(birds chirping)
(car approaching)
Sensors detect a ship
on an intercept course at warp speed.
Should we go to red alert?
Make it so.
-(birds chirping) -(car approaching)
JOSEPH: I'm having a party next Sunday.
BOBBY: Can I come?
I guess.
Arm the photon torpedoes.
(birds squealing)
(both hawking up loogies)
Is there going to be cake?
Nope. This party's going to be different.
Different how?
There's going to be girls.
Fire!
-(Joseph spits) -(Bobby swallows)
(light music)
(fast-paced light music)
(light music)
WOMAN: In 1983,
disaster struck Mrs. Alma Campbell
when she got her hair chemically relaxed
at the casa linda salon in las cruces.
What was the issue?
Miss Platter?
It didn't look good?
No. Miss Johnson, enlighten us, please.
The stylist failed to detect
the subject's habitual overuse of henna
which can prevent penetration of chemical relaxants
like sodium hydroxide and ammonium thioglycolate.
Bravo. Remember, the most difficult cut in beauty school
is the cut that separates
first-year students from second-year students.
Think about that while you study for next week's
final exam, Miss Platter.
(somber music)
BOBBY: "A manicurist
with a seven-inch file is on a train heading east
at 80 miles per hour."
Oh, not another manicure question!
Why do I need to learn all this stuff?
Beauty is an art.
It's not something you can learn in school
like gym or study hall.
-(door slams) - Bill's, Bill's, Bill's...
Why do we keep getting Bill's mail?
Uncle Hank, want me to give you a whole new look?
Why would I want to do that?
You don't mess with success.
But I need as much practice as I can get
before my final.
Please!
Well, it has been almost a week since my last haircut.
Aw, what the heck.
I could use a trim.
Great!
I'll be right with you.
(squeaks)
I can't see any highlights.
Yes, you can.
You love them. Next.
Hey, what's cooking, good-loo... (gasps in shock)
Well, I do not like it either,
but I am trying to be supportive of Luanne's education,
and I expect you to do the same.
LUANNE: Uncle Hank!
One chair, no waiting!
No way, Peggy. Uh-uh.
My hair is our livelihood.
The advantages of propane don't always sell themselves.
All set, Uncle Hank.
Uh, Luanne...
I'm thinking about just letting my hair grow.
Oh.
Well, have you... ever considered a different color?
(chuckles)
Men don't do that.
Oh, sure, they do.
-(clattering) - Even President Reagan did.
Hey, now, if Ron Reagan dyed his hair,
and I'm not saying he did,
it was only to show his strength to the communists.
(hisses)
Joseph's having a party.
A boy-girl party.
- With girls. -(squeaks)
You're going to need some chaperones,
especially if my Bobby's there.
(Hank and Dale chuckle)
Don't worry.
- I got it all under control. -(car approaching)
There's not going to be any hanky-panky at my house.
Hey, John Redcorn.
(country music over radio)
Huh... Yeah.
You know, it's about time Bobby got bit by the love bug.
(chuckles)
Boy, when I was his age, I was so girl-crazy.
They called me Ricardo Montalban.
(Bill slurps)
Heh. After the actor.
Yep. Joseph's getting to be
a real lady-killer, too.
(exhales)
I reckon he gets that from his old man.
(quirky music)
Hey, there, Bobby.
I guess they found a cure for the cooties.
(chuckles)
I don't know.
What are cooties?
Well, when I was a boy,
that's what we called the germs you got from girls.
- Oh, you mean like chlamydia? -(birds chirping)
Huh?
What on earth are you two talking about?
Bobby was invited to his first boy-girl party.
A boy-girl party?
Already?
Well, I don't think I want to go.
Well, that's just fine, Bobby.
Would you like a juice box?
Wait a minute.
Son, why would you not want to go to a boy-girl party?
Parties are fun, Bobby.
Everybody dresses up and get to touch dance...
Touch dance?
I... I don't know.
What if I get felt up?
Oh, you just need some practice.
Luanne's right. All you need is practice.
