(Soft music)
- [Ms. Berry] W-o-r-k.
Today we're going to share what our parents do for...
- [Children] Work!
- [Ms. Berry] Work!
- My mommy is a doctor.
- My daddy is a truck driver.
- My mom's a teacher.
- And your dad?
- My dad...
- A liar?
Oh, I'm sure you don't mean a liar. (Chuckles)
- Well, he wears a suit and goes to court
and talks to the judge.
- Oh! Oh! I see.(Chuckles)
You mean he's a lawyer.
(Soft music)
- [Chris] Hey, Fletcher. - How'd it go in there?
- Just another victory for the wrongly accused.
- Yeah right.
(Fletcher laughs)
- Mr. Reede, great job sir. - Do you want your coat back?
- No, I'm sure you'll be needing it again and again.
- Mr. Reede, do you have a moment?
- I'm sorry, I'm very late. - It's my day to be with my son.
- A couple of reporters wanna talk to you
about your big win today.
- Oh, yeah? How's my hair?
- Fabulous. You look great.
(Soft music)
(Max gasps)
(Upbeat music)
(Soft music)
- What time is it?
- I'm sure your dad just got held up in court again.
(Soft music)
(Car engine revving)
- Dad!
- Maximilian!
(Soft music)
How you doing, creep?
(Fletcher grunts)
- Me too, except my arm has really been bothering me lately.
- (Chuckles) Oh, no, dad!
- Oh, yeah!
It's becoming a claw!
(Fletcher growling) (Max laughing)
Nothing can stop the claw! (Growls)
(Max laughing)
Run, boy! Run! Save yourself! (Growls)
- Do the claw to mom, dad! Do the claw to mom!
- Uh-oh! You found the claw's only weakness.
Sub-zero temperatures! (Squeals)
(Max laughs)
- So, did you have any trouble finding the place?
- Okay, I'm late. I'm sorry. I ran out of gas.
The Gauge is broken or something.
Rough neighborhood, too.
It's a good thing I was wearing neutral gang colors.
I might've had to pull out my nine and bust a cap.
J“ with my mind on my money and my money on my mind j“
- well, they would never hurt you, Fletcher,
you're their lawyer.
- Oh! That was below the belt. Try keep the gloves up.
- Mom, dad's taking me to see wrestling!
- (Scoffs) Fletcher!
- (Scoffs) Audrey!
- Why do you have to take him to see that stuff?
It's very violent.
- The boy must grow to be a warrior.(Snarls)
Who better to guide him than Rick rude
and Randy "macho-man" savage in the cage of death?
(Car honking)
Good!
- [Max] Jerry, how's it going?
- Hey, gipper! Look at you.
You look like you grow by the minute!
- Fletcher, pleasure to see you.
- Hey.
- Hi, honey!
- Wow, that was a nice image. Deleted. (Groans)
- I have some more boxes for you.
- Oh! You're an angel.
- Boxes? - Yeah.
Remember? I told you a few weeks ago.
Jerry's moving to Boston on Friday.
- Oh, right! The job, the thing... what do you do again?
- Hospital administrator.
- Right! Right!
- Well, the boxes are in my car.
- Oh, those can wait.
I made this young man a promise, didn't I?
Got time to throw a few?
- Sure!
- Come on, then! (Laughs)
- I forgot the boyfriend was moving.
- Jerry! His name is Jerry! - And yes, he's moving.
- I'm sorry, I hated him a lot less
than your other boyfriends, it wasn't serious, was it?
- Semi-serious, yes.
- You guys aren't, you know... (Grunts)
- I've been dating him for seven months. What do you think?
- Really? Ew!
I was hoping after being married to me
you'd have no strength left.
- Well, you have to remember that when we were married,
I wasn't having sex nearly as often as you were?
- Ouch!
And the ref takes a point away.
- Yeah. - Oh! Oh! And out!
- Yeah! Whoo!
- Max is gonna miss him.
- I'll be here.
- [Jerry] Ready?
(Soft music)
Yeah!
Play ball.
- Max, come on. We've gotta go.
- Dad, are we really going to wrestling?
- Absolutely, Max factor.
We just have to stop by the office for a minute.
- Excuse me, sir. Any spare change?
- Oh, I'm sorry. I'm all out.
- I can't do it.
- Fred, it's your duty to present
the strongest case possible.
- The strongest case possible consistent with the truth.
- Will you let the judge decide what's true?
That's what he gets paid for. You get paid to win.
- If you insist that I take it to trial,
I will represent Mrs. Cole aggressively and ethically,
but, Miranda, I won't lie.
(Soft music)
- Then we'll just have to find someone who will.
(Elevator bell dings)
- 215t floor. Men's wear.
(Max chuckles)
(Soft music)
- Hi, Mr. Reede!
- Whoa! Hey.
Did you do something to your hair?
- (Laughs) It's a bit extreme, isn't it?
- No! I mean that's... that's the thing nowadays, right?
- Well, he said it would accent my facial features.
- Well, that's what it does!
It completely accents your facial features.
We're just gonna go to my office now.(Coughs)
(Fletcher chuckles)
- Hey, Fletcher.
- Hey, Pete. You losing a little weight?
- I don't know. Maybe.
- Looks and personality. - A double-threat guy.
- Hey, Mr. Reede. - Hey, man.
- It's Randy.
- Yeah, I know.
- Taking lunch orders Mr. Reede. Anything?
- No, thanks.
I had so much for breakfast, I'm just about ready to pop.
I mean, I'm full.
Great.
(Soft music)
- Max!
- Hi, Greta.
- Hey, what's new?
- Well, it's my birthday's tomorrow,
and we're having a party and everything.
- Wow! I am sure that your daddy
has got you something wonderful.
- Yeah! You bet! (Laughs)
Listen, kiddo, why don't you go
play in my office for a minute?
Sue somebody for everything they've got.
Maybe you can send a fax to one of your girlfriends.
Hey, sorry.
(Door slams)
Damn it! I completely forgot.
- Oh. What a surprise?
- You are a Saint. I should buy you a gift.
- You did.
- I always do the classy thing. Any calls?
- Judge rollins' clerk he needs your filing.
- Tell him it's in the mail.
- Right, you'll do it next week.
Mr. McKinley phoned to confirm your meeting tomorrow.
- Strep throat. No, some kind of virus, what's going around?
- Asian flu?
- Good one.
- And your mother called.
- I'm on vacation.
- It's your fifth week.
- Snowed in, phones are down.
- Break mother's heart. Done.
Now, that's it, except Miranda's looking for you.
(Fletcher groans)
- How much ass do I have to kiss
to make partner in this damn place?
Tell her I broke my leg and had to be shot.
- Why don't you tell her yourself?
- And then send out a notice of judgment on my win today!
- I'll get right on it.
- Miranda! Hey, I didn't see you. You look beautiful today.
