[theme music]
ANNOUNCER: Coming to you from New
York City, the only city in America, it's The Daily Show.
Tonight, Russia gets down and dirty,
what you think about Halloween, and Diane Kruger.
This is The Daily Show with Trevor Noah.
[cheering]
What's going on, everybody?
Welcome to The Daily Show.
I'm Trevor Noah.
Thank you so much for tuning in.
Thank you for coming out in person.
Look at this, so much fun.
Oh, we're going to have a great time.
Take a seat. Take a seat, everybody.
Take a seat.
We've got a great show for you tonight.
Chinatown is getting a whole new meaning.
Elon Musk is in all our DMs.
And Ronny Chieng throws eggs at Halloween.
So let's do this, people.
Let's jump straight into today's headlines.
[music playing]
[cheering]
All right, people, I'm going to be honest.
With all the news happening right now,
I don't think we have enough space in today's show.
And I try-- I tried everything-- everything.
I even tried putting all the news in a panini press
and smooshing it down, but it didn't work.
The news just became crispier and more delicious.
But we still don't have enough time.
Fortunately, not enough time is just
enough time for a segment we call Ain't Nobody
Got Time for That.
[cheering]
All right, let's kick things off with the war in Ukraine,
where Ukrainian forces are continuing to make gains
on the ground against Russia.
And Russia is continuing to make gains in scaring
the shit out of everybody.
REPORTER: Tonight Vladimir Putin personally overseeing
Moscow's first major nuclear drills
since he invaded Ukraine, simulating
a massive nuclear strike.
And for the first time, Putin issuing
an ominous and unfounded warning--
[speaking russian]
REPORTER: --that Ukraine plans to blow up
a dirty bomb laced with radioactive material
in its own territory.
Western allies warning Russia could use such an event
as a false flag to blame Ukraine for an attack
that Moscow carries out itself.
REPORTER: A dirty bomb is not a nuclear bomb
and would be less harmful.
But by using conventional explosives
to spread radioactive material, it's
an effective weapon of terror.
Yeah, that's right.
Russia might be gearing up to use a dirty bomb, which
is a bomb that spreads radioactive material,
not a regular bomb that's into kinky shit
like you were thinking.
Not me-- that's what you were thinking when you heard that.
And right now Putin is saying that Ukraine
is planning to use a dirty bomb on themselves.
But everyone can see through this.
We know it's just a cover so that Putin has
an excuse to use one on them.
It's so transparent.
It's like a kid going, just so you know, Mom,
I heard that Ukraine is going to steal
all the Halloween candy before you can hand it out next week.
So if Halloween candy goes missing,
you know who to blame.
And, by the way, please don't buy Raisinets.
Ukraine doesn't like those ones.
[laughter]
But transparent or not, this is pretty terrifying
and not just for Ukraine.
Does Russia think these things through?
They're on the same border.
Think about how everything's gone wrong.
Look at how poorly Russia's entire invasion has gone, huh?
Dropping a dirty bomb will probably
end up backfiring on Putin.
He's going to be there in his war room like, (RUSSIAN
ACCENT) oh, shit, the radiation gave all Ukrainian soldiers
laser eyes.
That's so cool.
What about our soldiers?
Did they get powers, too, General?
Like, yes, Mr. President, our men can't stop pooping.
Not as cool.
Now, if we had more time, we could talk about how Russia is
also now threatening to shoot down American satellites that
are helping with the Ukrainian war effort, which would be
bad news for everybody except Space Force
because they finally have something to do.
But we don't have the time for that.
Because while Russia is planning shady shit
in Ukraine, China is already doing
shady shit all over the world.
The Dutch Foreign Ministry is investigating claims
that China is operating at least two unofficial police
stations in the Netherlands, which would
breach diplomatic protocol.
According to the allegations detailed in this report,
Beijing has been operating underground, undeclared
policing units to carry out persuasion operations aimed
at coercing those suspected of speaking
out against the Chinese regime to return home.
But what's happening in the Netherlands
might just be the tip of the iceberg.
The Spanish NGO Safeguard Defenders
says it's uncovered more than 50 unofficial police
stations around the world.
It's found outposts in at least 21 countries,
including the UK, the US, and many parts of Europe.
OK, if this is true, this is terrifying.
Can you imagine China has a secret police
force in other countries, where they
harass and intimidate Chinese dissidents
who are living abroad?
And then they try and convince them
to move back to China, which, how does that even work, huh?
What, are agents just grabbing Chinese people
abroad like, hey, we've seen the crap you talk about China?
You say one more thing about China,
and China will destroy you.
You better shut up about China.
