- ♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
- WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THE BIG
"REVITALIZE DOWNTOWN LAWNDALE" PLAN?
- THEY SPENT ALL THE MONEY ON FLAGS.
COME ON.
WE HAVE TO GET TO THE POST OFFICE
BEFORE IT CLOSES.
- AH, NEW WANTED POSTERS GO UP TODAY?
- NO USE TRYING TO KEEP GOOD NEWS SECRET IN THIS TOWN.
COMING?
- [whistling jovially]
- ACTUALLY, I REALLY NEED AN ERASER,
A NICE, BIG, CUTE ONE.
YOU GUYS GO ON AHEAD AND I'LL CATCH UP WITH YOU
AT THE PIZZA PLACE.
- LADIES, GENTLEMEN,
AND ESPECIALLY LADIES,
RUTTHEIMER THE PRESTIDIGITATOR
BEGS YOUR INDULGENCE.
MAY I SHOW YOU SOMETHING THAT WILL ASTOUND AND AMAZE?
- LOOK, BABE.
UPCHUCK'S DOING MAGIC, LIKE DAVID COPPERTONE.
- A SIMPLE DECK OF CARDS AND NOTHING UP MY SLEEVE,
IF YOU DON'T COUNT MY RIPPLING MUSCULATURE.
- LET'S GO, KEVIE,
OR CASHMAN'S WILL BE ALL OUT
OF THAT THING THAT YOU'RE GONNA WANT TO BUY ME.
- NOW I'LL NEED SOME HELP FROM THE AUDIENCE.
- ME, ME, ME!
- MM, YES, YOU'LL DO NICELY.
PICK A CARD, ANY CARD.
LOOK AT IT AND RETURN IT TO THE DECK.
- THAT WAS AWESOME.
- WE'RE NOT DONE.
- IT WAS STILL COOL.
- NOW, COMELY MISS, IF YOU WILL,
REACH INTO MY SHIRT POCKET WITH YOUR TEETH
AND REMOVE THE CARD YOU FIND THERE.
- UM, OKAY.
- [purrs creepily]
IS THIS YOUR CARD, SIR?
- UM, I FORGOT.
- IT DID HAVE A GUY ON IT.
- OH, RIGHT.
HEY!
YOU TOOK MY CARD, MAN.
[applause]
- BURR, IT'S LIKE HE READ YOUR MIND.
DO YOU THINK HE CAN READ MY MIND?
'CAUSE THAT STUFF I WAS THINKING ABOUT TEDDY WOZNIAK
DOESN'T MEAN I'D ACTUALLY DO THAT STUFF WITH TEDDY WOZNI--
EEP!
- WOW, THIS PLACE IS SO OLD, THE CRAYONS HAVE EXPIRED.
- IT'S REALLY ORBITING PLANET YESTERDAY, HUH?
THEY DON'T MAKE 'EM LIKE THEY USED TO.
- I LOVE THIS STUFF-- PHOTO CORNERS,
CLOTH TYPEWRITER RIBBON, SEALING WAX.
- OH, LOOK, CARBON PAPER.
I'M NATHAN. - JANE.
- I REALLY OUGHT TO GIVE THIS A TEST SCRIBBLE
BEFORE I BUY IT.
MAYBE I COULD WRITE DOWN, SAY,
A PHONE NUMBER?
- HOW ABOUT MINE?
AND HE WEARS CUFFLINKS
AND DRIVES ONE OF THOSE BIG OLD CARS WITH FINS.
HOW GREAT IS THAT?
- DO YOU THINK IT'S A GOOD IDEA
TO PICK UP A PERFECT STRANGER
WHILE UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF INKWELL FUMES,
EVEN IF HE HAS COME HERE FROM PREHISTORIC TIMES?
- HEY, IF I DIDN'T HAVE THE NERVE TO PICK UP GUYS,
YOU WOULDN'T HAVE A BOYFRIEND.
- OH, GREAT.
I'M NOT GONNA HAVE TO DATE THIS GUY NOW, AM I?
