Hey, my dad's invitation to the party got returned.
"Grandpa Cotton Hill, heck USA"?
Bobby, why did you write this?
You know your grandpa lives in Houston.
Mom says he's the devil.
Peggy, how can you tell Bobby that?
I said "Evil," Hank.
How you get "Devil" from that is beyond me.
I don't want grandpa at my party.
The kids will already hate me 'cause you got the wrong kind of bean dip.
What's wrong with the bean dip?
Wait a minute. What's wrong with your grandpa?
He's got big plastic teeth, he screams all the time,
his legs don't work...
Bobby, never make fun of your grandpa's legs.
He lost his shins defending Texas in World War II.
Now, son, pick up that phone
and invite your granddad to your birthday party.
Okay.
Hi, grandpa.
Bobby, if you're going to fake dial,
you got to hit more than three numbers.
Whoo!
This thing is a hoot!
Whoa!
Ahh... I got a splinter here.
Orange you glad I didn't say banana?
Huh? Huh?
This party's boring.
Everybody hates you.
Why you so pissed off for, Peggy Hill?
Oh, nothing. Just Hank's father.
- He's driving in for the party. - Oh, Lord. That crazy Cotton Hill?
I heard after Hank's mother left Cotton.
He married his 16-year-old nurse.
Didi is 39, thank you very much.
Although parts of her are much younger.
Ooh, Peggy Hill.
- Dad, I'm dying out there.
I blew up a balloon with my nose... nothing.
I did this thing.
What are you talking about?
Nothing.
Did you try burping the alphabet?
That's my closer, dad.
"What are you talking about?
What are you talking about?"
Tell you what, man. Fat kid's always the funny one.
John Candy, John Belushi.
Knife and fork dug their graves.
Who wants a burger?
Well, I'll take that steak.
The heck you say.
Did you win World War II?
This rib eye is for my daddy.
Cotton's coming?
Whoa, if I was you, Kahn,
I'd amscray before he gets here.
Yeah, if he finds out you're from Japan, you know.
How many times I tell you, stupid?
I'm Laotian!
U...
V...
Yah! Ya-hoo!
Happy birthday, Bobby.
Aw, Dad, you crazy son of a gun.
You really outdid yourself this time.
Well, you know me, I'm larger than life.
Where are his legs?
What are you looking at, moe?
A Japanese machine gun blew my shins off in WW II.
So what?
You like that horse, Bobby?
I love it, grandpa.
Well, you can love it for four more hours.
It's a rental.
All right, who wants the first ride?
Me!
Hey, Hank's wife.
How long have you been here, Cotton?
I didn't notice you sneak...
Didi, come on out here and gab with Hank's wife.
Lookie here, Hank.
What you think of your mama's new tatas?
She is not my mother.
Heck, we went to kindergarten together.
Hey, Hank, do you still like finger-painting?
- Everyone thinks your party's cool, Bobby.
I'm having fun.
Your wife divorced you.
Mr. Kahn,
I'll have a mai tai.
What, what you think?
I work for Hank?
Uh, Dad, this here's my new neighbor.
He's Japanese.
No, he ain't.
He's Laotian.
Ain't you, Mr. Kahn?
All right, time to open my gift.
Whoa.
- A super squirter.
- Oh-ho! Super squirter.
Ain't no water toy, Mr. Kahn.
It's a genuine winchester 20-gauge shotgun.
You got a real gun.
Nope, and now Peggy Hill has a real gun.
Bobby, you are too young to own a firearm, honey.
Did you see that, Hank?
Tell your woman to give him back his gun.
His woman?
Oh, Cotton, I am my own woman
And don't you forget it.
Oh, Peg, that's just cowboy talk, come on.
Hey, let's go bust open that pinata.
Kill it, boy! Bash it!
- That's right, honey.
Hank, the boy can barely reach it.
Now, lower the pinata so he has a chance at it. Come on.
Oh! Crack it!
- Nail it!
Oo! Bash it!
Bash it!
- Kill it, boy!
It must be made of kryptonite or something.
Aw, for crying out loud!
- Good lord, Cotton.
You gave him a loaded shotgun?
Well, you don't give a toy without batteries.
