(birds chirping)
(slurping)
(slurps)
Hey, look at that.
(truck approaching)
(light music)
(engine stalls)
Well, I guess we're finally getting some new neighbors.
(light music)
(clanks)
I tell you if that boy handles a football
half as good as he handles a cardboard box,
Arlen's high got herself a new tight end.
You think the dad's a good bowler?
He looks like a good bowler.
Maybe he needs a... you know, fella to bowl with.
(thuds)
Notice how he lifts with his legs.
I think they're going to fit in just fine.
- Howdy, fellas. -(clatters)
What brings you to Arlen?
Well, uh...
- This family hired us to move their stuff. -(footsteps)
(car door opens)
(car door closes)
-(footsteps) -(barks)
(birds chirping)
(light music)
(fast-paced light music)
Well, I'll be darned.
BILL: They look Japanese.
Nope. I think they're Chinese. (blows)
How can you tell?
Japanese guys usually have glasses
and a suit and a tie and stuff like that.
Uh-huh.
Well, a neighbor's a neighbor.
Let's go over and say hi.
You reckon they even speak English?
Yeah, man, them Chinese, man
you can't understand dang ol' word they say, man.
Try to listen... All upside-down whatnot.
(rustles)
Hi there.
I'm Hank Hill.
I live next door, which means I'm your neighbor
and you're my friend.
I think you'll find we have a great little community here.
What do you think of it so far?
I am Kahn Souphanousinphone.
Hmm...
So that's pronounced "Kahn," right?
Nice to meet you.
(grunts)
What the heck are you trying to do?
-(somber music) -(slurping)
So, are you Chinese or Japanese?
I live in California last 20 years but first come from Laos.
Huh?
Laos.
We Laotian.
The ocean?
What ocean?
We are Laotian!
From Laos, stupid!
It's a landlocked country in Southeast Asia.
It's between Vietnam and Thailand, okay?
Population: 4.7 million.
(birds chirping)
So, are you Chinese or Japanese?
D-aw...
This is so very exciting.
It's like we get to travel to the orient
without having to worry about diarrhea
or being jailed for our pro-democracy beliefs.
You know, at the Beauty Academy
they teach us that people aren't black or white
or yellow or red, but their hair can be.
I'm going to invite our new neighbors to dinner.
We can't expect them to break the ice.
These people are by nature shy and reserved.
I read somewhere that the Chinese language
has 70 words for "Rice," but no word for "Friend."
(light music)
KAHN: "Howdy, you all..."
Howdy, howdy, howdy.
Can you believe this crap?
You want to live in this country, learn to speak English!
I'm not going.
But you promised.
-(thuds) - Why go? I could stay home
order a bucket of chicken and watch hee haw.
Same thing.
Kahn, please.
For once, try not to piss off neighbor.
We kicked out of Laos.
We kicked out of Anaheim.
I'm tired of running.
(light music)
-(door opens) - Hello, Kahn.
Hank.
Oh, darn it... Darn... You have darn fine house.
Lead-free since 1988.
This is my wife, Minh, and daughter Kahn Jr.
- And this is Peggy Hill. -(crickets chirping)
On behalf of Arlen, Texas,
I would like to welcome you to our country.
Now, please make yourselves at home
and take off your shoes.
Why?
You just shampoo carpet?
(clinking)
Come on, Bobby, Have some seconds.
The girl's lapping you.
I've never had beef chop suey before.
Really?
Oh, you poor dear.
You know, I read somewhere that in certain parts of China
meat is as scarce as toilet paper.
Oh, where you read that?
Who can remember?
As a substitute teacher,
I have to review all sorts of learning materials.
Maybe it was on a placemat.
So you're a teacher.
Ah, maybe you can tell me why Arlen test scores are so low.
I know why.
It's because Kahn Jr. not there
to bring up average.
