1 00:00:02,536 --> 00:00:03,668 - ♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪ 2 00:00:03,670 --> 00:00:06,271 ♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪ 3 00:00:09,710 --> 00:00:10,976 - HEY, KIDDO! 4 00:00:10,978 --> 00:00:12,677 GUESS YOU'RE WONDERING WHAT OLD DAD IS UP TO 5 00:00:12,679 --> 00:00:13,678 WITH THE BIG STEW POT. 6 00:00:13,680 --> 00:00:14,880 - GUESS AGAIN. 7 00:00:14,882 --> 00:00:17,016 - DARIA, I WOKE UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT 8 00:00:17,018 --> 00:00:18,383 WITH A HANKERING. 9 00:00:18,385 --> 00:00:21,153 I SUDDENLY REMEMBERED THE OLD KITCHEN SINK STEW 10 00:00:21,155 --> 00:00:23,255 THEY USED TO SERVE US AT THE MILITARY ACADEMY. 11 00:00:23,257 --> 00:00:24,990 YOU KNOW WHY THEY CALLED IT THAT? 12 00:00:24,992 --> 00:00:27,693 - BECAUSE THEY PUT IN EVERYTHING BUT THE KITCHEN SINK. 13 00:00:27,695 --> 00:00:30,162 - BECAUSE THEY PUT IN EVERYTHING BUT THE KITCHEN SINK. 14 00:00:30,164 --> 00:00:31,797 HMM, LET'S SEE... 15 00:00:31,799 --> 00:00:36,168 SOUP STOCK, PEPPERCORNS, OREGANO, CHILIES... 16 00:00:38,205 --> 00:00:39,904 [screams] 17 00:00:39,906 --> 00:00:41,706 OH, GOD! 18 00:00:41,708 --> 00:00:42,808 - WHY IS YOUR FATHER-- 19 00:00:42,810 --> 00:00:43,809 - DON'T ASK. 20 00:00:43,811 --> 00:00:45,076 - READING SOMETHING? 21 00:00:45,078 --> 00:00:46,678 - YES. 22 00:00:46,680 --> 00:00:48,546 - MAY I ASK WHAT IT IS? 23 00:00:48,548 --> 00:00:50,883 - IT'S A BOOK. FOR SCHOOL. 24 00:00:50,885 --> 00:00:53,719 ABOUT HOW FICTION SHOULD DO MORE THAN JUST ENTERTAIN. 25 00:00:53,721 --> 00:00:55,520 - THAT SOUNDS INTERESTING. 26 00:00:55,522 --> 00:00:56,588 - YEAH. 27 00:00:56,590 --> 00:00:57,723 A WRITER WRITING A BOOK 28 00:00:57,725 --> 00:00:59,791 ABOUT HOW WRITERS SHOULD WRITE BOOKS. 29 00:00:59,793 --> 00:01:01,326 MUST HAVE BEEN A HUGE SELLER. 30 00:01:01,328 --> 00:01:03,895 - [screams] 31 00:01:03,897 --> 00:01:05,096 - WELL... 32 00:01:05,098 --> 00:01:07,165 ANYTHING ELSE GOING ON IN SCHOOL? 33 00:01:07,167 --> 00:01:08,233 - LET'S SEE. 34 00:01:08,235 --> 00:01:10,002 NOBODY TALKED TO ME AGAIN THIS WEEK, 35 00:01:10,004 --> 00:01:12,504 I WASN'T INVITED TO ANY PARTIES FOR THE WEEKEND, 36 00:01:12,506 --> 00:01:14,106 AND I THINK I'M GETTING ONE OF THOSE 37 00:01:14,108 --> 00:01:15,707 REALLY PAINFUL COLD SORES. 38 00:01:15,709 --> 00:01:17,643 SO ALL IN ALL, ANOTHER GREAT WEEK. 39 00:01:17,645 --> 00:01:18,644 - OH, DARIA. 40 00:01:18,646 --> 00:01:20,245 - HELEN! HELEN! 41 00:01:20,247 --> 00:01:22,180 WHAT'S THE NUMBER FOR 911? 42 00:01:22,182 --> 00:01:24,315 - DARIA, DO YOU HAVE TO LOOK AT EVERYTHING 43 00:01:24,317 --> 00:01:25,918 IN SUCH A NEGATIVE LIGHT? 44 00:01:25,920 --> 00:01:27,319 - COULD YOU POSSIBLY BE REFERRING 45 00:01:27,321 --> 00:01:28,887 TO THE HARSH LIGHT OF REALITY? 46 00:01:28,889 --> 00:01:30,822 - TIFFANY SAYS A COLD FRONT IS COMING THROUGH. 47 00:01:30,824 --> 00:01:33,524 HAS ANYONE SEEN MY REALLY CUTE FUZZY PINK SWEATER? 48 00:01:33,526 --> 00:01:35,694 AND IF I CAN'T FIND IT, CAN I BUY ANOTHER ONE? 49 00:01:35,696 --> 00:01:36,861 THANKS. 50 00:01:36,863 --> 00:01:37,996 - DARIA... - DON'T BOTHER. 51 00:01:37,998 --> 00:01:39,197 - MY TONGUE! 52 00:01:39,199 --> 00:01:41,333 DEAR GOD, IT'S BLACK! 53 00:01:41,335 --> 00:01:42,500 HELEN! 54 00:01:42,502 --> 00:01:45,136 - BE RIGHT THERE, JAKE. 55 00:01:46,707 --> 00:01:48,940 - SO WHAT GARDNER IS TELLING US 56 00:01:48,942 --> 00:01:50,808 IS THAT THE WRITER OF FICTION HAS A DUTY 57 00:01:50,810 --> 00:01:54,112 THAT GOES BEYOND THE MERE TELLING OF A STORY. 58 00:01:54,114 --> 00:01:57,115 HIS OR HER JOB IS TO TELL A STORY IN SUCH A WAY 59 00:01:57,117 --> 00:01:58,851 AS TO LEAVE THE READER... 60 00:01:58,853 --> 00:01:59,885 WHAT, KEVIN? 61 00:01:59,887 --> 00:02:00,886 - SCREAMING FOR MORE 62 00:02:00,888 --> 00:02:03,021 FULL-CONTACT MARTIAL ARTS EXCITEMENT? 63 00:02:03,023 --> 00:02:04,022 - DARIA? 64 00:02:04,024 --> 00:02:05,657 - I BELIEVE MR. GARDNER FEELS 65 00:02:05,659 --> 00:02:07,659 IT'S THE WRITER'S DUTY TO STEER THE READER 66 00:02:07,661 --> 00:02:09,561 TOWARD MORE CONSCIENTIOUS BEHAVIOR, 67 00:02:09,563 --> 00:02:12,030 NO MATTER HOW DULL THAT MAKES THE STORY. 68 00:02:12,032 --> 00:02:14,066 - [sighs] VERY GOOD, DARIA. 69 00:02:14,068 --> 00:02:15,600 NOW, KEEPING THAT IN MIND, 70 00:02:15,602 --> 00:02:18,036 I WANT YOU EACH TO SELECT A BOOK FROM THE LIST IN FRONT OF YOU 71 00:02:18,038 --> 00:02:20,638 FOR A REPORT ON ITS MORAL INTENTION. 72 00:02:20,640 --> 00:02:22,140 YES, KEVIN? 73 00:02:22,142 --> 00:02:24,442 - PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN GLASS HOUSES SHOULDN'T THROW STONES. 