- ♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
- WATCHING THE FASHIONVISION HUMANITARIAN AWARDS
INSTEAD OF GOING OUT TONIGHT WAS SUCH A GOOD IDEA, SANDY.
- THEY'RE DONATING A TENTH OF A CENT TO CHARITY
FOR EVERY HOUSEHOLD TUNED IN.
WE'RE REALLY DOING SOMETHING WORTHWHILE.
- SANDY, YOU'VE MADE US INTO CONTRIBUTORS.
- THANK YOU ALL.
I TRY.
- THANK YOU FROM ME AND SPONGE CAKE,
AND MOST OF ALL, FROM THE LITTLE CHILDREN
WHO NOW GET THE PEDICURES THEY SO SORELY NEED.
[all sigh]
- THE FASHIONVISION HUMANITARIAN AWARDS
WILL BE BACK RIGHT AFTER--
- BUT, RITA, IF ERIN NEVER LOVED HIM,
WHY'D SHE MARRY HIM IN THE FIRST PLACE?
ONCE HE GAVE HER HERPES,
SHE DIDN'T THINK ANYONE ELSE WOULD WANT HER?
OH, LORD, RITA!
IT'S A NEW MILLENNIUM.
WHEN WILL PEOPLE GET RID OF
THESE OUTMODED IDEAS ABOUT SEX?
WHERE'S YOUR SISTER?
- IN HER ROOM.
- IS TOM IN THERE WITH HER?
- MO-OM!
I'M NOT J. EDGAR WINTER.
- UGH! TALK TO YOUR AUNT.
- HELLO?
IT'S QUINN, AUNT RITA.
WELL, OF COURSE SHE SHOULD DIVORCE HIM.
HE'S SHORT.
- DARIA, WHY DON'T YOU TWO COME DOWNSTAIRS AND, UM...
TOM'S NOT HERE?
- NOT UNLESS YOU'VE GOT HIM SECRETED
SOMEWHERE ON YOUR PERSON.
YOU DO, DON'T YOU?
- OH, HMM, ALL RIGHT, THEN.
[phone ringing]
- HELLO?
- OKAY, THE MOVIE JUST STARTED
AND YOU'RE IN THE COMFORT OF YOUR OWN HOME,
SO I'D SAY YOU'RE NOT GONNA MAKE IT.
WHAT WOULD YOU SAY?
- CRAP.
- GEE, WHO'DA THUNK IT?
IT TURNS OUT ALIEN SUPERINTELLIGENCE
IS NO MATCH FOR OUR EARTHLY CAN-DO SPUNK.
- AND BEAUTIFUL 20-YEAR-OLD ASTROPHYSICISTS
ARE REALLY LOOKING FOR A NICE MIDDLE-AGED STREET COP
TO FALL IN LOVE WITH.
- YEAH, DIDN'T SEE THAT ONE COMING.
- I WISH I HADN'T SEEN IT AT ALL.
- WELL, IF YOU'D BEEN ON TIME,
WE'D BE DECONSTRUCTING THAT COMEDY FROM CROATIA
INSTEAD OF IT CAME FROM PLANET STUPID.
WHAT WERE YOU DOING THAT WAS SO IMPORTANT, ANYWAY?
- UM...WORKING ON SOMETHING.
- [sarcastically] OH, I'M SATISFIED.
OUT WITH IT, MORGENDORFFER.
- OKAY, I WAS WRITING A SHORT STORY.
- AND THE BIG SECRET IS...
- I'M, UH, THINKING OF SUBMITTING IT SOMEWHERE,
LIKE A PUBLICATION.
- HEY, THAT'S A STEP.
WHEN CAN I READ IT?
- HOW DOES NEXT LEAP YEAR SOUND?
- YOU'RE WILLING TO HAVE IT PUBLISHED AND READ BY STRANGERS,
BUT YOU DON'T WANT YOUR BEST FRIEND TO SEE IT?
- THANK YOU FOR UNDERSTANDING.
- CONGRATULATIONS FOR WATCHING
THE FASHIONVISION HUMANITARIAN AWARDS.