You know, my boy here might not be
the best test-taker
- but he's got near-perfect attendance. -(thuds)
- Tell them, Bobby. -(footsteps)
- I hope you all saved some room... -(clinking)
...for my famous apple brown betty.
The recipe is a closely guarded family secret.
Passed on from my mother's mother to my mother, to me, and someday
I will give it to my Bobby.
-(thuds) -(grunts)
-(door opens, squeaks) - Well, at least the brown betty was good.
You must give me recipe.
Oh, Minh, you know I can't do that.
But what I can do is offer you some leftovers.
Here. Now, just reheat this for ten minutes...
(gasps) I have already said way too much.
Well, y'all come back now, you hear?
That's Texan for Sayonara.
Oh, my!
Peggy Hill, what big feet you have!
Like boat!
Well, that's just the way God made me.
Hey, look at me.
I'm like little girl in mama's shoes.
Okay, bye-bye now, bye-bye.
-(grunting) -(door closes)
Now, honey, she didn't mean anything by it.
You do not come into a woman's home and insult her feet.
You just don't.
Aw, come on, Peg.
Remember when you first moved here from Montana?
You called pop "Sodee-pop"
and you thought 93 in the shade was hot.
Our new neighbors are just like you.
All they need is a little bit of time.
And Hank Hill to watch out for them.
Well, do you think my feet are too big?
Naw.
There's just more of you to love.
(thumps)
Ow.
Uh... Sorry.
-(light music) -(water trickles)
(barking)
(gate opens, squeaks)
-(gasps) -(growls)
Be careful, Bobby.
That's one of them Chinese fighting dogs.
No, it's a West Highland terrier.
Yeah, that's it.
So what's his name?
Doggie.
Yes, Kahn Jr., he's a doggie.
Can you tell me his name?
He's called Doggie.
And that's called a doggie, too.
But her name is Lady Bird.
She's a purebred Georgia bloodhound.
Her mama tracked down James Earl Ray.
-(water trickles) -(barking)
Whoo! (laughs)
Aren't kids great?
They're too young to know about fear or prejudice.
They won't have to learn that till high school.
Yep, there's a real lesson here for all of us.
Move, please.
You're standing on my hose.
(somber music)
(both barking)
Dad, look!
Ladybird and Doggie like each other.
Of course, they do, son.
They're neighbors.
(water trickles)
You know, Kahn, I just found a breeding partner for my Lady Bird.
If you're interested in having a real American dog,
- I can give... -(Doggie growling)
What the hell...!
- Get him off! Get him off of her! -(water trickles)
- Your Lady Bird, she real slut. -(Doggie barking)
Lady Bird is not a slut.
She is in heat.
Her hormones have overwhelmed her natural modesty.
-(growls) -(whimpers)
For Pete's sake, would you tie up your dog?
You tie your dog.
She seduce my Doggie.
That's ridiculous.
Lady Bird can only love another purebred Georgia bloodhound.
You know what I think, Hank Hill?
I think you're a narrow-minded redneck!
Oh, I get it, just because I'm from Texas
I got to be a redneck.
- Chinese and their stupid stereotypes. -(Lady Bird whimpers)
Get off my property!
(sighs)
Sorry, Lady Bird.
I know you didn't mean to, uh... have relations with that dog
but I got to tie you up anyway.
If only to protect your virtue and good name.
-(somber music) -(birds chirping)
-(engine whirring) -(whimpers)
(dogs barking)
Mm-hm. Oh, man.
(engine whirring)
Well, hey, look at that.
Maybe Kahn will let you borrow his sexy little import.
I'd cut my entire quarter acre with the lady bic
before I'd borrow that man's mower.
I just don't like him.
Why? 'Cause he's Chinese?
No.
So, he's Korean?
- What the hell's the difference? -(birds chirping)
I don't like the man.
That has nothing to do with where he's from.
I'm no redneck.
He could be from Mars for all I care.
Believe me, Hank, if Kahn were from Mars,
you'd care.
