- ♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
- THIS LOOKS WELL-BALANCED.
- EW, THIS IS LIKE THAT MOVIE ANGELA'S ASHTRAY.
- JAKE, DID YOU FORGET TO BUY LASAGNA?
- WE ARE THROUGH PAYING THROUGH THE NOSE
FOR SECOND-RATE FROZEN FOOD.
- THAT'S A RELIEF.
THE COINS WERE MAKING MY NOSTRILS BLEED.
- THANKS TO BASEMENT BOB'S BULK RATE STEAK AND SAUSAGE.COM,
TONIGHT WE LUXURIATE
IN THE MAJESTY OF NEAR WHOLESALE PRIME RIB.
- WHAT? IF THE FASHION CLUB FINDS OUT I'M EATING BULK RATE--
- OR EATING AT ALL.
- DAMN IT,
WE'VE GOT FOUR MOUTHS TO FEED.
FOOD COSTS MONEY.
- I KNEW IT!
- BUT DARIA WILL BE AWAY AT COLLEGE SOON,
AND THEN THERE WILL ONLY BE THREE MOUTHS TO FEED.
- YES, I'M SURE THE SUDDEN WINDFALL
WILL MORE THAN MAKE UP FOR TUITION, ROOM, AND BOARD.
- TUITION?
OH, GOD!
- DARIA, I KNOW; WHY DON'T YOU GET
ONE OF THOSE SCHOLARSHIP THINGIES?
- WHY, QUINN, THAT'S AN EXCELLENT IDEA.
- YEAH, IF ONLY THEY DIDN'T GIVE THEM
TO PEOPLE WITH WELL-ROUNDED, BALANCED INTERESTS.
YOU KNOW, SOMEBODY ELSE.
[doorbell rings]
- THAT MUST BE THE PRIME RIB.
- I JUST ASSUMED IT WOULD BE DEAD.
AND HERE IT IS RINGING THE DOORBELL.
- YOU KNOW, DARIA,
THERE ARE SCHOLARSHIPS
EXCLUSIVELY FOR ACADEMIC ACHIEVEMENT.
WINNING ONE OF THOSE
COULD MAKE UP FOR YOUR LACK OF EXTRACURRICULARS
COME COLLEGE ADMISSIONS TIME.
IT WOULDN'T HURT TO LOOK INTO IT, RIGHT?
- [grunting]
ALL RIGHT!
FEAST YOUR EYES ON THIS.
HUH?
- EW.
THEY LOOK LIKE HOT DOGS.
- MANY HOT DOGS.
- HEY, THAT'S NOT WHAT I ORDERED.
- JAKE!
- WAIT, HEY, MEAT GUY!
COME BACK HERE!
- CRIMINALS BEWARE.
THIS DETECTIVE WON'T TALK, BUT YOU WILL.
MIME AND PUNISHMENT NEXT, ON SICK, SAD WORLD.
- I DON'T LIKE WHERE THIS IS GOING.
- I HAVEN'T SAID ANYTHING YET.
- SO THERE'S STILL TIME TO FLEE?
- LOOK, DARIA,
THE MORE I THINK ABOUT APPLYING FOR AN ACADEMIC SCHOLARSHIP,
THE MORE I LIKE IT.
THERE'S ALMOST NOTHING ON YOUR HIGH SCHOOL RECORD
TO SHOW THAT YOU'RE MOTIVATED AND INVOLVED.
- COULD THAT BE BECAUSE I'M NOT?
- DARIA, ARE YOU TELLING ME YOU DON'T PLAN TO GO TO COLLEGE?
- OF COURSE I DO.
- THEN ARE YOU TELLING ME
YOU DON'T WANT YOUR CHOICE OF SCHOOLS?
THEN PROMISE ME YOU'LL AT LEAST LOOK INTO
SOME KIND OF PRIZE OR SCHOLARSHIP, OKAY?
NOT FOR ME, NOT FOR YOUR FATHER;
FOR YOU.
- [sighs]
ALL RIGHT.
DAMN.
THESE SCHOLARSHIP FOUNDATIONS
ALL WANT YOU TO BE AN EXPERT IN SOMETHING:
"CONCERT VIOLINIST," "NATIONALLY RANKED GYMNAST,"
"PUBLISHED AUTHOR."
- GOD, DARIA, WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING ALL THIS TIME?
ACTING LIKE A TEENAGER?
- HEY, HERE'S ONE FOR YOU.
"HAVE YOU EVER HAD ANYTHING SHOWN IN A MUSEUM?"
