1
00:00:37,120 --> 00:00:38,621
Hmm...
2
00:00:43,209 --> 00:00:44,127
{\an8}Peggy?
3
00:00:44,127 --> 00:00:45,545
{\an8}I'm in my office.
4
00:00:45,545 --> 00:00:46,796
{\an8}Peggy.
5
00:00:46,880 --> 00:00:49,966
{\an8}Uh, Peggy, I've got a situation here.
6
00:00:52,469 --> 00:00:54,220
{\an8}Oh, Hank, is it your back again?
7
00:00:55,180 --> 00:00:56,890
{\an8}Why won't you wear
that weight-lifting belt
8
00:00:56,890 --> 00:00:58,266
{\an8}I got you for Christmas?
9
00:00:58,266 --> 00:01:00,393
{\an8}It's not a belt, it's a girdle.
10
00:01:00,477 --> 00:01:02,979
{\an8}Take off your shirt. I'll get the icy hot.
11
00:01:06,483 --> 00:01:07,442
{\an8}Ooh, ahh.
12
00:01:07,442 --> 00:01:08,651
{\an8}Icy. Icy.
13
00:01:08,735 --> 00:01:10,612
{\an8}Ah, ha.
14
00:01:10,612 --> 00:01:12,405
{\an8}Hot.
15
00:01:12,489 --> 00:01:14,115
{\an8}All right.
16
00:01:14,199 --> 00:01:15,283
{\an8}- Okay.
- Oh.
17
00:01:15,283 --> 00:01:16,618
{\an8}- Hey.
18
00:01:16,618 --> 00:01:18,828
{\an8}Peggy, not in front of the b-o-y.
19
00:01:18,912 --> 00:01:21,164
{\an8}I need both of you
to sign this permission slip.
20
00:01:21,164 --> 00:01:22,207
{\an8}All righty.
21
00:01:22,207 --> 00:01:23,708
{\an8}What's it for, son?
22
00:01:23,792 --> 00:01:25,293
{\an8}Contact football?
23
00:01:25,293 --> 00:01:27,170
{\an8}No, you're not old enough for that.
24
00:01:27,170 --> 00:01:28,505
{\an8}Ringworm test?
25
00:01:28,505 --> 00:01:29,506
{\an8}What?!
26
00:01:29,506 --> 00:01:31,382
{\an8}Sexual education?
27
00:01:31,466 --> 00:01:32,801
{\an8}Where'd you get this?
28
00:01:32,801 --> 00:01:34,177
{\an8}I told you, at school.
29
00:01:34,177 --> 00:01:37,347
{\an8}Oh, I thought we didn't have to worry
until ninth grade health class.
30
00:01:37,347 --> 00:01:39,933
{\an8}Nuh-uh. Principal wants to teach us a unit
31
00:01:39,933 --> 00:01:42,477
{\an8}from some course they made up
in Washington, DC.
32
00:01:42,477 --> 00:01:43,770
{\an8}Washington?
33
00:01:43,770 --> 00:01:45,146
{\an8}Bobby, go to your room.
34
00:01:47,524 --> 00:01:49,526
{\an8}Well, what are we going to do?
35
00:01:49,526 --> 00:01:51,361
{\an8}Here's the first thing I'm going to do.
36
00:01:51,361 --> 00:01:53,613
{\an8}I tell you what. There.
37
00:01:54,114 --> 00:01:57,367
{\an8}No need for bobby to get all bothered up
learning about sex
38
00:01:57,367 --> 00:01:59,244
{\an8}when he can't do a darn thing
about it anyway
39
00:01:59,244 --> 00:02:02,497
{\an8}at his age... And with his features.
40
00:02:02,914 --> 00:02:06,000
{\an8}Besides, it is not up
to the United States government
41
00:02:06,084 --> 00:02:08,253
{\an8}to be teaching Bobby the facts of life.
42
00:02:08,253 --> 00:02:09,921
{\an8}That's his parents' job.
43
00:02:09,921 --> 00:02:10,880
{\an8}I agree.
44
00:02:10,964 --> 00:02:13,925
{\an8}If anybody should teach
our boy about... that,
45
00:02:13,925 --> 00:02:15,885
{\an8}it should be his parents.
46
00:02:15,969 --> 00:02:19,305
Something like that should, uh,
be taught in the home.
47
00:02:19,389 --> 00:02:21,141
Uh-huh. Where he lives.
48
00:02:21,141 --> 00:02:22,725
Absolutely.
49
00:02:22,809 --> 00:02:23,810
Yessiree.
50
00:02:27,605 --> 00:02:29,232
Well, you're the expert.
51
00:02:29,232 --> 00:02:33,695
Substitute teacher of the year, 1996
as I recall.
52
00:02:33,695 --> 00:02:36,197
Oh, Hank. I'm also a decent woman.
53
00:02:37,198 --> 00:02:39,701
I got my back out here, Peg.
54
00:02:43,079 --> 00:02:45,832
♪ I like you, you're my friend ♪
55
00:02:45,832 --> 00:02:47,208
- Bobby?
