1
00:00:00,968 --> 00:00:02,102
♪ ♪
2
00:00:02,202 --> 00:00:03,770
ANNOUNCER: Coming to you
from New York City,
3
00:00:03,871 --> 00:00:07,407
the only city in America,
it's The Daily Show.
4
00:00:07,508 --> 00:00:09,109
Tonight,
5
00:00:09,209 --> 00:00:11,578
who leaked?
6
00:00:11,678 --> 00:00:14,181
Blue states' abortion bans.
7
00:00:14,281 --> 00:00:16,917
And Alexis McGill Johnson.
8
00:00:17,017 --> 00:00:20,721
This is
The Daily Show with Trevor Noah.
9
00:00:20,821 --> 00:00:22,856
(cheering and applause)
10
00:00:36,036 --> 00:00:37,938
What's going on, everybody.
Welcome to The Daily Show.
11
00:00:38,038 --> 00:00:39,740
I'm Trevor Noah.
Thank you so much for tuning in.
12
00:00:39,840 --> 00:00:41,608
Thank you
for coming out in person.
13
00:00:41,708 --> 00:00:43,844
Thank you for being here,
everybody.
14
00:00:43,944 --> 00:00:45,245
Oh, man.
15
00:00:45,345 --> 00:00:47,347
Take a seat. Take a seat.
Let's get into it.
16
00:00:47,447 --> 00:00:50,117
Take a seat. We got a
jam-packed show for you tonight.
17
00:00:50,217 --> 00:00:51,785
We're gonna be looking
at all the fallout
18
00:00:51,885 --> 00:00:54,154
from yesterday's big news
about Roe v. Wade.
19
00:00:54,254 --> 00:00:55,889
Dulcé Sloan is also here
with the lottery.
20
00:00:55,989 --> 00:00:58,358
Michael Kosta is gonna find out
if people read the news.
21
00:00:58,458 --> 00:01:01,828
And our guest is the president
and CEO of Planned Parenthood.
22
00:01:01,929 --> 00:01:03,230
So, let's do this, people.
23
00:01:03,330 --> 00:01:05,933
Let's jump straight
into the big news of the day.
24
00:01:06,066 --> 00:01:08,068
-♪ ♪
-(cheering and applause)
25
00:01:14,908 --> 00:01:16,343
All right.
With the Supreme Court
26
00:01:16,443 --> 00:01:19,446
now seemingly on the brink
of striking down Roe v. Wade,
27
00:01:19,546 --> 00:01:21,348
many people are horrified.
28
00:01:21,448 --> 00:01:23,383
Not that women
in half the country
29
00:01:23,483 --> 00:01:25,085
would lose their rights
over their own body
30
00:01:25,152 --> 00:01:27,487
but rather that this information
got leaked.
31
00:01:27,588 --> 00:01:29,089
Which is weird.
It's like running around
32
00:01:29,156 --> 00:01:30,591
the deck of the Titanic,
trying to find out
33
00:01:30,691 --> 00:01:31,792
who yelled, "We're sinking!"
34
00:01:31,892 --> 00:01:33,660
instead of focusing
on the iceberg.
35
00:01:33,760 --> 00:01:36,096
Now, Chief Justice John Roberts
36
00:01:36,196 --> 00:01:38,098
has announced
an immediate investigation
37
00:01:38,198 --> 00:01:40,100
to identify the leaker.
38
00:01:40,133 --> 00:01:42,736
But cable news doesn't have time
to wait around,
39
00:01:42,836 --> 00:01:46,106
so everyone knows
who really did it.
40
00:01:46,139 --> 00:01:49,543
Who did it? That's the question
everyone is asking today.
41
00:01:49,643 --> 00:01:51,144
Who's behind the leak?
42
00:01:51,245 --> 00:01:54,781
Was it a clerk? Was it somebody
at the copy machine?
43
00:01:54,882 --> 00:01:57,584
-Who done it?
-Some left-wing law clerk
44
00:01:57,684 --> 00:01:59,953
angry at the direction
the court is going.
45
00:02:00,053 --> 00:02:03,190
I think this was leaked
by a liberal law clerk
46
00:02:03,290 --> 00:02:07,160
who is trying to change
the outcome of the case.
47
00:02:07,261 --> 00:02:08,695
A lot of people are saying
this may have leaked
48
00:02:08,795 --> 00:02:10,397
from a Justice Sotomayor clerk.
49
00:02:10,497 --> 00:02:12,966
If it was a conservative,
it might be someone who wants
50
00:02:13,066 --> 00:02:15,235
to keep all the five judges
that are on the side
51
00:02:15,335 --> 00:02:17,371
of Alito's opinion
in their box there.
52
00:02:17,471 --> 00:02:20,073
Yes, it was
a left-wing antifa law clerk
53
00:02:20,140 --> 00:02:21,308
trying to sabotage the court.
54
00:02:21,408 --> 00:02:23,710
Or it was a right-wing MAGA head
55
00:02:23,810 --> 00:02:25,379
trying to lock
the decision in place.
56
00:02:25,479 --> 00:02:27,748
Or maybe it was the butler.
57
00:02:27,848 --> 00:02:29,683
It's always the butler.
58
00:02:29,783 --> 00:02:31,285
(laughter)
59
00:02:31,385 --> 00:02:32,886
But while everyone
on regular cable channels
60
00:02:32,986 --> 00:02:35,322
was playing the least horny
version of Knives Out,
61
00:02:35,422 --> 00:02:39,159
Newsmax
had already cracked the case.
62
00:02:39,259 --> 00:02:41,361
(whispers):
It was the Black woman.
63
00:02:41,461 --> 00:02:44,097
I find it suspect
that the first leak
64
00:02:44,164 --> 00:02:46,366
coming out of the Supreme Court
in history
65
00:02:46,466 --> 00:02:50,137
comes shortly after
Judge Jackson is confirmed.
66
00:02:50,237 --> 00:02:53,373
She would be my first suspect
when it comes to the leak.
67
00:02:53,473 --> 00:02:56,443
And my first suspect for asshole
is you.
68
00:02:56,543 --> 00:02:58,111
Is you.
69
00:02:58,212 --> 00:03:00,948
Bravo, Detective. Bravo.
70
00:03:01,048 --> 00:03:02,082
(cheering and applause)
71
00:03:02,182 --> 00:03:03,383
Look at you,
72
00:03:03,483 --> 00:03:05,485
using the tried and true
investigative technique
73
00:03:05,586 --> 00:03:07,087
of "the Black person did it."
74
00:03:07,187 --> 00:03:08,355
(chuckles)
75
00:03:08,455 --> 00:03:10,357
And, you know,
everyone has theories.
76
00:03:10,457 --> 00:03:11,792
Right? Everyone has theories.
77
00:03:11,892 --> 00:03:14,461
For all we know, it could
have been an accident, right?
78
00:03:14,561 --> 00:03:17,064
Th-There are many times
that I've gotten drunk
79
00:03:17,164 --> 00:03:19,967
and sent something that should
have stayed in drafts, but...
80
00:03:20,067 --> 00:03:21,401
I mean, I guess
that doesn't make sense
81
00:03:21,502 --> 00:03:22,803
for the Supreme Court,
'cause, like,
82
00:03:22,903 --> 00:03:24,538
who would have gotten drunk
at the Supreme Court?
83
00:03:24,638 --> 00:03:26,740
-You know, it's, uh...
-I still like beer.
84
00:03:26,840 --> 00:03:29,510
My man.
85
00:03:29,610 --> 00:03:33,080
-Look, whoever did it, though...
-(cheering and applause)
86
00:03:33,146 --> 00:03:34,815
Whoever did it, though,
87
00:03:34,915 --> 00:03:36,984
I'm not surprised it happened.
88
00:03:37,084 --> 00:03:39,920
In fact, I can't believe
that this didn't happen earlier.
89
00:03:40,087 --> 00:03:41,722
I mean,
have you seen the security
90
00:03:41,822 --> 00:03:43,423
they have at the Supreme Court?
It sucks.
91
00:03:43,524 --> 00:03:45,392
The guard outside is
literally wearing a blindfold.
92
00:03:45,492 --> 00:03:47,261
It's not gonna help anybody.
93
00:03:47,361 --> 00:03:50,697
And, so, I do get why they're
trying to find this leaker.
94
00:03:50,797 --> 00:03:53,567
You know, you don't want this
to turn into a trend, all right?
95
00:03:53,667 --> 00:03:54,968
They leak now. They're
gonna leak in the future.
96
00:03:55,102 --> 00:03:56,436
It's leaks all the way
going forward.
97
00:03:56,537 --> 00:03:58,305
I mean, look. Look at what
happened in the world of comedy.
98
00:03:58,405 --> 00:04:00,073
Yeah, one stand-up gets slapped.
99
00:04:00,174 --> 00:04:03,777
Now Dave Chappelle's
getting tackled onstage.
100
00:04:03,877 --> 00:04:05,112
Shit.
101
00:04:05,212 --> 00:04:07,414
I had to get a pair of nunchucks
just in case.
102
00:04:07,514 --> 00:04:09,483
(laughter and applause)
103
00:04:09,583 --> 00:04:10,817
Try that shit with me.
104
00:04:10,918 --> 00:04:12,219
That's right.
105
00:04:12,319 --> 00:04:15,122
Pop out... Pop out now.
106
00:04:15,222 --> 00:04:16,723
Pop out now. I'm-a show you.
107
00:04:16,823 --> 00:04:18,091
What? What?
108
00:04:18,192 --> 00:04:20,093
Knock myself out
before you get to me.
