- ♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
[monkey grunting]
- CAN MONKEYS SURF THE NET AND CORRUPT OUR KIDS?
CHIMPANZEE CHAT ROOMS NEXT ON SICK, SAD WORLD.
- PUT DOWN YOUR WEAPON. I SURRENDER.
- A LITTLE RESPECT FOR THE STIGMATA 5,000,
FINEST GLUE GUN ON THE MARKET.
- AND I THOUGHT YOU WERE ON YOUR WAY TO A SCI-FI CONVENTION.
- NO, THANKS.
REALITY'S BIZARRE ENOUGH FOR ME.
WHY DO I GET SO MUCH FUN OUT OF THIS?
- PAST LIFE AS A BARNACLE?
- DON'T TOUCH.
TOOK HOURS TO BUILD.
IT'S THE SUBJECT OF A PAINTING.
- YOU'RE GOING TO END UP ONE OF THOSE OLD LADIES
WHO BUILD THEIR HOUSES OUT OF BOTTLES, AREN'T YOU?
[dark heavy metal music]
♪ ♪
THERE GOES YOUR GENIUS GRANT.
- YEAH, BUT MAYBE TRENT WILL SHARE HIS WITH ME.
- THAT'S TRENT?
- COME ON, DARIA.
LET'S GO COMPLAIN ABOUT THE NOISE, HMM?
- I DON'T FIND IT A PROBLEM.
UM...I HAVE UNUSUALLY STURDY EAR DRUMS.
- I THINK TRENT'S BAND MIGHT HAVE AN OPENING FOR A FLY GIRL.
- I THINK I MIGHT HAVE AN OPENING FOR A NEW FRIEND.
♪ ♪
ISN'T THAT TWO GUITARS?
- YEAH, THE OTHER ONE'S JESSE.
HE PLAYS RHYTHM IN MYSTIC SPIRAL.
- MYSTIC SPIRAL?
- TRENT'S BAND.
- SOUNDS LIKE ONE OF THOSE DOORS COVER BANDS
THAT PLAY BREW PUBS.
- THEY WISH.
[dissonant heavy metal music]
♪ ♪
- ♪ YOU'RE AN ANGEL IN BLACK ♪
♪ YOU SURE HAVE THE KNACK ♪
♪ FOR PUTTING MY HEART ♪
♪ ON THE SHELF IN THE BACK ♪
♪ I'M WAITING MY TURN ♪
♪ OH, WHEN WILL I LEARN? ♪
♪ MY POOR HEART ♪
♪ YOU'RE GIVING IT ♪
♪ FREEZER BURN YEAH ♪
♪ ♪
- YO, TRENT!
YOU WANT TO TURN IT DOWN A BIT?
- ARE YOU KIDDING?
HEY, DARIA.
- [thinking] CAN'T SPEAK.
MUST SPEAK.
[out loud] HEY.
- WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE SONG?
- [thinking] IT HAS A BEAT, AND YOU CAN DANCE TO IT...
IF YOU HAVE NO SHAME.
[out loud] UM...COOL.
- IT'S CALLED ICEBOX WOMAN.
- YOU GUYS OUGHT TO COME TO THE NEXT MYSTIC SPIRAL GIG.
WE'LL PUT YOU ON THE LIST.
- DARIA THINKS THE NAME MYSTIC SPIRAL
SOUNDS LIKE A DOORS COVER BAND THAT PLAYS BREW PUBS,
DON'T YOU DARIA?
- THAT'S NOT EXACTLY WHAT I--
- HMM. MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.
WOULD IT HELP IF WE SPELLED "MYSTIC" WITH TWO Ys?
- [thinking] AND I'LL SPELL MY NAME D-A-R-Y-A
AND BE CROWNED MISS AMERICA.
[out loud] IT MIGHT.
- WE DOING A SHOW THIS WEEKEND?
- NAH, WE'RE GOING TO ALTERNAPALOOZA THIS WEEKEND.
- YOU'RE GOING TO ALTERNAPALOOZA?
- YEAH. IT'S WAY OUT IN SWEDESVILLE.
