Yep.
- Yep.
Mm-hmm.
You know what it could be?
That damn starter motor.
You getting good compression?
Yeah.
I know what's wrong with it.
It's a Ford.
You know what they say "Ford" stands for, don't you?
It stands for "Fix it again, Tony."
You're thinking of a Fiat, dale.
Fix... It... Again.
I tell you what you do,
you just take them dang ol' spark plugs out that little hole.
You just put a little oil round there.
It'll go bu-bu-boom! Just like that.
Well, I wish it were that simple, Boomhauer.
But I'll tell you what my truck really needs,
leadership.
Detroit hasn't felt any real pride
since George Bush went to Japan
and vomited on their auto executives.
Who's ready?
Y'all catch the Seinfeld show last night?
- Yep.
- Aw, hell, I missed it.
I tell you what. You see that part where dang ol' George come in there.
He's talkin' about tastin' his own bird
and Kramer comes slidin' in.
I'll tell you what, man,
them dang ol' New York boys, just a show about nothin'.
- What you listening to, son?
I don't think you'd like it.
Well, why not?
I like this new generation of music.
Hello.
Mother of God, it's all toilet sounds.
Where did you record this?
I bought it at the mall. It's the Funny Phone Jerks.
Let me tell you, Bobby.
There's nothing funny about these sounds.
What that person on your tape has
is a medical disorder.
Now, get ready for the game, okay?
- Yes, sir.
That boy ain't right.
- Oh, God!
Luanne, I thought you went home.
No, Uncle Hank.
Mom and Dad are still fighting.
Well, you're welcome to stay
But for god's sakes, girl, lock the door.
I've got a minor son living in this house.
So, are you ready to kick some wildcat butt, Bobby?
Okay.
- Now, don't you worry, son.
You just do your best.
Don't listen to her, Bobby.
If you want to win,
you're going to have to do better than your best.
How do I do that?
You got to give 110 percent.
That's what'll give you that winning edge.
But what if the wildcats give 110 percent, too?
Well, then you got to try even harder.
How about if Bobby gave 112 percent?
Sure. That'd work.
Or maybe 113.
Yeah, yeah, that's even better.
Mm. No, Uh-uh. I don't know.
13 is a very unlucky number.
Look. We're not talking about 13.
We're talking about 113 and even...
Okay, give 112. What's the difference?
Look, Bobby, just do your best, okay?
Swing, Bobby!
Swing! Swing!
Y'all did dang ol' did... ball one.
Good eye, honey. Good eye.
Aw, for crying out loud.
Bobby, you can't make an omelet without breaking eggs
and you can't get on base without taking a swing.
The pitcher could walk me, couldn't he?
Don't play lawyer-ball, son.
Hit the next one out of the park.
Run!
- Run! Run!
Whew!
Look at the batter, boy.
Watch the ball.
Huh? What?
Hey, don't look at me.
Keep your eye on the ball.
Keep my eye on the what?
Stop looking at me, boy.
Watch the ball.
- Can't hear you, Dad.
- Ahh. - Ohh!
Don't worry, Bobby. You played a good game.
I got to stop in here for a minute
and get me some WD-40 and a tap and die.
Manager register 47, please.
I hate this place.
Excuse me.
Where's the hardware department?
Where is the hardware department?
Um, hmmph.
- What exactly is it you're looking for?
The hardware department.
Yeah, but are you looking for a tool or something?
What difference does it make?
- Huh. What difference does it make?
Okay, I'm looking for a tap and die and WD-40.
Huh. What is it that you're trying to do?
I'm trying to buy a tap and die and some WD-40
and get out of this godforsaken store.
Oh. And what is a tap and die?
Okay, forget it.
Let's say I want a hammer.
Do you know what a hammer is?
That's what I want, a darned hammer.
Now, where in the hell would I go?
Hey. That's that Hank Hill that lives in the block next to us.
- He sure has a temper, doesn't he? - He sure does.
Makes you wonder who gave his boy that black eye.
Uh... You're going to have to pay for that, dude.
You're fired!
Ella said she saw Hank hit his son.
Really? Well, I heard he threatened a clerk in Mega Lo Mart
with a hammer.
Did you hear about Hank Hill? He beat up his son.
And then some ladies in Mega Lo Mart tried to stop him.
And he beat them up, too.
Well, somebody really ought to report him for the boy's sake.
You say he hit his son with a bat?
- No, that is definitely not acceptable.
- I wish I could, ma'am,
but the regulations say we can't take custody of the boy
- without an interview.
Don't you worry. He's in the system now.
I am on my way.
Hey, I know what's wrong with your truck.
It's your quote, unquote
- pollution controls.
I heard on talk radio you don't even need them.
They're just an egghead government plot.
How is cutting down on pollution
a government plot, Dale?
- Open up your eyes, man.
They're trying to control global warming. Get it?
- Glo-bal.
- So what?
That's code for U.N. Commissars telling Americans
what temperature it's going to be in our outdoors.
I say, let the world warm up.
See what "boutros boutros golly golly" thinks about that.
- We'll grow oranges in Alaska.
