1
00:00:59,960 --> 00:01:02,000
Come on, Phyllis

2
00:01:09,313 --> 00:01:12,607
Where are we?
I thought you were taking me home?

3
00:01:14,143 --> 00:01:15,531
Evening. What can I do for you?

4
00:01:16,058 --> 00:01:18,376
We'd like a double room

5
00:01:18,705 --> 00:01:20,859
With shower and toilet?
- Yes

6
00:01:21,539 --> 00:01:23,651
Room 308.
- Thanks

7
00:01:24,000 --> 00:01:25,080
Come on
- But...

8
00:01:25,752 --> 00:01:27,411
Hello, Rebecca !

9
00:01:27,712 --> 00:01:29,186
Hi, Robinson

10
00:01:30,212 --> 00:01:33,185
Got a room?
Lover boy wants to show me his dick

11
00:01:34,159 --> 00:01:37,391
Excuse me for asking,
but is there a...

12
00:01:38,332 --> 00:01:41,474
Where in this hotel...

13
00:01:41,875 --> 00:01:45,392
is there a contraceptive dispenser?

14
00:01:45,606 --> 00:01:48,015
There are rubbers on every bedside table

15
00:01:48,192 --> 00:01:50,388
It's part of the service

16
00:01:51,119 --> 00:01:52,354
How thoughtful

17
00:01:54,731 --> 00:01:57,566
I'm sure you're wondering
what all this is about

18
00:01:58,024 --> 00:01:59,594
You see, my dear...

19
00:02:00,210 --> 00:02:04,297
I'm afraid I was lying this morning
when I said you'd passed your exams

20
00:02:05,503 --> 00:02:07,699
Lying?
- Yes, Phyllis

21
00:02:08,244 --> 00:02:10,287
You're 9 points short:

22
00:02:10,744 --> 00:02:13,817
4 in sociology and 5 in psychology

23
00:02:15,951 --> 00:02:19,626
- But that's terrible!
- No, it isn't

24
00:02:20,091 --> 00:02:23,156
You know why?
Because I'm your examiner

25
00:02:24,239 --> 00:02:26,642
You're a hard-working girl, Phyllis

26
00:02:27,171 --> 00:02:28,863
You deserve to graduate

27
00:02:30,138 --> 00:02:33,589
I'll just add 9 points to your grade.
Nobody will know.

28
00:02:34,540 --> 00:02:36,355
It'll be our little secret

29
00:02:37,163 --> 00:02:39,899
But you have to do something for me

30
00:02:41,257 --> 00:02:44,080
I'm crazy for you
- Vice-principal!

31
00:02:44,272 --> 00:02:47,921
I've worshipped you for years.
Please take your blouse off.

32
00:02:48,606 --> 00:02:52,382
You can't imagine
how long I've waited for this moment.

33
00:02:52,662 --> 00:02:55,213
The years of suffering...

34
00:02:55,808 --> 00:02:57,142
Don't touch me!

35
00:03:03,471 --> 00:03:04,600
Very well.

36
00:03:04,951 --> 00:03:07,116
I don't want to force you,

37
00:03:07,752 --> 00:03:12,105
but under the circumstances
I can't help you either.

38
00:03:12,506 --> 00:03:16,379
You're parents will be very disappointed.
But you wanted it that way.

39
00:03:22,125 --> 00:03:25,983
I see you're being sensible.
That's good, Phyllis.

40
00:03:27,905 --> 00:03:30,436
Don't cry. Please.

41
00:03:31,547 --> 00:03:35,641
Hey, did you know
that hotels give out free condoms?

42
00:03:36,860 --> 00:03:37,860
What?

43
00:03:37,861 --> 00:03:40,835
This safer sex campaign
must be costing the government billions

44
00:03:45,143 --> 00:03:47,705
There...
Now just lie down and relax.

45
00:03:50,280 --> 00:03:51,280
But...

46
00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:53,000
What... ?

47
00:04:09,740 --> 00:04:16,000
The Killer Condom

48
00:04:38,874 --> 00:04:41,603
This is a non-smoking elevator, you jerk!

49
00:04:43,551 --> 00:04:45,061
Stinks like an ashtray

50
00:04:56,709 --> 00:04:57,990
Morning, Detective!

51
00:05:00,360 --> 00:05:05,312
Hey, Macaroni! Some pimp over on 42nd Street
put his mother in a clothes dryer

52
00:05:05,478 --> 00:05:08,196
and threw it out the window.
You want the case?

53
00:05:08,408 --> 00:05:10,722
Give him a bottle of aspirin
and a coffee first.

54
00:05:12,460 --> 00:05:15,998
That isn't my department.
You think I'm a fireman or something?

55
00:05:16,547 --> 00:05:18,331
Damn right! Precisely!

56
00:05:19,590 --> 00:05:22,800
Well, well, well.
If it isn't Mr Macaroni!

57
00:05:23,183 --> 00:05:25,619
Morning, Captain
- Don't change the subject!

58
00:05:26,364 --> 00:05:29,551
If I send for you,
you're to move your ass getting here.

59
00:05:29,805 --> 00:05:30,821
Is that clear?

60
00:05:31,098 --> 00:05:32,448
It's my day off, sir.

61
00:05:35,297 --> 00:05:36,270
See them?

62
00:05:37,070 --> 00:05:40,884
I thought I'd seen everything
but this takes the cake!

63
00:05:41,773 --> 00:05:44,638
- Any motive?
- No. One had a little coke,

64
00:05:44,809 --> 00:05:47,100
one stinks of advocaat. Nothing major

65
00:05:47,260 --> 00:05:50,129
Fact is, they bit off their clients...

66
00:05:51,484 --> 00:05:53,166
... genitalia

67
00:05:53,565 --> 00:05:57,044
There's a line of four pricks down the lab

68
00:05:57,221 --> 00:05:59,010
but these girls are playing dumb.

69
00:05:59,311 --> 00:06:02,574
- You said four pricks?
- There's a fourth girl

70
00:06:02,796 --> 00:06:06,474
She's no whore, mind.
A clean kid from Oklahoma.

71
00:06:07,608 --> 00:06:10,275
There was... all that blood...

72
00:06:10,720 --> 00:06:14,080
and the p... p... penis...

73
00:06:14,180 --> 00:06:17,080
jumped on the floor...
and ran under the bed.

74
00:06:17,120 --> 00:06:18,829
It's your case, Macaroni.

75
00:06:19,004 --> 00:06:22,791
I want a report on my desk
by this evening, OK?

76
00:06:23,977 --> 00:06:26,194
Is sex always like that?

77
00:06:32,583 --> 00:06:35,411
Look, we've been waiting
for over half an hour.

78
00:06:36,040 --> 00:06:38,073
Why are you holding our daughter?

79
00:06:38,410 --> 00:06:40,993
We're not really sure what happened.

80
00:06:41,512 --> 00:06:42,620
Oh my god...

81
00:06:43,201 --> 00:06:46,742
Is she hurt?
- Don't worry. Phyllis is OK.

82
00:06:47,444 --> 00:06:50,901
It's just that the whole thing
is a little delicate. You see...

83
00:06:51,062 --> 00:06:53,754
Get to the point!
What happened to her?

84
00:06:54,173 --> 00:06:57,102
I don't want to worry you but...
- Listen, Detective:

85
00:06:57,698 --> 00:07:02,392
We didn't fly in from Farmville Oklahoma
to listen to your lame excuses.

86
00:07:02,678 --> 00:07:06,480
Either tell us what happened to her
or let me speak to your superior!

87
00:07:08,048 --> 00:07:11,415
In a sleazy hotel
in one of the worst areas of New York,

88
00:07:11,575 --> 00:07:14,361
your daughter bit off
her college professor's penis.

89
00:07:16,949 --> 00:07:18,016
Cigarette?

90
00:07:22,951 --> 00:07:24,201
What was that?

91
00:07:25,093 --> 00:07:27,360
It's a clear-cut case:

92
00:07:28,004 --> 00:07:31,560
When we broke the door down to get in,
Phyllis was on the bed screaming.

93
00:07:32,184 --> 00:07:34,416
A man was found unconscious on the floor.

94
00:07:34,710 --> 00:07:37,640
His penis was found under the bed.

95
00:07:42,155 --> 00:07:44,413
There must be some mistake.

96
00:07:45,335 --> 00:07:48,256
That isn't possible...
Detective!

97
00:07:49,280 --> 00:07:53,610
It might interest you to know
that this isn't anything unusual.

98
00:07:55,825 --> 00:07:59,213
Four penises bit the dust
in that hotel last night.

99
00:07:59,396 --> 00:08:03,233
And a guy out on 42nd Street
put his mother-in-law in a clothes dryer

100
00:08:03,407 --> 00:08:05,109
and threw it out the window.

101
00:08:05,906 --> 00:08:08,160
This is New York, sir.

102
00:08:10,114 --> 00:08:12,950
Things are a little different
than in Farmville Oklahoma.

103
00:08:13,751 --> 00:08:17,676
Take Phyllis home with you.
She'll only pick up bad habits here.

104
00:08:17,836 --> 00:08:21,298
You know what kids are like.
They have to try everything.

105
00:08:51,417 --> 00:08:53,658
What is it people like about this city?

106
00:08:54,030 --> 00:08:58,715
I mean, some people go starry-eyed
just at the mention of "New York".

107
00:08:59,026 --> 00:09:02,495
New York: The city of cities,
the ultimate metropolis.

108
00:09:02,917 --> 00:09:05,840
Then they'll tell you
about shitty museums and restaurants.

109
00:09:07,085 --> 00:09:11,553
I spent my childhood in Sicily
on my family's run-down plot of land.

110
00:09:11,980 --> 00:09:14,846
It was quiet and peaceful
and the wind blew through the trees.

111
00:09:15,460 --> 00:09:19,209
I often think about those days
when I'm stuck in traffic in New York,

112
00:09:19,392 --> 00:09:21,985
caught between the pedestrians,
the fumes and the busy streets.

113
00:09:22,747 --> 00:09:26,269
The streets are a stinking cesspool,
a playground for perverts.

114
00:09:26,498 --> 00:09:30,942
Even good girls from Oklahoma
end up biting off some guy's dick.

115
00:09:31,800 --> 00:09:34,370
As a cop, you lose touch with reality.

116
00:09:34,553 --> 00:09:36,788
You see nothing but filth and scum.

117
00:09:37,519 --> 00:09:40,286
There may well be
good things in this city,

118
00:09:40,854 --> 00:09:44,209
but it's my job
to rummage deep down in the dirt.

119
00:10:39,593 --> 00:10:41,834
- Hi, Luigi.
- Hi, Robinson.

120
00:10:42,046 --> 00:10:43,800
Where did it happen?

121
00:10:44,110 --> 00:10:47,500
Room 308. What's with these whores,

122
00:10:47,705 --> 00:10:51,458
biting their Johns' dicks off?
They live off those dicks.

123
00:10:51,622 --> 00:10:53,477
OK. Give me the key to 308.

124
00:10:54,006 --> 00:10:55,800
You'll find nothing but blood.

125
00:10:55,963 --> 00:10:58,474
There's blood everywhere.
It's going to cost me a fortune.

126
00:10:58,816 --> 00:11:00,470
There's a trail of blood

127
00:11:00,990 --> 00:11:05,759
from the bed to the bathroom,
and there's gobs of it up the wall!

128
00:11:06,118 --> 00:11:07,965
I can't leave it like that, can I?

129
00:11:08,686 --> 00:11:11,370
I've seen a lot of things in my time,

130
00:11:11,690 --> 00:11:14,416
but this really beats everything!

131
00:11:24,429 --> 00:11:25,801
You've still got one, haven't you?

132
00:11:35,542 --> 00:11:37,696
I'll send the D. A. the bill.
What d'you think?

133
00:11:39,071 --> 00:11:41,182
Who's the boy?
- What boy?

134
00:11:43,070 --> 00:11:46,440
That's Billy.
Quite a good earner, that boy.

135
00:11:46,855 --> 00:11:49,312
Brings in a lot of customers.

136
00:11:49,691 --> 00:11:51,819
By the way,
have you found the prick yet?

137
00:11:52,098 --> 00:11:55,273
I looked everywhere:
Under the cupboards, behind the toilet.

138
00:11:55,643 --> 00:11:58,934
Quit yacking, Robinson. Give me the key.

139
00:12:00,170 --> 00:12:02,120
What do you want in there, Luigi?

140
00:12:02,363 --> 00:12:03,705
I already told you...

