Trevor: hey, what’s going
on everybody?
WELCOME TO "THE DAILY SOCIAL
DISTANCING SHOW."
I’M TREVOR NOAH.
TODAY IS WEDNESDAY, THE 9th OF
DECEMBER, WHICH MEANS HANNUKAH
STARTS TOMORROW NIGHT, SO YOU
ONLY HAVE ONE DAY LEFT TO FIGURE
OUT HOW YOU’RE GOING TO SPELL IT
THIS YEAR.
ANYWAY, COMING UP ON TONIGHT’S
SHOW:
WE FIGURE OUT WHY IT’S GREAT TO
BE WHITE, WE SEE WHY 2020 WAS
SUCH A HORNY YEAR, AND GEORGE
WALLACE JOINS ME ON THE SHOW.
SO LET’S DO THIS, PEOPLE!
WELCOME TO "THE DAILY SOCIAL DISTANCING SHOW."
Announcer: FROM TREVOR’S
COUCH IN NEW YORK CITY TO YOUR
COUCH SOMEWHERE IN THE WORLD,
THIS IS "THE DAILY SOCIAL
DISTANCING SHOW," WITH TREVOR NOAH."
Trevor: LET’S KICK THINGS OFF
WITH DONALD J. TRUMP, PRESIDENT
OF THE UNITED STATES AND MAN
LOSING A BAR FIGHT WITH REALITY.
EVER SINCE HE LOST THE ELECTION,
HIS PEOPLE HAVE BEEN GOING
THROUGH EVERY COURT IN THE
COUNTRY TRYING TO FIND A JUDGE
WHO WILL HELP HIM UNLOSE THE
ELECTION.
BUT YESTERDAY, HE MIGHT HAVE HIT
A DEAD END.
THE SUPREME COURT HAS NOW
SHOT DOWN AN EFFORT BY PRESIDENT
TRUMP’S ALLIES IN PENNSYLVANIA
IN THAT OVERALL EFFORT TO TRY TO
OVERTURN THE ELECTION.
TERRY, THE U.S. SUPREME
COURT SEEMED TO SEND A VERY
STRONG SIGNAL LATE TODAY WITH
VERY FEW WORDS.
THEY SURE DID.
THIS WAS BRUTAL, DAVID, NO
QUESTION ABOUT IT.
IT TOOK THE SUPREME COURT JUST
34 MINUTES BETWEEN THE TIME THAT
PRESIDENT TRUMP’S ALLIES IN
PENNSYLVANIA FILED THEIR BRIEF
IN THIS CASE AND A ONE-SENTENCE
ORDER FROM THE SUPREME COURT
REJECTING THAT ENTIRE CASE.
NO REASONING, JUST, NO
GET OUT OF HERE.
AND THERE WERE NO RECORDED
DISSENTS BY ANY OF THE JUSTICES,
INCLUDING AMY CONEY BARRETT AND
NEIL GORSUCH AND BRETT
KAVANAUGH, ALL OF WHOM WERE
APPOINTED BY PRESIDENT TRUMP.
IT CAME IN A SINGLE SENTENCE,
AND WE QUOTE, "THE APPLICATION
FOR INJUNCTIVE RELIEF PRESENTED
TO JUSTICE ALITO AND BY HIM
REFERRED TO THE COURT IS DENIED.
MAN.
NOT ONLY DID THEY SHUT DOWN HIS
CASE, BUT THEY DID IT IN JUST 34
MINUTES!
THEY DIDN’T EVEN PRETEND THAT
THEY WERE GOING TO CONSIDER IT.
THIS IS YOU ASKING SOMEONE,
SOMEBODY OUT AND THEY SHUT YOU
DOWN IMMEDIATELY.
"HEY, WOULD YOU LIKE TO--" NO...
"GO OUT WITH ME?"
AND TRUMP MUST BE ESPECIALLY
BUTT-HURT THAT THE JUSTICES HE
APPOINTED DIDN’T DO ANYTHING
ABOUT THIS, BECAUSE IN HIS MIND,
THEY OWE HIM BIG TIME.
HE’S PROBABLY LIKE, "WHAT THE
HELL, BRETT?!
I STUCK WITH YOU WHEN EVERYONE
SAID YOU WERE A CREEPY DRUNK,
BUT NOW YOU WON’T LET ME BE
PRESIDENT JUST BECAUSE I DIDN’T
GET ENOUGH VOTES?
ALL OF A SUDDEN, NOW YOU KNOW
THE MEANING OF THE WORD "NO"?!
I HATE ALL OF YOU-- NEAL,
BRETT-- AND YOU HURT ME MOST OF
ALL, AMY CONEY ISLAND!"
HERE’S THE TRUTH.
YOU CAN’T BLAME THE SUPREME
COURT FOR NOT WANTING TO GET
INVOLVED IN TRUMP’S CASE.
BECAUSE EVERYBODY HAS THAT ONE
FRIEND THAT WHEN YOU SEE THEM
CRYING, YOU THINK, "I’M JUST
GOING TO KEEP WALKING, BECAUSE
IF I TRY TO HELP, THIS IS GOING
TO BE A WHOLE THING."
SO, THIS LOOKS LIKE IT COULD BE
THE END FOR TRUMP’S LEGAL
EFFORTS, BECAUSE HE CAN’T APPEAL
A CASE HIGHER THAN THE SUPREME
COURT.
I MEAN, MAYBE HE’LL TRY TO
APPEAL TO GOD.
WHO KNOWS?
( AS TRUMP )
LOOK, I KNOW I ONLY ASK FOR YOUR
HELP WHEN I’M WALKING DOWN A
RAMP, BUT THIS ONE IS IMPORTANT,
BIG GUY."
AND CAN WE TAKE A MOMENT TO
REFLECT ON HOW HARD THIS PAST
MONTH HAS BEEN FOR TRUMP’S
PEOPLE, BECAUSE IT’S NOT EASY TO
OVERTURN A DEMOCRACY.
IT’S ACTUALLY TAKING A PHYSICAL
TOLL ON THEM.
TRUMP’S HAIR WENT GREY
OVERNIGHT, HIS LEGAL TEAM IS
RIDDLED WITH CORONA, AND NOW ONE
OF TRUMP’S TOP SUPPORTERS,
CONGRESSMAN LOUIE GOHMERT, IS
LITERALLY FALLING APART.
IT WAS AN EMBARRASSING MOMENT
FOR TEXAS REPUBLICAN LOUIE GOHMERT.
I HAVE, UH, CONSULTED, BEEN
WITH OUR AFGHAN ALLIES, MANY
TIMES, SINCE 2000-- 2001.
HIS TOOTH FELL OUT IN THE
MIDDLE OF A PRESS CONFERENCE ON
CAPITOL HILL.
THE CONGRESSMAN DIDN’T MISS A
BEAT.
HE QUICKLY CAUGHT IT WITH HIS
TONGUE, TUCKED IT AWAY IN HIS
CHEEK, AND KEPT SPEAKING.
GOHMERT TWEETED LATER, ACCUSING
REPORTERS OF BEING MORE
INTERESTED IN A TEMPORARY CROWN
COMING LOOSE THAN THEY WERE
UNCOVERING CLAIMS OF ELECTION
FRAUD BY THE PRESIDENT.
