This grout is supposed to stay white
- for 20 years.
What's it been? 17, 18?
Peggy, where's that receipt?
- Uncle Hank!
- Don't you know not to barge in here
when I'm in the shower?
For goodness' sakes, Hank.
You are fully clothed.
This time. Next time, I might not be so lucky.
- Just look at Lady Bird.
Aw, Lady Bird.
Didn't Luanne make you look pretty, pretty dog?
- Who's a pretty dog?
Get that stuff off of her.
She looks like Fran Drescher.
I didn't put it on.
Your dog ate all my cruelty-free makeups.
Okay, honey, calm down.
If she tries it again
just tap her on the fanny with a rolled-up newspaper.
I spent extra money to buy cruelty-free.
I'll do a lot more than tap her.
I found a spark plug.
Great!
Now all we need are five more of those
an engine, four wheels, some kind of frame
and a cassette radio
and we've got our death cart!
- Hey...
Look what I found.
A Manitoba 100.
The official cigarette of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police.
Wow!
I never had one of those.
You ever had any cigarette?
Well... No. How about you?
- Only secondhand from my dad.
You want to spark it?
Now, now, now!
- Mmm...
Mmm...
Quick! Pull the knob.
Is someone in there?
Is this john occupied?
Es esta juan occupado?
Si.
- Bobby, is that you?
Well, do you wantto lose a lung?
Because if you do, I am sure there's another little boy out there
who would take it in a second.
Didn't you read this?
"Cancer, heart disease, emphysema."
Well, I thought those were the ingredients.
Hey, do not be a smart-mouth.
Now, I gave up smoking so you could be free of birth defects
and this is how you repay me?
Yeah, you don't know how hard it is to quit.
Your mother and I went through hell trying to...
Hey, don't recline on mine while I'm talking to you.
Bobby, smoking is a nasty, filthy, filthy habit
and only trailer trash smoke nowadays.
Now, do you want to look like trailer trash?
That's not fair! I don't smoke!
Lua... Ah!
Lord, Hank, you finish this.
Oh, honey, you are not trash.
Just 'cause you grew up in a trailer
and your mama's in prison.
All right, Joe Camel,
you want to smoke, let's go smoke.
Now look here.
- You are going to smoke...
...this entire carton.
- I thought you said
you didn't want me to smoke anymore.
Oh, this will take care of that, believe me.
I wish my daddy had the parenting skills
to do this for me, I tell you what.
- Start puffin', boy.
We got to get through 200 of these.
Joseph, I understand you smoked
your first cigarette today.
I'm sorry, dad.
I'll never smoke again.
Whoa, hold on, son.
I want you to keep an open mind
- so you can make an informed decision.
If you want, you can read
a bloated government report on smoking
or go straight to the horse's mouth
and get the facts
from the tobacco industry.
For God's sakes, Bobby,
what nationality are you?
American.
Then why are you holding your cigarette
like some kind of European Nazi in a movie?
Why's it matter?
That's not the right sort
of attitude for you to have.
Whatever you do, you should do right
even if it's something wrong.
Okay.
No, no, no. I said American.
Here, let me show you.
That is not how to inhale, Bobby.
You're hot-boxing it.
You got to inhale slow.
You see?
Slow, like that.
Okay.
Wait a minute. Let me show you one more time.
No two ways about it
smoking is a filthy, disgusting habit.
- How come you smoked?
Well, it wasn't as bad for you back then.
- Wow!
Pretty keen, huh?
The trick is to get your thumb under the filter.
But of course, smoking is wrong,
so uh, you'll have to try this with a dowel
- Or something.
Come on, only one pack left.
I think I'm going to barf.
- That's what I wanted to hear.
Good job, son.
Uh... When you're finished,
you want to get that with a hose?
You see, raising a boy
- is like fixing a radiator.
You don't talk it into working right.
- You have to take it out back
and flush it clean.
Huh...
What's wrong, Hank?
Why are you always asking me that?
What's wrong with you? How does that sound for a change?
I just asked once.
Oh, is it about Bobby and that cigarette today?
No, I took care of that.
I made him smoke a whole carton
until he was as sick as he's ever been in his life.
Hank Hill!
What on God's earth were you thinking?
He is just a little boy.
You stunt his growth, he will stay that way.
Peggy, it's late.
I'm tired.
Let's just go to sleep.
Okay.
Uh, I got to go do some stuff.
- I think I might have left the blender on.
Hmm.
Mm-hm.
