(light music)
(fast-paced light music)
-(light music) -(lawn mower purring)
Hmm. Two and an eighth.
(birds chirping)
And two and a sixteenth.
Better let some air out of my left tires.
Hey, you getting your lawn ready for cinco de mayo, Hank?
Bill, my lawn is in a constant state of readiness.
The block party is just an opportunity to trot her out
and show what she can do.
-(puppy barks) - KAHN: Hey, Hank,
since you let your lawn go to heck, okay, if Doggie make on it?
Hey, if you've got something to say, say it.
It's not my place to point out low density patches here... over there...
- And behind other side of house. -(sniffing)
Sucky lawn bring down value of my property.
-(birds chirping) - DALE: Now, you listen here, Kahn.
If anyone's bringing down
the value of this neighborhood, it's me.
My lawn's nothing but ragweed and auto parts.
I should be ashamed to live next to Hank Hill.
He's got the best lawn in Arlen.
Oh, best lawn... after mine.
-(quirky music) - Ha!
Ha!
(barking)
BILL: Oh, don't worry, Hank.
We might be able to tell Kahn's lawn is better than yours,
but all those people at the block party, they won't.
They'll be drunk.
(rustling)
(quirky music)
Darn.
I've poured my whole life into this lawn.
My heart, my soul...
the tender feelings I've held back from my family.
(quirky music)
Now, Hank, you don't want to win that way.
Why don't you just switch those back and go in and hug your wife.
(light music sting)
(thumps)
Bethany, it does not matter if your avocados are hard.
Life is hard.
You cannot make authentic guacamole out of lima beans and ritz crackers.
-(clanks) -(birds chirping)
Ah, these people...
-(thuds) - Gringos.
I'm just glad you're in charge of the block party this year, Aunt Peggy.
Last year it was all tex and no mex.
I don't know why everyone's so gaga over Kahn's lawn all of a sudden.
For God's sakes, the man mows with the grain.
Oh, he's the devil.
Anyway, Hank. Would you please tell Boomhauer
swiss cheese is not Mexican?
It is American.
I want him to bring some monterrey hack.
I'm the block captain.
I should have the best lawn for cinco de mayo.
But look at her, something's wrong.
She's like a pretty girl with short hair.
(birds chirping)
Hey, Hank, what do you say to another lawn spraying
from your favorite exterminator?
Well, uh, I don't know.
I guess those twice-a-week sprayings have been doing the job, Dale.
I lost another client.
Thinks I use too much chemicals.
I say Sara Lee uses more chemicals than I do.
Come on, I need to make up the income.
I'll do it for free.
Uh, well... Okay.
Wingo, man!
I'll get my stuff.
You know, maybe that's what's wrong with your lawn.
- Dale's spraying too much poison on it? -(thumps)
What? No...
He's always sprayed my lawn.
And if I can give some business to my friend
and keep my lawn bug-free,
it's worth two dollars a week.
Well, then, good for you for choosing your friend over your lawn.
(somber music)
-(slurps) - DALE: All right.
Turn your cuffs down, boys and make sure you're zipped.
Uh, you know what, Dale?
I thought it over, and I think I'll take a rain check.
But I was going to spray for fire ants today.
All the same, I'll give it a pass.
Oh, I wouldn't advise that.
You risk getting a queen.
Look at her!
(birds chirping)
She can lay a million eggs in a 24-hour period.
BILL: Wow...
That's more than a human woman does in a lifetime.
These fire ants are well-organized, highly trained insects.
They'll swarm all over you
and sting you all at once without warning on a single command.
It's how they killed L. Ron Hubbard.
Ah, Dale, fire ants don't sting you all at once.
Half of them bite, the other half are on defense.
That's not true.
I don't know, man, Hank's the man.
He knows, dang ol' Hank's the man.
What are you guys listening to Hank for?
I have dedicated my professional career to the study and control of arthropods.
I have personally taste-tested each and every household insecticide.
I have read a book.
Now, who do you believe, me or Hank?
- Hank. - Dang ol' Hank's more believable.
Fine, side with him.
Just to show you what a big man I am
I'll still spray your lawn.
(sighs)
Dale, I don't want you to spray my lawn anymore.
- Not now, not ever. -(beer plops)
I see what's going on here.
You got another exterminator.
Is he licensed?
Is he bonded?
Is that it?
Did you want someone who's licensed and bonded?
Dale, let's not make this any harder than it has to be.
