Hmm...
Peggy?
I'm in my office.
Peggy.
Uh, Peggy, I've got a situation here.
Oh, Hank, is it your back again?
Why won't you wear that weight-lifting belt
I got you for Christmas?
It's not a belt, it's a girdle.
Take off your shirt. I'll get the icy hot.
Ooh, ahh.
Icy. Icy.
Ah, ha.
Hot.
All right.
- Okay. - Oh.
- Hey.
Peggy, not in front of the b-o-y.
I need both of you to sign this permission slip.
All righty.
What's it for, son?
Contact football?
No, you're not old enough for that.
Ringworm test?
What?!
Sexual education?
Where'd you get this?
I told you, at school.
Oh, I thought we didn't have to worry until ninth grade health class.
Nuh-uh. Principal wants to teach us a unit
from some course they made up in Washington, DC.
Washington?
Bobby, go to your room.
Well, what are we going to do?
Here's the first thing I'm going to do.
I tell you what. There.
No need for bobby to get all bothered up learning about sex
when he can't do a darn thing about it anyway
at his age... And with his features.
Besides, it is not up to the United States government
to be teaching Bobby the facts of life.
That's his parents' job.
I agree.
If anybody should teach our boy about... that,
it should be his parents.
Something like that should, uh, be taught in the home.
Uh-huh. Where he lives.
Absolutely.
Yessiree.
Well, you're the expert.
Substitute teacher of the year, 1996 as I recall.
Oh, Hank. I'm also a decent woman.
I got my back out here, Peg.
♪ I like you, you're my friend ♪
- Bobby?
♪ if you want, I'll be your friend ♪
- Bobby, honey.
Um... What do you know about sexual relations?
I don't know.
Nothing much.
I'm a little worried about being a slut.
- Uh-huh.
Well... Bobby.
Your father and I decided that as your parents
that you and I should have a little talk on the subject.
You have noticed, I am sure
that there are some pretty big differences between boys and girls.
I'm sure you know that.
I mean, physically, boys are...
They're different.
They have something that girls do not have.
Yeah?
You know...
Something...
You mean a penis?
I didn't take sex ed In school.
- Come on, Boomhauer.
- If you're going to prune, prune.
The army taught me everything and in four different languages, too.
Want to know how to get a bar girl In the Philippines?
The point is, there's no way my son is learning the how-tos of romance
from some bureaucrat regulatory handbook.
Sume-ho!
Or something like that.
And, Dale, the same applies to your Joseph.
I'd tear that permission slip up if I were you.
I'll do that and then some.
This sex ed stuff goes higher than the schools.
It's that same old club crone zero population bull dink
that the UN's been trying for years.
I tell you what, man, this branch's fixing...
- It's going to be-be...
- Heads up!
They want to whittle us down so we can't keep a standing army.
That's when the Chinese'll come marching in.
All I'm saying is
keep the government out of the bedroom business.
Teaching my boy the facts of life is my job.
- You got that right. - Darn straight.
Mm-hm.
Hank, I couldn't get the words out.
Oh, gee, you didn't send her in to do a man's job, did you?
I... Well...
Maybe, you should let Boomhauer teach him what he knows.
Yeah, man. I tell you what you talk about them dang old condom dispenser
with them be put a little 50 cents in there.
- And they try to hit that corner turn.
And bang on that thing. And talking about her needs.
God, no. That's all right.
I guess I'll do it.
My daddy told me the facts of life
when I was Bobby's age, and I turned out okay.
Yee-ha-ha!
Hey, what you crying for, boy?
It's a good show.
- This is a darn good show.
Yeah.
That's also how he taught me about paying taxes.
Well, there used to be a dairy farm out here somewhere.
- Oh, there we go.
Gracie, this is Mr. Hill.
Brought his son over to learn the facts of life.
Well, he sure came to the right place.
We call this machine the matchmaker 500.
Now, Bobby, you're coming to a time in your life
when you're going to start to have tender feelings for a girl.
You're going to need to know
what those feelings mean and what to do about it.
Oh, my God.
Where's the other half of that permission slip?
I'm sure they will do a good job at school.
The health teacher is a trained professional.
Uh-huh. Keep digging.
Hey, Hank, I wouldn't sweat it anymore about that sex ed stuff.
What do you mean?
All you got to know is
- I took care of it.
- With one little phone call.
Hmm?
Hey, Peg-leg.
- That was bobby's principal.
Some right-wing maniac called the health teacher
with a death threat, and she quit.
Oh, well.
I'm sure it was just some harmless nut case.
- Dang!
- Geez!
Hey, on the bright side,
since there's no one to teach that sex ed course,
we can put all this ugliness back in the closet.
Oh, no, Hank. They found someone.
They found the substitute teacher of the year.
Uh... 1995?
1996.
Oh, my.
Oh, lord.
- Oh, for goodness' sake.
This beauty school homework is hard, Aunt Peggy.
- Aunt Peggy?
Huh? Oh, I'm sorry, Luanne.
I was not paying attention.