AND REMEMBER, THERE'S NO BETTER FEELING
THAN LOOKING GOOD DOING GOOD.
GOOD NIGHT.
- [sighs]
THOSE MODELS ARE SO UNSELFISH.
- I FEEL HUMBLE.
- I WISH I COULD WIN
A FASHIONVISION HUMANITARIAN AWARD.
- WELL, YOU KNOW, AS A PROMINENT EXTRACURRICULAR ORGANIZATION
AT LAWNDALE HIGH,
THERE'S NO REASON WE COULDN'T LEND OUR NAME
TO A WORTHY CAUSE.
- LIKE THE GIRLS' SOCCER TEAM
AND THEIR ADOPT-A-HIGHWAY SIGN?
- EW.
PICKING UP TRASH ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD?
- UM, QUINN,
I HAVEN'T BEEN CONVICTED OF ANYTHING.
HAVE YOU?
BESIDES, WHY SETTLE FOR A SIGN
WHEN YOU CAN HAVE A PLAQUE?
- WOW, A PLAQUE?
- EXACTLY.
MOUNTED ON SOMETHING APPROPRIATE FOR OUR BEAUTIFICATION IMAGE,
LIKE...A PARK BENCH.
- BUT THEN WOULDN'T PEOPLE
ALWAYS BE PUTTING THEIR BUTTS ON US?
- EW.
- I KNOW; HOW ABOUT A NEW MIRROR
TO REPLACE THAT AWFUL ONE IN THE GIRLS' BATHROOM
THAT ADDS AT LEAST TWO POUNDS.
- I HATE THAT MIRROR.
- IT HAUNTS ME.
- THAT'S A GOOD IDEA, QUINN.
DONATING A MIRROR WILL REFLECT WELL ON US.
REFLECT WELL ON US?
- OH!
[awkward giggling]
- NOW, THAT STAIN TO THE LEFT OF THE BARBIE'S CORVETTE STAIN
LOOKS JUST LIKE ELEANOR ROOSEVELT.
- JUST SAY IT.
YOU READ MY STORY AND HATED IT.
- WHAT?
WHERE'D YOU GET THAT MADCAP IDEA?
- YOUR INCREASINGLY DESPERATE ATTEMPTS
TO AVOID THE TOPIC.
- [sighs] I DIDN'T HATE IT.
IT JUST SEEMED, WELL--
THE PLOT FELT A LITTLE MUDDLED.
- YOU THINK IT SUCKED. JUST ADMIT IT.
- IT HAD TOO MANY STYLES OR SOMETHING; THAT'S ALL.
- IT'S OKAY IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, YOU KNOW.
IN FACT, I DON'T EVEN LIKE IT.
IT STINKS.
- LOOK, WHY DON'T YOU SHOW IT TO SOMEONE ELSE,
SOMEONE WHO APPRECIATES LITERATURE,
SOMEONE NAMED TOM?
- I COULDN'T SHOW IT TO HIM.
IT'S TOO INTIMATE.
- DARIA, IT'S ABOUT A FLESH-EATING VIRUS.
HOW IS THAT INTIMATE?
- YOU'D THINK IT WAS PRETTY INTIMATE
IF IT WERE EATING YOUR FLESH.
[intense dramatic music]
- THIS KING OF THE JUNGLE WAS ONE TUBBY TABBY
TILL THE ANIMAL PLASTIC SURGEON CAME TO CALL.
LIPO FOR LEO NEXT ON SICK, SAD WORLD.
- DAMN IT!
WHY DO THEY HAVE TO MAKE THE EYE OF THE NEEDLE
SO DARN SMALL?
- I GUESS TO PISS OFF THE CAMEL.
- THANKS, KIDDO.
- JUST HAPPY TO FIND SOMETHING I CAN DO, UNLIKE WRITING.
- GOOD FOR YOU.
NOW, WHAT THE HELL DID I DO WITH THAT BUTTON?
HEY, WHO SAYS YOU CAN'T WRITE?
- IT'S NOT IMPORTANT.
FORGET I MENTIONED IT.
I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.
IT'S TRUE, ISN'T IT?
