- Hi, kids, it's me, Trevor Noah.
Listen, I know it's really hard during this pandemic to learn
anything from a TV or a computer.
Heck, it's hard for adults.
A lot of them try to learn things online.
And the next thing you know, they're storming the Capitol.
But I wanted to help.
So I asked the team here at "The Daily Show"
to help put together a lesson plan for you guys.
And not just any lesson, but the lessons
you won't learn in school but that you need to know
before life teaches them to you the hard way.
My friends at the show agreed to help
because they're all under contract.
So without further ado, please enjoy "The Daily Show's"
special presentation, "Remotely Educational".
♪♪
- Oh, hey, kids, welcome to geography class.
What's the capital of Mozambique?
I don't know, Google that shit.
I am going to teach you
geography you won't learn in school,
but need to know.
Like today's lesson: Who Hates Who?
That's something you've gotta know.
If your cab driver is Serbian,
you can't be talking about that trip you took to Croatia.
You're gonna get your ass thrown out on the street.
So I'ma tell you who hates who around the globe.
But I'm not going into why, because I know I'll get
one little thing wrong and then both of 'em gonna be mad at me.
And I don't want Kyrgyzstan in my mentions--
(phone beeping)
Yeah, there they go already.
Okay, let's begin.
Chinese and Japanese hate each other.
Indians and Pakistanis can't stand each other.
Vietnamese and Cambodians
do not want to be in the same room, at all.
Turks and Armenians hate each other.
Turks and Greeks also hate each other.
Turks and Kurds, they hate each other too.
Honestly, Turkey is the NeNe Leakes of Europe.
They always at the center of some shit.
You got the Russians and the Chechnyans,
they always arguing.
Hungarians and Roma,
Dinka and the Nuer,
the Irish and the British,
Scots and the British,
English and the British--
honestly, that whole island hate itself.
Ghana and Nigeria.
Now, from what I understand about this beef,
this one is mostly about rice.
So here's the thing, Nigerians think Ghanaian rice
tastes like concrete, and Guineans think
Nigerian rice is a bigger international crime
than their email scams.
Fortunately, centuries of colonialism have made
both countries too poor to afford a nuke,
so it don't really matter that much.
Iranians and the Saudis,
Saudis and the Houthis, Saudis and the Qataris,
Saudis and the Israelis--
although, now they're becoming friends
because they both hate the Iranians more.
In a way, Iran is really bringing
the Middle East together.
You've got the Sudan and South Sudan,
North Korea and South Korea.
Matter of fact, if there's two countries
with the same name,
they definitely hate each other.
And then, of course, you've got
the Israelis and the Palestinia--
(phone beeping)
I said I'm not getting into it!
God damn. (beep)
All right, let's wrap this up.
Last beef,
America and everybody else.
Yeah, that's right.
I'ma give it to you straight, kids.
Every other country hates us.
They all hate us.
Some of them we invaded, some of them we overthrew,
most of them we bombed,
some of them we saved from the Nazis,
so I don't know why they mad.
But it is what it is, the game is the game.
But that leads me to my Tip of the Day, kids.
If you ever travel abroad,
do what I do...
pretend you're Canadian!
Hell yeah, you put that maple leaf
on your head right there, man, 'cause the here's the thing.
If it's one country that nobody hates, it's Canada.
To be honest, I don't know what that's all "aboot,"
but I'ma make it work for me.
That's it for today, kids.
See you next time in geography class.
Eh?
- (speaking Spanish)
- Hi, kids, welcome to Miss Desi's Math for Real Life.
Calculus is cool and all,
but if you're part of the 99% of adults
who don't become math teachers, you'll want to learn
some math that you won't learn in school.
Now there are two times normal adults use math:
Tipping your waiter 20%...
- This is only 8%.
- ...and buying a home.
Buying a home is like getting married.
It's a huge decision and you're only gonna do it
one to four times in your life.
Lucky for you, I'm a licensed real estate agent
like one third of adults in America,
so I can help you through this big decision.
Usually to buy a house,
you'll need to put 20% of the price as a down payment.