74 00:02:24,444 --> 00:02:25,810 I GOT ONE, BABE. 75 00:02:25,812 --> 00:02:27,012 I GOT ONE! 76 00:02:27,014 --> 00:02:29,414 - [sobs] 77 00:02:30,951 --> 00:02:32,183 - EXCUSE ME. 78 00:02:32,185 --> 00:02:33,185 - YES, DARIA? 79 00:02:33,187 --> 00:02:34,686 - THIS LIST OF BOOKS, 80 00:02:34,688 --> 00:02:35,787 I'VE READ ALL OF THEM. 81 00:02:35,789 --> 00:02:37,422 - OH, NO. 82 00:02:37,424 --> 00:02:39,825 UM, WOULD YOU LIKE TO PICK ANOTHER BOOK TO READ, THEN? 83 00:02:39,827 --> 00:02:40,826 - I GUESS. 84 00:02:40,828 --> 00:02:41,894 - WAIT! BRAINSTORM. 85 00:02:41,896 --> 00:02:43,828 INSTEAD OF TRYING TO READ A STORY 86 00:02:43,830 --> 00:02:45,264 FOR ITS MORAL DIMENSIONS, 87 00:02:45,266 --> 00:02:48,800 WHAT IF YOU WROTE A STORY WITH MORAL DIMENSIONS? 88 00:02:48,802 --> 00:02:50,001 - UM... 89 00:02:50,003 --> 00:02:52,137 - A SPECIAL ASSIGNMENT, DARIA, JUST FOR YOU. 90 00:02:52,139 --> 00:02:53,271 - I DON'T KNOW. 91 00:02:53,273 --> 00:02:55,240 WHO WOULD I WRITE ABOUT? WHAT WOULD THEY DO? 92 00:02:55,242 --> 00:02:56,708 - WELL, WHY DON'T YOU WRITE A STORY 93 00:02:56,710 --> 00:02:58,844 TAKING PEOPLE YOU KNOW IN REAL LIFE 94 00:02:58,846 --> 00:03:01,079 AND TURNING THEM INTO FICTIONAL CHARACTERS? 95 00:03:01,081 --> 00:03:04,649 - I WONDER IF ANYONE WOULD NOTICE A DIFFERENCE. 96 00:03:04,651 --> 00:03:06,318 - SO HOW'S THE STORY COMING? 97 00:03:06,320 --> 00:03:08,620 OR DOES IT DISTURB YOU IF I TALK WHILE YOU'RE WRITING? 98 00:03:08,622 --> 00:03:11,723 - IT WOULD DISTURB ME IF I WERE ACTUALLY DOING ANY WRITING. 99 00:03:11,725 --> 00:03:13,124 - WHAT'S THE PROBLEM? 100 00:03:13,126 --> 00:03:15,427 TAKE PEOPLE YOU KNOW AND HAVE THEM DO WHATEVER YOU WANT. 101 00:03:15,429 --> 00:03:16,861 I'D MAKE THEM CRAWL, I TELL YOU. 102 00:03:16,863 --> 00:03:17,963 CRAWL! 103 00:03:17,965 --> 00:03:18,964 - EASY, TIGER. 104 00:03:18,966 --> 00:03:20,298 - WHO ARE YOU GONNA WRITE ABOUT? 105 00:03:20,300 --> 00:03:21,366 - I HAVEN'T A CLUE. 106 00:03:21,368 --> 00:03:22,367 - HMM... 107 00:03:22,369 --> 00:03:24,369 HOW ABOUT KEVIN AND BRITTANY? 108 00:03:24,371 --> 00:03:26,037 YOU COULD WRITE A THRILLING ROMANCE 109 00:03:26,039 --> 00:03:28,073 LEADING UP TO THEIR STORYBOOK WEDDING. 110 00:03:28,075 --> 00:03:29,407 - YOU NEED TO START WEARING A HAT 111 00:03:29,409 --> 00:03:30,576 WHEN YOU GO OUT IN THE SUN. 112 00:03:30,578 --> 00:03:32,377 - BOY, WOULD I LIKE TO BE THERE 113 00:03:32,379 --> 00:03:34,146 WHEN THOSE TWO TIE THE NOOSE. 114 00:03:34,148 --> 00:03:36,848 [Wedding March playing] 115 00:03:36,850 --> 00:03:40,218 - AND DO YOU, KEVIN, TAKE THIS PULCHRITUDINOUS WOMAN 116 00:03:40,220 --> 00:03:42,154 TO BE YOUR LAWFULLY WEDDED WIFE? 117 00:03:42,156 --> 00:03:43,789 - KEVIN! 118 00:03:43,791 --> 00:03:45,223 - I, UH... WHAT DID YOU SAY? 119 00:03:45,225 --> 00:03:47,659 - I SAID DO YOU, KEVIN, 120 00:03:47,661 --> 00:03:51,563 ASSUME LEGAL RESPONSIBILITY FOR THIS OVERRIPE SPECIMEN 121 00:03:51,565 --> 00:03:54,499 OF FEMALE-HOOD STANDING NEXT TO YOU? 122 00:03:54,501 --> 00:03:56,068 THE ONE IN WHITE, SON! 123 00:03:56,070 --> 00:03:58,236 - KEVIN! 124 00:03:58,238 --> 00:03:59,938 KEVIN! 125 00:03:59,940 --> 00:04:01,072 - WELL? 126 00:04:01,074 --> 00:04:02,707 - ANSWER HIM, KEVIE. 127 00:04:02,709 --> 00:04:03,708 - UM... 128 00:04:03,710 --> 00:04:05,977 - KEVIN! 129 00:04:05,979 --> 00:04:08,847 - JANE! 130 00:04:08,849 --> 00:04:11,850 [upbeat acoustic music] 131 00:04:11,852 --> 00:04:17,922 ♪ ♪ 132 00:04:17,924 --> 00:04:19,190 - AH... 133 00:04:19,192 --> 00:04:20,292 BRITTANY. 134 00:04:20,294 --> 00:04:22,260 PLEASE ACCEPT MY CONDOLENCES 135 00:04:22,262 --> 00:04:25,697 ON THE UNFORTUNATE WAY THE BIGGEST DAY OF YOUR LIFE 136 00:04:25,699 --> 00:04:27,632 HAS TURNED OUT. 137 00:04:27,634 --> 00:04:29,968 - YES! 138 00:04:29,970 --> 00:04:34,573 ♪ ♪ 139 00:04:34,575 --> 00:04:35,907 - DARIA? 140 00:04:35,909 --> 00:04:36,908 DARIA? 141 00:04:36,910 --> 00:04:38,076 WHAT ABOUT THEIR WEDDING? 142 00:04:38,078 --> 00:04:39,711 WOULDN'T THAT BE FUNNY TO WRITE ABOUT? 143 00:04:39,713 --> 00:04:40,778 - WHAT? 144 00:04:40,780 --> 00:04:42,214 UH, NO. 145 00:04:42,216 --> 00:04:43,215 I DON'T KNOW. 146 00:04:43,217 --> 00:04:44,650 - OKAY. 147 00:04:44,652 --> 00:04:47,318 - I MEAN, IF I WERE GONNA WRITE ABOUT MATING RITUALS, 148 00:04:47,320 --> 00:04:49,387 I THINK I'D GO BACK A COUPLE HUNDRED YEARS 149 00:04:49,389 --> 00:04:51,990 WHEN WOMEN EITHER MARRIED OR SHRIVELED UP AND BLEW AWAY. 150 00:04:51,992 --> 00:04:54,125 - INSTEAD OF MARRYING AND THEN SHRIVELING UP, 151 00:04:54,127 --> 00:04:57,295 LIKE THEY DO NOW? 152 00:04:57,297 --> 00:05:00,198 - MR. LANE LEFT HIS CARD YESTERDAY. 