1
00:00:00,959 --> 00:00:03,920
(light music)
2
00:00:07,841 --> 00:00:09,342
(squirt)
3
00:00:12,762 --> 00:00:16,182
Hey, my dad's invitation
to the party got returned.
4
00:00:16,266 --> 00:00:19,978
"Grandpa Cotton Hill, heck USA"?
5
00:00:20,353 --> 00:00:21,938
Bobby, why did you write this?
6
00:00:22,022 --> 00:00:24,315
You know your grandpa lives in Houston.
7
00:00:24,399 --> 00:00:25,859
Mom says he's the devil.
8
00:00:25,859 --> 00:00:28,445
Peggy, how can you tell Bobby that?
9
00:00:28,445 --> 00:00:30,155
I said "Evil," Hank.
10
00:00:30,155 --> 00:00:32,365
How you get "Devil" from that
is beyond me.
11
00:00:32,449 --> 00:00:34,534
I don't want grandpa at my party.
12
00:00:34,784 --> 00:00:38,079
The kids will already hate me
'cause you got the wrong kind of bean dip.
13
00:00:38,371 --> 00:00:39,622
What's wrong with the bean dip?
14
00:00:39,706 --> 00:00:42,250
Wait a minute.
What's wrong with your grandpa?
15
00:00:42,250 --> 00:00:45,920
He's got big plastic teeth,
he screams all the time,
16
00:00:46,004 --> 00:00:47,589
his legs don't work...
17
00:00:47,589 --> 00:00:50,717
Bobby, never make fun
of your grandpa's legs.
18
00:00:51,092 --> 00:00:55,388
He lost his shins
defending Texas in World War II.
19
00:00:55,889 --> 00:00:57,724
Now, son, pick up that phone
20
00:00:57,724 --> 00:01:00,518
and invite your granddad
to your birthday party.
21
00:01:00,852 --> 00:01:01,936
Okay.
22
00:01:02,729 --> 00:01:04,689
-(clanks)
-(beeping)
23
00:01:04,773 --> 00:01:05,940
Hi, grandpa.
24
00:01:06,024 --> 00:01:06,941
(sighs)
25
00:01:07,025 --> 00:01:09,694
Bobby, if you're going to fake dial,
26
00:01:09,778 --> 00:01:11,988
you got to hit more than three numbers.
27
00:01:12,072 --> 00:01:15,200
(light music)
28
00:01:15,200 --> 00:01:18,036
(fast-paced light music)
29
00:01:42,811 --> 00:01:44,229
Whoo!
30
00:01:44,729 --> 00:01:47,107
This thing is a hoot!
31
00:01:47,941 --> 00:01:49,609
Whoa!
32
00:01:49,609 --> 00:01:50,902
-(thuds)
-(clatters)
33
00:01:51,319 --> 00:01:54,072
Ahh... I got a splinter here.
34
00:01:54,072 --> 00:01:57,158
{\an8}Orange you glad I didn't say banana?
35
00:01:57,826 --> 00:01:59,035
{\an8}Huh? Huh?
36
00:01:59,661 --> 00:02:01,579
{\an8}This party's boring.
37
00:02:01,871 --> 00:02:03,581
{\an8}Everybody hates you.
38
00:02:04,165 --> 00:02:06,209
{\an8}Why you so pissed off for, Peggy Hill?
39
00:02:06,209 --> 00:02:08,002
{\an8}Oh, nothing. Just Hank's father.
40
00:02:08,086 --> 00:02:11,506
{\an8}- He's driving in for the party.
- Oh, Lord. That crazy Cotton Hill?
41
00:02:11,506 --> 00:02:13,758
{\an8}I heard after Hank's mother left Cotton.
42
00:02:13,842 --> 00:02:15,760
{\an8}He married his 16-year-old nurse.
43
00:02:15,844 --> 00:02:17,804
{\an8}Didi is 39, thank you very much.
44
00:02:18,388 --> 00:02:20,348
{\an8}Although parts of her are much younger.
45
00:02:20,598 --> 00:02:21,975
{\an8}Ooh, Peggy Hill.
46
00:02:22,100 --> 00:02:23,893
{\an8}(snarling)
47
00:02:23,977 --> 00:02:26,980
{\an8}-(griller hisses)
- Dad, I'm dying out there.
48
00:02:26,980 --> 00:02:29,732
I blew up a balloon
with my nose... nothing.
49
00:02:30,233 --> 00:02:31,776
I did this thing.
50
00:02:32,360 --> 00:02:35,989
What are you talking about?
51
00:02:35,989 --> 00:02:37,115
Nothing.
52
00:02:37,115 --> 00:02:39,576
Did you try burping the alphabet?
53
00:02:39,576 --> 00:02:41,995
That's my closer, dad.
54
00:02:41,995 --> 00:02:43,997
(chuckles)
"What are you talking about?
55
00:02:43,997 --> 00:02:45,456
What are you talking about?"
56
00:02:45,707 --> 00:02:48,418
Tell you what, man.
Fat kid's always the funny one.
57
00:02:48,418 --> 00:02:50,128
John Candy, John Belushi.
58
00:02:50,128 --> 00:02:51,880
Knife and fork dug their graves.
59
00:02:51,880 --> 00:02:53,047
Who wants a burger?
60
00:02:53,131 --> 00:02:54,799
Well, I'll take that steak.
61
00:02:54,883 --> 00:02:56,176
The heck you say.
62
00:02:56,384 --> 00:02:57,844
Did you win World War II?
63
00:02:58,219 --> 00:02:59,804
This rib eye is for my daddy.
64
00:02:59,888 --> 00:03:02,056
Cotton's coming?
(chuckles)
65
00:03:02,140 --> 00:03:04,017
Whoa, if I was you, Kahn,
66
00:03:04,017 --> 00:03:06,060
I'd amscray before he gets here.
67
00:03:06,144 --> 00:03:09,522
Yeah, if he finds out
you're from Japan, you know.
68
00:03:09,606 --> 00:03:11,566
How many times I tell you, stupid?
69
00:03:12,066 --> 00:03:14,652
I'm Laotian!
70
00:03:15,403 --> 00:03:16,362
U...
71
00:03:16,654 --> 00:03:17,488
(burps)
72
00:03:17,572 --> 00:03:18,573
V...
