1 00:00:22,095 --> 00:00:25,096 ("Living in the USA " by the Steve Miller Band) 2 00:01:02,510 --> 00:01:04,633 Brass! 3 00:01:10,142 --> 00:01:11,601 Livin' in the USA 4 00:01:11,727 --> 00:01:15,392 (male radio presenter) This is WBXT, the voice of Fort Baxter. 5 00:01:15,564 --> 00:01:19,609 All personnel are invited to join Sergeant Bilko in the motor pool... 6 00:01:19,735 --> 00:01:22,605 ... for a demonstration of proper spark-plug maintenance... 7 00:01:22,738 --> 00:01:28,361 ... today at 0420, 0530 and 1455. 8 00:01:28,494 --> 00:01:32,787 Those times again. 0420, 0530 and 1455. 9 00:01:32,915 --> 00:01:34,872 - Did you win? - Nope. 10 00:01:41,089 --> 00:01:43,248 Private Wally Holbrook reporting for duty. 11 00:01:43,383 --> 00:01:45,175 - First assignment? - Yes. 12 00:01:45,302 --> 00:01:48,219 - Relax. Know where you're assigned? - Motor pool. 13 00:01:48,347 --> 00:01:50,553 - OK. Motor pool? - Yes, I... 14 00:01:50,682 --> 00:01:53,767 - You're going straight to the colonel. - Colonel? What'd I do? 15 00:01:55,062 --> 00:01:57,813 - How old are you, son? - Nineteen, sir. 16 00:01:57,939 --> 00:02:00,312 Nineteen... So young. 17 00:02:00,442 --> 00:02:03,229 I'm a first-rate mechanic. My two uncles owned a garage. 18 00:02:03,361 --> 00:02:04,690 - Got any money? - Yes, sir. 19 00:02:04,821 --> 00:02:06,102 - Give it to me. - But... 20 00:02:06,239 --> 00:02:08,196 It's all right. 21 00:02:12,704 --> 00:02:16,571 - My word, there must be $500 in here. - 700. See, I worked at my uncle's... 22 00:02:16,708 --> 00:02:20,077 You're going to take $700 in cash into Bilko's barracks? 23 00:02:20,587 --> 00:02:23,707 - Yes, sir. Who, sir? - Give me your hat, please. 24 00:02:24,591 --> 00:02:28,671 Sergeant Bilko. Master Sergeant Ernest G Bilko. 25 00:02:29,763 --> 00:02:33,096 - Well, good luck. And Godspeed. - Thank you, sir. 26 00:02:33,224 --> 00:02:36,889 Remember, if you need anything at all, need any help... 27 00:02:37,020 --> 00:02:40,638 ...the old colonel's door is always open. - Thank you, sir. 28 00:02:41,316 --> 00:02:44,731 - Sir? - (whistles) 29 00:02:58,791 --> 00:03:02,575 - I'm lookin' for Sergeant Bilko. - You're too late, junior, no more bets. 30 00:03:02,712 --> 00:03:06,377 - No, no, no. I'm reporting in. - Come on, Duane! Pull! 31 00:03:06,507 --> 00:03:09,176 Dig deep, baby! 32 00:03:12,555 --> 00:03:14,512 Come on! Come on! 33 00:03:15,433 --> 00:03:17,390 Come on! Come on! 34 00:03:41,208 --> 00:03:44,209 He's got the wrong shoes! Doberman's wearing the wrong shoes. 35 00:03:44,336 --> 00:03:47,752 He's got no traction. And this horse! 36 00:03:47,881 --> 00:03:52,342 This horse was not this lively this morning. I want it drug tested now! 37 00:03:52,469 --> 00:03:55,803 Someone, quick. Get a urine bottle and a mop. 38 00:04:02,187 --> 00:04:04,429 Hey! What's goin' on? 39 00:04:06,567 --> 00:04:09,982 It's Private Doberman. He's the one who looks sort of human. 40 00:04:10,112 --> 00:04:13,196 Last night in the gym, Doberman said "I feel as strong as a horse." 41 00:04:13,323 --> 00:04:16,775 Some guy from company P overheard him and said "Yeah? For how much?" 42 00:04:16,910 --> 00:04:20,860 It's the golden rule. You don't say nothing unless you're prepared to back it up. 43 00:04:20,997 --> 00:04:26,122 No, no, not across the line. Don't go across. Back. Just, back. Back. 44 00:04:43,436 --> 00:04:46,188 - Are you OK, Duane? - Sarge, I can't do this any more! 45 00:04:46,314 --> 00:04:49,315 You did your best, Duane. What's money, anyway? 46 00:04:49,442 --> 00:04:53,440 So, Bilko, I finally won one. Pay up. 47 00:04:53,571 --> 00:04:55,528 (Bilko sighs) 48 00:04:56,741 --> 00:04:59,030 - Hurry up. - Oh, so now we're on a schedule? 49 00:04:59,285 --> 00:05:02,986 - Shall we go once more? - Sarge! Please, no more. No more, Sarge. 50 00:05:03,122 --> 00:05:05,495 Don't worry. I won't put you through that again. 51 00:05:05,625 --> 00:05:09,539 - He's finished. He's a loser. - No one calls one of Bilko's men a loser. 52 00:05:09,671 --> 00:05:13,882 I oughta... Hold me back! Aah. No, no! Let me go! I'll kill him. 53 00:05:14,008 --> 00:05:17,211 - You wanna double the bet? - Double the bet? Ha! You're serious. 54 00:05:17,345 --> 00:05:20,381 - Sarge, no. - What's the matter, Ernie? Scared? 55 00:05:20,515 --> 00:05:23,599 Sarge, please. That's all the platoon's money-every cent. 56 00:05:23,726 --> 00:05:27,973 This is beyond money now. This is a matter of honour. OK, the bet is 1,000. 57 00:05:28,356 --> 00:05:30,348 Sucker. 58 00:05:30,483 --> 00:05:32,855 (Bilko's men) Yeah! 59 00:05:33,361 --> 00:05:35,270 Hey, you can't do that, man. 60 00:05:35,780 --> 00:05:38,068 - Ready, Duane? - Sure, Sarge. 61 00:05:38,199 --> 00:05:40,950 See? He was just rollin' up the bet. 62 00:05:42,536 --> 00:05:44,328 He's like a god. 63 00:05:57,635 --> 00:05:59,960 Duane! Duane! Duane! 64 00:06:00,095 --> 00:06:04,841 Duane! Duane! Duane! Duane! Duane! Duane! 65 00:06:26,914 --> 00:06:28,990 Yeah! Yeah! 66 00:06:34,630 --> 00:06:36,871 Walk him around and wipe him down. 67 00:06:38,175 --> 00:06:40,333 Not the horse! Doberman. 68 00:06:41,303 --> 00:06:44,506 Listen, that M2 Bradley vehicle is property of the US Army. 69 00:06:44,639 --> 00:06:49,301 I want it back on the post by tonight. We have rules! Rules and regulations. 70 00:06:52,063 --> 00:06:54,519 I have your rental agreement right here. 71 00:06:54,649 --> 00:06:58,101 And if you blow anything up, it's coming out of your deposit. 72 00:06:58,236 --> 00:07:01,107 Teenagers! So irresponsible. 73 00:07:01,239 --> 00:07:04,193 - Sarge, you said I could count the take. - She got to count it last time. 74 00:07:04,326 --> 00:07:07,362 Will you stop fighting? It's like I'm running a daycare centre. 75 00:07:07,495 --> 00:07:11,160 Actually, that's not a bad idea. We could keep 'em in the storeroom. 76 00:07:11,291 --> 00:07:15,454 - Luis, how many kids on the post? - Personal dependants under five? 77 00:07:15,587 --> 00:07:18,504 - 293. - Get me the total of their allowances. 78 00:07:18,631 --> 00:07:21,835 - Hey, in the storeroom? Kids? - Zimmy, they won't die. 79 00:07:21,968 --> 00:07:25,004 In fact, that'll be our motto: "They won't die." 80 00:07:25,138 --> 00:07:29,136 I'll count the money. Rocky, make sure the horse gets back to Knott's Berry Farm. 81 00:07:29,267 --> 00:07:33,015 Private First Class Holbrook, Walter T, reporting in for duty, Sergeant! 82 00:07:33,146 --> 00:07:35,138 Sarge, Holbrook is a tech-school terror. 83 00:07:35,273 --> 00:07:37,942 First in his class, motor-vehicle maintenance. 84 00:07:38,067 --> 00:07:40,309 A real live wrench-turner in the motor pool? 85 00:07:40,445 --> 00:07:44,988 It's so crazy, it just might work. I'll introduce you to the boys and girls. 86 00:07:45,116 --> 00:07:47,488 - (Bilko sniffs) - What's the matter, Sarge? 87 00:07:47,618 --> 00:07:50,572 Don't you smell it? It's money. 88 00:07:53,458 --> 00:07:57,538 This is Sgt Henshaw and Sgt Barbella. You'll see them about dances, raffles. 89 00:07:57,670 --> 00:08:00,375 You'll get your tickets through them. They run the shop. 90 00:08:00,506 --> 00:08:04,456 So if you need stationery, magazines... But not magazine subscriptions. 91 00:08:04,594 --> 00:08:06,253 See Morales about that. Towels... 92 00:08:06,387 --> 00:08:10,467 - Towels? Doesn't the army issue towels? - Army? Get him a set of towels. 93 00:08:10,599 --> 00:08:14,051 The fluffy ones. The introductory price. Come on. 94 00:08:14,353 --> 00:08:16,725 Place your bets, ladies and gentlemen. 95 00:08:18,232 --> 00:08:21,648 This is Dino Paparelli. You're gonna laugh, you're gonna cry. 96 00:08:21,777 --> 00:08:24,149 You're gonna love this scrappy little Italian. 97 00:08:24,280 --> 00:08:27,234 - Hiya. - Sam Fender. His motto in life is simple: 98 00:08:27,408 --> 00:08:29,863 ..."An indictment is not a conviction." - Damn straight. 99 00:08:29,994 --> 00:08:32,745 That's manly talk. Mickey Zimmerman. 100 00:08:32,871 --> 00:08:36,371 Tragically, Zimmerman was born without a personality. 101 00:08:36,500 --> 00:08:38,706 - Hello. - Luis Clemente. 102 00:08:38,961 --> 00:08:41,630 This guy is smart, very smart. He has an IQ. 103 00:08:41,755 --> 00:08:44,626 - Hello. - See what I mean? 104 00:08:44,758 --> 00:08:47,545 Tony Morales. The only thing you need to know about him... 105 00:08:47,678 --> 00:08:50,632 ...is he doesn't take showers because it fogs up the mirror. 106 00:08:50,764 --> 00:08:55,640 Finally, the man of the hour, the master of disaster, the king of the universe - 107 00:08:55,769 --> 00:09:00,396 ...look out, girls, he hates to dine alone - Private Duane Doberman! 108 00:09:00,524 --> 00:09:01,603 Aw, Sarge. 109 00:09:01,733 --> 00:09:06,691 Doberman doesn't take showers either, but for a much more frightening reason. 110 00:09:07,656 --> 00:09:10,361 My orders, Sergeant. 111 00:09:10,492 --> 00:09:13,695 Everything seems to be in order. Henshaw will take your bags. 112 00:09:13,829 --> 00:09:15,786 Don't worry, he's bonded. Got a licence? 113 00:09:15,914 --> 00:09:18,239 - A driver's licence? - We can make one up. 114 00:09:18,375 --> 00:09:21,957 - Henshaw, get the camera! - No, no. I have a licence. It's right here. 115 00:09:22,087 --> 00:09:24,459 My wallet. 116 00:09:24,589 --> 00:09:28,005 Oh, here it is. Empty. It's in your hat, isn't it? 117 00:09:28,552 --> 00:09:35,053 Good boy. Oh. Oh, there must be six... no, seven hundred dollars in here. Good. 118 00:09:35,725 --> 00:09:38,216 Well, you can start with this. The colonel's car. 119 00:09:38,353 --> 00:09:40,974 - OK, what's wrong with it? - It's the odometer. 120 00:09:41,106 --> 00:09:44,640 It says 12,000 miles, and it should say 11,000 miles. 121 00:09:44,776 --> 00:09:48,476 Tony drove it to Lake Tahoe to go to his grandmother's funeral. 122 00:09:48,613 --> 00:09:51,069 - I'm sorry. - When I say that... 123 00:09:51,241 --> 00:09:56,483 ...I mean "visit his niece". And when I say "niece", I mean lady friend? 124 00:09:57,455 --> 00:10:00,622 Look. I'm winking. Look at my eye. 125 00:10:00,750 --> 00:10:04,119 - You want me to turn that back? - (gasps) Yes. 126 00:10:04,462 --> 00:10:07,997 - I can't do that, Sergeant. - "Can't"! He said "can't"! 127 00:10:08,132 --> 00:10:10,339 Sarge, are you all right? 128 00:10:10,468 --> 00:10:13,718 Hey, man, "can't" is a four-letter word in this platoon. 129 00:10:13,846 --> 00:10:16,420 I cannot violate regulations, unless it's an order... 130 00:10:16,557 --> 00:10:20,685 ...in which case I would have to ask Master Sergeant Bilko to sign said order. 131 00:10:20,812 --> 00:10:24,145 I'm asking you to do Tony here a favour. We're all like family here. 132 00:10:24,273 --> 00:10:26,349 Any one of these men would take a bullet for you. 133 00:10:26,484 --> 00:10:30,481 - Well, not in the chest. - No, not in the chest, but in the thigh. 134 00:10:30,613 --> 00:10:35,156 - Permission to speak freely? - What, are we in Russia? Say anything. 135 00:10:35,284 --> 00:10:37,775 You're soldiers. Guardians of freedom. 136 00:10:37,912 --> 00:10:43,202 And frankly, I don't think there's a man here taking his service oath seriously. 137 00:10:43,334 --> 00:10:46,085 You know what? I'm gonna kill him. 138 00:10:46,212 --> 00:10:47,587 Fender! 139 00:10:52,676 --> 00:10:55,843 Now, this is the stuff they should be teaching in the army. 140 00:10:55,971 --> 00:10:58,593 - They are. - No kidding? 141 00:11:02,728 --> 00:11:06,642 Here's a mouldy oldie for all our friends in the motor pool. 142 00:11:09,026 --> 00:11:11,065 ("No Particular Place to Go" by Chuck Berry) 143 00:11:11,195 --> 00:11:14,611 Ridin' along in my automobile 144 00:11:14,740 --> 00:11:17,147 My baby beside me at the wheel 145 00:11:18,494 --> 00:11:20,570 I stole a kiss at the turn of a mile 146 00:11:20,996 --> 00:11:22,111 Brass! 