1
00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:03,378
(light music)
2
00:00:04,295 --> 00:00:06,965
(fast-paced light music)
3
00:00:31,031 --> 00:00:32,323
-(light music)
-(birds chirping)
4
00:00:37,412 --> 00:00:38,872
{\an8}How was beauty school, Luanne?
5
00:00:39,497 --> 00:00:42,042
{\an8}Oh, how did the big shampooing final go?
6
00:00:42,167 --> 00:00:45,045
{\an8}Well, I passed "Lather,"
but I failed "Rinse."
7
00:00:45,045 --> 00:00:47,130
{\an8}And then I failed "Repeat," too.
8
00:00:47,130 --> 00:00:50,300
{\an8}Because it includes "Rinse,"
which I don't think is very fair.
9
00:00:52,260 --> 00:00:53,553
{\an8}(mumbling)
Damn...
10
00:00:53,887 --> 00:00:55,346
{\an8}Um, Hank?
11
00:00:55,430 --> 00:00:57,015
{\an8}You forgot to flush.
12
00:00:57,015 --> 00:00:58,141
{\an8}Didn't have to.
13
00:00:58,141 --> 00:00:59,350
{\an8}Didn't do anything.
14
00:00:59,809 --> 00:01:00,643
{\an8}Oh.
15
00:01:02,145 --> 00:01:03,104
{\an8}I see.
16
00:01:03,688 --> 00:01:05,356
How long has this been going on?
17
00:01:05,440 --> 00:01:08,026
There's nothing "Going on," Peg.
18
00:01:08,401 --> 00:01:09,694
That's the problem.
19
00:01:09,778 --> 00:01:11,529
Well, how long have you had this problem?
20
00:01:11,613 --> 00:01:12,906
{\an8}There is no problem.
21
00:01:12,906 --> 00:01:15,992
{\an8}Please, this is not something
we need to talk about.
22
00:01:16,367 --> 00:01:18,328
Well, if you do have a problem, I can...
23
00:01:18,328 --> 00:01:19,454
{\an8}Peggy, please!
24
00:01:19,454 --> 00:01:20,580
{\an8}For god's sakes.
25
00:01:20,914 --> 00:01:22,165
{\an8}(sighs)
I'm getting a bite.
26
00:01:22,540 --> 00:01:24,834
Is there any chicken-fried steak left?
27
00:01:25,335 --> 00:01:28,046
-(light music)
-(birds chirping)
28
00:01:31,091 --> 00:01:32,217
(sighs)
29
00:01:32,634 --> 00:01:33,968
(footsteps)
30
00:01:34,052 --> 00:01:36,221
(brushing)
31
00:01:36,221 --> 00:01:37,388
(water trickles)
32
00:01:39,182 --> 00:01:40,016
Here.
33
00:01:40,100 --> 00:01:41,184
What's this?
34
00:01:41,184 --> 00:01:42,268
It's megamucil.
35
00:01:42,352 --> 00:01:45,355
I take ten heaping teaspoons
in a glass of water every night
36
00:01:45,355 --> 00:01:47,565
- to stay regular.
- I don't want to know that!
37
00:01:47,649 --> 00:01:48,691
Oh, come on, honey.
38
00:01:48,775 --> 00:01:50,944
Look, it is gentle and all-natural.
39
00:01:50,944 --> 00:01:51,986
No, no, no.
40
00:01:52,070 --> 00:01:53,530
Stop, please.
41
00:01:53,530 --> 00:01:56,825
This is my own private, personal,
private business.
42
00:01:56,825 --> 00:01:58,076
At least drink the water.
43
00:01:58,076 --> 00:01:59,494
If you drink enough water,
44
00:01:59,494 --> 00:02:00,870
it will flush out your system...
45
00:02:00,954 --> 00:02:01,955
- Blah, blah, blah...
- Hank!
46
00:02:01,955 --> 00:02:03,873
- I'm telling you that it's good for you.
- HANK: ...blah, blah, blah.
47
00:02:04,874 --> 00:02:06,167
Hey, eggs and sausage.
48
00:02:06,251 --> 00:02:07,502
- That looks good.
- Hm.
49
00:02:07,502 --> 00:02:08,795
Peggy, where's my breakfast?
50
00:02:10,088 --> 00:02:11,089
Hmm?
51
00:02:12,173 --> 00:02:13,133
What are these?
52
00:02:13,133 --> 00:02:15,593
I baked muffins.
53
00:02:15,677 --> 00:02:16,845
So, good for you.
54
00:02:16,845 --> 00:02:18,304
Where's my sausage?
55
00:02:18,388 --> 00:02:20,515
Well, we're out of sausage.
56
00:02:20,515 --> 00:02:22,934
Hank, try a muffin. They are oat bran.
57
00:02:22,934 --> 00:02:24,853
Uh, sure.
58
00:02:24,853 --> 00:02:25,937
(cabinet door squeaks)
59
00:02:26,646 --> 00:02:28,648
(munches)
60
00:02:28,648 --> 00:02:30,275
You should eat those, Dad.
61
00:02:30,275 --> 00:02:31,818
- They help you make.
-(thuds)
62
00:02:31,818 --> 00:02:33,319
Excuse me?
63
00:02:33,403 --> 00:02:35,363
- Huh?
- What are you implying?
64
00:02:35,363 --> 00:02:37,282
Well, I thought you were cons...
65
00:02:37,282 --> 00:02:39,159
Where would you get such an idea?
66
00:02:39,159 --> 00:02:40,076
That's ridiculous.
67
00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:43,663
Anyway, that's not something
you should ever know about your father.
68
00:02:43,663 --> 00:02:45,498
Well, it's pretty obvious.
69
00:02:45,582 --> 00:02:47,709
You were in the bathroom
for an hour last night.
70
00:02:47,709 --> 00:02:48,751
No, I wasn't.
71
00:02:49,127 --> 00:02:50,545
Okay, Dad.
72
00:02:51,004 --> 00:02:52,088
Give me that.
