Man: ♪ You've gotta have heart ♪
♪ All you really need is heart ♪
♪ When the odds are saying ♪
♪ You'll never win ♪
♪ That's when the grin ♪
♪ Should start ♪
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome to the stage
Rosie O'Donnell!
Man: ♪ Mustn't sit around and mope ♪
♪ Nothing's half as bad as it may appear ♪
♪ Wait till next year and hope ♪
♪ When your luck is batting zero ♪
♪ Get your chin up off the floor... ♪
Rosie: Well, hello, Nyack!
[Cheering and applause]
How are you?
Thank you so much for coming to my mall.
Now I have arrived.
I'm performing at my own mall.
With a Chipotle next door.
Isn't that good?
We just got that. I was very impressed with that.
Yeah.
How many people have been to this mall before?
[Applause]
How many people have been to the new mall down the street?
[Applause]
Traitors!
All of you--traitors!
I was at opening day at this mall.
Anyone else?
Opening day, 18 years ago, about, at this mall.
Were you there?
Who was the celebrity who was here?
Do you remember?
Audience member: Rosie O'Donnell!
No. Well, I was here with my son in a stroller, but I was
not the advertised celebrity.
Do you know who was?
Audience member: Aardvark!
Arthur the Aardvark.
A 16-foot stuffed animal furry guy that was supposed to
come and entertain the children.
So I brought Parker here, who is now 18,
but he was one year old,
and he was in a stroller and he started, like, crying,
and Arthur was late, apparently, so we went home.
And about two hours later, the doorbell rang, and it was
Arthur the Aardvark.
That's when I knew fame was gonna fuck up my family.
Right then.
Arthur the Aardvark came to our house.
Well, hello, everybody!
I am 52 years old...
[Cheering]
last month.
Can't believe it, really.
And I have 5 children.
I have 4 teenagers and one toddler.
Right, that's the face I get a lot.
People go, "Ohhh!" like I made a mistake.
I adopted. There were no accidents.
People say, "Why would you have another baby when you have
4 teenagers?" and I said, "Because I have 4
"teenagers, and I needed to remind myself that I actually
"do love children
because teenagers suck."
Does anyone have teenagers?
All right, do you like them?
Do you like your teens?
'Cause I hate mine. I do.
I hate my teenagers.
They're horrible human beings, and I didn't expect this 'cause
when I was the mom of toddlers, parents of teenagers
would come over to me and go, "Oh, wait till they're teens.
You're gonna hate it."
And I would think, "Boy, they're shitty parents."
I've learned!
They're horrible.
It starts at 15.
You know, if you're lucky, 15.
Some tell me 14.
Mine, 15.
My son Parker, who, the light of my life, right?
The kid who brought joy into my world--that kid
turned on me.
He became spawn of Satan before my very eyes.
It was horrible. It was horrible.
I was crying all the time.
I finally made him come to therapy with me.
The hour session, I cried for 50 minutes.
I'm like, "We used to be friends
and talk every day and I..."
We used to watch TV shows together!"
Finally, like right
when the session was almost up, the therapist said to
Parker, "Do you have anything to say?" and he said, "Yes.
Could you adjust her medication?"
which I thought was hurtful.
I found it hurtful, but actually they did tweak it
and I felt a lot better, so, you know, in the end, it was
a win/win so I can't really complain about that too much,
but--just teens are bad.
They're bad.
They do things you never thought they'd do, right?
They're their own people.
Who expected that? You know, not me.
My son is now at a military high school, which he
begged me to go to.
He's at Valley Forge Military Academy.
[Audience member cheers]
Yes, he is the top cadet.
He is in charge of over 100 young cadets there
at the school, and he has applied to and been accepted
at The Citadel.
Audience: Wow.
That's what I said,
"Wow," because I didn't know he had applied there, you know?
I didn't, because I filled out his common app.
Did anyone else fill out their kid's common app?
You're a helicopter mother just like me.
You're horrible. I did it, too.
I couldn't help it. He wouldn't do it.
I filled out the whole application.
It took me two weeks.
All I needed was for him to write an essay.
How hard is that, right?
For months I kept saying, "Please write the essay.
Please write the essay."
The night before it's due, I'm like,
"Honey, you need to give me the..."
"Oh, I didn't have time, Mom. I couldn't do it."
Like everything's an argument, you know.
He's aggressive like that.
And I was like, "Screw it," and I wrote it for him.
"I love Broadway and Barbara Streisand."
"My personal hero is my mother."
I couldn't believe he applied there.
I said, "Honey, why didn't you tell me you applied there?"
He said, "Why? I'll tell you why.
'Cause I didn't want your name to be the reason I got in."
I was like, "Not much chance of that, honey."
Like my name is gonna help at The Citadel?
No, it is not.
Can you imagine, you know? He's applying.
I'm spending my days on the Internet going,
"Do not bomb Syria." Send!
"Peaceful solutions in the Ukraine." Send!
That military thing, it's all his, you know?
He's been very into this his whole life.
I don't know why.
Part of me thinks it's because he was 7 years old when 9/11
happened and we were in the city, right, and everything
changed for him then.
He used to just draw pictures, and then it all was army
everything, you know.
So I asked him one day.
I said, "Why are you so dedicated to serving
in the armed forces?"
"Why? I'll tell you why, Mom. Ya wanna know why?"
Again, that voice is all the time, no matter what, you know?
"Do you want string beans?" "Broccoli, Mom! I want broccoli!"
It's like, you know, forget it.
Just telling you it's how he talks now, so...
He's like, "Why? I'll tell you why, Mom.
"Cause only in America could a kid like you from a poor
"childhood with a dead mom and an abusive dad could grow up
"to become you and then adopt kids like me who didn't have
"any families.
"Only in America could that happen, so I owe something to
this country."
I was like, "No, sweetheart.
You owe something to me!"
They turn on you, you know?
I never expected it.
They turn on you, you know.
Oh, I loved this kid so much.
I still love him, but you know, he's driving me crazy.
But when he arrived in my life--I knew I wanted to
adopt, right?
A lot of people go to adoption after infertility.
Not me. It was a choice. Why?
My mom died when I was 10, and I had a teacher in public school
in seventh grade who totally loved me back to life.
She was the first person to hug me.
She was the first person to say "I love you."