109
00:04:20,194 --> 00:04:22,196
(laughter)
110
00:04:22,296 --> 00:04:25,065
Now, while the Supreme Court
111
00:04:25,098 --> 00:04:26,967
is trying to figure out
who the snitch is,
112
00:04:27,067 --> 00:04:29,436
the rest of the country
is trying to figure out
113
00:04:29,536 --> 00:04:32,940
what women will be allowed to do
with their own bodies.
114
00:04:33,073 --> 00:04:34,541
And while everyone knew
115
00:04:34,641 --> 00:04:36,109
that women in red states
were in trouble,
116
00:04:36,210 --> 00:04:39,213
it turns out,
thanks to some lazy lawmaking,
117
00:04:39,313 --> 00:04:41,648
there are also two blue states
118
00:04:41,748 --> 00:04:45,219
where women
might lose the right to choose.
119
00:04:45,319 --> 00:04:48,155
NEWSMAN: If the Supreme Court
does strike down Roe v. Wade
120
00:04:48,255 --> 00:04:50,390
later this spring,
all eyes in Wisconsin
121
00:04:50,490 --> 00:04:53,093
would then turn
to a 170-year-old law
122
00:04:53,193 --> 00:04:54,928
that's still on the books.
123
00:04:55,095 --> 00:04:58,899
Wisconsin still has a ban
on abortion in place from 1849.
124
00:04:58,999 --> 00:05:02,035
It outlaws all abortions
except for cases
125
00:05:02,135 --> 00:05:04,037
where a mother's life
is at risk.
126
00:05:04,137 --> 00:05:06,440
CHRIS HAYES: In Michigan,
the law was passed in 1931,
127
00:05:06,540 --> 00:05:08,642
and it bans abortion unless done
to save the life of the person
128
00:05:08,742 --> 00:05:12,813
who is pregnant and contains
no exception for rape or incest.
129
00:05:12,913 --> 00:05:14,314
The ban never had to be repealed
130
00:05:14,414 --> 00:05:16,316
because Roe
had made it obsolete,
131
00:05:16,416 --> 00:05:18,552
but it is still state law,
still on the books.
132
00:05:18,652 --> 00:05:20,153
This is so ridiculous.
133
00:05:20,254 --> 00:05:21,688
If Roe v. Wade goes away,
134
00:05:21,788 --> 00:05:24,091
Michigan and Wisconsin
are gonna start using laws
135
00:05:24,191 --> 00:05:28,362
from 1931 and 1849?
136
00:05:28,462 --> 00:05:31,198
Do you understand how crazy--
Think about how many laws,
137
00:05:31,298 --> 00:05:33,166
like, are from back then, huh?
138
00:05:33,267 --> 00:05:35,102
How many laws
are we using from back then?
139
00:05:35,202 --> 00:05:36,537
Think about the laws
that were even around.
140
00:05:36,637 --> 00:05:38,105
Half of them
are about how much corn
141
00:05:38,205 --> 00:05:40,908
you can legally hide
in your top hat.
142
00:05:41,875 --> 00:05:42,943
Those are the abortion laws
143
00:05:43,076 --> 00:05:44,845
that are about to come back
into effect?
144
00:05:44,945 --> 00:05:47,881
Guys, unused laws shouldn't be
a thing that come back.
145
00:05:47,981 --> 00:05:49,883
It-it should be-- They should
have, like, an expiration date.
146
00:05:49,983 --> 00:05:51,852
Or, at the very least,
states should smell them
147
00:05:51,952 --> 00:05:54,254
every now and again to make sure
that they haven't gone bad.
148
00:05:55,222 --> 00:05:56,657
Now, you might be thinking,
you might be thinking,
149
00:05:56,757 --> 00:05:58,792
"Well, aren't Michigan
and Wisconsin pro-choice?"
150
00:05:58,892 --> 00:06:00,194
Yeah, they are. Big-time.
151
00:06:00,294 --> 00:06:02,029
More than 60%
of Wisconsin voters
152
00:06:02,062 --> 00:06:05,632
and at least 70% in Michigan
support legal abortion.
153
00:06:05,732 --> 00:06:10,204
But their state legislatures
are controlled by Republicans.
154
00:06:10,304 --> 00:06:12,105
Yeah. So you best believe
155
00:06:12,206 --> 00:06:14,308
you're more likely to see
Fashion Nova at the Met Gala
156
00:06:14,408 --> 00:06:16,243
than these Republicans
repeal those laws.
157
00:06:16,343 --> 00:06:17,544
And so, once again,
158
00:06:17,644 --> 00:06:19,413
the job of protecting Americans
159
00:06:19,513 --> 00:06:23,350
falls to the only people
who actually care about them--
160
00:06:23,450 --> 00:06:24,818
corporations.
161
00:06:24,918 --> 00:06:26,653
As women fight
for abortion rights,
162
00:06:26,753 --> 00:06:28,922
Amazon says they'll help
their employees access
163
00:06:29,056 --> 00:06:30,357
the health care they want.
164
00:06:30,457 --> 00:06:31,959
The company announced on Monday
165
00:06:32,059 --> 00:06:35,195
that it will pay for abortions
for employees who need them.
166
00:06:35,295 --> 00:06:36,897
They'll give up to $4,000 a year
167
00:06:37,064 --> 00:06:39,333
to workers who need to travel
to other states
168
00:06:39,433 --> 00:06:40,667
to seek medical care.
169
00:06:40,767 --> 00:06:42,569
Other companies
like Apple, Citigroup,
170
00:06:42,669 --> 00:06:46,306
Levi's and Yelp have made
similar promises to employees.
171
00:06:46,406 --> 00:06:49,076
Wow. That's a big deal.
172
00:06:49,142 --> 00:06:52,846
Yeah. Companies like Apple,
Citigroup, and even Amazon
173
00:06:52,946 --> 00:06:56,517
are promising to help their
employees travel to other states
174
00:06:56,617 --> 00:07:00,053
if they need to get abortions,
which is amazing.
175
00:07:00,153 --> 00:07:02,456
That's really amazing. Usually
you only see that kind of offer
176
00:07:02,556 --> 00:07:05,392
when a member of Congress
gets his mistress pregnant.
177
00:07:05,492 --> 00:07:07,594
Really powerful.
178
00:07:07,694 --> 00:07:10,030
And considering
the political climate right now,
179
00:07:10,130 --> 00:07:11,698
any company wading
into controversial
180
00:07:11,798 --> 00:07:15,335
culture war issues, like, they
could face serious backlash.
181
00:07:15,435 --> 00:07:18,105
I mean, pro-lifers could start
a boycott against Amazon
182
00:07:18,205 --> 00:07:20,207
that could last minutes.
183
00:07:21,175 --> 00:07:24,278
Before they get tempted
by a deal on a knockoff Roomba.
184
00:07:25,245 --> 00:07:26,813
And, you know, to be honest,
I'm actually surprised
185
00:07:26,914 --> 00:07:29,049
that Amazon is doing this. Yeah.
186
00:07:29,082 --> 00:07:31,418
'Cause it's wild. They'll let
employees go to a blue state
187
00:07:31,518 --> 00:07:32,853
before they'll let them
use the bathroom.
188
00:07:32,953 --> 00:07:34,521
I mean, that's pretty wild.
189
00:07:34,621 --> 00:07:36,423
But, but they deserve
the praise.
190
00:07:36,523 --> 00:07:38,659
In fact, I propose a toast.
191
00:07:38,759 --> 00:07:39,927
Let's all raise
192
00:07:40,060 --> 00:07:42,930
a Gatorade bottle of pee
in Amazon's honor.
193
00:07:43,063 --> 00:07:44,164
Hear, hear.
194
00:07:44,264 --> 00:07:45,265
-Mm.
-(groaning)
195
00:07:45,365 --> 00:07:46,600
(groans loudly)
196
00:07:46,700 --> 00:07:48,068
Ugh, I thought it was piss.
It's Gatorade.
197
00:07:48,168 --> 00:07:50,871
-(groans)
-(laughter, applause)
198
00:07:50,971 --> 00:07:53,073
You guys mixed it the wrong way.
199
00:07:55,609 --> 00:07:58,378
So, those are the latest updates
200
00:07:58,478 --> 00:08:00,147
on the fallout
of the Roe v. Wade leak
201
00:08:00,247 --> 00:08:01,315
from the Supreme Court.
202
00:08:01,415 --> 00:08:03,383
And while we don't know
where this will end,
203
00:08:03,483 --> 00:08:06,887
we do know it's definitely
reignited a conversation
204
00:08:07,020 --> 00:08:11,825
about how society treats
women's reproductive rights.
205
00:08:11,925 --> 00:08:13,627
Because, you know,
what I find interesting is,
206
00:08:13,727 --> 00:08:15,128
if you go online
207
00:08:15,229 --> 00:08:17,664
or if you watch
conservative-conservative news,
208
00:08:17,764 --> 00:08:19,399
right, you're bi--
you're bound to find,
209
00:08:19,499 --> 00:08:21,201
like, tons of people saying
210
00:08:21,301 --> 00:08:22,603
that the reason
they're against abortion,
211
00:08:22,703 --> 00:08:25,672
the reason, is because
they don't want to interfere
212
00:08:25,772 --> 00:08:27,674
with what God has decided.
213
00:08:27,774 --> 00:08:28,909
If you got pregnant,
214
00:08:29,042 --> 00:08:30,744
it's because God wanted you
to be pregnant.
215
00:08:30,844 --> 00:08:33,046
And if you can't have kids,
that's God's plan, too,
216
00:08:33,113 --> 00:08:35,048
which I understand
as an argument.
217
00:08:35,115 --> 00:08:36,049
I really do.
218
00:08:36,116 --> 00:08:38,218
However, I find it interesting
219
00:08:38,318 --> 00:08:39,887
that these same people
never use that argument
220
00:08:40,053 --> 00:08:41,288
-when it comes to men.