73
00:02:52,172 --> 00:02:53,798
(munches)
74
00:02:53,882 --> 00:02:55,967
(Ladybird whining)
75
00:02:55,967 --> 00:02:57,552
What is it, Ladybird?
76
00:02:57,552 --> 00:02:58,469
(whines)
77
00:02:58,553 --> 00:02:59,846
You want to go out?
78
00:02:59,846 --> 00:03:00,763
Again?
79
00:03:01,723 --> 00:03:02,724
(barks)
80
00:03:05,643 --> 00:03:07,729
(sighs)
Show-off.
81
00:03:07,729 --> 00:03:08,688
(lawn mower whirring)
82
00:03:08,688 --> 00:03:11,441
Oh, Nancy, I'm worried about Hank.
83
00:03:11,441 --> 00:03:13,610
He hasn't "Done his business"
84
00:03:13,735 --> 00:03:15,236
in four days.
85
00:03:15,320 --> 00:03:17,197
(gasps)
Good lord!
86
00:03:17,197 --> 00:03:18,448
Poor Hank.
87
00:03:18,990 --> 00:03:20,283
He looks so healthy.
88
00:03:21,242 --> 00:03:23,286
But then, you know, so did Elvis Presley.
89
00:03:23,286 --> 00:03:26,331
Nancy, you don't think
it's something serious?
90
00:03:26,331 --> 00:03:28,791
Well, I'm a meteorologist,
91
00:03:28,875 --> 00:03:29,959
not a doctor.
92
00:03:30,043 --> 00:03:32,337
But if I had to make an educated guess,
93
00:03:33,296 --> 00:03:34,422
I'd say he's got polio.
94
00:03:34,422 --> 00:03:35,632
(gasps)
95
00:03:35,632 --> 00:03:38,009
Oh, all right, I'm not a meteorologist.
96
00:03:38,009 --> 00:03:39,260
I'm a weather girl.
97
00:03:39,344 --> 00:03:41,179
So, Hank, what's this I hear
98
00:03:41,179 --> 00:03:42,889
about you being backed up?
99
00:03:42,889 --> 00:03:44,349
Nothing. What the...
100
00:03:44,349 --> 00:03:48,436
Who are you thinking about, talking to,
it's not me, I'm fine.
101
00:03:48,436 --> 00:03:50,188
Well, that's not what I heard.
102
00:03:50,188 --> 00:03:51,231
Heard from who?
103
00:03:51,231 --> 00:03:52,148
Dale.
104
00:03:52,232 --> 00:03:53,358
How does dale know?
105
00:03:53,358 --> 00:03:54,275
Nancy.
106
00:03:54,359 --> 00:03:55,652
Nancy knows, too?
107
00:03:55,652 --> 00:03:58,238
Huh. Who... That Peggy.
108
00:03:58,613 --> 00:04:00,740
Why not just take the door
off the bathroom
109
00:04:00,740 --> 00:04:01,991
and put it out on the lawn?
110
00:04:02,075 --> 00:04:05,286
Oh, Hank, it happens
to everyone now and then.
111
00:04:05,370 --> 00:04:07,747
There's no reason to be embarrassed.
112
00:04:07,747 --> 00:04:10,291
Maybe I'm not the one
who should be embarrassed.
113
00:04:10,375 --> 00:04:11,834
Did you ever think of that?
114
00:04:11,918 --> 00:04:14,504
Maybe you're going a little too much.
115
00:04:14,504 --> 00:04:18,841
Once every four or five days
gives me more free time.
116
00:04:18,925 --> 00:04:22,512
You want to spend all your time
on the toilet, be my guest.
117
00:04:22,512 --> 00:04:24,222
Have you tried squatting?
118
00:04:24,347 --> 00:04:26,516
It takes pressure off the lower body.
119
00:04:26,516 --> 00:04:28,101
BILL: You know, Hank.
120
00:04:28,101 --> 00:04:31,104
I find a ride on the lawnmower helps.
121
00:04:31,104 --> 00:04:33,564
Would you please stop talking about this?
122
00:04:34,274 --> 00:04:36,234
Hey, Hank, you know, I've been thinking
123
00:04:36,234 --> 00:04:39,195
about y'all and your dang ole bottom
and all what's gonna get moving again,
124
00:04:39,279 --> 00:04:41,656
I think y'all oughta go jogging,
or swimming, or water somethin', man.
125
00:04:41,656 --> 00:04:43,825
They gonna be having you
pooping just like you used to.
126
00:04:43,825 --> 00:04:45,118
Man, I know it's gonna work.
127
00:04:45,118 --> 00:04:47,412
It helped my aunt after her pregnancy.
128
00:04:47,412 --> 00:04:49,205
I don't know you, do I?
129
00:04:49,289 --> 00:04:50,123
No, you don't.
130
00:04:50,623 --> 00:04:53,084
Would you all please leave me be?
131
00:04:53,084 --> 00:04:55,545
This is no one's business but my own.
132
00:04:55,545 --> 00:04:57,171
(engine purring)
133
00:04:57,255 --> 00:05:00,091
(engine revving)
134
00:05:00,091 --> 00:05:01,676
Okay, but I've got one
135
00:05:01,676 --> 00:05:03,803
that's guaranteed to work for you, Hank.
136
00:05:04,220 --> 00:05:06,931
You take a spoon full of bacon grease...
137
00:05:07,015 --> 00:05:09,183
I'm not eating bacon grease.
138
00:05:09,267 --> 00:05:10,351
You didn't let me finish.
139
00:05:10,476 --> 00:05:11,728
(sighs)
140
00:05:12,103 --> 00:05:14,897
Simple chronic constipation
can be a symptom
141
00:05:14,981 --> 00:05:16,983
of a more serious condition.
142
00:05:16,983 --> 00:05:18,234
I should know.
143
00:05:18,318 --> 00:05:20,903
I'm former surgeon general
C. Everett Koop.
144
00:05:20,987 --> 00:05:22,905
Why did you have to go tell Nancy
145
00:05:22,989 --> 00:05:25,325
about my bathroom shortcomings?