You think Jeff Foxworthy
just woke up one day and took some funny pills?
And that's why blonds don't necessarily have more fun.
All right, class. Let's take a few moments to discuss
next week's final exam.
Mr. Hernandez,
hand them their heads.
-(clatters) - You will be required to demonstrate
a year's worth of theory on your practice head.
Be advised,
in beauty school, as in life, you only get one head.
You will need to use both to pass the exam.
Miss Platter.
-(light music) -(children chattering)
(indistinct chatter)
(hisses)
-(coughing) -(girls laughing)
Hey, watch where you're going.
BOBBY: Okay.
GIRL: Oh, no.
-(clanks) -(girls laugh)
-(clanks) -(thuds)
(girls laughing)
(upbeat dramatic music)
(hissing)
(gasps)
(girls giggling)
-(girls laughing) -(hissing)
(coughs)
(girls laughing)
(in sluggish voice) What have we here?
(screaming)
Hey, Bobby, want to eat?
- What? Okay. -(clattering)
Are you going to Joseph's party?
No. My dad won't let me be around boys
until after I'm married.
Are you going?
Nah.
Joseph's got a birthday in nine weeks,
and I, I don't want to get partied out.
Bobby, which bolo tie do you want to wear to the party?
The cow skull or the bull skull?
It doesn't matter.
- I'm not going. - What?
BOBBY: It's just a dumb party.
A dumb party with girls.
Well, I don't like girls.
Peg, honey, close the screen door.
Hank, can I speak with you?
- In a minute. - In the kitchen.
This better be about dinner.
PEGGY: Well, Hank Hill,
why don't you just drive him out to Hollywood
and put him on The Dating Game?
HANK: He's almost a teenager.
It ain't normal not to be curious.
Oh. It is perfectly normal for a late bloomer--
Hey, he is not a late bloomer.
How can you even think something like that about your own son?
Well, he obviously is not ready to socialize with the opposite sex, Hank.
The way you baby him, he never will be.
Mm.
Do you know anyone who would like a hot fudge sundae?
Look, Aunt Peggy. I got my practice head!
It's got real hair and everything!
Well, Luanne, it's a very nice head...
(yells) Don't touch it!
Aunt Peggy, I can't let anything happen to it before my final exam.
This is my chance to show everyone
it doesn't matter that I wasn't paying any attention. I may not be...
-(Luanne chattering fading) - Oh...
(sensual music)
(crickets chirping)
(dramatic music)
(yawns)
Hmm.
(light music)
(birds chirping)
(clicking)
PEGGY: Well, Bobby and I are going to the mall.
There's a sale on jockey shorts at sears.
Oh, maybe I'll go with you.
(clicking)
Okay, Bobby, vamanos. Come on.
BOBBY: Ooh, I just remembered
there's an after-school special on.
It's about Jesus.
Oh. Well, you cannot miss that.
Okay, Luanne, it's just you and me.
- Okay, bye. -(door closes)
(engine revs)
(clanks)
(squeaks)
(clears throat)
Hi.
(sighs)
Hi. I'm Bobby.
(clinking)
I'm sorry.
We're all out of diet.
You look really special tonight.
You want to dance?
(salsa music)
-(car honks) - Uh-oh.
(salsa music continues)
-(car door closes) - Oh.
(squeaks)
-(door opens, closes) -(slurping)
- Hello, sweetheart... - Nothing!
(birds chirping)
HANK: Hey, Dale.
Bill, Boomhauer.
Don't you "Dale, Bill, Boomhauer" us.
You said noon.
It's 12:15.
Do you have any idea
how long we've been waiting?
HANK: I overslept.
My damn hair's getting so long.
It's rustling on my pillow and keeping me up all night.
Uncle Hank, I never seen you with such long hair.
Come on. Let me trim it.
Nope. Sorry.
I love my long, long hair.
Why don't you practice on your practice head?
But I only get one chance to cut that hair.
Hey, we got a whole busload of new recruits
coming on the base today.
You could practice on them.
