(THUD)
HELP?
WELL, HE MIGHT NOTICE YOU FASTER
IF, UM, IF YOU LET ME DO A LITTLE WORK ON THAT T-SHIRT OF YOURS.
A FEW RIPS, A FEW TEARS.
DO WONDERS FOR YOUR TIPS.
MY WHAT?
YOUR TIPS.
YOUR GRATUITIES.
(LAUGHS)
WHAT DID YOU THINK I SAID?
NOTHING!
YES.
OH. FINALLY.
COULD YOU MAKE ME WAIT A LITTLE BIT LONGER THE NEXT TIME?
SORRY, I, UH...
GUESS I FIND YOU A LITTLE INTIMIDATING
NOW THAT YOU'VE TRIED TO RAM YOUR TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT.
I NEED 2 DRAFTS, A BOILERMAKER,
AND I THOUGHT WE AGREED TO NEVER SPEAK OF THAT AGAIN.
YOU KNOW, I DON'T REMEMBER HAVING THAT CONVERSATION.
WE DIDN'T. IT WAS IMPLIED.
SOCIAL CONVENTIONS DICTATE THAT WHEN SOMETHING EMBARRASSING HAPPENS,
WE ALL TACITLY AGREE TO NEVER SPEAK OF THEM AGAIN.
IT'S WHAT KEEPS US GOING AS A SOCIETY.
THAT...AND ALCOHOL.
YEAH, WELL, I DON'T.
YOU DON'T WHAT?
DON'T AGREE.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I REALLY DON'T FEEL
LIKE GETTING INTO A PHILOSOPHICAL DISCUSSION ABOUT THIS.
I JUST WOULD LIKE YOU TO--
OH, GOOD GOD!
YOU TWO AREN'T FIGHTING AGAIN, ARE YOU?
NO, NO. APPARENTLY, WE'RE HAVING SOME KIND OF...
UH, PHILOSOPHICAL DISCUSSION.
OH. GOOD. 'CAUSE I'M LEAVING.
OFF TO REHEARSAL, WHERE I HOPEFULLY
STILL HAVE A FEW BAND MEMBERS LEFT TO, UH, FIRE
BEFORE OUR BIG HELL'S KITCHEN
DEBUT PERFORMANCE TOMORROW NIGHT.
HEY, IF YOU WANT ME TO PUT UP
SOME OF THOSE FLYERS FOR YOU, I CAN.
OH, YOU ARE A LOVE,
AREN'T YOU? MMM! OH, AND IT'S JUST GETTING
A BIT CROWDED BACK THERE, SO IF YOU TWO
COULD JUST KISS AND MAKE UP,
I'M SURE THE CUSTOMERS WOULD APPRECIATE IT.
YOU TOLD HER.
COINCIDENCE.
WHAT? WHY WOULD I TELL HER?
TO EMBARRASS ME?
OH, NOW, YOU'RE DOIN' A PRETTY GOOD JOB OF THAT ALL BY YOURSELF.
(WHISPERING) Has anybody told you how pretty you are?
HEY.
HI.
UH...YOU KNOW WHAT?
IT'S GETTING LATE.
I SHOULD GET TO BED.
BIG DAY TOMORROW.
(DRUNKENLY) NOT TO WORRY.
YOU'LL BE GREAT, LUV.
IF YOU WEREN'T SUCH A DISASTER
WITH WOMEN,
YOU MIGHT BE SNEAKING OFF TO JOIN HER NOW.
WELL, CARRY ON.
HOLD ON. YOU'RE NOT GETTIN' RID OF ME THAT FAST.
AS I SUSPECTED,
YOU ARE NOT HERE TO PARTICIPATE
IN THE GENERAL DEBAUCHERY.
YOU'RE HERE TO BORE ME
WITH LITTLE WORK-RELATED DETAILS.
10 PEOPLE WANT TO KNOW WHAT PLAN "B" IS FOR FRIDAY.
TELL 'EM THERE IS NO PLAN "B."
YOU GOTTA AT LEAST CALL HEATHER TRACY BACK.
SHE'S CALLED, LIKE, 6 TIMES IN THE PAST 2 DAYS.
LEERY, YOUR INABILITY TO RELAX DISTURBS ME.
WE'RE 3 DAYS BEHIND, UNDER PENALTIES EVERY DAY THIS WEEK.
WE'VE GOT A MONSTER DAY TOMORROW, NO SHOT LIST.
THERE'S 70% CHANCE OF RAIN ON FRIDAY, AND APPARENTLY NO PLAN "B."
HOW IS THAT NO WORRIES?
3 DAYS?
I THOUGHT IT WAS 4.
HEATHER!
TODD.
DON'T LOOK SO SURPRISED.
THIS IS WHAT YOU GET FOR NOT RETURNING MY PHONE CALLS.
NO. IT'S LOVELY.
IT'S LOVELY TO SEE YOU.
DO YOU REMEMBER DAWSON?
YEAH. WE CAN B.S. THE PLEASANTRIES LATER, SWEETIE.
RIGHT NOW I'M GONNA NEED YOU TO GET ME A BETTER ROOM.
THE GIRL AT THE FRONT DESK SAID IT'S IMPOSSIBLE,
BUT I'M SURE YOU CAN WORK YOUR LITTLE P.A. MAGIC.
(MOUTHING "HELP")
(MUSIC PLAYING THROUGH EARPHONES)
(SHOUTS) WHAT?!
(SHOUTS) NOTHING!
IS IT GOOD?
IS WHAT GOOD?
THE BOOK.
(SCOFFS)
HONEY, IT'S REQUIRED. HOW CAN IT BE GOOD?
WELL, YOU KNOW, IT'S JUST THE FIRST BOOK
THAT I'VE SEEN YOU CRACK ALL SEMESTER.
SHE DOESN'T ACTUALLY DRINK THIS GREEN STUFF, DOES SHE?
HEY! AUDREY!
WHAT?
WELL, I'M TRYIN' TO TALK TO YOU.
OK, I'M LISTENING.
GREAT. THEN MAYBE YOU CAN TELL ME
WHAT'S BEEN BOTHERIN' YOU ALL WEEK.
NOTHING IS BOTHERING ME.
REALLY?
'CAUSE I GOTTA SAY YOU'VE BEEN ACTIN' A LITTLE WEIRD.
OK, PACEY.
DEFINE WEIRD.
FINE. "WEIRD" IS STUDIOUS.
"WEIRD" IS QUIET.
WHAT, SO I ACT LIKE JOEY FOR A CHANGE,
AND ALL OF A SUDDEN, I'M WEIRD?
OK, FINE. LOOK, I JUST WANT TO KNOW IF PERHAPS
YOU AND JEN MIGHT'VE GOTTEN INTO A LITTLE BIT OF TROUBLE
AT THAT PARTY LAST WEEK.
