What do you say we tee off together, Hank?
Sure thing, Willie.
Dead solid perfect!
Ah.
You know, Hank, I've always wanted to sell propane
and propane accessories like you do.
But I guess this dang music thing came up.
Well, ain't no changing the past, I guess.
Let's jam.
Ah... ah... aah!
What in the name of God...?
Bobby!
Uh-oh.
Son, have you lost your mind?
Aren't you supposed to knock first?
I could have been naked.
Bobby, how many times have I told you?
Betsy is not a toy.
- She's a 1963 guild, solid-top...
What's that smell?
You been playing this with your feet?
That's cheese, dad.
Why would there ever be cheese on Betsy?
It's funny. It's a comedy routine.
You know, play the guitar with a piece of cheese
and you go, "Hey, look at me,
I'm Eddie Cheddar!"
You know, it's from Celery Head.
What is a "Celery Head"?
He's the world's best comedian.
He glues things.
Like he glues a kleenex box
to a tennis shoe and goes...
..."This is in case you have a runny nose."
That's not a joke, son.
That's a waste of good glue.
Well, he makes three million dollars a year.
You must have got that wrong.
People don't pay money to see things like that.
Now, Robert Klein,
that's something you pay money for.
What is going on in there?
Peggy, I'm worried about our boy.
Some green-haired freak told him to rub cheese
on my guitar.
Oh, you mean Celery Head.
I saw him on entertainment tonight.
He makes three million dollars a year.
Luanne, good lord!
Put on some pants.
I'm wearing shorts.
Aah!
Don't scare me like that.
Look at this, Peggy.
The boy chipped Betsy's bridge
and he woke me up
from my Willie Nelson golfing dream number three.
Hank, calm down.
It is just a bunch of wood and some wires.
Wood and wires?
I've had Betsy since high school.
I took her to the prom.
I love this guitar.
Do you understand what I'm saying?
Do you understand what love means?
Yes. I love my family.
Yeah, now you're getting it.
That's the kind of love I have for Betsy.
I'm going back to sleep.
You coming?
Uh-uh. I'm already up.
Besides, I wouldn't want to make Betsy jealous.
Luanne, would you please not sit like that?
I sell propane
and propane accessories.
I tell you what.
- Shut up, Dale.
- Oh. Ah, ah, ah!
Aah! Willie, no!
That's a one-way street!
Cripes, Bobby, what happened to my truck?
Your mower hit it.
Well, maybe I ought to send my mower
to one of those children psychologists.
Are you mad about something, Aunt Peggy?
Mad? Why would I be mad?
- Just because Hank pays more attention...
...to that silly guitar than he does to me.
Lay off the gas, Aunt Peg.
If I break another nail, I'll fail my manicure final.
Are you having trouble at the beauty academy, Luanne?
No.
I'm also failing braidwork.
Braidwork does not come natural to the women
in our family, honey.
You know it, I know it
and the whole town knows it.
- Sounds like your horn's going off.
You really think so, Bill?
Oh, yeah.
Darn it, Hank.
You know I can't have loud, sudden noises
while I'm meditating.
I was a nose hair away from attaining inner peace.
- Yaah!
Don't even try to take credit for that.
It was not done by me.
It was done through me.
What is that "chinging" noise?
One of those stealth helicopters
with computerized noise cancellation capability.
They're still working the "chings" out.
How'd you know about stealth helicopters?
- Alt. Conspiracy. Black. Helicopters.
Yeah, man, I tell you what, that dang old internet man.
You just go on in there and point in click.
Get in there and talk about www.wcallme...
You got them naked chicks on there, man.
You go click, click, click...
- It's real easy, man.
Bobby, give me that club!
Son, maybe I'm not getting through to you.
Let me explain.
You got to respect other people's things.
You do not use a man's pitching wedge
to hit clumps of mud.
It's not mud, dad.
It's dog doo.
- That boy ain't right.
- Ho yeah!
Excellent workout.