Especially after he's stolen
every last drop of Earth's drinkable water
to transport back to his home planet.
Mars.
(footsteps)
Come on. Stop dawdling, Luanne. We have got to pick up that pizza
before the cheese gets cold and the pineapple gets hot.
- What's the rush? -(engine starts)
If we're not there in 30 minutes, it's free.
(engine revving smoothly)
Peggy Hill! Peggy Hill!
LUANNE: Wait Aunt Peggy, it's Minh.
- PEGGY: Mm-hmm. - MINH: Stop!
(tires screech)
Oh, why, Minh,
I almost did not see you there.
(panting) Peggy Hill...
I feel deeply, deeply sorry about dinner.
We get off to bad start.
I say things I should only have thought.
Oh, Minh, thank you.
It must have taken a lot of courage to apologize like that.
And I know, I was once the new girl in town myself.
Me, Kahn, Kahn Jr. have a barbecue tomorrow.
It mean so much if you come.
Well, thank you, Minh.
We would be honored to come.
And if you need any help with the barbecue
or if you just want to know what a barbecue is
you give me a call.
-(light music) -(car pulls away)
Uh-uh, Peggy.
I can't go. I won't.
Not after what he said about Lady Bird.
Oh, Hank, come on.
Now, Minh and I just made up.
We have to go.
And if you stay home,
people will think you don't like Kahn
just because he's oriental.
That is ridiculous.
I hate the man because he's rude and nasty,
not because of what his people did to us in WWII.
Well, Hank, I know that, but everyone else...
They'll say, "Hank Hill is a racist."
What the heck kind of country is this?
Where I can only hate a man if he's white?
Hank Hill, you will go to that party
you will pretend to like Kahn
and you will drink until you actually do.
-(light music) -(chattering in distance)
Go on.
- Uh... -(clicking)
Uh, howdy, Kahn.
Howdy, howdy, howdy.
Here you go.
I thought you might enjoy
7.5 gallons of pure premium propane.
Are you kidding?
No, I cook with mesquite.
Give meat nice taste of wood.
-(clanks) - And I cook with propane.
Gives meat nice taste of meat.
Hank Hill...
Hey, whatever.
Some cultures like mesquite, some prefer propane.
Doesn't mean we can't all get along.
Just because I happen to sell propane
and propane accessories...
All right, go stick tank on a table.
Keep napkins from blowing away.
Kahn Souphanousinphone...
- Ah, okay. -(birds chirping)
You honor me by giving me gas.
- Doggie's just like me. -(barking, howling)
He's new in town and he's only got one friend.
Yeah.
But at least you're not tied up.
If I were, I'd just dislocate my shoulders
and slip out of the knot
I'd chew through the leash.
I bet it tastes just like a bible cover.
Hey, let's untie him.
They belong together.
And it's fun to watch them play piggyback.
There you go, boy.
Go play with Lady Bird.
Be with your true love.
(light music)
(car approaches)
Wait!
Come back!
You're in love!
Doggie! Doggie, no, no!
Come back!
(fast-paced light music)
(gnaws)
(footsteps)
Oh, look, it's Peggy Hill, my new best friend!
She's so pretty in her little yellow sundress.
Oh, Minh, you are so sweet
I could just mix you up in some Jell-O
and eat you for dessert.
Oh, Peggy Hill, look at husbands.
Too bad men don't get along like we do.
We get along.
-(birds chirping) - Men stupid.
Women smart.
Mm-hmm, the whole world over.
Heh-heh-heh. Peggy Hill.
Look what I make, Peggy Hill brown betty.
Oh... But that's impossible.
I never gave you the...
Where'd you get my granny's recipe?
I figure it out myself, and then make it better.
Her recipe missing one thing, flavor.
I beg your "P"?
I add flavor, nutmeg flavor.
Now taste much better, don't you think, Peggy Hill?
Please to try Peggy brown betty.
Would you like a Peggy brown betty?
