1 00:00:03,570 --> 00:00:05,971 - ♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪ 2 00:00:05,973 --> 00:00:08,540 ♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪ 3 00:00:11,979 --> 00:00:13,879 - I'M TELLING YOU, PUPPETS MAKE ANYTHING FUNNY. 4 00:00:13,881 --> 00:00:16,448 GIVE ME SOMETHING THAT ISN'T FUNNY. 5 00:00:16,450 --> 00:00:19,685 - A PLANE CRASH INTO A NUCLEAR POWER PLANT. 6 00:00:19,687 --> 00:00:20,753 - OKAY. 7 00:00:20,755 --> 00:00:22,454 NOW PICTURE THE SAME PLANE CRASH, 8 00:00:22,456 --> 00:00:24,689 ONLY THE CABIN IS FULL OF SCREAMING PUPPETS 9 00:00:24,691 --> 00:00:26,625 FLAILING THEIR SKINNY LITTLE PUPPET ARMS. 10 00:00:26,627 --> 00:00:27,659 FUNNY, RIGHT? 11 00:00:27,661 --> 00:00:29,161 - MM, MAYBE. 12 00:00:29,163 --> 00:00:30,429 ARE THEY ON FIRE? 13 00:00:30,431 --> 00:00:31,430 - HMM. 14 00:00:31,432 --> 00:00:32,431 [tires screeching] 15 00:00:32,433 --> 00:00:33,498 - HEY, LAWNDALE HIGH. 16 00:00:33,500 --> 00:00:37,135 ARE YOU READY TO PAR-TAY CRA-ZAY? 17 00:00:37,137 --> 00:00:38,770 - WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? 18 00:00:38,772 --> 00:00:40,238 - IF IT'S AN ICE CREAM TRUCK, 19 00:00:40,240 --> 00:00:43,075 THAT BETTER BE SOME DAMN GOOD ICE CREAM. 20 00:00:43,077 --> 00:00:44,076 - WOW! - YEAH! 21 00:00:44,078 --> 00:00:46,010 - OH, MY GOD! 22 00:00:46,012 --> 00:00:47,011 LOOK AT HIS HAIR. 23 00:00:47,013 --> 00:00:48,013 - I'M BING. 24 00:00:48,015 --> 00:00:49,414 - AND I'M THE SPATULA MAN. 25 00:00:49,416 --> 00:00:51,249 WE'RE MENTAL IN THE MORNING. 26 00:00:51,251 --> 00:00:54,353 - 'CAUSE YOU'VE GOT TO BE CRAZY TO MAKE IT THROUGH HIGH SCHOOL. 27 00:00:54,355 --> 00:00:55,354 - YEAH! 28 00:00:55,356 --> 00:00:56,822 - ALL RIGHT! - WHOO-HOO! 29 00:00:56,824 --> 00:00:57,823 - GREAT, YOU GUYS. 30 00:00:57,825 --> 00:00:58,824 - GOOD GRIEF. 31 00:00:58,826 --> 00:01:00,859 - IT'S LAME DJs, CHARLIE BROWN. 32 00:01:00,861 --> 00:01:01,860 - WHOO-HOO! 33 00:01:01,862 --> 00:01:02,861 together: GAH! 34 00:01:02,863 --> 00:01:03,862 - THIS IS SO EXCITING. 35 00:01:03,864 --> 00:01:06,097 IMAGINE, REAL-LIFE CELEBRITIES 36 00:01:06,099 --> 00:01:10,369 BROADCASTING ALL WEEK LIVE FROM LAWNDALE HIGH. 37 00:01:10,371 --> 00:01:11,870 - THEY'RE NOT CELEBRITIES. 38 00:01:11,872 --> 00:01:13,205 - THEY'RE DJs. 39 00:01:13,207 --> 00:01:15,106 - WACKY DJs. 40 00:01:15,108 --> 00:01:18,176 AND THEIR HILARIOUS ANTICS WILL SOON SILENCE 41 00:01:18,178 --> 00:01:20,812 THOSE NAYSAYERS WHO WOULD HAVE US BELIEVE 42 00:01:20,814 --> 00:01:23,415 THAT LAWNDALE HIGH IS A PLACE OF GLOOM. 43 00:01:23,417 --> 00:01:24,616 [laughs] 44 00:01:24,618 --> 00:01:26,418 - OF COURSE, GETTING RID OF THE HIDDEN CAMERAS 45 00:01:26,420 --> 00:01:28,887 AND BOMB SNIFFING DOGS WOULD ACCOMPLISH THE SAME GOAL. 46 00:01:28,889 --> 00:01:30,655 - YOU GIRLS SHOULD BE THANKING ME 47 00:01:30,657 --> 00:01:33,592 FOR CARING SO MUCH ABOUT STUDENT MORALE. 48 00:01:33,594 --> 00:01:36,327 - I DON'T SUPPOSE THE SCHOOL WOULD BE RECEIVING A LARGE FEE 49 00:01:36,329 --> 00:01:39,130 FROM THE RADIO STATION FOR PARTICIPATING IN THIS STUNT. 50 00:01:39,132 --> 00:01:40,399 - MS. MORGENDORFFER, 51 00:01:40,401 --> 00:01:43,135 THOSE BOMB SNIFFING DOGS HAVE TO EAT. 52 00:01:43,137 --> 00:01:44,636 [horn honking] 53 00:01:44,638 --> 00:01:46,771 - COULD PUPPETS MAKE THEM FUNNY? 54 00:01:46,773 --> 00:01:49,908 - MM, I WITHDRAW MY THEORY. 55 00:01:49,910 --> 00:01:51,743 - WELL, ACTUALLY, ERIC, 56 00:01:51,745 --> 00:01:53,479 WOULD YOU MIND IF WE WRAP THIS UP TOMORROW? 57 00:01:53,481 --> 00:01:55,246 OH, NO, THAT'S OKAY. 58 00:01:55,248 --> 00:01:56,348 NO, FINE. 59 00:01:56,350 --> 00:01:57,749 IT'S JUST THAT MY FAMILY WAS JUST-- 60 00:01:57,751 --> 00:01:58,984 - NO, YES, SURE, OF COURSE. 61 00:01:58,986 --> 00:01:59,985 NOT AT ALL. 62 00:01:59,987 --> 00:02:01,152 ANYT-- NEVER. 63 00:02:01,154 --> 00:02:03,288 - NOTHING LIKE TACO TUESDAY, EH, GIRLS? 64 00:02:03,290 --> 00:02:04,756 - IF I RECALL CORRECTLY, 65 00:02:04,758 --> 00:02:06,792 TACO THURSDAY WAS PRETTY SIMILAR. 66 00:02:06,794 --> 00:02:07,993 - I WAS ON THE RADIO TODAY. 67 00:02:07,995 --> 00:02:10,596 BING AND THE SPATULA MAN INVITED THE FASHION CLUB 68 00:02:10,598 --> 00:02:13,832 TO CRITIQUE THE OUTFITS OF SOME LESS STYLISH STUDENTS. 69 00:02:13,834 --> 00:02:15,734 - MARCONI WOULD BE SO PROUD. 70 00:02:15,736 --> 00:02:18,003 - THAT SPATULA MAN IS FUNNY. 71 00:02:18,005 --> 00:02:20,506 - AS ARE MOST MEN NAMED FOR KITCHEN UTENSILS. 72 00:02:20,508 --> 00:02:23,876 - HELEN, YOU'RE GONNA MISS OUT ON ALL THE GUACAMOLE. 