146
00:05:25,325 --> 00:05:27,035
KOOP (on TV): Food that is not absorbed
147
00:05:27,035 --> 00:05:30,288
Becomes waste and enters
the pouch-like cecum.
148
00:05:30,288 --> 00:05:31,831
Who the hell is that?
149
00:05:31,831 --> 00:05:32,999
Howard Stern?
150
00:05:34,042 --> 00:05:37,128
-Temperature Is a pleasant 70 degrees.
-(birds chirping)
151
00:05:37,128 --> 00:05:38,796
And on a more personal note,
152
00:05:38,880 --> 00:05:40,631
I want to wish my friend Hank Hill
153
00:05:40,715 --> 00:05:43,134
a quick recovery for his
embarrassing consti--
154
00:05:43,134 --> 00:05:44,469
-...pation.
-(yelps)
155
00:05:44,761 --> 00:05:46,387
Peggy, why'd you do this to me?
156
00:05:46,471 --> 00:05:47,722
Now everybody knows.
157
00:05:47,722 --> 00:05:49,974
Oh, Hank, I was worried.
158
00:05:50,058 --> 00:05:51,934
So? Worry to yourself.
159
00:05:52,018 --> 00:05:53,728
I'm tired of worrying to myself.
160
00:05:53,728 --> 00:05:55,646
It's better to talk things out, Hank.
161
00:05:55,730 --> 00:05:57,273
Not these things.
162
00:05:57,357 --> 00:05:58,900
Not toilet things.
163
00:05:58,900 --> 00:06:00,610
All right, Hank. All right.
164
00:06:00,610 --> 00:06:01,986
If it makes you this upset,
165
00:06:02,070 --> 00:06:05,156
I will just sit here
silently alone with my worries.
166
00:06:05,156 --> 00:06:06,366
Finally.
167
00:06:07,241 --> 00:06:08,493
(crickets chirping)
168
00:06:08,493 --> 00:06:12,747
Uh, I'll have some skirt steak,
some brisket
169
00:06:12,747 --> 00:06:14,791
a little piece of that New York steak,
170
00:06:14,791 --> 00:06:17,377
uh, a couple of them steak fingers,
and a burger.
171
00:06:17,377 --> 00:06:19,629
Oh, Hank, please, have just one veggie.
172
00:06:19,629 --> 00:06:20,963
Oh, all right.
173
00:06:21,047 --> 00:06:23,508
Uh, put some macaroni
and cheese on there, too.
174
00:06:23,508 --> 00:06:26,344
-(engine whirring)
-(clattering)
175
00:06:27,095 --> 00:06:29,764
(engine purring)
176
00:06:29,764 --> 00:06:30,765
Mm.
177
00:06:33,851 --> 00:06:35,728
Ooh, chocolate sauce.
178
00:06:35,812 --> 00:06:36,771
Can I have some?
179
00:06:36,771 --> 00:06:38,272
No, uh-uh, Bobby.
180
00:06:38,356 --> 00:06:40,024
This isn't ordinary chocolate.
181
00:06:40,108 --> 00:06:42,026
It is a laxative for your father.
182
00:06:42,110 --> 00:06:44,070
Oh...
183
00:06:44,070 --> 00:06:44,987
(exhales deeply)
184
00:06:45,071 --> 00:06:47,156
Where'd you find
this chocolate sauce, Peg?
185
00:06:47,240 --> 00:06:48,157
It sure is good.
186
00:06:48,616 --> 00:06:50,034
Here, Bobby, try some.
187
00:06:50,118 --> 00:06:52,036
Okay, I thought you'd never ask.
188
00:06:52,120 --> 00:06:53,413
Uh, Bobby, Bobby.
189
00:06:53,413 --> 00:06:55,289
Uh, you know what that is.
190
00:06:56,040 --> 00:06:56,999
So?
191
00:06:57,083 --> 00:06:57,917
What is it?
192
00:06:57,917 --> 00:06:59,710
- Laxative.
-(sputters)
193
00:06:59,794 --> 00:07:00,962
(coughs)
194
00:07:00,962 --> 00:07:02,755
You're trying to drug me?
195
00:07:02,839 --> 00:07:04,966
Good God, that's going too far!
196
00:07:04,966 --> 00:07:06,884
Well, you won't talk to me about it.
197
00:07:06,968 --> 00:07:08,845
Now, what if it really is
something serious,
198
00:07:08,845 --> 00:07:10,972
like polyps or, or worse?
199
00:07:10,972 --> 00:07:12,348
You should see a doctor.
200
00:07:12,432 --> 00:07:15,268
Aah! Stop making such
a big deal out of it.
201
00:07:15,268 --> 00:07:17,395
I just can't go to the bathroom.
202
00:07:19,105 --> 00:07:21,441
-(crickets chirping)
-(sighs)
203
00:07:22,066 --> 00:07:23,192
(groaning)
204
00:07:25,069 --> 00:07:29,532
(Peggy sobbing)
205
00:07:30,741 --> 00:07:31,742
Oh, Hank.
206
00:07:32,452 --> 00:07:34,829
He looks like an angel.
207
00:07:35,955 --> 00:07:37,206
A dead angel.
208
00:07:37,290 --> 00:07:41,419
(sobbing)
Oh, my ding dong dang ole. Why? Why? Oh!
209
00:07:41,419 --> 00:07:43,796
It should have been Bill.
210
00:07:44,589 --> 00:07:48,968
Oh, Hank, we never got a chance
to talk about your constipation.
211
00:07:48,968 --> 00:07:51,304
And now we never will.
212
00:07:51,429 --> 00:07:54,223
Remember, early detection is the key.
213
00:07:54,807 --> 00:07:56,893
Now, pass in your algebra homework.
214
00:07:57,643 --> 00:07:58,728
(paper rustles)
215
00:07:58,728 --> 00:07:59,937
(gasps)
216
00:08:00,229 --> 00:08:02,482
(dramatic music rises)
217
00:08:02,482 --> 00:08:03,649
Goodbye, boy.
218
00:08:04,484 --> 00:08:06,152
- See you in hell!