You hear me?
Oh, and, by the way, would you like to move back to China?
We miss you. It's a great place.
We've got WeChat now.
[laughter]
Now China claims these offices are
not secret police stations.
They're just used for administrative purposes
like giving people driver's licenses and stuff.
But if that's true, why are they keeping them all
secret, huh?
You don't need to be shady if you're just doing paperwork.
Yeah, the DMV lady is never like, oh, you
need to renew your passport.
Be at this parking lot at 0500 hours.
Tell the man in the green jacket
that the sun shines in November.
He'll give you a briefcase with your new passport and a gun.
Use the gun to kill him.
And if you don't like your picture, come back
and we'll retake it, OK?
Now, if we had time, we could talk more about
how China is increasingly throwing
its weight around the world.
Or we could figure out the best way
to protect ourselves from Chinese influence
and surveillance.
I mean, maybe we can find the answer on TikTok.
But we don't have the time for that.
Because while China is spreading around the world
in secret, there's an even bigger
super power who just announced her plan
to dominate the globe.
Fans of superstar singer Rihanna
have been clamoring for new music from her for years.
And now it appears their wait is almost over.
[music playing]
Rihanna shared a 15-second teaser
on Twitter of her new single titled "Lift Me Up."
It's for the upcoming Black Panther
movie, Wakanda Forever.
This marks Rihanna's first single as a lead artist in six
long years for her fans.
Oh, yeah!
[cheering]
Thank you.
Thank you, Jesus.
Rihanna's releasing new music.
And on top of that, her song is going
to be part of the new Black Panther movie.
Are you kidding me?
[cheering]
Oh, man, that's going to be so great.
I mean, it's going to be great for us.
It won't be great for the Wakandans
because it's going to be hard to concentrate
on fighting the bad guys when a Rihanna song starts playing.
You know, it's going to be like, it's
time to defend our ho-- oh!
Oh, surely, are you hearing this right now, huh?
Are you hearing this?
Because you understand how big this is,
Rihanna plus Black Panther.
What?
I haven't experienced this much Black joy
since that time featured on that Cardi B track.
Oh, man.
Yeah, it was just like (IMITATING OBAMA) wap,
wap, wap, that's right.
I'll tell you what makes my pussy wet-- voting.
Vote.
Everybody, vote.
A wap, wap, wap.
[applause]
I will say, though--
I will say, you've got to admit, Rihanna
is keeping us thirsty, huh?
We've been all begging--
we've been begging for an album for six years.
And now she's like, OK, OK, I'll give you one song.
And we're like, thank you, Rihanna!
Thank you, just one song.
Now, if we had the time, we could celebrate the release
of this new track by listening to all
of Rihanna's previous albums.
But we don't have the time for that.
Because while Rihanna is about to take over your Spotify,
another billionaire is taking over your tweets.
REPORTER: One day before he's expected to officially take
over Twitter, Elon Musk walked back his previous promise
to remove most moderation on the site,
reassuring advertisers that it would not become
a free-for-all hellscape, where anything can
be said with no consequences.
Musk also visited Twitter's offices,
carrying a kitchen sink, tweeting, "entering
Twitter HQ, let that sink in."
Oh.
Oh, get it?
Get it?
Let that sink in.
I know a lot of people think that was corny.
But I think once you have 87 children,
you're allowed to make dad jokes.
You can do it.
It's fun.
Let that sink in.
What I want to know is, where did he get that sink?
No, I mean, it works for the joke.
Where did he get the sink?
Right?
Is it just the one he ripped out
of the wall when the judge told him he had to buy Twitter?
[shouts]
If anything, Elon is the right billionaire to make this joke,
you know?
Because if Jeff Bezos walked into Amazon with a sink,
his employees would be like, oh, wow,
we're finally getting a restroom.
He's like, no!
No, go away.
Go away.
[applause]
And as for that statement to the advertisers that Elon
sent, I will say, it's interesting to see Elon go
from the free speech cowboy of the West
to pandering to the advertisers and saying,
Twitter will be a safe space for your advertising dollars.
Yeah, the man has owned Twitter for one minute,
and already, he's like, free speech is great,
but you know what else is great?
Money, yeah.
Mm-hmm.
Honestly, it's embarrassing.
Yeah, not even-- not even one day
of owning Twitter, and Elon is already caving in
to the advertisers, folding like a tortilla
around a Crunch Wrap Supreme filled with carne asada steak,
available only at Taco Bell.
[laughter]
What a shill.
What a shameless, shameless shill.
Now, if we had more time, we could
get into how Twitter can try to stay relevant
in the era of TikTok, or how funny it would be if everyone
stopped using Twitter and Elon Musk just straight up
lost $44 billion.
