1 00:00:08,800 --> 00:00:12,053 ♪ I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time ♪ 2 00:00:12,053 --> 00:00:13,888 ♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪ 3 00:00:13,888 --> 00:00:15,640 ♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪ 4 00:00:15,640 --> 00:00:18,727 ♪ Goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪ 5 00:00:18,727 --> 00:00:20,270 ♪ Ample parking day or night ♪ 6 00:00:20,270 --> 00:00:22,105 ♪ People spouting, "howdy, neighbor!" ♪ 7 00:00:22,105 --> 00:00:25,275 ♪ Heading on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind ♪ 8 00:00:25,275 --> 00:00:28,778 ♪ Mrph rmhmhm rm! Mrph rmhmhm rm! ♪ 9 00:00:28,778 --> 00:00:32,741 ♪ Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine ♪ 10 00:00:40,123 --> 00:00:41,374 See, Stan? You gotta choose 11 00:00:41,374 --> 00:00:43,251 if you wanna be in Gryffindor or Slytherin. 12 00:00:43,251 --> 00:00:45,211 Yeah, can I do it? 13 00:00:45,211 --> 00:00:47,297 Yeah, see, you gotta fight these fairy guys. 14 00:00:47,297 --> 00:00:48,465 Randy. 15 00:00:49,883 --> 00:00:51,134 Randy! 16 00:00:51,134 --> 00:00:52,635 The powder room toilet is broken. 17 00:00:52,635 --> 00:00:54,053 Again! 18 00:00:54,053 --> 00:00:55,513 Did you jiggle the handle? 19 00:00:55,513 --> 00:00:56,973 Yes, I jiggled the handle. 20 00:00:56,973 --> 00:00:58,767 Will you come fix this, please? 21 00:00:58,767 --> 00:01:01,144 Okay, okay. 22 00:01:06,733 --> 00:01:08,526 Huh, well, let's see. 23 00:01:08,526 --> 00:01:12,238 It's gotta be the little black floaty thingie. 24 00:01:12,238 --> 00:01:13,490 What'd you do to it? 25 00:01:13,490 --> 00:01:15,158 I didn't do anything. 26 00:01:15,158 --> 00:01:16,451 Lemme see if there's water in the bowl. 27 00:01:16,451 --> 00:01:18,495 No! Don't lift the lid. 28 00:01:18,495 --> 00:01:20,205 Why can't I lift the lid? 29 00:01:20,205 --> 00:01:23,208 Don't, Randy! Uh-huh. 30 00:01:23,208 --> 00:01:25,168 Hey, guys! Your mom took a shit 31 00:01:25,168 --> 00:01:26,711 and doesn't want me to see it. 32 00:01:26,711 --> 00:01:28,671 Ew! Gross, Dad! 33 00:01:28,671 --> 00:01:31,382 Randy! We need to get a new toilet. 34 00:01:31,382 --> 00:01:33,927 We can't just get rid of ol' blue, Sharon. 35 00:01:33,927 --> 00:01:35,470 This is embarrassing. 36 00:01:35,470 --> 00:01:38,431 It's the powder room toilet, the one guests use. 37 00:01:38,431 --> 00:01:40,016 You get a new toilet, Randy, 38 00:01:40,016 --> 00:01:43,019 or I'm not helping you sell weed anymore! 39 00:01:43,019 --> 00:01:45,396 Alright, alright. Sharon, you win. 40 00:01:45,396 --> 00:01:46,564 As usual. 41 00:01:48,608 --> 00:01:49,818 Poor ol' Blue. 42 00:01:58,034 --> 00:01:59,786 Can I help you with anything? 43 00:01:59,786 --> 00:02:02,580 Oh, yeah, just lookin' for a new toilet to replace Ol' Blue. 44 00:02:02,580 --> 00:02:04,707 Alright, well, all our toilets here are standard bowl, 45 00:02:04,707 --> 00:02:05,875 come with full warranty. 46 00:02:05,875 --> 00:02:07,168 How much you looking to spend? 47 00:02:07,168 --> 00:02:08,503 Well I'm not poor. 48 00:02:08,503 --> 00:02:10,547 I happen to have my own weed business. 49 00:02:10,547 --> 00:02:12,882 So that's pretty much the nicest one you have, right? 50 00:02:12,882 --> 00:02:14,467 Yeah, that's probably the top model, you know, 51 00:02:14,467 --> 00:02:18,012 before you start getting into the Japanese toilets. 52 00:02:18,012 --> 00:02:19,347 Japanese toilets? 53 00:02:19,347 --> 00:02:21,057 Yeah, they're the sort of the super-high-class 54 00:02:21,057 --> 00:02:22,684 luxury models with all the bells and whistles. 55 00:02:22,684 --> 00:02:25,395 But you probably don't wanna spend that kind of money. 56 00:02:25,395 --> 00:02:27,105 I'm not poor. 57 00:02:27,105 --> 00:02:29,858 Oh, well, we can show them to you. 58 00:02:29,858 --> 00:02:32,068 The Japanese toilets are right over there. 59 00:02:37,824 --> 00:02:39,075 Hi, Rick. This gentleman 60 00:02:39,075 --> 00:02:40,869 would like to see the Japanese toilets. 