Hey, me and Dale are taking Bobby's troop up by the lake
for order of the straight arrow this weekend.
Y'all want to come, for old time's sake?
Well, of course I'll go.
I'll never miss an order of the straight arrow...
- Not since ours.
Yeah, ours was something special.
Now, for the final test.
The snipe hunt.
Not going to sugarcoat it.
Some of you ain't coming back.
Those who survive will be honored members
Of the order of the straight arrow.
- Those who don't will be dead.
are you ready?
Yeah! Uh...
- Oh.
You flunked the test of silence, Eustis.
Give me your silence stick.
For the rest of your long, miserable life,
you will carry the scar of failure.
Now, go get me a beer.
And you boys, get out there and bag some snipe.
Snipe!
Shut up, Dale. There is no snipe.
I heard my dad talking to your dad.
So what are we doing out here?
We're gonna get snackered I tell you what, boys.
I want to get all messed up and'li just pollute our minds
is a three cheeks of down wind, man
- Yeah, that's the good stuff.
When I grow up I'm going to drink this stuff every day
just like my dad and fly jets and maybe even be an astronaut.
I'm going to live in London
and be a rich millionaire and have people killed.
I'm going to sell propane and propane accessories
if my grades are good enough.
Oh, kids and their crazy dreams.
I'm so depressed I can't even blink.
Well, we're going to make some men
out of those 12-year-old boys tomorrow. I tell you what .
But we still get to play practical jokes, right?
They're not jokes, Bill.
They're painful lessons.
I thank my father for all the tricks he played on me.
He taught me the most wonderful lesson a child can learn,
never trust nobody.
That's how I know Bob Dole's faking that dead arm.
I tell you what you do, man, that dang old hand in the water trick
is gonna work every time.
Man, you just put it in the water like that. And it don't.
They'd spend a whole dad-gum day like that cleanin' that dang pee-pee.
Ah, but... Those are getting tired.
We need some new material.
Dad, can me and Bobby bring life preservers?
If you want to be sissies.
He said yes.
Hey, Dale, there's your wife's, uh...
Healer.
Yeah, John Redcorn. Let's get some funny Indian stuff to do.
Hey, John Redcorn.
Hank, Dale, Bill, Boomhauer.
John Redcorn, we've got this Order of the Straight Arrow Retreat tomorrow.
And I was wondering--
I'd be honored to look after your wife.
Oh. Well, gee, thanks.
But what I was really wondering is if you had some good Indian stuff
for the ceremony around the campfire.
Hmm. Our rituals are considered sacred
and are passed down only in the nation.
Oh, well, that don't bother us.
Hell, no. We'll take a sacred one.
There is a very ancient ceremony I learned from my grandfather.
- We call upon the sacred wumatanya.
And we ask him to breathe life into our spirit bag.
Let's see, spirit bags, Wumatanya,
funny-looking headband...
Oh, the boys are gonna eat this stuff up.
The spirit bag is very sacred.
You should not make light.
I like how you say everything's sacred.
That's funny, too.
Let's do that, Hank.
I got a bunch of ladies' tennis socks we can use
for spirit bags.
I got them in the divorce.
Now every time she plays,
she gets blisters.
It's been six years, Bill.
Don't you think she'd have bought some new socks by now?
Mm-hm.
I want to get that straight arrow patch so bad.
I'm going to put it right here.
Next to my sewing badge.
It's supposed to be hard.
I heard they make you walk on hot coals
and then you have to eat them.
Ew!
After you walk on them?
- Hell, that's hot.
- Hell, you're not kidding. - Fu...
Pardonez me! Did I just hear what I almost heard?
I was going to say
"Fu... Get about it."
Son, Peggy Hill knows half a swear word when she hears one.
Now, go to sleep.
You have the coolest mom.
She smells like miracle whip.
Hey, guys.
- Eustis. - Hey, Eustis.
Hey, useless.
Hmm. Ha-ha.
