1
00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:02,544
(light music)
2
00:00:05,296 --> 00:00:07,215
(fast-paced light music)
3
00:00:31,573 --> 00:00:35,577
(light music)
4
00:00:37,120 --> 00:00:38,621
Hmm...
5
00:00:38,705 --> 00:00:40,582
(light music continues)
6
00:00:40,582 --> 00:00:41,791
{\an8}(hisses)
7
00:00:43,209 --> 00:00:44,127
{\an8}HANK: Peggy?
8
00:00:44,127 --> 00:00:45,545
{\an8}I'm in my office.
9
00:00:45,545 --> 00:00:46,796
{\an8}Peggy.
10
00:00:46,880 --> 00:00:49,966
{\an8}Uh, Peggy, I've got a situation here.
11
00:00:50,592 --> 00:00:52,469
{\an8}-(footsteps)
-(birds chirping)
12
00:00:52,469 --> 00:00:54,220
{\an8}Oh, Hank, is it your back again?
13
00:00:54,304 --> 00:00:55,180
{\an8}(grunts)
14
00:00:55,180 --> 00:00:56,890
{\an8}Why won't you wear
that weight-lifting belt
15
00:00:56,890 --> 00:00:58,266
{\an8}I got you for Christmas?
16
00:00:58,266 --> 00:01:00,393
{\an8}It's not a belt, it's a girdle.
(gasps)
17
00:01:00,477 --> 00:01:02,979
{\an8}Take off your shirt. I'll get the icy hot.
18
00:01:03,563 --> 00:01:05,190
{\an8}-(footsteps)
-(birds chirping)
19
00:01:05,190 --> 00:01:06,483
{\an8}-(rustles)
-(thuds)
20
00:01:06,483 --> 00:01:07,442
{\an8}Ooh, ahh.
21
00:01:07,442 --> 00:01:08,651
{\an8}Icy. Icy.
22
00:01:08,735 --> 00:01:10,612
{\an8}Ah, ha.
(sighs)
23
00:01:10,612 --> 00:01:12,405
{\an8}Hot.
(sighs)
24
00:01:12,489 --> 00:01:14,115
{\an8}All right.
(grunts)
25
00:01:14,199 --> 00:01:15,283
{\an8}- Okay.
- Oh.
26
00:01:15,283 --> 00:01:16,618
{\an8}- Hey.
-(groans)
27
00:01:16,618 --> 00:01:18,828
{\an8}Peggy, not in front of the b-o-y.
28
00:01:18,912 --> 00:01:21,164
{\an8}I need both of you
to sign this permission slip.
29
00:01:21,164 --> 00:01:22,207
{\an8}All righty.
30
00:01:22,207 --> 00:01:23,708
{\an8}What's it for, son?
31
00:01:23,792 --> 00:01:25,293
{\an8}Contact football?
32
00:01:25,293 --> 00:01:27,170
{\an8}No, you're not old enough for that.
33
00:01:27,170 --> 00:01:28,505
{\an8}Ringworm test?
34
00:01:28,505 --> 00:01:29,506
{\an8}What?!
35
00:01:29,506 --> 00:01:31,382
{\an8}Sexual education?
36
00:01:31,466 --> 00:01:32,801
{\an8}Where'd you get this?
37
00:01:32,801 --> 00:01:34,177
{\an8}I told you, at school.
38
00:01:34,177 --> 00:01:37,347
{\an8}Oh, I thought we didn't have to worry
until ninth grade health class.
39
00:01:37,347 --> 00:01:39,933
{\an8}Nuh-uh. Principal wants to teach us a unit
40
00:01:39,933 --> 00:01:42,477
{\an8}from some course they made up
in Washington, DC.
41
00:01:42,477 --> 00:01:43,770
{\an8}Washington?
42
00:01:43,770 --> 00:01:45,146
{\an8}Bobby, go to your room.
43
00:01:46,147 --> 00:01:47,524
{\an8}-(birds chirping)
-(footsteps)
44
00:01:47,524 --> 00:01:49,526
{\an8}Well, what are we going to do?
45
00:01:49,526 --> 00:01:51,361
{\an8}Here's the first thing I'm going to do.
46
00:01:51,361 --> 00:01:53,613
{\an8}I tell you what. There.
47
00:01:54,114 --> 00:01:57,367
{\an8}No need for bobby to get all bothered up
learning about sex
48
00:01:57,367 --> 00:01:59,244
{\an8}when he can't do a darn thing
about it anyway
49
00:01:59,244 --> 00:02:02,497
{\an8}at his age... And with his features.
50
00:02:02,914 --> 00:02:06,000
{\an8}Besides, it is not up
to the United States government
51
00:02:06,084 --> 00:02:08,253
{\an8}to be teaching Bobby the facts of life.
52
00:02:08,253 --> 00:02:09,921
{\an8}That's his parents' job.
53
00:02:09,921 --> 00:02:10,880
{\an8}I agree.
54
00:02:10,964 --> 00:02:13,925
{\an8}If anybody should teach
our boy about... that,
55
00:02:13,925 --> 00:02:15,885
{\an8}it should be his parents.
56
00:02:15,969 --> 00:02:19,305
Something like that should, uh,
be taught in the home.
57
00:02:19,389 --> 00:02:21,141
Uh-huh. Where he lives.
58
00:02:21,141 --> 00:02:22,725
Absolutely.
59
00:02:22,809 --> 00:02:23,810
Yessiree.
60
00:02:24,435 --> 00:02:25,270
(birds chirping)
61
00:02:27,605 --> 00:02:29,232
Well, you're the expert.
62
00:02:29,232 --> 00:02:33,695
Substitute teacher of the year, 1996
as I recall.
63
00:02:33,695 --> 00:02:36,197
Oh, Hank. I'm also a decent woman.
64
00:02:37,198 --> 00:02:39,701
(sighs)
I got my back out here, Peg.
