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- I DON'T THINK YOU'VE THOUGHT THIS THROUGH.
WHAT DO YOU DO WITH THE HOSTAGES ONCE YOU GET TO THE AIRPORT?
- THEY'RE COMING WITH ME.
WE'RE TALKING PARTY PLANE ALL THE WAY TO LIBYA.
- RITA, THAT IS SO WONDERFUL.
I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU,
YOU AND ERIN BOTH.
- UH, YOU'D BETTER TAKE A HIKE.
- WHAT?
- MY MOM'S TALKING TO MY AUNT RITA.
THIS ISN'T GONNA BE PRETTY.
- GOTCHA'.
LATER, HUH?
- THAT REMAINS TO BE SEEN.
- I CAN'T BELIEVE IT,
LITTLE ERIN GETTING MARRIED.
SHE'S NOT RUSHING INTO THIS, I HOPE.
OH, NO, NO, OF COURSE NOT.
21 IS--
I'M NOT IMPLYING ANYTHING.
FOR GOODNESS SAKE, RITA.
I'M JUST--
THIS IS SO EXCITING.
WHERE?
UH-HUH.
THAT SOUNDS LOVELY.
I PRESUME MOM'S FOOTING THE BILL.
NO, NO, I...
- YOUR COUSIN ERIN IS GETTING MARRIED.
- SO I GATHERED.
- YOU KNOW THERE'LL BE HELL TO PAY.
- WELL, I GUESS YOU ALL HEARD THE WONDERFUL NEWS.
LITTLE ERIN IS GETTING MARRIED
AT THE WINDSOR HILLS RESORT IN LEEVILLE.
- WHOA.
THAT'LL SET RITA BACK A PRETTY PENNY.
- NOT RITA. MOTHER.
NOTHING BUT THE BEST
FOR HER FAVORITE DAUGHTER'S DARLING OFFSPRING.
- WINDSOR HILLS.
THEY'VE GOT THAT LEGENDARY 13TH HOLE.
- FORGET IT, JAKE. NO GOLF.
WEDDING.
- I'M ALMOST SORRY I'M GONNA MISS THIS.
- ON THE CONTRARY, SWEETIE,
YOU AND QUINN ARE GOING TO BE BRIDESMAIDS.
I MADE SURE OF THAT.
- BRIDESMAIDS?
- CAN I DYE MY HAIR IF THE DRESS DOESN'T MATCH?
- WHAT A HIDEOUS TWIST OF FATE.
ME, A BRIDESMAID.
- AW, IT WON'T BE THAT BAD.
I MEAN, SURE, YOU'LL HAVE TO WEAR
SOME FRILLY PEACH-COLORED DRESS
THAT MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE A CIRCUS FREAK,
AND YOU'LL BE PINCHED BY INCONTINENT OLD UNCLES
WHO THINK YOU'RE STILL SIX YEARS OLD.
- HERE WE ARE.
- I'M SORRY.
WE ONLY DO WEDDINGS.
NO FUNERALS.
- BELIEVE ME, I'D PREFER A FUNERAL.
- DEARIE, YOU DON'T HAVE TO GET MARRIED
IF YOU DON'T WANT TO.
OR DO YOU?
- [sighs]
I'M A BRIDESMAID IN THE CHAMBERS-DANIELSON WEDDING.
[keys clacking]
MM-HMM, MMM.
AH, HERE IT IS.
PITY. THEY'RE SUCH LOVELY DRESSES.
NATURE DIDN'T SEE FIT TO GIVE YOU MUCH IN THE WAY OF HIPS,
DID SHE, DEARIE?
- I THINK I'M GONNA BE ILL.
IS THAT A PROBLEM FOR YOU?
- TURN AROUND, PLEASE.
- OH, SCARLET, YOU GROW LOVELIER BY THE DAY.
- I WILL KILL YOU
AND BURY YOUR BODY IN THIS DRESS.
- DARIA?
both: WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
- ISN'T IT OBVIOUS?
AN ARAB SHEIK'S IN TOWN TO BUY A FEW MORE WIVES.
- THEY'RE PUTTING ON A BRIDAL EXPO IN THE GYM.
WE'RE MODELING.
- A BRIDAL EXPO?
THAT'S A GOOD MESSAGE TO SEND HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS.