141
00:12:04,010 --> 00:12:07,167
Did you know
the little dick-chomper was under age?

142
00:12:10,592 --> 00:12:14,159
If she hadn't bitten down so hard
I'd have thought she had baby teeth.

143
00:12:26,543 --> 00:12:27,549
Loogi!

144
00:12:28,935 --> 00:12:31,436
Hi, Bob! What are you doing here?

145
00:12:32,300 --> 00:12:33,193
I'm singing.

146
00:12:33,862 --> 00:12:36,090
And I'm not Bob anymore.
My name's Babette now.

147
00:12:36,888 --> 00:12:41,646
This isn't exactly Broadway, but I heard
that a famous producer screws here

148
00:12:42,432 --> 00:12:47,029
He'll discover me, take me to Hollywood
and I'll end up bathing in champagne.

149
00:12:47,901 --> 00:12:50,058
- Good luck.
- Loogi!

150
00:12:50,910 --> 00:12:53,152
Don't call me Loogi. It's Luigi!

151
00:12:54,864 --> 00:12:58,008
- Loogi doesn't exist anymore.
- I always call you Loogi!

152
00:12:59,166 --> 00:13:01,742
In our night, it drove you wild.

153
00:13:02,067 --> 00:13:03,782
But you want to forget all that.

154
00:13:04,392 --> 00:13:07,091
Exactly. And so should you, Bob.

155
00:13:07,812 --> 00:13:09,184
Don't even think about it.

156
00:13:09,672 --> 00:13:12,386
But I do! Loogi, we've got to talk!

157
00:13:14,081 --> 00:13:16,398
I didn't know
we had anything to talk about.

158
00:13:17,020 --> 00:13:18,499
I'm in therapy.

159
00:13:19,940 --> 00:13:21,205
Good. And I'm on duty.

160
00:13:22,363 --> 00:13:24,329
Is that all you have to say?

161
00:13:25,412 --> 00:13:27,691
Look at me, Loogi.
You made me what I am.

162
00:13:28,347 --> 00:13:31,027
My therapist says you need me.

163
00:13:31,260 --> 00:13:34,752
That you love me, but you're too proud
to show me your real feelings.

164
00:13:35,417 --> 00:13:38,207
He says I remind you of your mother

165
00:13:38,467 --> 00:13:41,737
and that you are plagued by the thought
of having slept with your mother.

166
00:13:42,190 --> 00:13:43,392
But Loogi...

167
00:13:43,927 --> 00:13:46,002
I'm not your mother!

168
00:13:46,187 --> 00:13:47,940
- Really?
- I'm your boyfriend,

169
00:13:48,155 --> 00:13:50,934
your girlfriend, even your mother, if you want.

170
00:13:51,245 --> 00:13:54,047
Many men have sexual fantasies
about their mother.

171
00:13:54,250 --> 00:13:56,802
That's Psychology 101

172
00:13:57,228 --> 00:14:01,399
- What sort of a therapist is he?
- Remember how wonderful it all was...

173
00:14:01,574 --> 00:14:06,080
What are you talking about, Bob?
- You showed me what sex really means.

174
00:14:08,442 --> 00:14:12,376
It was euphoria, ecstasy, passion,
lust, pain and happiness!

175
00:14:13,085 --> 00:14:14,320
It was the meaning of life!

176
00:14:16,338 --> 00:14:19,585
It lasted 3 minutes maximum.
I fell asleep halfway through.

177
00:14:19,746 --> 00:14:20,999
I was wrong, Bob.

178
00:14:21,759 --> 00:14:24,199
I'm not Bob anymore. My name's Babette.

179
00:14:25,812 --> 00:14:26,729
And I love you.

180
00:14:27,083 --> 00:14:27,906
Listen, Bob...

181
00:14:28,087 --> 00:14:28,932
Babette!

182
00:14:29,294 --> 00:14:30,560
OK, Babette.

183
00:14:31,631 --> 00:14:33,650
Whatever happened that night,

184
00:14:33,844 --> 00:14:36,435
I can't remember it,
and I didn't want it to happen.

185
00:14:36,954 --> 00:14:39,546
You should just forget me
and try to get your act together.

186
00:14:42,252 --> 00:14:43,643
You're not a transvestite...

187
00:14:44,464 --> 00:14:46,482
I look like you mother and you love me.

188
00:14:46,674 --> 00:14:48,705
My therapist told me that and it's true!

189
00:14:51,671 --> 00:14:53,562
I've got work to do, Bob. See you.

190
00:14:57,002 --> 00:14:58,739
Loogi! Who is that?

191
00:14:59,997 --> 00:15:01,263
Leave me alone.

192
00:15:01,657 --> 00:15:03,898
Are you having an affair with him?

193
00:15:04,218 --> 00:15:07,424
- I pity you.
- Oh, yeah? Well I pity you!

194
00:15:07,586 --> 00:15:09,952
You're just afraid of your feelings!

195
00:15:10,112 --> 00:15:12,195
Stronger personalities intimidate you!

196
00:15:12,355 --> 00:15:14,786
You're nothing
but a little Sicilian faggot!

197
00:15:15,706 --> 00:15:18,060
if you call me a faggot again,

198
00:15:18,238 --> 00:15:22,510
I'll squeeze the artificial hormones
out of these pathetic tits, got it?

199
00:15:23,568 --> 00:15:24,956
Go on, hit me!

200
00:15:31,712 --> 00:15:33,603
I know you love me.

201
00:15:33,980 --> 00:15:35,281
Who was that?

202
00:15:35,773 --> 00:15:37,701
My mother. Didn't you hear?

203
00:15:38,037 --> 00:15:40,370
Are you a cop or something?

204
00:15:41,448 --> 00:15:42,607
Why?

205
00:15:43,568 --> 00:15:45,055
Don't you screw cops?

206
00:15:45,218 --> 00:15:47,929
Don't know. Never been asked before.

207
00:15:48,894 --> 00:15:50,800
So are you a cop or not?

208
00:15:53,574 --> 00:15:57,405
I have a dick like a cop,
I screw like a cop, maybe I am a cop.

209
00:15:57,574 --> 00:16:01,238
Imagine I'm an insurance salesman
if it turns you on.

210
00:16:44,771 --> 00:16:45,807
That's...

211
00:16:47,282 --> 00:16:48,120
That's...

212
00:16:48,291 --> 00:16:50,288
Exactly 32 centimetres.

213
00:16:53,840 --> 00:16:54,884
Hey, can we get started?

214
00:16:55,744 --> 00:16:57,879
- That's a real turn-on.
- What?

215
00:16:58,611 --> 00:17:00,440
Getting laid by a cop.

216
00:17:28,327 --> 00:17:29,875
That rubber moved.

217
00:17:30,820 --> 00:17:33,240
- I swear it did!
- Bullshit!

218
00:17:33,583 --> 00:17:34,533
Wait,

219
00:17:35,033 --> 00:17:36,190
I've got some myself.

220
00:17:36,548 --> 00:17:37,782
Black ones are sexier anyway.

221
00:17:38,206 --> 00:17:40,966
Does it matter?
You can't feel the difference.

222
00:17:41,403 --> 00:17:42,875
I just don't trust these hotel ones.

223
00:17:51,709 --> 00:17:53,554
What was that?
- Some kind of bug.

224
00:17:53,714 --> 00:17:55,085
- Really?
- Yes.

225
00:17:55,245 --> 00:17:59,172
A bug? That was the rubber.
It hissed at us and ran away.

226
00:17:59,332 --> 00:18:02,078
- You saw it too!
- I didn't.

227
00:18:02,238 --> 00:18:05,766
- I'm not stupid. It was the rubber.
- Give me my lighter, will you?

228
00:18:05,937 --> 00:18:08,506
- Where is it?
- In my pants: right pocket.

229
00:18:13,331 --> 00:18:14,596
- Here.
- Thanks.

230
00:18:45,437 --> 00:18:46,411
Hi Luigi.

231
00:18:47,538 --> 00:18:48,449
Hi, Sam.

232
00:18:52,339 --> 00:18:53,869
How's it hanging?

233
00:18:54,550 --> 00:18:55,663
Crookedly.

234
00:18:58,059 --> 00:18:59,929
The beast bit off my right ball.

235
00:19:00,850 --> 00:19:02,662
What? That gay guy?

236
00:19:02,905 --> 00:19:05,591
No!
It was a condom, Sam.

237
00:19:06,306 --> 00:19:09,789
There is a prick-eating rubber
up there in that hotel room.

238
00:19:10,224 --> 00:19:11,024
Really?

239
00:19:11,725 --> 00:19:15,782
Well it looks like one anyway.
The moment you roll it on, it bites you.

240
00:19:20,301 --> 00:19:23,914
OK, Luigi.
I'll tell you what I think:

241
00:19:25,121 --> 00:19:28,080
You've got involved with a drug-crazed
criminal call-boy again

242
00:19:28,786 --> 00:19:31,515
who took a good bite in his frenzy.

243
00:19:31,698 --> 00:19:34,599
Or else it was
some sick sado-masochistic game.

244
00:19:35,082 --> 00:19:37,517
- Something like that.
- No!

245
00:19:37,800 --> 00:19:38,418
No?

246
00:19:38,419 --> 00:19:42,154
Robinson saw him running half-naked
out the elevator into the street.

247
00:19:42,401 --> 00:19:43,416
He panicked.

248
00:19:43,717 --> 00:19:45,756
Have you ever seen a carnivorous condom?

249
00:19:46,210 --> 00:19:47,829
It was hell Sam. You'd have run too.

250
00:19:48,500 --> 00:19:52,000
OK, Luigi.

251
00:19:54,392 --> 00:19:56,572
Oh, sorry. I just wanted to...

252
00:19:57,348 --> 00:20:00,245
Detective Macaroni,
smoking is not permitted in here.

253
00:20:00,572 --> 00:20:04,278
If you do not put it out immediately,
I shall get very unpleasant.

254
00:20:05,915 --> 00:20:08,721
And that's a pill-box, not an ashtray.

255
00:20:09,552 --> 00:20:12,817
Take the blue ones this evening
and the red ones in the morning.

256
00:20:14,012 --> 00:20:16,702
You've passed water.
That's a good sign.

257
00:20:17,137 --> 00:20:20,522
It means you're over the worst.
- Thanks, Dr Riffleson.

258
00:20:21,347 --> 00:20:23,070
That's what I'm here for.

259
00:20:28,342 --> 00:20:30,909
No, I won't!
And definitely not without a rubber.

260
00:20:31,780 --> 00:20:34,357
You're so drunk
you won't get a boner anyway.

261
00:20:35,077 --> 00:20:37,000
Oh yeah? I always get a hard-on.

262
00:20:38,343 --> 00:20:42,280
Are you serious? D'you really think
I'm going to touch your filthy cock?

263
00:21:11,566 --> 00:21:13,118
13 pricks, Sam!

264
00:21:13,568 --> 00:21:17,493
When I was in hospital,
13 guys lost their pricks in that hotel.

265
00:21:17,681 --> 00:21:21,989
- What d'you think is going on?
- How do I know? Could be anything.

266
00:21:22,173 --> 00:21:25,649
We've searched the entire hotel.
There's nothing there!

267
00:21:26,014 --> 00:21:29,756
It's a condom, Sam.
I'm telling you it's a goddamn condom!

268
00:21:29,921 --> 00:21:32,315
The place is full of them!

269
00:21:32,542 --> 00:21:36,020
I refuse to talk
about man-eating rubbers.

270
00:21:36,188 --> 00:21:40,179
We have to talk about it, Sam!
I saw it!

271
00:21:40,342 --> 00:21:43,273
It's because of that condom
that I'm missing my right nut!

272
00:21:43,434 --> 00:21:45,269
And I was damn lucky too!

273
00:21:50,490 --> 00:21:53,037
There's no such thing as killer condoms.

274
00:21:53,591 --> 00:21:54,612
Really?

275
00:21:55,078 --> 00:21:56,283
Then look at this.

276
00:21:59,305 --> 00:22:00,555
What are you doing?

277
00:22:00,841 --> 00:22:02,104
Look at it, Sam.

278
00:22:03,763 --> 00:22:06,315
I've had a hard day, Macaroni.

279
00:22:06,477 --> 00:22:09,281
Spare me the sight of your genitalia.

280
00:22:09,621 --> 00:22:12,080
What do you think did this? A dust mite?

281
00:22:12,881 --> 00:22:14,219
That boy...

282
00:22:14,921 --> 00:22:16,096
It wasn't him!