So for a $500,000 house, you'll need to have
$100,000 in savings.
But you only have $3,000.
Don't worry, we'll figure that out later.
Let's move on to the fun part...
Look at all these beautiful houses.
- I'm a Victorian!
- I'm Mid-century modern.
- And we're twins.
- But you can't afford any of these houses.
Oh wait, but what about that one on the end over there?
That looks nice.
- I'm only affordable because a murder happened in me
and I can't stop thinking about it.
My walls will never be clean.
- In realtor speak, we call this "character."
So let's put an offer in.
An offer is the price you tell the seller
you're willing to pay for the house.
Let's offer $750K contingent on inspection.
I think that's good.
Ooh, they countered at
$2 million, last and final.
I know it's more than we talked about but I suggest we take it.
There's a Saudi shell company right behind you
ready to pay all cash.
Just a quick thing, I'm paid on commission,
so it's really important to me that you buy this house,
but not really important to me that you can afford it.
So you'll accept? Congrats, onto step four.
Once you've signed the initial contract,
now it's time to send a forest's worth
of paperwork to the bank.
They'll need pay stubs, bank statements,
W-2s, a credit report, a letter from your employer,
and your parents address because
somebody's gonna pay for this house!
While you fill all that out, let's get the house inspected.
Hello, Mr. Wrench, how the house looking?
- Oh, yeah, it's falling apart.
You got black mold, the furnace is shot,
and the septic system needs to be replaced.
- That's right, the septic system.
I bet you didn't know this house has a big tub of shit under it.
It's right next to the well.
Once the bank approves your paperwork,
you sign the final contracts with the previous owner
and the bank and you own the house.
(triumphant music)
Specifically, you own 20% of the house,
the rest belongs to the bank-- oh, which reminds me,
meet Marty the Mortgage. - Where's my money?
You better have it by the first of the month
or your ass will be out in the street.
I don't give a crap if it's winter.
So remember to pay your mortgage and be happy,
because you're living the American dream.
You own a home!
And that's math class.
(tape whirring)
(distorted music)
(narrator) This is a factory.
It's where we make the products we use.
At the loading dock, raw materials arrive
to start the process.
Inside, workers do specialized jobs on the assembly line.
In the office, managers plan
how to move the whole operation overseas.
These talks spill over into steak dinners
where difficult choices are made.
This is the new, cheaper factoryin Cambodia.
With increased profits, shareholders and executives
are able to buy yachts,
artwork, narcotics, politicians,
and memberships in sadistic sex cults.
Through this process, America's business leaders
keep the country running
while turning old factories into loft apartments
for their adult children who do filmmaking, photography,
and other fake things.
This process will be repeated until
the system collapses, leaving us scavenging
for berries and potable water.
And that is how business works.
(female narrator) Today's show was brought to you
by the letters M and K.
MKUltra was a CIA mind control project
that illegally experimented on humans to identify
substances that could coerce people into making confessions.
M-K!
♪♪
- Hey, uh, welcome to science class today.
Today we're gonna talk about animals.
And I know you kids all like the fancy animals, okay,
but stop being so thirsty for hippos,
because unless you're a Colombian drug lord
you're never gonna own one, okay?
Instead, today, we're gonna talk about the animals
you'll actually encounter.
The ones that will infest your house,
animals like the fruit fly.
This is a mild infestation.
As far as the insects go, fruit flies are pretty chill.
They are like most Brooklyn hipsters,
very picky eaters, and they have zero upper body strength.
Also, they do it doggy style.
Who knew?
Anyway, getting rid of them is pretty straightforward.
Just stop leaving piles of rotting fruit lying around, duh!
A worst infestation is bedbugs.
Much like Armie Hammer, they feed on human blood.
Getting rid of bedbugs is almost impossible.
So if you get them, the best solution is to just leave.
Walk out of the door, start a new life,
like Miley Cyrus.
People think Hannah Montana was a character, but it was just
who she was until she got bedbugs.
Next up, lady bugs or as scientists call them,
"women bugs."
This is maybe the best infestation you can have.
They don't really do anything
and for bugs, they look pretty.
They're like beetles that just got their nails done.