-(clanks)
219
00:08:06,152 --> 00:08:08,362
(flushing)
220
00:08:08,446 --> 00:08:09,489
(screaming)
221
00:08:09,489 --> 00:08:10,448
(gasps)
222
00:08:10,448 --> 00:08:11,908
Oh! Oh!
223
00:08:11,908 --> 00:08:13,075
(crickets chirping)
224
00:08:14,076 --> 00:08:15,369
(both scream)
225
00:08:15,453 --> 00:08:16,412
Occupied!
226
00:08:16,496 --> 00:08:18,706
Oh, Hank, you're alive.
227
00:08:18,706 --> 00:08:20,082
Close the darn door!
228
00:08:20,166 --> 00:08:21,918
Can't you see I'm in here, Peg?
229
00:08:21,918 --> 00:08:23,461
Don't... No, don't touch me.
230
00:08:23,461 --> 00:08:24,670
I'm on the John.
231
00:08:24,754 --> 00:08:25,630
Get out of here!
232
00:08:25,630 --> 00:08:27,715
Oh, Hank, I was so scared.
233
00:08:27,715 --> 00:08:29,342
I dreamed you died.
234
00:08:29,342 --> 00:08:30,676
You didn't see a doctor.
235
00:08:30,760 --> 00:08:32,178
You didn't listen to Koop.
236
00:08:32,178 --> 00:08:34,805
Peggy, you're not supposed to see this.
237
00:08:34,889 --> 00:08:36,849
Listen, honey, I love you.
238
00:08:36,933 --> 00:08:38,267
Please don't die on me.
239
00:08:38,351 --> 00:08:39,936
I love you, too, but...
240
00:08:39,936 --> 00:08:44,690
Oh, geez, all right, I'll see a doctor
if you just get out and leave me be.
241
00:08:45,024 --> 00:08:46,734
(sniffling) You will?
242
00:08:47,276 --> 00:08:50,154
Oh, Hank... Oh, well, that's wonderful.
243
00:08:50,238 --> 00:08:52,240
Yeah, well, come on, get a move on.
244
00:08:52,240 --> 00:08:54,575
(sighs)
Thank you.
245
00:08:54,659 --> 00:08:56,077
- HANK: Get!
-(thuds)
246
00:08:57,578 --> 00:08:59,539
(light music)
247
00:08:59,539 --> 00:09:04,043
And, uh, what exactly are you
seeing Dr. Morely about today?
248
00:09:04,043 --> 00:09:07,129
-(keyboard clacking)
- Uh... Uh, well, I've been, uh...
249
00:09:07,213 --> 00:09:10,049
Or... Actually, I haven't been...
250
00:09:10,049 --> 00:09:11,592
Sir, you'll have to speak up.
251
00:09:11,676 --> 00:09:15,763
I need to see him
about a, uh, problem with...
252
00:09:15,763 --> 00:09:17,890
RECEPTIONIST: Sir, just fill this out
and have a seat.
253
00:09:22,061 --> 00:09:22,937
- Ooh.
-(clanks)
254
00:09:24,772 --> 00:09:26,065
(toot)
255
00:09:26,065 --> 00:09:27,108
Bobby, put that down.
256
00:09:27,108 --> 00:09:28,693
You do not know where it's been, honey.
257
00:09:28,693 --> 00:09:30,987
Come on, I'm trying
to fill this thing out.
258
00:09:32,530 --> 00:09:34,115
(keyboard clacking)
259
00:09:36,450 --> 00:09:37,326
Hanky?
260
00:09:37,410 --> 00:09:38,911
Mrs. McIntosh?
261
00:09:39,412 --> 00:09:40,496
Hank Hill!
262
00:09:40,580 --> 00:09:42,915
(gasps)
Is this your family?
263
00:09:43,666 --> 00:09:46,544
I was your father's Third-grade teacher.
264
00:09:46,544 --> 00:09:47,461
Oh?
265
00:09:47,545 --> 00:09:49,171
Why are you here, Hanky?
266
00:09:49,255 --> 00:09:51,299
This is an old persons' doctor.
267
00:09:51,299 --> 00:09:52,925
Well, Hank hasn't been able to take...
268
00:09:53,009 --> 00:09:54,385
A walk.
(clears throat)
269
00:09:54,385 --> 00:09:56,387
Threw my knee out playing touch football.
270
00:09:56,387 --> 00:09:57,388
RECEPTIONIST: Mr. Hill.
271
00:09:57,388 --> 00:09:59,098
I'm sorry, sir, I cannot read this.
272
00:09:59,098 --> 00:10:00,683
What does it say? Con...
273
00:10:01,142 --> 00:10:03,394
- Contact... Conta... Con-what?
-(clears throat)
274
00:10:03,394 --> 00:10:04,979
(fast-paced light music)
275
00:10:06,355 --> 00:10:08,232
So, how are we doing today?
276
00:10:08,691 --> 00:10:09,984
I'm Dr. Morely.
277
00:10:09,984 --> 00:10:10,901
Let's see.
278
00:10:10,985 --> 00:10:13,362
So you're suffering from... consumption?
279
00:10:13,446 --> 00:10:14,530
Constipation.
280
00:10:14,780 --> 00:10:16,282
Oh, constipation.
281
00:10:16,282 --> 00:10:18,451
Well, that's quite a different matter.
282
00:10:18,868 --> 00:10:21,412
How long has it been
since your last bowel movement?
283
00:10:21,412 --> 00:10:25,207
Well, uh, I usually don't keep
track of that kind of thing,
284
00:10:25,291 --> 00:10:26,459
- but...
- Five days.
285
00:10:26,459 --> 00:10:29,128
And Hank's usual schedule
is every two days.
286
00:10:29,128 --> 00:10:32,506
Of course when we were first married,
he'd go every day.
287
00:10:32,590 --> 00:10:33,841
But then I spoke to his mother.
288
00:10:33,841 --> 00:10:35,635
And she said the most interesting thing.