147 00:11:22,247 --> 00:11:25,782 My curiosity runnin' wild 148 00:11:25,918 --> 00:11:29,452 Cruisin' and playin' the radio 149 00:11:29,588 --> 00:11:32,873 With no particular place to go 150 00:11:33,342 --> 00:11:35,879 Ridin' along in my automobile 151 00:11:37,054 --> 00:11:39,379 I was anxious to tell her the way I feel 152 00:11:40,724 --> 00:11:43,476 So I told her softly and sincere 153 00:11:44,436 --> 00:11:47,223 And she leaned and whispered in my ear 154 00:11:48,315 --> 00:11:51,269 Cuddlin' more and drivin' slow 155 00:11:52,110 --> 00:11:53,189 With no particular place to go 156 00:11:53,320 --> 00:11:56,735 - Sarge, where can we hide the horse? - What horse? 157 00:12:01,494 --> 00:12:04,910 All right, men! Faster. The army needs these vehicles. 158 00:12:08,960 --> 00:12:10,917 Bilko? 159 00:12:13,882 --> 00:12:15,625 Sergeant. 160 00:12:15,758 --> 00:12:17,668 Sergeant Bilko! 161 00:12:17,802 --> 00:12:21,551 Fall in, men, now! And get into a semicircle or a rectangle, now! 162 00:12:21,681 --> 00:12:23,638 Hut! Hey! 163 00:12:33,985 --> 00:12:36,606 Very good. As you were. 164 00:12:37,488 --> 00:12:39,362 He means go back to what you were doing. 165 00:12:39,490 --> 00:12:42,906 Colonel Hall, you look fantastic, sir. Have you lost weight? 166 00:12:43,035 --> 00:12:45,324 Why, a couple of pounds maybe. 167 00:12:45,997 --> 00:12:47,954 Nell and I have been "sweating to the oldies". 168 00:12:48,082 --> 00:12:51,332 - Ah. - Sergeant, I'm here to see about my car. 169 00:12:51,460 --> 00:12:54,082 Ah, well, I'm afraid we're still working on it, sir. 170 00:12:54,213 --> 00:12:57,962 - You've had it a week and a half. - I thought I saw it on Interstate 30. 171 00:12:58,092 --> 00:13:01,259 There. Thank God I have a witness. Thank you, Captain Moon. 172 00:13:01,387 --> 00:13:04,222 And the colonel thinks I never test-drive the vehicles. 173 00:13:04,348 --> 00:13:06,341 What is that? 174 00:13:06,475 --> 00:13:09,761 That's horse shit, sir. I tell the men "You have to test-drive..." 175 00:13:09,895 --> 00:13:12,600 - What's it doing there? - It keeps the flies off the food. 176 00:13:12,731 --> 00:13:15,519 There's no way you can tell what's wrong with an engine... 177 00:13:15,651 --> 00:13:17,608 - Off the food? - It's an experiment. 178 00:13:17,736 --> 00:13:19,729 I'd say the results are mixed. 179 00:13:26,370 --> 00:13:28,825 It's a lot cheaper than sending out for it, sir. 180 00:13:28,956 --> 00:13:31,162 And fresher too. 181 00:13:31,291 --> 00:13:33,865 Bilko, are you mental? This is not the horse cavalry. 182 00:13:34,002 --> 00:13:37,288 - You can't bring livestock onto the post. - You're right, sir. 183 00:13:37,423 --> 00:13:41,088 You heard the colonel. Assemble horse platoon and get the horse out of here! 184 00:13:41,218 --> 00:13:45,761 - All right, double-time, soldier. - Sergeant, please, tell me about my car. 185 00:13:46,723 --> 00:13:48,882 - Do you know anything about cars, sir? - No. 186 00:13:49,017 --> 00:13:53,513 Ah. Well, you see that sort of pointy thing right there? 187 00:13:53,647 --> 00:13:57,894 It seems that it's impinging on the browned, round thing with the spots. 188 00:13:58,026 --> 00:14:01,478 - You see, when Henry Ford first... - Colonel Hall. 189 00:14:02,531 --> 00:14:05,318 - Corporal, what is it? - Permission to speak privately? 190 00:14:05,450 --> 00:14:07,739 - Of course. Excuse me, Bilko. - Absolutely. 191 00:14:07,869 --> 00:14:10,407 - What is it, Corporal? - The Pentagon called. 192 00:14:10,539 --> 00:14:13,493 The Pentagon? How did they get my number? 193 00:14:13,625 --> 00:14:17,409 They're sending a team to observe tomorrow's hovertank test. 194 00:14:17,587 --> 00:14:22,878 - Why? It's just a preliminary... Aah. - What is it, sir? 195 00:14:23,009 --> 00:14:26,176 Well, they're closing a lot of military facilities lately. 196 00:14:26,304 --> 00:14:28,593 What if they're planning to close Fort Baxter? 197 00:14:28,723 --> 00:14:31,558 - Do you know anything about this? - You flatter me. 198 00:14:31,685 --> 00:14:36,643 - How could l, a mere master sergeant...? - You know everything before I do. 199 00:14:36,773 --> 00:14:41,316 I'm sure it's just routine, sir. Anyway, come back any time. Call first. 200 00:14:41,903 --> 00:14:45,568 I tell you, men, serving under a great leader like Colonel Hall... 201 00:14:45,698 --> 00:14:47,490 - He's gone. - I'm hungry. What time is it? 202 00:14:47,617 --> 00:14:49,656 12 o'clock. We ordered Chinese. 203 00:14:49,911 --> 00:14:53,529 - Pentagon brass, Sarge? I don't like it. - Relax. It's just army stuff. 204 00:14:53,665 --> 00:14:55,823 It's got nothing to do with us. 205 00:14:56,501 --> 00:14:58,789 - Did you say 12 o'clock? - Yeah. 206 00:14:58,920 --> 00:15:01,208 - Today's Saturday? - All day. 207 00:15:01,339 --> 00:15:06,843 Saturday at noon. I have a strange feeling I'm supposed to be somewhere. 208 00:15:08,763 --> 00:15:09,925 Hmm. 209 00:15:10,056 --> 00:15:12,013 (organ plays) 210 00:15:12,141 --> 00:15:14,098 I'll kill him. 211 00:15:22,944 --> 00:15:25,316 - Poker game? - No, no. 212 00:15:25,738 --> 00:15:29,237 - Racetrack. - No, no. It was something else. 213 00:15:31,869 --> 00:15:33,862 (sighs) 214 00:15:33,996 --> 00:15:36,617 My, that's a lovely dress. 215 00:15:36,749 --> 00:15:38,991 - Thank you, Reverend. - Is it new? 216 00:15:39,126 --> 00:15:42,827 No, I wore it the last time the lying shit-heel stood me up. 217 00:15:42,963 --> 00:15:44,126 Ah. 218 00:15:44,256 --> 00:15:46,213 (brakes screech) 219 00:15:59,438 --> 00:16:00,718 (horn blares) 220 00:16:06,403 --> 00:16:08,977 Give me the ring. You were the best man last time. 221 00:16:09,114 --> 00:16:12,068 - He didn't get married last time! - It's my turn! 222 00:16:12,201 --> 00:16:15,949 - How you gonna be best man? - Just give me the ring! 223 00:16:19,207 --> 00:16:22,991 - But you can't hate him, you know? - I can hate him. I hate him right now. 224 00:16:23,128 --> 00:16:25,085 Sweetheart... 225 00:16:26,298 --> 00:16:28,967 Where are you going? Nobody leave. 226 00:16:29,092 --> 00:16:34,335 You came to see me get married. You're going to - I don't particularly care who to. 227 00:16:36,099 --> 00:16:38,056 Sweetheart! I know you're upset... 228 00:16:38,185 --> 00:16:40,972 Daddy, stay out of this. I know what I'm doing. 229 00:16:41,897 --> 00:16:43,391 - Nelson. - Huh? 230 00:16:43,523 --> 00:16:46,477 Are you busy? Will you marry me? I love you. 231 00:16:46,610 --> 00:16:48,982 I just never realised it until now. 232 00:16:50,030 --> 00:16:54,775 Well, the thing is, Rita, I'm engaged... to your sister. 233 00:16:56,036 --> 00:16:57,993 And? 234 00:17:02,834 --> 00:17:04,791 (bell tolls) 235 00:17:12,594 --> 00:17:15,167 Don't ask. Don't even ask. 236 00:17:17,765 --> 00:17:19,343 OK, ask. 237 00:17:19,684 --> 00:17:22,056 Bunny face, you won't believe what happened. 238 00:17:22,186 --> 00:17:27,429 There was this busload of sweet geriatrics. They went rolling down a mountain side... 239 00:17:27,567 --> 00:17:29,606 Do you think I'm an idiot? 240 00:17:30,069 --> 00:17:35,064 Ask Wally. He's new, a real straight arrow, never told a lie in his life. Wally? 241 00:17:36,951 --> 00:17:38,659 See? 242 00:17:38,786 --> 00:17:41,075 Sweetheart, sweetheart... 243 00:17:41,205 --> 00:17:43,743 Oh, baby... angel puff, you're overreacting! 244 00:17:43,875 --> 00:17:48,168 - You know, it's... Ooh! Bad turnout. - It was full an hour ago. 245 00:17:48,296 --> 00:17:51,581 Oh, sweetie, I... (gasps) I'm well! 246 00:17:52,258 --> 00:17:54,381 Sweetie, what can I do to make it up to you? 247 00:17:54,510 --> 00:17:56,752 Whaddaya want? Just tell me. I'll do anything. 248 00:17:56,887 --> 00:17:59,046 I've been waiting for seven years. 249 00:17:59,306 --> 00:18:03,684 What do I want? I want my seven years back. I can't live like this, Ernie. 250 00:18:03,894 --> 00:18:06,646 I've got a maid of honour on call 24 hours a day. 251 00:18:06,772 --> 00:18:11,101 And I'm the only woman with a wedding dress that's falling apart from wear. 252 00:18:11,861 --> 00:18:14,897 - I'm sorry. - I think you love me, Ernie. 253 00:18:15,030 --> 00:18:19,158 But you're so slippery, it's impossible to know what you're thinking. 254 00:18:19,285 --> 00:18:21,194 Well, thank you. 255 00:18:21,328 --> 00:18:24,744 I don't understand what you're so afraid of. 256 00:18:24,873 --> 00:18:27,578 You know what I wanna do right here, right now? 257 00:18:27,710 --> 00:18:29,667 No. Don't. 258 00:18:32,714 --> 00:18:35,205 No. No, not this time. 259 00:18:36,093 --> 00:18:38,844 - Don't, please. - One game, to 500. 260 00:18:40,430 --> 00:18:42,886 Don't. Please don't. 261 00:18:43,934 --> 00:18:46,092 Spade. It's a double. 262 00:18:47,646 --> 00:18:49,769 Triple boxes, to 500. Penny a point. 263 00:18:50,440 --> 00:18:53,062 - A four? - Yes. 264 00:18:54,277 --> 00:18:57,362 Oh, two. Yeah. Come on. Here. Go, go, go. 265 00:19:06,289 --> 00:19:08,246 What's up? 266 00:19:09,167 --> 00:19:13,663 Well, Rocky and I were talkin' to Wally while you and Rita were in the church. 267 00:19:13,797 --> 00:19:16,466 She's a nice girl. We don't like the way you treat her. 268 00:19:16,591 --> 00:19:19,047 He's right, Sarge. You treat her like a rube. 269 00:19:19,177 --> 00:19:22,380 - Wouldn't you be happier in the navy? - You jilted that girl. 270 00:19:22,514 --> 00:19:24,802 She'll probably have to move to another town. 271 00:19:24,933 --> 00:19:27,637 Will you relax? Rita and I have a special relationship. 272 00:19:27,769 --> 00:19:30,805 You think she expected me to marry her today? Of course not. 273 00:19:30,939 --> 00:19:33,726 She expected me to do just what I did. It's a game. 274 00:19:33,983 --> 00:19:36,355 Someday you might lose that game, Ernie. 275 00:19:59,092 --> 00:20:01,927 Very good, men. Make sure it's tight. 276 00:20:02,428 --> 00:20:05,097 - Tight? - Whatever. 277 00:20:05,223 --> 00:20:08,342 So, Major Ebersole, tomorrow's the big day. 278 00:20:08,476 --> 00:20:11,975 - How's she look? - I hope it won't be too humiliating, sir. 279 00:20:12,396 --> 00:20:14,104 What's supposed to happen? 280 00:20:14,231 --> 00:20:17,850 Well, theoretically, and I wouldn't bet the farm... 281 00:20:18,569 --> 00:20:23,908 ...the hovertank will lift off and hover several inches above the pond. 282 00:20:24,033 --> 00:20:27,947 - Good. Very good. - Yeah. Then it will engage the targets... 283 00:20:28,078 --> 00:20:31,697 ...the... the cannon. Boom. The ammunition dump. Kaboom. 284 00:20:31,832 --> 00:20:34,074 That truck. Boom. 285 00:20:34,210 --> 00:20:38,338 Excellent. One thought. Maybe it should be: boom, boom... 286 00:20:38,464 --> 00:20:40,255 ... then kaboom. 287 00:20:41,467 --> 00:20:45,678 You know, save that "kaboom" for the very last? Kind of like a "hoo-ah" grand finale. 288 00:20:45,804 --> 00:20:47,714 What do you think? 289 00:20:49,391 --> 00:20:52,226 - I'll make a note of it, sir. - Good. 290 00:20:54,063 --> 00:20:56,933 - Missed me. Now run! - Ow! 291 00:20:57,065 --> 00:20:59,556 - Yeah. Gotcha. - Hey, there goes the sarge, man. 292 00:20:59,693 --> 00:21:01,650 Sarge! 293 00:21:02,029 --> 00:21:05,398 - Hey, Dobie, come on, let's go. - Sarge, you get married yet? 294 00:21:05,532 --> 00:21:08,652 - Not yet. - How did Rita take it this time? 295 00:21:08,785 --> 00:21:10,944 Oh, she's happy. She took 40 bucks off me in a gin game. 296 00:21:11,079 --> 00:21:12,324 Oh, she's great! 297 00:21:12,456 --> 00:21:15,955 Paparelli. How's tickets goin' for the "Meet Stormin' Norman" barbecue? 298 00:21:16,084 --> 00:21:18,124 - It's a sellout, Sarge. - Find a lookalike? 299 00:21:18,253 --> 00:21:20,044 - We found one. - Ahh. 300 00:21:20,172 --> 00:21:23,256 No wonder they call me a master sergeant. 301 00:21:24,092 --> 00:21:26,334 You know, things weren't always this good. 302 00:21:26,470 --> 00:21:30,716 When I first got my stripes at Fort Dix, I considered it my responsibility... 