Here! I bought you a gift.
- Oh! Thanks. I heard about your victory, congratulations.
You know, you're making quite an impression
on the partnership committee.
- Oh, that's right! You folks are meeting again soon.
I've just been keeping myself so busy,
I haven't even thought about it. (Laughs)
Anyway, I have a client in my office.
Better not keep him waiting.
- Actually, Fletcher,
something rather important has just come up.
You're not busy tonight, are you?
(Door creaking)
(Soft music)
(Fletcher grunts)
- We're not going, are we?
(Soft music)
(Drink pouring)
(Soft music)
- Audrey, you know how there are moments in life
that you know are critical.
And choices that have to be made,
upon which all one's future happiness will depend?
Well, this is one of those moments.
- What are you trying to say?
(Soft music)
- Will you marry me?
- You're moving. - I know.
I'm moving to Boston, but I want
you and Max to come with me.
Audrey, I've been giving this a lot of thought.
And you know I'm not prone to wild,
spontaneous flights of romantic fancy. (Chuckles)
But the thought of you and I together
just makes too much sense to ignore.
Now, I'm ready, I think you're ready,
I love Max, you love Max, it's right, it fits. (Chuckles)
So what do you say?
(Soft music)
(Audrey chuckles)
(Birds chirping)
(Keyboard clanking)
(Fletcher sighs)
(Machine beeps)
(Fletcher sighs)
(Printer bleeps)
- Hey, creepy. Happy birthday.
How old are you now, 22, 23?
- I'm five, dad.
Return the beer keg.
Cancel the dancing girls.
(Max laughs)
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
I feel completely unprepared for this.
You see, I bought you a present, but last night,
I accidentally swallowed it.
- Dad, it's in your belly!
- Scalpel.
I hope it's not partially digested!
Look out!(Groans)
- What is it?
- It's a surprise.
All right, it's a pony. Just open it!
I'm gonna help, 'cause I can't stand it!
(Paper rustling)
- Baseball stuff!
Can we play? I'll be nomo.
You can be Jose canseco. Can we play dad? Can we play?
- Absolutely.
- (Chuckles) Right after your party tonight,
we'll do it, you and me.
I just have to really concentrate on this right now.
(Soft music)
(Keyboard clanking)
(Printer whirring)
(Soft music)
(Car honking)
(Soft music)
Happy birthday.
- Thanks, mom.
- Happy birthday, Max!(Chuckles)
One, two, three, four, five, and one for good luck!
- He struck the child. Did you see that?
- Look at what dad got me!
- Whoa!
Great!
Hey, you know what, I have my glove in the car.
Maybe we can stop at the park
on the way home and play catch.
And then tonight we can rub oil in it
and wrap a big rubber band around it.
It'll be great. Hey, great gift, dad!
- Thanks, son.
I'm so glad my gift could bring those two together.
My plan to phase myself out is almost complete.
- Something's come up, and we need to talk.
- Come on, mom. I wanna go play!
- And, actually, it's kind of important,
so maybe we could talk tonight?
- Tonight?
- Yes. Max's birthday party.
- Oh! Yeah. Sure, of course.
We'll talk then. Great!
(Soft music)
Maximus! I'm outta here.
- Bye, dad.
- Jerry, enjoy my wife.
(Fletcher laughs)
(Soft music)
- Well,
this is good, this is really smart.
- Thank you.
- Only, well, it's not true, I mean,
does that present a problem?
- Mrs. Cole, the only problem here
is that after you've provided years of faithful service
and loving support of raising his children...
They are his?
- Oh, yeah, yeah. One for sure.
- After all that, your husband want to denying you
a fair share of the marital assets,
based on one single act of indiscretion.
- Seven.
- Pardon me?
- Seven single acts of indiscretion.
- Seven acts of indiscretion,
only one of which he has any evidence of,
and all of which he himself is responsible for.
- He is?
- Mrs. Cole.
You're the victim here.
The wife of a cold, distant workaholic.
Starved for affection. Driven into the arms of another man!
- Seven. - Yeah. Whatever!
You're not trying to denying him what is rightfully his.
All you're insisting on is what is rightfully yours.
- Yeah - and maybe a fraction more.
I think you're bending over backwards.
Well, I did offer to give him joint custody of the kids.
He is, after all, a wonderful father.
- And how does he repay you?
By dragging you through a painful litigation process!
No! No! No! No! This can't happen!
With all due respect,
this isn't about you and Mr. Cole anymore.
This is about all women.
Where would Tina Turner be right now,
if she'd rolled over and said,
"hit me again, ike, and put some stank on it."
Rolling on the river, that's where she'd be.
But she's beyond thunder dome,
because she decided to send a message.
Wake up, sisters!
There's no
such thing as a weaker sex!
- Oh! (Panting)
You know what? You're right, Mr. Reede.
I am tired of getting kicked around!
- Good for you!
- Thank you,
I am so grateful
to have an attorney I can trust.
(Fletcher exclaims)
(Footsteps thumping)
(Door creaking)
- Oh, you are good.
(Laughs) You are very, very good.
You know, the Cole case is worth a
truckload of money to this firm.
If you win, I guarantee you'll make partner.
- Oh.
- In fact,
how would you like to make
a partner right now?
- Oh, I don't know, I mean, I should...
(Both grunting)
(Fletcher groans)
F happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy j“
j“ I'm so happy today j“
j“ I live in the u.S.A j“
- so, honey, have you...
Have you thought about, you know, what we talked about?
- Yeah. - Great.
- I can't go.
- What? Why not?
- Well, because of Max.
- Oh, but he'll love it there.
I'm gonna take him to Fenway park.
There's hiking and camping and...
- Well, really, it's Fletcher.
- Fletcher? I mean, come on, honey.
He wouldn't even come over unless you reminded him.
- Well, I know, but when he does come over, Max is so happy.
I mean, it's like they have their own little world together.
- The gipper and I have that, too!
- Well, I know, but it's different.
- How?
- Well...
He does the claw.
- The what?
- The claw.
You know, it's like this...
I don't... (Growls)
Run for your life. It's the claw! The claw!
Well, I can't really do it that good.
Anyway, that's not the point.
The point is...
(Phone ringing)
If they're 3,000 miles apart,
they'll never gonna see each other.
I mean, Fletcher is never gonna come to Boston.
(Phone ringing)
- [Fletcher] Audrey?
- Fletcher! Fletcher! Where are you? We are waiting for you.
Max won't cut the cake until you get here.
- Oh, man!
Actually, something has come up.
I've got this problem on a new case!
- What happened?
- Nothing!
I stubbed my toe on the desk!
Listen, I'm really sorry, but I just can't make it.
The boss is really riding me.
- Oh, Fletcher, it's his birthday!
- I know, I know. I'll make it up to him, I promise.
I'll pick him up from school tomorrow, okay.