73
00:03:18,573 --> 00:03:19,741
(car approaching)
74
00:03:19,741 --> 00:03:21,409
(car horn honking)
75
00:03:21,409 --> 00:03:23,661
-(horse whinnying)
-(bright music)
76
00:03:23,745 --> 00:03:25,538
Yah! Ya-hoo!
77
00:03:25,622 --> 00:03:27,332
Happy birthday, Bobby.
78
00:03:27,332 --> 00:03:29,751
Aw, Dad, you crazy son of a gun.
79
00:03:29,751 --> 00:03:32,045
You really outdid yourself this time.
80
00:03:32,045 --> 00:03:34,422
Well, you know me, I'm larger than life.
81
00:03:34,422 --> 00:03:37,550
(upbeat music)
82
00:03:38,927 --> 00:03:40,678
Where are his legs?
83
00:03:40,762 --> 00:03:42,096
What are you looking at, moe?
84
00:03:42,472 --> 00:03:46,059
A Japanese machine gun
blew my shins off in WW II.
85
00:03:46,392 --> 00:03:47,268
So what?
86
00:03:47,769 --> 00:03:48,978
You like that horse, Bobby?
87
00:03:49,062 --> 00:03:50,521
I love it, grandpa.
88
00:03:50,605 --> 00:03:53,024
Well, you can love it for four more hours.
89
00:03:53,024 --> 00:03:54,150
It's a rental.
90
00:03:54,234 --> 00:03:56,194
All right, who wants the first ride?
91
00:03:56,194 --> 00:03:57,153
KIDS: Me!
92
00:03:58,738 --> 00:03:59,989
(neighs)
93
00:04:00,073 --> 00:04:01,491
Hey, Hank's wife.
94
00:04:01,491 --> 00:04:03,201
How long have you been here, Cotton?
95
00:04:03,326 --> 00:04:04,452
I didn't notice you sneak...
96
00:04:04,452 --> 00:04:07,121
Didi, come on out here
and gab with Hank's wife.
97
00:04:07,205 --> 00:04:08,456
Lookie here, Hank.
98
00:04:08,456 --> 00:04:11,167
What you think of your mama's new tatas?
99
00:04:11,251 --> 00:04:13,461
(gasps)
She is not my mother.
100
00:04:13,461 --> 00:04:15,380
Heck, we went to kindergarten together.
101
00:04:15,797 --> 00:04:19,842
Hey, Hank, do you still
like finger-painting?
102
00:04:19,926 --> 00:04:23,471
- Everyone thinks your party's cool, Bobby.
-(horse neighs)
103
00:04:23,471 --> 00:04:25,848
I'm having fun.
(munches)
104
00:04:25,932 --> 00:04:27,517
Your wife divorced you.
105
00:04:29,894 --> 00:04:30,895
(clinks)
106
00:04:30,979 --> 00:04:33,731
(chattering)
107
00:04:33,815 --> 00:04:35,149
COTTON: Mr. Kahn,
108
00:04:35,233 --> 00:04:36,651
I'll have a mai tai.
109
00:04:36,901 --> 00:04:38,236
What, what you think?
110
00:04:38,569 --> 00:04:39,696
I work for Hank?
111
00:04:39,696 --> 00:04:42,407
Uh, Dad, this here's my new neighbor.
112
00:04:42,407 --> 00:04:44,200
He's Japanese.
113
00:04:44,284 --> 00:04:45,576
No, he ain't.
114
00:04:47,495 --> 00:04:48,705
He's Laotian.
115
00:04:49,163 --> 00:04:50,748
Ain't you, Mr. Kahn?
116
00:04:50,832 --> 00:04:53,251
-(chattering in distance)
-(birds chirping)
117
00:04:53,251 --> 00:04:56,337
All right, time to open my gift.
118
00:04:56,421 --> 00:04:57,672
-(thuds)
-(rustles)
119
00:04:57,672 --> 00:04:58,923
(gasps)
Whoa.
120
00:04:59,007 --> 00:05:00,717
- A super squirter.
-(kids gasp)
121
00:05:00,717 --> 00:05:02,760
- Oh-ho! Super squirter.
-(clinks)
122
00:05:02,844 --> 00:05:05,221
Ain't no water toy, Mr. Kahn.
123
00:05:05,305 --> 00:05:08,641
It's a genuine winchester
20-gauge shotgun.
124
00:05:08,725 --> 00:05:10,643
You got a real gun.
125
00:05:10,727 --> 00:05:12,854
Nope, and now Peggy Hill has a real gun.
126
00:05:12,854 --> 00:05:15,148
Bobby, you are too young
to own a firearm, honey.
127
00:05:15,148 --> 00:05:16,733
Did you see that, Hank?
128
00:05:16,733 --> 00:05:19,027
Tell your woman to give him back his gun.
129
00:05:19,527 --> 00:05:20,445
His woman?
130
00:05:20,445 --> 00:05:22,905
(chuckles)
Oh, Cotton, I am my own woman
131
00:05:22,989 --> 00:05:24,032
And don't you forget it.
132
00:05:24,032 --> 00:05:27,452
Oh, Peg, that's just cowboy talk, come on.
133
00:05:27,452 --> 00:05:30,121
Hey, let's go bust open that pinata.
134
00:05:30,121 --> 00:05:32,582
COTTON: Kill it, boy! Bash it!
135
00:05:32,582 --> 00:05:34,292
- That's right, honey.
-(indistinct chatter)
136
00:05:34,292 --> 00:05:36,419
Hank, the boy can barely reach it.
137
00:05:36,419 --> 00:05:39,797
Now, lower the pinata
so he has a chance at it. Come on.
138
00:05:40,298 --> 00:05:42,842
(crowd cheering)
139
00:05:42,842 --> 00:05:44,260
COTTON: Oh! Crack it!
140
00:05:44,344 --> 00:05:45,970
- Nail it!
-(grunting)
141
00:05:46,054 --> 00:05:47,180
Oo! Bash it!
142
00:05:47,180 --> 00:05:48,181
Bash it!
143
00:05:48,181 --> 00:05:51,267
(light music)
144
00:05:51,351 --> 00:05:53,394
(saw buzzing)
145
00:05:53,478 --> 00:05:55,897
- COTTON: Kill it, boy!