303 00:21:30,849 --> 00:21:35,641 ...to provide the hardworking men and women with some wholesome recreation. 304 00:21:36,938 --> 00:21:40,188 - You ran the gambling. - That's right, Fender. 305 00:21:40,317 --> 00:21:44,610 But there was this lieutenant there - Lieutenant Colin Thorn. 306 00:21:46,531 --> 00:21:51,691 A lunatic. I mean, real smooth on the outside, but underneath, barbed wire. 307 00:21:51,828 --> 00:21:53,737 He rode me like a jockey. 308 00:21:53,872 --> 00:21:56,742 Pools, raffles, card games - I couldn't do anything. 309 00:21:56,875 --> 00:21:59,282 It was like being in the army. 310 00:22:00,336 --> 00:22:03,123 (Bilko) All right, come on, baby. Let's go! 311 00:22:06,217 --> 00:22:07,296 Hi. 312 00:22:07,760 --> 00:22:11,343 Finally, I got a break. They held the division boxing finals at our post. 313 00:22:11,472 --> 00:22:14,343 You couldn't stop people from betting on it. 314 00:22:14,934 --> 00:22:18,184 It was a toss-up. Now, to me, that's just sloppy. 315 00:22:18,354 --> 00:22:22,767 I like a sporting event in which I know the outcome beforehand. It's more organised. 316 00:22:25,403 --> 00:22:27,360 (bike bell rings) 317 00:22:30,283 --> 00:22:33,699 I get to one of the pugilists and we reach a business accommodation. 318 00:22:33,828 --> 00:22:35,785 For a 50-50 split of our winnings... 319 00:22:35,913 --> 00:22:39,448 ... he agrees to give less than a supreme effort in the squared circle. 320 00:22:39,583 --> 00:22:43,035 - (Rocky) You paid him to take a dive. - (Bilko) 0f course. 321 00:22:44,714 --> 00:22:47,631 I had this corporal working for me - Leo Cletz. 322 00:22:58,394 --> 00:23:01,478 The night of the fight, I give him the money to pay off my fighter. 323 00:23:01,605 --> 00:23:05,354 Leo misunderstands and gives the money to the other fighter. 324 00:23:07,987 --> 00:23:12,814 This fighter's surprised, but figures "What the heck? It's a good price. I'll go down. " 325 00:23:12,950 --> 00:23:16,283 Meanwhile, my guy figures "Bilko meant I'll get the money later." 326 00:23:16,412 --> 00:23:20,112 - "No problem. I'll go down anyway." - So both think they're takin' a dive? 327 00:23:20,249 --> 00:23:22,787 - Exactly. - What happened? 328 00:23:22,918 --> 00:23:23,949 Boxing history. 329 00:23:48,819 --> 00:23:52,899 For three rounds, nobody hit anybody. It was a dance recital. 330 00:24:10,465 --> 00:24:15,293 Finally, I think out of boredom, one of the guys connected with a right. 331 00:24:18,973 --> 00:24:21,096 What the hell's goin' on here? 332 00:24:23,103 --> 00:24:25,890 Lieutenant Thorn took it as a personal insult. 333 00:24:26,022 --> 00:24:29,058 - You OK? Did it hurt? - Very cute. 334 00:24:38,117 --> 00:24:41,237 It looked like Thorn was paying off the fighter. 335 00:24:42,038 --> 00:24:43,662 He was cooked. 336 00:24:43,790 --> 00:24:48,083 They didn't have enough evidence for a court martial, but sent him to Greenland. 337 00:24:53,758 --> 00:24:56,759 Game, set and match - Bilko. 338 00:24:57,803 --> 00:25:00,211 - Some story, huh? - Permission to speak freely? 339 00:25:00,348 --> 00:25:04,345 - Again, permission. OK. - You dealt with him very dishonestly. 340 00:25:04,685 --> 00:25:07,010 Never mind that. What happened to him? Thorn. 341 00:25:07,355 --> 00:25:10,889 I don't know. I don't know what happened to him. 342 00:25:28,959 --> 00:25:34,036 Colonel John Hall, garrison commander. Welcome to Fort Baxter, Major. 343 00:25:38,927 --> 00:25:40,671 (bugle plays reveille) 344 00:25:49,313 --> 00:25:51,270 (snoring) 345 00:25:59,448 --> 00:26:01,654 Doberman! Wake up! 346 00:26:01,783 --> 00:26:03,741 (coughs and snorts) 347 00:26:10,667 --> 00:26:12,624 (bugle repeats reveille) 348 00:26:14,546 --> 00:26:16,503 (snoring) 349 00:26:37,402 --> 00:26:39,691 Come on, everyone! Up and at 'em! 350 00:26:40,155 --> 00:26:42,147 (all groan) 351 00:26:42,282 --> 00:26:45,817 Come on, guys, let's not miss one minute of this beautiful day. 352 00:26:45,952 --> 00:26:47,446 Hey! 353 00:26:48,705 --> 00:26:51,908 - Get outta here! - I'll get the sarge! 354 00:26:52,041 --> 00:26:54,283 That's it. Now you guys gonna be in trouble. 355 00:26:54,752 --> 00:26:56,710 (reveille) 356 00:27:02,594 --> 00:27:04,586 - Hey, Sarge! Get up. - What's the matter? 357 00:27:04,721 --> 00:27:09,217 Everybody take cover! Gather all the men! Man the battle stations and... 358 00:27:10,643 --> 00:27:12,137 What's that music? 359 00:27:24,657 --> 00:27:28,489 I understand, Major, this weapon system is in the experimental stage. 360 00:27:28,619 --> 00:27:32,154 But I think you'll be very impressed with the... noise it produces. 361 00:27:32,290 --> 00:27:35,125 It's a powerful piece of equipment. 362 00:27:35,251 --> 00:27:38,786 Colonel, I really urge you not to go ahead with this. 363 00:27:38,921 --> 00:27:41,756 Ah, Major Ebersole, Major Thorn. 364 00:27:41,882 --> 00:27:44,753 Major Ebersole is the brain behind the hovertank. 365 00:27:44,885 --> 00:27:47,092 He's the one really responsible. 366 00:27:48,889 --> 00:27:51,214 - Thank you, sir. - Can we get on with this? 367 00:27:51,350 --> 00:27:53,722 Of course. You good to go? 368 00:27:53,853 --> 00:27:56,225 All right. Let's light this candle. 369 00:27:57,398 --> 00:27:59,355 Hoo-ah! 370 00:28:00,192 --> 00:28:05,946 You know, with all the base closings and downsizing, people here have been jumpy. 371 00:28:06,073 --> 00:28:08,030 Ready, Colonel. 372 00:28:08,534 --> 00:28:10,906 (Hall) This is exciting. 373 00:28:22,798 --> 00:28:25,087 OK, start her up. 374 00:28:33,308 --> 00:28:35,265 (rattling) 375 00:28:44,903 --> 00:28:46,812 It still needs work. 376 00:29:06,549 --> 00:29:08,257 Fire. 377 00:29:13,264 --> 00:29:15,257 Of course. 378 00:29:17,393 --> 00:29:19,267 Get out! Watch out! 379 00:29:49,592 --> 00:29:53,340 Let's go, campers! It's 10am. Time to start the day. 380 00:29:55,848 --> 00:29:58,173 - Mornin', Sarge. - It's that time of the decade. 381 00:29:58,309 --> 00:30:00,218 - You're taking a shower. - Do I have to? 382 00:30:00,353 --> 00:30:04,481 Everyone feels pretty strongly about it. Here's the petition. 383 00:30:05,608 --> 00:30:07,684 Aw, Sarge. 384 00:30:10,112 --> 00:30:12,899 Why are you sitting there? You were full of energy at 6am. 385 00:30:13,032 --> 00:30:14,905 I don't think the guys like me. 386 00:30:15,034 --> 00:30:18,403 - Oh? What makes you say that? - They wrote me a note. 387 00:30:18,537 --> 00:30:21,622 "Wally, we don't like you." And they all signed it. 388 00:30:24,376 --> 00:30:28,125 - Yeah, that's Doberman's "X". - Can I please have another roommate? 389 00:30:28,255 --> 00:30:30,212 - Why, what's the matter? - He wet his bed. 390 00:30:30,341 --> 00:30:34,006 - Oh, well, once in a while. - No. He did it from across the room. 391 00:30:37,556 --> 00:30:40,343 Major, please! At least won't you stay for lunch? 392 00:30:40,476 --> 00:30:42,931 - Do you like chicken casserole? - No. 393 00:30:43,061 --> 00:30:45,517 Well, Major, let me be frank. 394 00:30:45,647 --> 00:30:49,182 A negative report from you would be the death knell for Fort Baxter. 395 00:30:49,318 --> 00:30:52,734 - We've been in a slump... - Nine years without a successful test? 396 00:30:52,863 --> 00:30:55,069 That's not a slump, that's a tradition. 397 00:30:55,198 --> 00:30:59,243 But, Major, think for a minute about the men, their careers. 398 00:30:59,369 --> 00:31:02,074 - My career. - Colonel, you play the hand you're dealt. 399 00:31:02,205 --> 00:31:04,957 This isn't the career I had in mind when I got out of OCS. 400 00:31:05,083 --> 00:31:07,788 Shining a seat with my ass in DC, visiting dumpy posts. 401 00:31:07,919 --> 00:31:10,410 I thought I'd be a colonel by now or maybe a general. 402 00:31:10,547 --> 00:31:14,592 Sorry. What I saw today was a dust cloud that cost $70 million. Good morning. 403 00:31:14,718 --> 00:31:19,344 Wait! There's a lot more to Fort Baxter than just R&D, Major. 404 00:31:19,472 --> 00:31:22,509 - We have an award-winning commissary. - Try the casserole. 405 00:31:22,642 --> 00:31:24,967 And our softball team won the division title. 406 00:31:25,103 --> 00:31:27,855 And Sergeant Bilko's platoon is in the glee club finals. 407 00:31:27,981 --> 00:31:30,139 I'll certainly keep that in mind. 408 00:31:38,783 --> 00:31:40,657 Did you say Bilko? 409 00:31:41,995 --> 00:31:43,868 Yeah. 410 00:31:43,997 --> 00:31:46,238 Is that Ernie Bilko? 411 00:31:47,375 --> 00:31:49,533 One and the same. 412 00:31:50,503 --> 00:31:52,579 Maybe I will stay for lunch. 413 00:31:52,880 --> 00:31:56,296 Well, hoo-ah! Ignite that chicken casserole, Captain Moon! 414 00:31:56,426 --> 00:31:58,299 Yes, sir! 415 00:32:12,525 --> 00:32:14,932 Now, where did that one go? 416 00:32:29,041 --> 00:32:31,959 - Hey, you're eight over par, Sarge! - Well, fix it. 417 00:32:32,086 --> 00:32:35,087 - Sarge, they let you do this? - I never asked. They'd say no. 418 00:32:35,214 --> 00:32:36,673 It is an army post. 419 00:32:36,799 --> 00:32:38,756 (dog barking) 420 00:32:44,390 --> 00:32:47,426 All right, I got 5-1 on Lover's Knot. 421 00:32:47,643 --> 00:32:51,094 - $20 says I can hit the parking lot. - I don't gamble. 422 00:32:51,855 --> 00:32:54,181 - What is it you do do? - Permission to speak... 423 00:32:54,316 --> 00:32:55,976 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go ahead. 424 00:32:56,110 --> 00:32:59,810 I get up every morning and I get dressed to protect the American way of life. 425 00:32:59,947 --> 00:33:04,075 Would you tell me that later tonight so I don't have to take a sleeping pill? 426 00:33:04,201 --> 00:33:06,028 (Thorn) Bilko! 427 00:33:06,161 --> 00:33:07,739 (whispers) It can't be. 428 00:33:08,789 --> 00:33:11,031 Lieutenant Thorn. 429 00:33:11,500 --> 00:33:15,794 - Actually, it's Major Thorn now. - Well, congratulations. 430 00:33:17,506 --> 00:33:21,456 I didn't know you were still in the service. I'd have looked you up long ago. 431 00:33:21,593 --> 00:33:22,507 I'll bet. 432 00:33:22,636 --> 00:33:26,680 Tell me, Colonel, is he still the same rascal he was at Fort Dix? 433 00:33:26,807 --> 00:33:29,677 - That's one way of putting it. - You changed my life. 434 00:33:29,810 --> 00:33:32,383 Remember that little boxing match? 435 00:33:32,729 --> 00:33:34,722 Boxing match... Hmm. 436 00:33:34,856 --> 00:33:38,854 That made me a new man. You remember how stiff and uptight I used to be? 437 00:33:38,985 --> 00:33:41,903 Thanks to him, I realised you can't treat people that way. 438 00:33:42,030 --> 00:33:44,486 I'm a better man for it. Thanks, Ernie. 439 00:33:44,616 --> 00:33:46,194 - Sure. - (dogs barking) 440 00:33:48,036 --> 00:33:49,779 - What was that? - Greyhounds, sir. 441 00:33:49,913 --> 00:33:52,486 - How long will you be with us, Major? - Not long. 442 00:33:52,624 --> 00:33:55,115 Colonel, what do you say we have that casserole? 443 00:33:55,251 --> 00:33:58,122 Absolutely, and some jellied yams as well. 444 00:33:58,254 --> 00:34:00,212 Ha. 445 00:34:01,966 --> 00:34:07,008 Let's get back to the barracks and cancel everything-dances, raffles, everything. 446 00:34:29,660 --> 00:34:31,819 God, I forgot it's the play-offs! 447 00:34:33,581 --> 00:34:36,154 Sarge! Here's the money from the blade rentals. 448 00:34:36,292 --> 00:34:39,910 Stop, stop! Put that away! Stop, everyone! Stop! 449 00:34:40,421 --> 00:34:43,956 Ridin' along in my automobile 450 00:34:44,091 --> 00:34:46,380 My baby beside me at the wheel 451 00:34:47,720 --> 00:34:50,555 I stole a kiss at the turn of a mile 452 00:34:51,349 --> 00:34:54,634 It's Hall with Major Thorn. Looks like a surprise inspection. 453 00:34:54,769 --> 00:34:58,766 An inspection? Now? Look at this place! 454 00:34:58,898 --> 00:35:01,270 - ETA, 90 seconds. - (Bilko) Think. Think. 455 00:35:01,567 --> 00:35:04,105 I've got to think. Where's Alpha company? 456 00:35:04,236 --> 00:35:06,229 Field exercises. 