- I BET IT WAS SOME BUSYBODY TEACHER
LIKE CORPORAL ELLENBOGEN.
GUY CAN DIG A FOXHOLE.
THAT MAKES HIM AN EXPERT ON SHOW TUNES?
I DON'T THINK SO, DAMN IT!
- UM, DAD, ARE YOU GETTING YOUR MILITARY SCHOOL BOYHOOD
MIXED UP WITH A PAST LIFE IN VAUDEVILLE?
- ELLENBOGEN TOLD ME
THE SONG I WROTE FOR THE SCHOOL MUSICAL STANK, DAMN IT!
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
IT WAS A DARN GOOD SONG.
I SHOULD HAVE SUNG IT FOR SOMEONE WHO DIDN'T THINK
MUSICAL COMEDY BEGAN AND ENDED WITH GILBERT AND SULLIVAN.
OH, PLEASE!
- ALL RIGHT, NOW THAT WE'VE AGREED
TO DONATE A NEW GIRLS' ROOM MIRROR,
THE NEXT ORDER OF BUSINESS
IS TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO PAY FOR IT.
- OH, YEAH.
- WE COULD HOLD A YARD SALE.
- STACY, ARE YOU SUGGESTING
WE SIT BEHIND A CARD TABLE AND HAGGLE?
- OH, GOD, WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?
- WHY DON'T WE DO WHAT WE DO BEST?
- QUINN, NO ONE IS GOING TO PAY US TO EAT CARROT STICKS.
- I MEAN, TELL PEOPLE WHAT'S WRONG WITH THEIR OUTFITS.
- BUT WE DO THAT ALL DAY FOR FREE.
THAT'S WHY EVERYONE LIKES US.
- WELL, WE COULD PUT IT DOWN ON PAPER,
SELL OUR OWN NEWSLETTER
OFFERING ADVICE TO FASHION VICTIMS.
AND WE COULD PREDICT FASHION TRENDS.
PEOPLE WILL SAVE MONEY WITH OUR NEWSLETTER
BY NOT BUYING THINGS IN THE WRONG FABRIC OR BELT WIDTH.
- A COMMENDABLE IDEA.
ALL IN FAVOR?
THEN I GUESS WE SHOULD DECIDE WHICH TOPICS TO COVER.
- BOY, THIS VOLUNTEERING IS GONNA BE A LOT OF WORK.
- I KNOW.
SOMEONE SHOULD REALLY PAY US FOR IT.
- IF IT WEREN'T FOR ELLENBOGEN,
I MIGHT BE A BROADWAY LYRICIST.
I COULD WRITE SONGS FOR CATS.
I COULD WRITE SONGS FOR DOGS!
MY NAME IN LIGHTS WOULD HAVE BEEN FANTASTIC.
- JAKE. - ELLENBOGEN!
- JAKE! - HUH?
- WHERE ARE THE GIRLS?
- UH, QUINN'S, UM...SOMEWHERE.
AND DARIA'S UP IN HER ROOM WITH, UM...TOM.
- JAKE, HOW LONG HAVE THEY BEEN UP THERE?
- DID I EVER TELL YOU ABOUT THE SONG
I WROTE IN MILITARY SCHOOL, CADET GUYS, HO?
- IF I SAY I DON'T WANT THEM IN THERE ALONE,
I MIGHT GIVE THEM IDEAS.
I KNOW.
SNACKS.
- I'D LIKE TO THANK MY FAMILY, MY FRIENDS,
AND NOT THAT DAMN CORPORAL ELLENBOGEN
OR GILBERT OR SULLIVAN!
- I'M SO GLAD YOU ASKED ME TO READ THIS.
- YOU ARE?
- YEAH, IT'S GREAT.
- IT'S NOT MUDDLED?
- NO, IT'S VARIED.
IT CHANGES VOICES.
IT CHALLENGES THE READER.
DARIA, I'M SERIOUS.
THIS IS REALLY GOOD.
- OH, TOM!
I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE HERE.
ARE YOU TWO HUNGRY?
