[♪ acoustic guitar playing]
[beer hisses]
[♪ theme song playing]
♪
[♪ theme concludes]
[birds chirping]
You are late.
Now, we can call this meeting of the Hill Family Inc. to order.
Can we at least skip the reading of the minutes?
No, I...
[scoffs] Okay, fine.
Our income portfolio has paid out dividends,
so we need to decide what to do with the new money.
How much are we talkin' about?
- Just a measly 5%. - Measly?
That's money making money, invented by President Reagan.
Yes, but still less than the average index fund.
Then, there is inflation, which if you ask me,
is the real silent killer.
Heart disease just has better marketing.
That's what was so great about the Aramco retirement plan.
You pick your risk tolerance.
Leave moderate growth for millennials and other folks who wear tattoos to work.
I'm just trying to have more say in our investments.
Every second we do not invest is money lost.
Remember, time is money.
But also remember, slow and steady wins the race.
No need to turn this into a cliché comp-- [gasps]
Early bird gets the worm!
♪
- Yep. - Yep.
[Hank Hill] [sighs] Yep.
Whoa, Hank.
Whatever's eating at you, don't take it out on us.
Well, I'm sorry for the short fuse, fellas.
Me and Peggy were just havin' some money discussions.
[all murmuring]
Hello, gentlemen. Would you like to try
John Redcorn's Red Corn?
- [all] Mm! - [Boomhauer] Oh, man.
That's some dang ol' good stuff, man.
You got yourself some mighty good corn here, John Redcorn.
Nancy would love this. Have you given it to her yet?
I've been giving it to Nancy for quite some time.
[kernel plops]
How much have you sold so far?
None.
Invasive pigs have ravaged most of my land.
You know what kind of hogs can't eat crops?
The dead kind.
Well, I read that the best way to take care of a feral hog problem
is actually trapping them.
'Course you'd say that, Hank, 'cause you can't shoot.
This isn't about whether or not I can shoot.
- You can't! Wingo! - You right, man.
This is about how to best help John Redcorn.
Maybe you can help me mend the fences and set traps too.
Well, that sounds good.
There's no shame in gathering while the other men hunt.
- [Hank] Hm. - Nice burn, JR.
♪
[♪ upbeat guitar music playing]
According to hundreds of reviews, this trap is perfect
- for catching up to 50 hogs a day. - [gun firing]
[Boomhauer] Dang man, mow 'em down, mow 'em down!
- [gunshot, pig squealing] - [Dale Gribble] Nailed it!
- [Bill Dauterive] That's 51! - [Hank sighs]
Uh, there's a money-back guarantee on this.
♪
[indistinct chatter]
It's just a first date with Connie.
Be cool!
Wow, this is nice.
I thought I couldn't "Handel" classical music,
but it was on my "Chopin Liszt."
[laughs] I take that "Bach."
[Connie yawns]
[laughing] Sorry. Frasier's been on Netflix.
No, no, no, it-- it was funny.
I'm just tired from pulling all-nighters this week.
Oh, I get it. Last night I stayed up
until 2:00 a.m. peeling garlic.
[sniffing] I don't smell, do I?
- I showered twice. - [chimes ding]
This concerto is supposed to be great,
according to the Beethoven subreddit.
The composer. Not the movie about the dog.
That movie subreddit gets surprisingly nasty.
"Concerto in D."
I learned this right before I stopped playing in middle school.
You don't play violin anymore?
- I don't. - Oh.
Did not know that.
This is one of the longest violin concertos ever written.
Did not know that either.
- [♪ classical music playing] - [Bobby snoring]
- [attendee] Quiet! - [continues snoring]
- [gasps] - Shh!
[meat sizzling]
Nothing like fresh harvested pork.
Bill, I didn't think you were gonna get that last one.
That had to be a 200-yard shot.
My trick is I don't shoot where the pig is,
I shoot where the pig is going to be.
That's called hunting, Bill.
Hank, why don't you grill up the pigs you caught in your trap?
Oh, that's right, there are none. [laughing]
It was good doing something together.
I haven't had this much fun since...
No reason we can't do it every weekend.
There are plenty of farms with plenty more pigs to shoot.
Yeah, man, like 'em dang ol' Ikigai, the intersecting circles, man.
