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Man: ♪ You've gotta have heart ♪

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♪ All you really need is heart ♪

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♪ When the odds are saying ♪

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♪ You'll never win ♪

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♪ That's when the grin ♪

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♪ Should start ♪

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Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen,

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please welcome to the stage

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Rosie O'Donnell!

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Man: ♪ Mustn't sit
around and mope ♪

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♪ Nothing's half as bad
as it may appear ♪

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♪ Wait till next year
and hope ♪

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♪ When your luck
is batting zero ♪

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♪ Get your chin up
off the floor... ♪

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Rosie: Well, hello, Nyack!

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[Cheering and applause]

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How are you?

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Thank you so much for
coming to my mall.

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Now I have arrived.

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I'm performing at my own mall.

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With a Chipotle next door.

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Isn't that good?

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We just got that.
I was very impressed with that.

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Yeah.

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How many people have been
to this mall before?

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[Applause]

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How many people have been to
the new mall down the street?

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[Applause]

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Traitors!

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All of you--traitors!

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I was at opening day
at this mall.

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Anyone else?

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Opening day, 18 years ago,
about, at this mall.

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Were you there?

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Who was the
celebrity who was here?

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Do you remember?

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Audience member:
Rosie O'Donnell!

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No. Well, I was here with my
son in a stroller, but I was

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not the advertised celebrity.

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Do you know who was?

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Audience member: Aardvark!

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Arthur the Aardvark.

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A 16-foot stuffed animal
furry guy that was supposed to

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come and entertain
the children.

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So I brought Parker here,
who is now 18,

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but he was one year old,

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and he was in a stroller
and he started, like, crying,

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and Arthur was late, apparently,
so we went home.

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And about two hours later,
the doorbell rang, and it was

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Arthur the Aardvark.

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That's when I knew fame was
gonna fuck up my family.

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Right then.

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Arthur the Aardvark
came to our house.

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Well, hello, everybody!

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I am 52 years old...

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[Cheering]

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last month.

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Can't believe it, really.

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And I have 5 children.

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I have 4 teenagers
and one toddler.

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Right, that's the face
I get a lot.

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People go, "Ohhh!"
like I made a mistake.

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I adopted. There
were no accidents.

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People say, "Why would you have
another baby when you have

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4 teenagers?" and I
said, "Because I have 4

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"teenagers, and I needed to
remind myself that I actually

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"do love children

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because teenagers suck."

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Does anyone have teenagers?

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All right, do you like them?

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Do you like your teens?

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'Cause I hate mine. I do.

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I hate my teenagers.

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They're horrible human beings,
and I didn't expect this 'cause

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when I was the mom of
toddlers, parents of teenagers

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would come over to me and go,
"Oh, wait till they're teens.

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You're gonna hate it."

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And I would think, "Boy,
they're shitty parents."

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I've learned!

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They're horrible.

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It starts at 15.

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You know, if you're lucky, 15.

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Some tell me 14.

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Mine, 15.

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My son Parker, who, the
light of my life, right?

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The kid who brought joy
into my world--that kid

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turned on me.

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He became spawn of Satan
before my very eyes.

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It was horrible.
It was horrible.

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I was crying all the time.

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I finally made him come
to therapy with me.

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The hour session,
I cried for 50 minutes.

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I'm like, "We used
to be friends

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and talk every day and I..."

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We used to watch TV shows
together!"

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Finally, like right

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when the session was almost
up, the therapist said to

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Parker, "Do you have anything
to say?" and he said, "Yes.

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Could you adjust her
medication?"

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which I thought
was hurtful.

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I found it hurtful, but
actually they did tweak it

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and I felt a lot better,
so, you know, in the end, it was

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a win/win so I can't really
complain about that too much,

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but--just teens are bad.

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They're bad.

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They do things you never
thought they'd do, right?

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They're their own people.

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Who expected that?
You know, not me.

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My son is now at a
military high school, which he

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begged me to go to.

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He's at Valley Forge
Military Academy.

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[Audience member cheers]

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Yes, he is the top cadet.

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He is in charge of over
100 young cadets there

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at the school, and he has
applied to and been accepted

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at The Citadel.

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Audience: Wow.

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That's what I said,

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"Wow," because I didn't know
he had applied there, you know?

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I didn't, because I
filled out his common app.

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Did anyone else fill out
their kid's common app?

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You're a helicopter
mother just like me.

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You're horrible.
I did it, too.

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I couldn't help it.
He wouldn't do it.

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I filled out the
whole application.

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It took me two weeks.

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All I needed was for him
to write an essay.

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How hard is that, right?

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For months I kept saying,
"Please write the essay.

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Please write the essay."

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The night before it's
due, I'm like,

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"Honey, you need
to give me the..."

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"Oh, I didn't have time, Mom.
I couldn't do it."

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Like everything's
an argument, you know.

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He's aggressive like that.

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And I was like, "Screw it,"
and I wrote it for him.

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"I love Broadway
and Barbara Streisand."

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"My personal hero is my mother."

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I couldn't believe he
applied there.

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I said, "Honey, why didn't you
tell me you applied there?"

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He said, "Why?
I'll tell you why.

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'Cause I didn't want your name
to be the reason I got in."

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I was like, "Not much chance
of that, honey."

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Like my name is gonna
help at The Citadel?

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No, it is not.

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Can you imagine, you know?
He's applying.

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I'm spending my days
on the Internet going,

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"Do not bomb Syria." Send!

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"Peaceful solutions
in the Ukraine." Send!

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That military thing,
it's all his, you know?

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He's been very into
this his whole life.

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I don't know why.

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Part of me thinks it's because
he was 7 years old when 9/11

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happened and we were in the
city, right, and everything

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changed for him then.

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He used to just draw pictures,
and then it all was army

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everything, you know.

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So I asked him one day.

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I said, "Why are you
so dedicated to serving

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in the armed forces?"

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"Why? I'll tell you why, Mom.
Ya wanna know why?"

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Again, that voice is all
the time, no matter what,
you know?

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"Do you want string beans?"
"Broccoli, Mom!
I want broccoli!"

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It's like, you know,
forget it.

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Just telling you it's
how he talks now, so...

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He's like, "Why?
I'll tell you why, Mom.

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"Cause only in America could
a kid like you from a poor

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"childhood with a dead mom and
an abusive dad could grow up

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"to become you and then adopt
kids like me who didn't have

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"any families.

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"Only in America could that
happen, so I owe something to

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this country."

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I was like, "No, sweetheart.

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You owe something to me!"

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They turn on you, you know?

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I never expected it.

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They turn on you, you know.

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Oh, I loved this kid so much.

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I still love him, but
you know, he's driving me crazy.

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But when he arrived in my
life--I knew I wanted to

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adopt, right?

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A lot of people go to
adoption after infertility.

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Not me. It was a choice. Why?

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My mom died when I was 10, and I
had a teacher in public school

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in seventh grade who totally
loved me back to life.

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She was the first
person to hug me.

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She was the first person
to say "I love you."

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She took me into her family,
and she taught me that

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a family is made by love
and not by blood, and sadly,

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she died 10 years ago of
breast cancer as well.

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So I had two mothers and
they both died of breast

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cancer, right?

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Very odd.

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So when I decided to adopt,
you know, I was certain, and I

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went in and I met with the
agency and I said, "I'd really,

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really, really, really like,
you know, a girl,"

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and two weeks later

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they said, "We have a boy."

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And I cried 'cause I didn't

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know what to do, but as soon
as they put him in my arms,

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that was it.

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Like you hear of love
at first sight?

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This was it.

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They put that baby in my arms,
it was like lights turned on.

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It was like 4th of July.

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It was like
walking into Oz.

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You know, honestly it was the
most magical thing that ever

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happened to me, but I was
nervous 'cause he was a boy,

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but I had a friend who
had sons, Rita Wilson.

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She had two boys at the time,
Truman and Chester, right

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around Parker's age.

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So she came over to help me,
and that first week she asked

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me an interesting question.

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She said, "Ro, why didn't you
have him circumcised?"

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And I said, "I thought I had."

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Because I remember filling out

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00:09:03,583 --> 00:09:06,375
the form when I was
in the hospital.

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It said, "Circumcise yes or no?"

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I said yes because I

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remember in high school there
was that one kid whose father

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was from Spain and he was
really good at soccer

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but he had a weird weenie.

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You know, not that I saw it,
but I heard 'em--they called

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him Weird Weenie.

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So I didn't want my kid to be
the weird weenie kid.

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So I was like "Yes.
Circumcise him," you know.

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So Rita said,
"Well, couldn't you
see by looking at it?

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Couldn't you tell?"

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And I said no 'cause...

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Well, listen, it didn't look
like the ones in my nightstand

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drawer, but still, you know,
I thought it was artistic

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interpretation, you know.

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I mean an actual heart
does not look like this.

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I'm just telling you right
now, that's not the shape

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of a heart.

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So the fact that those
were smooth and nice.

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I didn't know.

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The wrinkled elephant trunk
thing, it scared me a little.

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I'm gonna be honest.

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I thought the head part,
the little mushroom tip thing,

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would come out in puberty.

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00:10:03,959 --> 00:10:06,083
No, I'm not even kidding you.

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00:10:06,083 --> 00:10:07,917
You know how we
get boobs, girls?

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00:10:07,917 --> 00:10:09,458
Like we get boobs.

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They're round mounds.

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They come out.

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You know, we had that big
meeting, and then
we had that little

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00:10:14,166 --> 00:10:15,834
movie when you're, like, 13.

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00:10:15,834 --> 00:10:22,583
"Oh, Mary wants to get
a white dress, but she can't.

250
00:10:22,583 --> 00:10:26,208
Her friend Flo is coming to
visit real soon."

251
00:10:26,208 --> 00:10:28,041
Remember that movie we had?

252
00:10:28,041 --> 00:10:30,750
I thought the boys were in
their own movie and they were

253
00:10:30,750 --> 00:10:33,000
saying, "We know it
looks creepy and wrinkled

254
00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:39,458
right now, but soon
you'll get a yarmulke
right on the top of it."

255
00:10:39,458 --> 00:10:41,875
It'll be like Super Mario
Brothers down there.

256
00:10:41,875 --> 00:10:43,125
It'll pop out.

257
00:10:43,125 --> 00:10:47,291
I had no idea it was related
to a circumcision, you know?

258
00:10:47,291 --> 00:10:50,333
So I start to cry, and Rita
felt bad for me and she said,

259
00:10:50,333 --> 00:10:52,750
"Don't worry, I'll call Kate,"
and that's her best friend

260
00:10:52,750 --> 00:10:55,458
Kate Capshaw, married to
Steven Spielberg, so she

261
00:10:55,458 --> 00:10:58,583
called them up, and 3
hours later they were all

262
00:10:58,583 --> 00:11:00,542
in my house.

263
00:11:00,542 --> 00:11:04,708
They brought lox,
bagels, and a mohel.

264
00:11:04,708 --> 00:11:05,792
That's why I love the Jews.

265
00:11:05,792 --> 00:11:07,708
I'm telling you right now
I want to be a Jew.

266
00:11:07,708 --> 00:11:08,750
I love the Jews.

267
00:11:08,750 --> 00:11:11,250
They can solve any
problem in 15 minutes.

268
00:11:14,166 --> 00:11:17,458
We did the circumcision at
my house, and then we buried

269
00:11:17,458 --> 00:11:19,125
the foreskin in the backyard.

270
00:11:19,125 --> 00:11:20,750
It was the eighth day, right?

271
00:11:20,750 --> 00:11:23,041
Observant Jews will know
you're supposed to do that.

272
00:11:23,041 --> 00:11:26,875
But for years I worried that
a penis bush would grow right

273
00:11:26,875 --> 00:11:28,250
there, you know.

274
00:11:28,250 --> 00:11:30,583
That would've been
horrible at barbecues.

275
00:11:30,583 --> 00:11:31,834
What would I say
to my friends?

276
00:11:31,834 --> 00:11:33,708
"Melissa, just don't
look at it, OK?

277
00:11:33,708 --> 00:11:35,458
"I know it's scary.

278
00:11:35,458 --> 00:11:36,750
I don't particularly like it."

279
00:11:36,750 --> 00:11:38,500
Like a topiary.
Like Disney, you know.

280
00:11:38,500 --> 00:11:40,166
That's what I
thought it would be.

281
00:11:40,166 --> 00:11:41,500
Like a scary, big penis.

282
00:11:41,500 --> 00:11:44,417
It didn't happen,
thank the Lord.

283
00:11:44,417 --> 00:11:48,750
Baruch atah adonai
eloheinu right there.

284
00:11:48,750 --> 00:11:51,458
So I was home with him alone.
You know, I'm a single mom.

285
00:11:51,458 --> 00:11:54,125
And I'm home two days
after the circumcision.

286
00:11:54,125 --> 00:11:58,500
I'm changing his diaper,
and I notice he has an erection,

287
00:11:58,500 --> 00:12:01,417
and I am convinced that this
is because while doing the

288
00:12:01,417 --> 00:12:05,208
circumcision, they hit a nerve
and they damaged something

289
00:12:05,208 --> 00:12:08,083
so now, boing, it's working
like he's a teenager.

290
00:12:08,083 --> 00:12:09,125
I am panicked.

291
00:12:09,125 --> 00:12:10,959
I call the doctor in
the middle of the night.

292
00:12:10,959 --> 00:12:14,375
I said, "He has a baby boner.
What the hell should I do?

293
00:12:14,375 --> 00:12:16,458
Should I take him to
the emergency room?"

294
00:12:16,458 --> 00:12:21,375
And the doctor said, "No.
It's perfectly normal.

295
00:12:21,375 --> 00:12:26,041
It's perfectly normal that
an infant has an erection."

