAN MINHAJ: I don't know
if you're [bleep] with me
650
00:23:53,918 --> 00:23:54,818
right now.
651
00:23:54,919 --> 00:23:56,587
No, this is totally real.
652
00:23:56,687 --> 00:23:58,088
Sometimes I say things
that sound like jokes,
653
00:23:58,188 --> 00:23:59,089
but it's totally real.
654
00:23:59,189 --> 00:24:00,457
But it's totally real?
OK.
655
00:24:00,524 --> 00:24:01,525
Yeah.
656
00:24:01,625 --> 00:24:03,327
I'll go on a Reddit
deep dive and confirm.
657
00:24:03,460 --> 00:24:04,595
Yeah.
658
00:24:04,695 --> 00:24:08,198
I want to talk to you
about this amazing dating app
659
00:24:08,299 --> 00:24:09,466
you have, called Fluid.
- Thank you.
660
00:24:09,567 --> 00:24:10,801
It's new.
661
00:24:10,901 --> 00:24:12,570
Like, none of the other dating
apps have thought of this,
662
00:24:12,670 --> 00:24:17,708
and I was like, well, I thought
of it, so trademark that shit.
663
00:24:17,808 --> 00:24:20,811
Yeah, it's called Fluid,
and basically, when I was--
664
00:24:20,911 --> 00:24:22,212
I wasn't so lucky in love.
665
00:24:22,313 --> 00:24:23,581
I was kind of like
a late bloomer.
666
00:24:23,681 --> 00:24:27,451
And when you joined
a dating app,
667
00:24:27,551 --> 00:24:29,119
which I did-- this
one called Raya,
668
00:24:29,219 --> 00:24:30,621
and you had to, like, tick--
669
00:24:30,721 --> 00:24:32,523
you had to label
yourself, and then label
670
00:24:32,623 --> 00:24:33,791
what you were interested in.
671
00:24:33,891 --> 00:24:34,792
HASAN MINHAJ: OK.
672
00:24:34,892 --> 00:24:36,460
And to me, I kind of, like--
673
00:24:36,560 --> 00:24:38,229
it felt really weird
to, like, tick a box
674
00:24:38,329 --> 00:24:40,064
and say, yes, I'm that.
675
00:24:40,164 --> 00:24:41,532
And so I wanted to
create a dating app where
676
00:24:41,632 --> 00:24:43,334
you don't have to
label yourself,
677
00:24:43,434 --> 00:24:44,902
so it's love without labels.
678
00:24:45,002 --> 00:24:47,204
And to me, it's
really important,
679
00:24:47,304 --> 00:24:49,740
because I think
sexuality is so much more
680
00:24:49,840 --> 00:24:54,245
nuanced and complex than just
labeling yourself like you're
681
00:24:54,345 --> 00:24:57,615
a can of food or something.
682
00:24:57,715 --> 00:25:00,684
And so I wish that Fluid was
an app that was available,
683
00:25:00,784 --> 00:25:02,453
like, five years ago,
because that would
684
00:25:02,486 --> 00:25:06,223
have really helped me a lot.
685
00:25:06,323 --> 00:25:08,359
HASAN MINHAJ: I was
pretty dating apps.
686
00:25:08,459 --> 00:25:09,460
So you've never been on one?
687
00:25:09,560 --> 00:25:10,861
Never been.
i'm.
688
00:25:10,961 --> 00:25:11,829
MS-DOS.
689
00:25:11,929 --> 00:25:13,230
I'm like Windows 95.
690
00:25:13,330 --> 00:25:14,598
Old-school chivalry.
691
00:25:14,698 --> 00:25:17,001
My move was, in
college, with my wife,
692
00:25:17,101 --> 00:25:19,370
I basically just went to
the registrar's office,
693
00:25:19,470 --> 00:25:22,973
and then took all the
classes she was taking.
694
00:25:23,073 --> 00:25:24,074
Oh, that's-- yeah.