[together] HEY!
- WHAT'D I SAY?
- I DON'T KNOW.
I HATE THE PRESENT TOO,
BUT NOT ENOUGH TO WEAR A ZOOT SUIT.
- HE DOESN'T WEAR A ZOOT SUIT.
HE'S A SNAPPY DRESSER IN THE CLASSICAL, ELEGANT SENSE.
PLUS, HE HAS IMPECCABLE MANNERS AND A BITING WIT.
- OH, SO HE'S--
- AND HE LOVES GIRLS.
- OKAY, HE'S GOT IT ALL,
NOT LIKE SOME GUYS.
- IT'S TRUE; IF I REALLY CARED,
I'D DRESS LIKE A DEAD MAN TOO.
- THANKS FOR THE ENCOURAGEMENT, YOU TWO.
MAYBE SOMETIME YOU CAN TEACH ME
HOW TO PASS JUDGMENT ON SOMEONE I'VE NEVER MET.
- SHE'S GONNA BE DISAPPOINTED.
- YEAH, THAT'S NOT REALLY THE KIND OF THING YOU CAN TEACH.
- I PLACE THE BALL BENEATH A CUP.
WITH DAZZLING SKILL, I MIX THEM UP.
THE BALL WITHDRAWS LIKE A BASHFUL MAID
WHO RUNS AWAY WHEN ATTENTION'S PAID.
WHERE, OH, WHERE DID MY PRETTY ONE GO?
RISK TEN BILLS IF YOU THINK YOU KNOW.
- DESPITE YOUR DISTRACTING AND POORLY METERED RHYME,
MY EAGLE EYE TELLS ME THE BALL
IS CERTAINLY UNDERNEATH THAT CUP!
AND I'VE GOT THE TEN-SPOT TO PROVE IT!
- I HATE TO CONTRADICT YOU, ANTHONY,
BUT IT'S UNDER THAT ONE.
- WOULD YOU LIKE TO BET, MR. O'NEILL?
- YEAH, I'M NOT AFRAID
TO BACK UP MY SPORTING SUPPOSITION
WITH COLD, HARD CASH!
- WELL, I SUPPOSE I SHOULD
HAVE THE COURAGE OF MY CONVICTIONS.
- OH, NO.
HOW COULD MY RAZOR-SHARP INTELLECT BETRAY ME?
- IN LOSS, THERE IS WISDOM.
- GO AWAY!
- UM, YES.
- THANKS FOR THE ASSISTANCE, MR. DE-PLANT-INO.
- I QUITE ENJOY HELPING THE CREDULOUS HORDES
LEARN A VALUABLE LESSON ABOUT GULLIBILITY AND TRUST.
GIVE ME MY CUT.
- THE CASH IS SWEET,
BUT SWEETER STILL, THE CHANCE TO ATTRACT
THE MOST LUSCIOUS OF LADIES
WITH MY MESMERIZING STAGE PRESENCE.
AHA! IT'S WORKING ALREADY.
BEAUTEOUS MAIDENS,
MAY I SHOW YOU SOMETHING THAT WILL ASTOUND AND AMAZE?
- ONLY IF IT'S A DISAPPEARING ACT.
- NO, A FEAT OF ILLUSION.
- LIKE CONTOURING YOUR NOSE TO MAKE IT LOOK THIN?
- [gasps] - NOT ME.
- PLEASE, SPARE JUST A MOMENT
TO BEHOLD MY ASTONISHING MAGIC SKILLS.
- MAKE IT FAST, CHARLES.
I DON'T WANT TO GET STUCK
IN THE MIDDAY COSMETICS COUNTER CRUSH.
- OBSERVE, GENUINE U.S. CURRENCY,
WHICH I SHALL NOW TEAR INTO TINY PIECES.
[girls gasping]
- THAT IS MOST CERTAINLY ILLEGAL.
- BUT WAIT.
THROUGH THE COMMANDING FORCE
OF MY VIRILE PRESENCE,
THE BILL IS MAGICALLY RESTORED.