73 00:02:23,878 --> 00:02:26,277 ♪ MOM'S GONNA MISS THE GUACAMOLE ♪ 74 00:02:26,279 --> 00:02:27,679 ♪ MOM'S GONNA MISS THE GUACAMOLE ♪ 75 00:02:27,681 --> 00:02:29,982 - ENOUGH WITH THE GUACAMOLE! 76 00:02:29,984 --> 00:02:32,584 NO, NOT YOU, ERIC. 77 00:02:32,586 --> 00:02:34,820 - I THINK BING HAS A CRUSH ON ME. 78 00:02:34,822 --> 00:02:37,589 DADDY, YOU'RE USING ALL THE CHEESE! 79 00:02:37,591 --> 00:02:40,025 - HEY, WHAT DID THE DOCTOR TELL YOU ABOUT CHEESE? 80 00:02:40,027 --> 00:02:42,694 NO, NOT YOU, ERIC. 81 00:02:42,696 --> 00:02:45,397 HOW WOULD I KNOW WHAT THE DOCTOR TOLD YOU ABOUT CHEESE? 82 00:02:45,399 --> 00:02:46,398 [laughs] 83 00:02:46,400 --> 00:02:47,799 WHY, SURE. 84 00:02:47,801 --> 00:02:49,868 I'D LOVE TO HEAR WHAT THE DOCTOR TOLD YOU ABOUT CHEESE. 85 00:02:49,870 --> 00:02:52,537 - "WHAT DID THE DOCTOR TELL YOU ABOUT CHEESE, JAKE?" 86 00:02:52,539 --> 00:02:54,639 "WHAT DID THE DOCTOR TELL YOU ABOUT CHEESE, JAKE?" 87 00:02:54,641 --> 00:02:57,509 WHY CAN'T A MAN COME HOME FROM HARD DAY'S WORK 88 00:02:57,511 --> 00:03:00,178 AND ENJOY A LOUSY TACO WITHOUT IT TURNING INTO-- 89 00:03:00,180 --> 00:03:02,214 HEY, YOU KNOW, IT'S THE DARNDEST THING. 90 00:03:02,216 --> 00:03:03,781 I CAN'T FEEL MY ARM. 91 00:03:03,783 --> 00:03:05,383 - YES, I CAN PROBABLY PUT TOGETHER A-- 92 00:03:05,385 --> 00:03:07,386 - [wheezing] 93 00:03:07,388 --> 00:03:08,386 - DAD? 94 00:03:08,388 --> 00:03:09,621 - BLERG. 95 00:03:09,623 --> 00:03:10,889 - DADDY? 96 00:03:10,891 --> 00:03:14,927 - ♪ MOM'S GONNA MISS THE GUACAMOLE ♪ 97 00:03:14,929 --> 00:03:16,929 - JAKEY! 98 00:03:16,931 --> 00:03:18,931 [siren wailing] 99 00:03:18,933 --> 00:03:21,099 - WE'LL HAVE TO WAIT FOR THE TEST RESULTS, 100 00:03:21,101 --> 00:03:23,435 BUT SO FAR IT LOOKS LIKE A VERY MILD HEART ATTACK. 101 00:03:23,437 --> 00:03:24,536 - OH, NO. 102 00:03:24,538 --> 00:03:26,438 - A HEART ATTACK? 103 00:03:26,440 --> 00:03:27,506 [sobbing] 104 00:03:27,508 --> 00:03:30,275 - A VERY MILD HEART ATTACK. 105 00:03:30,277 --> 00:03:32,043 - WAS THERE MUCH DAMAGE TO HIS HEART? 106 00:03:32,045 --> 00:03:33,345 - I DON'T THINK SO. 107 00:03:33,347 --> 00:03:36,280 IF HE ADOPTS THE RIGHT DIET, EXERCISE, AND ATTITUDE, 108 00:03:36,282 --> 00:03:37,449 HE SHOULD BE FINE. 109 00:03:37,451 --> 00:03:38,916 I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND THE QUESTION, 110 00:03:38,918 --> 00:03:41,519 BUT IS THERE ANYTHING IN YOUR FATHER'S HOME LIFE 111 00:03:41,521 --> 00:03:43,522 THAT MIGHT BE CAUSING HIM STRESS? 112 00:03:43,524 --> 00:03:45,857 - [stops sobbing] 113 00:03:45,859 --> 00:03:48,893 - ARE BATS SNEAKING INTO YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD 114 00:03:48,895 --> 00:03:50,696 DISGUISED AS CUTE FLYING SQUIRRELS? 115 00:03:50,698 --> 00:03:54,099 RABID RODENT RIP-OFF, TONIGHT ON SICK, SAD WORLD. 116 00:03:54,101 --> 00:03:55,100 - [screaming] 117 00:03:55,102 --> 00:03:56,101 THE BATS OF DEATH! 118 00:03:56,103 --> 00:03:57,803 THEY'VE COME FOR ME! 119 00:03:57,805 --> 00:03:58,904 - DON'T WORRY, DAD. 120 00:03:58,906 --> 00:04:00,872 IT'S JUST THE BATS OF BAD TV. 121 00:04:00,874 --> 00:04:02,139 - OH, JAKEY. 122 00:04:02,141 --> 00:04:03,441 I PROMISE THE GIRLS AND I 123 00:04:03,443 --> 00:04:05,744 WILL TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOU FROM NOW ON. 124 00:04:05,746 --> 00:04:06,745 - WHAT'S THE CATCH? 125 00:04:06,747 --> 00:04:08,413 - THERE'S NO CATCH, JAKE. 126 00:04:08,415 --> 00:04:10,948 THAT'S JUST YOUR MEDICATION TALKING. 127 00:04:10,950 --> 00:04:12,718 - ASSUMING HE'S ON ANY MEDICATION. 128 00:04:12,720 --> 00:04:15,120 - THIS BOOK WILL TELL US WHAT WE NEED TO DO 129 00:04:15,122 --> 00:04:17,389 NOW THAT WE HAVE A HEART ATTACK SURVIVOR IN THE FAMILY. 130 00:04:17,391 --> 00:04:18,523 - AND GUESS WHAT, DADDY. 131 00:04:18,525 --> 00:04:20,559 I'M GONNA STUDY TO BE A DOCTOR. 132 00:04:20,561 --> 00:04:21,826 - HEY, THAT'S GREAT. 133 00:04:21,828 --> 00:04:23,795 - DR. QUINN, MEDICINE MORON. 134 00:04:23,797 --> 00:04:25,229 - A HEART DOCTOR. 135 00:04:25,231 --> 00:04:26,498 IF DAD HAD DIED, 136 00:04:26,500 --> 00:04:28,300 I WOULD HAVE BEEN FREAKED OUT FOR, LIKE, YEARS. 137 00:04:28,302 --> 00:04:29,668 - THAT'S THE SPIRIT, SWEETIE. 138 00:04:29,670 --> 00:04:31,136 AVENGE MY DEATH. 139 00:04:31,138 --> 00:04:32,638 - YOU'RE NOT DYING, DAD. 140 00:04:32,640 --> 00:04:33,839 - AVENGE ME! 141 00:04:33,841 --> 00:04:35,506 - JAKE, YOU'RE GONNA GIVE YOURSELF A-- 142 00:04:35,508 --> 00:04:36,708 NEVER MIND. 143 00:04:36,710 --> 00:04:39,311 HONEY, IS THERE ANYTHING WE CAN GET FOR YOU? 144 00:04:39,313 --> 00:04:40,812 - YIPE! 145 00:04:40,814 --> 00:04:42,681 [machine beeping] 146 00:04:42,683 --> 00:04:43,682 - I WANT MY MOMMY. 