She took me into her family, and she taught me that
a family is made by love and not by blood, and sadly,
she died 10 years ago of breast cancer as well.
So I had two mothers and they both died of breast
cancer, right?
Very odd.
So when I decided to adopt, you know, I was certain, and I
went in and I met with the agency and I said, "I'd really,
really, really, really like, you know, a girl,"
and two weeks later
they said, "We have a boy."
And I cried 'cause I didn't
know what to do, but as soon as they put him in my arms,
that was it.
Like you hear of love at first sight?
This was it.
They put that baby in my arms, it was like lights turned on.
It was like 4th of July.
It was like walking into Oz.
You know, honestly it was the most magical thing that ever
happened to me, but I was nervous 'cause he was a boy,
but I had a friend who had sons, Rita Wilson.
She had two boys at the time, Truman and Chester, right
around Parker's age.
So she came over to help me, and that first week she asked
me an interesting question.
She said, "Ro, why didn't you have him circumcised?"
And I said, "I thought I had."
Because I remember filling out
the form when I was in the hospital.
It said, "Circumcise yes or no?"
I said yes because I
remember in high school there was that one kid whose father
was from Spain and he was really good at soccer
but he had a weird weenie.
You know, not that I saw it, but I heard 'em--they called
him Weird Weenie.
So I didn't want my kid to be the weird weenie kid.
So I was like "Yes. Circumcise him," you know.
So Rita said, "Well, couldn't you see by looking at it?
Couldn't you tell?"
And I said no 'cause...
Well, listen, it didn't look like the ones in my nightstand
drawer, but still, you know, I thought it was artistic
interpretation, you know.
I mean an actual heart does not look like this.
I'm just telling you right now, that's not the shape
of a heart.
So the fact that those were smooth and nice.
I didn't know.
The wrinkled elephant trunk thing, it scared me a little.
I'm gonna be honest.
I thought the head part, the little mushroom tip thing,
would come out in puberty.
No, I'm not even kidding you.
You know how we get boobs, girls?
Like we get boobs.
They're round mounds.
They come out.
You know, we had that big meeting, and then we had that little
movie when you're, like, 13.
"Oh, Mary wants to get a white dress, but she can't.
Her friend Flo is coming to visit real soon."
Remember that movie we had?
I thought the boys were in their own movie and they were
saying, "We know it looks creepy and wrinkled
right now, but soon you'll get a yarmulke right on the top of it."
It'll be like Super Mario Brothers down there.
It'll pop out.
I had no idea it was related to a circumcision, you know?
So I start to cry, and Rita felt bad for me and she said,
"Don't worry, I'll call Kate," and that's her best friend
Kate Capshaw, married to Steven Spielberg, so she
called them up, and 3 hours later they were all
in my house.
They brought lox, bagels, and a mohel.
That's why I love the Jews.
I'm telling you right now I want to be a Jew.
I love the Jews.
They can solve any problem in 15 minutes.
We did the circumcision at my house, and then we buried
the foreskin in the backyard.
It was the eighth day, right?
Observant Jews will know you're supposed to do that.
But for years I worried that a penis bush would grow right
there, you know.
That would've been horrible at barbecues.
What would I say to my friends?
"Melissa, just don't look at it, OK?
"I know it's scary.
I don't particularly like it."
Like a topiary. Like Disney, you know.
That's what I thought it would be.
Like a scary, big penis.
It didn't happen, thank the Lord.
Baruch atah adonai eloheinu right there.
So I was home with him alone. You know, I'm a single mom.
And I'm home two days after the circumcision.
I'm changing his diaper, and I notice he has an erection,
and I am convinced that this is because while doing the
circumcision, they hit a nerve and they damaged something
so now, boing, it's working like he's a teenager.
I am panicked.
I call the doctor in the middle of the night.
I said, "He has a baby boner. What the hell should I do?
Should I take him to the emergency room?"
And the doctor said, "No. It's perfectly normal.
It's perfectly normal that an infant has an erection."
This is a design malfunction of the male genitalia.
Why the hell does this shit work from week one?
It's why you men are sexually obsessed.
You've been thinking about it-- every day you've been alive,
you've had erections.
Horrible. Horrible.
I said to the doctor, "What the hell am I supposed to do?"
He said "Treat it as normal." Treat it as normal?
I took a Q-tip and I pushed it down because I didn't want
to touch it.
I'm not gonna touch it.
I'm not Woody Allen or anything, OK?
Right.
I was so concerned with the erection I didn't want to put
the diaper on him because I didn't want to injure the
penis because some penises I have seen--not in real life
but on film, actually digital, maybe, on the Internet--have
bends in them.
There's a very famous movie star who had a sex tape
and I'll admit it.
I looked. I Googled it.
And I don't want to say his name 'cause he's really famous.
Colin Farrell.
OK, you're right, it's Colin Farrell.
His penis makes a right turn after 3 or 4 inches.
I don't know how the hell the guy has sex.
It's like a right-angle penis.
It's perpendicular to his self.
He must have sex like this, I don't know.
He probably throws his back out every time.
He's a contortionist.
I don't know how he does it.
He should join Cirque du Soleil.
That's what I'm telling you about him.
But I didn't want Parker to have a bent penis, so I took
a Dixie Riddle Cup, I smushed it a little bit, I covered the
erection, and then I put the Pampers on because I'm not
taking any chances with his penis, you know.
Men enjoy theirs, don't you, sir?
I've heard you like them.
I'm not--not you specifically.
Well, yes, you specifically,
but that's OK 'cause we're friends.
It's all good.
Thing is, babies--they just are so loving, right?
He was like this little boy who adored me.
Oh, God, right? It's dreamy.
Your first kid you fall in love like you never
have before.
Remember he was two years old he said, "Mama, did I
grewed in you tummy?"
Sweetest, right?
I was like, "No, honey.
"You didn't grow in my tummy, you grew in another lady's
"tummy, and she knew she couldn't be a mommy, so she
"told God and he looked inside and when he saw you, he made
sure that you got to me,"
and he said, "Yeah, that's 'cause
you and me, Mama, we a good match."
Isn't that sweet?
Yeah. And now he's 18.
And he doesn't answer my texts,
and when he tells me to fuck off, you know what I tell him?
