1 00:00:01,435 --> 00:00:04,338 NARRATOR: From New York City, the only city in America, 2 00:00:04,438 --> 00:00:07,407 it's the show that invented news. 3 00:00:07,508 --> 00:00:12,079 This is The Daily Show with your host Hasan Minhaj. 4 00:00:12,179 --> 00:00:19,186 [theme music] 5 00:00:28,061 --> 00:00:30,931 Welcome to The Daily Show. 6 00:00:31,031 --> 00:00:33,233 I'm your host, Hasan Minhaj. 7 00:00:33,333 --> 00:00:34,368 Nice to see you. 8 00:00:34,468 --> 00:00:35,369 Yes. 9 00:00:35,469 --> 00:00:36,370 Settle in. 10 00:00:36,470 --> 00:00:37,571 Listen. 11 00:00:37,671 --> 00:00:40,073 It's night three for me behind the desk. 12 00:00:40,174 --> 00:00:43,076 And I got to say, it's been so great 13 00:00:43,177 --> 00:00:48,315 this week catching up with old friends and also Ronny Chieng. 14 00:00:48,415 --> 00:00:50,951 But we've got a great show for you tonight. 15 00:00:51,051 --> 00:00:52,653 So let's get into headlines. 16 00:00:52,753 --> 00:00:56,390 [music playing] 17 00:00:56,490 --> 00:00:58,225 Let's start off with McDonald's, 18 00:00:58,325 --> 00:01:01,628 the only thing that's invaded more countries than America. 19 00:01:01,728 --> 00:01:03,964 MALE REPORTER: Some McDonald's franchisees are pushing back 20 00:01:04,064 --> 00:01:06,934 against a new corporate ad campaign called Famous 21 00:01:07,067 --> 00:01:10,637 Orders, which lets famous people like Cardi B 22 00:01:10,737 --> 00:01:12,139 create new menu items. 23 00:01:12,239 --> 00:01:15,075 Some restaurant owners worry the Cardi B promotion is not 24 00:01:15,175 --> 00:01:18,078 compatible with McDonald's decades-long history 25 00:01:18,178 --> 00:01:20,147 as a family-friendly restaurant. 26 00:01:20,247 --> 00:01:24,084 One franchisee in San Jose who's participating 27 00:01:24,151 --> 00:01:26,520 said the fact that we can't talk about the song 28 00:01:26,620 --> 00:01:29,189 that we're objecting to because we can't use the title-- 29 00:01:29,289 --> 00:01:30,190 Says something. 30 00:01:30,290 --> 00:01:31,291 --says something. 31 00:01:31,391 --> 00:01:32,526 Whoa, whoa, hold on. 32 00:01:32,626 --> 00:01:35,596 [laughter] 33 00:01:35,696 --> 00:01:40,133 Do these guys have a problem with WAP? 34 00:01:40,234 --> 00:01:43,904 Because you know every burger comes with wet ass pickles. 35 00:01:44,004 --> 00:01:45,005 This is a normal thing. 36 00:01:45,105 --> 00:01:46,773 Don't take the moral high ground. 37 00:01:46,874 --> 00:01:50,677 Not to mention, Mickey D's, one of your mascots is a burglar, 38 00:01:50,777 --> 00:01:54,915 and the other one is a purple butt plug. 39 00:01:55,015 --> 00:01:58,485 And you're worried about Cardi B? 40 00:01:58,585 --> 00:02:02,623 All right, let's move on to our big story tonight, 41 00:02:02,723 --> 00:02:05,726 the train derailment in Palestine. 42 00:02:05,826 --> 00:02:06,760 Yeah, sad. 43 00:02:06,860 --> 00:02:07,828 Very sad. 44 00:02:07,928 --> 00:02:10,397 But today, a bipartisan group of senators 45 00:02:10,497 --> 00:02:13,934 introduced safety legislation to, you know, 46 00:02:14,067 --> 00:02:15,836 actually try to solve the problem. 47 00:02:15,936 --> 00:02:19,640 Which is so refreshing because for the past three weeks, 48 00:02:19,740 --> 00:02:22,476 all we've heard is pundits and politicians 49 00:02:22,576 --> 00:02:23,977 playing the blame game. 50 00:02:24,077 --> 00:02:25,746 But where's President Biden? 51 00:02:25,846 --> 00:02:28,282 Instead of going to Ohio, President Biden 52 00:02:28,382 --> 00:02:30,984 is heading home to Delaware to relax 53 00:02:31,084 --> 00:02:32,719 after his big Ukraine trip. 54 00:02:32,819 --> 00:02:35,322 We're here because of all of the deregulation 55 00:02:35,422 --> 00:02:38,892 of the train industry during the Trump administration. 56 00:02:38,992 --> 00:02:40,861 Joe Biden will probably never visit. 57 00:02:40,961 --> 00:02:43,964 You know, he doesn't seem to care what's happening in Ohio. 58 00:02:44,097 --> 00:02:46,366 Pete Buttigieg is a disgrace. 