153 00:05:00,200 --> 00:05:03,602 MOTHER SAID HE APPEARED MOST ANXIOUS TO CALL UPON YOU. 154 00:05:03,604 --> 00:05:05,336 - I CANNOT IMAGINE WHAT FOR. 155 00:05:05,338 --> 00:05:07,271 MR. LANE'S TEMPERAMENT, OUTLOOK, 156 00:05:07,273 --> 00:05:09,875 INDEED HIS VERY MANNERS ARE SUCH AS TO AROUSE BEMUSEMENT 157 00:05:09,877 --> 00:05:12,844 RATHER THAN ENDEARMENT IN THE OBJECT OF HIS ATTENTIONS. 158 00:05:12,846 --> 00:05:13,845 - HUH? 159 00:05:13,847 --> 00:05:14,846 - HE'S FLAKY. 160 00:05:14,848 --> 00:05:16,648 - FLAKY THOUGH HE MAY BE, 161 00:05:16,650 --> 00:05:20,218 ONE DAY, ALL OF DEVONHEAVENSHIRE WILL BE HIS, 162 00:05:20,220 --> 00:05:22,887 HIS TO SHARE WITH WHOSOEVER IS LUCKY ENOUGH 163 00:05:22,889 --> 00:05:24,756 TO BECOME LADY LANE. 164 00:05:24,758 --> 00:05:26,358 - DEAR SISTER, I WOULD HOPE 165 00:05:26,360 --> 00:05:28,126 THAT WHOEVER DOES BECOME LADY LANE 166 00:05:28,128 --> 00:05:30,161 DOES SO OUT OF REGARD FOR MR. LANE 167 00:05:30,163 --> 00:05:31,530 AND NOT FOR HIS ESTATE. 168 00:05:31,532 --> 00:05:33,064 - WHAT ABOUT HIS CAR? 169 00:05:33,066 --> 00:05:34,065 - HMM. 170 00:05:34,067 --> 00:05:35,066 - BUT LOOK! 171 00:05:35,068 --> 00:05:37,102 HERE APPROACHES MR. LANE HIMSELF, 172 00:05:37,104 --> 00:05:40,371 ALONG WITH HIS SISTER'S ADMIRER, MR. MORENO. 173 00:05:40,373 --> 00:05:43,141 - GOOD MORNING, MISS MORGENDORFFER, MISS QUINN. 174 00:05:43,143 --> 00:05:45,443 I PRAY THE DAY FINDS YOU WELL. 175 00:05:45,445 --> 00:05:46,544 - YEAH. 176 00:05:46,546 --> 00:05:48,080 - AND A GOOD MORNING TO YOU, SIRS. 177 00:05:48,082 --> 00:05:50,582 - INDEED, IT PROMISES TO BE A GLORIOUS MORNING 178 00:05:50,584 --> 00:05:52,750 AND ONE TO GLADDEN THE STONIEST OF HEARTS. 179 00:05:52,752 --> 00:05:53,752 - YEAH. 180 00:05:53,754 --> 00:05:55,186 - LET US HOPE SO, INDEED, 181 00:05:55,188 --> 00:05:57,288 FOR NOTHING SO RECOMMENDS THIS WORLD 182 00:05:57,290 --> 00:06:00,258 AS THE PROMISE WITH WHICH IT OFFERS UP EACH GENTLE DAY. 183 00:06:00,260 --> 00:06:03,527 - AND, PRAY, UPON THIS DEWY MORNING, 184 00:06:03,529 --> 00:06:06,865 WHAT ERRAND IS IT THAT FINDS YOU GUYS ABROAD? 185 00:06:06,867 --> 00:06:08,400 - ERRAND WE HAVE NONE. 186 00:06:08,402 --> 00:06:10,935 BUT WITH ANY LUCK, WE SHALL HAVE SPORT. 187 00:06:10,937 --> 00:06:13,271 WE AWAIT THE OTHER MEMBERS OF OUR HUNTING PARTY, 188 00:06:13,273 --> 00:06:16,241 AND I BELIEVE I GLIMPSE THEM NOW. 189 00:06:16,243 --> 00:06:17,642 - GOOD CHEER, MISS MORGENDORFFER. 190 00:06:17,644 --> 00:06:18,643 - GOOD DAY, QUINN. 191 00:06:18,645 --> 00:06:19,878 - MY, WHAT MILD WEATHER. 192 00:06:19,880 --> 00:06:21,179 both: GOOD DAY. 193 00:06:21,181 --> 00:06:23,648 - MISS QUINN, MAY I GET YOU A BRACING SPOT OF TEA? 194 00:06:23,650 --> 00:06:25,350 - DO YOU NEED A POWDER TO CURE THE VAPORS? 195 00:06:25,352 --> 00:06:26,618 - I'LL TUNE YOUR PIANOFORTE. 196 00:06:26,620 --> 00:06:29,121 - OH, QUINN, YOUR SUITORS ARE SO NUMEROUS 197 00:06:29,123 --> 00:06:31,356 BECAUSE YOU ARE SO FAIR AND GOOD. 198 00:06:31,358 --> 00:06:34,392 - OH, SISTER, YOUR WIT AND JUDGMENT 199 00:06:34,394 --> 00:06:38,163 ASSURE THAT YOU WILL MARRY NOT ONLY WELL BUT WISELY. 200 00:06:38,165 --> 00:06:40,298 - DID SHE SAY "MARRY"? 201 00:06:40,300 --> 00:06:41,332 - YEAH. 202 00:06:45,171 --> 00:06:46,170 - OH, WELL. 203 00:06:50,978 --> 00:06:53,445 - I REALLY SUCK AT THIS. 204 00:07:00,287 --> 00:07:02,888 - NO. NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT. 205 00:07:02,890 --> 00:07:05,089 THAT IS UNACCEPTABLE. 206 00:07:05,091 --> 00:07:08,927 OH, MY GOD, WHAT HAS YOUR FATHER DONE NOW? 207 00:07:08,929 --> 00:07:11,495 JAKE! 208 00:07:11,497 --> 00:07:12,697 DARIA? 209 00:07:12,699 --> 00:07:13,698 - HUH? 210 00:07:13,700 --> 00:07:14,866 - IS SOMETHING WRONG? 211 00:07:14,868 --> 00:07:15,867 - WRONG? 212 00:07:15,869 --> 00:07:17,068 UH, NO. 213 00:07:17,070 --> 00:07:19,404 I'M THINKING ABOUT AN ASSIGNMENT I GOT IN SCHOOL. 214 00:07:19,406 --> 00:07:20,872 - ANYTHING I CAN HELP WITH? 215 00:07:20,874 --> 00:07:22,774 - NO. 216 00:07:22,776 --> 00:07:24,142 [sighs] 217 00:07:24,144 --> 00:07:26,410 I'M SUPPOSED TO WRITE A STORY USING PEOPLE I KNOW 218 00:07:26,412 --> 00:07:27,913 AS FICTIONAL CHARACTERS. 219 00:07:27,915 --> 00:07:28,914 - REALLY? 220 00:07:28,916 --> 00:07:30,848 THAT SOUNDS FASCINATING. 221 00:07:30,850 --> 00:07:32,183 - NOT SO FAR. 222 00:07:32,185 --> 00:07:34,119 EVERYTHING I WRITE COMES OUT BAD. 223 00:07:34,121 --> 00:07:35,620 I HAVE NO STORY. 224 00:07:35,622 --> 00:07:36,821 - OH, I'M SURE-- 225 00:07:36,823 --> 00:07:37,822 [phone rings] 226 00:07:37,824 --> 00:07:40,058 HANG ON A SECOND, DARIA. 227 00:07:40,060 --> 00:07:41,425 HELLO? 228 00:07:41,427 --> 00:07:44,696 NO, THAT'S NOT A COUNTEROFFER. IT'S AN INSULT. 229 00:07:44,698 --> 00:07:48,165 I WILL TALK TO YOU TOMORROW DURING OFFICE HOURS. 