It's over.
- But... -(somber music)
I'm your exterminator.
You were my exterminator.
Now we're just friends.
(somber music)
Don't do this to me in front of everybody.
Let me just spray a little to keep up appearances.
No.
-(somber music) -(footsteps)
-(hissing) -(clanking)
(clears throat)
All done, Hank.
Just keep the dog in the house for an hour.
(car approaching)
I did what had to be done.
- I got rid of an anti-lawn element. -(Bobby grunts)
Sure, he's a friend, but I have lots of friends.
I only have the one lawn.
(tires screeching)
(light music)
Hmm...
-(clattering) - What do you think?
Does this say Hank Hill?
I thought we just came for seed and fertilizer.
Why are men so attracted to hoes?
(gasps) Peggy...
- Peggy, look! -(thumps)
-(light music) - It's Raleigh St. Augustine.
The heck with fertilizer and seed. I want this.
Hank, it's $1.25 a square foot.
- So what? It's worth it. -(clanks)
Look, some people hoist a flag to show they love our country.
Well, my lawn is my flag.
It tells the world,
here lives a competent, trustworthy salesman
of propane and propane accessories.
A man who can't keep up a lawn is either inept or stupid.
Without my lawn, I am Bill.
Do you want to be married to Bill?
(shudders)
(birds chirping)
(rustling)
Well, mister
you have just installed the finest lawn on the block.
Oh, Peggy, I didn't do it for me.
I did it for Arlen.
Ooh, it looks so nice. Can I touch it?
Sure. It's a lawn.
It's meant to be enjoyed.
-(rustling) - Ooh...
(giggling)
It feels so... good against my skin.
(laughing)
(grass rustling)
Uh, okay, that's enough.
Ahh.
(water trickles)
- Hey, Hank. -(birds chirping)
Congrats on the lawn, friend.
(both slurp)
Well, I'm glad you came.
May I?
Just a little.
Oh, yeah... That's nice.
Feels like a shag carpet with dirt.
Feels like... home.
KAHN: Hey!
Get off my property!
-(grass rustling) -(giggling)
Luanne!
For God's sakes...
(suspenseful music)
(laughing)
Ouch.
(high pitch music)
-(footsteps) -(grass rustles)
(birds chirping)
(thumps)
HANK: Ahh.
(chuckles)
Boy, it does feel good against the skin.
KAHN: Hank Hill,
somebody steal my TV guide out of mailbox.
First I think it Bill, but then I think, "Can Bill read?"
Well, hey, Kahn.
- Just letting my feet air out here. -(rustles)
Well, Hillbilly barefoot.
Big surprise.
Yep. Just walking around on my lush, super-plush new lawn.
I noticed. Raleigh st. Augustine, very expensive.
Well, I think it was worth it for the best lawn in Arlen.
Yes, yes, all right. You win. Best lawn.
Tomorrow maybe we compare salary.
Kahn Jr., get fertilizer.
Minh, get my tax return.
(chuckles)
Hmm, don't want to get a hose imprint.
(grass rustles)
Ow! What the...
(gasps) A fire ant?
(yells)
Oh, God, no!
An anthill on my new lawn!
Oh, so that's what that is.
How did I get fire ants?
I'm only a professional exterminator.
I don't know how you get 'em.
I only know how you get rid of 'em.
Welp, got to go.
(light music)
It's called eco-kill, Hank.
The government would not let them use the word "Eco"
- unless it was ecologically safe. -(buzzes)
(sighs) I don't know, Peggy.
It seems to me it's going to take more than a bag of flies
to scare off these red devil bastards.
No-ho-ho-ho-ho, they do more than scare 'em.
"The phorid fly injects its egg into the fire ant's head.
The egg hatches into a maggot
which eats awa at the ant's brain
until the head falls off.
- Repeat as necessary. - I like it.
This is exactly what those environmentalists
should be spending their time on,
finding ways to use nature against other forms of nature
that are inconvenient to man.
Wow. Look how busy this ant is.
It's got so many places to go
and so many things to do.
-(hisses) - Oops.
(birds chirping)
Ooh.
Your parents got eco-kill.
Cool. (chuckles)
We can collect the empty ant heads when they're done.
What a terrible way to die.
-(hisses) - Oops.
Come on, if we save them, we can play with them.
(thumping)
(crickets chirping)
(suspenseful music)
(buzzing)
(hisses)
(crickets chirping)
Hey, look at that chubby white one.
