- ♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
- SO THIS NEW FASHIONVISION SERIES,
BEHIND THE UNTOLD STORY OF THE SUPERMODELS,
REVEALS WHAT THE SUPERMODELS' LIVES WERE LIKE
WHEN THEY WERE JUST PLAIN MODELS.
- THAI PEANUT SAUCE A LA JAKE IS COMPLETE-O.
WHO WANTS THE FIRST BITE?
- YOU PICK, MOM.
IT'LL BE LIKE SOPHIE'S CHOICE.
- THIS IS A WHOLE DIFFERENT RECIPE
FROM THE LAST BATCH.
- I HOPE SO.
IT TOOK THREE DAYS TO GET THE SMELL OUT OF THE HOUSE.
- EXPERIMENT WITH A LITTLE WASABI,
AND THE WHOLE WORLD'S A CRITIC.
DAMN IT, HELEN, YOU CAN'T MAKE AN OMELET
WITHOUT BREAKING A FEW EGGS.
- CAN I HAVE AN OMELET? - NO.
- HOW ABOUT SOME EGGS TO BREAK?
- ANYWAY, THEY WERE JUST ABOUT TO SHOW
VERONIQUE'S MAKEUP BAG FROM HIGH SCHOOL
WHEN THE DELIVERY GUY RANG THE DOORBELL
WITH DARIA'S PACKAGE.
WHAT IS WITH THOSE BROWN UNIFORMS?
- UM, THIS PACKAGE, DID IT RUN AWAY BY ITSELF
OR HOP A LONESOME FREIGHT TRAIN WEST?
- IT'S IN THE LIVING ROOM SOMEWHERE.
NOW I'M NEVER GOING TO FIND OUT WHAT WAS IN THAT MAKEUP BAG.
- COME ON.
WHY ISN'T ANYONE DIGGING IN?
IT'S MMM-MMM GOOD.
[gagging]
- EWW! DAD'S SICK.
- [sighs]
I'LL HEAT UP SOME LASAGNA WHILE YOU THROW THAT OUT.
- DAMN FOREIGN LANGUAGE COOKBOOKS.
- AND NOT IN THE SINK.
I DON'T WANT IT EATING THROUGH THE PIPES.
- I WORK ALL DAY, AND I COME HOME...
- WHAT IS THAT?
- MY PEOPLE CALL THEM BOOKS.
HUH, A FIRST EDITION.
TOM MUST HAVE FOUND IT ON THE WEB.
- OH, HOW SWEET.
- HE BOUGHT YOU A USED BOOK?
WHAT KIND OF BOYFRIEND IS HE?
- A BOYFRIEND WHO CARES ENOUGH
TO KNOW WHAT'S IMPORTANT TO DARIA.
- NOW I'M SICK.
- WELL, LOTS OF GUYS CARE ABOUT ME.
I DON'T KNOW WHY ANYONE WOULD SETTLE FOR JUST ONE.
- QUINN, IT'S A SPECIAL THING TO FIND SOMEONE SO COMPATIBLE
YOU WANT TO SEE THEM EXCLUSIVELY.
HAVING A STEADY BOYFRIEND TAKES MATURITY AND PERSPECTIVE.
- I'M MATURE.
- AND YOU HAVE THE TEDDY BEAR EARRINGS TO PROVE IT.
- YOU KNOW, DARIA, DAD AND I HAVEN'T HAD A CHANCE
TO REALLY GET TO KNOW TOM.
WHY DON'T YOU INVITE HIM OVER FOR DINNER?
- BECAUSE I HAVEN'T TAKEN COMPLETE LEAVE OF MY SENSES.
- CAN I BRING A BOYFRIEND TOO?
- IF AND WHEN YOU GET A STEADY BOYFRIEND, QUINN,
WE'D LOVE TO HIM FOR DINNER.
- DO WE HAVE TO DIP HIM IN THAT PEANUT SAUCE
BEFORE WE EAT HIM?
- HEY.
- WHAT NIGHT IS GOOD FOR TOM TO COME OVER?
- HMM.
ANYTIME AFTER ARMAGEDDON IS FINE.
- I SLAVE OVER A HOT STOVE ALL DAY, AND FOR WHAT?
- IT'S TO KEEP HIM OFF THE STREETS, RIGHT?