- All right, Randy.
Remember the purpose of this weekend is to have fun.
Daddy loves you whether you Get your straight arrow patch or not.
Huh. What a load.
Can you imagine how I'd have turned out if my dad had loved me no matter what?
- Thanks for the bus fare, Aunt Peggy. - Don't be silly, honey.
It's important that you be there for your mama.
This is her big day.
Well, actually, her big day is the sentencing.
This is just the arraignment.
Here's a funsaver.
Take lots of pictures.
- Well, okay.
There we go.
Have a good time.
Here's a funsaver. Take lots of pictures.
Gosh, Peg, if I didn't know better I'd think you were anxious to see us go.
Well, that is not true. You and bobby are my whole life.
Come on, kids, let's go!
- Everybody in the car! Andale!
Now!
Hold on, boys.
Before we go we have to ask the great spirit, uh...
Wumatanya to watch over us on this trip.
- Cool. - Ooh. Indian stuff.
Wumatanya.
This trip is about the sacredness of mother earth
and all she gives us
so, pee now, 'cause once we're on the road we ain't stopping.
I'll see you Sunday, Peg.
Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, bye-bye.
Oh, damn it.
Looks like we're delayed a couple hours.
I got to charge up the battery.
Pop the clutch, hon!
Wumatanya. Let's spot license plates.
I see Texas. Wumatanya.
Wumatanya. There's another Texas. Wumatanya.
Wumatanya. I see Texas. Wumatanya.
Oh, God.
Wumatanya. Texas. Wumatanya.
Would you guys just shut up?
You didn't say wumatanya.
Oh.
Boomhauer, pass them. I got an idea.
Pass them up.
Whoo-hoo
Wumatanya. I see Mr. Gribble's butt. Wumatanya.
Give 'em a little pressed ham. Woo!
Wumatanya. I see Texas. Wumatanya.
All right, that's it.
Everybody pile out, Right now.
Okay, the 24-hour oath of silence starts now.
Here are your silence sticks.
Those are Slim Jims.
That's what the white man calls them.
Wumatanya calls them silence sticks to test your spirit of shutting up.
Each time you talk, I take a bite.
Talk five times and you're out.
24-hour silence starting now.
Right now?
Bobby, son, you just talked.
Now, I'll let that pass, but don't talk again.
Thanks, Dad.
Son, give me that Slim Jim.
Oh, ah!
Oh.
I'm hungry.
No problem.
Mr. Hill, wake up!
Ha! That was a test.
Joseph, give Mr. Dauterive a bite of your silence stick.
Remember, kids,
you never know when you're going to be tested.
Now, who else is hungry?
I am.
Gotcha.
Bobby, Randy, Garth,
pass your silence sticks up.
- See, kids, it's harder than you think. - Mm.
You don't want to end up like Randy's dad.
My dad's a successful patent lawyer.
Not in the eyes of wumatanya.
I'm still hungry.
Who wants a dollar? Say "me."
Me.
Well, these things are addictive.
Lord, Bobby, watch out, son.
You've lost more chaws than anybody.
Now, don't talk, no matter what.
Whoo-hoo!
Wumatanya. Mr. Gribble's not wearing his seat...
Bobby! You just got four in a row.
One more bite and you can't make straight arrow.
I'll take that jerky now.
Here it is, boys, the great outdoors.
Thanks to our efforts, we have preserved the nesting areas
for the Texas spotted owl.
The snail darter and the endangered whooping crane,
and we eliminated 300 logging jobs.
- Yeah, right on, man. - Right on.
And also, this note, people.
The brown herbal ecstasy is bad.
Do not, I repeat, do not take the brown herbal ecstasy.
Thank you all.
Oh, man, what kind of lefty hootenanny is this?
Look at that one bouncing around in front of god and everybody.
Would it kill a tree if she wore a bra?
Hmm...
Mm-hmm.