REGIONAL'S OKAY.
- YEAH, LIKE I'M GONNA FILL OUT A FIVE-POUND APPLICATION
AND KISS THE BUTTS OF SOME REVIEW BOARD
JUST FOR A FEW THOUSAND BUCKS TO GO TO A SCHOOL
THAT I'LL PROBABLY HATE ANYWAY.
UM, NOT THAT YOU SHOULDN'T DO IT.
- HMM.
HERE'S SOMETHING.
"THE WIZARD FOUNDATION WILL AWARD A $10,000 PRIZE
"TO THE STUDENT WHO BEST EMBODIES
THE WIZARD PURSUIT OF EXCELLENCE."
YOU'VE GOT TO ADMIRE THEIR VAGUENESS.
- "THE PURSUIT OF EXCELLENCE."
SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO ACTUALLY CATCH IT?
- GREAT.
THERE'S AN ESSAY.
"HOW WOULD YOU CHANGE THE WORLD IF YOU COULD?"
I KNEW I SHOULD HAVE TAPED THE MISS AMERICA PAGEANT.
- WELL, IF YOU NEED ANY ILLUSTRATIONS FOR YOUR ESSAY,
I'M PRETTY GOOD AT PAINTING MUSHROOM CLOUDS.
- HEY, DARIA.
I KNOW I'M CRAZY TO ASK,
BUT ONE OF THE PAPER'S EDITORS QUIT.
COULD YOU USE ANOTHER EXTRACURRICULAR ACTIVITY
FOR YOUR TRANSCRIPT?
- TECHNICALLY, NO,
SINCE "ANOTHER" IMPLIES I HAVE ANY TO BEGIN WITH.
- WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT YOUR COLLEGE APPLICATIONS?
- GEE, HOW REFRESHING.
A LECTURE FROM A FELLOW STUDENT
JUST LIKE THE ONES I GET FROM MY MOTHER.
THANKS TO HER,
I SPENT THE WHOLE NIGHT ON THE WEB
LOOKING INTO SCHOLARSHIPS.
- REALLY?
FIND ANYTHING?
- THE CLOSEST I CAME WAS THE WIZARD FOUNDATION PRIZE.
- THE SOFTWARE COMPANY?
- JUST TO APPLY
THEY MAKE YOU FILL OUT A FORM AND WRITE AN ESSAY.
- UM, DARIA, THAT'S PRETTY MUCH PAR FOR THE COURSE.
- DARN.
I GUESS THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A FREE $10,000.
- HMM, WELL, GOOD LUCK.
- IF I ACTUALLY FOLLOW THROUGH.
BUT I'M HOPING TO COME
TO MY SENSES BEFORE THAT HAPPENS.
"IN SUM, MY WORLD WOULD BE MADE FAIR
"THROUGH THE SIMPLE STEP OF ELIMINATING ALL MONEY.
"POLITICIANS COULD SERVE THE PEOPLE THEY REPRESENT
"INSTEAD OF THE ONES PAYING FOR THEIR ATTACK ADS.
"CEOs COULD STOP FOULING THE PLANET
"AND CHEATING THEIR WORKERS
"JUST TO KEEP THEIR STOCK PRICES PUMPED,
"AND OF COURSE,
"PROMISING YOUNG STUDENTS, SUCH AS MYSELF,
"COULD ACTUALLY STUDY
"INSTEAD OF SPENDING THEIR TIME
GROVELING IN SCHOLARSHIP ESSAYS."
- WOW, YOU'RE REALLY GONNA SEND THAT IT?
- WHY WOULDN'T I?
- THE WHOLE POINT OF THESE SCHOLARSHIPS
IS TO SHOW HOW MARVELOUSLY WELL-ADJUSTED YOU ARE.
YOU'RE COMING OFF ALL OBSERVANT AND HONEST.
YOU KNOW, ANTISOCIAL.
- LOOK, THIS IS HOW I WRITE.
I WOULDN'T WANT TO GET THE PRIZE BASED ON SOME PHONY ESSAY
AND PHONY PERSONALITY.
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?
- THE UMBILICAL CORD,
SINCE YOU WERE OBVIOUSLY BORN YESTERDAY.
- DARIA, DID I HEAR YOU READING YOUR SCHOLARSHIP ESSAY?
- JUDGING BY HOW CALM YOU ARE, I'D SAY, NO, YOU DIDN'T.
- DARIA--
- YOU GIRLS READY FOR SOME MORE HOT DOG SLICES?