695
00:25:24,174 --> 00:25:25,943
Until she broke up
with her boyfriend.
696
00:25:26,043 --> 00:25:27,044
Ah!
697
00:25:27,144 --> 00:25:28,612
Yeah, yeah, I was
laid back in the cut.
698
00:25:28,712 --> 00:25:32,583
You have to respect how
long I held my plank.
699
00:25:32,683 --> 00:25:37,655
Because I was premed
for two years.
700
00:25:37,755 --> 00:25:38,656
OK?
701
00:25:38,756 --> 00:25:40,157
And I should not be premed.
702
00:25:40,257 --> 00:25:41,425
I should not--
703
00:25:41,492 --> 00:25:42,426
Just, wait.
704
00:25:42,526 --> 00:25:43,794
When you say, plank,
what do you mean?
705
00:25:43,894 --> 00:25:46,964
I'm like-- you know when
you're, like, exercising,
706
00:25:47,064 --> 00:25:48,766
they're like, hold the plank!
- OK, oh, yeah.
707
00:25:48,866 --> 00:25:50,501
Maybe that's just that
Barry's Bootcamp that I go to.
708
00:25:50,601 --> 00:25:51,502
Yeah.
All right.
709
00:25:51,602 --> 00:25:53,037
OK.
Yeah.
710
00:25:53,137 --> 00:25:58,542
But the question
that I had was, how
711
00:25:58,642 --> 00:26:01,879
do you initiate conversation?
712
00:26:01,979 --> 00:26:03,280
REBEL WILSON: That's
a good question.
713
00:26:03,447 --> 00:26:05,149
Yeah, because people are
going to be going on Fluid.
714
00:26:05,249 --> 00:26:07,017
They're going to be matching,
and then they're like, ah,
715
00:26:07,117 --> 00:26:08,018
what do I do?
716
00:26:08,118 --> 00:26:09,286
What do I say?
717
00:26:09,453 --> 00:26:10,754
HASAN MINHAJ: How do
you-- how do you start?
718
00:26:10,854 --> 00:26:13,057
Do what I do-- koala emoji.
719
00:26:13,157 --> 00:26:14,458
Just put it in, bang.
720
00:26:14,558 --> 00:26:16,860
Like, you match with someone,
send them a koala emoji.
721
00:26:16,961 --> 00:26:20,464
It could mean multiple things.
722
00:26:20,564 --> 00:26:22,166
I mean, maybe it
particularly worked for me,
723
00:26:22,266 --> 00:26:23,167
because I'm Australian.
724
00:26:23,267 --> 00:26:24,602
Yeah.
725
00:26:24,702 --> 00:26:26,203
But yeah.
726
00:26:26,303 --> 00:26:28,472
I mean, it's interesting what--
some people just do, like,
727
00:26:28,572 --> 00:26:30,841
a wave emoji or
something, like,
728
00:26:30,941 --> 00:26:34,411
not even just a sentence.
(LAUGHING) Just an emoji.
729
00:26:34,445 --> 00:26:35,913
I was like, what are you
supposed to write back
730
00:26:36,013 --> 00:26:37,648
when someone does the hey?
HASAN MINHAJ: I have no idea.
731
00:26:37,748 --> 00:26:38,782
Yeah.
I mean, it's hard.
732
00:26:38,882 --> 00:26:40,251
HASAN MINHAJ: Well, the
hey is kind of just--
733
00:26:40,417 --> 00:26:41,719
do you take it as--
is that too much?
734
00:26:41,819 --> 00:26:43,087
No.
735
00:26:43,187 --> 00:26:43,988
HASAN MINHAJ: Or are you like,
oh, they're waving me down,
736
00:26:44,088 --> 00:26:45,256
like hey--
737
00:26:45,422 --> 00:26:46,891
What would be too much--
he's, like, calling you "babe"
738
00:26:46,991 --> 00:26:49,059
in the first message.