But enough about insects, let's move on to mammals,
specifically mice, the freeloader rodents.
And to be clear, not all rodents are freeloaders.
Just look at squirrels.
They're like small business owners,
hustling out there,
renting storage lockers for their nuts.
But mice just want your food.
Now, mice like to come into your home because it's nice and cozy.
That's why the best way to deter that is to make your home
cold and inhospitable, like a Scandinavian's.
If you do have mice, you'll know because they take
these little shits in your house that look exactly like
chocolate Tic Tacs, but they are not chocolate Tic Tacs.
That's a lesson I learned many, many times.
Finally, the king of pests: raccoons.
Raccoons evolved millions of years ago
when a bear (bleep) a monkey.
(chuckles) Of course I'm just kidding.
Science doesn't actually know where they came from.
Mostly they just go through your garbage looking for food
and anything they can sell on eBay.
They're how nature recycles.
You have to be careful around raccoons.
They are one of the primary carriers of rabies,
a virus that makes animals act like they're from New Jersey.
If you see a raccoon foaming at the mouth,
do not go near it with a calzone.
It will fight you for it.
So, yeah, those are all the animals
you actually need to know about.
I hope you found this educational.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna enjoy some of these
chocolate Tic Tacs I just found.
Oh-- (spits) Damnit!
Okay, well, I'll see you guys next week.
Mmm, maybe this one?
No! No, no. That was poo too.
♪♪
(whistle blowing)
- All right, everybody, it's time for gym class.
It's also time for sex ed,
which is taught by gym teachers for some reason.
Let's get right into it, shall we?
(whistling)
Sex. (chuckles)
These days, the internet is going to give you
the wrong idea about sex, that it's fun.
Well, it's not.
When you're single, getting lucky isn't having sex.
It's getting a clean blood test six weeks later.
And when you're married? (blows raspberry)
It's not much better. She's more interested
in her Hitachi personal massager from Brookstone.
And you're so desensitized by porn that you can't
get things going unless you imagine
she's a mermaid but with legs.
Hey, let's get 20 jumping jacks going, hit me!
(blows whistle rhythmically)
Now, if you're into feet, that's kind of cool because
you can just go to the beach.
♪♪
- Grandpa Lew, I'm Billy.
I'm nine years old, and one day I will be
president of the United States.
- Well, first off, don't call me "grandpa," kid.
Secondly, no, you're not!
You'll have to wait until you're 35,
and this country's not gonna be around that long.
But if you like throwing your weight around
and holding the fate of people in the palm of your hand,
why not enter the exciting field of reality show judges?
There's voting, people respect your opinion
even though you have no clue what you're talking about,
and the best part is you'll never have to eat
a corn dog in (bleep) Iowa!
So be that instead.
I command it!
- Grandpa Lew, I love animals.
I have a dog and a cat now and my dream job when I grow up
is to help them by becoming a veterinarian.
- Again, it's not Grandpa Lew, it's Guidance Counselor Lew.
And unfortunately, vet school can cost over $300 grand
and will take you decades to pay off,
because people love their pets, but they love their money more.
I'm not taking out a second mortgage
to fix Muffin's thyroid.
Lucky for you, there's a cheaper way
to work with animals without all the hassle.
The Russian circus!
An unregulated paradise of animal performers.
You'll get to treat all kinds of furry friends,
from endangered species sold on the black market,
to a panda that you're pretty sure is actually just a dog
painted black and white.
And you not only get to care for bears,
you get to wrestle 'em.
What a treat, huh?
I'm going to sign you up.
- Grandpa Lew, I'm Kylie,
and when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut.
- That's a great career choice.
I mean, to be an astronaut,
you have to be an expert in math and science.
And if you're trapped in the American educational system,
you've got no chance at that.
So I suggest you try for another job that will let you enjoy
the majesty of space...
an usher at a planetarium!
You get to experience distant worlds!
So do that instead.
All right, last kid, I am getting sick of this shit.
- Mr. Black, I'm Olivia
and I want to become a mid-level account representative
for a marketing company.
- Now that's a career choice!