-(grunts)
146
00:05:56,647 --> 00:05:59,233
It must be made
of kryptonite or something.
147
00:05:59,317 --> 00:06:01,152
Aw, for crying out loud!
148
00:06:01,152 --> 00:06:03,321
-(gun fires)
- Good lord, Cotton.
149
00:06:03,321 --> 00:06:05,198
You gave him a loaded shotgun?
150
00:06:05,198 --> 00:06:08,534
Well, you don't give a toy
without batteries.
151
00:06:08,618 --> 00:06:10,995
-(clanks)
- Come and get your tootsie rolls!
152
00:06:11,079 --> 00:06:12,955
- I am so sorry.
-(squeaking)
153
00:06:13,039 --> 00:06:15,041
Your grandpa ruined your birthday, son.
154
00:06:15,041 --> 00:06:17,335
He didn't ruin it. He made it fun.
155
00:06:17,710 --> 00:06:19,921
COTTON: Bobby, come on over here, boy.
156
00:06:20,421 --> 00:06:21,672
(footsteps)
157
00:06:21,756 --> 00:06:23,383
Take off them pink gloves.
158
00:06:23,383 --> 00:06:24,717
That's women's work.
159
00:06:24,801 --> 00:06:25,802
Leave him alone.
160
00:06:25,802 --> 00:06:27,136
He's a good helper.
161
00:06:27,220 --> 00:06:29,639
Oh, whatever you say, hillary.
162
00:06:29,639 --> 00:06:31,224
-(grunts)
-(plops)
163
00:06:31,891 --> 00:06:33,935
Cotton, I'll do the dishes.
164
00:06:34,143 --> 00:06:35,061
I like to.
165
00:06:35,061 --> 00:06:36,604
Permission granted.
166
00:06:36,604 --> 00:06:39,148
Put an apron over your new bosom, too.
167
00:06:39,774 --> 00:06:41,567
Don't tell her, but I got them cheap.
168
00:06:41,651 --> 00:06:42,485
Both lefties.
169
00:06:43,194 --> 00:06:45,613
So Bobby, what you going
to do with your life?
170
00:06:45,613 --> 00:06:47,365
I'm going to be a prop comic.
171
00:06:47,365 --> 00:06:51,411
I'm working on this bit
where I stick a green bean up my nose.
172
00:06:51,411 --> 00:06:53,413
- Well, now, that sounds promising.
-(rustles)
173
00:06:53,413 --> 00:06:55,790
-(thuds)
- Hank, Bobby and me have decided.
174
00:06:55,790 --> 00:06:57,792
He's going to stick
vegetables up his nose.
175
00:06:58,251 --> 00:07:00,211
He's not going to take over
the family gas station.
176
00:07:00,545 --> 00:07:02,964
Dad, I don't work at a gas station.
177
00:07:02,964 --> 00:07:05,508
I sell propane and propane accessories.
178
00:07:05,508 --> 00:07:06,843
Don't sass me, boy!
179
00:07:06,843 --> 00:07:09,178
You ain't too big for me
to give you a licking!
180
00:07:09,262 --> 00:07:11,556
(chuckles)
Aw, Dad, you old skunk.
181
00:07:11,556 --> 00:07:14,517
-(shatters)
- Come on, grease monkey! Let's tangle!
182
00:07:14,642 --> 00:07:15,810
-(chuckles)
-(grunting)
183
00:07:15,810 --> 00:07:18,354
All right, Cotton.
Now, you are breaking my good dishes.
184
00:07:18,438 --> 00:07:19,564
It's time for you to leave.
185
00:07:19,564 --> 00:07:21,023
ALL: Aw!
186
00:07:21,107 --> 00:07:22,984
PEGGY: Come on,
I will fix you a to-go plate.
187
00:07:22,984 --> 00:07:24,652
(light music)
188
00:07:24,652 --> 00:07:26,237
Don't worry about the horse.
189
00:07:26,237 --> 00:07:28,239
If it comes back,
we'll call the rental place.
190
00:07:28,739 --> 00:07:31,909
(engine sputters)
191
00:07:31,993 --> 00:07:33,369
Darn. Won't start.
192
00:07:33,744 --> 00:07:35,204
I guess I'm not going anywhere.
193
00:07:35,288 --> 00:07:36,372
Oh, no, no, no.
194
00:07:36,456 --> 00:07:38,749
Just pop the hood.
Hank can fix it in a minute.
195
00:07:38,833 --> 00:07:40,334
Hm. Don't bother, Uncle Hank.
196
00:07:40,418 --> 00:07:42,545
I can't hear the solenoid plunger.
197
00:07:42,545 --> 00:07:44,088
You're going to need a new one.
198
00:07:44,172 --> 00:07:45,506
-(thuds)
- Thanks a lot, girlie.
199
00:07:45,798 --> 00:07:48,426
- But the truth is, you're a girl.
-(birds chirping)
200
00:07:48,426 --> 00:07:50,011
Hank, we'll have to wait
201
00:07:50,011 --> 00:07:51,846
till your gas station opens up
in the morning.
202
00:07:51,846 --> 00:07:52,930
I guess I'm staying over.
203
00:07:53,014 --> 00:07:55,183
I wish you could,
but we are all out of beds.
204
00:07:55,183 --> 00:07:56,392
I don't need a bed.
205
00:07:57,185 --> 00:08:00,855
I can sleep in a drawer
after what they did to me overseas.
206
00:08:01,355 --> 00:08:03,316
I can sleep on the couch, mom.
207
00:08:03,316 --> 00:08:04,984
That'll be just fine. I...
208
00:08:04,984 --> 00:08:06,360
Excuse me for just a second.
209
00:08:06,444 --> 00:08:09,447
I do not want that ill-mannered,
foul-mouthed old man
210
00:08:09,447 --> 00:08:11,115
to spend another moment in my house.
211
00:08:11,199 --> 00:08:13,618
Aw, you just don't understand him, Peg.
212
00:08:13,618 --> 00:08:16,287
See, he's a big flamboyant character
213
00:08:16,287 --> 00:08:17,580
Like a peacock.
214
00:08:17,705 --> 00:08:19,165
That's why men love him.