739
00:26:49,159 --> 00:26:51,962
You don't get to "babe"
until you've been on, like,
740
00:26:52,062 --> 00:26:53,864
five dates at least, I think.
741
00:26:53,964 --> 00:26:55,065
HASAN MINHAJ: Yeah,
"babe" is a lot.
742
00:26:55,165 --> 00:26:57,635
Yeah, or like, just
saying, what about we
743
00:26:57,735 --> 00:26:59,336
meet at Starbucks at 11:00 AM?
744
00:26:59,436 --> 00:27:02,473
Like, you know--
745
00:27:02,573 --> 00:27:03,707
HASAN MINHAJ: What's
wrong with that?
746
00:27:03,807 --> 00:27:05,609
'Cause you wouldn't walk
up to somebody in a bar.
747
00:27:05,709 --> 00:27:06,744
HASAN MINHAJ: I love--
I would love--
748
00:27:06,844 --> 00:27:07,878
But then, it wouldn't
be your opening line.
749
00:27:07,978 --> 00:27:09,046
You've got to have
a bit of banter.
750
00:27:09,146 --> 00:27:10,281
OK, so-- yeah.
751
00:27:10,447 --> 00:27:11,582
So what I recommend
to people is
752
00:27:11,682 --> 00:27:13,150
to do a little bit of banter.
753
00:27:13,250 --> 00:27:16,287
And then, get down to
business about when and where
754
00:27:16,453 --> 00:27:18,088
you're going to meet up-- in
a public place, for
755
00:27:18,188 --> 00:27:19,356
safety, always.
756
00:27:19,456 --> 00:27:20,457
HASAN MINHAJ: Right.
757
00:27:20,558 --> 00:27:22,526
I did one experiment
called the Year of Love
758
00:27:22,626 --> 00:27:24,929
in 2019, where I went out
with everybody who asked
759
00:27:25,029 --> 00:27:26,564
me out, as an experiment.
760
00:27:26,664 --> 00:27:27,598
So--
761
00:27:27,698 --> 00:27:29,099
HASAN MINHAJ: How
is that not a movie?
762
00:27:29,199 --> 00:27:30,601
- Oh, it should be.
- It should be.
763
00:27:30,701 --> 00:27:31,702
Yeah, I think I might--
764
00:27:31,802 --> 00:27:33,070
You just yes-and-ed
every-- that's, like,
765
00:27:33,170 --> 00:27:34,438
the craziest improv class.
766
00:27:34,538 --> 00:27:35,439
Yeah.
767
00:27:35,539 --> 00:27:37,808
Everybody who said
"yes," unless they
768
00:27:37,908 --> 00:27:38,809
were in a federal prison--
769
00:27:38,909 --> 00:27:39,910
OK.
770
00:27:40,010 --> 00:27:41,445
--I went out with.
That was the one caveat.
771
00:27:41,545 --> 00:27:42,446
Uh-huh.
772
00:27:42,546 --> 00:27:45,115
And so I did get
really good at dating,
773
00:27:45,215 --> 00:27:48,118
because I felt like, in my 20s,
I was studying and working,
774
00:27:48,218 --> 00:27:52,122
so I didn't really date
much, so I had no experience.
775
00:27:52,222 --> 00:27:55,192
So I spent one year
really focusing on dating.
776
00:27:55,292 --> 00:27:58,963
But yeah, I would just say,
banter it off, and then set up
777
00:27:59,063 --> 00:28:00,731
a meeting in a public place.
HASAN MINHAJ: OK.
778
00:28:00,831 --> 00:28:01,732
Safety.
779
00:28:01,832 --> 00:28:02,833
Yeah.
780
00:28:02,933 --> 00:28:04,435
Can I ask you about
that opening "hey"?
781
00:28:04,535 --> 00:28:05,436
OK.
782
00:28:05,536 --> 00:28:08,005
Do you go, capital H-E-Y?