- Come and get your tootsie rolls!
- I am so sorry.
Your grandpa ruined your birthday, son.
He didn't ruin it. He made it fun.
Bobby, come on over here, boy.
Take off them pink gloves.
That's women's work.
Leave him alone.
He's a good helper.
Oh, whatever you say, hillary.
Cotton, I'll do the dishes.
I like to.
Permission granted.
Put an apron over your new bosom, too.
Don't tell her, but I got them cheap.
Both lefties.
So Bobby, what you going to do with your life?
I'm going to be a prop comic.
I'm working on this bit where I stick a green bean up my nose.
- Well, now, that sounds promising.
- Hank, Bobby and me have decided.
He's going to stick vegetables up his nose.
He's not going to take over the family gas station.
Dad, I don't work at a gas station.
I sell propane and propane accessories.
Don't sass me, boy!
You ain't too big for me to give you a licking!
Aw, Dad, you old skunk.
- Come on, grease monkey! Let's tangle!
All right, Cotton. Now, you are breaking my good dishes.
It's time for you to leave.
Aw!
Come on, I will fix you a to-go plate.
Don't worry about the horse.
If it comes back, we'll call the rental place.
Darn. Won't start.
I guess I'm not going anywhere.
Oh, no, no, no.
Just pop the hood. Hank can fix it in a minute.
Hm. Don't bother, Uncle Hank.
I can't hear the solenoid plunger.
You're going to need a new one.
- Thanks a lot, girlie.
- But the truth is, you're a girl.
Hank, we'll have to wait
till your gas station opens up in the morning.
I guess I'm staying over.
I wish you could, but we are all out of beds.
I don't need a bed.
I can sleep in a drawer after what they did to me overseas.
I can sleep on the couch, mom.
That'll be just fine. I...
Excuse me for just a second.
I do not want that ill-mannered, foul-mouthed old man
to spend another moment in my house.
Aw, you just don't understand him, Peg.
See, he's a big flamboyant character
Like a peacock.
That's why men love him.
But women don't like his style
because you all are like the pea-hen
more subdued and drab.
You just cannot see your father for who he is.
Well, Bobby and I both want him to stay.
So that means you're outvoted.
Oh, yeah? Well, Luanne hates him, too.
That means we're even.
Well, Jesus loves him, so I win.
Well, what does that have to do with...
Hey, Dad, we'd love it if you stayed.
Well, all righty.
Didi, we're bunking here tonight.
- Mr. Kahn... My bags!
What do you say I drive you to school today, Bobby?
Hank, you fix my car yet?
I just woke up.
Just wo...
It's 7:00 a.m.!
If you were in the army, you could have dug ten graves by now.
- I hope you're all hungry.
Good-looking breakfast, Peg.
- Yeah, I see bacon, I see ham.
- I see steak...
- Sausage!
- Where's my sausage?
- There's no sausage!
Well, Cotton, you are welcome to march yourself down to the safeway.
- But I have to get ready for work.
See, Bobby?
Woman works, man loses his sausage.
You know, Cotton, I'd love to debate this with you.
But I am just a little too busy living here
in the latter half of the 20th century.
Hey, Dad, if you want to drive Bobby to school,
- use my truck.
I'll go rig up your pedal extenders.
You're all skin and bones, girlie.
- Put some corn pone on them hips.
Mm. I don't want any, Grandpa Hill.
Don't want to get fat.
That's not for you to worry about.
You will never know if you are attractive.
- It's up to a man to tell you that.
You keep eating,
- and I'll tell you when to stop.
Touch me again, and you'll be wearing that corn pone, old man.
Hooey! Feisty.
You sure it's okay for me to be out of school today, Grandpa?
Oh, yeah, it's a holiday, isn't it?
- It's Angie Dickinson's birthday.
Now, why don't you order us some food?
- Really?
Dad never lets me order.
Yeah, well, you ain't with your daddy today.
Go to it.
Excuse me, ma'am?
Uh... Ma'am?
Oh, good sweet!
You'll never get no service that way.
You got to get her in the money-maker.
Hey, missy, how about some sandwiches?
- Well, that's the dangest thing.