230 00:07:48,167 --> 00:07:50,202 GOOD-BYE! 231 00:07:50,204 --> 00:07:53,438 OKAY, NOW, WHAT ARE THE OTHER STUDENTS WRITING? 232 00:07:53,440 --> 00:07:54,573 - THEY'RE NOT. 233 00:07:54,575 --> 00:07:56,808 THIS IS AN EXTRA ASSIGNMENT JUST FOR ME. 234 00:07:56,810 --> 00:07:57,809 - OH. 235 00:07:57,811 --> 00:07:59,611 - A PUNISHMENT FOR BEING SMART. 236 00:07:59,613 --> 00:08:02,480 - NOW, COME ON, DARIA, I'M SURE YOU'LL DO A GREAT JOB 237 00:08:02,482 --> 00:08:04,382 IF YOU JUST PUT YOUR MIND TO IT. 238 00:08:04,384 --> 00:08:06,451 - YOU ARE VERY, VERY WRONG. 239 00:08:06,453 --> 00:08:07,785 - SURE, YOU WILL. 240 00:08:07,787 --> 00:08:09,154 ALL YOU-- [phone rings] 241 00:08:09,156 --> 00:08:10,221 YES? 242 00:08:10,223 --> 00:08:11,222 TOMORROW! 243 00:08:11,224 --> 00:08:14,125 DURING OFFICE HOURS. 244 00:08:14,127 --> 00:08:16,293 ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS GET OFF YOUR TOKUS 245 00:08:16,295 --> 00:08:17,328 AND DO IT. 246 00:08:17,330 --> 00:08:18,896 WHEN QUINN HAS A CHALLENGE-- 247 00:08:18,898 --> 00:08:20,164 - QUINN? 248 00:08:20,166 --> 00:08:22,233 ALL HER CHALLENGES INVOLVE COORDINATING HER SHOES 249 00:08:22,235 --> 00:08:23,802 WITH THE COLOR OF HER DATE'S EYES. 250 00:08:23,804 --> 00:08:25,737 - DARIA, WHAT I MEAN IS-- 251 00:08:25,739 --> 00:08:27,372 - HOW CAN YOU TALK TO ME ABOUT QUINN? 252 00:08:27,374 --> 00:08:29,241 SHE'LL NEVER HAVE THIS KIND OF PROBLEM. 253 00:08:29,243 --> 00:08:30,942 IT INVOLVES THINKING. 254 00:08:30,944 --> 00:08:33,778 YOU MAKE ME TELL YOU WHAT'S WRONG, IN BETWEEN CALLS, 255 00:08:33,780 --> 00:08:35,413 AND THEN YOU BRING UP QUINN? 256 00:08:35,415 --> 00:08:38,483 DON'T YOU KNOW ME AT ALL? 257 00:08:38,485 --> 00:08:40,251 - GOOD ONE, MORGENDORFFER. 258 00:08:40,253 --> 00:08:41,719 [phone rings] 259 00:08:41,721 --> 00:08:43,654 DAMN! 260 00:08:44,825 --> 00:08:49,093 [psychedelic rock music] 261 00:08:49,095 --> 00:08:53,531 - MAN, WHAT A GOOD DAY TO JUST KICK BACK AND CHILL. 262 00:08:53,533 --> 00:08:55,666 - YOU GOT THAT RIGHT. 263 00:08:55,668 --> 00:08:56,868 - CAN'T STOP TO TALK. 264 00:08:56,870 --> 00:08:58,703 A BIG PARTY AT STACY'S IN FOUR HOURS. 265 00:08:58,705 --> 00:08:59,770 GOT TO DRESS. 266 00:08:59,772 --> 00:09:01,039 - QUINN, DON'T YOU THINK 267 00:09:01,041 --> 00:09:04,075 YOU'VE TAKEN THIS POPULARITY THING TOO FAR? 268 00:09:04,077 --> 00:09:05,076 - HUH? 269 00:09:05,078 --> 00:09:07,712 - THIS WELL-LIKED TEEN CRAP. 270 00:09:07,714 --> 00:09:10,081 DON'T YOU HAVE ANY DEPTH AT ALL? 271 00:09:10,083 --> 00:09:12,350 - WHY CAN'T YOU BE MORE LIKE DARIA? 272 00:09:12,352 --> 00:09:14,252 - OH, HEY, DARIA. 273 00:09:14,254 --> 00:09:16,254 - UM, DO YOU WANT TO TALK TO QUINN ALONE? 274 00:09:16,256 --> 00:09:18,323 - NO, SWEETIE. 275 00:09:18,325 --> 00:09:19,691 AS A MATTER OF FACT, 276 00:09:19,693 --> 00:09:21,293 WE WERE JUST TELLING HER HOW WE WISH 277 00:09:21,295 --> 00:09:22,661 SHE'D BE MORE LIKE YOU. 278 00:09:22,663 --> 00:09:23,828 - AGAIN. 279 00:09:23,830 --> 00:09:25,763 - WELL, NOT EVERYONE CAN HAVE THE SAME-- 280 00:09:25,765 --> 00:09:28,666 - DON'T YOU THINK I WANT TO BE MORE LIKE DARIA? 281 00:09:28,668 --> 00:09:30,735 DON'T YOU THINK I WOULD IF I COULD? 282 00:09:30,737 --> 00:09:34,172 GOD, MOM AND DAD, WHY WON'T YOU ACCEPT IT? 283 00:09:34,174 --> 00:09:36,240 I'LL NEVER BE LIKE DARIA. 284 00:09:36,242 --> 00:09:38,042 THAT'S MY CURSE 285 00:09:38,044 --> 00:09:39,978 AND MY BURDEN. 286 00:09:39,980 --> 00:09:41,880 I KNOW IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT, 287 00:09:41,882 --> 00:09:45,249 BUT LOOK WHAT YOUR PERFECTION HAS DONE TO ME. 288 00:09:45,251 --> 00:09:47,218 [cries] 289 00:09:47,220 --> 00:09:48,920 - SHOULDN'T WE COMFORT HER OR SOMETHING? 290 00:09:48,922 --> 00:09:50,488 - [laughs] OH, LET HER GO. 291 00:09:50,490 --> 00:09:52,756 - SHE'LL GET OVER IT. 292 00:09:52,758 --> 00:09:55,326 - WE SHOULD AT LEAST TELL HER ABOUT THAT EIGHT-LANE HIGHWAY 293 00:09:55,328 --> 00:09:57,262 THEY BUILT OUTSIDE THE HOUSE DURING THE NIGHT. 294 00:09:57,264 --> 00:09:59,597 - HMM, YOU MAY BE RIGHT. 295 00:09:59,599 --> 00:10:00,832 [horns honk and tires screech] 296 00:10:00,834 --> 00:10:02,800 [loud crash] 297 00:10:02,802 --> 00:10:04,568 - THAT CAN'T BE GOOD. 298 00:10:04,570 --> 00:10:05,803 [loud crash] 299 00:10:05,805 --> 00:10:07,739 - OW! 300 00:10:07,741 --> 00:10:09,707 GOD! 301 00:10:11,111 --> 00:10:12,844 - ANOTHER MASTERPIECE. 302 00:10:15,248 --> 00:10:18,183 SO IT TURNS OUT THAT MY LIFE UP TO NOW HAS BEEN A SHAM. 303 00:10:18,185 --> 00:10:19,350 I CAN'T WRITE. 304 00:10:19,352 --> 00:10:21,052 I CAN'T PRODUCE A SIMPLE STORY. 305 00:10:21,054 --> 00:10:22,320 - WOW, DARIA. 306 00:10:22,322 --> 00:10:24,589 I NEVER FIGURED YOU FOR A LACK OF IMAGINATION. 