457 00:35:06,363 --> 00:35:08,439 So we parked way out on the Kokomo 458 00:35:10,201 --> 00:35:13,036 The night was young and the moon was gold 459 00:35:13,621 --> 00:35:16,159 So we both decided to take a stroll 460 00:35:17,791 --> 00:35:19,867 Can you imagine the way I felt? 461 00:35:21,295 --> 00:35:23,833 I couldn't unfasten her safety belt 462 00:35:25,007 --> 00:35:27,712 Cruisin' and playin' the radio 463 00:35:28,677 --> 00:35:31,548 With no particular place to go 464 00:35:41,356 --> 00:35:44,690 Um, which way are we... 465 00:35:45,235 --> 00:35:47,062 ...facing here? 466 00:35:47,195 --> 00:35:52,486 Uh, well... it would have to be this one here. 467 00:35:53,368 --> 00:35:56,820 Over hill, over dale we have hit the dusty trail 468 00:35:56,955 --> 00:36:00,454 As those caissons go rolling along 469 00:36:00,584 --> 00:36:04,284 And it's hi, hi, hee in the field artillery 470 00:36:04,629 --> 00:36:06,586 (Hall) Bilko. 471 00:36:07,048 --> 00:36:09,337 Ten-hut, platoon! 472 00:36:12,596 --> 00:36:15,466 - Major Thorn wants to see the barracks. - An inspection? 473 00:36:15,599 --> 00:36:18,268 I wish we had a little more time. We're not prepared. 474 00:36:18,393 --> 00:36:22,260 It just gives me a thrill to see what a first-rate top kick can do with a platoon. 475 00:36:22,397 --> 00:36:25,433 - Why don't they stand by their rooms? - Certainly. Sergeant? 476 00:36:25,567 --> 00:36:29,315 Really, sir, if the glee club misses practice, I won't be responsible... 477 00:36:29,446 --> 00:36:34,950 - I said now! - Hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut! 478 00:36:41,124 --> 00:36:43,200 - Is this your room, soldier? - Yes, sir. 479 00:36:43,334 --> 00:36:45,872 Follow me. 480 00:36:55,054 --> 00:36:57,011 Who's this? 481 00:36:58,474 --> 00:37:03,101 It's the cast of my favourite TV show, sir: The African-American Hour. 482 00:37:03,229 --> 00:37:05,305 Oh? I've never heard of it. 483 00:37:05,439 --> 00:37:10,018 It's on cable. See, it's funny, but it also makes you think. 484 00:37:11,821 --> 00:37:13,363 Ah. Hm. 485 00:37:39,765 --> 00:37:41,722 (toy squeaks) 486 00:37:50,317 --> 00:37:52,440 Are these yours? 487 00:37:52,986 --> 00:37:58,063 It is my understanding that you can no longer ask me these questions, sir. 488 00:37:59,493 --> 00:38:01,735 It's a new army, Major. 489 00:38:01,870 --> 00:38:03,946 We're all adjusting. 490 00:38:13,882 --> 00:38:15,839 (sniffs) 491 00:38:19,513 --> 00:38:21,137 - Whose bunk is this? - Uh, mine, sir. 492 00:38:21,264 --> 00:38:25,214 - That corner is not squared off! - What? I told you to make this bunk! 493 00:38:25,352 --> 00:38:29,563 Now, I don't want any of your excuses! Now, drop and give me 20! Ha! 494 00:38:32,567 --> 00:38:34,061 (grunts) 495 00:38:34,194 --> 00:38:36,899 All right. One. We're going for one. 496 00:38:37,822 --> 00:38:39,981 Colonel, you're a very courageous man. 497 00:38:40,116 --> 00:38:42,786 Oh! I saw a little combat duty in Kor... 498 00:38:43,411 --> 00:38:45,368 Courageous? What do you mean? 499 00:38:45,497 --> 00:38:49,031 Thumbing your nose at army regulations. But I guess your men come first. 500 00:38:49,167 --> 00:38:51,836 - And 20. - My men? First? 501 00:38:52,545 --> 00:38:55,630 - What does he mean, Bilko? - This soldier, sir. 502 00:38:55,757 --> 00:38:59,422 I'd say he's about 50 pounds over his maximum allowable weight. 503 00:38:59,552 --> 00:39:03,336 What are the chances of that being discovered and your being blamed? 504 00:39:03,473 --> 00:39:05,216 Blamed? 505 00:39:05,350 --> 00:39:08,267 Sergeant, I want him at regulation weight in six weeks. 506 00:39:08,394 --> 00:39:09,889 Yes, sir! 507 00:39:25,703 --> 00:39:28,787 Adelaide, of course we'll get married, sooner or later. 508 00:39:28,915 --> 00:39:32,959 Nathan Detroit, after 14 years, it is already too late to be sooner. 509 00:39:33,461 --> 00:39:37,624 I'm from Rhode Island, where people do not remain engaged for 14 years. 510 00:39:38,007 --> 00:39:41,376 - They get married. - Then why is it such a small state? 511 00:39:42,803 --> 00:39:45,425 Miss Robbins. I don't get it. 512 00:39:45,556 --> 00:39:49,933 Why would Adelaide stick around if he, like, disses her all the time? 513 00:39:50,061 --> 00:39:52,730 Doesn't she have any self-esteem? 514 00:39:52,855 --> 00:39:56,935 Well, that's a very interesting question. 515 00:39:57,067 --> 00:40:01,361 - (Bilko) Certainly is. - Ernie! What are you doing here? 516 00:40:01,614 --> 00:40:03,571 - Did you get the flowers I sent ya? - No. 517 00:40:03,699 --> 00:40:07,150 Darn. I'll call FedEx and have 'em put a trace on it. 518 00:40:07,286 --> 00:40:10,453 That's right, sweetheart. Nathan's a hustler. 519 00:40:10,581 --> 00:40:13,451 He's irresponsible, and he's careless with the truth. 520 00:40:13,584 --> 00:40:17,368 But the one thing he never lies about is how much he cares for Adelaide. 521 00:40:17,588 --> 00:40:19,995 See, that's his core, and she knows it. 522 00:40:20,132 --> 00:40:24,960 OK, let's take a break for ten minutes. And that was really good. 523 00:40:25,637 --> 00:40:27,595 Wonderful. 524 00:40:31,643 --> 00:40:36,804 Ernie, I've been thinking, and I don't think we should see each other any more. 525 00:40:36,940 --> 00:40:39,811 Sweetheart, you promised to go to the Rusty Spur with me. 526 00:40:39,943 --> 00:40:44,107 - You never give up, do you? - Come on. Come on, sweetheart... 527 00:40:44,239 --> 00:40:47,275 ...go to the Rusty Spur with me. It'd be like old times. 528 00:40:48,869 --> 00:40:53,531 All right, but you've got 30 days. If this finger is still naked in 30 days... 529 00:40:53,665 --> 00:40:55,622 ...it's adios, Pepe. 530 00:40:56,668 --> 00:41:01,496 I mean it this time. This is your last chance. 531 00:41:26,865 --> 00:41:29,190 Major. I'm Lieutenant Oster and this is... 532 00:41:29,325 --> 00:41:33,572 Lieutenant Monday. We're here from the Inspector General's Office, sir. 533 00:41:33,705 --> 00:41:38,165 I asked for the best number crunchers in the army! I hope that's what they sent! 534 00:41:38,293 --> 00:41:41,412 - If there's been any malfeasance... - Or embezzlement... 535 00:41:41,546 --> 00:41:42,791 We will find it. 536 00:41:42,922 --> 00:41:46,505 This guy we're going after's been feeding off the khaki tit for years. 537 00:41:46,634 --> 00:41:51,011 He's a master sergeant. His name is Ernie Bilko. Get him! 538 00:41:54,350 --> 00:41:57,137 - Forget it, Bilko. - But, sir, the moment my boys heard... 539 00:41:57,270 --> 00:41:59,974 ...about the desert manoeuvre, they volunteered. 540 00:42:00,106 --> 00:42:02,976 We still haven't got over being left out of Desert Storm. 541 00:42:03,109 --> 00:42:05,600 How the orders got crisscrossed, I'll never know. 542 00:42:05,736 --> 00:42:09,604 But if we could go on these manoeuvres, it would make up, in some small way... 543 00:42:09,740 --> 00:42:11,567 You must think I'm a nincompoop. 544 00:42:11,701 --> 00:42:14,618 A nincompoop? An NCP? On the contrary, sir. 545 00:42:14,745 --> 00:42:17,070 - I think you're one of the finest... - Las Vegas. 546 00:42:17,206 --> 00:42:19,958 - What, sir? - The desert manoeuvre will take place... 547 00:42:20,084 --> 00:42:22,409 ...15 miles from Las Vegas, Nevada. 548 00:42:22,545 --> 00:42:25,296 Really? I had no idea. Won't that be fun? 549 00:42:25,422 --> 00:42:29,669 - Lake Mead, Hoover Dam. - Forget it. You've got bigger problems. 550 00:42:29,802 --> 00:42:34,013 Two hatchet men - excuse me, hatchet persons - 551 00:42:34,139 --> 00:42:37,639 ...from the Inspector General's Office came to audit the motor pool accounts. 552 00:42:37,768 --> 00:42:40,685 - I wonder who tipped them off? - Yes, I wonder. 553 00:42:42,356 --> 00:42:45,440 (woman) Fort Baxter. How may I direct your call? Motor pool? 554 00:42:45,567 --> 00:42:50,443 Listen, Bilko, I might tell you this whole post is skating on thin ice with hot blades. 555 00:42:50,572 --> 00:42:52,565 Don't let them find anything. 556 00:42:52,699 --> 00:42:55,653 - Is the colonel suggesting a cover-up? - A cover-up? 557 00:42:55,786 --> 00:42:58,870 Why, no. Is there... anything to cover up? 558 00:42:59,790 --> 00:43:01,948 No... sir. 559 00:43:03,460 --> 00:43:06,129 Good. Then I'm not suggesting one. 560 00:43:06,588 --> 00:43:11,167 Just do... whatever it is you do to make these things go away. 561 00:43:13,178 --> 00:43:15,135 I can't help myself 562 00:43:16,181 --> 00:43:18,423 Bad habits 563 00:43:19,392 --> 00:43:21,468 I'm runnin' wild 564 00:43:22,187 --> 00:43:24,144 Lost control 565 00:43:25,565 --> 00:43:28,352 Well, I must confess 566 00:43:28,735 --> 00:43:31,653 Cos I can't repress 567 00:43:32,405 --> 00:43:36,070 In the last two months you billed the army for 72 windshields? 568 00:43:36,201 --> 00:43:39,367 That was a mistake. One of my men, Private Buttersworth... 569 00:43:39,496 --> 00:43:41,702 ...had a hairline crack in his glasses. 570 00:43:41,831 --> 00:43:43,623 - A crack? - Yes, a hairline crack. 571 00:43:43,750 --> 00:43:46,667 So to him, it looked like all the windshields were broken. 572 00:43:46,795 --> 00:43:49,499 I transferred him right out. That's the way I am. 573 00:43:49,631 --> 00:43:53,675 She's crazy about you. Every time you're not looking, she stares. 574 00:43:57,764 --> 00:43:59,840 You just missed it. 575 00:44:05,438 --> 00:44:10,314 Sergeant, in the past two days we've found a number of possible irregularities. 576 00:44:10,443 --> 00:44:14,820 - Now, if you can't produce receipts... - She's staring at you again. 577 00:44:14,947 --> 00:44:16,905 Oh, just missed it! 578 00:44:17,366 --> 00:44:19,158 There. 579 00:44:19,285 --> 00:44:21,954 ... that a boy like me 580 00:44:22,413 --> 00:44:26,790 Has got so many bad habits 581 00:44:28,377 --> 00:44:33,004 I said, all of these bad habits 582 00:44:35,384 --> 00:44:40,805 All of these bad habits 583 00:44:44,810 --> 00:44:46,767 (bells ring) 584 00:44:50,816 --> 00:44:52,560 Nothing? You found nothing? 585 00:44:52,693 --> 00:44:55,149 All my training tells me he's hiding something. 586 00:44:55,279 --> 00:44:57,984 Every time we're about to find something... 587 00:44:58,115 --> 00:45:01,650 - It dissolves. - It's like trying to nail Jell-O to the wall. 588 00:45:01,785 --> 00:45:05,617 - No. It's like watching a magician. - He's got you watching his left hand... 589 00:45:05,748 --> 00:45:08,618 And his right hand keeps pullin' rabbits! 590 00:45:08,751 --> 00:45:11,076 Well, then, let's tie his hands. 591 00:45:13,756 --> 00:45:16,081 Ernie, will you dance with me tonight? 592 00:45:16,216 --> 00:45:19,550 That's up to you. Last time, I accidentally stepped on your knee. 593 00:45:19,678 --> 00:45:22,003 - What if they play our song? - We have a song? 594 00:45:22,139 --> 00:45:24,215 Don't you remember the first time we...? 595 00:45:24,349 --> 00:45:26,675 Only you 596 00:45:26,810 --> 00:45:29,764 How could I forget our song? When they play it tonight... 597 00:45:29,896 --> 00:45:34,190 ...you and I will dance the most romantic dance we've ever danced in our entire life. 598 00:45:34,318 --> 00:45:37,521 - You promise? - That's a promise from Ernest G Bilko. 599 00:45:39,990 --> 00:45:42,397 Put some drive in your country 600 00:45:43,660 --> 00:45:47,195 Keep country drivin' on 601 00:45:48,915 --> 00:45:51,489 When the music gets you movin' 602 00:45:52,752 --> 00:45:54,626 You know it can't be long 603 00:45:54,754 --> 00:45:58,586 Baby, this is our night. Just us. Just you and me. All night long. No soldiers. 604 00:45:58,717 --> 00:46:00,840 - What do you wanna do? - Let's shoot some pool. 605 00:46:00,969 --> 00:46:03,721 - Oh, yeah. - Hey, Sarge. You're late! 606 00:46:05,640 --> 00:46:10,017 - We want to celebrate the audit with ya. - Those bean counters didn't have a clue. 607 00:46:10,812 --> 00:46:14,311 I know, I know. Sometimes I'm so damn good I scare myself. 