NO. AND YOU KNOW WHAT? FOR A FORMER PARTY GIRL,
THAT GIRL'S NOT EVEN ON A FIRST-NAME BASIS WITH TROUBLE.
'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, JACK AND I WERE TALKING,
AND HE SAID THAT HE LOST YOU AT A CERTAIN POINT
AND YOU WERE A LITTLE WORRIED, MAYBE.
WELL, YEAH. PACEY, IT WAS CROWDED,
AND JEN RAN INTO SOMEBODY THAT SHE KNEW.
OH, REALLY?
A GUY?
YEAH.
A NICE GUY.
A REGULAR KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR.
YEAH, I'M SURE HE WAS. JUST LIKE ME, RIGHT?
YES, HONEY.
JUST LIKE YOU.
YOU KNOW, FUNNY THING.
WE ARE ALL ALONE HERE TONIGHT.
MMM.
UM...
YEAH.
I'M SORRY.
OH.
OHH.
NO, IT'S JUST THAT I'M REALLY TIRED AND--
YEAH, COOL. THAT'S--TIRED.
NO, BECAUSE WE COULD--- NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
I'M ONLY-- IT'S ALL RIGHT. JUST...PSHH...NO.
I'M JUST... (LAUGHS)
IT'S FINE.
(SIGHS)
(INHALES DEEPLY)
HMM.
PACEY!
YES! WHAT? I DIDN'T DO IT.
YOU STAYED UP AGAIN ALL LAST NIGHT, HAVEN'T YOU?
YES.
AND YOU FINISHED ALL THE COFFEE.
OH!
OK, YES. BUT THERE'S MORE. WE HAVE PLENTY.
AND YOU KNOW, IT'S REALLY STRANGE.
THAT THING THAT EVERYBODY SAYS ABOUT IT BEING HARD TO STAY UP ALL NIGHT--
IT'S REALLY NOT. IT'S JUST THAT HOUR FROM 4:00 TO 5:00 THAT GETS YOU.
BUT YOU'D BE AMAZED AT WHAT YOUR MIND ACTUALLY RETAINS.
I MEAN, I KNOW ALL ABOUT MARKET OPTIONS, EQUITY ACCOUNTS,
NONCONVERTIBLE BONDS, BUT YOU'D-- PACEY!
YES?
COFFEE! I GOT IT.
(WATER RUNNING)
THAT'S NOT YOUR BLOODY GIRLFRIEND
IN THE SHOWER AGAIN, IS IT?
NOPE. THAT'S JACK.
Audrey: ♪ ALL THE LEAVES ARE BROWN ♪
♪ THE LEAVES ARE BROWN ♪
♪ AND THE SKY IS GRAY ♪
(LAUGHS)
DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG SHE'S GONNA BE IN THERE?
UH, THAT DEPENDS, REALLY,
ON HOW BIG A WATER TANK YOU HAVE.
DIDN'T WE TALK ABOUT THIS?
YES, WE DID. SHE'S HERE
ALL THE TIME.
YES, SHE IS. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT'D BE A GREAT IDEA?
IF THE TWO OF YOU WOULD DISCUSS THIS,
AND THEN I'LL GO TO WORK, AND YOU TELL ME
HOW IT WORKS OUT WHEN I GET BACK. OK? OK. BYE-BYE.
HAVE A GOOD DAY. BYE.
(AUDREY SINGING)
♪ ALL THE LEAVES ARE BROWN, THE LEAVES ♪
♪ ARE BROWN ♪ OK.
♪ AND THE SKY IS GRAY ♪
♪ I WENT FOR A-- I WENT FOR A WALK ♪
♪ ON SUCH A WINTER DAY ♪
HEY. SO, WHAT HAPPENED?
WHEN?
AT THE PARTY AFTER WE LOST YOU.
WHERE'D YOU GUYS GO, ANYWAY? NOWHERE.
YEAH, RIGHT.
LOOK, DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT ON ME.
I WANT THE DETAILS.
(SIGHS) ALL RIGHT, LOOK, NOTHIN' HAPPENED. OK?
I MEAN, WHAT COULD HAPPEN? THE GUY'S STRAIGHT. YOU KNOW?
EVEN IF HE MAGICALLY WOKE UP ONE MORNING AND HE WAS SUDDENLY GAY,
IT'S NOT LIKE I WOULD ACTUALLY GET INVOLVED WITH THE GUY. COME ON.
YOU WOULDN'T?
NO. GOD, NO.
GREETINGS, EVERYONE. SORRY I'M LATE.
BUT I SEE EXHIBITS A, B, C, AND D HAVE ARRIVED,
BY WHICH I MEAN, OF COURSE, MY TEACHING ASSISTANTS,
WHO MAY NOW BEGIN THE ARDUOUS TASK
OF HANDING YOU BACK YOUR PAPERS.
UNLESS, OF COURSE, YOU'D PREFER TO SIT HERE FOR 50 MINUTES
STARING AT THEM WHILE I DRONE ON ABOUT REPRESENTATIONS
OF THE SINGLE FATHER IN PRE- AND POST-VIETNAM AMERICAN TELEVISION.
(LAUGHTER)
NO? NO, I DIDN'T THINK SO.
AS YOU KNOW, THESE PAPERS REPRESENT 20% OF YOUR GRADE,
MOST OF WHICH WERE GRADED BY THE T.A.s, OF COURSE.
BUT I DID REVIEW ALL THE GRADES THOROUGHLY MYSELF,
AND I AM PREPARED TO DEAL WITH ANY AND ALL SOB STORIES
THAT MAY BE COMING MY WAY.
JUST PLEASE KEEP IN MIND YEAH!
THIS IS NOT THE FIRST TIME I'VE HEARD THE ONE
ABOUT HOW A B-PLUS IS GONNA RUIN YOUR CHANCES TURN IT OVER.
OF GETTING INTO A DECENT LAW SCHOOL.
(LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHS)
SHOULD'VE KEPT WALKIN'.
HERE. LET ME.
NOPE. I GOT IT.
JUST TRYING TO BE NICE. WELL, DON'T.
I LIKED YOU A LOT BETTER WHEN YOU WERE SURLY.
I AM NOT--
LOOK, I THINK THAT WE HAVE BOTH BEEN ACTING
A LITTLE IMMATURE SINCE THE INCIDENT.
I'VE BEEN ACTING IMMATURE?
I KNOW THAT I HAVE.
DON'T DO THAT.
DON'T BACK DOWN. IF YOU DO THAT IN CLASS TODAY,
HETSON'S GONNA EAT YOU ALIVE.
I SEE, AND WHEN WILL YOU BE GRACING US
WITH YOUR IN-CLASS PRESENTATION?
YOU KNOW, IF YOU THINK I'M BEING A JERK, JUST TELL ME.