"You and me, Parker, we a good match!"
He's all grown now. He's a big boy.
He got through the whole thing, you know.
He has a girlfriend.
Audience member: Oh!
Rosie: I know. She's lovely.
She is.
She's 19. He's 18.
They're having sex.
I know it because a mother knows because she reads
his texts.
I'm not stupid. I know what's going on.
He's had the same password since he was 6.
Hasn't figured out that I know it, but whatever.
Smart kid.
He got into The Citadel.
Thing is, I don't want to shame him sexually.
You know, I grew up Catholic, a lot of shame about sex.
I don't want to shame him. They've been dating 3 years.
They're in love.
It's OK. I expect it, you know.
Over the holidays we rented a house in Jamaica.
There was a 4-bedroom house.
[Audience member groans]
Rosie: "Oh."
Have you been to that house? Good for you.
On the whole 4-bedroom houses--"oh."
Me, Michelle, and the baby were in one room.
My daughters Vivi and Chelsea were in another room.
Then there are two rooms left, right?
One for either Parker and Alison, or for Parker and his
brother Blake, who was 14 and very busy at night.
I figured the safest thing was to let him go with his
girlfriend, and it was the biggest mistake I ever made as
a parent because even though he knew that I knew and I knew
that he knew and his girlfriend knew that we all
knew and her mother was OK with it and everybody
was all right--
we were all being, you, know, very cool, very Dr. Phil,
we were all good--
he walked out of that bedroom that morning like he was
Mufasa from "Lion King."
[Singing loudly]
♪ Blow job ♪
I had no power over him the rest of the week.
All my powers were gone.
I couldn't find him. He was never around.
I said to Vivi, who was 11 years old at the time,
I'm like, "Vivi, where is Parker?"
She's like, "Where is he?
He's in the bedroom, Mom. Baum chicka baum baum."
I was concerned right then I had fucked up as a parent.
Right? That's very bad. She's 11 years old.
She doesn't need to be knowing this.
And then my daughter casually at dinner, she's like, 16 years
old, Chelsea, she casually says, "So in two years, Mom,
me and my boyfriend can spend the week together in a bedroom?"
And you know, I'm a feminist, right?
I'm all for equality.
I said to her, "No. What are you--a skank?"
I couldn't believe those words came out of my mouth!
Such a double standard!
What the hell is wrong with me?
Oh, it's a double standard, it is.
When my boys looked up porn, you know, what did I do?
I had a talk with them.
I'm like, "This isn't really real."
I gave them the Victoria's Secret catalog.
I said, "Have a good time, but just remember...
"♪ Clean up, clean up, everybody clean up ♪
You deal with the crusty socks. Thanks very much."
But when my daughter looked up porn,
it was a whole different thing.
I'm like, "Maybe she needs residential treatment and we
should get her medication right away."
I knew it was my daughter that looked it up, too, because in the Google search
it said "pinis."
I said, "Honey, before you wanna see it,
"you should know how to spell it, OK?
"And believe me, you don't want to see it anyway
"because, I mean, on the whole it's not a visually
appealing package."
The whole, the junk, as the men call it.
Your junk is not appealing to anyone, really,
even to straight women.
Most of my women friends are straight, and they've never,
ever said to me, "Oh, my God, Ro.
Last night I saw the most beautiful penis."
Doesn't happen.
Even straight women don't like it is what I'm saying.
All right, the gay boys, I know you enjoy it.
Work that out amongst yourselves.
I think that's narcissism, but it's all right.
Chelsea is--she's an interesting girl.
She spoke in fluent sentences, complete sentences, from
a year and a half.
OK? Now, most toddlers--like, my baby's, like, a year and 4
months right now, and she's just saying a full sentence.
She said, her first sentence was last week.
She said, "I said no!" Wonder where she heard that.
But Chelsea at that same age, you know, like Parker would be
in the playroom peeing into the Fisher Price kitchen sink,
you know, and Chelsea would come back and say, "Mother, my
brother is urinating in the room adjacent to the den."
It just freaked me out a little bit is all I'm saying.
But she was always smart.
Like at 7 years old she said, "How come I have two
mothers and neither of them have high heels?"
That's pretty, you know, that's a good thought, right?
I said to her, "Listen.
"Usually with two moms, not a lot of high heels.
However, if you had two daddies..."
"whole 'nother thing."
See? "Wax on, wax off, grasshopper.
Take this stone from my hand."
Yeah.
She's interesting, an interesting little kid,
and then I got Blakey, my son.
He's 14, delicious.
He's just delicious. He hates when I say that.
He's like, "Don't say that about me," but he is.
I just love him to death, and he's the cutest little boy
in the world.
He had a very severe learning disability,
an auditory processing disorder, and severe dyslexia,
and luckily, we had a woman work with him.
He's doing so great.
He's about to enter high school, but last month,
he failed his algebra test, and he came home crying,
and I felt so bad for him, you know?
I looked at him. I said, "Honey, there's no way to
"solve those problems.
"It's a trick that the grownups play on kids,
"like the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny.
It's bullshit, honey. Don't even worry about it."
Remember algebra?
A bus leaves Utah at 9 PM traveling 12 miles per hour.
Another bus leaves Florida at 6 PM
traveling 45 miles per hour.
How many Jewish people on board?
I did that joke in Vegas once, and a lady
in the front goes, "None. I would never take a bus."
I'm telling you, I love my Jews. I love the Jews.
Always wanted to be a Jew, really.
When you grow up on Long Island, everyone is either
Jewish or Catholic.
That's it, right?
There's no Protestants anywhere, right,
and the Catholics, we had, like, boring,
horrible, horrible homes.
Like, nothing exciting ever happens in the Catholic,
but the Jews, what did they have?
Shag rugs. White leather furniture.
A Cadillac in the garage, you know?
We had peeling linoleum.
A plaid brown couch from Levitz
with one leg a little wobbly.
A station wagon with paneling.
You know, it wasn't good.
I did. I wanted to be a Jew so bad.
A lot of my family thought it was because of
Barbra Streisand, who I still think is, you know, God.
and, really, I can't get over the fact that I know her.
I can't. Like, in my head, it doesn't really--
I can't get it that I know her.
You know, she was on my show, and I got to meet her,
and I went to her house and did interviews, but still,
that I know her, you know, really hit home in 2007
when I was on "The View."