- IT'S A FUNDRAISER FOR EXTRACURRICULAR ACTIVITIES.
- I WONDER WHAT KIND OF EXTRACURRICULAR ACTIVITIES
WOULD LEAD TO A WEDDING.
- WHAT ABOUT YOU?
ARE YOU IN A PLAY OR SOMETHING?
- YES, I'M PLAYING MRS. LINCOLN
AFTER SHE WENT CRAZY.
- I DIDN'T KNOW SHE WENT CRAZY.
- OH, YEAH, THAT'S WHY LINCOLN SHOT HIMSELF.
- WOW.
- COME ON, BRITTANY, LET'S FINISH OUR FITTING
AND I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT NICE MR. LINCOLN
AND HOW HE DIED.
- YOU MEAN THE BULLET DIDN'T KILL HIM?
- OUCH. - HOLD STILL.
I'M HAVING A HARD ENOUGH TIME WITH YOUR BODY AS IT IS.
- WELL, I THINK MY HUMILIATION IS COMPLETE NOW.
- IT DOES MATCH MY HAIR.
- I SPOKE TOO SOON.
- I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU WOULDN'T LET ME BRING MY GOLF CLUBS.
- JAKE, WE'RE HERE TO SEE MY FAMILY,
NOT TO HAVE FUN.
- WHO'S ESCORTING YOUR SISTER TO THIS ANYWAY?
- WELL, SHE DUMPED THE SCULPTOR,
THE SKYDIVING INSTRUCTOR HAD THAT HORRIBLE ACCIDENT,
AND I BELIEVE THAT THAT BRUNO IS IN SOME FEDERAL FACILITY.
SO I DON'T KNOW.
- THAT RITA SURE KNOWS HOW TO PICK 'EM.
- WOW.
- RED RUM. RED RUM.
- THIS'LL COST YOUR MOTHER A FORTUNE.
- WELL, WHAT ELSE SHOULD SHE SPEND HER MONEY ON,
SOMETHING BORING LIKE COLLEGE FUNDS
FOR HER OTHER GRANDDAUGHTERS?
- [laughs]
HEY!
- I JUST KEEP TELLING MYSELF
THAT ERIN HASN'T HAD THE ADVANTAGES OUR GIRLS HAVE.
- ADVANTAGES?
- YOU GOT ME.
- YOU KNOW, IF THE GIRLS SEE US, WE'RE GONNA DIE.
THEY SAID WE'D MAKE THEM SELF-CONSCIOUS.
- ARE YOU KIDDING?
THEY WANT US TO COME, BRO.
THAT'S WHY THEY TOLD US NOT TO.
- HUH?
- THEY KNEW IF THEY INVITED US TO A BRIDAL EXPO,
THERE'S NO WAY WE'D GO NEAR THE PLACE.
- THEN, UH, WHY ARE WE HERE?
- FORBIDDEN FRUITS, MAN.
FORBIDDEN FRUITS.
- WHEN YOU HEAR YOURSELF TALK, DOES IT MAKE SENSE TO YOU?
- SOMETIMES.
- HEY, FELLAS, JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW
WE WELCOME SAME-SEX PARTNERS.
WHAT YOU DO WITH THE RING IS YOUR BUSINESS.
- THIS IS AN EXPENSIVE VEHICLE.
BE CAREFUL WITH IT.
- YEAH, RIGHT.
- HELEN.
- RITA.
- HOW ARE YOU, JAKE?
- WELL, I'M NOT BAD-- - OH, THE GIRLS LOOK LOVELY.
BUT DARIA, WHY DIDN'T YOU GET THE SAME DRESS
AS THE OTHER BRIDESMAIDS?
- I DID.
- I'M SORRY ABOUT THE REHEARSAL DINNER, RITA.
I HAD MEETINGS ALL YESTERDAY AFTERNOON,
AND BY THE TIME WE GOT ON THE ROAD--
- EVERYONE, THIS IS PAUL, MY BEAU.
- HELLO.
- PAUL MEYERSON?
- JAKE?
JAKE AND I WERE IN BOY SCOUTS TOGETHER.
YOU BRING YOUR CLUBS?
- OH. MMM.
- DAD, WHAT WAS THAT YOU SAID ABOUT KNOWING HOW TO PICK 'EM?
- OH, DARIA.
