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READY TO GO.
♪ ♪
Announcer: FROM
NEW YORK CITY, THE ONLY CITY IN

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00:00:31,898 --> 00:00:36,903
AMERICA, IT'S THE SHOW THAT
INVENTED NEWS.
THIS IS "THE DAILY SHOW" WITH
YOUR HOST, HASAN MINHAJ!

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00:00:36,903 --> 00:00:42,041
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪ ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Hasan: THANK YOU!

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00:00:42,041 --> 00:00:45,912
WELCOME TO "THE DAILY SHOW!"
I'M HASAN MINHAJ!
AND IT'S MY LAST NIGHT AS GUEST
HOST!

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00:00:45,912 --> 00:00:49,482
IT'S OVER!
SETTLE IN!
SETTLE IN!
IT'S MY LAST NIGHT AS GUEST

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00:00:49,482 --> 00:00:52,919
HOST!
IT'S OVER!
I STRIPPED THE BED AND I LEFT
THE SHEETS ON THE WASHER AND

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00:00:52,919 --> 00:01:02,762
DRYER!
NOW GIVE ME BACK MY DEPOSIT,
COMEDY CENTRAL!
BUT FIRST, WE GOT A SHOW TO DO.

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00:01:02,762 --> 00:01:06,599
SO LET'S GET INTO HEADLINES!
♪ ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
NOW AS I SAID, THIS IS MY LAST

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00:01:06,599 --> 00:01:10,403
NIGHT HERE, BUT AS AN INDIAN AND
AN AMERICAN, I CAN'T LEAVE
WITHOUT SHITTING ON
THE UNITED KINGDOM.

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00:01:10,403 --> 00:01:14,641
SO LET'S TALK ABOUT THE LATEST
DRAMA IN THE ROYAL FAMILY.
BECAUSE APPARENTLY,
PRINCE ANDREW IS PISSED THAT HIS

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00:01:14,641 --> 00:01:25,785
BROTHER, KING CHARLES, IS TRYING
TO MOVE HIM OUT OF HIS 30-ROOM
MANSION AND INTO THE TINY
TEN-ROOM FROGMORE COTTAGE.

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[AUDIENCE REACTS]
FIRST OF ALL, I GET WHY HE'S
UPSET -- THAT'S BARELY ENOUGH
SPACE FOR A TEENAGE SEX DUNGEON.

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00:01:34,561 --> 00:01:37,664
BUT SECOND,
WHY ARE YOU COMPLAINING?
YOUR HOUSE HAS A NAME.
ANY HOUSE WITH A NAME IS NEXT

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00:01:37,664 --> 00:01:46,039
LEVEL.
MY HOUSE JUST HAS A NUMBER, LIKE
A PEASANT!
MOVING ON.

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00:01:46,039 --> 00:01:53,012
ACCORDING TO A NEW SURVEY, THE
AVERAGE TOOTH FAIRY PAYOUT HAS
NOW HIT A RECORD
$6.23 PER TOOTH.

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00:01:53,012 --> 00:02:05,825
WHICH IS INSANE.
POOR NICK CANNON'S GONNA BE
BROKE BY THE END OF THIS YEAR!
[LAUGHS]

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00:02:05,825 --> 00:02:14,801
AS A PARENT, I WANT TO KNOW WHAT
OTHER DADS THINK OF THIS, SO
THAT IS WHY I TURN TO FELLOW
DAD, ROY WOOD JR.!

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00:02:14,801 --> 00:02:26,112
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Hasan: ROY, I KNOW YOUR SON
IS GETTING TO TOOTH LOSING AGE.

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00:02:26,112 --> 00:02:32,485
THEY ARE GETTING JIGGLY.
Hasan: IS HE GETTING THE
SWEET SIX BLOCKS FROM THE
TOOTH FAIRY?

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HELL NO!
I DID THE RESPONSIBLE THING, AND
TOLD MY SON THE TOOTH FAIRY'S
DEAD.

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00:02:37,056 --> 00:02:44,764
Hasan: WHAT?
YOU TOLD HIM THE TOOTH FAIRY IS
DEAD?
SHE'S GONE?

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00:02:44,764 --> 00:02:51,104
SHE IS GONE, SHE TRIPPED OVER
MY SON'S TOYS THAT HE LEFT
LAYING ALL OVER THE HOUSE.
SHE BROKE HER NECK AND CHOKED TO

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00:02:51,104 --> 00:02:59,579
DEATH ON HER OWN TONGUE.
Hasan: WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT
TO YOUR OWN KID?
WELL, HE'S GONNA PUT THOSE

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00:02:59,579 --> 00:03:06,452
DAMN TOYS UP.
I BET YOU HE WILL NOW.
I'M TIRED OF HIM NOT CLEANING
UP.

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00:03:06,452 --> 00:03:11,491
I'M TIRED OF BUYING INTO THE
SYSTEM.
LISTEN TO THIS, WE ARE PAYING
OUR KIDS JUST FOR LOSING TEETH.

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00:03:11,491 --> 00:03:17,997
WHAT ARE THEY LEARNING FROM
THAT?
ALL KIDS LEARNED THAT THEY CAN
SELL THEIR BODY PARTS FOR MONEY!