- MAYBE IF I USE LESS CHILI OIL.
HEY!
DAMN SKATE PUNKS ARE TEARING UP THE STREETS.
TODAY IT'S TRASH CANS, TOMORROW MAILBOXES,
AND THEN...
YOU WON'T GET MY SHRUBS!
DO YOU HEAR ME?
YOU WON'T GET MY SHRUBS!
- SO YOUR MOTHER ACTUALLY GOT AROUND
TO INVITING TOM OVER FOR DINNER.
- I KNOW. SOME WORKAHOLIC.
- RELAX.
GET YOUR FATHER STARTED ON MILITARY SCHOOL,
AND THE EVENING WILL BE OVER BEFORE IT BEGINS.
- THAT'S WHAT I'M AFRAID OF.
- WHAT? THAT HE'LL EMBARRASS YOU?
THAT'S WHAT PARENTS ARE FOR.
- IT'S MORE THAT HE'LL PROVIDE TOM
WITH A FESTIVE NIGHT OF SUBTLE MOCKERY.
MY DAD DESERVES BETTER THAN THAT--SORT OF.
- WELL, I DON'T THINK YOU'RE GIVING TOM ENOUGH CREDIT.
HE NEVER ONCE SAID AN UNKIND WORD TO MY PARENTS.
- HE NEVER MET YOUR PARENTS.
- OH, YEAH.
I DON'T SUPPOSE YOU CAN GET YOUR FATHER
TO GO OFF TO GREECE FOR SIX MONTHS
TO SKETCH THE SUNSET.
- MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.
MAYBE DAD'LL BE RELATIVELY CALM AND TOM WILL BITE HIS TONGUE
AND A GOOD TIME WILL BE HAD BY ALL.
- YOU'RE GONNA FORGET TO TELL TOM ABOUT THIS
AND HOPE THE WHOLE THING GOES AWAY.
- I'VE ALREADY FORGOTTEN.
- QUINN HAS REQUESTED THIS EMERGENCY MEETING
OF THE FASHION CLUB TO MAKE A VERY IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT.
- I KNEW CAMOUFLAGE WOULD COME BACK.
I KNEW IT!
- IT'S NOT CAMOUFLAGE, STACY.
I'VE, UM, DECIDED TO GET A STEADY BOYFRIEND.
- QUINN, IF THIS IS YOUR IDEA OF A JOKE,
PERHAPS YOU SHOULD LOOK UP THE WORD "HUH"
IN THE DICTIONARY.
- SANDI, I'M SERIOUS.
IT'S A SPECIAL THING TO FIND SOMEONE SO EXCLUSIVE
YOU WANT TO SEE THEM COMPATIBLY.
- YOU MEAN YOU'RE ONLY GONNA DATE ONE GUY FROM NOW ON
AND NOT ANY OTHER GUYS?
- BUT, QUINN, THINK OF WHAT YOU'LL BE MISSING,
ALL THE GIFTS AND CASH PRIZES.
- ON SECOND THOUGHT, I THINK IT'S AN EXCELLENT IDEA.
- UM, ME TOO. - GREAT IDEA.
- WHO'S THE LUCKY GUY?
- GEE, I HAVEN'T THOUGHT ABOUT THAT.
- WELL, THIS IS A VERY IMPORTANT DECISION, QUINN,
NOT ONE TO BE TAKEN LIGHTLY.
HOW ABOUT CRAIG?
HIS PARENTS PUT IN A POOL.
- BUT HE JUST GOT THAT BAD HAIRCUT.
EWW.
- OH, RIGHT.
HMM.
MARK WOULD LOOK REALLY GOOD WITH YOU.
- BUT HE'S COLOR-BLIND.
HE COULD PICK OUT THE WRONG SCARF FOR ME
OR SOMETHING.
- I KNOW.
LET'S MAKE A LIST OF QUALIFICATIONS,
YOU KNOW, LIKE HE HAS TO BE
AT LEAST 3 INCHES TALLER THAN YOU
AND DRIVE A CAR WITH A LEATHER INTERIOR.
- NO MOLES.
- THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.
YOU GUYS ARE SO CARING.
- THAT'S OUR JOB, QUINN, TO CARE.