- UM, THANKS, MR. MORGENDORFFER.
BUT I THINK I'M JUST EXACTLY AS WOOZY AS I WANT TO BE.
- HEY, HONEY.
HOW DOES HOT DOG JALAPEÑO HOTTIE SOUND FOR TONIGHT?
- KIND OF LIKE THE SOUND OF FOUR PEOPLE RACING
TO BEAT EACH OTHER TO THE BATHROOM.
- JAKE, SEND THOSE HOT DOGS BACK.
- I CAN'T.
I BROKE THE SEAL.
- BUT THEY MADE THE MISTAKE.
- WELL, IF YOU WANT TO GET TECHNICAL ABOUT IT,
I MADE THE MISTAKE.
I KIND OF TYPED IN THE WRONG PRODUCT NUMBER.
DAMN FUZZY COMPUTER SCREEN.
- YES, YOU CAN EAT OVER.
- IS THIS WHAT YOU IN THE LEGAL PROFESSION
REFER TO AS "DISCOVERY"?
- UM, THIS IS FOR YOU.
IT'S FROM THE WIZARD FOUNDATION.
I DIDN'T REALIZE YOU'D ALREADY SENT IN THE APPLICATION.
- YOU WEREN'T MEANT TO.
OH, GREAT.
NOW I HAVE TO BE INTERVIEWED BY THESE PEOPLE.
- DARIA, YOU GOT AN INTERVIEW?
- YEAH, ME AND 99 OTHER FINALISTS.
TALK ABOUT FEELING SPECIAL.
- BUT YOU SHOULD FEEL SPECIAL.
YOU'RE A FINALIST.
YOU'RE ON YOUR WAY.
- BESIDES, EVEN MAKING IT THIS FAR
WILL IMPRESS A COLLEGE ADMISSIONS BOARD.
IT MEANS THE WIZARD FOUNDATION'S RECOGNIZED
WHAT A UNIQUE INDIVIDUAL YOU ARE.
- HUH.
WHY DOES THIS SAY "OCCUPANT"?
- HEY, DARIA, WHAT'S UP?
- ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW THAT WIZARD SCHOLARSHIP I TOLD YOU ABOUT?
I MADE THE FINALS.
- THAT'S GREAT; SO DID I.
- YOU APPLIED?
- YEAH, THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW ABOUT IT.
- LETTING YOU KNOW ABOUT IT?
- COLLEAGUES, CONFRERES, AMICOS DI SCOLASTICO.
- GEE, TRILINGUAL OBNOXIOUSNESS.
- I SEE FROM THIS LIST THAT I DOWNLOADED
THAT WE'VE ALL BEEN DEEMED WORTHY OF THE TITLE
"WIZARD FOUNDATION FINALIST."
AND I, FOR ONE, AM BASKING IN THE GLOW
OF YOU TWO LOVELY LADIES,
NOT TO MENTION MY OWN LUMINESCENCE.
[growling]
- HOW MANY PEOPLE DID YOU TELL ABOUT THIS SCHOLARSHIP?
- ARE YOU KIDDING?
THE FEWER PEOPLE WHO KNOW ABOUT THIS, THE BETTER.
I MEAN, YOU KNOW,
I'M KIND OF SURPRISED YOU APPLIED,
WHAT WITH THE WAY YOU WERE TALKING.
- HMM, SURPRISE, SURPRISE.
- YEAH, WELL, NO HARD FEELINGS, RIGHT?
- WHY WOULD YOU HAVE ANY?
- DID YOU KNOW THAT THINLY SLICED FRIED WIENERS
ARE A FUN AND PROTEINACEOUS PARTY FOOD?
- DARIA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING
TO PREPARE FOR THE WIZARD INTERVIEW?
- NOTHING.
WITH AMERICA'S STUDIOUS SWEETHEART,
JODIE LANGDON, IN THE COMPETITION,
I DON'T STAND A CHANCE.
- JODIE APPLIED TOO?
- AFTER SHE HEARD ABOUT IT FROM ME.
- WELL, IT'S A DOG-EAT-DOG WORLD.
YOU MIGHT AS WELL GET USED TO IT.
- GEE, I DON'T THINK I COULD GET ANY MORE USED TO EATING DOGS
THAN I AM RIGHT NOW.
- I MEAN, THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH COMPETITION
AS LONG AS YOU RISE TO THE OCCASION,
EVEN IF YOU NEED A LITTLE OUTSIDE HELP.
- OKAY, THAT WAS SHOE NUMBER ONE.