[laughs]
- WOW, WHO'S THAT?
- AUNT AMY?
- I DON'T MIND A FEW DENTS,
BUT CHANGE THE RADIO STATION, AND YOU'RE A DEAD MAN.
- AMY, HOW DELIGHTFUL.
I THOUGHT WEREN'T COMING.
- I WASN'T.
BUT I FIGURED IF YOU TWO COULD PUT ASIDE
THE YEARS OF BITTERNESS AND RESENTMENT,
THEN SO COULD I FOR A DAY.
- OH, AMY, WHY DO YOU SAY SUCH RIDICULOUS THINGS?
- OUT LOUD?
SO, JAKE, YOU'RE STILL WITH HELEN, HUH?
- WELL, UH-- - SHOW'S REMARKABLE FORTITUDE.
AND, ROGER, HOW'S THE SKYDIVING GOING?
- AMY, ROGER PASSED AWAY.
THIS IS PAUL.
- OH, SORRY.
PAUL, HOW DO YOU DO?
- WHO'S ROGER?
- HE FELL ONTO A COW.
- ICK.
- AND HE WAS ONE OF THE LUCKY ONES.
- GIRLS.
- HEY, WHAT'S THE POINT OF A SENSELESS TRAGEDY
IF YOU CAN'T FIND A LITTLE HUMOR IN IT?
I LIKE THE WAY YOU THINK, DARIA.
- NOW, AMY, I'M NOT SURE WHERE WE'RE GONNA SEAT YOU.
- I NEED A DRINK. - HA-HA.
- WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING?
- HA.
[sighs]
- WOW, AUNT AMY'S REALLY WEIRD.
- YEAH.
- HAVE YOU SEEN ERIN'S DRESS? - OH.
OH, IT'S GORGEOUS.
I LOVE THE LITTLE FLOWER.
- OH, IT CAN'T RAIN ON BRIAN AND ERIN'S WEDDING.
IT JUST CAN'T.
- THAT WOULD BE SO AWFUL.
I COULDN'T STAND IT.
- ON THE CONTRARY,
RAIN IS AN ANCIENT SYMBOL OF FERTILITY.
EVERY COUPLE SHOULD BE SO LUCKY.
- OH, DON'T YOU SEE?
A LITTLE RAIN WON'T SPOIL THE HAPPIEST DAY
OF BRIAN AND ERIN'S LIFE.
IT MAY RAIN OUT THERE,
BUT IN HERE, THE SUN WILL BE SHINING.
- WE ARE NOW ENTERING HELL.
PLEASE KEEP YOUR HANDS AND ELBOWS INSIDE THE CAR.
- YOU MUST BE ERIN'S COUSINS.
- I AM, BUT DARIA IS, UM, HER COUSIN.
- WHAT? - NEVER MIND.
- ACTUALLY, I'M IN THE WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM.
THE MORGENDORFFERS WERE KIND ENOUGH TO TAKE ME IN
AFTER MY REAL FAMILY WAS EXTERMINATED BY THE MOB.
- OH.
WELL, HOW COME YOU DIDN'T GET
THE SAME DRESS AS THE REST OF US?
- I DID.
- ANYWAY, IT'S TOO BAD YOU GUYS MISSED THE REHEARSAL DINNER.
IT WAS SO FUN.
LET ME INTRODUCE YOU TO YOUR ESCORTS.
DARIA, QUINN, THIS IS GARRETT.
- HI.
- GARRETT'LL BE WITH QUINN.
- OF COURSE.
- QUINN, YOU'RE JUST ABOUT
THE LOVELIEST LITTLE THING I EVER SAW.
- THANKS.
DO YOU THINK YOU COULD GET ME A SODA
WITH JUST AN EENSIE-WEENSIE SLICE OF LEMON, PLEASE?
- DARIA, THIS IS YOUR ESCORT, LURMAN.
- OF COURSE.
- HOW DO YOU DO, DURIAH?
- IT'S DARIA, ACTUALLY.
- SORRY.
SO, UM, LURMAN,
IS THAT YOUR FIRST NAME OR YOUR LAST NAME?
- DOES IT MATTER?
- WELL, THEY SEEM TO BE HITTING IT OFF.
- OH, YEAH.
- SHE'S ROUGH. SHE'S TOUGH.
SHE'S LOVELY.