Do what you love, never gonna work a dang ol' day in your life, man.
You really think we can make it a business, Boomhauer?
Well, it's a better idea than your Uber for dogs.
If a dog can guide a man across the street,
why can't he drive a car?!
Wait, your idea was for the dog to--
[sighs] Never mind.
If you're serious about this, my advice is for you to take your time
and build it slow and steady.
Like I was tellin' Peggy when we were trying to figure out
where to invest our extra money.
- [Dale sipping loudly] - Uh...
- Hank has money! - Yeah, Hank,
you could invest in Boomhauer's idea.
Yeah, man, you got that dang ol' nest egg, man.
Sure, sure, we'll talk about it at the next meeting of Hill Family Inc.
Hey, who wants some ribs?
Mm, tasty.
♪
Talkin' 'bout two years, man, to get ol' red, red to black, man.
Gonna be cash positive already, man,
return on the dang ol' investment, man. Angel.
What the hell is going on?
Hank, Boomhauer is making a pitch
for his hog-killing business. Quiet.
I told him I was gonna talk to you about it.
Well, he beat you to it.
So now, I am considering investing my half of our money, Hank.
My half and your half?
That's not how we do our investments.
Investing isn't like raising a child.
You can't just make it up as you go along.
Well, Hank, he has a reasonable cost structure for equipment,
a sound profit projection based on the population growth of pigs in Texas,
and low employee costs:
Dale and Bill.
This is our retirement money we're talkin' about.
How 'bout we let someone at our bank decide?
They have a bit more know-how than both of us.
Fine.
♪
So, Mr. Coleman, we came to you because we knew you'd be able to tell us
if this was a bad idea or a horrible, horrible idea.
I'm glad you came to me. I've gone over the papers.
- Yeah? - [Kevin Coleman] I think this
is a great business idea and a sound investment.
- Exactl-- Wait, what? - Hoyeah!
Hoyeah, man, that ol' hoyeah, man.
Well, if it's such a great idea, why don't you invest in it?
- Well, you make a good point. - See, that's what I thought.
- I'll go in with you as a partner. - [Peggy and Hank] You will?
I'll help you make the business connections you need.
This seems to be moving way too fast.
Yeah, man, you talkin' 'bout puttin' that money
where your dang ol' mouth is, man. You got a dang ol' deal, man.
There's room for one more hand, Hank.
We would be a great team.
You know, every team needs a guy to watch the team from the stands
without putting his money in.
Go, team.
♪
[speaker] [over video call] I love it, yes!
[Peggy Hill] Then, it's unanimous.
The name of the company will be "Boar No More."
[group chattering]
Uh, Peggy, who is this person? And why is everyone in our kitchen?
I'm Cindy Carrington, Community Development.
I'm excited to share I've already lined up two farms as your first clients.
Oh, no, I'm not-- Wow.
Well, even though you have a very strong handshake, I, uh--
this isn't-- I-I'm not investing in the company.
Bill? You invested in this nonsense too?
Oh, I'm not an investor.
I'm in charge of field operations.
You know, shootin' stuff,
then hidin' any stuff we weren't supposed to shoot.
I'm a salaried employee.
Hard to make a salary when there's no money comin' in.
It's called deferred compensation, Hank.
- Okay, what that means is-- - I know what it means, Peggy.
- It means he's a glorified intern. - That is just not true.
- Bill, the creamer's low. - I'm on it!
Alright, so the purpose of this meeting is to discuss--
[Connor Feliz] [on laptop] Bup-bup! This is an executive session.
- Company officers only. - And who are you?
Sorry. Connor Feliz, Accounting.
Look, Connor from Accounting,
I don't know how to kick someone's ass over Zoom,
but I'll figure it out if you try to put me out of my own kitchen.
Hank, if you wanna stay, honey, there is still an opportunity
for you to invest in the company.
In exchange for my 30 years of exterminating experience,
I get stock options.
That's guaranteed money!
That's not how stock options work.
How do they work, Hank?
I have no idea, but it can't be that.
[sighs] I'll take my coffee outside.
- [Connor] Bup-bup-bup! I move that we-- - Oops.
♪
[Joseph Gribble] You slept together on the first date?
You're a legend!
