(light music)
(fast-paced light music)
-(light music) -(birds chirping)
How was beauty school, Luanne?
Oh, how did the big shampooing final go?
Well, I passed "Lather," but I failed "Rinse."
And then I failed "Repeat," too.
Because it includes "Rinse," which I don't think is very fair.
(mumbling) Damn...
Um, Hank?
You forgot to flush.
Didn't have to.
Didn't do anything.
Oh.
I see.
How long has this been going on?
There's nothing "Going on," Peg.
That's the problem.
Well, how long have you had this problem?
There is no problem.
Please, this is not something we need to talk about.
Well, if you do have a problem, I can...
Peggy, please!
For god's sakes.
(sighs) I'm getting a bite.
Is there any chicken-fried steak left?
-(light music) -(birds chirping)
(sighs)
(footsteps)
(brushing)
(water trickles)
Here.
What's this?
It's megamucil.
I take ten heaping teaspoons in a glass of water every night
- to stay regular. - I don't want to know that!
Oh, come on, honey.
Look, it is gentle and all-natural.
No, no, no.
Stop, please.
This is my own private, personal, private business.
At least drink the water.
If you drink enough water,
it will flush out your system...
- Blah, blah, blah... - Hank!
- I'm telling you that it's good for you. - HANK: ...blah, blah, blah.
Hey, eggs and sausage.
- That looks good. - Hm.
Peggy, where's my breakfast?
Hmm?
What are these?
I baked muffins.
So, good for you.
Where's my sausage?
Well, we're out of sausage.
Hank, try a muffin. They are oat bran.
Uh, sure.
(cabinet door squeaks)
(munches)
You should eat those, Dad.
- They help you make. -(thuds)
Excuse me?
- Huh? - What are you implying?
Well, I thought you were cons...
Where would you get such an idea?
That's ridiculous.
Anyway, that's not something you should ever know about your father.
Well, it's pretty obvious.
You were in the bathroom for an hour last night.
No, I wasn't.
Okay, Dad.
Give me that.
(munches)
(Ladybird whining)
What is it, Ladybird?
(whines)
You want to go out?
Again?
(barks)
(sighs) Show-off.
(lawn mower whirring)
Oh, Nancy, I'm worried about Hank.
He hasn't "Done his business"
in four days.
(gasps) Good lord!
Poor Hank.
He looks so healthy.
But then, you know, so did Elvis Presley.
Nancy, you don't think it's something serious?
Well, I'm a meteorologist,
not a doctor.
But if I had to make an educated guess,
I'd say he's got polio.
(gasps)
Oh, all right, I'm not a meteorologist.
I'm a weather girl.
So, Hank, what's this I hear
about you being backed up?
Nothing. What the...
Who are you thinking about, talking to, it's not me, I'm fine.
Well, that's not what I heard.
Heard from who?
Dale.
How does dale know?
Nancy.
Nancy knows, too?
Huh. Who... That Peggy.
Why not just take the door off the bathroom
and put it out on the lawn?
Oh, Hank, it happens to everyone now and then.
There's no reason to be embarrassed.
Maybe I'm not the one who should be embarrassed.
Did you ever think of that?
Maybe you're going a little too much.
Once every four or five days gives me more free time.
You want to spend all your time on the toilet, be my guest.
Have you tried squatting?
It takes pressure off the lower body.
BILL: You know, Hank.
I find a ride on the lawnmower helps.
Would you please stop talking about this?
Hey, Hank, you know, I've been thinking
about y'all and your dang ole bottom and all what's gonna get moving again,
I think y'all oughta go jogging, or swimming, or water somethin', man.
They gonna be having you pooping just like you used to.
Man, I know it's gonna work.
It helped my aunt after her pregnancy.
I don't know you, do I?
No, you don't.
Would you all please leave me be?
This is no one's business but my own.
(engine purring)
(engine revving)
Okay, but I've got one
that's guaranteed to work for you, Hank.
You take a spoon full of bacon grease...
I'm not eating bacon grease.
You didn't let me finish.
(sighs)
Simple chronic constipation can be a symptom
of a more serious condition.
I should know.
I'm former surgeon general C. Everett Koop.
Why did you have to go tell Nancy
about my bathroom shortcomings?
KOOP (on TV): Food that is not absorbed
Becomes waste and enters the pouch-like cecum.
Who the hell is that?
Howard Stern?