I COULD GET YOU SOME CHACKERS AND CREESE--
UM, CRACKERS AND CHEESE AND CRACKERS.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
- YOU KNOW, I READ THIS STORY
MY ENGLISH TEACHER SENT TO MUSINGS MAGAZINE,
AND THIS IS MUCH BETTER.
WHY DON'T YOU SUBMIT IT TO THEM?
- THE REJECTION, INDIGNATION, AND LASTING HUMILIATION.
- HOW ABOUT THE SUCCESS, STARDOM,
AND EVENTUAL ALCOHOLISM?
- I ACTUALLY DID THINK OF SUBMITTING IT SOMEWHERE,
BUT IT FEELS TOO...
TOO MUCH LIKE TRYING.
- I'LL NEVER TELL YOU DISPLAYED MOTIVATION.
- I'M JUST NOT SURE IT'S GOOD ENOUGH.
- WHY DON'T YOU LET THE MAGAZINE DECIDE?
NO ONE HAS TO KNOW.
- HELLO, DARIA.
- OH, HI, MR. O'NEILL.
- MUSINGS MAGAZINE?
DARIA, ARE YOU SUBMITTING A STORY?
THAT'S WONDERFUL!
- UM, I'D APPRECIATE IT
IF YOU DIDN'T TELL ANYONE ABOUT THIS.
- OH, OF COURSE.
IT'LL BE OUR LITTLE SECRET,
A NEW AND DEEPER LEVEL TO OUR TEACHER-STUDENT RELATIONSHIP,
SOMETHING UNIQUE AND MEANINGFUL
BETWEEN A GIFTED WRITER AND, WELL...HER MENTOR?
- SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
- I'M HONORED!
IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE YOU'D LIKE TO TELL ME?
- UH, YOUR SHOELACE IS UNTIED.
- PURPLE-BASED LIPSTICKS WILL BE IN,
SO PEACH-BASED BLUSHES WILL BE OUT,
BECAUSE OTHERWISE, YOUR CHEEKBONES
WON'T MATCH YOUR LIP LINER, AND WHO NEEDS THAT?
SMILEY FACE. SURPRISED FACE.
WINK.
- HOLD THE TWEEZER IN YOUR RIGHT HAND,
OR IN YOUR LEFT HAND IF YOU'RE LEFT-HANDED.
SQUEEZE THE EYEBROW HAIR AND PULL.
THERE IS PAIN INVOLVED.
- LONG SKIRTS WILL BE BACK, ALTHOUGH NOT TOO LONG,
MAYBE ON THE SHORTER SIDE OF LONG.
BUT DON'T BE MAD IF IT TURNS OUT
THAT THE LONGER LONGER ONES
ARE MORE IN THAN THE SHORTER LONGER ONES.
- LIKE A FINE WINE, IF WINES WERE COLORS,
AUBERGINE IS DARK, TASTEFUL, AND GOES WELL WITH FISH.
I PREDICT IT WILL BE THE BREAKOUT COLOR
FOR NEXT SEASON.
[applause]
FELLOW PUNDITS,
IT'S TIME TO GO TO PRESS.
FRIENDS AND FOLLOWERS,
AS PRESIDENT OF THE FASHION CLUB,
I AM PROUD TO ANNOUNCE
THE FIRST ISSUE OF OUR CUTTING-EDGE PUBLICATION
PREDICTING UPCOMING TRENDS IN PERSONAL DEPORTMENT
WHILE PROVIDING UNDERWRITING TO A DESERVING CAUSE.
- UH, WHAT ARE YOU SELLING?
- PERHAPS I DIDN'T MAKE MYSELF CLEAR.
OUR NEWSLETTER IS DEDICATED TO THE ART OF LOOKING GOOD,
OR AT LEAST BETTER THAN THOSE AROUND YOU.
- A FASHION MAGAZINE?
UH, NO THANKS.
- WILL YOU BUY ONE FROM ME?
- SURE, I'LL TAKE ONE!
- I'LL TAKE TWO!
- MAKE IT THREE! NO, FIVE!
- "AN ODE TO AUBERGINE"?
- "GOOD PLUCK"?
- "PLEASE REMEMBER TO BLUSH"?