AND HOW IS THAT GONNA HELP US GET ALONG ANY BETTER?
OH, IT'S--IT'S NOT, BUT LET'S NOT PRETEND
THINGS ARE ALL NICE WHEN THEY'RE NOT.
THEY'RE NOT?
NO. THE, UH, "INCIDENT," AS YOU SO CLINICALLY REFER TO IT,
WAS YOU KISSING ME ON THE MOUTH
WITH SOME SORT OF TWISTED INTENT WE'VE YET TO CLARIFY.
AGREEABLE, YES,
BUT HARDLY NICE.
WHAT, SO NOW WE HAVE TO GET INTO SOME SORT OF SEMANTIC ARGUMENT?
SO, YOU COMING OR WHAT?
WHAT, TO THE LIBRARY?
YEAH. THAT'S WHERE WE'RE HEADED.
THAT'S WHERE YOU WERE HEADED.
AND IF YOU'RE STILL FEELING "NICE,"
YOU MIGHT WANT TO HANG SOME OF THESE UP IN THERE.
YEAH, WELL, HE WANTS A NEW D.P., AND HE WANTS HIM NOW.
IT'S NOT EVEN NOON, AND SHE'S ALREADY FIRED PEOPLE ON 3 CONTINENTS.
3-EGG OMELET?
ONE EGG, 2 EGG WHITES.
LET'S DO IT.
YEAH? WELL, IF I KNEW THAT,
THEN I'D BE THE ASSISTANT.
LISTEN, SWEETIE, I GOTTA GO.
BREAKFAST IS SERVED, LUV.
I'M NOT GONNA BEAT AROUND THE BUSH, TODD.
AS YOUR LITTLE FRIEND HERE POINTED OUT LAST NIGHT,
YOU'RE WAY BEHIND SCHEDULE AND WAY OVER BUDGET,
BOTH OF WHICH WE COULD LIVE WITH IF THE FOOTAGE WERE A DREAM.
BUT WE HATE THE GIRL.
NATASHA?
NATASHA, NATALIE, NADIA, WHATEVER.
THE ONE WITH THE NICE RACK.
I KNOW YOU SAID YOU COULD WORK WITH HER,
BUT WE FIGURE WE SHUT DOWN, WE RECAST--
HOLD ON A BLOODY MINUTE HERE!
YES, SHE MIGHT'VE BEEN A BIT UNPREPARED,
BUT YOU DON'T GO AND SHUT DOWN AN ENTIRE PRODUCTION--
SHE CAN DO THIS JOB.
FOR A HORROR MOVIE LIKE THIS TO WORK,
THE HEROINE'S GOTTA BE BOTH SEXY AND INTELLIGENT.
NATASHA IS THAT GIRL.
WHY DO I CARE WHAT HE THINKS?
HE IS THE TARGET DEMOGRAPHIC.
SHOW HER SOME CUT FOOTAGE.
WE CAN PUT SOME TOGETHER BY THIS AFTERNOON.
YOU REALLY THINK THAT'S GONNA CHANGE MY MIND?
COULDN'T HURT.
(CELL PHONE RINGS)
YEAH?
OK, WELL, THIS HAS GOTTA BE SOME KIND OF MISTAKE.
I MEAN, MINE'S HIGHER THAN YOURS.
LOOKS THAT WAY.
AND YOU'VE ACTUALLY BEEN WORKING HARD ALL SEMESTER.
YEAH, WELL, APPARENTLY NOT HARD ENOUGH.
REAL NICE WORK.
HI.
DON'T TELL ME, ANOTHER UNSATISFIED CUSTOMER.
I--I JUST, UM...
HAD A QUESTION ABOUT MY GRADE.
UH, C-MINUS SEEMS A LITTLE LOW
FOR A PAPER THAT YOU ENJOYED.
I SAID THAT, DID I?
YEAH, YOU DID THE OTHER NIGHT.
OF COURSE.
UH, WHAT I MEANT WAS I REALLY ENJOYED THE CONTENT.
YOUR GRASP OF STRUCTURE, ON THE OTHER HAND, IS QUITE RUDIMENTARY.
I CAN RECOMMEND A FEW BOOKS THAT MIGHT HELP WITH THAT.
HOWEVER, I DO HAVE ANOTHER CLASS I NEED TO GET TO RIGHT NOW.
YEAH, SURE.
YOU KNOW, A C-MINUS REALLY ISN'T ALL THAT BAD, JACK.
YOU TOLD ME YOURSELF YOU WEREN'T A VERY MOTIVATED STUDENT.
WELL, I GUESS I THOUGHT I WAS DOIN' BETTER THIS TERM.
WELL, MAYBE YOUR EXPECTATIONS WERE TOO HIGH.
(SIGHS)
SLOWER.
(SHOUTS)
CUT! Man: CUT ON REHEARSAL.
CAN SOMEONE FIND LEERY FOR ME, PLEASE?
HERE.
RIGHT HERE.
SO, IS SHE GONE?
SHE LEFT 15 MINUTES AGO WITH DIRECTIONS TO THE NEAREST GYM.
GONNA MEET WITH HER AND THE EDITOR WHEN WE BREAK FOR LUNCH.
TODD, HAIR AND MAKEUP'S DONE WITH NATASHA. WE'RE JUST WAITING ON CAMERA.
THANKS.
JUST THE CHANCE I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
WHAT DO YOU THINK I'M GONNA DO?
FAVORITE PART OF THE JOB, MATE.
YOU DON'T MEAN THAT.
COURSE I DO. NOTHING'S AS MUCH FUN
AS EXPLAINING TO THE OVERPAID HAIRDOS
HOW IMMINENTLY REPLACEABLE THEY ALL ARE.
I THOUGHT YOU LIKED HER.
I DO.
NOT AS MUCH AS YOU DO, OF COURSE,
WHICH MAY BE CLOUDING YOUR JUDGMENT ON THIS MATTER.
POINT TAKEN, BUT HOW IS YELLIN' AT HER GONNA HELP?
I MEAN, IF YOU DESTROY HER CONFIDENCE, THE DAY'S NOT GONNA GO ANY FASTER.
LISTEN, MATE, LET ME LET YOU IN ON A LITTLE SECRET.
2-BIT HORROR MOVIES THAT GET SHUT DOWN ONE WEEK INTO PRODUCTION?
THEY DON'T ALWAYS GET STARTED UP AGAIN.
AND AS SOMEONE WHO WORKS FOR ME,
MY CONTINUED EMPLOYMENT MIGHT BE OF SOME INTEREST TO YOU.
SO YOU'D FIRE HER JUST LIKE THAT.
IF IT WAS A CHOICE BETWEEN HER AND ME.
THAT'D BE DEAD EASY NOW, WOULDN'T IT?
TODD.