65
00:02:40,910 --> 00:02:42,579
-(sighs)
-(footsteps)
66
00:02:43,079 --> 00:02:45,832
♪ I like you, you're my friend ♪
67
00:02:45,832 --> 00:02:47,208
- PEGGY: Bobby?
-(knocks on door)
68
00:02:47,292 --> 00:02:48,835
♪ if you want, I'll be your friend ♪
69
00:02:48,835 --> 00:02:50,253
-(clatters)
- Bobby, honey.
70
00:02:50,253 --> 00:02:55,425
Um... What do you know
about sexual relations?
71
00:02:55,425 --> 00:02:56,885
I don't know.
72
00:02:56,885 --> 00:02:58,261
Nothing much.
73
00:02:59,512 --> 00:03:01,931
I'm a little worried about being a slut.
74
00:03:02,015 --> 00:03:03,725
- Uh-huh.
-(children chattering in distance)
75
00:03:03,725 --> 00:03:05,476
Well... Bobby.
76
00:03:05,560 --> 00:03:08,271
Your father and I decided
that as your parents
77
00:03:08,938 --> 00:03:11,816
that you and I should have a little talk
on the subject.
78
00:03:13,276 --> 00:03:15,195
You have noticed, I am sure
79
00:03:15,195 --> 00:03:19,365
that there are some pretty big differences
between boys and girls.
80
00:03:21,159 --> 00:03:22,577
I'm sure you know that.
81
00:03:23,494 --> 00:03:25,997
I mean, physically, boys are...
82
00:03:25,997 --> 00:03:27,373
They're different.
83
00:03:28,666 --> 00:03:31,794
They have something
that girls do not have.
84
00:03:31,878 --> 00:03:33,046
Yeah?
85
00:03:33,630 --> 00:03:35,048
You know...
86
00:03:35,048 --> 00:03:36,841
Something...
87
00:03:37,592 --> 00:03:38,927
You mean a penis?
88
00:03:40,595 --> 00:03:42,639
(children chattering in distance)
89
00:03:43,473 --> 00:03:44,474
-(rustles)
-(footsteps)
90
00:03:44,474 --> 00:03:45,475
(door closes)
91
00:03:45,600 --> 00:03:47,477
I didn't take sex ed In school.
92
00:03:47,477 --> 00:03:48,811
-(rustles)
- Come on, Boomhauer.
93
00:03:48,895 --> 00:03:50,647
- If you're going to prune, prune.
-(rasping)
94
00:03:50,647 --> 00:03:54,734
The army taught me everything
and in four different languages, too.
95
00:03:54,734 --> 00:03:57,278
Want to know how to get
a bar girl In the Philippines?
96
00:03:57,362 --> 00:04:01,783
The point is, there's no way
my son is learning the how-tos of romance
97
00:04:01,783 --> 00:04:04,577
from some bureaucrat regulatory handbook.
98
00:04:04,661 --> 00:04:05,912
Sume-ho!
99
00:04:05,912 --> 00:04:06,829
(saw rasping)
100
00:04:06,913 --> 00:04:08,039
Or something like that.
101
00:04:08,039 --> 00:04:10,708
And, Dale, the same applies
to your Joseph.
102
00:04:11,084 --> 00:04:13,503
I'd tear that permission slip up
if I were you.
103
00:04:13,503 --> 00:04:15,505
I'll do that and then some.
104
00:04:15,505 --> 00:04:18,508
This sex ed stuff goes higher
than the schools.
105
00:04:18,508 --> 00:04:22,095
It's that same old club crone
zero population bull dink
106
00:04:22,095 --> 00:04:24,514
that the UN's been trying for years.
107
00:04:24,514 --> 00:04:26,391
I tell you what, man,
this branch's fixing...
108
00:04:26,391 --> 00:04:28,935
- It's going to be-be...
-(thuds)
109
00:04:28,935 --> 00:04:31,020
- Heads up!
-(dogs barking in distance)
110
00:04:31,104 --> 00:04:34,774
They want to whittle us down
so we can't keep a standing army.
111
00:04:34,774 --> 00:04:38,027
That's when the Chinese'll come
marching in.
112
00:04:38,111 --> 00:04:39,320
All I'm saying is
113
00:04:39,404 --> 00:04:42,031
keep the government out
of the bedroom business.
114
00:04:42,115 --> 00:04:45,326
Teaching my boy
the facts of life is my job.
115
00:04:45,410 --> 00:04:46,786
- You got that right.
- Darn straight.
116
00:04:46,786 --> 00:04:47,870
Mm-hm.
117
00:04:47,954 --> 00:04:49,580
Hank, I couldn't get the words out.
118
00:04:49,664 --> 00:04:53,251
Oh, gee, you didn't send her in
to do a man's job, did you?
119
00:04:53,251 --> 00:04:54,711
I... Well...
120
00:04:54,711 --> 00:04:57,547
Maybe, you should let Boomhauer
teach him what he knows.
121
00:04:57,547 --> 00:05:00,383
Yeah, man. I tell you what you talk
about them dang old condom dispenser
122
00:05:00,383 --> 00:05:02,218
with them be put a little
50 cents in there.
123
00:05:02,302 --> 00:05:04,345
- And they try to hit that corner turn.
-(saw rasping)
124
00:05:04,429 --> 00:05:06,806
And bang on that thing.
And talking about her needs.
125
00:05:07,724 --> 00:05:09,309
God, no. That's all right.
126
00:05:10,018 --> 00:05:11,311
I guess I'll do it.
127
00:05:11,311 --> 00:05:13,730
My daddy told me the facts of life
128
00:05:13,730 --> 00:05:16,607
when I was Bobby's age,
and I turned out okay.
129
00:05:16,691 --> 00:05:19,152
-(soft music)
-(cows moo)
130
00:05:19,152 --> 00:05:20,778
Yee-ha-ha!
131
00:05:20,862 --> 00:05:22,363
Hey, what you crying for, boy?
