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00:00:00,334 --> 00:00:02,102
- Hi, kids, it's me,
Trevor Noah.
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00:00:03,470 --> 00:00:06,507
Listen, I know it's really hard
during this pandemic to learn
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00:00:06,573 --> 00:00:09,209
anything from
a TV or a computer.
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00:00:09,276 --> 00:00:11,245
Heck, it's hard for adults.
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A lot of them try to
learn things online.
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00:00:13,547 --> 00:00:16,283
And the next thing you know,
they're storming the Capitol.
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But I wanted to help.
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00:00:18,118 --> 00:00:20,354
So I asked the team here
at "The Daily Show"
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00:00:20,420 --> 00:00:23,557
to help put together
a lesson plan for you guys.
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00:00:23,624 --> 00:00:25,859
And not just any lesson,
but the lessons
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00:00:25,926 --> 00:00:29,196
you won't learn in school
but that you need to know
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before life teaches them
to you the hard way.
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My friends at the show
agreed to help
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00:00:33,567 --> 00:00:35,636
because they're
all under contract.
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So without further ado,
please enjoy "The Daily Show's"
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00:00:38,872 --> 00:00:42,242
special presentation,
"Remotely Educational".
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00:00:42,309 --> 00:00:45,846
♪♪
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- Oh, hey, kids,
welcome to geography class.
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00:01:00,561 --> 00:01:02,296
What's the capital
of Mozambique?
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I don't know,
Google that shit.
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I am going to teach you
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geography you won't
learn in school,
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00:01:07,968 --> 00:01:09,136
but need to know.
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00:01:09,203 --> 00:01:12,406
Like today's lesson:
Who Hates Who?
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That's something
you've gotta know.
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00:01:14,541 --> 00:01:16,076
If your cab driver
is Serbian,
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you can't be talking about
that trip you took to Croatia.
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You're gonna get your ass
thrown out on the street.
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So I'ma tell you who hates who
around the globe.
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But I'm not going into why,
because I know I'll get
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one little thing wrong and then
both of 'em gonna be mad at me.
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And I don't want Kyrgyzstan
in my mentions--
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00:01:29,356 --> 00:01:30,757
(phone beeping)
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00:01:30,824 --> 00:01:32,125
Yeah, there they go already.
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00:01:32,192 --> 00:01:34,561
Okay, let's begin.
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00:01:34,628 --> 00:01:36,797
Chinese and Japanese
hate each other.
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00:01:36,864 --> 00:01:39,533
Indians and Pakistanis
can't stand each other.
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00:01:39,600 --> 00:01:41,201
Vietnamese and Cambodians
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00:01:41,268 --> 00:01:44,438
do not want to be in
the same room, at all.
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00:01:44,505 --> 00:01:45,873
Turks and Armenians
hate each other.
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00:01:45,939 --> 00:01:47,908
Turks and Greeks
also hate each other.
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00:01:47,975 --> 00:01:50,511
Turks and Kurds, they hate
each other too.
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00:01:50,577 --> 00:01:53,547
Honestly, Turkey is
the NeNe Leakes of Europe.
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00:01:53,614 --> 00:01:55,849
They always at the center
of some shit.
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00:01:55,916 --> 00:01:57,351
You got the Russians
and the Chechnyans,
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00:01:57,417 --> 00:01:58,719
they always arguing.
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00:01:58,785 --> 00:02:00,521
Hungarians and Roma,
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00:02:00,587 --> 00:02:01,955
Dinka and the Nuer,
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00:02:02,055 --> 00:02:03,257
the Irish and the British,
50
00:02:03,323 --> 00:02:04,625
Scots and
the British,
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00:02:04,691 --> 00:02:05,959
English and the British--
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00:02:06,059 --> 00:02:08,529
honestly, that whole island
hate itself.
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00:02:08,595 --> 00:02:10,197
Ghana and Nigeria.
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00:02:10,264 --> 00:02:12,165
Now, from what I understand
about this beef,
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00:02:12,232 --> 00:02:14,902
this one is mostly about rice.
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00:02:14,968 --> 00:02:17,371
So here's the thing,
Nigerians think Ghanaian rice
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00:02:17,437 --> 00:02:19,373
tastes like concrete,
and Guineans think
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00:02:19,439 --> 00:02:22,643
Nigerian rice is
a bigger international crime
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00:02:22,709 --> 00:02:24,311
than their email scams.
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00:02:24,378 --> 00:02:27,414
Fortunately, centuries
of colonialism have made
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00:02:27,481 --> 00:02:30,117
both countries too poor
to afford a nuke,
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00:02:30,184 --> 00:02:31,919
so it don't
really matter that much.
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00:02:31,985 --> 00:02:33,620
Iranians and the Saudis,
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00:02:33,687 --> 00:02:36,089
Saudis and the Houthis,
Saudis and the Qataris,
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00:02:36,123 --> 00:02:37,391
Saudis and the Israelis--
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00:02:37,457 --> 00:02:39,726
although, now they're
becoming friends
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00:02:39,793 --> 00:02:41,728
because they both hate
the Iranians more.
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00:02:41,795 --> 00:02:43,997
In a way, Iran
is really bringing
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00:02:44,097 --> 00:02:45,399
the Middle East together.
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00:02:45,465 --> 00:02:47,201
You've got the Sudan
and South Sudan,
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00:02:47,267 --> 00:02:48,869
North Korea and South Korea.
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00:02:48,936 --> 00:02:50,671
Matter of fact,
if there's two countries
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00:02:50,737 --> 00:02:52,172
with the same name,
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00:02:52,239 --> 00:02:54,775
they definitely hate
each other.
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00:02:54,842 --> 00:02:56,777
And then, of course,
you've got
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00:02:56,844 --> 00:02:58,779
the Israelis
and the Palestinia--
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00:02:58,846 --> 00:03:00,514
(phone beeping)
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00:03:00,581 --> 00:03:02,282
I said I'm not
getting into it!
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00:03:02,349 --> 00:03:04,251
God damn.
(beep)
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00:03:04,318 --> 00:03:05,786
All right,
let's wrap this up.
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00:03:05,853 --> 00:03:06,954
Last beef,
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00:03:07,054 --> 00:03:09,823
America and everybody else.
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00:03:09,890 --> 00:03:10,958
Yeah, that's right.
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00:03:11,058 --> 00:03:12,926
I'ma give it to you
straight, kids.
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00:03:13,060 --> 00:03:14,628
Every other country hates us.