296
00:12:26,041 --> 00:12:30,166
This is a design malfunction
of the male genitalia.

297
00:12:30,166 --> 00:12:34,375
Why the hell does this shit
work from week one?

298
00:12:34,375 --> 00:12:36,083
It's why you men are
sexually obsessed.

299
00:12:36,083 --> 00:12:39,500
You've been thinking about it--
every day you've been alive,

300
00:12:39,500 --> 00:12:40,834
you've had erections.

301
00:12:42,583 --> 00:12:45,208
Horrible. Horrible.

302
00:12:45,208 --> 00:12:47,166
I said to the doctor, "What
the hell am I supposed to do?"

303
00:12:47,166 --> 00:12:51,250
He said "Treat it as normal."
Treat it as normal?

304
00:12:51,250 --> 00:12:54,000
I took a Q-tip and I pushed
it down because I didn't want

305
00:12:54,000 --> 00:12:55,834
to touch it.

306
00:12:55,834 --> 00:12:56,834
I'm not gonna touch it.

307
00:12:56,834 --> 00:13:00,208
I'm not Woody Allen
or anything, OK?

308
00:13:00,208 --> 00:13:02,000
Right.

309
00:13:02,000 --> 00:13:04,875
I was so concerned with the
erection I didn't want to put

310
00:13:04,875 --> 00:13:08,041
the diaper on him because I
didn't want to injure the

311
00:13:08,041 --> 00:13:11,250
penis because some penises I
have seen--not in real life

312
00:13:11,250 --> 00:13:15,708
but on film, actually digital,
maybe, on the Internet--have

313
00:13:15,708 --> 00:13:17,708
bends in them.

314
00:13:17,708 --> 00:13:20,208
There's a very famous movie
star who had a sex tape

315
00:13:20,208 --> 00:13:21,166
and I'll admit it.

316
00:13:21,166 --> 00:13:23,041
I looked. I Googled it.

317
00:13:23,041 --> 00:13:26,542
And I don't want to say his
name 'cause he's really famous.

318
00:13:26,542 --> 00:13:27,583
Colin Farrell.

319
00:13:27,583 --> 00:13:29,708
OK, you're right,
it's Colin Farrell.

320
00:13:29,708 --> 00:13:32,917
His penis makes a right
turn after 3 or 4 inches.

321
00:13:32,917 --> 00:13:34,708
I don't know how the
hell the guy has sex.

322
00:13:34,708 --> 00:13:36,708
It's like a right-angle penis.

323
00:13:36,708 --> 00:13:38,750
It's perpendicular
to his self.

324
00:13:38,750 --> 00:13:41,333
He must have sex like
this, I don't know.

325
00:13:41,333 --> 00:13:43,166
He probably throws his
back out every time.

326
00:13:43,166 --> 00:13:44,583
He's a contortionist.

327
00:13:44,583 --> 00:13:45,750
I don't know how he does it.

328
00:13:45,750 --> 00:13:47,542
He should join
Cirque du Soleil.

329
00:13:47,542 --> 00:13:50,041
That's what I'm
telling you about him.

330
00:13:50,041 --> 00:13:53,625
But I didn't want Parker to
have a bent penis, so I took

331
00:13:53,625 --> 00:13:56,917
a Dixie Riddle Cup, I smushed
it a little bit, I covered the

332
00:13:56,917 --> 00:14:00,166
erection, and then I put the
Pampers on because I'm not

333
00:14:00,166 --> 00:14:02,458
taking any chances
with his penis, you know.

334
00:14:02,458 --> 00:14:04,708
Men enjoy theirs,
don't you, sir?

335
00:14:04,708 --> 00:14:05,917
I've heard you like them.

336
00:14:05,917 --> 00:14:08,500
I'm not--not you specifically.

337
00:14:08,500 --> 00:14:10,000
Well, yes, you specifically,

338
00:14:10,000 --> 00:14:11,166
but that's OK 'cause
we're friends.

339
00:14:11,166 --> 00:14:12,333
It's all good.

340
00:14:12,333 --> 00:14:15,875
Thing is, babies--they just
are so loving, right?

341
00:14:15,875 --> 00:14:19,250
He was like this little
boy who adored me.

342
00:14:19,250 --> 00:14:21,250
Oh, God, right? It's dreamy.

343
00:14:21,250 --> 00:14:23,458
Your first kid you fall
in love like you never

344
00:14:23,458 --> 00:14:24,917
have before.

345
00:14:24,917 --> 00:14:27,417
Remember he was two years old
he said, "Mama, did I

346
00:14:27,417 --> 00:14:29,875
grewed in you tummy?"

347
00:14:29,875 --> 00:14:30,834
Sweetest, right?

348
00:14:30,834 --> 00:14:32,083
I was like, "No, honey.

349
00:14:32,083 --> 00:14:34,250
"You didn't grow in my tummy,
you grew in another lady's

350
00:14:34,250 --> 00:14:38,125
"tummy, and she knew she
couldn't be a mommy, so she

351
00:14:38,125 --> 00:14:41,583
"told God and he looked inside
and when he saw you, he made

352
00:14:41,583 --> 00:14:43,583
sure that you got to me,"

353
00:14:43,583 --> 00:14:45,291
and he said,
"Yeah, that's 'cause

354
00:14:45,291 --> 00:14:48,875
you and me, Mama,
we a good match."

355
00:14:48,875 --> 00:14:50,208
Isn't that sweet?

356
00:14:50,208 --> 00:14:53,000
Yeah. And now he's 18.

357
00:14:55,083 --> 00:14:57,792
And he doesn't answer my texts,

358
00:14:57,792 --> 00:15:00,625
and when he tells me to fuck
off, you know what I tell him?

359
00:15:00,625 --> 00:15:04,291
"You and me, Parker,
we a good match!"

360
00:15:10,083 --> 00:15:12,125
He's all grown now.
He's a big boy.

361
00:15:12,125 --> 00:15:15,208
He got through
the whole thing, you know.

362
00:15:15,208 --> 00:15:16,625
He has a girlfriend.

363
00:15:16,625 --> 00:15:17,625
Audience member: Oh!

364
00:15:17,625 --> 00:15:18,834
Rosie: I know. She's lovely.

365
00:15:18,834 --> 00:15:19,834
She is.

366
00:15:19,834 --> 00:15:22,583
She's 19. He's 18.

367
00:15:22,583 --> 00:15:23,750
They're having sex.

368
00:15:23,750 --> 00:15:27,625
I know it because a mother
knows because she reads

369
00:15:27,625 --> 00:15:28,834
his texts.

370
00:15:34,917 --> 00:15:36,625
I'm not stupid.
I know what's going on.

371
00:15:36,625 --> 00:15:38,417
He's had the same
password since he was 6.

372
00:15:38,417 --> 00:15:42,083
Hasn't figured out that I
know it, but whatever.

373
00:15:42,083 --> 00:15:43,000
Smart kid.

374
00:15:43,000 --> 00:15:44,125
He got into The Citadel.

375
00:15:44,125 --> 00:15:48,125
Thing is, I don't want to
shame him sexually.

376
00:15:48,125 --> 00:15:50,333
You know, I grew up Catholic,
a lot of shame about sex.

377
00:15:50,333 --> 00:15:52,667
I don't want to shame him.
They've been dating 3 years.

378
00:15:52,667 --> 00:15:53,667
They're in love.

379
00:15:53,667 --> 00:15:57,041
It's OK.
I expect it, you know.

380
00:15:57,041 --> 00:16:00,750
Over the holidays we rented
a house in Jamaica.

381
00:16:00,750 --> 00:16:02,291
There was a
4-bedroom house.

382
00:16:02,291 --> 00:16:04,291
[Audience member groans]

383
00:16:04,291 --> 00:16:05,834
Rosie: "Oh."

384
00:16:05,834 --> 00:16:08,959
Have you been to that house?
Good for you.

385
00:16:08,959 --> 00:16:12,917
On the whole
4-bedroom houses--"oh."

386
00:16:12,917 --> 00:16:15,542
Me, Michelle, and the
baby were in one room.

387
00:16:15,542 --> 00:16:18,333
My daughters Vivi and
Chelsea were in another room.

388
00:16:18,333 --> 00:16:20,792
Then there are two
rooms left, right?

389
00:16:20,792 --> 00:16:24,708
One for either Parker and
Alison, or for Parker and his

390
00:16:24,708 --> 00:16:31,000
brother Blake, who was 14
and very busy at night.

391
00:16:39,041 --> 00:16:42,250
I figured the safest thing
was to let him go with his

392
00:16:42,250 --> 00:16:44,792
girlfriend, and it was the
biggest mistake I ever made as

393
00:16:44,792 --> 00:16:48,083
a parent because even though
he knew that I knew and I knew

394
00:16:48,083 --> 00:16:49,959
that he knew and his
girlfriend knew that we all

395
00:16:49,959 --> 00:16:51,291
knew and her mother was
OK with it and everybody

396
00:16:51,291 --> 00:16:52,583
was all right--

397
00:16:52,583 --> 00:16:55,250
we were all being, you, know,
very cool, very Dr. Phil,

398
00:16:55,250 --> 00:16:56,750
we were all good--

399
00:16:56,750 --> 00:16:58,708
he walked out of that bedroom
that morning like he was

400
00:16:58,708 --> 00:17:02,750
Mufasa from "Lion King."

401
00:17:02,750 --> 00:17:05,250
[Singing loudly]

402
00:17:09,250 --> 00:17:11,417
♪ Blow job ♪

403
00:17:13,333 --> 00:17:15,417
I had no power over him
the rest of the week.

404
00:17:15,417 --> 00:17:18,083
All my powers were gone.

405
00:17:18,083 --> 00:17:19,792
I couldn't find him.
He was never around.

406
00:17:19,792 --> 00:17:21,792
I said to Vivi, who was 11
years old at the time,

407
00:17:21,792 --> 00:17:23,000
I'm like, "Vivi,
where is Parker?"

408
00:17:23,000 --> 00:17:24,166
She's like, "Where is he?

409
00:17:24,166 --> 00:17:28,333
He's in the bedroom, Mom.
Baum chicka baum baum."

410
00:17:28,333 --> 00:17:30,834
I was concerned right then I
had fucked up as a parent.

411
00:17:30,834 --> 00:17:33,041
Right? That's very bad.
She's 11 years old.

412
00:17:33,041 --> 00:17:35,959
She doesn't need to
be knowing this.

413
00:17:35,959 --> 00:17:39,291
And then my daughter casually
at dinner, she's like, 16 years

414
00:17:39,291 --> 00:17:42,166
old, Chelsea, she casually
says, "So in two years, Mom,

415
00:17:42,166 --> 00:17:46,208
me and my boyfriend can
spend the week together
in a bedroom?"

416
00:17:46,208 --> 00:17:48,291
And you know, I'm
a feminist, right?

417
00:17:48,291 --> 00:17:50,125
I'm all for equality.

418
00:17:50,125 --> 00:17:53,917
I said to her, "No.
What are you--a skank?"

419
00:17:53,917 --> 00:17:55,959
I couldn't believe those words
came out of my mouth!

420
00:17:55,959 --> 00:17:57,208
Such a double standard!

421
00:17:57,208 --> 00:18:00,959
What the hell is
wrong with me?

422
00:18:00,959 --> 00:18:02,291
Oh, it's a double
standard, it is.

423
00:18:02,291 --> 00:18:04,375
When my boys looked up
porn, you know, what did I do?

424
00:18:04,375 --> 00:18:05,417
I had a talk with them.

425
00:18:05,417 --> 00:18:06,834
I'm like, "This
isn't really real."

426
00:18:06,834 --> 00:18:09,542
I gave them the Victoria's
Secret catalog.

427
00:18:09,542 --> 00:18:11,166
I said, "Have a good time,
but just remember...

428
00:18:11,166 --> 00:18:15,500
"♪ Clean up, clean up,
everybody clean up ♪

429
00:18:15,500 --> 00:18:18,333
You deal with the crusty socks.
Thanks very much."

430
00:18:21,375 --> 00:18:23,125
But when my daughter
looked up porn,

431
00:18:23,125 --> 00:18:24,375
it was a whole different thing.

432
00:18:24,375 --> 00:18:26,000
I'm like, "Maybe she needs
residential treatment and we

433
00:18:26,000 --> 00:18:29,625
should get her medication
right away."

434
00:18:29,625 --> 00:18:32,792
I knew it was my daughter
that looked it up, too,
because in the Google search

435
00:18:32,792 --> 00:18:33,834
it said "pinis."

436
00:18:36,667 --> 00:18:38,208
I said, "Honey,
before you wanna see it,

437
00:18:38,208 --> 00:18:40,667
"you should know how
to spell it, OK?

438
00:18:40,667 --> 00:18:42,500
"And believe me, you don't
want to see it anyway

439
00:18:42,500 --> 00:18:45,125
"because, I mean, on the
whole it's not a visually

440
00:18:45,125 --> 00:18:46,333
appealing package."

441
00:18:46,333 --> 00:18:48,458
The whole, the junk,
as the men call it.

442
00:18:48,458 --> 00:18:50,875
Your junk is not appealing
to anyone, really,

443
00:18:50,875 --> 00:18:52,125
even to straight women.

444
00:18:52,125 --> 00:18:54,667
Most of my women friends are
straight, and they've never,

445
00:18:54,667 --> 00:18:57,000
ever said to me,
"Oh, my God, Ro.

446
00:18:57,000 --> 00:18:59,708
Last night I saw the
most beautiful penis."

447
00:18:59,708 --> 00:19:00,959
Doesn't happen.

448
00:19:00,959 --> 00:19:04,208
Even straight women don't
like it is what I'm saying.

449
00:19:04,208 --> 00:19:06,291
All right, the gay boys,
I know you enjoy it.