-Temperature Is a pleasant 70 degrees. -(birds chirping)
And on a more personal note,
I want to wish my friend Hank Hill
a quick recovery for his embarrassing consti--
-...pation. -(yelps)
Peggy, why'd you do this to me?
Now everybody knows.
Oh, Hank, I was worried.
So? Worry to yourself.
I'm tired of worrying to myself.
It's better to talk things out, Hank.
Not these things.
Not toilet things.
All right, Hank. All right.
If it makes you this upset,
I will just sit here silently alone with my worries.
Finally.
(crickets chirping)
Uh, I'll have some skirt steak, some brisket
a little piece of that New York steak,
uh, a couple of them steak fingers, and a burger.
Oh, Hank, please, have just one veggie.
Oh, all right.
Uh, put some macaroni and cheese on there, too.
-(engine whirring) -(clattering)
(engine purring)
Mm.
Ooh, chocolate sauce.
Can I have some?
No, uh-uh, Bobby.
This isn't ordinary chocolate.
It is a laxative for your father.
Oh...
(exhales deeply)
Where'd you find this chocolate sauce, Peg?
It sure is good.
Here, Bobby, try some.
Okay, I thought you'd never ask.
Uh, Bobby, Bobby.
Uh, you know what that is.
So?
What is it?
- Laxative. -(sputters)
(coughs)
You're trying to drug me?
Good God, that's going too far!
Well, you won't talk to me about it.
Now, what if it really is something serious,
like polyps or, or worse?
You should see a doctor.
Aah! Stop making such a big deal out of it.
I just can't go to the bathroom.
-(crickets chirping) -(sighs)
(groaning)
(Peggy sobbing)
Oh, Hank.
He looks like an angel.
A dead angel.
(sobbing) Oh, my ding dong dang ole. Why? Why? Oh!
It should have been Bill.
Oh, Hank, we never got a chance to talk about your constipation.
And now we never will.
Remember, early detection is the key.
Now, pass in your algebra homework.
(paper rustles)
(gasps)
(dramatic music rises)
Goodbye, boy.
- See you in hell! -(clanks)
(flushing)
(screaming)
(gasps)
Oh! Oh!
(crickets chirping)
(both scream)
Occupied!
Oh, Hank, you're alive.
Close the darn door!
Can't you see I'm in here, Peg?
Don't... No, don't touch me.
I'm on the John.
Get out of here!
Oh, Hank, I was so scared.
I dreamed you died.
You didn't see a doctor.
You didn't listen to Koop.
Peggy, you're not supposed to see this.
Listen, honey, I love you.
Please don't die on me.
I love you, too, but...
Oh, geez, all right, I'll see a doctor if you just get out and leave me be.
(sniffling) You will?
Oh, Hank... Oh, well, that's wonderful.
Yeah, well, come on, get a move on.
(sighs) Thank you.
- HANK: Get! -(thuds)
(light music)
And, uh, what exactly are you seeing Dr. Morely about today?
-(keyboard clacking) - Uh... Uh, well, I've been, uh...
Or... Actually, I haven't been...
Sir, you'll have to speak up.
I need to see him about a, uh, problem with...
RECEPTIONIST: Sir, just fill this out and have a seat.
- Ooh. -(clanks)
(toot)
Bobby, put that down.
You do not know where it's been, honey.
Come on, I'm trying to fill this thing out.
(keyboard clacking)
Hanky?
Mrs. McIntosh?
Hank Hill!
(gasps) Is this your family?
I was your father's Third-grade teacher.
Oh?
Why are you here, Hanky?
This is an old persons' doctor.
Well, Hank hasn't been able to take...
A walk. (clears throat)
Threw my knee out playing touch football.
RECEPTIONIST: Mr. Hill.
I'm sorry, sir, I cannot read this.
What does it say? Con...
- Contact... Conta... Con-what? -(clears throat)
(fast-paced light music)
So, how are we doing today?
I'm Dr. Morely.
Let's see.
So you're suffering from... consumption?
Constipation.
Oh, constipation.
Well, that's quite a different matter.
How long has it been since your last bowel movement?
Well, uh, I usually don't keep track of that kind of thing,
- but... - Five days.
And Hank's usual schedule is every two days.
Of course when we were first married, he'd go every day.
But then I spoke to his mother.
And she said the most interesting thing.
She said when he was a teenager, he would be in that bathroom
- three or four times a day... - Peggy!