9:30 at night, I got a phone call from her manager that said
Barbra was in Miami, and she wasn't happy
with the hotel that they had for her.
Did I know anyone who had a home in Miami that she could
rent for two weeks with her entourage of 16 people?
I said, "I just happen to have a home in Miami that is empty
"that could accommodate that amount of people and even
"more, and it would be my pleasure to have her stay
there as my guest," and they said,
"Thank you. She'll be there in one hour,"
and I said, "Not a problem, sir."
I hung up, and then I called Maria, who lives there
and works for me, and I said,
"Mija, tiene un mucho problemo.
"You go to the florist and you buy every fucking peach rose
"in Florida.
"You put them all over the house.
"Limpia mi casa, Maria. Limpia mi casa."
I couldn't believe she was coming to my house.
I was, like, overwhelmed, and then I start to freak out
because I had huge, like, 10-foot-by-5-foot posters
of every movie she had done in different countries,
like, you know, "A Star is Born" in Romania,
like, you know, "Hello Dolly" from Spain, like,
and I had them all framed in the house, right?
So I said to Maria, "Holy shit, what did she say?"
and Maria said she walked in, and she looked,
and she said, "Oh, my God, did she do all this for me?"
and Maria said, "No, Missus. She really loves you.
"Every day...
♪ Memories, memories, memories ♪"
I couldn't work. I couldn't sleep.
I couldn't do anything that she was in my house.
You know, every moment that I was not on television working,
I was on the phone with--
"Where is she now, Maria?"
"Oh, Miss Rosie, she's by the pool lounging."
"Which lounge chair is she on?"
"The third one from the left."
"When she gets up, you wheel that into the garage.
"You put crime scene tape around that and you don't let
anyone touch that, Maria, until I get there."
She says, "Oh, Miss Rosie, she's coming."
I'm like, "Speak Spanish! Speak Spanish!"
She bought me a new toaster.
I know. I was overwhelmed.
I said, "No one can touch it until I arrive."
Then I emptied out all the crumbs, and I put them
in a Plexiglas thing-- "Barbra Streisand's crumbs,"
and then I wrote, "And James Brolin, too."
How could I separate them? There was no real way to do it.
I love her. I can't even get over it.
I just love her. I still do. I love her so much.
My daughter Vivi, she wants to be an entertainer,
and she reminds me of me when I was a kid, you know,
how I knew everything about Barbra.
I loved Barbra. I kept talking about Barbra.
That's Vivi.
She wants to be a performer, and she has
a favorite performer.
Do you know who it is?
Ellen DeGeneres.
It's true.
She loves Ellen the way I love Barbra.
Some days, she says things to me like,
"Mommy, why can't you be more like Ellen?
"Why can't you have a TV show like Ellen?
"If you had a show like Ellen, I could meet Justin Bieber.
I could meet The Wanted."
Like, I didn't know what to say to her.
So finally, I said, "You know what, honey?
I was Ellen before Ellen was Ellen,"
and she said, "Well, what do you mean?"
You know, I said, "Well, I'm just saying,
I had a show just like hers before hers,
"and then I quit so I could come home
and take care of you."
She said, "That was a really bad decision."
They don't get that I was ever famous.
My children do not watch my movies.
They have no interest in my movies.
They don't have any clue that I was ever
an entertainer at all.
I brought Blake to see Kevin Hart
when he was 12 years old at the Westbury Music Fair.
He loves Kevin Hart.
I had worked there many times in my career.
I went in through the back way.
All of the guys who worked there--it's a union job--
they had worked there for 50 years.
They all knew me. They were like, "Hey, Rosie."
I was giving them hugs and everything.
We got to our seat, and Blake very innocently looked at me
and said, "Mama, how come all those guys know you?"
and I said, "Well, honey, I used to work here,"
and he said, "Where, in the concessions stand?"
What the hell do you say to that?
The only time they ever knew was Parker when he was
4 years old, and it was in this mall at this movie theater.
I took him to see "Tarzan," and I didn't want to explain it to
him because I thought he's not gonna understand I did the
voice-over for it, but 15 minutes into the movie,
he stood on his chair, and he said, "That monkey's my mama!"
So he was right,
and I now have a new baby who's, like, 15 months old,
and I'm forcing her already to watch my films.
She's just delicious. She is.
She's absolutely adorable,
and she is my fifth child, as I said,
and this is my wife Michelle's first child.
So I assumed before we got the baby that she would defer
to me in judgments about children and childrearing.
This was an error.
First night, we take the baby to a hotel in Los Angeles
where she was born,
healthy baby, 7 1/2 pounds, good to go.
We walk in. Michelle says, "Oh, my God,
we forgot to order a crib."
I said, "Don't worry, honey.
"Baby's gonna sleep right on me
just like all the other ones did."
She said, "Huh!
"Did you read that pamphlet they gave us at the hospital?
"Co-sleeping with a baby is very dangerous.
You could roll over and suffocate an infant."
Right away I thought, "What is this, a fat joke again?
What the fuck? Is she going for that?"
I know I'm sensitive.
I know I'm sensitive, but that's really what I thought.
Old tapes are playing. I'm trying to silence them.
But the thing is--
I said to her, "I haven't suffocated the other ones.
I'm sure this one will be OK."
She did not listen.
She took a drawer from the dresser.
She lined it with bathrobes and towels.
She then put the baby in the drawer, got a pillow,
and lied down next to the drawer on the floor
so she could be close to the baby if anything happened.
It's her first kid. Isn't that sweet?
I was in the king size bed with a down comforter
watching HBO going, "Knock yourself out, sweetheart!
"Thank God you're down there, honey.
"I don't know if she would've survived the night.
"Yeah. Oh, oh, is she breathing?
"You might want to put a mirror under her nose
every 5 minutes or so."
It just pissed me off, you know?
I think she should defer to me, don't you think?
It's been a problem.
Like, we really don't fight in our relationship,
but this was a problem.
Like, the second week the baby was alive,
we were back here in New York.
It was January, right? It was January.
The baby's, like, a week and a half old.
We take her to the pediatrician.
I take the car seat out of the car with the baby in it.
Michelle grabs both of my arms and says,
"Honey, are you surefooted?"