I'm beginning to think this silence thing is just so we don't bother them.
They're not testing anything except for how dumb we are.
- It's all a trick. - My dad wouldn't trick us!
"My dad wouldn't trick us."
Wumatanya!
Wumatanya. Who wants another beer? Wumatanya.
I am kicking elk.
As long as the sacred fire is burning,
the Oath of Silence is suspended.
- Whew! - Thank the lord.
- My lips are stuck together. - Shut up. I'm talking here.
We of the order of the straight arrow
call upon the spirit wumatanya,
protector of the sacred ground
that brings us cool water to drink,
and energy-efficient, clean-burning propane gas
for all our sacred heating and cooking needs.
Wumatanya says respect the earth.
She's ours, by god. Our taxes paid for her.
Also, uh, it says here you've got to love all her creatures.
Uh, let's see.
Oh, here we go.
Though we walk through the valley of the shadow of death.
You're going to recommend us to the spirit in the sky.
With liberty and justice for all.
Wumatanya is with you
and with Texas.
Amen.
- I'd like a room, please.
Name?
I am Senora Gracia Ibanez.
And I will be paying in cash.
Now we will say the oath
of the order of the straight arrow.
A straight arrow tells the truth.
A straight arrow loves nature.
A straight arrow is against Bill HR 57
to allow the importation of South American propane.
Wumatanya.
And now for the final test,
the snipe hunt.
You are about to come face to face
with the deadliest beast in creation.
Those who survive will be honored members
of the order of the straight arrow.
And those who don't will be dead.
Oh, wumatanya, protect us on our hunt.
All right. This here's your whup-ass stick
to beat the snipe back in case he comes at you.
Wh... What does a snipe look like?
It's got red, glowing eyes, long, crooked teeth
a claw and a tail
with another claw on the end.
Easy, Dale.
Bill and I will take the lead.
Boomhauer and Dale will bring up the rear.
Remember, the snipe call is this.
Woo-loo-loo, woo-loo-loo.
Well, call him out, boys.
He's not just going to show up.
Woo-loo-loo, woo-loo-loo.
Ooh, I think I hear him.
Look out, Bill. He almost got you.
Ooh!
Woo-loo-loo.
Woo-loo-loo. Woo-loo-loo.
They'll be out there another hour.
Then we'll go get them.
Boy, this takes me back.
I got one!
What the?
What are you talking about?
Oh, my lord.
That's a whooping crane.
Hmm, there's only five of those left in the world.
Well, four now.
Then we should be thankful
we got the opportunity to see one.
Now you done it.
Now you really gone and done it.
What do you mean "You"?
We're all in this together.
Whoa, no.
Me and Boomhauer came on our own trip
in our own conveyance.
You and I may be acquainted,
but we are not traveling companions.
I'm merely here to enjoy earth day
and play some hackey-sack.
Dale, I'm going to need you to give me the keys now.
I can't believe it.
It wasn't your fault, Bobby.
You thought it was a snipe.
We all did.
It was.
But wumatanya turned it into a whooping crane,
so I could live to get my straight arrow badge.
Bobby, don't you get it?
Your dad made all that up.
There's no such thing as a snipe.
No!
My dad is the arrow leader.
He speaks only with honor.
We'll ditch the carcass by the interstate in the morning.
Now let's just go to sleep.
Yes, yes.
We... We'll all just go to sleep now.
Bill, get his pants and shoes.
Ok'll doke.
Sir?
Huh?
Huh-uh-huh-huh.
Sir, I'm sorry to disturb you.
I'm with the forestry service, and we're looking
for a missing whooping crane.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
And, well, you see, the bird's tagged with a little transmitter,
and I've tracked it to within ten yards of your campsite.
You haven't seen it, have you?
A whooping crane in these parts?
I think I would have noticed something like that.
They're pretty rare, aren't they?
Oh, yes. Very rare and beautiful.
Sir, do you know anything about this?