Please, Mr. Hill, this is helpful.
Now, your wife is obviously concerned
and if she's concerned, I'm concerned.
I think we'll do a sigmoidoscopy.
See, honey, aren't you glad we're here?
Hi, Mr. Hill.
Why don't you go ahead and take off your pants for me, mm-kay?
(suspenseful music)
Why are you stopping?
Well, no sense in doing this now.
I'll just wait until the doctor comes back.
-(door opens) - NURSE: Sir.
You'll need to take your pants off for Dr. Morely.
- Oh... Oh. Okay. -(door closes)
(sighs)
Uh... Why, look at that, Peg.
Cotton balls.
White ones.
Heh. Whole jar of them.
How many do you think there are in there?
I'll bet 30.
Yep.
Thirty.
(somber music)
Okay, Mr. Hill.
Why don't you hop on the table and undo the back of your gown,
and we'll have a look at you.
You got all these fancy machines.
Can't you take a picture through the gown?
It's normal to be a little frightened Mr. Hill.
Just turn your face to the wall.
(knocks on door)
Oh! You want me to get that?
No!
- Mr. Hill. - Mr. Hill, this is Tasha.
She's a medical student.
Would it be all right with you if she observes the examination?
Uh... Well, I guess.
(elevator dings)
-(light music) -(clicking)
(woman panting)
MAN: We made it, honey!
Quick! Sixth floor, Maternity!
(elevator dings)
(chattering in distance)
(dings)
(chattering in distance)
(baby crying)
Mr. Hill, this is a special camera
that we use to get an inside view of your colon.
(Hank sighs) Just kill me now.
Mr. Hill, do you wish a bite plate?
Mom, I'm hungry.
Whoa!
Dad! What are they doing to you?
- Bobby, get out of here! -(door closes)
No, Mr. Hill.
When a family faces an illness,
all members should be involved.
Remember, they're your get-well team.
Hey there, Ace.
Do you like video games?
Yeah.
Well, this joystick is just like a video game joystick
only my red button fires a real laser.
Cool!
- Pchew! Pchew! Pchew! Pchew! Pchew! -(tools whirring)
Bobby...
(chuckles) Say, you're good.
Maybe you could, uh, help us out a little later.
- Just kidding, Mr. Hill. -(sighs)
Mr. Hill, it doesn't hurt to smile.
It might actually help.
Tasha, you can begin.
-(fast-paced light music) -(tools whirring)
So far, this looks normal.
Normal? Uh...
- That's good, right? -(beeps)
Now, this is exciting.
There are so many twists and turns.
I can't wait to see what's around the next bend.
The colon has to twist and turn because it's surprisingly long.
You know, Bobby, if I were to take
your grandfather's intestine...
I'm his father!
Your father's intestine,
and lay it out in a straight line,
it would go all the way around the earth.
Wow. Really?
DR. MORELY: Mm-hmm.
Well, that is amazing, Doctor.
You know, I did not know that.
Now, how could that be?
The earth is 25,000 miles around.
A piece of steak would have to shoot through your system
faster than the speed of sound.
That's impossible.
Well, Mr. Hill, there's certainly nothing
going through your intestines that fast.
(laughs)
Hey, I like this.
Can I be a proctologist when I grow up?
-(tools whirring continues) -(clicks tongue)
Um, Mr. Hill, I'm gonna have to ask you to relax your buttocks for me, please.
-(tools whirring continues) -(light music)
(yawns)
How are you holding up, Mrs. Hill?
Well, I'm okay.
I'm just a little uncomfortable from sitting here for so long.
(Dr. Morely groaning)
Okay, let's take a five-minute break.
Well, Mr. Hill, we're not exactly sure
what's causing your problem.
So at this point, the best option might be to remove something surgically.
(groans)
I'm sorry, but apparently
your low-fat, high-fiber diet is not working.
Well, maybe Hank just needs to give his low-fat, high-fiber diet
a little more time.
Isn't that right, Hank?
Yes, yes, all right.
Mm-hmm. Just to be safe, I'll book an operating room
for the end of the week.
Oh, god...
DR. MORELY: Don't worry.
You know, it's possible to live a long, healthy slightly less active life
without a colon.
(groans)
DR. MORELY: You just can't wear shorts.
(birds chirping)
(faint light music)
"Notdogs."
Now, what are these, hot dogs?
No, they're notdogs.