OUR SANDY IS IN A SILK AND RAWHIDE OUTFIT
BY HORACE OF BEVERLY HILLS,
PROVING THAT THE HAPPIEST DAY OF YOUR LIFE
DOESN'T HAVE TO BE DULL.
STICK 'EM UP, HOMBRES.
[applause]
- [snoring]
- VA-VA-VA-VOOM.
HERE'S LOVELY BRITTANY IN A SLEEK AND SATINY NUMBER
FROM LE VERVE THAT SAYS, "THIS MAY BE MY WEDDING DAY,
BUT DARN IT, I WANT TO DANCE."
- WAKE UP. IT'S BRITTANY.
- OH, WHAT? HUH?
OH, MAN.
- HEY, HEY, HEY.
- YOU LOSER.
- COME ON.
- UM, I THINK YOU'RE BLOWING OUR COVER.
- KEVIN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
- SURPRISE, BABE.
- [squeals]
[birds chirping]
- AND AS WE SHARE THE JOY OF THIS LOVELY YOUNG COUPLE,
BRIAN AND ERIN,
WE ARE COMPELLED TO ASK, WHAT IS LOVE?
YES, LOVE,
LIKE A TINY RIVULET
WHICH BEGIN IN THE HIGH MOUNTAINS,
NORMALLY AFTER TWISTING AND TURNING FOR THOUSANDS OF MILES,
OVERCOMING UNCOUNTABLE OBSTACLES,
MUST EVENTUALLY MEET AND MERGE
WITH THAT GREAT OCEAN OF LOVE
WHICH IS ITS BIRTHRIGHT AND ITS DESTINY.
- [chortles]
IT WAS HER.
- BABE, I SAID I WAS SORRY.
- WHAT IF THERE HAD BEEN SOMEONE THERE
FROM A MAJOR TALENT AGENCY?
WHAT THEN?
- WELL, UH, I GUESS THEY'D HAVE SEEN
THAT YOU'RE TALENTED.
- OH, THAT'S WHAT YOU GUESS, IS IT?
MORE LIKELY THEY'D GUESS I WAS DATING
THE KING OF THE JERKS, AND THEY'D BE RIGHT.
WOW.
LOOK AT ALL THESE FLOWERS.
ARE THESE FOR SALE OR JUST DISPLAY?
- SO THEY SAID TO ME,
"WHY DON'T WE WE JUST MAKE YOU VP
AND HAVE YOU TAKE OVER THE WHOLE DAMN OPERATION?"
AND HERE I WAS, 29 YEARS OLD.
- YEAH, YOU MENTIONED.
SO HOW DID YOU MEET RITA?
- WELL, YOU KNOW, WE BOTH LOVE THE SEA.
I HAVE A SAIL BOAT.
- AND SHE'S A LITTLE DINGY.
[laughs]
I'M KIDDING, OF COURSE.
- WELL, LET'S FACE IT, RITA'S A LITTLE FLIGHTY,
BUT SHE'S A TIGER IN THE BEDROOM.
- KEEP POURING.
- YEAH, WELL, I GUESS IT RUNS IN THE FAMILY.
- [mutters unintelligibly]
- MM-HMM.
WHAT DID YOU SAY?
- JUST MORE POINTLESS CHITCHAT.
FORGET IT.
[slurps]
[groans]
WOULD YOU LIKE ANOTHER SODA?
- NO, UM--
- OR SHALL WE JUST SPLIT A BOTTLE OF DRAIN CLEANER?
PLEASE BE ASSURED THAT MY REMARK WAS INTENDED IN JEST
AND NOT AS AN INCITEMENT TO ANY TYPE
OF ACTUAL SELF-DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOR.
- YOU'RE NOT FROM AROUND HERE, ARE YOU?
- DARIA, THERE YOU ARE.
I CAN'T BELIEVE I DIDN'T GET TO SEE YOU BEFORE THE WEDDING.
- IT WAS A LOVELY CEREMONY.
- OH, BUT YOU HAVEN'T MET BRIAN.
ISN'T HE MARVELOUS?
HE WORKS FOR THE GOVERNMENT.
INTELLIGENCE.
- ERIN.
- I KNOW, I KNOW, I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO SAY ANYTHING.
BUT ISN'T IT EXCITING?