61 00:02:40,869 --> 00:02:43,079 Well, of course, sir. My name is Rick. 62 00:02:43,079 --> 00:02:45,081 Let me know if there's anything you need. 63 00:02:47,292 --> 00:02:49,460 These toilets are all equipped with the highest-end features, 64 00:02:49,460 --> 00:02:51,254 including an automatic bidet system, 65 00:02:51,254 --> 00:02:53,756 bluetooth capability, and seat warmers. 66 00:02:53,756 --> 00:02:56,050 Seat warmers? 67 00:02:56,050 --> 00:02:57,760 And the toilet senses when you've come into the room, 68 00:02:57,760 --> 00:02:59,971 turns on a small light, plays welcome music, 69 00:02:59,971 --> 00:03:01,639 and raises the lid for you. 70 00:03:01,639 --> 00:03:04,350 Can I offer you come sparkling water or champagne? 71 00:03:04,350 --> 00:03:06,603 Oh, sure, I'll take some champagne. 72 00:03:06,603 --> 00:03:08,563 All the toilet's functions are operated 73 00:03:08,563 --> 00:03:10,565 by a touch-button remote which you mount 74 00:03:10,565 --> 00:03:12,775 where the toilet-paper roll used to go. 75 00:03:12,775 --> 00:03:14,861 So then where do you keep the toilet paper? 76 00:03:14,861 --> 00:03:18,197 With a Japanese toilet, you don't need toilet paper. 77 00:03:18,197 --> 00:03:20,700 The toilet washes you completely clean. 78 00:03:22,827 --> 00:03:24,203 You're mad. 79 00:03:24,203 --> 00:03:25,997 No, it's true. 80 00:03:25,997 --> 00:03:27,749 It has warm water and a dryer 81 00:03:27,749 --> 00:03:30,585 and cleans you eight times better than toilet paper can. 82 00:03:32,503 --> 00:03:34,964 Would you like to take one for a test drive? 83 00:03:34,964 --> 00:03:36,174 Oh, uh, sure. 84 00:03:36,174 --> 00:03:38,217 I did have kind of a big breakfast. 85 00:03:38,217 --> 00:03:39,802 Right over here. 86 00:03:55,443 --> 00:03:56,945 {\an8}Oh, yeah ♪ 87 00:03:59,113 --> 00:04:01,366 I, I, I ♪ 88 00:04:01,366 --> 00:04:02,992 Oh. 89 00:04:04,577 --> 00:04:05,578 Oh, yeah ♪ 90 00:04:07,205 --> 00:04:09,499 Ooh. Oh, oh! Oh. 91 00:04:09,499 --> 00:04:10,917 Ahhh! 92 00:04:10,917 --> 00:04:13,044 Oh, oh! 93 00:04:20,343 --> 00:04:22,470 Ohh! Oh. 94 00:04:27,225 --> 00:04:30,979 Okay, how much? 95 00:04:30,979 --> 00:04:34,399 Guys, I wanted to talk to you because I want you all 96 00:04:34,399 --> 00:04:36,859 to think about how we're viewed as a family. 97 00:04:38,444 --> 00:04:41,197 You know, as a prominent weed dealer, we are successful, 98 00:04:41,197 --> 00:04:43,825 and we're sort of looked up to in this town 99 00:04:43,825 --> 00:04:47,829 because we have nice things that most families can't afford. 100 00:04:47,829 --> 00:04:49,914 I mean, Stan, you're playing "Hogwarts Legacy" 101 00:04:49,914 --> 00:04:51,541 on PS5, right? 102 00:04:51,541 --> 00:04:53,626 You're playing "Hogwarts Legacy" on a PS5. 103 00:04:53,626 --> 00:04:56,087 Yeah, my-- my point is that most people in town 104 00:04:56,087 --> 00:04:57,672 don't even have a PS5. 105 00:04:57,672 --> 00:04:59,215 They still have PS4s, 106 00:04:59,215 --> 00:05:02,635 and so we're basically the Kennedys of South Park. 107 00:05:03,928 --> 00:05:07,056 And the plain fact is that well-off families 108 00:05:07,056 --> 00:05:08,474 have nice things, 109 00:05:08,474 --> 00:05:10,560 and we shouldn't be ashamed of that. 110 00:05:15,106 --> 00:05:18,276 Hajimemashite. Japanese Torei des! 111 00:05:18,276 --> 00:05:20,403 Uh, yes, thank you. Bring it on in. 112 00:05:20,403 --> 00:05:23,489 Delivery men: Kyo fun yori! Kro fun yori! 113 00:05:23,489 --> 00:05:28,494 Kyo fun yori! Kro fun yori! Kro fun yori! 114 00:05:28,494 --> 00:05:31,289 That's the new toilet? How much did it cost? 115 00:05:31,289 --> 00:05:33,958 Oh, Sharon. Tennish. 116 00:05:33,958 --> 00:05:36,502 What's tennish? 117 00:05:36,502 --> 00:05:38,713 Thousandish. Ten thousandish. 118 00:05:38,713 --> 00:05:41,924 You spent $10,000 on a toilet?! 119 00:05:41,924 --> 00:05:44,177 We don't have that kind of money, Randy! 