AND YOUR JOB IS TO PICK A BOYFRIEND BEFORE THE WEEKEND
SO WE CAN CONFIRM OUR SCHEDULES.
- UH, I GUESS I'D BETTER GET TO WORK.
- GEE, MAYBE WE SHOULD ALL GET BOYFRIENDS.
- WHY WOULD WE DO THAT?
WITH QUINN GONE, THERE WILL BE MORE GUYS
FOR THE REST OF US.
- SANDI HELPED ME BREAK MY LIST INTO THREE CATEGORIES:
LOOKS, POPULARITY,
AND HOW WELL HIS HAIR MATCHES MY CLOTHES.
- YOU KNOW, QUINN, LOOKS AND POPULARITY
AREN'T REALLY WHAT'S IMPORTANT IN A RELATIONSHIP.
- THEN WHAT IS?
- THE ABILITY TO FIX MAJOR APPLIANCES.
- HMM, YES. I CAN SEE THAT.
- WHAT'S REALLY IMPORTANT IS THAT YOU FIND
SOMEONE YOU ENJOY BEING WITH.
- YOU MEAN LIKE HOW I ENJOYED KYLE
TAKING ME TO LE EATS LAST NIGHT?
- I MEAN SOMEONE YOU CAN GET ALONG WITH
FOR MORE THAN ONE EVENING,
WHO CAN SHARE YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS,
YOUR TRIUMPHS AND DISAPPOINTMENTS,
SOMEONE YOU LOOK FORWARD TO SEEING DAY AFTER DAY,
WEEK AFTER WEEK, MONTH AFTER MONTH,
YEAR AFTER YEAR,
THE SAME OLD COMPLAINTS ABOUT HIS UNCARING FATHER.
GOD, IS HE EVER GOING TO GET OVER IT?
- M-UH-OM!
THAT'S SO BORING.
- UM, NOT AT ALL.
THAT'S COMPATIBILITY.
- I THINK I'LL FINISH THIS UPSTAIRS.
MOVING ON TO COMPATIBILITY.
WHAT COLOR OF JACKET WOULD YOU WEAR
TO MATCH MY MAUVE SANDALS?
- UM, LEATHER?
- CAN YOU FIX MAJOR APPLIANCES?
- I SET THE CLOCK ON MY VCR ONCE.
- IF I WAS STRANDED ON A DESERTED ISLAND,
WHAT IS THE ONE ITEM YOU'D BRING ME?
- A BOAT...
WITH FLARES AND LIFEBOATS AND THE COAST GUARD AND--
AND THE NAVY.
- WRONG, WRONG, WRONG.
THE CORRECT ANSWER IS SUNSCREEN.
- WOW, TEN INTERVIEWS IN TEN MINUTES.
SHE REALLY SHOULD CONSIDER A CAREER
IN BROADCAST JOURNALISM.
- TONIGHT ON 60 SECONDS...
- DAMN YOU, KIDS!
I'M GOING TO SET UP ONE OF THOSE HIDDEN SURVEILLANCE CAMERAS!
I PROBABLY SHOULDN'T HAVE YELLED THAT LAST PART OUT.
- [chittering] - YAAH!
YOU'RE NO KID, DAMN IT!
- ANDY HAS THE BEST SHOULDERS, BUT PETER HAS A BETTER JAWLINE.
- YEAH, I AGREE.
- QUINN, THE WEEKEND IS ALMOST UPON US,
AND YOU HAVE YET TO CHOOSE YOUR BOYFRIEND.
- SANDI, I KNOW.
I'M TRYING AS HARD AS I CAN, BUT I JUST CAN'T DECIDE,
BECAUSE WHAT IF THE ONE I THINK IS THE RIGHT ONE
TURNS OUT TO BE THE WRONG ONE
AND THE WRONG ONE IS THE RIGHT ONE
OR ONE OF THE RIGHT ONES?
- THIS IS THE HARDEST
AND MOST IMPORTANT DECISION YOU'LL EVER HAVE TO MAKE.
- I KNOW.
STACY, DO YOU STILL HAVE THAT MAGIC 8-BALL?
- HEY, QUINN, DID YOU PICK A BOYFRIEND YET?
- IS IT ONE OF US?
- LIKE, FOR INSTANCE, ME?
- WELL, UH...
- COME ON, QUINN.