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00:03:17,997 --> 00:03:27,840
NO WONDER I SPENT MY WHOLE 20s
SELLING PLASMA, SELLING BLOOD,
SELLING SPERM, BONE MARROW,
DROPPED OFF A KIDNEY.

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00:03:27,840 --> 00:03:32,145
ALL THE TOOTH FAIRY DID WAS TO
TEACH ME TO TREAT MY BODY LIKE A
GARAGE SALE.
Hasan: BUT LOSING A TOOTH IS

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A BIG MOMENT.
HE SHOULD GET SOMETHING.
HE IS GETTING SOMETHING!
HE'S GETTING A NEW TRUTH.

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00:03:41,120 --> 00:03:46,259
THAT ARE SURPRISED!
YOU GET TO KEEP CHEWING.
LET'S BE REAL, HASAN, WHERE DOES
IT END?

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WHO IS TOOTH NUMBER $6, OH, YOU
GOT YOUR FIRST ZIT, HERE'S $10,
YOUR BODY KEEPS CHANGING, I'M
GOING TO HAVE TO

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KEEP TIPPING THIS [BLEEP] FOR
GROWING BACK HAIR?
NO!
HE GETS ONE PRESENT ON HIS

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BIRTHDAY, AND THAT'S IT.
Hasan: CHRISTMAS?
SANTA'S DEAD, TOO.
I TAUGHT MY SON THAT SANTA CLAUS

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DIED FROM TOO MUCH SCREEN TIME
ON THE iPAD.
Hasan: LISTEN, MAN, FOR
YOUR SON'S SAKE, JUST HERE, GIVE

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00:04:16,456 --> 00:04:29,002
THIS TO HENRY, TELL HIM IT IS
FROM UNCLE HASAN, OKAY?
HE LOST TWO TEETH.
Hasan: ALL RIGHT,

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00:04:29,002 --> 00:04:37,577
ROY WOOD JR., EVERYBODY.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
WHEN WE GET BACK, WE ARE GOING
TO FIND OUT WHY WE ARE IN THE

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00:04:37,577 --> 00:04:38,578
GOLDEN AGE OF DRIFTING, SO DON'T

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[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Hasan: WELCOME BACK TO
"THE DAILY SHOW."

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00:05:07,874 --> 00:05:11,878
YOU KNOW, OVER THE PAST COUPLE
OF YEARS, I'VE BEEN NOTICING
SOMETHING.
DO YOU GUYS FEEL LIKE

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00:05:11,878 --> 00:05:16,583
SCAM ARTISTS ARE EVERYWHERE?
RIGHT?
YOU
YOU OBVIOUSLY HEARD ABOUT FTX?

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THE CRYPTOCURRENCY EXCHANGE THAT
LOST $8 BILLION OF INVESTOR
DEPOSITS BASED ON THE REPUTATION
OF THIS ELECTROCUTED 9-YEAR-OLD?

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00:05:21,955 --> 00:05:29,830
YEAH.
IT WAS INSANE.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT WAS CRAZIER?
THE PEOPLE WHO HELPED HIM DO IT.

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I'M EXCITED TO BE PARTNERING
WITH FTX TO HELP MAKE CRYPTO
ACCESSIBLE FOR EVERYONE.
I'M ALL IN.

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ARE YOU?
WITH FTX, I HAVE EVERYTHING I
NEED TO BUY, SELL, AND TRADE
CRYPTO SAFELY.

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00:05:41,775 --> 00:05:46,379
I'M TRADING CRYPTO.
FTX IS THE SAFEST AND EASIEST
WAY TO BUY AND SELL CRYPTO.
IT'S THE BEST WAY TO GET IN THE

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GAME.
IF THERE'S EVER A PLACE I CAN
BE AND I'M NOT GOING TO BE IN
TROUBLE, IT'S GONNA BE AT FTX.

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00:05:53,653 --> 00:05:58,859
Hasan: WOW, KEVIN, THAT
PREDICTION AGED SO POORLY,
LEONARDO DiCAPRIO JUST BROKE UP
WITH IT.

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00:05:58,859 --> 00:06:05,532
OBVIOUSLY, FTX IS OLD NEWS.
BUT WHEN THE NEW CEO, JOHN RAY,
TOOK TOOK OVER THE COMPANY, HE
LOOKED AT THE BOOKS, AND HE SAID

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00:06:05,532 --> 00:06:11,771
ONE THING THAT I CANNOT FORGET.
HE SAID THAT HE HAS NEVER SEEN
SUCH A GROUP OF "INEXPERIENCED,
UNSOPHISTICATED, AND POTENTIALLY

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00:06:11,771 --> 00:06:22,549
COMPROMISED GROUP OF
INDIVIDUALS.
THIS DUDE SAID THAT THE
SITUATION WAS "UNPRECEDENTED,"

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00:06:22,549 --> 00:06:25,952
AND HE OVERSAW THE BANKRUPTCY OF
ENRON!
[LAUGHS]
OKAY?

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00:06:25,952 --> 00:06:33,793
THAT'S LIKE IF YOUR DOCTOR TOLD
YOU YOU HAD THE WEIRDEST PENIS
HE'D EVER SEEN.
AND THEN YOU FOUND OUT HIS OTHER

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00:06:33,793 --> 00:06:42,102
PATIENT WAS RUDY GIULIANI.
NOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE SAID
WE'RE LIVING IN THE GOLDEN AGE
OF GRIFTING.