56
00:02:47,292 --> 00:02:48,835
♪ if you want, I'll be your friend ♪
57
00:02:48,835 --> 00:02:50,253
- Bobby, honey.
58
00:02:50,253 --> 00:02:55,425
Um... What do you know
about sexual relations?
59
00:02:55,425 --> 00:02:56,885
I don't know.
60
00:02:56,885 --> 00:02:58,261
Nothing much.
61
00:02:59,512 --> 00:03:01,931
I'm a little worried about being a slut.
62
00:03:02,015 --> 00:03:03,725
- Uh-huh.
63
00:03:03,725 --> 00:03:05,476
Well... Bobby.
64
00:03:05,560 --> 00:03:08,271
Your father and I decided
that as your parents
65
00:03:08,938 --> 00:03:11,816
that you and I should have a little talk
on the subject.
66
00:03:13,276 --> 00:03:15,195
You have noticed, I am sure
67
00:03:15,195 --> 00:03:19,365
that there are some pretty big differences
between boys and girls.
68
00:03:21,159 --> 00:03:22,577
I'm sure you know that.
69
00:03:23,494 --> 00:03:25,997
I mean, physically, boys are...
70
00:03:25,997 --> 00:03:27,373
They're different.
71
00:03:28,666 --> 00:03:31,794
They have something
that girls do not have.
72
00:03:31,878 --> 00:03:33,046
Yeah?
73
00:03:33,630 --> 00:03:35,048
You know...
74
00:03:35,048 --> 00:03:36,841
Something...
75
00:03:37,592 --> 00:03:38,927
You mean a penis?
76
00:03:45,600 --> 00:03:47,477
I didn't take sex ed In school.
77
00:03:47,477 --> 00:03:48,811
- Come on, Boomhauer.
78
00:03:48,895 --> 00:03:50,647
- If you're going to prune, prune.
79
00:03:50,647 --> 00:03:54,734
The army taught me everything
and in four different languages, too.
80
00:03:54,734 --> 00:03:57,278
Want to know how to get
a bar girl In the Philippines?
81
00:03:57,362 --> 00:04:01,783
The point is, there's no way
my son is learning the how-tos of romance
82
00:04:01,783 --> 00:04:04,577
from some bureaucrat regulatory handbook.
83
00:04:04,661 --> 00:04:05,912
Sume-ho!
84
00:04:06,913 --> 00:04:08,039
Or something like that.
85
00:04:08,039 --> 00:04:10,708
And, Dale, the same applies
to your Joseph.
86
00:04:11,084 --> 00:04:13,503
I'd tear that permission slip up
if I were you.
87
00:04:13,503 --> 00:04:15,505
I'll do that and then some.
88
00:04:15,505 --> 00:04:18,508
This sex ed stuff goes higher
than the schools.
89
00:04:18,508 --> 00:04:22,095
It's that same old club crone
zero population bull dink
90
00:04:22,095 --> 00:04:24,514
that the UN's been trying for years.
91
00:04:24,514 --> 00:04:26,391
I tell you what, man,
this branch's fixing...
92
00:04:26,391 --> 00:04:28,935
- It's going to be-be...
93
00:04:28,935 --> 00:04:31,020
- Heads up!
94
00:04:31,104 --> 00:04:34,774
They want to whittle us down
so we can't keep a standing army.
95
00:04:34,774 --> 00:04:38,027
That's when the Chinese'll come
marching in.
96
00:04:38,111 --> 00:04:39,320
All I'm saying is
97
00:04:39,404 --> 00:04:42,031
keep the government out
of the bedroom business.
98
00:04:42,115 --> 00:04:45,326
Teaching my boy
the facts of life is my job.
99
00:04:45,410 --> 00:04:46,786
- You got that right.
- Darn straight.
100
00:04:46,786 --> 00:04:47,870
Mm-hm.
101
00:04:47,954 --> 00:04:49,580
Hank, I couldn't get the words out.
102
00:04:49,664 --> 00:04:53,251
Oh, gee, you didn't send her in
to do a man's job, did you?
103
00:04:53,251 --> 00:04:54,711
I... Well...
104
00:04:54,711 --> 00:04:57,547
Maybe, you should let Boomhauer
teach him what he knows.
105
00:04:57,547 --> 00:05:00,383
Yeah, man. I tell you what you talk
about them dang old condom dispenser
106
00:05:00,383 --> 00:05:02,218
with them be put a little
50 cents in there.
107
00:05:02,302 --> 00:05:04,345
- And they try to hit that corner turn.
108
00:05:04,429 --> 00:05:06,806
And bang on that thing.
And talking about her needs.
109
00:05:07,724 --> 00:05:09,309
God, no. That's all right.
110
00:05:10,018 --> 00:05:11,311
I guess I'll do it.
111
00:05:11,311 --> 00:05:13,730
My daddy told me the facts of life
112
00:05:13,730 --> 00:05:16,607
when I was Bobby's age,
and I turned out okay.