783
00:28:08,105 --> 00:28:09,673
Do you go-- this is serious.
- That's shouting.
784
00:28:09,773 --> 00:28:10,674
That's shouting.
785
00:28:10,774 --> 00:28:11,675
What?
786
00:28:11,775 --> 00:28:12,776
Yeah, if you capitalize that.
787
00:28:12,876 --> 00:28:13,744
What about--
788
00:28:13,844 --> 00:28:15,012
It's like saying--
(SHOUTING) Hey!
789
00:28:15,112 --> 00:28:16,113
No, no, no.
790
00:28:16,213 --> 00:28:17,514
And then, you could
come off as aggressive.
791
00:28:17,615 --> 00:28:19,149
No, Rebel, all caps--
792
00:28:19,250 --> 00:28:22,019
capital H, capital E, capital
Y, exclamation point--
793
00:28:22,119 --> 00:28:23,787
that's-- (SHOUTING) Hey!
794
00:28:23,887 --> 00:28:25,122
It's more like, hey.
795
00:28:25,222 --> 00:28:27,324
Yeah, you want to do,
like, more like a Hamilton
796
00:28:27,424 --> 00:28:28,425
"hey," which is like, hey.
797
00:28:28,525 --> 00:28:29,426
You know?
798
00:28:29,526 --> 00:28:31,962
Oh, you're so cool.
799
00:28:32,062 --> 00:28:33,097
You know what I realized do?
800
00:28:33,197 --> 00:28:34,131
So I would do lowercase.
801
00:28:34,231 --> 00:28:36,800
When you text, do
you use punctuation?
802
00:28:36,901 --> 00:28:39,336
Do you capital-H-E-Y, or
do you do all lowercase?
803
00:28:39,436 --> 00:28:40,337
Are you like, "hey"?
804
00:28:40,437 --> 00:28:41,705
I do punctuation.
805
00:28:41,805 --> 00:28:43,674
Maybe it's because I'm
a law school graduate.
806
00:28:43,774 --> 00:28:44,775
HASAN MINHAJ: Yeah, me, too.
807
00:28:44,875 --> 00:28:45,776
But I didn't know--
808
00:28:45,876 --> 00:28:47,311
I didn't know that's corny now.
809
00:28:47,411 --> 00:28:49,647
Like, now, it's all
ironic detachment.
810
00:28:49,747 --> 00:28:51,615
I think that's a
sign of good education.
811
00:28:51,715 --> 00:28:53,484
Yeah.
OK, thank you.
812
00:28:53,584 --> 00:28:54,551
Thank you.
813
00:28:54,652 --> 00:29:00,391
[applause]
814
00:29:00,491 --> 00:29:04,728
I wanted to ask you, what
is an instant red flag
815
00:29:04,828 --> 00:29:06,564
for a dating profile?
816
00:29:06,664 --> 00:29:08,232
OK, there's some things--
817
00:29:08,332 --> 00:29:10,034
a man holding a fish.
818
00:29:10,134 --> 00:29:13,837
[laughter]
819
00:29:13,938 --> 00:29:15,773
(LAUGHING) Why?
820
00:29:15,873 --> 00:29:16,807
He loves nature!
821
00:29:16,907 --> 00:29:21,579
No, something weird about it.
822
00:29:21,679 --> 00:29:24,815
Also, girl on a horse.
823
00:29:24,915 --> 00:29:26,550
No.
824
00:29:26,650 --> 00:29:27,785
Horse girls?
825
00:29:27,885 --> 00:29:29,086
They're a bit--
826
00:29:29,186 --> 00:29:31,322
What about Machu Picchu--
what about Machu Picchu guy?
827
00:29:31,455 --> 00:29:32,990
I have a lot of guy
friends that are like,
828
00:29:33,090 --> 00:29:34,658
sunglasses, Machu Picchu.
829
00:29:34,758 --> 00:29:36,026
- Oh, what is Machu--
- It's in Peru.