[girls sigh]
- TRULY ASTONISHING.
- BUT HOW'D HE DO THAT?
- OH, STACY, YOU ARE SO NAIVE.
HE OBVIOUSLY USED MIRRORS OR SOMETHING.
- BESIDES, WHO CARES IF HE CAN FIX A TEN?
IT'S NOT LIKE IT WAS A 50.
- COME ON; LET'S MAKE SOME REAL MONEY DISAPPEAR.
[laughter]
- THAT WAS A GOOD ONE, SANDY.
- HEY, STRANGER.
HAVEN'T SEEN YOU AROUND MUCH.
- BEEN HANGING OUT WITH NATHAN.
- I HAD A HUNCH.
HEARD ANY GOOD BARBERSHOP QUARTETS LATELY?
- NO, BUT WE WENT TO AN ANTIQUE CAR SHOW SUNDAY,
AND WE'RE STARTING FOXTROT LESSONS TONIGHT.
- SOUNDS GREAT,
EXCEPT FOR THE CAR SHOW AND FOXTROT PART.
- DANCING IS FUN, DARIA,
WHICH IS MORE THAN I CAN SAY FOR YOU THESE DAYS.
- COME ON, A MONTH AGO,
YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN LAUGHING AT THIS TOO.
- YOU DON'T HAVE TO PUT NATHAN AND ME DOWN
JUST BECAUSE YOU AND TOM ARE IN A RUT.
- AT LEAST WE WEREN'T DOING THE FOXTROT
WHEN WE TRIPPED AND FELL INTO IT.
- HA.
- HEY, COME BACK.
DO YOU KNOW YOUR SEAMS ARE CROOKED?
- SO... PIZZA?
WHAT?
- DO YOU THINK WE'RE IN A RUT?
- WHERE'D THAT COME FROM?
- JANE, JUST BECAUSE HER EXCITING SOCIAL LIFE
INVOLVES COPILOTING A TIME MACHINE.
- NATHAN?
- DON'T YOU THINK HE SOUNDS A LITTLE PRETENTIOUS?
- IS THAT ANY WAY TO TALK ABOUT YOUR FUTURE BOYFRIEND?
- HEY. - WHAT'D I SAY?
- [groans] - COME ON.
LET'S SHAKE UP OUR ROUTINE AND GO SOMEPLACE CRAZY.
- WHAT IF HE DOES TURN OUT TO BE A COMPLETE JERK?
- ISN'T THAT JANE'S CALL?
- I FEEL A CERTAIN RESPONSIBILITY
FOR THE HEALTH AND WELL-BEING OF HER SOCIAL LIFE.
- UM, ME TOO.
BUT WE GOT TO GIVE THIS GUY A CHANCE.
- I GUESS.
- HI, I'M DEBBIE, YOUR SERVER.
WOULD YOU CARE FOR A SOUR CREAM SUPREME POTATO SKIN
WITH YOUR ORDER TODAY?
- GEE, I'LL BET YOU SAY THAT TO ALL THE CUSTOMERS.
- IF I DON'T, YOU GET A FREE
$5 PHINEAS T. FIREFLY CERTIFICATE,
GOOD AT ANY OF OUR 240 LOCATIONS ACROSS THE COUNTRY.
- THINK WE CAN CATCH THE LAST RUT OUT OF HERE?
- YOU KNOW, THIS PLACE USED TO BE A SPEAKEASY.
- UNTIL SOME SPOILSPORT REPEALED PROHIBITION
AND RUINED EVERYTHING.
- ACTUALLY, IT WAS THE DEVELOPERS
WHO RUINED EVERYTHING WITH THEIR TRACT HOUSING,
MINI-MALLS, AND CHAIN RESTAURANTS THAT SERVE...
POTATO SKINS.
- YOUSE KNOW THE PASSWORD?
- YAHOOTIE.
- OKAY, JOHNNY BOY.
YOU'RE IN.
- OH, NO, AFTER YOUSE.