113
00:05:19,152 --> 00:05:20,778
Yee-ha-ha!
114
00:05:20,862 --> 00:05:22,363
Hey, what you crying for, boy?
115
00:05:22,447 --> 00:05:23,489
It's a good show.
116
00:05:23,573 --> 00:05:24,615
- This is a darn good show.
117
00:05:24,699 --> 00:05:25,908
Yeah.
118
00:05:26,659 --> 00:05:29,454
That's also how he taught me
about paying taxes.
119
00:05:31,414 --> 00:05:34,667
Well, there used to be a dairy farm
out here somewhere.
120
00:05:34,751 --> 00:05:37,211
- Oh, there we go.
121
00:05:40,006 --> 00:05:41,424
Gracie, this is Mr. Hill.
122
00:05:41,883 --> 00:05:44,427
Brought his son over
to learn the facts of life.
123
00:05:44,427 --> 00:05:46,763
Well, he sure came to the right place.
124
00:05:46,763 --> 00:05:49,766
We call this machine the matchmaker 500.
125
00:05:51,351 --> 00:05:54,604
Now, Bobby, you're coming
to a time in your life
126
00:05:54,604 --> 00:05:58,983
when you're going to start to have
tender feelings for a girl.
127
00:05:59,734 --> 00:06:00,902
You're going to need to know
128
00:06:00,902 --> 00:06:04,030
what those feelings mean
and what to do about it.
129
00:06:07,492 --> 00:06:09,702
Oh, my God.
130
00:06:09,786 --> 00:06:12,246
Where's the other half
of that permission slip?
131
00:06:12,330 --> 00:06:14,415
I'm sure they will do
a good job at school.
132
00:06:14,499 --> 00:06:16,417
The health teacher is
a trained professional.
133
00:06:16,501 --> 00:06:18,127
Uh-huh. Keep digging.
134
00:06:21,214 --> 00:06:24,842
Hey, Hank, I wouldn't sweat it anymore
about that sex ed stuff.
135
00:06:24,926 --> 00:06:25,802
What do you mean?
136
00:06:26,386 --> 00:06:27,929
All you got to know is
137
00:06:27,929 --> 00:06:29,263
- I took care of it.
138
00:06:29,347 --> 00:06:31,099
- With one little phone call.
139
00:06:32,475 --> 00:06:33,434
Hmm?
140
00:06:34,769 --> 00:06:36,312
Hey, Peg-leg.
141
00:06:36,396 --> 00:06:38,523
- That was bobby's principal.
142
00:06:38,523 --> 00:06:40,858
Some right-wing maniac
called the health teacher
143
00:06:40,942 --> 00:06:42,485
with a death threat, and she quit.
144
00:06:42,485 --> 00:06:43,569
Oh, well.
145
00:06:43,653 --> 00:06:46,239
I'm sure it was just
some harmless nut case.
146
00:06:46,239 --> 00:06:47,740
- Dang!
147
00:06:47,824 --> 00:06:49,158
- Geez!
148
00:06:49,242 --> 00:06:50,827
Hey, on the bright side,
149
00:06:50,827 --> 00:06:53,204
since there's no one to teach
that sex ed course,
150
00:06:53,204 --> 00:06:56,124
we can put all this ugliness
back in the closet.
151
00:06:56,124 --> 00:06:58,376
Oh, no, Hank. They found someone.
152
00:06:58,376 --> 00:07:01,421
They found the substitute
teacher of the year.
153
00:07:01,421 --> 00:07:04,006
Uh... 1995?
154
00:07:04,090 --> 00:07:06,050
1996.
155
00:07:10,972 --> 00:07:12,140
Oh, my.
156
00:07:12,140 --> 00:07:13,558
Oh, lord.
157
00:07:13,558 --> 00:07:15,435
- Oh, for goodness' sake.
158
00:07:16,936 --> 00:07:20,565
This beauty school homework
is hard, Aunt Peggy.
159
00:07:20,565 --> 00:07:22,358
- Aunt Peggy?
160
00:07:22,442 --> 00:07:25,403
Huh? Oh, I'm sorry, Luanne.
161
00:07:25,403 --> 00:07:26,904
I was not paying attention.
162
00:07:26,988 --> 00:07:28,531
Listen to this chapter title.
163
00:07:29,157 --> 00:07:31,451
"The 14 stages of Arousal."
164
00:07:31,451 --> 00:07:33,661
And then you turn the page and...
165
00:07:33,661 --> 00:07:36,831
Oh, my goodness, is that C. Everett Koop?
166
00:07:36,831 --> 00:07:40,668
That must be an old book
'cause now there's 18 stages.
167
00:07:40,668 --> 00:07:41,752
Oh, my.
168
00:07:41,836 --> 00:07:45,089
How am I going to say these words out loud
in front of a class?
169
00:07:45,173 --> 00:07:46,424
Let me see.
170
00:07:46,424 --> 00:07:50,178
"Self-exploration is
a perfectly natural exercise
171
00:07:50,178 --> 00:07:51,888
throughout pubescence."