He reminds me of me, before my growth spurt.
That's the queen, stupid.
It looks just like the one on my dad's truck.
You mean, Dale Gribble's truck?
Yeah, yeah. My dad.
The queen is cool.
She lets out smells
that make the other ants do whatever she wants.
Wow.
(high pitch music)
(birds chirping)
Hmm.
DALE: Well, well, well.
Looks like those fire ants played you like a darn fiddle.
Yeah, well, the opera ain't over yet.
Okay, ants, put your heads between your six legs...
-(engine rev) - ...and kiss your butt good-bye.
(tires screech)
(engine revs)
(clinks)
(light music)
-(birds chirping) -(paper rustles)
"Celebration of local graffiti artists?"
I'll give you a headline,
"Local man cancels newspaper subscription."
(yells)
(chuckling) Hey, Hank!
You got a permit for all that construction?
(footsteps)
You've got ants.
(rock music)
(sniffing)
(sniffing deeply)
(thumps)
(rock music continues)
Yes, my queen.
(rock music continues)
(soft music playing)
BILL: Yo, Peggy wants me to barbecue 20 pounds of Mexican sausage.
(hisses)
I got half a tank of propane left. You think that's enough?
I figure I could top it off with some lighter fluid or something.
Whoa, Bill, you don't want to be mixing and matching your petrochemicals.
The propane association recommends that...
It'll be fine, Bill.
Burn is burn.
"Burn is burn."
I got to remember that.
No, no. I'm telling you, that's dangerous.
Propane is what I know best.
Well, it sure ain't lawns.
(laughs)
Yeah, man, you're dang sure right about that, yo.
(sighs)
Hey, guys, I kind of got to talk to Dale alone.
(birds chirping)
(clanking)
Hank, I was just telling the guys about Stonehenge.
It seems the druids used it as some kind of sophisticated celestial...
Uh, Dale, I didn't come here to...
Oh, no. For once you will hear me out.
Calendar.
(birds chirping continues)
Now, what can I do for you?
You can save my lawn.
Those fire ants are out of control.
Dale, you're the only one who can help me.
That's right. I am.
The question is, why should I?
Well, I'll give you two dollars.
(chuckles) Ha! Two dollars.
(sighs)
Because you're my friend.
Ooh, I'm Hank's "Friend."
Tie a ribbon around me.
(sighs) Because I'm coming to you, man to man
offering a genuine apology for choosing my lawn over our friendship.
(birds chirping)
Geez, Hank, I was just holding out for $2.50.
-(hissing) - Hey, what's that? What are you spraying?
There won't be bleaching, will there?
Hell, no.
Uh... I'd put that mask back on if I were you.
You should have come to me sooner.
- I got to pull out the big gun... -(clanking)
...dioxaphilaphide 6,000 with techroline.
-(hissing continues) -(Dale chuckles)
MEN (on TV): And don't forget, it is cuatro de mayo.
That's right, brother.
- That's right man. -(thumps)
(door opens)
(footsteps)
(surprise music)
(Hank whimpering)
(birds chirp)
-(quirky music) -(groans)
It's not fair.
She was so young
and green.
I never even got a chance to mow her.
- Oh, it'll be okay, Hank. -(birds chirping)
You will grow a new lawn by next year's Cinco de mayo.
Uh-uh. I can't go through this again.
From now on, wood chips and gravel.
Now, you do not mean that.
Ashes to ashes, man.
That dang ol' ashes to ashes.
I only used as much poison as necessary and not a 55-gallon drum more.
Poor Hank.
- Serves him right. - Darn straight.
Yeah, yeah, does.
- Mm-hmm. - You know, where I come from
we got a thing called karma.
You do something bad,
it come back and bite you in the ass!
Big, white stubborn ass.
HANK: Uh, guys, I can hear you.
- LUANNE: Aunt Peggy. -(Peggy humming)
Buckley wants to bring his .38
to shoot off at the block party,
but Uncle Hank said nothing bigger than a .22.
Well, now, he is the block captain, Luanne.
-(munching) -(somber music)
PEGGY: Now, I coat the churros
with azucar or sugar.
(somber music)
- Well, how very odd. -(clinks)
Now what the heck was that?
(somber music continues)
- Feast, my queen, feast. -(pattering)
(growls)
(birds chirping)
-(squeaks) -(water trickling)
(plopping)
(water trickling continues)
I just hope Hank doesn't blame Dale for what happened.
