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NARRATOR: From New York City,
the only city in America,
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it's the show that
invented news.
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This is The Daily Show with
your host Hasan Minhaj.
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[theme music]
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Welcome to The Daily Show.
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I'm your host, Hasan Minhaj.
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Nice to see you.
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Yes.
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Settle in.
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Listen.
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It's night three for
me behind the desk.
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And I got to say,
it's been so great
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this week catching up with old
friends and also Ronny Chieng.
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But we've got a great
show for you tonight.
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So let's get into headlines.
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[music playing]
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Let's start off
with McDonald's,
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the only thing that's invaded
more countries than America.
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MALE REPORTER: Some McDonald's
franchisees are pushing back
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against a new corporate
ad campaign called Famous
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Orders, which lets famous
people like Cardi B
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create new menu items.
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Some restaurant owners worry
the Cardi B promotion is not
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compatible with McDonald's
decades-long history
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as a family-friendly
restaurant.
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One franchisee in San
Jose who's participating
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said the fact that we
can't talk about the song
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that we're objecting to because
we can't use the title--
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Says something.
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--says something.
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Whoa, whoa, hold on.
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[laughter]
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Do these guys have
a problem with WAP?
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Because you know every burger
comes with wet ass pickles.
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This is a normal thing.
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Don't take the
moral high ground.
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Not to mention, Mickey D's, one
of your mascots is a burglar,
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and the other one is
a purple butt plug.
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And you're worried
about Cardi B?
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All right, let's move on
to our big story tonight,
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the train derailment
in Palestine.
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Yeah, sad.
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Very sad.
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But today, a bipartisan
group of senators
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introduced safety
legislation to, you know,
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actually try to
solve the problem.
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Which is so refreshing because
for the past three weeks,
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all we've heard is
pundits and politicians
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playing the blame game.
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But where's President Biden?
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Instead of going to
Ohio, President Biden
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is heading home to
Delaware to relax
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after his big Ukraine trip.
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We're here because of
all of the deregulation
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of the train industry during
the Trump administration.
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Joe Biden will
probably never visit.
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You know, he doesn't seem to
care what's happening in Ohio.
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Pete Buttigieg is a disgrace.
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It was him.
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It was Donald Trump
and his administration.
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I think the people
in East Palestine,
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Ohio should put Ukraine
flags in their yard,
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and maybe Biden
would pay attention.
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OK, all of you shut up.
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Wait.
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This feels like watching your
parents fight in the kitchen,
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and they're both being
idiots for different reasons.
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Listen.
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Republicans, listen to me.
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You guys love deregulation.
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But, suddenly, you now
care about rail safety?
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A little ironic.
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Also, you really think Joe
Biden taking a tragedy selfie
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would make the
situation any better?
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Democrats, listen to me.
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As of now, March 1, there
is zero indication that
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Trump's policies caused
this whole derailment,
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so you cannot touchdown dance.
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But, also, what the
[bleep] are you guys doing?
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How do you fumble the
optics game every time?
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Why didn't you send Joe Biden
to take a tragedy selfie?
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Even a moron like Donald
Trump managed to do it.
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Trump pulled up to McDonald's
and started handing
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out hats and Happy Meals.
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Democrats, you
waited three weeks,
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and you sent Pete Buttigieg
dressed like Bob the Builder?
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He's the 12th man
on your depth chart.
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Send Kamala.
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What the [bleep]
is Kamala doing?
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We want to see her
just for proof of life.
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Kamala, take an Instagram
reel of you feeding
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an Appalachian kid, OK?
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Easy.
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Now here's the real issue.
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Nobody should be trying to
win a train derailment, OK?
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We had about five
seconds of empathy
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before this whole
thing turned into
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another partisan prizefight.
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It's almost like
everyone in politics
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and the media said, hey, how
will people have empathy if we
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don't tell them who to blame?
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You know, you don't
always have to find
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a villain because the
truth is much like me.
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It's not always
black and white.
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For more on the partisan
fallout from train derailment,
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let's turn to Dulce Sloan.
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Dulce.
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[cheering]
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Listen.
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Hi.
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Hi.
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Dulce-- Dulce Sloan.
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[applause]
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They love you.
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Sup, loser?
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Hi, friend.