172
00:07:51,888 --> 00:07:53,473
What's so hard about that?
173
00:07:53,473 --> 00:07:55,224
Luanne, honey, tell me
174
00:07:55,308 --> 00:07:58,728
what is it like to live
without shame of any kind?
175
00:07:58,728 --> 00:08:00,146
Is it a good feeling?
176
00:08:01,606 --> 00:08:04,025
Yeah, it is.
177
00:08:04,025 --> 00:08:05,818
Well, I guess I am a little jealous.
178
00:08:05,902 --> 00:08:08,029
Things were very different
when I was a girl.
179
00:08:08,321 --> 00:08:09,572
- Honey...
180
00:08:09,572 --> 00:08:11,991
You're at that special time of life.
181
00:08:11,991 --> 00:08:15,328
The time when a little girl
becomes a woman,
182
00:08:15,328 --> 00:08:18,581
and you start getting a monthly visitor.
183
00:08:18,581 --> 00:08:20,500
Who? Uncle Joe?
184
00:08:22,043 --> 00:08:24,378
My mother gave me this,
and I'm passing it on to you.
185
00:08:26,130 --> 00:08:28,299
The Loveliness of Woman?
186
00:08:29,467 --> 00:08:32,386
There's nothing in here
but pictures of flowers.
187
00:08:32,970 --> 00:08:35,473
I never even kissed a boy until I was 20.
188
00:08:36,474 --> 00:08:37,725
Of course, he's dead now.
189
00:08:39,060 --> 00:08:41,062
Ooh, look, here's a chapter
190
00:08:41,062 --> 00:08:43,773
on communicating your needs
to your love partner.
191
00:08:43,773 --> 00:08:46,526
What kind of filth are you reading?
192
00:08:46,526 --> 00:08:48,402
It's Aunt Peggy's sex ed book.
193
00:08:48,486 --> 00:08:49,570
Say what?
194
00:08:49,654 --> 00:08:51,322
Let me take a look at that.
195
00:08:51,322 --> 00:08:52,990
What in the heck?
196
00:08:53,074 --> 00:08:57,245
That is the inside of a womb,
a woman's womb.
197
00:08:57,245 --> 00:09:00,373
My boy is not going to look
at the inside of a womb.
198
00:09:00,373 --> 00:09:02,917
He's only been out of yours for 11 years.
199
00:09:02,917 --> 00:09:05,044
- I think I need some water.
200
00:09:05,044 --> 00:09:07,797
You want my Chandler or my Ross?
201
00:09:07,797 --> 00:09:10,216
Can I shoot him full of bbs?
202
00:09:10,216 --> 00:09:12,218
- Okay.
- Then Ross.
203
00:09:13,511 --> 00:09:15,805
- You sure you don't want him?
- Uh-huh.
204
00:09:15,805 --> 00:09:17,890
- I'm not going to need my toys anymore.
205
00:09:17,974 --> 00:09:21,060
After I learn sex ed,
I'll be too busy dating.
206
00:09:21,060 --> 00:09:22,311
Who?
207
00:09:22,937 --> 00:09:23,896
I don't know.
208
00:09:24,647 --> 00:09:26,399
Whoever wants to have sex with me.
209
00:09:27,692 --> 00:09:30,111
Well. What do you think,
a few more inches?
210
00:09:30,528 --> 00:09:32,738
Might as well.
It's just going to keep growing.
211
00:09:32,822 --> 00:09:34,907
- Well, so much for my phone call.
212
00:09:34,991 --> 00:09:36,033
What are you talking about?
213
00:09:36,117 --> 00:09:40,079
They found some other depraved harlot
to teach that sex ed class.
214
00:09:40,079 --> 00:09:42,206
- Uh, Dale...
- Don't worry, Hank.
215
00:09:42,290 --> 00:09:45,626
I know people who can take care
of this woman, if you know what I mean.
216
00:09:45,710 --> 00:09:47,670
- That woman is my wife.
217
00:09:47,670 --> 00:09:49,547
I thought Peggy was your wife.
218
00:09:49,547 --> 00:09:53,884
Dale, I think he's saying
Peggy's the new sex teacher.
219
00:10:00,558 --> 00:10:01,809
Yeah. What?
220
00:10:02,393 --> 00:10:04,645
- Nothing. I wasn't saying nothing.
- Nothing at all, Hank.
221
00:10:04,729 --> 00:10:07,481
Nothing wrong
with a little sexual education.
222
00:10:07,565 --> 00:10:12,528
No, sir. I bet Peggy will be introducing
some new ideas into the bedroom.
223
00:10:12,612 --> 00:10:13,988
- Dale...
- I'm just saying
224
00:10:13,988 --> 00:10:16,574
a woman who knows
is the toughest customer.
225
00:10:16,574 --> 00:10:18,618
Maybe you ought to hit the books too.
226
00:10:18,618 --> 00:10:20,620
What the heck is wrong with you all?