59 00:02:46,466 --> 00:02:47,467 It was him. 60 00:02:47,568 --> 00:02:49,102 It was Donald Trump and his administration. 61 00:02:49,203 --> 00:02:51,004 I think the people in East Palestine, 62 00:02:51,104 --> 00:02:53,807 Ohio should put Ukraine flags in their yard, 63 00:02:53,907 --> 00:02:55,509 and maybe Biden would pay attention. 64 00:02:55,609 --> 00:02:57,110 OK, all of you shut up. 65 00:02:57,177 --> 00:02:58,478 Wait. 66 00:02:58,579 --> 00:03:00,514 This feels like watching your parents fight in the kitchen, 67 00:03:00,614 --> 00:03:03,417 and they're both being idiots for different reasons. 68 00:03:03,517 --> 00:03:04,418 Listen. 69 00:03:04,518 --> 00:03:06,453 Republicans, listen to me. 70 00:03:06,553 --> 00:03:08,355 You guys love deregulation. 71 00:03:08,455 --> 00:03:10,657 But, suddenly, you now care about rail safety? 72 00:03:10,757 --> 00:03:12,626 A little ironic. 73 00:03:12,726 --> 00:03:16,964 Also, you really think Joe Biden taking a tragedy selfie 74 00:03:17,064 --> 00:03:19,533 would make the situation any better? 75 00:03:19,633 --> 00:03:21,802 Democrats, listen to me. 76 00:03:21,902 --> 00:03:25,072 As of now, March 1, there is zero indication that 77 00:03:25,105 --> 00:03:27,608 Trump's policies caused this whole derailment, 78 00:03:27,708 --> 00:03:29,476 so you cannot touchdown dance. 79 00:03:29,576 --> 00:03:33,146 But, also, what the [bleep] are you guys doing? 80 00:03:33,247 --> 00:03:37,551 How do you fumble the optics game every time? 81 00:03:37,651 --> 00:03:40,220 Why didn't you send Joe Biden to take a tragedy selfie? 82 00:03:40,320 --> 00:03:43,190 Even a moron like Donald Trump managed to do it. 83 00:03:43,290 --> 00:03:46,693 Trump pulled up to McDonald's and started handing 84 00:03:46,793 --> 00:03:48,161 out hats and Happy Meals. 85 00:03:48,262 --> 00:03:50,864 Democrats, you waited three weeks, 86 00:03:50,964 --> 00:03:55,502 and you sent Pete Buttigieg dressed like Bob the Builder? 87 00:03:55,602 --> 00:03:57,504 He's the 12th man on your depth chart. 88 00:03:57,604 --> 00:03:59,273 Send Kamala. 89 00:03:59,373 --> 00:04:00,807 What the [bleep] is Kamala doing? 90 00:04:00,908 --> 00:04:05,612 We want to see her just for proof of life. 91 00:04:05,712 --> 00:04:07,848 Kamala, take an Instagram reel of you feeding 92 00:04:07,948 --> 00:04:09,383 an Appalachian kid, OK? 93 00:04:09,483 --> 00:04:11,051 Easy. 94 00:04:11,084 --> 00:04:13,687 Now here's the real issue. 95 00:04:13,787 --> 00:04:20,327 Nobody should be trying to win a train derailment, OK? 96 00:04:21,328 --> 00:04:22,696 We had about five seconds of empathy 97 00:04:22,796 --> 00:04:24,398 before this whole thing turned into 98 00:04:24,498 --> 00:04:27,601 another partisan prizefight. 99 00:04:27,701 --> 00:04:29,670 It's almost like everyone in politics 100 00:04:29,770 --> 00:04:35,509 and the media said, hey, how will people have empathy if we 101 00:04:35,609 --> 00:04:39,313 don't tell them who to blame? 102 00:04:39,413 --> 00:04:41,849 You know, you don't always have to find 103 00:04:41,949 --> 00:04:48,188 a villain because the truth is much like me. 104 00:04:48,288 --> 00:04:52,092 It's not always black and white. 105 00:04:52,125 --> 00:04:54,228 For more on the partisan fallout from train derailment, 106 00:04:54,328 --> 00:04:55,329 let's turn to Dulce Sloan. 107 00:04:55,429 --> 00:04:56,330 Dulce. 108 00:04:56,430 --> 00:04:57,598 [cheering] 109 00:04:57,698 --> 00:04:58,599 Listen. 110 00:04:58,699 --> 00:04:59,600 Hi. 111 00:04:59,700 --> 00:05:01,602 Hi. 112 00:05:01,702 --> 00:05:06,106 Dulce-- Dulce Sloan. 113 00:05:06,206 --> 00:05:09,109 [applause] 114 00:05:09,209 --> 00:05:10,143 They love you. 115 00:05:10,244 --> 00:05:11,645 Sup, loser? 116 00:05:11,745 --> 00:05:12,646 Hi, friend. 117 00:05:12,746 --> 00:05:14,047 Yeah. 118 00:05:14,114 --> 00:05:17,918 But don't you think the whole blame game is just terrible? 119 00:05:18,051 --> 00:05:22,523 Actually, I don't think it's gone far enough. 