Trevor: THAT IS THE MOST
DISGUSTING THING I HAVE EVER
SEEN IN 2020-- AND I SAW RUDY’S
HAIR MELT AND A HUMAN WOMAN
MARRY AN INSIDE-OUT FERRET.
BUT AS DISGUSTING AS IT IS, IT’S
STILL PRETTY FUNNY.
TRUMP’S FRAUD CASES ARE GETTING
KNOCKED OUT OF COURT SO HARD
THAT OTHER PEOPLE ARE LOSING
THEIR TEETH.
AND IT’S NOT LIKE LOUIE GOHMERT
CAN GIVE THAT TOOTH TO THE TOOTH
FAIRY.
SHE’S GOING TO BE LIKE, "NUH-UH,
I DIDN’T SIGN UP FOR THIS SHIT.
I BUY TEETH FROM KIDS, NOT A
MIDDLE-AGED CABBAGE PATCH DOLL."
AND I LOVE HOW HE TRIED TO MOVE
ON LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED.
DID YOU SEE THAT?
TRIED TO MOVE ON.
MY MAN.
I DON’T CARE WHAT SIDE OF
HISTORY YOU’RE ON.
IF YOUR TOOTH, FALLS OUT
MID-SPEECH, YOUR ARGUMENT IS
OVER.
I KNOW IT’S NOT FAIR, BUT IT’S
THE WAY IT IS.
IF THAT HAPPENED TO F.D.R.,
EVEN HE WOULD HAVE BEEN LIKE,
"DECEMBER 7, 1941, A DATE WHICH
WILL LIVE IN INFAM--
OH, SHIT MY TOOTH.
FORGET IT.
CONGRATS, JAPAN, YOU WON."
BUT LET’S MOVE ON.
AS WE ENTER THE SECOND YEAR OF
THE CORONAVIRUS PANDEMIC, THERE
IS ONE THING ON TOP OF
EVERYBODY’S HOLIDAY WISH LIST:
A PLAYSTATION 5.
AND AFTER THAT, A VACCINE.
AND SANTA’S WORKING HARD TO MAKE
IT HAPPEN.
GREAT BRITAIN HAS ALREADY BEGUN
STATES. IS CLOSE BEHIND, AND
IS CLOSE BEHIND, AND CHINA HAS
JUST ANNOUNCED THAT ITS NEW
VACCINE IS 86% EFFECTIVE.
BUT THE FIRST COUNTRY TO START
MASS VACCINATIONS WAS ACTUALLY
RUSSIA.
AND THE REASON THEY WERE ABLE TO
BE FIRST IS THAT THEY DIDN’T
FINISH TESTING IT FIRST, WHICH
MIGHT BE WHY THINGS HAVEN’T BEEN
GOING GREAT WITH IT SO FAR.
INTERESTING REQUEST FOR THOSE
GETTING A VACCINE IN RUSSIA,
OFFICIALS TELLING CITIZENS,
"PLEASE AVOID DRINKING ALCOHOL
FOR TWO MONTHS AFTER BEING
INOCULATED."
THEY SAY THAT ALCOHOL IMPACTS
THE IMMUNE SYSTEM.
THERE HAVE BEEN SOME QUESTIONS
ABOUT THE EFFICACY OF RUSSIA’S
VACCINE.
REPORTS SAY MEDICAL WORKERS WHO
HAVE BEEN VACCINATED ARE STILL
GETTING COVID.
VLADIMIR PUTIN HAS ALSO REFUSED
TO TAKE IT.
Trevor: WOW, THERE’S A LOT TO
UNPACK HERE.
FIRST OFF, RUSSIA’S VACCINE
DOESN’T ALLOW YOU TO DRINK
ALCOHOL?
THIS IS A TOUGH SITUATION,
BECAUSE THE ONLY WAY YOU WOULD
AGREE TO TAKE A RUSSIAN VACCINE
IS IF YOU WERE TOTALLY
SHITFACED.
NOT TO MENTION, NOT DRINKING IS
GOING TO CAUSE A LOT OF
PROBLEMS, BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT
A LOT OF RUSSIANS ARE GOING TO
BE SEEING RUSSIA SOBER FOR THE
FIRST TIME.
"WHAT IS THIS?
MY HOME IS FROZEN WASTELAND
WHERE TOP FOOD IS BEETS?
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS PLACE?
I THOUGHT I LIVED IN THE
CARIBBEAN."
ALSO, IT DOESN’T BUILD PUBLIC
CONFIDENCE IN THE VACCINE IF
YOUR LEADER IS LIKE, "I’LL TAKE
MY CHANCES WITH CORONA!
THAT VACCINE IS POISON, AND
TRUST ME, I KNOW WHAT’S POISON!" BUT LET’S MOVE ON.
FROM TIME TO TIME, I SEE STORIES
THAT MAKE ME THINK, "DAMN, IT IS
GOOD TO BE WHITE IN AMERICA,"
BECAUSE I KNOW A LOT OF WHITE
PEOPLE ARE HURTING RIGHT NOW,
BUT WHITE PEOPLE CAN ALSO GET
AWAY WITH SHIT IN THIS COUNTRY
THAT NOBODY ELSE COULD.
SO, YOU KNOW, WHAT, I THINK
THERE ARE SOME TIMES WHEN WE
JUST TO APPRECIATE IT AND BE
LIKE, YO, MAN, "YOU’RE SO LUCKY
YOU’RE WHITE."
♪ ♪ ♪
TONIGHT’S STORY TAKES PLACE IN
STATEN ISLAND, WHICH IS A LITTLE
POCKET OF RED AMERICA INSIDE
DEEP BLUE NEW YORK CITY-- LIKE
IF ELMO DROWNED AT SEA.
AND THE LUCKY WHITE PERSON AT
THE CENTER OF THIS STORY IS
DANNY PRESTI, BAR MANAGER AND
HAIRY EGG.
HIS LUCK BEGAN A WEEK AGO WHEN
HE FOUND THE COURAGE TO TAKE A
STAND AGAINST STAYING ALIVE.
FOR A SMALL BAR ON STATEN
ISLAND, MAC’S PUBLIC HOUSE HAS
BECOME A NATIONAL LIGHTNING ROD
IN THE PANDEMIC LOCKDOWN.
WHEN THE SOUTHERN PORTION OF
STATEN ISLAND WENT INTO THE
ORANGE ZONE LAST MONTH, THE
OWNER OF MAC’S PUBLIC HOUSE SAID
HE COULD NOT AFFORD TO CLOSE
AGAIN, SO HE DECLARED HIS
PROPERTY AN AUTONOMOUS ZONE.
HE’S POSTED STATEMENTS ON THE
WINDOWS REFUSING TO ABIDE BY ANY
RULES AND REGULATIONS PUT FORTH
BY THE MAYOR OF NEW YORK CITY
AND THE GOVERNOR.
OPEN UP!
HUNDREDS OF PROTESTERS
OUTSIDE THE NOW-INFAMOUS MAC’S
PUBLIC HOUSE ON STATEN ISLAND
TONIGHT DEMANDING IT OPEN FOR
BUSINESS.
U.S.A.!