- THERE MUST BE A LOT GOING ON IN THE BOYS' ROOM
WE DON'T KNOW ABOUT.
- AND REALLY, ISN'T THAT AS IT SHOULD BE?
- HEY, MAYBE QUINN SHOULD PUBLISH YOUR STORY.
- NAH, IT'S FULL OF SENTENCES THAT DON'T BEGIN WITH "I."
BESIDES, I, UM,
ALREADY SUBMITTED IT TO A MAGAZINE, TOM'S IDEA.
- TOM LIKED YOUR STORY? THAT'S GREAT!
SEE? WHAT DO I KNOW ABOUT LITERATURE?
- WHAT DOES HE?
- WAS I BEING ENTHUSIASTIC AGAIN?
I'M SORRY.
- YOU DIDN'T MEAN ANYTHING BY IT.
- ALTHOUGH THE GREAT GREEK DRAMATIST AESCHYLUS
WROTE A STAGGERING 80 PLAYS,
ONLY 7 OF THEM ARE AVAILABLE TO US.
DOES ANYONE KNOW WHY?
- THE REST ARE STILL IN GREECE?
- UH...HEH.
ANYONE ELSE? DARIA?
- THE REMAINING PLAYS WERE DESTROYED.
- THAT'S RIGHT.
ALL OF THEM, GONE.
CAN YOU IMAGINE AESCHYLUS' FEELINGS?
- HECK, I BET HE'S NOT EVEN THINKING ABOUT IT.
- DARIA, HOW WOULD YOU FEEL
IF THE STORY YOU WROTE WERE LOST TO MANKIND FOREVER,
IF EVERY LAST COPY OF MUSINGS MAGAZINE
WERE SOMEHOW SET AFLAME?
- WOW, YOU'VE BEEN PUBLISHED IN MUSINGS?
- I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.
I WROTE TO THE EMBARRASSING MOMENTS COLUMN
IN TEENBAG MAGAZINE
ABOUT KEVIN'S GASEOUS PROBLEM WHEN WE'RE MAKING OUT,
AND I NEVER HEARD BACK FROM THEM.
- BA-ABE!
- KEVY, IT'S OKAY.
THE IMPORTANT THING IS THAT I TRIED.
- [groans]
- UM... [chuckles]
DARIA, WHAT WERE YOU SAYING?
- NEVER MIND.
I THINK YOU'VE SAID IT ALL.
- EXCUSE ME?
OH. OH, DEAR.
UM...SORRY.
- HE MEANT WELL,
FOR A TEACHER WHO DOES NOTHING WELL.
- I'M REMINDED OF MY FATHER.
- WHAT? WHY?
- BECAUSE I CAN'T GET THE PHRASE
"DAMN IDIOT TEACHERS WITH THEIR DAMN IDIOT BRAINS"
OUT OF MY HEAD.
- HEY, DARIA, CONGRATULATIONS.
A PUBLISHED STORY?
THAT'S AMAZING.
- UM, IT'S NOT EXACTLY PUBLISHED.
I SENT IT IN, BUT I HAVEN'T HEARD BACK.
- THEN WHY ARE YOU TELLING EVERYONE IT'S BEEN PUBLISHED?
- OH, YOU KNOW DARIA AND HER COMPULSIVE NEED TO IMPRESS.
- OH, BUT THEN INSTEAD OF MAKING UP STUFF ABOUT WRITING,
SHOULDN'T YOU PICK SOMETHING GOOD?
- HOW'S THIS?
DURING THE DAY, I'M A MILD-MANNERED STUDENT,
BUT AT NIGHT, I FIGHT CRIME IN A STRETCHY, STRETCHY COSTUME.
- COOL!
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT!
- SHE DOESN'T REALLY.
- BUT SHE JUST SAID--
- KEVY, YOU'RE SO GULLIBLE.
- YOU KNOW, MY MOTHER GETS MUSINGS,
AND THEIR FICTION IS AWFUL.
I BET YOU'LL HAVE NO TROUBLE GETTING IN.
- GEE, THANKS.
- THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT.
- [sighs] I KNOW, THANKS.
- GOOD LUCK.