120 00:05:44,177 --> 00:05:45,470 Yeah, we do. 121 00:05:45,470 --> 00:05:47,388 Shitsurei Shimasu! Owarimashita. 122 00:05:47,388 --> 00:05:49,265 Okay, yeah, right here? Okay. 123 00:05:52,685 --> 00:05:54,771 Doomo! Aringanto gozaimashita! 124 00:05:54,771 --> 00:05:56,606 Aringato gozaimashita! 125 00:05:56,606 --> 00:05:58,066 K, thanks. 126 00:06:03,362 --> 00:06:05,782 You are taking that back to the store. 127 00:06:05,782 --> 00:06:07,116 Try it, Sharon. 128 00:06:07,116 --> 00:06:08,576 I don't need to, Randy. I want-- 129 00:06:08,576 --> 00:06:10,203 Try it, Sharon! 130 00:06:19,212 --> 00:06:21,297 Oh, yeah ♪ 131 00:06:21,297 --> 00:06:23,132 Oh. Oh. 132 00:06:23,132 --> 00:06:24,509 I, I, I ♪ 133 00:06:24,509 --> 00:06:26,886 Oh! Ohh! 134 00:06:26,886 --> 00:06:28,387 Ah-ha-ha! 135 00:06:28,387 --> 00:06:29,430 I wanna try it. 136 00:06:29,430 --> 00:06:30,640 Shhh! 137 00:06:30,640 --> 00:06:32,016 Ah-ho-ho! 138 00:06:32,016 --> 00:06:34,310 Ohh! 139 00:06:39,816 --> 00:06:41,275 Oh, look, there he goes. 140 00:06:41,275 --> 00:06:42,985 It's Mr. Big Shot. 141 00:06:44,779 --> 00:06:46,572 Hey, Richie Rich. You eating caviar 142 00:06:46,572 --> 00:06:48,199 for lunch today, Richie Rich? 143 00:06:52,245 --> 00:06:55,164 Stan, just so you know, nobody gives a shit. 144 00:06:57,125 --> 00:06:58,417 About what? 145 00:06:58,417 --> 00:06:59,752 Come on, guys! 146 00:07:02,588 --> 00:07:04,966 Did you know some people can't even afford to eat? 147 00:07:04,966 --> 00:07:07,885 How about caring for something that matters, you bitch? 148 00:07:09,345 --> 00:07:10,763 What the fuck? 149 00:07:10,763 --> 00:07:13,474 Hey, Stan, you really have to be careful. 150 00:07:13,474 --> 00:07:15,059 Of what? 151 00:07:15,059 --> 00:07:17,103 Look, it's great that you come from a wealthy family, 152 00:07:17,103 --> 00:07:19,230 but people don't like getting their noses rubbed in it. 153 00:07:19,230 --> 00:07:21,941 Dude, I haven't even said anything! 154 00:07:21,941 --> 00:07:23,818 Well, your dad called everyone last night 155 00:07:23,818 --> 00:07:26,070 and told them you have a $10,000 toilet. 156 00:07:26,070 --> 00:07:27,321 What?! 157 00:07:28,906 --> 00:07:31,492 Well, thanks for having us over for brunch, Randy. 158 00:07:31,492 --> 00:07:33,953 Yeah, what's the special occasion? 159 00:07:33,953 --> 00:07:37,165 Oh, you know, just good times with dear friends. 160 00:07:37,165 --> 00:07:39,417 Does anyone need to go to the bathroom? 161 00:07:39,417 --> 00:07:41,043 Uh, no, I'm-- I'm good. 162 00:07:41,043 --> 00:07:42,962 Oh, maybe some more coffee, then. 163 00:07:42,962 --> 00:07:45,339 Can you guys believe all the snow we've gotten? 164 00:07:45,339 --> 00:07:47,466 Yeah, maybe it will actually help with the drought. 165 00:07:47,466 --> 00:07:48,551 Let's hope so. 166 00:07:48,551 --> 00:07:52,054 Does anyone need a bathroom break? 167 00:07:52,054 --> 00:07:54,390 Well, actually, I-I think I could use the restroom. 168 00:07:54,390 --> 00:07:55,892 That was kind of a big breakfast. 169 00:07:55,892 --> 00:07:57,727 Oh! Oh, yeah, sure! It's, uh-- 170 00:07:57,727 --> 00:07:58,728 It's right across the hallway. 171 00:07:58,728 --> 00:08:00,938 Right there. 172 00:08:06,861 --> 00:08:08,696 Butters' Dad: Oh. 173 00:08:08,696 --> 00:08:10,364 What was that? 174 00:08:10,364 --> 00:08:12,909 Oh, that's the welcome music for my Japanese toilet. 175 00:08:12,909 --> 00:08:15,286 I've heard of those. Aren't they expensive? 176 00:08:15,286 --> 00:08:16,746 Yeah, a bit. 177 00:08:16,746 --> 00:08:18,664 But for those of us who can afford it, 178 00:08:18,664 --> 00:08:20,166 it's well worth it. 179 00:08:20,166 --> 00:08:22,084 Oh! Ohhh! 180 00:08:22,084 --> 00:08:24,295 Ohhhh! 181 00:08:24,295 --> 00:08:26,005 He's now turned on the rear jet, 182 00:08:26,005 --> 00:08:28,257 which cleans your bottom with warm water. 183 00:08:28,257 --> 00:08:29,634 Oh. Ohhh! 184 00:08:29,634 --> 00:08:31,928 Ah! That's the front washer 185 00:08:31,928 --> 00:08:34,430 that washes your balls, or vagina. 