I got my rotator cuff rotating.
My face feels weird.
Carlos!
"Carlos"?
You name your things, I'll name mine.
Well, what about that thing named Bobby?
What are we going to do about him?
He seems bent on destroying
everything I own.
Why can't he turn that energy into something useful?
Like that boy with no legs who ran across Canada?
Maybe you need to spend some time together.
You know, just talking, you and Bobby, man-o a man-o.
Well, I can't now.
I'm going golfing.
Well, take him with you.
Peg, we're riding a full 18 holes today.
You know what that kind of stress can do to a boy?
Bobby, I apologize for yelling at you.
But sometimes you just don't listen.
It's like you got a problem with concentration.
Bobby?
- Bobby!
Hey, you just killed me!
Well, you needed killing.
You know, I've been thinking, son,
and I realized you don't have any goals.
You got to figure out
what you want to do with your life.
Okay. Can we go to six flags?
I think you need a role model, Bobby.
Someone to emulate...
- A hero.
Someone besides that broccoli neck.
Hmm... How about Eddie Stillson?
Can I emulate him?
Now, there you go, Eddie Stillson.
Which one's he? Is he the space shuttle astronaut
or the stock car champ?
He got to the end of level six
in Scream Ninja.
Bobby, when I say "Hero",
I don't mean some weird Gameboy freak.
If you don't watch it
you're going to end up like Jason Adderly's boy.
Deal me out this hand, Jason.
I'm about to bust.
Oh, I'm sorry. I thought this was the bath...
Aah! Good lord!
You know Howard Adderly?
He's my number-two hero after Eddie Stillson.
Bobby, you need to be lectured all afternoon.
Peggy, I'm taking the boy golfing, and that's that.
Careful now, Peggy.
Betsy isn't strapped in yet.
Oh, do not tell me you are taking that thing golfing with you now.
Don't be silly, Peg.
Just bringing her in to get fixed.
Sit in the middle, son.
I want to make sure Betsy's in front of the airbag.
So, Bobby, we got to think of a hero for you.
Do you have a hero, dad?
- I sure do, and it's Willie Nelson.
How come?
Well, you might say
he's been my inspiration.
You see, Willie grew up in Texas
and I grew up in Texas.
He loves golfing and playing guitar
I love golfing and playing guitar.
He's had trouble with the I.R.S.
And I must have spent six hours last April on that 1040 form.
Easy my ass.
Do you have a hero like that?
Uh... Willie Nelson?
You're just saying Willie Nelson because I said Willie Nelson.
No, I like Willie Nelson.
He's got long hair.
He's alternative.
Now you take that back.
I followed that man from country western to country
to adult contemporary
and that's as far as I'm going.
Here, son, take a look at that.
That's Willie Nelson's own personal golf course.
I am going to show that braiding machine
who's boss, Aunt Peggy.
- Go on, Luanne.
Show this town there's a braider in the family.
I'm not scared of you.
This time I'm going to beat you at your own game.
Miss Kremzer?
Someone?
It's the bridge, isn't it?
Well, the bridge is the symptom.
Fret asymmetry is the disease.
Smells like a belly button.
Yeah, my son was playing it with a piece of cheese.
You mean, like Celery Head?
Look, I'm Camembert Humperdink.
Les, go in the back
and alphabetize the guitar strings.
Alphabetize by letter or...?
Les.
- Okay. - All right.
Cheese or not, this is a sweet, sweet guitar.
Is she for sale?
Not hardly.
Just fix the bridge, Earl.
Oh, didn't think so.
Most guys would sell their wives before they'd sell a guitar like this.
I got to remember that one.
Oh, heck, I got a million of them.
Like, women are a lot like a guitar.
They both come with strings attached.
Oh, actually,
I guess those are the only two.
Most women would be threatened by Betsy, but not me. I don't care.
And I would like to see that guitar come home
and chicken-fry steak after substitute teaching all day.
- Ow!
Why thank you, Mrs. Helman.