147 00:04:45,085 --> 00:04:47,619 - SO MY GRANDMOTHER RUTH WILL BE STAYING WITH US 148 00:04:47,621 --> 00:04:48,754 WHILE MY DAD RECOVERS. 149 00:04:48,756 --> 00:04:50,255 - IS THIS THE GRANDMOTHER WHO SAID 150 00:04:50,257 --> 00:04:52,557 SHE'D GIVE YOU A HUNDRED BUCKS IF YOU CHANGED YOUR HAIR? 151 00:04:52,559 --> 00:04:54,259 - BOTH MY GRANDMOTHERS SAID THAT. 152 00:04:54,261 --> 00:04:55,460 [rock guitar] 153 00:04:55,462 --> 00:04:57,395 - SPATULA MAN, I SEE A COUPLE OF LADIES HERE 154 00:04:57,397 --> 00:05:00,465 WHO I BET KNOW HOW TO PAR-TAY. 155 00:05:00,467 --> 00:05:03,101 - WE REALLY SHOULD START DRIVING BETWEEN CLASSES. 156 00:05:03,103 --> 00:05:04,636 - GIRLS, WE'VE GOT A TREASURE CHEST 157 00:05:04,638 --> 00:05:07,639 FULL OF Z93 PRIZES HERE, 158 00:05:07,641 --> 00:05:09,273 AND ALL YOU HAVE TO DO FOR THE KEY 159 00:05:09,275 --> 00:05:11,209 IS TELL US ON THE AIR 160 00:05:11,211 --> 00:05:14,045 WHERE YOU LOVE TO GET MENTAL IN THE MORNING. 161 00:05:15,783 --> 00:05:18,784 - I THINK THEY HAVE STAGE FRIGHT, SPATULA MAN. 162 00:05:18,786 --> 00:05:19,785 - COME ON, GIRLS. 163 00:05:19,787 --> 00:05:21,520 NOTHING TO FEAR BUT WINNING. 164 00:05:21,522 --> 00:05:23,755 JUST TELL US WHICH STATION PLAYS THE HITS 165 00:05:23,757 --> 00:05:26,157 HIGH SCHOOLERS LOVE TO HEAR. 166 00:05:26,159 --> 00:05:27,726 - NOTE TO SELF, 167 00:05:27,728 --> 00:05:31,363 STOP BY COURTHOUSE ON WAY HOME AND PICK UP RESTRAINING ORDER. 168 00:05:31,365 --> 00:05:33,297 - WELL, NO PROBLEMO. 169 00:05:33,299 --> 00:05:36,934 WE'LL JUST FIND SOME OTHER MENTAL MORNING PARTY PEOPLE. 170 00:05:36,936 --> 00:05:39,303 - THIS WILL GET WORSE BEFORE IT GETS BETTER. 171 00:05:39,305 --> 00:05:42,106 - I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY GAVE US FREE KEY CHAINS 172 00:05:42,108 --> 00:05:43,275 WITH A Z93 THINGY. 173 00:05:43,277 --> 00:05:46,711 - AND LOOK, IT'S A FLASHLIGHT TOO. 174 00:05:46,713 --> 00:05:48,346 - WOW, HOW DO THEY DO THAT? 175 00:05:48,348 --> 00:05:51,116 - THEY MUST BE MADE WITH COMPUTERS. 176 00:05:51,118 --> 00:05:52,317 [door bell rings] 177 00:05:52,319 --> 00:05:55,620 - RUTH, IT'S WONDERFUL TO SEE YOU. 178 00:05:55,622 --> 00:05:56,621 - HEY. 179 00:05:56,623 --> 00:05:57,622 - HI, GRANDMA RUTH. 180 00:05:57,624 --> 00:05:58,623 - YEAH, HI. 181 00:05:58,625 --> 00:06:00,024 - HELEN, GIRLS. 182 00:06:00,026 --> 00:06:02,927 STILL HAVEN'T SETTLED ON A DECORATOR, I SEE. 183 00:06:02,929 --> 00:06:04,895 - WELL, IF YOU REMEMBER, RUTH, 184 00:06:04,897 --> 00:06:07,432 I DECIDED TO DECORATE THE HOUSE MYSELF. 185 00:06:07,434 --> 00:06:09,133 - OH, MARVELOUS. 186 00:06:09,135 --> 00:06:11,503 I LOOK FORWARD TO SEEING IT ONCE YOU GET STARTED. 187 00:06:11,505 --> 00:06:13,071 - AS A MATTER OF FACT, IT'S ALREADY-- 188 00:06:13,073 --> 00:06:16,140 - AND HOW ARE MY LITTLE GRANDDAUGHTERS? 189 00:06:16,142 --> 00:06:18,477 DARIA, YOU LOOK-- 190 00:06:18,479 --> 00:06:20,411 YOU HAVEN'T CHANGED A BIT. 191 00:06:20,413 --> 00:06:23,615 - ACTUALLY, I'VE HAD A NUMBER OF BIONIC LIMBS INSTALLED. 192 00:06:23,617 --> 00:06:25,416 - WELL, I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS. 193 00:06:25,418 --> 00:06:27,786 BUT AS LONG AS YOU DON'T GET A TATTOO, I'LL BE HAPPY. 194 00:06:27,788 --> 00:06:30,021 - YOU MEAN ANOTHER TATTOO. 195 00:06:30,023 --> 00:06:33,958 - AND HOW'S MY BEAUTIFUL LITTLE QUINN? 196 00:06:33,960 --> 00:06:35,527 IS THAT A STETHOSCOPE? 197 00:06:35,529 --> 00:06:36,528 - I NEED TO GET USED 198 00:06:36,530 --> 00:06:37,962 TO COORDINATING OUTFITS AROUND IT. 199 00:06:37,964 --> 00:06:39,897 I'M STUDYING TO BE A HEART DOCTOR. 200 00:06:39,899 --> 00:06:41,433 SO THE NEXT TIME MY DAD COLLAPSES, 201 00:06:41,435 --> 00:06:42,967 I CAN SAVE HIM. 202 00:06:42,969 --> 00:06:46,972 - QUINN, GIRLS AS PRETTY AS YOU DON'T NEED TO BECOME DOCTORS. 203 00:06:46,974 --> 00:06:48,072 - I KNOW. 204 00:06:48,074 --> 00:06:49,573 BUT IT'S LIKE, YOU KNOW, A CALLING. 205 00:06:49,575 --> 00:06:51,109 - WHERE'S MY JAKEY? 206 00:06:51,111 --> 00:06:52,677 - MOM, IS THAT YOU? 207 00:06:52,679 --> 00:06:55,647 - JAKEY, YOU SHOULDN'T BE YELLING. 208 00:06:55,649 --> 00:06:57,549 DIDN'T YOU GIVE HIM A BELL? 209 00:06:57,551 --> 00:07:00,618 - WE WERE JUST ABOUT TO, OF COURSE. 210 00:07:00,620 --> 00:07:01,553 - REALLY. 