215
00:08:19,290 --> 00:08:20,958
But women don't like his style
216
00:08:21,042 --> 00:08:23,628
because you all are like the pea-hen
217
00:08:23,628 --> 00:08:25,796
more subdued and drab.
218
00:08:26,881 --> 00:08:30,134
You just cannot see your father
for who he is.
219
00:08:30,218 --> 00:08:32,428
Well, Bobby and I both want him to stay.
220
00:08:32,803 --> 00:08:34,305
So that means you're outvoted.
221
00:08:34,305 --> 00:08:36,599
Oh, yeah? Well, Luanne hates him, too.
222
00:08:36,599 --> 00:08:37,558
That means we're even.
223
00:08:38,059 --> 00:08:40,561
Well, Jesus loves him, so I win.
224
00:08:40,645 --> 00:08:42,480
(scoffs)
Well, what does that have to do with...
225
00:08:42,480 --> 00:08:44,440
Hey, Dad, we'd love it if you stayed.
226
00:08:44,524 --> 00:08:45,733
Well, all righty.
227
00:08:46,108 --> 00:08:48,152
Didi, we're bunking here tonight.
228
00:08:48,236 --> 00:08:49,237
(light music)
229
00:08:49,237 --> 00:08:50,196
(Peggy scoffs)
230
00:08:50,196 --> 00:08:52,573
- Mr. Kahn... My bags!
-(claps)
231
00:08:52,657 --> 00:08:54,700
-(water trickles)
-(light music)
232
00:08:55,660 --> 00:08:57,036
(hisses)
233
00:08:57,036 --> 00:08:59,622
What do you say I drive you
to school today, Bobby?
234
00:08:59,622 --> 00:09:01,791
Hank, you fix my car yet?
235
00:09:01,791 --> 00:09:03,251
I just woke up.
236
00:09:03,251 --> 00:09:04,168
Just wo...
237
00:09:04,252 --> 00:09:05,628
It's 7:00 a.m.!
238
00:09:05,628 --> 00:09:08,798
If you were in the army,
you could have dug ten graves by now.
239
00:09:08,798 --> 00:09:10,633
- PEGGY: I hope you're all hungry.
-(clanks)
240
00:09:10,633 --> 00:09:12,468
Good-looking breakfast, Peg.
241
00:09:12,552 --> 00:09:15,763
- Yeah, I see bacon, I see ham.
-(thudding)
242
00:09:16,138 --> 00:09:17,431
- I see steak...
-(thuds)
243
00:09:17,515 --> 00:09:18,641
- Sausage!
-(thuds)
244
00:09:18,641 --> 00:09:19,809
- Where's my sausage?
-(thuds)
245
00:09:19,809 --> 00:09:21,227
- There's no sausage!
-(thuds)
246
00:09:21,227 --> 00:09:25,731
Well, Cotton, you are welcome
to march yourself down to the safeway.
247
00:09:25,815 --> 00:09:27,650
- But I have to get ready for work.
-(footsteps)
248
00:09:28,401 --> 00:09:29,318
See, Bobby?
249
00:09:29,402 --> 00:09:32,154
Woman works, man loses his sausage.
250
00:09:32,238 --> 00:09:33,155
(scoffs)
251
00:09:33,239 --> 00:09:34,949
You know, Cotton,
I'd love to debate this with you.
252
00:09:34,949 --> 00:09:37,118
But I am just
a little too busy living here
253
00:09:37,118 --> 00:09:38,744
in the latter half of the 20th century.
254
00:09:39,745 --> 00:09:42,123
Hey, Dad, if you want
to drive Bobby to school,
255
00:09:42,123 --> 00:09:43,374
- use my truck.
-(keys clinks)
256
00:09:43,374 --> 00:09:45,293
I'll go rig up your pedal extenders.
257
00:09:45,293 --> 00:09:46,669
-(footsteps)
-(clinks)
258
00:09:46,669 --> 00:09:49,130
You're all skin and bones, girlie.
259
00:09:49,130 --> 00:09:51,424
- Put some corn pone on them hips.
-(clinking)
260
00:09:51,424 --> 00:09:53,509
Mm. I don't want any, Grandpa Hill.
261
00:09:53,593 --> 00:09:55,011
Don't want to get fat.
(chuckles)
262
00:09:55,011 --> 00:09:56,679
That's not for you to worry about.
263
00:09:56,679 --> 00:09:59,223
You will never know if you are attractive.
264
00:09:59,307 --> 00:10:01,350
- It's up to a man to tell you that.
-(thuds)
265
00:10:01,434 --> 00:10:02,643
You keep eating,
266
00:10:02,727 --> 00:10:04,520
- and I'll tell you when to stop.
-(thumps)
267
00:10:04,604 --> 00:10:07,356
Touch me again, and you'll be
wearing that corn pone, old man.
268
00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:10,067
Hooey! Feisty.
269
00:10:10,151 --> 00:10:13,404
-(soft music)
-(slurps)
270
00:10:13,404 --> 00:10:17,116
You sure it's okay for me
to be out of school today, Grandpa?
271
00:10:17,116 --> 00:10:19,243
Oh, yeah, it's a holiday, isn't it?
272
00:10:19,493 --> 00:10:21,454
- It's Angie Dickinson's birthday.
-(thuds)
273
00:10:21,829 --> 00:10:23,998
Now, why don't you order us some food?
274
00:10:23,998 --> 00:10:24,957
- Really?
-(thuds)
275
00:10:25,416 --> 00:10:27,084
Dad never lets me order.
276
00:10:27,168 --> 00:10:29,086
Yeah, well, you ain't
with your daddy today.
277
00:10:29,170 --> 00:10:30,087
Go to it.
278
00:10:30,171 --> 00:10:31,464
-(thuds)
-(clinks)
279
00:10:31,464 --> 00:10:32,923
-(rustling)
-(clears throat)
280
00:10:33,049 --> 00:10:34,050
Excuse me, ma'am?
281
00:10:34,634 --> 00:10:36,344
Uh... Ma'am?
282
00:10:36,344 --> 00:10:37,803
Oh, good sweet!
283
00:10:38,346 --> 00:10:40,348
You'll never get no service that way.
284
00:10:40,348 --> 00:10:42,099
You got to get her in the money-maker.