132
00:05:22,447 --> 00:05:23,489
It's a good show.
133
00:05:23,573 --> 00:05:24,615
- This is a darn good show.
-(cows moo)
134
00:05:24,699 --> 00:05:25,908
Yeah.
135
00:05:26,659 --> 00:05:29,454
That's also how he taught me
about paying taxes.
136
00:05:29,454 --> 00:05:31,414
-(bright music)
-(car approaches)
137
00:05:31,414 --> 00:05:34,667
Well, there used to be a dairy farm
out here somewhere.
138
00:05:34,751 --> 00:05:37,211
- Oh, there we go.
-(engine revs)
139
00:05:38,713 --> 00:05:39,922
(cows moo)
140
00:05:40,006 --> 00:05:41,424
Gracie, this is Mr. Hill.
141
00:05:41,883 --> 00:05:44,427
Brought his son over
to learn the facts of life.
142
00:05:44,427 --> 00:05:46,763
Well, he sure came to the right place.
143
00:05:46,763 --> 00:05:49,766
We call this machine the matchmaker 500.
144
00:05:49,766 --> 00:05:51,267
(machine whirring)
145
00:05:51,351 --> 00:05:54,604
Now, Bobby, you're coming
to a time in your life
146
00:05:54,604 --> 00:05:58,983
when you're going to start to have
tender feelings for a girl.
147
00:05:59,734 --> 00:06:00,902
You're going to need to know
148
00:06:00,902 --> 00:06:04,030
what those feelings mean
and what to do about it.
149
00:06:04,030 --> 00:06:07,492
-(clattering)
-(mooing loudly)
150
00:06:07,492 --> 00:06:09,702
Oh, my God.
151
00:06:09,786 --> 00:06:12,246
Where's the other half
of that permission slip?
152
00:06:12,330 --> 00:06:14,415
I'm sure they will do
a good job at school.
153
00:06:14,499 --> 00:06:16,417
The health teacher is
a trained professional.
154
00:06:16,501 --> 00:06:18,127
Uh-huh. Keep digging.
155
00:06:19,587 --> 00:06:21,130
(rasping)
156
00:06:21,214 --> 00:06:24,842
Hey, Hank, I wouldn't sweat it anymore
about that sex ed stuff.
157
00:06:24,926 --> 00:06:25,802
What do you mean?
158
00:06:26,386 --> 00:06:27,929
(gasps)
All you got to know is
159
00:06:27,929 --> 00:06:29,263
- I took care of it.
-(rustles)
160
00:06:29,347 --> 00:06:31,099
- With one little phone call.
-(birds chirping)
161
00:06:31,099 --> 00:06:32,475
(chuckles)
162
00:06:32,475 --> 00:06:33,434
Hmm?
163
00:06:33,518 --> 00:06:34,685
(footsteps)
164
00:06:34,769 --> 00:06:36,312
Hey, Peg-leg.
165
00:06:36,396 --> 00:06:38,523
-(clanks)
- That was bobby's principal.
166
00:06:38,523 --> 00:06:40,858
Some right-wing maniac
called the health teacher
167
00:06:40,942 --> 00:06:42,485
with a death threat, and she quit.
168
00:06:42,485 --> 00:06:43,569
Oh, well.
169
00:06:43,653 --> 00:06:46,239
I'm sure it was just
some harmless nut case.
170
00:06:46,239 --> 00:06:47,740
-(birds chirping)
- Dang!
171
00:06:47,824 --> 00:06:49,158
- Geez!
-(liquid trickles)
172
00:06:49,242 --> 00:06:50,827
Hey, on the bright side,
173
00:06:50,827 --> 00:06:53,204
since there's no one to teach
that sex ed course,
174
00:06:53,204 --> 00:06:56,124
we can put all this ugliness
back in the closet.
175
00:06:56,124 --> 00:06:58,376
Oh, no, Hank. They found someone.
176
00:06:58,376 --> 00:07:01,421
They found the substitute
teacher of the year.
177
00:07:01,421 --> 00:07:04,006
Uh... 1995?
178
00:07:04,090 --> 00:07:06,050
1996.
179
00:07:06,134 --> 00:07:07,677
-(grunts)
-(quirky music sting)
180
00:07:08,719 --> 00:07:10,888
(quirky music)
181
00:07:10,972 --> 00:07:12,140
PEGGY: Oh, my.
182
00:07:12,140 --> 00:07:13,558
Oh, lord.
183
00:07:13,558 --> 00:07:15,435
-(paper rustles)
- Oh, for goodness' sake.
184
00:07:16,936 --> 00:07:20,565
This beauty school homework
is hard, Aunt Peggy.
185
00:07:20,565 --> 00:07:22,358
-(birds chirping)
- Aunt Peggy?
186
00:07:22,442 --> 00:07:25,403
Huh? Oh, I'm sorry, Luanne.
187
00:07:25,403 --> 00:07:26,904
I was not paying attention.
188
00:07:26,988 --> 00:07:28,531
Listen to this chapter title.
189
00:07:29,157 --> 00:07:31,451
"The 14 stages of Arousal."
190
00:07:31,451 --> 00:07:33,661
And then you turn the page and...
191
00:07:33,661 --> 00:07:36,831
Oh, my goodness, is that C. Everett Koop?
192
00:07:36,831 --> 00:07:40,668
That must be an old book
'cause now there's 18 stages.
193
00:07:40,668 --> 00:07:41,752
Oh, my.
194
00:07:41,836 --> 00:07:45,089
How am I going to say these words out loud
in front of a class?
195
00:07:45,173 --> 00:07:46,424
Let me see.
196
00:07:46,424 --> 00:07:50,178
"Self-exploration is
a perfectly natural exercise
197
00:07:50,178 --> 00:07:51,888
throughout pubescence."
198
00:07:51,888 --> 00:07:53,473
What's so hard about that?
199
00:07:53,473 --> 00:07:55,224
Luanne, honey, tell me
200
00:07:55,308 --> 00:07:58,728
what is it like to live
without shame of any kind?