120 00:05:22,623 --> 00:05:24,525 There's a lot more blame to go around. 121 00:05:24,625 --> 00:05:27,261 People are blaming Democrats and Republicans, 122 00:05:27,361 --> 00:05:29,796 but we're not blaming the real villain. 123 00:05:29,897 --> 00:05:30,797 You're so right. 124 00:05:30,898 --> 00:05:33,267 It's our own inability to empathize. 125 00:05:33,367 --> 00:05:35,669 No, dumb dumb. 126 00:05:35,769 --> 00:05:38,272 We've got to blame these trains. 127 00:05:38,372 --> 00:05:39,373 HASAN MINHAJ: Wait, what? 128 00:05:39,473 --> 00:05:41,441 Thomas and the rest of them mother [bleep].. 129 00:05:41,542 --> 00:05:44,711 [laughter, applause] 130 00:05:44,811 --> 00:05:46,346 So Thomas the tank-- 131 00:05:46,446 --> 00:05:47,614 We don't need them. 132 00:05:47,714 --> 00:05:52,286 Listen, a train is just a bus that goes less places. 133 00:05:52,386 --> 00:05:53,320 And they don't even look good. 134 00:05:53,420 --> 00:05:54,755 It's just a bunch of little cars 135 00:05:54,855 --> 00:05:55,756 sniffing each other's butts. 136 00:05:55,856 --> 00:05:59,726 [laughter] 137 00:05:59,826 --> 00:06:02,029 That is a horrifying image. 138 00:06:02,095 --> 00:06:03,630 Absolutely, yeah. 139 00:06:03,730 --> 00:06:06,633 But you can't just blame trains as a whole. 140 00:06:06,733 --> 00:06:09,036 Yes, I can. 141 00:06:09,136 --> 00:06:11,438 I also blame the inventor, British 142 00:06:11,538 --> 00:06:13,640 engineer George Stephenson. 143 00:06:13,740 --> 00:06:16,443 You think you can get away with this? 144 00:06:16,543 --> 00:06:19,313 Inventing the locomotive in 1804. 145 00:06:19,413 --> 00:06:21,048 No, sir, OK? 146 00:06:21,148 --> 00:06:23,317 We are digging your ass up and kicking it all 147 00:06:23,417 --> 00:06:24,484 over the cemetery, all right? 148 00:06:24,585 --> 00:06:25,519 Revenge for Ohio. 149 00:06:25,619 --> 00:06:26,520 Revenge! 150 00:06:26,620 --> 00:06:27,955 No, no, no, wait. 151 00:06:28,055 --> 00:06:28,956 [screaming] 152 00:06:29,056 --> 00:06:31,792 No, what is going on? 153 00:06:31,892 --> 00:06:38,165 Dulce, you are reaching here to find anyone to blame. 154 00:06:38,265 --> 00:06:41,902 You getting awfully defensive, Hasan. 155 00:06:42,069 --> 00:06:42,936 No, I'm not. 156 00:06:43,070 --> 00:06:45,806 Maybe you had something to do with this. 157 00:06:45,906 --> 00:06:47,875 Where were you when the derailment 158 00:06:47,975 --> 00:06:49,776 happened, Mr. Minhaj? 159 00:06:49,877 --> 00:06:53,413 [laughter] 160 00:06:53,514 --> 00:06:55,082 I was doing comedy. 161 00:06:55,148 --> 00:06:56,083 Doing comedy. 162 00:06:56,183 --> 00:06:57,384 Uh-huh. 163 00:06:57,484 --> 00:06:59,353 You were somewhere making people laugh with the ha has 164 00:06:59,453 --> 00:07:00,787 and the joke jokes? 165 00:07:00,888 --> 00:07:03,790 Can you believe this man? 166 00:07:03,891 --> 00:07:06,293 He was making jokes at a time of national tragedy. 167 00:07:06,393 --> 00:07:07,294 How dare you? 168 00:07:07,394 --> 00:07:08,729 What the hell? 169 00:07:08,829 --> 00:07:10,030 Is that why you came here? 170 00:07:10,063 --> 00:07:11,164 Hasan, don't be shy. 171 00:07:11,265 --> 00:07:12,499 What? 172 00:07:12,599 --> 00:07:16,036 Listen, I want everybody to acknowledge this brown man. 173 00:07:16,103 --> 00:07:17,171 Oh, my god. 174 00:07:17,271 --> 00:07:18,906 This Muslim man. 175 00:07:19,039 --> 00:07:23,277 This brown, Muslim man is responsible for that train 176 00:07:23,377 --> 00:07:24,645 jumping off the tracks like a hot potato. 177 00:07:24,745 --> 00:07:26,246 No, I'm not. 178 00:07:26,346 --> 00:07:27,247 Yes, he is. 179 00:07:27,347 --> 00:07:28,682 Everyone, boo Hasan. 180 00:07:28,782 --> 00:07:29,850 Come on. 181 00:07:29,950 --> 00:07:32,052 What is going-- what the-- what are you doing? 182 00:07:32,119 --> 00:07:33,053 Stop it. 183 00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:34,054 Boo! 184 00:07:34,154 --> 00:07:35,055 Did you DM Ronny? 