307 00:10:24,591 --> 00:10:26,057 - I HAVE IMAGINATION. 308 00:10:26,059 --> 00:10:28,025 I CAN COME UP WITH ALL SORTS OF IDEAS, 309 00:10:28,027 --> 00:10:29,928 BUT NONE OF THEM FEELS TRUE. 310 00:10:29,930 --> 00:10:32,030 - WELL, WHAT'S YOUR DEFINITION OF "TRUE"? 311 00:10:32,032 --> 00:10:33,798 - SOMETHING THAT SAYS SOMETHING. 312 00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:35,200 - WHAT? ANYTHING? 313 00:10:35,202 --> 00:10:36,401 - NO, SOMETHING. 314 00:10:36,403 --> 00:10:37,702 ABOUT SOMETHING. 315 00:10:37,704 --> 00:10:39,003 - LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT. 316 00:10:39,005 --> 00:10:40,971 YOU'RE TELLING ME YOU WANT TO WRITE SOMETHING, 317 00:10:40,973 --> 00:10:41,972 NOT JUST ANYTHING, 318 00:10:41,974 --> 00:10:44,609 THAT SAYS SOMETHING ABOUT SOMETHING. 319 00:10:44,611 --> 00:10:45,610 - RIGHT. 320 00:10:45,612 --> 00:10:46,744 - GEE, WHO'D EVER BELIEVE 321 00:10:46,746 --> 00:10:49,547 YOU'RE HAVING TROUBLE COMMUNICATING? 322 00:10:51,084 --> 00:10:52,417 [knock on door] 323 00:10:52,419 --> 00:10:54,119 - WHOM SHALL I SAY IS CALLING? 324 00:10:54,121 --> 00:10:57,122 - DARIA, IS THERE ANYTHING YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT? 325 00:10:57,124 --> 00:10:58,490 - NO, THANK YOU. 326 00:10:58,492 --> 00:11:00,225 - ARE YOU SURE, SWEETIE? 327 00:11:00,227 --> 00:11:02,060 - I NEED SOME TIME ALONE 328 00:11:02,062 --> 00:11:03,727 TO WORK OUT MY FEELINGS. 329 00:11:03,729 --> 00:11:04,729 - DARIA! 330 00:11:04,731 --> 00:11:06,297 - OR DO A CROSSWORD. 331 00:11:06,299 --> 00:11:07,331 - DARIA... 332 00:11:07,333 --> 00:11:08,566 - GAH, HELEN! MY STEW! 333 00:11:08,568 --> 00:11:10,000 THE STOVE'S ON FIRE! 334 00:11:10,002 --> 00:11:12,437 - OH, FOR THE LOVE OF... 335 00:11:12,439 --> 00:11:15,440 [groovy bass music] 336 00:11:15,442 --> 00:11:18,910 ♪ ♪ 337 00:11:18,912 --> 00:11:21,079 [thunder booming] 338 00:11:21,081 --> 00:11:23,114 - UNHOLY MOTHER, SISTER OF SATAN, 339 00:11:23,116 --> 00:11:25,383 TELL ME WHAT YOU SEE IN YOUR FILTHY BREW. 340 00:11:25,385 --> 00:11:28,386 SAY WHAT THE MISTS OF TIME HOLD FOR ME. 341 00:11:28,388 --> 00:11:30,187 - HAVE YOU MY PAYMENT? 342 00:11:30,189 --> 00:11:32,723 THE TENDER LIVER OF A NEWBORN BABE. 343 00:11:32,725 --> 00:11:34,225 - I, UM, WAS IN A RUSH. 344 00:11:34,227 --> 00:11:35,226 WILL YOU TAKE A CHECK? 345 00:11:35,228 --> 00:11:36,527 - A CHECK? 346 00:11:36,529 --> 00:11:38,229 HAVE YOU TWO FORMS OF I.D.? 347 00:11:38,231 --> 00:11:41,266 - TELL ME YOU CAN BRING ME POWER! 348 00:11:41,268 --> 00:11:44,969 POWER TO CRUSH MY ENEMIES, TO TRIUMPH OVER ALL! 349 00:11:44,971 --> 00:11:48,172 - YES, I CAN BRING YOU THIS POWER. 350 00:11:48,174 --> 00:11:52,277 BUT WHY SHOULD MEN GET ALL THE GOOD JOBS? 351 00:11:52,279 --> 00:11:54,712 [thunder booming] 352 00:11:54,714 --> 00:11:57,148 - TELL ME YOU CAN BRING ME POWER, 353 00:11:57,150 --> 00:12:01,386 POWER TO CRUSH MY ENEMIES, TO TRIUMPH OVER ALL! 354 00:12:01,388 --> 00:12:03,788 -I CAN'T WAIT TO TASTE THIS STEW. 355 00:12:03,790 --> 00:12:07,692 - FOR I SWEAR BY THE UNHOLY IMP THAT SPAWNED YOU, 356 00:12:07,694 --> 00:12:10,562 I WILL RULE THE LAND. 357 00:12:10,564 --> 00:12:12,731 - BUT WHAT DO I GET TO RULE? 358 00:12:12,733 --> 00:12:14,298 [thunder booming] 359 00:12:14,300 --> 00:12:17,068 - SILENCE, TOOTHLESS HAG. 360 00:12:17,070 --> 00:12:20,104 - YOU DON'T HAVE TO GET PERSONAL. 361 00:12:20,106 --> 00:12:21,105 - UM... 362 00:12:21,107 --> 00:12:22,206 - DARIA! 363 00:12:22,208 --> 00:12:24,008 HOW'S THE SPECIAL ASSIGNMENT GOING? 364 00:12:24,010 --> 00:12:26,577 - UM, THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT. 365 00:12:26,579 --> 00:12:27,946 I'D LIKE NOT TO DO IT. 366 00:12:27,948 --> 00:12:29,013 - OH, NO. 367 00:12:29,015 --> 00:12:30,448 WHAT'S THE MATTER, DARIA? 368 00:12:30,450 --> 00:12:32,049 YOU HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO WRITE ANYTHING? 369 00:12:32,051 --> 00:12:33,718 - NO, I'VE WRITTEN A LOT OF STUFF, 370 00:12:33,720 --> 00:12:35,653 BUT IT'S NOT UP TO MY STANDARDS. 371 00:12:35,655 --> 00:12:38,356 AND THAT DISTURBS ME, BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE STANDARDS. 372 00:12:38,358 --> 00:12:39,790 - WHAT'S WRONG? 373 00:12:39,792 --> 00:12:42,393 - IT'S THIS IDEA OF USING PEOPLE I KNOW AS CHARACTERS. 374 00:12:42,395 --> 00:12:44,462 I THINK I MIGHT BE BETTER OFF WITH A BUNCH OF CHARACTERS 375 00:12:44,464 --> 00:12:45,964 I JUST MADE UP. 376 00:12:45,966 --> 00:12:48,532 - BUT THAT'S THE CHALLENGE OF THE FICTION WRITER, DARIA: 377 00:12:48,534 --> 00:12:50,234 TO TAKE WHAT WE LEARN IN REAL LIFE 378 00:12:50,236 --> 00:12:52,603 AND TURN IT INTO SOMETHING THAT'S NOT REALLY REAL 379 00:12:52,605 --> 00:12:55,006 BUT HAS A REAL LIFE ALL ITS OWN. 380 00:12:55,008 --> 00:12:57,408 - WELL, THAT SOUNDS GREAT IN THEORY, 381 00:12:57,410 --> 00:12:58,909 I THINK, 382 00:12:58,911 --> 00:13:01,179 BUT I CAN'T FIGURE OUT WHAT MY CHARACTERS SHOULD BE DOING. 