186 00:08:36,849 --> 00:08:39,393 If you think about it, a dry piece of toilet paper 187 00:08:39,393 --> 00:08:42,021 can't clean you half as well as pressurized water. 188 00:08:42,021 --> 00:08:43,689 I feel bad that most people have to walk around 189 00:08:43,689 --> 00:08:45,399 with fecal matter on their anus, 190 00:08:45,399 --> 00:08:46,859 but I'm just lucky 191 00:08:46,859 --> 00:08:48,819 I've sold enough weed to be able not to. 192 00:08:48,819 --> 00:08:51,489 But was it really luck? Or was it hard work? 193 00:08:51,489 --> 00:08:53,074 Heck, I don't know, but you know-- 194 00:08:53,074 --> 00:08:54,700 Dad, can I talk to you?! 195 00:08:54,700 --> 00:08:56,702 Stan? You're back from school already? 196 00:08:56,702 --> 00:08:59,372 I need to talk to you right now! 197 00:08:59,372 --> 00:09:00,581 The fuck are you doing?! 198 00:09:00,581 --> 00:09:02,041 Fuck are you doing? 199 00:09:02,041 --> 00:09:04,126 You need to stop gloating to everybody! 200 00:09:04,126 --> 00:09:05,795 I am not gloating. 201 00:09:05,795 --> 00:09:06,963 Yes, you are, and now kids at school 202 00:09:06,963 --> 00:09:09,215 are calling me Richie Rich! 203 00:09:09,215 --> 00:09:10,758 They are? 204 00:09:10,758 --> 00:09:12,260 Nobody cares about your stupid toilet 205 00:09:12,260 --> 00:09:14,053 and you're acting like a jerk. 206 00:09:14,053 --> 00:09:18,099 I'm acting like a jerk because I'm trying to help people?! 207 00:09:18,099 --> 00:09:20,059 How are you trying to help people, Dad? 208 00:09:20,059 --> 00:09:23,479 Because the people don't know that these toilets are awesome, 209 00:09:23,479 --> 00:09:25,690 and I'm just, like, the well-respected guy 210 00:09:25,690 --> 00:09:28,484 who's trying to open people's eyes like JFK. 211 00:09:28,484 --> 00:09:31,570 You are not like JFK! 212 00:09:31,570 --> 00:09:33,030 You're just showing off! 213 00:09:33,030 --> 00:09:36,867 Nu-uh, I'm like JFK 'cause I am trying to change things! 214 00:09:36,867 --> 00:09:39,328 You're part of a very respected family, Stan. 215 00:09:39,328 --> 00:09:41,539 You should start acting like it. 216 00:09:41,539 --> 00:09:43,541 Okay, who's next? 217 00:09:49,672 --> 00:09:53,718 {\an8}Oh, yeah ♪ 218 00:09:53,718 --> 00:09:55,177 {\an8}I, I, I ♪ 219 00:09:57,888 --> 00:10:02,768 Atashi wa Heia des-u ♪ 220 00:10:02,768 --> 00:10:06,355 Randy singing along: Toire ni iru kara ♪ 221 00:10:06,355 --> 00:10:07,273 Randy? 222 00:10:07,273 --> 00:10:08,774 ♪ Kimochi i i ♪ 223 00:10:08,774 --> 00:10:10,609 Randy! What?! 224 00:10:10,609 --> 00:10:14,155 Your proctologist is here to see you. 225 00:10:14,155 --> 00:10:16,032 My proctologist? 226 00:10:16,032 --> 00:10:17,408 Atashi ♪ 227 00:10:18,451 --> 00:10:19,952 Oh, hey there, Doc. 228 00:10:19,952 --> 00:10:22,246 Well, Randy Marsh, how are ya? 229 00:10:22,246 --> 00:10:24,123 I'm doing great. How are you? 230 00:10:24,123 --> 00:10:26,167 Wonderful! Just been super busy. 231 00:10:26,167 --> 00:10:29,170 I'm actually takin' the wife to Tuscany day after tomorrow. 232 00:10:29,170 --> 00:10:31,047 Tuscany? Wow. Awesome. 233 00:10:31,047 --> 00:10:33,299 Yeah, well, Randy you haven't been in my office 234 00:10:33,299 --> 00:10:35,009 for a few days, so I thought I'd come 235 00:10:35,009 --> 00:10:37,345 do a house call to help you with your hemorrhoids. 236 00:10:37,345 --> 00:10:39,347 Oh! No, Doctor. 237 00:10:39,347 --> 00:10:41,682 I haven't needed to come to your office. 238 00:10:41,682 --> 00:10:44,268 In fact, I don't think I'll be needing your services anymore 239 00:10:44,268 --> 00:10:46,854 since I've gotten a Japanese toilet. 240 00:10:46,854 --> 00:10:48,230 Oh-- Oh, really? 241 00:10:48,230 --> 00:10:50,232 It's completely changed my life. 242 00:10:50,232 --> 00:10:52,234 I'm healthier, I'm less stressed, 243 00:10:52,234 --> 00:10:55,071 and I don't get hemorrhoids 'cause I'm not smearing shit 244 00:10:55,071 --> 00:10:56,906 all over my ass with toilet paper. 