Yeah, man, tell you what
one of them snipes, man, with that stick...
That bag... Then whack! Whack! Man and he'd go "Woo-loo"... big mistake.
Right there in that cooler.
Well, if you do see anything,
you can contact the ranger station.
How about you boys?
Well, yeah, we saw...
Uh... They can't talk for 24 hours.
Order of the straight arrow, you know?
Gotcha.
I was in the order myself.
Ah, the straight arrow hasn't changed a bit
since I was a boy.
We got to get rid of this bird.
What the...
wumatanya, wumatanya
Wumatanya.
Bobby. Cripes!
Put that thing down.
Stop fooling around.
We've got to bury that thing fast.
We can't just bury it, Dad.
Remember?
Wumatanya wants us to honor the bird's sacred spirit.
And we will do just that
in the dumpster behind stuckey's.
Now let's get out of here before someone sees us.
Murderers!
I have got to tell the ranger.
- Brock. - Gracia.
I almost could not get away.
Amigo, it is time for some new zapatas
Or "shoes" as you say in your country.
Senora, I have an Italian mock alligator.
You are going to love.
A size 16 for senora Ibanez, triple "E".
Brock, you are a genius.
Now, this is why I come to lubbock's very big shoes.
I'll have chuck and buzz carry the box out to the car for you.
I saw him waving it over his head really proud.
Mm-hm.
I also heard that they were hunting snipe last night.
There is no snipe.
My God! How many more species have to be wiped out before we learn?
Easy, easy.
Don't draw attention. We're almost there.
- We're going to make it.
What's that flapping sound?
Taste the wind one last time, bird spirit.
Bobby!
There they are, the nature haters.
Let's get them!
Pull over right here by that culvert.
Well, we can't stuff this bird in here.
It'll never fit.
You could eat it.
Damn, and I filled up on silence sticks.
Brother bird, I have given you a last flight
and made my peace with you.
I release your spirit to wumatanya.
Woo-loo-loo!
Son, would you please knock it off?
You're driving me nuts.
There is no wumatanya.
It's just some darn nonsense
we made up to fill out the weekend.
Tell him, Dale.
How do you know my name,
crane killer?
I never met any of you people before in my life.
Tell him, Bill.
He's right, Bobby. It's all a crock.
Those spirit bags of yours are just my ex-wife's old socks.
And, by the way, I want them back.
So everything you said was all a lie?
Yes. That's the secret of the snipe hunt.
That's the whole point.
Oh.
I get it...
- I guess.
Bobby, I didn't mean to let you down.
I just...
When Dale and Bill and Boomhauer and me
went through this as kids,
all the tricks and lies from our dads,
they were part of the experience.
It brought us all together.
You know, us against them.
I don't want to be against you.
You're my dad.
We're supposed to be on the same team.
Of course we're on the same team,
you and me.
And now, team Hill is going to bury
that whooping crane together
and get out of this park without getting caught.
- There they are.
Sir, you lied to me.
You lied to this little boy.
And I don't know what you did to this gentleman
in his underwear.
I'm going to have to take you in to the ranger station.
Son, hand me the bird body.
I need it for evidence.
- It's a miracle.
Well, I'll be damned.
Wumatanya!
I guess knocking a crane unconscious isn't a crime,
although it's probably not good for them!
You're free to go.
I knew you wouldn't lie to me, Dad.
That was just the final test.
Wumatanya does exist.
The bird was just unconscious, Bobby.
No. It was dead
until I made wumatanya bring it back to life.
I'm a shaman.
Oh, God, my head hurts.
I can heal you, Dad.
Woo-loo-loo!
Well, welcome home, boys. Did you have fun?
Oh, don't ask.
How was your weekend?
My... Oh, same old, same old.
Did you do some shopping?
Mm-hmm, yeah.
I bought a microwave.
Boy, I tell you what this family goes through microwaves
quicker than most people go through shoes.
Yeah, mm-hmm.