- YOU THINK YOUR CAR WILL MAKE IT?
- WE'RE BORROWING OUR DRUMMER'S VAN, THE TANK.
IT'S INDESTRUCTIBLE.
- YEAH, BUT YOU KNOW, JESS, IT EATS GAS.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO FOR GAS MONEY.
- I COULD PROBABLY SCROUNGE SOME UP
IF YOU LET US COME ALONG.
WE'D ENJOY THAT, WOULDN'T WE, DARIA?
- [thinking] PASS ME A GUITAR STRING
SO THAT I MIGHT SILENCE MY FRIEND.
[out loud] UH-HUH.
- OKAY. COOL.
WE'RE THERE, IF YOU CAN STAND
BEING COOPED UP IN A VAN WITH JESS AND ME FOR FOUR HOURS.
- FRIENDS DON'T LET
SHORT-WAISTED FRIENDS WEAR HIP HUGGERS.
- I HATE THESE BIG PLASTIC THINGS.
THEY'RE SO UGLY.
- IF I WERE GONNA SHOPLIFT, I WOULDN'T TAKE THAT CHEAP THING.
- QUINN, CHEAP IS IN THIS SEASON.
- OH, THEN GET IT, DEFINITELY.
- WHY ARE WE GOING TO ALTERNAPALOOZA?
ISN'T THAT FOR GIRLS WHO DON'T SHAVE?
- AS MEMBERS OF THE FASHION CLUB,
WE HAVE TO KEEP UP WITH THE LATEST TRENDS
IN MUSIC AND CLOTHES.
- AND SHOW EVERYONE THAT POPULAR KIDS
CAN BE AS ALTERNATIVE AS GEEKS.
- IS THIS ALTERNATIVE?
- IF YOU TUCK THE TOP IN, NO.
IF YOU LET IT HANG OUT, YES.
- DO I HAVE TO WEAR CLUNKY SHOES?
- UGH, WHEN YOU WEAR BIG SHOES,
THE REST OF YOU LOOKS EVEN CUTER BY COMPARISON.
- OH.
I GET IT.
MAYBE I'LL SHAVE MY HEAD.
[all laugh]
- YOU CRACK ME UP, QUINN.
- LOOK, TEMPORARY TATTOOS.
WHOO-HOO.
- QUINN, WHAT IS THAT THING ON YOUR ARM?
- DON'T WORRY, MOM.
IT'S FAKE.
- AW, YOU GOT A TATTOO TO MATCH YOUR PERSONALITY.
- I'M GOING TO ALTERNAPALOOZA THIS WEEKEND.
THIS IS SO I'LL FIT IN.
- AND IF SOME GUY NAMED PIG PEN ASKS YOU TO BE HIS OLD LADY,
HELL, YOU'LL BE READY.
- I'M ALSO THINKING OF HAVING
MY BELLY BUTTON PIERCED AT THE MALL.
- WHAT?
NO DAUGHTER OF MINE IS GONNA MUTILATE HER BODY
FOR THE SAKE OF SOME FAD!
- THEN CAN I HAVE $29.95 FOR A REMOVABLE NOSE RING?
NO PIERCING REQUIRED.
- GOOD IDEA.
YOU DON'T NEED ANY MORE HOLES IN YOUR HEAD.
- DARIA.
- SAY, MOM, DID YOU GO TO ANY FESTIVALS BACK IN THE '60s?
- OH, SURE.
I DID MY SHARE OF PARTYING.
- YOU MEAN YOU EXPERIMENTED WITH--
- NO.
YOUR FATHER WENT TO ONE
OF THE MOST FAMOUS FESTIVALS OF THE DECADE.
- WOODSTOCK?
- ALTAMONT.
TERRIBLE TRAGEDY, BUT I DEMANDED MY MONEY BACK,
AND I GOT IT.
- WASN'T ALTAMONT FREE?
- [laughs]
THAT'S THE SAME LINE THEY TRIED TO USE ON ME.
- WHERE'D YOU GET THAT EYE-POPPING POLYESTER NUMBER?
- DARIA, IT'S ALL ABOUT KNOWING WHERE TO SHOP.