201
00:07:58,728 --> 00:08:00,146
Is it a good feeling?
202
00:08:00,146 --> 00:08:01,606
(birds chirping)
203
00:08:01,606 --> 00:08:04,025
Yeah, it is.
204
00:08:04,025 --> 00:08:05,818
Well, I guess I am a little jealous.
205
00:08:05,902 --> 00:08:08,029
Things were very different
when I was a girl.
206
00:08:08,321 --> 00:08:09,572
-(light music)
- Honey...
207
00:08:09,572 --> 00:08:11,991
You're at that special time of life.
208
00:08:11,991 --> 00:08:15,328
The time when a little girl
becomes a woman,
209
00:08:15,328 --> 00:08:18,581
and you start getting a monthly visitor.
210
00:08:18,581 --> 00:08:20,500
Who? Uncle Joe?
211
00:08:22,043 --> 00:08:24,378
My mother gave me this,
and I'm passing it on to you.
212
00:08:26,130 --> 00:08:28,299
The Loveliness of Woman?
213
00:08:29,467 --> 00:08:32,386
There's nothing in here
but pictures of flowers.
214
00:08:32,970 --> 00:08:35,473
I never even kissed a boy until I was 20.
215
00:08:36,474 --> 00:08:37,725
Of course, he's dead now.
216
00:08:37,725 --> 00:08:38,935
(footsteps)
217
00:08:39,060 --> 00:08:41,062
Ooh, look, here's a chapter
218
00:08:41,062 --> 00:08:43,773
on communicating your needs
to your love partner.
219
00:08:43,773 --> 00:08:46,526
(gasps)
What kind of filth are you reading?
220
00:08:46,526 --> 00:08:48,402
It's Aunt Peggy's sex ed book.
221
00:08:48,486 --> 00:08:49,570
Say what?
222
00:08:49,654 --> 00:08:51,322
Let me take a look at that.
223
00:08:51,322 --> 00:08:52,990
What in the heck?
224
00:08:53,074 --> 00:08:57,245
That is the inside of a womb,
a woman's womb.
225
00:08:57,245 --> 00:09:00,373
My boy is not going to look
at the inside of a womb.
226
00:09:00,373 --> 00:09:02,917
He's only been out of yours for 11 years.
227
00:09:02,917 --> 00:09:05,044
- I think I need some water.
-(sighs)
228
00:09:05,044 --> 00:09:07,797
You want my Chandler or my Ross?
229
00:09:07,797 --> 00:09:10,216
Can I shoot him full of bbs?
230
00:09:10,216 --> 00:09:12,218
- Okay.
- Then Ross.
231
00:09:13,511 --> 00:09:15,805
- You sure you don't want him?
- Uh-huh.
232
00:09:15,805 --> 00:09:17,890
- I'm not going to need my toys anymore.
-(clatters)
233
00:09:17,974 --> 00:09:21,060
After I learn sex ed,
I'll be too busy dating.
234
00:09:21,060 --> 00:09:22,311
Who?
235
00:09:22,937 --> 00:09:23,896
I don't know.
236
00:09:24,647 --> 00:09:26,399
Whoever wants to have sex with me.
237
00:09:26,399 --> 00:09:27,692
(saw rasping)
238
00:09:27,692 --> 00:09:30,111
Well. What do you think,
a few more inches?
239
00:09:30,528 --> 00:09:32,738
Might as well.
It's just going to keep growing.
240
00:09:32,822 --> 00:09:34,907
- Well, so much for my phone call.
-(clanks)
241
00:09:34,991 --> 00:09:36,033
What are you talking about?
242
00:09:36,117 --> 00:09:40,079
They found some other depraved harlot
to teach that sex ed class.
243
00:09:40,079 --> 00:09:42,206
- Uh, Dale...
- Don't worry, Hank.
244
00:09:42,290 --> 00:09:45,626
I know people who can take care
of this woman, if you know what I mean.
245
00:09:45,710 --> 00:09:47,670
- That woman is my wife.
-(rasping)
246
00:09:47,670 --> 00:09:49,547
I thought Peggy was your wife.
247
00:09:49,547 --> 00:09:53,884
Dale, I think he's saying
Peggy's the new sex teacher.
248
00:09:53,968 --> 00:09:55,553
(birds chirping)
249
00:09:56,512 --> 00:09:58,723
(saw rasping)
250
00:09:58,723 --> 00:10:00,558
(dogs barking in distance)
251
00:10:00,558 --> 00:10:01,809
Yeah. What?
252
00:10:02,393 --> 00:10:04,645
- Nothing. I wasn't saying nothing.
- Nothing at all, Hank.
253
00:10:04,729 --> 00:10:07,481
Nothing wrong
with a little sexual education.
254
00:10:07,565 --> 00:10:12,528
No, sir. I bet Peggy will be introducing
some new ideas into the bedroom.
255
00:10:12,612 --> 00:10:13,988
- Dale...
- I'm just saying
256
00:10:13,988 --> 00:10:16,574
a woman who knows
is the toughest customer.
257
00:10:16,574 --> 00:10:18,618
Maybe you ought to hit the books too.
258
00:10:18,618 --> 00:10:20,620
What the heck is wrong with you all?
259
00:10:20,620 --> 00:10:22,788
What? Nothing, Hank. Just think.
260
00:10:22,872 --> 00:10:27,084
You'll be married to a woman
who knows everything about sex.
261
00:10:27,168 --> 00:10:29,295
I've never been with a woman like that...
262
00:10:30,004 --> 00:10:33,174
- Except, of course, a bar girl.
-(birds chirping)
263
00:10:33,174 --> 00:10:36,052
Of course I, I don't mean
that Peggy's a...
264
00:10:36,052 --> 00:10:37,845
a bar girl or nothing like that.