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Yeah.
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But don't you think the whole
blame game is just terrible?
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Actually, I don't think
it's gone far enough.
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There's a lot more
blame to go around.
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People are blaming
Democrats and Republicans,
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but we're not blaming
the real villain.
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You're so right.
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It's our own inability
to empathize.
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No, dumb dumb.
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We've got to blame
these trains.
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HASAN MINHAJ: Wait, what?
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Thomas and the rest
of them mother [bleep]..
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[laughter, applause]
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So Thomas the tank--
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We don't need them.
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Listen, a train is just a
bus that goes less places.
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And they don't even look good.
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It's just a bunch
of little cars
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sniffing each other's butts.
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[laughter]
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That is a horrifying image.
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Absolutely, yeah.
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But you can't just
blame trains as a whole.
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Yes, I can.
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I also blame the
inventor, British
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engineer George Stephenson.
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You think you can
get away with this?
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Inventing the
locomotive in 1804.
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No, sir, OK?
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We are digging your ass
up and kicking it all
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over the cemetery, all right?
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Revenge for Ohio.
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Revenge!
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No, no, no, wait.
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[screaming]
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No, what is going on?
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Dulce, you are reaching here
to find anyone to blame.
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You getting awfully
defensive, Hasan.
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No, I'm not.
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Maybe you had something
to do with this.
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Where were you
when the derailment
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happened, Mr. Minhaj?
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[laughter]
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I was doing comedy.
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Doing comedy.
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Uh-huh.
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You were somewhere making
people laugh with the ha has
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and the joke jokes?
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Can you believe this man?
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He was making jokes at a
time of national tragedy.
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How dare you?
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What the hell?
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Is that why you came here?
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Hasan, don't be shy.
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What?
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Listen, I want everybody to
acknowledge this brown man.
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Oh, my god.
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This Muslim man.
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This brown, Muslim man is
responsible for that train
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jumping off the tracks
like a hot potato.
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No, I'm not.
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Yes, he is.
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Everyone, boo Hasan.
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Come on.
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What is going-- what
the-- what are you doing?
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Stop it.
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Boo!
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Did you DM Ronny?
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Stop it. stop.
Stop it.
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You're doing the-- you're
doing this right now.
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You're getting
everybody worked up.
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This is how the
whole thing works.
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- Yes.
- The media machine.
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You're smelling blood.
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And you're getting them
to [bleep] pounce on me.
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Boo.
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Yeah.
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Why are you doing this?
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Because blaming feels great.
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It's the best way to
solve any problem.
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See, when you
blame someone, you
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don't have to take any action.
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There's no need to reflect.
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You simply ask the
question, who's responsible?
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Whose fault is this?
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And it doesn't matter who it is
because the important thing is
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it ain't me.
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[laughter, applause]
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So, Hasan, apologize.
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Don't you want
Hasan to apologize?
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[cheering]
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Apologize to the good
people, the American people
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about derailing
a train in Ohio.
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OK.
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America, I'm sorry for being
responsible for the train
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derailment in East Palestine.
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[laughter]
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I don't know.
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It felt forced.
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00:09:00,741 --> 00:09:01,642
It felt forced.
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00:09:01,742 --> 00:09:02,776
It was forced.
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And that's the
problem because you--
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you need to take
responsibility.
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00:09:07,614 --> 00:09:08,715
OK, you know what?
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Thank you so much, Dulce.
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Fine.
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I take responsibility.
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All right, when
we come back, I'm
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going to finally solve
my Twitter addiction,
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so don't go away.
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Dulce Sloan, everyone.
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[applause]
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[applause]
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Welcome back to
The Daily Show.
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Tonight, I want
to share something
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that's been on my mind.
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Let me ask you guys a question.
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Who here is on Twitter?
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[cheering]
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00:09:53,170 --> 00:09:57,541
OK, I-- that's too many people.
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The guy-- the guy who said
no, that's a normal person
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right there.
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I trust you.
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Now, by now, you probably
know Elon Musk recently bought
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Twitter for $44 billion.
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Yeah.
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And since Elon's takeover,
all I see on Twitter
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is Twitter sucks.
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We should leave Twitter.
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Elon ruined Twitter.
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But here's the thing, guys.