86
00:03:14,695 --> 00:03:16,063
They all hate us.
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00:03:16,063 --> 00:03:18,699
Some of them we invaded,
some of them we overthrew,
88
00:03:18,765 --> 00:03:20,067
most of them we bombed,
89
00:03:20,100 --> 00:03:21,869
some of them we saved
from the Nazis,
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00:03:21,935 --> 00:03:23,303
so I don't know
why they mad.
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00:03:23,370 --> 00:03:25,973
But it is what it is,
the game is the game.
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00:03:26,073 --> 00:03:28,475
But that leads me to
my Tip of the Day, kids.
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00:03:28,542 --> 00:03:30,811
If you ever travel abroad,
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00:03:30,878 --> 00:03:32,679
do what I do...
95
00:03:32,746 --> 00:03:34,515
pretend you're Canadian!
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00:03:34,581 --> 00:03:36,350
Hell yeah,
you put that maple leaf
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00:03:36,416 --> 00:03:39,119
on your head right there, man,
'cause the here's the thing.
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00:03:39,186 --> 00:03:43,290
If it's one country that
nobody hates, it's Canada.
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00:03:43,357 --> 00:03:45,292
To be honest, I don't know
what that's all "aboot,"
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00:03:45,359 --> 00:03:47,594
but I'ma make it
work for me.
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00:03:47,661 --> 00:03:49,429
That's it for today, kids.
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See you next time
in geography class.
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Eh?
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00:03:58,172 --> 00:04:00,607
- (speaking Spanish)
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00:04:24,565 --> 00:04:27,568
- Hi, kids, welcome to
Miss Desi's Math for Real Life.
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00:04:27,634 --> 00:04:29,303
Calculus is cool and all,
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00:04:29,369 --> 00:04:31,371
but if you're part
of the 99% of adults
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00:04:31,438 --> 00:04:33,507
who don't become math teachers,
you'll want to learn
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00:04:33,574 --> 00:04:35,509
some math that
you won't learn in school.
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00:04:35,576 --> 00:04:38,512
Now there are two times
normal adults use math:
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00:04:38,579 --> 00:04:41,515
Tipping your waiter 20%...
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00:04:41,582 --> 00:04:43,350
- This is only 8%.
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00:04:43,417 --> 00:04:45,686
- ...and buying a home.
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00:04:45,752 --> 00:04:47,487
Buying a home is like
getting married.
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00:04:47,554 --> 00:04:49,423
It's a huge decision
and you're only gonna do it
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00:04:49,489 --> 00:04:51,291
one to four times
in your life.
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00:04:51,358 --> 00:04:54,595
Lucky for you,
I'm a licensed real estate agent
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00:04:54,661 --> 00:04:56,096
like one third of adults
in America,
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00:04:56,163 --> 00:04:59,266
so I can help you
through this big decision.
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00:05:02,035 --> 00:05:03,470
Usually to buy a house,
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00:05:03,537 --> 00:05:06,173
you'll need to put 20% of
the price as a down payment.
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00:05:06,240 --> 00:05:08,742
So for a $500,000 house,
you'll need to have
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00:05:08,809 --> 00:05:10,744
$100,000 in savings.
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00:05:10,811 --> 00:05:13,614
But you only have $3,000.
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00:05:13,680 --> 00:05:15,482
Don't worry,
we'll figure that out later.
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00:05:15,549 --> 00:05:17,784
Let's move on to the fun part...
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00:05:21,321 --> 00:05:23,590
Look at all these
beautiful houses.
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00:05:23,657 --> 00:05:25,192
- I'm a Victorian!
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00:05:25,259 --> 00:05:26,760
- I'm Mid-century modern.
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00:05:26,827 --> 00:05:29,496
- And we're twins.
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00:05:29,563 --> 00:05:32,666
- But you can't afford
any of these houses.
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00:05:32,733 --> 00:05:35,068
Oh wait, but what about
that one on the end over there?
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00:05:35,135 --> 00:05:36,503
That looks nice.
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00:05:36,570 --> 00:05:39,106
- I'm only affordable because
a murder happened in me
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00:05:39,173 --> 00:05:41,108
and I can't stop
thinking about it.
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00:05:41,175 --> 00:05:44,111
My walls will never be clean.
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00:05:44,178 --> 00:05:46,947
- In realtor speak,
we call this "character."
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00:05:47,080 --> 00:05:48,682
So let's put an offer in.
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00:05:50,851 --> 00:05:52,553
An offer is the price
you tell the seller
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00:05:52,619 --> 00:05:54,421
you're willing to pay
for the house.
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00:05:54,488 --> 00:05:57,791
Let's offer $750K
contingent on inspection.
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00:05:57,858 --> 00:06:00,027
I think that's good.
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00:06:00,027 --> 00:06:02,029
Ooh, they countered at
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00:06:02,029 --> 00:06:03,897
$2 million,
last and final.
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00:06:04,031 --> 00:06:06,266
I know it's more than we talked
about but I suggest we take it.
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00:06:06,333 --> 00:06:08,101
There's a Saudi shell company
right behind you
147
00:06:08,168 --> 00:06:09,603
ready to pay all cash.
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00:06:09,670 --> 00:06:11,605
Just a quick thing,
I'm paid on commission,
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00:06:11,672 --> 00:06:13,941
so it's really important to me
that you buy this house,
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00:06:14,041 --> 00:06:16,810
but not really important
to me that you can afford it.
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00:06:16,877 --> 00:06:19,446
So you'll accept?
Congrats, onto step four.
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00:06:21,315 --> 00:06:22,916
Once you've signed
the initial contract,
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00:06:23,050 --> 00:06:24,585
now it's time to send
a forest's worth
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00:06:24,651 --> 00:06:26,286
of paperwork to the bank.
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00:06:26,353 --> 00:06:27,788
They'll need pay stubs,
bank statements,
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00:06:27,855 --> 00:06:30,057
W-2s, a credit report,
a letter from your employer,
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00:06:30,090 --> 00:06:32,059
and your parents address because
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00:06:32,125 --> 00:06:34,194
somebody's gonna pay
for this house!
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00:06:34,261 --> 00:06:37,097
While you fill all that out,
let's get the house inspected.
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00:06:39,600 --> 00:06:41,368
Hello, Mr. Wrench,
how the house looking?
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00:06:41,435 --> 00:06:42,703
- Oh, yeah,
it's falling apart.