- You're gonna pick him up?
- Yes! Yes!
- All right, well, hold on a minute.
I'll get him, you can say, "happy birthday".
- No! Gotta go! Good-bye. (Groans)
(Glass clanking)
J“ happy birthday to you j“
j“ happy birthday, dear Max j“
j“ happy birthday to you j“
(all applauding)
- Okay, birthday boy. Make a wish.
(Soft music)
Come on, Max. It can be anything you want.
Anything in the whole world.
(Soft music)
Max,
your father is sorry, he had to work.
- He said he was gonna be here. He promised.
- I know, I know, but he promises
that he is gonna see you tomorrow, okay.
He's gonna pick you up from school. All right?
So, come on.
Make a wish.
(Soft music)
- I wish that for only one day, dad couldn't tell a lie.
(All applauding)
(Ominous music)
(Clock ticking)
(Ominous music)
- That was incredible.
Was it good for you? (Giggles)
- I've had better.
(Ominous music)
(Door creaking)
(Fletcher gasps)
(Ominous music)
"I've had better?"
(Alarm buzzing)
"I've had better?"
(Soft music)
(Laughs) "I've had better."
(Soft music)
(Fletcher laughs)
(Elevator bell dings)
(Soft music)
- New in the building?
- Yeah, I just moved in Monday.
- Oh! You like it so far?
- Everybody's been real nice.
- Well, that's because you have big jugs.
I mean, your boobs are huge.
I mean, I want to squeeze them.(Gasps)
Mama.
(Punch pounding)
(Elevator bell dings)
(Soft music)
- Any change, mister?
- Absolutely.
- Could you spare some?
- Yes, I could.
- Will you? How come?
- Because I believe you will buy booze with it!
I just wanna get from my car to the office
without being confronted by the decay of western society.
Plus, I'm cheap!(Gasps)
- Jerk-off!
(Soft music)
(Door slams)
(Soft music)
(Briefcase thuds)
(Soft music)
- You look like you're having a rough morning.
- Ding, ding, ding! What do we have for her, Johnny?
- Dana.
- All right Samantha, how much will it take
to put an end to all this?
- 50% of your estate.
- (Scoffs) 50%?
With a prenup and proof of adultery? What's your case?
- Our case is simply this.
(Soft music)
(Fletcher mumbles)
(Fletcher splutters)
(Fletcher grunts)
(Fletcher muttering)
- I can't stand this.
(Fletcher panting)
- Very funny, Fletcher!
You wanna play hardball? I'm game.
- “You wanna play hardball? I'm game."
- What are you doing? - What is wrong with you?
- All rise for the honorable judge, Marshall Stevens.
- Honorable! (Scoffs)
- Good morning.
Call case number bd09395.
Samantha Cole versus Richard Cole.
How are we doing this morning, counsel?
- Fine. Thank you.
- And you, Mr. Reede?
- I'm a little upset about a bad
sexual episode I had last night.
- Well, you're still young. - It'll happen more and more.
In the meantime, what do you say we get down to business?
First, Mr. Reede, I see where your client...
- You honor, I would like a continuance!
- This case has already been delayed
several times, Mr. Reede.
- I realize that, your honor,
but I would really, really, really, like a continuance.
- I'll have to hear a good cause, counsel.
What's the problem?
(Ominous music)
- I can't lie!
- Commendable, Mr. Reede, but I'm waiting
to hear good cause, now, do you have one or not?
- Not.
- Motion for continuance denied.
(Gavel pounds)
Is there any chance of a settlement in this case?
- I don't think so, your honor,
my client has offered Mrs. Cole $2.4 million,
but Mr. Reede has made it
abundantly clear that he has no desire...
- Settle! Settle! Settle! Settle! Settle!
- I don't want to settle. - You should settle.
- Mr. Reede, you convinced me yesterday,
I'm the victim here, I'm starved for affection,
I'm driven into the arms of another man.
- Seven! - Yeah, whatever.
With the story you came up with, I don't think we can lose.
I want to proceed.
- Mrs. Cole, you don't understand.
- Mr. Reede. Do we have a settlement?
- No!
(Soft music)
No, your honor.
- There's no settlement.
Trial to commence, 1:30 sharp.
(Gavel pounds)
(Fletcher exclaims)
(Soft music)
(Door creaking)
(Fletcher yells)
(Elevator bell dings)
(Soft music)
- It was me!
(Soft music)
- Hi, Mr. Reede! Like the new dress?
- Whatever takes the focus off your head.
- What's up, Fletcher?
- Your cholesterol, fatty! Dead man walking!
- Hey Fletcher! - Hey!
You're not important enough to remember.
- What's it gonna be, Mr. Reede?
- A pockmark, eventually!
Don't ask! For god's sakes, don't ask.
All right. You can beat this.
It's all a matter of willpower!
A test.
Something small.
(Fletcher yells)
Red.
All right? Now, focus.
The color of this pen is... (Stutters)
(Fletcher chuckles)
The color of this pen is...(Squeals)
(Grunts) The color of the pen that I hold in my hand is
royal blue!
(Fletcher panting)
One lie, and I can't say it!
I'll write it.
(Ominous music)
(Fletcher grunting)
(Ominous music)
(Fletcher grunting)
Write it! Write it, or I'll break it off!
(Ominous music)
(Fletcher laughs)
Ah! No!
Come on!
Stop it.
(Ominous music)
(Fletcher groaning)
(Fletcher thuds)
- Boss? What happened?
(Ominous music)
- The pen is blue. The pen is blue.
The goddamn pen is blue!
(Pen clanking)
- Mr. Reede, are you all right?
- I gotta go home.
- Home? Was the case settled?
- No! I have to be in court at 1:30!
- Then how are you going to go home?
- I don't know. I don't know!
Mr. Reede, rubin and Dunn called.
They need to know where the darvis settlement offer stands.
- I just proposed a settlement to dick with them! (Gasps)
- “Dick with them. "Got it.
And your mother called, are you still on vacation?
- No.
- Then you're here?
- Yes.
- Thank you for clearing that up, sir.
And your ex-wife called, she wants to know
when you're coming to pick up your son.
- Oh! I'm such a shit!
(Phone ringing)
(Car engine revving)
- Audrey?
- Fletcher, hi, are you still
picking Max up from school today?
- Here's the thing. I really can't!
I had a case I certain would settle,
and it didn't, and I have to go to court this afternoon.
- Right.
- It's true! I really wanna see Max today!
How about that? I really do.
- But things just keep coming up at the last minute, right?
- Yes, but this time it's different.
- I see. And how is that?
- Now I'm telling the truth.
- And last night you weren't. - No
- well, what were you doing?
- Having sex!
- Well, I hope that it was with someone very special.
- No! See, that's the thing.
I don't even like her, but she's a partner
and I thought I could help my career by making her squeal.