185 00:07:35,155 --> 00:07:36,723 Stop it. stop. Stop it. 186 00:07:36,823 --> 00:07:38,292 You're doing the-- you're doing this right now. 187 00:07:38,392 --> 00:07:39,693 You're getting everybody worked up. 188 00:07:39,793 --> 00:07:40,894 This is how the whole thing works. 189 00:07:41,061 --> 00:07:42,663 - Yes. - The media machine. 190 00:07:42,763 --> 00:07:43,797 You're smelling blood. 191 00:07:43,897 --> 00:07:45,566 And you're getting them to [bleep] pounce on me. 192 00:07:45,666 --> 00:07:46,567 Boo. 193 00:07:46,667 --> 00:07:47,935 Yeah. 194 00:07:48,068 --> 00:07:49,069 Why are you doing this? 195 00:07:49,136 --> 00:07:52,739 Because blaming feels great. 196 00:07:52,840 --> 00:07:55,242 It's the best way to solve any problem. 197 00:07:55,342 --> 00:07:59,213 See, when you blame someone, you 198 00:07:59,313 --> 00:08:00,747 don't have to take any action. 199 00:08:00,848 --> 00:08:02,783 There's no need to reflect. 200 00:08:02,883 --> 00:08:07,821 You simply ask the question, who's responsible? 201 00:08:07,921 --> 00:08:10,824 Whose fault is this? 202 00:08:10,924 --> 00:08:15,495 And it doesn't matter who it is because the important thing is 203 00:08:15,596 --> 00:08:16,463 it ain't me. 204 00:08:16,563 --> 00:08:23,170 [laughter, applause] 205 00:08:24,171 --> 00:08:29,910 So, Hasan, apologize. 206 00:08:30,043 --> 00:08:32,412 Don't you want Hasan to apologize? 207 00:08:32,513 --> 00:08:36,383 [cheering] 208 00:08:36,483 --> 00:08:40,821 Apologize to the good people, the American people 209 00:08:40,921 --> 00:08:45,459 about derailing a train in Ohio. 210 00:08:45,559 --> 00:08:46,760 OK. 211 00:08:46,860 --> 00:08:51,899 America, I'm sorry for being responsible for the train 212 00:08:52,065 --> 00:08:53,200 derailment in East Palestine. 213 00:08:53,300 --> 00:08:57,070 [laughter] 214 00:08:57,171 --> 00:08:59,573 I don't know. 215 00:08:59,673 --> 00:09:00,641 It felt forced. 216 00:09:00,741 --> 00:09:01,642 It felt forced. 217 00:09:01,742 --> 00:09:02,776 It was forced. 218 00:09:02,876 --> 00:09:04,778 And that's the problem because you-- 219 00:09:04,878 --> 00:09:07,514 you need to take responsibility. 220 00:09:07,614 --> 00:09:08,715 OK, you know what? 221 00:09:08,815 --> 00:09:09,716 Thank you so much, Dulce. 222 00:09:09,816 --> 00:09:10,717 Fine. 223 00:09:10,817 --> 00:09:12,553 I take responsibility. 224 00:09:12,653 --> 00:09:17,024 All right, when we come back, I'm 225 00:09:17,090 --> 00:09:18,725 going to finally solve my Twitter addiction, 226 00:09:18,825 --> 00:09:20,594 so don't go away. 227 00:09:20,694 --> 00:09:21,595 Dulce Sloan, everyone. 228 00:09:21,695 --> 00:09:24,731 [applause] 229 00:09:26,910 --> 00:09:32,316 [applause] 230 00:09:32,416 --> 00:09:37,054 Welcome back to The Daily Show. 231 00:09:37,154 --> 00:09:39,256 Tonight, I want to share something 232 00:09:39,356 --> 00:09:45,996 that's been on my mind. 233 00:09:46,997 --> 00:09:49,099 Let me ask you guys a question. 234 00:09:49,199 --> 00:09:50,767 Who here is on Twitter? 235 00:09:50,867 --> 00:09:53,070 [cheering] 236 00:09:53,170 --> 00:09:57,541 OK, I-- that's too many people. 237 00:09:57,641 --> 00:10:00,344 The guy-- the guy who said no, that's a normal person 238 00:10:00,444 --> 00:10:01,345 right there. 239 00:10:01,445 --> 00:10:02,679 I trust you. 240 00:10:02,779 --> 00:10:05,983 Now, by now, you probably know Elon Musk recently bought 241 00:10:06,083 --> 00:10:08,352 Twitter for $44 billion. 242 00:10:08,452 --> 00:10:09,519 Yeah. 243 00:10:09,620 --> 00:10:12,689 And since Elon's takeover, all I see on Twitter 244 00:10:12,789 --> 00:10:15,459 is Twitter sucks. 245 00:10:15,559 --> 00:10:17,327 We should leave Twitter. 246 00:10:17,427 --> 00:10:19,329 Elon ruined Twitter. 247 00:10:19,429 --> 00:10:21,832 But here's the thing, guys. 248 00:10:21,932 --> 00:10:24,601 Elon didn't make Twitter terrible. 249 00:10:24,701 --> 00:10:31,341 Twitter has been terrible for years because of us. 250 00:10:31,508 --> 00:10:33,143 No, you can't dunk on Elon. 251 00:10:33,243 --> 00:10:34,678 It's us. 252 00:10:34,778 --> 00:10:37,981 Twitter is the shittiest platform on planet Earth. 