THEY NEED YOU AT CAMERA.
THIS DISCUSSION IS NOT OVER.
Todd: 'SCUSE ME.
I THOUGHT I HAD 5 MINUTES.
OOH! UM--SORRY.
HA HA HA!
BLACK BRA, WHITE SHIRT.
NEVER A GOOD IDEA.
SO, I, UM...
I HEARD TODD WANTS TO TALK WITH ME.
UH, YEAH. IT'S, UH...
ABOUT THIS SHOT.
WHAT, IT'S COMPLICATED?
WELL, HE...LIKES TO MOVE THE CAMERA.
YEAH, SO I NOTICED.
SO, UM...
WHO'S THAT WOMAN YOU GUYS WERE TALKING TO THIS MORNING?
SHE'S THE, UH, EXECUTIVE IN CHARGE OF PRODUCTION.
SHE'S WORRIED ABOUT ALL THE OVERTIME.
COOL.
IS SOMETHING WRONG, DAWSON?
NO, NOTHIN', OTHER THAN YOU BEING NAKED WHEN I WALKED IN.
SUCH A PRUDE.
IF WE'RE GONNA WORK TOGETHER, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO LEARN
TO GET OVER THINGS LIKE THAT.
ALL RIGHT. WELL, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO LEARN
HOW TO NOT LEAVE EVERY ROOM I WALK INTO.
OK, SO WE BOTH HAVE ROOM FOR IMPROVEMENT.
I KNOW I'M IN THE DOGHOUSE.
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT?
LOOK...
TODD'S NOT THE BEST COMMUNICATOR,
AND HE'S NOT EXACTLY A TOUCHY-FEELY KIND OF GUY.
A GIRL CAN TELL.
THAT'S WHY I REALLY NEED TO NAIL THIS BIG SCENE TONIGHT.
HELP ME?
MY BEST FRIEND'S DYING,
AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M SUPPOSED TO BE THINKING.
DON'T THINK.
YOUR BEST FRIEND'S DYING. WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
I DON'T KNOW.
SAVE HER? COMFORT HER?
AND IF THAT DOESN'T WORK?
SAVE MYSELF?
EXACTLY. IT'S-- DON'T THINK. JUST ACT.
JUST--AND WHEN TODD ASKS YOU TO JUMP...
ASK HOW HIGH.
AND HOW FAR.
ALWAYS BE AWARE WHERE THE CAMERA IS.
THAT'S HOW YOU COMMUNICATE WITH HIM.
(SIGHS) YOU REALLY THINK THAT'S GONNA WORK?
THEY'RE READY FOR YOU, NATASHA.
GUARANTEE IT.
THANK YOU.
Pacey: YOU'RE KIDDIN' ME, RIGHT?
I MEAN, STAN, LOOK, I'M AS RISK-ADVERSE AS THE NEXT GUY,
BUT YOU'RE JUST QUITTIN'.
Y-YOU'RE NOT EVEN KEEPIN' UP WITH THE INFLATION,
AND, STAN, ALL I'M ASKIN' FOR
IS A HINT OF YOUR INTEREST, AND I W--
UH...YOU KNOW WHAT, STAN? I'M GONNA HAVE TO CALL YOU BACK ON THIS,
BUT I WILL BE IN TOUCH, BECAUSE, BELIEVE ME, THIS IS GONNA BE A HOT ISSUE.
AH! THERE YOU ARE. FINALLY!
THAT MEAN RECEPTIONIST WAS-- AUDREY.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
NO HELLO? NO SMOOCH?
I'M TRYING TO TELL YOU IT TOOK ME FOREVER TO GET PAST THE--
HONEY. WE CAN'T DO THIS HERE.
GET A ROOM, WITTER.
THAT'S A GREAT IDEA. THANKS FOR THE TIP.
OK, LET'S GO TO THE CONFERENCE ROOM.
BYE, EVERYONE.
(HUMMING) AUDREY.
YOU REALLY CAN'T JUST POP IN LIKE THIS.
WELL, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO, PACEY?
YOU WON'T TAKE ANY OF MY PHONE CALLS.
BECAUSE I'M AT WORK.
AND WHEN I'M AT WORK, I'M ON THE PHONE,
WHICH MAKES IT PARTICULARLY DIFFICULT FOR ME
TO TAKE OTHER CALLS.
IN FACT, I SHOULDN'T BE IN HERE RIGHT NOW. I SHOULD BE OUTSIDE...
ON THE PHONE.
I GET IT.
OK, PLEASE DON'T BE MAD AT ME. PLEASE? PLEASE?
THE ABSOLUTE BEST THING IN THE WORLD HAS HAPPENED,
AND I WOULDN'T HAVE COME BY IF IT WEREN'T COMPLETELY MAJOR.
HOW MAJOR?
EMMA HAS ASKED ME TO BE IN HER BAND.
ME. FOR REAL. I MEAN, WELL,
IT'S SORT OF ON A TRIAL BASIS, 'CAUSE, YOU KNOW,
BASICALLY SHE STILL CAN'T STAND ME
AND SHE THINKS I ATE ALL OF HER BASMATI RICE OR WHATEVER,
BUT WE HAVE BEEN REHEARSING ALL DAY,
AND WE HAVE A GIG TONIGHT AT HELL'S KITCHEN.
THAT'S GREAT.
I KNOW! IT IS!
WHICH IS WHY I HAD TO COME HERE
AND COERCE YOU INTO COMING OUT THIS EVENING.
HONEY, I NEED YOU THERE.
IT'S KINDA LIKE MY AUDITION, AND, FROM WHAT I UNDERSTAND,
EMMA IS A LITTLE BIT OF A TEMPERAMENTAL CONTROL FREAK
WHEN IT COMES TO HER BAND. SAY NO MORE.
YOU'RE GONNA COME? I WILL, JUST SO LONG AS--
I'M LEAVING.
OK.
BYE.
THE GAMES CONTINUE, AND, OF COURSE,
CULMINATE IN THE EXPLANATION OF THE CRYPTOGRAMMIC PAPER.
STOP.
I'M SO BORED, I'M LOSING MY PULSE HERE, POTTER.
WHEN HUMBERT GETS CALLED AWAY FOR THE URGENT PHONE CALL,
HE RETURNS TO FIND LOLITA DOING WHAT WITH THE LIKES OF CLARE QUILTY?
PLAYING TENNIS.
WHAT KIND OF TENNIS?
GOOD TENNIS?
POTTER!
OH, YOU DISAPPOINT ME.
HOW ARE WE EVER GONNA LEARN ANYTHING TODAY
WHEN THE PERSON WHO'S SUPPOSED TO BE TEACHING US
HASN'T EVEN READ THE BOOK? SOMEBODY?
ANYBODY?
EDDIE.
OF COURSE EDDIE.