- Hey, there, Enrique.
Uh, sorry, Mr. Hill.
I know I'm not supposed to be smoking.
Aw, hell, what's a rule for
if you can't break i once in a while?
And times got hard
after NAFTA sent the pinata jobs north.
That's quite a story, Enrique.
I like stories.
I like stories about pinatas.
In fact, I like everything you have to say.
Let's me and you visit your hometown sometime
the way you had the courtesy to come see mine.
I'd be honored for you to meet my family.
- And I'd be honored for you to meet my...
Oh, no, my wife!
Hey, Hank.
Honey, can you take a lunch break?
Uh, sure.
Huh!
Oh, dios mio! Ooh.
Ha-ha!
How do you like that, hmm?
Is your heart racing?
Are you upset?
Now you know how I feel when you eat my makeups.
Oh, for heaven's sake.
That flesh-eating virus has claimed another victim.
Well, don't let it worry you, Peggy.
Sometimes you just got to relax and enjoy life
- for all its rich, mellow flavor.
Hank, what are you doing?
Uh, oh, uh, oh, uh...
Well, Bobby vomited with one pack to go.
I couldn't throw them out.
That would be wasteful.
But we haven't smoked for 12 years.
I know, but, well...
Hey, doesn't the smell take you back?
- Hmm.
-♪ What do you get ♪ - Woo-hoo!
-♪ When you fall in love? ♪
-♪ A guy with a pin to burst your bubble ♪
♪ That's what you get For all your trouble ♪
-♪ I'll never fall in love again ♪
Hey, wait a minute.
-♪ I'll never fall in love again... ♪
Oh, Hank...
Oh, that feels like, what, 100 years ago?
- It doesn't have to.
Mm, mm.
Mmm.
♪ What do you get when you kiss a guy... ♪
Ah. Shouldn't we be getting home?
Mmm, no, Hank.
Let's just stay a moment longer.
♪ I'll never fall in love again. ♪
- Ooh! Oh, boy!
Ooh, boy!
Oh, I feel so alive with pleasure!
- Fine day, isn't it, boy?
- Uh, Hank.
There is a tile in the bathroom that I think we missed.
Really?
Well, I better check that out.
Heh-heh-heh.
Well, I found the tile,
thank you very much, Peggy,
and I looked at it
but there's still some more tile for you to look at.
You know, I think I will save the rest of my tile
for after breakfast.
Will you stop talking about your stupid tile!
If it's so dirty, go clean it
and if it's clean, you can shut up!
Hey, I've got an idea.
Let's go eat at that place
we used to go when we smoked
with the jazz combo.
Smokey's?
Yeah, that's the one.
- Yup.
- Yep.
Mmm...
Hmm!
Hey, man, y'all put that dang ol' thing out, man.
Y'all go lightin' up like that, man,
like a dang ol' junkie, man, go messin' up my head
with that dang ol' secondary nicotine like that, man.
Aw, Hank, I thought you gave that up.
Welcome back, friend!
I knew this day would come!
Dale, get off of me.
Yep. Same old Smokey's.
Place hasn't changed a bit.
Now, where is old Smokey?
We would love to say hi.
Oh, Smokey's no longer with us.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Well, it's for the best, darlin'.
Those last few years when it spread to his bones...
Smoking or non-smoking?
Uh... Smoking.
What's going on in here?
Bobby, what are you doing with the cigarette?
You are going to burn this house down.
Hey, all right!
You guys smoke, too?
What we do is none of your business.
I told you not to smoke.
Do I have to take you out back
with another carton of cigarettes?
I think you do.
I cannot believe that you're all smoking!
Don't you know that more people die of smoking
than die of... war in... Vietnam every day?
I'm begging you, put out your cigarettes
and keep them out!
She's right, Hank.
How can we expect Bobby to quit
when we won't?
We're the adults.
We have to set an example.
- Hey, that's my rug!
No one said it was going to be easy, son.
Future non-smokers.
Take a look to your left.
Now take a look to your right.
Who do you see?
Don't be shy.
There are no wrong answers here.
I see a caring human being?
No.
You see your "Buddies for a better life."
I've got the strangest feeling
someone's going to kick his ass.
Oh, come on, Hank.
Will you just give it a chance?
Yes, buddy, give it a chance.
Bill?
What are you doing here?
Well, I... I know you think of me
as a pretty together guy but
sometimes I need a little help.
Just six nights a week
for... twenty years.
Looks like someone found a buddy.