253 00:10:38,081 --> 00:10:40,050 It's worse than Tinder. 254 00:10:40,150 --> 00:10:43,987 And Tinder gives you genital herpes, OK? 255 00:10:44,087 --> 00:10:48,925 But as bad as it gets, no one ever leaves. 256 00:10:49,026 --> 00:10:52,429 Oh, but, Hasan, I can't leave Twitter. 257 00:10:52,529 --> 00:10:55,732 It's the digital town square. 258 00:10:55,832 --> 00:10:57,534 No, it's not. 259 00:10:57,601 --> 00:11:00,304 Twitter is not a town square. 260 00:11:00,404 --> 00:11:03,073 It's Times Square. 261 00:11:03,173 --> 00:11:05,375 Have you been to Times Square? 262 00:11:05,542 --> 00:11:08,011 It's [bleep] terrifying. 263 00:11:08,111 --> 00:11:11,982 You got the M&M store, Mexican Elmo, a guy masturbating, 264 00:11:12,082 --> 00:11:14,051 ads for DraftKings.com. 265 00:11:14,151 --> 00:11:17,554 I'm like, can someone just stab me in the eye and take me out 266 00:11:17,587 --> 00:11:19,222 of this hell? 267 00:11:19,323 --> 00:11:24,127 Oh, but, Hasan, we have to be a part of the discourse. 268 00:11:24,227 --> 00:11:25,462 This is a place for discourse. 269 00:11:25,562 --> 00:11:26,863 Fine. 270 00:11:26,964 --> 00:11:29,199 Let's talk about the discourse. 271 00:11:29,299 --> 00:11:35,072 Has Twitter ever changed anyone's mind on anything? 272 00:11:35,172 --> 00:11:38,675 Is someone like, you know, I used 273 00:11:38,775 --> 00:11:41,511 to think canceling student debt was a bad idea, 274 00:11:41,578 --> 00:11:45,115 but it makes a lot more sense with hand clap emojis. 275 00:11:45,215 --> 00:11:47,584 [laughter] 276 00:11:47,684 --> 00:11:50,020 Oh-- oh, you think we're going to convince 277 00:11:50,120 --> 00:11:55,058 Florida's government to stop banning books with a thread? 278 00:11:55,158 --> 00:11:57,527 Here's a thread. 279 00:11:57,628 --> 00:11:59,596 They've already made it pretty clear they're 280 00:11:59,696 --> 00:12:01,098 not big on reading. 281 00:12:01,198 --> 00:12:03,000 But, Hasan. 282 00:12:03,100 --> 00:12:06,937 Hasan, no, no, I can't leave Twitter. 283 00:12:07,037 --> 00:12:08,538 Everybody's on Twitter. 284 00:12:08,639 --> 00:12:10,707 No, they're not. 285 00:12:10,807 --> 00:12:15,345 Only a small minority of dorks even use Twitter. 286 00:12:15,445 --> 00:12:18,115 Yeah, by the way-- by the way. 287 00:12:18,215 --> 00:12:23,787 And only 10% of those dorks create 80% of the content. 288 00:12:23,887 --> 00:12:26,089 It's a minority of a minority. 289 00:12:26,189 --> 00:12:28,792 There are more country music stars named 290 00:12:28,892 --> 00:12:33,563 Luke than people who tweet. 291 00:12:33,664 --> 00:12:38,201 It just feels like everyone's on it because the news 292 00:12:38,302 --> 00:12:39,503 media is on it. 293 00:12:39,569 --> 00:12:42,105 So journalists see three people tweet about something, 294 00:12:42,205 --> 00:12:44,408 and they're like, everybody's talking about this. 295 00:12:44,508 --> 00:12:46,643 Who the [bleep] is everybody? 296 00:12:46,743 --> 00:12:50,147 Ballsack79 is everybody? 297 00:12:50,247 --> 00:12:51,348 But they go, quote tweet. 298 00:12:51,515 --> 00:12:53,116 Quote tweet. Quote tweet. 299 00:12:53,216 --> 00:12:54,284 This. 300 00:12:54,384 --> 00:12:55,519 This. 301 00:12:55,585 --> 00:12:56,520 This. 302 00:12:56,586 --> 00:12:57,654 But this was nothing. 303 00:12:57,754 --> 00:12:58,989 This was not discourse. 304 00:12:59,089 --> 00:13:01,525 This was three people. 305 00:13:01,625 --> 00:13:03,727 OK, now-- now to the people that 306 00:13:03,827 --> 00:13:05,429 gave it up that were like, I use Twitter, 307 00:13:05,529 --> 00:13:06,663 I will give you this. 308 00:13:06,763 --> 00:13:08,532 I'll give you this. 309 00:13:08,565 --> 00:13:13,337 Twitter has been helpful for boosting the MeToo movement 310 00:13:13,437 --> 00:13:15,238 and spotlighting police brutality, 311 00:13:15,339 --> 00:13:20,877 but it has to be used in dire circumstances. 312 00:13:20,978 --> 00:13:23,547 That should be the captcha for Twitter. 