I never heard of a solenoid just disappearing before.
I don't know.
Sometimes things just disappear for no logical reason.
One day my cousin woke up,
his kidney was gone.
At the same time, 500 miles away.
A woman in phoenix contracted diabetes.
I fixed it, Uncle Hank.
Oh, she purrs just like a dang ol' kitten.
Yep, my dad sure knows how to take care of his cars.
When I was a baby, he had my mama make me a chamois jumpsuit.
And I used to crawl around on the hood.
And buff it till it shined like Christmas.
Your dad, I swear.
How about when he took us down
to the Hotel Arlen?
- Oh, yeah. - Remember that, Hank?
Hank, you won the big game.
So I'm buying you and your friends hookers.
Now go on, boy. Pick yourself out a live one.
Hey there, Mr. Quarterback.
Heh!
Not every dad would do something like that to his son.
I mean, for his son.
Well, how's it coming with the car, grease monkey?
That's real funny, Peg.
Look what I found.
Wait, that, that's a solenoid. Where did you find that?
In Cotton's room wrapped in his little bitty pants
under a big pile of lies.
Darn it, I killed a whole day fixing that car.
I don't understand.
Oh, Hank, what is to understand?
Your father disfigured his own automobile
just so he could stay here and drive me crazy.
Aw, Peggy, the poor guy just want to spend time with us.
And you've made it so hard for him, he's afraid to ask.
You're right. It's my fault.
Why, oh, why, didn't I serve that poor man his sausage?
What's the point in arguing?
The car is fixed now. He'll be out of here tonight.
Aunt Peg,
I found this timing belt in the laundry.
You want me to wash it with the darks?
Good morning, angels.
Do I have an assignment for you?
Good morning, Charlie.
Aw, darn!
It's a shelly hack.
That's like getting a shemp.
What in the heck is going on here?
Where are your pants?
We were hot. Took them off.
A man doesn't have to wear pants around the house if he doesn't want to.
Yeah, what you got them blue jeans on for, Hank?
Let's go. Take them off.
I don't want to take them off.
Bobby, take your daddy's pants off.
Okey-dokey, Cotton.
Hank fixed your car.
I guess you'll be wanting to head back right about now.
Peggy...
- Well, um...
Maybe we should think about getting back, huh, honey?
What did you say?
Okay, uh, now, what did you say, babycakes?
We can leave.
Hank fixed the car.
Actually, Luanne fixed it.
Oh, that's a good one, Hank's wife.
A woman fixing a car.
That's like a pig trying to read.
A pig?
Yeah.
Well, I guess you can go home now, Dad.
Nah, I don't think so.
We're going to stick around a few more days.
Supper time, colonel.
You forgot my beer.
- Go on, get me my beer, woman.
Mom, I'll take my dinner in here, too.
Bobby, you will not.
We eat our dinner in the kitchen.
Boy wants his dinner in here.
Well, we eat in the kitchen.
- Here. - Kitchen.
- Here! - Hank, for God's sake,
I need a little support here.
Well, Peggy, uh...
it might be nice for a change to have dinner in front of, uh... the TV.
Well, go on, woman, get me my dinner.
I don't know where you got the idea,
- you could slap your mother's behind.
I'll tell you where he got the idea, your father.
And it's all your fault for not nipping it in the bud.
What do you want me to do? I can't change my father.
Well, he certainly won't listen to me now, will he?
You're both men.
You're both peacocks, remember?
What are you, turning into some kind of feminist?
I am not a feminist, Hank.
I am Peggy Hill,
a citizen of the republic of Texas.
I work hard, I sweat hard, and I love hard.
And I got to smell good and look pretty while I'm doing it.
So I comb my hair.
I reapply lipstick 30 times a day.
I do your dishes, I wash your clothes, and I clean the house.
Not because I have to, Hank.
But because of a mutual unspoken agreement
that I have never brought up
because I am too much of a lady.
30 times a day?
- Yeah, I kind of like it here.
What kind of work can a guy get in this town?
- Uh, are you allergic to asbestos?
Heck, no.
Hey, Dad.
Hey, if it ain't the old grease monkey.
All right, Dad, I need to talk to you
about some of the things you've been telling Bobby.