Thanks, Mr. Dauterive.
I'll go get my instruments.
Boy, I can't wait
for her to get that damn test over with.
Yeah, I know. You know, I feel for that kid.
I remember when I was starting out
as a young barber, I felt so alone.
Nobody cares, Bill.
- DRILL SERGEANT: Left, right, left... -(scissor clinking)
BILL: Mm-hmm. Clean lines,
nice shape on the cowlick, uh...
Primo cut, Luanne.
Thank you, Mr. Dauterive.
(whirring)
(Peggy whistle)
PEGGY: Wow, you look good.
You look better than good.
You look like a weatherman.
I'm just going to have some fruit and a glass of skim milk.
I want to slim down for Joseph's party.
Attaboy.
But Bobby, you said you didn't wanna go.
I changed my mind.
He changed his mind.
Bet I know why.
LUANNE: Bobby Hill has a girlfriend.
- He does not! Do you? - No.
There's nothing to be embarrassed about.
Hell, I'm proud of you.
Hell, I'm proud of you too, Dad.
Bye.
See Peggy? Our boy is perfectly normal.
(clicks)
(light music)
♪ Wouldn't it be nice if we were older ♪
♪ And we wouldn't have to wait so long? ♪
♪ And wouldn't it be nice to live together ♪
♪ In the kind of world where we belong? ♪
♪ You know it's gonna make it that much better ♪
♪ When we can say good night and stay together ♪
♪ Wouldn't it be nice if we could wake up ♪
♪ In the morning when the day is new? ♪
♪ And after having spent the day together ♪
♪ Hold each other close the whole night through... ♪
Hey, Courtney.
How you doing, Ashley?
Looking good, Maria.
I'll catch you later, Bonnie.
Man, when did you get to be so slick?
What do you mean?
Yo, Charisse, you stone cold fox, what up?
You're gonna be the most popular guy at my party.
I hope your lips don't fall off.
From what?
From kissing.
We're going to play spin the bottle.
(groans)
(birds chirping)
(romantic music)
BOBBY: Guess who?
(giggles) You look...
So tense.
I have something special planned for tonight.
Bobby?
Honey, I need some help with the groceries.
Bobby?
(whirring)
(romantic music)
BOBBY: Relax, baby.
It's just you...
- and me. -(gasps)
(scary music)
(both scream)
- Bobby! - Mom!
(both scream)
-(door clams) -(panting)
You must have got it wrong.
Maybe he just fell on it or something.
Hank, he was kissing it!
I saw it with my own two eyes.
I'm going to be seeing it for the rest of my life.
Now, Peggy, it's not your fault.
Well... Why'd you say that?
I just said it's not your fault.
Well, it did not need saying.
I know it is not my fault.
If anything, this is your fault.
you made him go to that camp with no toilet doors.
Don't point at me, woman!
You're the one who parks him in front of the TV
and makes him watch them muppets.
They got frogs kissing pigs...
What the hell did they think was going to happen?
We are not going to get anywhere by attacking each other.
We have to do the sensible thing.
We'll move to berlin.
- What? - Bobby will be accepted there.
I read somewhere that Germans are a very tolerant people.
Their culture admires all kinds of freaks.
Our boy is not a freak!
He's just confused.
Now, I'm gonna cut those apron strings you got him tied down with,
and set that boy straight, I'll tell you what.
(fingers tapping)
HANK: Bobby.
We're heading down the hall towards your room, son.
(knocks on door)
HANK: That's us knocking.
Your mother and me.
Come in.
HANK: Okay, then.
We're coming on in.
(door squeaking)
Bobby! How'd you like to go for a car ride?
Look, Bobby, I'm as open-minded as the next guy,
but just so you know,
most states won't let you marry a plastic head.
I don't won't to marry it! Ugh!
I just need it to practice my first kiss,
so I don't look like an idiot.
You're kissing aplastic head,
and you're afraid of looking like an idiot?
Son, I'm doing this for your own good.
You're just using this head as a crutch.
It's not a crutch, Dad!