450
00:19:06,291 --> 00:19:07,959
Work that out
amongst yourselves.

451
00:19:07,959 --> 00:19:10,542
I think that's narcissism,
but it's all right.

452
00:19:13,667 --> 00:19:15,708
Chelsea is--she's an
interesting girl.

453
00:19:15,708 --> 00:19:19,917
She spoke in fluent sentences,
complete sentences, from

454
00:19:19,917 --> 00:19:21,375
a year and a half.

455
00:19:21,375 --> 00:19:23,834
OK? Now, most toddlers--like,
my baby's, like, a year and 4

456
00:19:23,834 --> 00:19:26,542
months right now, and she's
just saying a full sentence.

457
00:19:26,542 --> 00:19:30,250
She said, her first
sentence was last week.

458
00:19:30,250 --> 00:19:34,166
She said, "I said no!"
Wonder where she heard that.

459
00:19:34,166 --> 00:19:39,000
But Chelsea at that same age,
you know, like Parker would be

460
00:19:39,000 --> 00:19:42,250
in the playroom peeing into
the Fisher Price kitchen sink,

461
00:19:42,250 --> 00:19:46,291
you know, and Chelsea would
come back and say, "Mother, my

462
00:19:46,291 --> 00:19:50,583
brother is urinating in the
room adjacent to the den."

463
00:19:50,583 --> 00:19:53,125
It just freaked me out a little
bit is all I'm saying.

464
00:19:53,125 --> 00:19:54,291
But she was always smart.

465
00:19:54,291 --> 00:19:56,125
Like at 7 years old she
said, "How come I have two

466
00:19:56,125 --> 00:19:59,750
mothers and neither of them
have high heels?"

467
00:19:59,750 --> 00:20:02,083
That's pretty, you know,
that's a good thought, right?

468
00:20:02,083 --> 00:20:03,208
I said to her, "Listen.

469
00:20:03,208 --> 00:20:06,583
"Usually with two moms,
not a lot of high heels.

470
00:20:06,583 --> 00:20:09,542
However, if you had two
daddies..."

471
00:20:12,250 --> 00:20:13,208
"whole 'nother thing."

472
00:20:13,208 --> 00:20:16,250
See? "Wax on, wax off,
grasshopper.

473
00:20:16,250 --> 00:20:19,125
Take this stone from my hand."

474
00:20:19,125 --> 00:20:20,500
Yeah.

475
00:20:20,500 --> 00:20:23,291
She's interesting,
an interesting little kid,

476
00:20:23,291 --> 00:20:24,625
and then I got Blakey, my son.

477
00:20:24,625 --> 00:20:27,000
He's 14, delicious.

478
00:20:27,000 --> 00:20:28,792
He's just delicious.
He hates when I say that.

479
00:20:28,792 --> 00:20:31,083
He's like, "Don't say
that about me," but he is.

480
00:20:31,083 --> 00:20:33,959
I just love him to death, and
he's the cutest little boy

481
00:20:33,959 --> 00:20:35,166
in the world.

482
00:20:35,166 --> 00:20:36,667
He had a very severe
learning disability,

483
00:20:36,667 --> 00:20:39,667
an auditory processing
disorder, and severe dyslexia,

484
00:20:39,667 --> 00:20:41,542
and luckily, we had a
woman work with him.

485
00:20:41,542 --> 00:20:42,667
He's doing so great.

486
00:20:42,667 --> 00:20:44,792
He's about to enter high
school, but last month,

487
00:20:44,792 --> 00:20:47,708
he failed his algebra test,
and he came home crying,

488
00:20:47,708 --> 00:20:49,792
and I felt so bad
for him, you know?

489
00:20:49,792 --> 00:20:52,208
I looked at him. I said,
"Honey, there's no way to

490
00:20:52,208 --> 00:20:55,834
"solve those problems.

491
00:20:55,834 --> 00:20:59,667
"It's a trick that the
grownups play on kids,

492
00:20:59,667 --> 00:21:02,166
"like the Tooth Fairy,
the Easter Bunny.

493
00:21:02,166 --> 00:21:05,083
It's bullshit, honey.
Don't even worry about it."

494
00:21:05,083 --> 00:21:06,542
Remember algebra?

495
00:21:06,542 --> 00:21:09,917
A bus leaves Utah at 9 PM
traveling 12 miles per hour.

496
00:21:09,917 --> 00:21:11,500
Another bus leaves Florida
at 6 PM

497
00:21:11,500 --> 00:21:13,333
traveling 45 miles per hour.

498
00:21:13,333 --> 00:21:16,000
How many Jewish
people on board?

499
00:21:19,125 --> 00:21:20,959
I did that joke in Vegas
once, and a lady

500
00:21:20,959 --> 00:21:24,667
in the front goes, "None.
I would never take a bus."

501
00:21:27,375 --> 00:21:31,333
I'm telling you,
I love my Jews. I love the Jews.

502
00:21:31,333 --> 00:21:33,708
Always wanted to be
a Jew, really.

503
00:21:33,708 --> 00:21:35,375
When you grow up on Long
Island, everyone is either

504
00:21:35,375 --> 00:21:36,875
Jewish or Catholic.

505
00:21:36,875 --> 00:21:37,875
That's it, right?

506
00:21:37,875 --> 00:21:39,708
There's no Protestants
anywhere, right,

507
00:21:39,708 --> 00:21:41,542
and the Catholics,
we had, like, boring,

508
00:21:41,542 --> 00:21:42,917
horrible, horrible homes.

509
00:21:42,917 --> 00:21:45,208
Like, nothing exciting ever
happens in the Catholic,

510
00:21:45,208 --> 00:21:46,708
but the Jews, what
did they have?

511
00:21:46,708 --> 00:21:49,708
Shag rugs.
White leather furniture.

512
00:21:49,708 --> 00:21:52,375
A Cadillac in the
garage, you know?

513
00:21:52,375 --> 00:21:55,500
We had peeling linoleum.

514
00:21:55,500 --> 00:21:58,375
A plaid brown couch
from Levitz

515
00:21:58,375 --> 00:22:00,792
with one leg a little wobbly.

516
00:22:00,792 --> 00:22:02,708
A station wagon with paneling.

517
00:22:02,708 --> 00:22:04,417
You know, it wasn't good.

518
00:22:06,917 --> 00:22:09,083
I did. I wanted to be
a Jew so bad.

519
00:22:09,083 --> 00:22:10,458
A lot of my family thought
it was because of

520
00:22:10,458 --> 00:22:14,083
Barbra Streisand, who I still
think is, you know, God.

521
00:22:14,083 --> 00:22:19,000
and, really, I can't get over
the fact that I know her.

522
00:22:19,000 --> 00:22:21,208
I can't. Like, in my head,
it doesn't really--

523
00:22:21,208 --> 00:22:24,083
I can't get it that I know her.

524
00:22:24,083 --> 00:22:26,583
You know, she was on my show,
and I got to meet her,

525
00:22:26,583 --> 00:22:28,917
and I went to her house
and did interviews, but still,

526
00:22:28,917 --> 00:22:32,875
that I know her, you know,
really hit home in 2007

527
00:22:32,875 --> 00:22:34,250
when I was on "The View."

528
00:22:34,250 --> 00:22:38,458
9:30 at night, I got a phone
call from her manager that said

529
00:22:38,458 --> 00:22:41,333
Barbra was in Miami,
and she wasn't happy

530
00:22:41,333 --> 00:22:43,792
with the hotel that they
had for her.

531
00:22:43,792 --> 00:22:48,083
Did I know anyone who had a
home in Miami that she could

532
00:22:48,083 --> 00:22:54,333
rent for two weeks with
her entourage of 16 people?

533
00:22:54,333 --> 00:22:58,333
I said, "I just happen to have
a home in Miami that is empty

534
00:22:58,333 --> 00:23:00,959
"that could accommodate that
amount of people and even

535
00:23:00,959 --> 00:23:04,208
"more, and it would be my
pleasure to have her stay

536
00:23:04,208 --> 00:23:06,792
there as my guest,"
and they said,

537
00:23:06,792 --> 00:23:12,125
"Thank you.
She'll be there in one hour,"

538
00:23:12,125 --> 00:23:14,291
and I said,
"Not a problem, sir."

539
00:23:14,291 --> 00:23:16,750
I hung up, and then I
called Maria, who lives there

540
00:23:16,750 --> 00:23:18,250
and works for me,
and I said,

541
00:23:18,250 --> 00:23:23,583
"Mija, tiene un mucho problemo.

542
00:23:23,583 --> 00:23:26,208
"You go to the florist and you
buy every fucking peach rose

543
00:23:26,208 --> 00:23:27,834
"in Florida.

544
00:23:27,834 --> 00:23:31,083
"You put them all
over the house.

545
00:23:31,083 --> 00:23:34,625
"Limpia mi casa, Maria.
Limpia mi casa."

546
00:23:39,542 --> 00:23:41,917
I couldn't believe
she was coming to my house.

547
00:23:41,917 --> 00:23:44,500
I was, like, overwhelmed, and
then I start to freak out

548
00:23:44,500 --> 00:23:48,458
because I had huge, like,
10-foot-by-5-foot posters

549
00:23:48,458 --> 00:23:52,125
of every movie she had done
in different countries,

550
00:23:52,125 --> 00:23:55,291
like, you know,
"A Star is Born" in Romania,

551
00:23:55,291 --> 00:23:57,792
like, you know,
"Hello Dolly" from Spain, like,

552
00:23:57,792 --> 00:24:00,500
and I had them all framed
in the house, right?

553
00:24:00,500 --> 00:24:03,125
So I said to Maria, "Holy shit,
what did she say?"

554
00:24:03,125 --> 00:24:04,834
and Maria said she walked in,
and she looked,

555
00:24:04,834 --> 00:24:07,834
and she said, "Oh, my God,
did she do all this for me?"

556
00:24:11,166 --> 00:24:15,834
and Maria said, "No, Missus.
She really loves you.

557
00:24:15,834 --> 00:24:17,250
"Every day...

558
00:24:17,250 --> 00:24:22,375
♪ Memories,
memories, memories ♪"

559
00:24:24,291 --> 00:24:26,250
I couldn't work.
I couldn't sleep.

560
00:24:26,250 --> 00:24:28,208
I couldn't do anything
that she was in my house.

561
00:24:28,208 --> 00:24:32,166
You know, every moment that I
was not on television working,

562
00:24:32,166 --> 00:24:33,417
I was on the phone with--

563
00:24:33,417 --> 00:24:35,750
"Where is she now, Maria?"

564
00:24:35,750 --> 00:24:38,000
"Oh, Miss Rosie, she's
by the pool lounging."

565
00:24:38,000 --> 00:24:40,166
"Which lounge chair is she on?"

566
00:24:40,166 --> 00:24:41,375
"The third one from the left."

567
00:24:41,375 --> 00:24:46,125
"When she gets up, you wheel
that into the garage.

568
00:24:46,125 --> 00:24:48,708
"You put crime scene tape
around that and you don't let

569
00:24:48,708 --> 00:24:53,458
anyone touch that, Maria,
until I get there."

570
00:24:53,458 --> 00:24:55,083
She says, "Oh, Miss Rosie,
she's coming."

571
00:24:55,083 --> 00:24:58,417
I'm like, "Speak Spanish!
Speak Spanish!"

572
00:25:03,417 --> 00:25:06,041
She bought me a new toaster.

573
00:25:06,041 --> 00:25:07,750
I know. I was overwhelmed.

574
00:25:07,750 --> 00:25:10,208
I said, "No one can
touch it until I arrive."

575
00:25:10,208 --> 00:25:12,375
Then I emptied out all
the crumbs, and I put them

576
00:25:12,375 --> 00:25:16,959
in a Plexiglas thing--
"Barbra Streisand's crumbs,"

577
00:25:16,959 --> 00:25:19,625
and then I wrote,
"And James Brolin, too."

578
00:25:19,625 --> 00:25:22,792
How could I separate them?
There was no real way to do it.

579
00:25:22,792 --> 00:25:24,625
I love her.
I can't even get over it.

580
00:25:24,625 --> 00:25:27,250
I just love her. I still do.
I love her so much.

581
00:25:27,250 --> 00:25:30,083
My daughter Vivi, she wants
to be an entertainer,

582
00:25:30,083 --> 00:25:32,000
and she reminds me of me
when I was a kid, you know,

583
00:25:32,000 --> 00:25:33,291
how I knew everything
about Barbra.

584
00:25:33,291 --> 00:25:35,792
I loved Barbra.
I kept talking about Barbra.

585
00:25:35,792 --> 00:25:37,333
That's Vivi.

586
00:25:37,333 --> 00:25:39,083
She wants to be a
performer, and she has

587
00:25:39,083 --> 00:25:40,375
a favorite performer.

588
00:25:40,375 --> 00:25:42,250
Do you know who it is?

589
00:25:42,250 --> 00:25:45,792
Ellen DeGeneres.

590
00:25:45,792 --> 00:25:47,291
It's true.

591
00:25:47,291 --> 00:25:50,333
She loves Ellen
the way I love Barbra.

592
00:25:50,333 --> 00:25:52,125
Some days, she says
things to me like,

593
00:25:52,125 --> 00:25:55,959
"Mommy, why can't you be
more like Ellen?

594
00:25:55,959 --> 00:25:59,291
"Why can't you have a
TV show like Ellen?

595
00:25:59,291 --> 00:26:03,291
"If you had a show like Ellen,
I could meet Justin Bieber.

596
00:26:03,291 --> 00:26:04,542
I could meet The Wanted."

597
00:26:04,542 --> 00:26:06,000
Like, I didn't know
what to say to her.

598
00:26:06,000 --> 00:26:07,291
So finally, I said,
"You know what, honey?