283
00:22:16,599 --> 00:22:19,240
It was the condom, Sam!
The condom!

284
00:22:19,844 --> 00:22:21,662
It's got 13 pricks on its conscience.

285
00:22:21,915 --> 00:22:24,751
13 pricks and one ball.

286
00:22:37,853 --> 00:22:39,896
What do you think I should be doing?

287
00:22:40,437 --> 00:22:43,014
Sending officers out to frisk condoms?

288
00:22:43,349 --> 00:22:45,024
I can see the headlines now:

289
00:22:45,247 --> 00:22:48,682
"Police Hunt for Crazed Contraceptive. "

290
00:22:48,864 --> 00:22:52,234
That's OK, Sam. You keep on doing
what you always do: nothing!

291
00:22:53,074 --> 00:22:55,514
I'll just have to
deal with this psycho myself.

292
00:22:56,652 --> 00:22:57,923
That's not bad:

293
00:22:58,474 --> 00:23:01,158
"One on One: Cop vs. Condom. "

294
00:23:05,166 --> 00:23:09,421
If someone had told me
about biting rubbers 3 weeks ago,

295
00:23:09,595 --> 00:23:13,758
I'd have said he was nuts.
Now I have no problem with the idea.

296
00:23:14,451 --> 00:23:17,943
We are constantly being confronted
by new concepts:

297
00:23:18,128 --> 00:23:19,471
"Internet", "cyberspace",

298
00:23:20,131 --> 00:23:23,379
"BSE", "high-risk groups", "Take That".

299
00:23:23,759 --> 00:23:26,335
Why not "killer condom"?

300
00:23:27,499 --> 00:23:30,884
I order them
from a wholesaler in Queens.

301
00:23:32,073 --> 00:23:34,055
Why? Is there something wrong with them?

302
00:23:35,626 --> 00:23:38,277
These rubbers
aren't wrapped individually.

303
00:23:38,546 --> 00:23:40,400
That's why they're so cheap!

304
00:23:41,114 --> 00:23:44,280
Did all the incidents
happen in the same room?

305
00:23:44,547 --> 00:23:46,427
It began in 308.

306
00:23:46,792 --> 00:23:49,296
But after the sixth guy lost his pecker

307
00:23:49,460 --> 00:23:51,959
I stopped giving the key out.

308
00:23:52,200 --> 00:23:53,616
And it moved to 309!

309
00:23:54,257 --> 00:23:56,890
That boy I was with...

310
00:23:57,050 --> 00:24:00,071
- The one who bit your ball off?
- He didn't!

311
00:24:00,232 --> 00:24:02,421
- But the cops said...
- Bullshit!

312
00:24:03,045 --> 00:24:04,202
Have you seen him again?

313
00:24:04,454 --> 00:24:05,773
He hasn't come back.

314
00:24:06,992 --> 00:24:08,761
Loogi! You're out of the hospital!

315
00:24:10,078 --> 00:24:11,243
Looks like it.

316
00:24:11,845 --> 00:24:13,632
I was so worried about you

317
00:24:14,376 --> 00:24:16,430
- Please, Bob...
- It's Babette!

318
00:24:17,010 --> 00:24:20,524
What did that little bastard do to you?
Is your dick OK?

319
00:24:21,861 --> 00:24:22,959
It's gone.

320
00:24:25,842 --> 00:24:27,090
Oh my God. I'm so sorry.

321
00:24:27,510 --> 00:24:29,993
That's OK.
There's more important things than sex.

322
00:24:30,251 --> 00:24:32,040
Sam said it was one ball...

323
00:24:32,801 --> 00:24:36,011
It bit the dick too.
Now it's in some hospital trash can.

324
00:24:36,638 --> 00:24:37,812
That's terrible...

325
00:24:38,437 --> 00:24:39,505
I feel so sorry for you...

326
00:24:40,441 --> 00:24:43,308
It must have been horrible...

327
00:24:45,851 --> 00:24:48,115
You're lying. What's that in your pants?

328
00:24:49,446 --> 00:24:50,635
The bandage.

329
00:24:52,625 --> 00:24:55,554
Very funny!
But you won't get rid of me that easily.

330
00:24:56,603 --> 00:24:57,580
See you, Bob.

331
00:24:58,102 --> 00:24:59,851
It's Babette. Babette!

332
00:25:18,442 --> 00:25:21,400
For a moment
I thought about going to see Billy.

333
00:25:21,583 --> 00:25:23,401
I couldn't get him out of my head,

334
00:25:23,571 --> 00:25:26,677
Even though I'm not sentimental.

335
00:25:27,706 --> 00:25:30,265
I don't kid myself about love anymore.

336
00:25:30,471 --> 00:25:33,793
I mean, what is love?
It all boils down to sex anyway.

337
00:25:34,901 --> 00:25:35,755
It's not about me,

338
00:25:36,517 --> 00:25:39,140
but this enormous thing between my legs.

339
00:25:39,613 --> 00:25:40,680
Still,

340
00:25:41,267 --> 00:25:43,158
I sometimes long for something else.

341
00:25:43,638 --> 00:25:44,904
A little warmth.

342
00:25:45,413 --> 00:25:48,135
Someone who's there when you come home.

343
00:25:53,878 --> 00:25:55,160
Am I disturbing you?
-What?

344
00:25:57,225 --> 00:25:58,674
No, I...

345
00:25:59,893 --> 00:26:01,387
I'm a little...

346
00:26:01,764 --> 00:26:04,737
- I can go if you like.
- No, it's OK. Come in.

347
00:26:14,272 --> 00:26:16,056
So why are you here?

348
00:26:18,038 --> 00:26:20,592
If we... I mean...

349
00:26:21,015 --> 00:26:24,678
If it hadn't been for that condom...

350
00:26:24,988 --> 00:26:26,910
and we'd... well, you know...
- What then?

351
00:26:27,094 --> 00:26:29,397
- I wouldn't have charged you.
- Oh yeah?

352
00:26:29,683 --> 00:26:31,256
I don't charge if I enjoy it.

353
00:26:32,706 --> 00:26:36,263
It's your job. You live off that shit.
I'd have given you a few dollars for it.

354
00:26:37,596 --> 00:26:39,110
If you want...

355
00:26:39,794 --> 00:26:41,349
I'd like to see you again sometime.

356
00:26:43,888 --> 00:26:44,803
Well...

357
00:26:46,154 --> 00:26:47,920
My nut needs R&R at the moment.

358
00:26:48,286 --> 00:26:50,875
I don't mean sex. We could...
- Do what?

359
00:26:51,757 --> 00:26:53,681
Go dancing? Hold hands?

360
00:26:54,005 --> 00:26:56,808
Exchange perfumed love letters?
- Well...

361
00:26:56,970 --> 00:26:57,832
Listen, kid:

362
00:26:58,237 --> 00:27:00,683
I'm too old for this sort of thing.

363
00:27:01,186 --> 00:27:03,333
I've given up on great love stories.

364
00:27:03,660 --> 00:27:06,206
- But I only wanted to...
- Precisely!

365
00:27:07,307 --> 00:27:08,786
You're hot stuff, Billy.

366
00:27:09,670 --> 00:27:11,851
But I'm tired of burning my fingers.

367
00:27:12,883 --> 00:27:15,220
We can have another go when I'm better.

368
00:27:15,427 --> 00:27:16,728
But that's all, OK?

369
00:27:19,364 --> 00:27:20,401
OK...

370
00:27:21,019 --> 00:27:22,330
I'm out of here.

371
00:27:27,125 --> 00:27:28,506
You're pretty cool, aren't you?

372
00:27:29,731 --> 00:27:31,515
I've been through too much shit.

373
00:27:32,689 --> 00:27:33,833
I'm sorry.

374
00:27:34,702 --> 00:27:35,861
Now go.

375
00:28:09,243 --> 00:28:13,304
How d'you like that, you filthy queen?
- Not bad. I've had better.

376
00:28:13,871 --> 00:28:16,756
I don't want to watch
two psychos getting it off.

377
00:28:18,125 --> 00:28:21,774
What's the point?
- Shut up, I’m trying to concentrate.

378
00:28:22,244 --> 00:28:26,329
I want to hit you. How much is that?
- A dollar per slap with the hand,

379
00:28:26,803 --> 00:28:30,447
2 dollars with a belt or whip,
and it's cheaper by the dozen.

380
00:28:30,625 --> 00:28:31,434
Damn!

381
00:28:32,379 --> 00:28:34,436
That's Bob!
- That's Babette.

382
00:28:35,764 --> 00:28:36,680
Babette?

383
00:28:37,108 --> 00:28:39,291
Do you see that? It's Bob!

384
00:28:39,985 --> 00:28:41,527
What's he doing?

385
00:28:42,049 --> 00:28:45,000
That's disgusting!
I don't believe it!

386
00:28:45,326 --> 00:28:47,599
This guy used to be a cop, and now...

387
00:28:48,029 --> 00:28:51,342
That's gross!
- The rubber moved.

388
00:28:52,151 --> 00:28:55,845
- Is that all you can say?
That's Bob in there!

389
00:28:56,005 --> 00:28:59,423
Pull yourself together, Sam!
Yes, it's Bob alright. But so what?

390
00:29:00,060 --> 00:29:03,785
I bet that condom on the bedside table
is about to show us it's teeth!

391
00:29:05,877 --> 00:29:07,889
How do you like that, slut?

392
00:29:08,464 --> 00:29:11,546
Let me down.
I can't put the rubber on from up here.

393
00:29:11,881 --> 00:29:14,646
I'm a pig! A filthy piece of shit!

394
00:29:15,032 --> 00:29:16,187
OK, forget it.

395
00:29:17,602 --> 00:29:19,770
You chase rubbers.

396
00:29:19,956 --> 00:29:22,519
I'm going to solve this my way:
In the office.

397
00:29:27,578 --> 00:29:30,555
Hey!
I just got a new delivery of rubbers.

398
00:29:30,732 --> 00:29:33,602
You want to check them?
- Shut up!

399
00:29:38,392 --> 00:29:39,156
Bye.

400
00:29:39,344 --> 00:29:41,676
I'm a lowdown little faggot!

401
00:29:42,257 --> 00:29:43,627
Say I'm a lowdown little faggot!

402
00:29:45,435 --> 00:29:49,375
- I'm a lowdown little faggot.
- Not you, me! I'm the lowdown little faggot!

403
00:29:49,537 --> 00:29:50,689
Say it!

404
00:29:51,505 --> 00:29:52,644
You're a lowdown...

405
00:29:52,809 --> 00:29:54,446
Now get on with it!

406
00:29:55,522 --> 00:29:57,870
I'm a pig! I'm a pile of shit!

407
00:29:58,557 --> 00:30:00,822
I'm a filthy pig!

408
00:30:02,671 --> 00:30:03,611
Take it off!

409
00:30:03,771 --> 00:30:06,820
- What?
- Take the rubber off your knob! Quickly!

410
00:30:06,987 --> 00:30:08,408
- Don't shoot.
- Shut up!

411
00:30:15,514 --> 00:30:17,416
Good, now drop it. C'mon!

412
00:30:30,411 --> 00:30:32,370
Shit.
Must've been a normal condom.

413
00:30:33,153 --> 00:30:35,216
Sorry to disturb you.

414
00:30:35,683 --> 00:30:37,076
Do carry on.

415
00:30:38,289 --> 00:30:40,692
And don't use that one.
There's a hole in it.

416
00:30:41,570 --> 00:30:45,290
Are you nuts?
Are you completely out of your mind?

417
00:30:45,450 --> 00:30:47,472
I'm doing my job!
- I'm a filthy pig...

418
00:30:47,632 --> 00:30:49,305
- A dirty pig.
- Shut up!

419
00:31:20,236 --> 00:31:21,385
Where is it?

420
00:31:32,141 --> 00:31:33,279
Out of the way!

421
00:31:45,501 --> 00:31:46,848
That's a cock!

422
00:31:54,718 --> 00:31:55,845
Congratulations!

423
00:31:56,171 --> 00:31:59,045
Great job!
I'm dead impressed with your work!

424
00:31:59,416 --> 00:32:02,255
Maybe they got the story
from Robinson or some whore.

425
00:32:02,664 --> 00:32:06,781
I know who tipped the press off:
A former policeman called Bob Miller.

426
00:32:07,045 --> 00:32:09,519
who works in that brothel

427
00:32:09,760 --> 00:32:13,040
as a bar slut and curbside hooker!
- I've seen it, sir.

428
00:32:13,298 --> 00:32:17,000
It's some kinda goddamn animal.
We should take the hotel apart.