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00:06:42,769 --> 00:06:44,705
You got black mold,
the furnace is shot,
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00:06:44,771 --> 00:06:46,273
and the septic system
needs to be replaced.
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00:06:46,340 --> 00:06:48,275
- That's right,
the septic system.
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00:06:48,342 --> 00:06:50,944
I bet you didn't know this house
has a big tub of shit under it.
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00:06:51,078 --> 00:06:52,846
It's right next to the well.
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00:06:55,382 --> 00:06:56,950
Once the bank approves
your paperwork,
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00:06:57,084 --> 00:06:59,152
you sign the final contracts
with the previous owner
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00:06:59,219 --> 00:07:01,555
and the bank
and you own the house.
170
00:07:01,622 --> 00:07:03,223
(triumphant music)
171
00:07:03,290 --> 00:07:05,225
Specifically,
you own 20% of the house,
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00:07:05,292 --> 00:07:07,494
the rest belongs to the bank--
oh, which reminds me,
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00:07:07,561 --> 00:07:09,496
meet Marty the Mortgage.
- Where's my money?
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00:07:09,563 --> 00:07:11,331
You better have it
by the first of the month
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00:07:11,398 --> 00:07:12,833
or your ass will be out
in the street.
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00:07:12,900 --> 00:07:15,335
I don't give a crap
if it's winter.
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00:07:15,402 --> 00:07:18,071
So remember to pay
your mortgage and be happy,
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00:07:18,138 --> 00:07:20,507
because you're living
the American dream.
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00:07:20,574 --> 00:07:22,442
You own a home!
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00:07:22,509 --> 00:07:24,511
And that's math class.
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00:07:27,748 --> 00:07:29,349
(tape whirring)
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00:07:29,416 --> 00:07:33,687
(distorted music)
183
00:07:33,754 --> 00:07:35,055
(narrator)
This is a factory.
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00:07:35,122 --> 00:07:38,692
It's where we make
the products we use.
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00:07:38,759 --> 00:07:41,061
At the loading dock,
raw materials arrive
186
00:07:41,061 --> 00:07:42,930
to start the process.
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00:07:43,063 --> 00:07:48,402
Inside, workers do specialized
jobs on the assembly line.
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00:07:48,468 --> 00:07:50,737
In the office, managers plan
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00:07:50,804 --> 00:07:53,707
how to move the whole
operation overseas.
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00:07:53,774 --> 00:07:56,243
These talks spill over
into steak dinners
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00:07:56,310 --> 00:07:58,512
where difficult choices
are made.
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00:07:58,579 --> 00:08:02,349
This is the new, cheaper
factoryin Cambodia.
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00:08:02,416 --> 00:08:05,452
With increased profits,
shareholders and executives
194
00:08:05,519 --> 00:08:07,588
are able to buy yachts,
195
00:08:07,654 --> 00:08:12,292
artwork, narcotics,
politicians,
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00:08:12,359 --> 00:08:15,596
and memberships
in sadistic sex cults.
197
00:08:15,662 --> 00:08:18,532
Through this process,
America's business leaders
198
00:08:18,599 --> 00:08:20,267
keep the country running
199
00:08:20,334 --> 00:08:22,936
while turning old factories
into loft apartments
200
00:08:23,036 --> 00:08:28,542
for their adult children
who do filmmaking, photography,
201
00:08:28,609 --> 00:08:30,878
and other fake things.
202
00:08:30,944 --> 00:08:33,046
This process will
be repeated until
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00:08:33,046 --> 00:08:35,382
the system collapses,
leaving us scavenging
204
00:08:35,449 --> 00:08:37,551
for berries and potable water.
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00:08:37,618 --> 00:08:40,287
And that is
how business works.
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00:08:44,790 --> 00:08:45,624
(female narrator)
Today's show was brought to you
207
00:08:45,691 --> 00:08:47,926
by the letters M and K.
208
00:08:47,993 --> 00:08:51,463
MKUltra was a CIA
mind control project
209
00:08:51,530 --> 00:08:53,899
that illegally experimented
on humans to identify
210
00:08:53,966 --> 00:08:56,969
substances that could coerce
people into making confessions.
211
00:08:57,035 --> 00:08:59,471
M-K!
212
00:08:59,538 --> 00:09:01,473
♪♪
213
00:09:04,643 --> 00:09:08,413
♪♪
214
00:09:18,924 --> 00:09:21,160
- Hey, uh, welcome
to science class today.
215
00:09:21,226 --> 00:09:23,996
Today we're gonna talk
about animals.
216
00:09:24,062 --> 00:09:27,599
And I know you kids all like
the fancy animals, okay,
217
00:09:27,666 --> 00:09:29,268
but stop being
so thirsty for hippos,
218
00:09:29,334 --> 00:09:31,436
because unless you're
a Colombian drug lord
219
00:09:31,503 --> 00:09:33,272
you're never gonna
own one, okay?
220
00:09:33,338 --> 00:09:35,841
Instead, today, we're gonna
talk about the animals
221
00:09:35,908 --> 00:09:38,010
you'll actually encounter.
222
00:09:38,076 --> 00:09:40,679
The ones that will
infest your house,
223
00:09:40,746 --> 00:09:43,682
animals like the fruit fly.
224
00:09:43,749 --> 00:09:45,584
This is a mild infestation.
225
00:09:45,684 --> 00:09:48,120
As far as the insects go,
fruit flies are pretty chill.
226
00:09:48,187 --> 00:09:49,922
They are like most
Brooklyn hipsters,
227
00:09:49,988 --> 00:09:53,125
very picky eaters, and they have
zero upper body strength.
228
00:09:53,192 --> 00:09:55,427
Also, they do it
doggy style.
229
00:09:55,494 --> 00:09:57,429
Who knew?
230
00:09:57,496 --> 00:10:00,199
Anyway, getting rid of them is
pretty straightforward.
231
00:10:00,265 --> 00:10:03,836
Just stop leaving piles of
rotting fruit lying around, duh!
232
00:10:03,902 --> 00:10:06,371
A worst infestation
is bedbugs.
233
00:10:06,438 --> 00:10:09,341
Much like Armie Hammer,
they feed on human blood.
234
00:10:09,408 --> 00:10:11,877
Getting rid of bedbugs
is almost impossible.
235
00:10:11,944 --> 00:10:15,481
So if you get them, the best
solution is to just leave.
236
00:10:15,547 --> 00:10:17,583
Walk out of the door,
start a new life,
237
00:10:17,716 --> 00:10:19,551
like Miley Cyrus.