599
00:26:07,291 --> 00:26:10,625
I was Ellen before Ellen
was Ellen,"

600
00:26:10,625 --> 00:26:13,000
and she said,
"Well, what do you mean?"

601
00:26:13,000 --> 00:26:15,250
You know, I said,
"Well, I'm just saying,

602
00:26:15,250 --> 00:26:17,375
I had a show just like hers
before hers,

603
00:26:17,375 --> 00:26:19,291
"and then I quit
so I could come home

604
00:26:19,291 --> 00:26:21,000
and take care of you."

605
00:26:21,000 --> 00:26:25,375
She said, "That was
a really bad decision."

606
00:26:26,959 --> 00:26:29,208
They don't get
that I was ever famous.

607
00:26:29,208 --> 00:26:31,000
My children do not
watch my movies.

608
00:26:31,000 --> 00:26:33,083
They have no interest
in my movies.

609
00:26:33,083 --> 00:26:35,041
They don't have any clue
that I was ever

610
00:26:35,041 --> 00:26:37,667
an entertainer at all.

611
00:26:37,667 --> 00:26:39,667
I brought Blake
to see Kevin Hart

612
00:26:39,667 --> 00:26:42,583
when he was 12 years old
at the Westbury Music Fair.

613
00:26:42,583 --> 00:26:44,250
He loves Kevin Hart.

614
00:26:44,250 --> 00:26:46,667
I had worked there many
times in my career.

615
00:26:46,667 --> 00:26:48,708
I went in through
the back way.

616
00:26:48,708 --> 00:26:51,041
All of the guys who worked
there--it's a union job--

617
00:26:51,041 --> 00:26:52,250
they had worked there
for 50 years.

618
00:26:52,250 --> 00:26:53,917
They all knew me.
They were like, "Hey, Rosie."

619
00:26:53,917 --> 00:26:55,458
I was giving them hugs
and everything.

620
00:26:55,458 --> 00:26:58,166
We got to our seat, and Blake
very innocently looked at me

621
00:26:58,166 --> 00:27:01,125
and said, "Mama, how
come all those guys know you?"

622
00:27:01,125 --> 00:27:03,500
and I said, "Well, honey,
I used to work here,"

623
00:27:03,500 --> 00:27:06,667
and he said, "Where,
in the concessions stand?"

624
00:27:08,542 --> 00:27:12,250
What the hell
do you say to that?

625
00:27:15,041 --> 00:27:17,875
The only time they ever knew
was Parker when he was

626
00:27:17,875 --> 00:27:22,000
4 years old, and it was in this
mall at this movie theater.

627
00:27:22,000 --> 00:27:25,041
I took him to see "Tarzan," and
I didn't want to explain it to

628
00:27:25,041 --> 00:27:27,417
him because I thought he's not
gonna understand I did the

629
00:27:27,417 --> 00:27:29,875
voice-over for it, but
15 minutes into the movie,

630
00:27:29,875 --> 00:27:35,708
he stood on his chair, and he
said, "That monkey's my mama!"

631
00:27:35,708 --> 00:27:37,708
So he was right,

632
00:27:37,708 --> 00:27:43,291
and I now have a new baby
who's, like, 15 months old,

633
00:27:43,291 --> 00:27:47,708
and I'm forcing her already
to watch my films.

634
00:27:47,708 --> 00:27:49,750
She's just delicious. She is.

635
00:27:49,750 --> 00:27:51,417
She's absolutely adorable,

636
00:27:51,417 --> 00:27:54,291
and she is my fifth child,
as I said,

637
00:27:54,291 --> 00:27:57,542
and this is my wife
Michelle's first child.

638
00:27:57,542 --> 00:28:02,000
So I assumed before we got
the baby that she would defer

639
00:28:02,000 --> 00:28:07,583
to me in judgments about
children and childrearing.

640
00:28:07,583 --> 00:28:10,417
This was an error.

641
00:28:10,417 --> 00:28:13,750
First night, we take the baby
to a hotel in Los Angeles

642
00:28:13,750 --> 00:28:15,875
where she was born,

643
00:28:15,875 --> 00:28:19,166
healthy baby, 7 1/2 pounds,
good to go.

644
00:28:19,166 --> 00:28:22,125
We walk in.
Michelle says, "Oh, my God,

645
00:28:22,125 --> 00:28:24,458
we forgot to order a crib."

646
00:28:24,458 --> 00:28:25,750
I said, "Don't worry, honey.

647
00:28:25,750 --> 00:28:27,291
"Baby's gonna sleep right on me

648
00:28:27,291 --> 00:28:28,417
just like all the
other ones did."

649
00:28:28,417 --> 00:28:29,750
She said, "Huh!

650
00:28:29,750 --> 00:28:32,959
"Did you read that pamphlet
they gave us at the hospital?

651
00:28:32,959 --> 00:28:35,375
"Co-sleeping with a baby
is very dangerous.

652
00:28:35,375 --> 00:28:38,291
You could roll over and
suffocate an infant."

653
00:28:38,291 --> 00:28:40,708
Right away I thought,
"What is this, a fat joke again?

654
00:28:40,708 --> 00:28:42,458
What the fuck?
Is she going for that?"

655
00:28:42,458 --> 00:28:43,792
I know I'm sensitive.

656
00:28:43,792 --> 00:28:45,458
I know I'm sensitive, but that's
really what I thought.

657
00:28:45,458 --> 00:28:47,959
Old tapes are playing.
I'm trying to silence them.

658
00:28:47,959 --> 00:28:51,667
But the thing is--

659
00:28:51,667 --> 00:28:54,250
I said to her, "I haven't
suffocated the other ones.

660
00:28:54,250 --> 00:28:56,125
I'm sure this one will be OK."

661
00:28:56,125 --> 00:28:57,625
She did not listen.

662
00:28:57,625 --> 00:29:00,417
She took a drawer
from the dresser.

663
00:29:00,417 --> 00:29:03,291
She lined it with
bathrobes and towels.

664
00:29:03,291 --> 00:29:06,625
She then put the baby
in the drawer, got a pillow,

665
00:29:06,625 --> 00:29:09,333
and lied down next to the drawer
on the floor

666
00:29:09,333 --> 00:29:13,417
so she could be close to
the baby if anything happened.

667
00:29:13,417 --> 00:29:17,041
It's her first kid.
Isn't that sweet?

668
00:29:17,041 --> 00:29:20,000
I was in the king size bed
with a down comforter

669
00:29:20,000 --> 00:29:24,250
watching HBO going,
"Knock yourself out, sweetheart!

670
00:29:24,250 --> 00:29:26,542
"Thank God you're
down there, honey.

671
00:29:26,542 --> 00:29:29,500
"I don't know if she
would've survived the night.

672
00:29:29,500 --> 00:29:33,708
"Yeah. Oh, oh, is she breathing?

673
00:29:33,708 --> 00:29:36,166
"You might want to put a mirror
under her nose

674
00:29:36,166 --> 00:29:38,834
every 5 minutes or so."

675
00:29:38,834 --> 00:29:40,208
It just pissed me off,
you know?

676
00:29:40,208 --> 00:29:43,166
I think she should defer
to me, don't you think?

677
00:29:43,166 --> 00:29:44,792
It's been a problem.

678
00:29:44,792 --> 00:29:46,750
Like, we really don't fight
in our relationship,

679
00:29:46,750 --> 00:29:47,959
but this was a problem.

680
00:29:47,959 --> 00:29:51,000
Like, the second week
the baby was alive,

681
00:29:51,000 --> 00:29:52,667
we were back here
in New York.

682
00:29:52,667 --> 00:29:55,458
It was January, right?
It was January.

683
00:29:55,458 --> 00:29:56,875
The baby's, like,
a week and a half old.

684
00:29:56,875 --> 00:29:59,208
We take her to
the pediatrician.

685
00:29:59,208 --> 00:30:03,417
I take the car seat out of
the car with the baby in it.

686
00:30:03,417 --> 00:30:06,375
Michelle grabs both of my
arms and says,

687
00:30:06,375 --> 00:30:09,375
"Honey, are you surefooted?"

688
00:30:12,500 --> 00:30:15,542
"Am I what? Am I left-footed?
Is that even a word?

689
00:30:15,542 --> 00:30:17,208
What the hell did you say?"

690
00:30:17,208 --> 00:30:18,708
She's like,
"Are you surefooted?

691
00:30:18,708 --> 00:30:21,291
"Do you think you can surely
walk in there without dropping

692
00:30:21,291 --> 00:30:23,583
the baby in case
there's ice on the--"

693
00:30:23,583 --> 00:30:26,458
"Well, I didn't bring my
mountain climbing equipment,

694
00:30:26,458 --> 00:30:29,375
honey, but I'm pretty sure I can
get it to the doctor's office."

695
00:30:29,375 --> 00:30:32,625
I just felt it was insulting,
you know what I mean?

696
00:30:32,625 --> 00:30:35,166
We fought a lot until finally,
like, something she gave in.

697
00:30:35,166 --> 00:30:38,208
Like, she gave in on the baby
sleeping in the bed with us,

698
00:30:38,208 --> 00:30:40,500
right, and then she told me,
"Oh, my God, it's so dreamy.

699
00:30:40,500 --> 00:30:44,000
I don't know why--"
Yeah. I'm like, "Right. Right."

700
00:30:44,000 --> 00:30:49,208
About two months ago,
the baby fell out of the bed

701
00:30:49,208 --> 00:30:54,250
on Michelle's side.

702
00:30:54,250 --> 00:30:58,583
She climbed over
her Xanax-filled body

703
00:30:58,583 --> 00:31:01,792
and toppled to the ground
onto her diaper.

704
00:31:01,792 --> 00:31:03,625
The baby was fine.
She cried for two minutes.

705
00:31:03,625 --> 00:31:05,667
I put her back in the bed.
She was all right.

706
00:31:05,667 --> 00:31:07,250
Michelle was hysterical.

707
00:31:07,250 --> 00:31:08,792
"Oh, my God! What did I do?

708
00:31:08,792 --> 00:31:12,542
"It's my fault. I did it.
I did it. I did it.

709
00:31:12,542 --> 00:31:14,208
"I'm never taking
Xanax again.

710
00:31:14,208 --> 00:31:16,917
Oh, my God! I did it! I did it!"

711
00:31:16,917 --> 00:31:19,000
I'm like, "You better take
another one now, honey,

712
00:31:19,000 --> 00:31:20,625
because you're kind of
flipping out about this."

713
00:31:20,625 --> 00:31:23,667
"We have to go to the hospital,
but I can't because I did it!

714
00:31:23,667 --> 00:31:25,458
I did it!"

715
00:31:25,458 --> 00:31:27,291
I'm like, "You want to go
to the hospital? Let's go."

716
00:31:27,291 --> 00:31:32,125
She's like, "OK, but when we get
there tell them you did it!"

717
00:31:32,125 --> 00:31:34,625
Tell them I did it?

718
00:31:34,625 --> 00:31:35,959
Like that would be
good for our life?

719
00:31:35,959 --> 00:31:37,667
Could you imagine what
would have happened?

720
00:31:37,667 --> 00:31:40,458
[Humming "Entertainment Tonight"
theme music]

721
00:31:40,458 --> 00:31:44,125
"Justin Bieber arrested again,
and Rosie O'Donnell dropped

722
00:31:44,125 --> 00:31:47,333
"her fifth baby on its head.

723
00:31:47,333 --> 00:31:51,458
Damn it, we thought
she was surefooted."

724
00:31:54,667 --> 00:31:58,875
I got married in 2012, which was
very interesting to me because

725
00:31:58,875 --> 00:32:02,166
I didn't think I would
get married again.

726
00:32:02,166 --> 00:32:03,708
Yeah, I don't know.

727
00:32:03,708 --> 00:32:05,875
Anyone here divorced?
Anyone here divorced?

728
00:32:05,875 --> 00:32:08,625
Yeah, a bunch of people.
Yeah, it's hard, divorce, right?

729
00:32:08,625 --> 00:32:10,375
Isn't it? I actually--

730
00:32:10,375 --> 00:32:12,333
Well, I didn't really get
divorced because my

731
00:32:12,333 --> 00:32:15,125
marriage to Kelly was
actually annulled by the state

732
00:32:15,125 --> 00:32:16,458
of California.

733
00:32:16,458 --> 00:32:17,959
It was illegal back then when
we did it, which really pissed

734
00:32:17,959 --> 00:32:20,625
me off at the time, but came
in very handy when I needed to

735
00:32:20,625 --> 00:32:23,166
get divorced.

736
00:32:23,166 --> 00:32:25,792
Tick a lock. Everything's fine.
Lesbians are friends.

737
00:32:25,792 --> 00:32:30,041
Listen, the thing is,
I met my wife

738
00:32:30,041 --> 00:32:34,333
at the Starbucks store,
coffee place.

739
00:32:34,333 --> 00:32:36,834
You know it.
Everyone's been there.

740
00:32:36,834 --> 00:32:39,708
I met her at Starbucks,
and it was really kind

741
00:32:39,708 --> 00:32:43,417
of strange because she
did not look gay to me,

742
00:32:43,417 --> 00:32:45,375
OK, and I know that's strange.

743
00:32:45,375 --> 00:32:46,875
Like, you, you're not gay,
right?

744
00:32:46,875 --> 00:32:49,125
Right.
You're heterosexual, right?

745
00:32:49,125 --> 00:32:51,542
Yeah, and I just want you to
know that I feel you were born

746
00:32:51,542 --> 00:32:56,166
that way, and I do not hold it
against you in any capacity.

747
00:32:56,166 --> 00:32:58,542
So if you want to be with men,
you go right ahead

748
00:32:58,542 --> 00:33:00,208
and you marry who you want to.