608 00:46:14,983 --> 00:46:17,189 Just us, huh? 609 00:46:19,612 --> 00:46:23,195 If you see her out tonight 610 00:46:23,783 --> 00:46:28,825 And she tells you that it's just the lights 611 00:46:28,955 --> 00:46:30,947 That bring her here 612 00:46:31,082 --> 00:46:35,744 And not her loneliness 613 00:46:37,922 --> 00:46:40,543 That's what she says... 614 00:46:40,675 --> 00:46:43,344 - I'll go get us a couple of drinks. - OK. 615 00:46:53,604 --> 00:46:56,391 ...every word she says 616 00:46:56,524 --> 00:46:58,766 A scorpion and a brandy alexander. 617 00:47:00,027 --> 00:47:02,435 That's what she says... 618 00:47:03,030 --> 00:47:05,438 The future Mrs "Permission to Speak Freely"? 619 00:47:05,574 --> 00:47:09,572 Oh, no. I mean, I don't know her. I never even... I don't know her. 620 00:47:09,703 --> 00:47:11,661 (music ends) 621 00:47:13,124 --> 00:47:16,907 Thank you very much, everybody. we'll be back in just a couple of minutes. 622 00:47:17,044 --> 00:47:18,918 - I'll introduce ya. - You know her? 623 00:47:19,046 --> 00:47:21,335 - No. - She's with someone. 624 00:47:21,465 --> 00:47:23,422 A detail. 625 00:47:26,929 --> 00:47:30,179 - Ah, you must be in Bravo company. - No, Charlie company. 626 00:47:30,307 --> 00:47:32,549 - Charlie Company! Haven't you heard? - What? 627 00:47:32,685 --> 00:47:35,258 You're shipping out - Operation Vacuum Cleaner. 628 00:47:35,396 --> 00:47:37,554 - Operation... - Shh! 629 00:47:37,689 --> 00:47:41,023 I want his name. I want it known that in this moment of crisis... 630 00:47:41,151 --> 00:47:43,725 ...this man chose to sit here and eat bar nuts. 631 00:47:43,862 --> 00:47:48,026 - I didn't know! - Go ye into the night! Hut, hut, hut, hut! 632 00:47:49,743 --> 00:47:52,448 All right. Now I'll settle this. 633 00:47:53,497 --> 00:47:55,489 - Hmm. - Excuse me? 634 00:47:55,666 --> 00:47:59,366 You were right. Those are the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen. 635 00:47:59,503 --> 00:48:01,330 - Did he say that? - Oh, yeah. 636 00:48:01,463 --> 00:48:04,832 He said your eyes were like diamonds sparkling on a summer night. 637 00:48:04,966 --> 00:48:09,509 The old sergeant's eyes didn't see what he saw. Anyway, here's the $20 I bet you. 638 00:48:09,638 --> 00:48:14,347 I think the least you can do is sit down and buy this young lady some dinner. 639 00:48:14,476 --> 00:48:16,967 Sit down and buy dinner! Go! Hey! 640 00:48:17,521 --> 00:48:19,394 Ah, to be young again. 641 00:48:20,523 --> 00:48:23,275 - That's my sergeant. - Oh. 642 00:48:29,574 --> 00:48:32,065 Oh! Major Ebersole, boys. Welcome to the Spur. 643 00:48:32,202 --> 00:48:36,745 Oh, I've been here before. Uh... five years ago. 644 00:48:36,873 --> 00:48:39,578 I had... a scotch and soda. 645 00:48:39,709 --> 00:48:42,414 Good. A place like this depends on repeat business. 646 00:48:42,545 --> 00:48:47,540 They're repainting our club, so we had to move our weekly poker game down here. 647 00:48:47,675 --> 00:48:51,839 Poker. I've heard wonderful things about that game. Can I watch? 648 00:48:51,971 --> 00:48:55,138 - You don't play poker? - I'm pretty busy at the motor pool... 649 00:48:55,266 --> 00:49:00,426 ...up to my elbows in grease. Maybe I could join... Oh, no, there's a problem. 650 00:49:00,563 --> 00:49:02,721 I don't have any change. 651 00:49:02,857 --> 00:49:06,724 We can make change. It's OK. 652 00:49:06,944 --> 00:49:09,317 Oh, goody. I get to play cards. 653 00:49:10,573 --> 00:49:14,321 ... long way home just to think of an alibi 654 00:49:14,452 --> 00:49:17,618 Well, I couldn't think of a dozen things 655 00:49:17,747 --> 00:49:18,861 That hadn't already... 656 00:49:18,998 --> 00:49:23,043 - Get you somethin'? - Scotch, rocks. Good-looking woman. 657 00:49:23,169 --> 00:49:25,126 That's Bilko's girl. 658 00:49:25,921 --> 00:49:28,044 Now she looks even better. 659 00:49:30,634 --> 00:49:33,007 I'm dealing you five cards. 660 00:49:33,137 --> 00:49:35,628 - Five cards. Let me write this down. - Yeah, OK. 661 00:49:35,765 --> 00:49:38,968 Now, the worst hand that you can have... 662 00:49:39,101 --> 00:49:42,850 ...is if you only have one high card and nothing else that matches. 663 00:49:42,980 --> 00:49:48,223 - But then comes a pair. - A pair. How exciting. A pair. 664 00:49:48,777 --> 00:49:51,399 (applause) 665 00:49:51,739 --> 00:49:55,986 Only you 666 00:49:56,744 --> 00:50:01,986 Can make this world seem right 667 00:50:03,083 --> 00:50:05,788 Oh, thanks. Have you seen Ernie? 668 00:50:06,420 --> 00:50:08,792 - No, I haven't. - Will you hold this a second? 669 00:50:08,922 --> 00:50:10,962 - Sure. - Thanks. 670 00:50:13,844 --> 00:50:16,133 Excuse me. Have you guys seen Ernie? 671 00:50:16,263 --> 00:50:18,220 - No. - No. 672 00:50:19,224 --> 00:50:21,181 Ernie? 673 00:50:21,810 --> 00:50:22,973 Ernie! 674 00:50:23,312 --> 00:50:26,515 I have three jacks and two sixes. What's that called again? 675 00:50:26,648 --> 00:50:30,480 - A full house. - What a cute name. A full house. 676 00:50:30,777 --> 00:50:33,612 - Is that good? - Yes, that means you win. 677 00:50:35,365 --> 00:50:39,149 - Again. - Oh, God, this is almost embarrassing. 678 00:50:39,286 --> 00:50:41,409 What is that? Five in a row? 679 00:50:41,788 --> 00:50:45,122 What a lovely watch. Now, let's see. We'll just shuffle. 680 00:50:45,250 --> 00:50:47,492 Oops. Clumsy me. 681 00:50:48,628 --> 00:50:50,917 - OK. Cut? Thank you. - Hey! 682 00:50:51,047 --> 00:50:54,297 Sorry. All right. OK. 683 00:50:58,513 --> 00:51:02,131 You are my destiny 684 00:51:02,267 --> 00:51:06,514 Oh. You hear that song? It means I gotta go. 685 00:51:08,273 --> 00:51:11,855 Gee, I feel bad. Can't I give some of this back? 686 00:51:13,278 --> 00:51:16,148 No, that would be wrong, wouldn't it? 687 00:51:16,281 --> 00:51:19,732 All right, well, I'll just take these IOUs... 688 00:51:19,993 --> 00:51:24,785 ...and the pink slip, and you can cash me out and I'll see you back at the base. 689 00:51:24,914 --> 00:51:26,741 - Ernie! - Good evening, sir. 690 00:51:26,874 --> 00:51:28,582 Excuse us, Major. 691 00:51:28,710 --> 00:51:33,786 Listen, I don't know why, but the colonel's decided to climb all over your sorry butt. 692 00:51:33,923 --> 00:51:36,165 I'm afraid the party's over, Ernie. 693 00:51:36,300 --> 00:51:41,176 Get back to the post. I'd like to see your men on the parade ground at 0500 hours. 694 00:51:41,305 --> 00:51:43,879 - Yes, sir. Weather permitting. - What permitting? 695 00:51:44,016 --> 00:51:46,175 Who said that? 696 00:51:46,310 --> 00:51:49,062 It's payback time, Bilko. 697 00:51:49,438 --> 00:51:52,392 If it's all the same to you, I'll tell my girlfriend we're leaving. 698 00:51:52,525 --> 00:51:59,571 It's not all the same to me, Bilko. Move it! Hut, hut, hut! Hut, hut, hut, hut! 699 00:51:59,949 --> 00:52:04,409 You are my destiny 700 00:52:08,958 --> 00:52:11,081 This solves nothing. 701 00:52:11,418 --> 00:52:13,541 This solves everything. 702 00:52:15,756 --> 00:52:18,959 You haven't seen someone called Ernie Bilko, have you? 703 00:52:19,343 --> 00:52:21,715 Oh, yes. He left a few minutes ago. 704 00:52:21,845 --> 00:52:25,925 - Are you sure? - Yep, I definitely saw him go, in a hurry. 705 00:52:26,141 --> 00:52:30,305 You see, I happen to know Major Ebersole offered him a poker game. 706 00:52:30,771 --> 00:52:34,389 You're my dream come true 707 00:52:35,150 --> 00:52:42,731 My one and only you 708 00:52:42,950 --> 00:52:45,238 I can drop you off on my way back to the post. 709 00:52:45,369 --> 00:52:48,738 - This is very nice of you. - Not at all. 710 00:52:48,872 --> 00:52:50,829 May I ask you... 711 00:52:52,292 --> 00:52:55,910 ...could I call on you sometime? - Oh, well, you see, I'm... 712 00:52:56,296 --> 00:52:58,668 I just broke up with someone. 713 00:52:58,799 --> 00:53:03,544 - He must be devastated. - Oh... he doesn't know yet. 714 00:53:12,938 --> 00:53:14,811 (reveille) 715 00:53:16,232 --> 00:53:21,938 Fall in! Arrgh! And gather! Gather in... in a square! All right. 716 00:53:24,741 --> 00:53:26,698 Good! 717 00:53:27,368 --> 00:53:31,865 All right, you've seen real soldiers before. Just... do what they do. 718 00:53:36,753 --> 00:53:40,453 All right, let's do the "grab the rifle by the bottom" thing! 719 00:53:40,840 --> 00:53:42,797 Arrgh! 720 00:53:43,426 --> 00:53:46,961 All right! Now, let's do the, you know, the shoulder thing! 721 00:53:47,096 --> 00:53:51,224 Arrgh! The shoulder thing! Ah! Arrgh! Arrgh! Yes. 722 00:53:51,642 --> 00:53:56,139 All right. And now the... the "showing the rifle for the inspection" bit. 723 00:53:56,272 --> 00:53:58,099 Go! Arrgh! Arrgh! 724 00:53:58,232 --> 00:54:00,474 (gunshot) 725 00:54:08,326 --> 00:54:10,283 (yelling) 726 00:54:14,999 --> 00:54:18,617 Well, my feet can't fail me now My feet can't fail me now 727 00:54:18,878 --> 00:54:21,748 My feet can't fail me now My feet can't fail me now 728 00:54:22,715 --> 00:54:25,550 My feet can't fail me now My feet can't fail me now 729 00:54:27,887 --> 00:54:29,345 Go, go, go, go! 730 00:54:33,267 --> 00:54:35,805 Dobie, come on! Come on, buddy. 731 00:54:36,228 --> 00:54:39,063 My feet can't fail me now My feet can't fail me now 732 00:54:39,356 --> 00:54:42,891 My feet can't fail me now My feet can't fail me now 733 00:54:43,485 --> 00:54:46,190 My feet can't fail me now My feet can't fail me now 734 00:54:49,033 --> 00:54:51,358 (yelling) 735 00:54:56,081 --> 00:54:59,284 My feet can't fail me now My feet can't fail me now 736 00:54:59,418 --> 00:55:02,703 Said feet can't fail me now My feet can't fail me now 737 00:55:03,088 --> 00:55:06,089 My feet can't fail me now My feet can't fail me now 738 00:55:06,383 --> 00:55:09,467 My feet can't fail me now My feet can't fail me now 739 00:55:16,101 --> 00:55:18,058 No. Nope. 740 00:55:27,028 --> 00:55:29,484 I'm just so damn proud. 741 00:55:35,537 --> 00:55:38,822 My feet can't fail me now My feet can't fail me now 742 00:55:38,957 --> 00:55:41,911 My feet can't fail, fail, fail, fail me now 743 00:55:46,006 --> 00:55:48,579 I can barely move my legs 744 00:55:48,842 --> 00:55:51,511 I can barely move my legs 745 00:55:51,636 --> 00:55:54,388 Do me a favour and kill me now 746 00:55:54,639 --> 00:55:57,308 Do me a favour and kill me now 747 00:55:57,434 --> 00:56:00,470 Something, something rhymes with legs 748 00:56:00,728 --> 00:56:03,646 Something, something rhymes with legs 749 00:56:03,773 --> 00:56:06,809 My life is over anyhow 750 00:56:07,068 --> 00:56:09,025 (Doberman pants) 751 00:56:09,362 --> 00:56:11,438 (Wally sniggers) 752 00:56:11,572 --> 00:56:14,443 - Sarge! - Sarge! He's killing us! 753 00:56:14,575 --> 00:56:17,363 - I can't do this. - What's the matter with you people? 754 00:56:17,495 --> 00:56:18,954 Generation X! 755 00:56:19,080 --> 00:56:21,832 - He's killin' us! - You've all gone soft! 756 00:56:21,999 --> 00:56:24,075 - Get serious, Sarge! - I am serious. 757 00:56:24,210 --> 00:56:27,045 I've been thinking about this. You're Bilko's platoon! 758 00:56:27,171 --> 00:56:29,496 Whatever they dish out, we can take. 759 00:56:29,632 --> 00:56:31,838 I want to see you two in my quarters. 760 00:56:38,808 --> 00:56:41,678 - Oh! - (both) Sarge. 761 00:56:42,311 --> 00:56:45,894 I'm paralysed. I have no feeling from the hair down. 762 00:56:46,023 --> 00:56:48,775 Make the bad man stop. 763 00:56:51,779 --> 00:56:55,444 - Who are you calling? - Rita. Her voice will make me feel better. 764 00:56:55,574 --> 00:56:58,575 Ow. Ow, ow, ow. 765 00:56:59,203 --> 00:57:01,528 (phone ringing) 766 00:57:03,916 --> 00:57:05,873 (ringing) 767 00:57:13,467 --> 00:57:16,717 If any of this is frightening, just hold onto me. 768 00:57:17,971 --> 00:57:21,008 They're dancing Raisinets. 769 00:57:21,558 --> 00:57:25,010 And you don't find that frightening? 