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Elon didn't make
Twitter terrible.
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Twitter has been terrible
for years because of us.
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No, you can't dunk on Elon.
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It's us.
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Twitter is the shittiest
platform on planet Earth.
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It's worse than Tinder.
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And Tinder gives you
genital herpes, OK?
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00:10:44,087 --> 00:10:48,925
But as bad as it gets,
no one ever leaves.
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00:10:49,026 --> 00:10:52,429
Oh, but, Hasan, I
can't leave Twitter.
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It's the digital town square.
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No, it's not.
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Twitter is not a town square.
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It's Times Square.
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00:11:03,173 --> 00:11:05,375
Have you been to Times Square?
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00:11:05,542 --> 00:11:08,011
It's [bleep] terrifying.
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00:11:08,111 --> 00:11:11,982
You got the M&M store, Mexican
Elmo, a guy masturbating,
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00:11:12,082 --> 00:11:14,051
ads for DraftKings.com.
265
00:11:14,151 --> 00:11:17,554
I'm like, can someone just stab
me in the eye and take me out
266
00:11:17,587 --> 00:11:19,222
of this hell?
267
00:11:19,323 --> 00:11:24,127
Oh, but, Hasan, we have to
be a part of the discourse.
268
00:11:24,227 --> 00:11:25,462
This is a place for discourse.
269
00:11:25,562 --> 00:11:26,863
Fine.
270
00:11:26,964 --> 00:11:29,199
Let's talk about the discourse.
271
00:11:29,299 --> 00:11:35,072
Has Twitter ever changed
anyone's mind on anything?
272
00:11:35,172 --> 00:11:38,675
Is someone like,
you know, I used
273
00:11:38,775 --> 00:11:41,511
to think canceling student
debt was a bad idea,
274
00:11:41,578 --> 00:11:45,115
but it makes a lot more
sense with hand clap emojis.
275
00:11:45,215 --> 00:11:47,584
[laughter]
276
00:11:47,684 --> 00:11:50,020
Oh-- oh, you think
we're going to convince
277
00:11:50,120 --> 00:11:55,058
Florida's government to stop
banning books with a thread?
278
00:11:55,158 --> 00:11:57,527
Here's a thread.
279
00:11:57,628 --> 00:11:59,596
They've already made
it pretty clear they're
280
00:11:59,696 --> 00:12:01,098
not big on reading.
281
00:12:01,198 --> 00:12:03,000
But, Hasan.
282
00:12:03,100 --> 00:12:06,937
Hasan, no, no, I
can't leave Twitter.
283
00:12:07,037 --> 00:12:08,538
Everybody's on Twitter.
284
00:12:08,639 --> 00:12:10,707
No, they're not.
285
00:12:10,807 --> 00:12:15,345
Only a small minority of
dorks even use Twitter.
286
00:12:15,445 --> 00:12:18,115
Yeah, by the way-- by the way.
287
00:12:18,215 --> 00:12:23,787
And only 10% of those dorks
create 80% of the content.
288
00:12:23,887 --> 00:12:26,089
It's a minority of a minority.
289
00:12:26,189 --> 00:12:28,792
There are more country
music stars named
290
00:12:28,892 --> 00:12:33,563
Luke than people who tweet.
291
00:12:33,664 --> 00:12:38,201
It just feels like everyone's
on it because the news
292
00:12:38,302 --> 00:12:39,503
media is on it.
293
00:12:39,569 --> 00:12:42,105
So journalists see three
people tweet about something,
294
00:12:42,205 --> 00:12:44,408
and they're like, everybody's
talking about this.
295
00:12:44,508 --> 00:12:46,643
Who the [bleep] is everybody?
296
00:12:46,743 --> 00:12:50,147
Ballsack79 is everybody?
297
00:12:50,247 --> 00:12:51,348
But they go, quote tweet.
298
00:12:51,515 --> 00:12:53,116
Quote tweet.
Quote tweet.
299
00:12:53,216 --> 00:12:54,284
This.
300
00:12:54,384 --> 00:12:55,519
This.
301
00:12:55,585 --> 00:12:56,520
This.
302
00:12:56,586 --> 00:12:57,654
But this was nothing.
303
00:12:57,754 --> 00:12:58,989
This was not discourse.