429
00:32:17,323 --> 00:32:19,035
I didn't hear that!

430
00:32:19,454 --> 00:32:22,552
I think we've made
big enough fools of ourselves as it is

431
00:32:22,886 --> 00:32:25,131
Dick McGouvern's visiting us tomorrow.

432
00:32:25,315 --> 00:32:27,880
I don't want him to see a police force,

433
00:32:28,325 --> 00:32:30,960
that nobody takes seriously anymore

434
00:32:31,133 --> 00:32:33,598
because it's looking for a killer condom!

435
00:32:34,605 --> 00:32:37,680
Then give me permission
to investigate on my own, sir.

436
00:32:37,962 --> 00:32:39,555
No, Macaroni.

437
00:32:39,756 --> 00:32:42,714
Forget it!
You're to keep your hands off it!

438
00:32:43,194 --> 00:32:45,160
- I can't.
- What?

439
00:32:45,863 --> 00:32:48,790
I come from an ancient Sicilian family.

440
00:32:50,501 --> 00:32:53,894
Nobody bites off a Macaroni's jewels
and gets away with it.

441
00:32:54,287 --> 00:32:55,881
Nothing and nobody.

442
00:32:56,226 --> 00:32:57,941
I'm warning you, Macaroni:

443
00:32:58,112 --> 00:33:01,360
If you chase rubbers in that hotel
one more time

444
00:33:01,934 --> 00:33:03,879
I'm taking your badge away.

445
00:33:04,050 --> 00:33:05,030
Is that clear?

446
00:33:09,973 --> 00:33:12,434
If this costs me my promotion,

447
00:33:12,594 --> 00:33:15,068
you won't need a killer condom
to get castrated!

448
00:33:24,296 --> 00:33:25,612
What’s  that?

449
00:33:31,452 --> 00:33:32,722
I'm talking to you.

450
00:33:35,439 --> 00:33:37,138
What does this mean?

451
00:33:38,065 --> 00:33:40,240
I've issued an arrest warrant.

452
00:33:40,562 --> 00:33:42,666
He chewed your plums.

453
00:33:42,837 --> 00:33:45,787
Who knows what he'll do
to his next client.

454
00:33:46,185 --> 00:33:48,759
Are you all deaf or something?

455
00:33:49,983 --> 00:33:51,680
Billy's clean!

456
00:33:52,162 --> 00:33:54,247
And you can let the hookers go too.

457
00:33:54,477 --> 00:33:57,496
That damn condom
is out there somewhere,

458
00:33:58,089 --> 00:34:02,032
and if someone doesn't do something
we'll have more pricks on our hands!

459
00:34:09,260 --> 00:34:10,360
OK, OK...

460
00:34:11,110 --> 00:34:12,000
I'll...

461
00:34:13,000 --> 00:34:14,400
Fine...

462
00:34:14,960 --> 00:34:15,440
I'll...

463
00:34:22,985 --> 00:34:25,281
Maybe they were right.

464
00:34:25,523 --> 00:34:27,608
Maybe I do need a vacation.

465
00:34:29,632 --> 00:34:33,183
So what if this thing strikes again.
It's not my problem.

466
00:34:36,077 --> 00:34:38,618
And Billy? What do I want with a call-boy?

467
00:34:39,132 --> 00:34:42,065
A guy who bares his ass to anyone
for a few bucks?

468
00:34:48,503 --> 00:34:51,007
- What's going on here?
- Hello, detective.

469
00:34:51,361 --> 00:34:52,160
Well?

470
00:34:52,320 --> 00:34:54,697
- We're looking for the boy.
- But he isn't here.

471
00:34:55,319 --> 00:34:57,471
Seems to have left in a hurry.

472
00:34:57,812 --> 00:34:59,254
Did Sam Hanks order this search?

473
00:35:00,085 --> 00:35:00,912
Yeah.

474
00:35:01,111 --> 00:35:04,729
Sir, he said we should find that hustler...
The one that bit off...

475
00:35:05,017 --> 00:35:06,521
your ball.

476
00:35:07,723 --> 00:35:10,003
It's been sorted out, now clear off.

477
00:35:10,720 --> 00:35:13,640
- But we're not finished.
- Clear off! I'm dealing with it.

478
00:35:47,860 --> 00:35:51,764
Hi, Billy. It's Jack.
You know, from the newspaper ad.

479
00:35:52,154 --> 00:35:55,426
I just wanted to say you were great.
Give us a call.

480
00:35:55,780 --> 00:35:58,474
But not on the weekend
because of my wife. Bye!

481
00:36:00,341 --> 00:36:04,030
Hi, This is Robert. Can I see you again?
I really fancy your sweet ass.

482
00:36:05,222 --> 00:36:07,885
Hi, Billy, it's Carl.
How are you doing?

483
00:36:08,226 --> 00:36:10,748
Like to go for a coffee some time?

484
00:36:11,278 --> 00:36:15,558
I've thought about my sexual fantasies.
Can we meet?

485
00:36:16,058 --> 00:36:19,664
I've bought myself an army uniform.
Give me a call. Bye!

486
00:36:23,267 --> 00:36:27,644
I felt like an idiot.
What the hell did I want with the boy?

487
00:36:28,362 --> 00:36:32,349
Instead of dreaming about romantic love
I should be out there solving the case.

488
00:36:34,368 --> 00:36:36,746
Sure,
New York can get damn cold sometimes.

489
00:36:37,082 --> 00:36:41,130
But I'm Sicilian.
I don't need this emotional crap.

490
00:36:42,339 --> 00:36:44,513
If I think about it,
I don't even need sex.

491
00:36:53,580 --> 00:36:56,828
I watch a porno video,
have a relaxed jerk-off and take a shower.

492
00:36:56,996 --> 00:36:59,474
What more do I need?

493
00:37:09,234 --> 00:37:10,908
That's all I need.

494
00:37:17,900 --> 00:37:19,639
Come out, Macaroni!

495
00:37:27,045 --> 00:37:29,432
Are you nuts?
What do you want?

496
00:37:29,635 --> 00:37:31,869
I want you to get out of the bath
and sleep with me.

497
00:37:32,787 --> 00:37:34,646
Are you out of your mind?

498
00:37:35,083 --> 00:37:36,304
Throw the goddamn knife away!

499
00:37:36,471 --> 00:37:37,272
No!

500
00:37:37,585 --> 00:37:38,819
You want to kill me or something?

501
00:37:39,941 --> 00:37:41,784
- Throw the knife away!
- Shut up!

502
00:37:46,629 --> 00:37:47,444
OK, OK. Listen Bob...

503
00:37:48,226 --> 00:37:49,096
Babette!

504
00:37:49,386 --> 00:37:51,733
Listen, I don't know what your therapist said...

505
00:37:51,893 --> 00:37:53,923
Bullshit! I know what I want.

506
00:37:54,144 --> 00:37:55,543
I want you, and you want me.

507
00:37:55,860 --> 00:37:57,439
Do you really believe... ?

508
00:37:59,927 --> 00:38:01,344
What was that?
- Don't try it.

509
00:38:02,415 --> 00:38:04,200
You've brought the goddamn condom!

510
00:38:04,440 --> 00:38:06,153
Of course I've brought condoms.

511
00:38:06,922 --> 00:38:09,244
- Where did you get them?
- The hotel. They've got plenty.

512
00:38:10,387 --> 00:38:13,160
Babette,
you've brought the killer condom!

513
00:38:18,190 --> 00:38:20,272
Now stay cool.

514
00:38:20,931 --> 00:38:24,742
Forget our affair.
Let's deal with this first.

515
00:38:27,618 --> 00:38:29,011
I don't believe you.

516
00:38:37,555 --> 00:38:38,884
Stay cool, Babette.

517
00:39:01,318 --> 00:39:03,694
Are you crazy?
That's real crocodile leather!

518
00:39:25,636 --> 00:39:26,459
Damn!

519
00:39:26,689 --> 00:39:28,869
- What was it?
- The killer condom.

520
00:39:29,092 --> 00:39:32,311
My God, it was after your prick!
And it was in my handbag!

521
00:39:32,495 --> 00:39:34,338
Shut up and help me.

522
00:39:37,156 --> 00:39:39,529
It was all so terrible...
Forgive me...

523
00:39:40,924 --> 00:39:42,516
I only wanted...

524
00:39:42,944 --> 00:39:44,613
Come here, you bastard.

525
00:40:29,358 --> 00:40:30,997
Are you there, Bob?

526
00:40:31,468 --> 00:40:32,953
The name's Babette.

527
00:40:33,167 --> 00:40:36,194
OK, Bob... Babette.
You've got to help me.

528
00:40:36,361 --> 00:40:39,067
- Give me that hose behind you.
- What hose?

529
00:40:39,635 --> 00:40:44,118
The hose behind the stove.
Connect it to the gas and give it to me.

530
00:40:48,108 --> 00:40:49,806
What are you waiting for?

531
00:40:52,056 --> 00:40:54,543
- I'm sorry.
- Forget it.

532
00:40:54,967 --> 00:40:55,947
Just help me.

533
00:40:59,124 --> 00:41:01,872
You know...
I thought about you all night and...

534
00:41:02,127 --> 00:41:03,726
That's touching,

535
00:41:03,886 --> 00:41:06,994
but if you don't hurry,
we'll never get this thing. Understand?!

536
00:41:07,154 --> 00:41:08,815
Don't shout at me!

537
00:41:15,945 --> 00:41:18,639
- You got it?
- Yes, I've got it.

538
00:41:19,115 --> 00:41:21,294
OK, get in position.

539
00:41:25,776 --> 00:41:26,710
Ready?

540
00:41:27,169 --> 00:41:28,026
Ready.

541
00:41:33,610 --> 00:41:34,514
Come on.

542
00:41:36,589 --> 00:41:38,441
Time for din-din.

543
00:41:44,040 --> 00:41:46,360
I'd get castration anxiety
if I were you.

544
00:41:47,260 --> 00:41:49,724
I'd penis envy if I were you.

545
00:41:56,134 --> 00:41:57,244
Come and get it.

546
00:41:58,059 --> 00:41:59,804
Nice penis...

547
00:42:00,477 --> 00:42:01,916
Yum, yum!

548
00:42:17,821 --> 00:42:18,633
Turn it on!

549
00:42:21,112 --> 00:42:21,959
Turn it on!

550
00:42:22,119 --> 00:42:23,348
OK! It's coming.

551
00:42:26,367 --> 00:42:27,480
Right, that's enough.

552
00:42:29,443 --> 00:42:31,568
How d'you like that, you bastard?

553
00:42:33,674 --> 00:42:34,879
I said that's enough, Bob.

554
00:42:35,083 --> 00:42:36,105
It won't go off!

555
00:42:36,320 --> 00:42:38,771
Turn the damn gas off, Bob!

556
00:42:43,360 --> 00:42:47,073
- Turn the gas off!
- You'll have to fix the faucet first.

557
00:42:47,233 --> 00:42:50,582
- Look at it, Bob !
- I can't help it...

558
00:42:54,730 --> 00:42:56,512
So what is it, Wilma?

559
00:42:56,889 --> 00:42:59,638
It's made of human epithelial cells

560
00:42:59,880 --> 00:43:02,453
underlaid with peritropic membranes.

561
00:43:02,714 --> 00:43:05,774
Although it looks like normal rubber,

562
00:43:06,760 --> 00:43:09,791
it's actually a complex organism

563
00:43:09,959 --> 00:43:12,898
with a subcutaneous layer of chitin.

564
00:43:15,985 --> 00:43:18,250
It has everything it needs:

565
00:43:18,936 --> 00:43:21,018
Microscopic nerves...

566
00:43:21,385 --> 00:43:24,742
a mass of brain tissue
spread evenly throughout the body...

567
00:43:26,676 --> 00:43:27,916
That's disgusting.

568
00:43:28,789 --> 00:43:29,906
It's teeth...

569
00:43:30,320 --> 00:43:33,300
are sharp as razor blades,
but apparently flexible.

570
00:43:34,616 --> 00:43:37,785
So what does it mean?
Is it some kind of animal, or what?

571
00:43:38,241 --> 00:43:42,243
Hard to say. it isn't really an animal
because it doesn't eat the dicks.

572
00:43:42,437 --> 00:43:44,187
No guts.

573
00:43:44,785 --> 00:43:49,001
It gets the energy for forward motion
from its own body cells.

574
00:43:49,626 --> 00:43:51,004
It's artificial.