No, bro, you're not listenin'.
We both fell asleep and got kicked out of the symphony.
- For having sex? - Joseph, come on, man.
Did you take your Adderall?
It was an awful first date, and I blew it.
- Okay, okay, I'm focused. - [phone buzzing]
Connie?
Hellooo?
[Connie Souphanousinphone] Hey, Bobby. First off, I wanna say,
I know last night wasn't the best first date.
Yeah, I kinda felt that too.
[Connie] We just need to figure out a good "us" date, you know?
I think I have a surprise you're gonna love.
Ask her if it's "that thang."
[Connie] Joseph, I can hear you.
- Then answer me! - [phone beeps]
[♪ tense guitar music playing]
Check this out, Hank. We already have equipment sponsors.
Equipment sponsors?
People are just givin' you free stuff?
Wow, Hank, you're red-hot with jealousy.
You got dang little F-O-M-O, man. I'm talkin' 'bout that FOMO, man.
I do not have F-O-M-O.
I just don't understand. Y'all haven't killed pig one yet.
Well, that is how business works, Hank.
We do not have to kill pigs to make money.
We just have to let people know how many pigs we plan on killing,
and then they are going to give us money today
for the pigs we kill tomorrow.
It is all in the prospectus.
♪
[Hank] I'm not taking this for myself.
I'm gonna run it past the most successful businessperson I know.
♪
You came to the right person, Ol' Top.
Are you sure this is a good time, sir?
I'm retired, Hank. I got nothing but time now.
- [treadmill beeping] - Walk with me, Hank.
So, what am I missing, Buck? How is this a good investment?
Yeah, well, I know the game they're playin',
and trust me, the odds are stacked against ya
more than at a Puerto Rican craps table.
Uh-uh, I wouldn't roll those dice, even if I loaded 'em myself.
This was the kind of advice I was lookin' for, sir.
Especially after they told me it was the last chance
to get in on the ground floor.
- [watch beeping rapidly] - Hmm.
How much is the buy-in?
Uh-- Uh... for you?
It's the same amount as you used to pay me in a year.
Well, that's nothin'.
Nothin' you wanna risk losing. [chuckles]
You just-- you just go on home and you tell your wife
you're passin' on their offer.
What are you gonna do, Hank?!
Uh, pass on their offer, sir.
200% projected growth in one year is too good to be true.
- [watch beeping rapidly] - Sir, are you okay?
You gotta go slower, Mr. Strickland.
Yeah, uh... [clears throat]
It just, you know, it makes my blood boil
to think a simple, honest man like you almost got fleeced.
Now, if you'll excuse me, it's time for my sponge bath.
[Hank shudders]
♪
Oh, good, you're all here.
Well, I appreciate the offer, but after talkin' with someone
who knows more about business than all of us combined,
I'm gonna pass again.
The shares are not available anymore, Hank.
- Really? - [Buck Strickland] Is that Hank?
Mr. Strickland?
You got the last shares?
But you told me it was too good to be true.
Hank, it's your own fault you seduced me
with your stories of dice, and odds, and craps.
Those were your words, sir.
Hank, this is a closed-door meetin' of investors.
You gotta go. Sergeant at arms!
Sorry, Hank. Nothin' personal.
♪
What the...?
- [Hank groans] - Peggy's husband is here.
[security] [over walkie] Yeah, let him in.
- [walkie chirps] - Follow me.
[birds chirping]
[♪ distant party music playing]
[engine shuts off]
[people chattering]
[crowd] Cheers!
- [Boomhauer] Cheers, man! - [Peggy] Here's to us!
To us, livin' high on the hog!
- [Dale] Good one, Buck! - [laughter and chatter]
Here's your celery stalk juice, Mr. Strickland.
- [Buck gulping] - [crowd] Oh! [laughing]
- [bottle clinking] - I'm happy to announce
that Boar No More has been acquired
by the biggest publicly-traded hog eradication company
in the Southwest,
- Pig Force Incorporated! - [crowd exclaiming]
How did you sell a two-week-old company in two days?
Oh, the company sold itself.
I didn't even have to lift my skirt.
Pig Force is buying up smaller companies all over the state.
Hank, isn't it great?
I have tripled our money, plus we all got shares in Pig Force Inc.