289
00:10:35,635 --> 00:10:38,471
She said when he was a teenager,
he would be in that bathroom
290
00:10:38,471 --> 00:10:40,348
- three or four times a day...
- Peggy!
291
00:10:40,348 --> 00:10:43,017
Please, Mr. Hill, this is helpful.
292
00:10:43,351 --> 00:10:45,478
Now, your wife is obviously concerned
293
00:10:45,478 --> 00:10:48,606
and if she's concerned, I'm concerned.
294
00:10:48,606 --> 00:10:51,150
I think we'll do a sigmoidoscopy.
295
00:10:53,361 --> 00:10:55,196
See, honey, aren't you glad we're here?
296
00:10:56,113 --> 00:10:57,031
Hi, Mr. Hill.
297
00:10:57,031 --> 00:10:59,617
Why don't you go ahead
and take off your pants for me, mm-kay?
298
00:11:00,117 --> 00:11:02,578
(suspenseful music)
299
00:11:10,002 --> 00:11:10,920
Why are you stopping?
300
00:11:10,920 --> 00:11:13,297
Well, no sense in doing this now.
301
00:11:13,381 --> 00:11:15,633
I'll just wait until
the doctor comes back.
302
00:11:15,633 --> 00:11:17,093
-(door opens)
- NURSE: Sir.
303
00:11:17,093 --> 00:11:19,178
You'll need to take
your pants off for Dr. Morely.
304
00:11:19,178 --> 00:11:21,931
- Oh... Oh. Okay.
-(door closes)
305
00:11:21,931 --> 00:11:23,516
(sighs)
306
00:11:24,767 --> 00:11:25,768
(sighs)
307
00:11:26,727 --> 00:11:29,772
Uh... Why, look at that, Peg.
308
00:11:30,690 --> 00:11:32,108
Cotton balls.
309
00:11:33,234 --> 00:11:34,360
White ones.
310
00:11:34,735 --> 00:11:38,072
Heh. Whole jar of them.
311
00:11:39,490 --> 00:11:41,534
How many do you think there are in there?
312
00:11:43,494 --> 00:11:44,870
I'll bet 30.
313
00:11:46,455 --> 00:11:47,456
Yep.
314
00:11:48,833 --> 00:11:49,959
Thirty.
315
00:11:50,501 --> 00:11:52,795
(somber music)
316
00:11:54,130 --> 00:11:55,506
Okay, Mr. Hill.
317
00:11:55,506 --> 00:11:58,551
Why don't you hop on the table
and undo the back of your gown,
318
00:11:58,551 --> 00:11:59,802
and we'll have a look at you.
319
00:11:59,802 --> 00:12:01,804
You got all these fancy machines.
320
00:12:01,804 --> 00:12:04,014
Can't you take a picture through the gown?
321
00:12:04,098 --> 00:12:06,183
It's normal to be a little frightened
Mr. Hill.
322
00:12:06,892 --> 00:12:08,477
Just turn your face to the wall.
323
00:12:08,561 --> 00:12:09,562
(knocks on door)
324
00:12:09,562 --> 00:12:10,730
Oh! You want me to get that?
325
00:12:10,730 --> 00:12:11,647
No!
326
00:12:12,690 --> 00:12:14,692
- Mr. Hill.
- Mr. Hill, this is Tasha.
327
00:12:14,692 --> 00:12:16,277
She's a medical student.
328
00:12:16,277 --> 00:12:18,779
Would it be all right with you
if she observes the examination?
329
00:12:18,863 --> 00:12:21,198
Uh... Well, I guess.
330
00:12:23,284 --> 00:12:24,285
(elevator dings)
331
00:12:24,285 --> 00:12:26,495
-(light music)
-(clicking)
332
00:12:26,579 --> 00:12:27,663
(woman panting)
333
00:12:27,747 --> 00:12:28,789
MAN: We made it, honey!
334
00:12:28,873 --> 00:12:30,249
Quick! Sixth floor, Maternity!
335
00:12:31,333 --> 00:12:32,334
(elevator dings)
336
00:12:33,711 --> 00:12:35,045
(chattering in distance)
337
00:12:35,129 --> 00:12:36,464
(dings)
338
00:12:36,464 --> 00:12:37,631
(chattering in distance)
339
00:12:38,132 --> 00:12:39,133
(baby crying)
340
00:12:39,633 --> 00:12:42,678
Mr. Hill, this is a special camera
341
00:12:42,762 --> 00:12:45,181
that we use to get
an inside view of your colon.
342
00:12:45,765 --> 00:12:47,933
(Hank sighs)
Just kill me now.
343
00:12:48,017 --> 00:12:50,269
Mr. Hill, do you wish a bite plate?
344
00:12:50,269 --> 00:12:52,021
Mom, I'm hungry.
345
00:12:52,021 --> 00:12:53,022
Whoa!
346
00:12:53,439 --> 00:12:55,232
Dad! What are they doing to you?
347
00:12:55,316 --> 00:12:56,817
- Bobby, get out of here!
-(door closes)
348
00:12:56,901 --> 00:12:58,027
No, Mr. Hill.
349
00:12:58,027 --> 00:12:59,528
When a family faces an illness,
350
00:12:59,612 --> 00:13:01,530
all members should be involved.
351
00:13:01,614 --> 00:13:03,949
Remember, they're your get-well team.
352
00:13:04,033 --> 00:13:05,117
Hey there, Ace.
353
00:13:05,201 --> 00:13:06,327
Do you like video games?
354
00:13:06,327 --> 00:13:07,244
Yeah.
355
00:13:07,328 --> 00:13:09,955
Well, this joystick is just like
a video game joystick
356
00:13:10,039 --> 00:13:12,291
only my red button fires a real laser.
357
00:13:12,291 --> 00:13:13,667
Cool!
358
00:13:13,751 --> 00:13:16,086
- Pchew! Pchew! Pchew! Pchew! Pchew!
-(tools whirring)
359
00:13:16,170 --> 00:13:17,046
Bobby...
360
00:13:17,046 --> 00:13:19,048
(chuckles)
Say, you're good.