(Fletcher exclaims)
(Phone clanking)
- Oh!
(Ominous music)
- What's wrong with me?
I'm getting what I deserve.
I'm reaping what I sow. I'm...
(Fletcher groans)
(Soft music)
(Children muttering)
- Is dad still picking me up?
- No, Max, he's not.
I'm sorry.
But I'm gonna pick you up, okay. I'll work it out.
- I guess my wish didn't come true.
- What wish?
- I wished that for just one day dad couldn't tell a lie.
(Bell ringing)
(Soft music)
- Max?
I have something important I wanna talk to you about, okay.
(Soft music)
(Phone ringing)
- Audrey, let me explain. - Something has happened to me.
- Well, something else is about to happen to you, Fletcher.
Max and I are moving to Boston.
- What?
- Jerry has asked me to marry him, and Max and I
are going with him this weekend to look at houses.
- I thought it was semi-serious!
- Yeah, well, it's just been given
a violent shove into serious.
- You can't move to Boston, I'll never see Max!
- Well, then you'll have pretty much
the same relationship you have with him now, won't you?
- Where are you?
- [Audrey] I'm going home.
- When you get there, just stay there.
I'm coming over. We have to talk.
- Fletcher! - I'll be right there.
(Phone clanking)
(Upbeat music)
- La, la, la, la, la, la!
(Fletcher mumbles)
(Elevator bell dings)
(Upbeat music)
- Fletcher! - Holy hell!
(Upbeat music)
(Door creaking)
- You can run, but you can't hide.
(Upbeat music)
(Car wheels screeching)
- What's your problem, schmuck?
- I'm an inconsiderate prick!(Screams)
(Upbeat music)
(Fletcher groans)
(Car engine revving)
(Upbeat music)
(Car wheels screeching)
(Upbeat music)
(Siren wailing)
Shit!
(Siren wailing)
Shit!
(Footsteps thumping)
- You know why I pulled you over?
- Depends on how long you were following me. (Groans)
- Why don't we just take it from the top?
- Here it goes.
I sped, I followed too closely, I ran a stop sign,
I almost hit a Chevy, I sped some more,
I failed to yield at a crosswalk.
I changed lanes at the intersection,
I changed lanes without signaling
while running a red light and speeding!
- Is that all?
- No.
I have unpaid parking tickets.(Groans)
Be gentle.
(Soft music)
Audrey! Wait!
(Soft music)
Wait, Audrey. Oh!
Hold on. Wait! Wait!
- Wait? Wait? I just had an insight into myself, I'm crazy.
You call me up and say,
"wait, right there. I'll be right over."
And here's the crazy part, I actually wait.
- I can explain this though.
- I have missed a department meeting. I have...
- Did you come here in a cab? - Yes!
- Where's your car?
(Ominous music)
- Thank you! I can't tell you how much this means to me.
- I can. $1,654.11.
- How do you sleep at night?
(Paper rustling)
I'm taking this.
(Car wheels screeching)
(Footsteps thumping)
You scratched my car!
- Where?
- Right there!
- Oh, that.
That was already there.
- Why, you...
You liar!
You know what I'm gonna do about this?
- What? - Nothing!
Because if I take you to small-claims court,
it will just drain 8 hours of my life,
and you probably won't show up,
and if I finally got the judgment,
you'll just stiff me anyway,
so what I'm gonna do, is piss and moan like an impotent jerk
and then bend over and take it up the tailpipe!
- You been here before, haven't you?
(Keys clanking)
- Well, I can't remember when I've had more fun,
but if you'll excuse me, I have a class.
- Are you marrying this guy because you're mad at me?
- No, I divorced you because I was mad at you.
- Audrey, wait. I wanna talk about this!
- Really, what do you wanna say?
- Is this guy right for you? - I mean, he is so not me!
- Yes! That's one of his best qualities.
- Yeah, but he's kind of Magoo. I'm sorry.
- You're wrong, I mean, sometimes,
maybe yes, he is a little...
- Magoo!
- Yes, but since we've been going out... oh, my god.
I'm not having this conversation with you.
- Audrey, you can't go. This is not fair.
- Fair? Oh, okay. Let's define "fair," shall we?
Last night a 5 year old boy was crushed,
because his father lied to him
about coming to his birthday party, fair?
- Last night...
- Was none of my business. - Thank you.
- None of my business.
Two years ago, it was my business, but see,
I don't have to care about that anymore.
I don't care, that's the magic of divorce,
but it matters to Max!
Everything you do, matters to Max,
and everything you don't do.
- All right, now let me tell you something.
I'm a bad father!
I mean...
(Soft music)
I'm a bad father.
(Soft music)
- You're not a bad father, when you show up.
- What if I come over right after
court light-out and play ball with Max?
Then you and I can sit down and talk
before you make any rash decisions!
- No, we are leaving tonight.
- Please Audrey, give me one more chance.
I'm throwing myself on the mercy of the court.
I lost you, but please, don't make me lose Max, too.
Give me a chance to be the father I started out to be.
(Soft music)
- (Sighs) You're really coming?
- This is ironclad.
This is the mother of all promises. What time?
- (Laughs) Okay, 6:00.
- 10 to 6:00.(Laughs) - All right.
All right, all right, all right,
but if I tell Max that you're coming, and you don't show up,
and I have to see that look on his face,
that heartbreaking look,
we're going to Boston.
(Car engine revving)
- If I don't show up, I'll pack you myself.
I will lovingly wrap your knickknacks with bubble paper.
- I hope so.
Do you know what your son was doing at 8:15 last night?
He was making a birthday wish, that for just one day
his father couldn't tell a lie.
(Car engine revving)
(Ominous music)
- Oh, my god! That's it!
- “I do not like them, Sam I am."
"I do not like green eggs and ham.“
"would you like them here or there?"
"I would not like them..."
- Excuse me.
Hi. I'm Max's bad father. I'm his father.
- Dad!
- Could I borrow him for just one second?
Monster Max!
- Dadzilla! You came to play catch?
- I'd like to, but I can't right now.
Max, I gotta talk to you.
Your mommy told me about that wish
you made last night, it came true, Max.
- Really, you mean you have to tell the truth?
- Yes. - No matter what?
- No matter what!
- Is wrestling real?
- In the Olympics, yes. On channel 23, no.
- Will sitting too close to the TV set make me go blind?
- Not in a million years.
- If I keep making this face, will it get stuck that way?
- In fact, some people make a good living that way.
(Soft music)
Now listen, Max, you gotta do something for me.
I need you to take back that wish.
- So you can lie?
- Yes.
- But not to you, you see, Max,
sometimes grownups need to lie. (Laughs)
It's hard to explain, but if...
Look, here's a good example,
when your mommy was pregnant with you,
she gained a good 40 pounds,
there was nothing she wouldn't eat, and daddy was scared,
but when she'd ask me, "how do I look?"