313 00:13:23,614 --> 00:13:25,182 When you log in, it shouldn't ask 314 00:13:25,282 --> 00:13:27,484 you to pick three stoplights. 315 00:13:27,517 --> 00:13:31,722 It should ask you, are you reporting a natural disaster, 316 00:13:31,822 --> 00:13:34,191 an authoritarian government, whistleblowing, 317 00:13:34,291 --> 00:13:38,595 harassment by the police, or are you defending Beyoncé? 318 00:13:38,695 --> 00:13:44,234 Then and only then should you get to tweet. 319 00:13:44,334 --> 00:13:49,039 Outside of that, what the [bleep] is 320 00:13:49,139 --> 00:13:51,842 the upside of anyone tweeting? 321 00:13:51,942 --> 00:13:53,143 Why should I tweet? 322 00:13:53,243 --> 00:13:55,712 Why should you tweet? 323 00:13:55,812 --> 00:13:56,847 Think of the process. 324 00:13:56,947 --> 00:13:59,850 You share your opinion, you argue with people, 325 00:13:59,950 --> 00:14:03,820 and then potentially lose your job. 326 00:14:03,920 --> 00:14:06,256 That's if you're a civilian or a celebrity. 327 00:14:06,356 --> 00:14:09,259 It's a platform with no dialogue, 328 00:14:09,359 --> 00:14:12,029 no grace, no forgiveness. 329 00:14:12,129 --> 00:14:15,966 It's all ISIS beheadings and clout. 330 00:14:16,066 --> 00:14:19,670 And the only thing worse than Twitter's features 331 00:14:19,770 --> 00:14:21,905 are its users. 332 00:14:22,005 --> 00:14:23,640 Not the lurkers. 333 00:14:23,740 --> 00:14:26,576 Lurkers, we're normal. 334 00:14:26,677 --> 00:14:29,947 I'm talking about the power users flooding your timeline. 335 00:14:30,047 --> 00:14:34,084 The amount these psychos tweet is on another level. 336 00:14:34,184 --> 00:14:40,824 George Takei has tweeted 103,000 times since he joined. 337 00:14:40,924 --> 00:14:45,028 That comes out to 23 tweets a day. 338 00:14:45,128 --> 00:14:48,532 George, you can have opinions, but I shouldn't be 339 00:14:48,632 --> 00:14:51,368 able to set my watch to them. 340 00:14:51,501 --> 00:14:56,707 Dude, Mike Cernovich has tweeted 200,000 times. 341 00:14:56,807 --> 00:15:00,377 That's 48 tweets a day. 342 00:15:00,510 --> 00:15:05,248 How the [bleep] do you have that many opinions? 343 00:15:05,349 --> 00:15:09,653 I'm a guy and I only have two opinions. 344 00:15:09,753 --> 00:15:12,756 I love the Sacramento Kings and, real talk, 345 00:15:12,856 --> 00:15:14,224 Chipotle has kind of fallen off. 346 00:15:14,324 --> 00:15:16,026 That's it. 347 00:15:16,126 --> 00:15:17,794 Wajahat Ali. 348 00:15:17,894 --> 00:15:19,963 He's a friend of mine and a writer for the New York Times. 349 00:15:20,063 --> 00:15:20,964 Brag. 350 00:15:21,064 --> 00:15:25,936 Waj has tweeted 185,200 times. 351 00:15:26,036 --> 00:15:30,774 Waj, I have a message from your family. 352 00:15:30,874 --> 00:15:32,809 We miss you, Dad. 353 00:15:32,909 --> 00:15:35,078 Look up. 354 00:15:35,178 --> 00:15:39,016 I don't care what side of the aisle you're on. 355 00:15:39,116 --> 00:15:42,486 Put the crack pipe down and leave Twitter 356 00:15:42,552 --> 00:15:44,154 like you said you would. 357 00:15:44,254 --> 00:15:48,492 What happened to the mass exodus when Elon took over? 358 00:15:48,592 --> 00:15:51,395 I thought all you guys were going to Twitter Canada. 359 00:15:51,495 --> 00:15:52,796 Mastodon. 360 00:15:52,896 --> 00:15:55,098 Find me on Mastodon. 361 00:15:55,198 --> 00:15:59,303 You can catch me on Mastodon, you [bleep] cowards. 362 00:15:59,403 --> 00:16:01,872 And for the people who still think it has value, 363 00:16:01,972 --> 00:16:02,873 you're wrong. 364 00:16:02,973 --> 00:16:04,374 You know this deep down. 365 00:16:04,508 --> 00:16:06,276 You [bleep] feel it here. 366 00:16:06,376 --> 00:16:09,379 You bitch about Elon all the time, but you won't quit. 367 00:16:09,513 --> 00:16:11,348 You don't even have the willpower 368 00:16:11,515 --> 00:16:13,150 to live up to your own values. 369 00:16:13,250 --> 00:16:15,819 You don't give a [bleep] about your values. 370 00:16:15,919 --> 00:16:17,654 You don't give a [bleep]. 