383 00:13:01,181 --> 00:13:02,981 - OKAY, THAT'S NOT A PROBLEM. 384 00:13:02,983 --> 00:13:04,615 WE'LL ALTER THE ASSIGNMENT SLIGHTLY. 385 00:13:04,617 --> 00:13:07,551 SOMETIMES BOUNDARIES CAN PARADOXICALLY PROVIDE US 386 00:13:07,553 --> 00:13:09,020 WITH FREEDOM. 387 00:13:09,022 --> 00:13:11,522 WE'LL SAY IT SHOULD INCLUDE AN ACTIVITY OF SOME KIND. 388 00:13:11,524 --> 00:13:12,790 LET'S SEE. 389 00:13:12,792 --> 00:13:14,224 A FOREST FIRE? 390 00:13:14,226 --> 00:13:17,127 NO, THAT COULD END IN TRAGEDY. 391 00:13:17,129 --> 00:13:19,263 SOME KIND OF ORTHOSCOPIC SURGERY? 392 00:13:19,265 --> 00:13:20,831 NO, THAT CAN GET MESSY. 393 00:13:20,833 --> 00:13:23,701 I KNOW: A GAME OF CARDS. 394 00:13:23,703 --> 00:13:24,969 - A GAME OF CARDS? 395 00:13:24,971 --> 00:13:27,972 - SURE, AND IT CAN BE ANY CARD GAME YOU WANT. 396 00:13:27,974 --> 00:13:29,107 - GEE, THANKS. 397 00:13:29,109 --> 00:13:30,375 THAT'LL REALLY HELP. 398 00:13:30,377 --> 00:13:32,143 - GLAD TO HEAR IT. HAVE FUN. 399 00:13:32,145 --> 00:13:35,079 [thunder booming] 400 00:13:36,382 --> 00:13:38,682 - UNHOLY MOTHER, SISTER OF SATAN, 401 00:13:38,684 --> 00:13:41,386 TELL ME WHAT YOU SEE IN YOUR FILTHY BREW. 402 00:13:41,388 --> 00:13:44,555 TELL ME WHAT THE MISTS OF TIME HOLD FOR ME. 403 00:13:44,557 --> 00:13:46,523 - HAVE YOU MY PAYMENT? 404 00:13:46,525 --> 00:13:49,227 THE TENDER LIVER OF A NEWBORN BABE? 405 00:13:49,229 --> 00:13:51,028 - I'M A LITTLE SHORT ON LIVERS. 406 00:13:51,030 --> 00:13:52,329 TELL YOU WHAT. 407 00:13:52,331 --> 00:13:54,865 PLAY YOU A QUICK GAME OF FIVE-CARD STUD FOR IT. 408 00:13:54,867 --> 00:13:56,834 - JACKS WILD. 409 00:14:14,354 --> 00:14:16,520 - DARIA? 410 00:14:16,522 --> 00:14:18,456 DARIA, THE TV'S NOT ON. 411 00:14:18,458 --> 00:14:19,991 - SHH. I'M WATCHING THIS. 412 00:14:19,993 --> 00:14:23,828 - DARIA, I'M SORRY ABOUT NOT BEING MORE SENSITIVE EARLIER. 413 00:14:23,830 --> 00:14:25,996 - DOESN'T COMPARING ONE SIBLING TO ANOTHER 414 00:14:25,998 --> 00:14:28,399 GET YOU AN AUTOMATIC "F" IN PARENTING 101? 415 00:14:28,401 --> 00:14:30,801 - THERE IS NO PARENTING 101. 416 00:14:30,803 --> 00:14:32,569 THAT'S THE PROBLEM. 417 00:14:32,571 --> 00:14:34,405 THERE'S NO COURSE THAT CAN TEACH YOU 418 00:14:34,407 --> 00:14:35,807 TO BE A PERFECT MOTHER. 419 00:14:35,809 --> 00:14:37,108 - THAT'S OBVIOUS. 420 00:14:37,110 --> 00:14:40,278 - DARIA, I APOLOGIZED FOR NOT HELPING YOU BEFORE. 421 00:14:40,280 --> 00:14:42,346 I'M OFFERING TO HELP YOU NOW. 422 00:14:42,348 --> 00:14:45,249 WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO? 423 00:14:45,251 --> 00:14:46,750 - MY STORY SUCKS. 424 00:14:46,752 --> 00:14:49,287 - WELL, HONEY, I'M SURE IF YOU JUST GIVE IT 425 00:14:49,289 --> 00:14:50,421 ANOTHER DAY OR TWO... 426 00:14:50,423 --> 00:14:52,589 - EVERYTHING I DO HAS ALREADY BEEN DONE. 427 00:14:52,591 --> 00:14:54,591 I WANTED TO WRITE SOMETHING MEANINGFUL. 428 00:14:54,593 --> 00:14:56,160 I CAN'T WRITE ANYTHING AT ALL. 429 00:14:56,162 --> 00:14:58,062 - MAYBE YOU'RE TRYING TOO HARD. 430 00:14:58,064 --> 00:15:00,397 MAYBE YOU DON'T HAVE TO WRITE SOMETHING MEANINGFUL, 431 00:15:00,399 --> 00:15:01,766 JUST SOMETHING HONEST. 432 00:15:01,768 --> 00:15:03,134 - I CAN DO HONEST. 433 00:15:03,136 --> 00:15:05,603 I LOOK AROUND ME. I DESCRIBE WHAT I SEE. 434 00:15:05,605 --> 00:15:09,207 - HOW ABOUT DESCRIBING WHAT YOU'D LIKE TO SEE, HONESTLY? 435 00:15:09,209 --> 00:15:10,508 - WHAT DO YOU MEAN? 436 00:15:10,510 --> 00:15:12,443 - DARIA, THE EASIEST THING IN THE WORLD FOR YOU 437 00:15:12,445 --> 00:15:14,145 IS BEING HONEST ABOUT WHAT YOU OBSERVE. 438 00:15:14,147 --> 00:15:15,646 - AND... 439 00:15:15,648 --> 00:15:18,382 - WHAT'S HARD FOR YOU IS BEING HONEST ABOUT YOUR WISHES, 440 00:15:18,384 --> 00:15:21,752 ABOUT THE WAY YOU THINK THINGS SHOULD BE, NOT THE WAY THEY ARE. 441 00:15:21,754 --> 00:15:24,155 YOU GLOSS OVER IT WITH A CYNICAL JOKE, 442 00:15:24,157 --> 00:15:26,291 AND NOBODY FINDS OUT WHAT YOU REALLY BELIEVE IN. 443 00:15:26,293 --> 00:15:27,292 - AHA. 444 00:15:27,294 --> 00:15:28,826 SO MY EVIL PLAN IS WORKING. 445 00:15:28,828 --> 00:15:30,728 - IF YOU REALLY WANT TO BE HONEST, 446 00:15:30,730 --> 00:15:33,364 BE TRUTHFUL ABOUT WHAT YOU'D LIKE TO HAPPEN. 447 00:15:33,366 --> 00:15:34,999 THERE'S A CHALLENGE. 448 00:15:35,001 --> 00:15:37,234 - WHEN THE HELL DID YOU LEARN SO MUCH ABOUT ME? 449 00:15:37,236 --> 00:15:39,136 - IT'S A FUNNY THING, DARIA. 