Dale, you giblet-head, we live in Texas.
- It's already 110 in the summer,
and if it gets one degree hotter I'm going to kick your arse.
What in God's name is that thumping sound?
Bobby, why don't you go out and help your Daddy?
You have been watching way too much TV, son.
- Huh?
Come on, Bobby, up.
No more TV. Turn it off.
Oh. Oh, god love that poor man.
- Oh!
There.
That's better.
Hello.
I'm a social worker with the state.
Would you mind if I talked to you for a minute?
- Well, sure. Come on in.
Darn it. There it is again.
Where is that thumping coming from?
It's driving me crazy.
Could be far-off helicopters.
U.N. Helicopters.
Dale, what are you doing?
Give me some light!
- Now! I can't see!
Ow! My arm!
- Ow! My head! Ow!
Ow! Ahh!
Mrs. Hill, would you say your husband has a bad temper?
Who, Hank?
No, Hank is as gentle as a lamb.
Ahh... Da...
No more bouncing that ball.
- Hank, we have a visitor.
So, your assertion, Mr. Hill, is that Bobby got the black eye
at his baseball game?
That's not my "assertion". That's what happened.
- Have you ever hit your son, Mr. Hill? - No.
What the heck are you writing?
All you got to write is one word, "No".
Mr. Hill, I feel that you're coming from an anger mindset.
And if you're projecting this anger onto me
it gives me grave concerns
as to how you facilitate your son's growth in private.
Mister, I have not begun to project my anger onto you.
Mrs. Hill, how did you get this here on your forehead?
Oh, this? Bobby threw his baseball...
You threw a baseball at your mother?
Oh, Hank, it was an accident.
So would this be the same "Baseball" that gave Bobby the black eye?
- Uh, Dale
You sure you want to mess with Hank's truck
when he's not around?
I'm going to help get him this alternator off.
Uh, Dale, I think you released the brake cable...
Dale!
No, I didn't.
I guess I better get going.
I got some edgin' to do.
Do you work outside the home, Mrs. Hill?
Well, yes, I do.
I'm a substitute Spanish teacher.
los estudiantes son mis ah-migos.
- And you just have the one son?
Uh-huh.
Yeah, well, we would've liked to have more kids
- but Hank has a narrow urethra. - Peggy...
- In fact, Hank's sperm count... - That's enough!
What in the hell did you tell him that for?
Well, he asked me.
He asked you how many kids we have. He didn't ask you about my glands.
Please, Mr. Hill?
Loud is not allowed.
What the...?
"Loud is not allowed"?
Now, you listen to me, mister.
I work for a living.
And I mean real work not writing down gobbledygook.
- I provide the people
of this community
with propane and propane accessories.
Oh, when I think of all my hard-earned tax dollars
going to pay a bunch of little twig-boy bureaucrats like you
it just makes me want to...
Oh-ho... Oh, God, it just...
God...
Hank?
Honey, bring me my BC Headache powder and a glass of water.
All right, Hank.
Now, you listen here.
You see that boy? That's my boy...
And if you ever try to take him away, so help me, God,
I'll tear you a new one bigger than the grand canyon.
Now, I want you
- to get out of my house.
You're not welcome here.
I mean now! Before I give you a black eye!
Git!
You want to know about old Hank?
Well, Hank's got a lot of problems.
Hey, baby! How about a couple of beers?
Sorry, sug, got to go.
I got another Migraine treatment with John Redcorn.
Nancy, you been going to that
- healer for 12 years...
...and you still get headaches every night.
Healing process takes time, honey.
Getting back to the Hill family,
have you ever seen Hank hit his child, Bobby?
Hank? No, sir.
- Bobby's his pride and joy...
...'cause of his narrow urethra.
- Are you absolutely sure? - Hundred percent.
You can ask my son. He's Bobby's best friend.
Joseph!
What is it, Daddy?
You ever seen Hank hit Bobby?
Nuh-uh, never.
- See?
Now, you can just move along now.
- I been calling y'all people for...
...better than a month now.
Gripe about y'all every time that dang old dog
crosses the street, starts yapping his jaw, 24 hours a day,
and nobody answered...
How are you supposed to come out and do anything about that dog
if you're just gonna get a damn computer,
ain't gonna come over here and shut that dang old dog up.
- And then some weirdo came over
and was asking us a bunch of questions.
Yeah, he asked me if your Dad ever whupped you.
- He hasn't, right? - Of course not.
You know my Dad. He's all bark.
Boy, that guy got him mad, though.
My Dad was like...
"Get out of my house!
My boy ain't much, but he's all I got."
You do great impressions!
Let me try.
I'll tear you a new one!
When I get my hands on you, you little pea-brain
I'll bust your butt into little pieces!
- Oh, I knew it.
Good God, Peggy, this was on my road and track.
Luanne! Luanne, honey, could we talk to you?
Oh, wait, wait, not while I'm here.
Mama's in jail.
She was saving a quart of beer for before bed
and Daddy threw it out,
and she went after him with a fork.
The trailer tipped over, and everything went upside-down
and it'll all be on Real Stories of the Highway Patrol.