361
00:13:19,048 --> 00:13:21,592
Maybe you could, uh,
help us out a little later.
362
00:13:21,592 --> 00:13:23,719
- Just kidding, Mr. Hill.
-(sighs)
363
00:13:23,803 --> 00:13:26,472
Mr. Hill, it doesn't hurt to smile.
364
00:13:26,472 --> 00:13:28,182
It might actually help.
365
00:13:28,849 --> 00:13:30,142
Tasha, you can begin.
366
00:13:31,018 --> 00:13:33,854
-(fast-paced light music)
-(tools whirring)
367
00:13:34,396 --> 00:13:35,981
So far, this looks normal.
368
00:13:36,065 --> 00:13:37,691
Normal? Uh...
369
00:13:37,775 --> 00:13:39,235
- That's good, right?
-(beeps)
370
00:13:39,235 --> 00:13:40,736
Now, this is exciting.
371
00:13:40,820 --> 00:13:42,613
There are so many twists and turns.
372
00:13:42,613 --> 00:13:44,615
I can't wait to see
what's around the next bend.
373
00:13:44,615 --> 00:13:48,035
The colon has to twist and turn
because it's surprisingly long.
374
00:13:48,035 --> 00:13:50,162
You know, Bobby, if I were to take
375
00:13:50,246 --> 00:13:51,539
your grandfather's intestine...
376
00:13:51,539 --> 00:13:52,790
I'm his father!
377
00:13:52,790 --> 00:13:54,124
Your father's intestine,
378
00:13:54,208 --> 00:13:55,876
and lay it out in a straight line,
379
00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:58,379
it would go all the way around the earth.
380
00:13:58,379 --> 00:14:00,089
Wow. Really?
381
00:14:00,089 --> 00:14:01,173
DR. MORELY: Mm-hmm.
382
00:14:01,257 --> 00:14:03,008
Well, that is amazing, Doctor.
383
00:14:03,092 --> 00:14:04,718
You know, I did not know that.
384
00:14:04,802 --> 00:14:06,136
Now, how could that be?
385
00:14:06,220 --> 00:14:09,431
The earth is 25,000 miles around.
386
00:14:09,890 --> 00:14:12,226
A piece of steak would have
to shoot through your system
387
00:14:12,226 --> 00:14:13,853
faster than the speed of sound.
388
00:14:14,478 --> 00:14:15,479
That's impossible.
389
00:14:15,563 --> 00:14:17,606
Well, Mr. Hill, there's certainly nothing
390
00:14:17,690 --> 00:14:19,900
going through your intestines that fast.
391
00:14:19,984 --> 00:14:20,818
(laughs)
392
00:14:20,818 --> 00:14:22,111
Hey, I like this.
393
00:14:22,111 --> 00:14:24,822
Can I be a proctologist when I grow up?
394
00:14:24,822 --> 00:14:25,990
-(tools whirring continues)
-(clicks tongue)
395
00:14:25,990 --> 00:14:30,578
Um, Mr. Hill, I'm gonna have to ask you
to relax your buttocks for me, please.
396
00:14:31,829 --> 00:14:34,290
-(tools whirring continues)
-(light music)
397
00:14:36,584 --> 00:14:37,418
(yawns)
398
00:14:37,418 --> 00:14:39,211
How are you holding up, Mrs. Hill?
399
00:14:39,295 --> 00:14:40,170
Well, I'm okay.
400
00:14:40,838 --> 00:14:44,133
I'm just a little uncomfortable
from sitting here for so long.
401
00:14:44,925 --> 00:14:46,468
(Dr. Morely groaning)
402
00:14:46,552 --> 00:14:48,345
Okay, let's take a five-minute break.
403
00:14:53,809 --> 00:14:56,020
Well, Mr. Hill, we're not exactly sure
404
00:14:56,020 --> 00:14:57,313
what's causing your problem.
405
00:14:57,855 --> 00:15:00,774
So at this point, the best option might be
to remove something surgically.
406
00:15:00,858 --> 00:15:01,942
(groans)
407
00:15:02,026 --> 00:15:03,402
I'm sorry, but apparently
408
00:15:03,402 --> 00:15:05,571
your low-fat,
high-fiber diet is not working.
409
00:15:05,571 --> 00:15:08,657
Well, maybe Hank just needs
to give his low-fat, high-fiber diet
410
00:15:08,741 --> 00:15:09,783
a little more time.
411
00:15:10,242 --> 00:15:11,577
Isn't that right, Hank?
412
00:15:11,577 --> 00:15:13,245
Yes, yes, all right.
413
00:15:13,329 --> 00:15:16,081
Mm-hmm. Just to be safe,
I'll book an operating room
414
00:15:16,165 --> 00:15:17,207
for the end of the week.
415
00:15:17,291 --> 00:15:18,542
Oh, god...
416
00:15:18,626 --> 00:15:19,585
DR. MORELY: Don't worry.
417
00:15:19,585 --> 00:15:23,172
You know, it's possible to live
a long, healthy slightly less active life
418
00:15:23,172 --> 00:15:24,173
without a colon.
419
00:15:24,173 --> 00:15:25,215
(groans)
420
00:15:25,299 --> 00:15:26,675
DR. MORELY: You just can't wear shorts.
421
00:15:28,969 --> 00:15:30,971
(birds chirping)
422
00:15:32,139 --> 00:15:33,307
(faint light music)
423
00:15:33,307 --> 00:15:34,725
"Notdogs."
424
00:15:34,725 --> 00:15:36,101
Now, what are these, hot dogs?
425
00:15:36,185 --> 00:15:38,854
No, they're notdogs.
426
00:15:38,938 --> 00:15:40,064
They're made of tofu.
427
00:15:40,064 --> 00:15:42,066
Tofu? I can't eat that crap.
428
00:15:42,066 --> 00:15:44,234
Then try this faux-fu.
429
00:15:44,318 --> 00:15:47,071
It's a tofu substitute
for the tofu-intolerant.
430
00:15:47,071 --> 00:15:50,074
Mm-hm. Now, would that be good for
a man who's constipated?