- CHIVALRY AIN'T DEAD.
DAMES FIRST.
[jazz music]
- THE PROBLEM WITH MODERN RESTAURANTS IS,
THEY DON'T SERVE ENOUGH
LIME ASPIC WITH MARSHMALLOW SURPRISES.
- TOLD YOU THIS CLUB WAS 18-KARAT.
TOO BAD THE CROWD TONIGHT'S KIND OF FRANKIE-COME-LATELY.
THEY'RE SO POST-KHAKIS AD.
- OOH.
- I'M SERIOUS.
THAT GUY'S TIE IS TOO WIDE,
AND HIS COMPAÑERO'S WEARING SUSPENDERS AND A BELT.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY LET THEM IN.
- GEE, MAYBE I SHOULDN'T HAVE PUT ON GLOVES AND A NECKLACE.
- RELAX, YOU'RE WITH NATHAN, SWEETHEART.
YOU CAN'T BE MORE IN THAN THAT.
WANT TO CUT A RUG?
- JUST CALL ME "SCISSORS GIRL."
- JANE, YOU'RE ONE SWELL CHICK.
- AND YOU'RE, UH... ONE SWELL SWELL?
- WOULD YOU MIND IF I KISSED YOU?
- YOU'RE ACTUALLY ASKING?
- HEY, I'M A CLASS ACT.
- THEN, SURE.
- MY HAIR!
- IT'S A QUICK FIX.
- NO, NO, IT'S COMPLICATED.
I GOT TO GET TO A MIRROR.
- [sniffs] POMADE.
I GOT TO GET TO A NAPKIN.
- OH, HOW I WISH I COULD QUENCH YOUR CURIOSITY, MY PET.
BUT I CANNOT REVEAL MY SECRETS.
IT'S THE MAGICIAN'S CODE.
- BUT I HAVE TO KNOW HOW YOU DID IT.
I CAN'T GET IT OUT OF MY MIND.
- I KNOW THE FEELING.
THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS I CAN'T GET OUT OF MY MIND--
THAT DREAM ABOUT THE MERMAIDS IN THE FUDGE SAUCE, FOR EXAMPLE.
- WAS THAT STACY WITH UPCHUCK?
- NO WAY, IT MUST BE THAT GIRL
WHO LOOKS LIKE STACY EXCEPT WHEN SHE TURNS AROUND.
- OR THAT GIRL WHO LOOKS LIKE THAT GIRL.
- HEY, WAIT UP.
- YOU'RE LUCKY I HAVE TROUBLE WALKING IN HEELS.
- LISTEN, I'M SORRY I GAVE YOU A HARD TIME ABOUT NATHAN.
- WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO WRITE PEOPLE OFF
BEFORE YOU EVEN KNOW THEM?
- I THOUGHT THAT'S WHAT YOU LIKED ABOUT ME.
- WELL, I GUESS I CAN FORGIVE YOU.
BESIDES, THIS RETRO THING IS PRETTY SILLY.
I MEAN, I'M WEARING A SNOOD.
- I WAS PRETENDING NOT TO NOTICE.
- BUT WHAT THE HELL? IT'S JUST FOR FUN.
- WHICH IS WHAT I FINALLY FIGURED OUT.
SO CAN I WALK YOU TO YOUR STENO POOL?
- ACTUALLY, NATHAN IS PICKING ME UP.
[horn honking]
NEED A RIDE HOME?
- UM...
MATCHING DRESS AND TIE.
UM... COPACETIC.
- HEY, YOU SPEAKA THE JIVE.
- I DABBLE.
- THAT'S A SWINGIN' LOOK YOU'VE PUT TOGETHER, DARIA--
CATHOLIC SCHOOL GIRL
MEETS KING'S ROAD, LONDON, CIRCA '83.
- DARN, I WAS GOING FOR CIRCA '82.
- HEY, DARIA, DO YOU AND TOM WANT TO HANG OUT WITH US FRIDAY?