770 00:57:30,108 --> 00:57:32,101 Let's work 771 00:57:32,236 --> 00:57:33,979 Be proud 772 00:57:34,112 --> 00:57:35,690 Stand tall 773 00:57:37,032 --> 00:57:41,077 - Sarge? Sarge. - What's the matter? 774 00:57:43,121 --> 00:57:45,363 I put on three pounds. 775 00:57:46,249 --> 00:57:49,416 Funny, it doesn't show. Luis! This calls for plan A. 776 00:57:49,628 --> 00:57:54,753 That won't work. He's on his way over. He says if I can't do ten push-ups... 777 00:57:54,883 --> 00:57:57,718 ...he's gonna move me out. 778 00:58:02,682 --> 00:58:04,639 All right! Plan B. 779 00:58:12,275 --> 00:58:15,774 Major Thorn, you look fantastic, sir! Have you lost w... 780 00:58:17,530 --> 00:58:21,065 (grunting) 781 00:58:21,701 --> 00:58:23,777 Good work, Doberman! 782 00:58:25,121 --> 00:58:28,407 (all grunt) 783 00:58:32,420 --> 00:58:36,204 So, John, if you spoke to the officers and their wives, it would mean a lot. 784 00:58:36,341 --> 00:58:40,504 They keep hearing rumours that Fort Baxter will be shut down. 785 00:58:40,637 --> 00:58:46,390 Frankly, sweetheart, after this hovertank disaster, I don't know what might happen. 786 00:58:46,517 --> 00:58:50,930 Oh, dear. I didn't realise it was that bad. 787 00:58:51,063 --> 00:58:55,013 Well, you will think of something. I have complete faith in you. 788 00:58:55,151 --> 00:58:57,393 - Thank you. - (rapping on door) 789 00:58:58,154 --> 00:59:01,523 - Sorry, I didn't realise you had company. - Quite all right, Bilko. 790 00:59:01,657 --> 00:59:04,492 Colonel, you didn't tell me there was a movie star here. 791 00:59:04,619 --> 00:59:07,406 Sharon Stone! The men will be so excited. 792 00:59:07,538 --> 00:59:09,827 - Bilko. - We've seen all your movies. 793 00:59:09,957 --> 00:59:12,828 - They're a little racy for me. - Sergeant Bilko... 794 00:59:12,960 --> 00:59:14,620 You know this is Mrs Hall. 795 00:59:14,754 --> 00:59:19,214 Mrs Hall! Cradle robber. You were dazzled by an older man, is that it? 796 00:59:19,341 --> 00:59:21,001 - Bilko! - Yes, my colonel? 797 00:59:21,135 --> 00:59:23,970 John, I will see you later. 798 00:59:24,096 --> 00:59:26,552 Right this way, Miss Stone. Uh... Mrs Hall. 799 00:59:29,602 --> 00:59:32,223 - What is it, Sergeant? - Sir, if I could ask you again. 800 00:59:32,354 --> 00:59:34,430 - These desert manoeuvres... - You can go. 801 00:59:34,565 --> 00:59:37,981 If you'd seen the look on the men's faces when I said we wouldn't... 802 00:59:38,110 --> 00:59:40,399 - I said I've changed my mind. - Zimmerman... 803 00:59:40,529 --> 00:59:43,102 ...I had to cradle him in my... We can go? 804 00:59:51,081 --> 00:59:54,367 - Have a safe trip, Sergeant. - Yes, sir. We'll make you proud, sir. 805 00:59:54,501 --> 00:59:56,458 Oh, sure. 806 00:59:58,130 --> 01:00:00,751 Bright light city gonna set my soul 807 01:00:00,883 --> 01:00:03,670 Gonna set my soul on fire 808 01:00:04,636 --> 01:00:06,961 Viva Las Vegas 809 01:00:08,015 --> 01:00:10,256 Viva Las Vegas 810 01:00:10,767 --> 01:00:14,136 There's blackjack and poker and the roulette wheel 811 01:00:14,271 --> 01:00:17,390 All you need's a strong heart and a nerve of steel 812 01:00:17,733 --> 01:00:20,188 Viva Las Vegas 813 01:00:21,069 --> 01:00:23,525 Viva Las Vegas 814 01:00:24,364 --> 01:00:26,772 Viva Las Vegas 815 01:00:27,742 --> 01:00:30,115 Viva Las Vegas with your neon flashing 816 01:00:30,245 --> 01:00:32,487 Sarge, you're crying. 817 01:00:32,622 --> 01:00:35,244 It's just... so beautiful. 818 01:00:36,001 --> 01:00:39,286 Viva, viva, Las Vegas 819 01:00:39,421 --> 01:00:42,256 All right, soldiers. Prepare for manoeuvres! 820 01:00:43,508 --> 01:00:47,340 I killed an afternoon convincing Colonel Dunderhead he'd be in trouble... 821 01:00:47,470 --> 01:00:49,712 ...if Bilko didn't go on the manoeuvres. 822 01:00:49,848 --> 01:00:53,217 You've got three days to get into this computer. 823 01:00:53,351 --> 01:00:55,723 Find me everything. 824 01:00:57,522 --> 01:01:00,973 If he stole a match, I want to know about it. 825 01:01:03,444 --> 01:01:05,318 I'm goin' to party town 826 01:01:05,446 --> 01:01:06,609 Yeah, yeah 827 01:01:06,739 --> 01:01:08,946 I wanna party down 828 01:01:09,075 --> 01:01:10,154 Yeah, yeah 829 01:01:10,284 --> 01:01:13,736 I wanna have some fun I'm gonna fool around 830 01:01:13,871 --> 01:01:15,663 I'm goin' to party town 831 01:01:17,125 --> 01:01:19,082 Right here in party town 832 01:01:19,210 --> 01:01:20,325 Yeah, yeah 833 01:01:20,461 --> 01:01:22,620 They really party down 834 01:01:22,755 --> 01:01:23,751 Yeah, yeah 835 01:01:23,881 --> 01:01:26,004 Man, it's a party town 836 01:01:26,133 --> 01:01:27,165 Yeah, yeah 837 01:01:30,888 --> 01:01:32,217 - Where we goin'? - Craps. 838 01:01:32,348 --> 01:01:35,053 Think of the changes you wanna make when we own this place. 839 01:01:35,184 --> 01:01:38,553 Hey, Sarge, I was thinkin', is it safe for us to be off the base? 840 01:01:38,688 --> 01:01:41,688 - Thorn will be up to somethin'. - You just thought of that? 841 01:01:41,816 --> 01:01:46,442 Relax. Before we left, I had Luis encrypt the files. It'll take 'em years to break in. 842 01:01:46,612 --> 01:01:48,770 We're in. 843 01:01:57,498 --> 01:01:58,743 (Thorn) Good job. 844 01:01:58,916 --> 01:02:01,288 Now, how far back do you want us to go? 845 01:02:01,418 --> 01:02:03,790 You two kids have just been sensational. 846 01:02:03,921 --> 01:02:07,171 Why don't you knock off for the rest of the evening? 847 01:02:08,008 --> 01:02:10,380 And do what? 848 01:02:10,511 --> 01:02:13,880 - Have fun. Unwind. - Hm. 849 01:02:14,014 --> 01:02:16,220 - Well, shall I...? - No, leave it on for a second. 850 01:02:16,350 --> 01:02:21,095 I'd just like to check on one or two things, just out of curiosity. 851 01:02:22,105 --> 01:02:25,059 Well, good night. 852 01:02:25,526 --> 01:02:26,854 Good night. 853 01:02:28,278 --> 01:02:31,778 I think it was very exciting, the way you broke into that computer. 854 01:02:31,907 --> 01:02:34,196 - It was? - Yes! 855 01:02:35,410 --> 01:02:38,162 - (0ster) Can I buy you a drink? - Why, yes. 856 01:02:50,133 --> 01:02:52,375 Oh, oh, oh! There they go! 857 01:03:00,310 --> 01:03:01,852 Oh, my. All right. 858 01:03:01,978 --> 01:03:06,058 Oh! Ouch! They're hot! They're hot. Quick, quick, cool 'em off. 859 01:03:07,692 --> 01:03:10,693 Press the six and the eight and the black ten. 860 01:03:10,820 --> 01:03:13,738 - All right, here we go. Now... - Oh, he's shakin' 'em off. 861 01:03:14,365 --> 01:03:18,659 Uh-oh, he's comin' with the pitch. It looks like the high, hard one! 862 01:03:22,165 --> 01:03:24,454 Ooh, baby! Oh, good. 863 01:03:24,584 --> 01:03:28,878 Gently. OK, and now, it's just a little... It's easy, it's easy, it's easy. 864 01:03:29,005 --> 01:03:31,294 It's just... behind the back. 865 01:03:31,424 --> 01:03:34,211 Winner! We have a winner. 866 01:03:37,263 --> 01:03:39,836 Wait a minute. This chip is scratched. 867 01:03:42,018 --> 01:03:43,097 - Mr Bilko. - Yes? 868 01:03:43,227 --> 01:03:45,897 That's quite a run. Is there anything we can do for you? 869 01:03:46,022 --> 01:03:50,399 Yes, go to your vault and tell your money to be patient. We'll be together soon. 870 01:03:51,777 --> 01:03:54,695 You mean he stood you up before that night at the Rusty Spur? 871 01:03:54,822 --> 01:03:57,230 Mm-hm. He left me standing at the altar. 872 01:03:57,867 --> 01:03:59,943 There can be no excuse for that. 873 01:04:00,077 --> 01:04:04,905 You'd be surprised. He had a new excuse every time. They were all pretty amazing. 874 01:04:05,041 --> 01:04:07,496 - He did that more than once? - Mm-hm. 875 01:04:08,377 --> 01:04:11,212 Rita, you have a lot of love to give. 876 01:04:11,714 --> 01:04:14,383 And you're smart. Why put up with a clown like that? 877 01:04:14,508 --> 01:04:19,384 Because it was exciting. With Ernie, every day was anything-can-happen day. 878 01:04:19,513 --> 01:04:21,885 Some couples play Scrabble. 879 01:04:22,016 --> 01:04:25,385 This isn't a game we're talking about - it's your life. 880 01:04:25,519 --> 01:04:29,018 Where I come from, when you tell a woman you'll marry her, you mean it. 881 01:04:29,148 --> 01:04:33,691 You know something? I would never stand you up. I'd never not call you. 882 01:04:34,528 --> 01:04:39,320 But then, I'm an officer with career prospects. I can handle responsibility. 883 01:04:39,450 --> 01:04:41,193 I guess you can. 884 01:04:41,326 --> 01:04:43,568 Wouldn't you like a man who's there for you? 885 01:04:43,704 --> 01:04:47,120 A man who wants to get married, settle down and have a family. 886 01:04:47,249 --> 01:04:49,206 Yes. 887 01:04:50,544 --> 01:04:52,335 I bought you this. 888 01:04:56,341 --> 01:04:57,752 A ring! 889 01:04:57,884 --> 01:05:00,506 Two carats of cubic zirconia. 890 01:05:01,054 --> 01:05:03,011 It's beautiful. 891 01:05:08,854 --> 01:05:10,182 Oh... 892 01:05:10,313 --> 01:05:13,065 This is happening... too fast. 893 01:05:14,192 --> 01:05:16,683 I don't want to hurt Ernie. 894 01:05:17,154 --> 01:05:18,648 No. 895 01:05:18,780 --> 01:05:21,271 We really don't want to hurt Ernie. 896 01:05:24,661 --> 01:05:27,116 - That's when Vegas was Vegas. - Excuse me, Mr Bilko? 897 01:05:27,247 --> 01:05:30,450 - He said it was an emergency. - This must be the Pentagon. 898 01:05:30,583 --> 01:05:32,991 Hello? I can hardly hear you. 899 01:05:33,128 --> 01:05:36,662 Rita Robbins. She's been out with that guy Thorn every night. 900 01:05:37,006 --> 01:05:39,295 - Thorn? - Since before you went on manoeuvres. 901 01:05:39,426 --> 01:05:43,589 Tomorrow night they're going out to that fancy French restaurant in Roseville. 902 01:05:43,721 --> 01:05:47,885 She's lookin' pretty weak, Ernie, I gotta tell ya. Like she would do anything. 903 01:05:50,853 --> 01:05:53,344 - Thanks, Sowicki. - Bye, Ernie. 904 01:05:55,233 --> 01:05:57,854 - Thank you, Stan. - Hey, thank you! 905 01:05:57,986 --> 01:06:00,655 For allowing me to screw with Bilko's head. 906 01:06:00,780 --> 01:06:02,819 Oh, it isn't a game this time, Stan. 907 01:06:02,949 --> 01:06:05,866 I just need to find out how much he really loves me. 908 01:06:05,993 --> 01:06:08,449 - He loves you plenty. - More than Las Vegas? 909 01:06:08,621 --> 01:06:10,530 That's asking a lot. 910 01:06:11,749 --> 01:06:13,706 (rings) 911 01:06:14,252 --> 01:06:18,581 (answer phone) Hi, this is Rita. I'm not in right now. Please leave a message. 912 01:06:18,714 --> 01:06:22,379 Rita, it's me, Ernie. I'm on my way home. I hear you're seeing Thorn... 913 01:06:22,510 --> 01:06:26,590 ...and I just don't want you to take it too seriously. He's only with you to annoy me. 914 01:06:27,765 --> 01:06:32,178 I see. He couldn't possibly be interested in me-that would be ridiculous. 915 01:06:32,311 --> 01:06:35,098 Rita, you're there. This guy has terrible qualities. 916 01:06:35,231 --> 01:06:39,940 - For one thing, he's very manipulative. - He seemed nice to me. Goodbye. 917 01:06:41,195 --> 01:06:43,318 Hello? Hello? 918 01:06:44,240 --> 01:06:47,276 Rita? Rita? 919 01:06:51,789 --> 01:06:54,031 Why do you smell the cork? 920 01:06:54,708 --> 01:06:57,246 Your eyes are hazel, aren't they? 921 01:06:57,378 --> 01:06:58,457 Green. 922 01:06:58,587 --> 01:07:00,663 (Bilko) I never have sex on the first date. 923 01:07:00,798 --> 01:07:06,384 Thank God, it's our third. Oh, this is such a... Oh, can't you just smell that... salad? 924 01:07:06,512 --> 01:07:08,469 Yes, I have a reservation. 925 01:07:09,640 --> 01:07:15,144 Ah, this must be the table. You know, what they do very well here is the garlic. 926 01:07:15,270 --> 01:07:17,726 Oh, I touched you. My temperature is rising. 927 01:07:17,856 --> 01:07:23,396 Waiter, could we have two glasses of red house, uh... s'il vous please? 928 01:07:23,528 --> 01:07:24,643 In. 929 01:07:26,114 --> 01:07:28,071 Bilko. What a fool. 930 01:07:28,200 --> 01:07:29,658 Yeah. 931 01:07:29,785 --> 01:07:32,702 How can he afford to eat here on a sergeant's pay? 932 01:07:32,829 --> 01:07:36,613 - I'll be a lieutenant colonel very soon. - No kidding? 