EDDIE ALWAYS KNOWS. I MEAN, RARELY VOLUNTEERS, BUT ALWAYS KNOWS.
SO, PLEASE, ENLIGHTEN US.
DOUBLES.
TOLD YOU. ALWAYS KNOWS.
AND THANK GOD HE'S HERE TO PICK UP THE SLACK FOR MISS POTTER, WHO...
MAY NOW RETURN TO BORING US TO DEATH.
HEY, YOU KNOW, MAYBE IF YOU LAID OFF HER FOR 2 SECONDS AT A TIME,
SHE MIGHT NOT BE SO NERVOUS.
WHAT WAS THAT?
A LITTLE CRITICISM OF MY TEACHING TECHNIQUES?
BECAUSE I HAVE TO SAY I'VE ALWAYS CONSIDERED MYSELF PRETTY LENIENT,
PRETTY WILLING TO OVERLOOK CERTAIN THINGS
THAT OTHER, MORE TRADITIONAL, BY-THE-BOOK TEACHERS MIGHT NOT APPRECIATE.
WHATEVER.
OH, YOU DON'T AGREE?
(LAUGHS)
I'M READY TO MAKE THIS A LARGER DISCUSSION
ANY TIME YOU ARE. IN FACT, I'VE BEEN READY FOR WEEKS NOW.
Joey: AM I TEACHING HERE OR WHAT? BECAUSE...
THE DOUBLES THING IS ACTUALLY VERY IMPORTANT.
I KNOW.
THAT'S WHY I BROUGHT IT UP.
I'M GONNA GIVE YOU ANOTHER CHANCE TO REDEEM YOURSELF.
CIRCA 1940, A WELL-KNOWN RUSSIAN EMIGRE WRITER NAMED VLADIMIR SIRIN
CEASES TO EXIST.
WHY?
S-I-R-I-N.
NO IDEA?
PERHAPS YOU SHOULD ASK YOUR ALWAYS-MUCH-BETTER- INFORMED DOPPELGANGER.
EDDIE.
BECAUSE HE NEVER EXISTED IN THE FIRST PLACE.
NEVER EXISTED!
YOU MEAN HE WAS A SHADOW? A SHADE?
A DOUBLE, PERHAPS?
SOMEONE PASSING HIMSELF OFF AS SOMEONE ELSE?
YEAH, YOU COULD SAY THAT, OR YOU COULD JUST SAY IT WAS A PEN NAME.
YOU COULD, BUT IT'S SECRET IDENTITY, NONETHELESS.
I'M SORRY. THIS SEEMS A LITTLE...
OFF-TOPIC FOR YOU?
NO. I'M JUST SAYING I GET THE POINT.
AH.
BUT DO THE REST OF THEM?
DO THEY NEED TO?
YOU TELL ME.
PERSONALLY, I THINK THE QUESTION IS MOOT.
BUT IF IT REALLY BOTHERS YOU THAT MUCH, I'LL GO.
OH, WELL, DON'T JUST STAND THERE, POTTER. CARRY ON.
IN A MINUTE.
DID YOU JUST SAY WHAT I THINK YOU SAID?
YES.
HEY. WAIT UP.
OH, ARE YOU LEAVING, TOO?
NO, YOU'RE COMING BACK.
LOOK, I DON'T KNOW WHAT JUST HAPPENED BACK THERE,
BUT YOU CAN'T BACK DOWN FROM HIM WHEN HE-- YOU'RE RIGHT.
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT JUST HAPPENED BACK THERE, SO IN THAT CASE,
MAYBE THE BEST THING FOR YOU TO DO IS JUST MIND YOUR OWN DAMN BUSINESS.
WELL, HE'S NOT HERE. HE MUST NOT BE WORKING TONIGHT.
HE WORKS EVERY NIGHT.
WELL, NOT THIS ONE.
WELL, YOU DON'T HAPPEN TO KNOW
WHERE HE LIVES, DO YOU?
FLAT SOMEWHERE. TAKE YOU, LIKE, 2 HOURS
TO GET THERE ON PUBLIC TRANSPORT.
YOU MEAN HE DOESN'T LIVE ON CAMPUS?
WHICH ONE? WORTHINGTON?
WELL, WHY WOULD HE LIVE ON THE WORTHINGTON CAMPUS?
UM, NO REASON.
YOU DIDN'T THINK HE'S A STUDENT, DID YOU?
I MEAN, I KNOW HE READS A LOT.
YEAH, HE DOES. UM... YOU DON'T THINK
THEY'D HAVE HIS ADDRESS ON FILE IN THE BACK, DO YOU?
PROBABLY.
THANKS. AND I'LL BE BACK TO CLOSE,
AND GOOD LUCK TONIGHT WITH THE GIG.
THANK YOU.
GOT A BIT OF A SURPRISE FOR YOU, ACTUALLY.
REALLY!
Natasha, on film: SOMEBODY! (POUNDING ON DOOR)
SOMEBODY, PLEASE HELP ME!
HELP!
WELL...
THAT CONSTITUTES IMPROVEMENT.
ADEQUATE INSTEAD OF ABYSMAL.
THAT'S NOT FAIR.
GET ME CHATSWORTH.
I MEAN, COME ON.
IS SHE SUPPOSED TO BE LOOKING DOWN AT THE GROUND LIKE THAT,
OR DID SHE JUST NOT KNOW WHERE HER MARKS ARE?
NEW YORK, L.A., I DON'T CARE!
SHE BARELY EVEN WATCHED IT.
YEAH, I CAN SEE THAT, BUT EXACTLY WHOSE JOB
ARE YOU TRYIN' TO SAVE HERE?
EVERYONE'S.
LOOK, THE WORST POSSIBLE THING THAT HAPPENS,
YOU GET SHUT DOWN. RIGHT?
SO YOU GOTTA GET HER TO WATCH IT AGAIN, AND THIS TIME,
HIGHLIGHT NATASHA'S STRENGTHS INSTEAD OF HER WEAKNESSES.
USE THAT CLOSEUP. AND CHANGE THAT MUSIC.
DO IT.
FAST.
AND...YOU STAY HERE.
WHAT'S NEEDED NOW IS SOME COOL PROFESSIONALISM.
RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.
FINE. I'LL HOLD.
HEATHER, LUV.
YES?
HOW ABOUT WE DISCUSS THIS RATIONALLY
BEFORE YOU THROW OUT SEVERAL THOUSAND FEET OF FILM?
RATIONAL?
RATIONAL, LIKE THE TIME YOU TOOK ME
TO BERMUDA WITH YOU AND DUMPED ME FOR AN EXOTIC DANCE INSTRUCTOR?
LOOK, THERE'S NO REASON TO GET PERSONAL ABOUT IT. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
YOU'RE ENGAGED NOW. WORKING ON A FILM
THAT'S ABOUT TO BE SHUT DOWN...