- IF OUR NATIONAL SECURITY IS COMPROMISED,
YOU CAN BET THERE'S A WOMAN AT THE BOTTOM OF IT.
- OH, YOU.
- OH, GOD.
- HEY, DARIA, HOW COME YOU'RE NOT WEARING THE SAME DRESS
AS EVERYBODY ELSE?
- I AM.
I THINK I'LL GO TO THE--
- LITTLE GIRLS' ROOM?
- YEAH, THE LITTLE GIRLS' ROOM.
I'M GONNA POWDER MY NOSE
AND THEN CHECK THE SEAMS ON MY NYLONS.
- I'M SORRY.
WHAT DID YOU SAY YOU DO?
I THOUGHT I HEARD INTELLIGENCE,
BUT THAT CAN'T BE RIGHT.
- A WILD, ROILING, SURGING OCEAN OF LOVE
OVER WHICH WE AS MERE INDIVIDUALS
HAVE NO CONTROL.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING?
- UM, I'M NOT SURE.
- HI, QUINN. HI, FATHER.
- ACTUALLY, I'M A MINISTER, NOT A PRIEST.
- THE IMPORTANT THING IS THAT YOU'RE THE VOICE OF MORALITY
IN THE COMMUNITY.
- I HATE MYSELF IN A FORMAL DRESS
AND EVERYONE ELSE TOO.
YOU DON'T LOOK TOO THRILLED ABOUT THINGS EITHER.
- OH, NO, I'M OVERJOYED TO BE AT THIS BIG FAMILY EVENT.
DAY-TO-DAY LIFE ISN'T HUMILIATING ENOUGH.
- LET'S SEE.
YOU'RE IN COLLEGE NOW OR SOMETHING.
- STILL HIGH SCHOOL, UNFORTUNATELY.
- I HAVE SOME VAGUE MEMORIES OF HIGH SCHOOL,
BUT THESE DAYS, YOU ALL CARRY WEAPONS, RIGHT?
- WELL, NOT TO FORMAL OCCASIONS LIKE THIS.
- THAT'S WHERE YOU KIDS MAKE YOUR MISTAKE.
- I MEAN, LOVE THY NEIGHBOR.
LOVE THY BROTHER.
LOVE THY PARENTS.
EVERY TIME YOU TURN A PAGE,
LOVE, LOVE, LOVE.
- WOW.
- HMM, I THOUGHT WHEN I HIT 30,
I'D STOP FEELING OUT OF PLACE AT THESE FAMILY THINGS.
- YOU FEEL OUT OF PLACE?
- YOU DIDN'T NOTICE MY SISTERS ARE SO BUSY COMPETING
WITH EACH OTHER THAT I DON'T EVEN REGISTER ON THEIR RADAR?
- YEAH, BUT I JUST FIGURED YOU WERE ABOVE ALL THAT.
I MEAN, YOU'RE KIND OF...
- COOL?
- UM...
- I KNOW YOU CAN'T SAY THAT TO ME.
LAW OF THE TEENAGERS.
- THANK YOU FOR RESPECTING IT.
- WHEN I WAS A KID,
WITH HELEN AND RITA GOING AT IT ALL THE TIME,
ALL THEY LEFT FOR ME TO DO WAS SUPPLY THE COLOR COMMENTARY.
THEN ONE DAY, I FOUND MYSELF ALL GROWN UP
WITH MY OWN POINT OF VIEW
AND FEELING NO PARTICULAR OBLIGATION
TO LISTEN TO ANYONE ELSE'S BS, EVER.
- SO IT ACTUALLY WORKED OUT PRETTY WELL.
- UNLESS I HAVE TO SEE MY SISTERS AT A WEDDING, YEAH.
SARCASM: IT'S A GREAT WAY TO DEAL.
BUT YOU WOULDN'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THAT, WOULD YOU?
- NAH.
- HEY, WHAT'S THE MATTER?
- THIS WHOLE THING IS STARTING TO GET TO ME.
I MEAN, DARIA HAD A POINT.
WHY SHOULD HIGH SCHOOL KIDS BE THINKING ABOUT MARRIAGE?
IF I SEE ONE MORE SWEET, DOPEY GIRL
STUCK WITH A LAME-BRAINED IDIOT--
both: HI.
- NOT EVEN THE PEP SQUAD?