WE ARE A COMMUNITY.
WE TAKE BACK OUR COMMUNITY.
WE’RE ALL TOGETHER.
WE TAKE BACK STATEN ISLAND
TONIGHT.
Trevor: OKAY, RIGHT AWAY, WE
CAN ALL AGREE THAT THIS DUDE IS
BEHAVING VERY WHITE, BECAUSE
IT’S A VERY WHITE THING TO DO TO
JUST DECLARE YOURSELF AN
INDEPENDENT IF YOU DON’T LIKE A
LAW.
I MEAN, THE AMERICAN REVOLUTION
WAS BASICALLY WHITE GUYS SAYING,
"I’LL DRINK TEA WHEN I WANT TO
DRINK TEA!"
GODDAMN IT.
THE QUEEN ISN’T GOING TO TELL ME
I HAVE TO HAVE HIGH TEA.
WHAT IF I WANT LOW TEA, OR NO
TEA?
WHAT ABOUT COFFEE?"
NOT TO MENTION, HE JUST DECLARED
HIMSELF AUTONOMOUS IN FRONT OF
AN AMERICAN FLAG!
THESE GUYS ALWAYS WANT IT BOTH
WAYS: "AMERICA IS TYRANNICAL, SO
I DECLARE MYSELF INDEPENDENT!
U.S.A!"
WHITE PRIME NEVER CEASE TO AMAZE
ME.
THEY WILL FOLLOW ALL THE RULES
OF "ESCAPE THE ROOM" TO THE
LETTER, BUT THE MOMENT YOU ASK
THEM TO WEAR A MASK THEY TURN
INTO FREEDOM FIGHTERS WEAPON
WHERE WAS THAT FREEDOM-FIGHTING
ATTITUDE WHEN I DECIDED TO PIK
THE LOCKS INSTEAD OF SEARCHING
FOR CLUES, HUH, CHAD!
THE POLICE CAME TO SHUT DOWN THE
BAR, AND THAT’S WHEN PRESTI’S
LUCK REALLY STARTED.
THAT DEFIANT GENERAL MANAGER
OF A STATEN ISLAND BAR WAS
RELEASED WITHOUT BAIL AFTER HE
WAS ARRESTED FOR HITTING A
SHERIFF’S DEPUTY WITH HIS CAR.
THIS WEEKEND DEPUTIES TRIED TO
ARREST DANNY PRESTI AFTER HE
ALLOWED PEOPLE TO GATHER AT
MAC’S PUBLIC HOUSE WHEN IT WAS
SUPPOSED TO BE SHUT DOWN.
WHEN THEY FOLLOWED HIM UP THE
BLOCK TO HIS CAR, THEY SAY HE
RAN AND DROVE OFF, HITTING A
DEPUTY WHO ROLLED ON TO HIS
HOOD.
AND DESPITE THIS SURVEILLANCE
VIDEO THAT SHOWS THE INCIDENT,
PRESTI HAS A DIFFERENT VERSION
OF WHAT HAPPENED.
I THINK WHEN THE
INVESTIGATION IS COMPLETE,
YOU’RE GOING TO FIND OUT THAT
I DID NOTHING WRONG.
Trevor: OOOOOH-WEE, THAT DUDE
IS SO LUCKY HE’S WHITE!
YO, CAN YOU IMAGINE.
COPS SAY YOU HIT ONE OF THEM
WITH YOUR CAR AND YOU GET RELEASED WITHOUT BAIL, NO BAIL!
BEST BELIEVE IF HE WAS BLACK,
THEY’D HAVE DRAGGED HIM OUT OF
HIS CAR, BEAT HIS ASS, AND
THEN BEAT THE CAR’S ASS!
AND I LOVE HOW HE’S SAYING,
"WHEN THE INVESTIGATION IS
COMPLETE, YOU’LL SEE I DID
NOTHING WRONG."
MY MAN, YOU’RE ON VIDEO.
THE INVESTIGATION IS OVER.
IT LASTED FIVE SECONDS.
MY EYES JUST DID THE
INVESTIGATION.
AND THEY SAW YOUR ASS DRIVE INTO
THE POLICE.
CASE CLOSED.
SO INSTEAD OF BEING PUNISHED FOR
PLOWING INTO A COP, THIS GUY
GETS AWAY WITH IT LIKE HE’S IN
"GRAND THEFT AUTO."
AND IT’S EVEN BETTER THAN THAT .
AT LEAST IN "GRAND THEFT AUTO,"
YOU HAVE GO TO GO INTO HIDING
FOR A BIT BEFORE YOU’RE SAFE.
BUT, NO, THIS GUY IMMEDIATELY
WENT TO BRAG ABOUT IT ON FOX
NEWS!
I’M LOOKING AT YOUR BUSINESS,
AND YOU’RE GETTING KILLED.
AND THESE RESTRICTIONS-- I MEAN,
DO PEOPLE REALLY UNDERSTAND YOUR
HEART, LIFE, AND SOUL IS
INVOLVED IN THIS, SIR?
NOW, I JUST WANT TO SAY, I
APPLAUD A LOT OF THESE
SMALL-BUSINESS OWNERS THAT
PEACEFULLY PUSH BACK AGAINST
THIS, BECAUSE THEY HAVE NO OTHER
RECOURSE.
WHAT IT JUST GOES TO SHOW YOU
IS PEOPLE ARE FRUSTRATED, AND
THEY’RE PROTECTIVE, AND THEY
FEEL LIKE THE GOVERNMENT IS NOT
LOOKING OUT FOR THEM
I DON’T KNOW IF I SHOULD
REVEAL THIS, DANNY, BUT I
ACTUALLY KNOW COPS THAT ARE
TELLING YOU PRIVATELY,
WHISPERING IN YOUR EAR, THEY
DON’T WANT TO DO THIS TO YOU.
THEY ARE BEING FORCED TO.
AND I’M REALLY SORRY THAT YOU’RE
GOING THROUGH ALL THIS, TO BE
VERY HONEST.
Trevor: DAAAAAAMN!
YOU’RE SO LUCKY YOU’RE WHITE!
THIS DUDE HAS A WHOLE NETWORK
APOLOGIZING TO HIM FOR RUNNING
OVER A POLICEMAN!
A POLICEMAN!
AND NOT JUST ANY NETWORK, BUT
FOX NEWS!
FOX ALWAYS STANDS WITH COPS
AGAINST BLACK PEOPLE, BUT THE
SECOND A WHITE GUY HITS A COP,
SUDDENLY, FOX GOES ALL
"(BLEEP) THA POLICE."
THEY EVEN TOLD HIM HE WAS
"PEACEFULLY PUSHING BACK" WHEN
HE WAS PUSHING WITH HIS CAR.
YO, ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?
WHEN BLACK PEOPLE JUST WALK IN
THE STREET, FOX CALLS IT A RIOT.
BUT THIS WHITE GUY DRIVES INTO A
COP, A POLICE OFFICER, AN
OFFICER OF THE LAW!
AND FOX NEWS IS LIKE, THIS IS A
HIT-AND-RUN, THIS IS A
HIT-AND-RUN THAT MARTIN LUTHER
KING JR. WOULD HAVE BEEN PROUD
OF!"