245 00:10:56,906 --> 00:10:58,407 Huh. 246 00:10:58,407 --> 00:10:59,700 Here, here. You wanna come see it?! 247 00:11:00,659 --> 00:11:02,328 Go on, check it out. 248 00:11:15,424 --> 00:11:17,385 D-Dr. Sheltair? 249 00:11:19,387 --> 00:11:21,722 Dr. Sheltair?! 250 00:11:21,722 --> 00:11:23,766 You stupid! 251 00:11:23,766 --> 00:11:26,352 You ruined Tuscany! Gah! 252 00:11:26,352 --> 00:11:27,978 Stop it! I hate you! 253 00:11:27,978 --> 00:11:30,314 I hate you! I hate you! 254 00:11:30,314 --> 00:11:32,483 Go on! Get out of here! 255 00:11:32,483 --> 00:11:33,943 How am I supposed to tell my wife 256 00:11:33,943 --> 00:11:36,654 we can't afford to go to Tuscany now?! 257 00:11:36,654 --> 00:11:39,990 I never realized you made so much money off my ass. 258 00:11:39,990 --> 00:11:42,034 Go on. Get. 259 00:11:42,034 --> 00:11:43,661 Get! 260 00:11:53,421 --> 00:11:55,047 Hey, Stan! Stan hold up! 261 00:11:55,047 --> 00:11:56,715 What? 262 00:11:56,715 --> 00:11:58,843 Well, um, you're just a really good friend, Stan, 263 00:11:58,843 --> 00:12:00,970 and-- and I was gonna ask if maybe 264 00:12:00,970 --> 00:12:02,680 I could borrow your plungercost? 265 00:12:02,680 --> 00:12:05,141 What's a plungercost? 266 00:12:05,141 --> 00:12:07,893 when your toilet's nice as yours, Richie Rich! 267 00:12:09,645 --> 00:12:12,314 I did it! I called Stan Richie Rich, too! 268 00:12:12,314 --> 00:12:14,900 That was fun! 269 00:12:17,403 --> 00:12:20,364 Stan, you've got to stop bragging about your toilet. 270 00:12:20,364 --> 00:12:22,199 I'm not bragging about my toilet! 271 00:12:22,199 --> 00:12:24,160 And why is it such a big deal anyway? 272 00:12:24,160 --> 00:12:27,997 It's a big deal, Stan. You just don't understand why. 273 00:12:30,833 --> 00:12:34,420 Have you ever asked yourself why we use toilet paper? 274 00:12:34,420 --> 00:12:37,756 We're told to wash our hands... wear masks in crowds... 275 00:12:37,756 --> 00:12:39,800 but for some reason, when it comes to wiping our ass, 276 00:12:39,800 --> 00:12:42,803 we're told to do it with this little piece of paper. 277 00:12:42,803 --> 00:12:45,347 We are all-- all of us-- walking around right now 278 00:12:45,347 --> 00:12:48,225 with a little bit of shit smeared on our buttholes. 279 00:12:48,225 --> 00:12:50,102 Did you know that 70% of people in the world 280 00:12:50,102 --> 00:12:53,022 don't even use it at all? 281 00:12:53,022 --> 00:12:54,982 70% of the world doesn't use toilet paper? 282 00:12:54,982 --> 00:12:56,942 Look it up. 283 00:12:56,942 --> 00:12:59,570 Most people in the world still use good ol' soap and water. 284 00:12:59,570 --> 00:13:02,448 The average American uses 140 rolls 285 00:13:02,448 --> 00:13:04,366 of toilet paper per year. 286 00:13:04,366 --> 00:13:06,952 Can you even begin to imagine how many trees that is? 287 00:13:06,952 --> 00:13:08,787 To supply the United States its toilet paper, 288 00:13:08,787 --> 00:13:13,626 it takes 31.1 million trees per year. 289 00:13:13,626 --> 00:13:15,461 A million acres per year of precious 290 00:13:15,461 --> 00:13:16,837 Canadian Boreal forest alone, 291 00:13:16,837 --> 00:13:19,632 releasing upwards of 25 metric tons of CO2 292 00:13:19,632 --> 00:13:22,009 and leveling 90% of the land barren. 293 00:13:22,009 --> 00:13:24,637 So, then, why do Americans use it so much? 294 00:13:24,637 --> 00:13:26,597 Well, that's the big question, isn't it? 295 00:13:26,597 --> 00:13:29,266 None of it makes any sense. 296 00:13:29,266 --> 00:13:31,393 Just tell your dad to stop. 297 00:13:31,393 --> 00:13:33,145 Americans don't want to change their toilets 298 00:13:33,145 --> 00:13:35,606 and they never will. 299 00:13:35,606 --> 00:13:38,651 Ladies and gentlemen, we have a public service announcement. 300 00:13:38,651 --> 00:13:41,529 One of our citizens has asked to speak with you. 301 00:13:41,529 --> 00:13:44,448 Please welcome Mr. Randy S. Marsh. 302 00:13:48,827 --> 00:13:51,789 Thank you, Mayor. Thank you, everyone. 