"Am I what? Am I left-footed? Is that even a word?
What the hell did you say?"
She's like, "Are you surefooted?
"Do you think you can surely walk in there without dropping
the baby in case there's ice on the--"
"Well, I didn't bring my mountain climbing equipment,
honey, but I'm pretty sure I can get it to the doctor's office."
I just felt it was insulting, you know what I mean?
We fought a lot until finally, like, something she gave in.
Like, she gave in on the baby sleeping in the bed with us,
right, and then she told me, "Oh, my God, it's so dreamy.
I don't know why--" Yeah. I'm like, "Right. Right."
About two months ago, the baby fell out of the bed
on Michelle's side.
She climbed over her Xanax-filled body
and toppled to the ground onto her diaper.
The baby was fine. She cried for two minutes.
I put her back in the bed. She was all right.
Michelle was hysterical.
"Oh, my God! What did I do?
"It's my fault. I did it. I did it. I did it.
"I'm never taking Xanax again.
Oh, my God! I did it! I did it!"
I'm like, "You better take another one now, honey,
because you're kind of flipping out about this."
"We have to go to the hospital, but I can't because I did it!
I did it!"
I'm like, "You want to go to the hospital? Let's go."
She's like, "OK, but when we get there tell them you did it!"
Tell them I did it?
Like that would be good for our life?
Could you imagine what would have happened?
[Humming "Entertainment Tonight" theme music]
"Justin Bieber arrested again, and Rosie O'Donnell dropped
"her fifth baby on its head.
Damn it, we thought she was surefooted."
I got married in 2012, which was very interesting to me because
I didn't think I would get married again.
Yeah, I don't know.
Anyone here divorced? Anyone here divorced?
Yeah, a bunch of people. Yeah, it's hard, divorce, right?
Isn't it? I actually--
Well, I didn't really get divorced because my
marriage to Kelly was actually annulled by the state
of California.
It was illegal back then when we did it, which really pissed
me off at the time, but came in very handy when I needed to
get divorced.
Tick a lock. Everything's fine. Lesbians are friends.
Listen, the thing is, I met my wife
at the Starbucks store, coffee place.
You know it. Everyone's been there.
I met her at Starbucks, and it was really kind
of strange because she did not look gay to me,
OK, and I know that's strange.
Like, you, you're not gay, right?
Right. You're heterosexual, right?
Yeah, and I just want you to know that I feel you were born
that way, and I do not hold it against you in any capacity.
So if you want to be with men, you go right ahead
and you marry who you want to.
It's OK.
You can't help that you know how to apply makeup.
It's genetic.
But there's something about gay women that, no matter how
beautiful they are, I always notice.
Like, there's a little streak
of LPGA running through them.
Do you know what I'm saying? Do you know?
Like, you look at them, you know they can throw
from third to first.
That's my point.
They can probably sink a 3-point shot at least from
the college line.
That's all I'm saying.
To me, it's an admirable sexy quality, right,
but she had none of that, you know?
She did not look gay, which I can say as a lesbian,
but you better not because you'd be a homophobic bigot, and--
Got to watch that, OK?
Thing is, I walked in and there she is--
like, size two, like, you know, designer jeans,
high heels, her nails all done, her hair blown out, makeup on.
In a million years, I did not think she was gay, OK,
and she's holding a puppy, and we started talking,
and she was very friendly, very nice,
and I said to her, "You know, you better be careful
"because first, you get the little dog like me 20 years ago,
and then, before you know it, I had my first child,"
and she said, "Well, actually, I'm trying to get pregnant."
I said, "Oh, my God, well, it's the best thing
"that you'll ever do in your life.
"You'll never regret it, and you're very young, and I'm sure
you and your husband will have no problem,"
and she said, "Well, thank you I'm actually not that young.
I'm 38, and I don't have a husband,"
and I said, "Oh, well, actually, 38 is not that old.
"I'm sure you have a couple of healthy eggs in there somewhere.
"I don't know, but--
and your boyfriend or whatever, you'll work it out."
She goes, "No, I don't have a boyfriend, either.
I'm a lesbian."
I said, "Ah, I'm really sorry. I thought you just said lesbian.
"What did you say? Librarian?
Is that what you said? You're a librarian?"
She's like, "No, no. I'm a lesbian."
I'm like, "You're a lesbian?" She said, "Yeah."
"You're like a lesbian lesbian, like, a real lesbian
"or like an Anne Heche Lindsey Lohan lesbian?
"What kind of lesbian are you?
"Because you're kind of confusing me.
"Like, you're at the buffet, you're taking the shrimp
"but you really want the sausage.
"What's happening, lady? I'm not following you.
What's going on? You're confusing me."
Then she told me like I was an idiot. She's like this.
She goes, "Well, I'm a lipstick lesbian.
Have you ever heard of the term?"
I said, "Yes. I've heard of it
like I've heard of Bigfoot and the Loch Ness Monster."
Doesn't mean I've ever seen one in real life, you know?
I mean, you see them on TV on the "Real L Word,"
but you don't see them in real life, you know?
Turns out she has a gaggle of friends
that are all just like her.
They're all like Barbie-looking lesbians, you know?
The first time I went out to dinner with them,
I felt like I was on "Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom."
"Oh, what a lucky spotting we have today.
"Take a look at this. This is very unusual indeed.
"This is the lipstick lesbian.
"Notice the application of the makeup,
"very rare for their kind,
"oh, and the movement in the high heels,
nearly unheard of amongst their tribe."
Lipstick lesbian.
I almost didn't want to date her because she was too pretty.
I didn't know what to do, you know?
Luckily, I was working in Chicago at the time.
So the first 3 months, we really just communicated
by email, on the phone, and Skype, you know?
We didn't, like, really have a date or anything,
and then came that night, the first night,
and I was already in love with her.
We were already in love by that point, right?
Lesbians, you know, "I love you," on the third date.
"Let's get tattoos and get married. Whoo!" you know.
So the first time we ever spent the night together,
I was already in love with her.
We were already in love, right?
It was kind of nice, but I was still kind of nervous.
So the first night, I pretty much had footy pajamas on
in the bed with the down cover over me, you know?
It takes me two minutes to get ready to bed.
For her, 45 minutes.