- DARIA, IN THE NAME OF JANE AUSTEN,
EMILY DICKINSON, ANNE BRONTE,
EMILY BRONTE, AND CHARLOTTE BRONTE,
I WANT TO SAY, "YOU GO, GIRL."
- THAT'S JUST HOW THEY WOULD HAVE PUT IT.
- WHO TOLD YOU?
- ER, UH, UM...NOBODY.
IT CERTAINLY DIDN'T COME UP
DURING ANYTHING OTHER THAN NORMAL IN-SCHOOL CHITCHAT
AMONG COLLEAGUES,
FULLY DRESSED, WITH NO OILS INVOLVED.
- EVER HAVE ONE OF THOSE MOMENTS THAT NO SHOWER,
NO MATTER THE DURATION NOR THE TEMPERATURE,
CAN EVER ERASE?
- I'M LEANING TOWARD TRAUMA-INDUCED AMNESIA MYSELF.
PUNCH MY HEAD, WOULD YA?
- DARIA, GUESS WHAT!
I FOUND MY OLD SONG LYRICS!
HERE, I'LL SING THEM FOR YOU.
GET READY TO HEAR SOME DOPE BEATS.
[electronic dance music]
- OW!
- HEY!
♪ WE'RE THE GUYS THEY CALL CADETS ♪
♪ WE'RE HERE TO SERVE OUR ♪
♪ NA...TION... ♪
DARIA?
- I CAN'T BELIEVE ALL OUR NEWSLETTER PREDICTIONS
WERE WRONG!
HEMS HIKE UP.
HEELS FALL DOWN.
TWEEZING ISN'T PLEASING. - [gasps]
- AND DARK COLORS LIKE AUBERGINE ARE OVER.
- WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT THAT BRIGHTLY COMIC TONES
LIKE PEACH AND LEMON WOULD SUDDENLY COME INTO VOGUE?
I NEED TO BE ALONE.
- THIS IS SO SAD.
- WHY DOES EVERYTHING ALWAYS HAPPEN TO US?
[girls crying]
- LET ME GUESS.
THE WIDE WORLD OF WOOL WAS PREEMPTED
FOR AN EMERGENCY STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS.
- EVEN WORSE.
WAIF'S "WHAT'S HOT AND WHAT'S ROT" ISSUE JUST CAME,
AND WHAT WE THOUGHT WAS OUT AND IN IS NOT AND NOT,
AND NOW OUR CAREERS AS FASHION PROGNOSTICATORS ARE OVER.
- I'LL GO LOWER THE FLAG TO HALF-MAST.
"THANK YOU FOR GIVING US THE OPPORTUNITY
TO READ YOUR WORK."
I'VE BEEN REJECTED.
[doorbell dings]
- DARIA! COME IN.
IS EVERYTHING OKAY?
- NO, EVERYTHING'S NOT OKAY.
MUSINGS REJECTED MY STORY.
- REALLY? I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
- DON'T WORRY. YOU'LL GET OVER IT.
I KNEW IT WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH TO BE PUBLISHED.
- OKAY, SO MAYBE IT WAS THE WRONG PLACE
OR JUST A BAD EDITOR.
THERE ARE LOTS OF MAGAZINES OUT THERE.
SEND IT SOMEWHERE ELSE.
- IT'S NOT ENOUGH TO GET REJECTED ONCE.
YOU WANT ME TO GET REJECTED DOZENS OF TIMES?
- COME ON. IT HAPPENS TO EVERYONE.
ONE TRY AND YOU GIVE UP?
- UNCLE.
- DARIA, YOU'RE NOT LISTENING TO WHAT I'M SAYING.
- HEY, I LISTENED WHEN YOU TOLD ME TO SEND IT IN,
AND LOOK WHAT HAPPENED.
NOW YOU WANT ME TO KEEP SUBMITTING IT
SO I CAN LIVE IN A STATE OF PERPETUAL MISERY?
GOD, YOU'RE INSENSITIVE.
- NO, I'M SUPPORTIVE,
BUT YOU'RE TOO THICK-HEADED TO NOTICE.
I LIKED THAT STORY.