-WOMAN: Mm!
221
00:08:41,388 --> 00:08:43,056
-Yeah, because if you watch...
-(applause)
222
00:08:43,123 --> 00:08:45,659
If you watch Fox News
223
00:08:45,759 --> 00:08:47,961
or any of these channels,
224
00:08:48,061 --> 00:08:51,298
they've got ads
for erectile dysfunction pills.
225
00:08:51,398 --> 00:08:52,499
Right? Yeah.
226
00:08:52,599 --> 00:08:54,835
How come they never say,
"Oh, you can't get it up?
227
00:08:54,935 --> 00:08:56,770
Well, that's God's will."
228
00:08:56,870 --> 00:08:58,739
(cheering and applause)
229
00:08:58,839 --> 00:09:00,541
"I'm sorry."
230
00:09:02,376 --> 00:09:04,077
"Your penis
doesn't work anymore?
231
00:09:04,178 --> 00:09:05,546
That's what the Lord wanted."
232
00:09:05,646 --> 00:09:07,548
They never say that.
They never say--
233
00:09:07,648 --> 00:09:10,484
Medicine is always encouraged
to do whatever it can
234
00:09:10,584 --> 00:09:13,654
to augment men's sexual health
however it can.
235
00:09:13,754 --> 00:09:15,489
And if you wo--
if you want to see,
236
00:09:15,589 --> 00:09:17,257
if you want to see
just how far medicine
237
00:09:17,357 --> 00:09:19,259
is willing to go for men,
238
00:09:19,359 --> 00:09:23,297
look no further
than this story from the U.K.,
239
00:09:23,397 --> 00:09:26,633
where doctors helped a man
grow a penis
240
00:09:26,733 --> 00:09:28,335
-on his arm.
-(gasping)
241
00:09:28,435 --> 00:09:30,771
NEWSWOMAN: A British man who
lost his penis to an infection
242
00:09:30,871 --> 00:09:33,640
has finally had a new one
surgically attached
243
00:09:33,740 --> 00:09:36,610
after six years
of growing it on his arm.
244
00:09:36,710 --> 00:09:39,046
Doctors even designed
a hand pump
245
00:09:39,079 --> 00:09:41,915
that can inflate the penis
and produce an erection.
246
00:09:42,049 --> 00:09:43,851
47-year-old Malcolm MacDonald
247
00:09:43,951 --> 00:09:46,153
is the subject
of a new documentary called
248
00:09:46,253 --> 00:09:48,889
The Man with a Penis on His Arm.
249
00:09:49,056 --> 00:09:50,524
According to the Daily Mail,
250
00:09:50,624 --> 00:09:53,327
viewers were stunned
watching the program last night,
251
00:09:53,427 --> 00:09:55,195
in which Malcolm
described the penis
252
00:09:55,295 --> 00:09:57,531
falling out of his sleeve
while shopping
253
00:09:57,631 --> 00:09:59,900
and even hitting his loved ones
in the face
254
00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:01,268
while he hugged them.
255
00:10:03,737 --> 00:10:07,341
Yeah, this man lost his penis.
256
00:10:07,441 --> 00:10:10,511
And instead of accepting it,
doctors figured out a way
257
00:10:10,611 --> 00:10:14,815
to grow him a new one
on his arm.
258
00:10:14,915 --> 00:10:18,118
And as hard as it was
for him to live like this,
259
00:10:18,218 --> 00:10:20,988
I'm glad that medicine
has come so far
260
00:10:21,088 --> 00:10:22,956
that we're basically
doing something
261
00:10:23,056 --> 00:10:24,958
that's from the future.
262
00:10:25,058 --> 00:10:29,530
Meanwhile, we want women
to live back in 1849, huh?
263
00:10:29,630 --> 00:10:31,164
And by the way,
can I also just say
264
00:10:31,265 --> 00:10:33,033
how much I appreciate
the title of that documentary?
265
00:10:33,133 --> 00:10:34,668
The Man With a Penis on His Arm.
266
00:10:34,768 --> 00:10:37,838
No. It's simple,
it's clear, it's direct.
267
00:10:37,938 --> 00:10:39,339
Yeah, if I see that
scrolling on Netflix,
268
00:10:39,439 --> 00:10:41,642
I know exactly what I'm getting.
269
00:10:41,742 --> 00:10:43,977
I know exactly what it is.
270
00:10:44,077 --> 00:10:46,513
(applause)
271
00:10:46,613 --> 00:10:48,215
Unlike Tiger King.
272
00:10:48,315 --> 00:10:50,317
I thought it was the sequel
to Lion King starring tigers.
273
00:10:50,417 --> 00:10:52,853
It turns out
the real star was meth.
274
00:10:52,953 --> 00:10:54,221
But you see, there's a reason
275
00:10:54,321 --> 00:10:55,689
I'm bringing up this story
today.
276
00:10:55,789 --> 00:10:57,291
Right? It's not just
for the incredible dick jokes
277
00:10:57,391 --> 00:10:58,892
I could make, no.
278
00:10:58,992 --> 00:11:00,861
Like, obviously,
getting an abortion
279
00:11:00,961 --> 00:11:03,163
and getting an arm penis
aren't the same thing,
280
00:11:03,263 --> 00:11:05,599
but I do find it emblematic
of how differently
281
00:11:05,699 --> 00:11:08,068
men and women's
reproductive health is treated.
282
00:11:08,101 --> 00:11:10,437
Women across America
will soon lose autonomy
283
00:11:10,537 --> 00:11:12,439
over their own bodies.
284
00:11:12,539 --> 00:11:13,974
And many people
are fine with it.
285
00:11:14,074 --> 00:11:17,077
You even see people on TV
downplaying the situation.
286
00:11:17,144 --> 00:11:19,413
"So you'll have to carry
a baby for nine months
287
00:11:19,513 --> 00:11:21,982
"against your will and then
let it destroy your body,
288
00:11:22,082 --> 00:11:23,517
"and maybe you're not ready
for this in life,
289
00:11:23,617 --> 00:11:25,085
"or maybe you can't afford it.
It's fine.
290
00:11:25,118 --> 00:11:27,521
You can just give it up
for adoption after. It's fine."
291
00:11:27,621 --> 00:11:29,923
Meanwhile,
a guy loses his dick,
292
00:11:30,090 --> 00:11:32,092
and it's like Liam Neeson
is on the case.
293
00:11:32,125 --> 00:11:34,094
I don't care how long it takes.
294
00:11:34,161 --> 00:11:35,462
I don't care
what medical innovations
295
00:11:35,562 --> 00:11:36,797
we have to come up with.
296
00:11:36,897 --> 00:11:38,465
We will get your penis back.
297
00:11:38,565 --> 00:11:40,167
Just think about that.
298
00:11:40,267 --> 00:11:41,535
All right, that's it
for the headlines.
299
00:11:41,635 --> 00:11:43,136
Let's move on to something
that everyone loves.
300
00:11:43,237 --> 00:11:44,938
It's time to check in
on today's lottery numbers
301
00:11:45,105 --> 00:11:48,108
-with Dulcé Sloan, everybody.
-(applause and cheering)
302
00:11:48,175 --> 00:11:49,776
Hi there.
303
00:11:49,877 --> 00:11:52,479
-Hello!
-I'm excited.
304
00:11:52,579 --> 00:11:54,147
Oh, I'm excited.
305
00:11:54,248 --> 00:11:56,450
-Money, money, money, money,
money, money. -I'm so excited.
306
00:11:56,550 --> 00:11:58,952
Uh, uh, ah, ah, ah, ah.
307
00:11:59,119 --> 00:12:01,054
What's happening, Dulcé?
What's going on?
308
00:12:01,121 --> 00:12:02,656
How are you doing today?
How you doing?
309
00:12:02,756 --> 00:12:04,258
Listen, I am doing
absolutely great.
310
00:12:04,358 --> 00:12:06,560
You know, blessed
and highly favored.
311
00:12:06,660 --> 00:12:09,596
Um, but before we get
to the lottery,
312
00:12:09,696 --> 00:12:13,433
can we talk about Ketanji
Brown Jackson, please?
313
00:12:13,534 --> 00:12:14,801
Oh,
you mean the Newsmax story
314
00:12:14,902 --> 00:12:16,336
where they said
they suspect her?
315
00:12:16,436 --> 00:12:18,272
Well, absolutely,
'cause it's like,
316
00:12:18,372 --> 00:12:21,508
everybody knows you don't do
dirt when you first start a job.
317
00:12:21,608 --> 00:12:23,510
(laughter)
318
00:12:23,610 --> 00:12:25,779
Like when you first start
working with somewhere,
319
00:12:25,879 --> 00:12:29,082
-that's not when you steal.
-(laughter) -Huh.
320
00:12:29,149 --> 00:12:30,517
Otherwise, I would
have walked out of here
321
00:12:30,617 --> 00:12:33,954
with seven desktop computers.
322
00:12:34,087 --> 00:12:36,089
No, you start stealing
when you about to quit,
323
00:12:36,156 --> 00:12:39,226
like that Stephen Breyer dude,
you know, the other white,
324
00:12:39,326 --> 00:12:43,530
other white... the white man,
uh, of a hundred of 'em.
325
00:12:43,630 --> 00:12:47,668
He's on his way out.
He the one that leaked it.
326
00:12:47,768 --> 00:12:51,238
When you quit,
that's when you start stealing.
327
00:12:51,338 --> 00:12:53,407
Everybody knows that!
328
00:12:53,507 --> 00:12:55,409
(applause and cheering)
329
00:12:55,509 --> 00:12:58,245
It's an interesting theory.
330
00:12:58,345 --> 00:13:01,215
Listen, I'll give you
a prime example, okay?