WOW, YOU LOOK ALMOST NORMAL.
IS THIS SOME KIND OF TRICK?
- NO.
I'M GOING TO ALTERNAPALOOZA.
- [scoffs]
- DON'T PANIC.
I THINK WE'LL BE ABLE TO LOSE EACH OTHER IN A CROWD OF 10,000.
- I GUESS.
YOU'RE NOT GOING TO ALTERNAPALOOZA
WITH THAT TOP TUCKED IN ARE YOU?
- HAVE FUN AT THE CONCERT, DEAR.
- UM...THANKS.
- [laughs]
HEY, STAY AWAY FROM THE BROWN--
- JAKE.
- REMEMBER, DARIA, JUST SAY "NO."
HERE'S A 20, FOR SOUVENIRS OR WHAT HAVE YOU.
I GAVE ONE TO QUINN TOO.
GET YOURSELF SOMETHING RAD.
- THANKS.
UH...WHAT ARE YOU GUYS GONNA DO TODAY?
- PAY THE BILLS.
- WASH THE CARS.
- WOW, WELL, REMEMBER TO TAKE
PLENTY OF REST BREAKS, AND STAY HYDRATED.
BYE.
- ♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
- [adopts French accent] OOH, LA, LA.
IS THAT LIPSTICK?
- I JUST HAD A LOLLIPOP.
- SURE YOU DID, KID.
- READY?
SORRY, THERE'S ONLY TWO SEATS UP HERE,
BUT THERE'S PLENTY OF SPACE IN THE BACK.
- DARIA, WHY DON'T YOU SIT IN FRONT WITH TRENT?
- OH, I'D MUCH RATHER BE IN THE BACK WITH YOU, JANE.
[to Jane] EASIER TO GET TO YOUR NECK.
- GIRL TALK, HUH?
- YOU KNOW DARIA.
SHE'S A REGULAR CHATTERBOX.
- [grunting]
- WATCH YOUR HEAD.
- YOU KNOW THE PROBLEM WITH ALTERNATIVE BANDS?
- UH, THEY'RE A BUNCH OF CRYBABIES WHO SUCK AT SPORTS?
- YEAH.
[all laugh]
- YOU THINK THE CHICKS AT THIS THING WILL BE PIERCED?
- YEAH, PIERCING IS SO STUPID.
- IT'S BAD ENOUGH WHEN THEY HAVE BRACES.
- COOL, NOSE RING, QUINN.
- YOU LOOK REALLY ALTERNATIVE.
- YEAH, I NEVER REALIZED YOUR NOSE WAS SO...HOT.
- YO, HI, I'M DOLORES.
I'M DOING 10 TO 15 FOR ARMED ROBBERY.
WHAT ARE YOU IN FOR?
- MY HEAD HURTS.
- THE COPS DID THAT TO YOU, DIDN'T THEY?
BASTARDS.
- HEY, JANE, GOT ANY CHANGE?
- HEY, TRENT, GOT ANY SHAME?
I ALREADY GAVE YOU ALL MY CASH.
- OH, MAN, THAT WAS CURTIS STALANO.
- WHO?
- HE GRADUATED WITH US.
NOW HE'S WORKING IN A TOLL BOOTH.
WHOA.
- YOU'D NEVER CATCH ME IN A JOB LIKE THAT.
- [thinking] BECAUSE IT FALLS UNDER
THE CATEGORY OF EMPLOYMENT.
- HEY, MAN, WE'RE ARTISTS.
WHO KNOWS WHERE WE'LL BE IN FIVE YEARS?
- [thinking] STILL LIVING OVER YOUR PARENTS' GARAGE?
- SAY IT, DARIA.
WHATEVER YOU'RE THINKING, SAY IT.
IF YOU DON'T, THEY'LL GO ON LIKE THIS FOR HOURS.
- WE'VE GOT A VISION.
- EYES ON THE PRIZE, MAN.
EYES ON THE PRIZE.
- YEAH, AND THIS GUY'S NOT ABOUT SELLING OUT.
- NO, WAY.