I THOUGHT IT WAS SMART, FUNNY, AND INSIGHTFUL--
NONE OF WHICH I CAN SAY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW.
- GEE, THANKS. SEE YA.
- WHY DON'T YOU JUST GROW UP?
OR NOT?
- ATTENTION.
DUE TO A SENSELESS ACT OF SABOTAGE
CURRENTLY UNDER INVESTIGATION BY INVESTIGATORS,
THE ARTICLES IN OUR NEWSLETTER
WERE ALTERED PRIOR TO PUBLICATION
AND WITHOUT OUR KNOWLEDGE.
WE ARE THEREFORE RECTIFYING THE SITUATION
BY ISSUING REFUNDS.
- THERE YOU GO. THERE'S MY PAPER.
- SO, EVERYONE, JUST IGNORE EVERYTHING YOU READ.
- YOU DIDN'T READ IT AT ALL, DID YOU?
- BEING AN AUTHOR SUCKS.
- WANT US TO READ IT NOW?
[together] NO.
- THESE DUMPSTERS ARE GROSS.
- WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS STUFF IS THAT LOOKS LIKE VOMIT?
- STACY! - SORRY.
- I GUESS WE AREN'T GONNA MAKE OUR FUNDRAISING GOAL.
- IT'S JUST SO UNFAIR
THAT YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING TO GET A PLAQUE.
- HMM...
- DARIA!
- [sighs]
- THERE YOU ARE.
I'VE BEEN WAITING ALL DAY TO SING YOU THIS SONG.
- UM...OKAY.
- ♪ HEY, WE'RE THE GUYS THEY CALL CADETS ♪
♪ WE'RE HERE TO SERVE OUR NATION ♪
♪ FIGHTING STINKING FOREIGNERS ♪
♪ RIGHT AFTER GRADUATION ♪
♪ WE HAVE LEARNED TO MAKE OUR BEDS ♪
♪ SHINE OUR BOOTS ALL GLEAMY ♪
♪ WHEN WE PUT ON OUR DRESS BLUES ♪
♪ WE REALLY LOOK QUITE DREAMY ♪
CORPORAL ELLENBOGEN WAS RIGHT.
- UM... THE TUNE IS CATCHY.
- IT SUCKS.
DAMN DRUM MACHINE!
DAH!
I'M A FAILURE.
- DAD, YOU MADE UP ONE SONG WHEN YOU WERE A TEENAGER,
AND IT'S NOT THE BEST THING EVER WRITTEN,
AND THAT MAKES YOU A FAILURE?
- WELL, THAT'S ONE OF THE THINGS.
- SO YOUR REACH EXCEEDED YOUR GRASP.
I'D RATHER HAVE THAT HAPPEN TO ME THAN THE OPPOSITE.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
- YOU KNOW WHAT GOOD IS.
THAT'S HOW YOU KNOW YOU DIDN'T ACHIEVE IT.
THAT'S A LOT BETTER THAN IF YOU WERE PUTTING OUT CRAP
AND THINKING IT WAS GREAT.
- IT IS?
- YOU CAME UP SHORT BECAUSE YOU WERE AIMING HIGH.
- YOU'RE RIGHT, DARIA.
I DID!
I WENT OUT ON A LIMB AND TOOK A CHANCE.
THAT TOOK GUTS, DIDN'T IT?
- UM, YES, YES, IT DID.
- DAMN RIGHT, KIDDO!
♪ GUTSY JAKEY WENT TO TOWN ♪
♪ RIDING IN A LEXUS ♪
♪ MISSED HIS STAR BUT DID AIM FAR ♪
UM...
- WHO CARES WHAT JERK REJECTS US?
- ♪ WHO CARES WHAT JERK REJECTS US? ♪
YEAH!
- AND SO AS PART OF OUR CONTINUING EFFORT
TO IMPROVE THE QUALITY OF LIFE
FOR THE STUDENTS OF LAWNDALE HIGH,
THE FASHION CLUB IS PLEASED TO PRESENT THIS PLAQUE
COMMEMORATING THIS PLAQUE,
BECAUSE, AS MY GRANDMOTHER SAYS
WHENEVER SHE TRIES TO GIVE ME SOME HORRIBLE PEASANT BLOUSE
FROM, LIKE, THE HAIGHT-ASHTRAY PERIOD OF AMERICAN HISTORY,
IT'S THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS.