575
00:43:53,031 --> 00:43:55,801
Artificial?
You mean someone made that thing?

576
00:43:56,457 --> 00:43:57,786
Probably.

577
00:43:57,967 --> 00:44:01,493
I'd say it was a cross between
a giant worm, a jellyfish and a piranha.

578
00:44:02,382 --> 00:44:05,562
Geneticists make a new discovery
every few weeks.

579
00:44:05,860 --> 00:44:08,588
Only recently an ancient professor

580
00:44:08,748 --> 00:44:10,940
won the Columbus Prize for his work.

581
00:44:11,207 --> 00:44:14,156
All I can say is: Consult an expert.

582
00:44:15,150 --> 00:44:18,971
I prefer conventional cases
like the guy behind you.

583
00:44:19,284 --> 00:44:23,716
His 400-pound girlfriend suffocated him
when she sat on his face.

584
00:44:24,798 --> 00:44:28,731
Was it sex or murder?
She's playing innocent.

585
00:44:29,235 --> 00:44:32,838
But luckily he got some pubic
hairs in his mouth.

586
00:44:32,998 --> 00:44:35,232
Thanks for your help, Wilma.

587
00:44:36,333 --> 00:44:39,491
Look at this! It's full of pubes!

588
00:44:40,528 --> 00:44:42,753
We should show it to the professor.

589
00:44:43,089 --> 00:44:46,140
Luigi, I'm sorry I didn't believe you.

590
00:44:46,731 --> 00:44:49,115
That's OK. I wouldn't have either.

591
00:44:49,283 --> 00:44:53,101
- But I don't like how you treated Billy.
- The boy's a hustler!

592
00:44:53,301 --> 00:44:55,944
He steals and he does drugs.

593
00:44:56,105 --> 00:45:00,182
- A little grass... - Was he really
so good that you want to marry him?

594
00:45:00,425 --> 00:45:04,134
You can do a darn sight better
than sticking money up his ass.

595
00:45:04,504 --> 00:45:06,034
You're a real man!

596
00:45:06,310 --> 00:45:08,637
Women adore you!
You should give it a try.

597
00:45:08,805 --> 00:45:12,044
Quit bugging me, Sam!
I'm not interested in women.

598
00:45:12,222 --> 00:45:14,892
I like firm male asses, not pissflaps.

599
00:45:15,059 --> 00:45:17,760
And let's get this clear:
I want to be tolerated!

600
00:45:18,219 --> 00:45:21,173
To be accepted and understood!
Got it?

601
00:45:22,050 --> 00:45:24,720
OK, OK...

602
00:45:24,848 --> 00:45:27,971
Serious?
You'll never say that shit again?

603
00:45:28,386 --> 00:45:31,845
I'll never mention it again. Promise.

604
00:45:32,720 --> 00:45:35,000
OK.

605
00:45:55,869 --> 00:46:00,578
I've lived in this town for 20 years.
I still don't know if it's right for me.

606
00:46:01,598 --> 00:46:03,742
Sure, I had to leave Sicily back then.

607
00:46:04,599 --> 00:46:07,873
If I'd stayed,
I'd be the Macaroni family butcher now

608
00:46:08,104 --> 00:46:11,257
spending all my days
turning donkeys into salami.

609
00:46:11,470 --> 00:46:15,414
My only leisure activity
would be shooting birds with a shotgun.

610
00:46:18,283 --> 00:46:19,431
Mama!

611
00:46:20,107 --> 00:46:24,845
She really wants a Sicilian wedding.
Of course the bride must be a virgin.

612
00:46:26,617 --> 00:46:29,801
OK,
so I've got myself a career in New York.

613
00:46:30,220 --> 00:46:32,746
I've worked my way up to detective.

614
00:46:33,193 --> 00:46:37,272
Even so, Mama wouldn't be very happy
if she knew how I live my life.

615
00:46:47,439 --> 00:46:49,597
And me? Am I happy?

616
00:49:04,041 --> 00:49:05,250
America

617
00:49:05,954 --> 00:49:09,459
must regain its values,

618
00:49:10,801 --> 00:49:12,592
it's belief in God

619
00:49:13,318 --> 00:49:15,543
and it's morals.

620
00:49:22,383 --> 00:49:24,331
I want to take office

621
00:49:24,932 --> 00:49:27,871
to heal our society again.

622
00:49:28,779 --> 00:49:32,044
I want people to realize

623
00:49:32,365 --> 00:49:36,283
what a wonderful country
God has given us.

624
00:49:36,574 --> 00:49:40,523
In order to thank him for this

625
00:49:41,135 --> 00:49:45,684
we must make this country strong again.

626
00:49:52,240 --> 00:49:55,133
Each of us who has healthy hands

627
00:49:55,746 --> 00:49:58,197
is called upon to do his share.

628
00:49:59,800 --> 00:50:01,008
We've had enough!

629
00:50:01,334 --> 00:50:05,323
Enough of scandals, drugs and perversity!

630
00:50:05,777 --> 00:50:09,755
We stand for the politics of order

631
00:50:10,245 --> 00:50:12,633
and of peace.

632
00:50:13,513 --> 00:50:14,572
United!

633
00:50:14,923 --> 00:50:17,577
For a clean America!

634
00:50:35,865 --> 00:50:38,537
- What is this?
- Buy your own!

635
00:50:38,698 --> 00:50:42,240
I don't see why everyone here
should help themselves to my make-up.

636
00:50:42,400 --> 00:50:44,980
Look what you've done!
I'm on in a moment.

637
00:50:49,981 --> 00:50:51,303
Hi, Babette.

638
00:50:55,858 --> 00:50:57,771
I was just passing...

639
00:50:58,174 --> 00:50:59,412
So I thought I'd stop by...

640
00:50:59,795 --> 00:51:03,451
See how you were doing after that nightmare.

641
00:51:04,399 --> 00:51:07,843
We've both seen a lot as policemen...
I mean we've been through things...

642
00:51:08,195 --> 00:51:11,916
But that was something else!

643
00:51:14,523 --> 00:51:16,863
And I... I just wanted to thank you.
You were real cool.

644
00:51:17,023 --> 00:51:18,676
- Is that for me?
- Yes...

645
00:51:19,608 --> 00:51:22,970
Tamara, darling: Would you open it?
My nails aren't dry yet.

646
00:51:27,866 --> 00:51:29,634
You know what used to be here?

647
00:51:31,031 --> 00:51:32,714
- What?
- A church.

648
00:51:34,490 --> 00:51:38,240
- And what does that mean?
- Don't ask me. You're the cop!

649
00:51:39,343 --> 00:51:41,639
It's a travel iron.

650
00:51:49,355 --> 00:51:53,645
You have so many clothes now.
I thought that if you ever went on tour...

651
00:51:53,805 --> 00:51:54,574
Thanks.

652
00:51:55,133 --> 00:51:57,563
I hadn't expected
such a romantic present.

653
00:51:57,919 --> 00:52:00,539
- I can exchange it...
- No.

654
00:52:01,355 --> 00:52:04,416
It's really lovely.

655
00:52:05,182 --> 00:52:06,123
Honestly.

656
00:52:06,781 --> 00:52:09,910
Now my stuff won't get wrinkled.
Thanks a lot.

657
00:52:12,389 --> 00:52:15,511
I'll be off, then.

658
00:52:16,062 --> 00:52:19,109
Well I'm busy too. I'm on in a bit.

659
00:52:20,446 --> 00:52:22,344
- See you, Bob.
- Babette!

660
00:52:24,706 --> 00:52:25,711
Of course: Babette.

661
00:52:43,844 --> 00:52:45,193
Hey Luigi! Did you see?

662
00:52:45,354 --> 00:52:47,615
That boy that bit your ball off...

663
00:52:47,775 --> 00:52:50,760
- What room is he in?
- 302. Should I call him?

664
00:52:57,554 --> 00:52:59,120
Hi, Billy!
Are you guys still following me?

665
00:52:59,423 --> 00:53:02,240
I'm not following you.
I just want to talk.

666
00:53:02,805 --> 00:53:04,075
I'm busy.

667
00:53:04,886 --> 00:53:06,946
- Wait downstairs for me.
- Not now!

668
00:53:08,198 --> 00:53:09,637
OK. I'll be down at the bar.

669
00:53:47,597 --> 00:53:49,765
Hey, what are you playing at?

670
00:54:11,372 --> 00:54:12,910
Damn place is full of crazies!

671
00:54:40,920 --> 00:54:45,920
Now it's going up again! - Up, down...
- I wish they'd make up their minds.

672
00:55:04,561 --> 00:55:07,794
- Yes, here in the elevator!
- How do I know?

673
00:55:09,164 --> 00:55:12,887
It isn't coming down anymore!
I'm damned if I'm walking!

674
00:56:06,008 --> 00:56:08,147
What's going on?

675
00:56:08,400 --> 00:56:12,262
- Hey, Robinson! Your brothel's falling apart, man!
- Shut up!

676
00:56:48,180 --> 00:56:49,120
Well done.

677
00:56:51,000 --> 00:56:52,800
Yeah. Well done!

678
00:57:15,526 --> 00:57:19,293
It gets worse every night.
I hardly know where to put them all,

679
00:57:19,679 --> 00:57:20,924
but you can see that yourself.

680
00:57:21,092 --> 00:57:24,661
- Detective Macaroni?
- Bulowski. Frank Bulowski.

681
00:57:42,279 --> 00:57:46,801
I was tired. I couldn't work it out.
Couldn't put the pieces together.

682
00:57:47,752 --> 00:57:51,288
Every morning when I wake up,
it all seems like a bad nightmare.

683
00:57:51,891 --> 00:57:55,809
But then I reach for my groin
and face the absurd facts once more.

684
00:58:04,282 --> 00:58:08,390
I now realize just how lucky I am
that the condom only got my nut.

685
00:58:08,862 --> 00:58:11,189
I mean, what can a man do in New York

686
00:58:11,385 --> 00:58:13,915
if he's lonely and hasn't got a dick?

687
00:58:26,560 --> 00:58:28,839
When my baby's President,

688
00:58:29,661 --> 00:58:31,927
will he still have time for me?

689
00:58:34,854 --> 00:58:38,864
When your baby's President,
he'll take you on every state visit.

690
00:59:19,621 --> 00:59:21,244
What's that?

691
00:59:31,232 --> 00:59:32,715
Isn't it cute?

692
00:59:34,192 --> 00:59:36,073
Maybe it's one of those things

693
00:59:36,355 --> 00:59:38,696
we read about in the newspaper.

694
01:00:13,488 --> 01:00:15,371
Read all about it!

695
01:00:16,807 --> 01:00:19,042
Killer condom strikes again!

696
01:00:20,336 --> 01:00:21,989
This time it's McGouvern!

697
01:01:01,360 --> 01:01:02,630
Morning, Luigi.

698
01:01:03,112 --> 01:01:04,980
You look terrible.

699
01:01:05,209 --> 01:01:07,222
I've got a foul taste in my mouth.

700
01:01:07,883 --> 01:01:09,368
Here, smell this.

701
01:01:11,671 --> 01:01:14,807
- Anything new?
- I'm working on it. Give me 10 minutes.

702
01:01:15,500 --> 01:01:16,500
OK.

703
01:01:18,244 --> 01:01:19,782
- Hi, Sally.
- Luigi!

704
01:01:19,976 --> 01:01:22,745
- What brings you here?
- The captain asked me

705
01:01:22,908 --> 01:01:25,015
to come over and have a chat with our mutual friend.

706
01:01:25,237 --> 01:01:28,351
Isn't that right, Porky?
You love talking to me.

707
01:01:28,763 --> 01:01:29,792
I'm not saying anything.

708
01:01:32,551 --> 01:01:34,373
I don't rat on my friends.

709
01:01:49,373 --> 01:01:54,086
OK! OK! It was Jack Collin's idea,
but he wanted to work with Rich Bitch.

710
01:01:54,276 --> 01:01:56,536
So Bruce Winnegan shot Frank Collins.

711
01:01:56,718 --> 01:01:59,007
Killer Angel's also in on the deal.

712
01:01:59,171 --> 01:02:01,389
Only he's working for Larry King.

713
01:02:01,552 --> 01:02:04,137
They're packing the stuff in bags...

714
01:02:04,665 --> 01:02:06,747
Went quicker than I thought.

715
01:02:06,907 --> 01:02:09,483
I hear you're chasing contraceptives.

716
01:02:10,562 --> 01:02:13,584
Would you do me a favor before you go?

717
01:02:13,803 --> 01:02:16,213
- You know I don't touch condoms.
- I know.