- 'CAUSE FOR THAT TO HAPPEN,
YOU'D NEED SOMEONE INTERESTED IN BUYING.
WELL, SOMEONE HAD TO PICK UP THE SLACK.
- "IF YOU LIVED HERE, YOU'D BE HOME BY NOW."
- AND BORED OUT OF YOUR MIND.
[all laugh]
- GOOD ONE, DARIA.
- CAN SOMEBODY OPEN UP A WINDOW, PLEASE?
- WISH I COULD.
ALL THE HANDLES ARE MISSING.
WHOA, DIDN'T SEE THAT ONE COMING.
- LET US KNOW IF YOU DO SEE ONE COMING.
- ANYBODY ELSE SMELL PEANUT BUTTER?
- WHAT AM I SITTING ON?
- LOOKS LIKE A SANDWICH,
AND IT'S AN ANTIQUE.
- I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
GORDON AND VICTORIA?
SHE'S 6 INCHES TALLER THAN HIM.
WHAT'S SHE THINKING?
- THAT PEANUT BUTTER'S MAKING ME HUNGRY.
[bee buzzing]
- KILLER BEE ALERT! - GREAT.
- HEY, JESSE, HAND ME THAT MAP.
COME HERE, YOU STUPID--
HOLD STILL, DARIA.
YOU'RE MINE, STING BOY.
whap!
- OUCH!
HE STUNG ME.
- HE'LL NEVER DO IT AGAIN.
- WHY DIDN'T I JUST STAY HOME,
WHERE IT'S NICE AND QUIET AND NOTHING EVER HAPPENS?
- WHOO!
- [laughs]
STOP IT!
- OOH, FOXY LADY!
[laughs]
- I HATE TO TELL YOU THIS,
BUT THERE'S A BIG GREASY SPOT
OF PEANUT BUTTERY GOODNESS ON YOUR BUTT.
- OF COURSE THERE IS.
- OKAY, THAT'S A MEAT LOAF, OPEN TURKEY WITH FRIES,
BOX OF FROSTED FLAKES-- THOSE ARE PRETTY SMALL, HON.
JUST ONE?
- YOU'RE RIGHT. MAKE IT FIVE.
- AND YOU?
- DRY TOAST AND TEA, PLEASE.
- I THOUGHT YOU LOOKED DEPRESSED.
YOU WANT A BOOSTER SEAT?
[laughs]
FIVE BOXES OF FLAKES AND ONE NAUSEA DELIGHT.
YOU KIDS GOING TO THAT ROCK AND ROLL SHINDIG
OUT NEAR SWEDESVILLE?
- NO, WE MADE A WRONG TURN ON OUR WAY TO PARIS.
[all chuckle]
- YOU GOT A MOUTH ON YOU, DON'T YOU?
- WHY?
- EVER THOUGHT OF BECOMING A WAITRESS?
- WHAT'S THAT SMELL?
- UGH, A SKUNK.
- ♪ OH, YEAH ♪
- CAN YOU RIG THAT GLUE GUN OF YOURS TO SHOOT BULLETS?
I'M READY TO END MY SUFFERING.
- WELL, YOU'RE NOT YOUR USUAL SUNNY SELF.
- I'VE GOT A BUMP ON MY HEAD, A BUG BITE ON MY ARM,
A SANDWICH ON MY ASS--
- AND ALL IN FRONT OF TRENT.
- NOW TURN THE KNIFE COUNTERCLOCKWISE.
I CAN'T GO BACK OUT THERE.
YOU GO ON TO ALTERNAPALOOZA.
TOMORROW, I'LL EMERGE AND BEGIN MY NEW LIFE AS A WAITRESS.
- DARIA, IF THERE'S ONE THING I KNOW ABOUT MY BROTHER,
IT'S THAT HE'S OBLIVIOUS.
THERE'S NO NEED TO BE SELF-CONSCIOUS.
- OKAY.
- NOW, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT THAT STAIN ON YOUR BUTT?
I'M KIDDING.
IT LOOKS ALTERNATIVE.