(chuckles)
265
00:10:37,845 --> 00:10:40,348
I mean, she just knows, you know
266
00:10:40,348 --> 00:10:43,059
what a bar girl... knows.
267
00:10:43,059 --> 00:10:44,560
-(thuds)
-(grunts, coughs)
268
00:10:44,644 --> 00:10:46,270
-(quirky music sting)
-(indistinct chatter)
269
00:10:46,354 --> 00:10:49,231
You know, there's a funny thing
happening down at school.
270
00:10:49,315 --> 00:10:53,069
They want me to teach this sex ed stuff
to our kids' class, you know?
271
00:10:53,069 --> 00:10:55,237
But I just don't know if I can overcome
272
00:10:55,321 --> 00:10:58,282
the crippling sense of shame
that I got from my mother.
273
00:10:58,366 --> 00:11:00,534
Phew. Well, we knew you wouldn't.
274
00:11:00,618 --> 00:11:04,288
Yeah, I've been telling people,
Peggy Hill is not one of those teachers
275
00:11:04,372 --> 00:11:08,167
that puts all that intellectual hooey
above common decency.
276
00:11:08,167 --> 00:11:09,293
Mm-hm.
277
00:11:09,377 --> 00:11:12,880
Well, sometimes
a little "intellectual hooey"
278
00:11:12,880 --> 00:11:14,006
is a good thing.
279
00:11:14,090 --> 00:11:16,592
Look, we all grew up
not knowing the real words
280
00:11:16,676 --> 00:11:19,345
for your dinkie and your woohoo,
and we turned out fine.
281
00:11:19,345 --> 00:11:21,430
I learned about sex from my mother.
282
00:11:21,514 --> 00:11:23,265
She gave me that wonderful book
283
00:11:23,349 --> 00:11:24,767
The Loveliness of Woman.
284
00:11:24,767 --> 00:11:26,060
That book is worthless.
285
00:11:26,060 --> 00:11:27,770
Well, I got a lot out of it.
286
00:11:27,770 --> 00:11:29,939
When my husband would crawl
all over me at night
287
00:11:29,939 --> 00:11:31,190
and do his business.
288
00:11:31,190 --> 00:11:35,152
Well, I would just close my eyes
and think of them pretty flowers.
289
00:11:35,236 --> 00:11:37,113
Oh, Bonnie, you poor, poor woman.
290
00:11:37,113 --> 00:11:38,364
(footsteps approaching)
291
00:11:39,532 --> 00:11:42,785
Hey, Bobby, your mom's going
to teach sex ed.
292
00:11:42,785 --> 00:11:43,869
Yeah, I know.
293
00:11:45,496 --> 00:11:47,331
We're going to get to see her boobs.
294
00:11:48,749 --> 00:11:50,084
- So?
-(birds chirping)
295
00:11:50,084 --> 00:11:51,085
HANK: Bobby, you're up.
296
00:11:51,836 --> 00:11:53,129
MAN: Come on, Bobby.
297
00:11:53,129 --> 00:11:54,547
(footsteps)
298
00:11:54,547 --> 00:11:56,257
Your dad lost his job.
299
00:11:58,134 --> 00:11:59,510
HANK: Run, bobby! Run!
300
00:11:59,510 --> 00:12:00,886
Run, run. Come on! Run!
301
00:12:00,970 --> 00:12:01,804
(rustles)
302
00:12:01,804 --> 00:12:03,431
Don't stop at first base, son.
303
00:12:03,431 --> 00:12:05,683
Go all the way, Bobby.
Go all the way, honey.
304
00:12:05,683 --> 00:12:08,185
BOY: Yeah, go all the way, you perv.
305
00:12:08,269 --> 00:12:11,397
(crowd laughing)
306
00:12:11,397 --> 00:12:12,773
(quirky music sting)
307
00:12:12,857 --> 00:12:14,483
(phone ringing)
308
00:12:14,567 --> 00:12:15,526
Hello?
309
00:12:15,526 --> 00:12:19,405
MAN (on phone): You don't know who I am,
but I know where you live
310
00:12:19,405 --> 00:12:22,825
And if you teach that sex ed class
so help me, I'll...
311
00:12:22,825 --> 00:12:24,994
Dale, is that you?
312
00:12:24,994 --> 00:12:26,328
Oh, Hank.
313
00:12:26,412 --> 00:12:28,330
Uh, can I speak with Peggy?
314
00:12:28,414 --> 00:12:30,708
Uh, Peggy, it's for you. It's Dale.
315
00:12:31,667 --> 00:12:32,835
Hello, Dale.
316
00:12:32,835 --> 00:12:36,922
You don't know who I am,
but I know where you live...
317
00:12:37,006 --> 00:12:38,424
(crickets chirping)
318
00:12:38,424 --> 00:12:40,342
PEGGY: Boy, you should have
heard Bonnie today.
319
00:12:40,426 --> 00:12:42,553
That woman has got one awful love life.
320
00:12:43,179 --> 00:12:44,096
Uh-huh.
321
00:12:44,180 --> 00:12:45,055
(paper rustles)
322
00:12:45,139 --> 00:12:46,307
Oh, my God.
323
00:12:47,266 --> 00:12:49,393
Hank, honey, would you like to rub
324
00:12:49,477 --> 00:12:51,479
some "Pretty feet and hands" on my back?
325
00:12:51,479 --> 00:12:54,690
Uh, isn't that just
for your feet and hands?
326
00:12:54,774 --> 00:12:55,983
Well, mainly.
327
00:12:55,983 --> 00:12:57,568
But you can use it everywhere.
328
00:12:57,568 --> 00:12:58,736
I'll pass.
329
00:12:58,736 --> 00:13:01,405
Well, how about if I put
a little on your elbows?
330
00:13:01,489 --> 00:13:03,491
It will moisturize and exfoliate.
331
00:13:03,491 --> 00:13:07,119
My elbows are fine.
You never complained about them before.
332
00:13:07,203 --> 00:13:09,455
It's just that it's so nice and cooling.