830
00:29:36,126 --> 00:29:37,161
It's like a--
831
00:29:37,261 --> 00:29:39,296
Oh, and they're near the
pyramids or something--
832
00:29:39,463 --> 00:29:40,831
It's kind of like--
it's not the pyramid.
833
00:29:40,931 --> 00:29:42,633
That's in Egypt, but--
- Oh, OK.
834
00:29:42,733 --> 00:29:43,901
Yeah.
835
00:29:44,001 --> 00:29:45,536
But it is like a civilization
built into a mountain,
836
00:29:45,636 --> 00:29:46,804
but they'll be, like,
at the top of it,
837
00:29:46,904 --> 00:29:48,472
and they're just like,
"I'm Mike," you know?
838
00:29:48,539 --> 00:29:50,474
And it's just like,
sunglasses and--
839
00:29:50,574 --> 00:29:52,276
Like, they're saying
they've climbed this,
840
00:29:52,376 --> 00:29:53,611
and they might climb you?
841
00:29:53,711 --> 00:29:55,379
HASAN MINHAJ: I
think what they're--
842
00:29:55,479 --> 00:29:56,814
well, OK.
- Is that--
843
00:29:56,914 --> 00:29:58,349
- I thought it--
- That could be hot.
844
00:29:58,482 --> 00:29:59,483
That could be hot.
845
00:29:59,550 --> 00:30:01,485
I think it was more
like, I'm well-traveled,
846
00:30:01,585 --> 00:30:02,620
and I'm interesting.
847
00:30:02,720 --> 00:30:03,821
Oh, OK, OK.
848
00:30:03,921 --> 00:30:05,522
Yeah, well, you can
read lots of things.
849
00:30:05,623 --> 00:30:07,024
I mean, I definitely--
when I was on the apps,
850
00:30:07,124 --> 00:30:09,026
I would look at people's
phones and try to, like,
851
00:30:09,126 --> 00:30:10,895
work out things about them.
852
00:30:10,995 --> 00:30:12,630
And if I thought they
were, like, cool--
853
00:30:12,730 --> 00:30:14,164
HASAN MINHAJ: Really?
- Yeah.
854
00:30:14,265 --> 00:30:16,400
Yeah, but sometimes you can
never tell, and some of them
855
00:30:16,500 --> 00:30:17,735
do have a criminal record.
856
00:30:17,835 --> 00:30:20,004
[laughter]
857
00:30:20,104 --> 00:30:21,605
HASAN MINHAJ: How many
criminals have you dated?
858
00:30:21,705 --> 00:30:22,606
A couple.
859
00:30:22,706 --> 00:30:23,974
(LAUGHING) Oh, my god.
860
00:30:24,074 --> 00:30:26,443
I do have the
number of the FBI.
861
00:30:26,510 --> 00:30:27,645
What?
862
00:30:27,745 --> 00:30:30,281
Because they volunteered
to check people out for me.
863
00:30:30,447 --> 00:30:31,548
Yeah.
864
00:30:31,649 --> 00:30:33,550
HASAN MINHAJ: OK, we're
putting Fluid, the app, here.
865
00:30:33,651 --> 00:30:34,551
Wait, what?
866
00:30:34,652 --> 00:30:36,086
Yeah, yeah.
867
00:30:36,186 --> 00:30:38,322
I don't know whether they
do this for all actors,
868
00:30:38,455 --> 00:30:40,758
but they're like,
if you ever want
869
00:30:40,858 --> 00:30:43,928
a background-check
somebody, you let us know
870
00:30:44,028 --> 00:30:45,129
their name and their number.
871
00:30:45,229 --> 00:30:48,933
And so I did.
872
00:30:49,033 --> 00:30:52,136
It turns out that guy had an
assault charge from Chicago.
873
00:30:52,236 --> 00:30:56,507
And yeah, and then-- and
then, I said, how bad is that?