718
01:02:16,867 --> 01:02:19,705
There used to be a church where
the Hotel Quickie now stands.

719
01:02:19,800 --> 01:02:20,600
- Really?

720
01:02:20,658 --> 01:02:24,650
- I need to know how long it was there,
who had it bulldozed and why.

721
01:02:24,890 --> 01:02:28,969
- And get me a photo of the church.
- Sure, his balls were pretty fat,

722
01:02:30,336 --> 01:02:32,688
but his weenie wasn't all that big.

723
01:02:33,030 --> 01:02:35,678
In fact, it was pretty small.

724
01:02:36,260 --> 01:02:40,600
He once confessed that was the reason
he was running for President!

725
01:02:40,781 --> 01:02:42,203
Isn't that funny?

726
01:02:49,291 --> 01:02:50,928
Good idea. Ciao!

727
01:02:51,467 --> 01:02:52,843
What is this?

728
01:02:53,731 --> 01:02:55,234
You mean you don't know?

729
01:02:55,951 --> 01:02:57,620
What don't I know?

730
01:02:58,117 --> 01:03:01,981
Fear of castration is growing
among the people of New York.

731
01:03:02,145 --> 01:03:06,798
In the past few days a number of cases
have been reported to the police.

732
01:03:07,046 --> 01:03:10,344
All the male victims
speak of contraceptives

733
01:03:10,511 --> 01:03:14,309
that turn out to be
unknown and dangerous creatures.

734
01:03:14,783 --> 01:03:19,299
Eye witnesses say
they initially look like condoms.

735
01:03:19,675 --> 01:03:22,347
They can be rolled on
like a condom.

736
01:03:22,509 --> 01:03:26,370
It's now come to light
that the police were not surprised

737
01:03:26,559 --> 01:03:29,627
by the recent attack in the hotel room
of Republican candidate McGouvern.

738
01:03:29,791 --> 01:03:32,210
McGouvern lost almost all his genitalia

739
01:03:32,373 --> 01:03:36,556
under unknown circumstances.

740
01:03:36,800 --> 01:03:40,397
You knew about it?
You knew about this killer condom?

741
01:03:40,654 --> 01:03:42,687
Well, not exactly...

742
01:03:42,874 --> 01:03:45,052
We've had a few cases like this...

743
01:03:45,526 --> 01:03:48,589
But they involved queers and hookers...

744
01:03:49,887 --> 01:03:51,895
I never thought...

745
01:03:52,090 --> 01:03:53,279
I mean...

746
01:03:54,010 --> 01:03:57,780
- It won't affect his campaign, will it?
- Campaign? What campaign?

747
01:03:58,061 --> 01:03:59,066
Do you think

748
01:03:59,227 --> 01:04:02,562
that the people will elect
a man without reproductive organs

749
01:04:02,742 --> 01:04:04,935
as the President of the United States?

750
01:04:08,131 --> 01:04:11,428
What have you found out
about these little monsters

751
01:04:11,616 --> 01:04:13,698
that apparently look like condoms?

752
01:04:14,948 --> 01:04:16,130
Well...

753
01:04:16,733 --> 01:04:19,848
They're made of a sort of rubber...

754
01:04:20,201 --> 01:04:22,613
But of course it isn't really rubber...

755
01:04:23,058 --> 01:04:24,253
And they...

756
01:04:24,535 --> 01:04:28,802
They've got a very thin skin...
And they're...

757
01:04:29,049 --> 01:04:29,917
Lubricated?

758
01:04:35,157 --> 01:04:37,167
And banana-flavored!

759
01:04:42,760 --> 01:04:46,582
What's the police doing at the moment
to tackle these killer condoms?

760
01:04:49,770 --> 01:04:51,464
Professor Boris Smirnoff

761
01:04:51,626 --> 01:04:54,240
was born in 1923 in Vaclavitiv, Russia.

762
01:04:54,731 --> 01:04:58,199
He immigrated to the US in 1943
and studied natural sciences here.

763
01:04:58,629 --> 01:04:59,960
In 1956,

764
01:05:00,200 --> 01:05:03,666
he was awarded an honorary doctorate
for his work in biochemistry.

765
01:05:03,861 --> 01:05:06,012
3 years later he became the head

766
01:05:06,181 --> 01:05:07,472
of a rubber and plastics lab.

767
01:05:07,635 --> 01:05:10,514
In '62 he won the Science Academy
Award for developing

768
01:05:10,774 --> 01:05:13,180
a special rubber solution

769
01:05:13,520 --> 01:05:17,725
used mainly to produce false limbs
but also for contraceptive sheaths.

770
01:05:18,691 --> 01:05:21,232
For several years,
he's been concentrating on genetics.

771
01:05:21,895 --> 01:05:24,489
His family doesn't know where he is.

772
01:05:24,800 --> 01:05:29,400
Publishers wait in vain for his papers.
He's failed to turn up at lectures.

773
01:05:30,417 --> 01:05:33,023
He's sent postcards
from the Bahamas.

774
01:05:33,186 --> 01:05:36,326
But they just say that the weather's nice
and he's feeling good.

775
01:05:36,578 --> 01:05:39,631
His daughter says
he always hated nice weather

776
01:05:40,258 --> 01:05:42,036
and only felt good when he was working.

777
01:05:43,526 --> 01:05:45,083
Look at that.

778
01:05:46,510 --> 01:05:49,476
- So?
- Look at the guy behind him.

779
01:05:50,320 --> 01:05:51,985
- Who is he?
- Exactly.

780
01:05:52,480 --> 01:05:54,788
Nobody knows,
but he's always behind Smirnoff.

781
01:05:55,651 --> 01:05:57,655
- Bodyguard?
- Negative.

782
01:05:57,978 --> 01:06:00,986
Smirnoff's daughter
thought he was the cook.

783
01:06:01,284 --> 01:06:03,800
The party guests
thought he was a colleague.

784
01:06:05,532 --> 01:06:07,481
But nobody knows this man.

785
01:06:10,537 --> 01:06:12,145
What is this?

786
01:06:12,400 --> 01:06:15,392
- There's this professor who may have been kidnapped...
- Really?

787
01:06:16,042 --> 01:06:17,800
And you play Cluedo?

788
01:06:19,449 --> 01:06:22,520
A presidential candidate
got his dong bitten off

789
01:06:22,698 --> 01:06:24,680
and you're watching videos!

790
01:06:25,255 --> 01:06:26,673
- Sir...

791
01:06:26,840 --> 01:06:29,068
- We had a total of 18 cases last night.

792
01:06:29,409 --> 01:06:32,120
Some in brothels,
but most on the gay scene.

793
01:06:32,556 --> 01:06:36,280
that means
the knob-eaters are multiplying.

794
01:06:36,520 --> 01:06:40,239
Before they get someone
on the Upper East Side

795
01:06:40,565 --> 01:06:43,297
I want you to get to grips with it!
- That's what we're doing.

796
01:06:43,921 --> 01:06:47,200
Starting tonight
I want a plant on the gay scene

797
01:06:47,441 --> 01:06:50,401
checking out what's going on.
That's your job, Macaroni.

798
01:06:50,588 --> 01:06:53,241
- That's not a good idea.
- Really?

799
01:06:53,722 --> 01:06:56,707
And why not?
You know your way around.

800
01:06:57,122 --> 01:07:01,036
That's the problem: I'm well known.
Everyone knows I'm a cop.

801
01:07:01,664 --> 01:07:02,730
Then you do it, Sam.
- What?

802
01:07:05,938 --> 01:07:09,397
You get dressed up like a homosexual
and check the scene out.

803
01:07:09,875 --> 01:07:11,932
Or are you well known too?

804
01:07:12,103 --> 01:07:13,654
- No, sir...
- Good!

805
01:07:13,961 --> 01:07:17,144
I don't want to see
any more hookers or drug addicts.

806
01:07:17,321 --> 01:07:19,920
I want reliable witnesses.
Is that clear?

807
01:07:21,880 --> 01:07:24,106
Macaroni, get him dressed up.

808
01:07:26,060 --> 01:07:29,574
- The boys will love you.
- I don't want anyone loving me.

809
01:07:29,761 --> 01:07:31,439
This is ridiculous!

810
01:07:31,705 --> 01:07:34,772
You want me to walk around
dressed like this and ask:

811
01:07:34,976 --> 01:07:38,904
"Excuse me, have you seen a rubber
that bares it's teeth from time to time?"

812
01:07:39,281 --> 01:07:42,245
Be careful who you have sex with

813
01:07:42,634 --> 01:07:44,943
and always check the condom first.

814
01:07:45,105 --> 01:07:47,712
- What?
- It happens faster than you think.

815
01:07:49,747 --> 01:07:52,468
Won't they ask me if I want to?

816
01:07:52,643 --> 01:07:56,163
If one of them wants you,
you haven't got a chance.

817
01:07:56,807 --> 01:07:59,366
Haven't got a chance? What do you mean?

818
01:08:00,068 --> 01:08:03,133
Gay men are still real men.
They know what they want, Sam.

819
01:08:05,873 --> 01:08:08,341
Here, take this hanky.

820
01:08:10,165 --> 01:08:12,279
Leave it hanging
out of your right back pocket.

821
01:08:14,226 --> 01:08:16,755
What? Why should I?

822
01:08:17,169 --> 01:08:18,426
It's code.

823
01:08:18,809 --> 01:08:23,413
It means, "I don't want sex tonight,
so leave me alone."

824
01:08:24,666 --> 01:08:26,015
And that works?

825
01:08:27,108 --> 01:08:29,391
It's the only thing that works, Sam.

826
01:09:05,380 --> 01:09:06,920
Holger, darling!

827
01:09:39,400 --> 01:09:41,647
I'm a pig...

828
01:10:05,372 --> 01:10:07,994
Sometimes this city is like a cancer

829
01:10:08,154 --> 01:10:11,820
that grows and grows,
ever nearer to its own destruction.

830
01:10:12,437 --> 01:10:17,090
Maybe I'll always be a stranger here
because I spent my childhood in Sicily

831
01:10:17,627 --> 01:10:19,363
right by the sea

832
01:10:19,716 --> 01:10:23,295
with my loving Mama
singing sad songs by the fire...

833
01:10:25,348 --> 01:10:28,321
Where are you, you Sicilian faggot!

834
01:10:39,102 --> 01:10:41,921
Yellow hanky
in the right pocket, eh?

835
01:10:42,174 --> 01:10:46,130
That perverse gorilla pissed up my leg
because he thought that's what I like!

836
01:10:46,398 --> 01:10:48,973
I'm married! I have a kid!

837
01:10:49,184 --> 01:10:51,561
I'm not used to that shit!

838
01:10:52,320 --> 01:10:55,030
Stop laughing, damn you!
It isn't funny!

839
01:10:55,870 --> 01:10:57,648
Calm down, Sam!

840
01:10:57,998 --> 01:11:00,045
I'm sorry.

841
01:11:00,237 --> 01:11:04,898
It was a joke. How was I to know
it would really happen?

842
01:11:06,227 --> 01:11:08,893
Thank God I didn't give you a red hanky.

843
01:11:09,152 --> 01:11:11,368
- A red hanky? What does that mean?

844
01:11:11,923 --> 01:11:13,409
- Fist fucking.

845
01:11:14,099 --> 01:11:16,520
Let's get a coffee.
- I don't want any!

846
01:11:17,171 --> 01:11:19,140
You can solve this case by yourself.

847
01:11:19,416 --> 01:11:20,964
This scene is too...

848
01:11:21,384 --> 01:11:22,777
Damn, I want out!

849
01:11:24,486 --> 01:11:26,134
You can't leave me now!

850
01:11:26,661 --> 01:11:30,719
And whatever you think of those boys,
they only want to have fun.

851
01:11:30,886 --> 01:11:33,018
Now they're being attacked by rubbers

852
01:11:33,178 --> 01:11:34,628
and we have to stop it!

853
01:11:38,569 --> 01:11:40,423
I need you, damn it!

854
01:11:47,492 --> 01:11:49,500
OK, but no more yellow hankies.

855
01:11:50,511 --> 01:11:52,090
- No more yellow hankies, OK.

856
01:11:52,574 --> 01:11:55,654
And no red ones either.
No hankies at all!

857
01:11:56,374 --> 01:11:57,861
OK, no hankies at all.

858
01:12:10,608 --> 01:12:12,386
What are you all staring at?

859
01:12:12,591 --> 01:12:14,963
Never heard of male bonding?