331
00:13:01,315 --> 00:13:04,751
I used to work for a power
company who cannot be named.
332
00:13:04,852 --> 00:13:06,420
And when I was getting ready
to quick,
333
00:13:06,520 --> 00:13:08,288
everybody who called me
whose lights wasn't on,
334
00:13:08,388 --> 00:13:10,824
I just turned
their lights back on.
335
00:13:10,924 --> 00:13:13,293
(applause and cheering)
336
00:13:13,393 --> 00:13:15,429
That-that seems...
337
00:13:16,563 --> 00:13:18,465
Now, listen, is it a felony?
338
00:13:18,565 --> 00:13:20,467
-Maybe.
-(laughter)
339
00:13:20,567 --> 00:13:22,903
But am I a good person?
Absolutely.
340
00:13:23,070 --> 00:13:25,706
-(applause and cheering)
-I'm glad you didn't name them.
341
00:13:25,806 --> 00:13:27,174
I'm glad you didn't name them.
All right, well,
342
00:13:27,274 --> 00:13:29,309
-let's-let's do it. Let's get
into this lotto. -Okay.
343
00:13:29,409 --> 00:13:31,245
-Let's get into this lotto!
-Oh, man, this is exciting.
344
00:13:31,345 --> 00:13:32,779
-All right.
-Hey!
345
00:13:32,880 --> 00:13:34,181
Lotto, lotto.
346
00:13:34,281 --> 00:13:37,718
-Lotto, lotto. Ah, ah, ah, ah!
-(audience chanting)
347
00:13:37,818 --> 00:13:39,586
-All right.
-All right.
348
00:13:39,686 --> 00:13:41,321
B6.
349
00:13:41,421 --> 00:13:42,823
What? No.
350
00:13:42,923 --> 00:13:44,825
No, no. No. Wait.
351
00:13:44,925 --> 00:13:48,128
Dulcé, no, no, no.
That's-that's bingo.
352
00:13:48,228 --> 00:13:50,831
I sent you an email saying
we're doing lotto, and...
353
00:13:50,931 --> 00:13:53,267
Yo, man, the last time
you had me doing this,
354
00:13:53,367 --> 00:13:55,235
the balls didn't have
no numbers.
355
00:13:55,335 --> 00:13:57,404
I brought you letters
and numbers. Come on, baby!
356
00:13:57,504 --> 00:14:00,240
No, but I sent you an email
saying it needs to be numbers,
357
00:14:00,340 --> 00:14:01,508
but, like,
it needs to still be lottery.
358
00:14:01,608 --> 00:14:03,877
We talked about this.
359
00:14:04,044 --> 00:14:06,747
You think
I'm reading whole emails?
360
00:14:06,847 --> 00:14:08,482
Did you put it
in the subject line?
361
00:14:08,582 --> 00:14:10,184
I can't put it all
in the subject line.
362
00:14:10,284 --> 00:14:13,253
Then you didn't want me
to know the information.
363
00:14:13,353 --> 00:14:15,255
So, if you don't read
the emails, what do you read?
364
00:14:15,355 --> 00:14:17,291
Listen, if it's not
on Instagram,
365
00:14:17,391 --> 00:14:19,493
-I don't know what's happening.
-What do you mean?
366
00:14:19,593 --> 00:14:21,495
I told you the lotto. I even
told you about the news.
367
00:14:21,595 --> 00:14:22,963
I put the news in the email.
368
00:14:23,063 --> 00:14:25,199
Listen, I get all my news
from this show,
369
00:14:25,299 --> 00:14:27,501
so I don't know
what you're talking about.
370
00:14:27,601 --> 00:14:29,970
Oh, boy.
371
00:14:30,070 --> 00:14:32,139
A-All right. Um...
372
00:14:32,239 --> 00:14:34,608
Okay, let's-let's-let's
see what the next one is, then.
373
00:14:34,708 --> 00:14:37,077
♪ Number lotto, yeah! ♪
374
00:14:38,312 --> 00:14:41,682
I... Is that a line? I-21.
375
00:14:41,782 --> 00:14:43,450
(laughter, whooping)
376
00:14:43,550 --> 00:14:45,686
This-this doesn't,
this doesn't help us.
377
00:14:45,786 --> 00:14:49,756
-Okay, I-21...
-Wait, hold on. Let me...
378
00:14:49,857 --> 00:14:52,359
I'm-I'm... (laughs)
I'm sorry. Um...
379
00:14:52,459 --> 00:14:54,862
Did you say a man
380
00:14:54,962 --> 00:14:58,098
had a penis on his arm?
381
00:14:58,165 --> 00:15:01,368
Yeah, th-they grew a penis
for him on his arm.
382
00:15:01,468 --> 00:15:04,171
Okay, what, um... (sighs)
383
00:15:04,271 --> 00:15:07,774
But that's the penis he chose?
384
00:15:07,875 --> 00:15:09,042
Like, if they give you a--
385
00:15:09,142 --> 00:15:12,045
Like, if they finna
grow you a new one...
386
00:15:12,145 --> 00:15:13,680
-on your forearm...
-Yeah?
387
00:15:13,780 --> 00:15:15,816
Shouldn't it be, like,
down to his fingertips?
388
00:15:21,822 --> 00:15:25,058
I-I think it's weird
to be worried about the size.
389
00:15:25,125 --> 00:15:27,628
Like, I think if you
don't have a penis,
390
00:15:27,728 --> 00:15:29,630
and then someone offers you a
penis, I think you should just
391
00:15:29,730 --> 00:15:31,732
-take what you can get.
-(laughs)
392
00:15:31,832 --> 00:15:33,700
Listen, there are many times
in my life
393
00:15:33,800 --> 00:15:35,469
when I haven't had a penis.
394
00:15:37,638 --> 00:15:40,407
And I promise you,
I didn't settle for any one
395
00:15:40,507 --> 00:15:41,808
that just came along.
You understand?
396
00:15:48,916 --> 00:15:51,485
You got to have standards,
Trevor. Okay?
397
00:15:51,585 --> 00:15:54,321
-You got to love yourself!
AUDIENCE: Yeah!
398
00:15:54,421 --> 00:15:55,722
-I-I-I...
-Thank you so much. Now, listen,
399
00:15:55,822 --> 00:15:57,457
that's all for me.
Uh, you got...
400
00:15:57,558 --> 00:15:58,859
Whoa, whoa, what do you mean,
it's all for you? You didn't...
401
00:15:58,959 --> 00:16:00,861
-you didn't give us the numbers.
-I'm, I'm so sorry.
402
00:16:01,028 --> 00:16:04,031
I got distracted by the penis,
I forgot about the balls.
403
00:16:04,064 --> 00:16:06,767
Dulcé Sloan, everybody.
404
00:16:06,867 --> 00:16:08,302
All right, don't go away.
405
00:16:08,402 --> 00:16:09,703
Cause we're still gonna
be joined by the president
406
00:16:09,803 --> 00:16:12,105
of Planned Parenthood.
You don't want to miss it.
407
00:16:12,206 --> 00:16:13,807
So I don't
get any of the numbers?
408
00:16:13,907 --> 00:16:17,477
(cheers and applause)
409
00:16:20,514 --> 00:16:22,850
NARRATOR (posh British accent):
And here, we can see
410
00:16:22,950 --> 00:16:27,054
the Chapelle,
prowling the Hollywood stage.
411
00:16:27,154 --> 00:16:31,692
Unaware of a predator
in the audience.
412
00:16:31,792 --> 00:16:35,963
Waiting to pounce.
Waiting for his moment.
413
00:16:36,964 --> 00:16:39,299
It happens in an instant.
414
00:16:39,399 --> 00:16:41,768
CHAPPELLE: Make some noise
for hip-hop history.
415
00:16:41,869 --> 00:16:43,370
NARRATOR: The attack is swift.
416
00:16:45,973 --> 00:16:50,210
The Chappelle is down, and
the audience member has him,
417
00:16:50,310 --> 00:16:54,448
but, unfortunately, it looks
like his attack has failed.
418
00:16:54,548 --> 00:16:57,084
The Chappelle
is back on its feet
419
00:16:57,117 --> 00:17:00,787
and the audience member
turns and runs,
420
00:17:00,888 --> 00:17:05,392
as the hunter
has become the hunted.
421
00:17:05,492 --> 00:17:09,129
The Chappelle's security
pursue the person,
422
00:17:09,229 --> 00:17:11,398
and now all hell breaks loose.
423
00:17:11,498 --> 00:17:13,433
CHAPPELLE: Where did that
(bleep) Come from?
424
00:17:13,534 --> 00:17:16,036
NARRATOR: Chappelle turns,
425
00:17:16,136 --> 00:17:19,206
looks to make sure
he is unscathed,
426
00:17:19,306 --> 00:17:21,875
and prepares his own attack.
427
00:17:22,042 --> 00:17:24,711
CHAPPELLE: I am going
to kill that (bleep).
428
00:17:24,811 --> 00:17:28,882
NARRATOR: The audience
member has (bleep) around,
429
00:17:29,049 --> 00:17:32,319
and he has also found out.
430
00:17:32,419 --> 00:17:35,856
This is the circle of life.
431
00:17:38,909 --> 00:17:40,944
(cheering and applause)
432
00:17:46,349 --> 00:17:48,385
Welcome back to The Daily Show.
433
00:17:48,485 --> 00:17:50,487
Here at the show,
we pay a lot of attention
434
00:17:50,587 --> 00:17:52,055
to what's going on in the news.
435
00:17:52,155 --> 00:17:55,225
But how much are the people
outside our studio
436
00:17:55,325 --> 00:17:56,460
following along?