I laid there, you know, and she walked out
of the bathroom just wearing a thong, right,
and I, like, looked at her and said, "You know what, honey?
"I'm pretty much done. That's good enough for me.
"Get in the bed. Let's cuddle. Come on. Get over here.
"I cannot believe how good that thing looks on you.
That's how a thong is supposed to look on a person."
A thong does not look like that on me.
It looks like a magic trick that David Copperfield is doing.
It's, like, hanging there like a napkin, with no--
Because you can't see the straps that go around.
You know, they're hidden in the--
So it's just hanging there.
That's not appealing, is my point.
Looks good on a thin person, you know?
And, you know, we were just cuddling and touching
in the bed, and she's like, "Oh, my God, you're so sensual,"
and I really was looking for a Mattel stamp on her ass.
You know, I thought she could be half human, half doll.
I didn't know what she was, really.
Back then, it was scary. It was a little scary for us.
So we fell in love, which was a big surprise for me
because I didn't think that I would, you know,
want to get married again, but we did.
We got engaged and made a date to get married, August 17,
and we went away over Mother's Day to Napa Valley,
and Michelle got sick.
Yes, on Mother's Day, she had a stomachache,
and we stopped at the ER thinking it would be
something small, and they said,
"We think she has a burst ovarian cyst,"
but she did not have a burst ovarian cyst,
and it took 40 nights in different hospitals
and 4 different doctors, and finally, we got home
to New York, and it was the beginning of June,
and I said to the doctor,
"We're supposed to get married in August.
Do you think we should?"
He said, "No. You should postpone it because we don't
"know what she has and we don't know what to do,
but we're gonna do exploratory surgery in two days."
So that next day, we got married privately in the hospital,
and the next day, she had surgery, and they went in
and took out 12 inches of her colon,
and they found a very sticky, gluelike substance
that turned out to be a tumor called
mesenteric fibromatosis, also known as desmoid tumors.
3 in a million people get them.
It's a cancer, and we were very lucky because the doctors
said they got it all out, and she should be fine,
which was a huge relief,
but she came home, and we all took care of her
and nursed her, you know, week after week,
and it was really interesting because the focus
was on Michelle, even with my friends, you know?
Like, I remember, I picked up the phone, and it was like,
"Hello, Rosie. It's Barbra," and I start to pee a little.
So I'm like, "Kegel, Kegel," you know, because, still--
I'm just saying that's how much I love her.
I get a little-- Oh, my God, right?
I can't even, and I'm thinking she's calling--
She's like, "Can I speak to Michelle?"
I was like, "Oh. Oh, sure," you know?
So Michelle spoke to Barbra for, like, an hour, and--
and Cyndi called, Cyndi Lauper, you know,
and she's like, "Hey Wo, I can't bewieve
"I haven't talked to you in so wong.
"What's going on, buddy?
"Really, I want to speak to Mich, though.
So put her on the wine, alwight?"
So that was Cyndi--
Cyndi and Barbra Michelle was speaking to,
and then Penny Marshall called, who's a good, close
friend, and I was sure that Penny wanted to see
how I was doing, you know,
because I was the caretaker, you know,
And Penny's like, "Rosie!" And I'm like,
"Hey, Penny, thanks so much for calling."
"Yeah, no problem. Let me talk to your wife."
Now, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with it
because, you know, we were all happy that she got better,
but she did get a lot of attention.
You know, and I am a celebrity, so I'm used to a certain
amount of focus is my only point that I'm trying to make.
So, on August 14, I had a major heart attack and I said,
"Top that, bitch!"
Michelle actually wrote that joke.
When I woke up after my heart surgery, she actually said
to me, "Are you so narcissistic that you needed
to top my illness?"
I did. I had a heart attack on August 14 right here in Nyack.
We were at Nyack Hospital.
Michelle was having a routine scan to check that everything
was OK and it was.
We came out and parked in the handicap spot.
Was a woman stuck in her car.
The door was open.
The steering wheel was here.
Her walker was somehow out of the car.
Her body, her feet were on the floor,
but her body was stuck in the door jamb.
I estimated she was over 400 pounds.
I only know this because my heaviest was 230.
I understand the shame of being overweight in America.
I saw it in her eyes.
She looked at me and said, "Will you help me?" and I
said, "Yes," and I should have gone in and gotten orderlies.
I didn't know it would be as difficult as it was.
It took about 20 minutes.
Finally we got her up and into the hospital
and Michelle and I went home.
And two hours later, my biceps were killing me.
Not a little bit, and it was not radiating pain.
It felt as though a bear had grabbed both of my arms
and ripped out the muscle.
I thought this must have been from lifting her up.
Then my son Blake, who was 12 at the time, said, "Mommy,
you look like a ghost," and I looked in the mirror and it's
true--I was as white as the shirt I was wearing.
I then had to go to therapy.
My therapist here in Nyack, a British woman,
kind of smartass, kind of nasty,
a little superior acting, like Mary Poppins on crystal meth.
I told her the story. I said, "Do you think there's
any chance that I could be having a heart attack?"
And she said, "Oh, no, Rosie, what's happening to you,
"darling, is you're somaticizing your emotions.
"When you looked at that woman, you thought to yourself,
"'There before the grace of God go I.'
"You knew this was your future and that that woman was
the ghost of Christmas Future for you.'"
Fucking bitch.
She said I was not having a heart attack, so, I went home.
I figured she's a doctor, she would know, right?
I get home and I am so hot.
I am hotter than I ever was during menopause,
which happened for me from 40 to 45.
Here I was 50 and I was hotter than I ever was during that.
I tried to take off my clothes to get into bed, but I was
so tired I fell asleep with my clothes on.
I was more tired than I was with my first premature child.
I couldn't believe how tired or hot I was,
and my arms were still killing me.
Michelle woke me up at 6:00. She said,
"Honey, you need to eat."
She gave me two saltine crackers and I proceeded to throw up.
Throwing up when you're having a heart attack
is your body's last defense.
Everything goes, "Help me now," and what you throw up is
the consistency of skim milk and it doesn't feel like
anything you've ever had before.
Michelle Googled the symptoms of a woman having
a heart attack and she said, "Honey, you have 5 out
of the 5 signs," and I said,
"Yeah, but really what's the chances?"
I then did what 75% to 80% of women do while
having a major heart attack.