I'd say, “honey, you look great."
"You're beautiful. You're glowing."
If I had told mommy she looked like a cow,
it would have hurt her feelings, you understand.
- My teacher tells me real beauty is on the inside.
- That's just something ugly people say.
Max, no one can survive in the adult world
if they have to stick to the truth.
I could lose my case, I could lose my promotion,
I could even lose my job.
Now, I need your help, Max. Okay?
- Okays, now do whatever you did last night,
only this time,
make it an unwish.
(Soft music)
(Max blows)
- I did it.
- Excellent! Now, I just need a little test.
(Soft music)
(Footsteps thumping)
(Ominous music)
(Soft music)
- Did it work?
- Not like I'd hoped. Did you unwish it?
- Only... - What? Only what?
- Yesterday, when I wished it, I really meant it,
this time when I unwished it,
I only did it 'cause you told me to.
- All right, then, do it again,
and this time, mean it.
- But I can't!
- Why not?
- 'Cause I don't want you to lie.
- I explained this, I have to lie, everybody lies.
Mommy lies, even the wonderful Jerry lies.
- But you're the only one that makes me feel bad.
(Bell ringing)
- Max, recess is over. Come on in!
(Soft music)
- Mom says we're moving to Boston.
- That isn't for sure yet.
She promised we'd talk about it when I come over tonight.
I am coming! You believe me, don't you, Max?
I'll see you later, buddy.
(Soft music)
(Elevator bell dings)
- Yo Fletcher. How's it hanging?
- Short, shriveled and always to the left.
(Soft music)
- Boss, it's skull, he knocked over another atm,
this time at knife-point, he needs your legal advice.
(Soft music)
- Stop breaking the law, asshole!
(Soft music)
(Door creaking)
- Boss, are you all right?
- My son hates me.
- Max loves you. I've seen you together, you're his hero.
- Oh, yeah?
Last night at his birthday party, he made a wish,
that I wouldn't be able to lie for one whole day.
- It came true.
- What? - Max's wish!
It came true.
(Phone ringing)
- [Greta] Boss, maybe you should just take a few days off.
- [Fletcher] Greta, didn't it seem weird to you
that I kept telling the truth all morning?
- Well, yeah, but...
What are you saying? That you are incapable of lying?
- That's right! I am incapable of lying!
- [Greta] Just for today?
- [Fletcher] Apparently, till 8:15 tonight.
It's just one of those 24-hour curses.
- [Greta] Yeah, those are going around.
- You don't believe me, do you?
- Of course not.
(Fletcher laughs)
- How ironic!
Okay, ask me something you think I would normally lie about.
- All right.
Remember a couple of months ago, when I wanted a raise?
- Just forget it. I don't wanna do this.
- And the company wouldn't give me one,
and I asked if you would give it to me
out of your own pocket, and you said
that the company would not allow it,
because it would create jealousy
among the other secretaries.
Now, was that true, or did you just
not wanna pony up the dough?
(Ominous music)
- Greta, please!
Hello, judge Stevens, hi!
Fletcher reede, I'm scheduled to be
in your court in half an hour.
Judge Stevens, I badly, badly, need a continuance.
III. Am I I"? (Chuckles)
That is the perfect question for you to ask.
Greta please lie to him for me!
- I remember when you bought me
this antique frame from Tiffany's, Tiffany's?
- Garage sale. $6.50 marked down from $10.
(Glass shattering)
I'll give you the raise!
(Ominous music)
- Here's your raise.
(Fletcher gasps)
- Hi, judge Stevens!
Yes, I know I haven't given you an answer yet,
but, illness could mean so many things.
Can you hold? Hello? Mom!
I wasn't really on vacation,
'cause I didn't wanna talk to you!
Because you insist on talking to me
about dad's bowel movements, size, color, frequency.
I'll call you later! Hello?
Oh! Damn it! I cut him off. I cut off the judge!
(Fletcher grunting)
Greta! Don't leave!
I'm on my knees in a $900 suit!
- Mr. Reede, several years ago, a friend of mine
had a burglar on her roof, a burglar.
He fell through the kitchen skylight,
landed on a cutting board,
on a butcher's knife, cutting his leg.
The burglar sued my friend. He sued my friend!
And because of guys like you, he won!
My friend had to pay the burglar $6,000. Is that justice?
- No.
I'd have got him $10,000.
- Good-bye, Mr. Reede.
- No! No! No! Wait! I didn't understand the question!
Ask me again! Ask me again!
- Have a nice day in court.
- Greta!
- Hi. - God in heaven!
(Fletcher thuds)
- It's nice to see you too Fletcher. Are you busy?
- Extremely.
- Good. Would you follow me, please?
(Ominous music)
Did you know that the partnership committee
is being headed up be Mr. Allan himself?
You used to work directly for Mr. Allan, didn't you?
- Yeah!
- Tell me,
what do you think of him?
(Fletcher gasps)
- He's a pedantic, pontificating, pretentious bastard!
A belligerent old fart, a worthless steaming
pile of cow dung, figuratively speaking.
- Really? How delightful. This way.
(Fletcher spluttering)
Pardon me for interrupting your meeting.
Mr. Allan, you remember Fletcher reede?
- Oh, yes, yes. Nice to see you again, Fletcher.
By the way, I'll be observing you in court this afternoon.
I've been hearing some good things about you.(Giggles)
- Well, Fletcher has been telling me
how much he thinks of you.
Oh, why don't you tell Mr. Allan.
Well, what do you think of him?
- He's a pedantic, pontificating, pretentious bastard.
A belligerent old fart, a worthless
steaming pile of cow dung.(Sighs)
Figuratively speaking.(Sobs)
(Mr. Allan laughs)
- That's the funniest damn thing I've ever heard!
You're a real card, reede! I love a good roast!
Do Simmons!
- Simmons is old!
(All laughing)
He should've been out of the game years ago,
but he can't stay home 'cause he hates his wife.
(All laughing)
You've met her at the Christmas parties,
she's the one that gets plastered and calls him a retard.
(All laughing)
And you, Tom, you're the biggest brown nose I've ever seen!
You've got your head so far up Mr. Allan's ass,
I can't tell where you end and he begins!
- (Laughs) Priceless!
(All laughing)
- You have bad breath caused by gingivitis.
You couldn't get a porn star off.
Your hairpiece looks like something
that killed crossing the highway.
I don't know whether to comb it
or scrape it off with a shovel and Bury it in lime!
(All laughing)
Loser!
Idiot!
Wimp!
Degenerate!
Slut!
(All laughing)
- I like your style, reede!
That's just what this stuffy company needs!
A little irreverence!
- Good! I'll see you later, dickhead!
(All laughing)
- Dickhead! Priceless!
(All laughing)
(Fletcher laughing)
- Oh! Keep your eye on that boy.