You don't need any advice from me, Olivia.
You get what life's all about.
Set a realistic goal, achieve it,
and spend your weekends drinking margaritas at Chili's.
All right, well, that's enough
correcting kids' hopeless dreams.
Until next time, goodbye from Grandpa Lew--
I mean, Guidance Counselor Lew!
Damnit, now they got me doing it!
- ♪ Yah, let me introduce you ♪
♪ To some new thangs ♪
♪ New thangs... ♪
(all speaking Korean)
- The answer after the break.
- The answer is... C!
While cheetahs can reach 75 miles an hour,
a properly intoxicated congressman can drive from
a crime scene at twice that speed.
♪♪
- Hey, kids, today we're going to learn about commerce,
and we're going to do it with some help from my friend
Smugly. - (groans)
- Smugly, I wanna buy an action figure collectible
from the new Robo-Dinosaur movie,
but I'm not sure if I have enough money.
If I have four quarters and ten dimes,
can you tell me how much that's worth?
- Yeah, you got scrap metal.
- No, it's money.
- That's called Fiat money.
And the future is crypto.
You've gotta get into bitcoin.
- Bitcoin, isn't that the money you use
to buy synthetic marijuana from the Philippines?
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I mean, yes, but not just that.
You can buy all kinds of things with bitcoin.
- Like a Robo-Dinosaur collectible?
- Uh, sure, you can buy any dumb toy you want.
- Well, technically, it's not a toy, it's a collectable.
- You see, Bitcoin is a semi anonymous digital currency
with transactions recorded in an open ledger
stored online in what's called the blockchain.
- Ooh, blockchain, like Legos.
- Legos? Jesus Christ... - Similar to Legos.
- Okay, let me start at the beginning.
Give me a dollar.
- Okay, now what is this dollar bill worth?
- One dollar. - Mm-hmm.
Which is worth wiping my puppet ass with.
- What? Oh, Smugly, that's my dollar.
- Relax, man, every dollar bill has been in someone's ass.
The point is it comes from a central bank which can just
print them out of thin air.
That's called inflation.
And that's why 30 years ago,
a bottle of Lambrusco only cost $5,
and now I'm paying like 15?
That's highway robbery.
- So how does Bitcoin fix all of this?
- Oh, well, it's hard capped at 21 million bitcoins,
so there's no inflation, and the only way to find
those 21 million is through mining.
- Mining, so bitcoins come from the ground.
- No, not that kind of mining.
Jesus, this is why I didn't want to work on a kid's show.
But, oh, a puppet can't work a trading desk at Goldman.
That's discrimination.
- Should you really be mixing pills and wine like that?
That's how Prince died.
- Whoa...
(retches)
Okay, all you need to know is that you and all the other kids
out there better make the leap to bitcoin
as soon as you can. - Can't, I'm 41.
- 41?
And you're trying to buy a toy dinosaur?
Sweetbaby James, I thought you just had like,
a hormone imbalance or something...
- To be clear, it's a collectible.
Look, if I want to buy one of these bitcoins,
how much does it cost? - Well, that depends
on the market rate and what someone will take for it.
Right now, they're worth a lot.
- More than a toy dinosaur? - A toy dinosaur?
Buddy, for one bitcoin, I could pay Barney to watch me
Baby Bop his wife. (chuckles)
- Sounds like I better get a bitcoin.
It's the money of the future unless the power
or internet access goes out,
and the risk of being decentralized means
if someone gets control of 51% of the blockchain,
they may alter the ledger,
and of course the deflation problem
because why would anyone use bitcoin to buy things
if it keeps getting more valuable?
And hey, you may not be able to print new bitcoins,
but anyone can make new crypto, so bitcoin could be made
obsolete through competition,
or the government could just decide to ban them.
Anyway, that's just a couple thoughts off the top of my head.
- Yeah, those are, uh, those are good points.
That's why the safest thing to do is to diversify
and to put your money into other things.
- Like what? - Well, while you were talking,
I bought this collectible dinosaur.
- Okay, well, that's what I wanted to buy.
- Yeah, exactly. There's clearly a demand,
and that's what makes it valuable in the market.