DON'T KEEP YOUR FUTURE BOYFRIEND WAITING.
- OKAY, OKAY.
I'VE DECIDED THAT MY BOYFRIEND WILL BE...
EENIE, MEENIE, MINEY, MOE, CATCH A BOYFRIEND BY THE TOE.
MY MOTHER SAID TO PICK THIS ONE.
JAMIE.
- ALL RIGHT.
- [groans] - [groans]
- HEY, GUYS.
- QUINN.
QUINN, THERE GOES YOUR BOYFRIEND.
- SO?
- SO HE'S YOUR BOYFRIEND.
RUN TO HIM, QUINN.
- OH, YEAH.
HEY! JAMIE, YOU IDIOT!
- OKAY, LET'S DIVIDE UP ALL OF THE GUYS AT SCHOOL.
I'VE DEVISED A DRAFT SYSTEM
SIMILAR TO THAT USED BY THE WNBA.
[alternative music]
♪ ♪
- DARIA, LET'S PICK A NIGHT FOR TOM TO COME OVER.
HOW'S FRIDAY?
- SORRY. NO GOOD.
IT'S THE DAY AFTER THURSDAY.
- WELL, HOW ABOUT SATURDAY, THEN?
- I'LL BE GEARING UP FOR SUNDAY.
- DARIA, IS THERE SOME REASON
YOU DON'T WANT TO INVITE TOM OVER?
- DAMN SQUIRRELS ARE NOTHING BUT RATS WITH FLUFFY TAILS!
WELL, TO CATCH A RAT, YOU GOT TO THINK LIKE A RAT.
WHERE'S THE CHEESE?
- MOM, DAD, IT'S OFFICIAL.
JAMIE IS MY NEW BOYFRIEND.
THEREFORE, I WILL NO LONGER BE ACCEPTING
UNSOLICITED CALLS FROM OTHER BOYS.
- GIVE ME CHEESE. I WANT CHEESE.
- UM, DAD, WHAT ABOUT YOUR HEART AND WHATNOT?
- I DON'T HAVE A HEART.
I'M A FLUFFY RAT.
[laughs]
- DARIA...
[cell phone rings]
HELLO.
REALLY?
SUING UNICEF?
ERIC, IS THAT A GOOD MOVE, PUBLIC RELATIONS-WISE?
WELL, YES, IT IS A LOT OF PENNIES.
- IT WAS A VERY DIFFICULT DECISION,
I MEAN, PICKING JAMIE FOR MY BOYFRIEND.
MUCH CONTEMPLATION WAS INVOLVED.
- IF HE'S YOUR BOYFRIEND, HOW COME YOU'RE NOT WITH HIM?
YOU SHOULD BE TOGETHER ALL THE TIME.
THAT'S WHAT GIRLFRIENDS DO, YOU KNOW.
- WHAT? YOU'RE NOT ALWAYS WITH TOM.
- BUT WE DON'T GO TO THE SAME SCHOOL.
IF WE DID, WE'D BE TOGETHER BEFORE SCHOOL, AFTER SCHOOL,
IN BETWEEN MEALS AND AFTER SNACKS,
AND THEN ON THE PHONE ALL NIGHT.
- BUT--
- IN FACT, YOU SHOULD BE WITH JAMIE RIGHT NOW,
UNLESS YOU WANT TO CAUSE PROBLEMS
THIS EARLY IN THE RELATIONSHIP.
- [sighs]
A GIRLFRIEND'S WORK IS NEVER DONE.
- WELL, IF WE'RE GONNA SUE THE BASTARDS,
I SAY GET 'EM RIGHT AFTER HALLOWEEN
WHEN THEY'RE FLUSH.
I'LL CALL YOU BACK.
- [groaning]
GOD! DAAAH!
DAMN IT!
YAAAH!
- YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT YOUR FATHER'S BEHAVIOR.
- LOOK, I UNDERSTAND HIM. - REALLY?
- BUT HE MIGHT BE A LITTLE OFF-PUTTING
TO SOMEONE WHO'S NOT, UM, BLOOD RELATED.
THEY MIGHT NOT APPRECIATE HIS, UM,
ENERGETIC REACTIONS TO CERTAIN STIMULI.
- STIMULI? WHAT STIMULI?