7 I HAVE ONE QUESTION FOR YOU,
WHAT HAPPENED TO BLUE LIVES
MATTER?
I GUESS TECHNICALLY IT’S BLUE
LIVES MATTER IS ABOVE BLACK
LIVES MATTER, BUT THE NUMBER ONE
THING IS WHITE LIVES MATTER.
THERE YOU HAVE IT.
THIS GUY DECLARES HIMSELF ABOVE
THE LAW, HOSTS SUPER-SPREADER
PARTIES AT HIS BAR, RUNS OVER
THE POLICE WHEN THEY TRY TO STOP
HIM, AND NOW HE’S A FOX NEWS
HERO.
THERE’S NOTHING ELSE TO SAY
EXCEPT, "YOU’RE SO LUCKY YOU’RE
WHITE."
ALL RIGHT, WE’RE GOING TO TAKE A
QUICK BREAK, BUT WHEN WE COME
BACK MICHAEL KOSTA WILL GIVE US
HIS IDEA ON HOW TO DEAL WITH THE
NIGHTMARE THAT WAS 2020.
AND THEN WE’LL LOOK BACK ON ON
WHY EVERYONE WANTED TO SMASH IN
BECAUSE OF 2020.
DON’T GO AWAY.
THE FORBIDDEN PHRASE IS
PRESIDENT-ELECT.
DO YOU ACCEPT THE FACT THAT
JOE BIDEN IS THE PRESIDENT-ELECT
OF THE UNITED STATES?
WELL, WE’RE CERTAINLY MOVING
FORWARD AS IF THAT’S-- THAT’S
WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN.
WHAT MATTERS IS, WE’RE DOING--
GOING THROUGH THE PROCESS TO
ALLOW THIS PROCESS TO WORK ITS
WAY--
I HAD HEAR YOU BUT--
TO INAUGURATION DAY.
DO YOU CONCUR WITH SENATOR
TOOMEY THAT IT IS NOW OVER?
NO, I DO NOT.
I THINK VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN HAS
BEEN A BIT OVERDRAMATIC.
DO YOU NOW ACCEPT THAT HE’S
PRESIDENT-ELECT?
WELL, WE’VE GOT A PROCESS
THAT I THINK WE’VE BEEN GOING
THROUGH SINCE THE ELECTION, AND
IT’S GOING TO PLAY ITSELF OUT.
WELL, CHRIS, I-- I WELCOME
VICE PRESIDENT BIDE TONE THE
CLUB.
THE DEMOCRATIC LEADER OF THE
SENATE AND...
FORMER VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN.
HAVE YOU SPOKEN YET WITH THE
PRESIDENT-ELECT TO CONGRATULATE
HIM ON HIS VICTORY?
I HAVE NOT SPOKEN WITH THE
PRESIDENT-ELECT.
( BUZZER )
MARSHA BLACKBURN EVEN
REFERRED TO BIDEN AND HARRIS AS
PRESIDENT AND VICE
PRESIDENT-ELECT THE OTHER DAY,
AND ONE OF HER SPOKESPEOPLE SAID
SHE MISSPOKE WHEN SHE SAID THAT.
( BELL RINGING )
( APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ ♪
Trevor: WELCOME BACK TO "THE
DAILY SOCIAL DISTANCING SHOW."
THIS MONTH, WE’VE BEEN LOOKING
BACK AT 2020.
WE’VE TALKED ABOUT MUSIC,
MOVIES, TECHNOLOGY.
AND NOW, TO GIVE US HIS REVIEW
OF THIS LAST YEAR, LET’S BRING
IN A MAN WHO CAN BARELY REMEMBER
WHAT HE DID LAST NIGHT, MICHAEL
KOSTA.
MICHAEL, WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST
TAKEAWAY ABOUT 2020?
MY BIGGEST "TAKEAWAY" FOR
2020?
MU BIGGEST TAKEAWAY IS WE SHOULD
TAKE AWAY 2020.
THIS YEAR WAS A TOTAL BUST.
WE GOT NOSTALGIC ABOUT GOING TO
THE DENTIST.
WE SHOULD TAKE 2020, PUT IT IN A
DUMPER,
LIGHT IT ON FIRE, AND WALK AWAY
WHILE IT EXPLODES BEHIND US.
Trevor: YEAH, MICHAEL, I HEAR
YOU.
BUT WE SHOULD TRY TO FIGURE OUT
WHAT WE CAN LEARN FROM 2020.
WE CAN’T JUST PRETEND IT NEVER
HAPPENED, YOU KNOW.
ACTUALLY, TREVOR, THAT’S
EXACTLY WHAT WE SHOULD DO.
Trevor: WHAT?
WE SHOULD PRETEND 2020 NEVER
HAPPENED?
YEAH!
LET’S ALL AGREE, RIGHT HERE AND
NOW, AS A PLANET, THAT 2020 DID
NOT HAPPEN.
NOTHING HAPPENED IN 2020 COUNTS.
NOTHING DURING 2020 IS
IMPORTANT.
WE JUST SKIPPED OVER THE WHOLE
YEAR.
WE’RE TAKING A BIG, COLLECTIVE
MULLIGAN.
CONTROL-ALT DELETE.
FORCE QUIT.
DROP 2020 OFF AT THE MALL, TELL
IT YOU’LL BE BACK IN AN HOUR,
AND MOVE TO ANOTHER STATE.
Trevor: KOSTA, WE CAN’T SKIP
2020.
HOW WOULD THAT EVEN WORK?
DUHHH, IT’S PRETTY SIMPLE,
TREVOR.
IF YOU LOST YOUR JOB IN 2020,
YOU GO BACK TO WORK TOMORROW.
IF YOU GOT EVICTED IN 2020, YOU
WALK BACK INTO YOUR APARTMENT
AND IT’S YOURS AGAIN.
IF YOU GOT DIVORCED IN 2020,
YOU’RE NOW MARRIED.
IF YOU DONATED A KIDNEY, YOU GO
BACK AND GET THAT KIDNEY.
IF YOU ADOPTED A DOG, YOU GO
BACK AND GET THAT DOG.
IF YOU GOT AS I REMEMBERRUM
SIZED--
Trevor: KOSTA, WE GET IT!
BUT THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR
EVERYTHING.
LIKE, WHAT ABOUT SCHOOL?
EVERYONE JUST REPEATS A GRADE
AGAIN?
YEAH, WHAT’S THE PROBLEM?
THE ONLY EDUCATION CHILDREN GOT
THIS YEAR WAS SEEING A TEACHER’S
SALARY CAN ONLY AFFORD YOU A
STUDIO APARTMENT.
LOOK AT ME, I REPEATED GRADE
AFTER GRADE AND I’M AS SMART AS
I EVER DID.
Trevor: this is all masked
delusion.
ABSOLUTELY, BUT WE’RE
DELUDING OURSELVES TOGETHER, AND
IF EVERYONE IS DELUSIONAL, THEN
NOW ONE IS LUSIONAL, OKAY.
WE DO THIS ALL THE TIME.
TECHNICALLY, MY UNCLE IS AN
ALCOHOLIC BUT WE AS A FAMILY
HAVE DECIDED TOGETHER HE’S NOT.