285
00:10:43,017 --> 00:10:43,893
(gasps)
286
00:10:43,893 --> 00:10:47,021
Hey, missy, how about some sandwiches?
287
00:10:47,021 --> 00:10:48,356
(grunts)
288
00:10:48,356 --> 00:10:51,233
(both laughing)
289
00:10:51,317 --> 00:10:53,861
-(birds chirping)
- HANK: Well, that's the dangest thing.
290
00:10:53,861 --> 00:10:57,448
I never heard of a solenoid
just disappearing before.
291
00:10:57,740 --> 00:10:58,783
I don't know.
292
00:10:58,783 --> 00:11:02,328
Sometimes things just disappear
for no logical reason.
293
00:11:02,328 --> 00:11:04,288
One day my cousin woke up,
294
00:11:04,372 --> 00:11:05,790
his kidney was gone.
295
00:11:06,290 --> 00:11:10,169
At the same time, 500 miles away.
296
00:11:10,544 --> 00:11:13,631
A woman in phoenix contracted diabetes.
297
00:11:13,631 --> 00:11:15,675
(sighs)
I fixed it, Uncle Hank.
298
00:11:15,675 --> 00:11:17,301
-(birds chirping)
-(whirring)
299
00:11:17,385 --> 00:11:19,345
-(footsteps)
-(engine starts)
300
00:11:19,345 --> 00:11:22,515
Oh, she purrs just like a dang ol' kitten.
301
00:11:22,515 --> 00:11:25,851
Yep, my dad sure knows
how to take care of his cars.
302
00:11:25,935 --> 00:11:30,564
When I was a baby,
he had my mama make me a chamois jumpsuit.
303
00:11:30,648 --> 00:11:32,483
And I used to crawl around on the hood.
304
00:11:32,483 --> 00:11:34,860
And buff it till it shined like Christmas.
305
00:11:34,944 --> 00:11:37,154
Your dad, I swear.
306
00:11:37,238 --> 00:11:39,031
How about when he took us down
307
00:11:39,115 --> 00:11:41,075
to the Hotel Arlen?
(chuckles)
308
00:11:41,075 --> 00:11:43,411
- Oh, yeah.
- Remember that, Hank?
309
00:11:43,411 --> 00:11:44,995
(light music)
310
00:11:45,079 --> 00:11:47,873
(men cheering)
311
00:11:47,957 --> 00:11:50,167
Hank, you won the big game.
312
00:11:50,626 --> 00:11:54,463
So I'm buying you
and your friends hookers.
313
00:11:54,547 --> 00:11:56,966
Now go on, boy.
Pick yourself out a live one.
314
00:11:56,966 --> 00:11:58,926
Hey there, Mr. Quarterback.
315
00:11:58,926 --> 00:12:00,761
-(gasps)
-(footsteps)
316
00:12:00,845 --> 00:12:01,762
Heh!
317
00:12:02,138 --> 00:12:05,224
Not every dad would do something
like that to his son.
318
00:12:05,224 --> 00:12:07,184
I mean, for his son.
319
00:12:07,268 --> 00:12:08,811
-(fridge door closes)
-(footsteps)
320
00:12:08,811 --> 00:12:10,146
-(hisses)
-(slurps)
321
00:12:10,146 --> 00:12:12,148
Well, how's it coming
with the car, grease monkey?
322
00:12:12,148 --> 00:12:13,899
That's real funny, Peg.
323
00:12:14,233 --> 00:12:15,401
Look what I found.
324
00:12:15,693 --> 00:12:18,696
Wait, that, that's a solenoid.
Where did you find that?
325
00:12:18,696 --> 00:12:21,866
In Cotton's room
wrapped in his little bitty pants
326
00:12:21,866 --> 00:12:23,534
under a big pile of lies.
327
00:12:23,534 --> 00:12:26,704
Darn it, I killed a whole day
fixing that car.
328
00:12:26,704 --> 00:12:27,997
I don't understand.
329
00:12:27,997 --> 00:12:29,915
Oh, Hank, what is to understand?
330
00:12:29,999 --> 00:12:32,168
Your father disfigured his own automobile
331
00:12:32,168 --> 00:12:34,920
just so he could stay here
and drive me crazy.
332
00:12:35,004 --> 00:12:38,549
Aw, Peggy, the poor guy
just want to spend time with us.
333
00:12:38,758 --> 00:12:42,011
And you've made it so hard for him,
he's afraid to ask.
334
00:12:42,011 --> 00:12:43,679
You're right. It's my fault.
335
00:12:43,763 --> 00:12:46,640
Why, oh, why, didn't I serve
that poor man his sausage?
336
00:12:47,141 --> 00:12:48,517
What's the point in arguing?
337
00:12:48,601 --> 00:12:51,687
The car is fixed now.
He'll be out of here tonight.
338
00:12:52,021 --> 00:12:53,105
Aunt Peg,
339
00:12:53,189 --> 00:12:55,524
I found this timing belt in the laundry.
340
00:12:55,608 --> 00:12:57,359
You want me to wash it with the darks?
341
00:12:58,611 --> 00:13:00,112
CHARLIE (on TV): Good morning, angels.
342
00:13:00,321 --> 00:13:02,281
Do I have an assignment for you?
343
00:13:02,698 --> 00:13:04,074
ANGELS: Good morning, Charlie.
344
00:13:04,158 --> 00:13:05,701
Aw, darn!
345
00:13:06,202 --> 00:13:07,661
It's a shelly hack.
346
00:13:07,995 --> 00:13:09,663
That's like getting a shemp.
347
00:13:10,164 --> 00:13:12,082
What in the heck is going on here?
348
00:13:12,166 --> 00:13:13,751
Where are your pants?
349
00:13:14,001 --> 00:13:15,753
We were hot. Took them off.
350
00:13:15,753 --> 00:13:19,381
A man doesn't have to wear pants
around the house if he doesn't want to.
351
00:13:19,507 --> 00:13:21,675
Yeah, what you got them
blue jeans on for, Hank?
352
00:13:22,009 --> 00:13:23,344
Let's go. Take them off.
353
00:13:23,344 --> 00:13:24,929
I don't want to take them off.
354
00:13:24,929 --> 00:13:27,723
Bobby, take your daddy's pants off.