371 00:16:17,754 --> 00:16:22,092 You care more about your brand than progress. 372 00:16:22,192 --> 00:16:24,962 You don't want to write on Twitter. 373 00:16:25,062 --> 00:16:27,197 You want to write on Succession, 374 00:16:27,297 --> 00:16:29,900 but you're not talented enough to write for Succession, 375 00:16:30,000 --> 00:16:31,034 and neither am I. 376 00:16:31,134 --> 00:16:32,669 I want out of the media grip. 377 00:16:32,769 --> 00:16:33,804 Do you understand? 378 00:16:33,904 --> 00:16:35,339 I want my mind back. 379 00:16:35,472 --> 00:16:37,240 I [bleep] hate this place. 380 00:16:37,341 --> 00:16:38,809 I hate Twitter. 381 00:16:38,909 --> 00:16:40,110 I want out. 382 00:16:40,210 --> 00:16:41,912 I want out. 383 00:16:42,012 --> 00:16:43,680 Give me my mind back. 384 00:16:43,780 --> 00:16:46,850 Free my mind from [bleep] Yashar Ali's tweets. 385 00:16:46,950 --> 00:16:48,251 Please. - Help! 386 00:16:48,352 --> 00:16:49,686 Help! 387 00:16:49,786 --> 00:16:51,121 What am I doing? 388 00:16:51,221 --> 00:16:52,723 What am I doing? 389 00:16:52,823 --> 00:16:54,858 My daughter is here. 390 00:16:54,958 --> 00:16:58,695 What am I doing? 391 00:16:58,795 --> 00:17:00,831 Oh, my god. 392 00:17:00,931 --> 00:17:07,070 I'm the living embodiment of Twitter. 393 00:17:07,170 --> 00:17:08,939 I'm judging other people without changing 394 00:17:09,039 --> 00:17:12,943 anything about myself. 395 00:17:13,043 --> 00:17:15,312 Let me channel the fake Gandhi quote I saw on Twitter. 396 00:17:15,412 --> 00:17:19,283 [laughter] 397 00:17:19,383 --> 00:17:22,986 Maybe I need to be the change I wish to see in the world. 398 00:17:23,086 --> 00:17:23,987 [bleep] this. 399 00:17:24,087 --> 00:17:25,422 I'm leaving Twitter. 400 00:17:25,522 --> 00:17:27,057 I'm leaving Twitter. 401 00:17:27,157 --> 00:17:29,326 I'm leaving this hellscape right now. 402 00:17:29,459 --> 00:17:30,927 Let's do this right now. 403 00:17:31,028 --> 00:17:32,129 You think I'm lying? I'm doing this. 404 00:17:32,229 --> 00:17:33,497 This is real. 405 00:17:33,597 --> 00:17:34,498 This is real. 406 00:17:34,598 --> 00:17:36,166 And just like everybody on Twitter, 407 00:17:36,266 --> 00:17:37,868 I'm making a long, annoying announcement about it 408 00:17:37,968 --> 00:17:38,869 right here. 409 00:17:38,969 --> 00:17:39,870 You got that? 410 00:17:39,970 --> 00:17:40,971 Yeah, let's do it. 411 00:17:41,071 --> 00:17:41,972 [bleep] yeah. 412 00:17:42,072 --> 00:17:44,308 Let's get the [bleep] out of here. 413 00:17:44,474 --> 00:17:45,509 Deactivate. 414 00:17:45,609 --> 00:17:46,843 Yes, deactivate. 415 00:17:46,944 --> 00:17:49,146 Goodbye. 416 00:17:49,246 --> 00:17:50,747 I'm gone. 417 00:17:50,847 --> 00:17:53,684 I'm gone. 418 00:17:53,784 --> 00:17:55,619 I'm free. 419 00:17:55,719 --> 00:17:59,656 I'm free. 420 00:17:59,756 --> 00:18:02,859 I'm free. 421 00:18:02,960 --> 00:18:03,860 I'm free. 422 00:18:03,961 --> 00:18:10,968 [cheering, applause] 423 00:18:20,644 --> 00:18:23,513 So what do I do now? 424 00:18:23,614 --> 00:18:25,349 I guess I can actually go to the town square 425 00:18:25,515 --> 00:18:32,222 and meet people in real life, hang out with my wife, 426 00:18:32,322 --> 00:18:36,727 kiss my children, you know, touch grass. 427 00:18:36,827 --> 00:18:39,029 It's a big world out there. 428 00:18:39,129 --> 00:18:41,331 And I want to live in it. 429 00:18:41,465 --> 00:18:44,067 We had a fun ride, trolls and bad faith actors. 430 00:18:44,167 --> 00:18:47,471 Oh, and by the way, if you hate this on Twitter, 431 00:18:47,537 --> 00:18:51,975 I could give a [bleep] because I'm not there. 432 00:18:52,075 --> 00:18:55,112 Join me in the real world. 433 00:18:55,212 --> 00:19:00,484 And, hey, in case I don't see you, good afternoon, 434 00:19:00,517 --> 00:19:02,319 good evening, and good night. 435 00:19:02,486 --> 00:19:05,489 [cheering, applause] 436 00:19:15,098 --> 00:19:17,200 [cheering] 437 00:19:17,300 --> 00:19:19,970 Thank you. 438 00:19:20,070 --> 00:19:22,439 Welcome back to The Daily Show. 439 00:19:22,539 --> 00:19:26,276 My guest tonight had to cancel at the last minute. 