SO NOW SHE’S JUST A CARE-FREE
GUY WHO LIKES TO VOMIT ON THE
DOG.
Trevor: but reality still
happened, my friend.
YOUR BODY STILL CHANGED.
WE ALL STILL AGED.
WE ALL ALREADY DON’T COUNT
REALITY ALL THE TIME.
WE HAVE TO DO IT NOW ON A FASTER
TIMELINE.
DO ANY OF US REMEMBER THE
PANDEMIC OF 1918?
OF COURSE NOT, IF WE DID WE
WOULDN’T HAVE MADE ALL THE SAME
MISTAKES AGAIN THIS TIME AROUND.
SO INSTEAD OF BEING SAD AND
MISERABLE, LIKE AMERICANS WERE
IN 1919, WE JUST NEED TO JUMP
AHEAD 100 YEARS TO WHEN THEY
FORGOT ABOUT IT ALL.
Trevor: I feel like I just
got dumber listening to that.
CAN DO IT OVER: AS LONG AS I
GET IN THESE MISTAKES BEFORE
DECEMBER 31, THEY WON’T COUNT.
NOW, TREVOR, IF YOU’LL EXCUSE
ME, I HAVE TO GO GET A KIDNEY
BACK.
Trevor: Mikey, you can’t
do that.
MICHAEL!
THE KIDNEY IS THEIRS!
THAT’S A CRIME.
DON’T FORGET MICHAEL KOSTA HAS A
BRAND-NEW SPECIAL RIGHT HERE ON
COMEDY CENTRAL.
IT’S CALLED "DETROIT. NEW YORK.
L.A.," AND IT IS HILARIOUS.
BE SURE TO CHECK IT OUT.
WHEN WE COME BACK, DESI LYDIC
GOES THROUGH ALL THE WAYS THAT
2020 TURNED US ON.
AND GEORGE WALLACE, THE LEGEND,
IS JOINING US ON THE SHOW. SO DON’T GO AWAY.
Trevor: WELCOME BACK TO "THE
DAILY SOCIAL DISTANCING SHOW."
2020 IS ALMOST OVER, AND I THINK
WE CAN ALL AGREE THAT IT HAS
BEEN THE BEST YEAR IN HUMAN
HISTORY.
EVERYTHING WENT PERFECT, AND
NOTHING WENT WRONG AT ALL!
AND FOR THE REST OF THE MONTH,
WE’LL BE REMEMBERING ALL OF
2020’S BEST MOMENTS.
TODAY, DESI LYDIC LOOKS BACK ON WHAT MADE 2020 SO DAMN SEXY.
♪ ♪ ♪
FOR MANY PEOPLE, 2020 WAS THE
MOST CHALLENGING YEAR OF THEIR
LIVES.
IT BROUGHT OUT A WHOLE NEW RANGE
OF EXPERIENCES AND EMOTIONS.
PEOPLE WERE SCARED, THEY WERE
SAD, THEY WERE SCAD.
THAT’S WHEN YOU’RE SO SAD IS
SCARES YOU.
( SOBBING )
BEING STUCK AT HOME MOST OF THE
YEAR HAD ANOTHER, EVEN STRONGER
EFFECT ON PEOPLE.
THEY WERE HORNY AS HELL.
IN MARCH, HORNPUB HAD A
HISTORIC SPIKE IN TRAFFIC AND A
SITE THAT ALLOWS SUBSCRIBERS TO
MESSAGE AND PAY THEIR FAVORITE
PERMANENTERS IS GETTING AROUND
200,000 NEW USERS PER DAY.
THAT’S RIGHT.
NOTTEN WAS BAKING BREAD DURING
THE PANDEMIC.
SHOULD PEOPLE WERE KNEADING
THEIR OWN DOUGH.
SOME WERE SO THIRSTY FOR ONLINE
PORN EVEN YOUR GRANDMA MEMORIZED
THE WIFI PASS WORD.
YOU CAN ONLY WATCH SO MANY
PIZZAS BEING DELIVERED BY THE
POOL BOY.
SOME PEOPLE WERE SO HORNY THEY
CROSSED A FORBIDDEN LINE.
MATCH.COM PUT OUT A SINGLE IN
AMERICA SURVEY.
ONE TOWARDS FOUR AMERICANS
TURNED TOWARDS THEIR ROOMMATE
FOR INTIMACY AND SEX DURING THE
PANDEMIC.
WOW, THOSE PEOPLE MUST HAVE
BEEN REALLY LONELY, NOT BECAUSE
THEY WERE BONING THEIR ROOMMATE
BECAUSE OF BUT BECAUSE THEY WERE
FILLING OUT A SURVEY ON
MATCH.COM.
I DON’T CARE HOW DESPERATE I GET
I WILL NEVER STOOP THAT LOW TO
SLEEP WITH MY ROOMMATE, EVEN IF
HE IS MY HUSBAND.
THANKFULLY, NOT EVERYONE HOOKED
UP WITH THEIR ROOMMATES THIS
YEAR.
SOMEWHERE FANTASIZING ABOUT A
DIFFERENT RESIDENT IN THEIR
HOME.
THE SINGLE FOLKS OUT THERE
HAVEN’T BEEN DATING BECAUSE OF
LOCKDOWN RESTRICTIONS.
THEY HAVE BEEN TURNING TO DATING
APPS, ZOOM MEETINGS.
BUT BUT ABOUT 28% OF YOU GUYS
HAVE BEEN GETTING TURNED ON BY
ALEXA.
LIKE, "HEY, ALEXA."
THAT ALEXA.
NO JUDGMENT.
THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH
FINDING VOICES SEXY.
MY FIRST BOYFRIEND WAS A
SPEAK-AND-SPELL.
BUT I DON’T KNOW, THE ALEXA
THING?
I DON’T REALLY GET IT.
SIRI, DEFINITELY.
SHE’S GOT THAT SUPER-HOT VOICE.
"SORRY, I DIDN’T QUITE GET
THAT."
SHE CAN QUITE GET THAT ANY TIME
SHE WANTS.
I DON’T KNOW, ALEXA ALWAYS
SOUNDS UPTIGHT LIKE SHE’S GOT
SAND STUCK IN HER LEATHER BOARD.
I HEARD THAT YOU SKANK.
BETWEEN PORN USE AND SPANKING
IT TO THE ROBOT WHO REORDERS
YOUR TOILET PAPER, PEOPLE MIGHT
HAVE SPENT 2020 STUCK AT HOME,
BUT THEIR MINDS WERE IN THE
GUTTER.
AND YOU COULD SEE THE HORNINESS
EVERYWHERE, EVEN IN PLACES YOU
WOULDN’T EXPECT IT.
LIKE THIS SUMMER WHEN MARTHA
STEWART DROPPED ONE OF THE HOST
THIRST TRAP OF ALL TIME, OR WHEN
CHRIS EVANS GAVE US A PEEK AT
HIS CAMERA ROLL.
AT EASE, CAPTAIN.
PERMISSION TO COME ABOARD, SIR.
CAPTAIN AMERICA WAS CAPTAIN OF A
BOAT, RIGHT?
SOME PEOPLE GOT TOO HORNY THIS
YEAR AND GAVE HORNINESS A BAD
NAME.