Honey, can you believe it?
They have gone up 20% since we sold!
Ah, man, talkin' 'bout dang ol' hot stock, man.
That good ol' dang man, that choo choo on that dang ol' gravy train, man.
Cha-cha-ching! That's what I say now.
- Get used to it. - Hank, isn't it great?
We're all going to be rich! Oh, except you.
Sorry, I'm just used to you being involved in what we do.
- [people gasping and cheering] - No, that's fine. I'm at peace with my--
It just went up another 2%!
Cha-cha-ching! Warned you.
As I was saying, I'm at peace with my decision.
I don't feel like I'm missing out.
- [car horn honking] - [Buck] Whoo, they're here!
Gifts for our company founders.
- Wingo! - Oh, goody!
- Gotdangit. - Ooh, man!
Talkin' 'bout dang ol' shiiit.
And here to present them, Pig Force celebrity spokesperson,
- Nolan Ryan! - The Ryan Express?!
These keys are for Peggy, Bill, Dale, and-- how do you say this?
Oh, talkin' 'bout dang ol' Boomhauer, man.
Dang ol' Boomhauer.
How did they get you to come here?
I invested in Pig Force stock. You'd be a damn fool not to.
- [people cheering] - It's gone up 10 more percent!
- Cha-cha-ching! - Hey, that's my thing.
And it's still goin'! [laughing] Yes!
[all] Go! Go! Go!
Oh, wow.
Is it possible that I am even better at investing than I thought?
I have to go to the bathroom.
And, honey, while you're in there, I will get Nolan Ryan
to sign a football for you.
[indistinct chatter]
[♪ curious music playing]
[sighs]
♪
Good ol' slow and steady.
[crowd] [continues chanting] Go! Go! Go! Go!
[faint chanting continues]
[♪ curious music continues]
[phone chimes]
[kids shouting]
[Connie] This is a fun surprise, right?
Sure!
Remember when we played in the bouncy house
at Mr. Dauterive's as kids?
[laughs] So fun!
I remember the creepy guy who sold us beer,
and I remember throwin' up.
Oh, yeah.
[kid laughing]
Why aren't you jumpin' higher?
I'm trying, kid. [chuckling] I'm just outta shape.
Are you a giant kid or a weird adult?
Neither. Go away.
I didn't think there'd be so many kids here.
As long as I'm with you, I'm having fun.
Let's see how high we can bounce. Come on, take my hand!
[♪ "Every Woman in the World" by Air Supply playing]
♪ You're every woman in the world to me ♪
♪ You're my fantasy-- ♪
- [kid grunting] - [Connie and Bobby] Whoa!
- [Connie] Ow! - Are you okay?
[gags]
- [Connie groaning] - Oh my goodness, Connie!
[indistinct chatter]
[sighs] Are we still chanting?
No, Hank, we are not.
- [concerned chatter] - [Bill sobbing]
Shiiit.
[Bill whimpers]
Wall Street's sayin' traditional pig eradication companies are out.
So, all our investors are bailing like ticks on a drownin' dog.
- What does that mean? - Ticks can't breathe underwater, Hank.
It means the company's stock is worthless!
Bwaah!
Oh, well, win some, lose some.
Thanks for the fun, guys.
I guess you made the right play this time, Ol' Top.
♪
She's being sedated to help with the pain. Can I ask you a few ques--
Her legal name is Kahn Souphanousinphone, Jr.
She's allergic to celery, sulfites, and cats.
Her blood type is B positive. Her first menstruation was--
Uh, are you next of kin?
Actually, we just started dating.
Wanna guess how it's going?
I see.
Why don't you go down to the cafeteria before it closes?
That's a good idea.
Oh, before you go, for her weight, you put "None of my business."
I know a trap when I see one.
♪
Peggy, there's somethin' I need to tell you.
I know I often invoke "The Tortoise and the Hare,"
but the truth is, when that story was written,
the tortoise didn't have the power to throw his nest egg away
with a click of a "Buy Shares" button
because he'd watched his slow friends make fast money.
Are you saying you bought stock in Pig Force?
- Yes. - Right before it crashed?
It was almost like I caused it.
- Oh, Hank. - I know.
And I'm sorry that because of me, we've lost our money.