It's tasty. Delicious.
Why, Peggy, to be honest
I have always had trouble keeping your brown betty down
but this here is pure heaven.
(quirky music)
(fire hisses)
HANK: Those burgers look pretty done to me.
Not yet.
You might want to turn them now.
Too soon.
Okay.
-(fire hissing) -(birds chirping)
Uh...
(fire hissing)
(groans)
(fire hissing)
You might want to turn them now.
No. Please go away.
Please, Kahn, you're burning them.
That's too much char.
Shut mouth and open mouth.
(munches)
Mmm.
Boy, howdy.
That is the best damn burger I ever ate.
-(bright music) -(chattering)
Stop. Stop pushing.
There's enough for everyone...
If three of you go home right now.
Ha-ha-ha-ha! Joke!
- Doggie? -(birds chirping)
Doggie?
Kahn Jr.?
Yeah?
Why are you named Kahn Jr.?
My father wanted a boy.
Yeah, so did mine.
My dad is so lame.
He makes me practice violin five hours a day.
My dad won't let me watch TV more than five hours a day.
Well, my dad's making me memorize 2,000 words for the S.A.T.
He's such an autocrat.
What's a S.A.T.?
(birds chirping)
I'll tell you, Peggy.
There's nothing these people can't make better.
First the automobile, then the color TV
and now the hamburger.
How do they do it?
With a dash of nutmeg, Hank.
A dash of nutmeg.
Oh, Peggy Hill...
Your husband like burger so much
I give you recipe.
Now you can please him.
I don't care what country he's from.
Any man who can make a burger like that
is okay by me.
(groans)
You said it.
Boy, it was so good, it's almost a shame
to lose it to the process of digestion.
Yeah, man, I'll tell you what.
That dang old onion soup powder
you just put a little bit of that
you don't need no grilled onions, man.
How about you, Dale? How many you got under your belt?
Zero.
Huh? How come.
Don't eat dog.
ALL: Huh?
(upbeat music)
- Okay, here are the facts as I see 'em. -(birds chirping)
Kahn served you dog.
- Kahn did not serve us dog. -(slurps)
That's just an awful stereotype.
Chinese people don't really do that.
Well, I don't know.
Anyone crazy enough to put nutmeg in brown betty.
Well, they'd be crazy enough to do anything.
I... Hey, even if they did feed us dog
you know, who are we, huh?
Who are we to judge other cultures?
You know, maybe they're onto something.
They did invent paper, you know.
Quit talking like that.
Dog is man's best friend.
You wouldn't eat your best friend, would you?
'Course not.
Wait. Are we talking about some lifeboat situation here?
'Cause I don't want to paint myself into a corner.
Look, I can settle this right now.
- That woman gave us a recipe. -(paper rustles)
See? Right here, it says, "chopped meat"
not chopped dog.
Dog is meat.
Mmm. You said it, friend.
Oh. I... I was trying to get
that awful taste off my fingers.
(motor whirring)
(somber music)
(birds chirping)
(somber music)
Doggie? Doggie?
MINH: Hello? Dog pound?
Yes, hello?
I'm looking for dog.
Sweet, sweet dog.
- Have big barbecue today, and dog run out. -(suspenseful music)
Oh, about 20, 25 pound.
Good lord, it's true!
Oh, I call you back.
Hank Hill!
What a nice surprise.
Hey, Kahn, come quick.
Your best friend is here.
O-oh, no.
Uh, uh, that's okay.
What you doing here?
- Uh... -(motor purring)
I can't hear you over my weed whacker!
Hey, where you going, Hank Hill? Stop!
I can't hear you.
My chrysanthemum!
What you doing?
KAHN: Ah! You ruin my yard!
You crazy redneck!
(Minh speaks Laotian)
-(footsteps) -(birds chirping)
We're never going to find Doggie.
I know.
Want to ride bikes?
Hey...
Lady Bird's a bloodhound.