238
00:10:19,618 --> 00:10:21,720
People think Hannah Montana
was a character, but it was just
239
00:10:21,787 --> 00:10:23,989
who she was
until she got bedbugs.
240
00:10:24,056 --> 00:10:27,459
Next up, lady bugs or as
scientists call them,
241
00:10:27,526 --> 00:10:29,161
"women bugs."
242
00:10:29,228 --> 00:10:32,297
This is maybe the best
infestation you can have.
243
00:10:32,364 --> 00:10:33,632
They don't really
do anything
244
00:10:33,732 --> 00:10:35,801
and for bugs,
they look pretty.
245
00:10:35,868 --> 00:10:38,137
They're like beetles that just
got their nails done.
246
00:10:38,203 --> 00:10:41,440
But enough about insects,
let's move on to mammals,
247
00:10:41,507 --> 00:10:45,244
specifically mice,
the freeloader rodents.
248
00:10:45,310 --> 00:10:48,714
And to be clear, not all
rodents are freeloaders.
249
00:10:48,780 --> 00:10:50,382
Just look at squirrels.
250
00:10:50,449 --> 00:10:52,151
They're like
small business owners,
251
00:10:52,217 --> 00:10:53,819
hustling out there,
252
00:10:53,886 --> 00:10:56,188
renting storage lockers
for their nuts.
253
00:10:56,255 --> 00:10:58,690
But mice just want your food.
254
00:10:58,690 --> 00:11:02,127
Now, mice like to come into your
home because it's nice and cozy.
255
00:11:02,194 --> 00:11:05,697
That's why the best way to deter
that is to make your home
256
00:11:05,764 --> 00:11:08,901
cold and inhospitable,
like a Scandinavian's.
257
00:11:08,967 --> 00:11:11,904
If you do have mice,
you'll know because they take
258
00:11:11,970 --> 00:11:14,239
these little shits in your house
that look exactly like
259
00:11:14,306 --> 00:11:17,709
chocolate Tic Tacs, but they are
not chocolate Tic Tacs.
260
00:11:17,709 --> 00:11:21,947
That's a lesson I learned
many, many times.
261
00:11:22,014 --> 00:11:25,117
Finally, the king
of pests: raccoons.
262
00:11:25,184 --> 00:11:27,085
Raccoons evolved
millions of years ago
263
00:11:27,152 --> 00:11:28,887
when a bear (bleep) a monkey.
264
00:11:28,954 --> 00:11:30,722
(chuckles)
Of course I'm just kidding.
265
00:11:30,789 --> 00:11:33,725
Science doesn't actually know
where they came from.
266
00:11:33,792 --> 00:11:36,895
Mostly they just go through
your garbage looking for food
267
00:11:36,962 --> 00:11:38,897
and anything they
can sell on eBay.
268
00:11:38,964 --> 00:11:40,732
They're how nature recycles.
269
00:11:40,732 --> 00:11:42,534
You have to be careful
around raccoons.
270
00:11:42,601 --> 00:11:45,037
They are one of the primary
carriers of rabies,
271
00:11:45,103 --> 00:11:48,273
a virus that makes animals act
like they're from New Jersey.
272
00:11:48,340 --> 00:11:50,943
If you see a raccoon foaming
at the mouth,
273
00:11:51,009 --> 00:11:53,178
do not go near it
with a calzone.
274
00:11:53,245 --> 00:11:55,347
It will fight you for it.
275
00:11:55,414 --> 00:11:58,016
So, yeah,
those are all the animals
276
00:11:58,083 --> 00:11:59,751
you actually need
to know about.
277
00:11:59,818 --> 00:12:01,720
I hope you found this
educational.
278
00:12:01,787 --> 00:12:04,490
Now if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna enjoy some of these
279
00:12:04,556 --> 00:12:07,960
chocolate Tic Tacs
I just found.
280
00:12:08,026 --> 00:12:10,796
Oh-- (spits) Damnit!
281
00:12:10,863 --> 00:12:13,499
Okay, well,
I'll see you guys next week.
282
00:12:13,565 --> 00:12:16,702
Mmm, maybe this one?
283
00:12:16,735 --> 00:12:19,972
No! No, no.
That was poo too.
284
00:12:20,038 --> 00:12:23,442
♪♪
285
00:12:29,815 --> 00:12:33,018
♪♪
286
00:12:33,085 --> 00:12:35,020
(whistle blowing)
287
00:12:35,087 --> 00:12:37,156
- All right, everybody,
it's time for gym class.
288
00:12:37,222 --> 00:12:38,490
It's also time for sex ed,
289
00:12:38,557 --> 00:12:40,926
which is taught by gym teachers
for some reason.
290
00:12:40,993 --> 00:12:42,895
Let's get right
into it, shall we?
291
00:12:42,961 --> 00:12:44,963
(whistling)
292
00:12:46,665 --> 00:12:49,134
Sex.
(chuckles)
293
00:12:49,201 --> 00:12:50,936
These days, the internet
is going to give you
294
00:12:51,003 --> 00:12:54,072
the wrong idea about sex,
that it's fun.
295
00:12:54,139 --> 00:12:55,474
Well, it's not.
296
00:12:55,541 --> 00:12:57,843
When you're single,
getting lucky isn't having sex.
297
00:12:57,910 --> 00:13:00,179
It's getting a clean blood test
six weeks later.
298
00:13:00,245 --> 00:13:02,114
And when you're married?
(blows raspberry)
299
00:13:02,181 --> 00:13:04,449
It's not much better.
She's more interested
300
00:13:04,516 --> 00:13:07,286
in her Hitachi personal massager
from Brookstone.
301
00:13:07,352 --> 00:13:10,289
And you're so desensitized
by porn that you can't
302
00:13:10,355 --> 00:13:11,857
get things going
unless you imagine
303
00:13:11,924 --> 00:13:14,226
she's a mermaid but with legs.
304
00:13:14,293 --> 00:13:16,395
Hey, let's get 20 jumping jacks
going, hit me!
305
00:13:16,462 --> 00:13:20,699
(blows whistle rhythmically)
306
00:13:20,732 --> 00:13:23,535
Now, if you're into feet,
that's kind of cool because
307
00:13:23,602 --> 00:13:25,270
you can just go to the beach.
308
00:13:25,337 --> 00:13:28,040
♪♪
309
00:13:28,106 --> 00:13:31,243
♪♪
310
00:13:31,310 --> 00:13:33,545
- Grandpa Lew,
I'm Billy.