- I JUST HAPPENED TO HEAR ABOUT A COACH
WHO COULD HELP YOU PREPARE FOR THE INTERVIEW.
- WHAT A MAD COINCIDENCE.
- A COUPLE OF SESSIONS WITH DR. DANADA,
AND YOU'RE A GUARANTEED MASTER
OF SPECIAL INTERVIEWING TECHNIQUES AND STRATEGIES.
- ISN'T HAVING SOMEONE TELL YOU HOW TO ACT
AND WHAT TO SAY CHEATING?
- HE'S JUST TEACHING YOU
WHAT YOU'D EVENTUALLY HAVE LEARNED FROM EXPERIENCE ANYWAY.
- YOU MEAN THAT A SCHOLARSHIP SUPPOSEDLY BASED ON MERIT
CAN BE BOUGHT?
- FEISTY LADY.
- NO, I WON'T SHOW YOU MY BELLY BUTTON.
- HMM, THEN PERHAPS YOU CAN ENLIGHTEN ME
ON SOME OF THE SPECIAL EFFECTS
YOU'RE PLANNING FOR YOUR WIZARD INTERVIEW:
ACCOMPANYING VISUALS, CHARTS, GRAPHS, DANCING ANIMALS?
- SORRY, IT'S JUST GONNA BE ME AND THE MORMON TABERNACLE CHOIR.
- YOU KNOW, SINCE WE ARE IN THE COMPETITION TOGETHER--
- ACTUALLY, WE'RE IN IT SEPARATELY.
- TECHNICALLY.
- BUT WE CAN STILL HELP ONE ANOTHER, SAY,
BY SWAPPING ESSAYS TO GAIN A BROADER PERSPECTIVE
ON WHAT THEY LIKE?
- NOT INTERESTED.
THANKS.
DRIVE HOME SAFE.
- OH, TART-TONGUED TEMPTRESS.
IF YOU HELP ME,
I MIGHT AFFORD YOU AN OPPORTUNITY TO INVEST
IN MY DOT-COM COMPANY.
- YOU'VE STARTED A DOT-COM?
- A MODEST EXOTIC CANDIES VENTURE,
NOT UNLIKE THE SMALL BUSINESS THAT WIZARD'S ILLUSTRIOUS CEO,
MARK STRONG, BEGAN IN HIS HIGH SCHOOL DAYS.
CARE FOR A WASABI GUMMY FISH IMPORTED FROM TOKYO?
IT'S JUST THE KIND MR. STRONG HAPPENS TO ENJOY.
- HOW DO YOU KNOW?
- EXTENSIVE RESEARCH INTO HIS LIKES AND DISLIKES
AND THE ORDER HE'S ALREADY PLACED ON MY SITE.
- SO IT LOOKS LIKE YOU WERE RIGHT.
BETWEEN SUPER-JODIE AND WWW UPCHUCK,
THERE'S NO WAY I'M GONNA WIN THAT SCHOLARSHIP
WITHOUT SOME KIND OF HIGHLY UNCHARACTERISTIC BUTT KISSING.
- OH, I'M SURE YOU'LL FIND A CHARACTERISTIC WAY TO DO IT.
- WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
- NOTHING; YOU GONNA EAT THAT?
- DON'T YOU THINK I'M IN A LOUSY POSITION?
- SURE, SURE.
I JUST CAN'T GET WORKED UP ABOUT IT.
THAT'S ALL.
- HEY, GUYS; MIND IF I JOIN YOU?
- THE MORE, THE MERRIER.
THAT'S YOUR MOTTO, ISN'T IT?
- LOOK, I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG.
THAT SCHOLARSHIP IS OPEN TO EVERYONE,
AND YOU SAID YOU DIDN'T EVEN THINK YOU WERE GONNA APPLY.
WHY CAN'T WE JUST HOPE ONE OF US GETS A BREAK?
- GEE, WHICH ONE OF US DO YOU HOPE GETS A BREAK?
- LET'S LEVEL THE PLAYING FIELD.
MY DAD FOUND A COACH WHO PREPS PEOPLE FOR INTERVIEWS,
AND I WANTED YOU TO KNOW ABOUT IT.
HERE'S HIS CARD.
- DR. DANADA.
OF COURSE.
I ALREADY KNEW ABOUT HIM, BUT THANKS.
- OH, A COACH.
THAT SOUNDS FAIR TO EVERYBODY ELSE.
- IS SOMETHING BUGGING YOU?
- NOT A BIT.