But we don't have the time for any of that.
Because while Twitter is entering a new phase,
its top rival just got some very bad news of its own.
REPORTER: Meta, the parent company of Facebook,
reported earnings that disappointed
Wall Street in a big way--
the stock plunging more than 20% after the company
revealed that it expects its losses
associated with building the Metaverse to keep growing.
REPORTER: Meta has already lost a staggering $9.4 billion
on the Metaverse so far this year.
But Zuckerberg is vowing to stay the course.
MARK ZUCKERBERG (ON PHONE): Look,
I get that a lot of people might
disagree with this investment.
But people are going to look back on decades from now
and talk about the importance of the work that
was done here.
Not a lot of sympathy for Zuckerberg,
but the wealth destruction across the board
here, remarkable.
From his peak last year, Zuckerberg
is down about $95 billion.
He used to be the third richest person in the world.
After today, he could fall to 26 or 27.
Ugh, puh!
26th or 27th richest person in the wo-- ugh!
Ugh, puh!
Disgusting!
Now what can you buy?
Like, everything?
Ugh.
Yeah, thanks to his investments in the Metaverse,
Mark Zuckerberg has lost $95 billion
in his personal wealth.
If the man was capable of feeling human emotion right
now, he'd be stressed as hell.
Because keep in mind-- keep in mind, once you fall out
of the top 10, you no longer get to go to the VIP area
at the Illuminati orgy.
No, you're in general admission.
It's a terrible view.
You can't even see the virgin goat sacrifice.
What happened?
Did it happen yet?
Did it happen?
It's actually a goat that's a virgin, sacrificing something
else. It's weird.
Now, before you feel sorry for Zuckerberg, remember,
it's not all bad for him.
Yes, he's down $95 billion in the real world.
But in the Metaverse, he's still worth $10 trillion
Zuck Bucks.
Oh, yeah.
And I will say kudos to Mark.
Kudos, Mark Zuckerberg.
A lot of people have been talking about taking
down big tech for a while.
But he's the only one with the balls
to do it to his own company.
[laughter]
Be the change you want to see in the world.
[applause]
He's a leader.
Now, if we had more time, we could
talk about how virtual reality is never really going
to catch on until the hardware becomes
less intrusive and cumbersome.
Because, I mean, like, right now putting
on one of those Oculus headsets feels like I'm carrying
a small child on my face.
But we don't have the time for that
because I must honor our sacred sponsors with this
precious advertisement break.
We'll be right back.
[cheering]
Welcome back to The Daily Show.
You know, there's so much arguing in America today.
But we here at The Daily Show think
there could be even more.
So to do our part, here's Ronny Chieng
with another installment of Prove Me Wrong.
Piles of candy, hyper kids, candy apples stuck in braces,
it's like Christmas for dentists,
except it's Prove Me Wrong, Halloween edition.
[music playing]
Halloween sucks.
Prove me wrong. Taking out--
But there's candy.
RONNY CHIENG: Dude, it's America.
There's candy every day.
Will you give me free candy?
Stop trying to get free shit from people.
Pay your way once in your life, guys.
- And the haunted houses. - Yeah.
What do you have to say about the haunted houses?
- Right. - Those are fun.
A little, like, nervous system reset.
And I can't do that on, you know, Valentine's Day.
That's not fun.
That's not the vibe.
Yeah, I don't like holidays where
I sometimes shit my pants.
That sounds personal.
What is the history of Halloween?
Satan's party before Christ comes to wipe him out.
That's all I know.
Wait.
So we end the year with Jesus because we
summon Satan during Halloween?
People liking candy.
You-- you think that's how this started?
Yeah.
I guess not knowing your traditions
is also an American tradition.
Every other holiday is scarier than Halloween.
Prove me wrong.
Easter-- what's scary about Easter?
Chocolate-- RONNY CHIENG: No.
--bunnies.
Easter, there's a giant bunny that shits chocolate
that we pick up and eat.
I think Chinese New Year is less scary than Halloween.
We're talking about there's drag--
there's like, lion dancers.
People are letting off fireworks and crackers.
I mean, you just have to keep your head on swivel
and just keep lighting fireworks.
OK, look at these other American holidays, OK?
Thanksgiving, genocide.
4th of July, bombs.
Christmas, some old guy breaks into your home and leaves shit
and eats cookies.
Flag Day.
Halloween is definitely scarier than Flag Day.
So you're telling me you go down to the deep South,
and you got a bunch of guys waving American flags at you--
you're not going to be a little bit scared?