- Why don't you let me buy that off you?
- Well, you can bid for it on eBay
with all the rest of the man-children.
(laughs heartily) - That's a dick move!
- That's commerce for you, kids!
(laughs)
- (speaking Mandarin)
- Hi, little friends, it's me, Dulce,
and today we're going to learn...
Now, most civics classes will teach you about the president
and the Supreme Court, and Congress,
and blah, blah, blah, but you don't need to know any of that.
Hell, the biggest thing Congress does for you
is flood your inbox.
Every 15 minutes, "the future of the world"
depends on me sending ten bucks
to some dumbass in Rhode Island.
I'm going to tell you about the parts of the government
you'll meet in real life.
Let's start with the TSA.
That's the part of the government in charge of
feeling you up and confiscating
your little shampoo bottles filled with Hennessey.
Here's a tip, kids.
Always drink your booze before you get on the flight.
Mmm! (exhales)
And do you know how the TSA
gets away with harassing us like this?
It's 'cause the men...
...are so damn fine.
Next, we've got the IRS.
You know how the mafia collects protection money?
This is sort of like the same thing.
You see, whatever you make, the government wants a taste,
and the IRS are the guys who come to get it.
But don't worry, the government will use that money
for important things like drones and studies to see
if they can grow corn on the sun.
Next, the FBI.
Unless you're mobbed up,
you're probably not gonna hear much from these guys.
They're busy working on a backlog of cases from people
who copied a VHS tape in 1987.
Because if there's one thing the feds hate
more than al-Qaeda,
it's bootlegs of "Dirty Dancing."
There's also the CIA.
They're the ones selling drugs in your community.
(ding)
Let's move on to the judiciary, or as I call it, court shit.
No matter who you are, you're gonna be
in a lifelong battle against the justice system.
For some of you, it'll be avoiding jail.
But for most of you, it'll be avoiding jury duty.
Court is also where you go to get married,
and where you go back to to get divorced,
and where your defend yourself against grand theft auto charges
because he said the Ford Explorer was his
but you were the one making the payments!
And speaking of cars, let's move on to the DMV.
That's where you go to renew your license.
You'll wait in a long-ass line
next to all the weirdest people who live in your county.
In fact, I'm in a DMV line right now.
After this, I'm headed over to the State Department because
that's where you get your passport,
the document that has the smallest,
worst picture you've ever taken.
Oh, don't worry.
You only have to look at it for ten years.
What else? Oh, the Department of Education,
they're in charge of teaching you
the basics, like where to hide during a school shooting.
Other than that, they don't teach you shit,
which is why I'm here teaching you
on my day off.
They could have more funding,
but America needs that money for the Defense Department.
They're the ones out there enforcing the American empire
so you can maintain your way of life.
Oh, y'all didn't think I was gonna get real, did you?
(scoffs) If you're a male
over the age of 18, the military will make you
register for the draft, but not if you're a woman.
And that's fine with me.
I'm the kind of feminist that wants to be a CEO,
not a gunnery sergeant.
And that's basically most of government you interact with.
There's other agencies--
you got the EPA, FEMA, the Deep State,
but we'll get to them another time.
Right now, I gotta go get my license.
(camera charging)
(shutter clicks)
(newsreel reporter) Journalism is an incredibly
important profession, according to most journalists.
And it'seasier than ever to be a journalist.
You just have to be the son of a journalist
or the son of a journalist,
or the son of a politician,
or the daughter of a politician,
or the son of aVanderbilt.
Ask your parents and see!
- Well, that is our special.
Thank you so much for watching.
I hope we all learned something.
I know I learned much too late
that none of this is tax deductible.
Unbelievable.
Anyway, join us next time when we learn about
green energy subsidies from the Cayman Islands.
Class dismissed.
- This episode of "Remotely Educational"
was made possible by the support of viewers like you,
and also by Northstar Ballistics,
Trident Strategic Defense,
Black Ocean Armored, Iron Globe Partners,
Permanent Force Solutions, Obsidian Ring,
and Kiddie Casual, a subsidiary of Scorpius Heavy Industries.