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00:06:42,102 --> 00:06:49,910
THERE'S ARTICLES EVERYWHERE
ABOUT IT.
BUT IT'S NOT THE "GOLDEN AGE" OF
GRIFTING.

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00:06:49,910 --> 00:06:58,885
CAUSE THAT MAKES IT SOUND
SMART AND SOPHISTICATED.
THE TRUTH IS, THE GRIFTERS OF
OUR AGE ARE [BLEEP] MORONS.

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00:06:58,885 --> 00:07:09,863
JUST ABSOLUTE DIPSHITS.
SOFT-BRAINED NEANDERTHALS.
AND THAT IS THE PART THAT
BOTHERS ME SO MUCH.

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00:07:09,863 --> 00:07:17,971
I HAVE FRIENDS THAT I GREW UP
WITH THAT GOT DUPED BY THESE
CLOUD CHASING SOCIOPATHS.
THAT IS WHY WE NEED TO KNOW WHY

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IT HAS GOTTEN SO STUPID, SO WE
NEVER GET BACK HERE.
LET'S TALK ABOUT THE GOLDEN AGE
OF DIPSHITTERY IN OUR LATEST

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00:07:23,376 --> 00:07:32,185
INSTALLMENT OF "LONG STORY
SHORT."
♪ ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

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00:07:32,185 --> 00:07:42,162
DO YOU GUYS REMEMBER THE '08
FINANCIAL CRISIS?
YES, IT WAS SO COMPLICATED.
REMEMBER "THE BIG SHORT?"

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00:07:42,162 --> 00:07:52,505
WHAT THE HELL WAS A CREDIT
DEFAULT SWAP?
I HAVE NO IDEA!
MARGOT ROBBIE EXPLAINED IT NAKED

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00:07:52,505 --> 00:07:58,945
IN A BATH TUB
AND I STILL COULDN'T GET IT!
BUT THE SCANDALS OR THEY ARE
TRULY IDIOTIC.

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00:07:58,945 --> 00:08:03,083
TAKE COINBASE.
VERY LEGIT APP.
I HAVE IT ON MY PHONE.
BUT IT WAS RECENTLY AT THE

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00:08:03,083 --> 00:08:12,359
CENTER OF THE FIRST CRYPTO
INSIDER TRADING SCANDAL.
NOW YOU ARE PROBABLY THINKING,
WOW, HASAN, CRYPTO, THAT'S GOT

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00:08:12,359 --> 00:08:20,333
TO BE COMPLICATED RIGHT?
WRONG!
ACCORDING TO THE DOJ, HERE'S HOW
IT WORKED:

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RIGHT BEFORE COINBASE LISTED A
NEW COIN, THIS DORK WHO WORKED
AT COINBASE PROTECTS HIS LITTLE
BROTHER TO TELL HIM TO BUY THAT

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00:08:28,208 --> 00:08:38,518
POINT AND AT THIS POINT, THEY
JUST TEXTED THE DOLLAR SIGN AND
EYE EMOJI.
YOU KNOW, UNIVERSAL SIGN FOR

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00:08:38,518 --> 00:08:43,790
UNIVERSAL TRADING, ZERO
SUBTLETY.
IT GETS EVEN DUMBER.
WHEN COINBASE CAUGHT HIM AND TRY

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00:08:43,790 --> 00:08:52,866
TO BRING HIM IN, ISHAN WAHI
EMAILED HIS COWORKERS THAT HE
WOULD BE "OUT INDEFINITELY
BECAUSE HE HAD TO FLY BACK TO

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00:08:52,866 --> 00:09:02,108
INDIA OVERNIGHT."
ISHAN, YOU [BLEEP] DUMBASS.
YOU'RE FLEEING THE COUNTRY.
YOU DON'T PING H.R. ON SLACK.

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00:09:02,108 --> 00:09:08,181
"HEY, CAROL, RUNNING FROM THE
LAW.
JUST LOOPING YOU IN.
JUST BUMPING THIS FOR

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00:09:08,181 --> 00:09:19,359
VISIBILITY.
THANKS!"
NOW, OBVIOUSLY, CRYPTO IS FULL
OF IDIOTS.

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00:09:19,359 --> 00:09:24,831
BUT THIS DIPSHIT GRIFTING
INDUSTRY IS EVERYWHERE!
SO DON'T FEEL BAD IF YOU'VE BEEN
DUPED.

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00:09:24,831 --> 00:09:29,402
EVEN JPMORGAN GOT SWING GOLD.
TAKE THE CASE OF
CHARLIE JAVICE.
SHE FOUNDED A START-UP CALLED

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00:09:29,402 --> 00:09:35,608
"FRANK."
AND SHE CLAIMED TO HAVE A USER
BASE OF ALMOST 4 MILLION
CUSTOMERS.

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00:09:35,608 --> 00:09:46,686
AND IN 2021, JP MORGAN BOUGHT
HER COMPANY FOR $175 MILLION.
SHE WAS IN "FORBES."
SHE WAS THE FUTURE!

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00:09:46,686 --> 00:09:53,493
BUT NOW THEY'RE SUING HER
BECAUSE IT TURNS OUT THOSE
4 MILLION CUSTOMERS SHE HAD --
OH, SHE MADE 'EM UP!