874
00:30:56,607 --> 00:30:57,741
Because he was quite hot.
875
00:30:57,841 --> 00:31:00,244
And then, they
go, oh, I wouldn't
876
00:31:00,344 --> 00:31:01,679
let my daughter date him.
877
00:31:01,779 --> 00:31:03,514
So I said, OK, and I ended it.
878
00:31:03,614 --> 00:31:05,916
So the FBI has
really helped me.
879
00:31:06,016 --> 00:31:06,984
HASAN MINHAJ: OK.
880
00:31:07,084 --> 00:31:10,287
(LAUGHING) I can't
believe I'm saying that.
881
00:31:10,387 --> 00:31:13,190
[applause]
882
00:31:13,290 --> 00:31:14,625
I do love the FBI.
883
00:31:14,725 --> 00:31:16,594
The peaks and
valleys of that story
884
00:31:16,694 --> 00:31:17,995
is kind of like Machu Picchu.
885
00:31:18,095 --> 00:31:19,029
Yeah, OK.
886
00:31:19,129 --> 00:31:20,064
HASAN MINHAJ: OK.
887
00:31:20,164 --> 00:31:22,967
Obviously, you founded
this amazing app.
888
00:31:23,067 --> 00:31:23,968
And--
889
00:31:24,068 --> 00:31:25,202
Not many females in tech.
890
00:31:25,302 --> 00:31:26,203
Yeah.
891
00:31:26,303 --> 00:31:27,438
So I was like,
let me get in there.
892
00:31:27,471 --> 00:31:29,073
It's an amazing--
Yeah, OK.
893
00:31:29,173 --> 00:31:30,674
That's an amazing
accomplishment.
894
00:31:30,774 --> 00:31:34,445
[cheering, applause]
895
00:31:34,545 --> 00:31:36,213
How do you think this
app would have changed
896
00:31:36,313 --> 00:31:38,515
your life five years ago?
897
00:31:38,616 --> 00:31:40,251
Um, I think it would have--
898
00:31:40,351 --> 00:31:41,885
I was someone who, like--
899
00:31:41,986 --> 00:31:44,154
I was kind of dating
guys, but I didn't
900
00:31:44,255 --> 00:31:45,856
think I was 100% straight.
901
00:31:45,956 --> 00:31:48,192
But I just-- I grew up
in a very conservative
902
00:31:48,292 --> 00:31:50,527
Christian background, and
so I never quite explored
903
00:31:50,628 --> 00:31:53,998
that area, whereas the cool
thing with Fluid is, like,
904
00:31:54,098 --> 00:31:56,133
maybe a woman would
have popped up,
905
00:31:56,233 --> 00:31:58,168
and I would have
been like, oh, yeah.
906
00:31:58,269 --> 00:32:00,170
And there's no
judgments to, like, chat
907
00:32:00,271 --> 00:32:02,573
to someone on Fluid, and
you would have just chatted
908
00:32:02,673 --> 00:32:04,808
to them, and maybe I
would have, like, gotten
909
00:32:04,909 --> 00:32:07,177
to know somebody quicker.
910
00:32:07,278 --> 00:32:10,014
Yeah, so I kind of wish
it was around earlier,
911
00:32:10,114 --> 00:32:12,483
and that's why I wanted
to make it and put it
912
00:32:12,583 --> 00:32:13,951
out there, and have
it be a free app
913
00:32:14,051 --> 00:32:15,252
that people could download.
914
00:32:15,352 --> 00:32:16,720
And hopefully, it will help
lots of people find love.
915
00:32:16,820 --> 00:32:18,322
And you could be, like,
totally straight on it.
916
00:32:18,489 --> 00:32:19,690
You could be gay.
917
00:32:19,790 --> 00:32:22,059
You could be, like, in any of
the intersectional queerness
918
00:32:22,159 --> 00:32:24,495
that's out there, and
find love on this.
919
00:32:24,562 --> 00:32:26,931
And it actually just
widens the dating pool.