Hey, there, why don't you tell us your name
and how long you've been smoking?
Uh, I'd rather not.
I understand.
It's not easy to admit we're weak.
You're calling me weak?
Look at your little birdy arms.
They're no thicker than a cigarette.
I could smoke them little arms.
Come on, dad, open up.
Ah... Is this your son?
It's beautiful how you came out to support your daddy.
I'm a smoker, too.
Oh, no... How long have you been addicted to cigarettes?
Since my dad let me smoke a whole carton.
Oh.
Wait a minute, I didn't let him.
I made him.
It was a punishment.
Can I get a new buddy?
What is wrong with him?
You are sick, sir.
You shouldn't be allowed to have children.
Now, hold on a minute here.
I didn't bring my family here to be yelled at.
I don't think I like this club.
You all whine too much
and the coffee's bad.
I'll tell you what you need to do.
You need to take a thirteenth step...
down off your high horse.
Yeah!
Huh.
Here's to three of the bravest individuals
- in all of Arlen.
To the Hills and their tobacco-free future!
My gosh, are you still talking?
Why's my potato got skin on it?
- I hate skin!
I will not sit here and have my work insulted.
What? Do you think the potatoes just fly into the bowl
and mash themselves?!
I know y'all don't mean none of those harsh words.
It's just the nicotine withdrawal.
Why is she still talking?
Oh, my God!
Drop it. Drop.
Drop it.
Bobby, Hank, hold on.
I got it.
When's this thing supposed to kick in?
It's not working.
It's broken.
Bobby, the patch goes on your shoulder.
Bobby... Bobby!
Bobby, spit it out! Spit it out!
Hank, you hold him.
I'll get a stick.
- Ah. Ah. Ah. - I...
I wasn't going to smoke it, I swear.
I know.
You did it.
Good boy.
Here's your treat.
- Bobby, Aunt Peg, come in here.
Uncle Hank's clean.
- He's going to be okay.
Oh, yeah? Good job.
Well done. So proud.
Let's celebrate.
I'll make an icebox cake.
Bobby, why don't you...
Hey, uh...
Where's Aunt Peggy?
The cigarette's gone!
- Mom?
- I found her. - Close the darn door.
Can't you see that I am knitting?
Mom, hand over the cigarette.
No.
Mom, this is not your son.
This is your buddy.
- No. - Hand it over.
Who's your buddy?
Well done, Bobby.
- Hey, wait a minute! - Give me that! Give it to me!
What are you doing?
All of you, just stop it!
You want the cigarette?
- You want it so bad?
Come and get it.
Come on.
- Oooh! - Hey, hey, hey. Out of there.
- Hey, what are you doing, Luanne?
- Unlock this door, right now!
I'm crating you all in
like an unruly dog.
I am sick of dysfunctional families.
I came from one
and I'm not going to let it happen to you.
Function!
Function, darn you!
Okay...
Women and children first.
I take the first puff
Bobby here gets the second.
If there's anything left...
You.
Who are you trying to kid?
We all know there won't be anything left.
Let's you and me split it, Peg.
It'll be romantic.
You know, like the old days.
Before he came along.
Mama, it's your son.
Nine months inside, remember?
Those were good times, too.
- I don't know.
All of this is happening too fast.
I just don't know.
Well, I do.
Come on, Bobby, you and me can take her.
- You go high, I'll go low.
Hey, back off!
- I will drop it. I will.
I will drop this.
- No! - No!
Well, look at us,
at each other's throats.
And after all we've been through.
This family has survived fires and twisters
and every strain of flu the orient could throw at us.
Well, we are not going to be done in
by a lousy tobacco leaf.
We're going to make it...
together!
Now, who's with me? Hands in the center.
- Come on!
Huh!
Oh, Hank.
I know.
Isn't it the most beautiful day
you've ever seen?
What a day to be alive.
Hey, dad. Over here!
Go deep, Bobby!
- Ah.
Here, Bobby, Bobby! Over here! Aah.
All right.
Me! Me now! Hoo-hoo.
- Over here, Peggy!
- Uh... Okay.
Y'all listen up, man.
This is Boomhauer.
This is your lungs on air.
This is your lungs on smoke.
See the difference, man?
It's going to stunt your growth all over
end up in that dang old hospital bed like Morton Downey Jr.
Robert Downey Jr. even worse, man.
Yo, think talking about oral gratification
all that dang, it going to give you a low sperm count, man,
give you ear hair.
- Yo, it just ain't... ain't no good.