- OH, SANDY, THAT WAS GREAT.
- REALLY MOVING.
- UM, DOES THE RED LIGHT THINGY HAVE TO BE ON TO RECORD?
[phone ringing]
- HELLO?
- UM, HI.
I'M COOKING UP A DELICIOUS, JUICY CROW TONIGHT
AND THOUGHT YOU MIGHT LIKE TO COME OVER FOR A DRUMSTICK.
- OH, I'M NOT HUNGRY.
BUT I'LL WATCH YOU EAT.
[sniffs]
MMM.
THAT CROW SMELLS GOOD.
- WELL, WE BOTH KNOW WHY I ASKED YOU HERE.
- NOT ME, NO IDEA, NONE WHATSOEVER.
- FINE, I DESERVE THAT.
LOOK, I'M SORRY.
YOU WERE BEING SUPPORTIVE.
I WAS THE ONE ACTING LIKE... YOU KNOW.
- YOU CAN DO IT. RHYMES WITH "CLERK."
- SHUT UP.
SO... FORGIVENESS AND WHATNOT?
- EH, YOU'VE SUFFERED ENOUGH, FOR TODAY.
- TOM, DARIA,
CAN I GET YOU ANYTHING?
- I'LL HAVE A BIG GLASS OF HUMAN GROWTH HORMONE.
- COMING RIGHT UP.
I MEAN, I'LL BE BACK WITH SOME SNACKS.
- BETTER TALK FAST.
SHE'S BEEN DOING SPEED DRILLS.
- SO YOU'RE OVER THE REJECTION LETTER?
- WHAT LETTER? OH, WAIT.
YOU MEAN THE ONE THAT SAID,
"DEAR, MS. MORGENDORFFER,
"THANK YOU FOR GIVING US
"THE OPPORTUNITY TO READ YOUR WORK.
"IT'S NOT RIGHT FOR US AT THIS TIME,
BUT PLEASE KEEP US IN MIND FOR FUTURE SUBMISSIONS"?
GEE, I'D ALMOST FORGOTTEN.
- DARIA, WE'RE OUT OF CHEESE.
WOULD YOU LIKE PRETZELS?
- THAT'S WHAT IT SAID?
TO SUBMIT AGAIN?
- YEAH. DON'T THEY ALWAYS SAY THAT?
- NO, DARIA, THAT'S GREAT.
MY TEACHER GOT A ONE-LINE NOTE:
"MUSINGS REGRETS THAT YOUR MATERIAL IS UNSUITABLE."
- REALLY?
- HOW ABOUT SOME PINEAPPLE CHUNKS?
IN THEIR OWN JUICE OR HEAVY SYRUP, YOU DECIDE.
- EDITORS NEVER ENCOURAGE PEOPLE
UNLESS THEY THINK THEY REALLY HAVE SOMETHING,
AND THAT'S NOT OFTEN.
- WELL, LET'S SEE IF I'VE GOT THIS STRAIGHT.
THE EDITORS DIDN'T LIKE MY STORY.
THEY DON'T WANT TO PUBLISH IT.
BUT THEY DO LOOK FORWARD TO REJECTING ME IN THE FUTURE,
AND THAT'S GOOD.
- CONGRATULATIONS.
- IT'S GREAT TO BE A WRITER.
- AND SUCH A CHEERFUL WRITER.
- RICE CAKES-- OH, GOD, NO!
- YOU THINK HELEN WILL EVER RECOVER
FROM THE TELLTALE SMOOCH?
- ALL WE CAN DO FOR HER NOW
IS BE THERE WHEN SHE'S READY TO TALK.
- HOW'S THAT COMING, BY THE WAY?
- GOOD, REALLY GOOD.
[machine gun blasting]
BUT I GUESS I'LL GET BACK TO MY WRITING.
- ♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
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♪ LA, LA, LA ♪