To make it up, I can hold off on buying the new jeans I wanted.
Hank, we did not lose it all.
I sold my shares before the stock crashed.
You did? Why?
Well, when we sold the company to Pig Force,
I heard your voice in my head saying it was all happening too fast.
I also heard you say... [imitating Hank] "Uh, Peggy?
You still have to pay insurance on those trucks."
[normal] But the point is, Hank,
I made the right decision because of you.
I guess we do make a good team.
But that's not what my voice sounds like.
Where are you going?
Well, I recollect there being two clients
that never got their pig problem solved.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think a company
should do what it says it's gonna do.
If you need me, I'll be out trappin' hogs.
And I greatly respect that.
But to be clear, you are not owed any compensation
from me or any company I am affiliated with.
[people chattering]
Aw! Is all this
- for your little brother or sister? - What?
[laughing] Oh! No.
These are for my girlfriend.
She's not a kid.
I see. Cash or card?
I was hopin' this would make her feel better,
but maybe I know 12-year-old Connie
better than 21-year-old Connie. [sighs]
There's a connection problem.
I think you're right. What if all our connections now
are just memories of the connection we had when we were younger?
No, the credit card. Connection problem.
Take it out, rub the back on your shirt, and try it again.
- Oh. - [register beeps]
There it goes. All set.
I guess so.
[♪ gentle music playing]
Connie, I think I know why our dates have been terrible.
We've been trying to have somethin' we had when we were kids
and, uh, maybe we don't have it now, and--
- [crying] No! - What's wrong?
Wait, are you breaking up with me
while I'm in the hospital dying?!
No! No, no, that's not what I meant.
I was saying the adult versions of ourselves
might not have the same connection.
What if you only like the husky 12-year-old version of me
that played wooden spoons on his belly?
[laughing] I loved that Bobby.
But I really like this... you Bobby now.
I don't even know what I wanna do.
But you, you're the bravest person I know,
because you knew exactly what you wanted to do,
and you are doing it.
So, do you like the me Bobby now as a--
- [Connie kissing, moaning] - [Bobby moaning]
[Bobby gasps]
That was amazing.
Get that cute butt in my bed!
I wanna do weird stuff with you.
- Weird stuff to you. - [Bobby chuckles]
Ah, I feel so good.
Nurse! Another round of this.
How about we just talk?
Is that pudding?
[laughing] You know it.
What was that stuff you stayed up all night
studying for before the symphony?
There's cool stuff called quantum dot emitters.
The shit they're doing in Korea with it? [mimics explosion]
That's exactly how I feel about the stuff I'm trying with kimchi and samgyeopsal.
Bob! Let's go to South Korea!
[laughing] That sounds like a date.
- [chuckles] Oh. - Oh, ow.
- Mm. - Ooh, sorry.
♪
[hog snorting]
[squealing]
[hogs snorting]
It's working.
[hogs snorting]
It's working too well.
[engines revving]
[Dale] Woo-hoo!
- [Bill] We got your six, Hank! - [Dale laughing]
[Boomhauer] Yeah, man, we got your six, man.
- [Bill] You guys got it! - [Boomhauer] Yeah, man!
- [engines revving] - [hogs squealing]
[♪ exciting music playing]
[engines shut off]
[♪ gentle music playing]
We couldn't let you have all the fun.
Besides, you're a terrible shot.
Well, now that you guys are out here, we've got one more job to do.
Hop in, you sexy tortoise!
[John Redcorn] And now that my land is wild hog free,
John Redcorn's Texas-Grown Red Corn
will have a projected operating profit margin of 38%.
So, Hills, what do you say?
What does the Hill Family Inc. CFO say?
After all, she's the reason we still have dividends left to invest.
She says it is time Hill Family Inc. got into bed with John Redcorn.
Uh, John Redcorn's Red Corn. The corn.
She means the business, not you.
I just want to be very clear.
[♪ "Yahoos and Triangles" by The Refreshments playing]
- ♪ Yee-haw! ♪ - ♪ Wa-hoo! ♪
[♪ song ends]
[birds chirping]
- [golf club thumps] - [crowd cheering]
♪
- [Peggy] Bill, the creamer's low. - [Bill] I'm on it!
[♪ fanfare playing]