Listen to this chapter title.
"The 14 stages of Arousal."
And then you turn the page and...
Oh, my goodness, is that C. Everett Koop?
That must be an old book 'cause now there's 18 stages.
Oh, my.
How am I going to say these words out loud in front of a class?
Let me see.
"Self-exploration is a perfectly natural exercise
throughout pubescence."
What's so hard about that?
Luanne, honey, tell me
what is it like to live without shame of any kind?
Is it a good feeling?
Yeah, it is.
Well, I guess I am a little jealous.
Things were very different when I was a girl.
- Honey...
You're at that special time of life.
The time when a little girl becomes a woman,
and you start getting a monthly visitor.
Who? Uncle Joe?
My mother gave me this, and I'm passing it on to you.
The Loveliness of Woman?
There's nothing in here but pictures of flowers.
I never even kissed a boy until I was 20.
Of course, he's dead now.
Ooh, look, here's a chapter
on communicating your needs to your love partner.
What kind of filth are you reading?
It's Aunt Peggy's sex ed book.
Say what?
Let me take a look at that.
What in the heck?
That is the inside of a womb, a woman's womb.
My boy is not going to look at the inside of a womb.
He's only been out of yours for 11 years.
- I think I need some water.
You want my Chandler or my Ross?
Can I shoot him full of bbs?
- Okay. - Then Ross.
- You sure you don't want him? - Uh-huh.
- I'm not going to need my toys anymore.
After I learn sex ed, I'll be too busy dating.
Who?
I don't know.
Whoever wants to have sex with me.
Well. What do you think, a few more inches?
Might as well. It's just going to keep growing.
- Well, so much for my phone call.
What are you talking about?
They found some other depraved harlot to teach that sex ed class.
- Uh, Dale... - Don't worry, Hank.
I know people who can take care of this woman, if you know what I mean.
- That woman is my wife.
I thought Peggy was your wife.
Dale, I think he's saying Peggy's the new sex teacher.
Yeah. What?
- Nothing. I wasn't saying nothing. - Nothing at all, Hank.
Nothing wrong with a little sexual education.
No, sir. I bet Peggy will be introducing some new ideas into the bedroom.
- Dale... - I'm just saying
a woman who knows is the toughest customer.
Maybe you ought to hit the books too.
What the heck is wrong with you all?
What? Nothing, Hank. Just think.
You'll be married to a woman who knows everything about sex.
I've never been with a woman like that...
- Except, of course, a bar girl.
Of course I, I don't mean that Peggy's a...
a bar girl or nothing like that.
I mean, she just knows, you know
what a bar girl... knows.
You know, there's a funny thing happening down at school.
They want me to teach this sex ed stuff to our kids' class, you know?
But I just don't know if I can overcome
the crippling sense of shame that I got from my mother.
Phew. Well, we knew you wouldn't.
Yeah, I've been telling people, Peggy Hill is not one of those teachers
that puts all that intellectual hooey above common decency.
Mm-hm.
Well, sometimes a little "intellectual hooey"
is a good thing.
Look, we all grew up not knowing the real words
for your dinkie and your woohoo, and we turned out fine.
I learned about sex from my mother.
She gave me that wonderful book
The Loveliness of Woman.
That book is worthless.
Well, I got a lot out of it.
When my husband would crawl all over me at night
and do his business.
Well, I would just close my eyes and think of them pretty flowers.
Oh, Bonnie, you poor, poor woman.
Hey, Bobby, your mom's going to teach sex ed.
Yeah, I know.
We're going to get to see her boobs.
- So?
Bobby, you're up.
Come on, Bobby.
Your dad lost his job.
Run, bobby! Run!
Run, run. Come on! Run!
Don't stop at first base, son.
Go all the way, Bobby. Go all the way, honey.
Yeah, go all the way, you perv.
Hello?
You don't know who I am, but I know where you live
And if you teach that sex ed class so help me, I'll...
Dale, is that you?
Oh, Hank.
Uh, can I speak with Peggy?
Uh, Peggy, it's for you. It's Dale.
Hello, Dale.
You don't know who I am, but I know where you live...
Boy, you should have heard Bonnie today.
That woman has got one awful love life.
Uh-huh.
Oh, my God.
Hank, honey, would you like to rub
some "Pretty feet and hands" on my back?
Uh, isn't that just for your feet and hands?
Well, mainly.
But you can use it everywhere.
I'll pass.
Well, how about if I put a little on your elbows?
It will moisturize and exfoliate.
My elbows are fine. You never complained about them before.
It's just that it's so nice and cooling.
It makes your elbows smooth.
What? Where in the heck are my elbows going to be
that they need to be smooth?
Well, honey, I just thought it would be nice, you know, for later...
For us to be all smooth.
I don't mean to be rude or nothing, but I'll pass.
Look, Hank Hill,
I did not ask to teach this class, but I am a substitute teacher.
That means I have to be prepared to go wherever they need teachers most
at any hour of the day or night.
And teach anything from gym to home ec.