I did nothing.
I did not call 911.
I'm a tough woman.
I'm not afraid to speak my mind.
I did not call 911.
The doctor asked me why, and I couldn't really
come up with the words.
The best I can make of it is that my children were
so traumatized from Michelle being so sick, from us leaving
so many nights to go to the hospital.
I thought they would be scared if I left to go to
the hospital for my heart attack.
Never thinking how scared they would be to find me in the bed
dead in the morning.
Why didn't I call 911?
I worried that I didn't really need 911,
that I was causing them to come and they should
be helping someone else.
And that's what women do. 75% to 80% of us.
90% of men call 911 at the first sign of chest pain.
Those are the statistics.
Kind of shocking.
I had a heart attack at 9 a.m. on a Monday morning
and I did not go to the doctor until 5 p.m. on Wednesday.
Luckily, my wife made me chew aspirin every few hours.
She got Ziploc bags, filled them with ice,
and packed my body with them, and then convinced me not to
go to the hospital, but at least to
the cardiologist's office.
When I got into the cardiologist, he put all the
electrodes on my chest and asked me if I had any pain
and before I could answer he said,
"Miss O'Donnell, you've had a massive heart attack.
"You need to go to the hospital.
The ambulance is waiting."
In the ambulance I cried and I said to Michelle,
"I don't want to have a heart attack,"
and she said, "Too late, bitch!"
We got to the hospital, in the cath lab,
and all the nurses were waiting.
I love nurses. Are there any nurses here?
Give yourselves a round of applause because you save more
lives than doctors and you're underpaid
and underappreciated, but I think you are the boss.
[Applause]
I got to the cath lab.
All female nurses, all between the ages of 30 and 50,
all big fans of "League of Their Own."
Kind of good, kind of weird, because I was naked, I was
afraid, I thought I was dying, they were shaving parts of me
I had never shaved, and they were asking me questions like,
"Do you think Donny dropped that ball on purpose?"
I don't know. I really don't know.
I'm not sure.
When you've had a heart attack, they go in with a little
camera either through your groin or through your arm
in to look at your heart.
Everyone has 3 main arteries in their heart.
One on the left is called the left anterior descending
or the lateral anterior descending.
That provides the blood for 70% of your body
and your vital organs.
If that one is blocked, chances are
you are not going to survive.
They call that artery the widowmaker.
So when they go in to look, they look at
the right one first.
When you are having a catheterization, you're
half awake, like, kind of like a colonoscopy
so the doctor can speak to you.
He said to me, "Rosie, the right one looks fine.
"We're going into the left ones now.
"It shouldn't be a pro--
I have to go speak to your wife."
He went out and, unbeknownst to me, asked Michelle
if I was an organ donor.
Then he came back in and asked me if they were allowed to use
the electric shock machine on my heart should it be needed
during the surgery.
I then uttered a sentence I never had before.
I said, "Doctor, I am adamantly pro-life."
"Anything you need to do to save my life, doctor,
"that's what you do.
"Pick me, prod me, poke me in the butt, I don't care.
Do not let me die."
When you're about to go in for major heart surgery,
you start making deals with God.
I was like, "OK, listen.
I will never make fun of another Republican."
"Not even Elizabeth Hasselbeck."
It's been a hard one, but that's what I did.
It's been a hard one.
She's a lovely person and I admire her greatly.
Listen, I'm still alive. Shut the hell up.
Thing is, a weird thing happened to me, too.
I had not been to church since 1973, when my mother died.
I was 10. So, here I was at 50
having a heart attack, and right before
they put me under, I heard the Catholic priest
giving mass in my head.
I actually heard the words "Through him, with him,
"in him, in unity of the holy spirit,
"all glory and honor is yours.
Almighty father now and forever, amen."
I went with it. I figured cover all my bases, you know.
As I was going to sleep, the nurse held my hand, looked me
in the eyes, and with certainty said, "I will see
you in recovery," and I believed her.
And when I woke up, she was holding my hand
and Michelle was holding this one and I was
kind of out of it and they were talking
and Michelle said, "How's she doing compared to everyone
else who had what she had?"
And the nurse said, "Excellent," and Michelle
said, "How do you know?" And the nurse said,
"Because everyone else is dead."
They had never had anyone survive
100% percent blockage of the LAD for more than 10 hours and I had
survived for over 50, and they didn't know why.
They didn't know why.
I thought about it a lot and I think maybe, you know, my mom
was up there in heaven, you know,
like Jillian on "The Biggest Loser."
You know how you get a save?
I think my mom elbowed God and said,
"Hey, you see that fatty down there?
"That's my kid. I'd like to use my save.
There you go."
They didn't know why I lived.
They didn't know why.
So they kept coming in with all kinds of doctors to
examine and to talk to me and to show everyone.
This doctor who saved my life, he was a little bit like
a game show host.
He was kind of annoying, but I couldn't say anything
because he had saved my life, you know what I mean?
But he brought in all these interns.
It was like "Grey's Anatomy," you know, and he was like,
"Hey, Rosie, how are you feeling today?
"I bet a lot better than yesterday, huh?
"Hey, take a look at this. Intern, see this woman here?
"Over 50 hours, 100% blockage of the LAD.
"She should be D-E-A-D.
"Don't know why she's here. Ha ha!
"A surprise to all of us.
"You're a medical mystery, O'Donnell.
"Hey! Any idea what this is, Rosie? Any idea?
"Take a look. Take a look. You know what that is, sweetheart?
"You know what that is? Fruit. That's fruit, honey.
"You gotta start eating some.
"Put down the Ding Dongs. Put down the Ho Hos.
Start eating some fruit."
He was so obnoxious, but what could I say, you know?
I took some cherries because I was embarrassed, and I just ate
them, and I had had cherries.
Like my whole life,
I had Bing cherries as a kid on Long Island, right?
I grew up... I had cherries.
I didn't think anything of it,
and he's talking to the interns, and I notice that my
tongue is getting a little bit numb,
and then I realize that
it's actually getting larger in my mouth.
Now, I don't want to cause any trouble because I've already
had a heart attack, and the guy is obviously teaching the
interns about my case, but then it came to a point where
I was having trouble breathing.
So I say, "Excuse me, doctor.
"My tongue is now the size of a loaf of bread,"
and he said, "Oh, my God! Interns!