933 01:07:37,250 --> 01:07:39,539 (exaggerated laugh) 934 01:07:39,795 --> 01:07:42,879 - That woman's kind of attractive too. - You think so? 935 01:07:43,006 --> 01:07:45,248 Well, not compared to you, of course. 936 01:07:45,842 --> 01:07:48,713 Anyway, I understand the oysters here are... 937 01:07:48,845 --> 01:07:51,632 ...very, uh, very, uh... imported. 938 01:07:52,557 --> 01:07:55,511 - Just get me out of here fast. - Relax, Paparelli. 939 01:07:55,644 --> 01:07:58,265 If you wanna make Rita jealous, why not use Barbella? 940 01:07:58,396 --> 01:08:03,188 She knows Barbella. I needed someone she can't recognise. Someone alluring. 941 01:08:04,486 --> 01:08:06,443 Thank you. 942 01:08:08,364 --> 01:08:14,153 Ah! Well, it's Rita Robbins and Major Thorn! Ah! A-ha-ha, aha. 943 01:08:14,704 --> 01:08:17,373 Um, excuse me. One moment. 944 01:08:19,709 --> 01:08:23,659 - (Bilko clears throat) - She's coming over? She's coming over? 945 01:08:26,090 --> 01:08:29,791 Ernie, you made Paparelli get into drag just to make me jealous? 946 01:08:29,927 --> 01:08:34,139 Well, actually, he was already in drag. Paparelli, scram! Get going. 947 01:08:53,534 --> 01:08:55,942 Rita, you can't marry Thorn. You don't love him. 948 01:08:56,078 --> 01:08:59,530 Think of the children. You're a Catholic and he's an asshole! 949 01:08:59,665 --> 01:09:04,244 How would you raise them? And he's already cheating on you with Paparelli. 950 01:09:05,337 --> 01:09:07,295 Hi, soldier boy. 951 01:09:09,425 --> 01:09:11,382 (hisses suggestively) 952 01:09:14,847 --> 01:09:18,216 Sowicki never told you I was marrying Thorn. 953 01:09:19,810 --> 01:09:24,223 You told Sowicki to call me. You manipulated me. How could you? 954 01:09:24,356 --> 01:09:28,733 Why not? I have a master's in manipulation from the University of Bilko. 955 01:09:28,861 --> 01:09:31,482 You tricked me. You sucked me in. 956 01:09:32,948 --> 01:09:36,115 This is the most turned on I've ever been in my life. 957 01:09:36,577 --> 01:09:38,949 Rita, I'm so glad we're back together again. 958 01:09:39,163 --> 01:09:41,202 Twelve more days. 959 01:09:49,423 --> 01:09:51,462 No wonder the hovertank never worked. 960 01:09:51,591 --> 01:09:56,253 Yes, sir. He's been diverting research funds into his own private account. 961 01:09:56,847 --> 01:10:02,303 For all the differences I've had with Bilko over the years, I've always liked him. 962 01:10:02,436 --> 01:10:04,677 The way he kept up the men's morale. 963 01:10:04,813 --> 01:10:08,976 The way he'd pretend to cry when I went on leave. The way, on my birthday... 964 01:10:09,109 --> 01:10:13,569 ...he'd have the men mow my name in the main lawn with a big heart around it. 965 01:10:14,823 --> 01:10:18,405 - But now there'll be a court martial. - Yes, sir. 966 01:10:18,535 --> 01:10:20,741 - Unless... - Unless? 967 01:10:20,870 --> 01:10:24,738 It's just that I know we'd both do anything to spare Bilko a court martial. 968 01:10:24,874 --> 01:10:27,448 If he could just be quietly punished. 969 01:10:27,585 --> 01:10:29,827 (sighs) Yeah, sure. 970 01:10:30,964 --> 01:10:33,122 But... but how? 971 01:10:33,258 --> 01:10:35,546 The CO has certain powers, sir. 972 01:10:36,636 --> 01:10:41,013 - Powers? - Can't he, for instance, have a soldier... 973 01:10:43,268 --> 01:10:45,225 ...trans... 974 01:10:46,437 --> 01:10:48,893 Trans... atlantic? 975 01:10:51,943 --> 01:10:54,434 Trans... vestite? 976 01:10:57,407 --> 01:11:00,526 - Transferred! - What a wonderful idea. 977 01:11:01,119 --> 01:11:03,823 Yes, well, the wheels are always spinning. 978 01:11:04,664 --> 01:11:10,168 It'd have to be somewhere where there'd be no chance of him making trouble again. 979 01:11:14,465 --> 01:11:16,837 Greenland? 980 01:11:17,051 --> 01:11:20,883 He's been out walking by himself for, like, four hours. 981 01:11:21,472 --> 01:11:24,045 - What's he doin'? - He's thinkin'. 982 01:11:24,266 --> 01:11:28,679 - I thought I heard him crying. - He even asked for a box of tissues. 983 01:11:32,316 --> 01:11:34,059 I guess you're happy. 984 01:11:34,193 --> 01:11:37,562 Yeah. He hated the sarge. He was probably helping Thorn to get him. 985 01:11:37,696 --> 01:11:40,270 - I was not! - Wait a minute. Wait a minute. 986 01:11:40,407 --> 01:11:43,361 This is Bilko we're talkin' about here. Bilko! 987 01:11:43,494 --> 01:11:45,782 Nobody gets the best of Bilko. Come on! 988 01:11:45,913 --> 01:11:48,534 - That's right. - (Paparelli) He'll think of somethin'. 989 01:11:48,666 --> 01:11:52,331 Remember when I got the letter from my wife sayin' she wanted to break up? 990 01:11:52,461 --> 01:11:55,034 - Remember what Bilko did? - He got your wife back? 991 01:11:55,297 --> 01:11:57,705 No, he got me another wife. A better wife! 992 01:11:57,925 --> 01:12:01,969 - Yeah! - He'll come up with his best plan ever. 993 01:12:02,095 --> 01:12:05,630 Listen, I pity Major Thorn. When Bilko gets done with him... 994 01:12:06,558 --> 01:12:09,228 - (Doberman) Sarge! - Ten-hut! 995 01:12:09,353 --> 01:12:11,179 Hey, Sarge! 996 01:12:11,313 --> 01:12:13,886 - Sarge! - Sarge! You've come back! 997 01:12:15,484 --> 01:12:18,485 Ah, Doberman. The son I never wanted. 998 01:12:19,655 --> 01:12:21,943 Fall in and look this way! 999 01:12:26,536 --> 01:12:28,493 Hello, soldiers. 1000 01:12:29,498 --> 01:12:33,163 I'm talking to you. Because that's what you are really. 1001 01:12:33,293 --> 01:12:36,329 Soldiers, every last one of you - with a couple of exceptions. 1002 01:12:36,463 --> 01:12:38,337 - He's got a plan. - He sure does. 1003 01:12:38,465 --> 01:12:42,332 I wanna tell you a little story. There was once a little boy... 1004 01:12:42,469 --> 01:12:46,217 ...and that little boy had a dream to run one of the most sophisticated... 1005 01:12:46,348 --> 01:12:49,598 ...illegal gaming operations the US Army has ever seen. 1006 01:12:49,726 --> 01:12:50,971 - He's not worried. - Not a bit. 1007 01:12:51,102 --> 01:12:53,427 And that little boy's dream came true. 1008 01:12:53,563 --> 01:12:57,146 But now they're trying to snatch that dream back from him. 1009 01:12:57,317 --> 01:12:58,977 - He is worried. - That's not good. 1010 01:12:59,110 --> 01:13:02,562 But what are the last two letters in the name Bilko? K-O! 1011 01:13:02,697 --> 01:13:05,484 Of course, the first are B-l-L, which is meaningless. 1012 01:13:05,617 --> 01:13:09,401 But still, am I giving up? No! Never! Well, kind of, but not really... 1013 01:13:09,537 --> 01:13:13,238 ...because there is no way I am going to Greenland. 1014 01:13:13,374 --> 01:13:16,079 Well, you're probably wondering if I have a plan. 1015 01:13:16,210 --> 01:13:22,960 Well, of course I have a plan! A P-L-A-N. Plan. 1016 01:13:24,469 --> 01:13:26,426 But... 1017 01:13:27,346 --> 01:13:28,971 - He's got no plan. - We're screwed. 1018 01:13:29,098 --> 01:13:33,048 - I have a plan, Sarge. - But maybe a plan is not what I need! 1019 01:13:33,186 --> 01:13:36,519 What I really need is just a little puppy. 1020 01:13:36,647 --> 01:13:40,941 A little puppy with big, brown eyes who'll just come to me and lick my face... 1021 01:13:41,068 --> 01:13:45,529 ...and just love me so much, no matter what kind of person I am. 1022 01:13:45,656 --> 01:13:46,771 (Bilko sobs) 1023 01:13:46,907 --> 01:13:48,983 Sarge, I really do have a plan. 1024 01:13:49,869 --> 01:13:54,032 Oh, so now you have a plan. Well, let's hear your plan, Wally. 1025 01:13:54,665 --> 01:13:58,579 What if the hovertank did work? That'd prove you haven't diverted the money. 1026 01:13:58,711 --> 01:14:01,380 Oh! That is so stup... What? 1027 01:14:01,547 --> 01:14:05,710 That would prove you hadn't been diverting the money. Wouldn't it? 1028 01:14:08,637 --> 01:14:11,009 Are you saying you can get the hovertank to work? 1029 01:14:11,140 --> 01:14:16,680 No, of course not. But we don't need to hold four aces if they think we hold 'em. 1030 01:14:19,440 --> 01:14:21,847 Permission to speak freely? 1031 01:14:22,568 --> 01:14:26,019 Tell me a bit more about this plan, because I think that's actually... 1032 01:14:26,155 --> 01:14:28,942 If they come, deny everything. Just act dumb. 1033 01:14:29,074 --> 01:14:31,612 Fender, I'm putting you in charge of that. 1034 01:14:34,913 --> 01:14:38,531 I love the nightlife, I like to boogie 1035 01:14:38,667 --> 01:14:40,743 I like to rock all night long 1036 01:14:40,877 --> 01:14:42,835 (Bilko) Ahem. 1037 01:14:43,171 --> 01:14:45,959 Oh... it's you, Bilko. 1038 01:14:46,091 --> 01:14:48,499 Sir, if I could talk with you just for a moment. 1039 01:14:48,635 --> 01:14:52,218 If you've come to talk about Greenland, you're wasting your time. 1040 01:14:52,347 --> 01:14:54,589 Frankly, Sergeant, I'm disappointed. 1041 01:14:54,724 --> 01:14:58,343 Sir, all I ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work. 1042 01:14:58,478 --> 01:15:01,183 - I didn't steal money, sir. - Please, Bilko. 1043 01:15:02,524 --> 01:15:04,979 Let's just say goodbye. 1044 01:15:05,110 --> 01:15:07,149 And thank you. 1045 01:15:07,279 --> 01:15:10,114 - For what, sir? - Well, for... 1046 01:15:10,615 --> 01:15:13,865 ...always making me feel like I actually ran this place. 1047 01:15:13,994 --> 01:15:15,951 Good old Fort Baxter. 1048 01:15:16,746 --> 01:15:19,498 I guess your garden is one of the things you'll miss most. 1049 01:15:19,624 --> 01:15:21,451 Ah, yes. I love... 1050 01:15:21,584 --> 01:15:24,040 - Miss? Why miss? - The colonel hasn't heard? 1051 01:15:24,170 --> 01:15:28,085 - In that case, it must not be true. - What? Uh... they're closing Fort Baxter? 1052 01:15:28,216 --> 01:15:30,505 You didn't hear it from me. 1053 01:15:30,635 --> 01:15:33,719 Take good care of yourself in... I've said enough. 1054 01:15:33,888 --> 01:15:36,047 Have you heard where they're sending me? 1055 01:15:36,182 --> 01:15:39,598 - You're stepping on your flowers. - The hell with them! Where? 1056 01:15:39,727 --> 01:15:42,598 - Where are they sending me? - It's just rumour, sir. 1057 01:15:42,730 --> 01:15:46,182 Oh, that fair skin under the burning desert sun... 1058 01:15:46,734 --> 01:15:50,483 Oh, my God. The desert sun. 1059 01:15:50,613 --> 01:15:53,614 Remember, if you get lost, travel by night. 1060 01:15:53,741 --> 01:15:58,284 - How can they do this to me? - The hovertank test was the last straw. 1061 01:15:58,412 --> 01:16:01,034 Too bad they didn't schedule it this week. 1062 01:16:01,165 --> 01:16:03,122 Well... 1063 01:16:03,543 --> 01:16:05,500 - Goodbye. - Wha...? Wait! 1064 01:16:05,795 --> 01:16:09,579 - You mean the hovertank is working? - Oh, I know what you're thinking, sir: 1065 01:16:09,715 --> 01:16:12,206 ..."Arrange a public demonstration ASAP." 1066 01:16:12,343 --> 01:16:14,834 "Call the Pentagon and the Department of the Army." 1067 01:16:14,970 --> 01:16:17,806 - All right. - I've already taken that liberty, sir. 1068 01:16:17,932 --> 01:16:19,889 - Thank you. - Oh, that picture of you... 1069 01:16:20,017 --> 01:16:22,638 ...standing triumphant at the test. 1070 01:16:22,770 --> 01:16:26,305 That'll keep me warm on those lonely nights in Greenland. 1071 01:16:27,608 --> 01:16:29,814 In Greenland, sir. 1072 01:16:30,194 --> 01:16:32,233 Oh. Yes. 1073 01:16:32,363 --> 01:16:34,604 Well, goodbye. 1074 01:16:36,075 --> 01:16:37,617 - Ah, Bi... - Yes, sir? 1075 01:16:40,371 --> 01:16:43,288 If the test goes well, you won't be transferred. 1076 01:16:43,749 --> 01:16:46,287 Well, thank you, sir! I'm stunned! 1077 01:16:47,044 --> 01:16:49,286 Just as a formality, I've put that in writing. 1078 01:16:49,421 --> 01:16:53,004 If you could just sign here and here, and initial here. 1079 01:16:56,553 --> 01:16:58,676 - Here? - Uh, no. Here. 1080 01:16:59,389 --> 01:17:02,059 And I'll just notarise that. 1081 01:17:02,184 --> 01:17:05,719 - And I'll waive the usual ten-dollar fee. - Oh. Thank you. 1082 01:17:07,397 --> 01:17:09,723 Here you are. Good day. 1083 01:17:11,485 --> 01:17:13,561 No, it'll hover. But as before... 