BY ME
AND QUITE POSSIBLY
NEVER STARTED UP AGAIN.
STILL HOLDING.
LOOK! YOU SIGNED OFF ON THIS GIRL, DID YOU NOT?
IT WASN'T SOME OTHER PRADA-WEARING NIGHTMARE I ACCIDENTALLY SHAGGED!
FOR YOUR INFORMATION, I SIGNED OFF ON THIS GIRL
BECAUSE I THOUGHT YOU COULD GET A PERFORMANCE OUT OF HER.
AND HE DID. YOU JUST HAVEN'T SEEN IT YET.
SCOTT?
SOMEBODY, PLEASE HELP ME!
SOMEBODY!
HELP ME!
SOMEBODY!
SOMEBODY, HELP ME! PLEASE!
PLEASE! SOMEBODY, PLEASE HELP ME!
BETTER, NO?
BEFORE IT WAS ALL ABOUT THE LOCATION,
WHEREAS NOW IT'S LIKE WE'RE ALONE WITH HER AND HER FEAR.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
YOUR JOB COULD BE ON THE LINE HERE, TOO, YOU KNOW.
WELL, I THINK YOUR LITTLE FRIEND HERE MAKES A GOOD POINT.
COME ON.
(EXHALES)
JACK. SORRY. I DIDN'T KNOW ANYBODY ELSE WAS OUT THERE.
YEAH. MUST, UH... MUST TAKE A WHILE
TO GET TO THE END OF ALL YOUR ADORING FANS.
SO, WHAT CAN I HELP YOU WITH?
LOOK, I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THIS ALL DAY.
UH, THERE'S JUST ONE MORE THING I GOTTA ASK YOU ABOUT THIS PAPER.
SURE.
IF I HADN'T BEEN SO SHOCKED
ABOUT WHAT YOU SAID TO ME THE OTHER NIGHT,
WOULD THIS C-MINUS HAVE BEEN ANY HIGHER?
LOW BLOW.
YEAH, 'CAUSE, YOU KNOW,
I'M JUST TRYIN' TO MAKE AN INFORMED DECISION HERE,
AND IF THAT'S WHAT THIS IS ALL ABOUT, HELL, ASK ME AGAIN,
'CAUSE I JUST MIGHT SAY YES THIS TIME.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY. UM...
SOMETIMES PEOPLE READ TOO MUCH INTO THINGS.
TOO MUCH? HOW ABOUT TOO LITTLE?
'CAUSE I'M TOTALLY WILLIN' TO GO THROUGH--
I GET IT. I GET YOUR POINT.
YOU KNOW, IT'S ONE THING TO BE SOME SCARED TEENAGER,
AFRAID OF HIS-- HIS FRIENDS, HIS FAMILY,
AFRAID OF WHAT EVERYBODY HE MEETS MIGHT THINK AND SAY ABOUT HIM.
YOU KNOW, I CAN FORGIVE THAT. HELL, I CAN EXPECT THAT.
BUT YOU, YOU'RE AN ADULT.
OK, SOMEBODY'S MARRIED TO YOU. YOU'RE--
YOU'RE RUINING LIVES HERE ON A MUCH LARGER SCALE.
WHAT CAN I SAY?
NOT EVERYONE'S WILLING TO MAKE SACRIFICES
FOR SOME SORT OF POLITICAL AGENDA.
NOT EVERYBODY'S WILLING TO SPEND THEIR LIVES
BEING PART OF A DESPISED MINORITY.
YEAH.
(LAUGHS)
WELL...
THAT'S TRUE.
BUT MAYBE YOU SHOULD ASK YOURSELF WHO'S DOIN' THE DESPISING.
SO YOU CHECKED. I MEAN, HE'S OUT THERE, RIGHT?
WELL, I'M NOT EXACTLY SURE.
IT'S--IT'S KIND OF TOO CROWDED TO TELL.
HOW CROWDED?
WAY CROWDED.
WHY? ARE YOU OK? YOU'RE NOT SCARED, ARE YOU?
NO! GOD, NO. WHY WOULD I BE SCARED?
I DON'T KNOW. YOU J--YOU JUST-- YOU SEEM SORT OF TENSE.
I'M FINE.
HEY. UM...ABOUT THE OTHER NIGHT.
WHAT OTHER NIGHT?
WHEN WE GOT REALLY DRUNK.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
TO BE HONEST-TO-GOD TRUTHFUL WITH YOU, JEN,
I DON'T REALLY REMEMBER THAT AT ALL, SO--
OK, LADIES, ENOUGH CHECKIN' YOUR MAKEUP.
I THINK THE CROWD'S SUITABLY DRUNK BY NOW.
DOES THAT MEAN THAT WE'RE ON?
IT DOES.
HEY. THE PIERCINGS ARE A NICE TOUCH, BY THE WAY.
THANK YOU!
SCREW THIS UP, AND I'LL KILL YOU.
OK. SURE.
UM...HEY, EVERYBODY.
WE ARE THE HELL'S BELLES,
AND WE THOUGHT WE WOULD PLAY A FEW SONGS FOR YOU NOW,
YOU KNOW, SOMETHING...
SOOTHING,
SOMETHING RELAXING,
SOMETHING...
(DRUM BEAT)
(DRUM PLAYING RHYTHMIC BEAT)
♪ ALL THE LEAVES ARE BROWN ♪
♪ AND THE SKY IS ♪
♪ GRAY! ♪
♪ I'VE BEEN FOR A WALK ♪
♪ ON A WINTER DAY ♪
♪ I'D BE SAFE AND WARM, WARM, WARM ♪
♪ IF I WAS IN L.A.! ♪
♪ CALIFORNIA DREAMIN' ♪
♪ ON SUCH A WINTER DAY! ♪
♪ CALIFORNIA DREAMIN' ♪
♪ ON SUCH A WINTER DAY! ♪
WHAT THE HELL YOU DOING HERE?
GOD, YOU SCARED ME.
YEAH, OBVIOUSLY.
I ASKED YOU A QUESTION.
I JUST WANTED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED IN CLASS TODAY.
YEAH, WELL, SINCE I'M NOT REALLY IN THAT CLASS ANYMORE--
LOOK, I KNOW. I GET IT, OK?
I GET THAT YOU'RE NOT REALLY A STUDENT.
YOU GET THAT, DO YOU?
YEAH. I MEAN, I DON'T REALLY GET WHAT IT WAS ALL FOR, BUT--
YOU KNOW, I'VE COME A LONG WAY.
MAYBE YOU COULD JUST GIVE ME A GLASS OF WATER OR SOMETHING?
SO, MY PRESENTATION ACTUALLY WENT OK AFTER YOU LEFT.
