NARRATOR: From New York City, the only city in America,
it's the show that invented news.
This is The Daily Show with your host Hasan Minhaj.
[theme music]
Welcome to The Daily Show.
I'm your host, Hasan Minhaj.
Nice to see you.
Yes.
Settle in.
Listen.
It's night three for me behind the desk.
And I got to say, it's been so great
this week catching up with old friends and also Ronny Chieng.
But we've got a great show for you tonight.
So let's get into headlines.
[music playing]
Let's start off with McDonald's,
the only thing that's invaded more countries than America.
MALE REPORTER: Some McDonald's franchisees are pushing back
against a new corporate ad campaign called Famous
Orders, which lets famous people like Cardi B
create new menu items.
Some restaurant owners worry the Cardi B promotion is not
compatible with McDonald's decades-long history
as a family-friendly restaurant.
One franchisee in San Jose who's participating
said the fact that we can't talk about the song
that we're objecting to because we can't use the title--
Says something.
--says something.
Whoa, whoa, hold on.
[laughter]
Do these guys have a problem with WAP?
Because you know every burger comes with wet ass pickles.
This is a normal thing.
Don't take the moral high ground.
Not to mention, Mickey D's, one of your mascots is a burglar,
and the other one is a purple butt plug.
And you're worried about Cardi B?
All right, let's move on to our big story tonight,
the train derailment in Palestine.
Yeah, sad.
Very sad.
But today, a bipartisan group of senators
introduced safety legislation to, you know,
actually try to solve the problem.
Which is so refreshing because for the past three weeks,
all we've heard is pundits and politicians
playing the blame game.
But where's President Biden?
Instead of going to Ohio, President Biden
is heading home to Delaware to relax
after his big Ukraine trip.
We're here because of all of the deregulation
of the train industry during the Trump administration.
Joe Biden will probably never visit.
You know, he doesn't seem to care what's happening in Ohio.
Pete Buttigieg is a disgrace.
It was him.
It was Donald Trump and his administration.
I think the people in East Palestine,
Ohio should put Ukraine flags in their yard,
and maybe Biden would pay attention.
OK, all of you shut up.
Wait.
This feels like watching your parents fight in the kitchen,
and they're both being idiots for different reasons.
Listen.
Republicans, listen to me.
You guys love deregulation.
But, suddenly, you now care about rail safety?
A little ironic.
Also, you really think Joe Biden taking a tragedy selfie
would make the situation any better?
Democrats, listen to me.
As of now, March 1, there is zero indication that
Trump's policies caused this whole derailment,
so you cannot touchdown dance.
But, also, what the [bleep] are you guys doing?
How do you fumble the optics game every time?
Why didn't you send Joe Biden to take a tragedy selfie?
Even a moron like Donald Trump managed to do it.
Trump pulled up to McDonald's and started handing
out hats and Happy Meals.
Democrats, you waited three weeks,
and you sent Pete Buttigieg dressed like Bob the Builder?
He's the 12th man on your depth chart.
Send Kamala.
What the [bleep] is Kamala doing?
We want to see her just for proof of life.
Kamala, take an Instagram reel of you feeding
an Appalachian kid, OK?
Easy.
Now here's the real issue.
Nobody should be trying to win a train derailment, OK?
We had about five seconds of empathy
before this whole thing turned into
another partisan prizefight.
It's almost like everyone in politics
and the media said, hey, how will people have empathy if we
don't tell them who to blame?
You know, you don't always have to find
a villain because the truth is much like me.
It's not always black and white.
For more on the partisan fallout from train derailment,
let's turn to Dulce Sloan.
Dulce.
[cheering]
Listen.
Hi.
Dulce-- Dulce Sloan.
[applause]
They love you.
Sup, loser?
Hi, friend.
Yeah.
But don't you think the whole blame game is just terrible?
Actually, I don't think it's gone far enough.
There's a lot more blame to go around.
People are blaming Democrats and Republicans,
but we're not blaming the real villain.
You're so right.
It's our own inability to empathize.
No, dumb dumb.
We've got to blame these trains.
HASAN MINHAJ: Wait, what?
Thomas and the rest of them mother [bleep]..
[laughter, applause]
So Thomas the tank--
We don't need them.
Listen, a train is just a bus that goes less places.
And they don't even look good.
It's just a bunch of little cars
sniffing each other's butts.
[laughter]
That is a horrifying image.
Absolutely, yeah.
But you can't just blame trains as a whole.
Yes, I can.
I also blame the inventor, British
engineer George Stephenson.
You think you can get away with this?
Inventing the locomotive in 1804.
No, sir, OK?
We are digging your ass up and kicking it all
over the cemetery, all right?
Revenge for Ohio.
Revenge!
No, no, no, wait.
[screaming]
No, what is going on?
Dulce, you are reaching here to find anyone to blame.