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00:09:53,493 --> 00:10:03,703
ALMOST ALL OF THEM WERE FAKE!
AND DO YOU KNOW HOW JP MORGAN
FOUND OUT THEY WERE FAKE?
AFTER THEY BOUGHT THE COMPANY,

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00:10:03,703 --> 00:10:10,577
WHICH IS [BLEEP] STUPID,
THEY E-MAILED THE LIST, AND
THEN 70% OF THE EMAILS BOUNCED
BACK.

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00:10:10,577 --> 00:10:21,187
THAT'S RIGHT!
THE PERSON WHO BLEW THE LID OFF
THIS INTRICATE PLOT WAS...
MAILER-DAEMON!

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00:10:21,187 --> 00:10:27,660
WHAT THE [BLEEP] IS GOING ON?
I THINK THERE ARE THREE FACTORS.
NUMBER ONE,
MILLENNIALS HAVE THREE TIMES

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00:10:27,660 --> 00:10:34,434
LESS MONEY THAN BOOMERS DID AT
THE SAME AGE.
SO WE HAVE THIS FEELING IS
MILLENNIALS WHERE WE WANT TO

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00:10:34,434 --> 00:10:44,244
CATCH UP, PAY FOR THAT MARRIAGE,
THAT MORTGAGE.
WE FEEL BEHIND THE GAME AND WE
HAVE TO COME UP FAST, AND GEN X,

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00:10:44,244 --> 00:10:48,882
BUT WHO CARES ABOUT THEM.
NUMBER TWO:
0% INTEREST RATES PLUS TWO COVID
STIMULUS BILLS PUMPED A HUGE

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00:10:48,882 --> 00:10:59,592
AMOUNT OF MONEY INTO THE SYSTEM.
AND THE THIRD REASON THERE IS
MORE GRIFTING THAN EVER MIGHT BE
THE MOST IMPORTANT DETAIL:

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00:10:59,592 --> 00:11:05,298
SOCIAL MEDIA.
FROM THE MOMENT YOU WAKE UP AND
PULL OUT YOUR PHONE, THESE
GRIFTERS HAVE ROOT ACCESS TO

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00:11:05,298 --> 00:11:10,403
YOUR BRAIN.
AND IT'S NEVER BEEN EASIER FOR
TOTAL IDIOTS TO PASS THEMSELVES
OFF AS STOCK MARKET GURUS TO

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00:11:10,403 --> 00:11:20,346
MILLIONS OF PEOPLE.
AND THERE IS NO IDIOT MORE TOTAL
THAN THIS GUY.
MY NAME IS TOMMY, I'M FROM

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00:11:20,346 --> 00:11:26,820
TEL AVIV, ISRAEL.
NOW I LIVE IN BEVERLY HILLS,
CALIFORNIA.
LAST YEAR, I TURNED $3,000 IN

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00:11:26,820 --> 00:11:37,230
$4 MILLION DOLLARS.
WE USED TO BE BROKE!
I AM A STOCK TRADER.
[BLEEP] M-E-I-P, HOLY SHIT.

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00:11:37,230 --> 00:11:46,306
AND I AM ALSO THE NUMBER 61
DJ ON THE PLANET.
Hasan: THIS IS TOMMY
COOPERMAN, AKA THE NUMBER 61 DJ

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00:11:46,306 --> 00:11:58,117
ON THE PLANET.
BUT HE'S HOPING TO DROP DOWN TO
69, SO HE CAN GO BY
DJ NOICE.

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00:11:58,117 --> 00:12:08,528
TOMMY AND A BUNCH OF HIS FRIENDS
PROMOTED THEMSELVES ON TWITTER
AS FINANCIAL GURUS.
FOLLOW THEM, AND YOU COULD BE A

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00:12:08,528 --> 00:12:12,265
BALLER.
AND THEY AMASSED HUGE
FOLLOWINGS.
BECAUSE THEY LOOK REALLY COOL,

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00:12:12,265 --> 00:12:20,840
RIGHT?
ESPECIALLY THE GUY DOING THIS.
[BLEEP] YEAH, DUDE.
[BLEEP] YEAH, DUDE.

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00:12:20,840 --> 00:12:27,647
BUT I WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS
GUY
ZACK MORRIS.
WITH A PHOTOSHOPPED HEAD OF

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00:12:27,647 --> 00:12:35,655
ZACK MORRIS.
THAT'S EDWARD CONSTANTIN.
IN REALITY, EDWARD LOVES TO GO
ON TWITTER AND SHOW OFF HIS

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00:12:35,655 --> 00:12:40,994
CARS, HIS SHOES, AND HIS
SCOOTERS.
THAT'S RIGHT, LADIES.
SCOOTERS.

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00:12:40,994 --> 00:12:48,902
EDWARD LOVES SCOOTERS.
HE RIDES THEM ALL THE TIME WHILE
BEING REALLY COOL.
LOTTA PEOPLE ARE LOOKING AT

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00:12:48,902 --> 00:12:54,440
ME AND THEY'RE LIKE, "DAMN, THAT
DUDE IS SO COOL."
AND DO I BLAME 'EM?
NO, CAUSE I AM PRETTY [BLEEP]

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00:12:54,440 --> 00:12:59,612
COOL.
I'M MAKING $100,000, I DON'T
KNOW WHAT THE [BLEEP] YOU'RE
DOING WITH YOUR LIFE.