211 00:07:03,590 --> 00:07:07,025 - THIS DOESN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT A BELL. 212 00:07:07,027 --> 00:07:11,363 - ♪ LA, LA-LA, LA-LA LA-LA ♪ 213 00:07:11,365 --> 00:07:14,733 ♪ LA-LA, LA-LA, LA-LA ♪ 214 00:07:18,472 --> 00:07:21,739 - "OH, IT OFFENDS ME TO THE SOUL 215 00:07:21,741 --> 00:07:23,975 "TO HEAR A ROBUSTIOUS PERIWEG-PATED FELLOW 216 00:07:23,977 --> 00:07:26,344 "TEAR A PASSION TO TATERS, TO VERY RAGS, 217 00:07:26,346 --> 00:07:27,946 TO SPLIT THE EARS OF THE GROUNDLINGS"-- 218 00:07:27,948 --> 00:07:29,881 - COMING UP, OUR RAUNCH-A-RIFFIC LIST 219 00:07:29,883 --> 00:07:32,249 OF 101 WORDS FOR SEX! 220 00:07:32,251 --> 00:07:33,251 - [gasps] 221 00:07:33,253 --> 00:07:35,821 [all cheering] 222 00:07:35,823 --> 00:07:37,088 - [laughs] 223 00:07:38,725 --> 00:07:40,459 - SO THE STORIES WERE RIGHT. 224 00:07:40,461 --> 00:07:43,728 PEOPLE REALLY DO USE THESE PECULIAR ROOMS TO PREPARE FOOD. 225 00:07:43,730 --> 00:07:45,230 - WELCOME HOME, DEAR. 226 00:07:45,232 --> 00:07:47,031 I'M JUST TEACHING YOUR MOTHER HOW TO COOK. 227 00:07:47,033 --> 00:07:48,132 - OH, NONSENSE. 228 00:07:48,134 --> 00:07:49,267 I COOK ALL THE TIME. 229 00:07:49,269 --> 00:07:50,469 DON'T I, DARIA? 230 00:07:50,471 --> 00:07:51,670 - WELL-- 231 00:07:51,672 --> 00:07:53,405 - WHAT EXACTLY ARE YOU MAKING, HELEN? 232 00:07:53,407 --> 00:07:55,573 - CHINESE CHICKEN WITH PEA PODS. 233 00:07:55,575 --> 00:07:56,974 - MM-HMM. 234 00:07:56,976 --> 00:08:00,111 YOU DO REALIZE THAT'S A PIECE OF FISH. 235 00:08:02,950 --> 00:08:06,717 - UGH, THIS IS SO FRUSTRATING. 236 00:08:06,719 --> 00:08:08,854 DARIA, HAVE YOU EVER READ THIS BOOK? 237 00:08:08,856 --> 00:08:12,423 - THROMBOCYTOPENIC COMPLICATIONS AFTER STENT PLACEMENT 238 00:08:12,425 --> 00:08:15,260 POST CORONARY ARTERY ANGIOPLASTY. 239 00:08:15,262 --> 00:08:17,829 MAYBE YOU SHOULD START OFF WITH SOMETHING EASIER. 240 00:08:17,831 --> 00:08:21,299 MANY COLORING BOOKS FEATURE HEARTS AND RAINBOWS. 241 00:08:22,970 --> 00:08:25,236 - COME ON, JAKEY. 242 00:08:25,238 --> 00:08:27,205 YOU'VE GOT TO EAT SOMETHING. 243 00:08:27,207 --> 00:08:29,207 - BUT I DON'T LIKE OATMEAL. 244 00:08:29,209 --> 00:08:31,943 - IF YOU EAT IT, I'LL GIVE YOU SOME APPLE JUICE. 245 00:08:31,945 --> 00:08:32,944 - WITH A STRAW? 246 00:08:32,946 --> 00:08:34,813 - PRETEND THE SPOON IS AN AIRPLANE. 247 00:08:34,815 --> 00:08:36,081 WORKS EVERY TIME. 248 00:08:36,083 --> 00:08:38,817 DARIA, COULD YOU FEED YOUR FATHER FOR A MINUTE? 249 00:08:38,819 --> 00:08:39,818 - I'M SURE HE CAN-- 250 00:08:39,820 --> 00:08:40,819 - THANKS, DEAR. 251 00:08:40,821 --> 00:08:44,222 - DARIA, MY ELDEST, MY HEIR. 252 00:08:44,224 --> 00:08:46,557 - WELL, IF I MANAGE TO BUMP OFF MOM 253 00:08:46,559 --> 00:08:47,993 AND MAKE IT LOOK LIKE AN ACCIDENT. 254 00:08:47,995 --> 00:08:49,227 - THIS IS SERIOUS, DARIA. 255 00:08:49,229 --> 00:08:50,928 I MAY NOT BE LONG FOR THIS EARTH. 256 00:08:50,930 --> 00:08:53,031 AND WHEN I GO, IT COULD WELL FALL ON YOU 257 00:08:53,033 --> 00:08:54,366 TO PUT THINGS IN ORDER. 258 00:08:54,368 --> 00:08:56,634 YOUR MOTHER, OF COURSE, WILL BE SO STRICKEN WITH GRIEF 259 00:08:56,636 --> 00:08:57,935 SHE'LL BE UNABLE TO FUNCTION. 260 00:08:57,937 --> 00:09:02,340 AND QUINN, SHE'S JUST SO VERY YOUNG. 261 00:09:02,342 --> 00:09:05,509 OH, GOD, MY LITTLE QUINN! 262 00:09:05,511 --> 00:09:06,510 [sobbing] 263 00:09:06,512 --> 00:09:08,713 - DAD, YOU'RE NOT DYING. 264 00:09:08,715 --> 00:09:11,015 THE DOCTOR SAID YOU'D BE FINE AFTER SOME REST. 265 00:09:11,017 --> 00:09:13,752 - TO THINK I PROMISED TO WALK YOU DOWN THE AISLE ONE DAY. 266 00:09:13,754 --> 00:09:15,086 - NOW THERE'S A REQUEST 267 00:09:15,088 --> 00:09:16,755 I DEFINITELY DON'T REMEMBER MAKING. 268 00:09:16,757 --> 00:09:18,857 - DARIA, YOU DON'T GET IT. 269 00:09:18,859 --> 00:09:21,159 THE REAPER COULD WALK INTO THIS ROOM AT ANY MOMENT. 270 00:09:21,161 --> 00:09:23,361 - TIME FOR SOMEONE'S SPONGE BATH. 271 00:09:23,363 --> 00:09:25,130 - [screams] 272 00:09:25,132 --> 00:09:27,232 - HEY, SPATULA MAN. 273 00:09:27,234 --> 00:09:28,433 LET'S REMIND OUR AUDIENCE 274 00:09:28,435 --> 00:09:29,901 WHAT WE'RE DOING HERE THIS MORNING. 275 00:09:29,903 --> 00:09:31,269 - IT'S SIMPLE, BING. 276 00:09:31,271 --> 00:09:33,938 WE'RE GONNA MAKE A LOVE MATCH FOR THIS YOUNG MAN 277 00:09:33,940 --> 00:09:35,206 LIVE ON THE AIR. 278 00:09:35,208 --> 00:09:36,274 WHAT'S YOUR NAME, CHIEF? 279 00:09:36,276 --> 00:09:37,642 - CHARLES IS MY NAME. 280 00:09:37,644 --> 00:09:41,879 EXPLORING THE DARK UNDERBELLY OF PASSION IS MY GAME. 281 00:09:41,881 --> 00:09:42,880 - [laughs] 282 00:09:42,882 --> 00:09:43,881 OKAY, CHARLES. 283 00:09:43,883 --> 00:09:45,416 THE FIRST GIRL OUT HERE IN OUR AUDIENCE 284 00:09:45,418 --> 00:09:46,651 TO AGREE TO A DATE WITH YOU 285 00:09:46,653 --> 00:09:50,054 IS GONNA GET A FREE MENTAL IN THE MORNING 286 00:09:50,056 --> 00:09:51,722 BUMPER STICKER. 287 00:09:51,724 --> 00:09:54,092 - WHAT DO YOU SAY, LADIES? 