311
00:13:33,612 --> 00:13:36,415
I'm nine years old,
and one day I will be
312
00:13:36,482 --> 00:13:39,151
president of
the United States.
313
00:13:39,218 --> 00:13:41,587
- Well, first off,
don't call me "grandpa," kid.
314
00:13:41,720 --> 00:13:44,723
Secondly, no, you're not!
315
00:13:44,790 --> 00:13:46,792
You'll have to wait
until you're 35,
316
00:13:46,859 --> 00:13:50,662
and this country's not
gonna be around that long.
317
00:13:50,662 --> 00:13:52,898
But if you like throwing
your weight around
318
00:13:52,965 --> 00:13:56,235
and holding the fate of people
in the palm of your hand,
319
00:13:56,301 --> 00:14:00,906
why not enter the exciting field
of reality show judges?
320
00:14:00,973 --> 00:14:03,909
There's voting,
people respect your opinion
321
00:14:03,976 --> 00:14:07,279
even though you have no clue
what you're talking about,
322
00:14:07,346 --> 00:14:09,915
and the best part is you'll
never have to eat
323
00:14:09,982 --> 00:14:13,585
a corn dog in (bleep) Iowa!
324
00:14:13,685 --> 00:14:15,420
So be that instead.
325
00:14:15,487 --> 00:14:17,523
I command it!
326
00:14:19,358 --> 00:14:22,127
- Grandpa Lew, I love animals.
327
00:14:22,194 --> 00:14:25,731
I have a dog and a cat now
and my dream job when I grow up
328
00:14:25,798 --> 00:14:28,267
is to help them by becoming
a veterinarian.
329
00:14:28,333 --> 00:14:33,872
- Again, it's not Grandpa Lew,
it's Guidance Counselor Lew.
330
00:14:33,939 --> 00:14:37,709
And unfortunately, vet school
can cost over $300 grand
331
00:14:37,709 --> 00:14:39,878
and will take you
decades to pay off,
332
00:14:39,945 --> 00:14:44,216
because people love their pets,
but they love their money more.
333
00:14:44,283 --> 00:14:46,118
I'm not taking out
a second mortgage
334
00:14:46,185 --> 00:14:48,387
to fix Muffin's thyroid.
335
00:14:48,453 --> 00:14:50,889
Lucky for you,
there's a cheaper way
336
00:14:50,956 --> 00:14:53,725
to work with animals without
all the hassle.
337
00:14:53,792 --> 00:14:55,561
The Russian circus!
338
00:14:55,661 --> 00:14:58,697
An unregulated paradise
of animal performers.
339
00:14:58,764 --> 00:15:02,134
You'll get to treat
all kinds of furry friends,
340
00:15:02,201 --> 00:15:05,270
from endangered species
sold on the black market,
341
00:15:05,337 --> 00:15:08,674
to a panda that you're pretty
sure is actually just a dog
342
00:15:08,707 --> 00:15:10,209
painted black and white.
343
00:15:10,275 --> 00:15:12,277
And you not only get
to care for bears,
344
00:15:12,344 --> 00:15:14,213
you get to wrestle 'em.
345
00:15:14,279 --> 00:15:16,582
What a treat, huh?
346
00:15:16,682 --> 00:15:18,584
I'm going to sign you up.
347
00:15:19,985 --> 00:15:22,287
- Grandpa Lew,
I'm Kylie,
348
00:15:22,354 --> 00:15:25,324
and when I grow up,
I want to be an astronaut.
349
00:15:25,390 --> 00:15:27,526
- That's a great career choice.
350
00:15:27,593 --> 00:15:28,861
I mean,
to be an astronaut,
351
00:15:28,927 --> 00:15:31,330
you have to be an expert
in math and science.
352
00:15:31,396 --> 00:15:34,333
And if you're trapped in
the American educational system,
353
00:15:34,399 --> 00:15:37,269
you've got no chance
at that.
354
00:15:37,336 --> 00:15:42,307
So I suggest you try for another
job that will let you enjoy
355
00:15:42,374 --> 00:15:45,244
the majesty of space...
356
00:15:45,310 --> 00:15:47,246
an usher at a planetarium!
357
00:15:47,312 --> 00:15:50,415
You get to experience
distant worlds!
358
00:15:50,482 --> 00:15:52,751
So do that instead.
359
00:15:54,686 --> 00:15:59,358
All right, last kid,
I am getting sick of this shit.
360
00:15:59,424 --> 00:16:02,795
- Mr. Black,
I'm Olivia
361
00:16:02,861 --> 00:16:05,497
and I want to become a mid-level
account representative
362
00:16:05,564 --> 00:16:08,367
for a marketing company.
363
00:16:08,433 --> 00:16:12,171
- Now that's a career choice!
364
00:16:12,237 --> 00:16:14,773
You don't need any advice
from me, Olivia.
365
00:16:14,840 --> 00:16:17,142
You get what life's all about.
366
00:16:17,209 --> 00:16:20,212
Set a realistic goal,
achieve it,
367
00:16:20,279 --> 00:16:23,749
and spend your weekends drinking
margaritas at Chili's.
368
00:16:25,150 --> 00:16:27,252
All right,
well, that's enough
369
00:16:27,319 --> 00:16:30,088
correcting kids'
hopeless dreams.
370
00:16:30,155 --> 00:16:33,125
Until next time, goodbye
from Grandpa Lew--
371
00:16:33,192 --> 00:16:34,860
I mean,
Guidance Counselor Lew!
372
00:16:34,927 --> 00:16:37,429
Damnit, now they got me
doing it!
373
00:16:39,698 --> 00:16:41,066
- ♪ Yah, let me
introduce you ♪
374
00:16:41,133 --> 00:16:42,701
♪ To some new thangs ♪
375
00:16:42,734 --> 00:16:44,670
♪ New thangs... ♪
376
00:16:44,736 --> 00:16:46,738
(all speaking Korean)
377
00:17:41,960 --> 00:17:44,129
- The answer after the break.
378
00:17:50,569 --> 00:17:53,172
- The answer is... C!
379
00:17:53,238 --> 00:17:56,008
While cheetahs can reach
75 miles an hour,
380
00:17:56,075 --> 00:17:58,677
a properly intoxicated
congressman can drive from
381
00:17:58,744 --> 00:18:01,113
a crime scene at twice
that speed.