450 00:15:39,138 --> 00:15:40,605 YOU GIVE BIRTH TO SOMEONE, 451 00:15:40,607 --> 00:15:43,875 YOU JUST GET AN URGE TO KEEP TABS ON THEM. 452 00:15:45,645 --> 00:15:48,479 OH, HI, SWEETIE. 453 00:15:48,481 --> 00:15:49,580 - HOW ARE YOU, MOM? 454 00:15:49,582 --> 00:15:50,915 - PRETTY GOOD. 455 00:15:50,917 --> 00:15:52,950 YOU KNOW, EVERY MORNING, IT'S A LITTLE HARDER 456 00:15:52,952 --> 00:15:54,351 TO GET OUT OF BED. 457 00:15:54,353 --> 00:15:55,352 - FOR ME TOO. 458 00:15:55,354 --> 00:15:56,353 [both chuckle] 459 00:15:56,355 --> 00:15:57,755 - YOUR FATHER, ON THE OTHER HAND, 460 00:15:57,757 --> 00:15:59,991 SEEMS TO BE GETTING YOUNGER EVERY DAY. 461 00:15:59,993 --> 00:16:01,526 EVER SINCE HE RETIRED, 462 00:16:01,528 --> 00:16:04,328 HE'S DEVELOPED SUCH A WONDERFUL PERSPECTIVE. 463 00:16:04,330 --> 00:16:07,298 - WELL, TRIPLE BYPASS SURGERY WILL DO THAT FOR A MAN. 464 00:16:07,300 --> 00:16:08,799 - HOW'S MARCELLO? 465 00:16:08,801 --> 00:16:11,002 - OH, FIGHTING THE SAME OLD CURRICULUM BATTLES 466 00:16:11,004 --> 00:16:12,569 AGAINST THE REST OF THE FACULTY. 467 00:16:12,571 --> 00:16:14,372 AND EACH FALL, THERE'S A NEW BATCH OF FRESHMEN 468 00:16:14,374 --> 00:16:15,372 TO POTTY TRAIN. 469 00:16:15,374 --> 00:16:17,507 - I ENJOYED YOUR COLUMN THIS WEEK. 470 00:16:17,509 --> 00:16:19,243 - WE'RE PREACHING TO THE CONVERTED. 471 00:16:19,245 --> 00:16:21,145 I GET OUTRAGED, THE READERS GET OUTRAGED, 472 00:16:21,147 --> 00:16:22,546 AND NOTHING HAPPENS. 473 00:16:22,548 --> 00:16:24,782 SOMETIMES I THINK I SHOULD HAVE GONE INTO TELEVISION. 474 00:16:24,784 --> 00:16:27,618 - [laughs] YOU IN TELEVISION, DARIA? 475 00:16:27,620 --> 00:16:29,486 - I KNOW. WHO AM I KIDDING? 476 00:16:29,488 --> 00:16:31,655 - HAS THERE BEEN ANY FURTHER DISCUSSION 477 00:16:31,657 --> 00:16:33,657 ABOUT EXPANDING YOUR LITTLE FAMILY? 478 00:16:33,659 --> 00:16:36,260 - MOM, YOU KNOW I'M NOT READY FOR KIDS. 479 00:16:36,262 --> 00:16:39,029 THE WHOLE IDEA MAKES ME UNEASY, AND I'M NOT SURE WHY. 480 00:16:39,031 --> 00:16:40,364 [door clicks open] - GIVE ME THAT! 481 00:16:40,366 --> 00:16:41,498 - NO, IT'S MINE! 482 00:16:41,500 --> 00:16:43,034 - MOMMY! 483 00:16:43,036 --> 00:16:44,702 - OH, YEAH. NOW I REMEMBER. 484 00:16:44,704 --> 00:16:46,303 - HI. 485 00:16:46,305 --> 00:16:48,439 YOU KNOW WHERE GRANDMA'S TV IS. 486 00:16:48,441 --> 00:16:51,308 GO WATCH SOMETHING EDUCATIONAL. 487 00:16:51,310 --> 00:16:52,976 BOY, I'M EXHAUSTED. 488 00:16:52,978 --> 00:16:55,279 - BREAST IMPLANTS FOR CHICKENS... 489 00:16:55,281 --> 00:16:56,847 both: NOT THAT! 490 00:16:56,849 --> 00:16:58,215 - HOW ARE YOU, QUINN? 491 00:16:58,217 --> 00:17:00,852 - OH, YOU KNOW, ANOTHER DAY, ANOTHER BABY. 492 00:17:00,854 --> 00:17:02,119 [laughter] 493 00:17:02,121 --> 00:17:03,387 I SWEAR, ONE OF THESE DAYS, 494 00:17:03,389 --> 00:17:05,423 I'M GONNA SLIP SOMETHING INTO JAMIE'S BEER, 495 00:17:05,425 --> 00:17:06,657 AND WHILE HE'S UNCONSCIOUS, 496 00:17:06,659 --> 00:17:08,158 I'M GONNA GO OUT AND GET MY TUBES TIED. 497 00:17:08,160 --> 00:17:09,960 - BETTER YET, HIS TUBES. 498 00:17:09,962 --> 00:17:11,261 [laughter] 499 00:17:11,263 --> 00:17:12,563 - HOW'S DAD? 500 00:17:12,565 --> 00:17:13,798 AND WHAT'S HE WANT? 501 00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:15,065 - I'M GREAT. 502 00:17:15,067 --> 00:17:16,067 GOO-GOO. 503 00:17:16,069 --> 00:17:17,802 - [cries] 504 00:17:17,804 --> 00:17:19,203 - AH, SORRY. 505 00:17:19,205 --> 00:17:21,472 YOU KNOW, GIRLS, I WAS GOING OVER MY WILL... 506 00:17:21,474 --> 00:17:22,640 - NOT AGAIN. 507 00:17:22,642 --> 00:17:24,675 - DADDY, WHY ARE YOU SO MORBID? 508 00:17:24,677 --> 00:17:26,811 - THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I ASKED HIM. 509 00:17:26,813 --> 00:17:29,079 - BUT I LIKE GOING OVER MY WILL. 510 00:17:29,081 --> 00:17:30,648 IT'S GOT ALL THAT MONEY! 511 00:17:30,650 --> 00:17:33,351 - DAD, YOU REVISED YOUR WILL TWO WEEKS AGO 512 00:17:33,353 --> 00:17:36,287 WHEN YOU DISCOVERED YOUR OLD GUM WRAPPER CHAIN IN THE ATTIC. 513 00:17:36,289 --> 00:17:37,721 - THE KIDS ARE GONNA LOVE THAT. 514 00:17:37,723 --> 00:17:40,324 ANYWAY, WHO SAID ANYTHING ABOUT REVISING MY WILL? 515 00:17:40,326 --> 00:17:41,926 - SO WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE? 516 00:17:41,928 --> 00:17:43,127 - WELL, I WAS READING MY WILL, 517 00:17:43,129 --> 00:17:44,729 THINKING ABOUT THE PAST AND THE FUTURE, 518 00:17:44,731 --> 00:17:46,931 AND IT OCCURRED TO ME THAT YOU GIRLS HAVE TURNED OUT 519 00:17:46,933 --> 00:17:48,499 EXACTLY THE WAY I HOPED. 520 00:17:48,501 --> 00:17:49,833 - COME ON. 521 00:17:49,835 --> 00:17:52,836 - DARIA, EVERY WEEK, YOU WRITE THAT COLUMN OF YOURS, 522 00:17:52,838 --> 00:17:54,905 TRYING TO WAKE PEOPLE UP TO THE TRUTH. 