437
00:17:56,560 --> 00:17:58,595
Well, we sent Michael Kosta
to find out
438
00:17:58,695 --> 00:18:00,864
for another edition
of Fill Me In.
439
00:18:00,964 --> 00:18:02,265
Welcome to Fill Me In,
440
00:18:02,365 --> 00:18:06,136
the game where we put
their words into your mouth.
441
00:18:06,236 --> 00:18:08,238
Ugh, that sounded kind of gross.
442
00:18:08,338 --> 00:18:10,373
♪ ♪
443
00:18:12,042 --> 00:18:13,543
Okay, welcome to Fill Me In.
444
00:18:13,643 --> 00:18:16,680
This is a game
where you fill in the...
445
00:18:16,780 --> 00:18:17,981
Gaps.
446
00:18:18,081 --> 00:18:19,716
"Gaps." Give me another answer.
447
00:18:19,816 --> 00:18:22,419
A game where you fill in the...
448
00:18:22,519 --> 00:18:23,587
Answers.
(chuckles)
449
00:18:23,687 --> 00:18:25,255
"Answers." Another answer.
450
00:18:25,355 --> 00:18:28,191
A game where you fill in the...
451
00:18:28,291 --> 00:18:30,093
Missing links.
452
00:18:30,193 --> 00:18:31,795
-Blanks. You fill in the blanks.
-Blanks.
453
00:18:31,895 --> 00:18:33,930
-Do we know who this is?
-ALL: No.
454
00:18:34,030 --> 00:18:36,633
All right. Republican... Duh.
455
00:18:36,733 --> 00:18:38,902
-Who looks at this
and says "Democrat"? -Yeah.
456
00:18:39,002 --> 00:18:42,806
-Yeah. -Republican
Congressman Madison Cawthorn.
457
00:18:42,906 --> 00:18:44,307
-Oh, I've heard of him.
-You probably...
458
00:18:44,407 --> 00:18:47,010
You probably read his stuff
on the blogs you read, huh, Mom?
459
00:18:47,077 --> 00:18:50,013
-(chuckles) -Republican
Congressman Madison Cawthorn
460
00:18:50,113 --> 00:18:52,382
recently said,
461
00:18:52,482 --> 00:18:56,019
"The Ukrainian government
is incredibly corrupt
462
00:18:56,119 --> 00:18:57,554
"and is incredibly evil
463
00:18:57,654 --> 00:19:00,423
and has been pushing" blank.
464
00:19:00,524 --> 00:19:02,459
A false narrative?
465
00:19:02,559 --> 00:19:04,594
No, a false narrative
is what Russia's been pushing
466
00:19:04,694 --> 00:19:06,696
and Madison Cawthorn here.
467
00:19:06,797 --> 00:19:09,466
Before you guess,
it's not cocaine and orgies,
468
00:19:09,566 --> 00:19:12,469
but it is similar because
it's also something he made up.
469
00:19:12,569 --> 00:19:14,237
Chicken Kiev?
470
00:19:14,337 --> 00:19:16,273
This is something that Madison
471
00:19:16,373 --> 00:19:19,042
and his fellow Republicans
find terrifying
472
00:19:19,109 --> 00:19:22,846
but Democrats describe
as just being nice to people.
473
00:19:24,114 --> 00:19:26,349
You do know a lot
about American stuff.
474
00:19:26,450 --> 00:19:29,553
It rhymes with "broke."
475
00:19:29,653 --> 00:19:31,087
Smoke.
476
00:19:31,188 --> 00:19:33,323
I'm not sleeping. I'm...
477
00:19:34,291 --> 00:19:36,226
-Woke. Wokeness.
-Woke.
478
00:19:36,326 --> 00:19:38,094
-Uh, woke ideology.
-Woke.
479
00:19:38,195 --> 00:19:39,429
Woke ideology.
480
00:19:39,529 --> 00:19:40,564
How'd you know that?
481
00:19:40,664 --> 00:19:42,299
-Wow.
-Do you believe that Ukraine
482
00:19:42,399 --> 00:19:45,001
-is pushing this woke ideology?
-Not so much.
483
00:19:45,068 --> 00:19:46,570
They're pretty busy
with the war.
484
00:19:46,670 --> 00:19:48,305
-Huh.
-And staying alive.
485
00:19:48,405 --> 00:19:50,106
-Woke ideology. Of course.
-Woke ideology. Perfect!
486
00:19:50,207 --> 00:19:52,442
You know, woke ideology,
like, uh, what the...
487
00:19:52,542 --> 00:19:55,112
those leftists believe that
Russia shouldn't be invading
488
00:19:55,212 --> 00:19:56,780
a sovereign country.
489
00:19:56,880 --> 00:19:58,715
So politically correct.
490
00:19:58,815 --> 00:20:00,684
-♪ ♪
-Ugh, politicians.
491
00:20:00,784 --> 00:20:03,320
For this next round, let's
hear it from the real heroes--
492
00:20:03,420 --> 00:20:04,754
movie stars.
493
00:20:04,855 --> 00:20:07,657
Reese Witherspoon
recently tweeted...
494
00:20:10,026 --> 00:20:11,495
Let's learn together.
495
00:20:11,595 --> 00:20:12,696
The president?
496
00:20:12,796 --> 00:20:14,064
What's something that,
if I said it to you,
497
00:20:14,164 --> 00:20:15,799
you would go, "Ugh"?
498
00:20:15,899 --> 00:20:17,033
Traveling the world?
499
00:20:17,067 --> 00:20:18,668
Traveling the world
is interesting.
500
00:20:18,768 --> 00:20:20,604
What's something
you want to hear less about?
501
00:20:20,704 --> 00:20:22,239
Going gluten-free?
502
00:20:22,339 --> 00:20:25,709
Here's a hint. It's something
that no one actually needs
503
00:20:25,809 --> 00:20:28,612
-but everyone's talking about.
-Okay.
504
00:20:28,712 --> 00:20:30,313
And it's not TikTok.
505
00:20:30,413 --> 00:20:32,382
Uh, critical race theory.
506
00:20:32,482 --> 00:20:34,518
-CRT.
-'Kay.
507
00:20:34,618 --> 00:20:36,419
It's actually another acronym.
508
00:20:36,520 --> 00:20:38,155
-PBS.
-I'm at a party.
509
00:20:38,255 --> 00:20:39,356
I'm trying to, like, hit on you.
510
00:20:39,456 --> 00:20:40,757
I got a bunch of money
and I'm like,
511
00:20:40,857 --> 00:20:42,993
"Yo, you should
really be getting into..."
512
00:20:43,026 --> 00:20:46,196
-Money art thing. The art...
-Money. Keep...
513
00:20:47,597 --> 00:20:49,166
Yes.
(laughs)
514
00:20:49,266 --> 00:20:50,801
-It's the money what thing?
-The-the art.
515
00:20:50,901 --> 00:20:52,569
Like when-- It's, like, the...
516
00:20:52,669 --> 00:20:55,038
-the digital...
-Digital money art thing.
517
00:20:55,138 --> 00:20:57,340
Yes. I am completely drawing
a blank.
518
00:20:57,440 --> 00:20:58,842
-My anxiety...
-Name a letter!
519
00:20:59,009 --> 00:21:01,111
See, I'm thinking "NGO," and
I don't think that's it either.
520
00:21:01,211 --> 00:21:03,079
Kind of sounds like
a K-pop band.
521
00:21:03,180 --> 00:21:04,748
(laughs)
522
00:21:04,848 --> 00:21:06,016
-You into K-pop?
-I'm totally...
523
00:21:06,116 --> 00:21:07,717
No. I'm old.
524
00:21:07,818 --> 00:21:09,586
The answer...
525
00:21:09,686 --> 00:21:11,321
is NFTs.
526
00:21:14,357 --> 00:21:15,592
It's too bad
you didn't get that,
527
00:21:15,692 --> 00:21:16,927
because the prize for getting it
528
00:21:17,027 --> 00:21:18,862
would have been
an NFT of a monkey
529
00:21:19,029 --> 00:21:20,697
that would have had you
set for life.
530
00:21:20,797 --> 00:21:23,333
We live in a very dumb,
dumb, dumb world, huh?
531
00:21:23,433 --> 00:21:25,469
-♪ ♪
-No love for NFTs,
532
00:21:25,569 --> 00:21:27,804
the Beanie Babies of the 2020s.
533
00:21:27,904 --> 00:21:30,073
Time to bring it home
in our bonus round,
534
00:21:30,173 --> 00:21:32,809
Guess the Speaker.
535
00:21:32,909 --> 00:21:34,811
Who said...
536
00:21:37,447 --> 00:21:41,284
...when then President Trump
asked him what he should do
537
00:21:41,384 --> 00:21:42,752
about North Korea?
538
00:21:42,853 --> 00:21:44,354
Who said that?
539
00:21:44,454 --> 00:21:46,256
-Pence?
-Mike Pence?
540
00:21:46,356 --> 00:21:49,092
-Mike Pence.
-You are giving Donald Trump
541
00:21:49,192 --> 00:21:50,861
way too much respect
542
00:21:50,994 --> 00:21:53,396
to think that he would ask
an actual politician
543
00:21:53,497 --> 00:21:55,065
a policy question.
544
00:21:55,165 --> 00:21:56,366
Think much less qualified.
545
00:21:56,466 --> 00:21:57,834
Can I have hints, please?
546
00:21:58,001 --> 00:22:02,706
He introduces himself like this.
"My name is Blank!" Blank.
547
00:22:02,806 --> 00:22:04,641
-RuPaul.
-RuPaul actually is qualified
548
00:22:04,741 --> 00:22:06,042
-to handle North Korea.
-Okay.
549
00:22:06,143 --> 00:22:07,477
Have you seen Drag Race?