382
00:18:01,180 --> 00:18:04,183
♪♪
383
00:18:06,018 --> 00:18:09,221
- Hey, kids, today we're going
to learn about commerce,
384
00:18:09,288 --> 00:18:11,056
and we're going to do it with
some help from my friend
385
00:18:11,123 --> 00:18:12,891
Smugly.
- (groans)
386
00:18:12,958 --> 00:18:15,260
- Smugly, I wanna buy
an action figure collectible
387
00:18:15,327 --> 00:18:17,162
from the new
Robo-Dinosaur movie,
388
00:18:17,229 --> 00:18:18,797
but I'm not sure if I have
enough money.
389
00:18:18,864 --> 00:18:21,667
If I have
four quarters and ten dimes,
390
00:18:21,734 --> 00:18:23,702
can you tell me how much
that's worth?
391
00:18:23,769 --> 00:18:25,771
- Yeah, you got scrap metal.
392
00:18:25,838 --> 00:18:28,674
- No, it's money.
393
00:18:28,741 --> 00:18:30,342
- That's called
Fiat money.
394
00:18:30,409 --> 00:18:31,677
And the future is crypto.
395
00:18:31,744 --> 00:18:34,012
You've gotta get
into bitcoin.
396
00:18:34,079 --> 00:18:36,348
- Bitcoin, isn't that
the money you use
397
00:18:36,415 --> 00:18:38,250
to buy synthetic marijuana
from the Philippines?
398
00:18:38,317 --> 00:18:40,419
- No, no, no, no,
no, no, no.
399
00:18:40,486 --> 00:18:42,121
I mean, yes,
but not just that.
400
00:18:42,187 --> 00:18:44,390
You can buy all kinds of
things with bitcoin.
401
00:18:44,456 --> 00:18:47,559
- Like a Robo-Dinosaur
collectible?
402
00:18:47,626 --> 00:18:49,728
- Uh, sure, you can
buy any dumb toy you want.
403
00:18:49,795 --> 00:18:51,263
- Well, technically, it's not
a toy, it's a collectable.
404
00:18:51,296 --> 00:18:54,066
- You see, Bitcoin is a semi
anonymous digital currency
405
00:18:54,133 --> 00:18:56,502
with transactions recorded
in an open ledger
406
00:18:56,568 --> 00:18:58,837
stored online in
what's called the blockchain.
407
00:18:58,904 --> 00:19:01,407
- Ooh, blockchain,
like Legos.
408
00:19:01,473 --> 00:19:03,709
- Legos? Jesus Christ...
- Similar to Legos.
409
00:19:03,776 --> 00:19:04,877
- Okay, let me start
at the beginning.
410
00:19:04,943 --> 00:19:07,880
Give me a dollar.
411
00:19:07,946 --> 00:19:12,051
- Okay, now what is this
dollar bill worth?
412
00:19:12,117 --> 00:19:14,153
- One dollar.
- Mm-hmm.
413
00:19:14,286 --> 00:19:16,288
Which is worth wiping
my puppet ass with.
414
00:19:16,321 --> 00:19:18,190
- What? Oh, Smugly,
that's my dollar.
415
00:19:18,290 --> 00:19:21,126
- Relax, man, every dollar bill
has been in someone's ass.
416
00:19:21,193 --> 00:19:23,629
The point is it comes from
a central bank which can just
417
00:19:23,695 --> 00:19:25,297
print them out
of thin air.
418
00:19:25,364 --> 00:19:28,100
That's called inflation.
419
00:19:28,167 --> 00:19:29,768
And that's why 30 years ago,
420
00:19:29,835 --> 00:19:31,837
a bottle of Lambrusco
only cost $5,
421
00:19:31,904 --> 00:19:33,338
and now I'm paying like 15?
422
00:19:33,405 --> 00:19:35,340
That's highway robbery.
423
00:19:35,407 --> 00:19:38,877
- So how does Bitcoin
fix all of this?
424
00:19:38,944 --> 00:19:41,046
- Oh, well, it's hard capped
at 21 million bitcoins,
425
00:19:41,113 --> 00:19:43,082
so there's no inflation,
and the only way to find
426
00:19:43,148 --> 00:19:45,084
those 21 million
is through mining.
427
00:19:45,150 --> 00:19:47,686
- Mining, so bitcoins
come from the ground.
428
00:19:47,753 --> 00:19:49,688
- No, not that kind of mining.
429
00:19:49,755 --> 00:19:52,758
Jesus, this is why I didn't want
to work on a kid's show.
430
00:19:52,825 --> 00:19:55,694
But, oh, a puppet can't work
a trading desk at Goldman.
431
00:19:55,761 --> 00:19:58,330
That's discrimination.
432
00:19:58,397 --> 00:20:01,133
- Should you really be mixing
pills and wine like that?
433
00:20:01,266 --> 00:20:02,267
That's how Prince died.
434
00:20:02,334 --> 00:20:04,169
- Whoa...
435
00:20:05,604 --> 00:20:07,106
(retches)
436
00:20:07,172 --> 00:20:09,408
Okay, all you need to know is
that you and all the other kids
437
00:20:09,475 --> 00:20:11,477
out there better make
the leap to bitcoin
438
00:20:11,543 --> 00:20:15,280
as soon as you can.
- Can't, I'm 41.
439
00:20:15,314 --> 00:20:16,749
- 41?
440
00:20:16,815 --> 00:20:18,283
And you're trying to buy
a toy dinosaur?
441
00:20:18,317 --> 00:20:20,152
Sweetbaby James,
I thought you just had like,
442
00:20:20,285 --> 00:20:21,487
a hormone imbalance
or something...
443
00:20:21,553 --> 00:20:22,988
- To be clear,
it's a collectible.
444
00:20:23,055 --> 00:20:25,758
Look, if I want to buy
one of these bitcoins,
445
00:20:25,824 --> 00:20:27,626
how much does it cost?
- Well, that depends
446
00:20:27,693 --> 00:20:29,862
on the market rate and what
someone will take for it.
447
00:20:29,928 --> 00:20:31,764
Right now,
they're worth a lot.
448
00:20:31,830 --> 00:20:34,800
- More than a toy dinosaur?
- A toy dinosaur?
449
00:20:34,867 --> 00:20:37,536
Buddy, for one bitcoin,
I could pay Barney to watch me
450
00:20:37,603 --> 00:20:39,571
Baby Bop his wife.
(chuckles)
451
00:20:39,638 --> 00:20:41,573
- Sounds like
I better get a bitcoin.