304
00:12:59,089 --> 00:13:01,525
This was three people.
305
00:13:01,625 --> 00:13:03,727
OK, now-- now to
the people that
306
00:13:03,827 --> 00:13:05,429
gave it up that were
like, I use Twitter,
307
00:13:05,529 --> 00:13:06,663
I will give you this.
308
00:13:06,763 --> 00:13:08,532
I'll give you this.
309
00:13:08,565 --> 00:13:13,337
Twitter has been helpful for
boosting the MeToo movement
310
00:13:13,437 --> 00:13:15,238
and spotlighting
police brutality,
311
00:13:15,339 --> 00:13:20,877
but it has to be used
in dire circumstances.
312
00:13:20,978 --> 00:13:23,547
That should be the
captcha for Twitter.
313
00:13:23,614 --> 00:13:25,182
When you log in,
it shouldn't ask
314
00:13:25,282 --> 00:13:27,484
you to pick three stoplights.
315
00:13:27,517 --> 00:13:31,722
It should ask you, are you
reporting a natural disaster,
316
00:13:31,822 --> 00:13:34,191
an authoritarian
government, whistleblowing,
317
00:13:34,291 --> 00:13:38,595
harassment by the police, or
are you defending Beyoncé?
318
00:13:38,695 --> 00:13:44,234
Then and only then
should you get to tweet.
319
00:13:44,334 --> 00:13:49,039
Outside of that,
what the [bleep] is
320
00:13:49,139 --> 00:13:51,842
the upside of anyone tweeting?
321
00:13:51,942 --> 00:13:53,143
Why should I tweet?
322
00:13:53,243 --> 00:13:55,712
Why should you tweet?
323
00:13:55,812 --> 00:13:56,847
Think of the process.
324
00:13:56,947 --> 00:13:59,850
You share your opinion,
you argue with people,
325
00:13:59,950 --> 00:14:03,820
and then potentially
lose your job.
326
00:14:03,920 --> 00:14:06,256
That's if you're a
civilian or a celebrity.
327
00:14:06,356 --> 00:14:09,259
It's a platform
with no dialogue,
328
00:14:09,359 --> 00:14:12,029
no grace, no forgiveness.
329
00:14:12,129 --> 00:14:15,966
It's all ISIS
beheadings and clout.
330
00:14:16,066 --> 00:14:19,670
And the only thing worse
than Twitter's features
331
00:14:19,770 --> 00:14:21,905
are its users.
332
00:14:22,005 --> 00:14:23,640
Not the lurkers.
333
00:14:23,740 --> 00:14:26,576
Lurkers, we're normal.
334
00:14:26,677 --> 00:14:29,947
I'm talking about the power
users flooding your timeline.
335
00:14:30,047 --> 00:14:34,084
The amount these psychos
tweet is on another level.
336
00:14:34,184 --> 00:14:40,824
George Takei has tweeted
103,000 times since he joined.
337
00:14:40,924 --> 00:14:45,028
That comes out to
23 tweets a day.
338
00:14:45,128 --> 00:14:48,532
George, you can have
opinions, but I shouldn't be
339
00:14:48,632 --> 00:14:51,368
able to set my watch to them.
340
00:14:51,501 --> 00:14:56,707
Dude, Mike Cernovich has
tweeted 200,000 times.
341
00:14:56,807 --> 00:15:00,377
That's 48 tweets a day.
342
00:15:00,510 --> 00:15:05,248
How the [bleep] do you
have that many opinions?
343
00:15:05,349 --> 00:15:09,653
I'm a guy and I only
have two opinions.
344
00:15:09,753 --> 00:15:12,756
I love the Sacramento
Kings and, real talk,
345
00:15:12,856 --> 00:15:14,224
Chipotle has kind
of fallen off.
346
00:15:14,324 --> 00:15:16,026
That's it.
347
00:15:16,126 --> 00:15:17,794
Wajahat Ali.
348
00:15:17,894 --> 00:15:19,963
He's a friend of mine and a
writer for the New York Times.
349
00:15:20,063 --> 00:15:20,964
Brag.
350
00:15:21,064 --> 00:15:25,936
Waj has tweeted 185,200 times.
351
00:15:26,036 --> 00:15:30,774
Waj, I have a message
from your family.