I took an oath, darn it, excuse me.
And if I start to pick and choose the whole system just breaks down.
Yeah? Well, you weren't too proud to pick and choose
when you had those Randy Travis tickets.
Oh, no, those poor little kids never did get to make
- their clay ashtrays.
Well, they're darn sure going to know the 18 stages of arousal.
'Cause Peggy Hill is going to teach that class.
Hmmph.
This is a diagram of a woman's v-va...
Va-va...
va...
Come on, Aunt Peggy, you can do it.
A woman's va...
This is a man's p-pe... pe...
Well, what do you think?
Mm-hmm. Nice and clean.
But I think old Sigmund Freud might have a thing or two to say about it.
What?
Oh, no!
Happiness.
Hap-piness.
Hap-pi-ness.
Hap-piness.
Penis.
I did it.
Ovaries.
Uvula.
Uterus.
Vagina!
- Hey, Hank, I just said...
I heard you. The whole neighborhood can hear you cussing.
It's not cussing, Hank, to say the name of a god-given body part.
Well, it is if it's a part of the body
that was meant to be concealed by an undergarment.
You're dealing with organs that people just don't want to know about.
Well, Bobby ought to know about them.
We don't want him growing up as repressed as we did.
Sure we do. I'm drawing the line here, Peggy.
My son is not going to learn this crazy crap.
It says right here he can't take the class without permission of both his parents.
Now, just hold on.
Are you saying I am not good enough to teach my own son?
If you do not approve, you do not have to sign.
And I do not approve. Permission denied.
This darn strapping tape.
Come on, Bobby. You're coming to work with me.
Huh. Oh, my.
- Uh... No, Mr. Hudson.
We don't recommend using propane to fill party balloons.
Well, yeah, it is a gas, but it's in a liquid state.
- Well, okay,
but you might want to blow out those candles.
Uh. look. I'm going to have to call you back.
- Bobby...
Hey, that's my work.
- Now, just sit still, okay?
What do you think mom's telling all those guys?
I don't know. I don't want to know.
Just try not to think about it.
Okay.
What do you think mom's saying to them?
I said not to think about it.
Think about something else.
Okay.
Dad, do you ever have sex anymore?
Uh...
Well, uh...
Come on, Bobby. Can't you think of something pleasant?
What do you think mom's telling all those guys?
I only have your homework, I didn't take it.
Good morning, class.
Today, we're going to discuss the subject of Human Relations
otherwise known as...
Human Relations.
I am your substitute teacher.
My name is Peggy Hill.
Okey-dokey.
Any questions so far?
Dad?
What?
I just wanted to say, you don't have to worry about me
'cause I'm never going to have sex.
Whoa, Bobby. Now, don't say that.
I thought that's what you wanted.
Well, yes, if you were my daughter, but you're my son.
Why is it not okay for girls, but it's okay for boys?
It's called the double standard, Bobby. Don't knock it.
We got the long end of the stick on that one.
I see.
That's why mom's bad for talking about sex.
Bobby, look.
Just because your mom's been using those words
doesn't mean she's bad.
She's just trying to do her job,
give the kids the proper names for things.
Imagine how hard that is for your mother trying to teach a roomful
of snickering fifth-graders
the difference between a boy and a girl's...
- Uh...
...you know, hookups.
That woman's got a lot of guts, I'll tell you what.
- That's Mrs. Peggy hill.
H-I-L-L.
You can call me Mrs. Hill.
You can call me Peggy.
Or Peggy Hill.
Okay, come on, Peggy Hill.
You can do this.
Okay, today's subject...
- Just have a seat.
I'm sure your teacher can tell you everything you need to know.
She was substitute teacher of the year in 1996, I understand.
All right, class, let's do it.
Today, I'm going to teach you sex ed.
It's difficult subject matter,
but if we approach it with common sense,
I believe, we might learn something that could enrich our lives.
But before we begin,
please, bring your permission slips up to my desk.
And those of you whose parents did not give you permission to learn with me,
well, you can read for an hour in the school library.
Sorry, Peggy. Sorry, Mrs Peggy Hill.
Looks like it's just you and me, mom.
- Okay, son.
Well, let's begin
with the difference between boys and girls.
You mean the penis?
Yes, the penis.
Hello?
Bobby?
Luanne?
Well, is anybody home?
- Where is everybody? - Uh...
I sent the kids off to see a double feature.
♪ You're mine always and forever ♪
May I have this dance?
Mmm! Smooth elbows, Peg.
I seem to recall you kind of like being dipped.
Oh, Hank, watch your back.
Good as ever.
HANK, PEGGY: Ooohhh!
- Ah.
Are you okay?
Uh-huh.
Well, uh, as long as we're down here...
♪ I'm lost in your perfume ♪
Hello. You have reached the Hill Residence.
Please leave a message at the tone.
You don't know who I am,
but I know where you live, sex ed teacher.
And you better cut it out if you know what's good for you.
Oh, and Hank, we changed that tee off time to three o'clock.
See ya.