227
00:10:20,620 --> 00:10:22,788
What? Nothing, Hank. Just think.
228
00:10:22,872 --> 00:10:27,084
You'll be married to a woman
who knows everything about sex.
229
00:10:27,168 --> 00:10:29,295
I've never been with a woman like that...
230
00:10:30,004 --> 00:10:33,174
- Except, of course, a bar girl.
231
00:10:33,174 --> 00:10:36,052
Of course I, I don't mean
that Peggy's a...
232
00:10:36,052 --> 00:10:37,845
a bar girl or nothing like that.
233
00:10:37,845 --> 00:10:40,348
I mean, she just knows, you know
234
00:10:40,348 --> 00:10:43,059
what a bar girl... knows.
235
00:10:46,354 --> 00:10:49,231
You know, there's a funny thing
happening down at school.
236
00:10:49,315 --> 00:10:53,069
They want me to teach this sex ed stuff
to our kids' class, you know?
237
00:10:53,069 --> 00:10:55,237
But I just don't know if I can overcome
238
00:10:55,321 --> 00:10:58,282
the crippling sense of shame
that I got from my mother.
239
00:10:58,366 --> 00:11:00,534
Phew. Well, we knew you wouldn't.
240
00:11:00,618 --> 00:11:04,288
Yeah, I've been telling people,
Peggy Hill is not one of those teachers
241
00:11:04,372 --> 00:11:08,167
that puts all that intellectual hooey
above common decency.
242
00:11:08,167 --> 00:11:09,293
Mm-hm.
243
00:11:09,377 --> 00:11:12,880
Well, sometimes
a little "intellectual hooey"
244
00:11:12,880 --> 00:11:14,006
is a good thing.
245
00:11:14,090 --> 00:11:16,592
Look, we all grew up
not knowing the real words
246
00:11:16,676 --> 00:11:19,345
for your dinkie and your woohoo,
and we turned out fine.
247
00:11:19,345 --> 00:11:21,430
I learned about sex from my mother.
248
00:11:21,514 --> 00:11:23,265
She gave me that wonderful book
249
00:11:23,349 --> 00:11:24,767
The Loveliness of Woman.
250
00:11:24,767 --> 00:11:26,060
That book is worthless.
251
00:11:26,060 --> 00:11:27,770
Well, I got a lot out of it.
252
00:11:27,770 --> 00:11:29,939
When my husband would crawl
all over me at night
253
00:11:29,939 --> 00:11:31,190
and do his business.
254
00:11:31,190 --> 00:11:35,152
Well, I would just close my eyes
and think of them pretty flowers.
255
00:11:35,236 --> 00:11:37,113
Oh, Bonnie, you poor, poor woman.
256
00:11:39,532 --> 00:11:42,785
Hey, Bobby, your mom's going
to teach sex ed.
257
00:11:42,785 --> 00:11:43,869
Yeah, I know.
258
00:11:45,496 --> 00:11:47,331
We're going to get to see her boobs.
259
00:11:48,749 --> 00:11:50,084
- So?
260
00:11:50,084 --> 00:11:51,085
Bobby, you're up.
261
00:11:51,836 --> 00:11:53,129
Come on, Bobby.
262
00:11:54,547 --> 00:11:56,257
Your dad lost his job.
263
00:11:58,134 --> 00:11:59,510
Run, bobby! Run!
264
00:11:59,510 --> 00:12:00,886
Run, run. Come on! Run!
265
00:12:01,804 --> 00:12:03,431
Don't stop at first base, son.
266
00:12:03,431 --> 00:12:05,683
Go all the way, Bobby.
Go all the way, honey.
267
00:12:05,683 --> 00:12:08,185
Yeah, go all the way, you perv.
268
00:12:14,567 --> 00:12:15,526
Hello?
269
00:12:15,526 --> 00:12:19,405
You don't know who I am,
but I know where you live
270
00:12:19,405 --> 00:12:22,825
And if you teach that sex ed class
so help me, I'll...
271
00:12:22,825 --> 00:12:24,994
Dale, is that you?
272
00:12:24,994 --> 00:12:26,328
Oh, Hank.
273
00:12:26,412 --> 00:12:28,330
Uh, can I speak with Peggy?
274
00:12:28,414 --> 00:12:30,708
Uh, Peggy, it's for you. It's Dale.
275
00:12:31,667 --> 00:12:32,835
Hello, Dale.
276
00:12:32,835 --> 00:12:36,922
You don't know who I am,
but I know where you live...
277
00:12:38,424 --> 00:12:40,342
Boy, you should have
heard Bonnie today.
278
00:12:40,426 --> 00:12:42,553
That woman has got one awful love life.
279
00:12:43,179 --> 00:12:44,096
Uh-huh.
280
00:12:45,139 --> 00:12:46,307
Oh, my God.
281
00:12:47,266 --> 00:12:49,393
Hank, honey, would you like to rub
282
00:12:49,477 --> 00:12:51,479
some "Pretty feet and hands" on my back?