352
00:15:30,874 --> 00:15:32,809
We miss you, Dad.
353
00:15:32,909 --> 00:15:35,078
Look up.
354
00:15:35,178 --> 00:15:39,016
I don't care what side
of the aisle you're on.
355
00:15:39,116 --> 00:15:42,486
Put the crack pipe
down and leave Twitter
356
00:15:42,552 --> 00:15:44,154
like you said you would.
357
00:15:44,254 --> 00:15:48,492
What happened to the mass
exodus when Elon took over?
358
00:15:48,592 --> 00:15:51,395
I thought all you guys were
going to Twitter Canada.
359
00:15:51,495 --> 00:15:52,796
Mastodon.
360
00:15:52,896 --> 00:15:55,098
Find me on Mastodon.
361
00:15:55,198 --> 00:15:59,303
You can catch me on Mastodon,
you [bleep] cowards.
362
00:15:59,403 --> 00:16:01,872
And for the people who
still think it has value,
363
00:16:01,972 --> 00:16:02,873
you're wrong.
364
00:16:02,973 --> 00:16:04,374
You know this deep down.
365
00:16:04,508 --> 00:16:06,276
You [bleep] feel it here.
366
00:16:06,376 --> 00:16:09,379
You bitch about Elon all the
time, but you won't quit.
367
00:16:09,513 --> 00:16:11,348
You don't even
have the willpower
368
00:16:11,515 --> 00:16:13,150
to live up to your own values.
369
00:16:13,250 --> 00:16:15,819
You don't give a [bleep]
about your values.
370
00:16:15,919 --> 00:16:17,654
You don't give a [bleep].
371
00:16:17,754 --> 00:16:22,092
You care more about your
brand than progress.
372
00:16:22,192 --> 00:16:24,962
You don't want to
write on Twitter.
373
00:16:25,062 --> 00:16:27,197
You want to write
on Succession,
374
00:16:27,297 --> 00:16:29,900
but you're not talented enough
to write for Succession,
375
00:16:30,000 --> 00:16:31,034
and neither am I.
376
00:16:31,134 --> 00:16:32,669
I want out of the media grip.
377
00:16:32,769 --> 00:16:33,804
Do you understand?
378
00:16:33,904 --> 00:16:35,339
I want my mind back.
379
00:16:35,472 --> 00:16:37,240
I [bleep] hate this place.
380
00:16:37,341 --> 00:16:38,809
I hate Twitter.
381
00:16:38,909 --> 00:16:40,110
I want out.
382
00:16:40,210 --> 00:16:41,912
I want out.
383
00:16:42,012 --> 00:16:43,680
Give me my mind back.
384
00:16:43,780 --> 00:16:46,850
Free my mind from [bleep]
Yashar Ali's tweets.
385
00:16:46,950 --> 00:16:48,251
Please.
- Help!
386
00:16:48,352 --> 00:16:49,686
Help!
387
00:16:49,786 --> 00:16:51,121
What am I doing?
388
00:16:51,221 --> 00:16:52,723
What am I doing?
389
00:16:52,823 --> 00:16:54,858
My daughter is here.
390
00:16:54,958 --> 00:16:58,695
What am I doing?
391
00:16:58,795 --> 00:17:00,831
Oh, my god.
392
00:17:00,931 --> 00:17:07,070
I'm the living
embodiment of Twitter.
393
00:17:07,170 --> 00:17:08,939
I'm judging other
people without changing
394
00:17:09,039 --> 00:17:12,943
anything about myself.
395
00:17:13,043 --> 00:17:15,312
Let me channel the fake
Gandhi quote I saw on Twitter.
396
00:17:15,412 --> 00:17:19,283
[laughter]
397
00:17:19,383 --> 00:17:22,986
Maybe I need to be the change
I wish to see in the world.
398
00:17:23,086 --> 00:17:23,987
[bleep] this.
399
00:17:24,087 --> 00:17:25,422
I'm leaving Twitter.
400
00:17:25,522 --> 00:17:27,057
I'm leaving Twitter.
401
00:17:27,157 --> 00:17:29,326
I'm leaving this
hellscape right now.
402
00:17:29,459 --> 00:17:30,927
Let's do this right now.