I THINK AFTER SCHOOL I'LL GO HOME, SURF THE WEB,
SEE IF THERE ARE ANY SCHOLARSHIPS FOR UNDERACHIEVERS.
AT LEAST I'LL KNOW I'M NOT COMPETING
WITH ANYONE WHO WAS COACHED.
- SHE ALMOST SOUNDS LIKE YOU.
- DOES THAT MEAN I'VE BEEN SOUNDING LIKE YOU?
- HI!
- IF ANY OF US STARTS TO SOUND LIKE HER,
IT'S TIME TO PANIC.
[doorbell rings]
- HI, MR. MORGENDORFFER.
I'M HERE TO SEE DARIA.
- SURE THING.
BUT FIRST, CARE FOR A CARAMEL POP POPCORN DOG?
- UM, THANKS.
- YOU KNOW, I COULD BE ON TO SOMETHING HERE.
A PUSHCART, A NICE BIG UMBRELLA, AND HEY,
I'M OPEN FOR BUSINESS.
- I'VE GOT TO HELP DARIA
PREPARE FOR HER INTERVIEW NOW.
- WHY, GOD?
WHY ARE THOSE COMPUTER SCREENS SO DAMN HARD TO READ?
- HEY, THANKS FOR HELPING ME OUT.
- I JUST HOPE THIS LITTLE RUN-THROUGH
WILL BE ENOUGH TO DO ANY GOOD.
- OKAY, NOW, I'M A HUMORLESS SUIT
FROM THE WIZARD FOUNDATION.
AND YOU'RE SOME JADED HIGH SCHOOL SNOT;
IN OTHER WORDS, YOU.
- HOW FLATTERING.
- ALL RIGHT, DARIA.
LET'S SAY WE HIRE YOU TO WORK AT WIZARD.
NOT VERY LIKELY, BUT HEY.
NOW, YOUR FIRST ASSIGNMENT IS TO FIRE HALF YOUR EMPLOYEES.
DO YOU, "A," FIRE BY LOTTERY,
"B," FIRE BY SENIORITY,
OR "C," JUST GET RID OF ANY WOMEN AND MINORITIES
WHO HAPPEN TO HAVE SNUCK THROUGH THE GATES?
- OKAY, THANKS, TOM.
VERY HELPFUL.
- I'M TRYING TO REPRESENT WIZARD ACCURATELY
SO YOU'LL BE COMFORTABLE WITH THE FACE OF EVIL
WHEN IT STARES INTO YOUR SOUL.
- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
- YOU'VE HEARD ABOUT THEIR HIRING POLICIES, HAVEN'T YOU?
- I MUST HAVE FALLEN BEHIND IN MY ANNUAL REPORTS AGAIN.
- SO THEN YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT THEIR MEASLY TWO WOMEN VPs
AND ONE AFRICAN-AMERICAN IN SENIOR MANAGEMENT.
- REALLY?
I WONDER IF JODIE'S HEARD ABOUT THIS.
- THAT'S IT?
NO RIGHTEOUS INDIGNATION?
NO PROTESTING OF SEXISM AND RACISM?
THIS IS WHERE YOU USUALLY LEAP UP
AND SWEAR YOU WON'T BE CO-OPTED BY THESE BOTTOM-FEEDING WEASELS.
- YEAH, IT IS.
- SO WHY AREN'T YOU LEAPING AND SWEARING?
- UM, MY FOOT'S ASLEEP?
SO BASICALLY, THEIR HIRING PRACTICES
AND EMPLOYEE RELATIONS AREN'T THAT DIFFERENT
FROM THE KU KLUX KLAN'S,
IF YOU DISREGARD THE DENTAL PLAN.
- WELL, YOU MAY BE OVERSTATING THINGS A LITTLE.
BUT I GET YOUR POINT.
THEY'RE NOT WHAT YOU'D CALL PROGRESSIVE.
- NOT PROGRESSIVE?
- HEY, DARIA.
SUMMIT MEETING OF THE WIZARD FINALISTS?
- DAD, DARIA FOUND OUT SOME KIND OF QUESTIONABLE THINGS
ABOUT WIZARD'S PERSONNEL POLICIES.
- [laughing] NO KIDDING.
I GUESS YOU DIDN'T SEE
THE INTERVIEW WITH THEIR CEO IN THE JOURNAL.
TALK ABOUT YOUR REDNECK BILLIONAIRES.
[laughs]
- YOU ALREADY KNEW ABOUT THIS?
- THEY HAVEN'T PROMOTED
A WOMAN OR A MINORITY IN THREE YEARS.