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00:12:59,612 --> 00:13:07,487
EVALUATE IT.
CHANGE SOME THINGS AROUND.
MAYBE GET RID OF YOUR WIFE, YOUR
KIDS, OR WHATEVER'S HOLDING YOU

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00:13:07,487 --> 00:13:11,925
BACK.
SO, YEAH, GUYS, JUST YOU CAN DO
IT, TOO.
JUST GET A BIKE AND START MAKING

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00:13:11,925 --> 00:13:26,673
$100,000 A DAY.
Hasan: I CAN HONESTLY SAY I
HAVE NEVER PRAYED HARDER FOR A
CAR DOOR TO OPEN.

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00:13:26,673 --> 00:13:31,377
[APPLAUSE]
OKAY.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THE QUESTION WAS, HOW WERE THESE

106
00:13:31,377 --> 00:13:38,451
GUYS GETTING SO RICH FROM
TRADING STOCKS?
AND THE SUSPICION WAS, THEY WERE
RUNNING A PUMP-AND-DUMP SCAM.

107
00:13:38,451 --> 00:13:45,258
THAT'S WHERE YOU BUY A STOCK,
YOU HYPE IT UP TO YOUR FOLLOWERS
SO THEY BUY IT,
WHICH PUSHES THE PRICE UP, THEN

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00:13:45,258 --> 00:13:54,200
YOU SECRETLY SELL YOUR STOCK,
AND INNOCENT PEOPLE GET LEFT
HOLDING THE BAG.
AND YOU'D THINK THEY WOULD HIDE

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00:13:54,200 --> 00:14:00,540
THE EVIDENCE, RIGHT?
NOPE!
EDDIE WOULD REGULARLY POST
PICTURES LIKE THIS.

110
00:14:00,540 --> 00:14:14,621
OR HE WOULD REGULARLY TWEET HE
LOVED PUMPING AND DUMPING.
AND THEN POSTED A PHOTO OF HIM
AND HIS FRIEND FLIPPING OFF THE

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00:14:14,621 --> 00:14:24,364
SEC.
[BLEEP] YEAH, BRO.
IT WENT ON UNTIL THE SEC SAID,
UM, NO, [BLEEP] YOU.

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00:14:24,364 --> 00:14:31,504
INVOLVING SEVERAL CAME DOCK
MARKET INFLUENCERS.
THE SEC AND DOJ ARE CHARGING
EIGHT SOCIAL MEDIA INFLUENCERS

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00:14:31,504 --> 00:14:37,677
IN THE SO-CALLED PUMP AND DUMP.
PROSECUTORS HAVE MISTAKENLY
RECORDED VOICE CHAT WHERE THE
INFLUENCERS EVEN BRAG ABOUT THE

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00:14:37,677 --> 00:14:45,685
ALLEGED SCHEME, SAYING, "
"WE ARE ROBBING [BLEEP] IDIOTS
OUT OF THEIR MONEY."
Hasan: OH, MY GOD.

115
00:14:45,685 --> 00:14:55,795
THESE MOUTH BREATHING MORONS
SNITCHED ON THEMSELVES.
"OH, [BLEEP] YOU KNOW, BRO."
NOW I GOT TO GIVE PROPS TO THE

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00:14:55,795 --> 00:15:04,904
SEC.
THEY ARE CLEARLY STARTING TO
SEND A SIGNAL TO ALL
GRIFTERS THAT

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00:15:04,904 --> 00:15:09,409
IT IS 2023 AND THE PARTY IS
OVER.
LAST YEAR, THE SEC COLLECTED A
RECORD $6.4 BILLION IN PENALTIES

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00:15:09,409 --> 00:15:15,081
WITH NO SIGN OF SLOWING DOWN.
WHO KNOWS IF THESE GUYS ARE
GOING TO GO TO JAIL BUT THE SEC
IS MAKING AN EXAMPLE OUT OF THEM

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00:15:15,081 --> 00:15:22,155
AND IT IS WORKING.
AFTER THE SEC CHARGED THEM, ALL
OF THEM STOPPED TWEETING OR
DELETED THEIR ACCOUNTS.

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00:15:22,155 --> 00:15:32,765
ALL THOSE SCOOTER DOUCHE LEFT US
AS ONE EPIC FINAL TWEET.
"I LOVE MY HOMIES ON HERE, THE
REST OF YOU CAN KEEP SWINGING ON

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00:15:32,765 --> 00:15:41,140
MY NUTS."
[LAUGHS]
OKAY.
I HAVE TO ADMIT, THAT IS KIND OF

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00:15:41,140 --> 00:15:48,881
FUNNY.
IT'S FUNNY!
IT'S FUNNY, IT'S FUNNY.
BUT ONE OF THE TOP RESPONSES TO

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00:15:48,881 --> 00:16:00,393
THAT TWEET IS NOT FUNNY.
AND IT REMINDS ME OF THE PEOPLE
I KNOW THAT ALSO GOT DUPED.
ONE OF THE TOP RESPONSES, THIS

124
00:16:00,393 --> 00:16:04,864
DUDE WRITES,
"SHAME ON ME.
I USED TO DEFEND THESE GUYS,
THINKING THEY WERE GOING TO HELP

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00:16:04,864 --> 00:16:09,802
ME PAY OFF MY WIFE'S MEDICAL
BILLS AFTER HER FIGHTING
BREAST CANCER.
I KNOW I'M THE ONE THAT CLICKED

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00:16:09,802 --> 00:16:20,847
THE BUY BUTTON, BUT DAMN, I LOST
A TON OF MONEY FOLLOWING THEIR
TRADES."
THIS IS THE TRUE DAMAGE OF THE

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00:16:20,847 --> 00:16:24,784
GRIFT.
THIS IS WHY THERE NEEDS TO BE
CONSEQUENCES.
AND THE GOOD NEWS IS: THERE CAN

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00:16:24,784 --> 00:16:34,327
BE.
IF YOU THINK SOMEONE IS RUNNING
A SCAM ON TWITTER OR TIKTOK, BE
A SNITCH.