431
00:15:50,074 --> 00:15:52,117
- Peggy.
- Well, I didn't say it was you.
432
00:15:52,201 --> 00:15:53,494
Is this for your husband?
433
00:15:53,494 --> 00:15:54,411
Yes.
434
00:15:54,495 --> 00:15:56,956
And we will also take
a quart of your brown rice broth.
435
00:15:56,956 --> 00:15:59,041
Do you have anything that tastes good?
436
00:15:59,500 --> 00:16:01,710
Hmm. Ah...
437
00:16:02,670 --> 00:16:03,754
No.
438
00:16:03,754 --> 00:16:05,422
Ooh! Look at this, Uncle Hank.
439
00:16:05,506 --> 00:16:08,801
"Experience moxibustion with Mr. Li.
440
00:16:09,426 --> 00:16:11,762
Board-certified moxibustionist.
441
00:16:11,762 --> 00:16:15,182
Relieves stress,
and opens the energy channels."
442
00:16:15,182 --> 00:16:16,767
What the hell is that?
443
00:16:16,767 --> 00:16:18,352
He sticks needles in your skin
444
00:16:18,352 --> 00:16:19,561
And sets them on fire.
445
00:16:19,645 --> 00:16:22,398
Anyone ever try that on me,
I'll kick his ass.
446
00:16:22,523 --> 00:16:23,774
(birds chirping)
447
00:16:23,774 --> 00:16:25,484
- No! Watch out behind you!
-(crowd cheering on TV)
448
00:16:25,484 --> 00:16:26,652
No!
(groans)
449
00:16:26,652 --> 00:16:29,113
God, gatorade all down his back.
450
00:16:29,947 --> 00:16:30,990
Hank, it's 2 o'clock.
451
00:16:30,990 --> 00:16:32,116
Bathroom time.
452
00:16:32,116 --> 00:16:33,242
Peg, can't I just...
453
00:16:33,242 --> 00:16:34,410
PEGGY: Bathroom time.
454
00:16:34,660 --> 00:16:36,453
(sighs)
All right.
455
00:16:38,747 --> 00:16:39,707
DALE: Hi, there, Peggy.
456
00:16:39,707 --> 00:16:42,042
We were wondering if Hank could come out
457
00:16:42,126 --> 00:16:43,585
and help us with my fence.
458
00:16:43,669 --> 00:16:45,004
PEGGY: Oh, I'm sorry, Dale.
459
00:16:45,004 --> 00:16:46,880
Hank is having his bathroom time.
460
00:16:46,964 --> 00:16:47,923
Maybe later.
461
00:16:48,716 --> 00:16:50,134
(bright music)
462
00:16:50,134 --> 00:16:52,636
-(hisses)
-(liquid pouring)
463
00:16:57,349 --> 00:16:59,351
(snoring)
464
00:17:02,646 --> 00:17:04,690
(relaxing music)
465
00:17:11,989 --> 00:17:14,533
(high-pitched light music)
466
00:17:14,533 --> 00:17:15,492
(clicks)
467
00:17:20,497 --> 00:17:21,331
- Mm.
-(thumps)
468
00:17:21,415 --> 00:17:23,333
-(somber music)
-(chattering in distance)
469
00:17:28,130 --> 00:17:30,340
Well, thank you all for coming.
470
00:17:30,424 --> 00:17:32,301
I thought it would help cheer Hank up
471
00:17:32,301 --> 00:17:33,719
to have all of his friends here.
472
00:17:33,719 --> 00:17:36,013
I think he's making a lot of progress.
473
00:17:36,138 --> 00:17:37,848
Where are you going, Hank?
474
00:17:37,848 --> 00:17:39,183
- To the bathroom.
-(gasps)
475
00:17:39,183 --> 00:17:40,684
Now, just try to relax, Hank,
476
00:17:40,768 --> 00:17:41,935
and concentrate.
477
00:17:42,019 --> 00:17:43,187
This could be it.
478
00:17:44,646 --> 00:17:46,023
-(knocks on door)
- Come on!
479
00:17:46,231 --> 00:17:47,274
Will you hurry up!
480
00:17:47,274 --> 00:17:48,776
Peggy, please.
481
00:17:50,194 --> 00:17:51,445
Come on, Hank.
482
00:17:53,363 --> 00:17:54,448
(sighs)
483
00:17:55,449 --> 00:17:57,451
(light music)
484
00:18:09,963 --> 00:18:11,673
(sighs)
485
00:18:14,593 --> 00:18:16,720
(whirring)
486
00:18:17,471 --> 00:18:18,722
No, no. See, what I'm saying is
487
00:18:18,806 --> 00:18:22,017
salad don't always have
to have salad in it.
488
00:18:22,101 --> 00:18:25,354
See, there's potato salad and, uh... Ohh.
489
00:18:26,105 --> 00:18:27,856
(sighs)
I'm sorry, Peg.
490
00:18:27,940 --> 00:18:30,359
I let you down, I let you all down.
491
00:18:30,359 --> 00:18:31,944
Don't you worry, Hank.
492
00:18:31,944 --> 00:18:34,613
We still have 24 hours
before your appointment.
493
00:18:34,613 --> 00:18:36,657
And, honey, we're gonna make
the most of it.
494
00:18:36,657 --> 00:18:38,325
(somber music)
495
00:18:39,076 --> 00:18:40,327
(sighs)
496
00:18:49,795 --> 00:18:51,630
(clanking)
497
00:18:56,802 --> 00:18:57,970
(squeaks)
498
00:19:00,806 --> 00:19:03,058
(engine whirring)
499
00:19:04,852 --> 00:19:06,145
(birds chirping)
500
00:19:06,145 --> 00:19:09,231
You know, Hanks seems a little... Down.
501
00:19:09,231 --> 00:19:11,150
Well, he's a shell of a man.
502
00:19:11,150 --> 00:19:12,985
I never thought Hank had the willpower
503
00:19:12,985 --> 00:19:14,820
to give up everything he enjoyed.