I MEAN, I JUST WENT IN THERE, AND I--
MM-HMM. CONGRATULATIONS, JOEY. I'M HAPPY FOR YOU.
YEAH. I'M SURE YOU'RE ONLY SECONDS AWAY
FROM BREAKING THROUGH HETSON'S CRUSTY EXTERIOR,
EARNING HIS UNDYING RESPECT, AND GRADUATING MAGNA CUM LAUDE.
OR YOU COULD JUST SAVE YOURSELF A LOT OF TROUBLE
AND SLEEP WITH THE MAN.
IS IT JUST ME, OR DO YOU REACT THIS NICELY
TO EVERYBODY WHO'S TRYING TO HELP YOU?
WHAT? NO RESPONSE?
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO GIVE ME A SECOND HERE.
I'M STILL TRYING TO PROCESS THE CONDESCENDING NOTION
THAT HELP IS ACTUALLY REQUIRED.
OH, YOU DON'T THINK IT'S POSSIBLE I COULD UNDERSTAND?
NO, I DON'T.
LOOK, JOEY, I'M SORRY I DIDN'T TURN OUT
TO BE THE PERSON YOU THOUGHT I WAS,
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? PROBABLY NOT TOO WISE
TO INVEST THAT MUCH IN PEOPLE YOU BARELY KNOW.
OH, I HAVEN'T INVESTED ANYTHING IN YOU.
OH, YEAH? THEN WHY ARE YOU HERE?
SEE, IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU'RE WASTING VALUABLE TIME
THAT WOULD BE BETTER SPENT TRYING TO GET BACK
WITH THAT PREPPY BOYFRIEND OF YOURS IF HE'LL HAVE YOU.
YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU REMEMBER WHEN YOU TOLD ME
TO TELL YOU WHEN YOU WERE BEING A JERK?
YEAH. YOU COULD HAVE SAVED YOURSELF A LOT OF TROUBLE BY JUST CALLING FIRST.
OH. I GUESS IT DIDN'T SEEM LIKE TROUBLE AT THE TIME.
OH, MY GOD, THAT WAS AMAZING!
YEAH, WELL, IT DIDN'T SUCK!
OH, COME ON! IT WORKED! THEY LOVED US!
ADMIT IT. THEY LOVED US.
ALL RIGHT. YEAH. THEY LOVED US.
JOEY, HONEY, YOU MADE IT!
YES. I DIDN'T SEE THE WHOLE THING,
BUT YOU WERE GREAT!
YOU WERE MORE THAN GREAT. YOU WERE AMAZING.
SEE? DO YOU SEE THAT? WE WERE AMAZING.
WHERE'S PACEY?
(SIGHS)
HEATHER, THERE'S SOMEONE I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET.
NATASHA, THIS IS HEATHER TRACY FROM THE STUDIO.
HI. OH, MY GOD!
IT IS SO GREAT-- MWAH!
TO FINALLY MEET YOU!
YOU HAVE AMAZING SKIN.
UH...THANKS.
SUCH A TOTAL PRO.
WE ARE SO HAPPY TO HAVE YOU ON OUR TEAM.
GREAT JOB IN THE SCENE TONIGHT, BY THE WAY.
THANKS. I DECIDED NOT TO THINK TONIGHT.
HEATHER, SHALL WE? GOODY.
I CAN HARDLY WAIT.
SEE YOU KIDS LATER.
SHE HATES ME, RIGHT?
I WOULDN'T SAY THAT.
IT'S GENERALLY NOT A GOOD SIGN
WHEN THE DIRECTOR LEAVES THE SET AT LUNCH
WITH SOMEONE WHO'S JUST ARRIVED FROM L.A.
WHAT'D YOU GUYS DO, GO SHOE SHOPPING?
START AUDITIONING MY REPLACEMENT?
UH...THE FIRST ONE.
YOU'RE NOT A GOOD LIAR, DAWSON.
IN FACT, YOU'RE A SPECTACULARLY BAD LIAR.
COME ON.
YOU CAN BE HONEST WITH ME.
I KNOW I GOT THIS JOB ON A FLUKE.
YOU GOT THIS JOB BECAUSE YOU'RE THE BEST PERSON FOR THE PART,
BECAUSE YOU'RE TREMENDOUSLY TALENTED.
YEAH, RIGHT. OR MAYBE JUST TREMENDOUSLY LUCKY.
I THINK EVERYONE FEELS THAT WAY ABOUT SUCCESS--
EVERYONE WITH A SOUL.
AND YOU'VE STILL GOT ONE, RIGHT?
(SIGHS) I THINK SO.
I THINK THAT MAY BE WHY WE ENDED UP TOGETHER, YOU AND ME.
WHEN WE MET AT THAT PARTY... MM-HMM.
I WAS PRETTY DOWN ON MYSELF.
I THOUGHT MAYBE I WAS AN IDIOT FOR TRYING TO DO THIS THING
AND THAT I SHOULD JUST GIVE UP AND, I DON'T KNOW,
BE A KINDERGARTEN TEACHER LIKE MY MOM'S ALWAYS TELLING ME.
YOUR MOM WANTED YOU TO BE A KINDERGARTEN TEACHER?
(LAUGHS) YEAH. HA HA!
THERE'S A LOT SHE DOESN'T KNOW ABOUT MY TEEN YEARS.
HEH! ANYWAY...
I REMEMBER THINKING,
IF ONE MORE WORKING ACTOR SITS DOWN NEXT TO ME
AND STARTS COMPLAINING ABOUT HIS LIFE,
I WILL SCREAM. I WILL LITERALLY GET UP OUT OF THIS CHAIR
AND RUN SCREAMING TO CALIFORNIA PIZZA KITCHEN,
QUIT MY JOB, AND MOVE HOME.
AND THEN YOU CAME OVER.
WHY'D YOU DO THAT, ANYWAY?
HONESTLY?
MM-HMM.
YOU WERE THE ONLY HOT GIRL IN THE ROOM
WHO LOOKED LIKE SHE MIGHT HAVE ACTUALLY READ A BOOK
AT SOME POINT IN HER LIFE.
AND YOU KNEW RIGHT THEN THAT I WAS RIGHT FOR THIS PART.
AFTER I TALKED TO YOU FOR A LITTLE WHILE, YEAH.
SO YOU WEREN'T JUST CHATTING ME UP?
OH, I WAS CHATTING YOU UP.
YOU WERE? OH, YEAH.
BUT I FIGURED TELLING YOU ABOUT SOME BIG AUDITION
COULDN'T EXACTLY HURT.
YEAH. THEN I NAILED IT.
I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
GOD, THAT WAS A GREAT DAY.
IT FELT LIKE MY LUCK WAS FINALLY CHANGING.
IT HAS.
YES, IT HAS.
WELL, I SHOULD GO GET CHANGED.
ALL RIGHT.