- OH, YOU KNOW, EVERYTHING.
- [sighs]
DARIA, I'LL MAKE YOU A DEAL.
I'LL HAVE A TALK WITH YOUR FATHER ABOUT HIS CONDUCT.
YOU CALL TOM ABOUT DINNER.
WHAT DO YOU SAY?
- DIDN'T OUR DEALS USED TO INVOLVE CASH?
- NOW, ACCORDING TO WAIF,
THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF COMMUNICATING IS LISTENING.
- YEAH, NOBODY EVER LISTENS WHEN I--
- OH, LOOK, A QUIZ ON WHAT YOUR EYE SHADOW SAYS ABOUT YOU.
MY FAVORITE SHADE IS: "A", BLUE, "B," UMBER...
STACY SAYS THOSE HIPPIE PEOPLE IN THE '60s
DIDN'T EVEN WEAR EYE SHADOW.
I MEAN, WHAT'S THAT ABOUT?
I SAID, "WHAT'S THAT ABOUT?"
- UM, I KNOW?
- CREAM SHADOWS CAN GET STUCK IN CREASES,
NOT THAT I HAVE ANY CREASES,
BUT I'VE SEEN IT HAPPEN TO OTHER PEOPLE.
DO YOU PREFER THE GLITZY LOOK OF CREAMS,
OR THE MORE NATURAL LOOK OF PRESSED POWDERS?
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
JAMIE?
JAMIE, YOU'RE NOT LISTENING TO ME.
- OF COURSE I AM.
UM, CREASES SUCK.
- YOU HAVEN'T BEEN LISTENING.
YOU DON'T EVEN CARE WHAT KIND OF EYE SHADOW I WEAR.
- QUINN, I'M SORRY.
- FORGET IT. IT'S OVER.
- QUINN, COME BACK.
- I'VE GOT YOU NOW, FLUFF RAT!
OH, MR. WHISKERS.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE, YOU SILLY KITTY?
YOU SHOULD BE NEXT DOOR IN YOUR COZY, WARM--
- [meows] - DAAAAH!
DAMN IT!
- MEET THE FLY-FISHING PATHOLOGIST
WHO USES HUMAN ORGANS AS BAIT.
A LIVER RUNS THROUGH IT, NEXT ON SICK, SAD WORLD.
- IF JAMIE CALLS, I'M NOT SPEAKING TO HIM.
- HOW ABOUT IF HE DOESN'T?
- MY NEW BOYFRIEND IS JOEY, SO PUT HIM THROUGH IMMEDIATELY.
- HEY, SHOULDN'T YOU BE WATCHING YOUR NEW BOYFRIEND
AT FOOTBALL PRACTICE RIGHT NOW?
- IT'S TOO HUMID. MY HAIR MIGHT FRIZZ.
- BRITTANY'S THERE SUPPORTING KEVIN.
SHE'S GOT HAIR.
- SHE'S A CHEERLEADER. SHE HAS TO GO.
- I'M NOT A CHEERLEADER,
AND I GO TO ALL OF TOM'S LUGE RACES.
I GUESS YOU'RE JUST ONE OF THOSE UNSUPPORTIVE GIRLFRIENDS.
- MAYBE THEY'LL HAVE SOME FRIZZ-PROOF CONDITIONER
AT THE DRUGSTORE.
- JAKE, DEAR.
I WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT SUNDAY NIGHT.
TOM'S COMING OVER, AND IT WOULD MEAN A LOT TO DARIA
IF WE WERE BOTH ON OUR BEST BEHAVIOR.
- THE CHEESE DIDN'T WORK.
DO SQUIRRELS LIKE SALAMI?
- JAKE, THIS IS IMPORTANT.
I WANT YOU TO GIVE THIS SQUIRREL HUNT A REST
WHILE TOM'S HERE.
- OH, UM, SURE.
YOU CAN COUNT ON OLD JAKEY.
- THANK YOU, HONEY.
- BESIDES, BY THE TIME TOM GETS HERE,
I'LL BE WEARING A SQUIRREL-SKIN CAP ON MY HEAD
AND DANCING A VICTORY JIG.
- [sighs]
- I WONDER IF HE'D GO FOR BACON BITS.
- I REALLY MISS YOU TOO, STACY.