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00:16:34,327 --> 00:16:40,199
YES!
HASAN MINHAJ IS SAYING, SNITCH!
I AM PRO SNITCHING.
THE SEC HAS A WEBSITE TO SUBMIT

130
00:16:40,199 --> 00:16:54,013
TIPS ANONYMOUSLY.
YOU CAN GO TO THIS WEBSITE AND
SNITCH ON DIP SHIT GRIFTERS.
GRIFTERS.

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START CALLING THESE [BLEEP]S
OUT, START DROP KICKING THEM
WITH CONSEQUENCES BECAUSE IF YOU
ARE NOT,

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IN THE WORDS OF THE GREAT
SCOOTER PHILOSOPHER:
"I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE [BLEEP]
YOU'RE DOING WITH YOUR LIFE."

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WHEN WE COME BACK, I WILL TALK
TO ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO WERE

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WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Hasan: WELCOME BACK TO
"THE DAILY SHOW"!

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00:17:44,797 --> 00:17:49,235
MY GUEST TONIGHT IS A
"SHARK TANK" INVESTOR AND A
VENTURE CAPITALIST.
PLEASE WELCOME KEVIN O'LEARY!

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00:17:49,235 --> 00:17:58,845
♪ ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
KEVIN O'LEARY, LADIES AND
GENTLEMAN!

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00:17:58,845 --> 00:18:03,816
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THEY KNOW YOU!
NICE TO SEE YOU.
YOU TOO.

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00:18:03,816 --> 00:18:07,854
Hasan: WHAT'S HAPPENING?
WELL, I AM JUST GRIFTING
THROUGH TOWN.
[LAUGHTER]

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00:18:07,854 --> 00:18:11,557
Hasan: OH, MAN, THANK YOU FOR
COMING ON THE SHOW.
I WANT TO SAY THIS FIRST AND
FOREMOST.

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00:18:11,557 --> 00:18:16,029
I ALWAYS GIVE PEOPLE THEIR
FLOWERS.
SO I WANT TO SAY, ME AND MY DAD
LOVE YOU ON "SHARK TANK."

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00:18:16,029 --> 00:18:23,236
APPRECIATE THAT.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Hasan: YES, "SHARK TANK" IS
ONE OF THOSE SHOWS A FAMILY CAN

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00:18:23,236 --> 00:18:28,608
SIT DOWN, WE CAN WATCH IT
TOGETHER, IT'S AMAZING.
NOW YOU HAVE BEEN MAKING THE
ROUNDS, WE WERE SPEAKING

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00:18:28,608 --> 00:18:33,946
BACKSTAGE, JUST TO GIVE EVERYONE
CONTEXT, OBVIOUSLY, WE ARE
TALKING ABOUT CRYPTO, FTX, YOU
HAVE BEEN MAKING THE ROUNDS,

144
00:18:33,946 --> 00:18:42,689
TESTIFYING BEFORE CONGRESS,
GOING ON "SQUAWK BOX" 78 TIMES,
AND EVERYBODY IS ASKING YOU
ABOUT YOUR ENDORSEMENT OF FTX,

145
00:18:42,689 --> 00:18:49,796
THE $15 MILLION BAG, BUT NOBODY
IS ASKING YOU, HOW ARE YOU
DOING?
HOW ARE YOU FEELING?

146
00:18:49,796 --> 00:18:54,934
WELL, LET'S JUST GET THE
NUMBERS RIGHT.
IT WAS $18 MILLION.
Hasan: 18!

147
00:18:54,934 --> 00:19:00,573
IT IS ALL GONE AND I GET IT.
YOU GOT TO UNDERSTAND SOMETHING
ABOUT VENTURE INVESTING.
FTX WAS NOTHING BUT A START UP,

148
00:19:00,573 --> 00:19:14,954
OKAY?
BASICALLY, 18 MONTHS OLD, THAT
WAS IT.
SO AT THE END OF THE DAY, IT

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00:19:14,954 --> 00:19:21,160
IS VERY UNFORTUNATE.
Hasan: BECAUSE YOU DO DO
YOUR DUE DILIGENCE.
I HAVE SEEN YOU, YOU ARE A

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00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:24,564
SAVAGE.
I DO.
Hasan: HAVE YOU SEEN HIM
WHEN HE IS ON "SHARK TANK"?

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00:19:24,564 --> 00:19:28,968
IF SOMEONE DOESN'T COME CORRECT
WITH THE DUE DILIGENCE, YOU
SUPLEX THEM THROUGH THE [BLEEP]
TABLE.