355
00:13:27,807 --> 00:13:29,266
PEGGY: Okey-dokey, Cotton.
356
00:13:29,350 --> 00:13:30,434
Hank fixed your car.
357
00:13:30,559 --> 00:13:32,770
I guess you'll be wanting to head
back right about now.
358
00:13:32,770 --> 00:13:34,063
HANK: Peggy...
359
00:13:34,063 --> 00:13:36,106
-(somber music)
- Well, um...
360
00:13:36,190 --> 00:13:38,609
Maybe we should think about
getting back, huh, honey?
361
00:13:38,609 --> 00:13:41,445
What did you say?
362
00:13:41,529 --> 00:13:43,072
(fast-paced light music)
363
00:13:43,072 --> 00:13:44,240
-(pops)
-(squeaks)
364
00:13:44,240 --> 00:13:47,034
Okay, uh, now,
what did you say, babycakes?
365
00:13:47,034 --> 00:13:48,369
(yells)
We can leave.
366
00:13:48,786 --> 00:13:50,454
Hank fixed the car.
367
00:13:50,538 --> 00:13:52,331
Actually, Luanne fixed it.
368
00:13:52,331 --> 00:13:55,334
(chuckling)
369
00:13:55,334 --> 00:13:57,837
Oh, that's a good one, Hank's wife.
370
00:13:57,837 --> 00:13:59,797
A woman fixing a car.
371
00:13:59,922 --> 00:14:02,049
That's like a pig trying to read.
372
00:14:02,049 --> 00:14:03,175
A pig?
373
00:14:03,259 --> 00:14:05,094
Yeah.
(chuckles)
374
00:14:05,094 --> 00:14:08,097
Well, I guess you can go home now, Dad.
375
00:14:08,097 --> 00:14:09,765
Nah, I don't think so.
376
00:14:10,182 --> 00:14:12,351
We're going to stick around
a few more days.
377
00:14:12,893 --> 00:14:14,311
Supper time, colonel.
378
00:14:14,395 --> 00:14:15,646
-(footsteps)
-(clinks)
379
00:14:15,646 --> 00:14:17,481
You forgot my beer.
380
00:14:18,065 --> 00:14:20,943
- Go on, get me my beer, woman.
-(thumps)
381
00:14:20,943 --> 00:14:24,280
Mom, I'll take my dinner in here, too.
382
00:14:24,280 --> 00:14:25,406
Bobby, you will not.
383
00:14:25,406 --> 00:14:27,116
We eat our dinner in the kitchen.
384
00:14:27,116 --> 00:14:28,742
Boy wants his dinner in here.
385
00:14:28,826 --> 00:14:31,203
Well, we eat in the kitchen.
386
00:14:31,287 --> 00:14:32,162
- Here.
- Kitchen.
387
00:14:32,246 --> 00:14:33,122
- Here.
- Kitchen.
388
00:14:33,122 --> 00:14:34,540
- Here!
- Hank, for God's sake,
389
00:14:34,540 --> 00:14:35,791
I need a little support here.
390
00:14:35,875 --> 00:14:38,043
(clears throat)
Well, Peggy, uh...
391
00:14:38,711 --> 00:14:44,216
it might be nice for a change
to have dinner in front of, uh... the TV.
392
00:14:44,300 --> 00:14:47,136
Well, go on, woman, get me my dinner.
393
00:14:47,136 --> 00:14:48,262
-(thumps)
-(gasps)
394
00:14:50,222 --> 00:14:51,891
I don't know where you got the idea,
395
00:14:51,891 --> 00:14:54,435
- you could slap your mother's behind.
-(door closes)
396
00:14:55,019 --> 00:14:58,063
I'll tell you where he got
the idea, your father.
397
00:14:58,147 --> 00:15:00,649
And it's all your fault
for not nipping it in the bud.
398
00:15:00,733 --> 00:15:03,277
What do you want me to do?
I can't change my father.
399
00:15:03,277 --> 00:15:05,613
Well, he certainly won't listen
to me now, will he?
400
00:15:05,988 --> 00:15:06,947
You're both men.
401
00:15:07,031 --> 00:15:08,949
You're both peacocks, remember?
402
00:15:09,033 --> 00:15:11,493
What are you, turning
into some kind of feminist?
403
00:15:11,577 --> 00:15:13,787
I am not a feminist, Hank.
404
00:15:14,038 --> 00:15:15,372
I am Peggy Hill,
405
00:15:15,456 --> 00:15:17,750
a citizen of the republic of Texas.
406
00:15:18,125 --> 00:15:21,045
I work hard, I sweat hard,
and I love hard.
407
00:15:21,045 --> 00:15:23,756
And I got to smell good and look pretty
while I'm doing it.
408
00:15:23,756 --> 00:15:25,215
So I comb my hair.
409
00:15:25,299 --> 00:15:27,468
I reapply lipstick 30 times a day.
410
00:15:27,468 --> 00:15:30,971
I do your dishes, I wash your clothes,
and I clean the house.
411
00:15:31,055 --> 00:15:32,681
Not because I have to, Hank.
412
00:15:32,765 --> 00:15:35,017
But because of a mutual unspoken agreement
413
00:15:35,017 --> 00:15:36,393
that I have never brought up
414
00:15:36,477 --> 00:15:38,312
because I am too much of a lady.
415
00:15:39,396 --> 00:15:40,940
30 times a day?
416
00:15:42,191 --> 00:15:43,776
- Yeah, I kind of like it here.
-(slurps)
417
00:15:43,776 --> 00:15:46,070
What kind of work can
a guy get in this town?
418
00:15:46,070 --> 00:15:49,156
- Uh, are you allergic to asbestos?
-(birds chirping)
419
00:15:49,156 --> 00:15:50,199
Heck, no.
420
00:15:50,199 --> 00:15:51,200
HANK: Hey, Dad.
421
00:15:51,200 --> 00:15:53,035
Hey, if it ain't the old grease monkey.
422
00:15:53,035 --> 00:15:55,996
(sighs)
All right, Dad, I need to talk to you
423
00:15:56,080 --> 00:15:58,582
about some of the things
you've been telling Bobby.
424
00:15:58,666 --> 00:16:00,459
I've been telling Bobby a lot of things.