283
00:12:51,479 --> 00:12:54,690
Uh, isn't that just
for your feet and hands?
284
00:12:54,774 --> 00:12:55,983
Well, mainly.
285
00:12:55,983 --> 00:12:57,568
But you can use it everywhere.
286
00:12:57,568 --> 00:12:58,736
I'll pass.
287
00:12:58,736 --> 00:13:01,405
Well, how about if I put
a little on your elbows?
288
00:13:01,489 --> 00:13:03,491
It will moisturize and exfoliate.
289
00:13:03,491 --> 00:13:07,119
My elbows are fine.
You never complained about them before.
290
00:13:07,203 --> 00:13:09,455
It's just that it's so nice and cooling.
291
00:13:09,455 --> 00:13:11,582
It makes your elbows smooth.
292
00:13:11,582 --> 00:13:14,668
What? Where in the heck
are my elbows going to be
293
00:13:14,752 --> 00:13:16,212
that they need to be smooth?
294
00:13:16,212 --> 00:13:19,089
Well, honey, I just thought
it would be nice, you know, for later...
295
00:13:19,173 --> 00:13:20,591
For us to be all smooth.
296
00:13:20,591 --> 00:13:23,677
I don't mean to be rude or nothing,
but I'll pass.
297
00:13:24,970 --> 00:13:26,263
Look, Hank Hill,
298
00:13:26,347 --> 00:13:30,351
I did not ask to teach this class,
but I am a substitute teacher.
299
00:13:30,476 --> 00:13:34,271
That means I have to be prepared to go
wherever they need teachers most
300
00:13:34,355 --> 00:13:36,440
at any hour of the day or night.
301
00:13:36,524 --> 00:13:39,443
And teach anything from gym to home ec.
302
00:13:39,527 --> 00:13:41,946
I took an oath, darn it, excuse me.
303
00:13:41,946 --> 00:13:45,783
And if I start to pick and choose
the whole system just breaks down.
304
00:13:45,783 --> 00:13:48,410
Yeah? Well, you weren't
too proud to pick and choose
305
00:13:48,494 --> 00:13:51,080
when you had those Randy Travis tickets.
306
00:13:51,080 --> 00:13:53,874
Oh, no, those poor little kids
never did get to make
307
00:13:53,958 --> 00:13:55,918
- their clay ashtrays.
308
00:13:55,918 --> 00:14:00,130
Well, they're darn sure going to know
the 18 stages of arousal.
309
00:14:00,214 --> 00:14:02,591
'Cause Peggy Hill is going
to teach that class.
310
00:14:03,968 --> 00:14:05,010
Hmmph.
311
00:14:05,094 --> 00:14:06,053
Hmmph.
312
00:14:08,097 --> 00:14:10,933
This is a diagram of a woman's v-va...
313
00:14:12,101 --> 00:14:13,018
Va-va...
314
00:14:13,602 --> 00:14:14,603
va...
315
00:14:14,687 --> 00:14:17,189
Come on, Aunt Peggy, you can do it.
316
00:14:17,273 --> 00:14:18,607
A woman's va...
317
00:14:23,863 --> 00:14:28,158
This is a man's p-pe... pe...
318
00:14:45,509 --> 00:14:47,303
Well, what do you think?
319
00:14:47,303 --> 00:14:49,305
Mm-hmm. Nice and clean.
320
00:14:49,305 --> 00:14:53,058
But I think old Sigmund Freud
might have a thing or two to say about it.
321
00:14:53,142 --> 00:14:54,101
What?
322
00:14:54,101 --> 00:14:55,644
Oh, no!
323
00:14:57,396 --> 00:14:58,439
Happiness.
324
00:14:59,148 --> 00:15:00,774
Hap-piness.
325
00:15:01,859 --> 00:15:03,944
Hap-pi-ness.
326
00:15:04,445 --> 00:15:06,488
Hap-piness.
327
00:15:08,282 --> 00:15:09,366
Penis.
328
00:15:10,534 --> 00:15:11,702
I did it.
329
00:15:12,369 --> 00:15:13,412
Ovaries.
330
00:15:14,413 --> 00:15:15,789
Uvula.
331
00:15:16,540 --> 00:15:17,750
Uterus.
332
00:15:18,375 --> 00:15:19,543
Vagina!
333
00:15:22,046 --> 00:15:23,714
- Hey, Hank, I just said...
334
00:15:23,714 --> 00:15:26,717
I heard you. The whole neighborhood
can hear you cussing.
335
00:15:26,717 --> 00:15:29,637
It's not cussing, Hank, to say the name
of a god-given body part.
336
00:15:29,637 --> 00:15:31,513
Well, it is if it's a part of the body
337
00:15:31,597 --> 00:15:34,099
that was meant to be concealed
by an undergarment.
338
00:15:34,183 --> 00:15:37,478
You're dealing with organs that
people just don't want to know about.
339
00:15:37,478 --> 00:15:39,146
Well, Bobby ought to know about them.
340
00:15:39,146 --> 00:15:41,857
We don't want him growing up
as repressed as we did.