- NOT EVEN THE PEP SQUAD.
I'LL BE HONEST WITH YOU, DAPHNE.
I JUST CAN'T FIND THE TIME.
- HOW COME?
- WELL, FIRST OF ALL, THERE'S MY WORK.
- WHAT DO YOU DO?
- I'M AN EXOTIC DANCER.
YOU KNOW, AT A CLUB.
I TAKE MY CLOTHES OFF AND DANCE FOR STRANGE MEN.
- REALLY?
WOW.
- SHE'S REALLY VERY GOOD.
- YOU'VE SEEN HER?
- I'D BETTER GO CHECK ON QUINN.
I--I CAN'T IMAGINE WHAT'S KEEPING HER.
- OH, IT WAS A LOVELY CEREMONY, THOUGH.
WASN'T IT?
- IT REALLY WAS, RITA.
- I'M JUST SO SORRY MOM COULDN'T BE HERE.
- DON'T WORRY.
SHE'LL GET TO LIVE IT ALL VICARIOUSLY
WHEN THE BILLS ARRIVE.
JAKE, HOW ABOUT GETTING ME ANOTHER GLASS OF WINE?
- GEE, HONEY, MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T--
- JAKE, I'D REALLY LIKE ANOTHER GLASS OF WINE NOW.
- RIGHT.
- HELEN, YOU'RE NOT BITTER ABOUT THIS?
- RITA, PLEASE.
WHY WOULD I BE BITTER?
YOU AND ERIN DESERVE THE BEST.
YOU ALWAYS HAVE.
- OH, NO, I SHOULD BE PUNISHED FOREVER
BECAUSE I MADE A FEW BAD DECISIONS?
- HI.
WHAT ARE YOU TWO ARGUING ABOUT NOW?
- ARGUING?
WE'RE NOT ARGUING.
- STILL MAD BECAUSE DAD GAVE RITA THAT MG
AND ALL YOU GOT WAS A PLYMOUTH VALIANT?
- MY GOODNESS, AMY, THE THINGS YOU REMEMBER.
- IT WAS A DODGE DART.
- I GUESS WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY, QUINN, IS,
I MAY BE A MAN OF THE CLOTH,
BUT I'M ALSO A MAN.
- QUINN, THERE YOU ARE.
FATHER?
- ACTUALLY, I'M A MINISTER, NOT A PRIEST.
- WE'VE ALL BEEN WONDERING WHERE YOU WERE.
- REALLY?
- WELL, I KNOW I HAVE.
- I'VE JUST BEEN EXPLAINING TO QUINN
HOW EMOTIONS CAN BE VERY CONFUSING
FOR YOUNG PEOPLE LIKE YOURSELVES.
- WITH ALL DUE RESPECT, FATHER,
I WONDER IF MAYBE YOU'RE NOT THE ONE
WITH THE CONFUSING EMOTIONS.
- I'M NOT SURE I TAKE YOUR MEANING.
- OH, I THINK YOU DO.
- OH, NO.
- SO IT TURNS OUT YOU CAN GO THROUGH TRAINING
AND BE UP THERE WORKING ON THE SPACE STATION
IN UNDER THREE MONTHS.
NOW I'M JUST WAITING FOR MY TANG.
- WOW, IS THAT TRUE?
- [sighs] NO, IT'S NOT TRUE.
I JUST MADE IT UP.
ALSO I'M NOT AN EXOTIC DANCER, I DON'T KNOW SEAL,
AND I WASN'T ABDUCTED BY THE UNDERSEA FISH PEOPLE.
- I JUST DON'T THINK WE NEED TO TALK TO HER.
- [whispering] MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST TELL HER WE CAN'T TALK.
- WE DECIDED WE BETTER NOT TALK TO YOU ANYMORE.
- WHAT?
- IT'S NOT THAT WE DON'T LIKE YOU.
IT'S JUST, UH...
- YOU HAVE PROBLEMS.
- WELL, DUH.
- HONEY, MAYBE WE OUGHT TO THINK ABOUT GETTING BACK.
- NO, MY LITTLE PARTY IS JUST BEGINNING.
WAITER.
- HERE, I'LL GET YOU SOME COFFEE
AND WEDDING CAKE.
- OH, RITA WOULD LOVE THAT,
SEEING ME BALLOON UP RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER.