And the wig I styled for beauty academy is ruined...
What am I going to do, Uncle Hank?
Uh, uh, there, there, uh...
You can, uh, stay with us till your mama comes home.
And you'll, uh, style a new wig better than before.
Uh... I'll let you use my tools.
- Oh, thanks, Uncle Hank.
She has got to go.
Bobby? Bobby, are you all right? Come on out.
I thought I told you to get lost.
Come on, Bobby.
I can put you with a nice foster family in North Arlen
where you can develop healthy life adaptations,
and they've got a pool.
Honey, let's give him Luanne.
Hey, I got a girl in here you can take right now.
Don't you want to live in a house with a pool?
- No. - See, twig-boy?
Now, get your skinny butt off of my property.
Bobby, I know you can't talk in front of him.
I said, get! Get! Get out of here!
You are out of control!
- You're out of control, twiggy!
Mm. Thanks for the latte, Kenneth.
Anthony, could I see you a minute?
So on this Hill family case,
you couldn't confirm any actual abuse
but you still recommended the State take custody?
Uh, oh, yeah. The whole neighborhood was redneck city.
Did you see in the report how he dented my geo?
"Redneck city." That's pretty funny.
- Where're you from, son? - Los Angeles.
Hmm.
Let's see here, "Hit by a baseball."
So, uh, how did you like old Harvey?
- Who's Harvey? - He's the Little League coach.
You did talk to the Little League coach, didn't you?
Son, have you lost your mind?
Wait... Dad...
You're not supposed to yell at me anymore.
The guy from the state said
your hostility invalidates our parent-child contract.
You're quoting that twig-boy at me?
Hank, the neighbors...
Remember, he said loud is not allowed, Dad.
- Or they'll take me away.
Oh, God.
Hello.
Is this the Hill residence?
Who am I talking to?
Bobby Hill.
Well, son, this is the State Social Services.
We're calling off our investigation of your father.
The worker that visited you
will be leaving the office and going back to LA.
Now, you please tell your parents we apologize for the misunderstanding.
Okay, I'll tell them. Bye.
- Bobby, who was that?
Uh...
Wrong number.
- Mm-hm.
I borrowed your truck this morning, Uncle Hank.
It wouldn't start at first...
- ...'cause you had a clogged fuel line
but I blew it clean.
Hm.
Hey, Bobby, go plug this in the garage for me.
Okay.
Want to see something cool?
- What in the heck?
Don't you see I'm working here? Close the dang door!
Uh, Bob... Just keep... Put... Stop!
Stop hitting that button!
Give me that thing!
Dad, that's not respectful adult-child growth dialogue.
I'll give you dialogue...
that's not coming from a center of anger.
Please return the garage door to its factory pre-set down position.
That is cool.
Bobby! Hey!
Please, uh, respect
- my fence's right to be a fence.
Now!
- You can't do nothing!
- Ahh, ahh. Hey, hey. - You can't do anything!
- You're all wet, Dad.
- Kreeeek.
Thump, thump, thump...
What on God's green earth are you making those noises for?
They're sound effects. Like that guy on police academy?
That's what I'm going to do when I grow up, I decided.
And Dad can't say "Boo" about it.
Bobby, a man from the child protective services
just came by.
Now, he said that he told you last week that this investigation was off.
Oh...
Please don't tell Dad!
Well, son, I have to. He's been worried.
But I like him better this way.
How come?
I can make him love me, even when I screw up.
Is that what you think?
It's hard, Peggy.
I don't want to lose my little boy. My only son.
But, oh, it's hard.
Well, you can relax.
The investigation has been off for a week. Only Bobby didn't tell us.
- I'll kill him! - All right, calm down, honey.
Now let me explain.
He didn't do it to be mean.
Bobby honestly doesn't think that you love him all the time.
That's crazy. 'Course I love him.
Very good.
Now, say it to Bobby.
What are you talking about?
I want you to tell Bobby that your love for him is unconditional.
I can't say that.
I can't!
You know how I was raised, what my father's like.
- I got my shins blown off
by a Japan-man's machine gun.
So don't come crying to me with your problems.
Honey, I am begging you for the sake of this family
you have got to do it.
He's waiting for you out on the porch.
Aw, geez.
Darn twig-boy comes over here.
- And you got to...
- Uh, you, uh...
You're my son, uh...
Well, you know, with everything, uh...
that entails, uh...
Uh-huh?
Uh...
Huh. You know, uh, feelings of, uh, fondness
and more, uh...
You know what I mean, don't you, boy?
No.
Ah... Well, uh...
Oh. That's a heck of a weird sound.
I never made that before.
Uh, I, you, uh, family.
You're not making this easy on me, boy.
Okay, I love you no matter what you do.
There! Whew!
Let's go get something to eat.
I'm not...
- Just a big disappointment to you?
Disappointment?
No, you make me proud!
I've been disappointed
by just about everything else in this town.
But you? Not once.
Darn it, you're my boy.
You know better than that.
He punched him!
I knew it! I told them.
Did you see that?
See what, twig-boy?
Never mind.