They're made of tofu.
Tofu? I can't eat that crap.
Then try this faux-fu.
It's a tofu substitute for the tofu-intolerant.
Mm-hm. Now, would that be good for a man who's constipated?
- Peggy. - Well, I didn't say it was you.
Is this for your husband?
Yes.
And we will also take a quart of your brown rice broth.
Do you have anything that tastes good?
Hmm. Ah...
No.
Ooh! Look at this, Uncle Hank.
"Experience moxibustion with Mr. Li.
Board-certified moxibustionist.
Relieves stress, and opens the energy channels."
What the hell is that?
He sticks needles in your skin
And sets them on fire.
Anyone ever try that on me, I'll kick his ass.
(birds chirping)
- No! Watch out behind you! -(crowd cheering on TV)
No! (groans)
God, gatorade all down his back.
Hank, it's 2 o'clock.
Bathroom time.
Peg, can't I just...
PEGGY: Bathroom time.
(sighs) All right.
DALE: Hi, there, Peggy.
We were wondering if Hank could come out
and help us with my fence.
PEGGY: Oh, I'm sorry, Dale.
Hank is having his bathroom time.
Maybe later.
(bright music)
-(hisses) -(liquid pouring)
(snoring)
(relaxing music)
(high-pitched light music)
(clicks)
- Mm. -(thumps)
-(somber music) -(chattering in distance)
Well, thank you all for coming.
I thought it would help cheer Hank up
to have all of his friends here.
I think he's making a lot of progress.
Where are you going, Hank?
- To the bathroom. -(gasps)
Now, just try to relax, Hank,
and concentrate.
This could be it.
-(knocks on door) - Come on!
Will you hurry up!
Peggy, please.
Come on, Hank.
(sighs)
(light music)
(sighs)
(whirring)
No, no. See, what I'm saying is
salad don't always have to have salad in it.
See, there's potato salad and, uh... Ohh.
(sighs) I'm sorry, Peg.
I let you down, I let you all down.
Don't you worry, Hank.
We still have 24 hours before your appointment.
And, honey, we're gonna make the most of it.
(somber music)
(sighs)
(clanking)
(squeaks)
(engine whirring)
(birds chirping)
You know, Hanks seems a little... Down.
Well, he's a shell of a man.
I never thought Hank had the willpower
to give up everything he enjoyed.
Well, that's not Hank. That's me.
I mean, if it was up to him,
he'd still be eating burgers in the backyard
with Dale, Bill and Boomhauer.
He'd still be drinking beer and shouting at the TV set, and...
having a lot of fun, and... (sighs)
(somber music)
(plops)
(gasps)
- Wait here. -(chair scrapes)
So?
So what?
Well, I heard a...
I mean, I wasn't listening, but I did hear a...
Oh. That was my glasses.
Look, honey.
We got to talk.
I know you want to help,
but this is getting out of control.
You can't treat a grown man like a baby.
It ain't right.
I feel like I've been trying to be someone else lately.
Eating food I don't eat,
and I'm just not going to do it anymore.
And if I don't ever poop again.
Well, that's just going to be who I am.
I'd rather die with a burger in my colon
than live and eat faux-fu.
Hank, I know, and...
It's okay. You're right.
What?
Well, I'm only doing this
because I want you to be around as long as possible
because I love you.
But I have to let you be you.
-(sniffles) -(somber music)
Oh... Peggy, I...
I'll still be here for a good, long while.
PEGGY: I worry...
I know you do.
...that you could...
Ah, I, I know, honey.
And I'm a lucky son of a gun, I tell you what,
to have a woman like you care so much about me.
I'm going to be more open.
- Tell you how I'm doing more. -(whimpers)
And let you in.
(sobbing)
I just want this moment to last forever, Hank.
Me too.
(sighs)
But it can't.
Oh, hold me, Hank.
No!
Let go! Let go!
(door slams)
-(grunts) -(door slams)
(suspenseful music)
(whimpers)
-(toilet flushes) - Yes!
(triumph music rising)
(engine purring)
You might have noticed in tonight's episode
there was some brief nudity.
Now, as an actor, I only do nudity
when I feel the script warrants it.
And I thought tonight's episode
only warranted seeing the side of my rump.
You can believe me when I tell you
the Fox executives were pushing for a whole lot more.
If any of you were offended by my body, I am truly sorry.
Good night.
(engine purring)