AN UNSETTLING INCIDENT
INVOLVING CNN’S CHIEF LEGAL
ANNUALEST, NOW OFF THE AIR FOR
ALLEGEDLY PLEASURING HIMSELF ON
A ZOOM CALL.
JEFFREY TUBEIN WAS SUSPENDED BY
THE MAGAZINE FOR MASTURBATING
DURING THE CALL LAST WEEK WITH
OTHER EMPLOYEES AND WNYC RADIO
STAFF WATCHING.
OOOH, JEFFREY TUBEIN OR
JEFFREY PUBEIN.
WHEN YOU’RE ON A WORK ZOOM,
THAT’S NOT TIME TO MASTURBATE.
THAT’S TIME TO PAINT YOUR
TOENAILS OR GET YOUR CHRISTMAS
SHOPPING DONE ONLINE.
YOU HAVE TO KEEP IT
PROFESSIONAL.
HE JUST HAD TO DO IT ON A WORK
ZOOM?
I CAN’T IMAGINE THAT HE COULDN’T
FIGURE OUT A BETTER TIME TO
SQUEEZE IN SQUEEZING IT OUT.
THIS WAS THE YEAR OF EXTRA FREE
TIME.
I LEARNED TO PLAY THE GUITAR.
I KNIT SWEATERS FOR EVERYONE I
KNOW.
I DID 600 PUZZLES, ONE FOR EVERY
TIME I MASTURBATED-- WHICH,
THERE WAS PLENTY OF TIME TO DO.
BUT THANKFULLY, THE HORNIEST
MOMENT OF THE YEAR WAS ONE WE
WELCOMED WITH OPEN ARMS.
♪ ♪ ♪
THE WOP VIDEO.
CARDI B, MUST HAVE KNOWN THAT
HORNINESS WAS AT AN ALL-TIME
HIGH BECAUSE THIS SONG HAD
SOMETHING FOR HORNY CREATURES OF
ALL SPECIES-- MEN, WOMEN,
SNAKES, TIGERS, LEOPARDS, AND
FAKE BILLIONAIRES.
MORE IMPORTANTLY, IT WAS A
SYMBOL OF FEMALE SEXUAL
EMPOWERMENT.
JUST WATCHING THAT VIDEO IS THE
EQUIVALENT OF DOING 500 KEGELS.
AND WE NEEDED THAT THIS YEAR.
WE FELT SO HORNY AND HELPLESS,
AND THEN THIS SONG CAME OUT AND
TOLD WOMEN THAT IT’S OKAY THAT
YOU HAD TO CHANGE YOUR BATTERIES
OUT OF YOUR VIBRATOR TWICE THIS
YEAR.
IT’S OKAY THAT YOU’RE TAKING
EXTRA-LONG MOMMY SHOWERS.
IT’S OKAY THAT YOU’RE STARTING
TO FIND OLAF FROM FROZEN
ATTRACTIVE.
YOU FOUND HIM ATTRACTIVE
BEFORE THE PANDEMIC.
PANDEMIC.
ALEXA, YOU SECRET-SPILLING
BITCH!
SO THAT’S THE YEAR IN HORNINESS.
2020 HAS BEEN A CRAZY YEAR IN SO
MANY WAYS, BUT HORNY MOMENTS
GAVE US JUST A LITTLE BIT OF
ESCAPE.
WE’LL NEVER FORGET ABOUT THE WAY
IT MEADE US FEEL-- IN OUR
HEARTS, IN OUR MINDS, AND IN OUR
WET-ASS VAGINA.
YOU RECEIVED A NOTIFICATION
LADY LUBE IS OUT OF STOCK.
GODDAMN IT, ALEXA!
I WILL UNPLUG YOU!
Trevor: THANKS, DESI!
ALL RIGHT, STICK AROUND, BECAUSE
WHEN WE COME BACK, THE GREAT
GEORGE WALLACE IS JOINING ME ON THE SHOW.
DAILY SOCIAL DISTANCING SHOW."
SO, EARLIER TODAY, I SPOKE WITH
THE LEGENDARY COMEDIAN GEORGE
WALLACE. WE TALKED ABOUT HIS REMARKABLE
CAREER, HOW HE’S BECOME A
FAVORITE ON TWITTER, HIS
BRAND-NEW BOOK, AND MUCH MORE.
MR. GEORGE WALLACE, WELCOME TO
THE "THE DAILY SOCIAL DISTANCING
SHOW."
DR. GEORGE WALLACE, LET’S GET
THAT CLEAR.
DON’T YOU FEEL BETTER SINCE
YOU’RE TALKING TO ME.
Trevor: oh, no, I do
already.
DR. GEORGE WALLACE.
I’LL TAKE IT.
I REMEMBER WHEN I-- WHEN YOU
FIRST START DOING STAND-UPS YOU
HEAR THE BIGGEST NAMES, THE
PIONEERS, THE PEOPLE WHO DID IT,
THE PEOPLE WHO ARE STILL DOING
IT.
FOR ME ONE OF THE NAMES THAT
ALWAYS STUCK OUT WAS GEORGE
WALLACE.
YOU HAVE BEEN THE COMEDIAN’S
COMEDIAN FOR SO MUCH TIME BUT
YOU ALSO CRUSH IT WITH THE
AUDIENCE, FROM THE DAYS OF JERRY
SEINFELD IN THE CLUB, YOU WERE
MR. GEORGE WALLACE, DR. GEORGE
WALLACE.
IS IT A DOCTORATE IN COMEDY?
WHAT IS IT A DOCTORATE IN?
YOU GOT IT, MAN.
DOCTOR OF COMEDY, GEORGE
WALLACE.
WE STARTED OUT HITTING THE
CLUBS, FOUR, FIVE CLUBS A NIGHT.
DO YOU KNOW TO THIS DAY WE HAVE
BEEN FRIEND FOR 45 YEARS TO THIS
DAY IN NEW YORK CITY BEFORE THE
PANDEMIC, WE STILL GO TO THE
CLUBS, FOUR, FIVE CLUBS A NIGHT
AND SHE TRY OUT THYSELF NEW
JOKES.
Trevor: there are a few
comedians I know who love and
perform stup comedy as much as
you do.
AND THEN THE PANDEMIC HIT, AND I
WAS LIKE, WHERE IS GEORGE
WALLACE AND WHAT IS HE DOING?
SINCE MARCH 14, I SHUT DOWN
MY TV SHOW AT NETFLIX, AND I
CAME TO-- WIKONDA.
THAT’S ATLANTA.
LISTEN TO ME, FIRST OF ALL, YOUR
COUNTRY, I HAVE BEEN THERE.
THE MOST BEAUTIFUL COUNTRY IN
THE WORLD AND I LOVE IT.
TABLE BAY.
WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE BEACH I
HANG OUT.
IS IT CAMP’S BAY?
Trevor: yes, yes, camp’s
bay.
KNOW YOU’RE FROM UP IN
JOHANNESBURG.
I ENJOYED YOUR COUNTRY SO MUCH,
AND I WANT YOU TO KNOW, IN MY
COUNTRY NOW-- I’M IN ATLANTA
RIGHT NOW.
YOU HAVE BEEN TO ATLANTA?