860
01:12:29,491 --> 01:12:32,332
Nobody pisses up my leg. Nobody!

861
01:12:33,453 --> 01:12:34,541
I know.

862
01:12:56,302 --> 01:12:59,183
What's wrong with her?
- Can anyone translate this?

863
01:13:03,345 --> 01:13:04,877
Something about a condom.

864
01:13:06,792 --> 01:13:08,381
Where? Where? Where?

865
01:13:09,321 --> 01:13:11,205
Where condom, Senora?

866
01:13:11,563 --> 01:13:13,724
Listen to me! Where condom?

867
01:13:17,360 --> 01:13:18,255
Hospital?

868
01:13:19,363 --> 01:13:21,202
Condom in hospital?

869
01:13:22,490 --> 01:13:25,473
Show me where it is, Senora.
Come on, get up!

870
01:13:27,783 --> 01:13:29,429
I'm going over there.
- But why?

871
01:13:29,591 --> 01:13:31,213
- I've got a strange feeling.

872
01:13:36,125 --> 01:13:39,407
Can't anyone here
translate what this woman is saying!?

873
01:13:41,920 --> 01:13:43,376
What's she saying?

874
01:14:10,093 --> 01:14:11,595
Detective Macaroni.

875
01:14:14,086 --> 01:14:16,783
Even dedicated policemen
have to sleep now and again.

876
01:14:16,943 --> 01:14:19,712
It isn't good for their health
if they don't.

877
01:14:26,807 --> 01:14:27,985
Is Cop here?

878
01:14:30,198 --> 01:14:31,998
- Who?
- You know who I mean.

879
01:14:32,700 --> 01:14:37,391
Detective Macaroni just left.
And he won't be back for some time.

880
01:14:37,885 --> 01:14:38,827
Where did he go?

881
01:14:44,671 --> 01:14:48,345
Listen, boy.
Your cop's already got his hands full

882
01:14:48,590 --> 01:14:51,235
without you waving your ass
in front of his nose.

883
01:14:57,814 --> 01:14:59,745
What is it? What about this man?

884
01:15:01,048 --> 01:15:02,665
What about the man?

885
01:15:02,992 --> 01:15:05,076
Doesn't anyone here understand her?

886
01:15:05,239 --> 01:15:08,236
She says she saw the Asian man
in the hospital chapel.

887
01:15:08,506 --> 01:15:11,008
He had one of the condoms with him.

888
01:15:11,495 --> 01:15:13,140
Right, come with me.

889
01:15:13,408 --> 01:15:15,185
O'Brian! We're going to the hospital.

890
01:15:15,915 --> 01:15:17,037
Come on!

891
01:15:17,402 --> 01:15:19,669
And you're coming to translate.

892
01:15:20,977 --> 01:15:24,320
Ellie, make us two coffees, please.
Take a seat.

893
01:15:25,935 --> 01:15:29,316
Sorry to disturb you at this hour,

894
01:15:29,690 --> 01:15:30,900
but that woman

895
01:15:31,372 --> 01:15:34,903
whose nose was bitten off
by a condom...

896
01:15:35,882 --> 01:15:36,771
Yes?

897
01:15:37,920 --> 01:15:40,327
She turned up at my precinct office
this evening.

898
01:15:41,104 --> 01:15:44,162
She was very upset,
so I thought I'd come by.

899
01:15:44,322 --> 01:15:45,961
What did she say?

900
01:15:47,094 --> 01:15:50,400
I'm not really sure.
I think she saw a condom.

901
01:15:52,833 --> 01:15:53,584
Here?

902
01:15:53,850 --> 01:15:56,348
In the chapel, if I'm not mistaken.

903
01:15:59,996 --> 01:16:03,209
Detective, every night this woman dreams
about condoms jumping in her face.

904
01:16:03,369 --> 01:16:07,246
She desperately needs her
medication and tranquilizers.

905
01:16:07,440 --> 01:16:08,458
Where is she?

906
01:16:12,893 --> 01:16:16,280
Does an Asian man, a Chinese man,
work here?

907
01:16:17,875 --> 01:16:20,116
Not that I know of. Why?

908
01:16:22,173 --> 01:16:23,605
Nothing special.

909
01:16:24,083 --> 01:16:26,560
I just thought I saw a Chinese person.

910
01:16:28,650 --> 01:16:31,792
There are over a billion Chinese
living on this planet, Detective.

911
01:16:32,570 --> 01:16:35,189
You may well have seen one of them.

912
01:16:40,176 --> 01:16:42,748
She says we should go to the chapel.

913
01:16:42,933 --> 01:16:45,274
How can you understand her?

914
01:16:54,763 --> 01:16:56,920
Are you married?

915
01:16:57,620 --> 01:16:59,176
Me? No.

916
01:17:06,806 --> 01:17:09,144
Maybe you should consider
getting yourself a wife.

917
01:17:10,062 --> 01:17:13,894
It is very important for a man like you
to have someone who cares for him

918
01:17:14,343 --> 01:17:17,020
when he comes home at night.

919
01:17:18,715 --> 01:17:20,178
I prefer to live alone.

920
01:17:22,060 --> 01:17:25,555
But the good Lord
created two types of being

921
01:17:25,715 --> 01:17:29,675
that they may find one another
and share their lives.

922
01:17:30,384 --> 01:17:31,786
That may well be.

923
01:17:35,426 --> 01:17:37,397
I have to go.

924
01:17:37,826 --> 01:17:39,510
You're very lonely, aren't you?

925
01:17:40,802 --> 01:17:42,696
Good night, Dr Riffleson.

926
01:17:42,882 --> 01:17:46,071
I'll accompany you out.
I have to go that way anyhow.

927
01:17:54,670 --> 01:17:56,411
I'll send the woman back to you.

928
01:17:58,439 --> 01:18:02,321
But don't let her escape again.
- Don't worry, it won't happen again.

929
01:18:29,060 --> 01:18:30,832
What was that?
- What?

930
01:18:31,148 --> 01:18:34,491
- I heard a shot.
- A shot? I didn't hear anything.

931
01:18:45,464 --> 01:18:49,238
- What's that screaming?
- Probably the woman on the first floor.

932
01:18:49,916 --> 01:18:52,106
Whenever the pain is too much...

933
01:20:38,344 --> 01:20:40,100
Professor Smirnoff?

934
01:20:42,750 --> 01:20:44,598
You've arrived at last!

935
01:20:45,147 --> 01:20:47,797
Have you brought me my red jelly?

936
01:20:48,367 --> 01:20:50,970
Red what?
- Red jelly.

937
01:20:51,460 --> 01:20:53,925
Don't pretend you don't understand.

938
01:20:55,804 --> 01:20:58,630
You're a policeman, aren't you?

939
01:20:59,071 --> 01:21:01,967
Promise me you won't harm her.

940
01:21:02,292 --> 01:21:06,174
I need my red jelly.
I can't live without my red jelly.

941
01:21:06,728 --> 01:21:08,567
Who shouldn't I harm?

942
01:21:08,866 --> 01:21:12,161
Want to know what I do here?

943
01:21:13,034 --> 01:21:14,174
I'm all ears.

944
01:21:15,553 --> 01:21:17,510
I'm Professor Smirnoff!

945
01:21:17,841 --> 01:21:18,744
I know.

946
01:21:19,252 --> 01:21:21,592
Tell me, who's keeping you here?

947
01:21:22,406 --> 01:21:24,255
I created all of this!

948
01:21:24,440 --> 01:21:26,504
Look:

949
01:21:26,881 --> 01:21:29,485
This trusting little creature.

950
01:21:29,752 --> 01:21:31,842
Bon voyage, Boris!

951
01:21:34,159 --> 01:21:36,200
Want to know how

952
01:21:36,446 --> 01:21:38,790
- I created it all?
- Yes, Professor.

953
01:21:39,332 --> 01:21:44,373
I simply crossed larvae of the species
Psammechinus Miliaris, Cetalia Simplex

954
01:21:44,533 --> 01:21:47,803
and an extremely halophilic
Ikosaeder virus.

955
01:21:48,720 --> 01:21:51,215
When their pronuclei fuse,

956
01:21:51,376 --> 01:21:54,539
the strongly acidic phospho-ribosilic

957
01:21:54,701 --> 01:21:58,004
formimino-amido-imidazol carboxamide

958
01:21:58,282 --> 01:22:00,754
phospho-ribosilic isomerase...

959
01:22:14,920 --> 01:22:19,093
...and centripedal laticin filaments,
thus producing artificial beings

960
01:22:19,260 --> 01:22:22,399
capable of independent,
deliberate movement

961
01:22:22,640 --> 01:22:24,324
and, just like human beings,

962
01:22:24,484 --> 01:22:28,218
enjoy taking in food
such as red jelly.

963
01:22:28,735 --> 01:22:32,760
By biting off the genitals of
innocent men. Why, Professor?

964
01:22:33,934 --> 01:22:36,060
They give me red jelly for it.

965
01:22:38,228 --> 01:22:40,493
Who does?
Who gives you red jelly, Professor?

966
01:22:41,477 --> 01:22:44,142
I give the professor red jelly!

967
01:22:44,388 --> 01:22:46,249
Any other questions, Detective?

968
01:22:46,425 --> 01:22:50,097
- Dr Riffleson!
- Precisely. Now give me your gun.

969
01:22:51,436 --> 01:22:55,310
If you don't give me your gun
he'll blow your sick little brain out!

970
01:22:57,162 --> 01:22:58,224
Search him!

971
01:23:08,266 --> 01:23:09,558
The game's over!

972
01:23:09,800 --> 01:23:12,039
The police have come to rescue me!

973
01:23:12,466 --> 01:23:16,568
- Shut up and get on with your work!
- No, I won't carry on!

974
01:23:17,005 --> 01:23:18,274
They'll rescue me

975
01:23:18,481 --> 01:23:20,398
and then I, Professor Smirnoff...

976
01:23:20,640 --> 01:23:24,161
back to work,
or there'll be no red jelly!

977
01:23:40,323 --> 01:23:43,281
Over there. And no funny business.

978
01:23:43,876 --> 01:23:44,954
Go! Go! Go!

979
01:23:48,406 --> 01:23:51,715
I'm very pleased
you've come to visit us, Detective.

980
01:23:53,573 --> 01:23:57,627
- May I ask what this is all about?
- I'm preparing for His arrival!

981
01:23:58,956 --> 01:24:02,400
- Whose arrival?
- The arrival and return of the Lord!

982
01:24:04,579 --> 01:24:07,079
- I don't understand.
- How could you?

983
01:24:07,323 --> 01:24:09,555
The Lord doesn't speak to the fallen.

984
01:24:09,970 --> 01:24:11,706
He will arrive on December 31st 1999

985
01:24:11,869 --> 01:24:15,860
together with His earthly counterpart

986
01:24:16,680 --> 01:24:18,876
on the 11:30 flight
from Rome to New York.

987
01:24:19,765 --> 01:24:22,591
He's coming to pass judgement on

988
01:24:22,756 --> 01:24:25,493
the greatest, most sinful Babel in the world!

989
01:24:25,662 --> 01:24:27,640
This city is Sodom and Gomorrah!

990
01:24:28,040 --> 01:24:32,602
I have the sacred duty and divine honor
of preparing the way for Him

991
01:24:32,823 --> 01:24:36,372
by judging and punishing
the most reprehensible of all sinners

992
01:24:36,543 --> 01:24:39,808
in advance of His coming!

993
01:24:40,640 --> 01:24:43,252
- Well...
- Don't deny it, Detective!

994
01:24:43,412 --> 01:24:46,359
I know everything
about your unnatural activities!

995
01:24:46,519 --> 01:24:48,075
The Bible says:

996
01:24:48,448 --> 01:24:50,843
"Man shall not lie with another man. "

997
01:24:51,009 --> 01:24:54,596
But you know that, don't you?
It also says: "Be fruitful and multiply."

998
01:24:54,756 --> 01:24:57,220
Not: "Give in to lust. "

999
01:24:57,380 --> 01:25:01,594
There's nothing in the Holy Scriptures
about condoms or contraception.

1000
01:25:01,778 --> 01:25:04,342
Nothing about useless ejaculations

1001
01:25:04,539 --> 01:25:09,527
or those disgusting orgies you engage in
with your perverse friends.

1002
01:25:15,462 --> 01:25:17,818
Go on, Detective. Go on, have a look.

1003
01:25:34,799 --> 01:25:37,440
A nice little group, don't you think?