288 00:09:54,094 --> 00:09:55,426 - EW! - UPCHUCK? 289 00:09:55,428 --> 00:09:56,928 - NO WAY. 290 00:09:56,930 --> 00:09:59,096 - A DATE FOR A BUMPER STICKER? 291 00:09:59,098 --> 00:10:02,366 - EVEN UPCHUCK DOESN'T DESERVE THIS MUCH HUMILIATION. 292 00:10:02,368 --> 00:10:04,603 - THINK HOW THE BUMPER STICKER MUST FEEL. 293 00:10:04,605 --> 00:10:07,572 - WELL, CHARLES, LOOKS LIKE THE RESPONSE IS UNDERWHELMING, 294 00:10:07,574 --> 00:10:08,573 TO SAY THE LEAST. 295 00:10:08,575 --> 00:10:09,574 - NO, NO. 296 00:10:09,576 --> 00:10:11,876 THEY'RE ALWAYS SHY AT FIRST. 297 00:10:11,878 --> 00:10:14,679 IT MAKES THEM MORE MYSTERIOUS. 298 00:10:14,681 --> 00:10:16,381 - HEY, IF THEY WON'T COME TO YOU, CARLOS, 299 00:10:16,383 --> 00:10:20,852 THE SPATULA MAN AIN'T TOO PROUD TO GO TO THEM. 300 00:10:20,854 --> 00:10:22,487 - HEY! 301 00:10:22,489 --> 00:10:23,488 - OW. 302 00:10:23,490 --> 00:10:25,223 - WATCH IT, SPATULA GEEK. 303 00:10:25,225 --> 00:10:27,792 - HEY, CHICK-A-RITAS, WHICH ONE OF YOU LOVELIES 304 00:10:27,794 --> 00:10:30,261 WANTS TO GO OUT FOR A NIGHT ON THE TOWN 305 00:10:30,263 --> 00:10:31,363 WITH MY MAN CHARLES 306 00:10:31,365 --> 00:10:35,533 AND WIN A FREE BUMPER STICKER ON Z93? 307 00:10:35,535 --> 00:10:36,668 - TIFFANY DEAR, 308 00:10:36,670 --> 00:10:39,671 WOULD YOU PLEASE EXPLAIN TO THE SPATULA MAN 309 00:10:39,673 --> 00:10:42,573 WHY A BUMPER STICKER CANNOT POSSIBLE COMPENSATE 310 00:10:42,575 --> 00:10:45,209 FOR THE SHAME AND PERMANENT REPUTATION DAMAGE 311 00:10:45,211 --> 00:10:48,379 INVOLVED WITH A SINGLE DATE WITH CHARLES RUTTHEIMER? 312 00:10:48,381 --> 00:10:50,481 - UPCHUCK? 313 00:10:50,483 --> 00:10:51,683 EW. 314 00:10:51,685 --> 00:10:53,384 - WELL DONE. 315 00:10:53,386 --> 00:10:54,752 - HEY, HOW ABOUT YOU? 316 00:10:54,754 --> 00:10:58,289 UP FOR A DATE WITH OUR DON JUAN DE LAWNDALE? 317 00:10:58,291 --> 00:10:59,524 - NO THANKS. 318 00:10:59,526 --> 00:11:02,460 - DON'T YOU WANT TO HEAR YOUR VOICE ON THE RADIO? 319 00:11:02,462 --> 00:11:03,461 COME ON. 320 00:11:03,463 --> 00:11:04,796 YOU LOOK LIKE YOU COULD USE A DATE. 321 00:11:04,798 --> 00:11:06,798 - CLIMB ON UP HERE, KITTEN. 322 00:11:06,800 --> 00:11:09,600 LET ME BE YOUR BALL OF YARN. 323 00:11:09,602 --> 00:11:11,369 [purring] 324 00:11:11,371 --> 00:11:13,872 - OKAY, YOU TALKED ME INTO IT. 325 00:11:13,874 --> 00:11:16,140 - YOU HEAR THAT, EVERYBODY? 326 00:11:16,142 --> 00:11:20,445 - I'LL JUST RUN HOME FIRST AND TAKE A TEN-YEAR SHOWER. 327 00:11:20,447 --> 00:11:22,713 - BED, COME ON. 328 00:11:22,715 --> 00:11:25,316 I NEED LUMBAR SUPPORT, LUMBAR SUPPORT! 329 00:11:25,318 --> 00:11:27,117 - JAKE, CALM DOWN. 330 00:11:27,119 --> 00:11:29,554 YOUR FATHER NEVER USED TO CARRY ON LIKE THIS. 331 00:11:29,556 --> 00:11:30,555 - OF COURSE NOT. 332 00:11:30,557 --> 00:11:32,724 EXPRESSING EMOTION REQUIRES A SOUL. 333 00:11:32,726 --> 00:11:34,859 - WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? 334 00:11:34,861 --> 00:11:37,729 DAD WAS A DECENT, CARING MAN. 335 00:11:37,731 --> 00:11:39,063 - OH, SURE HE WAS. 336 00:11:39,065 --> 00:11:41,099 CARING ENOUGH TO SHIP ME OFF TO MILITARY SCHOOL 337 00:11:41,101 --> 00:11:42,266 FIRST CHANCE HE GOT. 338 00:11:42,268 --> 00:11:44,902 - BUT YOU ASKED FOR MORE STRUCTURE IN YOUR LIFE. 339 00:11:44,904 --> 00:11:48,405 - ALL I SAID WAS I MIGHT WANT TO GO TO TENNIS CAMP. 340 00:11:48,407 --> 00:11:49,741 - OH, THAT'S RIGHT. 341 00:11:49,743 --> 00:11:51,442 - BUT DAD TWISTED MY WORDS AROUND, 342 00:11:51,444 --> 00:11:54,411 THE SAME WAY HE TWISTED MY ENTIRE ADOLESCENCE 343 00:11:54,413 --> 00:11:58,315 INTO A BITTER HANGMAN'S NOOSE OF RESENTMENT AND ISOLATION. 344 00:11:58,317 --> 00:12:00,752 HE WOULDN'T EVEN TEACH ME TO SHAVE. 345 00:12:00,754 --> 00:12:01,753 - NOW, JAKE. 346 00:12:01,755 --> 00:12:04,155 YOU KNOW YOUR FATHER HAD A RAZOR PHOBIA. 347 00:12:04,157 --> 00:12:06,290 - I HAD TO LEARN BEHIND THE MUNITIONS HUT 348 00:12:06,292 --> 00:12:07,926 FROM CORPORAL ELLENBOGEN. 349 00:12:07,928 --> 00:12:10,762 - THAT MAN WITH ONE THUMB? 350 00:12:10,764 --> 00:12:12,096 [game buzzing] 351 00:12:12,098 --> 00:12:14,432 - DARIA, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THIS PATTERN? 352 00:12:14,434 --> 00:12:16,767 YOUR GRANDMOTHER SEEMS TO THINK OUR CURRENT DRAPES 353 00:12:16,769 --> 00:12:18,236 AREN'T CHEERY ENOUGH. 354 00:12:18,238 --> 00:12:20,071 I'LL SHOW HER CHEERY. 355 00:12:20,073 --> 00:12:22,506 - THIS MIGHT NOT BE THE BEST TIME FOR YOU TO BE WORKING 356 00:12:22,508 --> 00:12:24,175 NEAR LARGE PANES OF GLASS. 357 00:12:24,177 --> 00:12:25,810 - OH, DARN IT. 358 00:12:25,812 --> 00:12:28,846 I THOUGHT THIS SURGERY THING WOULD BE A LOT EASIER. 