1084 01:17:13,695 --> 01:17:17,907 ...it will go completely haywire if we attempt to fire the cannon. 1085 01:17:18,033 --> 01:17:20,571 We know that. We just need a couple of hours with it. 1086 01:17:20,702 --> 01:17:24,700 - Let's get started. - It's a $70-million piece of equipment. 1087 01:17:24,831 --> 01:17:28,081 You think I'm gonna allow one of your men to fool around with it? 1088 01:17:28,210 --> 01:17:30,665 - I think not. - Oh. Mm-hm. 1089 01:17:30,837 --> 01:17:34,787 Oh, boy. Oh, my, is it hot in here or what? 1090 01:17:34,925 --> 01:17:37,961 What's this? Oh! I almost forgot I had these. 1091 01:17:38,094 --> 01:17:40,632 It's the IOUs from the poker game. 1092 01:17:40,764 --> 01:17:43,848 - Would he like to use my tools? - That would be nice. 1093 01:17:48,855 --> 01:17:52,354 - You saw it? - Yeah, it blew up the ammunition shed. 1094 01:17:52,567 --> 01:17:55,770 - A perfect hit. - (louder) The hovertank? 1095 01:17:55,904 --> 01:17:58,739 - I thought that thing was busted. - Yeah, it was. 1096 01:17:58,865 --> 01:18:00,739 But the kid, Wally, he fixed it. 1097 01:18:00,867 --> 01:18:03,156 He said the key was the... 1098 01:18:03,870 --> 01:18:05,827 The...? 1099 01:18:06,748 --> 01:18:09,749 The fire-control and super-elevator board. 1100 01:18:10,460 --> 01:18:14,409 - Imagine that. - Yeah, the super-elevator board. 1101 01:18:14,547 --> 01:18:19,672 And the great thing is, if it works at the demonstration, Bilko gets to stay. 1102 01:18:19,802 --> 01:18:21,759 Great! 1103 01:18:49,957 --> 01:18:51,914 Yeah. 1104 01:19:13,439 --> 01:19:17,732 - Wonderful to see you again, General. - You, too, Colonel. Mrs Hall. 1105 01:19:18,193 --> 01:19:22,143 - And, of course, you know Major Thorn. - Thorn. 1106 01:19:33,917 --> 01:19:35,874 (deep sigh) 1107 01:19:43,718 --> 01:19:47,087 - Tank crew ready, sir. - Very good, Bilko. General. 1108 01:19:47,222 --> 01:19:49,678 Master Sergeant Bilko. It's an honour to meet you. 1109 01:19:49,808 --> 01:19:53,259 - You look terrific! Have you lost weight? - Who is this? 1110 01:19:53,645 --> 01:19:58,271 Members of Congress, General Tennyson, colleagues from the defence industries... 1111 01:19:58,400 --> 01:20:00,558 ...distinguished guests, welcome. 1112 01:20:02,362 --> 01:20:04,853 The weapon system you are about to see today... 1113 01:20:04,990 --> 01:20:10,862 ...can be called the world's first truly all-terrain assault vehicle... 1114 01:20:10,995 --> 01:20:15,871 ...which I'm proud to say was developed entirely in-house, here at Fort Baxter. 1115 01:20:16,668 --> 01:20:21,211 I give you the armoured attack platform to lead American defence forces... 1116 01:20:21,339 --> 01:20:26,546 ...into the 21st century. The HTX-1 hovertank. 1117 01:20:37,063 --> 01:20:41,310 Water and rough terrain can stop an ordinary M1 or APC... 1118 01:20:41,442 --> 01:20:44,894 ...but the hovertank can literally rise above these obstacles. 1119 01:20:45,029 --> 01:20:48,730 And that is the capability we will show you here today. 1120 01:20:49,033 --> 01:20:51,405 Hovertank, you are looking good. 1121 01:20:53,246 --> 01:20:56,697 Hovertank, fire when ready. Hoo-ah! 1122 01:20:57,458 --> 01:20:58,454 (groans) 1123 01:21:13,057 --> 01:21:15,014 (applause) 1124 01:21:24,193 --> 01:21:26,898 Ha. This little bird packs a deadly punch. 1125 01:21:58,101 --> 01:21:59,928 Fire in the hole! 1126 01:22:34,346 --> 01:22:39,091 - You hit the wrong button, Rastahead! - It's not my fault! He wired it wrong! 1127 01:22:41,895 --> 01:22:43,389 Any questions? 1128 01:23:06,127 --> 01:23:08,285 Congratulations, honey. 1129 01:23:09,130 --> 01:23:11,039 - Home run, sir! - Thank you, Captain. 1130 01:23:11,174 --> 01:23:14,009 - We'll rush this baby into production. - Thank you. 1131 01:23:14,135 --> 01:23:17,835 Jack, I thank you on behalf of a grateful nation. 1132 01:23:17,972 --> 01:23:21,305 I just can't wait to see what you fellas come up with next. 1133 01:23:22,602 --> 01:23:25,556 Wait! Wait. The demonstration was rigged. 1134 01:23:25,688 --> 01:23:29,555 Ah, do I see politics in your future, sir? Perhaps a run at the Oval Office? 1135 01:23:29,692 --> 01:23:31,898 I've never given that serious consideration. 1136 01:23:32,028 --> 01:23:34,067 Wait! General! He faked it! 1137 01:23:34,196 --> 01:23:37,731 Didn't you see the gun was aimed at target three, but blew up target four? 1138 01:23:37,867 --> 01:23:39,277 Yes, I did. 1139 01:23:39,410 --> 01:23:42,280 If you remember Einstein's theory, space is curved. 1140 01:23:42,413 --> 01:23:45,283 - Yes. - And these are smart weapons. 1141 01:23:46,500 --> 01:23:49,786 Oh, cut the crap! He faked it. It's just one of his scams. 1142 01:23:50,045 --> 01:23:53,165 That's a serious charge. Colonel, what about this? 1143 01:23:53,299 --> 01:23:55,421 General, in all my years in the service... 1144 01:23:55,551 --> 01:23:58,884 ...I have never, not once, publicly berated a fellow officer. 1145 01:23:59,013 --> 01:24:02,880 But I realise now that from the moment Major Thorn set foot on Fort Baxter... 1146 01:24:03,016 --> 01:24:06,682 ...he engaged in a personal vendetta against Master Sergeant Bilko. 1147 01:24:06,812 --> 01:24:11,059 I find his conduct inexcusable, and will recommend an article 32 investigation. 1148 01:24:11,191 --> 01:24:12,983 - I see. - (Thorn) You don't understand. 1149 01:24:13,110 --> 01:24:17,487 He doesn't know what's going on. This sergeant leads him around by the nose! 1150 01:24:17,656 --> 01:24:21,440 Major! You are the most insubordinate officer I have ever met. 1151 01:24:22,828 --> 01:24:27,039 I'm telling you, he's a boob! He doesn't get it! They faked the whole thing! 1152 01:24:27,165 --> 01:24:31,911 I'd like to see just one piece of evidence to support these idiotic allegations. 1153 01:24:32,045 --> 01:24:37,419 Idiotic, huh? How's this for evidence? The fire-control and super-elevator board. 1154 01:24:37,551 --> 01:24:40,801 I took it out last night, so how can it work? 1155 01:24:48,812 --> 01:24:51,813 So you deliberately sabotaged this project, Major? 1156 01:24:51,940 --> 01:24:54,312 I got it all on tape. 1157 01:24:54,651 --> 01:24:56,311 Lucky. 1158 01:24:57,570 --> 01:24:59,528 (wind howling) 1159 01:25:02,492 --> 01:25:04,734 - Whoo! - Yeah, celebration time. 1160 01:25:04,869 --> 01:25:06,826 Chin-chin. 1161 01:25:08,164 --> 01:25:12,376 Because I know Pap knew it, and I... Stand, troops! 1162 01:25:14,420 --> 01:25:18,288 - You're in the presence of a genius. - (all) Hoo-ah! 1163 01:25:18,424 --> 01:25:23,300 You're a total kingpin. You got Thorn to sabotage something that didn't work! 1164 01:25:23,596 --> 01:25:28,258 Yeah, well, I couldn't have done it without our Wally. Where is he, where is the lad? 1165 01:25:28,393 --> 01:25:30,800 Here, Sarge. 1166 01:25:31,646 --> 01:25:35,145 I was just resetting the colonel's odometer. 1167 01:25:43,241 --> 01:25:46,277 - I told you Wally was all right. - OK. Glee club. 1168 01:26:01,467 --> 01:26:02,842 Oh, well. 1169 01:26:02,968 --> 01:26:08,176 Only you, only you, only you 1170 01:26:08,682 --> 01:26:13,724 Can make this change in me 1171 01:26:14,271 --> 01:26:19,229 Only you 1172 01:26:19,360 --> 01:26:22,563 You are my destiny 1173 01:26:22,863 --> 01:26:25,188 Destiny 1174 01:26:25,324 --> 01:26:30,780 When you hold my hand, I understand the 1175 01:26:30,913 --> 01:26:37,117 Magic that you do, magic that you do 1176 01:26:37,753 --> 01:26:43,209 Ooh, you're my dream come true 1177 01:26:43,342 --> 01:26:47,090 My one and only 1178 01:26:47,888 --> 01:26:48,801 You 1179 01:26:48,931 --> 01:26:49,926 Hum 1180 01:26:50,307 --> 01:26:51,587 Hum 1181 01:26:52,142 --> 01:26:55,807 It's only you 1182 01:26:57,189 --> 01:26:59,098 Very nice. 1183 01:26:59,232 --> 01:27:01,142 Aw, get up, Bilko. 1184 01:27:02,027 --> 01:27:07,863 Marry me, Rita. I know I'm a long shot, but sometimes long shots pay off big. 1185 01:27:11,328 --> 01:27:13,616 (soldiers cheer) 1186 01:27:17,334 --> 01:27:20,169 (organ plays "0nward, Christian Soldiers") 1187 01:27:35,435 --> 01:27:37,392 (music ends) 1188 01:27:42,025 --> 01:27:44,895 (organ resumes) 1189 01:28:00,293 --> 01:28:05,085 Don't even ask. I forgot it was daylight-savings time. Can you believe it? 1190 01:28:05,465 --> 01:28:08,002 Well, better late than never. 1191 01:28:14,307 --> 01:28:16,015 - Poker? - All right. 1192 01:28:16,767 --> 01:28:18,475 Nickel ante. 1193 01:28:20,062 --> 01:28:23,894 Let's make it interesting. One hand of showdown. 1194 01:28:24,275 --> 01:28:27,192 If I win, we get married. 1195 01:28:30,281 --> 01:28:32,487 Ernie, I don't think that's such a good idea. 1196 01:28:32,616 --> 01:28:36,744 I've never known you to chicken out of a game, whatever the stakes. 1197 01:28:43,210 --> 01:28:45,167 (whispers) You're on. 1198 01:28:47,089 --> 01:28:49,331 Well, well, well, what do you know? 1199 01:28:49,466 --> 01:28:52,218 - Full house. Jacks over threes. - You cheated! 1200 01:28:52,344 --> 01:28:54,218 - No, and we're getting married! - When? 1201 01:28:54,346 --> 01:28:57,181 Now! (blows whistle) 1202 01:29:03,939 --> 01:29:05,896 Daddy! 1203 01:29:06,316 --> 01:29:08,772 - Ow! - Dearly beloved, we are gathered here... 1204 01:29:08,902 --> 01:29:11,109 ...to witness the joining of these two good people in holy matrimony. 1205 01:29:11,238 --> 01:29:14,441 Rita Robbins, do you take Ernest Bilko to love, honour and cherish... 1206 01:29:14,574 --> 01:29:17,492 ...for richer or poorer... - Think we're moving too fast? 1207 01:29:17,619 --> 01:29:18,948 - I do. - Let's go! 1208 01:29:19,079 --> 01:29:22,827 - Do you, Ernest Bilko, take Rita... - Yeah, yeah, yeah. I do. 1209 01:29:22,958 --> 01:29:27,785 By the power vested in me, I pronounce you husband and wife. You may ki... 1210 01:29:29,673 --> 01:29:31,630 Ah. 1211 01:30:03,248 --> 01:30:05,786 Doo, doo-doo, doo, doo, doo, doo 1212 01:30:05,917 --> 01:30:08,669 Livin' in the USA 1213 01:30:08,795 --> 01:30:11,464 Doo, doo-doo, doo, doo, doo, doo 1214 01:30:11,589 --> 01:30:14,258 Livin' in the USA 1215 01:30:14,384 --> 01:30:16,709 Where are you goin' to? 1216 01:30:17,136 --> 01:30:19,462 What are you gonna do? 1217 01:30:19,597 --> 01:30:22,468 Do you think that it will be easy? 1218 01:30:22,600 --> 01:30:27,511 Do you think that it will be pleasin'? Hey, hey, what'd you say? 1219 01:30:27,647 --> 01:30:30,601 I won't pay, I'd rather play 1220 01:30:30,733 --> 01:30:35,360 It's my freedom Ah, don't worry about me, babe 1221 01:30:35,571 --> 01:30:37,860 I got to be free, babe 1222 01:30:38,532 --> 01:30:41,486 Hey, hey, hey, yeah 1223 01:30:42,662 --> 01:30:45,366 Doo, doo-doo, doo, doo, doo, doo 1224 01:30:45,498 --> 01:30:48,071 Livin' in the USA 1225 01:30:48,209 --> 01:30:50,878 Doo, doo-doo, doo, doo doo, doo 1226 01:30:51,003 --> 01:30:53,577 Livin' in the USA 1227 01:30:54,673 --> 01:30:59,134 Hey, we're gonna make it, baby 1228 01:31:00,054 --> 01:31:05,392 Yeah, we got to shake it, baby 1229 01:31:06,143 --> 01:31:12,181 Hey, gonna break it, girl, yeah, yeah, yeah, girl 1230 01:31:13,776 --> 01:31:16,101 Come on, baby, hey 1231 01:31:16,236 --> 01:31:17,565 Oh, hey 1232 01:31:17,863 --> 01:31:19,737 Oh, hey 1233 01:31:19,865 --> 01:31:23,199 In the USA, baby 1234 01:31:27,456 --> 01:31:30,291 Doo, doo-doo, doo, doo, doo, doo 1235 01:31:30,417 --> 01:31:31,876 Livin' in the USA 1236 01:31:32,002 --> 01:31:33,330 Don't worry about me, babe 1237 01:31:33,462 --> 01:31:35,834 Doo, doo-doo, doo, doo, doo, doo 1238 01:31:36,632 --> 01:31:39,798 Livin' in the USA Livin' in the USA 1239 01:31:39,927 --> 01:31:42,003 Doo, doo-doo, doo, doo, doo, doo 1240 01:31:42,679 --> 01:31:43,842 Livin' in the USA 1241 01:31:43,972 --> 01:31:45,929 I got to be free