- ♪ I'D LIKE TO CLIMB ♪
♪ INSIDE YOUR HEAD ♪
♪ WATCH THE WHEELS WORKING ♪
♪ LIKE HORSES ON THE CAROUSEL ♪
♪ AND I SEE YOU GRIN TO ME ♪
- THIS IS LIKE THAT R.E.M. VIDEO,
EXCEPT YOU CAN'T READ ANYONE'S MIND.
[horns honking]
- I SHOULDN'T HAVE HAD THAT TEA.
- YOU HAVE TO GO?
THERE'S SOME TREES OVER THERE.
- WHAT'S A MATTER, DARIA?
YOU GOT TO WHIZ?
- WHAT'S WRONG?
- IT'S DARIA.
SHE HAS TO PEE.
- YOU HAVE TO PEE, DARIA?
YOU COULD PEE BEHIND THOSE TREES.
SEE THOSE TREES?
YOU COULD PEE BEHIND THERE.
- IF I'M NOT BACK IN TEN MINUTES, DON'T SEND HELP.
- ♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
- I KNEW I SHOULD HAVE TAKEN BALLET.
STOP STARING AT ME, YOU SQUIRREL PERVERT!
OW!
- YOU COOL, DARIA?
- YEAH, I'M READY FOR MY ABUSE, MR. DEMILLE.
- HEY, I THINK THE TRAFFIC'S LETTING UP.
- THEY'RE NOT GONNA MAKE FUN OF ME?
- FOR PEEING IN THE WOODS?
THEY'RE IN A BAND, DARIA.
THOSE BOYS PUKE ON EACH OTHER ON A REGULAR BASIS.
- THAT REMINDS ME, YOU OWE ME A SHIRT.
- UGH, STRETCH PANTS.
EVERYWHERE, STRETCH PANTS.
- HEY, THESE ARE STRETCH PANTS.
I'M WEARING STRETCH PANTS!
[hyperventilating]
- THEY'RE LEGGINGS.
THEY'RE LEGGINGS.
IT'S ALL RIGHT.
- THREE CHEESEBURGER DELUXE,
FOUR SMALL HOUSE SALADS...
WITH OIL AND VINEGAR ON THE SIDE.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN THEY DON'T HAVE BATHROOMS AT THIS THING?
IS THIS YOUR IDEA OF A JOKE?
- BUT, BABE--
- BRITTANY, HOW CAN YOU BE SO NAIVE?
IT'S STRICTLY PORTABLE TOILETS.
- NO WAY. GROSS.
NEXT YOU'LL BE TELLING ME I HAVE TO SIT ON THE GROUND.
- YOUR TURN, TRENT. WE'RE UP TO "D."
- I'M GOING TO THE PICNIC.
I'M BRINGING ASBESTOS INSULATION, BRINE SHRIMP,
THE CRYOGENICALLY FROZEN HEAD OF WALT DISNEY,
AND A DROMEDARY.
- I'M GOING TO THE PICNIC,
AND I'M BRINGING ASBESTOS INSULATION, BRINE SHRIMP,
THE CRYOGENICALLY FROZEN HEAD OF WALT DISNEY,
A DROMEDARY, AND A EUROCENTRIC VIEW OF WORLD HISTORY.
- I'M GOING TO THE PICNIC, AND I'M BRINGING--
crash!
- MY GLASSES.
- SORRY.
HEY, JANEY, I SAW THAT ONE COMING.
- DON'T WORRY, I CAN FIX 'EM.
- YOU NEED THE GLUE GUN?
- KEEP THAT THING AWAY FROM ME.
YOU'LL MISS AND GLUE MY EYELIDS SHUT.
- THERE'S SOME TAPE IN THE BACK THERE.
- DUCT TAPE. GREAT.
- IT'S FINE.
IT LOOKS ALTERNATIVE.
[engine hissing]
[engine knocking]
- NOW MY DAY'S COMPLETE.
- WASN'T THAT YOUR COUSIN BACK THERE?
- WHAT?
- WHAT'S THAT SMELL?
- UGH, FERTILIZER!
- WHAT DO WE DO NOW?
- THERE'S A NOISE WALL UP AHEAD.
THERE MUST BE HOUSES BEHIND IT.