749
00:33:00,208 --> 00:33:01,375
It's OK.

750
00:33:01,375 --> 00:33:04,125
You can't help that you know
how to apply makeup.

751
00:33:04,125 --> 00:33:06,583
It's genetic.

752
00:33:06,583 --> 00:33:10,583
But there's something about
gay women that, no matter how

753
00:33:10,583 --> 00:33:13,291
beautiful they are,
I always notice.

754
00:33:13,291 --> 00:33:14,500
Like, there's a little streak

755
00:33:14,500 --> 00:33:16,667
of LPGA running
through them.

756
00:33:16,667 --> 00:33:18,500
Do you know what I'm saying?
Do you know?

757
00:33:18,500 --> 00:33:20,375
Like, you look at them, you know
they can throw

758
00:33:20,375 --> 00:33:22,000
from third to first.

759
00:33:22,000 --> 00:33:23,250
That's my point.

760
00:33:23,250 --> 00:33:25,417
They can probably sink a
3-point shot at least from

761
00:33:25,417 --> 00:33:26,750
the college line.

762
00:33:26,750 --> 00:33:27,792
That's all I'm saying.

763
00:33:27,792 --> 00:33:29,667
To me, it's an admirable
sexy quality, right,

764
00:33:29,667 --> 00:33:32,542
but she had none of that,
you know?

765
00:33:32,542 --> 00:33:35,417
She did not look gay, which
I can say as a lesbian,

766
00:33:35,417 --> 00:33:39,250
but you better not because you'd
be a homophobic bigot, and--

767
00:33:39,250 --> 00:33:41,333
Got to watch that, OK?

768
00:33:41,333 --> 00:33:44,708
Thing is, I walked in
and there she is--

769
00:33:44,708 --> 00:33:47,583
like, size two, like,
you know, designer jeans,

770
00:33:47,583 --> 00:33:51,583
high heels, her nails all done,
her hair blown out, makeup on.

771
00:33:51,583 --> 00:33:54,875
In a million years, I did
not think she was gay, OK,

772
00:33:54,875 --> 00:33:57,917
and she's holding a puppy,
and we started talking,

773
00:33:57,917 --> 00:33:59,917
and she was very friendly,
very nice,

774
00:33:59,917 --> 00:34:01,834
and I said to her, "You know,
you better be careful

775
00:34:01,834 --> 00:34:04,583
"because first, you get the
little dog like me 20 years ago,

776
00:34:04,583 --> 00:34:07,917
and then, before you know it,
I had my first child,"

777
00:34:07,917 --> 00:34:10,500
and she said, "Well, actually,
I'm trying to get pregnant."

778
00:34:10,500 --> 00:34:12,208
I said, "Oh, my God, well,
it's the best thing

779
00:34:12,208 --> 00:34:13,625
"that you'll ever do
in your life.

780
00:34:13,625 --> 00:34:15,333
"You'll never regret it, and
you're very young, and I'm sure

781
00:34:15,333 --> 00:34:17,291
you and your husband
will have no problem,"

782
00:34:17,291 --> 00:34:19,417
and she said, "Well, thank you
I'm actually not that young.

783
00:34:19,417 --> 00:34:22,083
I'm 38, and I don't
have a husband,"

784
00:34:22,083 --> 00:34:25,500
and I said, "Oh, well, actually,
38 is not that old.

785
00:34:25,500 --> 00:34:28,625
"I'm sure you have a couple of
healthy eggs in there somewhere.

786
00:34:28,625 --> 00:34:30,291
"I don't know, but--

787
00:34:30,291 --> 00:34:32,875
and your boyfriend or
whatever, you'll work it out."

788
00:34:32,875 --> 00:34:34,792
She goes, "No, I don't
have a boyfriend, either.

789
00:34:34,792 --> 00:34:36,291
I'm a lesbian."

790
00:34:36,291 --> 00:34:40,000
I said, "Ah, I'm really sorry.
I thought you just said lesbian.

791
00:34:40,000 --> 00:34:41,834
"What did you say? Librarian?

792
00:34:41,834 --> 00:34:44,125
Is that what you said?
You're a librarian?"

793
00:34:44,125 --> 00:34:46,834
She's like, "No, no.
I'm a lesbian."

794
00:34:46,834 --> 00:34:49,166
I'm like, "You're a lesbian?"
She said, "Yeah."

795
00:34:49,166 --> 00:34:54,000
"You're like a lesbian lesbian,
like, a real lesbian

796
00:34:54,000 --> 00:34:58,083
"or like an Anne Heche
Lindsey Lohan lesbian?

797
00:34:58,083 --> 00:35:00,083
"What kind of lesbian are you?

798
00:35:00,083 --> 00:35:01,542
"Because you're kind
of confusing me.

799
00:35:01,542 --> 00:35:03,583
"Like, you're at the buffet,
you're taking the shrimp

800
00:35:03,583 --> 00:35:05,000
"but you really
want the sausage.

801
00:35:05,000 --> 00:35:07,750
"What's happening, lady?
I'm not following you.

802
00:35:07,750 --> 00:35:10,667
What's going on?
You're confusing me."

803
00:35:10,667 --> 00:35:13,417
Then she told me like I was
an idiot. She's like this.

804
00:35:13,417 --> 00:35:15,250
She goes, "Well,
I'm a lipstick lesbian.

805
00:35:15,250 --> 00:35:16,417
Have you ever heard
of the term?"

806
00:35:16,417 --> 00:35:17,667
I said, "Yes. I've heard of it

807
00:35:17,667 --> 00:35:22,917
like I've heard of Bigfoot
and the Loch Ness Monster."

808
00:35:22,917 --> 00:35:26,458
Doesn't mean I've ever seen
one in real life, you know?

809
00:35:26,458 --> 00:35:29,458
I mean, you see them on TV
on the "Real L Word,"

810
00:35:29,458 --> 00:35:32,792
but you don't see them
in real life, you know?

811
00:35:32,792 --> 00:35:35,208
Turns out she has
a gaggle of friends

812
00:35:35,208 --> 00:35:37,041
that are all just like her.

813
00:35:37,041 --> 00:35:39,667
They're all like Barbie-looking
lesbians, you know?

814
00:35:39,667 --> 00:35:41,917
The first time I went
out to dinner with them,

815
00:35:41,917 --> 00:35:45,708
I felt like I was on "Mutual
of Omaha's Wild Kingdom."

816
00:35:45,708 --> 00:35:49,208
"Oh, what a lucky
spotting we have today.

817
00:35:49,208 --> 00:35:54,625
"Take a look at this.
This is very unusual indeed.

818
00:35:54,625 --> 00:35:58,583
"This is
the lipstick lesbian.

819
00:35:58,583 --> 00:36:01,208
"Notice the application
of the makeup,

820
00:36:01,208 --> 00:36:03,166
"very rare for their kind,

821
00:36:03,166 --> 00:36:06,166
"oh, and the movement
in the high heels,

822
00:36:06,166 --> 00:36:09,750
nearly unheard of
amongst their tribe."

823
00:36:11,583 --> 00:36:13,583
Lipstick lesbian.

824
00:36:13,583 --> 00:36:16,291
I almost didn't want to date her
because she was too pretty.

825
00:36:16,291 --> 00:36:18,625
I didn't know what
to do, you know?

826
00:36:18,625 --> 00:36:20,875
Luckily, I was working
in Chicago at the time.

827
00:36:20,875 --> 00:36:23,667
So the first 3 months,
we really just communicated

828
00:36:23,667 --> 00:36:26,375
by email, on the phone,
and Skype, you know?

829
00:36:26,375 --> 00:36:28,917
We didn't, like, really have
a date or anything,

830
00:36:28,917 --> 00:36:31,500
and then came that night,
the first night,

831
00:36:31,500 --> 00:36:33,125
and I was already
in love with her.

832
00:36:33,125 --> 00:36:34,792
We were already in love
by that point, right?

833
00:36:34,792 --> 00:36:37,375
Lesbians, you know, "I love
you," on the third date.

834
00:36:37,375 --> 00:36:41,542
"Let's get tattoos and
get married. Whoo!" you know.

835
00:36:41,542 --> 00:36:44,083
So the first time we ever
spent the night together,

836
00:36:44,083 --> 00:36:45,083
I was already in love with her.

837
00:36:45,083 --> 00:36:46,417
We were already in love, right?

838
00:36:46,417 --> 00:36:49,792
It was kind of nice, but I
was still kind of nervous.

839
00:36:49,792 --> 00:36:53,250
So the first night, I pretty
much had footy pajamas on

840
00:36:53,250 --> 00:36:55,708
in the bed with the down
cover over me, you know?

841
00:36:55,708 --> 00:36:57,792
It takes me two minutes
to get ready to bed.

842
00:36:57,792 --> 00:36:59,583
For her, 45 minutes.

843
00:36:59,583 --> 00:37:01,542
I laid there, you know,
and she walked out

844
00:37:01,542 --> 00:37:05,291
of the bathroom just wearing
a thong, right,

845
00:37:05,291 --> 00:37:07,583
and I, like, looked at her and
said, "You know what, honey?

846
00:37:07,583 --> 00:37:09,458
"I'm pretty much done.
That's good enough for me.

847
00:37:09,458 --> 00:37:12,250
"Get in the bed. Let's cuddle.
Come on. Get over here.

848
00:37:12,250 --> 00:37:15,250
"I cannot believe how good
that thing looks on you.

849
00:37:15,250 --> 00:37:18,834
That's how a thong is supposed
to look on a person."

850
00:37:18,834 --> 00:37:20,458
A thong does not look
like that on me.

851
00:37:20,458 --> 00:37:23,250
It looks like a magic trick
that David Copperfield is doing.

852
00:37:23,250 --> 00:37:26,083
It's, like, hanging there
like a napkin, with no--

853
00:37:26,083 --> 00:37:28,959
Because you can't see the straps
that go around.

854
00:37:28,959 --> 00:37:30,667
You know, they're hidden
in the--

855
00:37:30,667 --> 00:37:32,458
So it's just hanging there.

856
00:37:32,458 --> 00:37:34,959
That's not appealing,
is my point.

857
00:37:34,959 --> 00:37:38,500
Looks good on a thin person,
you know?

858
00:37:41,291 --> 00:37:43,667
And, you know, we were just
cuddling and touching

859
00:37:43,667 --> 00:37:46,083
in the bed, and she's like,
"Oh, my God, you're so sensual,"

860
00:37:46,083 --> 00:37:49,166
and I really was looking for
a Mattel stamp on her ass.

861
00:37:49,166 --> 00:37:52,250
You know, I thought she could be
half human, half doll.

862
00:37:52,250 --> 00:37:53,708
I didn't know what she was,
really.

863
00:37:53,708 --> 00:37:57,333
Back then, it was scary.
It was a little scary for us.

864
00:37:57,333 --> 00:38:00,375
So we fell in love, which
was a big surprise for me

865
00:38:00,375 --> 00:38:02,250
because I didn't think
that I would, you know,

866
00:38:02,250 --> 00:38:04,500
want to get married again,
but we did.

867
00:38:04,500 --> 00:38:08,291
We got engaged and made a date
to get married, August 17,

868
00:38:08,291 --> 00:38:11,667
and we went away over
Mother's Day to Napa Valley,

869
00:38:11,667 --> 00:38:14,375
and Michelle got sick.

870
00:38:14,375 --> 00:38:16,750
Yes, on Mother's Day,
she had a stomachache,

871
00:38:16,750 --> 00:38:18,667
and we stopped at the ER
thinking it would be

872
00:38:18,667 --> 00:38:20,375
something small, and they said,

873
00:38:20,375 --> 00:38:22,750
"We think she has a burst
ovarian cyst,"

874
00:38:22,750 --> 00:38:25,417
but she did not have
a burst ovarian cyst,

875
00:38:25,417 --> 00:38:28,458
and it took 40 nights
in different hospitals

876
00:38:28,458 --> 00:38:31,667
and 4 different doctors,
and finally, we got home

877
00:38:31,667 --> 00:38:35,208
to New York, and it was
the beginning of June,

878
00:38:35,208 --> 00:38:36,875
and I said to the doctor,

879
00:38:36,875 --> 00:38:38,875
"We're supposed to get
married in August.

880
00:38:38,875 --> 00:38:40,875
Do you think we should?"

881
00:38:40,875 --> 00:38:43,083
He said, "No. You should
postpone it because we don't

882
00:38:43,083 --> 00:38:46,708
"know what she has
and we don't know what to do,

883
00:38:46,708 --> 00:38:49,834
but we're gonna do exploratory
surgery in two days."

884
00:38:49,834 --> 00:38:52,875
So that next day, we got married
privately in the hospital,

885
00:38:52,875 --> 00:38:56,625
and the next day, she
had surgery, and they went in

886
00:38:56,625 --> 00:38:59,041
and took out 12 inches
of her colon,

887
00:38:59,041 --> 00:39:02,542
and they found a very
sticky, gluelike substance

888
00:39:02,542 --> 00:39:04,458
that turned out to be
a tumor called

889
00:39:04,458 --> 00:39:08,041
mesenteric fibromatosis,
also known as desmoid tumors.

890
00:39:08,041 --> 00:39:10,000
3 in a million people get them.

891
00:39:10,000 --> 00:39:13,917
It's a cancer, and we were very
lucky because the doctors

892
00:39:13,917 --> 00:39:16,917
said they got it all out,
and she should be fine,

893
00:39:16,917 --> 00:39:18,834
which was a huge relief,

894
00:39:18,834 --> 00:39:22,125
but she came home,
and we all took care of her

895
00:39:22,125 --> 00:39:24,542
and nursed her, you know,
week after week,

896
00:39:24,542 --> 00:39:27,250
and it was really interesting
because the focus

897
00:39:27,250 --> 00:39:29,208
was on Michelle, even
with my friends, you know?