Dickhead!(laughs)
(All laughing)
(Fletcher laughing)
(Fletcher thuds)
(Soft music)
- [Bailiff] Third district court is now in session.
The honorable judge Marshall Stevens presiding.
- Afternoon, counselors. - Are we ready to begin?
- No, sir!
We are not ready to begin,
because my client has not arrived!
- Hurry up! Move it! Move it!
J“ here she comes to wreck the day j“
- Mr. Reede!
- Sorry, your honor.
- Go, go, go. And lupe, you keep those kids quiet.
I'm not even close to kidding.
(Sighs) Sorry. Billy threw up in the car.
- You brought your kids to your divorce?
- Sympathy. - Well, it's working.
I feel sorry for them already.
- [Judge Stevens] Miss appleton, you may begin.
From march 6 through June 12,
I surveilled Mrs. Cole at the behest of Mr. Cole.
During that period, I noted that Mr. Cole
left each day between 7:40 and 7:50.
Thereafter Mrs. Cole would frequently have
a male visitor arrive and stay from one to four hours.
I was able to take several photographs of the male visitor.
- I see.
(Footsteps thumping)
Do you know what Mrs. Cole and her male visitor
did during these frequent visits?
- Well, they were good about keeping the shades drawn,
but I was able to make a recording of one such session.
- Your honor, as you are aware,
under the terms of the prenuptial agreement,
if Mrs. Cole commits adultery, she is entitled to nothing.
With your permission, we'd like to play
the following tape recording.
- Oh yeah.(Moans)
- [Kenneth] Its that good to you baby. Here comes big daddy!
- Oh, god!
Oh! Do it to me! Do it to me!
Harder! Harder! (Moaning)
(Samantha screams)
- Oh! Come on!
Your honor, how can it be proved that the male voice
on that tape is not Mr. Cole himself?
- You are such a better lover than my husband! Oh, my god!
- Your honor, I object!
- And why is that, Mr. Reede?
- Because it's devastating to my case!
- Overruled.
- Good call!
- [Kenneth] I gotta go. I still haven't cleaned your pool.
- Your witness.
- All right. (Panting)
- Well, Mr. Reede, you may proceed.
(Ominous music)
- How?
(Water pouring)
(Glass clanking)
(Footsteps thumping)
(Ominous music)
(Soft music)
Your honor, would the court be willing
to Grant me a short bathroom break?
- Can't it wait?
- Yes, it can.
But I've heard that if you hold it,
you can damage the prostate gland, making it very difficult
to get an erection or even become aroused!
- Is that true?
- In that case, I better take a little break myself.
But you get back here immediately so we can finish this.
(Gavel pounds)
(Footsteps thumping) (Soft music)
(Audience murmuring)
(Fletcher groans)
- How am I going to get out of this?
Think.
Think!
(Fletcher groans)
(Fletcher screams)
(Fletcher pounding)
(Upbeat music)
(Fletcher screams)
(Fletcher grunting)
(Fletcher groaning)
(Upbeat music)
(Fletcher grunting)
(Fletcher groaning)
(Fletcher screams)
- What the hell are you doing?
- I'm kicking my ass!
Do you mind?
(Fletcher grunting)
(Ominous music)
(Fletcher thuds)
(Audience murmuring)
(Door creaking)
(Fletcher panting)
(Audience gasps)
- I found him like this in the bathroom, your honor.
Somebody beat the hell out of him.
- Who did this?
- A madman, your honor!
A desperate fool at the end of his pitiful rope!
- What did he look like?
- About 6'2", 180 pounds, big teeth, kind of gangly.
- Bailiff, have the deputy search the building.
- Yes, sir.
(Audience murmuring)
- Order!
Order!
(Gavel pounding)
Under the circumstances,
I have no choice but to recess this case
until 9:00 A.M. tomorrow morning.
Unless, of course, you feel you can still proceed.
(Ominous music)
Can you?
(Ominous music)
I can.
- I admire your courage, Mr. Reede.
We'll take a short recess so that you can compose yourself,
and then we'll get started.
(Gavel pounding)
(Soft music)
(Footsteps thumping)
- Here you go.
(Soft music)
(Phone ringing)
- Hello?
- [Max] Dad?
- Max?
How's it going?
- Great, you know Paul and Emanuel from across the street?
- Well, they never wanna play baseball with me,
but I told them I'm playing tonight with my dad.
So now they wanna play with us. Is that okay?
- Sure. The more the merrier.
- Coolest! Do you wanna be Jose canseco?
- Oh, yeah.
Who else is gonna hit that famous nomo slider?
- Mr. Reede.
- I gotta go now, Max.
I'll see you in a couple of hours, okay, all right, bye.
- Bye, dad.
(Phone clanking)
He's really coming! He's really coming! I'm gonna go change.
- Okay, go ahead!
- Yeah!
(Soft music)
- Mr. Reede!
- “Mr. Reede! Mr. Reede!“
- this is my lawyer, he's a little unorthodox,
you'll get used to him.
Mr. Reede, you remember Kenneth falk, the man from the tape.
- How could I forget?
- Hey, how you doing?
- I've slipped into the seventh circle of hell, thank you.
- Shouldn't we be going over our testimony right now?
- Basically, the plan is, I walk you through the tape.
Step by step, I ask you questions...
- Right, and we give the explanation you came up with.
- Exactly.
- So all we are gonna do is lie. That sounds simple.
- Doesn't it!
Then I'll finish up with a dramatic series of questions.
Something like, Mr. Falk, isn't it true
that you and Mrs. Cole have never made...(Stutters)
(Ominous music)
I can't do it.
I can't finish the question if I know the answer is a lie.
(Ominous music)
- You may proceed, Mr. Reede.
- Respondent calls,
Kenneth falk.
(Footsteps thumping)
- Raise your right hand.
Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth,
and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
-I do!
I mean...
-I do.
(Footsteps thumping)
- Mr. Falk.
Do you know my client, Samantha Cole?
- Yes.
(Fletcher claps)
Isn't it true that your relationship
with my client is entirely platonic?
I object, your honor!
- To yourself?
- Yeah, but I would like to rephrase the question.
Mr. Falk, would I be accurate if I described
your relationship with Mrs. Cole as totally professional?
I object, and I move to strike!
- Mr. Reede, I don't know what you're on,
but you better get to the point, and quick.
- Thank you, sir.
Is your relationship with my client entirely platonic?
Not! Is not your relationship with my client...
Bad baby, bad baby!
Did you ever not make io... did you... (Panting)
- Mr. Reede!
- You had sex with her every time you met, didn't you? Liar!
- He's badgering the witness.
- It's his witness.
- You slammed her! You dunked her donuts!
You gave her dog a snausage!
You stuffed her like a Thanksgiving Turkey!
(Fletcher gobblers)
- All right! All right, it's true! Okay!
I humped her brains out! There, now you happy?