440 00:19:26,376 --> 00:19:28,645 But that's OK because it allows me 441 00:19:28,745 --> 00:19:30,881 to bring out one of my favorite human beings 442 00:19:30,981 --> 00:19:32,549 in the entire world. 443 00:19:32,649 --> 00:19:36,419 It's her birthday, so please give it up for my daughter. 444 00:19:36,520 --> 00:19:43,527 [cheering] 445 00:19:54,137 --> 00:19:55,205 How old are you? 446 00:19:55,305 --> 00:19:56,206 Five. 447 00:19:56,306 --> 00:19:58,208 Really? 448 00:19:58,308 --> 00:19:59,442 Oh, man. 449 00:19:59,543 --> 00:20:01,044 How does it feel to be five? 450 00:20:01,144 --> 00:20:02,045 Good. 451 00:20:02,145 --> 00:20:03,914 Yeah? 452 00:20:04,014 --> 00:20:09,619 Let me ask you a question. 453 00:20:09,719 --> 00:20:11,321 How old is your brother? 454 00:20:11,421 --> 00:20:12,622 Three. 455 00:20:12,722 --> 00:20:15,125 Do you like him? 456 00:20:15,225 --> 00:20:17,427 Yes. 457 00:20:17,527 --> 00:20:18,795 What's he like? 458 00:20:18,895 --> 00:20:19,996 He likes me. 459 00:20:20,096 --> 00:20:21,097 Really? 460 00:20:21,198 --> 00:20:22,098 He likes you? 461 00:20:22,199 --> 00:20:23,533 Yes. 462 00:20:23,700 --> 00:20:24,568 Are you a good big sister? 463 00:20:24,701 --> 00:20:26,837 Yes. 464 00:20:26,937 --> 00:20:28,238 What's your favorite color? 465 00:20:28,338 --> 00:20:30,073 Pink and purple. 466 00:20:30,173 --> 00:20:31,074 OK. 467 00:20:31,174 --> 00:20:33,443 [cheering] 468 00:20:33,543 --> 00:20:39,349 What's your favorite book? 469 00:20:39,449 --> 00:20:41,084 Little Babaji. 470 00:20:41,184 --> 00:20:42,552 Little Babaji? 471 00:20:42,719 --> 00:20:44,554 [laughs] OK. 472 00:20:44,721 --> 00:20:47,424 OK. 473 00:20:47,524 --> 00:20:49,960 I've never asked you this. 474 00:20:50,060 --> 00:20:55,799 But what does daddy do? 475 00:20:55,899 --> 00:20:57,067 Work. 476 00:20:57,167 --> 00:20:58,902 Work? 477 00:20:59,002 --> 00:21:01,538 No, but what is my work? 478 00:21:01,638 --> 00:21:02,739 Hmm. 479 00:21:02,806 --> 00:21:04,374 - It's what? - Kiki? 480 00:21:04,474 --> 00:21:05,375 It's Kiki? 481 00:21:05,475 --> 00:21:08,378 [laughs] OK. 482 00:21:08,478 --> 00:21:13,216 Everyone, I rarely get to do this. 483 00:21:13,316 --> 00:21:14,918 I'm only here for a week. 484 00:21:15,018 --> 00:21:17,254 But I think we should all sing baby girl 485 00:21:17,354 --> 00:21:18,855 happy birthday since this is her birthday today. 486 00:21:18,955 --> 00:21:20,190 [cheering] 487 00:21:20,290 --> 00:21:21,258 Should we do this? 488 00:21:21,358 --> 00:21:22,692 All right, here we go. 489 00:21:22,726 --> 00:21:25,495 3, 2, 1. 490 00:21:25,595 --> 00:21:30,133 (SINGING) Happy birthday to you. 491 00:21:30,233 --> 00:21:34,271 Happy birthday to you. 492 00:21:34,371 --> 00:21:39,276 Happy birthday dear baby girl. 493 00:21:39,376 --> 00:21:42,579 Happy birthday to you. 494 00:21:42,712 --> 00:21:43,580 Happy birthday. 495 00:21:43,713 --> 00:21:50,720 [cheering] 496 00:21:53,857 --> 00:21:55,225 OK. 497 00:21:55,325 --> 00:21:56,526 We're going to take a quick break. 498 00:21:56,626 --> 00:21:58,061 We'll be right back after this. 499 00:21:58,161 --> 00:22:01,498 [cheering] 500 00:22:16,282 --> 00:22:20,753 Well, that's it for our show tonight. 501 00:22:20,853 --> 00:22:23,722 Do you have something to say? 502 00:22:23,822 --> 00:22:25,591 (WHISPERING) Here's your Moment of Zen. 503 00:22:25,691 --> 00:22:27,359 Your Moment of Zen. 504 00:22:27,459 --> 00:22:28,961 [cheering] 505 00:22:29,061 --> 00:22:31,096 Eighth graders' math proficiency 506 00:22:31,196 --> 00:22:33,032 dropped by 7 points. 507 00:22:33,132 --> 00:22:35,734 Reading levels dropped by 2 points. 508 00:22:35,834 --> 00:22:37,503 Here's what is shocking to me. 509 00:22:37,603 --> 00:22:42,141 There are 1,000,524-- 510 00:22:42,241 --> 00:22:48,047 524 and 481-- this is over 1 million, 1.5 million-- 511 00:22:48,147 --> 00:22:49,682 ANNOUNCER: MTV.