425
00:16:00,459 --> 00:16:03,462
For example, I told him
how I lost my shins
426
00:16:03,462 --> 00:16:04,713
defending our country.
427
00:16:04,797 --> 00:16:06,215
You want to hear that story, fatty?
428
00:16:06,215 --> 00:16:07,466
Sir, yes, sir.
429
00:16:07,466 --> 00:16:09,218
Bill, I'm trying to talk to my...
430
00:16:09,218 --> 00:16:12,012
I was 14, just a little older than Bobby.
431
00:16:12,096 --> 00:16:14,390
But I knew uncle sam needed me
432
00:16:14,390 --> 00:16:17,017
- so I lied and signed up.
-(light music)
433
00:16:17,101 --> 00:16:17,977
(explosion)
434
00:16:17,977 --> 00:16:20,020
- And we had beatthe nazis in Italy.
-(explosion)
435
00:16:20,104 --> 00:16:22,481
And they shipped us
to the pacific theater.
436
00:16:22,481 --> 00:16:24,358
-(splashes)
- A tojo torpedo
437
00:16:24,358 --> 00:16:26,026
- sent our troop ship to the bottom.
-(explodes)
438
00:16:26,777 --> 00:16:29,321
I could only savethree of my buddies...
439
00:16:29,405 --> 00:16:32,282
-(water trickles)
- ...fatty, stinky, and Brooklyn.
440
00:16:32,366 --> 00:16:35,452
They were kind of like you fellas
only one was from Brooklyn.
441
00:16:35,536 --> 00:16:38,288
-(light music)
- Out of the suncame a tojo zero
442
00:16:38,539 --> 00:16:40,499
- and put 50 bullets in my back.
-(whirring)
443
00:16:40,916 --> 00:16:43,085
- The blood attracted sharks.
-(water trickles, splashes)
444
00:16:43,085 --> 00:16:44,461
I had to give them fatty.
445
00:16:45,754 --> 00:16:48,590
Oh! Then things took a turn for the worse.
446
00:16:48,674 --> 00:16:49,758
I made it to an island,
447
00:16:49,842 --> 00:16:52,428
but it was full of tojos.
448
00:16:52,720 --> 00:16:54,930
- they were spitting on the U.S. Flag.
-(spits)
449
00:16:55,014 --> 00:16:56,765
- So I rushed them.
-(footsteps)
450
00:16:56,849 --> 00:16:58,058
- But it was a trap.
-(thuds)
451
00:16:58,142 --> 00:16:59,393
-(gunfires)
- They opened fire
452
00:16:59,393 --> 00:17:02,229
- and blew my shins off.
-(grunting)
453
00:17:02,229 --> 00:17:04,064
- Last thing I remembered...
-(somber music)
454
00:17:04,148 --> 00:17:07,609
...I beat them all to death
with a big piece of fatty.
455
00:17:07,943 --> 00:17:09,778
I woke up in a field hospital,
456
00:17:10,154 --> 00:17:12,781
and they were sewing my feet to my knees.
457
00:17:13,782 --> 00:17:15,993
-(birds chirping)
- Now, what was it
458
00:17:15,993 --> 00:17:18,120
you wanted to talk to me about, Hank?
459
00:17:18,620 --> 00:17:21,165
(sighs)
Oh... Uh, well...
460
00:17:21,915 --> 00:17:23,042
Nothing, I guess.
461
00:17:23,709 --> 00:17:24,960
Oh...
462
00:17:25,044 --> 00:17:26,378
(birds chirping)
463
00:17:26,462 --> 00:17:29,131
(indistinct chattering)
464
00:17:29,131 --> 00:17:31,592
You've had enough cake, Connie.
465
00:17:31,967 --> 00:17:33,218
What are you doing?
466
00:17:33,302 --> 00:17:36,263
A man's got to tell a woman
when to stop eating.
467
00:17:36,597 --> 00:17:38,307
You're looking kind of chunky.
468
00:17:39,016 --> 00:17:40,809
Hoo! She's moody.
469
00:17:40,976 --> 00:17:42,394
Must be P.B.S.
470
00:17:43,979 --> 00:17:45,105
(munches)
471
00:17:45,189 --> 00:17:48,150
Let's go.
I got to see a man about a horse.
472
00:17:49,151 --> 00:17:50,944
Bobby, don't forget to bus your tray.
473
00:17:51,445 --> 00:17:53,280
Ah, that's woman's work.
474
00:17:53,572 --> 00:17:55,199
Ain't that right, fellas?
475
00:17:55,199 --> 00:17:56,992
Women's work.
476
00:17:57,409 --> 00:18:00,162
Women's work!
477
00:18:00,162 --> 00:18:01,622
ALL (chanting): Women's work!
478
00:18:01,622 --> 00:18:02,956
Women's work!
479
00:18:03,040 --> 00:18:06,835
Women's work!
480
00:18:06,919 --> 00:18:08,670
(birds chirping)
481
00:18:08,754 --> 00:18:10,422
Well, she's got a point.
482
00:18:10,923 --> 00:18:12,633
But he's a war hero.
483
00:18:13,675 --> 00:18:14,760
She's my wife.
484
00:18:15,469 --> 00:18:17,346
But he's got no shins.
485
00:18:18,055 --> 00:18:21,350
Uh, I'm just trying
to get a little propane here.
486
00:18:21,350 --> 00:18:22,684
(telephone rings)
487
00:18:22,768 --> 00:18:24,728
-(clanks)
- Strickland propane.
488
00:18:24,812 --> 00:18:28,107
Bobby was sent home from school
for starting a sexist riot today.
489
00:18:28,107 --> 00:18:30,609
What? I'm coming home right now.
490
00:18:30,609 --> 00:18:32,653
Well, you're just a little too late
491
00:18:32,653 --> 00:18:35,531
because the devil took Bobby off
to the Hotel Arlen.
492
00:18:35,531 --> 00:18:37,032
Hotel Arlen?
493
00:18:37,116 --> 00:18:38,867
(birds chirping)
494
00:18:38,951 --> 00:18:41,203
-(soft music)
-(indistinct chattering)
495
00:18:41,203 --> 00:18:42,663
I tell you, we have to do it.