1004
01:25:38,533 --> 01:25:42,155
Brothel owners, pimps,
men who wear women's clothes,

1005
01:25:42,315 --> 01:25:44,235
policemen who let evil men go free,

1006
01:25:44,406 --> 01:25:48,319
and tourists who stick their noses
into other people's business...

1007
01:25:48,741 --> 01:25:51,176
I shall conquer evil!

1008
01:25:51,598 --> 01:25:53,105
I will not rest

1009
01:25:53,265 --> 01:25:57,049
until every last sinner out there has been judged!

1010
01:25:57,510 --> 01:25:58,893
So that was it.

1011
01:25:59,240 --> 01:26:04,032
A neurotic, man-hating religious fanatic
had transformed a brilliant scientist

1012
01:26:04,912 --> 01:26:07,223
into an instrument of her deranged plan.

1013
01:26:08,369 --> 01:26:10,087
Smirnoff's new method

1014
01:26:10,339 --> 01:26:14,553
for binding silicon latex
with centripedal lacitin filaments

1015
01:26:14,718 --> 01:26:16,462
is a sign from God

1016
01:26:16,751 --> 01:26:20,792
that we must put an end
to all these perverse sinners!

1017
01:26:26,859 --> 01:26:28,584
Come here, Detective.

1018
01:26:29,215 --> 01:26:30,809
Come! Come! Come!

1019
01:26:33,019 --> 01:26:37,476
You're so fond of boasting
that you need extra-large condoms.

1020
01:26:52,520 --> 01:26:54,014
Detective Macaroni:

1021
01:26:54,509 --> 01:26:56,681
this model's especially for you.

1022
01:26:57,198 --> 01:27:01,334
- It's nice of you to think of me.
- I've waited for this moment for weeks!

1023
01:27:01,569 --> 01:27:05,276
Now pull out your sinful Babel penis!

1024
01:27:06,902 --> 01:27:08,535
You're insane!

1025
01:27:10,278 --> 01:27:11,294
Move it.

1026
01:27:12,296 --> 01:27:14,930
Get it out.

1027
01:28:03,534 --> 01:28:07,044
- Come on Detective: It's feeding time.
- Listen, Dr Riffleson.

1028
01:28:07,296 --> 01:28:10,068
I'm sure the creator wouldn't approve.

1029
01:28:10,299 --> 01:28:13,448
After all,
He gave me this lovely big penis...

1030
01:28:13,608 --> 01:28:18,116
To be fruitful! To marry a woman
and bring children into the world!

1031
01:28:18,490 --> 01:28:22,057
But what do you do?
You stick it in young men's behinds!

1032
01:28:22,217 --> 01:28:25,196
No, Detective.
That's not what the Lord intended

1033
01:28:25,398 --> 01:28:27,581
when he gave you this penis.

1034
01:28:29,520 --> 01:28:32,062
Now pull it out!

1035
01:29:33,488 --> 01:29:34,646
I'm free!

1036
01:29:35,155 --> 01:29:37,758
Professor Smirnoff is free!

1037
01:30:17,055 --> 01:30:20,024
- Red jelly!
- What do you want, Professor?

1038
01:30:20,676 --> 01:30:24,427
Everyone dies unless I get red jelly!

1039
01:30:24,633 --> 01:30:29,193
- Not now, Professor!
- I can't go on without red jelly!

1040
01:30:32,720 --> 01:30:34,076
You stupid old man!

1041
01:31:30,900 --> 01:31:34,559
- I guess you saved my pecker.
- I love you, Cop.

1042
01:31:36,727 --> 01:31:37,712
Here...

1043
01:31:40,006 --> 01:31:41,415
Use this to bandage your hand.

1044
01:31:41,585 --> 01:31:43,151
Excuse me, you love-birds!

1045
01:31:43,311 --> 01:31:45,560
- Get me down!
- Please, Macaroni!

1046
01:31:45,880 --> 01:31:47,734
Get us down from here!

1047
01:31:59,133 --> 01:32:00,451
Watch out, Luigi!

1048
01:32:03,535 --> 01:32:05,837
Macaroni, do you have a moment to spare?

1049
01:32:06,897 --> 01:32:08,939
The game's over, Riffleson.

1050
01:32:09,281 --> 01:32:13,132
How wrong you are! God is on my side!
Come! Come! Come!

1051
01:32:15,375 --> 01:32:18,497
What do you hope to achieve?
Let the boy go.

1052
01:32:19,051 --> 01:32:21,079
The Lord's will must be obeyed!

1053
01:32:21,286 --> 01:32:25,588
And the Lord wants you
to jump into the condoms!

1054
01:32:27,564 --> 01:32:28,900
Anybody there?

1055
01:32:31,739 --> 01:32:32,746
Jump!

1056
01:32:41,850 --> 01:32:42,760
No.

1057
01:32:43,542 --> 01:32:44,830
I won't jump.

1058
01:32:46,762 --> 01:32:48,307
Look around you.

1059
01:32:48,996 --> 01:32:50,606
This is your work.

1060
01:32:51,332 --> 01:32:53,592
Do you really think that
God will forgive you?

1061
01:32:53,857 --> 01:32:58,160
You've created a hell full of creatures
that could never be the work of God.

1062
01:32:59,437 --> 01:33:01,351
You talk about sin and depravity,

1063
01:33:01,511 --> 01:33:03,013
and you may be right...

1064
01:33:03,428 --> 01:33:06,251
But look at the boy
you're pointing a gun at.

1065
01:33:06,640 --> 01:33:09,698
He's young
and deserves the right to live.

1066
01:33:10,892 --> 01:33:13,522
There aren't any condoms in heaven,
Dr Riffleson.

1067
01:33:14,066 --> 01:33:15,838
Nor any that bite.

1068
01:33:16,513 --> 01:33:19,556
You speak of a God
who will judge all of mankind.

1069
01:33:19,971 --> 01:33:22,591
I say God will protect all lovers.

1070
01:33:22,807 --> 01:33:25,871
He doesn't care of its two men
or a man and a woman.

1071
01:33:26,182 --> 01:33:30,088
He doesn't care if a man
dresses like a woman and sings in a bar.

1072
01:33:30,549 --> 01:33:32,160
It's quite possible

1073
01:33:32,400 --> 01:33:35,353
that these people haven't
always done the right thing,

1074
01:33:35,656 --> 01:33:38,103
but we're all human beings.

1075
01:33:38,593 --> 01:33:41,734
We're all responsible
for the way we live our lives.

1076
01:33:42,099 --> 01:33:44,703
If God does ever pass judgment over us,

1077
01:33:44,963 --> 01:33:48,202
He won't need anyone to do it for Him.

1078
01:33:48,581 --> 01:33:51,880
Each and every one of us here,
whether homosexual or heterosexual,

1079
01:33:52,333 --> 01:33:55,552
whether transvestite
or atheist professor,

1080
01:33:55,932 --> 01:34:00,038
brothel owner or policeman,
Serb, Croat or Chinese...

1081
01:34:00,441 --> 01:34:03,076
I don't know where the words came from.

1082
01:34:03,451 --> 01:34:07,137
I was giving a sermon and realising
my words were having an effect...

1083
01:34:07,878 --> 01:34:10,944
May he who is free of sin
cast the first stone!

1084
01:34:11,126 --> 01:34:15,205
Only the strange light bothered me.

1085
01:34:16,239 --> 01:34:19,099
That and the angels singing around me.

1086
01:34:21,750 --> 01:34:23,130
It's all so...

1087
01:34:23,948 --> 01:34:25,036
dirty!

1088
01:34:29,711 --> 01:34:33,036
You're all... so... dirty!

1089
01:34:36,791 --> 01:34:38,284
It's all over, Doctor.

1090
01:34:39,439 --> 01:34:40,761
You're all alone.

1091
01:36:02,239 --> 01:36:03,509
you know, Loogi...

1092
01:36:05,847 --> 01:36:09,031
I'm fed up playing your mother.
The job's much too tiring.

1093
01:36:11,124 --> 01:36:14,951
- You kept your cool, Babette.
- I was a cop once. I know the score.

1094
01:36:16,099 --> 01:36:18,825
What will you do now?
- Dunno.

1095
01:36:18,985 --> 01:36:24,047
My bra is killing me, my wig itches
and my balls are still tight as a fist.

1096
01:36:31,638 --> 01:36:32,971
You were great!

1097
01:36:33,224 --> 01:36:37,425
- Just like old times!
- Except you weren't so pretty then.

1098
01:36:37,683 --> 01:36:41,030
I think you've earned yourself a break,
Macaroni.

1099
01:36:42,200 --> 01:36:45,635
I don't want to see you at work
for at least 4 weeks.

1100
01:36:47,990 --> 01:36:50,067
I won't be back at all, sir.

1101
01:36:51,360 --> 01:36:55,784
I've had enough of this job.
- but you're the best man I've got.

1102
01:36:56,243 --> 01:36:58,267
You just have to know when to stop.

1103
01:36:58,520 --> 01:37:02,494
Has anyone told you how sexy you look
hanging over a condom-filled pool?

1104
01:37:02,654 --> 01:37:06,479
- Don't give me that, Bob.
- Sorry, I forgot you're homophobic.

1105
01:37:06,677 --> 01:37:08,700
- Homo what?
- Homophobic!

1106
01:37:09,123 --> 01:37:13,233
After Luigi's sermon on the Mount,
nobody can have anything against gays.

1107
01:37:14,666 --> 01:37:18,447
We should all be happy to have something
between our legs, whatever we do.

1108
01:37:19,161 --> 01:37:21,695
Take a few days off
and we'll talk about it then.

1109
01:37:22,112 --> 01:37:23,070
Look out, sir!

1110
01:37:27,977 --> 01:37:30,980
You're a cop through and through!

1111
01:37:32,012 --> 01:37:33,287
You'll be back.

1112
01:37:33,769 --> 01:37:34,990
Who knows, sir?

1113
01:37:40,488 --> 01:37:44,288
Either way, I'm outta here.
I could use a relaxing bath.

1114
01:37:44,448 --> 01:37:45,828
Great idea!

1115
01:37:46,528 --> 01:37:50,608
I have an enormous bathtub at home
and pine-scented bath oil.

1116
01:38:08,327 --> 01:38:10,017
What now?

1117
01:38:11,428 --> 01:38:13,406
I'm hungry. Let's get something to eat.

1118
01:38:13,998 --> 01:38:16,339
OK, but not Italian.

1119
01:38:16,738 --> 01:38:20,764
But I know a great place to eat,
with the world's best pasta and sauces.

1120
01:38:21,185 --> 01:38:25,123
Really? - Yes, it isn't far from here.
Just straight across the ocean.

1121
01:38:25,677 --> 01:38:29,165
Sicily is closer than you think.
- Are you serious?

1122
01:38:29,913 --> 01:38:31,556
Sure I am.

1123
01:38:32,239 --> 01:38:33,851
We have enough time.

1124
01:38:35,233 --> 01:38:36,908
Ever been to Europe before?

1125
01:38:37,667 --> 01:38:38,520
- No.

1126
01:38:38,930 --> 01:38:42,289
There you go.
I'll show you my home.

1127
01:38:43,189 --> 01:38:44,786
I'll show you Etna

1128
01:38:45,189 --> 01:38:46,421
 and my mother.

1129
01:38:47,227 --> 01:38:48,514
Will she like that?

1130
01:38:48,950 --> 01:38:49,803
No.

1131
01:38:50,746 --> 01:38:53,857
But we needn't tell her
you're not a virgin anymore!

1132
01:38:56,448 --> 01:38:58,370
You really wanna resign from the force?

1133
01:38:59,081 --> 01:39:00,184
I'm not sure.

1134
01:39:01,204 --> 01:39:04,460
It would have one disadvantage, though.
- What's that?

1135
01:39:05,209 --> 01:39:08,713
You'd never call me Cop again,
and I like it when you do.

1136
01:39:09,114 --> 01:39:11,626
I promise I'll always call you Cop.

1137
01:39:12,332 --> 01:39:13,401
Really?

1138
01:39:15,138 --> 01:39:16,341
Say it again.

1139
01:39:16,688 --> 01:39:17,537
Cop.

1140
01:39:19,735 --> 01:39:20,727
Again.

1141
01:39:21,285 --> 01:39:22,215
Cop.

1142
01:39:25,770 --> 01:39:26,795
Again!

1143
01:39:27,722 --> 01:39:28,650
Cop.

1144
01:39:30,601 --> 01:39:31,691
Again.

1145
01:39:32,497 --> 01:39:33,939
Kiss me, Cop!