341
00:15:41,941 --> 00:15:44,693
Sure we do.
I'm drawing the line here, Peggy.
342
00:15:44,777 --> 00:15:47,363
My son is not going
to learn this crazy crap.
343
00:15:47,863 --> 00:15:52,201
It says right here he can't take the class
without permission of both his parents.
344
00:15:52,201 --> 00:15:53,452
Now, just hold on.
345
00:15:53,452 --> 00:15:56,705
Are you saying I am not good enough
to teach my own son?
346
00:15:56,789 --> 00:15:59,959
If you do not approve,
you do not have to sign.
347
00:15:59,959 --> 00:16:02,586
And I do not approve. Permission denied.
348
00:16:04,505 --> 00:16:06,924
This darn strapping tape.
349
00:16:14,515 --> 00:16:16,809
Come on, Bobby.
You're coming to work with me.
350
00:16:25,526 --> 00:16:26,443
Huh. Oh, my.
351
00:16:32,825 --> 00:16:34,952
- Uh... No, Mr. Hudson.
352
00:16:34,952 --> 00:16:38,580
We don't recommend using propane
to fill party balloons.
353
00:16:39,790 --> 00:16:43,877
Well, yeah, it is a gas,
but it's in a liquid state.
354
00:16:43,961 --> 00:16:45,170
- Well, okay,
355
00:16:45,254 --> 00:16:47,715
but you might want
to blow out those candles.
356
00:16:47,715 --> 00:16:49,758
Uh. look. I'm going to have
to call you back.
357
00:16:49,842 --> 00:16:50,759
- Bobby...
358
00:16:50,843 --> 00:16:51,844
Hey, that's my work.
359
00:16:51,844 --> 00:16:54,263
- Now, just sit still, okay?
360
00:16:55,222 --> 00:16:57,766
What do you think
mom's telling all those guys?
361
00:16:57,850 --> 00:17:00,227
I don't know. I don't want to know.
362
00:17:00,227 --> 00:17:02,271
Just try not to think about it.
363
00:17:02,271 --> 00:17:03,772
Okay.
364
00:17:06,275 --> 00:17:08,110
What do you think mom's saying to them?
365
00:17:08,110 --> 00:17:10,237
I said not to think about it.
366
00:17:10,237 --> 00:17:12,197
Think about something else.
367
00:17:12,281 --> 00:17:13,323
Okay.
368
00:17:15,701 --> 00:17:18,662
Dad, do you ever have sex anymore?
369
00:17:18,746 --> 00:17:19,872
Uh...
370
00:17:21,540 --> 00:17:22,666
Well, uh...
371
00:17:23,500 --> 00:17:26,462
Come on, Bobby.
Can't you think of something pleasant?
372
00:17:28,881 --> 00:17:31,717
What do you think
mom's telling all those guys?
373
00:17:33,594 --> 00:17:35,429
I only have your homework,
I didn't take it.
374
00:17:43,062 --> 00:17:44,646
Good morning, class.
375
00:17:44,730 --> 00:17:47,900
Today, we're going to discuss
the subject of Human Relations
376
00:17:47,900 --> 00:17:49,568
otherwise known as...
377
00:17:51,695 --> 00:17:53,363
Human Relations.
378
00:17:53,447 --> 00:17:55,199
I am your substitute teacher.
379
00:17:55,199 --> 00:17:56,533
My name is Peggy Hill.
380
00:17:58,035 --> 00:17:59,244
Okey-dokey.
381
00:17:59,912 --> 00:18:01,622
Any questions so far?
382
00:18:02,915 --> 00:18:04,083
Dad?
383
00:18:04,083 --> 00:18:05,167
What?
384
00:18:05,167 --> 00:18:08,087
I just wanted to say,
you don't have to worry about me
385
00:18:08,087 --> 00:18:10,130
'cause I'm never going to have sex.
386
00:18:10,214 --> 00:18:12,466
Whoa, Bobby. Now, don't say that.
387
00:18:12,466 --> 00:18:14,551
I thought that's what you wanted.
388
00:18:14,635 --> 00:18:18,347
Well, yes, if you were my daughter,
but you're my son.
389
00:18:19,473 --> 00:18:23,560
Why is it not okay for girls,
but it's okay for boys?
390
00:18:23,644 --> 00:18:26,355
It's called the double standard, Bobby.
Don't knock it.
391
00:18:26,355 --> 00:18:28,982
We got the long end
of the stick on that one.
392
00:18:29,066 --> 00:18:30,359
I see.
393
00:18:30,359 --> 00:18:33,654
That's why mom's bad
for talking about sex.
394
00:18:33,654 --> 00:18:35,280
Bobby, look.
395
00:18:35,364 --> 00:18:37,950
Just because your mom's
been using those words
396
00:18:37,950 --> 00:18:39,576
doesn't mean she's bad.
397
00:18:39,660 --> 00:18:42,037
She's just trying to do her job,
398
00:18:42,121 --> 00:18:44,873
give the kids the proper names for things.