IT'S SO HARD TO SEE YOUR FRIENDS AND GO SHOPPING AND STUFF
WHEN YOU'RE FORCED TO BE WITH-- WHEN YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND.
OF COURSE, COMMITMENT IS VERY IMPORTANT TO ME.
- HELLO, BELLEVUE?
- SANDI'S BEEN DATING KYLE?
BUT I THOUGHT KYLE LIKED ME.
I KNOW, I KNOW, BOYFRIEND, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
SO WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING TONIGHT?
- THE USUAL.
CAST A FEW SPELLS,
THEN A QUICK BROOMSTICK RIDE BEFORE BED.
- BUT I LOVE GUYS 2 GUYS.
I CAN'T BELIEVE JOEY'S NOT TAKING ME TO THAT CONCERT.
[doorbell rings]
THERE HE IS. GOTTA GO.
- HI, QUINN!
- UM, CHANGE OF PLANS.
YOU'RE TAKING ME TO THE GUYS 2 GUYS CONCERT.
- BUT YOU SAID YOU WANTED TO GO TO MARGE LA CUISINE!
TONIGHT'S THEIR OPEN --
- FORGET WHAT I SAID. I WANT TO GO TO THE CONCERT.
- BUT, QUINN, IT'S SOLD OUT. - FINE!
IF YOU WON'T TAKE ME, THEN YOU OBVIOUSLY DON'T CARE!
YOU'RE ONE OF THOSE UNSUPPORTIVE BOYFRIENDS!
- BUT, QUINN! - FORGET IT!
IT'S TOO LATE! IT'S OVER!
- QUINN, WAIT!
- WOW. A WHOLE DAY.
AT LEAST YOU'LL HAVE THE MEMORIES.
- I GIVE UP.
THIS BOYFRIEND STUFF IS TOO TIME-CONSUMING.
- DARIA, I, UM, SPOKE TO YOUR FATHER.
WE'RE ALL SET FOR SUNDAY NIGHT.
AND, QUINN, WHY DON'T YOU INVITE YOUR BOYFRIEND TOO?
- UM, MY BOYFRIEND? - WHY NOT?
I THINK IT'S GREAT THAT YOU'RE IN A STEADY RELATIONSHIP.
IT SHOWS A LOT OF PERSONAL GROWTH.
- OH, OKAY, I'LL INVITE HIM.
AS SOON AS I FIGURE OUT WHO HE IS.
[laid-back electronic music]
♪ ♪
- JUST KEEP TELLING YOURSELF
THAT SOMEDAY YOU'LL LOOK BACK ON TONIGHT AND LAUGH.
- ISN'T THAT WHAT THEY SAID TO LINCOLN?
- TOM, I...
- DARIA, I DON'T MIND. REALLY.
IT'LL BE INTERESTING GETTING TO KNOW YOUR FOLKS.
- SPEAKING OF INTERESTING, MY FATHER CAN BE A LITTLE...
ECCENTRIC.
- SO I'VE HEARD. - FROM WHO?
- YOU. - OH, YEAH.
I KNOW YOU WOULDN'T INTENTIONALLY SAY ANYTHING
TO UPSET HIM.
IT'S JUST THAT HE'S KIND OF, UM, SENSITIVE.
- SO NO BRIGHT LIGHTS OR LOUD NOISES?
- TOM.
- DON'T WORRY.
I WANT HIM TO LIKE ME TOO, YOU KNOW.
- AHEM. EXCUSE ME.
MY NEW SERIOUS BOYFRIEND, JEFFY, WILL BE HERE ANY MINUTE,
AND I'D LIKE IT IF YOU TWO DIDN'T DO ANYTHING
TO EMBARRASS ME.
- I GUESS THE BEAR SUITS ARE OUT.
- HOW LONG HAVE YOU AND JEFFY BEEN A COUPLE?
- IT'S NOT THE QUANTITY OF TIME;
IT'S THE QUALITY.
- YOU'LL MAKE A GREAT NEGLECTFUL MOTHER ONE DAY.
SPEAKING OF SERIOUS,
THANKS FOR GETTING US THOSE ADJOINING CEMETERY PLOTS.
NOW I KNOW YOU CARE.
- OH, MY PLEASURE.
- THAT'S GROSS!
- NO, THAT'S COMMITMENT.