You getting awfully defensive, Hasan.
No, I'm not.
Maybe you had something to do with this.
Where were you when the derailment
happened, Mr. Minhaj?
[laughter]
I was doing comedy.
Doing comedy.
Uh-huh.
You were somewhere making people laugh with the ha has
and the joke jokes?
Can you believe this man?
He was making jokes at a time of national tragedy.
How dare you?
What the hell?
Is that why you came here?
Hasan, don't be shy.
What?
Listen, I want everybody to acknowledge this brown man.
Oh, my god.
This Muslim man.
This brown, Muslim man is responsible for that train
jumping off the tracks like a hot potato.
No, I'm not.
Yes, he is.
Everyone, boo Hasan.
Come on.
What is going-- what the-- what are you doing?
Stop it.
Boo!
Did you DM Ronny?
Stop it. stop. Stop it.
You're doing the-- you're doing this right now.
You're getting everybody worked up.
This is how the whole thing works.
- Yes. - The media machine.
You're smelling blood.
And you're getting them to [bleep] pounce on me.
Boo.
Yeah.
Why are you doing this?
Because blaming feels great.
It's the best way to solve any problem.
See, when you blame someone, you
don't have to take any action.
There's no need to reflect.
You simply ask the question, who's responsible?
Whose fault is this?
And it doesn't matter who it is because the important thing is
it ain't me.
[laughter, applause]
So, Hasan, apologize.
Don't you want Hasan to apologize?
[cheering]
Apologize to the good people, the American people
about derailing a train in Ohio.
OK.
America, I'm sorry for being responsible for the train
derailment in East Palestine.
[laughter]
I don't know.
It felt forced.
It was forced.
And that's the problem because you--
you need to take responsibility.
OK, you know what?
Thank you so much, Dulce.
Fine.
I take responsibility.
All right, when we come back, I'm
going to finally solve my Twitter addiction,
so don't go away.
Dulce Sloan, everyone.
[applause]
Welcome back to The Daily Show.
Tonight, I want to share something
that's been on my mind.
Let me ask you guys a question.
Who here is on Twitter?
[cheering]
OK, I-- that's too many people.
The guy-- the guy who said no, that's a normal person
right there.
I trust you.
Now, by now, you probably know Elon Musk recently bought
Twitter for $44 billion.
Yeah.
And since Elon's takeover, all I see on Twitter
is Twitter sucks.
We should leave Twitter.
Elon ruined Twitter.
But here's the thing, guys.
Elon didn't make Twitter terrible.
Twitter has been terrible for years because of us.
No, you can't dunk on Elon.
It's us.
Twitter is the shittiest platform on planet Earth.
It's worse than Tinder.
And Tinder gives you genital herpes, OK?
But as bad as it gets, no one ever leaves.
Oh, but, Hasan, I can't leave Twitter.
It's the digital town square.
No, it's not.
Twitter is not a town square.
It's Times Square.
Have you been to Times Square?
It's [bleep] terrifying.
You got the M&M store, Mexican Elmo, a guy masturbating,
ads for DraftKings.com.
I'm like, can someone just stab me in the eye and take me out
of this hell?
Oh, but, Hasan, we have to be a part of the discourse.
This is a place for discourse.
Fine.
Let's talk about the discourse.
Has Twitter ever changed anyone's mind on anything?
Is someone like, you know, I used
to think canceling student debt was a bad idea,
but it makes a lot more sense with hand clap emojis.
[laughter]
Oh-- oh, you think we're going to convince
Florida's government to stop banning books with a thread?
Here's a thread.
They've already made it pretty clear they're
not big on reading.
But, Hasan.
Hasan, no, no, I can't leave Twitter.
Everybody's on Twitter.
No, they're not.
Only a small minority of dorks even use Twitter.
Yeah, by the way-- by the way.
And only 10% of those dorks create 80% of the content.
It's a minority of a minority.
There are more country music stars named
Luke than people who tweet.
It just feels like everyone's on it because the news
media is on it.
So journalists see three people tweet about something,
and they're like, everybody's talking about this.
Who the [bleep] is everybody?
Ballsack79 is everybody?
But they go, quote tweet.
Quote tweet. Quote tweet.
This.
But this was nothing.
This was not discourse.
This was three people.
OK, now-- now to the people that
gave it up that were like, I use Twitter,
I will give you this.
I'll give you this.
Twitter has been helpful for boosting the MeToo movement
and spotlighting police brutality,
but it has to be used in dire circumstances.
That should be the captcha for Twitter.
When you log in, it shouldn't ask
you to pick three stoplights.
It should ask you, are you reporting a natural disaster,
an authoritarian government, whistleblowing,
harassment by the police, or are you defending Beyoncé?
Then and only then should you get to tweet.
Outside of that, what the [bleep] is
the upside of anyone tweeting?
Why should I tweet?
Why should you tweet?