- SO WHO BETTER TO WIN THE PRIZE THAN A BRILLIANT YOUNG WOMAN,
ESPECIALLY IF IT TURNS OUT TO BE A BRILLIANT YOUNG BLACK WOMAN?
- THAT IS A GOOD POINT.
- I THOUGHT YOU WOULDN'T WANT
TO HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH WIZARD
ONCE YOU FOUND OUT.
- TRYING TO REDUCE THE COMPETITION
BY GETTING ME TO DROP OUT, HUH?
- NO, I THOUGHT WE'D BOTH DROP OUT.
- AND WHO WILL WIN THE SCHOLARSHIP THEN?
- HUH?
- LOOK, DARIA.
WIZARD'S POLICIES HAVE BEEN PREHISTORIC, YEAH.
BUT SOMEONE SOMEWHERE IN THE ORGANIZATION
IS TRYING TO ADDRESS THAT,
OR THEY WOULDN'T HAVE CREATED THIS PRIZE.
NOW, DO YOU WALK AWAY
BECAUSE THE GUY AT THE TOP IS AN IDIOT,
OR DO YOU JOIN THE PEOPLE
TRYING TO CHANGE THE WAY HE DOES BUSINESS?
- HOW DO I KNOW THEY'RE NOT JUST TRYING TO MAKE HIM LOOK GOOD
WITHOUT ACTUALLY CHANGING ANYTHING AT ALL?
- THEY WON'T CHANGE ANYTHING AT ALL IF KIDS LIKE YOU TWO
DON'T PUSH YOUR WAY ONTO THEIR RADAR
AND SHOW THEM THE ERROR OF THEIR WAYS.
IF YOU DON'T GO UP TO THE GATE AND RING THE BIG BELL,
THEY'VE KEPT YOU OUT WITHOUT HAVING TO DO A THING.
RING THE BIG BELL, DARIA.
RING THE BIG BELL!
- BIG BELL?
- OKAY, SO MY DAD THINKS HE'S MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
OR QUASIMODO.
I'M NOT QUITE SURE.
LISTEN, I'VE GOT TO GO,
OR I'LL BE LATE FOR MY COACHING SESSION.
DID YOU SIGN UP WITH DR. DANADA YET?
- MAKE NO MISTAKE ABOUT THIS, DARIA.
KNOWLEDGE IS POWER.
THE KEY TO SCORING BIG ON ANY INTERVIEW
IS KNOWING WHAT THEY WANT
AND THEN DELIVERING THAT PRODUCT.
- I'M JUST PRAYING THAT THEY WANT BULK-RATE HOT DOGS.
- DARIA, THE PRODUCT IS YOU.
SUCCESSFUL ALUMNI REFLECT WELL ON COLLEGES AND FOUNDATIONS.
SO YOU NEED TO PROJECT "WINNER" THE MINUTE YOU WALK IN THE DOOR.
DRESS FOR SUCCESS.
LOOK THAT INTERVIEWER IN THE EYE,
AND DAZZLE HIM WITH A MILLION-DOLLAR SMILE.
- SQUANDER MY MILLION-DOLLAR SMILE
ON A $10,000 PRIZE?
THAT'S CRAZY TALK.
- DARIA, IF YOU DON'T MIND MY SAYING SO,
YOU'RE GIVING OFF MIXED SIGNALS ABOUT WANTING THIS AWARD.
YOU DO WANT THE SCHOLARSHIP?
- I GUESS, BUT NOT IF IT TAKES DISHONESTY TO GET IT.
- IS IT DISHONEST TO SAY YOU'RE DESERVING OF THE WIZARD PRIZE?
- SEE, NOW,
THAT SPEAKS DIRECTLY TO THE AMBIGUITIES
AT ISSUE HERE.
THE PRIZE IS GIVEN BY A COMPANY
WITH LESS THAN STELLAR ETHICS.
SO WHICH WOULD MAKE ME MORE DESERVING OF THE PRIZE,
ACTING ETHICALLY OR ACTING UNETHICALLY?
- LET'S TALK ABOUT WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO WEAR.
[bell ringing]
- SO BASICALLY, DANADA WAS A COMPLETE WASTE
OF TIME AND MONEY.
I'LL NEVER LEARN TO SUCK UP LIKE JODIE.
- YOU SHOULDN'T ANYWAY.
- YOU'RE RIGHT.
- YOU GOT TO BE YOURSELF WHEN YOU SUCK UP.
- WHY DO YOU KEEP SAYING THAT?