403
00:17:31,028 --> 00:17:32,129
You think I'm lying?
I'm doing this.
404
00:17:32,229 --> 00:17:33,497
This is real.
405
00:17:33,597 --> 00:17:34,498
This is real.
406
00:17:34,598 --> 00:17:36,166
And just like
everybody on Twitter,
407
00:17:36,266 --> 00:17:37,868
I'm making a long, annoying
announcement about it
408
00:17:37,968 --> 00:17:38,869
right here.
409
00:17:38,969 --> 00:17:39,870
You got that?
410
00:17:39,970 --> 00:17:40,971
Yeah, let's do it.
411
00:17:41,071 --> 00:17:41,972
[bleep] yeah.
412
00:17:42,072 --> 00:17:44,308
Let's get the
[bleep] out of here.
413
00:17:44,474 --> 00:17:45,509
Deactivate.
414
00:17:45,609 --> 00:17:46,843
Yes, deactivate.
415
00:17:46,944 --> 00:17:49,146
Goodbye.
416
00:17:49,246 --> 00:17:50,747
I'm gone.
417
00:17:50,847 --> 00:17:53,684
I'm gone.
418
00:17:53,784 --> 00:17:55,619
I'm free.
419
00:17:55,719 --> 00:17:59,656
I'm free.
420
00:17:59,756 --> 00:18:02,859
I'm free.
421
00:18:02,960 --> 00:18:03,860
I'm free.
422
00:18:03,961 --> 00:18:10,968
[cheering, applause]
423
00:18:20,644 --> 00:18:23,513
So what do I do now?
424
00:18:23,614 --> 00:18:25,349
I guess I can actually
go to the town square
425
00:18:25,515 --> 00:18:32,222
and meet people in real
life, hang out with my wife,
426
00:18:32,322 --> 00:18:36,727
kiss my children, you
know, touch grass.
427
00:18:36,827 --> 00:18:39,029
It's a big world out there.
428
00:18:39,129 --> 00:18:41,331
And I want to live in it.
429
00:18:41,465 --> 00:18:44,067
We had a fun ride, trolls
and bad faith actors.
430
00:18:44,167 --> 00:18:47,471
Oh, and by the way, if
you hate this on Twitter,
431
00:18:47,537 --> 00:18:51,975
I could give a [bleep]
because I'm not there.
432
00:18:52,075 --> 00:18:55,112
Join me in the real world.
433
00:18:55,212 --> 00:19:00,484
And, hey, in case I don't
see you, good afternoon,
434
00:19:00,517 --> 00:19:02,319
good evening, and good night.
435
00:19:02,486 --> 00:19:05,489
[cheering, applause]
436
00:19:15,098 --> 00:19:17,200
[cheering]
437
00:19:17,300 --> 00:19:19,970
Thank you.
438
00:19:20,070 --> 00:19:22,439
Welcome back to The Daily Show.
439
00:19:22,539 --> 00:19:26,276
My guest tonight had to
cancel at the last minute.
440
00:19:26,376 --> 00:19:28,645
But that's OK
because it allows me
441
00:19:28,745 --> 00:19:30,881
to bring out one of my
favorite human beings
442
00:19:30,981 --> 00:19:32,549
in the entire world.
443
00:19:32,649 --> 00:19:36,419
It's her birthday, so please
give it up for my daughter.
444
00:19:36,520 --> 00:19:43,527
[cheering]
445
00:19:54,137 --> 00:19:55,205
How old are you?
446
00:19:55,305 --> 00:19:56,206
Five.
447
00:19:56,306 --> 00:19:58,208
Really?
448
00:19:58,308 --> 00:19:59,442
Oh, man.
449
00:19:59,543 --> 00:20:01,044
How does it feel to be five?
450
00:20:01,144 --> 00:20:02,045
Good.
451
00:20:02,145 --> 00:20:03,914
Yeah?
452
00:20:04,014 --> 00:20:09,619
Let me ask you a question.
453
00:20:09,719 --> 00:20:11,321
How old is your brother?
454
00:20:11,421 --> 00:20:12,622
Three.
455
00:20:12,722 --> 00:20:15,125
Do you like him?
456
00:20:15,225 --> 00:20:17,427
Yes.