RIGHT, SNOOKLES?
- OH, YOU!
- SNOOKLES?
[doorbell rings]
- HI, JEFFY!
I MEAN, UH, JEFFY LUBE.
- UM, HEY, QUINN.
- I NEED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT OUR CEMETERY PLOTS,
BUT NOT NOW.
- WE'RE SO GLAD YOU TWO CAME OVER.
- THANKS FOR INVITING US, MRS. MORGENDORFFER.
- UM, YEAH.
- NO PROBLEMO.
IT'S GREAT TO HAVE SOME MEN AROUND THE HOUSE.
THIS PLACE COULD DO WITH A LITTLE SCRATCHING
AND SWEATING NOW AND THEN, RIGHT, GUYS?
- [clears throat] - HUH?
- SO, WHAT'S NEW, MR. MORGENDORFFER?
- NOT TOO MUCH, TOM, MY MAN. NOT TOO MUCH.
EXCEPT THERE'S THIS SQUIRREL.
HE'S BEEN TERRORIZING THE NEIGHBORHOOD,
DIGGING UP YARDS AND KNOCKING OVER TRASH CANS
WITH A SINGLE FLIP OF HIS TAIL.
- JAKE, REMEMBER WHAT I SAID. - BUT HE ASKED.
- I'M WITH YOU, MR. MORGENDORFFER.
SOME SQUIRRELS GOT INTO OUR CELLAR LAST WINTER
AND ATE UP ALL THE WHEAT THINS.
- TOM. - WHAT? THEY DID.
- JEFFY, WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE SUBJECTS IN SCHOOL?
- I CAUGHT A SQUIRREL ONCE. - JEFFY!
- YOU DID? HOW?
- THEY REALLY LIKE PEANUT BUTTER.
- PEANUT BUTTER. YEAH!
I BET THAI PEANUT SAUCE WOULD WORK GREAT!
AND I WHIPPED UP A NEW BATCH JUST LAST NIGHT.
- JAKE, YOU DIDN'T!
- I SMELLED SOMETHING AT BREAKFAST,
BUT I JUST THOUGHT A NEIGHBOR HAD DIED.
[cell phone rings]
- JAKE, YOU PROMISED YOU'D-- HELLO, ERIC.
THIS IS A BAD TIME.
I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF A FAMILY--
YES, OF COURSE I KNEW UNICEF'S A CHARITY.
NO, IT'S UNIROYAL THAT MAKES THE TIRES.
- HEY JEFFY.
DO YOU THINK YOU COULD HELP ME SET UP THE TRAP?
- SURE! - JEFFY!
WHAT'S MORE IMPORTANT,
OUR COMMITMENT TO COMPATIBLE EXCLUSIVITY,
OR SOME STUPID SQUIRREL?
- LOOK, THERE IT IS!
- LET'S GO!
- TOM?
- JEFFY!
- I GUESS THAT ANSWERS
THE "WHAT'S MORE IMPORTANT" QUESTION.
WELL, THINGS HAVE TURNED OUT EVEN MORE RIDICULOUS THAN--
- AUGH!
I CAN'T BELIEVE JEFFY JUST DESERTED ME LIKE THAT.
I'LL NEVER HAVE A BOYFRIEND.
I'LL NEVER BE IN A RELATIONSHIP LIKE YOU AND TOM.
I'M A COMPLETE FAILURE.
- HMM.
DO I DO THE SISTERLY THING AND CONSOLE HER?
OH, LOOK. ROLLS.
- ALL RIGHT, ERIC, YOU KEEP WORKING ON THE APOLOGY.
I'LL DRAFT A PRESS RELEASE WITH A LIST
OF CHILDREN'S CHARITIES WE HAVEN'T SUED.
BYE.
OH, MY.
WHERE IS EVERYONE?
- DAD, TOM, AND JEFFY
ARE OUTSIDE TRYING TO CATCH A SQUIRREL,
AND QUINN'S IN HER ROOM CRYING.
- WHY? WHAT HAPPENED?
- MALE BONDING, I GUESS.
- I MEAN WITH QUINN. - OH.
SHE SAID SOMETHING ABOUT FAILING AT RELATIONSHIPS.