920
00:32:27,031 --> 00:32:28,499
And sure, some people
you won't be interested
921
00:32:28,599 --> 00:32:31,535
in, and then the algorithm
will learn not to send
922
00:32:31,635 --> 00:32:32,636
you too many of those people.
923
00:32:32,736 --> 00:32:34,505
But they might show
you a wild card.
924
00:32:34,605 --> 00:32:37,241
It's like when you're shopping
for, like, a cheesecake,
925
00:32:37,341 --> 00:32:39,677
and you might not know what
flavor you want until you
926
00:32:39,777 --> 00:32:41,278
see it in front of you.
HASAN MINHAJ: Right.
927
00:32:41,445 --> 00:32:42,646
And then, yeah--
928
00:32:42,746 --> 00:32:44,448
[cheering, applause]
929
00:32:44,515 --> 00:32:45,950
And you're like, oh, yeah--
930
00:32:46,050 --> 00:32:46,951
That's amazing.
931
00:32:47,051 --> 00:32:48,085
That's tasty.
932
00:32:48,185 --> 00:32:50,454
Everyone, please
be sure to check
933
00:32:50,554 --> 00:32:51,855
out the Fluid dating app.
934
00:32:51,956 --> 00:32:53,591
Rebel Wilson,
thank you so much.
935
00:32:53,691 --> 00:32:56,660
Thank you.
936
00:32:56,760 --> 00:32:58,229
OK.
937
00:32:58,329 --> 00:33:00,864
We're gonna take a
quick break, but we'll
938
00:33:00,965 --> 00:33:02,833
be right back after this.
939
00:33:02,933 --> 00:33:03,834
Rebel Wilson!
940
00:33:03,934 --> 00:33:07,605
[cheering, applause]
941
00:33:15,049 --> 00:33:19,554
[applause]
942
00:33:19,654 --> 00:33:21,489
That's our show for tonight.
943
00:33:21,589 --> 00:33:23,191
But before we go,
please consider
944
00:33:23,291 --> 00:33:25,193
supporting Vituity Cares.
945
00:33:25,293 --> 00:33:26,627
They're an organization
that fights
946
00:33:26,727 --> 00:33:28,763
health inequality by
caring for our most
947
00:33:28,863 --> 00:33:29,997
vulnerable communities.
948
00:33:30,098 --> 00:33:31,566
If you want to
support their work,
949
00:33:31,666 --> 00:33:33,835
please donate at
the link below.
950
00:33:33,935 --> 00:33:36,737
Now here it is,
your moment of zen.
951
00:33:36,838 --> 00:33:39,307
Every once in a while, a
revolutionary product comes
952
00:33:39,407 --> 00:33:41,509
along that changes everything.
953
00:33:41,609 --> 00:33:43,277
NARRATOR 1: The greatest
advance in television
954
00:33:43,377 --> 00:33:45,313
since color television itself.
955
00:33:45,413 --> 00:33:46,981
NARRATOR 2: Microwave
cooking units
956
00:33:47,081 --> 00:33:48,583
are indeed revolutionary.
957
00:33:48,683 --> 00:33:52,153
NARRATOR 3: Sony Walkman is
a tiny stereo cassette player
958
00:33:52,253 --> 00:33:54,422
with truly incredible sound.
959
00:33:54,522 --> 00:33:56,791
NARRATOR 4: Everything you
ever thought possible and
960
00:33:56,891 --> 00:33:58,793
impossible in a home computer.
961
00:33:58,893 --> 00:34:00,661
Why is everyone so
excited about Motorola
962
00:34:00,762 --> 00:34:01,763
StarTAC cellular phone?
963
00:34:01,863 --> 00:34:03,464
I can't even see the battery.
964
00:34:03,564 --> 00:34:05,433
What other phone can
you wear like this?
965
00:34:05,533 --> 00:34:07,468
(SINGING) MTV.