457
00:20:17,527 --> 00:20:18,795
What's he like?
458
00:20:18,895 --> 00:20:19,996
He likes me.
459
00:20:20,096 --> 00:20:21,097
Really?
460
00:20:21,198 --> 00:20:22,098
He likes you?
461
00:20:22,199 --> 00:20:23,533
Yes.
462
00:20:23,700 --> 00:20:24,568
Are you a good big sister?
463
00:20:24,701 --> 00:20:26,837
Yes.
464
00:20:26,937 --> 00:20:28,238
What's your favorite color?
465
00:20:28,338 --> 00:20:30,073
Pink and purple.
466
00:20:30,173 --> 00:20:31,074
OK.
467
00:20:31,174 --> 00:20:33,443
[cheering]
468
00:20:33,543 --> 00:20:39,349
What's your favorite book?
469
00:20:39,449 --> 00:20:41,084
Little Babaji.
470
00:20:41,184 --> 00:20:42,552
Little Babaji?
471
00:20:42,719 --> 00:20:44,554
[laughs] OK.
472
00:20:44,721 --> 00:20:47,424
OK.
473
00:20:47,524 --> 00:20:49,960
I've never asked you this.
474
00:20:50,060 --> 00:20:55,799
But what does daddy do?
475
00:20:55,899 --> 00:20:57,067
Work.
476
00:20:57,167 --> 00:20:58,902
Work?
477
00:20:59,002 --> 00:21:01,538
No, but what is my work?
478
00:21:01,638 --> 00:21:02,739
Hmm.
479
00:21:02,806 --> 00:21:04,374
- It's what?
- Kiki?
480
00:21:04,474 --> 00:21:05,375
It's Kiki?
481
00:21:05,475 --> 00:21:08,378
[laughs] OK.
482
00:21:08,478 --> 00:21:13,216
Everyone, I rarely
get to do this.
483
00:21:13,316 --> 00:21:14,918
I'm only here for a week.
484
00:21:15,018 --> 00:21:17,254
But I think we should
all sing baby girl
485
00:21:17,354 --> 00:21:18,855
happy birthday since this
is her birthday today.
486
00:21:18,955 --> 00:21:20,190
[cheering]
487
00:21:20,290 --> 00:21:21,258
Should we do this?
488
00:21:21,358 --> 00:21:22,692
All right, here we go.
489
00:21:22,726 --> 00:21:25,495
3, 2, 1.
490
00:21:25,595 --> 00:21:30,133
(SINGING) Happy
birthday to you.
491
00:21:30,233 --> 00:21:34,271
Happy birthday to you.
492
00:21:34,371 --> 00:21:39,276
Happy birthday dear baby girl.
493
00:21:39,376 --> 00:21:42,579
Happy birthday to you.
494
00:21:42,712 --> 00:21:43,580
Happy birthday.
495
00:21:43,713 --> 00:21:50,720
[cheering]
496
00:21:53,857 --> 00:21:55,225
OK.
497
00:21:55,325 --> 00:21:56,526
We're going to
take a quick break.
498
00:21:56,626 --> 00:21:58,061
We'll be right back after this.
499
00:21:58,161 --> 00:22:01,498
[cheering]
500
00:22:16,282 --> 00:22:20,753
Well, that's it
for our show tonight.
501
00:22:20,853 --> 00:22:23,722
Do you have something to say?
502
00:22:23,822 --> 00:22:25,591
(WHISPERING) Here's
your Moment of Zen.
503
00:22:25,691 --> 00:22:27,359
Your Moment of Zen.
504
00:22:27,459 --> 00:22:28,961
[cheering]
505
00:22:29,061 --> 00:22:31,096
Eighth graders'
math proficiency
506
00:22:31,196 --> 00:22:33,032
dropped by 7 points.
507
00:22:33,132 --> 00:22:35,734
Reading levels
dropped by 2 points.
508
00:22:35,834 --> 00:22:37,503
Here's what is shocking to me.
509
00:22:37,603 --> 00:22:42,141
There are 1,000,524--
510
00:22:42,241 --> 00:22:48,047
524 and 481-- this is over
1 million, 1.5 million--
511
00:22:48,147 --> 00:22:49,682
ANNOUNCER: MTV.