152
00:19:28,968 --> 00:19:32,505
PLAY IT!
IT'S CRAZY, CHECK IT OUT.
I LOOK AT THE VALUATION AND I
SAY, ARE YOU GUYS OUT OF YOUR

153
00:19:32,505 --> 00:19:36,509
FREAKING MIND?
WHAT STOPS SOMEBODY WHO KNOWS
HOW TO MAKE SURE HOW TO DELIVER
THEM TO THIS AND MAKE A LOT OF

154
00:19:36,509 --> 00:19:41,914
MONEY AND CRUSH YOU LIKE THE
COCKROACH THAT YOU ARE?
THIS IS A VERY BAD IDEA.
TAKE IT OUT BEHIND THE BARN AND

155
00:19:41,914 --> 00:19:47,854
SHOOT IT.
I GET THE COMPASSION PIECE
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I WOULD BE
CRYING ABOUT?

156
00:19:47,854 --> 00:19:55,862
THE FACT YOU ARE NOT MAKING A
PROFIT.
IF YOU ARE IN ONE OF MY
BUSINESS GROUPS, I WOULD SPRAY

157
00:19:55,862 --> 00:20:04,103
YOU DOWN WITH WATER AND EVERY
TIME YOU SAID I DON'T KNOW, I
WOULD HIT YOU WITH AN ELECTRIC
CATTLE PROD.

158
00:20:04,103 --> 00:20:11,210
Hasan: [LAUGHS]
DON'T BOO.
DON'T BOO.
DON'T BOO.

159
00:20:11,210 --> 00:20:15,782
I AM SERIOUS, KEVIN O'LEARY CAME
ON THE SHOW, AND HE WAS MAN
ENOUGH TO COME ON THE SHOW AND
WE ARE HAVING THE CONVERSATION,

160
00:20:15,782 --> 00:20:23,389
WE SPOKE BACKSTAGE AND WE WERE
POLITE TO ONE ANOTHER AND WE ARE
GOING TO BE POLITE SO WE ARE NOT
GOING TO DO THAT BOOING STUFF.

161
00:20:23,389 --> 00:20:29,862
I MEAN THAT SINCERELY.
BELIEVE ME, I CAN TAKE IT!
Hasan: I KNOW.
[LAUGHTER]

162
00:20:29,862 --> 00:20:33,833
LISTEN --
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THIS IS ABOUT -- THIS IS ABOUT
DOING THE DUE DILIGENCE, THAT IS

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00:20:33,833 --> 00:20:41,908
WHAT SPRAYING THAT PERSON DOWN
AND BUZZING THEM WITH A CATTLE
PROD.
SO OBVIOUSLY, OBVIOUSLY, SBF AND

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00:20:41,908 --> 00:20:53,085
FTX, YOUR BOY, HAS LOST
$8 BILLION OF INVESTOR FUNDS
AND CLEARLY, FROM THE REPORTS,
NO ONE DID THEIR DUE DILIGENCE,

165
00:20:53,085 --> 00:20:57,857
SO I'M ASKING YOU ON BEHALF OF
"THE DAILY SHOW," WILL YOU FLY
TO PALO ALTO WHERE HE IS ON
HOUSE ARREST --

166
00:20:57,857 --> 00:21:10,069
AND SPRAY THIS [BLEEP] DOWN?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
AND GET OUT THE CATTLE PROD?
ENOUGH OF THE 40 APPEARANCES,

167
00:21:10,069 --> 00:21:18,511
ENOUGH OF THE FOUR MINUTE
SEGMENTS ON "SQUAWK BOX," LET'S
TAKE A SOUTHWEST FLIGHT TONIGHT.
LAYOVER IN CHICAGO, IT IS ON ME.

168
00:21:18,511 --> 00:21:26,953
WE LAND, SFO, MY DAD WILL PICK
US UP, AND WE WILL GO TO SBF.
I THINK IT IS A LITTLE
EXTREME.

169
00:21:26,953 --> 00:21:29,922
Hasan: OKAY.
JUST A LITTLE.
AT THE END OF THE DAY, THINK
ABOUT THIS --

170
00:21:29,922 --> 00:21:33,693
Hasan: AT THE END OF THE
DAY, A LOT OF PEOPLE LOST
MONEY, RETAIL GOT FLEECED,
THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED AT THE END

171
00:21:33,693 --> 00:21:40,399
OF THE DAY.
OKAY, DID LEHMAN BROTHERS
CHANGE ANYTHING?
ENRON, NO, BEAR STERNS, NO.

172
00:21:40,399 --> 00:21:48,241
LONG TERM CAPITAL, NO.
THERE IS ALWAYS GOING TO BE THE
BAD ACTORS.
Hasan: SURE.

173
00:21:48,241 --> 00:21:55,314
THIS IS CAPITALISM,
AND ALL OF US INVOLVED OWE AN
APOLOGY TO KNOW IT WAS AN
ALLEGED FRAUD BUT THIS HAPPENS

174
00:21:55,314 --> 00:22:00,786
FROM TIME TO TIME.
BUT IN MY MIND, I CAN GO TO
SLEEP EVERY NIGHT KNOWING THAT
IT WAS MY MONEY, I LOST IT, I

175
00:22:00,786 --> 00:22:05,825
ATE IT, SHAME ON ME.
THAT DOESN'T CHANGE WHAT I DO IN
THE MORNING.
I AM A VERY FORTUNATE GUY.