- HELEN, UH, YOU'RE BEING KIND OF LOUD.
- OH, NO!
WE DON'T WANT A SCENE, DO WE?
WE WANT TO SPOIL THE LOVELY WEDDING
THAT LOVELY MOTHER SPENT SO MUCH LOVELY MONEY ON, DO WE?
- IS EVERYTHING OKAY HERE?
- WELL, YOU WERE RIGHT ABOUT ONE THING.
SHE SURE KNOWS HOW TO PICK 'EM.
- HEY, LOOK-- - KEEP IT DOWN.
- WANT TO MAKE ME?
- WHAT'S GOING ON, HELEN?
- OH, YOU KNOW PERFECTLY WELL WHAT'S GOING ON, MOTHER.
YOUR PATHETIC BOYFRIEND IS MAKING A SCENE.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN, PATHETIC?
- LOOK IN THE MIRROR, PAL.
- I JUST WANT TO SAY ONE THING, RITA.
YOU MAY BE THE PRETTY ONE,
YOU MAY BE THE ONE MOM LOVES,
BUT I'VE WORKED MY DAMN BUTT OFF.
- AUNT HELEN, PLEASE.
- WHAT'S GOING ON?
HEH, NO CATFIGHTS, LADIES, HEH.
- SHUT THE HELL UP, YOU PREHISTORIC IMBECILE.
- THINGS ARE GETTING UGLY.
- I SUGGEST WE MAKE A HASTY BUT UNOBTRUSIVE EXIT.
- REALLY?
- LET'S GO FIND A PLACE THAT SERVES CHEESE FRIES.
YOU EAT, I'LL WATCH.
- I'M, UH, TAKING OFF.
- OH, SURE, LEAVE ME TO THE DOGS.
- YOU CAN COME IF YOU WANT.
- NO, I'D PREFER TO SIT HERE AND WATCH THE CARNAGE UNFOLD.
IT'S BEEN FUN, THOUGH.
- YEAH.
- OH, ALL RIGHT, I'LL EAT TOO.
FOLLOW ME.
DON'T LOOK TO THE RIGHT OR LEFT.
THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO FOR THESE PEOPLE NOW.
- DID YOU EVER CALL ME UP TO DO ONE THING?
[grunting and punching]
- OH, YEAH?
- THIS PLACE OUGHT TO DO.
- AUNT AMY?
- JUST AMY.
- AMY, IS LIFE ALWAYS TAWDRY, STUPID, AND HUMILIATING,
OR IS IT JUST A PHASE?
- JUST A PHASE.
I'M EXPECTING TO GROW OUT OF IT ANY TIME NOW.
[bowling pins clattering]
COAST IS CLEAR.
- ONE THREE-TON HUBBY'S NOT ENOUGH
FOR THIS RED-HOT MAMMAL.
THE POLYGAMIST HIPPOPOTAMUS WHEN SICK, SAD WORLD RETURNS.
- I'M NOT GOING BACK THERE.
I DON'T CARE WHO SENT YOU.
- DOES HE LOOK FAMILIAR TO YOU?
- I THINK I SAW HIM ON AMERICA'S LEAST WANTED.
- I SUPPOSED YOU WANT TO ASK ME
WHAT YOUR MOTHER WAS LIKE AS A CHILD.
- OKAY. WHAT WAS SHE?
- A TIGHTLY-WOUND PAIN IN THE ASS.
- NEW TOPIC?
- NAME IT.
[sirens blaring]
- I DON'T--I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.
ONE MINUTE I HAD HIM, AND THEN--
- SHUSH, SHUSH, SHUSH.
- EVERYTHING'S UNDER CONTROL HERE, OFFICERS.
WHY DON'T YOU TWO GO HAVE A CUP OF COFFEE OR SOMETHING
ON ME?
- DON'T WORRY. I'M NO STRANGER TO PAIN.
[both sobbing]
- I LOVE YOU, HELEN.
- I LOVE YOU TOO.
- SIR, WOULDN'T THIS BE MORE ENJOYABLE IN THE DAYTIME,
PERHAPS WITH SOME PARTNERS?
- DON'T TALK, SON.
YOU'RE SHAKING THE LIGHT.
- ♪ LA-LA LA LA-LA ♪
[driving rock music]
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