MY WHOLE PROBLEM IS THAT I'M NOT SUCKING UP.
- REALLY?
THEN WHY'D YOU GO TO THE COACH IN THE FIRST PLACE?
FOR THAT MATTER,
WHY APPLY FOR A SCHOLARSHIP AT ALL?
- WHAT?
- IT'S ALL PART OF BUYING INTO THE SYSTEM,
AND BUYING INTO THE SYSTEM
IS ANOTHER WAY OF SAYING "SUCKING UP."
- WHO MADE YOU THE CHICAGO EIGHT?
THIS ISN'T THE WAY YOU USUALLY THINK.
- WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT HOW I THINK?
JUST BECAUSE A PERSON DOESN'T GO
AROUND APPLYING FOR SCHOLARSHIPS
AND USING EVERY $10 WORD THEY KNOW,
IT DOESN'T MEAN THEY'RE STUPID.
- WHO SAID YOU WERE--
- MR. BROWER, ALLOW ME
TO PERSONALLY WELCOME YOU TO LAWNDALE HIGH.
WE ARE VERY HAPPY
TO HAVE THREE FINALISTS FOR THE WIZARD SCHOLARSHIP.
WE'LL TALK LATER ABOUT SOME OF YOUR SURVEILLANCE SOFTWARE.
- LET'S BEGIN.
MISS LANGDON,
WHAT WOULD YOU SAY ARE YOUR STRENGTHS
AS A STUDENT AND A HUMAN BEING?
- THAT'S A GOOD QUESTION.
MY STRENGTHS ARE THAT I QUESTION AND I CARE.
AND I'M NOT AFRAID TO GO FOR IT WITH MY WHOLE HEART AND SOUL.
- MR. RUTTHEIMER,
YOUR STRENGTHS?
- ASIDE FROM MY FAR-FLUNG REPUTATION AS A PEOPLE PERSON,
I'D SAY MY STRENGTHS INCLUDE A DARING ENTREPRENEURIAL BENT
COUPLED WITH AN UNQUENCHABLE NEED TO SUCCEED.
NICE TIE, BY THE WAY.
- MISS MORGENDORFFER?
- I WOULD SAY THAT MY MAIN STRENGTH
IS THAT I DON'T BABBLE.
- UM, MISS LANGDON,
WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST WEAKNESS?
- I BELIEVE MY GREATEST WEAKNESS
IS THAT SOMETIMES I CARE TOO MUCH
AND TRY TOO HARD.
AND AS A CONSEQUENCE,
I DON'T ALWAYS TAKE TIME TO SMELL THE ROSES.
- [sighs]
- TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH,
I HAVE A WEAKNESS FOR WASABI GUMMY FISH.
CARE FOR ONE?
- MY MAIN WEAKNESS
IS MY INABILITY TO ANSWER STOCK QUESTIONS
WITH STOCK ANSWERS.
NOW, FOR MY LAST QUESTION,
WHY DO YOU DESERVE THE WIZARD SCHOLARSHIP,
MISS LANGDON?
- MR. BROWER, I BELIEVE IN MYSELF,
AND I HOPE TO ACHIEVE A LOT IN THIS WORLD
AND THEN USE EVERYTHING I'VE LEARNED
TO GIVE BACK TO MY COMMUNITY
THE WAY WIZARD IS DOING NOW WITH THIS WONDERFUL SCHOLARSHIP.
- MR. RUTTHEIMER?
- AWESOME QUESTION.
I WAS THINKING ABOUT JUST THAT
WHEN I STARTED MY DOT-COM COMPANY.
BECAUSE I'M JUST THE KIND OF GO-GETTER
THAT THE WIZARD SCHOLARSHIP WAS CREATED FOR.
THANK YOU!
- [sighs]
MISS MORGENDORFFER,
WHY DO YOU DESERVE THE WIZARD SCHOLARSHIP?
- WHETHER OR NOT I DESERVE ANYTHING IS IRRELEVANT.
ASSUMING YOU RUN YOUR SCHOLARSHIP PROGRAM
THE SAME WAY YOU RUN YOUR COMPANY,
SINCE THE TOKEN WOMEN AND MINORITIES YOU HIRE
RARELY MOVE INTO UPPER MANAGEMENT
AND SINCE I WON'T GIVE THE ANSWERS YOU WANT TO HEAR
IN HOPES OF SOMEHOW BUCKING THE ODDS,
I GUESS YOU CAN JUST PASS ON ME
AS IF I WERE ONE OF YOUR FEMALE EMPLOYEES UP FOR PROMOTION.