I've been telling Bobby a lot of things.
For example, I told him how I lost my shins
defending our country.
You want to hear that story, fatty?
Sir, yes, sir.
Bill, I'm trying to talk to my...
I was 14, just a little older than Bobby.
But I knew uncle sam needed me
- so I lied and signed up.
- And we had beatthe nazis in Italy.
And they shipped us to the pacific theater.
- A tojo torpedo
- sent our troop ship to the bottom.
I could only savethree of my buddies...
- ...fatty, stinky, and Brooklyn.
They were kind of like you fellas only one was from Brooklyn.
- Out of the suncame a tojo zero
- and put 50 bullets in my back.
- The blood attracted sharks.
I had to give them fatty.
Oh! Then things took a turn for the worse.
I made it to an island,
but it was full of tojos.
- they were spitting on the U.S. Flag.
- So I rushed them.
- But it was a trap.
- They opened fire
- and blew my shins off.
- Last thing I remembered...
...I beat them all to death with a big piece of fatty.
I woke up in a field hospital,
and they were sewing my feet to my knees.
- Now, what was it
you wanted to talk to me about, Hank?
Oh... Uh, well...
Nothing, I guess.
Oh...
You've had enough cake, Connie.
What are you doing?
A man's got to tell a woman when to stop eating.
You're looking kind of chunky.
Hoo! She's moody.
Must be P.B.S.
Let's go. I got to see a man about a horse.
Bobby, don't forget to bus your tray.
Ah, that's woman's work.
Ain't that right, fellas?
Women's work.
Women's work!
Well, she's got a point.
But he's a war hero.
She's my wife.
But he's got no shins.
Uh, I'm just trying to get a little propane here.
- Strickland propane.
Bobby was sent home from school for starting a sexist riot today.
What? I'm coming home right now.
Well, you're just a little too late
because the devil took Bobby off to the Hotel Arlen.
Hotel Arlen?
I tell you, we have to do it.
Oh. You know, if I don't...
Bobby, I'm proud of you for what you did at school today.
- So I'm buying you a hooker.
Go ahead. Pick yourself out a live one.
A live one what?
- Hey, cutie, you got papers?
Bobby, get over here now.
But grandpa said I...
Bobby, you heard your mother.
- Get over there.
What are you saying, Hank?
Are you siding with your woman?
Look at me, son.
Look at my shins.
Look, Dad, I'm sorry about fatty and your shins,
but I'm not a kid anymore.
Bobby is my boy, and I won't let him grow up
- to be a woman-hating old fool.
No wonder Mom left you.
She was a strong lady,
classy and smart like Peg.
Maybe you couldn't handle that, but I can.
My marriage is a partnership of equals.
Peggy might do all the housework,
but there are a lot of other things that I'm supposed to do.
But I'm not going to say what they are because I'm a gentleman.
Oh, I get it.
- She's making you say this.
You're just her puppet.
No, Dad, I'm saying all this because I mean it.
Now, Didi's out in the car.
I had her pack up. It's time for you to head home.
Well... I never thought I'd see the day
when my own son would stop loving me.
It's about time!
Love's for sissies!
Ain't that right, you house full of hookers?
- Listen to that man.
All right, hookers, listen up.
I'll be back next year so don't be jacking up your prices.
- Oh. - I'll be staying over to Hank Hill's home.
Bobby, you got to try and forget
all that gobbledygook your grandpa told you.
- You listen to your mother.
She knows best.
But she's a woman. How can she know better than grandpa?
Well, because she's a lot smarter than him, for one.
Your mother's probably got a better head on her shoulders
than anybody in Arlen.
Better than Bill or Dale or Boomhauer?
Geez, Bobby, why not compare her to a baboon in the zoo?
But I thought they were your best friends.
Peggy's my best friend, son.
Mom?
That's right.
And when you're older, I hope you're lucky enough
to find a girl to be best friends with, too.
You think that'll really happen to me?
Well, it won't if you keep slapping them in the butt
and ordering them around.
You'll do okay.
You just have to remember one thing,
women were not put on this earth to serve you and me.
Now, what do you say we get an ice cream?