BUT MAYBE TONIGHT AT THE BAR, WE COULD,
I DON'T KNOW, PLAY SOME AIR HOCKEY
OR THROW SOME DARTS.
I'D LIKE THAT.
ME, TOO.
Audrey: IT KIND OF ROCKS THAT THE BAR'S RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET.
IT SIMPLIFIES THINGS A BIT, ACTUALLY.
YOU KNOW, I REALLY SHOULD THANK YOU.
WHAT FOR?
FOR TAKING A CHANCE ON ME AND ALL THAT CRAP.
CAN'T REALLY MESS UP PUNK-ROCK ALL THAT BAD, NOW, CAN YOU?
I KNOW, BUT STILL IT WAS IMPORTANT TO YOU,
AND YOU TRUSTED ME, AND...
LET'S NOT HUG OR ANYTHING.
YOUR PIG OF A BOYFRIEND'S LIKELY TO ENJOY THAT.
HE WOULD, ACTUALLY.
OH, DEAR.
POOR SOT.
HE STAYED UP ALL LAST NIGHT, YOU KNOW,
AND HE WAS GONNA CRASH.
OH, WELL. SEE YOU TOMORROW.
GOOD NIGHT.
UHH!
HEY.
OH, CRAP.
I MISSED IT, DIDN'T I?
YEAH.
AUDREY, I WAS COMING IN
TO CHANGE MY CLOTHES, AND I MEANT TO JUST--
YOU DIDN'T GET VERY FAR WITH THAT, DID YOU?
OK. TELL ME HOW I CAN MAKE THIS UP TO YOU.
PLEASE. WHATEVER YOU WANT.
I AM COMPLETELY, TOTALLY, UTTERLY YOURS, AT YOUR SERVICE.
I KNOW IT'S KIND OF LATE AND EVERYTHING,
BUT DO YOU THINK YOU COULD JUST DRIVE ME HOME?
YEAH, SURE. OF COURSE.
I JUST KIND OF WANT TO SLEEP IN MY OWN BED TONIGHT.
ABSOLUTELY. NOT A PROBLEM.
OK. I'M GONNA GO GET MY STUFF.
(YAWNS) OK. I'LL BE-- I'LL JUST WAIT HERE.
(SIGHS)
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
I KNEW YOU WERE CLOSING, THOUGHT YOU COULD USE A LITTLE HELP.
IN WHAT WAY COULD YOU POSSIBLY HELP?
ALL RIGHT. THAT WAS FAIR.
NOT TO MENTION HOW CONDESCENDING IT IS,
YOU KNOW, THE ASSUMPTION THAT I ACTUALLY NEED HELP.
OK, I GET IT. ARE YOU DONE YET?
ONLY FOR THE TIME BEING.
IT WAS AN ACCIDENT, OK? THE FIRST TIME I DID IT.
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY SIT IN ON A CLASS AND PRETEND TO BE A STUDENT?
WELL, I'M ON MY LUNCH HOUR, I'M SITTING UNDER SOME TREE,
AND THIS GRAD STUDENT COMES OVER WITH HIS WHOLE SECTION OF "GREAT BOOKS"
ONE-OH-WHATEVER- THE-HELL-IT-IS,
AND THEY START TALKING ABOUT SHAKESPEARE.
AND YOU JUST HAPPENED TO BE READING IT THAT DAY?
NO. I WAS READING MOBY DICK.
LATER, I READ SHAKESPEARE.
ALL OF IT?
NO SENSE IN DOING THINGS HALFWAY, RIGHT?
I SEE, AND SINCE IT WAS SO EASY,
YOU JUST KEPT DOING IT.
IT PREVENTS ME FROM DELIBERATELY STEPPING INTO THE STREET
AND METHODICALLY KNOCKING PEOPLE'S HATS OFF.
MOBY DICK, RIGHT?
HEY, MAYBE YOU'RE NOT AS DUMB AS HETSON THINKS YOU ARE.
WE'LL SEE. LOOK.
CONTRARY TO WHAT YOU MIGHT BELIEVE,
I ONLY CAME BY YOUR PLACE TONIGHT TO APOLOGIZE.
I FELT LIKE IT WAS KIND OF MY FAULT
THAT YOU GOT CAUGHT TODAY.
HOW'S THAT?
HETSON WOULDN'T HAVE SINGLED YOU OUT
IF YOU WEREN'T TRYING TO BE SO NICE TO ME.
NICE? YOU THOUGHT I WAS TRYING TO BE NICE TO YOU?
YEAH. IT SEEMED KIND OF OBVIOUS.
WRONG.
WRONG?
YES. THAT WASN'T ME BEING NICE.
THAT WAS ME SHOWING OFF.
YOU KNOW, YOU DISAPPOINT ME, POTTER.
I DO? YES.
HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO LEARN ANYTHING TODAY, PEOPLE?
YOU DIDN'T DO YOUR GROUNDWORK, DID YOU?
NO, I DIDN'T.
NO, YOU DIDN'T.
WHAT'S THIS?
YOU LEFT YOUR PAPER IN MY OFFICE YESTERDAY.
IS THIS SUPPOSED TO MAKE EVERYTHING OK?
LOOK, MAYBE I DID LET MY EMOTIONS AFFECT THE WAY THAT I GRADED YOUR PAPER.
IF I DID, THAT'S INEXCUSABLE.
I SENSE AN EXCUSE COMING ON HERE.
YOU HAVE NO IDEA, DO YOU, OF HOW MUCH THE WORLD HAS CHANGED?
LOOK, IF THE WORLD'S CHANGED, IT'S BECAUSE
PEOPLE ARE WILLING TO STAND UP AND BE HONEST ABOUT THINGS,
NOT HIDE BEHIND THINGS THAT ARE EASIER.
WHEN I WAS GROWING UP, WHEN I WAS--HOW DID YOU PUT IT--
A SCARED TEENAGER,
YOU DIDN'T HAVE GAY KIDS COMING OUT TO THEIR PARENTS ON MTV.
YEAH, AND JACK TRIPPER WAS THE ONLY GAY MAN IN AMERICA, RIGHT?
YOU THINK THAT'S SUCH A SMALL THING,
SUCH A MINUTE CULTURAL DIFFERENCE?
MAYBE YOU REALLY HAVEN'T BEEN PAYING ATTENTION IN MY CLASS, JACK.
JUST DO ME A FAVOR
AND HAVE ONE OF THE T.A.s GRADE MY PAPERS FROM NOW ON, PLEASE.
NO PROBLEM.
OOH, NICE.
LITTLE PRIVATE TEACHER CONFERENCE.
WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?
I'M JUST GETTING THAT THING WITH MY PAPER STRAIGHTENED OUT.
OH, YEAH. IS IT?
STRAIGHT?
YEAH. PERFECTLY.