Think of the process.
You share your opinion, you argue with people,
and then potentially lose your job.
That's if you're a civilian or a celebrity.
It's a platform with no dialogue,
no grace, no forgiveness.
It's all ISIS beheadings and clout.
And the only thing worse than Twitter's features
are its users.
Not the lurkers.
Lurkers, we're normal.
I'm talking about the power users flooding your timeline.
The amount these psychos tweet is on another level.
George Takei has tweeted 103,000 times since he joined.
That comes out to 23 tweets a day.
George, you can have opinions, but I shouldn't be
able to set my watch to them.
Dude, Mike Cernovich has tweeted 200,000 times.
That's 48 tweets a day.
How the [bleep] do you have that many opinions?
I'm a guy and I only have two opinions.
I love the Sacramento Kings and, real talk,
Chipotle has kind of fallen off.
That's it.
Wajahat Ali.
He's a friend of mine and a writer for the New York Times.
Brag.
Waj has tweeted 185,200 times.
Waj, I have a message from your family.
We miss you, Dad.
Look up.
I don't care what side of the aisle you're on.
Put the crack pipe down and leave Twitter
like you said you would.
What happened to the mass exodus when Elon took over?
I thought all you guys were going to Twitter Canada.
Mastodon.
Find me on Mastodon.
You can catch me on Mastodon, you [bleep] cowards.
And for the people who still think it has value,
you're wrong.
You know this deep down.
You [bleep] feel it here.
You bitch about Elon all the time, but you won't quit.
You don't even have the willpower
to live up to your own values.
You don't give a [bleep] about your values.
You don't give a [bleep].
You care more about your brand than progress.
You don't want to write on Twitter.
You want to write on Succession,
but you're not talented enough to write for Succession,
and neither am I.
I want out of the media grip.
Do you understand?
I want my mind back.
I [bleep] hate this place.
I hate Twitter.
I want out.
Give me my mind back.
Free my mind from [bleep] Yashar Ali's tweets.
Please. - Help!
Help!
What am I doing?
My daughter is here.
What am I doing?
Oh, my god.
I'm the living embodiment of Twitter.
I'm judging other people without changing
anything about myself.
Let me channel the fake Gandhi quote I saw on Twitter.
[laughter]
Maybe I need to be the change I wish to see in the world.
[bleep] this.
I'm leaving Twitter.
I'm leaving this hellscape right now.
Let's do this right now.
You think I'm lying? I'm doing this.
This is real.
And just like everybody on Twitter,
I'm making a long, annoying announcement about it
right here.
You got that?
Yeah, let's do it.
[bleep] yeah.
Let's get the [bleep] out of here.
Deactivate.
Yes, deactivate.
Goodbye.
I'm gone.
I'm free.
[cheering, applause]
So what do I do now?
I guess I can actually go to the town square
and meet people in real life, hang out with my wife,
kiss my children, you know, touch grass.
It's a big world out there.
And I want to live in it.
We had a fun ride, trolls and bad faith actors.
Oh, and by the way, if you hate this on Twitter,
I could give a [bleep] because I'm not there.
Join me in the real world.
And, hey, in case I don't see you, good afternoon,
good evening, and good night.
[cheering, applause]
[cheering]
Thank you.
Welcome back to The Daily Show.
My guest tonight had to cancel at the last minute.
But that's OK because it allows me
to bring out one of my favorite human beings
in the entire world.
It's her birthday, so please give it up for my daughter.
[cheering]
How old are you?
Five.
Really?
Oh, man.
How does it feel to be five?
Good.
Yeah?
Let me ask you a question.
How old is your brother?
Three.
Do you like him?
Yes.
What's he like?
He likes me.
Really?
He likes you?
Yes.
Are you a good big sister?
Yes.
What's your favorite color?
Pink and purple.
OK.
[cheering]
What's your favorite book?
Little Babaji.
Little Babaji?
[laughs] OK.
OK.
I've never asked you this.
But what does daddy do?
Work.
Work?
No, but what is my work?
Hmm.
- It's what? - Kiki?
It's Kiki?
[laughs] OK.
Everyone, I rarely get to do this.
I'm only here for a week.
But I think we should all sing baby girl
happy birthday since this is her birthday today.
[cheering]
Should we do this?
All right, here we go.
3, 2, 1.
(SINGING) Happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday dear baby girl.
Happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday.
[cheering]
OK.
We're going to take a quick break.
We'll be right back after this.
[cheering]
Well, that's it for our show tonight.
Do you have something to say?
(WHISPERING) Here's your Moment of Zen.
Your Moment of Zen.
[cheering]
Eighth graders' math proficiency
dropped by 7 points.
Reading levels dropped by 2 points.
Here's what is shocking to me.
There are 1,000,524--
524 and 481-- this is over 1 million, 1.5 million--
ANNOUNCER: MTV.