- No further questions. (Sobs)
(Footsteps thumping)
(Fletcher thuds)
- No questions.
- You may step down.
Do I dare ask you to call your next witness?
- I have no further witnesses, your honor.
- What are you doing? Call me!
- You do not understand. I can't lie.
I can't do anything dishonest until 8:15 tonight!
- Listen, you bastard! I want my money!
I am not going to end up a 31 year old divorcée on welfare,
because my scumbag attorney
had a sudden attack of conscience!
(Ominous music)
- If Mr. Reede has no further witnesses,
then I have no choice but to rule in favor of...
- Your honor!
(Ominous music)
I call Samantha Cole to the stand.
(Audience murmuring)
- Order. (Gavel pounding)
Order! (Gavel pounding)
- Order! - Knock it off!
Mr. Reede, it is out of sheer morbid curiosity
I'm allowing this freak show to continue.
Mrs. Cole,
if you dare.
(Footsteps thumping)
(Paper rustling)
- Mrs. Cole,
is this a copy of your driver's license?
- Yes.
- It says here you're a blonde. Are you?
(Samantha scoffs)
If you don't remember, perhaps Mr. Falk will.
- Brunette.
- We could play the tape again, maybe it's on there.
- I'm a brunette!
- Thank you. Now, let's see.
"Weight, 105?"
Yeah! In your bra.
- Your honor, I object!
- You would!
- Bastard! - Hag!
- Quiet! Overruled! Weight?
- 118.
All right, fine, fine. I'm 127.
- And it says here you were born in 1964,
but that's not true either, is it?
Is it?
- Can you tell me what it says here
on your birth certificate under "date of birth."
- Your honor, I object.
What does this have to do with anything?
- Overruled. Mrs. Cole, answer the question.
- "1965."
- Now let me get this straight.
That would mean that you lied about your age
to make yourself older.
But why would any woman wanna do that?
- I changed it so I could get married.
- And the truth shall set you free!
My client lied about her age!
She was only 17 when she got married,
which makes her a minor,
and in the great state of California,
no minor can enter into any legal contract,
without parental consent, including...
- Prenuptial agreements.
- Prenuptial agreements! - This contract is void!
The fact that my client has been ridden
more than Seattle slew is irrelevant.
Standard community property applies
and she is entitled half of the marital assets
or $11.395 million!
Jordan fades back. And that's the game!
Nothing further, your honor.
(Audience applauding)
(Gavel pounding)
- Order.
Order!
In light of this new evidence,
the court must rule in favor of Mrs. Cole.
She is hereby awarded half the marital assets.
(Gavel pounds) (Fletcher shouts)
- The son of a bitch pulled it off! (Laughs)
- I didn't know she was under age!
- [Dana] It doesn't matter. - The contract's void.
(Fletcher groaning)
- Order. Order. (Gavel pounding)
I understand both parties have agreed
to joint custody, is that correct?
- Yes. - Yes.
- No. I'm contesting custody.
- What?
- If I get sole custody of the kids,
that's another $10,000 in child support payments.
- You just won $11 million!
- Hey, I'm the victim here, you said it yourself.
Now I'm gonna hit him where it hurts.
- But you...
You said he was a good father.
- Well, Mr. Reede,
do we have an agreement on custody or not?
(Soft music)
- No.
- I see.
In that case, there will be
a custody hearing, on the 19th at 9:00 A.M.
Court is adjourned.
(Gavel pounding)
(Audience muttering)
(Soft music)
- Come on, let's go. - Daddy!
- You stop whining, or I'll give you
something to whine about!
- I wanna go with daddy!
- Oh, come here, kids, come on.
It's all right. Don't you worry.
I promise we'll be together, whatever I have to do.
It's okay. It's okay.
- Oh, for god's sake, will you give me those? They're mine!
Let go of daddy! Let go of him! Let go of daddy!
We're leaving now! Lupe, come on!
Don't you have some checks to write?
You haven't paid for them yet.
(Soft music)
- (Laughing) I love children.
They give you so much leverage in a case like this.
You did an incredible job, partner.(Laughs)
Look at him. He's stunned, he can't believe it. (Laughs)
(Soft music)
- Your honor, may I please approach the bench?
- We're adjourned, Mr. Reede.
- Your honor, I think we've made a big mistake.
- Mr. Reede, I am tired and very cranky.
- I know, but this is just wrong, isn't it?
I manipulated the system, just because you bought it
doesn't mean I'm right, it's a technicality!
- Young man, having my judgment mocked in my own court,
is not something I'm prepared to tolerate!
- Well, maybe you can tell that to the kids
when they're adopted by the manson family!
- One more word out of you, Mr. Reede,
and I'll hold you in contempt!
- I hold myself in contempt!
Why should you be any different?
- Bailiff, take him away!
- This man is a good father, and children are not leverage!
Oh, no, don't do this!
I have a date to play ball with my son!
I can't be late! It's my last chance!
I'm Jose canseco!
(Ominous music)
Phone call! Phone call!
I get a phone call! I get a phone call! I get a phone call!
(Phone ringing)
- Hello?
- Audrey, it's me.
For the love of god, don't hang up!
- I can't talk to you right now.
Our flight leaves at 8:00.
- What?
- I'm taking Max some place
where you can't do this to him anymore.
- Audrey, wait! The most amazing thing has happened to me.
I swear, I'm a changed man!
Just come to the courthouse with $1,000 and bail me out.
(Audrey sighs) (Phone clanking)
Hello? Hello!
- Time's up, pal.
- No, just one more call. Just one more call.
(Fletcher screams)
(Phone clanking)
- Okay. Let's go.
(Footsteps thumping)
You ready?
Will you get the door, please?
- Thank you.
- Mr. Reede,
you made bail.
- Greta!
Oh! Thank god!
- Am I too late? Have you been sexually molested yet?
Because I could circle the block.
(Soft music)
- [Fletcher] How did you know I was here?
- One of the other secretaries called me at home,
said you went all noble in front of Mr. Allan.
- Yeah, I think I'm fired. Isn't that great?
Maybe I'll start my own firm. Do you need a job?
- I don't think you can afford me.
(Both laughing)
(Soft music)
- Oh man, I got to get my car.
Audrey's on her way to the airport.
I could lose Max forever.
I can't let that happen. I love him!
You know, this truth stuff is pretty cool.
I love my son!
Hey, need some change? Take everything!
(Coins clanking)
But it's not gonna make you happy.
I love my son!
- Hey, there you are! - Hi.
- Just in time.
Oh! This is the happiest moment of my entire life.
- Oh!
Well, mine...
Well, ours also.(Laughs)
- Hey, gipper. I have something for you, young man.
Oh! Watch yourself, it's the claw! (Chuckles)
Oh! The claw's coming at you.
Oh! You're scared of the claw. You're scared of the claw.
- Jerry.