550
00:22:07,577 --> 00:22:09,713
Breaking up arguments,
dealing with egos,
551
00:22:09,813 --> 00:22:11,548
disappointment, success.
552
00:22:11,648 --> 00:22:12,649
No.
553
00:22:12,749 --> 00:22:15,018
Think of
the least qualified person
554
00:22:15,051 --> 00:22:17,220
that could answer a question
about North Korea.
555
00:22:17,320 --> 00:22:21,258
A person who said to Trump "I'm
not qualified to answer that."
556
00:22:21,358 --> 00:22:23,627
-Kid Rock.
-Well guess what.
557
00:22:25,395 --> 00:22:29,332
-It's Kid Rock! Holy shit!
-No way.
558
00:22:29,432 --> 00:22:31,835
♪ My name is Kid, bow,
chicka, bucka, bow, bow. ♪
559
00:22:31,935 --> 00:22:35,138
(speaking): ♪ Balls in your
mouth, balls in your mouth. ♪
560
00:22:35,238 --> 00:22:37,974
"Balls in Your Mouth."
561
00:22:38,074 --> 00:22:39,976
That's one of his songs.
I don't just scream that.
562
00:22:40,010 --> 00:22:41,845
(applause and cheering)
563
00:22:41,978 --> 00:22:43,380
Thank you so much,
Michael Kosta.
564
00:22:43,480 --> 00:22:45,282
All right, when we come back,
Alexis McGill Johnson,
565
00:22:45,382 --> 00:22:46,850
the president
of Planned Parenthood
566
00:22:46,983 --> 00:22:49,453
is joining me on the show,
so don't go away.
567
00:22:49,553 --> 00:22:51,588
(applause and cheering)
568
00:23:04,114 --> 00:23:06,149
(cheering and applause)
569
00:23:09,319 --> 00:23:11,688
Welcome back to The Daily Show.
My guest tonight
570
00:23:11,788 --> 00:23:15,058
is the president and CEO
of Planned Parenthood.
571
00:23:15,158 --> 00:23:17,527
She's here to talk
about the fight for Roe v. Wade
572
00:23:17,627 --> 00:23:19,996
and protecting
women's right to choose.
573
00:23:20,096 --> 00:23:22,499
Please welcome
Alexis McGill Johnson.
574
00:23:22,599 --> 00:23:24,634
-♪ ♪
-(cheering and applause)
575
00:23:30,106 --> 00:23:31,574
Welcome.
576
00:23:31,675 --> 00:23:34,044
-Welcome.
-Okay. (chuckles)
577
00:23:35,879 --> 00:23:37,213
Thank you.
578
00:23:42,419 --> 00:23:43,953
Welcome to The Daily Show.
579
00:23:44,054 --> 00:23:45,355
Thank you so much for having me.
580
00:23:45,455 --> 00:23:47,290
What a time to have you on.
581
00:23:47,390 --> 00:23:50,627
Um, everybody in the country
has been shell-shocked
582
00:23:50,727 --> 00:23:53,463
by what is not
an official decision
583
00:23:53,563 --> 00:23:57,067
but, unfortunately, looks
like a looming one nonetheless.
584
00:23:57,167 --> 00:23:59,903
As the president
of Planned Parenthood,
585
00:24:00,003 --> 00:24:02,305
I know many people
are turning to you to say...
586
00:24:02,405 --> 00:24:04,207
What does this mean?
587
00:24:04,240 --> 00:24:07,043
-What does it actually mean
on the ground? -Right.
588
00:24:07,210 --> 00:24:09,245
So, right now,
it is still a draft opinion.
589
00:24:09,346 --> 00:24:11,881
Uh, on the ground,
abortion is still legal.
590
00:24:11,982 --> 00:24:13,516
Uh, and I think
that's really important,
591
00:24:13,616 --> 00:24:15,085
because there are people
waking up every day
592
00:24:15,218 --> 00:24:17,554
who are going
to, uh, health centers
593
00:24:17,654 --> 00:24:18,989
to get access to care.
594
00:24:19,089 --> 00:24:21,091
And there are already
enough restrictions out there.
595
00:24:21,224 --> 00:24:24,294
Uh, so we have to remember
that this is, uh, a moment
596
00:24:24,394 --> 00:24:26,896
where the final decision
isn't in.
597
00:24:26,997 --> 00:24:29,366
What we saw on the ground,
as well, yesterday
598
00:24:29,466 --> 00:24:32,602
was, uh, an intense set
of-of demonstrations
599
00:24:32,702 --> 00:24:35,238
of the rage that people
have been experiencing
600
00:24:35,338 --> 00:24:38,274
over and over again,
uh, and the frustration
601
00:24:38,375 --> 00:24:40,543
with seeing their rights
being chipped away.
602
00:24:40,643 --> 00:24:41,778
When you...
When you look at that
603
00:24:41,878 --> 00:24:43,446
and you look at that fight,
do you...
604
00:24:43,546 --> 00:24:45,915
do you ever think
that we could do a better job
605
00:24:46,016 --> 00:24:47,817
of maintaining a consistency
606
00:24:47,917 --> 00:24:49,552
in these fights
for people's liberties
607
00:24:49,653 --> 00:24:51,621
as opposed to having it be
an on-off switch?
608
00:24:51,721 --> 00:24:53,890
Because, you know, I know people
have made record donations.
609
00:24:53,990 --> 00:24:56,259
I-I know there are people
out protesting, et cetera.
610
00:24:56,326 --> 00:24:58,328
But if you look at conservatives
on their side,
611
00:24:58,428 --> 00:25:00,664
it seems like they've been
slowly chipping away.
612
00:25:00,764 --> 00:25:03,299
They slowly chip away.
They plan way in advance.
613
00:25:03,400 --> 00:25:05,402
They think of which judges
to get into which positions,
614
00:25:05,502 --> 00:25:07,570
and now it looks
like they're going to reap
615
00:25:07,671 --> 00:25:09,606
-the fruit of their, you know,
of their labor. -Yeah.
616
00:25:09,706 --> 00:25:11,374
I'd love to know what you think,
617
00:25:11,474 --> 00:25:13,410
like, people who believe
that women should have the right
618
00:25:13,510 --> 00:25:14,778
to choose what they do
with their own bodies,
619
00:25:14,878 --> 00:25:16,413
what they
should be doing constantly
620
00:25:16,513 --> 00:25:17,681
as opposed to intermittently.
621
00:25:17,781 --> 00:25:19,082
Well, I think
you're absolutely right
622
00:25:19,215 --> 00:25:22,218
to locate it, like,
in what the long game is, right?
623
00:25:22,252 --> 00:25:24,321
That the-the opposition
has spent,
624
00:25:24,421 --> 00:25:26,456
um, 50 years fighting this
625
00:25:26,556 --> 00:25:29,225
but the last 12 years
in particular weaponizing.
626
00:25:29,259 --> 00:25:31,294
Gerrymandering, um, in states.
627
00:25:31,394 --> 00:25:33,763
Uh, focusing on-on justices
628
00:25:33,863 --> 00:25:35,365
all the way up
to the Supreme Court.
629
00:25:35,465 --> 00:25:38,635
And at every turn,
they have tried to, essentially,
630
00:25:38,735 --> 00:25:42,005
take more power in order
to take more rights away.
631
00:25:42,105 --> 00:25:43,707
-Mm-hmm. -And it is not
just access to abortion
632
00:25:43,807 --> 00:25:45,141
that they're coming for, right?
633
00:25:45,241 --> 00:25:47,410
We heard them openly talk
about access to contraception,
634
00:25:47,510 --> 00:25:49,746
marriage equality,
interracial marriage.
635
00:25:49,846 --> 00:25:52,148
All the things
of how we identify ourselves
636
00:25:52,248 --> 00:25:53,550
and our bodies, um,
637
00:25:53,650 --> 00:25:56,019
is exactly what the long game
and the strategy is.
638
00:25:56,119 --> 00:25:58,922
So our long game has to be
just as relentless, right?
639
00:25:59,022 --> 00:26:00,290
It has to be just as strategic.
640
00:26:00,390 --> 00:26:02,292
It is not just
about being in the streets.
641
00:26:02,392 --> 00:26:03,960
It is about capturing that rage
642
00:26:04,060 --> 00:26:07,197
and-and turning it into, uh,
into the midterms.
643
00:26:07,297 --> 00:26:09,099
You know, 2022.
644
00:26:09,199 --> 00:26:10,967
-Right. -We've got to make sure
that we're turning people out,
645
00:26:11,067 --> 00:26:12,535
and we also have to think
about, you know,
646
00:26:12,635 --> 00:26:14,471
the fact that they have kicked
us out of the Constitution.
647
00:26:14,571 --> 00:26:17,073
Right?
If-if Roe v. Wade is overturned,
648
00:26:17,207 --> 00:26:19,209
they're essentially saying,
"You are not equal.
649
00:26:19,275 --> 00:26:20,577
You cannot control your body."
650
00:26:20,677 --> 00:26:22,245
And, so, if anybody kicks you
out of the Constitution,
651
00:26:22,345 --> 00:26:23,446
you got to think
about how you're gonna
652
00:26:23,546 --> 00:26:24,914
get yourself back in.
653
00:26:25,015 --> 00:26:27,717
-(cheering and applause)
-When you, um...
654
00:26:30,787 --> 00:26:32,389
You know, when you think
about this fight,
655
00:26:32,489 --> 00:26:34,024
I think, a lot of the time,
people think
656
00:26:34,124 --> 00:26:36,860
about what they can do
to stop the other side
657
00:26:36,960 --> 00:26:38,395
or what they can do
to fight back
658
00:26:38,495 --> 00:26:40,730
at-at what's happening.