399
00:18:45,624 --> 00:18:49,795
Imagine how hard that is for your mother
trying to teach a roomful
400
00:18:49,795 --> 00:18:51,421
of snickering fifth-graders
401
00:18:51,505 --> 00:18:53,549
the difference
between a boy and a girl's...
402
00:18:53,549 --> 00:18:54,675
- Uh...
403
00:18:54,675 --> 00:18:56,260
...you know, hookups.
404
00:18:58,262 --> 00:19:01,140
That woman's
got a lot of guts, I'll tell you what.
405
00:19:01,140 --> 00:19:04,768
- That's Mrs. Peggy hill.
406
00:19:05,602 --> 00:19:09,273
H-I-L-L.
407
00:19:09,773 --> 00:19:11,441
You can call me Mrs. Hill.
408
00:19:11,525 --> 00:19:12,943
You can call me Peggy.
409
00:19:12,943 --> 00:19:14,444
Or Peggy Hill.
410
00:19:15,487 --> 00:19:17,614
Okay, come on, Peggy Hill.
411
00:19:17,698 --> 00:19:18,782
You can do this.
412
00:19:20,701 --> 00:19:23,036
Okay, today's subject...
413
00:19:26,248 --> 00:19:27,666
- Just have a seat.
414
00:19:27,666 --> 00:19:30,711
I'm sure your teacher can tell you
everything you need to know.
415
00:19:31,837 --> 00:19:36,258
She was substitute teacher of the year
in 1996, I understand.
416
00:19:39,678 --> 00:19:41,263
All right, class, let's do it.
417
00:19:41,972 --> 00:19:44,057
Today, I'm going to teach you sex ed.
418
00:19:44,141 --> 00:19:46,059
It's difficult subject matter,
419
00:19:46,143 --> 00:19:48,353
but if we approach it with common sense,
420
00:19:48,437 --> 00:19:51,773
I believe, we might learn something
that could enrich our lives.
421
00:19:51,857 --> 00:19:52,983
But before we begin,
422
00:19:52,983 --> 00:19:55,402
please, bring your permission slips
up to my desk.
423
00:19:55,402 --> 00:19:58,530
And those of you whose parents did not
give you permission to learn with me,
424
00:19:58,614 --> 00:20:00,741
well, you can read for an hour
in the school library.
425
00:20:01,450 --> 00:20:03,827
Sorry, Peggy. Sorry, Mrs Peggy Hill.
426
00:20:06,622 --> 00:20:08,749
Looks like it's just you and me, mom.
427
00:20:08,749 --> 00:20:10,834
- Okay, son.
428
00:20:10,918 --> 00:20:13,378
Well, let's begin
429
00:20:13,462 --> 00:20:15,756
with the difference
between boys and girls.
430
00:20:15,756 --> 00:20:17,633
You mean the penis?
431
00:20:17,633 --> 00:20:19,509
Yes, the penis.
432
00:20:22,471 --> 00:20:23,513
Hello?
433
00:20:24,139 --> 00:20:24,973
Bobby?
434
00:20:25,891 --> 00:20:27,267
Luanne?
435
00:20:27,351 --> 00:20:28,518
Well, is anybody home?
436
00:20:29,478 --> 00:20:31,104
- Where is everybody?
- Uh...
437
00:20:31,188 --> 00:20:34,107
I sent the kids off
to see a double feature.
438
00:20:34,650 --> 00:20:38,779
♪ You're mine always and forever ♪
439
00:20:38,779 --> 00:20:40,489
May I have this dance?
440
00:20:42,491 --> 00:20:45,077
Mmm! Smooth elbows, Peg.
441
00:20:46,119 --> 00:20:49,081
I seem to recall
you kind of like being dipped.
442
00:20:49,081 --> 00:20:51,333
Oh, Hank, watch your back.
443
00:20:51,333 --> 00:20:52,709
Good as ever.
444
00:20:54,378 --> 00:20:55,420
HANK, PEGGY: Ooohhh!
445
00:20:55,504 --> 00:20:56,463
- Ah.
446
00:20:57,047 --> 00:20:58,215
Are you okay?
447
00:20:58,215 --> 00:20:59,258
Uh-huh.
448
00:20:59,258 --> 00:21:02,302
Well, uh, as long
as we're down here...
449
00:21:03,512 --> 00:21:05,931
♪ I'm lost in your perfume ♪
450
00:21:11,144 --> 00:21:13,563
Hello. You have reached
the Hill Residence.
451
00:21:14,189 --> 00:21:16,066
Please leave a message at the tone.
452
00:21:16,984 --> 00:21:19,152
You don't know who I am,
453
00:21:19,236 --> 00:21:22,614
but I know where you live, sex ed teacher.
454
00:21:22,698 --> 00:21:26,285
And you better cut it out
if you know what's good for you.
455
00:21:27,619 --> 00:21:31,748
Oh, and Hank, we changed
that tee off time to three o'clock.
456
00:21:31,832 --> 00:21:32,833
See ya.