898
00:39:29,208 --> 00:39:30,917
Like, I remember, I picked up
the phone, and it was like,

899
00:39:30,917 --> 00:39:33,500
"Hello, Rosie. It's Barbra,"
and I start to pee a little.

900
00:39:33,500 --> 00:39:36,125
So I'm like, "Kegel, Kegel,"
you know, because, still--

901
00:39:36,125 --> 00:39:37,667
I'm just saying that's
how much I love her.

902
00:39:37,667 --> 00:39:39,083
I get a little--
Oh, my God, right?

903
00:39:39,083 --> 00:39:41,667
I can't even, and I'm thinking
she's calling--

904
00:39:41,667 --> 00:39:43,583
She's like, "Can I speak
to Michelle?"

905
00:39:43,583 --> 00:39:46,125
I was like, "Oh. Oh, sure,"
you know?

906
00:39:46,125 --> 00:39:50,583
So Michelle spoke to Barbra
for, like, an hour, and--

907
00:39:52,291 --> 00:39:55,542
and Cyndi called,
Cyndi Lauper, you know,

908
00:39:55,542 --> 00:39:57,041
and she's like,
"Hey Wo, I can't bewieve

909
00:39:57,041 --> 00:39:59,291
"I haven't talked to you
in so wong.

910
00:39:59,291 --> 00:40:00,291
"What's going on, buddy?

911
00:40:00,291 --> 00:40:02,000
"Really, I want to speak
to Mich, though.

912
00:40:02,000 --> 00:40:05,625
So put her on the wine,
alwight?"

913
00:40:05,625 --> 00:40:07,834
So that was Cyndi--

914
00:40:07,834 --> 00:40:11,250
Cyndi and Barbra
Michelle was speaking to,

915
00:40:11,250 --> 00:40:14,458
and then Penny Marshall
called, who's a good, close

916
00:40:14,458 --> 00:40:16,792
friend, and I was sure
that Penny wanted to see

917
00:40:16,792 --> 00:40:18,792
how I was doing, you know,

918
00:40:18,792 --> 00:40:22,166
because I was the caretaker,
you know,

919
00:40:22,166 --> 00:40:25,000
And Penny's like, "Rosie!"
And I'm like,

920
00:40:25,000 --> 00:40:26,875
"Hey, Penny, thanks so much
for calling."

921
00:40:26,875 --> 00:40:29,375
"Yeah, no problem.
Let me talk to your wife."

922
00:40:32,417 --> 00:40:34,250
Now, I'm not saying there's
anything wrong with it

923
00:40:34,250 --> 00:40:38,500
because, you know, we were all
happy that she got better,

924
00:40:38,500 --> 00:40:41,333
but she did get
a lot of attention.

925
00:40:44,166 --> 00:40:47,166
You know, and I am a celebrity,
so I'm used to a certain

926
00:40:47,166 --> 00:40:50,834
amount of focus is my only
point that I'm trying to make.

927
00:40:50,834 --> 00:40:56,417
So, on August 14, I had a major
heart attack and I said,

928
00:40:56,417 --> 00:40:57,667
"Top that, bitch!"

929
00:41:03,083 --> 00:41:04,667
Michelle actually
wrote that joke.

930
00:41:04,667 --> 00:41:07,208
When I woke up after my heart
surgery, she actually said

931
00:41:07,208 --> 00:41:09,542
to me, "Are you so narcissistic
that you needed

932
00:41:09,542 --> 00:41:12,792
to top my illness?"

933
00:41:12,792 --> 00:41:17,166
I did. I had a heart attack on
August 14 right here in Nyack.

934
00:41:17,166 --> 00:41:18,834
We were at Nyack Hospital.

935
00:41:18,834 --> 00:41:21,083
Michelle was having a routine
scan to check that everything

936
00:41:21,083 --> 00:41:22,583
was OK and it was.

937
00:41:22,583 --> 00:41:24,875
We came out and parked
in the handicap spot.

938
00:41:24,875 --> 00:41:27,417
Was a woman
stuck in her car.

939
00:41:27,417 --> 00:41:28,875
The door was open.

940
00:41:28,875 --> 00:41:30,125
The steering wheel was here.

941
00:41:30,125 --> 00:41:32,333
Her walker was
somehow out of the car.

942
00:41:32,333 --> 00:41:34,542
Her body, her feet
were on the floor,

943
00:41:34,542 --> 00:41:37,375
but her body was
stuck in the door jamb.

944
00:41:37,375 --> 00:41:39,250
I estimated she was
over 400 pounds.

945
00:41:39,250 --> 00:41:41,250
I only know this because
my heaviest was 230.

946
00:41:41,250 --> 00:41:44,208
I understand the shame of
being overweight in America.

947
00:41:44,208 --> 00:41:45,750
I saw it in her eyes.

948
00:41:45,750 --> 00:41:48,375
She looked at me and said,
"Will you help me?" and I

949
00:41:48,375 --> 00:41:52,417
said, "Yes," and I should have
gone in and gotten orderlies.

950
00:41:52,417 --> 00:41:55,083
I didn't know it would
be as difficult as it was.

951
00:41:55,083 --> 00:41:56,458
It took about 20 minutes.

952
00:41:56,458 --> 00:41:58,542
Finally we got her
up and into the hospital

953
00:41:58,542 --> 00:42:00,041
and Michelle and I went home.

954
00:42:00,041 --> 00:42:03,208
And two hours later, my
biceps were killing me.

955
00:42:03,208 --> 00:42:06,125
Not a little bit, and
it was not radiating pain.

956
00:42:06,125 --> 00:42:09,417
It felt as though a bear
had grabbed both of my arms

957
00:42:09,417 --> 00:42:11,500
and ripped out the muscle.

958
00:42:11,500 --> 00:42:14,291
I thought this must have
been from lifting her up.

959
00:42:14,291 --> 00:42:17,333
Then my son Blake, who was
12 at the time, said, "Mommy,

960
00:42:17,333 --> 00:42:20,458
you look like a ghost," and I
looked in the mirror and it's

961
00:42:20,458 --> 00:42:23,917
true--I was as white as
the shirt I was wearing.

962
00:42:23,917 --> 00:42:26,000
I then had to go to therapy.

963
00:42:26,000 --> 00:42:29,583
My therapist here in Nyack,
a British woman,

964
00:42:29,583 --> 00:42:32,125
kind of smartass,
kind of nasty,

965
00:42:32,125 --> 00:42:35,583
a little superior acting, like
Mary Poppins on crystal meth.

966
00:42:38,750 --> 00:42:40,625
I told her the story.
I said, "Do you think there's

967
00:42:40,625 --> 00:42:42,542
any chance that I could be
having a heart attack?"

968
00:42:42,542 --> 00:42:45,583
And she said, "Oh, no, Rosie,
what's happening to you,

969
00:42:45,583 --> 00:42:49,041
"darling, is you're
somaticizing your emotions.

970
00:42:49,041 --> 00:42:51,792
"When you looked at that woman,
you thought to yourself,

971
00:42:51,792 --> 00:42:54,792
"'There before the grace
of God go I.'

972
00:42:54,792 --> 00:42:57,917
"You knew this was your
future and that that woman was

973
00:42:57,917 --> 00:43:00,625
the ghost of Christmas
Future for you.'"

974
00:43:02,959 --> 00:43:04,125
Fucking bitch.

975
00:43:06,291 --> 00:43:09,542
She said I was not having a
heart attack, so, I went home.

976
00:43:09,542 --> 00:43:12,750
I figured she's a doctor,
she would know, right?

977
00:43:12,750 --> 00:43:14,875
I get home and I am so hot.

978
00:43:14,875 --> 00:43:18,125
I am hotter than I
ever was during menopause,

979
00:43:18,125 --> 00:43:22,000
which happened for me
from 40 to 45.

980
00:43:22,000 --> 00:43:26,500
Here I was 50 and I was hotter
than I ever was during that.

981
00:43:26,500 --> 00:43:29,041
I tried to take off my clothes
to get into bed, but I was

982
00:43:29,041 --> 00:43:31,750
so tired I fell asleep
with my clothes on.

983
00:43:31,750 --> 00:43:36,375
I was more tired than I was
with my first premature child.

984
00:43:36,375 --> 00:43:40,834
I couldn't believe
how tired or hot I was,

985
00:43:40,834 --> 00:43:43,125
and my arms were
still killing me.

986
00:43:43,125 --> 00:43:44,834
Michelle woke me up at 6:00.
She said,

987
00:43:44,834 --> 00:43:46,333
"Honey, you need to eat."

988
00:43:46,333 --> 00:43:50,792
She gave me two saltine crackers
and I proceeded to throw up.

989
00:43:50,792 --> 00:43:53,542
Throwing up when you're
having a heart attack

990
00:43:53,542 --> 00:43:55,333
is your body's last defense.

991
00:43:55,333 --> 00:43:59,875
Everything goes, "Help me now,"
and what you throw up is

992
00:43:59,875 --> 00:44:02,667
the consistency of skim milk
and it doesn't feel like

993
00:44:02,667 --> 00:44:05,083
anything you've
ever had before.

994
00:44:05,083 --> 00:44:06,834
Michelle Googled the
symptoms of a woman having

995
00:44:06,834 --> 00:44:09,250
a heart attack and she said,
"Honey, you have 5 out

996
00:44:09,250 --> 00:44:11,125
of the 5 signs," and I said,

997
00:44:11,125 --> 00:44:12,708
"Yeah, but really
what's the chances?"

998
00:44:15,959 --> 00:44:19,041
I then did what 75% to 80%
of women do while

999
00:44:19,041 --> 00:44:21,166
having a major heart attack.

1000
00:44:21,166 --> 00:44:22,083
I did nothing.

1001
00:44:23,500 --> 00:44:25,625
I did nothing.

1002
00:44:25,625 --> 00:44:28,208
I did not call 911.

1003
00:44:28,208 --> 00:44:29,417
I'm a tough woman.

1004
00:44:29,417 --> 00:44:31,583
I'm not afraid
to speak my mind.

1005
00:44:31,583 --> 00:44:33,708
I did not call 911.

1006
00:44:33,708 --> 00:44:36,375
The doctor asked me why,
and I couldn't really

1007
00:44:36,375 --> 00:44:37,542
come up with the words.

1008
00:44:37,542 --> 00:44:39,458
The best I can make of it
is that my children were

1009
00:44:39,458 --> 00:44:42,250
so traumatized from Michelle
being so sick, from us leaving

1010
00:44:42,250 --> 00:44:44,750
so many nights to
go to the hospital.

1011
00:44:44,750 --> 00:44:47,792
I thought they would be
scared if I left to go to

1012
00:44:47,792 --> 00:44:50,667
the hospital for my
heart attack.

1013
00:44:50,667 --> 00:44:53,250
Never thinking how scared they
would be to find me in the bed

1014
00:44:53,250 --> 00:44:54,375
dead in the morning.

1015
00:44:55,708 --> 00:44:57,500
Why didn't I call 911?

1016
00:44:57,500 --> 00:44:59,750
I worried that I didn't
really need 911,

1017
00:44:59,750 --> 00:45:03,000
that I was causing them to come
and they should

1018
00:45:03,000 --> 00:45:04,750
be helping someone else.

1019
00:45:04,750 --> 00:45:07,917
And that's what women do.
75% to 80% of us.

1020
00:45:07,917 --> 00:45:12,917
90% of men call 911 at the
first sign of chest pain.

1021
00:45:12,917 --> 00:45:14,875
Those are the statistics.

1022
00:45:14,875 --> 00:45:16,250
Kind of shocking.

1023
00:45:16,250 --> 00:45:19,667
I had a heart attack
at 9 a.m. on a Monday morning

1024
00:45:19,667 --> 00:45:23,625
and I did not go to the doctor
until 5 p.m. on Wednesday.

1025
00:45:25,375 --> 00:45:29,125
Luckily, my wife made me chew
aspirin every few hours.

1026
00:45:29,125 --> 00:45:31,542
She got Ziploc bags,
filled them with ice,

1027
00:45:31,542 --> 00:45:34,875
and packed my body with them,
and then convinced me not to

1028
00:45:34,875 --> 00:45:36,458
go to the hospital,
but at least to

1029
00:45:36,458 --> 00:45:38,667
the cardiologist's office.

1030
00:45:38,667 --> 00:45:40,792
When I got into the
cardiologist, he put all the

1031
00:45:40,792 --> 00:45:43,834
electrodes on my chest
and asked me if I had any pain

1032
00:45:43,834 --> 00:45:45,166
and before I could
answer he said,

1033
00:45:45,166 --> 00:45:47,834
"Miss O'Donnell, you've had
a massive heart attack.

1034
00:45:47,834 --> 00:45:49,291
"You need to go
to the hospital.

1035
00:45:49,291 --> 00:45:51,667
The ambulance is waiting."

1036
00:45:51,667 --> 00:45:53,583
In the ambulance I cried
and I said to Michelle,

1037
00:45:53,583 --> 00:45:58,166
"I don't want to have
a heart attack,"

1038
00:45:58,166 --> 00:46:00,041
and she said,
"Too late, bitch!"

1039
00:46:03,583 --> 00:46:05,792
We got to the hospital,
in the cath lab,

1040
00:46:05,792 --> 00:46:07,041
and all the nurses
were waiting.

1041
00:46:07,041 --> 00:46:09,458
I love nurses.
Are there any nurses here?

1042
00:46:09,458 --> 00:46:12,834
Give yourselves a round of
applause because you save more

1043
00:46:12,834 --> 00:46:15,125
lives than doctors
and you're underpaid

1044
00:46:15,125 --> 00:46:18,291
and underappreciated, but
I think you are the boss.