- WHAT, JUST BECAUSE JEFFY JOINED YOUR FATHER
ON SOME RIDICULOUS SQUIRREL CHASE,
SHE THINKS HER RELATIONSHIP IS OVER?
- WELL, SHE MIGHT HAVE HAD
SLIGHTLY UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS
ABOUT WHAT HAVING A BOYFRIEND ENTAILS.
- UH-HUH.
AND JUST WHAT WOULD SOME OF THESE EXPECTATIONS BE?
- YOU KNOW, BEING TOGETHER 24 HOURS A DAY,
HANGING ON EACH OTHER'S EVERY WORD,
HIS-AND-HERS CEMETERY PLOTS.
- DARIA, HOW COULD YOU MISLEAD YOUR SISTER LIKE THAT?
- MOTHER, HOW COULD I NOT?
- WHOO-HOO! - YEAH, ALL RIGHT!
- HA HA! - WHOO!
- AND WHAT ABOUT ME?
I FINALLY GET UP THE NERVE
TO INVITE TOM FOR A FAMILY DINNER,
AND EVERYONE LEAVES ME,
CONFIRMING MY DEEPEST FEARS ABOUT ABANDONMENT AND ISOLATION.
OH, LOOK, SHOESTRING POTATOES.
- QUINN, DARIA SAID YOU WERE UPSET.
- OF COURSE I'M UPSET.
I TRIED AND I TRIED TO GET THIS BOYFRIEND THING RIGHT,
AND I JUST COULDN'T!
I DON'T KNOW WHO I'M GONNA BE BURIED WITH.
MY WHOLE LIFE HAS BEEN A LIE.
- MAYBE YOU'RE NOT READY FOR A STEADY BOYFRIEND JUST YET.
- OKAY. I ADMIT YOU WERE RIGHT.
I'M NOT MATURE ENOUGH TO HAVE A BOYFRIEND.
- ME?
I NEVER SAID YOU WEREN'T MATURE ENOUGH FOR A BOYFRIEND.
- BUT YOU SAID DARIA WAS REALLY MATURE
TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP.
SO IF I'M NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP,
THAT MAKES ME UN-MATURE-- OR "IM-"?
- QUINN, HAVING A BOYFRIEND DOESN'T MAKE YOU
ANY MORE OR LESS GROWN UP.
WHAT'S IMPORTANT IS TO DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY.
DATING TOM EXCLUSIVELY MAKES DARIA HAPPY.
IF DATING A LOT OF DIFFERENT BOYS MAKES YOU HAPPY,
THEN THAT'S WHAT YOU SHOULD DO.
- SO, IT'S ALL RIGHT NOT TO HAVE A STEADY BOYFRIEND?
- OF COURSE IT'S ALL RIGHT.
- OKAY!
I'M GOING TO GO DUMP JEFFY NOW.
- [together] ♪ WHOOMP, THERE IT IS ♪
- I LOVE THIS SONG!
THINK WE'RE FAR ENOUGH OUT OF TOWN, FELLAS?
- LET'S GIVE IT A SHOT.
- GOOD-BYE, LITTLE FELLA.
IT WAS NOTHING PERSONAL.
- BOY, THIS WOULD BE A GREAT PLACE
TO PLAY PAINTBALL.
- OR GO CAMPING. - OR BUILD A FORT!
- HEY, MY DAD USED TO TAKE US TO A GO-KART TRACK
RIGHT DOWN THE ROAD FROM HERE.
- NO WAY! - ALL RIGHT!
- WHERE IS EVERYONE?
- APPARENTLY, IT TAKES THREE PEOPLE
TO RETURN A SQUIRREL TO ITS NATURAL HABITAT.
- TOM WENT TOO?
- I GUESS PART OF ME ALWAYS KNEW
THAT SOMEDAY HE'D RETURN TO THE WILD.
- DARIA, DO YOU EVER THINK MAYBE GUYS AND GIRLS
AREN'T MEANT TO UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER?
LIKE IT'S ALL SOME BIG UNFUNNY JOKE ON US
WE'LL BE STRUGGLING WITH FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES?
OH, LOOK, CELERY STALKS.
- YOU'RE MINE NOW, MR. MORGENDORFFER!
- SAY YOUR PRAYERS, JEFFY LUBE.
- WAHOO! YEAH!
[electronic dance music]
♪ ♪