Maybe she can find Doggie.
Yeah!
- Come on, Lady Bird. -(howling)
Lead us to Doggie.
(bright music)
(panting)
(squeaking)
Ah.
(clanking)
-(leash slaps) -(Lady Bird whimpers)
(slurping)
My God, Dale, you were right.
- Their dog is gone. -(slurping)
All gone.
I caught Minh on the phone
with some kind of doggie butcher.
She was placing an order.
This is very dangerous.
They know that you know.
And now, they got to come after you.
- They do? - Yup.
They'll get you with a blow dart.
That's their way.
But you'll just think it's a mosquito bite
until you die.
Then you'll know the truth.
Why? Why would they shoot people?
Human meat's tough, flavorless.
They should be out hunting for more dog.
-(gasps) -(fast-paced light music)
Good gad!
- He's got Lady Bird! -(birds chirping)
(suspenseful music)
(licking)
It's still wet.
Maybe there's time.
Come on, guys. We got to save Lady Bird.
(fast-paced light music)
(buzzing)
D'ah! I've been hit!
Quick, somebody suck out the poison!
(fast-paced light music)
(panting)
-(thuds) - Oh, no!
Lady Bird!
(retches)
(thuds)
Whoa... That psycho redneck is back.
-(gasping) - Why he so mad?
We do something wrong?
You're the one who insulted his propane.
You're the one who made fun
of Peggy Hill's monster feet.
-(banging on door) - HANK: Open up, Kahn!
Open up now!
Get my bat.
I know you're in there!
Go away!
I do nothing wrong.
Look, Kahn, I understand
that life is valued differently
- in your part of the world -(birds chirping)
Largely as a result of overcrowding and famine
but you're in my country now.
You a crazy man!
I call the police.
If anyone's calling the police
it's going to be me.
Please, what you want from me?
I want my Lady Bird.
You understand me?
Give me my dog back or else.
Oh-ho-ho... Tough guy.
I so scared.
You want a piece of this?
Dad, no!
It's all our fault.
We lost the dogs.
They wanted to play with each other
so we untied them, and they ran away
and now, we can't find them.
- You what? -(somber music)
You mean you...
The, the dogs...
They're still alive?
What you think happen?
Well, I... Uh... Nothing.
We're sorry, dad.
We looked everywhere.
We really did.
Bobby, you really screwed up this time.
Kahn Jr., you fall in with a bad crowd.
You made me fight with my neighbor.
You made the neighbor man crazy.
- Go to your room! - Go your room!
Wha...? You say, "Go to your room"?
Huh. I say, "Go your room."
You spank?
No, sir.
Don't believe in it.
No, me neither.
I think it barbaric.
- How about bed without dessert? -(light music)
Never fail.
Huh. Wouldn't figure a child could be motivated
by a fortune cookie and an orange slice.
Oh, the cookie may be small
but it contain great wisdom.
And orange is sweet and juicy.
You know, Kahn, we may deny our kids
completely different desserts.
But they both go to bed hungry, and that's what really matters.
Well... Guess we're not so different after all.
Boy howdy.
(dogs barking in distance)
Lady Bird!
Doggie!
(both laughing)
Doggie's home!
Welcome to the neighborhood,
Kahn... Sou-pha-nou-sin-phone.
Just call me Kahn.
I don't got all damn day.
(gasps)
I'm running out of time!
Give me the antidote, man!
(tense music)
This is my granny's five-alarm jambalaya.
-(slurps) -(whirring)
Mmm. You want less hot, more spicy.
- Add nutmeg. -(clanks)
- Less hot, more spicy. -(writing)
Add nutmeg, of course.
Okay. Aunt Lavern's chicken fried chicken.
(munches) Mmm. Too much Mrs. Dash.
Add nutmeg.
(muttering)
- And this here is my very own rabbit stew. -(whirring)
(slurps)
Ugh! Rabbit?
You rednecks will eat anything.