WE'RE GONNA CHECK OUT THIS MOVIE THEATER OUTSIDE TOWN.
- UM, SURE.
THAT SOUNDS...FUN.
- NATHAN, HOW THE HELL ARE YOU KEEPING THAT HAT ON?
- CUSTOM-MADE, MY MAN.
IT'S ALL IN THE FIT.
- AND YET THEY CAN'T FIND A CURE FOR CANCER.
- NATHAN OWNS A PAIR OF PANTS
THAT BELONGED TO SAMMY DAVIS, JR.
- I CAN'T WEAR THEM, THOUGH.
THEY'RE A VERY STRANGE SHAPE.
- THEN WHAT DO YOU PUT ON
WHEN YOU WANT TO TAKE A SUNRISE AND SPRINKLE IT WITH DEW?
- HOW'D YOU GET INTERESTED IN ALL THIS?
- WELL, I'VE ALWAYS DUG THE BEAUTY AND ELEGANCE
OF POSTWAR AMERICAN DESIGN.
PEOPLE HAD A SENSE OF TIMELESS STYLE
AND CIVILIZED DECORUM BACK THEN.
- WELL, YEAH, BUT YOU ALSO HAD THE TIMELESS STYLE
OF COLD WAR CONFORMITY
AND THE CIVILIZED DECORUM OF SEGREGATION.
- I'M NOT SAYING IT WAS ALL STEAK AND ONIONS,
BUT THERE WERE STANDARDS.
- YEAH, DRESS CODES, LOYALTY OATHS.
- OH, THERE IT IS.
- WHAT MOVIE ARE WE SEEING?
- NO MOVIE.
- WOW, EERIE.
LET'S GET OUT AND POKE AROUND.
- IT IS KIND OF BIZARRE.
- NO, HAIRLESS CATS ARE BIZARRE.
THIS IS KIND OF...COOL.
- DARN, WE'RE THE FIRST ONES HERE.
I WANTED TO MAKE AN ENTRANCE.
- FIRST ONES HERE?
- LOOK, HERE COMES CHARLISE AND ASHER.
- OH, GOD, IT'S NIGHT OF THE VINTAGE THREADS.
- COME ON, JANE.
I'LL INTRODUCE YOU TO THE GANG.
- THERE'S A GANG?
- BUT FIRST, HAIR CHECK.
[upbeat jazz music]
- GO, MAN, GO! - YEAH!
- LOOK AT THAT GUY MOVE, MAN!
- HEY, THAT WAS PRETTY GOOD.
- AND I'M SURE THEY DIDN'T SPEND
A GOOD PORTION OF THEIR TEEN YEARS
PRACTICING IT EITHER.
- AREN'T YOU GUYS COMING?
- YOU MEAN OUTSIDE?
YOU DO SEE THE PEOPLE, RIGHT?
- DARIA.
- OKAY, OKAY.
JUST DROP US OFF AT HOME FIRST.
- AH, LEAVE 'EM.
SOME PEOPLE CAN'T MAKE THE SCENE
UNLESS THEY CLEAR IT FIRST WITH THE P.C. POLICE.
- FOR A MINUTE DURING THE RIDE THERE,
I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA GO FOR HIS THROAT.
- BELIEVE ME, I'VE BEEN FIGHTING BACK THE URGE
TO STRANGLE HIM WITH SAMMY DAVIS' PANTS.
BUT JANE THINKS HE'S SWINGIN'.
[sighs]
I WISH THE P.C. POLICE WERE HERE.
I BET THEY'D GIVE US A RIDE HOME.
- I HAD A GREAT TIME THE OTHER NIGHT.
- YEAH, ME TOO.
- SORRY WE WOKE YOU GUYS UP WHEN WE GOT BACK IN THE CAR.
- HEY, NO PROBLEM.
WE GOT IN A GOOD THREE HOURS FIRST.
- COME SEE A FEAT OF LEGERDEMAIN SO DANGEROUS,
I'VE TAKEN OUT AN INSURANCE POLICY ON MY BODY
AND MY BODILY FLUIDS.