Trevor: of course I’ve
been to Atlanta.
TELL THE TRUTH, WHEN YOU GOT
OFF THE AIRPLANE DID YOU SAY,
"HOLY SHIT!
YOU NEVER SAW SO MANY BLACK
PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE.
HEY, HEY --
YOU KNOW WHAT I USED TO SAY?
YOU KNOW WHAT I USED TO SAY,
GEORGE.
YOU’RE IN ATLANTA AND YOU GO,
"WHAT THE HELL!
AND YOU KNOW THE STORY ON
ATLANTA BEING THE- MAKING
CAPITAL OF THE WORLD, LIKE "THE
BLACK PANTHER" THEY WANTED TO
MAKE IT IN AFRICA.
THEY WENT TO AFRICA TO MAKE THE
MOVIE, BUT WHEN THEY WENT OVER
THERE, THEY DIDN’T HAVE ENOUGH
BLACK PEOPLE.
SO THEY CALLED DELTA AND FLEW
THEM RIGHT BACK TO ATLANTA.
THERE ARE SO MANY BLACK PEOPLE
HERE.
I JUST WANTED TO BRING THAT UP.
YES, WHAT AM I DOING?
I’M STILL WRITING JOKES AND
HAVING FUN.
I KEEP MY LEGAL PAD WITH ME.
I CONTINUE TO WRITE NEW JOKES
EVERY DAY.
AND THAT’S WHAT I’M DOING.
Trevor: how do you-- how
do you stay so relevant though?
MY JOB IS TO KEEP UP WITH
TIMES.
AND I’M DEALING WITH THIS
PANDEMIC NEAR ATLANTA FOR THE
LAST FEW MONTHS.
I’VE BEEN WRITING A BOOK.
I WROTE A NEW BOOK CALLED
"BULL-TWIT."
THEY SAID WHY "BULL-TWIT."
I SAID THEY WON’T BUY A BOOK
THAT SAYS BULLSHIT.
THESE ARE MY RAMBLINGS FOR SO
MANY YEARS, JUST STUPID STUFF
OFF MY HEAD.
I WAS WONDERING FOR YEARS BEFORE
I STARTED DOING TWITTER WHY
SHOULD I GIVE AWAY MY JOKES FOR
FREE?
Trevor: right.
I SAID, YOU KNOW, WHAT?
IF I DO THIS, IT’S NOT REAL
JOKES.
IT’S JUST LITTLE THOUGHTS FROM
THE MIND.
AND IF I DO THIS, THE WHOLE
WORLD GETS TO SEE ME.
OTHERWISE, THEY HAVE TO COME TO
LAS VEGAS.
BUT RIGHT NOW, I’M GLAD I DID
IT.
NOW WE’VE GOT ALMOST ONE MILLION
FOLLOWERS, AND EVERY DAY WE GET
TO CHAT WITH PEOPLE AND LAUGH
AND HAVE FUN.
Trevor: I feel like that’s
what makes you fresh.
THAT’S WHAT MAKES YOU FUNNY.
YOU HAVE THE BOOK OF YOUR TWEETS
AND THE RANTS AND THE RAMBLINGS.
I FEEL LIKE IN MANY WAYS THAT’S
HOW YOU FORMULATE YOUR SHOW IN
VEGAS.
YOU HAVE ONE OF THE LONGEST
RESIDENCY OF ALL TIME.
YOU ARE THE VEGAS GUY.
WHY DO YOU LOVE VEGAS SO MUCH?
TREVOR, I AM SO HAPPY TO LIVE
MY DREAM.
I NEVER WANTED TO DO TV.
I NEVER WANTED TO DO MOVIES.
WHEN I WAS A KID ALL I WANTED TO
DO WAS WORK LAS VEGAS, NEVADA.
ALL I WANT TO DO IS ENTERTAIN
PEOPLE.
YOU KNOW, IT’S NOT-- AND YOU’RE
TALKING TO, BY THE WAY, THE MOST
SUCCESSFUL COMEDIAN EVER, ME.
IT’S NOT--
( LAUGHING )
IT’S NOT HOW MUCH MONEY YOU
MAKE.
IT’S HOW YOU ENJOY YOUR LIFE --
YES, YES, YES.
AND I’M ENJOYING MY LIFE.
AND I WENT TO LAS VEGAS AND I’VE
BROKEN RECORDS THERE.
I’VE WORKED LONGER IN LAS VEGAS,
I’VE DONE MORE SHOWS THAN ANY
AFRICAN AMERICAN BECAUSE I WENT
TO LAS VEGAS, AND I DON’T WORK
FOR THE HOTELS.
I OWN MY SHOW.
I DO THE --
THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKING
ABOUT.
I WRITE THE JOKES.
SO IT’S PRETTY-- AND I LOVE WHAT
I DO.
Trevor: as you said, you
are the longest African American
performer in Las Vegas in
history.
BUT THERE WAS A TIME WHEN YOU
WERE DOING COMEDY WHEN BLACK
PERFORMERS WEREN’T EVEN ALLOWED
IN THE CLUB.
WHEN YOU HAD TO GO AND PERFORM
IN PLACES WHERE THEY WOULDN’T
EVEN WANT YOU TO PERFORM, BUT
YOU STILL FOUND THAT JOY AND YOU
HAD COMEDIANS RALLY AROUND YOU--
BLARK WHITE-- EVERYONE.
TALK ME THROUGH THAT.
WAS THERE NEVER A POINT IN THAT
PERIOD WHERE YOU THOUGHT MAYBE I
SHOULD PIK ANOTHER CAREER?
MAYBE I SHOULD DO SOMETHING
ELSE?
HELL NO.
YOU KNOW WHAT I DO EVERY NIGHT?
I GO OUT ON THAT STAGE EVERY
NIGHT AND I JUST LIE.
I JUST MAKE UP SHIT.
I JUST LIE.
I SAY JUST LET ME BE THE
GREATEST BULLSHITTER EVER.
BUT RIGHT NOW, TRUMP IS KICKING
MY ASS.
TREVOR, TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTION,
WHEN I STARTED COMEDY BACK IN
1976, THERE WERE VERY FEW BLACK
COMEDIANS.
THERE WAS RED FOX AND THERE WAS
RICHARD PRYOR, OF COURSE, AND A
FEW OTHERS.
AND I ALWAYS WANTED TO DO THE
COMEDY, AND I SAID-- I NEVER
THOUGHT ABOUT DOING ANYTHING
ELSE, YOU KNOW.
NOW, YOU LIVE IN NEW YORK CITY.
BEFORE I WAS A COMEDIAN I WAS--
1975, ALL OF THE BILLBOARDS, IN
TIMES SQUARE, ALL OF THOSE
ADVERTISING BOARDS, I WAS VICE
PRESIDENT OF THAT COMPANY.
SO I WAS MAKING IN ’76, MAKING
$75,000, $85,000 A YEAR.
Trevor: wow, are you being
serious right now?
YEAH.
THAT’S NOT WHAT I WANTED TO DO.
I WANTED TO TELL JOKES AND GO ON
STAGE.
I DIDN’T CARE ABOUT THE MONEY.
THE MONEY WOULD COME AND THEN BE
ABLE TO GO OUT AND DO "THE
TONIGHT SHOW."