Jerry.
It's okay. You don't have to...
- [Woman] Tower air flight 1511 to Boston is now boarding.
- That's us. - Yeah.
- You ready to go?
- Yes. You ready?
- Okay. - Great.
(Upbeat music)
(Car wheels screeching)
- Excuse me!
What gate is flight 1511 leaving from? It's an emergency!
- Gate number 123, but you'll never make it.
The flight's already boarding.
It takes a half hour to get through security.
If you wanna go to Boston, there's another flight
leaving tomorrow morning at 7:00.
Flight number 120...
(Upbeat music)
- [Flight attendant] Lady and gentlemen, welcome aboard
flight 1511, from Los Angeles to Boston's Logan airport.
We'll be departing shortly, if you need help...
- Honey, can I help you with those?
- I'm fine.
- Are you sure?
- Jerry, I can open the bag!
(Paper rustling)
- Would you like anything to drink before takeoff?
- Yes. Anything with alcohol, please.
- Audrey.
(Snacks clanking)
- [Flight attendant] Now, if you'll focus on the screen
ahead of you, we will be running the safety video.
- How about that drink?
(Upbeat music)
(Fletcher thuds)
(Upbeat music)
(Airplane engine revving)
(Upbeat music)
- Max!
Max!
Wait!
(Upbeat music)
- (Groans) That ought to do it.
(Car engine revving)
- Thanks! It's running great!
(Upbeat music)
(Fletcher screams)
(Upbeat music)
(Airplane engine revving)
(Upbeat music)
Max!
I'm coming!
(Machine whirring)
(Upbeat music)
Max!
(Upbeat music)
Max!
Max! Where are you?
- I love you.
(Ice clanking)
- Thank you.
- That wasn't exactly the answer I was looking for.
- (Sighs) Thank you very much.
I'm sorry. It's just...
- Too fast? It was too fast, wasn't it?
- No, it's...
- Chemistry? Whatever it is, we can work on it.
- No, no, no. It's just that...
- Oh my god, it's Fletcher!
- No, no. This has nothing to do with Fletcher
- it's Fletcher. - What? (Gasps)
- Dad?
(Upbeat music)
- I made it! I'm late, but I made it!
- What is he doing?
- He came to see us off. Wave.
(Upbeat music)
- I won't let you go!
(Upbeat music)
(Airplane engine revving)
Oh! Shit!
(Airplane engine revving)
(Fletcher screams)
- Control 19, this is tower 1511 heavy, ready for takeoff.
(Shoe thuds)
- What was that?
- Looked like a shoe.
- Pull over!
Pull this thing over!
- Control 19, some idiot has hijacked a flight of stairs.
We're gonna stopping this plane.
- [Man] 19 control, we copy.
(Airplane wheels screeching)
(Upbeat music)
- Yeah!
(Fletcher screams)
(Car engine revving)
(Ominous music)
(Fletcher screams)
(Airplane engine revving)
(Siren wailing)
(Laughs) Yeah
you people are all doing a wonderful job!
- That's far enough, folks.
- Yeah, he's my husband. - He was my husband.
- All right, go ahead.
Okay.
Max, you stay here with Jerry, and I'll be right back, okay.
(Siren wailing)
- Audrey! - Fletcher!
- Great news!
Both my legs are broken,
so they can't take me right to jail.
- Fletcher, what were you doing? Are you out of your mind?
- No, I'm thinking clear. - I've never been this clear!
- Dad?
- Creep.
- He was getting kind of upset.
- Are you all right?
I'm hurting here, though.
I'm a dope, Max.
All this time, you've been here,
and I could see you anytime I felt like it, but I didn't.
Then your mom told me you were moving to Boston,
and I started thinking.
I could be sitting around sometime and
wanna look at you and hold you and play with you,
and I won't be able to.
I don't think I'm gonna do too well with that.
I love you more than anything else in the world, Max,
and you know it's true.
I couldn't say it if it wasn't true, not today.
I love you, and I'll never hurt you again.
(Soft music)
- He's telling the truth, mom. He's not allowed to lie.
I made a wish, and anything
dad says today has to be the truth.
- Max.
(Soft music)
It's 8:45.
You made the wish at 8:15.
I've been able to lie for the last half-hour.
- So you weren't... - No, it was the truth!
I just wanted to be honest with you.
I always wanna be honest with you.
(Soft music)
- Mom,
do we have to go to Boston?
(Soft music)
- No, Max, you don't have to go.
(Both cheering)
- I, on the other hand, do have to, a hospital to run.
(Soft music)
That's an open-ended ticket if you ever change your mind.
- Thank you.
(Soft music)
- Looks like he's got his father back.
- (Chuckles) Yeah.
(Fletcher laughs)
(Soft music)
J“ happy birthday, dear Maximus j“
j“ happy birthday to you j“
- okay, Max, make a wish.
- Ah! Wait! I don't know if we should do this.
- Oh, Fletcher, come on.
What are the odds of that happening again?
- Yeah, I guess you're right.
Okay, Max, go ahead.
(Max blows)
(Soft music)
- Mom? Dad?
(Soft music)
- Max!
(Soft music)
Did you wish for your mom and I to get back together again?
- No, I wished for roller blades.
(Soft music)
- Do you wanna cut the cake,
dad?
- I'd love to.
But I have this horrible pain in my arm.
- (Gasps) Oh! No! It's the claw!
- No one can stop the claw!(Growling)
No one can stop it!(Growls)
(Soft music)
Nothing can stop the claw!
(Max laughing) (Fletcher growling)
(Soft music)
(Elevator bell dings)
(Upbeat music)
(All laughing)
If I was a boxer I would
bounce those things like sugar ray Leonard.
I'm sorry.
(All laughing)
You brought your kids to your divorce?
- Sympathy. - Well, it's working!
I feel sorry for them already.
For this you will pay a terrible price.
(All laughing)
Well, it's working! I feel sorry for them already.
(Water pouring)
(Fletcher sighs)
(All laughing)
Mrs. Cole.
(Footsteps thumping)
(Paper rustling)
(Upbeat music)
A goose!
(All laughing)
Including...
- Prenuptial agreements.
- Prenuptial agreements!
(All laughing)
No! I'd have got him $10,000.(Gasps)
- [Greta] Good-bye, Mr. Reede.
- No! Wait! I didn't understand...(Mumbles)
(All laughing)
(Fletcher squeals)
(Upbeat music)
Shit. I can't do it. (All laughing)
Now, let's see.
"Weight, 105?"
Yeah, in your bra.
- Your honor, I object!
- You would!
- Over actor! - Jezebel! (Laughs)
(All laughing)
(All applauding)
- He put me up to it. Tom shadyac.
- Yeah, sure he did.
- Oh, he did.
- (Laughs) Oh, no.
They're onto me.
(All laughing)
(Upbeat music)
(Soft music)