659
00:26:40,830 --> 00:26:42,966
(stammers) I think--
There's one thing that I found
660
00:26:43,066 --> 00:26:44,434
really interesting in particular
661
00:26:44,534 --> 00:26:47,237
between how many conservatives
or Republicans think
662
00:26:47,337 --> 00:26:49,072
and then how many Democrats
or liberals think
663
00:26:49,239 --> 00:26:52,008
and that is Republicans
hold their own accountable
664
00:26:52,108 --> 00:26:53,376
-in an interesting way.
-Mm-hmm.
665
00:26:53,476 --> 00:26:55,145
You know, so they go,
"Either you're doing this
666
00:26:55,245 --> 00:26:56,246
or you're out of the party."
667
00:26:56,346 --> 00:26:57,781
-Yeah.
-And we've seen Trump do that,
668
00:26:57,881 --> 00:27:00,250
-you know, without fail.
-Consistently.
669
00:27:00,317 --> 00:27:02,252
Is there something
that people could be doing
670
00:27:02,319 --> 00:27:04,087
to put pressure
on the Democrats, to say,
671
00:27:04,187 --> 00:27:06,723
"Hey, when we have voted you in,
672
00:27:06,823 --> 00:27:10,260
we need you to solidify
what we voted you in to do"?
673
00:27:10,360 --> 00:27:12,529
Yes. Absolutely.
Look, there is a bill right now
674
00:27:12,629 --> 00:27:14,030
called the Women's Health
Protection Act.
675
00:27:14,197 --> 00:27:15,865
Uh, Leader Schumer has, uh...
676
00:27:15,965 --> 00:27:20,103
will take it up next week again
with the, uh, Senate to vote on.
677
00:27:20,203 --> 00:27:21,905
And what the Women's Health
Protection Act does
678
00:27:22,005 --> 00:27:23,239
is it codifies Roe.
679
00:27:23,340 --> 00:27:25,775
It's the federal legislation
that protects this right,
680
00:27:25,875 --> 00:27:27,777
uh, in-into law.
681
00:27:27,877 --> 00:27:30,213
And, you know,
getting people on record, right?
682
00:27:30,280 --> 00:27:32,882
We don't have-- Unfortunately,
we need to reform the filibuster
683
00:27:32,983 --> 00:27:34,117
-in order to get it passed.
-Mm-hmm.
684
00:27:34,217 --> 00:27:35,385
Uh, but, at the same time,
685
00:27:35,485 --> 00:27:37,721
we are gonna be able
to get people on record,
686
00:27:37,821 --> 00:27:39,589
hold them to account,
to your point.
687
00:27:39,689 --> 00:27:41,124
And that's our message. Right?
688
00:27:41,224 --> 00:27:43,526
The reason you can't have what
you want, even though we have--
689
00:27:43,626 --> 00:27:46,329
80% of people believe that Roe
should be the law of the land,
690
00:27:46,429 --> 00:27:48,298
the reason you can't have
the things that you want
691
00:27:48,398 --> 00:27:50,233
is because, you know,
essentially,
692
00:27:50,266 --> 00:27:52,235
these states have,
um, you know--
693
00:27:52,335 --> 00:27:53,970
You have got
a vocal minority of people
694
00:27:54,070 --> 00:27:55,705
-who control
the levers of power. -Right.
695
00:27:55,805 --> 00:27:58,541
And the only way to change that
is through direct democracy.
696
00:27:58,641 --> 00:28:01,244
So we got to fight to get
ourselves back into democracy.
697
00:28:01,311 --> 00:28:02,679
We also have to fight
to get ourselves back
698
00:28:02,779 --> 00:28:04,881
in the Constitution, and this
legislation can help us do that.
699
00:28:04,981 --> 00:28:06,549
Let's talk about
this legislation for a moment.
700
00:28:06,650 --> 00:28:09,319
Y-You know, I always get
frustrated and confused
701
00:28:09,419 --> 00:28:12,789
by why legislation in America
has so many things added in.
702
00:28:12,889 --> 00:28:14,024
It's like a bundle. You know?
703
00:28:14,190 --> 00:28:16,626
Because even this Women's Health
Protection Act,
704
00:28:16,726 --> 00:28:18,862
you know, I love the idea
of codifying Roe v. Wade.
705
00:28:18,962 --> 00:28:20,296
You go, like,
"Let's get women their rights."
706
00:28:20,397 --> 00:28:23,266
But then it adds in a few
other things that people can use
707
00:28:23,366 --> 00:28:24,601
as an excuse to fight against.
708
00:28:24,701 --> 00:28:26,569
You know, like, it affects,
like, waiting rooms.
709
00:28:26,670 --> 00:28:28,071
And correct me anywhere
I'm wrong. It's like it affects
710
00:28:28,204 --> 00:28:29,773
doctors in this way and affects
a little thing on this side
711
00:28:29,873 --> 00:28:30,974
and a little thing on that side.
712
00:28:31,074 --> 00:28:32,776
D-Do you sometimes not worry
713
00:28:32,876 --> 00:28:34,878
that when you create,
you know, a law,
714
00:28:34,978 --> 00:28:36,746
when you-- when you help
lawmakers to-to try
715
00:28:36,846 --> 00:28:38,081
and think of these things,
716
00:28:38,214 --> 00:28:40,417
it-it gives people an out,
where they can say,
717
00:28:40,517 --> 00:28:42,218
"Oh, I didn't vote for that
because of this,
718
00:28:42,319 --> 00:28:43,787
"not because I want women
to have a choice,
719
00:28:43,887 --> 00:28:45,555
"but I didn't like
what it did to doctors
720
00:28:45,655 --> 00:28:48,825
or their waiting rooms" or all
these other ancillary issues
721
00:28:48,925 --> 00:28:50,360
that are gonna affect people?
722
00:28:50,460 --> 00:28:53,229
Yeah. So, here-here's the state
of play right now, right?
723
00:28:53,296 --> 00:28:55,332
We have Roe is
the law of the land,
724
00:28:55,432 --> 00:28:58,134
-uh, technically until the-the
full decision comes down. -Okay.
725
00:28:58,234 --> 00:28:59,969
And even with Roe
being the law of the land,
726
00:29:00,070 --> 00:29:02,505
even with it being enshrined
in the Constitution,
727
00:29:02,605 --> 00:29:06,309
states have put restrictions in
over and over again, right?
728
00:29:06,409 --> 00:29:08,044
We've got a six-week ban
in Texas
729
00:29:08,178 --> 00:29:09,379
-that comes with a bounty hunter
provision. -Yes. Yes.
730
00:29:09,479 --> 00:29:12,048
We got a 15-week ban in Florida
and Arizona.
731
00:29:12,182 --> 00:29:14,818
We've had laws about, you know,
whether or not someone,
732
00:29:14,918 --> 00:29:17,988
um, will need to see the same
doctor within a 72-hour period.
733
00:29:18,088 --> 00:29:20,090
-Mm-hmm. -The laws
are all about shaming people.
734
00:29:20,190 --> 00:29:21,758
They're about shaming providers.
They're about shaming
735
00:29:21,858 --> 00:29:23,793
the patients about the decisions
that they want to make
736
00:29:23,893 --> 00:29:25,028
-about their own bodies.
-Mm-hmm.
737
00:29:25,195 --> 00:29:27,263
What the Women's Health
Protection Act does
738
00:29:27,364 --> 00:29:30,734
is it actually says all of these
laws that are getting in the way
739
00:29:30,834 --> 00:29:32,869
of people being able to access
the right,
740
00:29:32,969 --> 00:29:35,205
-their federal right, is, um...
-Right, right.
741
00:29:35,238 --> 00:29:37,707
...those are laws that are--
that would be banned.
742
00:29:37,807 --> 00:29:39,275
And that's what's important,
right?
743
00:29:39,376 --> 00:29:42,645
The fact that-that, even though
we have the right right now,
744
00:29:42,746 --> 00:29:45,048
-access itself is so limited.
-Mm.
745
00:29:45,215 --> 00:29:47,884
Um, and so that's why we're
seeing the outrage right now,
746
00:29:47,984 --> 00:29:50,620
because it has been not only
this chipping away of rights
747
00:29:50,720 --> 00:29:52,689
but also a chipping away
of access.
748
00:29:52,789 --> 00:29:54,924
Uh, Roe is just, you know,
the floor, right?
749
00:29:55,025 --> 00:29:56,526
As my reproductive justice
colleagues would say,
750
00:29:56,626 --> 00:29:58,028
-you know?
-Wow.
751
00:29:58,128 --> 00:30:00,730
When you look at branding,
you know, there's no denying
752
00:30:00,830 --> 00:30:03,767
that any political messaging,
any messaging
753
00:30:03,867 --> 00:30:06,036
that's trying to mobilize
society has to think
754
00:30:06,169 --> 00:30:07,637
about how it's branded.
755
00:30:07,737 --> 00:30:10,407
When you look
at how people approve of,
756
00:30:10,507 --> 00:30:12,609
or what, you know,
the polling suggests
757
00:30:12,709 --> 00:30:14,577
about people's support
of abortion
758
00:30:14,678 --> 00:30:16,179
throughout the United States,
I have noticed
759
00:30:16,212 --> 00:30:18,214
an interesting trend, and that
is, it dramatically changes
760
00:30:18,315 --> 00:30:19,983
-depending on how the question
is asked. -Correct.
761
00:30:20,083 --> 00:30:21,785
And it changes depending
on where you say
762
00:30:21,885 --> 00:30:23,620
the abortion happens or how,
so, I think,
763
00:30:23,720 --> 00:30:26,456
you know, the overwhelming
majority of people will say,
764
00:30:26,556 --> 00:30:28,825
they are pro, um, a woman having
the right to choose,
765
00:30:28,925 --> 00:30:30,193
but in the first trimester.