523 00:17:54,907 --> 00:17:57,208 MY DAUGHTER, THE CRUSADER. 524 00:17:57,210 --> 00:17:59,576 - WELL, THERE IS SOME PLEASURE IN WINNING AWARDS 525 00:17:59,578 --> 00:18:00,844 FOR SAYING THE SAME THINGS 526 00:18:00,846 --> 00:18:02,780 THAT MADE ME AN OUTCAST IN HIGH SCHOOL. 527 00:18:02,782 --> 00:18:07,151 - AND, QUINN, YOU'VE TAKEN ALL THAT ENERGY AND ENTHUSIASM 528 00:18:07,153 --> 00:18:09,186 YOU USED TO DIRECT TOWARD BEING, UM, 529 00:18:09,188 --> 00:18:11,289 A TEENSY BIT SELF-ABSORBED... 530 00:18:11,291 --> 00:18:14,057 - OH, DADDY, I WAS A STUCK-UP LITTLE NIGHTMARE. 531 00:18:14,059 --> 00:18:16,961 - AND PUT IT ALL INTO BRINGING UP THOSE KIDS. 532 00:18:16,963 --> 00:18:19,163 - AND THAT'S NO EASY TASK. 533 00:18:19,165 --> 00:18:21,199 BELIEVE ME, I KNOW. 534 00:18:21,201 --> 00:18:22,433 - HOW COME YOU NEVER COMPLAIN 535 00:18:22,435 --> 00:18:24,735 ABOUT THOSE LITTLE MONSTERS OF YOURS, QUINN? 536 00:18:24,737 --> 00:18:26,537 - UM, I LIKE THEM, DADDY. 537 00:18:26,539 --> 00:18:29,273 - I'M STILL NOT CLEAR ON WHAT ALL THIS IS ABOUT. 538 00:18:29,275 --> 00:18:33,344 - WELL, I WAS HAVING SO MUCH FUN REMINISCING, I THOUGHT, HEY! 539 00:18:33,346 --> 00:18:34,811 [coughs] 540 00:18:34,813 --> 00:18:37,248 WHY DON'T WE GET TOGETHER FOR A FAMILY CARD GAME 541 00:18:37,250 --> 00:18:38,816 JUST LIKE WE USED TO? 542 00:18:38,818 --> 00:18:40,384 - FAMILY CARD GAME? 543 00:18:40,386 --> 00:18:43,220 - WE NEVER PLAYED A FAMILY CARD GAME IN OUR LIVES. 544 00:18:43,222 --> 00:18:44,489 - DARIA'S RIGHT. 545 00:18:44,491 --> 00:18:46,991 - OH, DO I HEAR THAT. 546 00:18:46,993 --> 00:18:50,361 I REMEMBER ASKING MY FATHER TO PLAY "GO FISH"! 547 00:18:50,363 --> 00:18:51,662 - TRIPLE BYPASS, DAD. 548 00:18:51,664 --> 00:18:52,896 - OKAY, I'M ALL RIGHT. 549 00:18:52,898 --> 00:18:54,632 ANYWAY, SO SCREW IT, THEN. 550 00:18:54,634 --> 00:18:56,733 WE NEVER PLAYED A FAMILY CARD GAME. 551 00:18:56,735 --> 00:18:58,869 LET'S PLAY ONE NOW. BRIDGE? 552 00:18:58,871 --> 00:18:59,970 - GIN. - HEARTS. 553 00:18:59,972 --> 00:19:01,572 - DONE. - OKAY. 554 00:19:01,574 --> 00:19:05,376 I'M GONNA PLAY A GAME OF HEARTS WITH MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE 555 00:19:05,378 --> 00:19:07,178 AND MY TWO GREAT KIDS. 556 00:19:07,180 --> 00:19:09,347 - OH, JAKE. 557 00:19:09,349 --> 00:19:10,481 - HOW ABOUT IT, DARIA? 558 00:19:10,483 --> 00:19:13,317 HEARTS? 559 00:19:13,319 --> 00:19:14,952 - DEAL ME IN. 560 00:19:17,991 --> 00:19:19,690 IT'S NOT VERY GOOD, IS IT? 561 00:19:19,692 --> 00:19:22,059 - [tearfully] OH, DARIA... 562 00:19:22,061 --> 00:19:24,728 - IT WASN'T THAT BAD. 563 00:19:24,730 --> 00:19:26,063 STOP. STOP! 564 00:19:26,065 --> 00:19:29,066 THIS ISN'T A STORY. IT'S REAL LIFE. 565 00:19:29,068 --> 00:19:32,135 - WOW, SO YOUR STORY MADE YOUR MOTHER CRY? 566 00:19:32,137 --> 00:19:33,537 - OUT OF HAPPINESS. 567 00:19:33,539 --> 00:19:35,172 THAT'S THE SICK PART. 568 00:19:35,174 --> 00:19:36,741 - AND RUN THE REASON BY ME AGAIN. 569 00:19:36,743 --> 00:19:38,042 - SHE TOOK IT AS EVIDENCE 570 00:19:38,044 --> 00:19:40,310 THAT I'M SECRETLY NOT AS ALIENATED AS I SEEM 571 00:19:40,312 --> 00:19:41,545 OR SOMETHING. 572 00:19:41,547 --> 00:19:43,580 IT'LL TAKE ME YEARS TO UNDO THE DAMAGE. 573 00:19:43,582 --> 00:19:44,982 - SO YOU GONNA SHOW IT TO O'NEILL? 574 00:19:44,984 --> 00:19:46,316 - I HAVE NO CHOICE. 575 00:19:46,318 --> 00:19:48,753 BUT IF HE CRIES TOO, I'M DROPPING OUT OF SCHOOL. 576 00:19:48,755 --> 00:19:49,854 - WOW. 577 00:19:49,856 --> 00:19:51,188 WELL, LISTEN, NOW THAT YOU'VE GOT 578 00:19:51,190 --> 00:19:52,723 SUCH A GREAT ATTITUDE AND EVERYTHING, 579 00:19:52,725 --> 00:19:53,891 CAN I HAVE YOUR BOOTS? 580 00:19:53,893 --> 00:19:55,192 - YEAH. 581 00:19:55,194 --> 00:19:56,961 TURN AROUND, AND I'LL GIVE YOU ONE RIGHT NOW. 582 00:19:56,963 --> 00:19:59,297 - DARIA, DO YOU THINK SOMEDAY, 583 00:19:59,299 --> 00:20:00,965 I CAN READ YOUR STORY? 584 00:20:00,967 --> 00:20:02,266 - NO. 585 00:20:02,268 --> 00:20:04,802 BUT YOU CAN READ THE ONE WHERE YOU RUN AWAY WITH KEVIN. 586 00:20:04,804 --> 00:20:06,170 - WHAT? 587 00:20:06,172 --> 00:20:09,373 - ♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪ 588 00:20:09,375 --> 00:20:12,376 Captioning by CaptionMax www.captionmax.com 589 00:20:12,378 --> 00:20:15,379 [upbeat rock music] 590 00:20:15,381 --> 00:20:20,751 ♪ ♪ 591 00:20:20,753 --> 00:20:22,286 ♪ LA, LA, LA ♪ 592 00:20:22,288 --> 00:20:26,090 ♪ ♪ 593 00:20:26,092 --> 00:20:27,291 ♪ LA, LA, LA ♪ 594 00:20:27,293 --> 00:20:30,661 ♪ ♪ 595 00:20:30,663 --> 00:20:32,229 ♪ LA, LA, LA ♪ 596 00:20:32,231 --> 00:20:42,106 ♪ ♪ 597 00:20:42,108 --> 00:20:44,775 ♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪ 598 00:20:44,777 --> 00:20:50,046 ♪ ♪