THIS SATURDAY NIGHT,
I WILL BE HANDCUFFED, STRAIGHT-JACKETED,
AND INTERRED WITHIN AN AIRTIGHT, STEEL-REINFORCED,
MILITARY-GRADE TRUNK.
THEN IT'S ESCAPE... OR ASPHYXIATE.
- DO WE GET TO PICK?
- ALL PROCEEDS-- - AHEM.
- MOST PROCEEDS TO BENEFIT THE SPECIAL EXPENDITURES FUND
FOR EMBEDDING MICROCHIPS IN THE GYM EQUIPMENT.
- UPCHUCK BOUND AND GAGGED.
THAT DOES SOUND ENTERTAINING.
- I'LL TAKE FOUR TICKETS.
- ON BEHALF OF PILFERED BASKETBALLS EVERYWHERE,
MISS LANE, I'D LIKE TO SAY
THAT'S VERY SCHOOL-SPIRITED OF YOU.
- YOU ASK TOM.
I'LL ASK NATHAN. MY TREAT.
- IF THAT'S THE WORD FOR IT.
- BEHOLD, AN APPROACHING QUARTET OF LOVELIES.
IT APPEARS MY MAGIC MOJO IS WORKING OVERTIME.
HI...
STACY.
- UH...HI. [giggles]
- DID YOU JUST SAY HELLO TO UPCHUCK,
OR WAS THAT A HICCUP?
- MUST BE ALL THE DIET SODA I'VE BEEN DRINKING.
[doorbell dings]
- WHOA. CANARY YELLOW.
- HI, I'M NATHAN,
JANE'S ESCORT FOR THE EVENING.
YOU MUST BE TRENT.
IT'S GREAT TO FINALLY MEET YOU.
- YEAH, SAME HERE.
YOU, UM, DRESS LIKE THAT EVERY DAY?
- SURE, DO YOU? - WHAT?
- DRESS LIKE THAT?
I MEAN, THE '60s ARE OVER.
- THE '40s WERE OVER FIRST.
- MAYBE, BUT GREAT STYLE IS TIMELESS.
- THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I WAS GONNA SAY.
THANKS.
- NO, THANK YOU.
- IT WAS SO MUCH EASIER WHEN I HAD ONE OUTFIT.
[knocking] YO.
- HEY, GORGEOUS.
- HEY.
WOW, YOU REALLY DO OWN A ZOOT SUIT.
- GOT TO HAVE SOMETHING FOR SPECIAL OCCASIONS.
- TROUBLED TRAVELS...
BY TRIKE!
UNDERAGE ROAD RAGE NEXT ON SICK, SAD WORLD.
- HOW CAN ANYONE WATCH THAT CRAP?
THE DECLINE OF MODERN CIVILIZATION, RIGHT?
- EXACTLY.
- READY TO GO?
THE TIKI TAVERN IS GONNA BE PACKED TONIGHT.
- I BOUGHT TICKETS TO SEE UPCHUCK THE IRRITATING.
REMEMBER?
YOU KNOW, FIRST THE FREAKY, THEN THE TIKI.
- OH, COME ON.
MAGIC IS SO OLD AND CORNY.
AND THE GANG'S EXPECTING US
IN TIME FOR THE FLOATING UKULELE REVIEW.
- I TOLD DARIA AND TOM WE'D BE THERE.
YOU KNOW, MY GANG?
- SORRY, IT'S JUST NOT MY SPEED.
UM, YOU KNOW YOU'RE MIXING '40s SHOES
WITH A '50s DRESS, RIGHT?
- OKAY.
- I THINK STACY HAS CONFUSED BEING FASHIONABLY LATE
WITH OUTRIGHT TARDINESS.
- SHE'S BEEN SO WEIRD LATELY.
- SHE HARDLY DIDN'T EAT ANYTHING AT LUNCH.
DID THAT MAKE SENSE?
- I GOT IT.
- WELCOME, ONE AND ALL!