359 00:12:28,848 --> 00:12:29,847 - DON'T WORRY. 360 00:12:29,849 --> 00:12:31,148 WHEN YOU OPERATE ON REAL PEOPLE, 361 00:12:31,150 --> 00:12:32,450 THEIR NOSES DON'T LIGHT UP. 362 00:12:32,452 --> 00:12:34,952 - CAN YOU BELIEVE THE STOMACH ON THIS PATIENT GUY? 363 00:12:34,954 --> 00:12:37,355 NO WONDER HE HAS TO GET ALL THIS STUFF REMOVED. 364 00:12:37,357 --> 00:12:38,423 [phone ringing] 365 00:12:38,425 --> 00:12:40,692 - UM, QUINN. 366 00:12:40,694 --> 00:12:42,427 THAT IS THE PHONE, ISN'T IT? 367 00:12:42,429 --> 00:12:44,162 - SORRY, I'M STUDYING. 368 00:12:44,164 --> 00:12:45,163 [buzzing continues] 369 00:12:45,165 --> 00:12:46,297 - HELLO? 370 00:12:46,299 --> 00:12:48,333 MOM, IT'S MARY ANNE AT THE OFFICE. 371 00:12:48,335 --> 00:12:50,267 - I'LL JUST HAVE TO CALL HER BACK. 372 00:12:50,269 --> 00:12:51,836 USE THE MESSAGE PAD. 373 00:12:51,838 --> 00:12:54,105 - MESSAGE PAD? 374 00:12:54,107 --> 00:12:57,742 SHE'LL HAVE TO GET BACK TO YOU WHEN SHE REGAINS HER SANITY. 375 00:12:57,744 --> 00:13:00,444 NO, I DON'T KNOW WHEN THAT WILL BE. 376 00:13:00,446 --> 00:13:02,280 OKAY, BYE. 377 00:13:02,282 --> 00:13:03,281 [phone beeps] 378 00:13:03,283 --> 00:13:05,850 [phone ringing] 379 00:13:05,852 --> 00:13:07,952 HELLO? 380 00:13:07,954 --> 00:13:10,488 YES, QUINN'S HERE, BUT SHE'S STUDYING. 381 00:13:10,490 --> 00:13:12,457 [slowly] STUDYING. 382 00:13:12,459 --> 00:13:14,425 NO, THIS ISN'T A PRANK CALL. 383 00:13:14,427 --> 00:13:16,060 YOU CALLED ME. 384 00:13:16,062 --> 00:13:17,462 OKAY, I'LL TELL HER. 385 00:13:17,464 --> 00:13:18,463 [game buzzing] 386 00:13:18,465 --> 00:13:19,463 THAT WAS-- 387 00:13:19,465 --> 00:13:21,866 - MESSAGE PAD. 388 00:13:21,868 --> 00:13:24,469 DARN GALL BLADDER. 389 00:13:24,471 --> 00:13:26,504 - NO MATTER WHAT I DID, 390 00:13:26,506 --> 00:13:28,038 HE'D ALWAYS DONE IT BETTER. 391 00:13:28,040 --> 00:13:30,775 - HE GAVE ME $50 A MONTH FOR MY ALLOWANCE. 392 00:13:30,777 --> 00:13:32,043 ALLOWANCE! 393 00:13:32,045 --> 00:13:35,246 AS IF KEEPING HIS HOUSE SPOTLESS AND RAISING HIS CHILDREN 394 00:13:35,248 --> 00:13:37,948 WAS ONLY WORTH THE PRICE OF A COUPLE OF GIRDLES. 395 00:13:37,950 --> 00:13:40,117 - TRIED TO MOLD ME INTO A SOLDIER, 396 00:13:40,119 --> 00:13:41,819 BUT DID HE EVER LET ME HAVE A G.I. JOE? 397 00:13:41,821 --> 00:13:44,289 DIDN'T WANT HIS BOYS PLAYING WITH DOLLS, HE SAID. 398 00:13:44,291 --> 00:13:45,290 - OH, JAKE. 399 00:13:45,292 --> 00:13:47,425 I WANTED YOU TO HAVE THAT DOLL. 400 00:13:47,427 --> 00:13:48,793 - IT WAS AN ACTION FIGURE. 401 00:13:48,795 --> 00:13:50,461 - I'M SORRY, JAKEY. 402 00:13:50,463 --> 00:13:51,796 IF I COULD DO IT ALL OVER, 403 00:13:51,798 --> 00:13:54,632 I'D STAND UP FOR YOU AGAINST YOUR FATHER. 404 00:13:54,634 --> 00:13:55,800 AS A MATTER OF FACT, 405 00:13:55,802 --> 00:13:58,303 I'D DO A LOT OF THINGS DIFFERENTLY. 406 00:13:58,305 --> 00:14:00,204 OH, OH, MY. 407 00:14:00,206 --> 00:14:01,639 [sighs] 408 00:14:01,641 --> 00:14:03,407 FEEL A LITTLE FAINT. 409 00:14:03,409 --> 00:14:04,475 MY CHEST. 410 00:14:04,477 --> 00:14:05,576 - MOMMY? 411 00:14:05,578 --> 00:14:07,678 SEE WHAT YOU'VE DONE, OLD MAN? 412 00:14:07,680 --> 00:14:08,980 HOW MANY MORE LIVES, DAD? 413 00:14:08,982 --> 00:14:13,985 HOW MANY MORE LIVES? 414 00:14:13,987 --> 00:14:15,352 [game buzzing] 415 00:14:15,354 --> 00:14:17,521 - DARIA, WHAT'S GOING ON UP THERE? 416 00:14:17,523 --> 00:14:21,392 - I THINK WE MAY HAVE ANOTHER PATIENT ON OUR HANDS. 417 00:14:30,103 --> 00:14:31,836 ANYWAY, THE DOCTOR CHECKED HER OUT, 418 00:14:31,838 --> 00:14:33,337 AND SHE'S OKAY. 419 00:14:33,339 --> 00:14:36,607 IT WAS JUST GAS FROM MY MOTHER'S HEART-SMART LIMA BEAN CUPCAKES. 420 00:14:36,609 --> 00:14:39,276 - SHE COLLAPSED RIGHT NEXT TO YOUR DAD? 421 00:14:39,278 --> 00:14:41,211 THAT'S SO SWEET. 422 00:14:41,213 --> 00:14:43,814 I MEAN, IN A TWISTED, HORRIBLE SORT OF WAY. 423 00:14:43,816 --> 00:14:45,115 - I GUESS. 424 00:14:45,117 --> 00:14:47,151 - THEY'RE NOT STILL IN BED TOGETHER, ARE THEY? 425 00:14:47,153 --> 00:14:49,487 - HEART DISEASE, BORDERLINE PSYCHOSIS: 426 00:14:49,489 --> 00:14:52,456 I SHUDDER TO THINK WHAT LIES BEHIND DOOR NUMBER THREE 427 00:14:52,458 --> 00:14:54,392 IN THE MORGENDORFFER GENETIC CODE. 428 00:14:54,394 --> 00:14:56,093 - IT COULD BE WORSE. 429 00:14:56,095 --> 00:14:58,462 YOU COULD COME FROM A FAMILY OF WACKY MORNING DJs. 430 00:14:58,464 --> 00:14:59,763 - DON'T REMIND ME. 431 00:14:59,765 --> 00:15:01,399 BETWEEN DAD AND THE PARTY VAN, 432 00:15:01,401 --> 00:15:04,335 LIFE'S BECOME A LIVING HELL AT HOME AND AT SCHOOL. 433 00:15:04,337 --> 00:15:05,336 - DON'T WORRY. 