452
00:20:41,640 --> 00:20:44,576
It's the money of the future
unless the power
453
00:20:44,643 --> 00:20:46,311
or internet access goes out,
454
00:20:46,311 --> 00:20:47,813
and the risk of being
decentralized means
455
00:20:47,880 --> 00:20:50,582
if someone gets control
of 51% of the blockchain,
456
00:20:50,649 --> 00:20:52,117
they may alter the ledger,
457
00:20:52,251 --> 00:20:53,685
and of course
the deflation problem
458
00:20:53,752 --> 00:20:56,255
because why would anyone use
bitcoin to buy things
459
00:20:56,321 --> 00:20:58,123
if it keeps getting
more valuable?
460
00:20:58,257 --> 00:21:00,826
And hey, you may not be able
to print new bitcoins,
461
00:21:00,893 --> 00:21:03,595
but anyone can make new crypto,
so bitcoin could be made
462
00:21:03,662 --> 00:21:05,097
obsolete through competition,
463
00:21:05,164 --> 00:21:08,434
or the government could just
decide to ban them.
464
00:21:08,500 --> 00:21:11,403
Anyway, that's just a couple
thoughts off the top of my head.
465
00:21:11,470 --> 00:21:14,440
- Yeah, those are, uh,
those are good points.
466
00:21:14,506 --> 00:21:16,775
That's why the safest thing
to do is to diversify
467
00:21:16,842 --> 00:21:18,410
and to put your money
into other things.
468
00:21:18,477 --> 00:21:20,279
- Like what?
- Well, while you were talking,
469
00:21:20,312 --> 00:21:22,081
I bought this
collectible dinosaur.
470
00:21:22,147 --> 00:21:24,717
- Okay, well, that's what
I wanted to buy.
471
00:21:24,783 --> 00:21:27,186
- Yeah, exactly.
There's clearly a demand,
472
00:21:27,286 --> 00:21:29,188
and that's what makes it
valuable in the market.
473
00:21:29,288 --> 00:21:31,023
- Why don't you let me
buy that off you?
474
00:21:31,090 --> 00:21:32,524
- Well, you can
bid for it on eBay
475
00:21:32,591 --> 00:21:33,892
with all the rest of
the man-children.
476
00:21:33,959 --> 00:21:36,729
(laughs heartily)
- That's a dick move!
477
00:21:36,795 --> 00:21:39,064
- That's commerce
for you, kids!
478
00:21:39,131 --> 00:21:40,866
(laughs)
479
00:21:46,372 --> 00:21:49,375
- (speaking Mandarin)
480
00:22:12,731 --> 00:22:15,534
- Hi, little friends,
it's me, Dulce,
481
00:22:15,601 --> 00:22:17,269
and today we're
going to learn...
482
00:22:19,705 --> 00:22:22,741
Now, most civics classes will
teach you about the president
483
00:22:22,808 --> 00:22:25,310
and the Supreme Court,
and Congress,
484
00:22:25,377 --> 00:22:29,281
and blah, blah, blah, but you
don't need to know any of that.
485
00:22:29,314 --> 00:22:31,583
Hell, the biggest thing
Congress does for you
486
00:22:31,650 --> 00:22:32,918
is flood your inbox.
487
00:22:32,985 --> 00:22:35,654
Every 15 minutes,
"the future of the world"
488
00:22:35,721 --> 00:22:37,656
depends on me sending ten bucks
489
00:22:37,723 --> 00:22:39,725
to some dumbass in
Rhode Island.
490
00:22:39,792 --> 00:22:41,593
I'm going to tell you about
the parts of the government
491
00:22:41,660 --> 00:22:43,595
you'll meet in real life.
492
00:22:43,662 --> 00:22:45,531
Let's start with
the TSA.
493
00:22:45,597 --> 00:22:47,399
That's the part of
the government in charge of
494
00:22:47,466 --> 00:22:50,669
feeling you up
and confiscating
495
00:22:50,736 --> 00:22:52,905
your little shampoo bottles
filled with Hennessey.
496
00:22:52,971 --> 00:22:54,573
Here's a tip, kids.
497
00:22:54,640 --> 00:22:58,911
Always drink your booze before
you get on the flight.
498
00:22:58,977 --> 00:23:00,946
Mmm!
(exhales)
499
00:23:01,013 --> 00:23:02,848
And do you know how the TSA
500
00:23:02,915 --> 00:23:06,385
gets away with harassing us like
this?
501
00:23:06,452 --> 00:23:08,287
It's 'cause the men...
502
00:23:08,353 --> 00:23:10,022
...are so damn fine.
503
00:23:11,857 --> 00:23:14,493
Next, we've got the IRS.
504
00:23:14,560 --> 00:23:17,162
You know how the mafia
collects protection money?
505
00:23:17,262 --> 00:23:19,164
This is sort of like
the same thing.
506
00:23:19,264 --> 00:23:23,168
You see, whatever you make,
the government wants a taste,
507
00:23:23,268 --> 00:23:26,105
and the IRS are the guys
who come to get it.
508
00:23:26,171 --> 00:23:28,874
But don't worry, the government
will use that money
509
00:23:28,941 --> 00:23:31,944
for important things
like drones and studies to see
510
00:23:32,010 --> 00:23:34,179
if they can grow corn
on the sun.
511
00:23:34,279 --> 00:23:37,383
Next, the FBI.
512
00:23:37,449 --> 00:23:38,884
Unless you're mobbed up,
513
00:23:38,951 --> 00:23:40,953
you're probably not gonna hear
much from these guys.
514
00:23:41,019 --> 00:23:44,423
They're busy working on a
backlog of cases from people
515
00:23:44,490 --> 00:23:47,292
who copied a VHS tape in 1987.
516
00:23:47,292 --> 00:23:50,429
Because if there's one thing
the feds hate
517
00:23:50,496 --> 00:23:51,930
more than al-Qaeda,
518
00:23:51,997 --> 00:23:54,400
it's bootlegs
of "Dirty Dancing."
519
00:23:54,466 --> 00:23:56,468
There's also the CIA.
520
00:23:56,535 --> 00:23:59,605
They're the ones selling drugs
in your community.
521
00:23:59,671 --> 00:24:01,140
(ding)
522
00:24:01,240 --> 00:24:05,244
Let's move on to the judiciary,
or as I call it, court shit.