333
00:13:09,455 --> 00:13:11,582
It makes your elbows smooth.
334
00:13:11,582 --> 00:13:14,668
What? Where in the heck
are my elbows going to be
335
00:13:14,752 --> 00:13:16,212
that they need to be smooth?
336
00:13:16,212 --> 00:13:19,089
Well, honey, I just thought
it would be nice, you know, for later...
337
00:13:19,173 --> 00:13:20,591
For us to be all smooth.
338
00:13:20,591 --> 00:13:23,677
I don't mean to be rude or nothing,
but I'll pass.
339
00:13:24,970 --> 00:13:26,263
Look, Hank Hill,
340
00:13:26,347 --> 00:13:30,351
I did not ask to teach this class,
but I am a substitute teacher.
341
00:13:30,476 --> 00:13:34,271
That means I have to be prepared to go
wherever they need teachers most
342
00:13:34,355 --> 00:13:36,440
at any hour of the day or night.
343
00:13:36,524 --> 00:13:39,443
And teach anything from gym to home ec.
344
00:13:39,527 --> 00:13:41,946
I took an oath, darn it, excuse me.
345
00:13:41,946 --> 00:13:45,783
And if I start to pick and choose
the whole system just breaks down.
346
00:13:45,783 --> 00:13:48,410
Yeah? Well, you weren't
too proud to pick and choose
347
00:13:48,494 --> 00:13:51,080
when you had those Randy Travis tickets.
348
00:13:51,080 --> 00:13:53,874
Oh, no, those poor little kids
never did get to make
349
00:13:53,958 --> 00:13:55,918
- their clay ashtrays.
-(switch clicks)
350
00:13:55,918 --> 00:14:00,130
Well, they're darn sure going to know
the 18 stages of arousal.
351
00:14:00,214 --> 00:14:02,591
'Cause Peggy Hill is going
to teach that class.
352
00:14:02,883 --> 00:14:03,968
(rustles)
353
00:14:03,968 --> 00:14:05,010
Hmmph.
354
00:14:05,094 --> 00:14:06,053
HANK: Hmmph.
355
00:14:06,053 --> 00:14:08,097
(both grunting)
356
00:14:08,097 --> 00:14:10,933
This is a diagram of a woman's v-va...
357
00:14:10,933 --> 00:14:12,017
(taps)
358
00:14:12,101 --> 00:14:13,018
Va-va...
359
00:14:13,602 --> 00:14:14,603
va...
360
00:14:14,687 --> 00:14:17,189
Come on, Aunt Peggy, you can do it.
361
00:14:17,273 --> 00:14:18,607
A woman's va...
362
00:14:18,691 --> 00:14:20,860
-(grunting)
-(saw rasping)
363
00:14:20,860 --> 00:14:22,945
(dramatic music)
364
00:14:23,863 --> 00:14:28,158
This is a man's p-pe... pe...
365
00:14:28,242 --> 00:14:29,535
(grunts)
366
00:14:29,535 --> 00:14:33,038
(light music)
367
00:14:42,006 --> 00:14:44,049
-(rasps)
-(footsteps)
368
00:14:44,133 --> 00:14:45,384
-(sighs)
-(birds chirping)
369
00:14:45,509 --> 00:14:47,303
Well, what do you think?
370
00:14:47,303 --> 00:14:49,305
Mm-hmm. Nice and clean.
371
00:14:49,305 --> 00:14:53,058
But I think old Sigmund Freud
might have a thing or two to say about it.
372
00:14:53,142 --> 00:14:54,101
What?
373
00:14:54,101 --> 00:14:55,644
Oh, no!
374
00:14:55,728 --> 00:14:57,396
(rasping)
375
00:14:57,396 --> 00:14:58,439
Happiness.
376
00:14:59,148 --> 00:15:00,774
Hap-piness.
377
00:15:01,859 --> 00:15:03,944
Hap-pi-ness.
378
00:15:04,445 --> 00:15:06,488
Hap-piness.
379
00:15:08,282 --> 00:15:09,366
Penis.
380
00:15:10,534 --> 00:15:11,702
I did it.
(sighs)
381
00:15:12,369 --> 00:15:13,412
Ovaries.
382
00:15:14,413 --> 00:15:15,789
Uvula.
383
00:15:16,540 --> 00:15:17,750
Uterus.
384
00:15:18,375 --> 00:15:19,543
Vagina!
385
00:15:19,627 --> 00:15:21,170
(sputters)
386
00:15:22,046 --> 00:15:23,714
- Hey, Hank, I just said...
-(footsteps)
387
00:15:23,714 --> 00:15:26,717
I heard you. The whole neighborhood
can hear you cussing.
388
00:15:26,717 --> 00:15:29,637
It's not cussing, Hank, to say the name
of a god-given body part.
389
00:15:29,637 --> 00:15:31,513
Well, it is if it's a part of the body
390
00:15:31,597 --> 00:15:34,099
that was meant to be concealed
by an undergarment.
391
00:15:34,183 --> 00:15:37,478
You're dealing with organs that
people just don't want to know about.
392
00:15:37,478 --> 00:15:39,146
Well, Bobby ought to know about them.
393
00:15:39,146 --> 00:15:41,857
We don't want him growing up
as repressed as we did.
394
00:15:41,941 --> 00:15:44,693
Sure we do.
I'm drawing the line here, Peggy.
395
00:15:44,777 --> 00:15:47,363
My son is not going
to learn this crazy crap.
396
00:15:47,863 --> 00:15:52,201
It says right here he can't take the class
without permission of both his parents.
397
00:15:52,201 --> 00:15:53,452
Now, just hold on.
398
00:15:53,452 --> 00:15:56,705
Are you saying I am not good enough
to teach my own son?
399
00:15:56,789 --> 00:15:59,959
If you do not approve,
you do not have to sign.
400
00:15:59,959 --> 00:16:02,586
And I do not approve. Permission denied.