DARIA, YOU AND TRENT WAIT HERE.
JESSE AND I WILL FIND A PHONE AND CALL FOR HELP.
[to Daria] GREAT PLAN, HUH?
- OUTLET SHOPPING!
- CHANGE OF PLANS.
- WHAT?
- NO WAY. NO WAY. - YOU'RE KIDDING ME.
- COME ON. UGH.
- WHAT IS THAT? A PYRAMID?
- A MOUNTAIN.
- A SQUARE.
- A CLOTHES HANGER.
OUTLET SHOPPING!
- HEY!
[soft guitar music]
♪ ♪
- [humming]
- WHAT CHORD IS THAT?
- "G."
- OH.
♪ ♪
- [humming]
- UM...NICE TATTOO. TRIBAL?
- MAORI.
I COPIED IT OUT OF TATTOO WORLD'S INTERNATIONAL ISSUE.
- VERY GRAPHIC AND... MEANINGFUL.
- YEAH. IT MAKES A STATEMENT.
YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS?
- [thinking] I GOT A TATTOO OUT OF A MAGAZINE?
- I GOT A TATTOO OUT OF A MAGAZINE.
[both laugh]
- I GUESS IT'S BETTER THAN TRYING TO COPY ONE OFF THE TV.
- DARIA, DO YOU EVER FEEL LIKE MAYBE YOU ARE WASTING YOUR LIFE?
- ONLY WHEN I'M AWAKE.
- LIKE, NO MONEY, NO JOB, YOU LIVE WITH YOUR PARENTS,
AND YOU STILL CAN'T PLAY IN OPEN "D" TUNING.
- WELL, I HAVEN'T HAD THOSE EXACT THOUGHTS.
- MAYBE I WILL END UP A TOWNIE DOING DOORS COVERS.
I MEAN, WHO'S TO SAY, RIGHT?
- UM...YOU KNOW, TRENT, IT TAKES A LOT OF GUTS
TO GO AFTER A DREAM,
ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU KNOW THAT FAILURE CAN MEAN
SPENDING THE REST OF YOUR LIFE
PLAYING L.A. WOMAN... IN PUBLIC.
- HMM. I GUESS.
- AND EVEN IF IT DOESN'T WORK OUT, AT LEAST FOR NOW,
YOU'RE DOING EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT TO.
- YEAH, THAT'S TRUE.
- A LOT OF PEOPLE NEVER EVEN GET THAT FAR.
- I GUESS I'M NOT DOING TOO BAD.
YOU KNOW, DARIA, SOMETIMES IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE
YOU'RE IN HIGH SCHOOL.
- I FIND THE SITUATION UNBELIEVABLE MYSELF.
- YOU'RE PRETTY COOL.
- THANKS.
- YO. - SO?
- THERE WAS NOTHING BEHIND THAT WALL BUT A CORNFIELD,
AND THE CORN WASN'T VERY HELPFUL.
- HELPFUL CORN, THAT'S A COOL NAME FOR A BAND.
- EVEN BETTER THAN MYSTIC SPIRAL, HUH, DARIA?
[engine turns over]
ALL RIGHT.
- I KNEW THIS WOULD COME IN HANDY.
- STOP POINTING THAT THING AT ME.
- LET'S GO.
WE CAN STILL CATCH SOME OF THE SHOW.
- UH, MAYBE NOT.
- WHY'S EVERYONE GOING THE WRONG WAY?
- THE CONCERT'S OVER, MAN.
- IT WAS AMAZING.
WHERE AM I?
- IS HE ALL RIGHT?
- OH, YEAH, HE'S COOL, JUST,
YOU KNOW, A LITTLE SLEEPY.
- ARE YOU MY MOMMY?
- [humming]
[pancake batter sizzling]
I SHOULD REALLY MAKE PANCAKES MORE OFTEN.
THE BATTER'S SO SENSUAL.
- LIKE BATTER, LIKE CHEF.
- HI, GIRLS.
- HOW WAS THE FESTIVAL?
- ♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
Captioning by CaptionMax www.captionmax.com
♪ LA-LA, LA ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