I'D LIKE TO THANK MR. RUTTHEIMER
FOR SUPPORTING A MOST WORTHY CAUSE,
AND FOR GIVING ME SOME POINTERS
ON ADAPTING THE INTERCOM SYSTEM FOR POSTHYPNOTIC SUGGESTION.
I WILL TITHE MY EARNINGS TO LAWNDALE HIGH,
TITHE MY EARNINGS TO LAWNDALE HIGH.
AND NOW, RUTTHEIMER THE PRESTIDIGITATOR
AND HIS LOVELY ASSISTANT STACY!
[crowd gasps]
- EMERGENCY MEETING IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING SHOW.
- HER COSTUME, IT'S SO SPARKLY.
- GREETINGS, MAGIC AFICIONADOS.
BE GENTLE, MY SWEET.
I HAVE VERY DELICATE... EVERYTHING.
- I HOPE I'M DOING THIS RIGHT.
- NO COMPLAINTS ON THIS END.
[purrs creepily]
AS SOON AS I AM FULLY BONDAGED,
I WILL ENTER THIS STEEL-REINFORCED TRUNK,
WHICH THE LOVELY STACY WILL CLOSE AND LOCK
FROM THE OUTSIDE.
- OH, NO.
WHAT DO I DO NEXT?
[muffled speech]
- WHERE DO YOU THINK JANE AND NATHAN ARE?
- MAYBE THE ROADSTER RAN OUT OF JIVE JUICE.
- DO THESE MEET WITH YOUR APPROVAL?
- THEY'RE FROM THE '40s TOO.
I JUST DON'T THINK YOU'RE READY TO MIX ERAS YET.
- LOOK IN THE MIRROR.
YOU'RE THE ONE WEARING A '40s ZOOT SUIT
TO A '60s TIKI BAR.
- DAMN, WHAT WAS I THINKING?
NOW I HAVE TO GO HOME AND CHANGE.
- WHAT'S TAKING SO LONG?
I RENTED THE AUDITORIUM OUT,
AND THE SINGLE SCIENTOLOGISTS WILL BE IN LESS THAN AN HOUR.
- HE WAS SUPPOSED TO SIGNAL ME!
SOMETHING'S WRONG!
- PANIC! PANIC!
I FORESEE A MASSIVE HIKE IN INSURANCE PREMIUMS.
- WHY DO I ALWAYS END UP BAILING OUT
THE NAIVE AND/OR INCOMPETENT
WHEN THEIR ILL-CONCEIVED PLANS GO AWRY?
- IT'S JUST LIKE A MAN TO BE THERE ONE MINUTE
AND GONE THE NEXT.
- GET OVER YOURSELF!
YOU'RE TAKING THIS ALL WAY TOO SERIOUSLY.
- NO, YOU'RE NOT TAKING IT SERIOUSLY ENOUGH.
- NATHAN, IT'S A FAD.
IT'S JUST FOR FUN,
NOT SOMETHING TO GO TO WAR OVER.
- YOU'RE WRONG.
RETRO WILL NEVER DIE.
IT'S NOT JUST ABOUT BOWLING SHIRTS
AND COCKTAIL SHAKERS AND DICE-SHAPED CUFFLINKS.
IT'S ABOUT PRIDE AND STANDARDS
THAT SET US APART FROM TODAY'S MINDLESS, INSIPID MAINSTREAM.
THE TRENDIES HAVE COME AND GONE.
THE TRUE BELIEVERS ARE LEFT.
ARE YOU WITH US OR AGAINST US?
- NATHAN, IF YOU REALLY LIKED ME,
IT WOULDN'T MATTER IF I WAS WEARING FISHNETS OR SWEATPANTS.
- YOU OWN SWEATPANTS?
- GET OUT. - DILETTANTE.
- POSEUR. - UGH!
I WAS PRE-KHAKIS COMMERCIAL,
AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT!
- [whimpering]
- COME ON, RIGID, STUBBORN BOX OF DEATH!
YIELD, I SAY. YIELD!