401
00:16:02,670 --> 00:16:04,421
-(footsteps)
-(rustling)
402
00:16:04,505 --> 00:16:06,924
This darn strapping tape.
(grunts)
403
00:16:08,008 --> 00:16:10,469
(quirky music sting)
404
00:16:14,515 --> 00:16:16,809
Come on, Bobby.
You're coming to work with me.
405
00:16:17,393 --> 00:16:19,228
-(somber music)
-(footsteps)
406
00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:24,149
-(quirky music)
-(rustles)
407
00:16:24,233 --> 00:16:25,442
(vibrating)
408
00:16:25,526 --> 00:16:26,443
PEGGY: Huh. Oh, my.
409
00:16:26,527 --> 00:16:27,569
(clicks)
410
00:16:28,654 --> 00:16:31,407
(footsteps)
411
00:16:32,825 --> 00:16:34,952
- Uh... No, Mr. Hudson.
-(squeaks)
412
00:16:34,952 --> 00:16:38,580
We don't recommend using propane
to fill party balloons.
413
00:16:39,790 --> 00:16:43,877
Well, yeah, it is a gas,
but it's in a liquid state.
414
00:16:43,961 --> 00:16:45,170
-(paper rustles)
- Well, okay,
415
00:16:45,254 --> 00:16:47,715
but you might want
to blow out those candles.
416
00:16:47,715 --> 00:16:49,758
Uh. look. I'm going to have
to call you back.
417
00:16:49,842 --> 00:16:50,759
- Bobby...
-(clanks)
418
00:16:50,843 --> 00:16:51,844
Hey, that's my work.
419
00:16:51,844 --> 00:16:54,263
- Now, just sit still, okay?
-(drawer closes)
420
00:16:54,263 --> 00:16:55,222
(chair squeaking)
421
00:16:55,222 --> 00:16:57,766
What do you think
mom's telling all those guys?
422
00:16:57,850 --> 00:17:00,227
I don't know. I don't want to know.
423
00:17:00,227 --> 00:17:02,271
Just try not to think about it.
424
00:17:02,271 --> 00:17:03,772
Okay.
425
00:17:03,856 --> 00:17:06,191
(squeaking continues)
426
00:17:06,275 --> 00:17:08,110
What do you think mom's saying to them?
427
00:17:08,110 --> 00:17:10,237
I said not to think about it.
428
00:17:10,237 --> 00:17:12,197
Think about something else.
429
00:17:12,281 --> 00:17:13,323
Okay.
430
00:17:14,658 --> 00:17:15,617
(squeaking)
431
00:17:15,701 --> 00:17:18,662
Dad, do you ever have sex anymore?
432
00:17:18,746 --> 00:17:19,872
HANK: Uh...
433
00:17:21,540 --> 00:17:22,666
Well, uh...
434
00:17:23,500 --> 00:17:26,462
Come on, Bobby.
Can't you think of something pleasant?
435
00:17:27,046 --> 00:17:28,881
-(rustles)
-(chair squeaks)
436
00:17:28,881 --> 00:17:31,717
What do you think
mom's telling all those guys?
437
00:17:32,217 --> 00:17:33,594
(chattering in distance)
438
00:17:33,594 --> 00:17:35,429
GIRL: I only have your homework,
I didn't take it.
439
00:17:35,554 --> 00:17:37,181
(door opens, closes)
440
00:17:37,181 --> 00:17:39,516
-(footsteps)
-(silence)
441
00:17:39,600 --> 00:17:41,393
-(rustles)
-(thuds)
442
00:17:43,062 --> 00:17:44,646
Good morning, class.
(Peggy sighs)
443
00:17:44,730 --> 00:17:47,900
Today, we're going to discuss
the subject of Human Relations
444
00:17:47,900 --> 00:17:49,568
otherwise known as...
445
00:17:51,695 --> 00:17:53,363
Human Relations.
446
00:17:53,447 --> 00:17:55,199
I am your substitute teacher.
447
00:17:55,199 --> 00:17:56,533
My name is Peggy Hill.
448
00:17:58,035 --> 00:17:59,244
Okey-dokey.
449
00:17:59,912 --> 00:18:01,622
Any questions so far?
450
00:18:02,915 --> 00:18:04,083
Dad?
451
00:18:04,083 --> 00:18:05,167
What?
452
00:18:05,167 --> 00:18:08,087
I just wanted to say,
you don't have to worry about me
453
00:18:08,087 --> 00:18:10,130
'cause I'm never going to have sex.
454
00:18:10,214 --> 00:18:12,466
Whoa, Bobby. Now, don't say that.
455
00:18:12,466 --> 00:18:14,551
I thought that's what you wanted.
456
00:18:14,635 --> 00:18:18,347
Well, yes, if you were my daughter,
but you're my son.
457
00:18:19,473 --> 00:18:23,560
Why is it not okay for girls,
but it's okay for boys?
458
00:18:23,644 --> 00:18:26,355
It's called the double standard, Bobby.
Don't knock it.
459
00:18:26,355 --> 00:18:28,982
We got the long end
of the stick on that one.
460
00:18:29,066 --> 00:18:30,359
I see.
461
00:18:30,359 --> 00:18:33,654
That's why mom's bad
for talking about sex.
462
00:18:33,654 --> 00:18:35,280
(sighs)
Bobby, look.
463
00:18:35,364 --> 00:18:37,950
Just because your mom's
been using those words
464
00:18:37,950 --> 00:18:39,576
doesn't mean she's bad.
465
00:18:39,660 --> 00:18:42,037
She's just trying to do her job,
466
00:18:42,121 --> 00:18:44,873
give the kids the proper names for things.
467
00:18:45,624 --> 00:18:49,795
Imagine how hard that is for your mother
trying to teach a roomful
468
00:18:49,795 --> 00:18:51,421
of snickering fifth-graders
469
00:18:51,505 --> 00:18:53,549
the difference
between a boy and a girl's...