1045
00:46:18,291 --> 00:46:20,208
[Applause]

1046
00:46:23,834 --> 00:46:25,000
I got to the cath lab.

1047
00:46:25,000 --> 00:46:28,250
All female nurses, all between
the ages of 30 and 50,

1048
00:46:28,250 --> 00:46:30,041
all big fans of
"League of Their Own."

1049
00:46:34,667 --> 00:46:38,542
Kind of good, kind of weird,
because I was naked, I was

1050
00:46:38,542 --> 00:46:41,708
afraid, I thought I was dying,
they were shaving parts of me

1051
00:46:41,708 --> 00:46:44,875
I had never shaved, and they
were asking me questions like,

1052
00:46:44,875 --> 00:46:47,208
"Do you think Donny
dropped that ball on purpose?"

1053
00:46:49,041 --> 00:46:50,708
I don't know.
I really don't know.

1054
00:46:50,708 --> 00:46:52,917
I'm not sure.

1055
00:46:52,917 --> 00:46:55,041
When you've had a heart attack,
they go in with a little

1056
00:46:55,041 --> 00:46:57,375
camera either through your
groin or through your arm

1057
00:46:57,375 --> 00:46:58,917
in to look at your heart.

1058
00:46:58,917 --> 00:47:01,417
Everyone has 3 main
arteries in their heart.

1059
00:47:01,417 --> 00:47:04,375
One on the left is called
the left anterior descending

1060
00:47:04,375 --> 00:47:06,542
or the lateral
anterior descending.

1061
00:47:06,542 --> 00:47:09,542
That provides the blood
for 70% of your body

1062
00:47:09,542 --> 00:47:11,000
and your vital organs.

1063
00:47:11,000 --> 00:47:13,000
If that one is blocked,
chances are

1064
00:47:13,000 --> 00:47:15,291
you are not going to survive.

1065
00:47:15,291 --> 00:47:18,166
They call that
artery the widowmaker.

1066
00:47:18,166 --> 00:47:20,333
So when they go in to look,
they look at

1067
00:47:20,333 --> 00:47:22,208
the right one first.

1068
00:47:22,208 --> 00:47:24,917
When you are having
a catheterization, you're

1069
00:47:24,917 --> 00:47:27,125
half awake, like, kind of
like a colonoscopy

1070
00:47:27,125 --> 00:47:29,041
so the doctor
can speak to you.

1071
00:47:29,041 --> 00:47:31,500
He said to me, "Rosie,
the right one looks fine.

1072
00:47:31,500 --> 00:47:33,083
"We're going into
the left ones now.

1073
00:47:33,083 --> 00:47:34,458
"It shouldn't be a pro--

1074
00:47:34,458 --> 00:47:37,041
I have to
go speak to your wife."

1075
00:47:37,041 --> 00:47:39,250
He went out and, unbeknownst
to me, asked Michelle

1076
00:47:39,250 --> 00:47:41,750
if I was an organ donor.

1077
00:47:41,750 --> 00:47:45,750
Then he came back in and asked
me if they were allowed to use

1078
00:47:45,750 --> 00:47:50,083
the electric shock machine on
my heart should it be needed

1079
00:47:50,083 --> 00:47:51,834
during the surgery.

1080
00:47:51,834 --> 00:47:54,917
I then uttered a sentence
I never had before.

1081
00:47:54,917 --> 00:47:57,792
I said, "Doctor, I am
adamantly pro-life."

1082
00:48:01,458 --> 00:48:04,625
"Anything you need to do
to save my life, doctor,

1083
00:48:04,625 --> 00:48:05,792
"that's what you do.

1084
00:48:05,792 --> 00:48:09,291
"Pick me, prod me, poke me
in the butt, I don't care.

1085
00:48:09,291 --> 00:48:10,834
Do not let me die."

1086
00:48:12,208 --> 00:48:14,959
When you're about to go in
for major heart surgery,

1087
00:48:14,959 --> 00:48:17,458
you start making
deals with God.

1088
00:48:17,458 --> 00:48:18,625
I was like, "OK, listen.

1089
00:48:20,125 --> 00:48:22,792
I will never make fun
of another Republican."

1090
00:48:25,875 --> 00:48:28,000
"Not even
Elizabeth Hasselbeck."

1091
00:48:30,792 --> 00:48:32,625
It's been a hard one,
but that's what I did.

1092
00:48:32,625 --> 00:48:34,000
It's been a hard one.

1093
00:48:34,000 --> 00:48:36,792
She's a lovely person
and I admire her greatly.

1094
00:48:36,792 --> 00:48:38,834
Listen, I'm still alive.
Shut the hell up.

1095
00:48:38,834 --> 00:48:42,875
Thing is, a weird thing
happened to me, too.

1096
00:48:42,875 --> 00:48:46,583
I had not been to church
since 1973, when my mother died.

1097
00:48:46,583 --> 00:48:48,542
I was 10.
So, here I was at 50

1098
00:48:48,542 --> 00:48:50,333
having a heart attack,
and right before

1099
00:48:50,333 --> 00:48:53,333
they put me under,
I heard the Catholic priest

1100
00:48:53,333 --> 00:48:55,750
giving mass in my head.

1101
00:48:55,750 --> 00:48:58,208
I actually heard the words
"Through him, with him,

1102
00:48:58,208 --> 00:49:01,250
"in him, in unity
of the holy spirit,

1103
00:49:01,250 --> 00:49:02,542
"all glory and honor
is yours.

1104
00:49:02,542 --> 00:49:05,917
Almighty father now
and forever, amen."

1105
00:49:05,917 --> 00:49:09,959
I went with it.
I figured cover all
my bases, you know.

1106
00:49:09,959 --> 00:49:14,333
As I was going to sleep, the
nurse held my hand, looked me

1107
00:49:14,333 --> 00:49:16,834
in the eyes, and with
certainty said, "I will see

1108
00:49:16,834 --> 00:49:20,834
you in recovery,"
and I believed her.

1109
00:49:20,834 --> 00:49:22,917
And when I woke up,
she was holding my hand

1110
00:49:22,917 --> 00:49:24,375
and Michelle was holding
this one and I was

1111
00:49:24,375 --> 00:49:26,458
kind of out of it
and they were talking

1112
00:49:26,458 --> 00:49:28,542
and Michelle said, "How's she
doing compared to everyone

1113
00:49:28,542 --> 00:49:30,458
else who had what she had?"

1114
00:49:30,458 --> 00:49:32,417
And the nurse said,
"Excellent," and Michelle

1115
00:49:32,417 --> 00:49:34,417
said, "How do you know?"
And the nurse said,

1116
00:49:34,417 --> 00:49:35,708
"Because everyone else
is dead."

1117
00:49:40,333 --> 00:49:42,375
They had never
had anyone survive

1118
00:49:42,375 --> 00:49:46,417
100% percent blockage of the LAD
for more than 10 hours and I had

1119
00:49:46,417 --> 00:49:49,667
survived for over 50,
and they didn't know why.

1120
00:49:52,250 --> 00:49:53,417
They didn't know why.

1121
00:49:55,708 --> 00:49:59,166
I thought about it a lot and
I think maybe, you know, my mom

1122
00:49:59,166 --> 00:50:00,917
was up there
in heaven, you know,

1123
00:50:00,917 --> 00:50:02,875
like Jillian on
"The Biggest Loser."

1124
00:50:04,667 --> 00:50:06,333
You know how you get a save?

1125
00:50:06,333 --> 00:50:08,458
I think my mom elbowed
God and said,

1126
00:50:08,458 --> 00:50:11,083
"Hey, you see that
fatty down there?

1127
00:50:11,083 --> 00:50:13,250
"That's my kid.
I'd like to use my save.

1128
00:50:13,250 --> 00:50:14,458
There you go."

1129
00:50:14,458 --> 00:50:16,583
They didn't know why I lived.

1130
00:50:16,583 --> 00:50:17,917
They didn't know why.

1131
00:50:17,917 --> 00:50:20,959
So they kept coming in with
all kinds of doctors to

1132
00:50:20,959 --> 00:50:23,625
examine and to talk to me
and to show everyone.

1133
00:50:23,625 --> 00:50:25,250
This doctor who saved my
life, he was a little bit like

1134
00:50:25,250 --> 00:50:26,458
a game show host.

1135
00:50:26,458 --> 00:50:28,417
He was kind of annoying,
but I couldn't say anything

1136
00:50:28,417 --> 00:50:30,875
because he had saved my
life, you know what I mean?

1137
00:50:30,875 --> 00:50:32,208
But he brought in
all these interns.

1138
00:50:32,208 --> 00:50:35,166
It was like "Grey's Anatomy,"
you know, and he was like,

1139
00:50:35,166 --> 00:50:36,792
"Hey, Rosie, how are
you feeling today?

1140
00:50:36,792 --> 00:50:38,417
"I bet a lot better
than yesterday, huh?

1141
00:50:38,417 --> 00:50:40,583
"Hey, take a look at this.
Intern, see this woman here?

1142
00:50:40,583 --> 00:50:43,250
"Over 50 hours,
100% blockage of the LAD.

1143
00:50:43,250 --> 00:50:44,583
"She should be D-E-A-D.

1144
00:50:44,583 --> 00:50:46,959
"Don't know why
she's here. Ha ha!

1145
00:50:46,959 --> 00:50:48,041
"A surprise to all of us.

1146
00:50:48,041 --> 00:50:49,166
"You're a medical
mystery, O'Donnell.

1147
00:50:49,166 --> 00:50:51,000
"Hey! Any idea what
this is, Rosie? Any idea?

1148
00:50:51,000 --> 00:50:53,083
"Take a look. Take a look.
You know what that is,
sweetheart?

1149
00:50:53,083 --> 00:50:55,542
"You know what that is?
Fruit. That's fruit, honey.

1150
00:50:55,542 --> 00:50:56,625
"You gotta start eating some.

1151
00:50:56,625 --> 00:50:58,625
"Put down the Ding Dongs.
Put down the Ho Hos.

1152
00:50:58,625 --> 00:51:01,125
Start eating some fruit."

1153
00:51:01,125 --> 00:51:03,625
He was so obnoxious, but what
could I say, you know?

1154
00:51:03,625 --> 00:51:06,458
I took some cherries because I
was embarrassed, and I just ate

1155
00:51:06,458 --> 00:51:08,208
them, and I had had cherries.

1156
00:51:08,208 --> 00:51:09,375
Like my whole life,

1157
00:51:09,375 --> 00:51:11,500
I had Bing cherries as
a kid on Long Island, right?

1158
00:51:11,500 --> 00:51:12,708
I grew up...
I had cherries.

1159
00:51:12,708 --> 00:51:13,959
I didn't think anything of it,

1160
00:51:13,959 --> 00:51:17,208
and he's talking to the
interns, and I notice that my

1161
00:51:17,208 --> 00:51:22,083
tongue is getting
a little bit numb,

1162
00:51:22,083 --> 00:51:23,125
and then I realize that

1163
00:51:23,125 --> 00:51:27,208
it's actually getting
larger in my mouth.

1164
00:51:27,208 --> 00:51:29,083
Now, I don't want to cause any
trouble because I've already

1165
00:51:29,083 --> 00:51:33,333
had a heart attack, and the
guy is obviously teaching the

1166
00:51:33,333 --> 00:51:37,417
interns about my case, but
then it came to a point where

1167
00:51:37,417 --> 00:51:39,291
I was having
trouble breathing.

1168
00:51:39,291 --> 00:51:43,542
So I say, "Excuse me, doctor.

1169
00:51:43,542 --> 00:51:48,333
"My tongue is now the size
of a loaf of bread,"

1170
00:51:48,333 --> 00:51:50,166
and he said, "Oh, my God!
Interns!

1171
00:51:50,166 --> 00:51:54,166
Can anybody tell me what's
happening to Ms. O'Donnell?"

1172
00:51:54,166 --> 00:51:56,083
"Um, she's in
anaphylactic shock?"

1173
00:51:56,083 --> 00:51:57,667
"That's right!

1174
00:51:57,667 --> 00:52:00,667
"Apparently Ms. O'Donnell
is allergic to cherries.

1175
00:52:00,667 --> 00:52:03,542
Now, interns, what do we
normally do with that?"

1176
00:52:03,542 --> 00:52:05,000
"Um, we give epinephrine."

1177
00:52:05,000 --> 00:52:06,875
"That's right, but we
can't give that to Rosie.

1178
00:52:06,875 --> 00:52:09,708
"She had a heart attack
24 hours ago!

1179
00:52:09,708 --> 00:52:10,875
We don't know what the hell--"

1180
00:52:10,875 --> 00:52:14,667
"Give me that fucking
EpiPen, you bastard!

1181
00:52:14,667 --> 00:52:17,041
I'll do it myself, you asshole!"

1182
00:52:19,375 --> 00:52:21,041
[Muffled]
Get the fuck out of my house!

1183
00:52:24,542 --> 00:52:29,375
I nearly died in cardiac care
trying to eat healthy.

1184
00:52:32,917 --> 00:52:36,333
That tells you
something right there.

1185
00:52:36,333 --> 00:52:37,708
Tells you a little something.

1186
00:52:41,333 --> 00:52:44,792
When I was done and got
home, was healthy, I started

1187
00:52:44,792 --> 00:52:46,959
learning a lot about heart
disease in women, and I

1188
00:52:46,959 --> 00:52:48,500
was shocked.

1189
00:52:48,500 --> 00:52:50,333
My mother died
of breast cancer.

1190
00:52:50,333 --> 00:52:52,417
My second mother
died of breast cancer.

1191
00:52:52,417 --> 00:52:55,417
I was sure I would
die of breast cancer.