- NO GOOD-BYE, NOT EVEN A NOTE,
AFTER I GAVE YOU THE BEST YEARS OF MY LIFE!
- STACY, IT'S JUST TRAGIC
HOW YOU SO COMPLETELY EMBARRASSED YOURSELF.
- YEAH, AND FREAKED OUT.
- AND YOUR MASCARA,
IT'S NOT EVEN WATERPROOF.
OH! I CAN'T LOOK.
- GOOD THING UPCHUCK'S BURIED ALIVE IN THERE
SO YOU WON'T HAVE TO SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE
SEEKING REVENGE FOR THE WAY HE'S HUMILIATED YOU
IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE SCHOOL.
- OH, SANDY, YOU ARE SO NAIVE.
- HUH?
- UGH!
WHERE IS HE?
- PROBABLY CHATTING UP SOME TOOTSIE
IN A SLEAZY ROADSIDE TAVERN, COMPLAINING HOW HE AND HIS WIFE
HAVEN'T SLEPT IN THE SAME BED SINCE--
- HE'S BACK THERE!
- SHAZAM.
- GOT TO ADMIT, I REALLY THOUGHT HE WAS IN TROUBLE.
- OPTIMIST.
ARE THOSE SAMMY DAVIS' PANTS?
- LET'S HEAR IT FOR MY LOVELY
AND VERY TALENTED ASSISTANT STACY
AND HER OSCAR-WORTHY ACTING JOB.
YOUR CROCODILE TEARS BRING OUT THE TIGER IN ME.
[purrs creepily]
- MAYBE STACY CAN TEACH ME TO CRY.
- IT WOULD BE USEFUL AT HOME
AND IN A VARIETY OF SOCIAL SITUATIONS.
- DRIVE HOME SAFE. TITHE YOUR EARNINGS.
WELCOME, SINGLE SCIENTOLOGISTS.
- DID I MISS ANYTHING?
- NOTHING GOOD.
UPCHUCK SURVIVED.
- WHERE'S SIR SWANKY?
SORRY, I MEAN--
- WE BROKE UP.
- NO KIDDING.
- AT LEAST NOW I CAN ADMIT I DIDN'T LIKE HIM.
- WHAT IF WE GET BACK TOGETHER?
- OH, CRAP. - RELAX.
- THAT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN.
YOU KNEW HE WAS A JERK, DIDN'T YOU?
- I DIDN'T FEEL IT WAS MY PLACE
TO STATE THAT INCREDIBLY OBVIOUS FACT--
I MEAN IMPOSE MY SUBJECTIVE OPINION.
- I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN WHEN YOU DIDN'T TRY TO STEAL HIM FROM ME.
[together] HEY!
- WHAT'D I SAY?
OH, MAYBE I DID ALL THAT GOOFY STUFF
'CAUSE I WAS A LITTLE TOO EAGER
TO BE HANGING OUT WITH A COOL GUY.
- NO, YOU WERE RIGHT ABOUT FUN BEING FUN.
I'M GONNA TRY AND REMEMBER THAT,
ON THE OFF CHANCE THAT ONE DAY
I ACTUALLY ALLOW MYSELF TO HAVE SOME.
- I GUESS NATHAN'S STYLISH GOOD LOOKS BLINDED ME
TO THE PROFOUND JERKINESS UNDERNEATH.
- YOU ALWAYS DID HAVE A WEAKNESS FOR THE CUTE ONES.
- $80, $90, $100.
NOT BAD, CONSIDERING MOST OF THOSE CLOTHES
CAME FROM THE ATTIC.
- HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THE BEAUTY AND ELEGANCE
OF A POSTWAR AMERICAN PIZZA?
- I GUESS I'M BUYING SINCE I'VE GOT THE 100 BUCKS.
- $90. REMEMBER?
YOU HAVE TO GIVE $10 TO MS. LEE.
- OH, YEAH.
DAMN POSTHYPNOTIC SUGGESTION.
- ♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
♪ LA LA LA ♪
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