[laughs]
I think Mother's Day is less scary than Halloween.
Well, it depends on the mother.
I have a great mother.
Do you wish that he was married?
Yes.
You still like Mother's Day?
Valentine's Day isn't that scary.
Valentine's Day, you have to put yourself out there
with a valentines to tell someone
that you like them with the chance
that they might not like you back.
That is way scarier than a bunch
of kids running around dressed up as the princess
from Frozen.
OK, on Valentine's Day--
It's New York.
--if you get rejected, you know, you move on.
But if you reject kids from giving them candy on Halloween
night, then they might stay at your house for, like, hours,
and then egg your house.
Egg your house.
That's what I do when someone rejects
me on Valentine's Day as well.
[laughter]
Scary costumes are better than sexy costumes.
Prove me wrong.
Ew.
First of all, scary costumes, way warmer than sexy costumes.
It's not too cold. It's fall.
It's not winter.
It's fall.
OK, for the rest of us nonmodels,
we get cold when we're not wearing clothes.
There's a price for fashion.
Yes, exactly.
You get to be, like, honestly, just kind of hot--
- Period. - --for a night.
Like, dress up as, like, a hot kitty
cat or, like, a hot bunny.
And no one gives a shit.
Yeah, but this is New York City.
You can dress up as a hot kitty cat all the time,
and no one will give a shit.
WOMAN: Yeah, but what about, like, Minnesota?
If you live in Minnesota, you dress up like a sexy cat--
you're going to freeze to death.
Hoes don't get cold.
[laughter]
Hoes don't get cold, OK?
RONNY CHIENG: So do you think that sexy costumes are
better than scary costumes?
Yeah, it makes everybody happy.
[laughs] Love is in the air.
Sexy costumes will get you laid, so--
You know what?
I think you just won the argument right there.
[laughter]
I think this topic is over.
I guess you should take the desk.
[music playing]
[cheering]
Thank you so much for that, Ronny Chieng.
All right, stay tuned because when we come back,
Diane Kruger will be joining me right here on the show.
So don't go away.
[cheering]
Welcome back to The Daily Show.
My guest tonight is an internationally renowned
actor you know from films like Inglourious Basterds and Troy.
She's here to talk about her new children's book
called A Name from the Sky.
Please, welcome Diane Kruger.
[music playing]
[cheering]
Thank you so much.
Welcome.
Thank you.
Diane Kruger, welcome to The Daily Show.
Thank you. First time.
Right.
Willkommen bei The Daily Show, and bienvenue a la--
a la Daily Show--
I don't speak French.
So I don't know.
But you do.
You do.
You're one of the more impressive actors I've
ever come across in my life.
Because not only are you in some of the most iconic films,
but you do it in multiple languages.
So we've seen you in English films.
We've seen you in German films.
We've seen you in French films.
I would love to know where you are most comfortable acting--
which language?
I don't want to brag, but truly I'm
comfortable in all languages.
It took me a while.
TREVOR NOAH: Yeah?
That sounds like such a brag. I know.
TREVOR NOAH: No, it doesn't. - It's awful.
No, you know what?
In French, I feel like I am a little bit
of a different person. TREVOR NOAH: Yes.
I feel sweeter, you know?
I feel a little-- - Oh, I like that.
Yeah.
In German, it's definitely more to the point.
- Did that makes sense? - Ya.
- Yeah, yeah. - All good.
Yeah.
And English is just-- it's the easiest language, I find.
What do you-- like, the easiest in general?
Easiest in terms of, like, it goes fast.
It goes-- it's funny. Like, it's short.
You know, you don't have to think about it.
There are many actors where they'll dub the language
or they'll change who the person--
you're one of the few where German-speaking people
love your movies in Germany.
And then French-speaking people love your movies in French.
It's rare to find that.
Now you're adding to your resume as well.
I mean, when they said Diane's coming on for a book,
I was like, what kind of book?
And they said, a children's book.
I couldn't imagine what it would be.
But it's really beautiful.
Thank you.
A Name from the Sky, tell me what inspired
the writing of the book.
So I was in Los Angeles just before the pandemic,
and I was working, right?
And my mom from Germany was there,
helping with my daughter, who was about one at the time.
And then the world shut down.
And weeks turned into months literally.
And I hadn't spent this much time with my mom
since I was 16.
And we started talking about my childhood and stories,
you know, I had forgotten.
And so-- and I remember that when I was a kid--
and I was kind of an odd kid--
that she changed my life by telling
me the meaning of my name, which
was quite unusual in Germany.
I know that sounds strange.
Diane-- it's not a uncommon name.