303 00:13:51,789 --> 00:13:54,208 You know, the Marshes are a family that try to always 304 00:13:54,208 --> 00:13:55,918 lead by example. 305 00:13:55,918 --> 00:13:59,797 And we know that all of you appreciate that. 306 00:13:59,797 --> 00:14:04,677 Everyone deserves to be clean, and the truth is, you can be. 307 00:14:04,677 --> 00:14:06,345 You might not be the Marshes, 308 00:14:06,345 --> 00:14:09,682 but you can afford a Japanese toilet. 309 00:14:09,682 --> 00:14:12,518 Just not a really nice one like what we have. 310 00:14:12,518 --> 00:14:14,144 If you take into account the money 311 00:14:14,144 --> 00:14:17,439 we all spend on toilet paper, doctors, and hemorrhoid cream, 312 00:14:17,439 --> 00:14:21,819 a Japanese toilet pays for itself in just a few years. 313 00:14:21,819 --> 00:14:25,364 There are actually Japanese toilets made for commoners. 314 00:14:25,364 --> 00:14:27,908 Walmart and Amazon all carry the lower 315 00:14:27,908 --> 00:14:31,453 cost of shitty Japanese toilets that anyone can afford. 316 00:14:31,453 --> 00:14:33,289 There's even these like attachment thingies 317 00:14:33,289 --> 00:14:34,623 for your existing toilet 318 00:14:34,623 --> 00:14:37,167 which will make you feel like a Marsh yourself. 319 00:14:37,167 --> 00:14:39,587 They may not be Nihon No style-ru, 320 00:14:39,587 --> 00:14:42,256 but they are good enough for you guys. 321 00:14:42,256 --> 00:14:47,845 The point is-- even commoners don't need toilet paper anymore! 322 00:14:47,845 --> 00:14:50,472 And, so, I am suggesting that this town puts all-- 323 00:14:52,600 --> 00:14:55,894 Holy shit! 324 00:14:55,894 --> 00:14:57,813 Randy?! Wah! 325 00:15:04,820 --> 00:15:07,656 I'm sorry, but he's in critical condition. 326 00:15:07,656 --> 00:15:09,450 Who shot him? 327 00:15:09,450 --> 00:15:11,285 Nobody knows. 328 00:15:11,285 --> 00:15:13,203 Is he gonna be okay? 329 00:15:13,203 --> 00:15:14,705 He's in a coma. 330 00:15:14,705 --> 00:15:18,250 He's unconscious and just blabbering nonsense. 331 00:15:19,793 --> 00:15:24,548 Bikkuri... Bikkurishita... Taiehn deshou... 332 00:15:24,548 --> 00:15:27,801 Mr. Marsh, your whole family is here. 333 00:15:27,801 --> 00:15:30,721 Your wife, your daughter, and your son. 334 00:15:30,721 --> 00:15:33,349 T-Toire Wa? 335 00:15:33,349 --> 00:15:35,601 No, your toilet is back at the farm. 336 00:15:35,601 --> 00:15:38,771 Taihen ja naaaa.... 337 00:15:38,771 --> 00:15:41,398 Dad, I'm sorry I yelled at you before. 338 00:15:41,398 --> 00:15:44,234 I didn't know you were really trying to help. 339 00:15:44,234 --> 00:15:47,821 Kon-nichi waaa... 340 00:15:49,615 --> 00:15:53,452 - Stan, where are you going? - I let dad down once. 341 00:15:53,452 --> 00:15:55,621 Somebody has to pick up where he left off. 342 00:16:01,293 --> 00:16:03,545 I promise we're doing all we can. 343 00:16:03,545 --> 00:16:04,922 I'm sorry for what happened, 344 00:16:04,922 --> 00:16:06,882 but you need to leave it to the professionals. 345 00:16:06,882 --> 00:16:08,884 There's something more going on here. 346 00:16:08,884 --> 00:16:11,220 I think my dad was on to something and I 347 00:16:11,220 --> 00:16:13,305 didn't listen to him, and now he's in a hospital. 348 00:16:13,305 --> 00:16:14,723 We've already got a few leads 349 00:16:14,723 --> 00:16:16,475 and we're following up on all of them. 350 00:16:16,475 --> 00:16:19,603 I assure you we take this all very seriously. 351 00:16:19,603 --> 00:16:21,522 This isn't a joke to us. 352 00:16:21,522 --> 00:16:23,524 - Chief, hey, Chief! - Yeah? 353 00:16:23,524 --> 00:16:24,900 An angry proctologist walked in 354 00:16:24,900 --> 00:16:26,860 to the toilet section of Home Depot. 355 00:16:26,860 --> 00:16:28,737 Y-Yeah? 356 00:16:28,737 --> 00:16:30,656 Proctologist says to the toilet manager, 357 00:16:30,656 --> 00:16:32,574 "I ain't taking the fall," and pulls a gun 358 00:16:32,574 --> 00:16:34,243 on six Japanese delivery men. 359 00:16:34,243 --> 00:16:35,869 Okay. 360 00:16:35,869 --> 00:16:37,663 So, then, the six Japanese delivery men show up, 361 00:16:37,663 --> 00:16:39,540 and the proctologist has everyone held hostage 362 00:16:39,540 --> 00:16:41,041 and says he's not taking the fall 363 00:16:41,041 --> 00:16:43,335 for the Randy Marsh shooting. 