434 00:15:05,338 --> 00:15:06,904 THE VAN WILL MOVE ON SOON 435 00:15:06,906 --> 00:15:09,506 OR BE DESTROYED IN A MYSTERIOUS BOMBING. 436 00:15:09,508 --> 00:15:10,641 I HAVEN'T DECIDED YET. 437 00:15:10,643 --> 00:15:12,743 - THERE'S NO PLACE LEFT FOR ME TO HIDE. 438 00:15:12,745 --> 00:15:14,779 - YOU COULD ALWAYS DIVE INTO A WOODED THICKET. 439 00:15:15,915 --> 00:15:18,816 HEY, IT WORKS FOR BUNNIES. 440 00:15:18,818 --> 00:15:23,821 - Z93 MAKES ME MENTAL IN THE MORNING! 441 00:15:23,823 --> 00:15:25,356 [gasping] 442 00:15:25,358 --> 00:15:26,858 - WHOO-HOO! 443 00:15:26,860 --> 00:15:28,092 - YEAH! 444 00:15:28,094 --> 00:15:29,260 [all cheering] 445 00:15:29,262 --> 00:15:31,129 - I'VE SEEN MORE PEOPLE COLLAPSE THIS WEEK. 446 00:15:31,131 --> 00:15:32,563 - THAT WAS PRETTY GOOD. 447 00:15:32,565 --> 00:15:33,964 BUT GOOD ENOUGH TO WIN A T-SHIRT? 448 00:15:33,966 --> 00:15:35,800 I DON'T THINK SO. 449 00:15:35,802 --> 00:15:38,536 - THERE MUST BE SOME OTHER STUDENTS OUT THERE 450 00:15:38,538 --> 00:15:42,640 WHO CAN TELL US ON THE AIR WHY Z93 451 00:15:42,642 --> 00:15:44,909 MAKES THEM MENTAL IN THE MORNING. 452 00:15:44,911 --> 00:15:45,910 - ME, ME! 453 00:15:45,912 --> 00:15:46,911 [all shouting] 454 00:15:46,913 --> 00:15:48,813 - YOU THERE, IN THE GREEN. 455 00:15:48,815 --> 00:15:49,814 YEAH, YOU! 456 00:15:49,816 --> 00:15:51,081 - ONCE AGAIN, 457 00:15:51,083 --> 00:15:53,017 I'M BEING PERSONALLY ADDRESSED BY A MORNING DJ. 458 00:15:53,019 --> 00:15:54,018 - THAT'S IT. 459 00:15:54,020 --> 00:15:55,219 I WANT YOUR AUTOGRAPH. 460 00:15:55,221 --> 00:15:57,221 - YOU'VE BEEN AVOIDING US ALL WEEK LONG. 461 00:15:57,223 --> 00:15:58,756 WHY NOT COME UP HERE 462 00:15:58,758 --> 00:16:05,095 AND TELL US WHY Z93 MAKES YOU MENTAL IN THE MORNING? 463 00:16:05,097 --> 00:16:07,331 - FREE T-SHIRT. 464 00:16:07,333 --> 00:16:10,300 - IT'S TWO SIZES TOO LARGE AND TISSUE THIN. 465 00:16:10,302 --> 00:16:11,736 HOW CAN YOU RESIST? 466 00:16:11,738 --> 00:16:14,438 - I'D FINALLY HAVE A DECENT OUTFIT FOR THE AUTO SHOW. 467 00:16:14,440 --> 00:16:16,940 - BUT ARE YOU MENTAL IN THE MORNING? 468 00:16:16,942 --> 00:16:19,243 - YOU KNOW, I THINK I AM. 469 00:16:19,245 --> 00:16:22,179 [all cheering] 470 00:16:23,682 --> 00:16:26,684 A FEW DAYS AGO, MY FATHER HAD A HEART ATTACK, 471 00:16:26,686 --> 00:16:28,986 FORCING ME TO ADMIT HIS MORTALITY TO MYSELF 472 00:16:28,988 --> 00:16:30,487 FOR THE FIRST TIME. 473 00:16:30,489 --> 00:16:32,056 ACCEPTING THIS GRIM NEW KNOWLEDGE 474 00:16:32,058 --> 00:16:33,591 HAS BEEN ESPECIALLY DIFFICULT, 475 00:16:33,593 --> 00:16:35,727 AS I'VE BEEN UNDER CONSTANT YAMMERING ASSAULT 476 00:16:35,729 --> 00:16:37,628 BY TWO UTTERLY BRAINLESS AND TALENTLESS 477 00:16:37,630 --> 00:16:40,031 SO-CALLED RADIO PERSONALITIES. 478 00:16:40,033 --> 00:16:43,334 AND SO FOR THESE REASONS, I, DARIA MORGENDORFFER, 479 00:16:43,336 --> 00:16:44,868 AM MENTAL IN THE MORNING. 480 00:16:49,509 --> 00:16:50,942 [tires squealing] 481 00:16:54,113 --> 00:16:55,480 - WHAT DO YOU THINK? 482 00:16:55,482 --> 00:16:57,582 IT'S BASICALLY YOUR CHILI RECIPE 483 00:16:57,584 --> 00:16:58,816 BUT WITH HALF THE FAT. 484 00:16:58,818 --> 00:17:00,551 - JAKE WILL KNOW THE DIFFERENCE. 485 00:17:00,553 --> 00:17:01,986 HE GREW UP WITH MY CHILI. 486 00:17:01,988 --> 00:17:04,288 - AND NOW HE'S HAD A HEART ATTACK. 487 00:17:04,290 --> 00:17:06,891 - I'M SURE YOU DID THE BEST YOU COULD. 488 00:17:06,893 --> 00:17:09,360 CHILI'S NOT EASY FOR SOMEONE WHO SO RARELY 489 00:17:09,362 --> 00:17:10,428 GETS TO COOK FOR HER FAMILY. 490 00:17:10,430 --> 00:17:11,829 - NOW, RUTH-- - [gasps] 491 00:17:11,831 --> 00:17:13,230 together: QUINN? 492 00:17:13,232 --> 00:17:17,134 - DID YOU KNOW THE HEART CAN TAKE BLUE BLOOD AND MAKE IT RED? 493 00:17:17,136 --> 00:17:19,336 - QUINN, IF YOU DON'T TAKE YOUR NOSE OUT OF THAT BOOK 494 00:17:19,338 --> 00:17:21,272 FROM TIME TO TIME, YOU'RE GOING TO GET WRINKLES. 495 00:17:21,274 --> 00:17:22,640 - I THOUGHT OF THAT. 496 00:17:22,642 --> 00:17:24,941 BUT THE LADY AT THE MAKEUP COUNTER SAID READING IS OKAY 497 00:17:24,943 --> 00:17:26,477 AS LONG AS I PACE MYSELF. 498 00:17:26,479 --> 00:17:30,080 - WOULDN'T IT JUST BE EASIER JUST TO MARRY A NICE DOCTOR? 499 00:17:30,082 --> 00:17:32,349 THEN YOU COULD STAY HOME WITH YOUR CHILDREN 500 00:17:32,351 --> 00:17:35,520 AND HAVE DINNER ON THE TABLE FOR YOUR HUSBAND EVERY NIGHT. 501 00:17:35,522 --> 00:17:37,154 - JUST WHAT ARE YOU GETTING AT, RUTH? 502 00:17:37,156 --> 00:17:39,723 - SHE WANTS YOU BOTH TO MODEL YOUR LIVES AFTER HERS. 503 00:17:39,725 --> 00:17:41,258 AND WHO COULD BLAME HER? 504 00:17:41,260 --> 00:17:43,394 AFTER ALL, YOU WERE JUST TELLING DAD YESTERDAY 505 00:17:43,396 --> 00:17:46,263 HOW YOU MADE ALL THE RIGHT DECISIONS IN YOUR LIFE. 506 00:17:46,265 --> 00:17:47,731 RIGHT, GRANDMA? 