Yeah, you talk about that in the book, but Diane--
I didn't know-- is not common in Germany.
It's not common at all.
So do they say Diane, or do they say--
They say "Deanna," and it rhymes with banana,
like Deanna, banana.
TREVOR NOAH: Oh, wow.
So, yeah, I was--
TREVOR NOAH: Even in Germany, the kids are the same.
[laughter]
If not worse.
[laughs] Deanna de banana--
OK, I can see it.
But, look, so I started writing things down.
And I thought, well, if I felt odd with a name like Diane,
I'm sure there's lots of kids that feel odd about their name
or they feel that they don't fit in.
And so I started writing it down.
And I thought about my own daughter
and how long we thought about giving her name.
And that's kind of how it started.
TREVOR NOAH: It's a really wonderful book about belonging
about understanding where you come from, why you're
special, why you're important.
When you think of your life as a mom now,
what are some of the things you hope to instill in your child
that you wish every child should have?
I really, truly believe that every child that is born
is perfect as it is, right?
And we all have--
I can see it in my daughter and her friends.
They all have something special that is so powerful.
And they don't know it yet, right?
And when I became a mom, I felt the responsibility
and the opportunity to give her wings,
like, to curate her world--
TREVOR NOAH: I love that.
--so that she can be whoever she wants to be,
whether that's-- not everybody can be an actor--
whether she wants to sell ice cream
in Washington Square Park.
TREVOR NOAH: Right, right.
But whatever makes you you is great, right?
And so I didn't grow up like this.
But my mom changed my life when she
said, at 15, you can quit school
and go to Paris for a year.
TREVOR NOAH: Wow. - But she really did.
She trusted me, right?
She said, OK, I'm going to trust you.
Because I was going to get kicked out of school
for working as a model.
And my principal said--
TREVOR NOAH: Wait.
Your school was going to kick you out--
- Yeah. - --for working as a model.
Yeah, because I was getting jobs in Paris,
and I was missing school.
This is a German school, I'm assuming.
OK.
Yeah, that sounds like a very German thing.
Yeah.
They're just like, nein, kinder cannot be sexy.
Nein. OK.
Exactly.
And when I told my mom, I couldn't
believe it that she said to me, no, I'm going to trust you.
OK, I know this is what you want to do.
TREVOR NOAH: That is wild.
You should go.
TREVOR NOAH: And you've never looked back.
No, but it's truly the reason why I am who I am today.
The life that I've had is thanks to that.
And that's one of the reasons I wrote this book is because I
feel like we can make that happen for children,
and we should trust them.
I love that.
And how old is your daughter now?
She just turned four.
So she can read the book with you.
She must love it.
What does she think about the book that's
written and inspired by her?
You know, it's a little touchy, feely at first.
[laughter]
TREVOR NOAH: Wait, wait.
I mean, she totally called BS on me being a goddess, right?
It's just like, definitely you're not a goddess.
She was not pleased with my choice
of having red shoes on her dress
with a blue dress and red shoes.
That was a minor meltdown.
She hated her outfit in the book?
- Yes. - I like your daughter.
I like this already.
Yeah.
Now she's four.
It's getting a little better.
And when I told her, you know, I've been on this book tour,
and I said, I need to leave because I'm
talking about your book, honey, and she just started crying.
She said, please, don't sell my book.
It's my story.
I don't won't you to sell it.
So it's cute. - I love this.
Well, you know what?
It's a wonderful story.
I love seeing you express your life
in a completely different way.
Thank you so much for joining us.
Thank you so much.
Merci, gracias, danke schoen, siyabonga, [non-english]..
Thank you so much for being here.
Oh, no he's bragging. No, you were right.
Thank you so much for being on the show.
Really appreciate you.
A Name in the Sky is available now.
Make sure you get it for you and your kid.
Diane Kruger, everybody.
All right, we're going to take a quick break.
We'll be right back after this.
Thank you very much.
[cheering]
[applause]
Well, that's our show for tonight.
Thank you so much for tuning in.
But before we go, before we go, I
wanted to remind you that tomorrow is Vote Early Day.
So make your plan to vote early, at voteearly.org.
The midterm elections are approaching
and the stakes are higher than they've been for generations.
So please, make sure that your voice counts.
And by the way, we're going to be seeing you
next week in Atlanta, Georgia.
The Daily Show is going to be going there and doing
a whole week of shows from one of the biggest
battleground states there is.
Charlemagne tha God is coming up next.
But first, here it is, your moment of zen.
[applause]
How much do you think you can get
done if you've got the House and the Senate moving forward?
I think the first thing is, we're going
to stop all the bad stuff.