- Santa Claus!
What are you talking about?
Santa Claus.
He could be the boy's hero.
In one 24-hour period,
he delivers toys and joy to every child on earth.
Santa Claus is for babies.
You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch.
- Yah!
Darn Russian titanium alloy...
Hm. Maybe it's just first hole jitters.
You got any tips, Boomhauer?
Yeah, man, I'll tell you what you do, man.
You just keep that dang old arm straight, man.
Y'all put your left hand still, man.
Just speed it the heck up.
Let's roll.
- Come on, Bobby.
Oh, man.
I'm out of cigarettes.
Dang, oh, y'all just hit the hedges.
Fore!
Mr. Gribble, who's your all-time hero?
You are, if you get me some smokes.
So the stripper says to the priest...
Bill, the boy.
Uh, she says, "I, uh, decided to repent and, uh...
Become a nun."
A dang ol' nun.
Tell you what, man.
That's pretty funny.
Hey, dad, watch this.
No, no, son, don't.
All right, Bobby!
Well, I'll be.
Son, you just might be the next Lee Trevino
without the crazy accent.
Tell you what, I'm going to let you tee off on this hole.
Okay.
That's okay, Bobby.
You can do it.
Just choke up on it.
And swing less like a girl.
Aagh!
- Can I get a do-over?
Bobby, hop in.
- Hank, dispose of the witnesses.
Dale, come back here.
Willie Nelson!
- Check his pockets for cigarettes.
Willie Nelson!
Oh, my lord, are you okay?
Am I bleeding from the ears?
No.
Then I must be okay then.
Oh, Mr. Nelson,
I am so sorry.
My boy's new to golfing.
Oh, gosh, I'm your biggest fan.
I go to every concert I can.
I've been to every farm-aid except one.
I don't much care for that Bryan Adams.
Darn, I wish I had my guitar here with me for you to sign.
Uh, here.
Why don't you make it out to...?
Uh, let's say... "To my best friend."
No, no, I don't want you to lie.
-"To my good friend..."
- Uh... Hmm...
"To my number-one fan, Hank hill."
- Uh... Hey, hey, Willie.
You know, I play guitar, too.
I also play golf but you already know that.
But you probably don't know you're, uh...
You're my hero.
He took our cart.
Was he bleeding from the ears?
No.
He must be okay then.
- You don't understand, Peg.
A man only gets a chance to meet Willie Nelson once in his life.
It's supposed to be special.
- We meet on the golf course.
He compliments my perfect swing.
We start talking about music, cut an album, go on tour
open a chicken franchise.
How's that going to happen now?
It's my fault forever, taking the boy with me.
I said I was sorry.
Um, are you Hank Hill?
Uh... Yes.
I'm tired of being lack of focus.
I'm going to show themI can do better.
I'm going to make my dad proud.
I'm going to not tell dad about that.
Hey, is that Ben Crenshaw turbo golf?
Yeah.
Ah! I can never get it past
the bunker on the third hole.
Try letting it go just below the mark on your drive.
Hey, you're the kid that rakes my lawn.
No, I'm the kid who hit you in the head.
With a rake?
No, with a golf club.
You've been raking with a golf club?
I want my quarter back.
Hill Residence.
Dad, guess where I am.
I don't know. Let's see...
Crushing Dwight Yoakum's voice box with my five iron?
I'm at Willie Nelson's, and he wants you to come over.
Son, you're teasing the gorilla in the monkey house.
Willie Nelson here...
practically blind in one eye now
but I got your son here...
I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Nelson.
Bobby's never stalked anyone before.
- And he's not very good at it.
I mean, well, he shouldn't be stalking anybody.
I'll come get him right away.
Bobby!
Out of my way, rooster boy.
Betsy?
What the...?
Hey, dad.
Hey, Hank, Bobby's been telling me all about you.
I hear you're a guitar player
and that you've got a narrow urethra.
Bobby...
Yeah. And he had me autograph your guitar.