507 00:17:47,733 --> 00:17:48,999 - I--WELL-- 508 00:17:49,001 --> 00:17:52,770 I NEED TO CHECK ON THE LAUNDRY. 509 00:17:52,772 --> 00:17:54,538 - YOU BOTH OWE ME. 510 00:17:55,975 --> 00:17:57,742 - HOW DOES SHE DO THAT? 511 00:17:57,744 --> 00:17:59,777 - YOU GOT ME. 512 00:17:59,779 --> 00:18:01,913 - HOW ARE YOU FEELING, JAKEY? 513 00:18:01,915 --> 00:18:03,447 - OH, BETTER, I GUESS. 514 00:18:03,449 --> 00:18:05,983 IT'S JUST A LITTLE DIFFICULT WHEN YOUR FIRST MAJOR ORGAN 515 00:18:05,985 --> 00:18:07,317 DECIDES TO BETRAY YOU. 516 00:18:07,319 --> 00:18:10,354 - JUST BE THANKFUL YOUR PANCREAS IS STILL ON YOUR SIDE. 517 00:18:10,356 --> 00:18:13,190 - DARIA, HOW AM I DOING AS A DAD? 518 00:18:13,192 --> 00:18:15,326 - UM, I'M NOT SURE WHAT YOU MEAN. 519 00:18:15,328 --> 00:18:18,062 - MY FATHER ALWAYS HAD TO POINT OUT HOW I WAS SCREWING UP. 520 00:18:18,064 --> 00:18:19,497 AND THAT SCREWED ME UP. 521 00:18:19,499 --> 00:18:22,633 I JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE I NEVER MAKE YOU GIRLS FEEL THAT WAY, 522 00:18:22,635 --> 00:18:24,935 LESS WORTHWHILE OR INTELLIGENT THAN YOUR OLD MAN. 523 00:18:24,937 --> 00:18:28,072 - HERE, I DID THE HARD PARTS OF THE CROSSWORD FOR YOU. 524 00:18:28,074 --> 00:18:29,106 THANKS, KIDDO. 525 00:18:29,108 --> 00:18:30,574 - DON'T WORRY, DAD. 526 00:18:30,576 --> 00:18:33,744 I'M SURE YOU'RE DOING BETTER THAN YOUR FATHER DID. 527 00:18:33,746 --> 00:18:36,080 FOR STARTERS, WASN'T HE DEAD AT YOUR AGE? 528 00:18:36,082 --> 00:18:37,681 - HEY! 529 00:18:37,683 --> 00:18:41,085 - DO DOCTORS IN OPERATING ROOMS HAVE TO WEAR THESE MASKS? 530 00:18:41,087 --> 00:18:43,254 BECAUSE THEY CAN'T BE GOOD FOR YOUR PORES. 531 00:18:43,256 --> 00:18:44,488 - NOT NOW, QUINN! 532 00:18:44,490 --> 00:18:47,057 I MIXED UP THE SUGAR AND THE SALT AGAIN. 533 00:18:47,059 --> 00:18:48,659 - YAHOO! 534 00:18:48,661 --> 00:18:51,061 I'M BETTER THAN HIM, BETTER THAN HIM AT LIVING. 535 00:18:51,063 --> 00:18:52,697 HE WAS DEAD AT MY AGE. 536 00:18:52,699 --> 00:18:55,266 WAHOO! 537 00:18:55,268 --> 00:18:56,600 - WAS THAT JAKEY? 538 00:18:56,602 --> 00:18:59,202 - MOM, DOES THIS MEAN THAT DADDY ISN'T GOING TO DIE? 539 00:18:59,204 --> 00:19:02,839 - I THINK IT'S SAFE TO SAY THAT DADDY'S BETTER NOW, HONEY. 540 00:19:07,246 --> 00:19:08,746 - WHERE'S THAT MESSAGE PAD? 541 00:19:08,748 --> 00:19:09,747 - YOU CAN USE THIS PHONE. 542 00:19:09,749 --> 00:19:10,748 I'LL USE MY CELLULAR. 543 00:19:10,750 --> 00:19:11,749 [phones beeping] 544 00:19:11,751 --> 00:19:13,250 - YAY! 545 00:19:13,252 --> 00:19:14,585 HELLO, FRONT LAWN. 546 00:19:14,587 --> 00:19:16,153 HELLO, GARBAGE TRUCK! 547 00:19:16,155 --> 00:19:17,354 MERRY CHRISTMAS, 548 00:19:17,356 --> 00:19:20,024 YOU WONDERFUL OLD GARDEN GNOME. 549 00:19:20,026 --> 00:19:23,160 - SO GRANDMA RUTH JUST TOOK OFF? 550 00:19:23,162 --> 00:19:26,196 - SHE FINALLY REALIZED SHE WAS DOING MORE HARM THAN GOOD. 551 00:19:26,198 --> 00:19:28,032 - AND DID YOU PERHAPS HELP HER REALIZE THAT? 552 00:19:28,034 --> 00:19:30,368 - I MAY HAVE HAD A HAND IN HER EPIPHANY. 553 00:19:30,370 --> 00:19:32,270 - HOPE YOU WASHED IT THOROUGHLY. 554 00:19:32,272 --> 00:19:34,272 SO WITH THE PARTY VAN GONE, 555 00:19:34,274 --> 00:19:35,606 I GUESS YOUR LIFE IS BACK TO NORMAL 556 00:19:35,608 --> 00:19:36,773 AT SCHOOL AND AT HOME. 557 00:19:36,775 --> 00:19:39,643 - YOU KNOW, AS STUPID AS BOTH PLACES ARE, 558 00:19:39,645 --> 00:19:41,712 I SEE NOW THAT THEY COULD BE A LOT WORSE. 559 00:19:41,714 --> 00:19:44,281 - WHY, DARIA, ARE YOU BECOMING AN OPTIMIST? 560 00:19:44,283 --> 00:19:46,216 - HMM, I'M NOT SURE. 561 00:19:46,218 --> 00:19:47,318 HOLD UP YOUR GLASS. 562 00:19:48,388 --> 00:19:50,487 - NOPE, STILL HALF EMPTY. 563 00:19:50,489 --> 00:19:52,056 - GUESS IT WAS JUST A PHASE. 564 00:19:52,058 --> 00:19:54,825 - ALTHOUGH THE HALF THAT'S THERE LOOKS DELIGHTFULLY REFRESHING. 565 00:19:54,827 --> 00:19:55,826 [rock music] 566 00:19:55,828 --> 00:19:59,130 - ALL RIGHT, PARTY PIZZA PEOPLE. 567 00:19:59,132 --> 00:20:01,232 THIS IS THE Z93 PARTY VAN, 568 00:20:01,234 --> 00:20:04,035 AND WE'LL BE BROADCASTING LIVE ALL WEEK FROM RIGHT HERE 569 00:20:04,037 --> 00:20:07,171 AT THE BEST PIZZA PLACE IN TOWN. 570 00:20:07,173 --> 00:20:11,041 NOW, WHO HERE DIGS DJs? 571 00:20:11,043 --> 00:20:13,310 - ♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪ 572 00:20:13,312 --> 00:20:16,246 Captioning by CaptionMax www.captionmax.com