523
00:24:05,244 --> 00:24:07,246
No matter who you are,
you're gonna be
524
00:24:07,246 --> 00:24:10,449
in a lifelong battle against
the justice system.
525
00:24:10,516 --> 00:24:13,052
For some of you,
it'll be avoiding jail.
526
00:24:13,118 --> 00:24:16,622
But for most of you,
it'll be avoiding jury duty.
527
00:24:18,257 --> 00:24:20,726
Court is also where
you go to get married,
528
00:24:20,793 --> 00:24:23,896
and where you go back to
to get divorced,
529
00:24:23,962 --> 00:24:27,099
and where your defend yourself
against grand theft auto charges
530
00:24:27,166 --> 00:24:29,268
because he said
the Ford Explorer was his
531
00:24:29,301 --> 00:24:31,470
but you were the one
making the payments!
532
00:24:35,340 --> 00:24:38,610
And speaking of cars,
let's move on to the DMV.
533
00:24:38,677 --> 00:24:40,646
That's where you go
to renew your license.
534
00:24:40,713 --> 00:24:42,314
You'll wait in a long-ass line
535
00:24:42,381 --> 00:24:44,983
next to all the weirdest people
who live in your county.
536
00:24:45,050 --> 00:24:47,720
In fact, I'm in
a DMV line right now.
537
00:24:49,722 --> 00:24:52,658
After this, I'm headed over to
the State Department because
538
00:24:52,725 --> 00:24:54,493
that's where you get
your passport,
539
00:24:54,560 --> 00:24:56,795
the document that
has the smallest,
540
00:24:56,862 --> 00:25:00,032
worst picture
you've ever taken.
541
00:25:00,099 --> 00:25:01,366
Oh, don't worry.
542
00:25:01,433 --> 00:25:03,702
You only have to look at it
for ten years.
543
00:25:03,769 --> 00:25:06,505
What else? Oh,
the Department of Education,
544
00:25:06,572 --> 00:25:08,240
they're in charge
of teaching you
545
00:25:08,307 --> 00:25:11,810
the basics, like where to hide
during a school shooting.
546
00:25:11,877 --> 00:25:14,346
Other than that,
they don't teach you shit,
547
00:25:14,413 --> 00:25:16,448
which is why I'm here
teaching you
548
00:25:16,515 --> 00:25:18,350
on my day off.
549
00:25:18,417 --> 00:25:20,352
They could have more funding,
550
00:25:20,419 --> 00:25:23,956
but America needs that money for
the Defense Department.
551
00:25:24,022 --> 00:25:28,727
They're the ones out there
enforcing the American empire
552
00:25:28,794 --> 00:25:31,730
so you can maintain
your way of life.
553
00:25:31,797 --> 00:25:34,800
Oh, y'all didn't think I was
gonna get real, did you?
554
00:25:34,867 --> 00:25:36,902
(scoffs)
If you're a male
555
00:25:36,969 --> 00:25:39,805
over the age of 18,
the military will make you
556
00:25:39,872 --> 00:25:43,409
register for the draft,
but not if you're a woman.
557
00:25:43,475 --> 00:25:45,277
And that's fine with me.
558
00:25:45,310 --> 00:25:47,946
I'm the kind of feminist
that wants to be a CEO,
559
00:25:48,013 --> 00:25:50,883
not a gunnery sergeant.
560
00:25:50,949 --> 00:25:53,619
And that's basically most
of government you interact with.
561
00:25:53,685 --> 00:25:55,287
There's other agencies--
562
00:25:55,354 --> 00:25:58,557
you got the EPA, FEMA,
the Deep State,
563
00:25:58,624 --> 00:26:00,826
but we'll get to them
another time.
564
00:26:00,893 --> 00:26:03,829
Right now, I gotta go
get my license.
565
00:26:03,896 --> 00:26:05,764
(camera charging)
566
00:26:05,831 --> 00:26:07,666
(shutter clicks)
567
00:26:12,971 --> 00:26:14,440
(newsreel reporter)
Journalism is an incredibly
568
00:26:14,506 --> 00:26:17,242
important profession,
according to most journalists.
569
00:26:17,309 --> 00:26:19,978
And it'seasier than ever
to be a journalist.
570
00:26:20,045 --> 00:26:23,248
You just have to be
the son of a journalist
571
00:26:23,282 --> 00:26:25,417
or the son of a journalist,
572
00:26:25,484 --> 00:26:27,720
or the son of
a journalist,
573
00:26:27,786 --> 00:26:30,089
or the son of a journalist,
574
00:26:30,155 --> 00:26:32,257
or the son of
a politician,
575
00:26:32,291 --> 00:26:34,560
or the daughter
of a politician,
576
00:26:34,626 --> 00:26:36,562
or the daughter of
a politician,
577
00:26:36,628 --> 00:26:38,630
or the daughter
of a politician,
578
00:26:38,697 --> 00:26:40,666
or the daughter of
a politician,
579
00:26:40,733 --> 00:26:42,835
or the son of
aVanderbilt.
580
00:26:42,901 --> 00:26:43,736
Ask your parents and see!
581
00:26:46,938 --> 00:26:47,738
- Well, that is our special.
582
00:26:48,673 --> 00:26:50,041
Thank you so much
for watching.
583
00:26:50,108 --> 00:26:52,210
I hope we all learned something.
584
00:26:52,276 --> 00:26:54,479
I know I learned
much too late
585
00:26:54,545 --> 00:26:56,314
that none of this
is tax deductible.
586
00:26:56,380 --> 00:26:58,549
Unbelievable.
587
00:26:58,616 --> 00:27:01,119
Anyway, join us next time
when we learn about
588
00:27:01,185 --> 00:27:04,422
green energy subsidies
from the Cayman Islands.
589
00:27:04,489 --> 00:27:05,790
Class dismissed.
590
00:27:05,857 --> 00:27:07,658
- This episode of
"Remotely Educational"
591
00:27:07,725 --> 00:27:10,795
was made possible by the support
of viewers like you,
592
00:27:10,862 --> 00:27:13,531
and also by
Northstar Ballistics,
593
00:27:13,598 --> 00:27:15,299
Trident Strategic Defense,
594
00:27:15,366 --> 00:27:18,402
Black Ocean Armored,
Iron Globe Partners,
595
00:27:18,469 --> 00:27:21,339
Permanent Force Solutions,
Obsidian Ring,
596
00:27:21,405 --> 00:27:25,643
and Kiddie Casual, a subsidiary
of Scorpius Heavy Industries.