Oh, no, Nancy.
He knows Dale was only doing his job.
That's it. He gave him a 50-cent raise.
Oh, sugar.
We're out of sugar, shug.
You know, I think there's some more in the basement.
Oh, no, I'll go get it.
-(clinking) -(footsteps)
(door opens, squeaks)
(somber music continues)
-(somber music) -(footsteps)
Dale?
(soft music)
(clicks)
(Peggy gasps)
-(thumps) - Mm.
(somber music)
(screams)
(squeaks)
(growls)
(somber music)
(gasps)
Oh, my goodness.
Hey, Peggy.
How could you do it?
How could you plant fire ants on our lawn?
Uh, I'm denying that. That's my position.
Dale, you wrote it on this map...
3:00 AM, planted ants.
If all you're going on is my confession, forget it.
-(clicks) - I'm simply not credible.
Well, then, what on God's green earth are you doing with all these fire ants?
Uh... they're silkworms.
Uh-huh.
If you keep your mouth shut, I'll make you a business suit.
(sniffing)
No. I cannot allow you to leave the safety of the bowl.
It is too dangerous out there.
(sniffs)
Forgive me, my queen.
I spoke out of turn.
(somber music)
(birds chirping)
(thumping music)
Yes, your majesty, I will tell my people about you.
And may I be so bold as to ask you to tell your subjects about...
-(quirky music) - Uh-oh.
-(humming) -(door closes)
PEGGY: I'm telling you, Hank, it is Dale with those fire ants...
- Dale! -(yells)
Oh, man.
- Dale, you went too far this time. -(thumps)
-(Dale screams) - Come back here.
- Come here! I'm going to kick your ass. - DALE: No!
- No. - I'm going to kick it harder
if you don't come over here.
You shouldn't have fired me!
You know what I'm like!
I'm capable of any crazy thing!
But my lawn, Dale?
You don't mess with a man's lawn!
I had no choice!
I tried planting the ants in your driveway but they didn't take.
They couldn't bite through cement.
They're weak, like me!
BOBBY: Um, Dad...
Not now, Bobby, I'm in the middle of something.
BOBBY: This really can't wait.
Aah, Bobby, what are you doing?
- Take 'em off. -(suspenseful music)
Bobby, don't move a muscle.
What?
Listen to him, Bobby.
If you move, they're all gonna sting at once.
Take my hand, Bobby.
The ants will swarm on me.
What if they don't?
Oh, they will.
They've been waiting to get a piece of me for 15 years.
Come and get it, boys.
-(quirky music) -(Dale grunting)
Youch.
(thuds)
HANK: D-Dale?
BOBBY: Mr. Gribble?
Dale, no!
Oh.
- Oh, God. -(somber music)
You sacrificed your life to save my son.
I guess that makes us even for you ruining my lawn.
(sobs)
What am I saying? Of course it makes us even.
-(sobs) -(coughs)
While I was blacked out, was anything inserted into me?
You're alive?
Answer the question.
(gasps)
(mariachi music)
(indistinct chattering)
(squeaking)
ANNOUNCER (on TV): ...And it's on the green.
HANK (sighs): Beautiful.
(squeaking)
It's on the green.
So green and soothing.
PEGGY (trilling): Oh, yeah.
Come join the block party.
How about at least one margarrrrita before Bill finishes them all.
(sighs) It's not... Margarrrrita.
Okay. It's margarita.
(doorbell rings)
-(door opens) - Oh, Hank. Hank, come quick.
Well, I'll be.
- Here, Hank. -(soft music)
I've been saving this for someone special.
But I guess she's never coming back.
KAHN: Try and make lawn nice, neighbor.
Organically grown. No chemicals.
I killed all the bugs with my fingers.
BOOMHAUER: Whoo-ee, man.
That dang ol' Hank, man.
Everybody's best friend, man. Richest man in the world.
Just like the dang old, jimmy... Yo.
Well, this is a very friendly gesture.
I-I-I like you all a whole lot.
If any of you weren't here,
- I'd miss you some. -(tapping)
I especially want to thank Dale Gribble.
Without his paranoid, and... well, hateful nature,
I never would've learned
what kind of beating a friendship can survive.
You're my best friend, Dale.
Oh, I thought I was your best friend, Hank.
(chuckles)
Yeah, well...
(mariachi music)
(chuckles)
(sighs)
(mariachi music continues)
-(Hank whistling) -(engine purring)