504
00:19:14,820 --> 00:19:16,905
Well, that's not Hank. That's me.
505
00:19:17,030 --> 00:19:18,115
I mean, if it was up to him,
506
00:19:18,115 --> 00:19:20,409
he'd still be eating
burgers in the backyard
507
00:19:20,409 --> 00:19:21,994
with Dale, Bill and Boomhauer.
508
00:19:21,994 --> 00:19:25,956
He'd still be drinking beer
and shouting at the TV set, and...
509
00:19:26,540 --> 00:19:30,169
having a lot of fun, and...
(sighs)
510
00:19:31,378 --> 00:19:33,380
(somber music)
511
00:19:33,964 --> 00:19:34,882
(plops)
512
00:19:34,882 --> 00:19:35,966
(gasps)
513
00:19:35,966 --> 00:19:37,426
- Wait here.
-(chair scrapes)
514
00:19:38,969 --> 00:19:40,012
So?
515
00:19:40,012 --> 00:19:40,971
So what?
516
00:19:40,971 --> 00:19:42,014
Well, I heard a...
517
00:19:42,472 --> 00:19:44,683
I mean, I wasn't listening,
but I did hear a...
518
00:19:44,683 --> 00:19:46,810
Oh. That was my glasses.
519
00:19:48,645 --> 00:19:49,646
Look, honey.
520
00:19:49,730 --> 00:19:50,689
We got to talk.
521
00:19:51,273 --> 00:19:52,524
I know you want to help,
522
00:19:52,608 --> 00:19:54,568
but this is getting out of control.
523
00:19:54,818 --> 00:19:57,654
You can't treat a grown man like a baby.
524
00:19:57,738 --> 00:19:59,114
It ain't right.
525
00:19:59,198 --> 00:20:02,075
I feel like I've been trying
to be someone else lately.
526
00:20:02,576 --> 00:20:04,119
Eating food I don't eat,
527
00:20:04,870 --> 00:20:07,039
and I'm just not going to do it anymore.
528
00:20:07,039 --> 00:20:08,749
And if I don't ever poop again.
529
00:20:08,749 --> 00:20:10,542
Well, that's just going to be who I am.
530
00:20:11,168 --> 00:20:13,670
I'd rather die with a burger in my colon
531
00:20:13,754 --> 00:20:15,714
than live and eat faux-fu.
532
00:20:16,298 --> 00:20:18,175
Hank, I know, and...
533
00:20:18,759 --> 00:20:20,010
It's okay. You're right.
534
00:20:20,010 --> 00:20:21,136
What?
535
00:20:21,220 --> 00:20:22,429
Well, I'm only doing this
536
00:20:22,429 --> 00:20:24,640
because I want you to be around
as long as possible
537
00:20:24,640 --> 00:20:26,225
because I love you.
538
00:20:26,934 --> 00:20:29,061
But I have to let you be you.
539
00:20:29,186 --> 00:20:30,187
-(sniffles)
-(somber music)
540
00:20:30,187 --> 00:20:32,397
Oh... Peggy, I...
541
00:20:32,481 --> 00:20:34,733
I'll still be here for a good, long while.
542
00:20:34,733 --> 00:20:35,984
PEGGY: I worry...
543
00:20:36,068 --> 00:20:37,152
I know you do.
544
00:20:37,236 --> 00:20:38,153
...that you could...
545
00:20:38,237 --> 00:20:39,655
Ah, I, I know, honey.
546
00:20:40,155 --> 00:20:42,950
And I'm a lucky son of a gun,
I tell you what,
547
00:20:42,950 --> 00:20:45,911
to have a woman like you
care so much about me.
548
00:20:46,328 --> 00:20:48,330
I'm going to be more open.
549
00:20:48,330 --> 00:20:50,499
- Tell you how I'm doing more.
-(whimpers)
550
00:20:50,499 --> 00:20:51,917
And let you in.
551
00:20:51,917 --> 00:20:52,834
(sobbing)
552
00:20:52,918 --> 00:20:55,796
I just want this moment
to last forever, Hank.
553
00:20:55,796 --> 00:20:56,880
Me too.
554
00:20:56,964 --> 00:20:57,965
(sighs)
555
00:20:58,674 --> 00:20:59,800
But it can't.
556
00:20:59,800 --> 00:21:01,301
Oh, hold me, Hank.
557
00:21:01,385 --> 00:21:03,220
No!
558
00:21:03,220 --> 00:21:04,805
Let go! Let go!
559
00:21:05,264 --> 00:21:06,098
(door slams)
560
00:21:07,432 --> 00:21:08,475
-(grunts)
-(door slams)
561
00:21:10,227 --> 00:21:12,354
(suspenseful music)
562
00:21:12,354 --> 00:21:13,605
(whimpers)
563
00:21:18,860 --> 00:21:21,154
-(toilet flushes)
- Yes!
564
00:21:21,238 --> 00:21:24,408
(triumph music rising)
565
00:21:38,880 --> 00:21:40,132
{\an8}(engine purring)
566
00:21:40,132 --> 00:21:42,592
{\an8}You might have noticed
in tonight's episode
567
00:21:42,676 --> 00:21:44,803
{\an8}there was some brief nudity.
568
00:21:44,803 --> 00:21:48,056
{\an8}Now, as an actor, I only do nudity
569
00:21:48,140 --> 00:21:50,225
{\an8}when I feel the script warrants it.
570
00:21:50,726 --> 00:21:52,561
{\an8}And I thought tonight's episode
571
00:21:52,561 --> 00:21:55,230
{\an8}only warranted seeing the side of my rump.
572
00:21:55,939 --> 00:21:57,649
{\an8}You can believe me when I tell you
573
00:21:57,733 --> 00:22:00,986
{\an8}the Fox executives were pushing
for a whole lot more.
574
00:22:01,695 --> 00:22:05,449
{\an8}If any of you were offended
by my body, I am truly sorry.
575
00:22:06,158 --> 00:22:07,159
{\an8}Good night.
576
00:22:07,159 --> 00:22:08,785
{\an8}(engine purring)