496
00:18:42,663 --> 00:18:43,789
Oh. You know, if I don't...
497
00:18:43,789 --> 00:18:47,709
Bobby, I'm proud of you
for what you did at school today.
498
00:18:48,460 --> 00:18:50,045
- So I'm buying you a hooker.
-(thumps)
499
00:18:50,129 --> 00:18:52,172
Go ahead. Pick yourself out a live one.
500
00:18:52,714 --> 00:18:54,424
A live one what?
501
00:18:54,508 --> 00:18:57,136
-(footsteps)
- Hey, cutie, you got papers?
502
00:18:57,636 --> 00:19:01,557
-(footsteps)
-(chattering)
503
00:19:01,557 --> 00:19:03,725
Bobby, get over here now.
504
00:19:03,809 --> 00:19:05,310
But grandpa said I...
505
00:19:05,394 --> 00:19:06,728
Bobby, you heard your mother.
506
00:19:06,812 --> 00:19:08,355
- Get over there.
-(footsteps)
507
00:19:08,355 --> 00:19:09,606
What are you saying, Hank?
508
00:19:10,107 --> 00:19:11,567
Are you siding with your woman?
509
00:19:12,234 --> 00:19:13,819
Look at me, son.
510
00:19:13,819 --> 00:19:15,487
Look at my shins.
511
00:19:16,196 --> 00:19:19,783
Look, Dad, I'm sorry
about fatty and your shins,
512
00:19:19,867 --> 00:19:21,660
but I'm not a kid anymore.
513
00:19:21,660 --> 00:19:25,122
Bobby is my boy,
and I won't let him grow up
514
00:19:25,122 --> 00:19:27,374
- to be a woman-hating old fool.
-(light music)
515
00:19:27,374 --> 00:19:28,917
No wonder Mom left you.
516
00:19:29,001 --> 00:19:30,586
She was a strong lady,
517
00:19:30,586 --> 00:19:32,838
classy and smart like Peg.
518
00:19:32,838 --> 00:19:35,299
Maybe you couldn't handle that, but I can.
519
00:19:35,299 --> 00:19:38,552
My marriage is a partnership of equals.
520
00:19:38,552 --> 00:19:40,637
Peggy might do all the housework,
521
00:19:40,721 --> 00:19:43,390
but there are a lot of other things
that I'm supposed to do.
522
00:19:43,390 --> 00:19:46,476
But I'm not going to say what they are
because I'm a gentleman.
523
00:19:47,519 --> 00:19:48,395
Oh, I get it.
524
00:19:48,812 --> 00:19:50,564
- She's making you say this.
-(footsteps)
525
00:19:50,564 --> 00:19:51,982
You're just her puppet.
526
00:19:51,982 --> 00:19:54,693
No, Dad, I'm saying all this
because I mean it.
527
00:19:54,818 --> 00:19:56,361
Now, Didi's out in the car.
528
00:19:56,445 --> 00:19:59,031
I had her pack up.
It's time for you to head home.
529
00:20:00,032 --> 00:20:03,744
Well... I never thought I'd see the day
530
00:20:03,744 --> 00:20:06,914
when my own son would stop loving me.
531
00:20:06,914 --> 00:20:11,501
-(somber music)
-(footsteps)
532
00:20:13,003 --> 00:20:15,422
(yells)
It's about time!
533
00:20:15,923 --> 00:20:17,466
Love's for sissies!
534
00:20:17,466 --> 00:20:20,260
Ain't that right,
you house full of hookers?
535
00:20:20,344 --> 00:20:22,179
-(all exclaim)
- WOMAN: Listen to that man.
536
00:20:22,804 --> 00:20:24,556
All right, hookers, listen up.
537
00:20:24,640 --> 00:20:28,227
I'll be back next year
so don't be jacking up your prices.
538
00:20:28,227 --> 00:20:31,563
- WOMAN: Oh.
- I'll be staying over to Hank Hill's home.
539
00:20:31,647 --> 00:20:33,649
-(light music)
-(both gasp)
540
00:20:33,649 --> 00:20:35,484
Bobby, you got to try and forget
541
00:20:35,484 --> 00:20:37,778
all that gobbledygook
your grandpa told you.
542
00:20:37,778 --> 00:20:39,571
-(crickets chirp)
- You listen to your mother.
543
00:20:39,655 --> 00:20:40,530
She knows best.
544
00:20:40,614 --> 00:20:43,575
But she's a woman.
How can she know better than grandpa?
545
00:20:43,659 --> 00:20:46,828
Well, because she's a lot
smarter than him, for one.
546
00:20:47,329 --> 00:20:49,915
Your mother's probably got
a better head on her shoulders
547
00:20:49,915 --> 00:20:51,250
than anybody in Arlen.
548
00:20:51,250 --> 00:20:54,753
Better than Bill or Dale or Boomhauer?
549
00:20:54,753 --> 00:20:58,548
Geez, Bobby, why not compare her
to a baboon in the zoo?
550
00:20:58,632 --> 00:21:00,842
But I thought they were your best friends.
551
00:21:00,926 --> 00:21:03,095
Peggy's my best friend, son.
552
00:21:03,095 --> 00:21:04,054
Mom?
553
00:21:04,054 --> 00:21:05,138
That's right.
554
00:21:05,222 --> 00:21:07,182
And when you're older,
I hope you're lucky enough
555
00:21:07,266 --> 00:21:09,768
to find a girl to be
best friends with, too.
556
00:21:09,768 --> 00:21:12,020
You think that'll really happen to me?
557
00:21:12,145 --> 00:21:14,690
Well, it won't if you keep
slapping them in the butt
558
00:21:14,690 --> 00:21:15,899
and ordering them around.
559
00:21:15,983 --> 00:21:16,942
You'll do okay.
560
00:21:16,942 --> 00:21:18,735
You just have to remember one thing,
561
00:21:19,236 --> 00:21:22,406
women were not put on this earth
to serve you and me.
562
00:21:22,406 --> 00:21:25,033
Now, what do you say we get an ice cream?
563
00:21:25,117 --> 00:21:28,996
-(light music)
-(clicking)
564
00:21:31,373 --> 00:21:33,875
(whirs)
565
00:21:39,756 --> 00:21:43,802
(closing theme music)