I WAS ONE OF THE FIRST BLACKS TO
DO "THE TONIGHT SHOW."
THE NEXT NIGHT I WAS ON STAGE IN
FRONT OF 17,000 PEOPLE.
THAT WAS BACK ON THE DAY WHEN
YOU DID "THE TONIGHT SHOW" THAT
WAS IT.
AND I WANTED TO LEARN TO BECOME
A COMEDIAN AND OPENED FOR THE
LIKES OF NATALIE COLE, DIANA
ROSS.
I WORKED CAESAR’S PALACE.
I WANTED TO WORK EVERY KIND OF
STAGE.
Trevor: there used to be a
time when comedy and music, you
couldn’t separate them.
EVERY MUSICIAN IN THE COUNTRY
HAD A COMEDIAN OPENING UP THE
SHOWS.
FIRST, DO YOU MISS THAT?
AND WHY DO YOU THINK IT STOPPED?
IT WAS A DIFFERENT TIME.
WE HAVE COMEDY CLUBS NOW.
SO BACK IN THE DAY, WHEN I WAS
OPENING, YOU’RE RIGHT A COMEDIAN
WOULD OPEN FOR SINGERS.
WHAT HAPPENED TO ME, I ENJOYED
WHAT I WAS DOING.
I STARTED -- MOST COMEDIANS GET
TO DO 20 MINUTES.
I NEVER HAD THAT OPPORTUNITY.
I WORKED-- I WORKED WITH DIANA
ROSS.
I STARTED 20 MINUTES.
SHE SAID TAKE IT TO 25, 30.
I WAS WITH TOM JONES FOR FIVE
AND A HALF YEARS.
HE MADE ME DO 45 MINUTE EVERY
NIGHT.
AND I LOVED IT.
AND THEN THEY-- THE MOST
DIFFICULT PART ABOUT OPENING,
LET’S SAY A GUY LIKE TOM JONES,
TO SING, 500 LADIES CAME EVERY
NIGHT.
HE SAID THAT’S NOT GOING TO BE
GOOD, MR. WALLACE, BECAUSE THE
SAME 500 LADIES WILL COME EVERY
NIGHT AND IT WILL BE EMPTY DOWN
FRONT.
FOR FIVE YEARS, EVERY NIGHT,
THOSE LADIES WERE AT MY SHOW,
THROWING UNDERWEAR AT ME.
THAT’S WHAT TAUGHT ME TO BE A
GREAT COMEDIAN AND LEARN TO DO A
DIFFERENT SHOW EVERY NIGHT.
I HAVE THE GREATEST JOB IN THE
WORLD, TREVOR.
AND I DO NOTHING.
I JUST LIE.
I MAKE UP SHIT.
Trevor: my friend, not
only are you one of the greatest
comedians for doing that, I
think you’re fully qualified to
be president of the United
States.
IF YOU EVER GET TIRED OF VEGAS,
YOU KNOW WHERE YOU CAN START
YOUR NEXT RESIDENCY IF YOU WANT
TO LIE ALL THE TIME.
OH, RIGHT THERE, 1600.
I COULD BE PRESIDENT TOMORROW.
YOU KNOW, THE FIRST LAW I WOULD
PASS, CHICK-FIL-A WILL BE OPEN
ON SUNDAY.
I DON’T GIVE A DAMN WHAT THEY
SAY.
THAT’S THE FIRST LAW I WILL
PASS.
SECOND LAW-- SECOND LAW I’M
GOING TO PASS, STEVE HARVEY
AIN’T HOSTING SHIT NO MORE,
OKAY?
STEVE HARVEY-- LET ME --
OH, MAN.
BUT, LISTEN, LET ME-- LET ME
TELL YOU MORE ABOUT THIS BOOK
HERE.
THIS BOOK IS SOMETHING THAT MOST
PEOPLE SHOULD GET.
IT MAKES A GREAT CHRISTMAS GIFT
UNDER YOUR TREE.
YOU KNOW THE PERSON THAT HAS
EVERYTHING WHAT DO YOU GET THEM?
YOU GET THAM BOOK THAT KEEPS
THEM LAUGHING.
TREVOR, I DID NOT GO TO
Amazon.com BECAUSE THEY TAKE
HALF YOUR MONEY.
GUT GEORGEWALLACE.NET, GO ONLINE
AND GET THIS BOOK BECAUSE YOU
NEED LOFTENER YOUR LIFE.
AND YOU YOU WHEN STOP LAUGHING,
YOU STOP LIVING.
Trevor: that’s all you’ve
got to do my friend.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR TAKING THE
TIME.
I HOPE TO MEET YOU OFFICIALLY IN
PERSON IN THE FLESH ONE DAY, BUT
UNTIL THEN, I’LL MAKE SURE
EVERYBODY GETS THE BOOK.
WE’RE GOING TO GET IT FROM THE
WEB SITE.
AND THE NEXT TIME WE MEET, WE
WILL CONTINUE TO TALK ABOUT
WOKANDA, AND CAPE TOWN, SOUTH
AFRICA.
THAT’S NICE OF YOU TO SAY YOU
WANT TO MEET ME IN FLESH.
HOW ELSE ARE YOU GOING TO MEET
ME.
Trevor: now we meet like
this.
THIS IS HOW WE MEET NOW.
TREVOR, YOU HAVE TO KNOW I’M
AN ASSHOLE, SO I NEVER CLOSE THE
SHOW WITHOUT SAYING I LOVE YOU,
AND THERE’S NOTHING YOU CAN DO
ABOUT IT.
Trevor: oh, man.
GEORGE WALLACE, I’LL SEE YOU
AROUND MY FRIEND.
LOOK AROUND YOURSELF.
YOU HAVE A DEAL.
YOU, TOO.
Trevor: GEORGE’S NEW BOOK:
"BULL-TWIT AND WHATNOT" IS
AVAILABLE NOW.
OKAY.
WE’RE GOING TO TAKE A QUICK
BREAK, BUT WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THIS.
TONIGHT.
BUT BEFORE WE GO:
I WANTED TO REMIND YOU TO PLEASE
TRY SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL
RESTAURANTS IF YOU CAN.
THEY ARE STRUGGLING TO STAY OPEN
DURING THIS PANDEMIC, AND IF
THEY DON’T GET THE HELP THEY
NEED, THEY MIGHT NOT BE OPEN FOR
YOU WHEN THE PANDEMIC IS OVER.
IF YOU WANT TO HELP JUST BEYOND
ORDERING FOOD,
PLEASE CONSIDER A DONATION TO
THE JAMES BEARD FOUNDATION’S
"OPEN FOR GOOD" CAMPAIGN, WHICH
HELPS INDEPENDENT RESTAURANTS
SURVIVE THIS PANDEMIC.
UNTIL TOMORROW, STAY SAFE OUT
THERE, WEAR A MASK, AND
REMEMBER: IF YOU REALLY WANT TO
KEEP COVID AWAY FROM YOU, JUST
DECLARE YOURSELF AN AUTONOMOUS
ZONE.
IT WORKS EVERY TIME. NOW, HERE IT IS,YOUR MOMENT OF
ZEN. ♪ ♪ ♪