Can anybody tell me what's happening to Ms. O'Donnell?"
"Um, she's in anaphylactic shock?"
"That's right!
"Apparently Ms. O'Donnell is allergic to cherries.
Now, interns, what do we normally do with that?"
"Um, we give epinephrine."
"That's right, but we can't give that to Rosie.
"She had a heart attack 24 hours ago!
We don't know what the hell--"
"Give me that fucking EpiPen, you bastard!
I'll do it myself, you asshole!"
[Muffled] Get the fuck out of my house!
I nearly died in cardiac care trying to eat healthy.
That tells you something right there.
Tells you a little something.
When I was done and got home, was healthy, I started
learning a lot about heart disease in women, and I
was shocked.
My mother died of breast cancer.
My second mother died of breast cancer.
I was sure I would die of breast cancer.
30,000 women die of breast cancer every year in America.
300,000 women die of heart disease.
More women die of heart disease in America than all
cancers combined,
yet women don't know the symptoms.
We don't know our own symptoms.
I didn't know I was having a heart attack.
I thought a heart attack, you grab your chest, you fall down.
That's what I see on TV.
It's mostly men that they show, right?
When the doctor said I was having a heart attack, I'm like,
"Shouldn't that feel like Mike Tyson punched me in the tit?"
I mean, isn't that what a heart attack
is supposed to feel like?
I didn't know I had a heart attack, so I thought maybe the
reason that I didn't die is because I have a public voice
and I can share the facts with everybody.
Maybe that's the reason.
I don't know.
So I came up with an acronym, OK?
It's HEPPPP.
OK, don't fucking laugh. It was hard.
Nearly all of them started with consonants.
You try to do it. Bastard.
No, HEPPPP.
OK? It's weird but just think.
HEPPPP.
Hot, exhausted, pain, pale, puke.
Those are 5 signs for women.
Hot.
Hotter than you've ever been in your entire life.
Hotter than you ever were during menopause.
Exhausted.
More tired than you can ever remember being.
It feels like you are walking through syrup.
Pain, and here's the tricky part, ladies.
For us, the pain can be anywhere.
In your tongue, in your chin, in your neck, in your jaw,
in your back, in your shoulders, in your arms,
in your chest.
Any of those places.
That's the sign of a heart attack.
Pale.
You will be as white as you ever were.
And African American people, I'm really sorry.
I don't know what the fuck is gonna happen to you, OK?
No, I mean maybe you'll turn ashy, I don't know, but I
tried to Google it, and I felt like such a racist.
I did.
I was like, "Can black people turn pale?" and they were
like, "Fuck you, bitch."
I didn't know.
I was trying to help, but I don't really know what's gonna
happen, so work it out.
Just--call your friends.
I don't know what's gonna happen.
And the last sign is puke. You will throw up.
Most people do.
So it's hot, exhausted, pain, pale, puke.
Hot, exhausted, pain, pale, puke.
[Music playing]
♪ Hot, exhausted, pain, pale, puke ♪
Say what? Say...
♪ Hot, exhausted ♪
♪ Pain, pale, puke ♪
I think we should get, like, Pink and Beyoncé and Nicki
Minaj together and do a real rap version of that, you know.
Hot, exhausted, pain, pale, puke 'cause you gotta
remember it.
HEPPPP.
And because, you know, I am me, I thought maybe we could make
it into a Broadway musical.
[Cheering and applause]
I think--I really do--I think it might work, you know.
[To the tune of "My Favorite Things"] ♪ Arm pain or chest pain ♪
♪ Or pain in your shoulders ♪
♪ Pain in your neck or either one of your boulders ♪
♪ If you are sweating like never before ♪
♪ Call 9-1-1, get your ass out the door ♪
Please call 9-1-1.
Know the signs and save yourself.
Thank you very, very much. I hope you had a good time.
[Cheering and applause]
Good night!
Man: ♪ You've gotta have heart ♪
♪ All you really need is heart ♪
♪ When the odds are saying ♪
♪ You'll never win ♪
♪ That's when the grin ♪
♪ Should start ♪
How do these two behave?
Do they--they get along well? No?
They get along. I don't.
You don't get along with them?
Well, that's as it's supposed to be.
Do you have a sign on your bedroom door, "No boys allowed"?
Yes.
I knew it. How did I know it?
And you have "No girls allowed." Yeah.
Man: ♪ When your luck is batting zero ♪
♪ Get your chin up off the floor ♪
Rosie: You want me to take a picture of you and me?
Look, here we go.
Together.
Man: ♪ You can open any door... ♪
Rosie: Aren't we cute? Look at us.
Look at Mommy and say,
"I love ice cream."
Man: ♪ Miles and miles and miles of heart ♪
♪ Oh, it's fine to be a genius, of course ♪
How long have you been dating? 3 years.
And how's it going?
Not bad. Great.
And how old are you? 23.
Are you, like, a gymnast or something? You're all buffed out.
Both: Yeah! Yeah!
You got a gymnast body. Look at you!
Do a hand stand right here. Do a hand stand right here.
Watch this. Look at that! Look at him! See?
[Clapping]
Men: ♪ When the odds are saying you'll never win ♪
♪ That's when the grin ♪
♪ Should start ♪
Man: Now you're
getting the idea!
You want one, too?
Why not? She's like, "I guess so. I don't care, really."
Men: ♪ ...sit around and mope ♪
♪ Not a solitary sob ♪
♪ Do we heave, Mister ♪
♪ 'Cause we've got hope ♪
Man: Oh, boys, I'm proud of you!
Man: ♪ We're so happy ♪
♪ That we're hummin' ♪
Men: ♪ Hum, hum, hum ♪
Man: ♪ That's the hearty thing to do ♪
Men: ♪ Boo, boo, boo ♪
Say "Hi, Mom." Hi, Mama.
"I'm on HBO."
I'm on HBO!
With Rosie. With--
With Rosie, yeah.
Yeah. That's me.
Men: ♪ We've got heart ♪
♪ Miles and miles and miles of heart ♪
OK, write that we are engaged, on Instagram, OK?
And I'll say we are.
Man: ♪ Keep that old horse before the cart ♪
♪ First you gotta have heart ♪
Men: What have we got?
We've got heart!