364 00:16:43,335 --> 00:16:44,962 Oh, shit, this is actually happening?! 365 00:16:44,962 --> 00:16:46,880 Come on people let's go! 366 00:16:49,675 --> 00:16:51,468 I ain't going down for this! 367 00:16:51,468 --> 00:16:55,013 You got that, coppers?! I didn't shoot anybody! 368 00:16:55,013 --> 00:16:56,265 But if I'm going down, 369 00:16:56,265 --> 00:16:58,767 I'll take these careless bastards out with me! 370 00:16:58,767 --> 00:17:00,561 Would you like some sparkling water or cham-- 371 00:17:02,688 --> 00:17:04,189 Come on out. 372 00:17:04,189 --> 00:17:07,151 There's no other way, we have you surrounded. 373 00:17:07,151 --> 00:17:09,945 I didn't shoot Randy Marsh! 374 00:17:09,945 --> 00:17:12,740 - Taihen! - Nobody's saying you did! 375 00:17:12,740 --> 00:17:16,034 No, but they're gonna use me as their scapegoat! 376 00:17:16,034 --> 00:17:18,203 They'll fix things like they always do! 377 00:17:18,203 --> 00:17:20,330 - Who will? - They'll use their lawyers 378 00:17:20,330 --> 00:17:22,750 and their power to make it all go away! 379 00:17:22,750 --> 00:17:24,960 Just like they did back when that 2nd grade kid 380 00:17:24,960 --> 00:17:26,920 wrote a story in the school paper about toilets 381 00:17:26,920 --> 00:17:28,213 two years ago! 382 00:17:28,213 --> 00:17:29,798 They'll take me out, too! 383 00:17:29,798 --> 00:17:31,300 There's no stopping them! 384 00:17:31,300 --> 00:17:32,926 Don't do it! 385 00:17:34,678 --> 00:17:36,638 Sabishiiiii! 386 00:17:36,638 --> 00:17:38,348 Aww! Alright move in! 387 00:17:38,348 --> 00:17:40,267 Secure the area. 388 00:17:40,267 --> 00:17:43,520 2nd grade kid two years ago... 389 00:17:43,520 --> 00:17:45,981 Wrote about toilets in the school news paper. 390 00:17:49,818 --> 00:17:53,655 You weren't warning me about people getting upset. 391 00:17:53,655 --> 00:17:55,365 You know more about this. 392 00:17:57,785 --> 00:17:59,453 Hey! 393 00:17:59,453 --> 00:18:01,163 You wrote a story in the school paper 394 00:18:01,163 --> 00:18:02,581 and someone came after you! 395 00:18:02,581 --> 00:18:04,792 Yeah I wrote a story, big deal! 396 00:18:04,792 --> 00:18:07,086 Jimmy, I want to know who shot my dad! 397 00:18:07,086 --> 00:18:09,087 They took everything from me, Stan. 398 00:18:09,087 --> 00:18:11,840 My bike... my cat... 399 00:18:11,840 --> 00:18:13,425 They were gonna sue my parents 400 00:18:13,425 --> 00:18:15,385 for what I wrote in the school paper. 401 00:18:15,385 --> 00:18:18,972 You're talking about the toilet paper companies. 402 00:18:18,972 --> 00:18:21,850 Who has the most to lose? It's all toilet paper, Stan! 403 00:18:21,850 --> 00:18:25,604 Follow the money! 140 rolls per American per year. 404 00:18:25,604 --> 00:18:27,439 Factories pushing out roll after roll 405 00:18:27,439 --> 00:18:29,191 while razing Earth's resources. 406 00:18:29,191 --> 00:18:31,026 All of this for an unsanitary product 407 00:18:31,026 --> 00:18:33,320 that has been proven to contribute to anal fissures. 408 00:18:33,320 --> 00:18:35,030 Don't you get it, man? 409 00:18:35,030 --> 00:18:38,534 Paper doesn't clean bacteria. It can't stop viruses. 410 00:18:38,534 --> 00:18:40,035 With all that information, 411 00:18:40,035 --> 00:18:41,495 you'd think the world health organization 412 00:18:41,495 --> 00:18:43,622 would do studies to find alternatives. 413 00:18:43,622 --> 00:18:45,207 So why don't they? 414 00:18:45,207 --> 00:18:47,334 Because toilet paper is an industry worth 415 00:18:47,334 --> 00:18:50,671 billions and b-billions of dollars. 416 00:18:50,671 --> 00:18:54,925 Kimberly-Clark, Georgia-Pacific, Procter & Gamble. 