1192
00:52:55,417 --> 00:52:58,834
30,000 women die of breast
cancer every year in America.

1193
00:52:58,834 --> 00:53:01,750
300,000 women die
of heart disease.

1194
00:53:03,208 --> 00:53:06,500
More women die of heart
disease in America than all

1195
00:53:06,500 --> 00:53:09,166
cancers combined,

1196
00:53:09,166 --> 00:53:11,417
yet women don't know
the symptoms.

1197
00:53:11,417 --> 00:53:12,750
We don't know
our own symptoms.

1198
00:53:12,750 --> 00:53:14,417
I didn't know I was
having a heart attack.

1199
00:53:14,417 --> 00:53:18,250
I thought a heart attack, you
grab your chest, you fall down.

1200
00:53:18,250 --> 00:53:19,834
That's what I see on TV.

1201
00:53:19,834 --> 00:53:22,125
It's mostly men that
they show, right?

1202
00:53:22,125 --> 00:53:24,041
When the doctor said I was
having a heart attack, I'm like,

1203
00:53:24,041 --> 00:53:27,000
"Shouldn't that feel like Mike
Tyson punched me in the tit?"

1204
00:53:27,000 --> 00:53:28,542
I mean, isn't that
what a heart attack

1205
00:53:28,542 --> 00:53:29,959
is supposed to feel like?

1206
00:53:29,959 --> 00:53:34,041
I didn't know I had a heart
attack, so I thought maybe the

1207
00:53:34,041 --> 00:53:37,792
reason that I didn't die is
because I have a public voice

1208
00:53:37,792 --> 00:53:40,291
and I can share the
facts with everybody.

1209
00:53:40,291 --> 00:53:41,625
Maybe that's the reason.

1210
00:53:41,625 --> 00:53:44,542
I don't know.

1211
00:53:44,542 --> 00:53:48,208
So I came up with
an acronym, OK?

1212
00:53:48,208 --> 00:53:50,542
It's HEPPPP.

1213
00:53:50,542 --> 00:53:52,291
OK, don't fucking laugh.
It was hard.

1214
00:53:52,291 --> 00:53:54,083
Nearly all of them
started with consonants.

1215
00:53:54,083 --> 00:53:58,291
You try to do it.
Bastard.

1216
00:53:58,291 --> 00:54:00,083
No, HEPPPP.

1217
00:54:00,083 --> 00:54:01,333
OK? It's weird but just think.

1218
00:54:01,333 --> 00:54:02,959
HEPPPP.

1219
00:54:02,959 --> 00:54:09,458
Hot, exhausted,
pain, pale, puke.

1220
00:54:09,458 --> 00:54:11,458
Those are 5 signs for women.

1221
00:54:11,458 --> 00:54:12,625
Hot.

1222
00:54:12,625 --> 00:54:14,291
Hotter than you've ever
been in your entire life.

1223
00:54:14,291 --> 00:54:17,041
Hotter than you ever
were during menopause.

1224
00:54:17,041 --> 00:54:18,125
Exhausted.

1225
00:54:18,125 --> 00:54:20,417
More tired than you can
ever remember being.

1226
00:54:20,417 --> 00:54:23,917
It feels like you are
walking through syrup.

1227
00:54:23,917 --> 00:54:26,333
Pain, and here's the
tricky part, ladies.

1228
00:54:26,333 --> 00:54:29,000
For us, the pain
can be anywhere.

1229
00:54:29,000 --> 00:54:34,208
In your tongue, in your chin,
in your neck, in your jaw,

1230
00:54:34,208 --> 00:54:37,333
in your back, in your
shoulders, in your arms,

1231
00:54:37,333 --> 00:54:39,250
in your chest.

1232
00:54:39,250 --> 00:54:41,417
Any of those places.

1233
00:54:41,417 --> 00:54:44,000
That's the sign of
a heart attack.

1234
00:54:44,000 --> 00:54:45,083
Pale.

1235
00:54:45,083 --> 00:54:46,542
You will be as white
as you ever were.

1236
00:54:46,542 --> 00:54:48,041
And African American
people, I'm really sorry.

1237
00:54:48,041 --> 00:54:50,834
I don't know what the fuck is
gonna happen to you, OK?

1238
00:54:50,834 --> 00:54:52,917
No, I mean maybe you'll turn
ashy, I don't know, but I

1239
00:54:52,917 --> 00:54:55,708
tried to Google it, and I
felt like such a racist.

1240
00:54:55,708 --> 00:54:57,000
I did.

1241
00:54:57,000 --> 00:54:58,875
I was like, "Can black people
turn pale?" and they were

1242
00:54:58,875 --> 00:54:59,959
like, "Fuck you, bitch."

1243
00:54:59,959 --> 00:55:01,250
I didn't know.

1244
00:55:01,250 --> 00:55:03,708
I was trying to help, but I
don't really know what's gonna

1245
00:55:03,708 --> 00:55:06,208
happen, so work it out.

1246
00:55:06,208 --> 00:55:07,208
Just--call your friends.

1247
00:55:07,208 --> 00:55:08,917
I don't know what's
gonna happen.

1248
00:55:12,250 --> 00:55:15,041
And the last sign is puke.
You will throw up.

1249
00:55:15,041 --> 00:55:16,417
Most people do.

1250
00:55:16,417 --> 00:55:20,959
So it's hot, exhausted,
pain, pale, puke.

1251
00:55:20,959 --> 00:55:24,333
Hot, exhausted,
pain, pale, puke.

1252
00:55:24,333 --> 00:55:25,375
[Music playing]

1253
00:55:25,375 --> 00:55:27,917
♪ Hot, exhausted,
pain, pale, puke ♪

1254
00:55:27,917 --> 00:55:28,959
Say what? Say...

1255
00:55:28,959 --> 00:55:30,500
♪ Hot, exhausted ♪

1256
00:55:30,500 --> 00:55:32,125
♪ Pain, pale, puke ♪

1257
00:55:32,125 --> 00:55:35,291
I think we should get, like,
Pink and Beyoncé and Nicki

1258
00:55:35,291 --> 00:55:38,708
Minaj together and do a real
rap version of that, you know.

1259
00:55:38,708 --> 00:55:41,542
Hot, exhausted, pain,
pale, puke 'cause you gotta

1260
00:55:41,542 --> 00:55:42,583
remember it.

1261
00:55:42,583 --> 00:55:44,458
HEPPPP.

1262
00:55:44,458 --> 00:55:46,417
HEPPPP.

1263
00:55:46,417 --> 00:55:48,917
And because, you know, I am me,
I thought maybe we could make

1264
00:55:48,917 --> 00:55:50,375
it into a Broadway musical.

1265
00:55:50,375 --> 00:55:53,000
[Cheering and applause]

1266
00:55:53,000 --> 00:55:56,792
I think--I really do--I think
it might work, you know.

1267
00:55:56,792 --> 00:55:58,667
[To the tune of
"My Favorite Things"]
♪ Arm pain or chest pain ♪

1268
00:55:58,667 --> 00:56:01,959
♪ Or pain in
your shoulders ♪

1269
00:56:01,959 --> 00:56:06,625
♪ Pain in your neck or either
one of your boulders ♪

1270
00:56:06,625 --> 00:56:09,625
♪ If you are sweating
like never before ♪

1271
00:56:09,625 --> 00:56:13,917
♪ Call 9-1-1, get
your ass out the door ♪

1272
00:56:15,250 --> 00:56:16,875
Please call 9-1-1.

1273
00:56:16,875 --> 00:56:18,458
Know the signs
and save yourself.

1274
00:56:18,458 --> 00:56:21,625
Thank you very, very much.
I hope you had a good time.

1275
00:56:21,625 --> 00:56:23,458
[Cheering and applause]

1276
00:56:23,458 --> 00:56:24,375
Good night!

1277
00:56:24,375 --> 00:56:29,041
Man: ♪ You've gotta have heart ♪

1278
00:56:29,041 --> 00:56:32,750
♪ All you really need
is heart ♪

1279
00:56:32,750 --> 00:56:34,166
♪ When the odds are saying ♪

1280
00:56:34,166 --> 00:56:36,166
♪ You'll never win ♪

1281
00:56:36,166 --> 00:56:37,417
♪ That's when the grin ♪

1282
00:56:37,417 --> 00:56:41,291
♪ Should start ♪

1283
00:56:41,291 --> 00:56:42,542
How do these
two behave?

1284
00:56:42,542 --> 00:56:45,000
Do they--they
get along well? No?

1285
00:56:45,000 --> 00:56:46,125
They get along.
I don't.

1286
00:56:46,125 --> 00:56:47,792
You don't
get along with them?

1287
00:56:47,792 --> 00:56:49,166
Well, that's as
it's supposed to be.

1288
00:56:49,166 --> 00:56:51,000
Do you have a sign
on your bedroom door,
"No boys allowed"?

1289
00:56:51,000 --> 00:56:52,083
Yes.

1290
00:56:52,083 --> 00:56:53,959
I knew it.
How did I know it?

1291
00:56:53,959 --> 00:56:55,792
And you have "No
girls allowed." Yeah.

1292
00:56:55,792 --> 00:56:59,458
Man: ♪ When your luck
is batting zero ♪

1293
00:56:59,458 --> 00:57:03,166
♪ Get your chin up
off the floor ♪

1294
00:57:03,166 --> 00:57:05,500
Rosie: You want me to take
a picture of you and me?

1295
00:57:05,500 --> 00:57:06,625
Look, here we go.

1296
00:57:06,625 --> 00:57:07,625
Together.

1297
00:57:07,625 --> 00:57:09,000
Man: ♪ You can open
any door... ♪

1298
00:57:09,000 --> 00:57:11,333
Rosie: Aren't we cute?
Look at us.

1299
00:57:11,333 --> 00:57:12,834
Look at
Mommy and say,

1300
00:57:12,834 --> 00:57:14,667
"I love ice cream."

1301
00:57:14,667 --> 00:57:18,125
Man: ♪ Miles and miles
and miles of heart ♪

1302
00:57:18,125 --> 00:57:21,291
♪ Oh, it's fine to be
a genius, of course ♪

1303
00:57:21,291 --> 00:57:23,417
How long have you been
dating?
3 years.

1304
00:57:23,417 --> 00:57:24,417
And how's it going?

1305
00:57:24,417 --> 00:57:25,375
Not bad.
Great.

1306
00:57:25,375 --> 00:57:26,834
And how old are you?
23.

1307
00:57:26,834 --> 00:57:28,917
Are you, like,
a gymnast or something?
You're all buffed out.

1308
00:57:28,917 --> 00:57:29,959
Both: Yeah!
Yeah!

1309
00:57:29,959 --> 00:57:32,166
You got a gymnast body.
Look at you!

1310
00:57:32,166 --> 00:57:35,041
Do a hand stand right here.
Do a hand stand right here.

1311
00:57:35,041 --> 00:57:37,208
Watch this.
Look at that!
Look at him! See?

1312
00:57:37,208 --> 00:57:38,500
[Clapping]

1313
00:57:38,500 --> 00:57:41,583
Men: ♪ When the odds are
saying you'll never win ♪

1314
00:57:41,583 --> 00:57:42,875
♪ That's when the grin ♪

1315
00:57:42,875 --> 00:57:44,000
♪ Should start ♪

1316
00:57:44,000 --> 00:57:44,959
Man: Now you're

1317
00:57:44,959 --> 00:57:46,375
getting the idea!

1318
00:57:46,375 --> 00:57:47,792
You want one, too?

1319
00:57:47,792 --> 00:57:50,458
Why not? She's like,
"I guess so.
I don't care, really."

1320
00:57:50,458 --> 00:57:53,125
Men: ♪ ...sit around and mope ♪

1321
00:57:53,125 --> 00:57:55,166
♪ Not a solitary sob ♪

1322
00:57:55,166 --> 00:57:57,000
♪ Do we heave, Mister ♪

1323
00:57:57,000 --> 00:57:58,417
♪ 'Cause we've got hope ♪

1324
00:57:58,417 --> 00:58:00,500
Man: Oh, boys, I'm proud of you!

1325
00:58:00,500 --> 00:58:01,542
Man: ♪ We're so happy ♪

1326
00:58:01,542 --> 00:58:02,500
♪ That we're hummin' ♪

1327
00:58:02,500 --> 00:58:04,417
Men: ♪ Hum, hum, hum ♪

1328
00:58:04,417 --> 00:58:06,333
Man: ♪ That's the hearty
thing to do ♪

1329
00:58:06,333 --> 00:58:07,458
Men: ♪ Boo, boo, boo ♪

1330
00:58:07,458 --> 00:58:09,000
Say "Hi, Mom."
Hi, Mama.

1331
00:58:09,000 --> 00:58:10,041
"I'm on HBO."

1332
00:58:10,041 --> 00:58:11,291
I'm on HBO!

1333
00:58:11,291 --> 00:58:13,083
With Rosie.
With--

1334
00:58:13,083 --> 00:58:14,166
With Rosie, yeah.

1335
00:58:14,166 --> 00:58:15,333
Yeah. That's me.

1336
00:58:15,333 --> 00:58:18,708
Men: ♪ We've got heart ♪

1337
00:58:18,708 --> 00:58:22,041
♪ Miles and miles
and miles of heart ♪

1338
00:58:22,041 --> 00:58:24,542
OK, write that we
are engaged,
on Instagram, OK?

1339
00:58:24,542 --> 00:58:25,750
And I'll say we are.

1340
00:58:25,750 --> 00:58:29,708
Man: ♪ Keep that old horse
before the cart ♪

1341
00:58:29,708 --> 00:58:31,625
♪ First you gotta have heart ♪

1342
00:58:31,625 --> 00:58:33,291
Men: What have we got?

1343
00:58:33,291 --> 00:58:35,917
We've got heart!