766
00:30:30,293 --> 00:30:32,295
And then, second trimester,
it almost becomes
767
00:30:32,395 --> 00:30:34,097
even maybe flips the other way,
and then, you know,
768
00:30:34,197 --> 00:30:35,899
third trimester,
it completely flips.
769
00:30:35,999 --> 00:30:39,202
Do you ever worry
that maybe Planned Parenthood
770
00:30:39,269 --> 00:30:41,371
and organizations like yours
that are fighting
771
00:30:41,471 --> 00:30:43,373
for women's right to choose,
do you ever worry
772
00:30:43,473 --> 00:30:46,109
that you may be losing
the entire war
773
00:30:46,209 --> 00:30:47,444
because you're not willing
to concede
774
00:30:47,544 --> 00:30:49,379
on some of the battles,
or do you feel like
775
00:30:49,479 --> 00:30:51,114
you have to go
for all of them at once,
776
00:30:51,214 --> 00:30:52,649
even if you risk
losing everything?
777
00:30:52,749 --> 00:30:55,819
You know, look, Trevor,
no pregnancy,
778
00:30:55,919 --> 00:30:57,854
no two pregnancies ended
the same way, right?
779
00:30:57,954 --> 00:31:01,624
I mean, it is the reality
that people will make decisions
780
00:31:01,725 --> 00:31:03,426
about their pregnancies,
whether or not to continue them,
781
00:31:03,526 --> 00:31:05,562
or to terminate them based
on the circumstances
782
00:31:05,662 --> 00:31:07,163
-in their own lives.
-Right.
783
00:31:07,263 --> 00:31:09,699
And that is the thing that we
really need to understand here.
784
00:31:09,799 --> 00:31:12,168
You know, getting, parsing out
weeks in gestation--
785
00:31:12,202 --> 00:31:13,636
that is what
the opposition has done.
786
00:31:13,737 --> 00:31:17,273
They try to create these wedges
around understanding
787
00:31:17,374 --> 00:31:20,243
what most people want is
to not have a politician
788
00:31:20,343 --> 00:31:21,945
in their decision, right?
789
00:31:22,045 --> 00:31:24,047
As, uh, you know?
790
00:31:24,180 --> 00:31:26,549
-(applause)
-Right?
791
00:31:26,650 --> 00:31:28,385
You don't want 'em.
792
00:31:28,485 --> 00:31:29,986
You don't want 'em
in your exam room.
793
00:31:30,086 --> 00:31:31,221
You don't want 'em
in the conversation
794
00:31:31,321 --> 00:31:32,789
with you and your doctor.
You don't want 'em
795
00:31:32,889 --> 00:31:34,891
in the conversation with you and
your partner, with your pastor.
796
00:31:34,991 --> 00:31:36,426
And at the end of the day,
like, that, to me,
797
00:31:36,526 --> 00:31:38,361
-is most the most important,
you know, message... -Mm-hmm.
798
00:31:38,461 --> 00:31:39,963
that we need
to be sending to people.
799
00:31:40,063 --> 00:31:42,565
The reason why it also needs
to be a private decision is
800
00:31:42,666 --> 00:31:44,300
because it's only
your business, and so...
801
00:31:44,401 --> 00:31:46,603
-(audience voicing assent)
-Right?
802
00:31:46,703 --> 00:31:49,205
-(applause and cheering)
-That's it.
803
00:31:51,641 --> 00:31:53,076
Where to from here?
804
00:31:53,209 --> 00:31:55,745
So again, we are...
Uh, we'll be standing
805
00:31:55,845 --> 00:31:58,315
with the Senate next week
when they take up this vote
806
00:31:58,415 --> 00:32:01,985
to support all of those folks
who support access
807
00:32:02,085 --> 00:32:04,154
to abortion, codifying Roe.
808
00:32:04,254 --> 00:32:07,757
We will be channeling all
of the rage through 2022.
809
00:32:07,857 --> 00:32:10,694
And then, like I said,
you know, we have a long game
810
00:32:10,794 --> 00:32:13,530
that we need to play
around what it really means
811
00:32:13,630 --> 00:32:17,267
to have, you know,
this federal protection
812
00:32:17,367 --> 00:32:19,269
enshrined in the constitution.
813
00:32:19,369 --> 00:32:20,704
And I think
that's really important
814
00:32:20,804 --> 00:32:23,206
because I think a lot
about the fact that, you know,
815
00:32:23,306 --> 00:32:25,308
what it means to be a leader
at the time,
816
00:32:25,408 --> 00:32:26,910
you know, um, at the end of Roe,
817
00:32:27,010 --> 00:32:29,546
-as the leader of a reproductive
rights organization. -Mm.
818
00:32:29,646 --> 00:32:32,182
And I think the question
we have to ask ourselves now is,
819
00:32:32,282 --> 00:32:35,018
who are we going to be when
we are no longer defending Roe?
820
00:32:35,185 --> 00:32:36,519
How are we gonna reimagine
821
00:32:36,619 --> 00:32:38,722
and create
an affirmative vision, right?
822
00:32:38,822 --> 00:32:40,557
Without stigma,
the kind of provision
823
00:32:40,657 --> 00:32:42,092
that everyone should be able
to have,
824
00:32:42,192 --> 00:32:44,461
the kind of health care they
need to have in their own state.
825
00:32:44,561 --> 00:32:46,830
Not getting in a car,
driving a thousand miles,
826
00:32:46,930 --> 00:32:48,565
putting your kids in the car,
and just to get,
827
00:32:48,665 --> 00:32:50,200
you know,
access to basic health care.
828
00:32:50,300 --> 00:32:51,801
You deserve it
in the state that you live,
829
00:32:51,901 --> 00:32:54,604
regardless of your race,
your class, your ability to pay.
830
00:32:54,704 --> 00:32:56,272
All of those things
are really important,
831
00:32:56,373 --> 00:32:57,741
and that's what
Planned Parenthood stands for.
832
00:32:57,841 --> 00:32:59,509
That's what all the leaders
in the movement stand for.
833
00:32:59,609 --> 00:33:01,311
And we'll be offering that
affirmative vision, as well.
834
00:33:01,411 --> 00:33:03,647
-Thank you so much for joining
us on the show. -Thank you.
835
00:33:03,747 --> 00:33:05,015
Appreciate your time.
836
00:33:05,115 --> 00:33:09,686
To find a Bans Off Our Bodies
rally near you
837
00:33:09,786 --> 00:33:12,822
on May 14, go to BansOff.org.
838
00:33:12,922 --> 00:33:14,024
All right, we're gonna take
a quick break,
839
00:33:14,124 --> 00:33:15,458
but we'll be right back
after this.
840
00:33:15,558 --> 00:33:18,561
-(applause and cheering)
-Thanks for coming.
841
00:33:24,867 --> 00:33:26,769
Well, that's our show
for tonight,
842
00:33:26,869 --> 00:33:30,506
but before we go,
please consider supporting
843
00:33:30,606 --> 00:33:32,642
the National Network
of Abortion Funds.
844
00:33:32,742 --> 00:33:35,044
They're a grassroots
organization on the ground
845
00:33:35,144 --> 00:33:37,313
building power
to remove financial, logistical,
846
00:33:37,413 --> 00:33:40,116
cultural and political barriers
to abortion.
847
00:33:40,216 --> 00:33:43,319
They form a network of over 70
grassroots organizations,
848
00:33:43,419 --> 00:33:46,188
and they recognize the power
of local activists
849
00:33:46,289 --> 00:33:47,690
knowing
what their communities need.
850
00:33:47,790 --> 00:33:49,825
Right now, abortion is
still legal in all 50 states.
851
00:33:49,925 --> 00:33:52,928
So if you can help them,
please donate at the link below.
852
00:33:53,029 --> 00:33:55,598
Until tomorrow, stay safe
out there and remember.
853
00:33:55,698 --> 00:33:58,467
If you have a penis
growing out of your arm,
854
00:33:58,567 --> 00:34:00,636
maybe just do fist bumps.
855
00:34:00,736 --> 00:34:03,639
Now here it is--
Your Moment of Zen.
856
00:34:03,739 --> 00:34:06,909
♪ ♪
857
00:34:07,009 --> 00:34:10,246
May the 4th be with you.
It is Star Wars Day,
858
00:34:10,346 --> 00:34:12,214
and that means it is time, Jen,
859
00:34:12,315 --> 00:34:14,850
-to get out those lightsabers.
-Right.
860
00:34:14,951 --> 00:34:16,719
-Ooh! I'm so, uh...
Today.
861
00:34:16,819 --> 00:34:17,720
-Pew, pew, pew, pew!
-May.
862
00:34:17,820 --> 00:34:18,754
Listen, we...
863
00:34:18,854 --> 00:34:20,189
Oh, she even does the spin.
864
00:34:20,289 --> 00:34:21,857
Carly, you're not my mother.
865
00:34:21,958 --> 00:34:23,926
Do we just, like,
lightsaber each other?
866
00:34:24,026 --> 00:34:27,196
I mean... I guess we could.
867
00:34:27,296 --> 00:34:29,432
-There you go. Oh, yours is...
-Ugh. Ugh. Get the hair!
868
00:34:29,532 --> 00:34:31,400
-(trilling) Okay. -That's a...
that's a Wookie, man.
869
00:34:31,500 --> 00:34:32,401
(trilling)
870
00:34:32,501 --> 00:34:33,836
It's like... (trilling)
871
00:34:33,903 --> 00:34:34,837
(both trilling)
872
00:34:34,904 --> 00:34:37,239
-(trilling)
-(laughing)
873
00:34:37,340 --> 00:34:40,242
(speaking gibberish)