470
00:18:53,549 --> 00:18:54,675
- Uh...
-(scratches)
471
00:18:54,675 --> 00:18:56,260
...you know, hookups.
472
00:18:58,262 --> 00:19:01,140
That woman's
got a lot of guts, I'll tell you what.
473
00:19:01,140 --> 00:19:04,768
- That's Mrs. Peggy hill.
-(chalk scraping)
474
00:19:05,602 --> 00:19:09,273
H-I-L-L.
475
00:19:09,773 --> 00:19:11,441
You can call me Mrs. Hill.
476
00:19:11,525 --> 00:19:12,943
You can call me Peggy.
477
00:19:12,943 --> 00:19:14,444
Or Peggy Hill.
478
00:19:15,487 --> 00:19:17,614
(softly)
Okay, come on, Peggy Hill.
479
00:19:17,698 --> 00:19:18,782
You can do this.
480
00:19:19,575 --> 00:19:20,701
(clears throat)
481
00:19:20,701 --> 00:19:23,036
Okay, today's subject...
482
00:19:23,120 --> 00:19:24,872
(door opens)
483
00:19:24,872 --> 00:19:26,248
(light music sting)
484
00:19:26,248 --> 00:19:27,666
- Just have a seat.
-(footsteps)
485
00:19:27,666 --> 00:19:30,711
I'm sure your teacher can tell you
everything you need to know.
486
00:19:30,711 --> 00:19:31,753
(quirky music sting)
487
00:19:31,837 --> 00:19:36,258
She was substitute teacher of the year
in 1996, I understand.
488
00:19:36,258 --> 00:19:38,719
-(quirky music)
-(door closes)
489
00:19:39,678 --> 00:19:41,263
All right, class, let's do it.
490
00:19:41,972 --> 00:19:44,057
Today, I'm going to teach you sex ed.
491
00:19:44,141 --> 00:19:46,059
It's difficult subject matter,
492
00:19:46,143 --> 00:19:48,353
but if we approach it with common sense,
493
00:19:48,437 --> 00:19:51,773
I believe, we might learn something
that could enrich our lives.
494
00:19:51,857 --> 00:19:52,983
But before we begin,
495
00:19:52,983 --> 00:19:55,402
please, bring your permission slips
up to my desk.
496
00:19:55,402 --> 00:19:58,530
And those of you whose parents did not
give you permission to learn with me,
497
00:19:58,614 --> 00:20:00,741
well, you can read for an hour
in the school library.
498
00:20:01,450 --> 00:20:03,827
KIDS: Sorry, Peggy. Sorry, Mrs Peggy Hill.
499
00:20:05,704 --> 00:20:06,538
(door closes)
500
00:20:06,622 --> 00:20:08,749
Looks like it's just you and me, mom.
501
00:20:08,749 --> 00:20:10,834
- Okay, son.
-(light music)
502
00:20:10,918 --> 00:20:13,378
Well, let's begin
503
00:20:13,462 --> 00:20:15,756
with the difference
between boys and girls.
504
00:20:15,756 --> 00:20:17,633
You mean the penis?
505
00:20:17,633 --> 00:20:19,509
Yes, the penis.
506
00:20:20,385 --> 00:20:21,345
(crickets chirping)
507
00:20:21,345 --> 00:20:22,471
(footsteps)
508
00:20:22,471 --> 00:20:23,513
Hello?
509
00:20:24,139 --> 00:20:24,973
Bobby?
510
00:20:25,891 --> 00:20:27,267
Luanne?
511
00:20:27,351 --> 00:20:28,518
Well, is anybody home?
512
00:20:29,478 --> 00:20:31,104
- Where is everybody?
- Uh...
513
00:20:31,188 --> 00:20:34,107
I sent the kids off
to see a double feature.
514
00:20:34,650 --> 00:20:38,779
♪ You're mine always and forever ♪
515
00:20:38,779 --> 00:20:40,489
May I have this dance?
516
00:20:40,489 --> 00:20:42,407
(mellow music playing)
517
00:20:42,491 --> 00:20:45,077
Mmm! Smooth elbows, Peg.
518
00:20:46,119 --> 00:20:49,081
I seem to recall
you kind of like being dipped.
519
00:20:49,081 --> 00:20:51,333
Oh, Hank, watch your back.
520
00:20:51,333 --> 00:20:52,709
Good as ever.
521
00:20:52,793 --> 00:20:54,294
(mellow music continues)
522
00:20:54,378 --> 00:20:55,420
HANK, PEGGY: Ooohhh!
523
00:20:55,504 --> 00:20:56,463
-(thuds)
- HANK: Ah.
524
00:20:57,047 --> 00:20:58,215
Are you okay?
525
00:20:58,215 --> 00:20:59,258
PEGGY: Uh-huh.
526
00:20:59,258 --> 00:21:02,302
HANK: Well, uh, as long
as we're down here...
527
00:21:02,386 --> 00:21:03,512
(Hank and Peggy chuckles)
528
00:21:03,512 --> 00:21:05,931
♪ I'm lost in your perfume ♪
529
00:21:05,931 --> 00:21:07,975
(phone ringing)
530
00:21:11,144 --> 00:21:13,563
PEGGY: Hello. You have reached
the Hill Residence.
531
00:21:14,189 --> 00:21:16,066
Please leave a message at the tone.
532
00:21:16,066 --> 00:21:16,984
(phone beeps)
533
00:21:16,984 --> 00:21:19,152
DALE: You don't know who I am,
534
00:21:19,236 --> 00:21:22,614
but I know where you live, sex ed teacher.
535
00:21:22,698 --> 00:21:26,285
And you better cut it out
if you know what's good for you.
536
00:21:27,619 --> 00:21:31,748
Oh, and Hank, we changed
that tee off time to three o'clock.
537
00:21:31,832 --> 00:21:32,833
See ya.
538
00:21:39,423 --> 00:21:41,466
(closing theme music)