- MISS MORGENDORFFER,
YOU SEEM TO HAVE A BIT OF AN ATTITUDE PROBLEM.
ARE YOU TRYING TO SABOTAGE YOURSELF?
- I'M RESPONDING TO YOUR QUESTIONS TRUTHFULLY.
SO I GUESS THE ANSWER IS "YES."
- TOO BAD; ACCORDING TO MY NOTES,
YOU GOT HIGH MARKS ON THE LIGHT-HEARTED SPOOF
YOU WROTE FOR AN ESSAY.
- "LIGHT-HEARTED SPOOF?"
- SO NONE OF US
IS WIZARD SCHOLARSHIP MATERIAL.
- I REALLY THOUGHT I HAD A GOOD SHOT.
[sighs]
OH, HELL.
MAYBE MY ANSWERS WERE TOO DOWN-PAT.
- IS IT POSSIBLE I IMPORTED THE WRONG WASABI GUMMY FISH?
- WELL, I KNOW WHY I DIDN'T GET IT.
- OH, YEAH. - NO QUESTION THERE.
- DEFINITELY. - HEY!
- COME ON, DARIA.
YOU DIDN'T WANT IT.
- NO, I DID WANT IT.
IT JUST TOOK ME A WHILE
TO FIGURE OUT HOW BADLY I WANTED IT.
- HOW BADLY WAS THAT?
- NOT BADLY ENOUGH TO SMILE AND LIE FOR THE AWARD,
BUT BADLY ENOUGH TO GET MAD AT YOU FOR APPLYING.
SORRY.
- I'M SORRY.
I SHOULD HAVE TOLD YOU I WAS APPLYING.
I CAN'T BELIEVE I DIDN'T.
- I CAN'T BELIEVE I WENT TO THAT COACH
AFTER ALL MY HIGH AND MIGHTY POSTURING
ABOUT INTEGRITY.
- WHAT ABOUT BOTH OF US SUCKING UP
TO THOSE RACIST, SEXIST GOONS AT WIZARD?
- YEAH.
WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT WE'D BE ABLE
TO PURSUE EXCELLENCE AND SCUMMINESS
BOTH AT THE SAME TIME?
- OH, WHY COULDN'T IT HAVE BEEN ME?
- JODIE TOLD ME
ABOUT THE BIG BRUSH-OFF FROM WIZARD.
SORRY, KID.
- WHY WERE YOU SO ANTI-SCHOLARSHIP?
- NO REASON,
EXCEPT MAYBE SEEING THE BIG BRAINS
COMPETE FOR A PRIZE BASED ON THEIR ACADEMIC ACHIEVEMENT--
WELL-DESERVED, DON'T GET ME WRONG--
MIGHT POSSIBLY HAVE MADE
LITTLE JANIE FEEL A BIT--- I DON'T KNOW.
- LEFT OUT?
- LOOK, I'M GOOD AT THE THINGS I'M GOOD AT.
GRADES ISN'T ONE OF THEM.
[sighs]
WE NEVER USED TO THINK ABOUT STUFF LIKE THIS.
- I KNOW.
WHAT'S HAPPENED TO US?
- I DON'T KNOW.
SELLING OUT? - BUYING IN?
- JOINING THE SYSTEM?
- BEING CO-OPTED?
- MAYBE WE'RE JUST GETTING OLDER.
- YEAH.
I FELT A TWINGE OF OSTEOPOROSIS
WHEN I WOKE UP THIS MORNING.
- SO ARE YOU WILLING TO ADMIT YET
THAT YOU'RE MORE COMPETITIVE THAN YOU THOUGHT?
- COME ON.
IF I WERE REALLY COMPETITIVE,
I'D BE IN THE PARKING LOT RIGHT NOW
SQUARING OFF WITH THE REST OF THEM.
- WELCOME TO LAWNDALE HIGH'S
FIRST ANNUAL HOT DIGGITY DOG EATING CONTEST,
COURTESY OF JAKE MORGENDORFFER CONSULTING.
FIRST PRIZE IS A YEAR SUPPLY OF GRADE "A" QUALITY
[quietly] BULK-RATE
[normal volume] DELICIOUS HOT DOGS.
SO WITHOUT FURTHER ADIEU, LET'S BEGIN THE FESTIVITIES,
AND MAY THE BEST PORKER WIN.
[snorting]
[whistle blares]
[crowd cheering]
- ♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
♪ ♪
♪ LA, LA, LA ♪