176
00:22:05,825 --> 00:22:10,563
I CAN TAKE HUGE HITS AND I CAN
MOVE ON AND KEEP GOING.
THAT IS THE ESSENCE OF
ENTREPRENEURSHIP.

177
00:22:10,563 --> 00:22:18,571
YOU WILL GET KICKED TO THE
GROUND ONCE IN A WHILE.
THIS WAS A BIG KICK IN THE --
WHERE IT HURTS.

178
00:22:18,571 --> 00:22:26,245
Hasan: YOU WANT TO TALK
ABOUT SMALL BUSINESSES, WE WILL
TALK ABOUT THAT, AND THEN WE
WILL DO MY PITCH.

179
00:22:26,245 --> 00:22:33,586
WHAT WE SHOULD BE WORRIED
ABOUT IS PAYER ATTENTION CREDIT.
THE GOVERNMENT HAS $250 BILLION
SITTING, WAITING FOR THEM TO

180
00:22:33,586 --> 00:22:37,957
PICK IT UP, ON THE PAYROLL,
BECAUSE THEY FORGOT TO GO GET
IT!
IT IS SITTING THERE.

181
00:22:37,957 --> 00:22:44,330
IF YOU HAVE A SMALL BUSINESS
BETWEEN FIVE AND 500 PEOPLE, YOU
CAN MAKE UP TO $26,000 AS A GIFT
FROM THE GOVERNMENT TOWARDS YOUR

182
00:22:44,330 --> 00:22:49,769
BUSINESS ONE TIME.
I AM POUNDING THE DRUM
EVERYWHERE I CAN TO TELL EVERY
COMPANY IN AMERICA THAT

183
00:22:49,769 --> 00:22:54,640
QUALIFIES -- BECAUSE YOU ONLY
HAVE 23 MORE MONTHS TO GET IT --
GO FILE.
GO FILE FOR IT.

184
00:22:54,640 --> 00:23:00,179
Hasan: THANK YOU FOR
SHARING THAT INFORMATION.
[APPLAUSE]
THAT IS A VERY IMPORTANT

185
00:23:00,179 --> 00:23:17,229
THING TO DO.
Hasan: OKAY.
I THINK YOU ARE GOOD,
I THINK YOU ARE ENTERTAINING ON

186
00:23:17,229 --> 00:23:19,865
"SHARK TANK."
WHEN YOU LEAVE THAT ENVIRONMENT
AND GIVE FINANCIAL ADVICE,
PEOPLE, REGULAR PEOPLE,

187
00:23:19,865 --> 00:23:24,837
POTENTIALLY GET HURT.
SO MY WHOLE POINT IS, MY
ACTUAL DAYTIME JOB IS MANAGING
CAPITAL, THAT IS WHAT I DO.

188
00:23:24,837 --> 00:23:28,674
AND I HAVE BEEN DOING IT FOR MY
30 YEARS.
YOU KNOW, IT IS A CAREER I AM
VERY PROUD OF AND I AM PROUD OF

189
00:23:28,674 --> 00:23:33,512
MY REPUTATION.
I HAD SOME MISTAKES AND LOSERS
AND BAD INVESTMENTS, JUST LIKE
EVERYBODY ELSE DOES.

190
00:23:33,512 --> 00:23:38,084
I WISH I COULD ONLY HAVE
WINNERS, I NEVER WILL.
EVERYONE THAT INVESTS HAVE
LEARNED, WHETHER I'M INVOLVED IN

191
00:23:38,084 --> 00:23:44,256
THEIR LIVES OR NOT, THAT THERE
ARE LOSERS ARE INVESTING, THAT
IS WHAT HAPPENS.
BUT AS YOU SUGGESTED, THE MARKET

192
00:23:44,256 --> 00:23:47,927
DOES GIVE YOU ON AVERAGE A 9%
RETURN --
Hasan: WHEN IT'S IN THE
S&P 500 SO THE ADDENDUM IS THAT

193
00:23:47,927 --> 00:23:50,563
YOU ARE IN ANOTHER TAX BRACKET,
YOU ARE BALLING AND YOU CAN TAKE
THE LOSSES!
THAT IS IT, PERFECT!

194
00:23:50,563 --> 00:23:59,171
YOU CAN TAKE THE LOSSES!
MR. KEVIN O'LEARY, I WANT TO SAY
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING ON
THE SHOW.

195
00:23:59,171 --> 00:24:07,546
I WANT TO SAY THANK YOU SO MUCH
FOR THE CONVERSATION, I
APPRECIATE YOU.
THANK YOU.

196
00:24:07,546 --> 00:24:08,547
MR. KEVIN O'LEARY!

197
00:24:17,991 --> 00:24:42,915
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Hasan: THAT'S OUR SHOW FOR
TONIGHT, THAT'S MY TIME IN THE

198
00:24:42,915 --> 00:24:46,953
CHAIR.
BUT STAY TUNED, BECAUSE YOUR
GUEST HOST FOR NEXT WEEK IS
GONNA BE MARLON WAYANS!

199
00:24:46,953 --> 00:24:49,690
NOW, HERE IT IS.
YOUR "MOMENT OF ZEN."
WHAT ELSE ISN'T THE TRUTH?
THE TRUTH IS THAT GOD IS GREAT,