You signed my guitar?
"To my number-one fan. Willie Nelson."
The fox chases the rabbit
around the tree trunk and into the hole.
I was so close.
Hill Residence.
Peggy, you'll never guess,
I'm at Willie Nelson's house.
He says we're all invited to his barbecue.
Gee, I'd love to come, Hank,
but Ann Richards and I are doing our toenails.
I don't think so, Peggy.
I'm looking at Ann Richards right now.
And she's playing tetherball with one of my roadies.
See? That was him.
Oh, my lord, what do I wear?
It doesn't matter, Peg. Wear any old thing.
Oh, just don't forget to bring Betsy's orange woven shoulder strap.
Betsy sure is a beaut, Hank.
I think trigger's getting jealous.
Why, thank you, Willie.
It sure means a lot coming from you.
You know what they say...
..."I'd sell my wife before I'd sell my guitar."
I tell you what, man.
You did that dang old "Mr. Tambourine Man"
talk about "come play a song for me".
You know, then you changed your name to Zimmerman
and y'all born again.
Well, a whole bunch of kids are going around.
Mad dog denim going platinum, who knows?
Accounting firms and dang old Boomhauer.
Uh, ma'am, you're going to want
to angle that glass.
Uh-uh.
You're blowing it.
You're going to get nothing but foam.
Mm-hmm.
Yep.
You know, Mr. Hopper, I just loved you in that movie.
You know, the one where you played a mad villain.
Come on, Peggy, you wild thing.
Let's drive straight down to Mexico, huh?
Come on, right this minute.
Mexico? I wonder what a wife goes for down there, huh?
One guitar? Two guitars?
I will have to ask Hank.
Los mariachis son diablos.
He's not treating you right, Peggy.
A delicate flower like you.
You want me to kick his ass?
Oh, you are so sweet to offer, Dennis,
but Hank would flatten you out like a bug.
No, this is something Peggy Hill has to handle on her own.
- Hoo yeah!
You go, girl!
That's some boy you got there, Hank.
Well, it's nice of you to say that, Willie,
but Bobby's got no direction in life, no heroes.
When I was his age, I worshipped you...
And Jesus, of course.
Ever think you're too tough on the boy?
Oh, I don't know.
Just today, he chipped Betsy's bridge,
ran into my truck with the mower,
dinged up my favorite wedge,
then dinged you up worse.
Well, now hold on there, Hank.
You think about it.
Bobby wants to play your guitar,
ride your mower and swing your golf club.
I believe that kid does have a hero
- and his name is Hank Hall.
Uh... Hill.
- Uh, yeah, right.
- Bobby...
- Bobby! Bobby!
What?
I just want to, uh...
Thank you for helping me meet my hero
and having him sign my guitar.
I helped him put ointment in his eye.
Now, I'm going to show you something
you can do with a guitar that doesn't involve cheese.
This is a song I wrote a long time ago.
♪ Well, I know a gal with a purdy leg ♪
♪ She's a gal who can fry my egg ♪
♪ And her name is Peg... ♪
♪ ...gy ♪
♪ Well, Peggy Peg ♪
♪ Peggy Peg ♪
♪ Pe-he-he-he-heg-a-leg ♪
♪ Oh, Peggy ♪
♪ My Peg-a-leg ♪
♪ Well, I love you ♪
♪ And I love you, Peggy Peg... ♪
Well, uh, then it just sort of goes off
into a buddy holly riff.
Oh, Hank.
Peggy, uh, oh, I didn't realize you were there.
Here, Bobby. Go practice.
Are you sure it's okay for me...?
Git.
I was headed over here
to knock you six ways from Sunday with that guitar.
Then I get here and you're playing
that old song of yours and...
Well... I love you, propane man.
You braided that perfect, Luanne.
But next time lighten up a little on the glitter spray.
What's that cord you hit on the...
Just kind of hold it just a little longer...
Once we go to F.
Now?
That's a good spot.