It's something I've come to rely on to get me through life.
(cabinet door closes)
Well, I'll make you a deal, go to your party.
Afterwards, if you still want this head, you can have it.
But I won't need it after the party!
Exactly.
(clicks)
HANK: Let this be the end of it.
(crickets chirping)
(snoring in distance)
(suspenseful music)
(clatters)
(dogs barking in distance)
(snoring continues)
(suspenseful music)
(clicks)
(snoring)
(cabinet door squeaking)
(snoring continues)
(scary music)
-(gasps) - Well, that just tears it!
I have tried to be patient,
but now it's time for a little tough love.
(grunts, gasps)
No! (grunts)
Wait!
LUANNE: What's going on?
I don't know.
BOBBY (screaming): No, Dad! No!
Hank!
(machinery whirring)
- Stop, Hank! -(whirring)
Please!
LUANNE: Oh, no!
Please, not my head.
My test!
What about my test?
(birds chirping)
(quirky music)
TEACHER: Passable.
Hm. Good.
First, this is not the plastic head you were issued.
Second, just look at the way you shaved against the grain,
here, here and here.
And these are the worst sideburns
I've seen since chair three,
which makes me suspect you cheated.
"F."
That means you fail.
(sobbing)
What a bitch.
Ah, don't cry, Luanne.
This is the best haircut I ever had.
The hair is all nice and uniform
which is tough, 'cause I have bumps here and here.
LUANNE: I noticed.
I layered on the upslopes
and tapered on the down.
Yep, this is my all-time favorite haircut.
Oh... Thanks, Uncle Hank.
Miss Platter, I...
I'm sorry.
I've been mean and unfair.
I guess I just got so far from the hair,
and so into the whole power trip of running the academy
I forgot the most important principle
of the beautician's art,
repeat business and referrals.
You pleased your customer.
You pass.
(gasps)
(clapping slowly)
(students applauding, cheering)
(students whistling, cheering)
Ow!
Come here, Lady Bird.
Come here.
You're so pretty.
(smooching)
PEGGY: Bobby,
your father told me you were just kissing the headfor practice.
Now, I know he made that up to protect me,
but I am your mother, and I have decided
that I am gonna love you no matter what.
Okay.
I realize I am just as much to blame
for your condition as the media and the devil.
I have been overprotective.
You're not a baby anymore.
You are going to have a long and interesting life ahead of you,
and it's time for me to just let go.
Just let go.
So you go on.
-(grunting) - You go to the party.
That's right, just spread your wings
and fly away, little bird.
(grunting)
(light music)
(gulps)
- KAHN JR: Watch out! -(Bobby screams)
Hey, aren't you going to Joseph's party?
I can't. It's a make-out party,
and my dad took away my plastic head.
What a buzzkill.
I've been practicing, too.
Look. (kisses)
What a great idea!
I want my first kiss to be perfect, you know?
Something sweet I can keep with me my whole life.
Hey, Bobby.
Can we practice on each other?
You want to kiss me?
No! Just practice.
Oh. Okay.
Close your eyes.
-(thuds) -(both grunt)
This is stupid.
Let's try it with our eyes open.
(soft music)
(kisses)
Was that right?
I think so.
Do I have any hickeys?
I don't see anything.
MINH: Kahn, Jr.! Come home for dinner!
Your prawns getting cold!
Well, I better get to that party.
Hey...
Good luck.
Thanks.
(sighs)
(crickets chirping)
(whirring)
DALE: All right!
Why is it so quiet down here?
What are you kids up to?
Dad?
(whirring continues)
Oh, Dale, let's leave 'em alone.
DALE: You can't leave 'em alone.
NANCY: Oh, for Pete's sake.
I told you it's gonna happen when you get boys and girls leave 'em alone.
- NANCY: So what? - You get all that hanky-panky going on.
That's what supposed to happen when you get
girls and boys together.
DALE: It's the damn sugar. (echoes)
Sugar, what? Sugar, what? (echoes)
(yells)
(closing theme music)