417 00:18:54,925 --> 00:18:57,511 They don't want Japanese toilets in America 418 00:18:57,511 --> 00:18:59,847 and they have the power to stop them, 419 00:18:59,847 --> 00:19:03,058 and to stop you. 420 00:19:03,058 --> 00:19:05,269 I can't believe they shot my dad... 421 00:19:05,269 --> 00:19:07,813 because he wanted to change things. 422 00:19:07,813 --> 00:19:11,441 These people have deeper pockets than you can possibly imagine. 423 00:19:11,441 --> 00:19:14,778 They can destroy everything you love, Stan. 424 00:19:14,778 --> 00:19:16,363 Take my advice... 425 00:19:16,363 --> 00:19:20,450 Don't. Squeeze. The Charmin. 426 00:19:20,450 --> 00:19:24,288 You might be too scared Jimmy, but I'm a Marsh. 427 00:19:28,792 --> 00:19:30,502 My fellow Americans... 428 00:19:30,502 --> 00:19:32,462 we have been coerced and brain washed. 429 00:19:32,462 --> 00:19:34,006 While the rest of the world walks around 430 00:19:34,006 --> 00:19:36,425 with cleaner buttholes, we are obsessed with dry paper 431 00:19:36,425 --> 00:19:39,344 sold to us by billion-dollar corporations. 432 00:19:39,344 --> 00:19:42,598 - Yeah. - Hey, yeah, he's right! 433 00:19:42,598 --> 00:19:44,933 My father wanted everyone to see that there were alternatives. 434 00:19:44,933 --> 00:19:46,977 But they don't want him talking about alternatives! 435 00:19:46,977 --> 00:19:48,604 Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yea! 436 00:19:48,604 --> 00:19:51,648 And we can't be blindly buying their products anymore. 437 00:19:51,648 --> 00:19:54,151 And as a town, we will find alternatives, 438 00:19:54,151 --> 00:19:55,444 and we will not be afraid to-- 439 00:19:55,444 --> 00:19:57,905 Stop! Stop! We're not doing this! 440 00:19:57,905 --> 00:20:00,282 Dad! Everyone just stop, we're not doing this. 441 00:20:00,282 --> 00:20:02,492 Thank you. South Park, uh, we-we're cutting this short. 442 00:20:02,492 --> 00:20:04,786 I was totally wrong and I want to apologize. 443 00:20:04,786 --> 00:20:06,496 No, dad, it's the toilet paper companies 444 00:20:06,496 --> 00:20:08,123 that are behind all the-- 445 00:20:08,123 --> 00:20:10,334 Yeah, so, uh, w-we have nothing against toilet paper. 446 00:20:10,334 --> 00:20:11,919 It's a great product and, uh, 447 00:20:11,919 --> 00:20:13,545 it was childish of me to make fun of it. 448 00:20:13,545 --> 00:20:15,172 Thanks, though. We'll see ya later. 449 00:20:15,172 --> 00:20:16,632 Dad, we can't just back down. 450 00:20:16,632 --> 00:20:19,009 Bro! I got fucking shot! 451 00:20:20,802 --> 00:20:22,596 Japanese toilets are totally unnecessary, 452 00:20:22,596 --> 00:20:24,306 and, uh, in case anyone else is listening, 453 00:20:24,306 --> 00:20:27,476 I think all of South Park would like to apologize. 454 00:20:27,476 --> 00:20:30,020 We retract what we said about toilet paper companies. 455 00:20:30,020 --> 00:20:33,482 They-- They have done nothing but help us, and we are sorry. 456 00:20:33,482 --> 00:20:36,818 South Park-- everyone-- say you're sorry. 457 00:20:36,818 --> 00:20:39,154 We're sorry. 458 00:20:39,154 --> 00:20:41,323 Okay, great. Come on, guys, let's go home. 459 00:20:41,323 --> 00:20:43,492 What about helping people and leading by example? 460 00:20:43,492 --> 00:20:45,661 We're not the Goddamn Kennedys, Stan. 461 00:20:45,661 --> 00:20:47,287 Stop being an idiot. 462 00:21:12,312 --> 00:21:16,024 Nice to have you back, Ol' Blue. 463 00:21:16,024 --> 00:21:18,777 You know, guys, I'm actually not that sad. 464 00:21:18,777 --> 00:21:21,363 Having a Japanese toilet was great, but... 465 00:21:21,363 --> 00:21:23,198 I've come to realize that, 466 00:21:23,198 --> 00:21:25,784 when you have some big, nice luxury thing, 467 00:21:25,784 --> 00:21:27,703 it eventually just becomes normal. 468 00:21:27,703 --> 00:21:29,746 But you start comparing it to all the other things 469 00:21:29,746 --> 00:21:33,083 in your life which suddenly feel you have to upgrade, too. 470 00:21:33,083 --> 00:21:35,544 So, it's really best to just 471 00:21:35,544 --> 00:21:38,880 stick with the beat-up, crappy old things we have. 472 00:21:38,880 --> 00:21:40,632 Love you forever, Honey.